View Full Version : The Insanity of Citadark Isle (pitiful reject from Laughingstock)

21st July 2006, 1:53 AM
...I suck at comedy. I actually want to be hit in the face with the reality of it, and bashing reviews are the best way to do it. Please, feel free to bash me with the hammers of destructive criticism, as I should leave the comedy-writing to experts like Saffire Persian.

Here's my pitiful reject from Laughingstock. I can already tell that nobody will like it.

The Insanity of Citadark Isle

(Here we are at Citadark Isle. It’s big, it’s bad, and it’s an island with a volcano. Joy to Cipher, yay.)

Audience: *in a sarcastic tone* Yay…

(A boy in a yellow vest…ish shirt with blue jeans and black shoes is on a boat with a front shaped like a big, blue fish. The boat has a truckload of yellow pipes sticking out the back, and the boy has spiky red hair with what look an awful lot like a pair of headphones.)

Michael: (the boy) *steps up to the island* Lesse…I’m supposed to snag a Shadow Sableye and a Shadow Golduck from some dumb sailor.

(the sailor is in view, sitting down on the rocks of Citadark Isle. He’s playing cards with a Golduck and a Sableye)

Random Sailor: Got any Gyarados?

Sableye: Sab leye! (Go fish!)

Golduck: Duck gol duck? (got any Psyducks?)

Sailor: Go fish!

(the Sableye and Golduck are suddenly caught by an Ultra Ball and a Net Ball)

Michael: Well, that was easy.

Sailor: ……insanity happening in three…..two……one……INSANITY BEGINS!!! WEEEEEE!!!

(A Cipher peon comes out of an elevator, followed closely by Lovrina, who, for some reason, is repeatedly puckering up, hands outstretched)

Peon: STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! *continues running*

Lovrina: *continues puckering up repeatedly, sees the sailor, goes after him now*

Sailor: Uh-oh…*is tackled and starts being kissed repeatedly by Lovrina with no end in sight*

Kids in the audience: Ewwwwww!!!

Michael: I’ll just, uh, slip away now….*starts side-stepping away*

(Lovrina, having heard Michael speak, stops kissing the sailor and sees Michael. She starts chasing after him now, leaving the sailor paralyzed with red kiss marks all over his face)

Kids in the audience: Ewwwww….again!!

Michael: YIPE!! *runs*

(Lovrina chases Michael into the building on Citadark Isle, still puckering up like a mad woman….which I think she is. In the crazy hallways, a Cipher Peon gets in Lovrina’s way and is tackled, now being kissed like crazy by Lovrina)

Kids in the audience: Ewwwww…for the third time!!

Michael: Phew….*continues running*

(Another Cipher Peon comes out of the corridors, this one running past Michael and running into a wall repeatedly screaming “Bob!” over and over every time he hits the wall. Michael finds an elevator and goes in it, but not before being confronted with an insane Cipher Peon tap dancing in his underwear with a balloon animal tied to his head and a pineapple in each hand. Once Michael gets up the elevator, however, he meets Snattle, who, currently, was doing the Sixflags Dance.)

Michael: Ooooookay…*slowly backs away towards the bridge*

(whilst Snattle gets done with the Sixflags Dance and starts doing the Hokey Pokey while spinning around in circles, Michael slowly backs into the bridge. On the way across, however, he sees Ardos and his brother, Eldes, dressed in full rapper outfits. They immediately start rapping a “song” while DJ Gorigan supplies the “music”.)

Michael: AAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!! THE RAP!!! IT IS EVIL!!! IT IS EATING ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT!!!! AAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!! *charges into Eldes and Ardos and knocks them over, stopping the evil rap “singing”*

(Once Michael reaches the room before Greevil’s, however, he is confronted by Lovrina again. This time, however, she is dressed in an outfit similar to that of a cowgirl. She even has a guitar, which she starts playing as soon as Michael enters the room.)


(When Michael gets to the room with the elevator that will take him to Greevil’s room, however, he encounters Snattle, who is currently moonwalking with a jar of mayonnaise on his huge hair. Michael pushes past him and enters the elevator, taking him to Greevil’s room)

Teenagers in the audience: Finally! ‘Bout time!

Michael: Greevil! Where are you?!

Greevil: *floats out on his hoverchair* Hello, young man. I, Greevil, am a seventy-five-year-old girl who is in preschool and lives with her mother. I am now going to pounce on you and kiss you. *leaps at Michael*

Kids in the audience: WHEN WILL THIS EVER STOP!?!?!?!

Michael: Uh, thanks for the warning….I think. *sends out Breloom* Go! Mach Punch!

Breloom: Bre! (Cool!) *punches Greevil, who flies into a wall*

Greevil: Ow, my spleen. Ow, my glasses. Ow, my skin. Ow, my lasagna. Ow, my fingernails. Ouch, scratch me. *faints*

Michael: I BEAT CIPHER!!! WOO-HOOOO!!! *starts doing backflips with Breloom, crashes into Breloom and the wall*

Audience: Now that was funny!

(A laugh track sounds…..stupid laugh track machine, haven’t been able to fix it all day…..stupid little….oh, the screen fades out before I can say anything else)


It's pitiful, I know, but I want people to review this.

I just want the reality of how horribly pathetic this is to smack me in the face, mostly in the nose.

21st July 2006, 1:56 AM
Might not be professinal but for your first humor fic it was okay.

I espically like the card game between Sableye, Golduck and Abson and of course Snattle doing the hokey pokey.

The Great Butler
21st July 2006, 2:09 AM

Snattle doing the Six Flags dance.

That is officially the funniest thing since Lucy had sex with Ardos.

21st July 2006, 8:18 AM
Kays, kays, kays. Where do I start? ....But really, I can't help too much since I'm not good at comedy, so I'll do the best I can.

First, you can exaggerate the funny parts.

On the way across, however, he sees Ardos and his brother, Eldes, dressed in full rapper outfits. They immediately start rapping a “song” while DJ Gorigan supplies the “music”.)
You can say what exactly they're rapping too. Like the lyrics.

And yah, I think you get the point.

...Overall, I think there's a bit of potential hidden here somewhere. You just have to reveal it. ^_^

Hope I helped.