View Full Version : Child of the Abyss

21st July 2006, 8:40 AM
hope you like this is one i just started at like 2 am and made the prologue tell me wat you think constructive criticism wanted but please don't be rude I will completely disregard what you say if you come over as mean or rude (hope i didn't sound rude right there). sorry this came out to about one page in word art.

Child of The Abyss


Ugh! The unnamed child screamed in his head bashing his head against the bubble which was his prison in this realm of NOTHING THERE IS NOTHING HERE he again shouted to himself. Why why why why why am I here there’s no point I’m trapped in this void of NOTHING BUT STARS. He despised this realm most people who existed out of it would do anything to be in his position a constant view of the cosmos being able to peak at the realms of the physical being and the spiritual. Oh why was I created here I have no purpose!

Just then a bubble appeared on the surface of the glimmering light which was the realm of physical being. Just the routine soul travel at least he could get a peak of the world down there for the next four or five seconds. Wait what’s that. He thought eyeing a temple which seemed oddly familiar and is that a kid? Just then this unnamed unwanted inexistent yet still existing hollow excuse for a creature was shocked the face he looked down on just now “that kid had the same face I do” he was familiar with his face he despised it he saw it constantly in the reflection of his bubble.

Maybe that kid is my key to getting out of here and finally escaping this prison after several thousand eons I might have a chance to escape! He was so excited he nearly came out of his crouched position with his knees bent and his arms across his legs and holding each other.

Will this unnamed creature get out of his despised predicament? Will he/she acquire a name? Stay reading and you might just find out.

Yami Ryu
21st July 2006, 10:20 AM
please dont be rude I will completely disregard what you say if you come over as mean or rude

I perdict that I will amazingly- be ignored! :O

With the spelling errors and grammar errors abounding- you prove why most people do not write at the crack of dawn. So no excuses. You could have saved this untill tomorrow and then OMG WENT OVER IT AND TWEAKED!

There is nothing in the rules or advice thread that says you have to post it the moment you 'finish it'.

Maybe that kid is my key to getting out of here and finally escaping this prison after several thousand eons he might have a chance to escape! He was so excited he nearly came out of his crouched position with his knees bent and his arms across his legs and holding each other.

Wow he's so crazy he's talking in third person about himself too! Or rather, thinking it, right? And once again you rush something that could have gone a bit longer- but given the fact you just about flat ignored my advice for you in your other story, I'm not surprised you didn't try to put effort into this.

Maybe if you spent more than what, 4 minutes writing this, you might have been able to turn three paragraphs into something good. Or atleast made sense with the last one like;

'Maybe that kid is my key to freedom!' The thought of escape almost made him become rabid at the sudden flurry of ideas, plans and what else he could do once he was out of this bubble. So excited was he that he almost sprang up from his crouched position in his bubble- but he caught himself, as doing that would result in his head being smashed against the bubble.

But the small chance of his possible chance of escape from his eternal imprisonment!

And as an evil look spread across his face, he started to plot.

:/ see? Instead of over describing that he was crouched, I went into detail of what you left out. And you, instead of going into detail about the creature- I mean you just made it emo, instead of exploring the chance of making an insane or evil, plotting character that was bound into a bubble to be an eternal watcher, and never be graced with the chance to interact with other creatures.

So I suggest you actually go read the Advice thread, and read FIVE STAR FICS that are done by good authors such as Cheshire Cat, Psychic, Serpant Seya, I think, Saffire Persian, Lady Myuu and etc. So you can maybe, grasp what I am telling you as it seems my own visual aids and words go in one of your ears then out another. THEN, go read some ONE and TWO star fics so you see what THEY are doing wrong- as most likely it's the same problem as yourself.

And after doing that, do more than a half assed effort :/

21st July 2006, 10:27 AM
Mind explaining what your margins were in Word Art? Because I know that three paragraphs do not equal one page in Microsoft Word. This comes out to 5.9 inches...

Grammar mistakes also abound in this. I'm sorry, but I have to point this one out.

9hope i didn't sound rude right there). sorry this came out to about one page in word art.

Mind telling me what "ninehope" is?

If you had typed this up in a word processing program with a spell check, all the following errors would have been caught.








Covered this one...





Now for the grammar. There wasn't any good grammar. Punctuation and proper paragraphing would make your story much easier to read. I'm going to show you what I mean by fixing the note you had at the beginning.

Hope you like this one. I just started it at, like, 2 am and made the prologue. Tell me what you think. Constructive criticism wanted, but please don't be rude. I will completely disregard what you say if you come over as mean or rude. (Hope I didn't sound rude right there). Sorry this came out to about one page in Word Art.

That's everything. You capitalize "I" when it is used as a pronoun. You use proper punctuation, as in full stops, commas, apostrophes, etc. You use proper capitalization, as in doing so for the first word of each sentence...

If you put into practice all the things that I showed you in that small example up there, more people would look at your story. What would also help, however, is if you had better description of the place the main character is in. I have no idea what the place looks like, what the character looks like, anything.

As for the bolded/underlined part... Why do you have to ask if the main character gets a name? I really hope that it doesn't go through the whole story as just "the unnamed child", because that would be bloodfully annoying.

As Yami Ryu would say, "Read the Advice and Rules thread." Sandra wrote them for a reason. And that reason is not "to be ignored". -_-

21st July 2006, 4:02 PM
when the unnamed one thinks about the "key to freedom thing" he means the kid he saw on the physical world.

and thanks about the 9hope thingy my proofread thing isn't functioning for me.

when i put non-existent it had a red underline with inexistent being correct so watever

thanks for the advice both of you i will try to put nore description in the first chapter im gonna do today.

EDIT: i tried to have chapter 1 done today buti was so busy with other stuff i also spent the last 2-3 hours or sometin readin other fics.

will have it up monday (hopefully) i expect more "wonderful" reviews from my not-so fans at all who dont really adore me.

22nd July 2006, 6:12 AM
<< One should not rely on a machine to catch all mistakes. As Yami Ryu said, there is no rule that says that you have to post your fic the instant you type the last word. You should go back and check over it...with your own two eyes as well as a machine. If you did indeed check over it yourself, you would have caught the "9hope", because it just looks funny.

I suggest that you get a human beta-reader to check over your fics. Sure, it will take longer for you to post your stories, but if the spelling and grammar problems were fixed...oh say... More people would read this and you would get better reviews.

As you read those other fics, notice at how there is a near lack of mistakes. There are a few that only those trained to see them - like me, for instance - would find. Here, with your fic, there are glaring errors.

will have it up monday (hopefully) i expect more "wonderful" reviews from my not-so fans at all who dont really adore me.

Please, no whining about the fact that you get reviews that don't just say "Good fic!" There is advice here in these reviews that you got. :/

22nd July 2006, 7:00 AM
ok i know that i should check it over more and i will i'll even have someone else read it over i'll try to find the errors and stuff. i'll do my best for chapter 1 and bye the way i didn't mean to sound as if i was whining. im tryng to improve i don't expect the hallow "great job" comments you think i do i know i'm not great but i'm trying to better myself and yes this is just what my 2nd start i have another i'm still workin on i know what your gonna say "just cuz your new doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse" and you'd be right but i just have a hard time being inspired by nasty commewnts like "half **sed" ok

22nd July 2006, 7:54 PM
I'm reading this fic like you told me to, and the only thing I see so far that's wrong is IT NEEDS TO BE MUCH LONGER--at least a page; also, after your introduction sentence saying you're about to post the story, put some symbol there so people can know. It's overall a very good short prolouge, so here's some stars for you.

22nd July 2006, 8:44 PM
thanks i know it's short

my computer is really acting haywire recently. i'm surprised i'm actually able to access the internet without my computer acting really idiotically. but i'm making chapter 1 alot longer and stuff so i hope it'll be better.

when i finally get around to finish it i'll take about 2 hours checking to see if anything is wrong

to yami ryu: i noticed your spruced up version of his/her excitement but the reason i put it like that is because the kid has been in one position in one place and trapped in despair and deppression (guess i should've made that more evident) so even though he got excited it only lasted for a few seconds

i'll try to add a lot more description and less dialogue but my style of writing is way to heaped in dialogue. i'm trying to improve on that but when i write/type it just flows and in the end i don't really think about it at all

EDIT: also i have my own style of writing (is that so forein to you yami ryu) not all people toss description in there for description's sake yes i want to improve but i still want my style of writing to feel right to me

Yami Ryu
22nd July 2006, 9:04 PM
;/ yes I know about writing styles. My own has changed 5 times over the course of two/three years. Maybe more. But writing style is no excuse for skimping out like you have before, and it seems like you shall again.

to yami ryu: i noticed your spruced up version of his/her excitement but the reason i put it like that is because the kid has been in one position in one place and trapped in despair and deppression (guess i should've made that more evident) so even though he got excited it only lasted for a few seconds

And we the readers would know this how? When you have yet to learn the art of elaboration?

Anyways as I told you, writing style is not to be used as an excuse to skimp about and try to get around helping your readers get into the story :/ You don't have to use my style of writing- and I'd perfer it if you didn't. I was just pointing out how, unlike you, I stretched out something and made it a bit more interesting than a bland over description of a crouching, that doesn't tell that he only was elated for a few measily seconds, and yadayada.

25th July 2006, 4:32 AM
i am currently thinking yami ryu is trying to start a flame war (no good reason just a suspicion).


Child of The Abyss

Chapter 1 A Strange Youth

“Gem hurry up,” Sally didn’t like waiting for her apprentice, “HOW MANY OUTFITS ARE YOU GONNA TRY ON,” she shouted sounding seriously agitated!

“Oh cool off already it isn’t like you never made me wait for something,” Gem replied walking out of the dressing room.

“Your right Gem I made you wait sometimes,” now sounding a teeny bit calmer, “but the difference is I NEVER MADE YOU WAIT FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF”!

“Whatever Sally,” Gem said calmly, “what I want to know is why you never change your outfit it’s always white cap, black undershirt with a white vest and a frikkin’ pair of WHITE SWEATS I mean really where do you even get all the white,” she said temporarily losing her calm.

“Gem I got some news for you,” Sally said as they left the Poke-Made clothes store and entered the lush green of shrubs and trees and various other plants that was Venut Town.

“What news,” Gem asked buying a Hot Dog from the street shop and stuffing her face with it.

“If your gonna be my apprentice your gonna have to stick to one style of clothes and that’s it I had some plans for today but due to your time wasting buying new clothes I don’t have time to do it all,” Sally replied with a matter-of-fact tone.

“NO WAY YOU KNOW NEXT TO POKEMON MY NUMBER ONE PASSION IS MY CLOTHES” Gem shouted raising her voice drawing high attention to there current position.

“Hey is that Sally,” a bunch of people said while the rest of the crowd replied “yeah it is Sally”. Suddenly without warning a crowd started chanting and screaming and trying to make there way to the front.

Sally sighed ever since she defeated the champion of the Kanto region 4 years ago this happened every time someone notices her.

Flash Back

“I’ll beat you,” Sally shouted throwing a Pokeball releasing her Alakazam,”are you ready for a beat down”!

Gary the Champion of the Kanto region just laughed, “Haha you defeat me hilarious you’re just a girl,” he went on cockily, “oh well since you bothered to come here and challenge me anyway go Umbreon”!

Ugh not good Sally thought. “You might have an advantage Gary but you won’t win Alakazam Brick Break,” Sally exclaimed trying to over power her foe by using it’s weakness against it, if this hit’s it there’s still a chance it won’t faint due to Umbreon’s superior defenses and Alakazam’s lack of physical strength Sally figured. Alakazam Charged forward his fist glowing with power that can shatter most defensive techniques.

“Your clever Sally but not clever enough,” Gary said calmly and sure of himself, “Umbreon jump up and use faint attack”.

As Alakazam barged forward at Umbreon it jumped around 3-5 feet in the air then glowed with a black aura and, darted down at Alakazam.

Just as Umbreon was about to hit Alakazam, “Alakazam use his faint attack against him use brick break,” Sally hoped this desperate move would work,

As the two pokemon collided a wave of resounding energy broke through the sound barrier. So much debris flew throughout the stadium the judge was about to end the match and call it a draw. Along with the debris came a huge cloud of dust and dirt when it cleared and you could see the field both pokemon were knocked out and Gary and Sally both had several cuts and bruises from the debris.
End Flashback

“Make way people news reporter comin’ through here,” a news caster and his camera guy walked through the crowd to Sally and Gem, “Sally may I please have a few words from you” the news reporter asked, “hey where’d they go”?

On the outskirts of town Gem was staring in awe, “whoa what is that temple doing there,” she said still recovering from the sudden teleporting, “oh that always gives me a headache”.

“Yeah you get used to it after a while,” Sally said returning her Alakazam, “Wait where did that come from I don’t remember it being there when we walked in the city,” Sally said confused and running her hand through her long flowing reddish brown hair.

Gem was walking into the strange place with Charizard statues lining the base. As she entered the temple a big flash of light enveloped her body and when it dissipated, “oh my god,” she said eyeing her new outfit.

As Sally caught up she noticed her apprentice’s new clothes, “how in the world did you get those,” Sally said. They looked awesome! She thought. “I mean really cardinal red Jeans and a violet-red vest over a striped black and yellow undershirt how’d you find these,” she said in awe!

“I have no clue but let’s hurry up and get in this place I wanna go exploring already” Gem said.

“Yeah me too,” Sally said walking into the orangey-goldish temple, “huh what’s that,” Sally said turning around.

“What’s what Sally,” Gem said immediately.

“I thought I heard something but I guess it was just my mind playing tricks on me,” Sally dismissed the thought as a simple mind trick even so she was cautious.

As they walked through the temple they noticed that they had statues of pokemon not even Sally has seen before with two pokemon that usually recurred. One looked like a giant dog with silver spike-like things with a jewel in the middle where the fluff of fur would be it also had dark blue fur with light blue streaks at places and a big tail with spikes above it. The other statues were broken and hard to make out what little details you could see. Even so it was easy to tell it was not a pokemon either trainer had seen before.

“What are you two people doing here,” a young child’s voice echoed through the hall, “you shouldn’t be here it isn’t safe if the temple moves you will be trapped here,” the voice changing from depressed to urgent.

“Where are you,” Sally and gem called out when they heard the sound of shifting stone, “Ummmmm what was that”!

“it’s too late your both trapped with me for another 50 years,” the voice rang out, “Anyway come into my room the door should open soon anyway I have no control over it. It just usually opens after the door closes”.

Just then the rock shifted and the vibrations were at such a magnitude that it caused Sally and Gem to fall on there backs knocking the wind out of there bodies. Then a new opening appeared.

“Oh man ow that hurt very very badly” Gem remarked rubbing her back with her hand. What in the name of fashion happened?

“A door”! Sally shouted. As she noticed a new hole in the wall as the two trainers walked through it they each thought what kind of place are we in.

A young kid in a light blue robe walked up to them from out of the darkness. And suddenly Gem and Sally could here the kid’s voice in their minds. I warned you to leave but now your stuck here.

“Oh there you go with the ‘we’ll never escape’ again Ruga,” a teenage boy said walking up to them. The boy had elegant white hair and wore a blue long-sleeve shirt with red stripes and blue pants the kid was barefoot he also had yellow gloves on, “Names Brendan what’s yours,” the boy now identified as Brendan asked.

“I’m Gem and this is my mentor Sally,” Gem replied then asking, “How did you get trapped in here”?

“I was on a trip around the world trying to get every badge then take on each elite four respectively,” Brendan recollected, “I was in Egypt,” just then the child interrupted him.

“It was Africa you were in Africa,” Ruga corrected.

“Right Africa whatever,” Brendan retorted, “anyway I stumbled upon this pyramid and…,” FLASHBACK.

“Oh my god what’s a pyramid doing in Africa,” Brendan thought aloud.

“What pyramid,” some guy who was in the same tour Brendan was asked.

“THE ONE RIGHT THERE!” Brendan shouted.

“I’m sorry but there s no pyramid over there,” the tour group said as well as other remarks and stuff.

Brendan then stomped off in the direction of the pyramid the rest of the group saw him disappear into the jungle however, “Stupid guy ‘what pyramid’,” Brendan muttered using an insulting tone. A few minutes after walking in the pyramid the basic shape changes and the doorway disappears.

“And that’s what happened,” Brendan finished, “but on another note I have good news,” the youth said cheerful and spirited.

“What news could be good trapped in this place,” Ruga said depressingly.

“I think I found a way out but we have to move fast because if I’m right we only have about 1 and a half minutes before the pyramid changes again,” Brendan warned.

“WHAT,” Ruga screamed at the top of his lungs, “LET’S HURRY”!!!

The four kids three teenage and one child ran as fast as they could, and surprisingly despite his being the youngest Ruga was the fastest although he let Brendan lead because he knew the way. They continued running for a minute and indeed there was an exit they all raced toward the opening with (if Brendan was right) four seconds before the pyramid/temple started shifting. They all got out to realize it now took the shape of a roman apothecary and disappeared.



In the abyss between voids the child in the abyss could feel a strange happiness as if he just left something that seriously depressed him. Also without there being a new soul passing through he could see the physical world the kid he/she saw before two years ago was there and he was bouncing all over with joy the same joy he/she felt. Just then a message appeared in his head Ukia. It was then that he/she decided he would have a name. My name is Ukia and I shall escape from this void. Now filled with excitement he stood upright in his bubble shouted to the heavens and physical worlds, “All of you out there who had a hand in my imprisonment hear me! I will escape and my name is Ukia,” the sound echoed through the Abyss but only four people heard what he said and they were the four kids he/she saw now two female one male and his/her other half.

“Huh what was that,” all four of them said in unison. They all heard the same message in Ruga’s voice but it felt different somehow. I will escape and my name is Ukia!

This is the end of chapter one the kid in the bubble has chosen a name! However will it be able to escape the heart lorn world that is the abyss it is trapped in continue on to find out!

Yami Ryu
25th July 2006, 5:13 AM
i am currently thinking yami ryu is trying to start a flame war (no good reason just a suspicion).


;/ oh yes even though Hanako is reviewing you in basically the same way too. I am trying to start a flame war with you. What I am doing is not flaming you, little nooblet. And also, your grammar is atrocious.

What is it with you not using periods in speech quotations? Commars are only, when used at the end of a speech quote like "So and so so," person does something here, "so so so?"

Also it's not "omg"! it's "omg!" <- exclimation marks !, question marks ?, Periods ., and Commas ,, go in a speech quotation if the word they go beind IS IN THE SPEECH QUOTATION.

Also the story was way too rushed. How did they get into the pyramid, from what you had it looked like only Brendan got in there. There was a plethora of missing commas and other such things from the story, aside from description, emotion, and the fact that this could have been stretched out to something much longer, or atleast split into a chapter one or two.

;/ I really don't think you're trying to get better.

25th July 2006, 5:25 AM
i am but just moving at my own pace not trying to be like "OMG I SUDDENLY GOT TONS BETTER LOOKZ AT MEEZ" like your INSISTING i do so you know what i don't feel as attacked by hanako.

also one time i got a post at how the periods and stuff are ont teh wrong side i only feel as if your trying to get a flame war hapenning but i feel as if hanako is trying to help (get the picture although there SIMILAR there not THE SAME) and hence i don't feel the same so if your not going to stop insulting and putting down me then stop posting on my stories like this geez.

Yami Ryu
25th July 2006, 5:36 AM
If I was trying to get a flame war happening I wouldn't be offering even an iota of help. So how about you stop ignoring my posts, stop trying to fall back onto the lame claim you think I'm trying to start a flame war, actually READ my post and Hanako's as you are not really trying to get better- as if you were, you'd have known from what, I've told you before like twice? And from other people I've reviewed so there's no excuse.

And what, someone told you that it was correct grammar to use "blah"! and such? Have you ever seen a professional story, novel, etc, with things such as that?

Have you ever seen a story with someone trying to have ten things happen at once, with nothing between events, and nothing to do anything to make you get into the story or characters?

So why don't you just stop trying to make excuses and fine, you don't like how I review? Take Hanako's advice then. And read Advice for Aspiring Authors. Not expecting you to get better instantly- just expect you to have a concept of how to write :/

25th July 2006, 5:50 AM
Yeup, because Yami Ryu is helping you get better, she is started a flame war. I, however, am not, because all my advice is getting ignored. So is hers. So, if you say that she is started a flame war with you, then I am too. :x

Longer does not necessarilly mean better. This chapter only showcased you atrocious grammar. Run-on sentences abound here.

One looked like a giant dog with silver spike-like things with a jewel in the middle where the fluff of fur would be it also had dark blue fur with light blue streaks at places and a big tail with spikes above it.

Read that sentence aloud, and tell me that you don't feel dizzy from lack of air. If a comma was in there, or if it was actually split into a couple of sentences, I wouldn't complain. Right now, with all that information in there, it gets confusing as to what this thing is supposed to look like.

I think that person who told you about the punctuation points being outside of the quotation marks is from England. That's how they do things over there. I'm really not sure, as my grammar book is missing. However, normally, it's a brillant idea to place the punctuation inside the quotation marks.

You know, you should really get a beta-reader. At least one that doesn't get a bloody headache trying to figure out your poundings on the keyboard. Besides, they can point out the utter lack of description.

And at least Yami Ryu knows to capitalize my name. You know, the proper rules of grammar.

All this is is just a smattering of words pasted onto the screen. And seeing as how all you do is just complain about Yami Ryu's reviewing style, and also complain about how we just "put down everyone's stories," then I really don't see what's the point.

also one time i got a post at how the periods and stuff are ont teh wrong side i only feel as if your trying to get a flame war hapenning

Mind explaining how she is trying to start a flame war? She was just pointing it out. O NOEZ. :O How dare she point it out for that is flaming.

EDIT: Found my grammar book. And guess what? Punctuation marks go inside the quotes when it is dialogue! Which means that - That's right! - Yami Ryu is right. So please, don't start a flame war when you get proved wrong. ;p

25th July 2006, 6:28 AM
ok i just watever i know she is trying to point out stuff that could help buut the fact that she's insulting me really makes me want to say dtuf that would be considered flaming. but watever it's also cuz she doesn't tend to post in people who have been around a while and used to the sorta stuff. i noticed that. and NOW i feel insulted by you Hanako. if you feel i'm that freakishly s*cky at writing i'll go sk a mod to close my stories an i won't start a new one ever how does that sound you'll probably throw a party for all i know. or care for that matter b*tches. ya half A*sed attempts at advice (that doesn't make a person want to jump off a cliff and feel like it's the sweetest thing to ever happen to them) givers.

Yami Ryu
25th July 2006, 6:32 AM
Quiting is the easy way out :/ you think anyone got anywhere by quiting? And the reason I 'don't post in people that have been here awhile' is ether because I am a closet reader to their story, don't like their story, or something like that.

You want to be something and make me go 'wow you have come a long way from when I last reviewed your work', get cracking :/ I sucked as much as you did, and it wasn't untill someone came along, bounced my head off a wall and set me straight did I ever get any better.

SO I CAME FROM THE SAME PUDDLE AS YOU- but I didn't stay there :/ that is why I am harsh. It got me out of my puddle, it should get you out of yours.

No one is remembered for being a quitter, remember that ;/

25th July 2006, 6:36 AM
well that surprisngly made me feel a little bit better. weird i don't even know what made me go and say that. i guess it's cuz one i'm paranoid (doctors have said it) two i'm seriously stressed out. and three cuz i only had an omelete to eat today. oh well i'm trying to improve i'm trying to improve on my lack of description and i'm trying to go about things in stages and i know the harsh method worked for you but not everyone is the same.

EDIT: and i just realize a fourth. MY COMPUTERS SUCH A PEICE OF S**T THAT I GET 5-8 POP-UPS EVERY 5 MINUTES EVEN WHEN I HAVE NO INTERNET UP. it gets annoying when your tryong to type and Yami Ryu i haven't seen any of your fics could you provide a link maybe?

25th July 2006, 6:59 AM
Check her sig. <<

You know, I posted a story. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Someone took my fic, tore it all apart. It was harsh, it hurt, but I took the advice. I'm constantly learning from others that I have seen.

I posted in a few five-star fics. Saffire Persian is one of those authors whose fics constantly get rated five-stars. Doesn't mean that I can't still find errors.

Sure, quit. I'll still go on with my life. I won't yell in celebration and dance on my bed because you find it easier to quit rather than to struggle through, listen to advice, and improve.

If you are trying to improve, then don't tell your readers to "dtfu", whatever that is. Don't come up with excuses such as not eating. << It's not really connected. And this is also why you should save your story, so you can work at it when you feel like working on it, not pounding it out and posting it as fast as you can.

So yeah, check out Yami Ryu's sig for her fics. Don't ask me for mine. I have zero time for writing due to work. Plus, I work slow at mine, making them the best that I can.

25th July 2006, 7:10 AM
yeah a main problem is i feel cut-off like mankind has tossed me aside. like there is next to no reason to try to contribute which is why like 5 years of learning to control my anger and my emotions is slipping away. everyday it feels like if i don't change this sheet of stress that is next to impossible to shake off no matter how happy i seem. to top it all off its getting hard to actualy feel any emotion other than rage so i am trying to improve but it's slow cuz life is bummer and a bomb right now. hopefully if i ever stop feeling this way (which will be hard because i've felt tossed aside like a toy the humankind was done with). and no matter what i do no mater how many attempts at everything i try nothing works which is why i'm trying to isolate myself with three things. 1 video games. 2 readng. 3 writing. and all these are bumming out cuz i've beaten all my games 11 times and there is absolutely no way of me getting new ones. all my books read at least a hundred times each. and my writing is so crappy whenever i get someone to read it they practically insult me with there fake praise or the way you do i'd prefer not to have the your great it just hurts more when you know that they don't want to hurt your feelings but are lying anyway.

i checked her sig read it replied. nuff said.

25th July 2006, 8:09 AM
Your recent chapter was MUCH better than the prologue.
1. After diolouge, put a period. (EX: "I'm going here.")
2. Put more plot between events.
3. Use commas at the right time.

Please, I'm begging you--don-t give up. Quitting's the easy way out and I used to be in a worse situation than you're in right now- including getting flamewars in my fics a long time ago. My fics used to actually be in chatspeak, but if a retard like me can change, a person like you can. You're one of the few people I'm actually putting some thought to, so keep that in mind. Writing doesn't become five star in one day- think about it. When writers like Saffire Persian, The Great Butler and such get good, they start out in the same state- but evolve. It's like you have a good cheeseburger, but add some more dressing to it, alright?

25th July 2006, 8:42 AM
wow just wow. one reason i'm getting fristrated is the fact of as mentioned before (ealier post here) i feel tossed aside so much confusion in my life maybe once it sorts out i'll start writing better at a much more exponential rate. (see i have the vocabulary to do it).

on a side note where can you post non-pokemon stuff that doesn't have to be fanfics cuz as far as i know you can only post fan ficcies here so if i can i have one i've been trying to test out. but haven't found out where to post. that isnn't a fan fic. it's something i came up with a while back but strangely it has a bit more decription.

EDIT: HUZZAH I"M AN ELECTRIC GYM BADGE TRAINER WOO (time for my own word [warning warning seriously dumb an idiotic made up word coming through]) HUZDOO lol i was really hyper one day and typed at complete random and came up wit dis and decided to make it mean Da new RAp (weird i was really hyper i punched a whole in the wall without it being in a fist.)

25th July 2006, 8:45 AM
The miscellaneous board.

25th July 2006, 8:49 AM
yay i can now post it woo (screams so loud the universo blows up) huzdoo (uni-burst again [ omfg you could make an attack called uni-burst your pokemon faints but also causes all other pokemon to faint to you could make clayman or something have it] lol uni-burst fnnny)

look its kirby (>**)> (^**^) <(**<) the three faces of online kirby (sunglass mode)

btw i have a problem i can't find the miscellanius board ahhh self destruct activates (i wish that never happens again)

Zephyr Flare
25th July 2006, 10:47 AM
Ahem, pm or the thread dies.


27th July 2006, 5:21 AM
ok thanks for the warning i'm working on chapter two trying to put more desription in it