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Eclipse
21st July 2006, 2:00 PM
This is what everyone ends up doing to me. The majority of you will probably hate it, but I quite frankly could not care less. This is for those who were hurt by people they thought were friends. It is slightly violent.

---

God help me.

I can’t believe what I’ve done. My best friend. I’ve killed her.

And she’s not coming back.

Her blood drips down my claws. I’m shaking, trembling, and I feel hazy, if in a dream. I open my mouth to scream, but a gurgling sound comes out. Then I realise, I’m not making the noise.

She is alive!

Her rectangular eyes open. Just like any other Scyther, they appear just black, but if you look closely, they are really, really dark green.

“Sickle?”

Her voice is hoarse and when she talks, black scyther blood leaks out her mouth.

“Yes, I’m here,”

“What did you do to me?”

I look away, ashamed. “I hurt you. I – I’m sorry”

She nodded. “It’s okay. We’re like that. But why?”

I shook uncontrollably. “I’m sorry. I got really angry when… you know.”

A confused look crossed her tired face “No, I don’t. Tell me”

I looked straight at her. “Well, you invited Blade to evolve with you. That hurt me so much. I cried for about four hours,”

“Well, you’ve already evolved!”

I became angry again. “It’s beyond the point! You know I like Blade!”

She looked away. “I guess you really don’t get it…”

I narrowed my eyes. “Get what?”

“Look, Sickle, I’m tired of you! You’re so cynical, it makes me depressed!”

Tears welled in my eyes. “I thought… I thought we were friends.”

She glared at me with an irritated look in her green eyes. “That was true… a while ago.”

I gaped, blown away “You can’t do that!”

She frowned. “I can.”

And then she became lifeless.

I scooped her up in my arms – which is hard when you don’t have hands, let me tell you – and headed away from the Swarm.

---

Our life. All we ever knew was behind us forever.

I put her gently on the mossy ground. She was a horrible person, I knew, but even thought I wasn’t hers, she was my friend and deep down I still cared about her.

I couldn’t leave her to die.

I found a berry tree and smeared some juice on her throat. It healed so it was mostly closed over, but still there was a small scratch. It was the best I could do.

I snickered.

She had obviously come to. “What did you laugh at?”

I snicked again. “Well, it’s just that as a Scizor, an abnormal creature, I almost killed you, yet an inanimate like the berry object can undo my damage within a bladeswipe and with a lot less effort and planning. It just shows you how much more powerful plants are,”

She glared at me. “This is why I don’t like you. You are way too… weird. God, who cares if plants are more powerful?”

I met her gaze steadily. “I do.”

“See? You’re so weird! All that normal female Scythers and Scizors should care about right now is their boyfriend,”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. And besides, what use are they? I don’t ever plan of having children.”

“You loser, Sickle. I can’t believe I ever pretended to be your friend,”

I glared at her. I hated her now. “I can’t believe I belived it.”

I tore her throat out and left her to bleed to death.

Quite frankly, the forest doesn’t need people like that.

---

Well, i hope those who were hurt by their poser friends enjoyed it. By the way, i was exteremly mad when i wrote it.

Canis Lupus
21st July 2006, 4:17 PM
I enjoyed it. I didn't hate it. It is what life is about. Lying, cheating, other horrible things. It is the truth. I just hate when people pretend to be your friend, but they are just playing off you. I had a friend like that... I feel Sickle's emotions. Sadness, joy, anger... Great short story!

UltaFlame
21st July 2006, 4:35 PM
i liked it even though i don't think (partially cuz i have a hard time remembering 2-3 years in the past) i've felt sickles emotions in reality. but i definitely know how she feels. also i think MAYBE the other scyther did consider sickle a friend before but then found out how weird he is.

Endoplasmic Reticulum
21st July 2006, 4:43 PM
I know how you feel you know. Is this a one-shot story?

Eclipse
22nd July 2006, 6:59 AM
well,i'm glad you guys liked it.

I'm thinking about writing a prequel about how happy Sickle was with her friend. How she made her feel like she understood her. The other sycther liked sickle, but everyone else thought she was weird, and the other scyther was more concerned about how pouplar she was, so she just gave up. Also, Sickle was cynical and depressed and that probably got on the friend's nerves a bit.

Story of my life.

Yami Ryu
22nd July 2006, 7:04 AM
Sorry but I don't see what's so great about this. All it is is a badly, and let me stress, badly done emo/angst fic. Since your characters are so pale and shallow, it's no wonder this is one of those sterotypical fics that got 'Emo' and 'Angst' the bad rep they now carry.

I suggest you don't write that prequel untill you read Advice For Aspiring Authors, and some dark drama fics so you get an idea of real angst and emo and etc. And not end up with another pile of trash :/

Astinus
22nd July 2006, 10:48 AM
If you place in more description so that we actually care about these characters, then maybe I wouldn't have read this while yawning. It's rahter flat and bland.

You can fix this problem by writing in more of a character's thoughts. Like how Sickle felt when she killed her friend.

Though, really... Yeah, I had friends turn their backs on me. But, I never would go so far as to kill them. Okay, so maybe it's because they are Pokémon and might act like animals. But animals don't kill unless there is a really good reason. If Blade was acting more animal-like, then he would have gone with Sickle because she was stronger, and better equipped to survive.


Also, Sickle was cynical and depressed and that probably got on the friend's nerves a bit.

Wonderful friends, there. You know, basically saying that they don't value life and like watching people kill themselves. A co-worker of mine feels depressed, but I don't tell him to leap off the nearest bridge.

This fic would work better if there wasn't so much...white space. What I mean is that there are too many new, and short, paragraphs. This doesn't allow one to get into the character's heads, which causes readers to not care about your characters. That's what the problem is. Lack of emotions is not good, especially when trying to convey a specific emotion. Angst needs good description, or else it comes off as whining.

Also, it would be nice to have some sort of idea on how a berry can bring someone back to life.

UltaFlame
22nd July 2006, 9:04 PM
oh come on all you two do is put down after put down unless you feel it's perfect.

i am in the middle of a really stressing time i my life and non-descriptive and short fics like these actually mean something to me cuz it doesn't take much brains to read and it helps me take my mind of my crazy insane life.

Flashfire
23rd July 2006, 3:21 AM
oh come on all you two do is put down after put down unless you feel it's perfect.

Finally! Someone besides me speaks up about that...

*SIGH*

Anyway, this does require more description. I think knowing more about the characters and their relationship and backgrounds would help stir up some feelings toward them, and the mood of the fic. Why do you not describe more of the plot and what is going on? Am I the only one who feels this way, huh?

Eclipse
23rd July 2006, 10:49 AM
Well, here's the next story. Hopefully this will clear up the non - descriptive parts and the backgrounds of the characters.

It takes place before Sickle evolved, and before she knows what a horrible person Katana (Her friend) is.


---

Thank god.

It’s time to hunt. Time for me to make good use of my scythes, which I have spent days sharpening on trees.

I have been itching for blood.

Swipe is dipping the stick into blood and painting it on our scythes, face and wings.

He is uniting us as warriors of the Swarm.

He gives us a pep talk, and then sends us on our way. My best friend Katana and I head towards the Pinsir territory.

Katana is the first to speak. “Sickle, was Dagger teasing you today?”

I stare at the ground. “I guess so,”

There is silence, and then Katana gives a little sigh. “Can’t she rack off?

I look into her dark eyes. “You know she’s only doing it because she has the smallest scythes of the Swarm, and mine are the largest of a female our age. She does it out of pure jealousy,”

She gives a little nod. “Stupid blunt-scythe,” She growls.

I give her a sceptical look. “Oh, really? But I thought you liked her?”

Her eye ridges form a confused frown, as if she doesn’t remember saying anything like it.

“Katana, you told me and Sabre the other day, remember? You said she had a good sense of humour”

She shakes her head. “Never did,”

“Fine,” I say confidently. “I’ll ask Sabre after,”

Sabre is another friend of ours, a male. He is quite large, whereas Katana is small and slight and i am tall and gangly with long scythes.

Suddenly, Katana jumps to attention, her scythes at the ready, and mutters to me, “Don’t move!”

A rustling sound comes from the bushes beside us. I swivel my eye around as far as it would go to try and see it, but it is sightly out of my vision.

Katana catches my eye. “Stantler,” she mutters.

My mouth waters. A Stantler was a good prize indeed. I can almost taste the soft, tasty meat.

She nods at me. “You,” I nod back and thrust myself at the Stantler.

As I behead it and lap up some blood, I thank god to have given me such a good friend like Katana.

Then I take it in my mouth and drag it back to the Nest.

---

As I expected, I was much rewarded.

There was a huge feast in my honour. We all did the Swords Dance to the radio we found left in the forest by a terrified trainer.

All except Katana.

She was in the corner with Dagger.

She was staring at me, I could see that out the corner of my eyes, but when I looked at her, she looked away.

“She told me she didn’t like Dagger,” I muttered to Sabre

He shrugged. “You know what she’s like,”

“Mmm,” I muttered.

I did know Katana could lie a bit, but she was my best friend.

She made everything okay.

UltaFlame
23rd July 2006, 7:25 PM
ooh at ths point i think its giving the effect that sickle is starting to feel as if her friend isn't as friendly towards her as she thought (sorry if i make no sense) i think theres more description but you know thats my weak point to so watever do it how you like and as long as there is no threat to your fic being shut down you have no real reason (other than if you want to) to really better yourself at too fast a rate.


(i wonder how the two are gonna reply to this one)

Yami Ryu
24th July 2006, 8:14 AM
As I behead it and lap up some blood, I thank god to have given me such a good friend like Katana.

You know I think a bunch of bugs- or rather pokemon, wouldn't believe in a single 'god' or that their god would be something different :/ all this is, I assume is your pathetic feelings over something shoved into a poorly made fic- and everyone stfu about Hanako's reviewing and mine >> if you want to stay in a festering pool of poorly written crap, fine, stay there. Don't drag other writers in there with you.

Eclipse incase you can not read, I am quoting Hanako's review for you :/


If you place in more description so that we actually care about these characters, then maybe I wouldn't have read this while yawning. It's rahter flat and bland.

You can fix this problem by writing in more of a character's thoughts. Like how Sickle felt when she killed her friend.

Though, really... Yeah, I had friends turn their backs on me. But, I never would go so far as to kill them. Okay, so maybe it's because they are Pokémon and might act like animals. But animals don't kill unless there is a really good reason. If Blade was acting more animal-like, then he would have gone with Sickle because she was stronger, and better equipped to survive.



Also, Sickle was cynical and depressed and that probably got on the friend's nerves a bit.


Wonderful friends, there. You know, basically saying that they don't value life and like watching people kill themselves. A co-worker of mine feels depressed, but I don't tell him to leap off the nearest bridge.

This fic would work better if there wasn't so much...white space. What I mean is that there are too many new, and short, paragraphs. This doesn't allow one to get into the character's heads, which causes readers to not care about your characters. That's what the problem is. Lack of emotions is not good, especially when trying to convey a specific emotion. Angst needs good description, or else it comes off as whining.

Also, it would be nice to have some sort of idea on how a berry can bring someone back to life.

There's also the fact your story is too short, is rushed, is probably written up in the reply box, you probably only spent 3 minutes writing this, and I doubt you have idled over to the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread, or the rules.

So if you want to prove you aren't out for mindless praise, read Han's review, and go to the two sticked threads :/

Astinus
24th July 2006, 10:14 AM
(i wonder how the two are gonna reply to this one)

By saying what we have been saying. I saw no more description.

In the scene where Sickle kills the Stantler, you have:


As I behead it and lap up some blood, I thank god to have given me such a good friend like Katana.


Something like this would be at least two paragraphs with more description. If you threw in more sentences describing what Sickle is seeing, smelling, feeling as she beheads the Stantler and gets the chance to use her claws once more. Don't skimp out on it to have the main character thank "god" about friends. And on that point, it should be "the gods" because if you are talking about one "God", it is proper to capitalize it.

Along with the pronoun "I". When used as a pronoun, the letter "I" is always capitalized.

And maybe I'm just weird, but here:


We all did the Swords Dance to the radio we found left in the forest by a terrified trainer.

I would like some more explaination in where a herd of Pokémon can get the electricity/batteries to run a radio in the middle of the forest.

So sorry that I don't give mindless praise and actually give advice that, if followed, would bring in the five-star ratings. ;( So just read the rest of Yami Ryu's review, because right now, we are just repeating one another.

UltaFlame
25th July 2006, 9:07 AM
yeah noticed that you two always seemed to appear in the same place.

on a different note. i didn't give mindless praise in fact i actualy enjoyed reading this because it got me riled up to go ang get my lazy a*s off this chair and go outside and lash a darn stick around like a darnd sword so i actually got excercise that day (well more than usual)

EDIT: don't believe everything in your writing.

Eclipse
27th July 2006, 11:10 AM
all this is, I assume is your pathetic feelings over something shoved into a poorly made fic- :/

Umm yes i stated that and what right do you have to call my feelings pathetic? Sure, maybe you have felt similar feelings in the past (Maybe not) but you have no idea how I feel. Besides, the fic wans't supposed to be "Good" It was supposed to go out to all of those who are going through tough time right now.

Also, all of those people who ARE going through though times, i hope you feel better soon!
Love and peace!

Eclipse

Yami Ryu
27th July 2006, 3:10 PM
Umm yes i stated that and what right do you have to call my feelings pathetic? Sure, maybe you have felt similar feelings in the past (Maybe not) but you have no idea how I feel. Besides, the fic wans't supposed to be "Good" It was supposed to go out to all of those who are going through tough time right now.

Also, all of those people who ARE going through though times, i hope you feel better soon!
Love and peace!

Eclipse

Yes and I assume you have no idea how I feel about losing my best irl friend to an abusive mother, and had to listen to his cries one time when she abused him and the only thing I could do, because I was a stupid little child, was have the sense to drag a younger girl away and outside so she wouldn't see what the mother was doing to her own son :/

So how about you stfu and realise people in life might have been through things worse than you, or maybe not, so never, ever say 'you don't know how I feel'.


Besides, the fic wans't supposed to be "Good" It was supposed to go out to all of those who are going through tough time right now.

If it's intentionally not good, then I hope a mod closes this, because this goes out to no one, and is only a horrible mockery of a story by a real author, or something done by someone to try and offer help and comfort to people.

And yes I can call your emotions pathetic if your so shallow as to assume only you know what. Try being bullied by people because you are a girl and taller than them. Try being bullied by people because you're fat, but also smart. Try being outcasted by people just because your different. And having friends stab you in the back- oh by golly gee gosh YES I HAD THAT HAPPEN TO ME.

>> so why not stfu now, and make your writing skills less of an eyesore.