PDA

View Full Version : 2:30 news with Mi Lotic.



dylan,watermaster
21st July 2006, 9:25 PM
Mi Lotic: Good evning. This is Mi Lotic From Goldenrod City with todays news. Earlier today a bus was over run by an angry mob of spinarak. One said Quote;"We have feelings too!! SO FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD DONT RUN US OVER!!!" They all Mysteriously dissapeard. In other news a great green mass of what looks like guts were found where the bus was. This just in from the Hoenn a Three Thousend year old Wingull was found flying over route 132. Now interviewing that winngull is Raynold Quaza. Ray what you got for us?
Ray: Thanx Mi. This 3000 Year old wingull is quite a shock. Its three times the size of a mini van and has three eyes. We would send you a picture but the photographer , Skyler Ak died suddently last nite.(Skyler =;167; = Goldenrod=vroom vroom honk honk shash smash) Quite a sad story.ANyway we continue this wingull knew deoxys when he was as small as caned tuna.Here he is now. Very old wingull:hello im super wingull! i have the power to jump of high cliffs. Ray:OK Then back to you mi. Mi Lotic: Thanx. Last week was the start of the Agatha Trials in which she was found with 72 and a half kilos of stardust. When the trainer ie skyler dark master found her she was eating the sniffing kind. And now her Lawer!!!! Deranged lawer: Im mr lawer man! By day Im a LAWER!!! BY NITE IM A SUPER DUPER FAST JUMPING OF A CLIFF THINGy with drugs. IMEANMOPS!!!!! MI: GET THIS DRUGIE OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!! Anyway we all cant wait for the delivery of a baby girl. Karen will make a very good mother. With her now is Salsa the Seadra. Whats up?
Salsa The Psycotic Seadra: Boink! Thanx Mi. Here is karen the elite four member who is going to have a baby soon. Karen: SHOOT ME NOW FOR GAWDS SAKE!!!!!!!! I CANT LIVE WITHOUT SOFT CHEESE!!!!! Salsa: Yah. Anyway wats its name gonna be? Karen: Miza Rella. SAlsa: Ok and last question whos the father? Karen: hehheh oh so funny about that ahahahahaha...Morty. Salsa:....SAY WAT? This is salsa from karens hospital room in Celadon City. BOINK! *passes out* Mi: kay then This is Mi Lotic Reporting out.;350;


How was it Tell me what needs to be done. And remember,GO SEADRA!;117;

skyler,darkmaster
21st July 2006, 9:29 PM
good! i thought it was good just try to space some things thats all

42
21st July 2006, 9:36 PM
Very funny but short.

dylan,watermaster
21st July 2006, 9:39 PM
Very funny but short.

THANX U SOOOO MuCH!! I SHALL TAKE UOR ADVICE. Dances like a lunatic for three hours.

cooler3o5
21st July 2006, 9:40 PM
I AGREE WITH TOGE-OGE THE TOGEPI it was funny but short.

UltaFlame
21st July 2006, 9:49 PM
it was kinda hard to tel who was talking when

i could barely get anything out of this it was also very very disturbing

but other than that great

Leon Phelps
21st July 2006, 10:22 PM
Very funny but short.
Only because it was so terrible. D:

It's obvious that you didn't read the rules, or use spell check. What's a "Lawer"?

Even if you did spell correctly, followed the rules, and use proper grammar, this would still fail to entertain me. To tell you the truth, I couldn't even read this. I now direct you to the rules and the Advice thread.

Edit: Did you not read my post? Before you even think about a second episode, fix your first failure before this gets closed.

~Leon P.

dylan,watermaster
21st July 2006, 10:31 PM
I am now coming up with the 2nd episode of 2:30 news with Mi Lotic.
Thank you for your support. Here is a preview:


Karen:AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH THE PAIN! THE BURN!!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOOOOOOPPP!!! Doctor: FOR GODS SAKE BREATH YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

The-Magician-
21st July 2006, 10:44 PM
well......it.....is good......but try to use......hmmm.......more...........paragraphs..... ...please.

it is somewhat fun but sort of random.....try to write more story between jokes, not jokes alone and some dialogue, that would make a difference.

Also, if youre gonna make a random story make it longer...... i know it is a pain in the $%%.



Food luck! XD..................no, really Good luck!

Caterpie Master
21st July 2006, 10:45 PM
This is VERY weird....soo........I LIKE IT!!! random, funny things are my favourite!
go on with this!*Thumbs up*

~*Nobody*~
21st July 2006, 10:53 PM
*ahem* Where to start...

1. Have you EVER heard of the space bar? YOU SEE LIKE THIS!!

2. Script? SCRIPT?! No no no no. Script is only good when done properly, go read The Ash ans Pikachu Show thats good script. This this is very bad script.

3. SPACE OUT THE DARN TEXT. Here I'll be nice and show you:


Ray: Thanx Mi. This 3000 Year old wingull is quite a shock. Its three times the size of a mini van and has three eyes. We would send you a picture but the photographer , Skyler Ak died suddently last nite.(Skyler = = Goldenrod=vroom vroom honk honk shash smash) Quite a sad story.ANyway we continue this wingull knew deoxys when he was as small as caned tuna.Here he is now.

Very old wingull:hello im super wingull! i have the power to jump of high cliffs.

Ray:OK Then back to you mi.

Mi Lotic: Thanx. Last week was the start of the Agatha Trials in which she was found with 72 and a half kilos of stardust. When the trainer ie skyler dark master found her she was eating the sniffing kind. And now her Lawer!!!!

Deranged lawer: Im mr lawer man! By day Im a LAWER!!! BY NITE IM A SUPER DUPER FAST JUMPING OF A CLIFF THINGy with drugs. IMEANMOPS!!!!!

MI: GET THIS DRUGIE OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!! Anyway we all cant wait for the delivery of a baby girl. Karen will make a very good mother. With her now is Salsa the Seadra. Whats up?

Salsa The Psycotic Seadra: Boink! Thanx Mi. Here is karen the elite four member who is going to have a baby soon.

Karen: SHOOT ME NOW FOR GAWDS SAKE!!!!!!!! I CANT LIVE WITHOUT SOFT CHEESE!!!!!

Salsa: Yah. Anyway wats its name gonna be?

Karen: Miza Rella. SAlsa: Ok and last question whos the father?

Karen: hehheh oh so funny about that ahahahahaha...Morty.

Salsa:....SAY WAT? This is salsa from karens hospital room in Celadon City. BOINK! *passes out*

Mi: kay then This is Mi Lotic Reporting out.

Ah much better. BUT STILL BAD.

4. Use some good spelling PLEASE.

5. No smilies.

6. Go here right now: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19 Then go read the wonderful rules.

Need I go on? Now I suggest you run before Yami Ryuu gets here.

42
21st July 2006, 11:08 PM
Please add many more paragraphes and have better spelling. Speaking of spelling, that reminds me, I have too write chapter 4 of my fanfic!!!

Oh, and can there be an interveiw with Plusle and Minun, the Hyperactive exploding guys?

Zephyr Flare
21st July 2006, 11:13 PM
Scoot to the rules.

Scoot to the Advice for Aspiring Authors.

And clap.


Sandra

dylan,watermaster
22nd July 2006, 1:53 AM
Mi Lotic: Hello this is the 2:30 News with Mi Lotic. Here is some Exiting Stuff!
Just now Karen had a baby girl!!! Her name is.....................KOGA? No wait wrong section. Her name is Aurora Light! Can you see a future dark trainer...Not me. Heres a vidio clip of it. PLAY IT!!!

Karen: OH GOD ITS COMIN!! IT HURTS!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! IT BURNS!!! IT STINGS!!!!

Doctor: Ok just breath Breath. (inhales and exhales pointlessly as if he was having a baby....HMMMM)

Karen OH GOD! IT HURTS!!! IT BUUUUUUUURNS!!!!! OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!!

Doctor Who apears to being P.O.ed: BREATH DAMMIT!! BREATH!!!

Karen OH MAKE IT STOP!!!! IT HURTS!!! IT BURNS!!!!

DOCTOR: BREATH YOU IDIOT!!!

Mi Lotic: .........Uhhh ummmm urrrrr. Guest apperence oh wait he died.

( Mi scrambles through papers) Here we go. The new staff weather person...place thingy.....with a mop....PLEASE WELCOME CAS FORM!!!

Cas: Well here in goldenrod it is pouring like Poochyenas and Skittys out there.

(Camera man looks out window and it is shiny with sun)

Cas: oopsie doodle. RAIN.....RAIN.......RAIN YOU STUPID ENVIORMENT!!

(it starts pouring)

Cas: And theres the weather. Im Cas Form.

Mi: Now from the Hoenn Ray Quaza. Ray.

Ray: Thanks Mi. We will be interviewing Plus and Minus a plusle and a minun who dont need electronics to have fun. Here they are.

Plus and Minus speaking in unison: Hello

Ray:What do you two do for fun?

The douo: We Play dolls and uhhh Fly!! We do it by jumping of the cycling brige.

Ray:O_o One last question. Do you two support each other?

Douo: Of corse we do!! ^_^(claps hands and that area explodes)

Ray:-_- Im Ray Quaza Back to you Mi. (passes out)

Mi: This just in. Koga Found dating with Agatha! He is ashamed of her for doing stardust. Now with sports! Tom HiteVonchan. Tom.

Tom: Today a naked a politoad ran onto the tennis court when a game was being played. Thats it.... ^.^

Mi: Thank you Tom. This is Mi Lotic Reporting Off.;350;

Thank you Skyler Darkmaster for additional help.
RATE MY STUFF!!!

42
22nd July 2006, 2:08 AM
You need to make this longer......If you want an example, the length of an episode of The Ash and Pikachu Show!

Also, Pichu Brothers need an entrance.

Mario Man
22nd July 2006, 2:56 AM
Funny! I agree with Toge-Oge The Togepi. make it longer like The Ash and Pikachu Show! Here's a tip. Read the completed fics. and see what they do right and wrong and then compare it to your right and wrongs and see what you can change.

Yami Ryu
22nd July 2006, 3:50 AM
I smell- half arsed script! :O

dylan,watermaster: Just because it's script doesn't mean you can skimp. Why? Because half assed **** is against the rules. And guess what, this is half assed :/ it's not proper, it's not long enough- just cause it's script doesn't mean you can make it pathetic. Go read script by Cheshire Cat. He has made a script that I think will be the best example I could throw you at. Two others I know of that write in script are Typhlogirl and Flaming Ruby.

Then I suggest you do actualy get your butt over to the advice thread and read it :/ and I don't mean the advice for fics- there is an advice thread for scripting fics somewhere. I think Razor Leaf made it, so pm him for the link.

And seriously, about the length- it does need to be longer, as all together this would probably, barely, make 3 paragraphs. As I said- just because its script doesn't mean you should slack off with the effort in your writing.

But I have to give you a brownie point for starting to imrpove your script- if even a small ammount.

dylan,watermaster
22nd July 2006, 3:52 AM
sorry guys but this isnt a talk show...its the 2:30 news with Mi Lotic.
And give positive renforcement Kay. Im new to the forum.

And RATE MY STUFF!;350;

Mario Man
22nd July 2006, 3:56 AM
well duh! we can see that!

Yami Ryu
22nd July 2006, 4:10 AM
... I'm just gonna ask one thing. Did you read any of the critisism anyone gave you? Outside of Spacing Scentences?

And you want your stuff rated? Look at the stars- they reflect what the people have told you. You aren't gonna get a better rating if you don't improve. Newbie or not. Sheesh. It feels like your ignoring all the help that's been given, thrown and stapled to your forhead.

Also, Mario Man: stop spamming :/

Mario Man
22nd July 2006, 4:22 AM
Fine. have it your way, Yami Ryu

Flaming Lip
22nd July 2006, 4:29 AM
Listen, to the flower people- er... Yami Ryu. Yeah, listen to her.

Seriously; though the most recent post was an improvement, a lot of the humor is lost because it just doesn't look 'profesional' (for the lack of a better word) enough. Please, DO read Cheshire Cat's scripts. Notice the description, the detail in actions and tone of voice. Scripts can either be really easy or really hard. When done half-assed like you've been doing them right now, than of course its rather easy. Its not that easy too write a proper script, which is why its not even a very good idea to use script.

Pacing is the biggest problem; you go to once scene and stay there for four or five line, which ruins a lot of the humor hear because their just isn't enough time to set up a decent joke. If you try to have a little develpment that can lead to a decent joke, than you'd be killing two birds with one stone as you'd also be increasing the length of the episodes, as that is a major issue.

So just take the advice of the reviewers and try to improve; we're not trying to scare you away, we're trying to help.

Haruhi Suzumiya
22nd July 2006, 4:35 AM
It's poorly crafted. Little to no structure, and I found the humor bland and uninteresting. Try harder, and don't overuse the capslock.

UltaFlame
22nd July 2006, 5:19 AM
(gritting teeth) although i dont agree with a certain reviewers antics and ways of approach (stops gritting teeth) he's right this si poorly done i can barely make out what a storyline (if there even was an attempt) was you could do better you have a lot of talent and potential just rise to the occasion and try to learn from reiews i do (AND I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING EMOTIONALLY ATTACKED) and i definetly feel as if i'm getting better just try to let your creativity flow without exploding into too much randomosity

42
22nd July 2006, 6:13 AM
You could at leadt have more new stories and interveiws. That is what is really needed.

dylan,watermaster
22nd July 2006, 2:13 PM
Thanx for the critism episode three on its way.

Heres a priview:
HURICANE (jumps out window)

dylan,watermaster
23rd July 2006, 6:20 PM
sorry its taking so long i need a better suject.

UltaFlame
25th July 2006, 4:52 AM
(as before i feel as if you paid no mind to me [no reason just do]) but maybe you could have a freak lightning storm kill ray quaza during an interview or something like that maybe have that atorm caused bye AN evil organization and mi lotic sets out to get revenge for her friend. hey just thought time for a plot line to go in here

dylan,watermaster
17th October 2006, 3:01 AM
Mi Lotic:Good evening. This is the 2:30 news with Mi Lotic. Im Mi Lotic. With sad news. A class 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 huricane is headed straight for us,and everyone else. Now heres Salsa Seadra, live,with The Source.

Salsa:BOINK! Ok. We are going to interview 3 random trainers to see what they think about this catacalylsmic event forseen.

Trainer 1. KFC! KFC!KFC!CKFGSYYYY!

Salsa:0_o Ok Im just not going to ask. Trainer 2!

Trainer 2. Yeah like, were all set because, like were like going to like like like like, eat our Tangela.

Salsa:............................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .........................................Trainer 3?

Trainer 3:I am one with peace. I am not worried.

Salsa: There's a hurricane coming.

Trainer 3: HURRICANE?! ( jumps out window)

Salsa: Ok this is Salsa Seadra over and out.

Mi:Thanxs you now with spooooooooooooooorts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURICANE!!!!!!
(flys out window)



The next 3 episodes will have new hosts, until formers are found. HAPPYS!

Rate, Rate, Rate!!;117; ;393;

dylan,watermaster
17th October 2006, 3:01 AM
Mi Lotic:Good evening. This is the 2:30 news with Mi Lotic. Im Mi Lotic. With sad news. A class 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 huricane is headed straight for us,and everyone else. Now heres Salsa Seadra, live,with The Source.

Salsa:BOINK! Ok. We are going to interview 3 random trainers to see what they think about this catacalylsmic event forseen.

Trainer 1. KFC! KFC!KFC!CKFGSYYYY!

Salsa:0_o Ok Im just not going to ask. Trainer 2!

Trainer 2. Yeah like, were all set because, like were like going to like like like like, eat our Tangela.

Salsa:............................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .........................................Trainer 3?

Trainer 3:I am one with peace. I am not worried.

Salsa: There's a hurricane coming.

Trainer 3: HURRICANE?! ( jumps out window)

Salsa: Ok this is Salsa Seadra over and out.

Mi:Thanxs you now with spooooooooooooooorts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HURICANE!!!!!!
(flys out window)



The next 3 episodes will have new hosts, until formers are found. HAPPYS!

Rate, Rate, Rate!!;117; ;393;

Yami Ryu
17th October 2006, 3:03 AM
Rate, Rate, Rate!!

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM!

I report you for being stupid, blind, deaf and not trying to get better, failing to read/take in any of the advice thrown at you, and ignoring the RULES and ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS threads.

Zephyr Flare
17th October 2006, 5:00 PM
Look it's time to stop ignoring and start listening. The reason people find it funny is because it is laughably BAD. Time to stop making excuses and get working.

These are insanely short, badly written and in no way fit humor. You've been ignoring any and all advice blatantly so I see no point of repeating it.

You were iven examples but because yours is different, according to you they should be ignored. If they were the same I'd be concerned as that could be blatant copying but that does NOT make them useless as a potential resource start. Ever occur to maybe ask the writer for some tips on the style? Never know till you ask.


I'm closing this on quality, I gave you a chance, forgot about it because for some reason the subscription died but you flaunted it.


Sandra