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Korobooshi Kojiro
24th July 2006, 9:57 PM
It's in the format of Animorphs kinda, each chapter being told from a diffrent point of view.

PRELUDE:

As I climbed the mountain, I became more and more nervous as my friends around me quickly found their own unique ways up it. Such as Quinton, a big doofus dressed in an odd outfit of blue, with matching hair, easily used his muscles to climb up it. He had me beat there. If it was anything involving his brain, you could have been sure I would have won, naturally. I then heard an annoying high pitched giggle as a girl floated up next to me, and yes, floated. Julie, as she called herself, looked like a giant pink beach ball with a head, and appendages coming out of it. If she hadn’t looked like a bloated balloon, I would’ve of said she’s kinda cute with her purple ponytail. And then their was Amber, a real creepy girl with an oversized white coat, with bleached hair quickly climbed up with an emotionless face. Did I mention she had a black wing emerging from her hair and claws?

You’re probably wondering what the heck kind of people I’m with, but maybe I should mention I have bright red cheeks and can shoot out thunder. Basically, it’s the result of the taxpayer’s money in Orre, my home region. I, Chad, along with these losers, was involved in an experiment of dangerous proportions, fusing our DNA with those of Pokemon. Tell me you know what a Pokemon is, those “amazing” creatures that live in our world, that are the center of life. I personally think their kinda dumb, I mean, their actually very sparse here, so I haven’t seen much of them. I wonder how many there are, my online friends once said where he came from they were everywhere. Then again, my friend also goes on and on about seeing an alien once, so I don’t really know if I should trust him. So, basically I was spliced with Pikachu, this little rat, and gained its powers of electricity, including these crappy cheeks. The same with Quinton, he was spliced with a Quagsire, Amber with an Absol, and Julie with Jigglypuff, which I can’t stand.

So, why am I climbing a rock? Well, we have to train; the government told us it was to “focus” our abilities for the threat ahead. Of course, we don’t know what that is yet. We weren’t even asked if we wanted this to happen to us.

“Come on, get a move on!” yelled Quinton as he peered over the top, looking down at me probably thinking how weak I was.

“Gosh! Just wait a second, I don’t have super strength, loser!” I yelled back angrily as I finally made it to where the others were waiting, Julie helping me up who had now deflated back to her anorexic size self. Did I mention how annoying she is? She was giggling as she helped me up, probably thinking of how lame I am and all, not that she’s any cooler.

“Um, good job everyone.” Amber quietly said as I frowned at her, causing her to shrink back in shame. Darn, I wish she would stop being such a wimp and do something useful for once. That’s the problem, all these guys are useless, and you think the government could’ve at least screwed over someone useful, but they fail like always. Why couldn’t they use their tax money to help all the starving people in the slums of Pyrite Town, or rebuild the old train line for transportation, not this bizarre experiment to combat some non-existent force.

“I feel a lot tougher now, like I could totally beat up a million Aggrons!” Quinton said as he began punching the air, although I doubt even with his strength he could battle and Aggron. Imagine a triceratops with battle armor, and you got an Aggron.

“Very nice you guys, bar Chad, have beaten your previous records!” announced a small man with curly blue hair in a lab coat, and thick white hair. He was Professor Shori, a government quack in charge of our development, or lack of it.

“Go team!” yelled Julie in her best cheerleader voice as she jumped and hugged Amber who blushed.

“We don’t need a cheerleader, we still suck!” I yelled causing her to puff her cheeks up a little trying to make me apologize. Good luck.

“Now now, you just need some more practice!” Shori said as he reached into a cooler next to him and tossed each of us a bottle of Gyrados Water.

“Nah! It’s just Chad that needs practice!” Quinton added, as I tried not to punch his ugly face. Professor Shori walked over to me.

“Now now, Chad simply has different skills then the rest of you, he can’t float, climb, or claw his way up.”, I frowned for a second realizing what a wimp he made me sound like, “but he has amazing abilities of his own, so why don’t we move onto target practice?” he asked as we followed him down the mountain path.



Amber was up first as she walked up to a white chalk line engraved on the barren desert ground, a bull’s eye across from her a few meter. She slowly swung her hair back, as the wing on her head glowed. Suddenly, she whipped her head around and a blade of air whipped through and sliced the target in half. I have to admit, it was pretty cool….for her.

“YAY!” Julie yelled as she ran out and stood in front of her target. She now begun to suck in air as her stomach bulged and she quickly started to look like a beach ball again. This always freaked me out, but she seemed to experience no pain at all as she cast a shadow over us as we stood behind her. She then quickly shot a huge burst of air from her mouth, slamming the target and sending it flying as she returned to normal. I can’t stand how she always smiles like an idiot. Even more annoying is what Quinton always does, he shoots water, yes water, out of his hands at a target like some dumb carnival game you win cheap prizes at.

“I’m up, so whatever.” I said as I made my way to my target, holding out my hand as I shot a small tiny spark from it.

“BWAHAHA!” Quinton laughed as Julie gave me waves of annoying praise that I don’t even care, or want to understand.

“Rub your cheeks!” Shori yelled, as I almost burst out laughing at such an odd statement. He meant my cheeks on my face by the way, so I decided to rub them just for the heck of it. Hey, I’m very curious sometimes so don’t laugh at me or anything.

“What the heck is this about?” I yelled at Shori who simply nodded and pointed to the target, and I help up my hands at it again. I don’t know what happened next, but next thing I know I was on my back with the target completely fryed.

“WHOA!” yelled Julie who ran up and helped me up, or tried to until I slapped her hand away from me like a fly. I hate affection. I did like it, when I realized it, that I had shot a bolt of lighting through the target. And did I mention their used to be a rock behind it as well?

“Now now, you see kids? Chad is no joke, wouldn’t you agree?” he said as I stood up.
“Hell yeah!” I growled. Maybe those scientists have brains after all?!

Yami Ryu
25th July 2006, 3:09 AM
You forget one important fact ;/ Animorphs it was each book was a different point of view. And I doubt you'll be able to do a different point of view each chapter without making people mad, as you barely were able to scratch the surface of all the characters emotions and description for anything they interacted with. And given that's including the one that you are having first off in the POV... that's sad.

Your story also feels ... blah. And a rip off of Animorphs. And how exactly did you get spliced with pokemon DNA? I'm making a story like that but I have more for it for the spliced part as just throwing DNA at fully grown humans won't really change them. Bet it might kill them or not work, etcetc.


Did I mention she had a black wing emerging from her hair and claws?

God that sounds like a rip off of Sephiroth... anyways Absol's don't have wings on their heads. IT'S A BLADE OF BONE.


Even more annoying is what Quinton always does, he shoots water, yes water, out of his hands at a target like some dumb carnival game you win cheap prizes at.

I can just here Yusuke *****ing >>

Anyways how could he do that? Does the water bleed from his skin? Does he sweat? Does he draw it from the air? It's more believable he used his mouth to shoot the attack off.

This is like Wooper using Ice Punch and it's got no arms.

[quote] Imagine a triceratops with battle armor, and you got an Aggron.[quote]

Actually no you just got a triceratops in armor, and not an Aggron ;/ so I would suggest you practice using your imagination and describing skills before attempting a second chapter. I would suggest you put more effort into it. More of a heart and soul, along with emotional depth, and everything else that you probably know you're skimping on.

Then read Advice for Aspiring Authors thread. And then some five star fics to know what to do- and then some 1/2 stars to understand what not to do.

Korobooshi Kojiro
25th July 2006, 3:18 AM
Well, the description is based off what the character is thinking, so he wouldn't go into huge depth about something really. And I won't change the narrator every chapter, it's every like new "saga" kind of.

And I don't think it is an animorph ripoff, they don't change into Pokemon.

And Amber is not a ripoff of Sephiroth, I just didn't know what to call that "thing" on Absol's head, so I went with wing.

Yami Ryu
25th July 2006, 3:22 AM
Does it even look like a wing? It looks like a sword- not a wing :/ and just because they don't turn into pokemon in animorphs doesn't mean this doesn't have to not feel like a rip off.


each chapter being told from a diffrent point of view.

Unless you make your chapters longer, they should stay in one person for the POV of first. And this is why also, most people don't write in first person unless they're really good at it- as even if it's still in first person you can have the character observe his surroundings, how his 'friends' act, like if they look happy or sad, or something, or if he/she knows they are pulling an act- etc and so forth :/

Korobooshi Kojiro
25th July 2006, 3:28 AM
Well, Animorphs were given their powers by an alien to combat another alien, not taken by the goverment and experimented on. The only "animorphy" feel of it is the way it's narrated.

And I realized after you posted not to change the narrator each chapter, so I'll kind of go indepth ith each character first.

And this was kind of a test, I'm gonna make the other chapters bigger.