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BlazikenFan
25th July 2006, 4:33 AM
Welcome to Pokemon: the capture quest! this is my first Fanfic, so I've never been reviewed. Of course, I have done others on microsoft word...


Chapter 1: Panic in Pallet!
The sun is rising in Pallet town. In bed, a boy named Simon is asleep. The clock rings and he thinks it's a warning for a meteor, so he runs to Celadon before he realizes it was what it was. By the time he got back, breakfast is ready, so he sends out his multiple pokemon. Out of his pokeballs come a Magby, Hitmonlee, Vileplume, Flareon, Muk, and Rattata. They all say hello, then eat their breakfast. After breakfast, they go into a meadow to play. Then, they all hear an explosion and run to the source. As they get there, they see an army of Voltorb, led by an Electrode. Simon orders his pokemon to attack. A barrage of fire, kicks, poison powder, fire again, sludge, and tackles hit the Voltorb. Simon throws some pokeballs and captures every last Voltorb. The leader trys to get away but fails. Later, Pallet town is having a party to celebrate Simon. But as soon as the party's over, Simon goes off on a capture quest!

Pokemon seen:
Magby
Hitmonlee
Vileplume
Flareon
Rattata
Muk
Voltorb
Electrode



Well, do you like it?

Willow's Tara
25th July 2006, 4:48 AM
Well it is short, most stories are supposed to be a page long, and it lacked description and not much action either, and tell you the truth, it not really unrealistic, maybe you should go read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread to get ideas..

Yami Ryu
25th July 2006, 4:57 AM
To tell the truth this is a piece of ****.

Blazikenfan: If you don't want to end up the laughing stock for posting such crap spam, go read the damn RULES thread and ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS.

UltaFlame
25th July 2006, 4:57 AM
ya i cn see what you were going for but maybe you could have done something like this

' upon arriving at the scene the explosion Simon called to his pokemon, "This is dangerous we should do something before someone gets hurt," then thinking of a battle strategy, "I know we should fire a buch of attacks to faint thwm so there easy to catch," then thining of who to have attack which pokemon section relizing the voltorb were comong just shouted, "ATTACK"!!!'

EDIT: don;t mind yami ryu's mean way of teling yu what to do.

But you should go check that sec out it's really helpful to some and yami ryu always does the * things in every post i've seen EXCEPT for MAYBE one

Astinus
25th July 2006, 9:27 AM
The asteriks are censored swears. That way no little kid gets scared for life. :/

This makes no sense. It is physically impossible for a kid to run from Pallet Town to Celadon City in the space of a half-hour. It breaks the laws of the universe. That makes your fic unrealistic and turns readers off. I mean, it makes your characters not human.

And alas, that was the absoulute worst described battle scene ever. It fit into a sentence. Right. A battle of that size should at least be a couple of paragraphs. Or possibly pages. You need to tell what the characters are seeing, feeling, smelling... You have five senses and emotions to write descriptions of.

Don't be afraid to use dialogue. It makes your story interesting.

Your story breaks a rule of the fanfiction forum. "Prologues should be one page in length." Even with your random list of Pokémon, it doesn't reach that amount...at all.

That's all I can say on the subject. Proper paragraphing is needed, and then you need to follow the rest of what I told you in this here post.


even though it sounded a bit mean hes right more description some dialogue more than a sentence long battle. will make your fic last even if it's barely

I'm a girl. Can't you read the bolded font in my signature? I bolded it to make it special and noticable. You also could have clicked on my profile. Next time, please double-check the facts about someone before writing about them. ><

UltaFlame
25th July 2006, 9:35 AM
even though it sounded a bit mean hes right more description some dialogue more than a sentence long battle. will make your fic last even if it's barely

chrisivy
25th July 2006, 5:05 PM
Ok... (cough)

BlazikenFan
30th July 2006, 11:13 PM
Well, like I said, it is my first time being reviewed, and the Pallet to Celadon thing was just supposed to be comedy.

BlazikenFan
30th July 2006, 11:24 PM
Another thing, Simon is sort of the boy equivelant of Crystal, so I decided to make the battle short to actually make it a capture quest. And, I didn't have much time while making the first chapter, so it coudn't be very long.