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Dragon trainer
27th July 2006, 2:48 AM
NOTE: DONE FROM THE POKEMONS POV, NO HUMANS JUST POKEMON THATS IT

here is chapter 1:
Chapter 1: The hatchlings
Burn Clan

The stocky and sturdy fiery orange dragon lay watching her eggs as the embers of the once roaring fire shimmered down into shimmering embers.

Clinking into each of the reptile like eggs, with weird clicks, responding from each came reptile groans and clicks.

The rain was pounding down outside. The female lay safe knowing that she could not be reached this far into her lair. She looked behind her. Her chocolate brown eyes so full of concern, as she waited for her mate to return, hopefully for with enough to last her and her mate and maybe her hatchlings. The eggs were not far from hatching yet and she hoped he would be home in time.

A deep yawn came from within the lair.

“Ghost?” She replied.

“Yeah, Ember?” Came a sweet and soft voice, from Ember slightly raspy voice.

“Just wondered” She replied.

A familiar face popped into the cave, angelic looking face with a scar across her face.

The young female growled at the lower rank member, her eyes pieced. Heavily protective. For this the eggs laid their exactly seven days ago, was her first brood.

The other female retreated to her own eggs.

Suddenly the ground shock. She stood up; there was another young fire orange dragon like creature.

His tail lit brightly.

“Here” He tossed a dead large bird like creature to her, she caught it. Relived, at last of finally eating.

“I’ll give Ghost and Stalker something to eat” He mumbled.

She growled at him.

“WHAT?!” he shouted at her.

She stood looking at him.

Suddenly a cry of delight came from within the cave.

They lumbered fairly quickly into the cave nests.
A young female, who had laid four eggs, squealed over at her fellow clan member, and looked down at her eggs as one clicked loudly from within. Then cracking, the shell split open. They all looked down at this one egg as if nothing else mattered.

The youg female clicked louder in excitement.

Then it fell to the side. There was a small beautiful, sightly pale yellow baby lizard. He looked up in awe and amazement at the faces and horns looking down on him. Each more excited then the first. He tried to stand, but fell back. Looking more scared then anything called out. The large female, started licking and looking down at her new bundle of scales.

She picked him up and took him aside. Cleaning him, guarding him.

“My first new born” The male cried out, his first egg from his mate had hatched.

The older female looked in disgust down on him.

“Too pale, not proper coloured. Too skinny” She critised.

“It’s only because your eggs didn’t hatch first and now you’re last” Roared out an angry Ghost.

“LEAVE, Leave ember and never return” The male defended his two females.

Shocked at her mate’s reaction she turned, and headed back towards her eggs. Hoping that one would have hatched.

“My eggs are not yours anyway Drako They will have a proper father” She hissed.

“GO now and I’ll spare your life” He hissed back, his eyes burning a bloody red.

She snorted and left them to coo over the new hatchling.


She returned to see her egg moving slightly. She moved over her egg, folding her beautiful elegant wings over and curving her head round over her two eggs.

The first hatched into a lovely boisterous male with pure black eyes of a midnight black colour and the second into a little female.

Her tail was a little longer then what normal charmander tails would be like, and her skin colour was a dazzling summery orange which shimmed into any light.

The three dragons appeared, wondering what the fuss was.

The female turned and roared loudly into the night sky, and an another male landed.

“Ahh the first born” He cooed, his voice defiantly deeper then drako’s, Scars littered his body. His eyes a jet black colour, his horns and tail longer then normal, showing signs of health and vitality.

“I told you to leave Ember” Drago roared.

“Leave my mate alone” Roared back the other male.

“And the new hatchlings of the Flame clan”

The other three dragons looked back in disgust at Ember.

“Oh say hello to Guardian and Angel” She roared in laughter.

As they flew off with the new borns into the night.

“Oh dear what we going to do?” asked a frightened Ghost.

“There’s nothing we can do… yet” The male replied as they headed into the cave.

Ghost returned to hers and her new hatchlings, now she had a total of four, the first a pale yellow male, the second a bright orange male, which seemed to be very curious to say the least. The third the first out of two females, who seemed to be sleeping a lot and the fourth the second female which spent her time day dreaming.

The young male returned.

“Stalker’s eggs have hatched” He responded.

“Wow, how many?” She asked, excited as he was.

“Four All male” He beamed.

“Well what we calling this lot?” She asked.

Although excited at her best friend and her fellow clan member success she was more excited at her own success.

“Well, little misses over here” He picked up the daydreaming one. “Dreamer, and the other female Sky and this male here” He picked up the inquisitive male, who tried to bite him on his father’s nose. “How about Cruncher.” The female giggled at this.

“And him here” He cooed over his new born son, who was the first hatched. “Midnight”

“Yes for some reason it just suits him”

“Yes Midnight, the first hatched of the Burning desire clan”

The young mum now fell to sleep, with her young scattered around her, but her son, up against her.

Yami Ryu
27th July 2006, 2:54 AM
... Go read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread. Did you also write this up in the reply box? You also took a perfectly good idea for a plot and slaughtered it with bad description, bad dialuage, rushedness and etcetcetc.

Meaning you wanted everything done now, so you sacrificed the soul for a craptacular body.

;/ maybe you should go read the advice thread now...... before making another crappy chapter. :/

UltaFlame
27th July 2006, 3:09 AM
i agree i had no idea what was going on. i thought what the this makes no sense! i am a major charizard fan and this this just puts them to shame (no offence ment there) but i also didn't like the utter lack of description.

Zephyr Soul
27th July 2006, 12:02 PM
...

One, as Yami Ryu said, you killed the plot. You seem to have trouble with description, putting it only in specific places. I'm not here to criticize that, because I know that myself. :/

Two, that male Charizard god mad at the female with NO REASON AT ALL. -.- She's just saying that the newborn Charmander is pale colored and skinny. At least provide an adequate description of WHY. For instance, say something like this:


"GET OUT!" an angry Drago roared, his impressive wings splayed out in all their sky- blue glory, meant to intimidate Ember. "Get out, and NEVER COME BACK! <insert explanation here>"

Also, please have the Charizard roar and all that sort of thing instead of clicks. I honestly cannot picture a Charizard clicking.

Three, the most annoying of all: one, you have two female Charmander. Any person who restarts their LG or FR knows how RARE a female Charmander is.

Two, you have not one, but TWO shiny Charmander. They are INSANELY RARE, and then you just decide to put oddly- colored Pokemon up in the fic. AT LEAST say how rare they are, and adequate description again. For instance, you could say that one of them gasps and says "There is only one of those every few hundred hatchings!" AND THEN, of course, there's also the problem with there being TWO...

Three, the names. :/ I know that names for Charizard are hard... but you can try to come up with ones of your own. Here's a small list of 'fire' words:

Corona(from Golden Sun :P), Lava, Magma, Ember, Flame, Volcano, Mars(the fire element in Golden Sun), Tiamat(the name of a fire dragon), Flare, Pyro.

You can even combine some of these words. For instance, I renamed my Typhlosion (previously 'Corona') as 'Corva' which is a combination of Corona and lava.

PLEASE follow these. I won't even start on the lack of description and the nonexistant flow. If you want this fic to be kept up and running, then follow my suggestions. :/ (And by all means, also follow Yami Ryu's advice)

SuperShadow
27th July 2006, 7:12 PM
This was rushed. I didn't know what was goin' on. I'm a Charizard fan, but this isn't a good fic. I agree with what Yami Ryu, Ultraflame and, Zephyr Soul said. You took a potentialy good plot and made it horrible.