View Full Version : Pokemon Angels: Hoenn

Emma Iveli
29th July 2006, 4:44 PM
I dicded to change Pokemon Angels up a bit... added things, remove things, change quite a bit and added the phraises "Anime fall", "Angry vein" and "sweat drop". Such changes to the sotry is that Smoochum had a much larger role and is outside of her Pokeball, Mina's a little more... well weird and among other things... also combining vols 1- 4 (includeing hte .5 vols), I'm leavign the oringnal up in the completed fanfics section so you cna comapre them... now here it is...

Pokemon Angels: Hoenn
By Emma Iveli


Hundreds of years ago when Tin Tower was burning in Ecruteak City, 17 women who had wings watched sadly, they are the Pokemon Angels protectors of all Pokemon. Each one represented a type of Pokemon such as fire, dark, grass, ice…etc. Each one had robes that reached above her knee and had their own color that was their hair and wing color.

“I can’t believe this is happened” said Ice Angel, her colors of sky blue, her robes were pale blue and with white fur trimming over the skirt.

“We must be reborn as humans hundreds of years from now” said Psychic Angel her color of purple, her robes were a beautiful shade of purple that differed form her hair color.

“Why do we have to follow your plan?” said Ghost Angel with an angry vein, he colors light purple and her robes were white that gave her skin almost a ghostly completion.

“It’s not mine, its Ho-oh’s” said Psychic Angel.

“Then why isn’t Fire or Flying telling us” said Ghost Angel.

“Ho-oh told us that he wanted Psychic to tell” said Fire Angel her color was red while her robes were orange and red that resembled fire.

“Because he likes it when they fight” said Flying Angel, who colors were light blue and robes seemed to be white and sky blue almost resembled clouds, she whispered this to Ice Angel and Grass Angel who color was green and her robes were pink and had flowers trimmed on it.

“Well I don’t” said Ice Angel.

“We need to choose who will be reborn first” said Psychic Angel.

“I will” said Dark Angel, her color was black and her robes were a very dark blue.

“Who will go last?” said Psychic Angel.

“I will” said Ice Angel.

“Okay, I have asked a Priestess of Ho-oh to build a shrine in our honor” said Fire Angel.

“What?” said Water Angel who’s color was blue and her robes were green-blue and simmered like water.

“Ho-oh told us this would happen a couple days ago” said Flying Angel, “But didn’t tell us what we had had to do…” she added mentally.

“Ho-oh will choose a chosen one who will bring together the hearts of humans and Pokemon. We will all be born around the time he will. A couple years before and a couple years after, now let’s go” said Psychic Angel.

The Pokemon Angels vanished and though out the years most people have forgotten them and many consider it a fairy tale, until now…

Emma Iveli
29th July 2006, 4:45 PM
Here's the first opffical chapter...

Chapter 1: The Legend is Real.

Mina Koki got up from sleeping, her waist long blonde hair was messy from sleep and she rubbed her sky blue eyes awake.

“Well Smoochum’s today’s the day!” she said.

“Smoochum smooch!” said Smoochum happily.

She went over to her boom box and put on a CD that she made of various Anime songs she loved as she got dressed the song that played was "Ready" from One Piece. She put on a blue t-shirt and a pink skirt. She began to brush her hair and she grabbed a pink headband and put in her hair.

“Time to get packing!” she said.

She looked at her Spheal back pack… “What should I put in there… I already put in the essentials… what else should I bring?” she said thinking.

“Smoochum…” thought Smoochum.

“I know!” said Mina she grabbed her boom box, which was now off, CDs, then things got a little strange… “TV… satellite… DVD player, DVDs, manga, magazines, Naruto head bands, karaoke player…” said Mina.

How could she fit all this in a Spheal shaped backpack was beyond anyone’s guess.

“Oh yeah I almost forgot…” said Mina, she grabbed a hand made Sailor Mercury doll.

“Can’t forget my good luck charm…” she added, she looked towards a family picture of her when she was three, both her parent were there, so was her cousin’s family, her cousin’s cousin’s (AKA her rival) and her cousin’s cousin’s cousin’s (AKA her best friend) family in a happy… her cousin’s family vanished with out trace right after the picture was taken.

“Anne…” she thought sadly she shook her and knew she had to be happy.

“Okay Smoochum you all ready?” asked Mina.

“Smoochum smooch!” said Smoochum happily.

She ran down stairs to say good-bye to her parents.

“Honey before you go we have awe a birthday present for you” said her mom.

“Is it the Naruto uncut box set?” said Mina.

“No it’s the book you wanted” said her dad.

“Which manga…?” said Mina.

Both her parents sweatdroped.

“No… it’s the one non-manga book you wanted… Legend of the Pokemon Angels” said her mom handing her the book.

“Thanks” said Mina ever since she was little girl she was obsessed with the legend.

“Well see you around…” said Mina leaving.

“Smoochum!” said Smoochum.

“Well she’s all grown up now…” said her mom.

“That’s our girl… even if she is a little strange…” said her father.

Meanwhile Mina was at the edge of her town Manla Town. She was on a hill over looking the fields that her town has for breeding Pokemon, when she saw Matt, the boy she has a crush on. He had dirty blonde hair that was fairly long for a boy and gray eyes, he wore a white t-shirt and cargo pants.

“Hi Matt” said Mina blushing.

“Oh hey Mina, hey Smoochum…” said Matt.

“So your going on your journey too” said Mina.

Matt was 12 but still hadn’t gone on his journey for some reason.

“Yeah I wanted to train my Tyrouge before I go on my journey for a bit.” said Matt.

“I know” said Mina still blushing.

Suddenly a voice said “Wassup!”

Mina turned around and saw Peter her rival. He has blue hair with what Mina calls a Tenchi style (shot almost shaved head and a small ponytail). He wore faded jeans, black t-shirt on with a green jacket and a look that said “I’m better than you”, the two never got along in fact he’s 11 and could have started his journey a year beforehand but didn’t… just to annoy Mina.

“What are you doing here” said Mina wit an angry vein.

“Well I waited for a year 'till you were 10 so I could battle you” said Peter.

“No way! One thing you waited all this time for me to turn and we could have a practice battle the whole time… after all I’ve had Smoochum for the past few months” said Mina.

Smoochum sighed “Smoochum…” she grumbled.

“And second, you choose a Magby for your first Pokemon, while you knew I love ice Pokemon you'd win.” said Mina who wanted to specialize in ice Pokemon.

She angrily walked away. She turned around pulled one of her bottom eyelids and stuck out her tongue. Mina walked into the nearby forest.

Later in the forest, Mina was still angry when she ran into a trainer with a Pikachu and three friends. The trainer wore a blue hooded sweatshirt, over a black t-shirt, red hat and back hat with a green Pokeball and jeans. One of his friends were a girl with brown hair, blue eyes and wore a red shirt, white skirt, black bike shorts with a blue stripe going down them and a red bandanna over her head, another was a young man with dark skin and dark brown hair his eyes were squinty he wore a brown shirt with an orange collar over a green t-shirt and cargo pants and finally the last of a little kid with glasses with a dark greenish blue, almost black hair who wore a green t-shirt and brown shorts.

Both Mina and the trainer got up. Suddenly both Mina's and the trainer's stomachs glowered.

“I'm hungry” said the trainer.

“Me too.” said Mina.

“If you want to eat you can join us” said one of the trainer’s friends.

“Really thanks; oh my name is Mina and this is Smoochum.” said Mina.


“My name's Ash and this is Pikachu.” said the trainer.

“Pikachu!” said his Pikachu.

“I'm Max” said the little kid.

“My name is Brock” said the young man.

“I'm May” said the girl.

Not too long later they were all eating Brock's stew when Ash said Mina "You seemed angry when you bumped me"

“I think it was because my cousin got her angry” said a voice behind them.

Mina turned around and saw Maggie, Peter's cousin, she looked nothing like her cousin, she had bright green hair and matching eyes she wore a green t-shirt and jean short, she lived Ilex Forest but she is no ordinary girl, she is the garden of Ilex Forest, she has powers that no one else but her mother has, she also has a Celebi the guardian Pokemon of Ilex Forest.

“Hey Maggie what are you doing here?” said Mina.

“I'm going though real world training it will take a few years” said Maggie.

“Cool you want to join me right” said Mina.

“Your right, after all this your 10th birthday and you just started your journey.” said Maggie.

“You just started today?” asked Ash.

“Yep, though I had Smoochum for a few months… my father runs Koki eggs and I got to choose my first Pokemon from an egg her had… I’ve been raising Smoochum for quite a while, since she was an egg…” said Mina.

Smoochum gave a nod.

“Wow…” said Ash.

Meanwhile a trio of crooks called Team Rocket was watching them, a young woman named Jessie with extremely long red hair, a young named James with fairly long blue/purple hair and a talking Meowth.

“Look at that Smoochum” said Jessie

“Let's give it to the boss” said Meowth.

“Why?” said James.

Meowth began to fantasize about what would happen if they Smoochum.

“Picture this...the boss tired coming home Smoochum fetches his slippers and pipe, messages his feet and gives him a big kiss and do you what he'll say” said Meowth.

“What?” said Jessie

“For bringing me this Smoochum, I promote you the head of the Hoenn Branch” said Meowth.

“I don't know, that sounds like what his wife does.” said James.

Back with Mina, Ash, Pikachu and the others Mina was talking about Peter while eating.

“He's so mean, he makes fun of me and...” said Mina.

Suddenly a bunch of small bombs come off and smoke went all around.

“What on Earth?” said Mina.

When the smoke cleared they saw a Meowth shaped Balloon with Team Rocket in it.

“Prepare for trouble”
“And make it double”
“To protect the world deviation”
“To unite all people within our nation”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”
“Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!”
“Surrender now or prepare to fight!”
“Meowth! That's right”
“Team Rocket!” said Ash

Mina was really confused then she saw Smoochum was in a net dangling underneath from the basket of the balloon with Pikachu.

“Smoochum” said Mina who collapsed.

“Mina!” said Maggie.

Maggie went over to her friend.

“Well good bye” said Jessie, and the balloon flew away.

“Go you guys I'll stay Mina” said Maggie.

“Okay” said Ash.

Meanwhile not to far way a fire type trainer named Kia was walking. She had long dark brown hair in a ponytail, she wore a white tank top and black jeans. She may seem like your normal girl but she isn't, she is the granddaughter of the keeper of the Angel Shrine, the shrine dedicated to the Pokemon Angels. Her grandfather also wrote the book about the legend. She saw the balloon and saw that Pikachu and Smoochum were in the net.

“That's not good” said Kia.

Meanwhile back with Mina and Maggie, Mina stood up and said “Smoochum, I won't let this happen”

She closed her eyes and her hair grew longer and turned Sky Blue her hair band vanished. She grew taller and her clothes changed to beautiful robes that were pale blue and ended right above her knee they were, the trim of the skirt was white fur. And she grew wings that matched her hair. She was Ice Angel.

Mina was confused but not as confused as Maggie. For some reason Mina knew what to do and she flew away.

Back with Ash and the others, they ran to catch up to Team Rocket.

“Don't they ever give up; fire the booster rocket Meowth” said Jessie.

“Firing Booster Rockets” said Meowth.

Rockets came from the side of the basket and the balloon flew faster.

“Oh man we'll never catch up” said Ash.

“Hey do you need help?” asked Kia who walked up.

“Yeah but how can you help?” said May.

“Arcannie let's go!” said Kia.

Kia let out her Arcanine, she and Ash jumped on to Arcanine's back and it started to run towards the balloon.

“Oh no they’re catching up” said James.

Jessie saw something flying towards the balloon.

“What is that?” said Jessie.

It was Mina flying towards the balloon very fast.

“How dare you steal Pokemon, especially an ice type because of that I will Freeze your Power!” said Mina scolding Team Rocket much like a Magical Girl.

Kia was shocked at what she saw; Ice Angel and not only that she found out that her Grandfather was right.

“Oh my” said Kia.

“Ice Beam!” said Mina using an attack.

The rockets froze and the Balloon stopped moving.

Mina flew down to the net under the basket froze the ropes, broke it and got Pikachu and Smoochum.

“Pikachu!” said Pikachu.

“Thanks” said Smoochum.

Mina wasn't sure if she just heard Smoochum talk. She flew back just May, Max and Brock got to where Ash and Kia. She handed Pikachu and Smoochum to Ash and May.

Brock practically ran up to her and said “Wow you are a heavenly beauty”

Mina wasn't sure what to do. She was also blushing very hard and she sweatdroped as well.

“I'm sorry but I have to finish off theses bozos” said Mina.

“Oh no!” said Team Rocket.

“Blizzard!” said Mina attacking.

Team Rocket's balloon flew away.

“Team Rocket's blasting off again”

Mina waved to them and flew away.

“Grandfather was right” said Kia

Meanwhile Mina got back to where Maggie was who was a little confused. Mina transformed back to her old self. Clothes, hair band, hair color height and all.

“What was that?” asked Maggie.

“I don’t know” said Mina breathing heavily, “So do you still want to travel with me”

“Sure, after all it would be kind of cool to travel with someone with special powers too” said Maggie.

“Really, cool!” said Mina.

Back with Ash, Mat, Max and Brock, Kia was walking with them.

“What just happened back there, I know what she is” said Kia.

“What do you mean?” asked Ash.

“Many years ago in The Dragon's Holy Land within the Johto the Dragon's shrine was built in the hopes that Pokemon and Humans can work together in peace. Out of that peace were born the Pokemon Angels, each one has the power of each Pokemon type...”

“Pokemon type?” said May.

“You know, water, fire, bug and so on” said Max.

“Well any ways for many years the Pokemon Angels lived in peace until Tin Tower burned, Ho-oh told them to welcome the chosen one...” said Kia.

“Chosen one?” said Ash.

“Yes, it is said that he was chosen by Ho-oh. That there are many legends about him. All Pokemon love him though sometimes it may take awhile. And for some reason that he destroys things when meeting people on accident...” said Kia.

“Why was the last one in there?” said Max.

“It's a clue to his identity. He is the one who melt the hearts of humans and Pokemon. The way Pokemon Angels went to welcome the chosen one is to be reborn as humans. It is said that Dark Angel was first to be reborn and will join those who harm Pokemon 'till she awakens and Ice Angel was the last to be reborn but the first to awaken. The one we saw was Ice Angel. So that means that that she is the only one who has awakened” said Kia.

“Wow” said May.

“Oh May, is that Smoochum yours” asked Kia.

“No, a trainer named Mina's Pokemon.” said May.

“Interesting…” said Kia.

They got back to find that Mina and Maggie were talking.

“… and so I say “You moron that’s rice balls not cookies…”” said Mina.

Smoochum ran over to Mina and Mina was happy though she knew
Smoochum was okay. Smoochum ran over and gave her a big hug.

”I’m so glad to see you Mina…” said Smoochum.

Mina froze, “Smoochum just talked!” she shouted.

“What are you talking about?” asked May.

“Smoochum talked… I swear!” said Mina.

“You’re imagining things…” said Max.

“You’re Mina right, may I talk to you” said Kia.

“Okay…” said Mina.

Kia, Mina and Smoochum went to somewhere close by that was private. Not too far from the camp of course.

“Mina, are you the Ice Angel?” said Kia.

“What are you talking about?” said Mina.

”It’s complicated you have heard about the legend of the Pokemon Angels right?” said Kia.

“Are you kidding, I’m obsessed with the legend!” said Mina.

“Well you know the part of them being reborn? Well you’re the reincarnation of Ice Angel you have the ability to transform in her…” said Kia.

“Really awesome!” said Mina.

Kia just laughed, “There’s something I want you to do with me…” said Kia.

“What?” asked Mina.

“I just want to travel with you, see I come from the Angel Shrine, the shrine dedicated to the Pokemon Angels. My grandfather, my parents and my sisters believe in it but I was the only one who didn't.” said Kia.

Mina was silent for a moment then she said "You’re a little like Kagome."

“What?” said Kia with a sweat drop.

“Kagome from Inu-Yasha, she never believed in legends until she found out for herself” said Mina.

“Okaay…” said Kia with an even bigger sweat drop.

“She’s really weirded out…” said Smoochum.

“Yeah… wait Smoochum is talking!” said Mina.

“I think it has to with your powers…” said Kia.

“What?” asked Mina.

“Only you can hear Smoochum but no one else can’t… until we meet Psychic Angel…” said Kia.

“Oh… cool!” said Mina.

“She’s… a little strange…” thought Kia.

Later the newly formed group of three said their goodbyes to Ash and his group.

“So Ash… your going to the Hoenn League right?” asked Mina.

“Yeah?” said Ash.

“Well I’ll you there!” said Mina with a wink.

“See ya Pikachu!” said Smoochum.

“Pikachu!” said Pikachu happily.

The two shook hands and they parted ways.

While Mina, Kia and Maggie were walking Maggie and Kia said “You know if she's going to traveling with us you are going to have to tell her”

“Weird... I guess I forgot to tell that the other knows” said Mina.

“Mina...” said Kia and Maggie with a sweat drop.

Meanwhile a woman on top of trees was on the phone with someone she was completely in shadows so you couldn't get a good look.

“Anne to base, the legend is true after all.”

Leon Phelps
29th July 2006, 7:01 PM
Very bored I am. Review I shall young padawan:

First I'll point out your mistakes, which you had quite a few of. If you read your story out loud, you'll catch most errors or mispellings.

Hundreds of years ago, when Tin Tower was burning in Ecruteak City, seventeen women who had wings watched sadly. They are the Pokemon Angels, protectors of all Pokemon.
-_- That was only the first sentence. Okay I'm tired now.

Each one represented a type of Pokemon such as fire, dark, grass, ice…etc.
"etc" makes you look lazy. List all of the types and capitolize the first letters of them. They're proper nouns.

Each one had robes that reached above her knee and had their own color that was their hair and wing color.
Again, read this OUT LOUD. That sentence looks like you put through an English to Dutch to German and back to English translator; Then a paper shredder... This is still the first paragraph! Take your time. There is no need to rush your fan fic.

“I can’t believe this is happened,”
In a lot of cases you're supposed to place a comma after dialouge sentences, which you haven't done once in the prolouge or chapter.

“We must be reborn as humans hundreds of years from now,” said Psychic Angel her color of purple, her robes were a beautiful shade of purple that differed form her hair color.
Nothing irritates me more than a run-on sentence. Sadly, the rest of the "prolouge" is just more poorly structured dialouge accompanied by lackluster description. I'm being nice when I say "lackluster".

Here's the first opffical chapter...

Chapter 1: The Legend is Real.

Mina Koki got up from sleeping, her waist long blonde hair was messy from sleep and she rubbed her sky blue eyes awake.

“Well Smoochum’s today’s the day!” she said.

“Smoochum smooch!” said Smoochum happily.
Okay, that's it. I already know where this is going. I can't pretend to be polite anymore. I've got to tell you what's exactly on my mind.

“Prepare for trouble”
“And make it double”
“To protect the world deviationWHAT!?”
“To unite all people within our nation”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”
“Team Rocket! Blast off at the speed of light!”
“Surrender now or prepare to fight!”
“Meowth! That's right”
“Team Rocket!” said Ash
When I read the prolouge... I thought that you were doing something original... I thought you just needed a little guidance... But you even sneak the damn motto in there... Using boring OOC anime characters shows that you have no originality and imagination... [insert Yami Ryu phrase here]

You've been over-quoted enough. Overall this made me feel like I sat through an episode of Pee-Wee's Playhouse with Ash and gang making a guest appearence. It's sad how you ignored your reviewers on your last attempt at writing. You have not improved, at all.

Advice thread. Go there. NOW.

Edit: Oh yeah. Just because you have an assload of dialouge and no structure to your story, doesn't mean that you can skimp out on description.

12th December 2006, 8:15 PM
Well,other from the grammar mistakes,I think this is quite good.Why don't you draw pitcures of the characters?

Emma Iveli
12th December 2006, 10:59 PM
O.o Jesus... I gave up on this a long tiem ago... I think there might a be rule on rvising dead fics... well anyways JB239874... since you liked it fanfiction.net has it farther than this... Here it is... (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3070997/1/)... if you wnat tyo read more... consdering this is consered the worst Pokemon Mary Sue of all time... no really... I heard...

Oh yes if I could draw I would draw the characters... but it's painful to draw due to disablites... and thanks for the cvompalemtns... and a word of advice... don't revive dead fics...

13th December 2006, 2:48 AM
Since this fic is dead, I'll close it.