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View Full Version : Shocking Wishes (Pokemon fic, PG-13 in case)



Mudkipchan
31st July 2006, 11:18 PM
Notes: I have finally, sorta improved on most of my writing skills. Hopefully this fic wil actually be made instead of discountiued unlike my other two. ay good luck to me if you wish.

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Chapter Links:
Chapter 1: Spearow VS Grunbull(on this page)
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Chapter 1: Spearow VS Grunbull(chapter name may change):

Dash! I rushed through the tree's, tall grasses and jumped over the rocks and stones. I looked behind me in utter fear, the Safari Zone in Kanto usually was very dangerous. I had once out run them all in the past, but this time I could be in grave danger. The Spearows cawed as they quickly chased me through all the safari area's.

I kept watching them behind my pack as I ran. Very soon, I dashed smack into a tree and froze as my paws gently held my painful face. The bird pokemon still few around my surrondings, cawing with laughter and anger. And all I hid was hide my face, but I had to escape them before they decided to scratch and peck at me. I raised my face up to the sky, there was no more time to run.

"DAMN YOU BIRDS OF PREY!" I shouted as my red cheecks flared up with electricy. "Pika....... CHUUUUUUUUU!" I was able to zap a couple, but there were still thousands. Their outrage grew when they saw a couple of their comrads fainting. Then they all charged at me.

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I gasped and frozed for a few seconds, before blasting them with more Thunder attacks. Many of them fainted again, but there was still alot more. One Spearow reached me and pecked and scratched in a rage and fury. The others flew down and joined their friend. I screamed as their bare claws and sharp pecks striked me, I had trouble trying to escape when they all gathered around me in a circle. I did try to shock them all, but they kept attacking before I had the chance. And this is when I learned the lesson, to never steal food from this bird group again, that is.. if I can survive.

I closed my eyes in defeat, I had no choice but to give up. Suddenly the attacking stopped, I heard the caws of the Spearows in pain and loud barking. Gently opening one eye, I saw it... a violet Granbull furiously punching and biting the birds. I watched in shock at the number of the strong Spearows fainting. 'He must be a strong pokemon..." I thought to myself. I hid behind some grass.

I didn't blink even once, I couldn't take my eyes off the fight. "Grahh." The newcomer grunted as the Spearows tried to fight back, it was hard to believe hat this Grunbull was having a bit of trouble. Soon, the Spearow leader and the biggest, few at the Grunbull cawing madly. And with one strike with his caw of it's foot, it striked Grunbull's left eye. "ARGH!!" Grunbull shouted in pain, he held his closed eyelight dripping with blood. It was still in it's socket, but Grunbull might lose his eye soon. I gasped, I had never in my life seen blood in most pokemon fights.

'Damn you....... to HELL!" Grunbull shouted as he clutched his paw into a fist, it glown in a bright light. Quick as a wink he slamed his right-hand Mega Punch into several of the Spearows, including the leader. More of them fainted, few were punched flying off, and the others flew away frightened.

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All was quiet, the battle had finally ended. Grunbull turned his head toward me, his right-hand still holding onto his eye. I grew afaird, what if he was in a fighting rampage? So I hid deeper in the bush. Grunbull instead smiled timidly. "Please don't be afaird my friend. I am a long time rival of the Spearows, they too had been stealing the food supply from my Safari Pack."

A safari pack is basically a heard of certain pokemon, they don't have to be grouped by type or species. And the recent problems in the safari zone, are the facts of less good for all the wild pokemon here. Wild Spearows were introduced and started to take more then their share.

He countiued, "I saw you were in trouble, and had to help." I smiled and came out of hiding, I was no longer scared. "Thank you so much, Grunbull." "Please, call me Ripper." he replied. "My pokemon trainer gave me that nickname until he abandonded me in the zone."

"He abandonded you?" I asked curiously. "I guess that's why you know the move mega punch." "Yes." Ripper replied. "And what might your name be?"

"Mine? I'm Dasher." I proudly replied. "I gave the name myself."

Pink Parka Girl
31st July 2006, 11:49 PM
Well, you need to work on apostrophes...


Dash! I rushed through the tree's, tall grasses and jumped over the rocks and stones. I looked behind me in utter fear, the Safari Zone in Kanto usually was very dangerous. I had once out run them all in the past, but this time I could be in grave danger. The Spearows cawed as they quickly chased me through all the safari area's.

The apostrophe in "trees" and "areas" don't need to be there. Apostrophes should be used in only three cases - to form possessives of nouns (as in "the boy's hat"), to show the omission of letters (such as in "they're," where the apostrophe takes the place of the "a" in "are"), and to indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters (as in the phrase "mind your p's and q's").

The story itself seems somewhat unbelieveable and lacking. Your pokemon are too anthropomorphized - they don't feel like animals, they feel like humans in fur and feathers. That's not a good thing to do in pokemon POV fics. The idea of a cross-species pokemon pack makes no sense in natural terms - a pikachu and a granbull don't have the same diet, for example, or the same methods of hunting for food, or the same behavioral habits. Also, I've never known a dog to tolerate rodents. My schnauzer kills mice, and my Great Dane chases squirrels. It's instinct. Why would a granbull want to be buddy-buddy with something it could eat? Carnivores are not going to want to "be friends" with animals low on the food chain.

Spearow are not birds of prey - unless you're a bug. They live in flocks for protection, and besides, a pikachu is slightly larger than a spearow, and spearow are weak to electricity. Why are they angry at the pikachu in the first place, anyway? (And a flock of thousands only makes sense if they were migrating).

But my biggest problem is with the idea a wild pikachu would have never seen blood before. It's a wild animal. Surely it's hunted a few baby bird pokemon in its lifetime (as squirrels are not vegetarians), or at least seen probably a pichu sibling or two getting eaten. Nature is cruel, and finding blood something to get faint over is applying too much humanity to a nonhuman creature.

However, a fic set in the Safari Zone is a cool idea, but it needs a lot of work to get it ship shape :)

Mudkipchan
1st August 2006, 12:09 AM
Most of the words you used I hardly understood.

If you meant that the pokemon are too human-like, then you most likely never seen a fanfic where pokemon talk to eachother.

But I'll delete this soon.

Edit: Then why did Snubbul didn't chase Pikachu in the pokemon show in Jhoto episode?