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cooler3o5
3rd August 2006, 1:49 AM
Well I am making a fanfic in a new region call klonkland.It has new pokemon and an evil team named team Maqua an evil organisation that has fire and water pokemon.
Here is the first chapter.

Chapter1:Klonkland The Beggining.
Wakey wakey,Misty Ketchum called to her son Max.
I'm coming mom ...let me get dressed first,Max said as he put on some cloths and went downstairs.
Son prof.Redwood left me a fax saying that you can start your journey here in Klonkland isnt that great,he said in a very enthousiatic way.
Sure is dad I cant wait to get it when should I get going,he told his father and mother.
Well right now but first here have this its an egg I found in the garden today,she said as she gave Max a red,orange, and yellow egg.
Well thanks I guess this is good bye,he said as he put the egg in his backpack and headed out ot the lab.
Sometime later Max reached Prof.Redwoods lab.
Whos there,prof.Redwood asked?
It's me Max I am here for my starter pokemon,Max replied.
Oh yes Max I have been waiting for you for sometime now...your a little late though the only pokemon left is a Watini would like to keep her,prof Redwood said as he wnt to Max and handed him a blue and white ball.
Sure I would love to have her all my life I have wanted a watini.
Well ok here you go young man,he said as he gave Max the blue and white ball.
Thanks well I will be leaving now,he said as he headed for the door.
Wait you still need your t.c.,pokedexv.5, and 5 pokeballs,he said as he took a picture of Max.
What in the world is a t.c.,Max asked confused.
A t.c. is a trainer card it keeps all your data on it,he said as he went to a nearby computer and put in a blank t.c then as soon as it went in it came out prof.Red wood then put the t.c. into the cammera and soon took it out.
Here you go,prof.Redwood said as gave Max his newly finished t.c,pokedex and five pokeballs.
Thank you very much,Max replied.
Suddenly a boy walked down the labs stairs.
I am ready uncle whos this kid,he asked in a rude way.
I am Max,Max replied.
Just got your pokemon huh how about a battle to see whos better,the boy asked.
Sure come on out Watini,Max said as he threw his blue and white ball into the air and out came a watini.
Come on out vird,the boy said as he threw a green and white ball into the air.Out came vird.
Hey you two take it outside,Prof.Redwood said.




Well hope you liked it.

Jonouchi
3rd August 2006, 1:53 AM
Either your Quote button is broken, or you're lazy to add quotes....

There's absolutely no description in this.

I suggest reading the Rules AND the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread before making another chapter/fic

katiekitten
3rd August 2006, 2:34 AM
XD Klonkland... Best laugh I've had all day. Remember, young padawan, spaces are your friends. As are commas, speech marks and spell checkers. XD


I'm coming mom ...let me get dressed first,Max said as he put on some cloths and went downstairs.

O.o I just had the most awful image of a boy wandering around in a loin cloth... XD


t.c. is a trainer card it keeps all your data on it,

;_; Every single time you include chatspeak in a story, a penguin dies. Please think of the penguins, and don't abreviate words.

Jonouchi covered description...

To ellaborate, you have a space after a comma/full stop. See? I just did one for you. =D And again! XD

...You don't need to start a new paragraph after each line. See? Watch me go... Weee... See? Loads of different sentences, all in a paragraph! Wow! =D


Sure I would love to have her all my life I have wanted a watini.

Yay! A... Watini? O.o Is that a trapinch wearing a thong? (Sorry Nylf, couldn't resist...) A Wailord wearing a bikini? TELL us what it is like. Pwease. Pretty pwease. With a bright red cherry on top. In other words, d e s c r i p t i o n. =D

Also, try saying that sentence outloud. All in one go, exactly how you wrote it. You want to pause, don't you? That is what c o m m a s are for. At the moment, your sentence reads:

Sure I would love to have her all my life, I have wanted a watini.

O.o

I'm sure you see what I mean. XD You want to pause the sentence where it feels natural. To help you, say what you want to type outloud. Put a comma where you pause naturally. I'm sure you don't speak in a rush like this all of the time. XD

On speech marks...

"You see those ear things on either side of this paragraph? They are called speech marks. No, you can't eat them. They are there to let your poor readers know when someone is talking," Katiekitten said.

You see? =D

It is also good to start a new line when someone different from the original speaker is speaking. I know, it's confusing. I'll show you instead:

I got up in the morning. I yawned, I stretched. I heard my mom downstairs making breakfast. My stomach rumbled. "Mom!" I yelled, struggling to free myself from my uncomfortably warm bedsheets. "Is breakfast nearly ready?"

"Sure is!' She called cheerily up, the clattering of pans not even abating a little. "Just ten more minutes!"

You see? =D

Wells, that's all for now. Please choose a different name, make it a page long, and read the stickies. (No, not the Christmas awards. Every sticky BUT that one. It's special. :3 XD) Thankies! =D

cooler3o5
3rd August 2006, 4:56 AM
Well hopefully the second one will be longer and better.