View Full Version : Pokemon Netuel

3rd August 2006, 8:46 AM
Chapter 1- First Rival, First Friend.

Starlight Town

This town is home to Professor Moon also the town where most great trainers began their journey but.... I dont want to be the best, I just want to help people. I want to stop Team Inverse and free the people of the towns that have been taken over and with Marquain and my friends I know I will fulfill my dream someday...

In Starlight Town I stood staring at the lab I was just so excited I could not wait to get Marquain. I walked inside the lab which stood on a hill. When I walked inside I Prof Moon over by a machine which held three pokeballs.

'Hello Professor!' I yelled.

'Why hello young trainer!' she replied.'I'm guessing your here for a pokemon right?' she asked.

'Yes! I want a Marquain.' I said.

'Alright come here.' she said and I came to the machine. She picked up a pokeball whcich had a water droplet on it.

'! Thanks Professor! I'll be sure to take good care of it!' I happily said.

'Yes and here is your pokedex and five pokeballs.' she replied.

I took the two items from her and went out the door. I was walking straight forward looking at Marquain's pokeball and then I bumped into the person I hate the most and fell flat on my butt. It was Joseph, a boy who used to bully me when I was eight, I havent seen him in six years.

'Oh well if it isnt Brittany!' he said put out a hanf to help me up.

'What are you doing here! >:( 'I said.

'Oh I just came from Larnet, to get Fermish which I already have.' he replied.

I thought:'(Thats right I didnt even notice that one of the balls were missing.)

'Well with that i'm off. Oh! And maybe sometime we could have a battle.' he said with a smirk.

'Yeah (sometime)' I said and he walked away. I wondered what adventures awaited me.

P.S. () means someone is thinking. and this is not the full chapter later i will edit it. time here is-2:43 a.m..

Yami Ryu
3rd August 2006, 8:59 AM
There is a little thing called RULES and ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS. I take it you have read niether. For you would know that writing up a story in the reply box- and worst of all only posting part, is against the rules.

So I am going to take this as your full chapter while I review it :3

Flat, descriptionless, emotionless... I feel you wrote in first person to futher get away without explaining anything. Also, thoughts are usually defined by '' like so: 'lalala thouuughts'. Cause (){}[] usually signifies added information, and not character thoughts. But atleast you didn't use them for author notes- though you don't get a brownie point for that.

Overall this is rushed, flat and tacky. I suggest you put more effort into writing. And read the Rules and Advice thread. They aren't there to collect dust or look pretty ffs.

Edit: Ooh a random emoticon in your story.

22nd August 2006, 3:27 PM
Try to come up with something better than that.