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TIMO
8th August 2006, 12:30 AM
The Legend of Serebii


Pg to pg-13… For mild language, romance, and some strange parts…





Prologue

“Long ago when the universe was first crafted there were two masters… One was Parakeru of space, and the other Diagura of time. Together they created Groudon of the earth and Kyorge of the sea.” Artist’s depictions of the two behemoths covered the screen. “But then the creatures of the earth turned to evil. And Diagura grew worried. But it was soon too late to do anything to stop the evil” The screen suddenly showed a painting of Diagura overlooking the earth.
“But Diagura was the ruler of time, and though he could not himself step onto the earth and stem the evil at its beginnings he could allow another. So he created Serebii the wanderer of ages.” The screen turned to an image of a stain glass window that depicted Serebii “but Serebii was too weak to do it by himself. So Diagura chose a young human boy from the land of Orre
and together he and Serebii purged the world of darkness” The voice in the background finished.

Michale smiled as the credits rolled. I love Pokemon, there are so many mysteries surrounding them that sometimes I wish I could be a part of one. And as the young boy thought this he fell asleep.

HB5squared
8th August 2006, 1:32 AM
Well I can tell that you are really interested in this story, which is why I'm guessing you typed it in the reply box instead of MS word or notepad. I can also tell that you were excited to do it because it is rushed and barely a prolouge.

1. Try breaking your thoughts up into paragraphs instead of clumping them all together.

2.expand on some of your ideas... How do all the characters look like for example.

OVerall this is very poorly done. But at the same time I can tell that you like to write it. So I suggest reading the "Advice for aspiring authors" thread, which is stickied so you can easily find it. And the rules, which are also stickied.

Just try a little harder and read some five star fics, you'll get better.

HarleyScarow
8th August 2006, 1:46 AM
Actually, it wasn't in the reply box because the quotes were “like this” instead of "like this".

TIMO
8th August 2006, 1:52 AM
Well I can tell that you are really interested in this story, which is why I'm guessing you typed it in the reply box instead of MS word or notepad. I can also tell that you were excited to do it because it is rushed and barely a prolouge.

1. Try breaking your thoughts up into paragraphs instead of clumping them all together.

2.expand on some of your ideas... How do all the characters look like for example.

OVerall this is very poorly done. But at the same time I can tell that you like to write it. So I suggest reading the "Advice for aspiring authors" thread, which is stickied so you can easily find it. And the rules, which are also stickied.

Just try a little harder and read some five star fics, you'll get better.


actually i typed it on word and then copy and pasted it into the reply box... And im doing the character looks in the first chapter...

chrisivy
8th August 2006, 2:17 AM
Why is it so short?
I began like this too... I was bad at writing. Maybe you should read the rules...?

HB5squared
8th August 2006, 2:21 AM
Oh God, that wasn't my point...

It's rushed and choppy, take your time!

If you're gonna say a picture of Diaguru pops up on the screen explain it, how does he look, is the painting old or new looking and WHAT Screen?

How come there is only one short block of a paragraph? Did you read the rules and the stikied thread? did you read any 5-star fics? Because before I gave you the pity stars this was only a one star fic. You could respond better to the criticism that what you had. Perhaps explain why it's so choppy... Honestly I might sound rude but consider yourself lucky that you just got me instead of someone else


Actually, it wasn't in the reply box because the quotes were “like this” instead of "like this".

And please say what you have to say on the story. Don't talk to me talk to TIMO

TIMO
8th August 2006, 5:03 PM
Why is it so short?
I began like this too... I was bad at writing. Maybe you should read the rules...?

i did...

recommended 3 word pages for each chapter... if somebody spams in your fic dont tell them just report them... dont plagurise, just to name a few....

by the way... i didnt describe diagura because he wasnt the focus of the prolouge it was the history of serebii... and i wanted to keep it short...

chrisivy
8th August 2006, 5:10 PM
Good. Now just make it longer. And write the way you want to.... this is pretty nice...

TIMO
8th August 2006, 5:23 PM
Good. Now just make it longer. And write the way you want to.... this is pretty nice...

okay dokey im starting now...

TIMO
9th August 2006, 11:43 PM
The legend of Serebii, Chapter 1 – “What the Hell!?”

Michale skated down the road sipping a lime flavored Pepsi; he grinned as a drop dripped from his mouth and struck his blue Star wars t-shirt. There was construction ahead and Michale really probably should have slowed down, but of course he was acting to cocky to do anything of the sort.

The young boy let out a whoop of triumph as he flew off the ramp the ditch the men were working on had made. As he hit the ground beyond the ditch he turned to face the ditch bringing his hand up into an L shape by his forehead and laughed joyfully.

Today was the day Professor Bonsai would make him his assistant! Not that he was particularly interested in becoming a Pokemon researcher, but it would certainly give him a chance to work with Pokemon. Now of course he hadn’t turned around quite yet because he was in the midst of his daydream, not to mention how he knew how straight the road was until he came to the bridge, but still you never know what can be happening on the road.

So it was that Michale tripped, the fall sent his denim shorts and legs into the air and when he landed the thing that tripped him was between his legs. It wasn’t a rock but an egg, an egg the size of a newborn baby, “What the Hell!?” he said as he picked up the egg and blinked as he saw how vibrantly green the egg was...

“So you say you found this egg in the middle of the road?” Professor Bonsai said as Michale told him what had happened. “Well I’ve never seen anything like this egg…I’d like to do some testing” But, of course, He never had the chance because be it fate, or destiny or even coincidence several things happened in a curious order.

“BOOM!” they heard from somewhere outside the lab, it sounded like dynamite or a cannon or something. The next thing they heard was the Putt-putt-putt of a machine gun. Accompanied by the agonized screams of the professors Aides. “What the hell!?” said Michale the second time in one day.

The last and final thing that happened in this chain was the fact the egg hatched. Not in the normal way where the creature inside pecks its way out and turns the egg to tiny pieces, rather the egg just popped open and the newborn inside simply seemed wear the green egg like a hat, But that’s not what caused the gasps of astonishment from Michale and the professor.

On the table where the egg had been was Serebii, The wanderer of time

And somewhere in the distant corners of Michale’s mind beyond the pain, the fighting, and the astonishment a small faint voice said “Be careful what you wish for.”

HarleyScarow
10th August 2006, 2:26 AM
1. Needs to be more than one page.
2. Blocky text makes it hard to read.
3. Expand on some ideas, alright?

Here's a rewrite.








The Legend of Serebii, Chapter 1 – “What the Hell!?”

Michale skated down the road sipping a lime flavored Pepsi; he grinned as a drop dripped from his mouth and struck his blue Star wars t-shirt. There was construction ahead and Michale really probably should have slowed down, but of course he was acting to cocky to do anything of the sort.

The young boy let out a whoop of triumph as he flew off the ramp the ditch the men were working on had made. As he hit the ground beyond the ditch he turned to face the ditch bringing his hand up into an L shape by his forehead and laughed joyfully.

Today was the day Professor Bonsai would make him his assistant! Not that he was particularly interested in becoming a Pokemon researcher, but it would certainly give him a chance to work with Pokemon. Now of course he hadn’t turned around quite yet because he was in the midst of his daydream, not to mention how he knew how straight the road was until he came to the bridge, but still you never know what can be happening on the road.

So it was that Michale tripped, the fall sent his denim shorts and legs into the air and when he landed the thing that tripped him was between his legs. It wasn’t a rock but an egg, an egg the size of a newborn baby, “What the Hell!?” he said as he picked up the egg and blinked as he saw how vibrantly green the egg was...

“So you say you found this egg in the middle of the road?” Professor Bonsai said as Michale told him what had happened. “Well I’ve never seen anything like this egg…I’d like to do some testing” But, of course, He never had the chance because be it fate, or destiny or even coincidence several things happened in a curious order.

“BOOM!” they heard from somewhere outside the lab, it sounded like dynamite or a cannon or something. The next thing they heard was the Putt-putt-putt of a machine gun. Accompanied by the agonized screams of the professors Aides. “What the hell!?” said Michale the second time in one day.

The last and final thing that happened in this chain was the fact the egg hatched. Not in the normal way where the creature inside pecks its way out and turns the egg to tiny pieces, rather the egg just popped open and the newborn inside simply seemed wear the green egg like a hat, But that’s not what caused the gasps of astonishment from Michale and the professor.

On the table where the egg had been was Serebii, The wanderer of time

And somewhere in the distant corners of Michale’s mind beyond the pain, the fighting, and the astonishment a small faint voice said “Be careful what you wish for.”

TIMO
10th August 2006, 2:59 AM
okay i spaced it out more... although i cant promise anything length wise or elaboritive wise it goes against my writing motto "Write what needs to be wrote without a fine tooth comb... " (first person to guess what it means gets there serebii user name used in a certain chapter...i need a pokemon realistic sounding one like someone would actually use it... so where better to get one?)

Yami Ryu
10th August 2006, 3:07 AM
okay i spaced it out more... although i cant promise anything length wise or elaboritive wise it goes against my writing motto "Write what needs to be wrote without a fine tooth comb... "

OH I KNOW SO YOU CAN BE A LAZY *** :D

Seriously now wtf, your chapter is barely longer than your prologue. It's sketchy at best- you under described details while over describing needless facts. I mean really did we need to know HE DROOLED ON HIS OWN STAR WARS TSHIRT.

insaaaanity spreads...

I take it you haven't really read the rules, or the Advice Thread. Really. Lazy :/

This bare skelenton, half assed chapter has nothing going for it really as it's rushed, tacky and well, you pop about like a sugar high kid that I fear what you'll do for chapter two- and I am really doubting you wrote this up in a word program :/ go to the Rules and Advice, and read them. Then when you can do more than barely grasp at the basics of writing, come back with the second chapter.

HB5squared
10th August 2006, 3:11 AM
I can't believe I'm agreeing with Renegade but I concur

You are totally ignoring the rules and advice for aspiring authors threads and ignoring our advice as well... would it kill you to read through those stickies?

shadowlight
10th August 2006, 3:28 AM
Shadowlight: *twitch*

;218; : It's alright Shadowlight. You're eyes only hurt because TIMO grossly mishandled the rules. Shadowlight, You'll feel better if you read a good Fan Fiction.

Shadowlight: *Twitch* Okay Slugma, I will. *Goes off to read Pokemon Revalation: Cross of Fates.*

;218; : Atleast make it longer TIMO

TIMO
10th August 2006, 8:03 PM
1.erm no it doesnt mean that i can be lazy...
2. technically he didnt drool on his t-shirt.... it was soda not saliva...
3. actually it is longer... you shoulda seen it when i first put put it up... it was barely a 9th of what i have now... it was deleted...
4. im not ignoring your advice but they conflict with the way i write... And since i suck at writing any other way (using other styles is like writing with my left hand...)
5. And yes you do need to know he dribbled on his shirt... it shows how elated he was...

Leon Phelps
10th August 2006, 8:44 PM
Shadowlight, that was just mean.

2. technically he didnt drool on his t-shirt.... it was soda not saliva...
No one cares. Pointless info. What you need to do is expand on the detail and describe with words most people call adjectives. If you say you suck at writing that's what the advice thread is for. Try reading it.

it sounded like dynamite or a cannon or something.
Now I know why you chose that chapter title. This sentence just told me that you don't know what you're talking about.

Take your reviewers advice and try harder next time please. Maybe read your story for yourself.

Yami Ryu
10th August 2006, 8:50 PM
1.erm no it doesnt mean that i can be lazy...

But you were


2. technically he didnt drool on his t-shirt.... it was soda not saliva...

As Leon said, pointless information :/


3. actually it is longer... you shoulda seen it when i first put put it up... it was barely a 9th of what i have now... it was deleted...

Reeeeaaaally now. Does this mean that gasp, you were breaking a rule of NOT REPLYING IN THE REPLY BOX! >.>

*Thawps TIMO with a newspaper*


4. im not ignoring your advice but they conflict with the way i write... And since i suck at writing any other way (using other styles is like writing with my left hand...)

Well if you suck and you don't want to get better, you're going to get an F in english and no readers really. Would you tell your boss or something 'oh since your way meshes with mine and since I suck anyways, then how about I stay sucky?'

Never said for you to emulate anothers' writing ability. And that's a weak excuse to NOT get better.

btw I can write with my left hand~


5. And yes you do need to know he dribbled on his shirt... it shows how elated he was...

Could also take it he was vacant minded and etc for drooling on oneself. And anyways drops from soda can happen even when you aren't elated. You could have shown how elated he was with EMOTION- not spittle or soda.

:/

Lord wackruntlje
10th August 2006, 9:01 PM
Good character Michale is. "What the hell?" "What the hell?". Needs a lot more dialoge to learn who he is, a cocky kid who likes pokemon and advertise Pepsi doesn't say much. What was he riding, a dragon or a skateboard? The small details are the things that makes the whole impression. And it was a construction site, well I have never been to a constrution site, tell us how it looks. After he had found the egg, did he use magic to get to the lab in one second? Add more space and/or ***-things to show that now it has been some time that won't need so much description.

Sorry if I sound rude, but you really need to work on this.

henzy
10th August 2006, 9:10 PM
Errr.... wow, this is... I can't even explain how pointless I find this whole mess.
Some advice: Make it much longer, add more detail, but not too much, don't take 3 pages explaining about a tree or something.
Thats about all I can give without being a mean ***.
Just please try better and use these helpful criticisms these people are giving you and maybe next time they won't be so harsh with you.

TIMO
10th August 2006, 11:49 PM
sorry if i sounded stubborn... anyway i think i might start again...

Although there is one thing i have to ask... how does the story look? i mean the actual story...