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Chaotic Rukario
9th August 2006, 3:57 PM
Hi this is like my 3rd or 4th atempt at a Pokemon fanfic and i'm hoping to continue this one, throughout my story if there is a little number next to a word then check at the top of the post to see an explanation of it, in the Prologue there's a couple of notes to be seen and here they are,

Pika-Chu: The most popular clothes brand in the Kanto region, with competing clothes lines in 3 other regions.

Ab-Sol: The competing clothes line in Hoenn

Pokč-Mail: E-mail in the Pokčmon world, it's a feature of the Pokčgear (Johto region)

Finally here it is, the Prologue of "Another Beginning: Kanto" (i may change the title but not sure yet...) I look forward to your feedback and if there's place for improvement please let me know, also Chapter 1 will be up as soon as possible but i'm in my final year of high school so that may get in the way sometimes.

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Prologue: A New Beginning, Zapdos Attacks!!

It was a beautiful Thursday morning and the sun had risen hours ago. There lying in bed sleeping so soundly was a young buy named Seth. He had just turned eleven and was about to start on his Pokčmon journey, but little did he know what was going to happen to him.

“Seth wake up, come on,” said a woman in her early thirties. She had long and wavy brown hair that swayed with every movement and the most beautiful, sparkling, emerald green eyes. Her looks gave her that of an attractive, single mother type who was kind to everyone she met. She was wearing a light yellow top with the word ‘Pika-Chu’ stitched across the bottom right and Blue jeans also with Pika-Chu stitched on the left hip going across to the backside.

She pulled the blankets off to reveal the young eleven year. He was lying there with checkered black and blue boxers and a plain white t-shirt with a faded red and white Pokčball printed on it. He had shiny, silver hair that was spiked up that gave him that mischievous attitude look. His eyes were the same beautiful, sparkling, emerald green eyes that his mother had.

“Come on get up,” said a soft, lovely voice as if it could be carried with the wind. She threw the blanket on the ground and sat on the bed next to him.

“Five more minutes mum,” he replied yawning loudly with his eyes closing again.

“No!” she snapped, “Professor Oak just rang and said that he and the other trainers have been waiting at the lab for over half an hour for you.”

Seth jolted up in a second, grabbed his light blue jeans and struggled to put them on while hopping to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom he grabbed his deodorant and sprayed it all over him. He then raced out of the bathroom, down the stairs and out the front door. He was racing down the streets of Pallet Town at his top speed. As he passed the buildings in the corner of his eyes he could only see small details of the house like what colors it had and how many windows there were. He finally reached a big, two storey lab with a giant Pokčball on top. It had many windows, some tinted, some not, and had huge sliding doors as the entrance. If a person looked to the side they would be able to see giant fields that were filled with Professor Oak’s and other trainers Pokčmon. There were all kinds of species from Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and Shino, but they will be seen in due time. Seth went up the stairs and to the front where he entered the building, the doors sliding open opposite each other. Once Seth entered and walked in a few steps he was greeted by one of Professor Oak’s aides from behind.

“How may I help you today young man?” he asked, surprising Seth from behind and making him jump.

“Oh!” Seth sighed with relief, “I’m here to get a Pokčmon from the professor.

“Ah, you must be Seth; the Professor’s been waiting for quite a while now. Come right this way now,” he snapped and walked towards another set of stairs within the building.

He led Seth into a room upstairs that was full of books and computers. Some of the books had titles such as, ‘The Beginner’s Guide to Pokčmon Training’, or ‘Advance Pokčmon Breeding Methods’ or ‘The EV mystery’. Some of the computers had documents or Pokčdex entries on Pokčmon. At the north side of the second storey there were four other people standing. There was, from left to right of Seth, two girls the same age as Seth, Professor Oak, and a boy the same age as Seth.

The two girls, Rachel and Caitlyn, were completely unidentical for twins. The first one, Rachel, had long, straight, dark pink hair that would wave side to side when she walked with deep, dark purple eyes that stared at you. Her looks gave off the impression of a girl who’s locked herself off from the rest of the world and never smiled. The other girl, Caitlyn, had short, curly violet colored hair that bounced when she moved. Her eyes were a bright shining, pink sapphire color that looks like they’re full of joy. She had the impression of the cute little girl who smiled all the time like she was right now. The pink-haired one was wearing a deep blue, sleeveless top with a silver and black star printed in the middle. The other was wearing a bright pink t-shirt with dark green spirals on the front and back of it. They both had black Pika-Chu jeans with a white outline of the little Pokčmon’s head, showing off its long, pointy ears and cute little eyes and cheeks with its dots on them, stitched onto the right hip. Finally they had shoes corresponding with their hair color that were zip up with two black, belt like straps making an X across them.

The boy, Damo, was wearing a black, collared top, with three blue rings going around the stomach region of the shirt and a yellow lightning bolt going almost from top to bottom on the front. He had baggy blue jeans that dragged along the floor and covered up his shoes except the tip, which was red. He had a black wristband on his upper left arm and a black cap with the word ‘Ab-Sol’ stitched on it, facing in a north-eastern direction from his point of view. His deep, blue-black hair was hanging out from the sides of the hat and he had deep blue eyes similar to Rachel’s.

Finally, standing in between the two girls and boy, was one of the most famous people in the world, Professor Oak. He had aging gray hair that lent to his right and dark, serious gray eyes to match. His face had wrinkles under his eyes and forehead which added to his old man look. He was wearing a white lab coat with pens hanging from his chest pocket and the top of a little book visible in his right side pocket. His pants, the parts that were visible, were a simple, plain black and his shoes were shiny, clean black shoes that looked new.

“You’re finally here,” Damo said rudely while crossing his arms and look down with a smirk on his face.

“Leave him alone,” Caitlyn yelled at Damo, still in a high-pitched, excited voice.

“Enough,” snapped Oak. “Seth you’re late and we have no time to waste. You four are about to start on a journey like millions of other people have before you. This journey may lead you to become a Pokčmon trainer, a Pokčmon breeder or whatever comes to your mind. The Pokčmon you receive here should become one of your best friends and loyal companions and you should treat it properly with respect. You must not abuse or use the Pokčmon’s power for the wrong thing as there may be consequences after. Now I have five Pokčmon for you to choose from, the Pokčmon’s Pokčdex number and name are labeled in front of the Pokčball, choose wisely because the difference between the Pokčmon you choose can also be the difference in your destinies as young men and women. Now choose.”

The Pokčmon, in order, were: Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, Pikachu, and Cubone.

Rachel, Caitlyn and Damo each grabbed a Pokčball after one another and stood back as Seth went to choose.

“This one will do for me then” said Seth taking the Squirtle. Seth held the Pokčball in his hand and stared at it for a few seconds in pure happiness. “This is it, I’m finally gonna be able to make a name for myself.”

”Now that you have your Pokčmon, it is time for you to receive a Pokčdex,” said Oak. “These devices will allow you to take in the information of Pokčmon all around the world, from every corner of this planet. You may find common ones, you may find rare ones, but regardless these little devices will have all the information on them you need.”

Each of them picked up a Pokčdex and pocketed it.

“Now go and make your wildest Pokčmon dreams come true,” Oak said enthusiastically as he threw his right arm out in the direction of the rest of Kanto. “When you get downstairs some of my aides will have a few items for you.”

The four of them went down the stairs, Damo leading followed by Caitlyn, Rachel and lastly Seth. When they got downstairs there were four of Oak’s aides holding a plastic bag each. They explained to each of the trainers that the bag contained two Pokčballs, one premier ball, one potion, and a Pokčgear from the Johto region. The Pokčgear featured a town map, a clock and alarm, a mobile phone feature and finally a Pokč-Mail feature.

“Good luck to you all,” said Professor Oak as he also came down the stairs.

“Thanks professor,” Seth said turning around to wave to him. The others had already left the building.

Once outside everyone headed towards their homes.

“Catcha later guys,” Seth said to them all.

“Whatever,” Damo said still walking to his house.

“Bye my little boy Seth,” said Caitlyn as she ran up to him and gave him a big hug. She was a few inches taller than him, same with Damo and Rachel. In town Seth was known as the smallest eleven year old, but he didn’t care.

“Bye Caitlyn, I hope I see you around Kanto,” Seth said hugging her back. “I’ll miss you and Rachel, after all we’ve known each other since we were four.

“I know, I’ll miss you too,” she said tears forming in her eyes.

“Catcha later Rachel,” Seth said to her, now standing right next to her sister.

“See ya later little man,” she said rubbing her hand into his head.

“We’ll be off now,” Caitlyn said and they started to heading in the direction of their house to say their last good byes to family.

Seth started running excited about having his first Pokčmon at last. But he was so excited that he managed to get lost and ended up in the old, deserted corner of Pallet Town. There in the shadows Seth could barely seee but hear two men talking.

“Did they say if it was in this area,” he heard one of them ask in a low tone voice.

“Yeah they said it’ll be coming over Pallet Mountain any minute now,” the other one replied in a softer voice.

“ZAAAP!!” screeched out a being from the sky.

“It’s here!” yelled the first man.

Seth looked up and saw lightning flashing everywhere. Within the lightning he could see a silhouette of what appeared to be a bird with a sharp beak and sharp wings, but it was very hard to make out still.

“ZAAAAP!!” it screeched again firing electricity all over the place. Then all of a sudden Seth got his by one of the biggest bolts he saw the bird give out.


“AHHHH..!” he screamed out as a huge amount of electricity was surging through every inch of his body. Seth fell to the ground back first. When he landed there was a thud but it couldn’t be heard over the screeching and electricity of the mysterious bird. Seth lied there, unconscious, as there was electricity flying everywhere and wind blowing everywhere…

- - - - - - - Five Years Later - - - - - - -

“Where am I..?”

JasperX
9th August 2006, 5:16 PM
It was good but I dont understand them getting all the items they did:
One premier ball, two full heals, TM case containing random TM, and berry pouch. A professor wouldn't give a trainer those things mostly because the trainers should find those things on their own, rather than spoon-feeding beginning trainers.

http://blogs.ipswitch.com/archives/spoon%20feeding.jpg

Chaotic Rukario
9th August 2006, 5:33 PM
It was good but I dont understand them getting all the items they did: A professor wouldn't give atrainer those things mostly because the trainers should find those thingson their own, rather than spoon-feeding beginning trainers.

http://blogs.ipswitch.com/archives/spoon%20feeding.jpg

either way you dont know what happens with those items within the 5 year gap, just wait to read the real story unfold, and thanks for the comment...

JasperX
9th August 2006, 6:58 PM
OK I'll wait to read the rest.

Chaotic Rukario
10th August 2006, 9:08 AM
ok... i've seen that there are about 97 views and only one person has put in some feedback, so if anyone out there has some good or bad feedback please tell me... it would be especially greatful if it was help to edit the prologue so it can be better, anyways thanks for reading people

sceptilianmaster
10th August 2006, 11:05 AM
“Is it in this area,” he said into it.
Is this a question? Then put question marks.


“Zaaap.”
For a better effect of the cry, try caps.


Overall not bad... okay description... it's fine.

Chaotic Rukario
11th August 2006, 6:00 PM
Here it is, chapter 1, probably not the best and i may improve it later on but i hope you people who read it enjoy it, although it is a bit of a boring chapter...


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Chapter 1: Seth Awakens, The Pallet Trio Appear!!

"Where am I," Seth thought to himself as he opened his eyes. Lying in a bed was Seth, now with shoulder length hair, still the color of silver. His eyes bloodshot with a more dimmer tone to the once beautiful emerald green eyes he had as an eleven year old. The past five years that he spent asleep have had a negative effect on them.

"Doctor, doctor, he's awake," rang a woman's voice to Seth's right.

A man with short, green hair and square-framed glasses walked into the room. He had a white coat on which held a red and blue pen in his chest pocket and navy blue pants. He had a clipboard under his left arm and placed it on a table at the base of the bed. He went over to where Seth was lying and pulled out a torch. He widened Seth's eye with his finger and shined the torch into it and then repeated with the other eye. He then raised three fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked.

"Three," Seth replied with a croaky voice.

"How old are you?"

"Eleven."

"Okay, what's your first name?"

"Seth."

"Good, good, where do you live?"

"Pallet Town."

"Who with and what is or are their names?"

"I live with my mum and sister, my mum's name is Nancy and my sister's name is Becka."

"And how old are they?

"My mum's thirty-three and Becka's seven."

"Finally, what year is it?"

"Two-thousand-and-one."

"Okay, Seth my name is Doctor Satsu and I have some news that may make you feel uncomfortable. Are you ready to hear it?" he asked calmly.

"I guess," Seth croaked out.

"You've been in a coma for five years and you've just finally woken up. Do you want me to continue?"

Seth just sat there with a blank expression on his face, while slowly letting the information absorb into his mind.

"Do you wish for me to continue Seth?" he asked again.

"Yes," Seth said now with a more clearer, and much deeper to his eleven year old, voice, also still in shock.

"You are now sixteen years old, your sister is twelve and your mother is thirty-eight," he said in a very professional voice. "They are currently in Pallet Town and a message will be sent to them by my assisting nurse here. Her name is Nurse Karin"

Seth looked over to see a woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties. She was at Doctor Satsu's shoulders in height and had a thin frame. She had curly black hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a white nursing dress that reached just past her knees.

"Karin, please go contact Seth's mother and sister that he is awake and to get here immediatly?" he asked her kindly.

"Yes doctor," she said in a soft, innocent voice, and with that she left the room.

"Now where was I... Ah yes, we are currently located in Viridian City, at the hospital to be more precise. After your loved ones have recieved the message they should hopefully be here within the next two to three hours depending on how Route 1 is at the moment. It is currently three in the afternoon."

"Doctor, what exactly put me into the coma?" Seth asked now sitting up a little.

"No one knows but you," he replied. "One interesting thing though is when you were brought into the hospital your heart stopped for a few minutes. We were trying desperately to keep you alive by zapping you but your body was refusing it for some odd reason. We finally got it beating again after I physically pushed down on your chest a few times. You were one very lucky boy I must say. Can you remember anything at the moment?"

"No, the last thing I remember was recieving Squirtle with my friends Damo, Rachel and Caitlyn," Seth replied.

"Okay, don't worry about it at the moment," he said softly while heading tworads the door. "Now get some rest until your mother and the others get here."

"Okay doctor thanks," Seth said as the doctor closed the door. Seth slowly closed his eyes and fell asleep.


<><><><><><>< Three Hours Later><><><><><><>

"Seth, wake up my sweet little boy," said a familiar female voice.

Seth opened his eyes to see his mother standing over him with tears in her emerald green eyes. She was wearing a dim pink Pika-Chu top and had emerald studs in her ears.

"You're finally awake," she whispered out to him and herself. All of sudden Seth was jolted up by his mother's tight hug. She held him for a few minutes while tears ran down both their eyes.

Once she released him Seth looked over to the door to see a girl. She was wearing a sleeveless light blue top and a red miniskirt. She had long brown hair to the bottom of her back. "Hey big brother," she said in a soft, quiet voice.

"Hey there cutie," he replied with a smile on his face.

She swung her arms around him and also grabbed him tight as well as having tears streaming down her eyes. "I thought you'd never wake up," she said in an upset voice.

She let go of him and Seth wiped away one her tears with his finger.

"Don't worry, I'm here to stay now.

"You better," she replied wiping tears away with her arm. "By the way do you remmeber my friends from Pallet Town, they thought they'd come with me to see you as well since everyone in Pallet Town has been worried about you. Come in guys."

Two boys walked in one after the other. The first had a plain red t-shirt and blue jeans on with a white cap on his head that covered up his short brown hair. His eyes were that of a blazing orange. The next boy to walk in had dark green, slightly baggy pants and a plain black t-shirt on. He had his brown hair spike to his left side and had eyes the color of a cool green.

"Hey Seth," they both said in unison.

"You remember Ray and Guy don't you?" she asked him as Seth looked at them. "We're starting our Pokčmon journey in three days..."

Yami Ryu
11th August 2006, 6:12 PM
'Where am I,' Seth thought to himself as he opened his eyes.

Thoughts are almost always italicised and have '', as 'blah' usually denotes the person is thinking. :/

The doctor doesn't seem doctorly to me- as I'm not sure any doctor would shove the real information onto a patient that's just woken up from a coma- as it is proven shock to knewly awoken coma patients can send them right back to comatose states- it's why they are treated with care :/


"No one knows but you," he replied. "One interesting thing though is when you were brought into the hospital your heart stopped for a few minutes. We were trying desperately to keep you alive by zapping you but your body was refusing it for some odd reason. We finally got it beating again after I physically pushed down on your chest a few times. You were one very lucky boy I must say. Can you remember anything at the moment?"

... not even a doctor explaining it simply would sound that stupid. I'm sorry, but don't you even know about CPR? And even I know what you meant by the zapping, the heart start machine you go CLEAR for- everyone knows that, but a doctor would know the correct term for both. And well if you're trying to make a doctor sound like a doctor, you don't make him sound like a fool :/

Overall your story is .. not great. Not good. It's mediocere. You put in just enough effort for description to fly underneath the 'halfassed' radar for most readers, and then skimp, skimp, skimp. Your characters are also shallow, your story is rushed and well.

:/ it's bad.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors. And when in doubt for what you want to speak about- LOOK IT UP! That's what the Internet is for!

Zephyr Soul
13th August 2006, 12:46 AM
I'm here to tell you a few things about a coma. -.-

One. At least he nearly died from taking Zapdos's electricity. Seriously... a legendary Pokemon's voltage would be terrificly high. :/

Two. SHOW INFINATELY MORE EMOTION. His mother and sister should have been crying for days when they heard about it. And that emotion doesn't really dull much either. I know from experience, because my brother had a snowboarding accident. -.-

Three. He will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER know what happened. (Unless you have some supernatural force tell him or something.) The only thing my brother remembered was from... two days before, I think. He doesn't remember anything after that, until he was at the hospital. Which was at least weeks afterward.

That's all I have about the coma... but there's still more.

What happened to Squirtle? Nobody cares about the poor water turtle. :( Honestly... how do you think he will react (assuming the Squirtle's a male) when he hears his trainer was in a coma for FIVE YEARS? Was he given to a new trainer? I hope so, because I'd hate to have big dreams of winning the League and then having to wait for more than five years. (You do know that he's not going to be allowed up and stuff for a long time- about three weeks, probably at the least. -.-)

Why did only three people notice Zapdos? You'd better have a good explanation for this. I'm assuming that Zapdos was angry at something. :/ Doesn't seem very nice to randomly start throwing out deadly bolts of electricity. Or maybe Zapdos was doing it to drive off the two 'mysterious' people? (It's really hard to disguise them; that description is very commonly used.)

Basically, you need to vastly improve this. -.- And follow Yami Ryu's advice... :/

Chaotic Rukario
13th August 2006, 5:22 AM
ok thaqnks for the feedback guys, i'm gonna revise both the prologue and chapter 1 later on in the week when i have a good amount of spare time and not alot of homework... and yes squirtle will be explained shortly so don't worry... and i will try to improve on the 'mysterious' explanation... also i'm really sorry if the story is boring but it will eventually and hopefully pick up and be better and stronger...

Chaotic Rukario
15th August 2006, 4:28 PM
OK everyone I've re-written the Prologue and hopefully made it better, as in detail and such, I'm hoping people who i've gotten feedback from already post again and hopefully with better feedback this time... especially you Yami Ryu... anyways i hope you enjoy it, i'll be redoing chapter one as soon as i can, hopefully by this weekend which i also hope to have a new chapter out aswell...