View Full Version : Second Hand Rose

11th August 2006, 7:37 PM
Rated G!

Not only is this fanfic a throwback to the art of vaudeville itself, it is also a tribute to my favorite cartoon character of all time, Meowth, his former voice actress, Miss Madeline Blaustein, and the masters of vaudeville themselves, such as Fannie Brice and Ed Lowry. Have fun reading it.

Prelude: Before The Show

"Prepare for trouble, if you dare!"

"We're making money fair and square!"

"Will youse two stop yappin' fer just one second and tell me if dis dress makes me look fat? Honestly, I dunno why I have ta pretend to be a goil anyways."

"Why, because they won't expect it of course!" exclaimed Jessie. "No one will expect a female flapper Meowth. Besides, those twerps will be certain to recognize you if you did this as yourself!"

"And you look stunning, Meowth," added James. "Now, remember to knock them dead out there!"

"Like I did da time I gave da Pokemon puns?"

"Silence, you," said Jessie, casually giving Meowth a slap with a fan. "Hopefully, this time these jokes will actually sell."

"And remember," said James, and then the two of them at once, "IT'S BUTTERFREE, NOT CATERPIE!"

"Geez, I never knew that stage business could be so tough. . ." quipped Meowth.

The Drawing
Ash, Brock, May, Max, and Pikachu were walkin' along until they saw a sign painted "See the Amazing Meowth, Maddie! She Can Walk! She Can Talk! And She Can Sing! Only $10.00 per viewer!"

"Like that's anything that we haven't seen," said May sarcastically.

"Pika. . ." Pikachu rolled its eyes.

Just then, they saw a blue haired man, obviously James in disguise, appear out of the blue. "Step right up!" he said. "And if you pay an additional 5 bucks, your name will be entered in a drawing for a Pokemon!"

Ash's ears perked up. "A chance at a new Pokemon? I'm in!"

"Pika-chu," sighed Pikachu, as (s)he was the only one who saw through James's disguise.

Before The Show

Backstage, Jessie yelled at James. "What were you thinking, admitting those twerps?"

“Well, Jessie," he reasoned, "it's better to have them in the audience than to have no audience at all."

Jessie sighed. "Well, I guess you're right. Now, where's Meowth?"

"Ovah here, ya dopes. Now tell me if dis lipstick looks halfway decent."

"Quit messing around. You're on. You don't want to keep the audience waiting, do you?"

“Right,” said Meowth, as Jessie and James walked onstage.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Jessie in disguise. She looked around, thinking to herself, "I hope this works." she thought. Out loud she said, "You paid to see the one and only talking Maddie, and now, here she is!"
James took this as a cue to take his seat at the piano, and the two of them waited expectantly for Meowth to come on.


The Show

As Meowth walked onstage, he noticed something very peculiar. Only the twerps were there!

"Dangit," he thought. "Oh well, I'm just gonna have to show dem what I've got."

After clearing his throat, he walked up to the pianist, climbed up, lay across the piano, and started singing.

"Faddah had a business strictly second hand.
Everyting from toothpicks to a baby grand.
Stuff in our apartment came from Faddah's store.
Even tings I'm wearin' someone's worn before.
It's no wonder dat I feel abused.
I nevah get a ting dat ain't been used!"

Then the tempo slowed down. . .

"I'm wearin'. . ."

. . . And it picked up again."Second hand hats. Second hand clothes.
Dat's why dey call me Second Hand Rose.
Even our piana in da parlah Faddah bought for ten cents on dah dollah!
Second hand coils I'm wearin' second hand poils.
I nevah get a ting dat ain't been used.
Even Jake dah plummer he's dah man I adore
Had da noive ta tell me he's been married before.
Everyone knows dat I'm just Second Hand Rose
From Second Avenue!"

At that last note, Meowth did a curtsee, and then did a flip off the piano onto the stage. But then he noticed the twerps whispering amoungst themselves.

"Hey, no whisperin' durin da show!" said a rather angry Meowth.

"Oh, sorry Meowth," said Ash.

"Dat's ok," said Meowth. And then a double take. "Huh?! How'dya know it was me?!"

"Well, we were fooled at first," said Brock, "but your voice really gave it away."

"Pika," Pikachu said in agreement.

"Whaddya mean da voice gave it away? I like my voice!"

"Meowth, the jokes! Get to the jokes!" whispered James from the piano.

"Right." Meowth looked nervously out at the twerps. "So, uh, ya know relationships? I like ta divide dem inta three rings: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ing! Eh?" No response, as Ash and his friends looked dumbfounded.

"Next joke," whispered James.

"So, didya hear about da tap dancer? Very successful, 'till she fell in da sink!"

"Wow," said Max. "I never knew that Meowth could be so. . ."

"Pathetic," Max finished.

"Wait a minute. You ain't hoid nuttin' yet! Didya hear about da fat free Pokemon? Caterpie!"

There was complete silence.

"I mean Buttahfree! Buttahfree!"
"Just finish the song," said Jessie, who was watching everything from backstage.

And so Meowth began again, with greater emotion than before.

"I'm wearin' second hand shoes, second hand hoes.
All da goils hand me deir second hand beaux.
Even my pajamas when I don 'em
Have somebody else's 'nitials on 'em.
Second hand rings I'm sick of second hand tings.
I nevah get what oddah goilies do.
Once while strollin' through da ritz a goil got my goat.
She nudged her friend an' said 'Oh look dere's my old fur coat.'
Everyone knows dat I'm just Second Hand Rose
From Second Avenue!"

The Pokemon

“That’s all very nice, Team Rocket,” said Ash, but what about the Pokemon?”

“Always having Pokemon on our mind, are we, twerp,” said Jessie.

“You wouldn’t know class if it hit you in the. . .behind!” agreed James.

“But. . .fair is fair. We will give you your new Pokemon. . . .since there’s no one else here.”

“ALRIGHT! Thank you Team Rocket!. . . huh?!” But when he looked up, Team Rocket was no where to be found.

“That was scary,” said Max.

“Let’s see your new Pokemon, Ash,” said May, changing the subject.

“Ok! What ever you are! I choose you!”

And then. . .

And then. . .

“Karp. Karp, karp.”


“Well, it did seem to be too good to be true, Ash,” said Brock.

The Magikarp continued looking at the group of trainers helplessly.

“‘Cmon! We gotta find Team Rocket before they con some more trainers out of their money,” said May.

“Nah. Knowing them, that was probably their only one,” said Max. “I almost feel sorry for them, that they had no alternative way of making cash.”

“I guess we’ll let them go today, but next time I see them, I’ll let Pikachu give them an extra Thunderbolt! Right, Pikachu?”

“Pi-ka!” exclaimed the electric rodent.

And so Ash and his friends continued on their merry way completely forgetting about Magikarp, who just sat there helplessly splashing around until some Wingull found it and ate it. I dunno.


I'm gonna submit this fic to fanfiction.com and I need your input. Thanks in advance.

Edit: Someone please move this to the completed fics section.

Yami Ryu
11th August 2006, 8:40 PM
... This doesn't deserve to be in the completed fic section. I see no description- just a poor attempt at a fic that came off as a script. Hell there's so little too this there's no ****ing reason to point out the flaws as gee, I'm not surprised that it's once more in what I've already pointed out to countless newbies before you.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Rules.

11th August 2006, 8:56 PM
Read the rules, read it again if you already read it. Practice.

11th August 2006, 9:48 PM
I'm sorry. Please deleate this topic in order to save me from further humiliation.