PDA

View Full Version : Pokémon Raio: Relapse!



Token
13th August 2006, 3:07 AM
Hi all. This fic may not make sense right now, as it is the sequal to another story, which is currently only in comic format. I'm currently adapting it into a fic, which will take quite a while, as I still need to fins some of the comics. I'll have a basic summary next chapter, along with a segment after the capter which gives information on the Pokémon whom inhabit the Raio Region. This is more serious and mature then most of my other works, as this is not meant to focus on humor. I will also, after the Dex bit, give you a summarry of the technology and setting used in the fic, as much of it comes from the comic. Anyway, here is chapter one, which to be honest is more of a prelouge connecting the two "books" (How I refer to the individual stories. Raio Relapse is book two, and I intened to have atleast two more after it. Also, please, if you read this, review. The amount if views my fics get are much higher than the amount of reviews. I'd appreciate knowing how I can improve. Anyway, on with the show!


Prolouge.

Watching the skys as the sun set majestically, the trainer sighed. Short and curly hair flowing in the wesward breeze, the thirteen year old shifted his gaze to the seas, as a movement below the surface caught his eye. The ocean was unpolluted, it’s sapphire waves sparkeling as the dim golden light reflected off their surface, moving with the luxury liner, almost as if carressing it. Underneath it’s serene waves, a group of Remoraid swum about, as an exasperated looking mother Octillery tried to gather them up. The object of the fish Pokémon’s attentions was a Mantine, both wings devoid of one of the Remoraid it held an almost symbiotic relatinship with.

Smiling slightly, the boy’s thoughts drifted back to the adventures of the previous year. His family..... he missed them, almost beyond reason, but that was to be expected. After all, he had been away from them, and his hometown for almost a year now on this cruise of the world. “Still,” he murmered, a voice as quiet as it was emotional, “ at least he won’t be bothering anyone else anytime soon.”

Without looking, he could sense the presence of his starter Pokémon. While Hivechi as a species were stealthy, the bond the thirteen year old had with Swarmstorm was almost psychic. He also knew that the Pokémon wanted to talk, so tturning around to face his friend, the trainer’s smile became a genuine one.

“How are you feeling today Swarm?” Black Jackson asked, “Feeling better after that defeat by those Sharpedo?” The Bug-Fighting type, unable to talk, gave his trainer a look that plainly said “shut up,” before taking a seat next to Black and promptly breaking out into a melodious laughter. “Don’t worry, Swarm, its not like i put it on the internet.” the teen said jovaily, “at least not yet.” Rolling it’s eyes, the Pokémon rummaged in the boy’s backpack before taking out his GameBoy Advanced SP, along with a copy of “Final Fantasy: Dawn of Souls.”

“Anyway, what did you want to see me for?” But as soon as he asked, Black knew the answer. “Develliah again?” The Hivechi nodded, once again red tinted pupils moving skyward. “You do know of course that the only reason I keep her on the team is to annoy you. I can easilly switch her or Hoenheim at any time.” Swarmstorm made a rude handgesure at that while his trainer smirked. “Now now, Swarmy, its because of things like that that I enjoy torturing you so much. As for Develliah, you know as well as I do it’s your own fault she’s infatuated with you. Huh! Speak of the devil.” And with that, Develliah entered the room.

Her long skirt waing slightly in the breeze, the Gardevoir approached her compainions. “Hello Black,” she greeted politely, bowing somewhat as she did so, “and to you Swarmstorm. Black, may I ask you a question? Rae wanted to as well,” she said, her green arm gesturing to the small Torchic walking nervously behind her.

“Of course!” Black said, picking up the baby Pokémon and holding her up to his chest as the Torchic’s warmth spread through him. “What would you like to ask?”

The Psychic type replied first, “Is something wrong with Swarmstorm, he hasn’t talked all day while normally- well... umm-”

“He never shuts up.” Rae chirped grinning.”

“Exactly,” Develliah said seepishly. “Why is that? He seems touchy about it.”

“Oh, you know,” Black said, smirking in an uncharacteristiclly evil way. “I introduced the blabbermouth to the ultimate trap.”

“A push sign on a pull door?”

“Even better. You know how much he loves to eat right?”

“Kind of hard not to notice. He almost ate me the glutton”

“Anyway, I tricked him into eating his weight in.... wait for it......Toffee! Swarm coldn’t open his mouth if he tried!”

Sighing, but grinning nevertheless, Develliah used a quick burst of psychic energy to dissolve the taffy keeping her crushes mouth shut. (“Dammit!” Rae muttered.)

“THAT WAS YOU?!?!” Swarmstorm bellowed, glaring at his trainer. “You cunning CENSORED! That was pure evil, an insult to heroes everywhere! And do you have any idea how infuriating it is to not be able to insult your mother?!? And not to mentio-” And with a wave of her hand Develliah had recreated the toffee, winking at the Trainer and the Pokémon in his arms.

“Your ideas,” Rea said laughing, “intreigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your news letter.”

Divinity_123
13th August 2006, 2:22 PM
Good, Very good. Develliah...seems devious...Hivechi??

Yami Ryu
13th August 2006, 4:05 PM
Pokemon speaking english? Or trainer understanding pokemon :/ it's been over done to the point of death and vast unoriginiality unless you put effort into it. Some of the scenes are also 'wtf'.


“Of course!” Black said, picking up the baby Pokémon and holding her up to his chest as the Torchic’s warmth spread through him. “What would you like to ask?”

Torchic was behind the Gardevoir, and the trainer was infront of the Gardevoir. Or is it a Ghost Gardevoir? :/ And for some reason that whole description of the scene you have just is a bit >.>

[qoute]Hivechi/The Bug-Fighting type[/quote]

That is all the information you've given us about this new pokemon species. Atm I'm seeing it like some rip off of Scizor- as there's nothing else to go off on. Or is it some mysterious evolution of Heracross.

:/

And Toffee making a pokemon unable to open his mouth? First if something ate his wieght in it, it'd be sick. As Toffee is candy right? Secondly sugar rushes. Even I get them if I consume enough sugary products. And thirdly- Toffee can be beaten by chewing, right? :/

Meh. Overall this looks like nothing more than an over done trainer fic with nothing special going for it.

Token
14th August 2006, 9:10 PM
Thank you for an honest review. I realise that it needs work, thats why I posted it here, so I could ge constructive criticism. Anyway, as for the toffe thing, I was just trying to be funny. It didn't work well though. -_- As for Hivechi, it is the Warrior Bee Pokémon, stands five feet and three inches tall, weighing eighty four pounds. It is the evolved form of Xingt, one of the starters in Raio, and evolves into Dubebe. It is in the Humanshape egg group, and the Yellow dex. Number two on the raio dex, a Hivechi learns powerfull fighting tecniques, along with the Psychic type Meditate. As a Bee, it can also use Poison Sting.

kyogre king
14th August 2006, 9:19 PM
That story sucks!!!!!! Lol i'm joking i liked it good job