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flygonrulz
14th August 2006, 12:53 PM
Chapter one

Let me tell you something, Mt. Pyre is the most boring place in Hoenn. And guess who gets to guard the two mystical orbs?! That’s right, me. I’m the Orb Guardian, as passed down from my grandparents. I’ve only been at this work for a few months but, god, is it boring.

Although, it isn’t so boring when Wallace and Steven come round here. Hey, I’m 16 and a girl, and, honestly, who doesn’t think they’re good looking-both of them. They’re both up here today and having a battle while I’m right here just sitting on the wall, watching them.

“Ren, you’re having a double battle with the with the winner, ‘kay?” Wallace said. My name isn’t really Ren; it’s just a nickname. My name is Serenity Fetherthrow, Serenity Augusta Roberta Andréa Fetherthrow if you want to get technical.

“Yeah, like I’m ever going to win against Kari and Carla!” Steven laughed. Kari is my Umbreon and Carla is my Espeon. They’re a pretty much unstoppable duo that I use in most of my battles, alongside my Blaziken, Flamence.

“Who says you’re going to win?!” Wallace shouted, instructing his Milotoic to use a fantastic water pulse that rammed into Steven’s Metagross with such power that it almost was sent hurdling into the orbs.

“Hey, watch the orbs!” I shouted at the two. “Unless you really want eternal damnation to come across all of Hoenn?!” The two said their words of apology and went straight back to the battle. “Boys…Yeah, okay Wallace.”

Seriously, it’s not like I enjoy spending every waking moment I have with the orbs, if not here then I have to take them with me. It gets annoying, all of the responsoblity. At first you think: “Wow, I’m going to be guarding the things that control Groudon and Kyogre!” but it’s not that exiting. You may think that you’d be fighting off all the Team Aqua and Team Magma members but we haven’t seen a single one since I took the job three months ago. You may think it’s full of danger but the only dangerous thing that’s happened was me falling off the wall a couple of weeks ago, and Metagross caught me.

Steven’s Metagross just took the final blow at Wallace’s Milotoic, a Metal claw, so it looks like I’m battling him.

“Ha! I win! I don’t know how you took my place as Hoenn champion!” He gloated. He’s now doing a little winner’s dance around the field. It’s actually kinda funny.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get too cocky. Don’t forget, you’ve got to battle against Serenity, now Mr. ‘I’m so tough, I can beat everyone’ ” Wallace said, laughing out loud. Steven then pretended to freeze up with fear. I laughed and then stepped up to battle him…only when I got up, a load of Team Magma grunts came out of their hiding places…

“Steven, Wallace-the orbs!!!” I shouted as they made an attempt to swipe the blue orb. Two admins rushed up to them and held them back, though. Leaving only me there to save the orb. I made a dash for it, only to have a burly grunt knock me out cold.

Zephyr Flare
14th August 2006, 1:29 PM
So where's the description exactly? Where is this supposed battle thats going on? Why aren;t these guys in character?

Why is this so blatantly rushed to skimp on any remote work?

I put up a thread called he Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors to be read over looking pretty. This shows blatant disregard for both and is extremely poor at best. Admittedly the grammar isn;t bad but you can have the best in the world and it doesn;t save a badly written fic.

Go read the two threads, you'll do yourself a lot of good.


Sandra

DawnOfXatu
25th August 2006, 6:21 PM
If your going to write the next part to this then you have to space this out and don't rush the storyline so much. And as Zepher said this has great grammar.