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pathophobe
15th August 2006, 1:49 PM
This is my first fanfic, so please critisize me harsher than you could take. Please point out any and all flaws. Thanks.

Prologue:

The new day was only an hour old when an old cottage by the sea was greeted by a guest.

Knock, Knock, Knock. The raps on the door sounded throughout the house waking the elderly couple within.

“I’ll get it,” she groggily told her husband as she rose from the bed. She shuffled over to the entrance thinking “Who would be coming at this hour?”

“Yes?” she asked as she opened the door

“I need a favor,” a young woman replied. The voice sounded familiar to the elderly one but she wasn’t sure.

“The daycare is closed for the night, come back in the morning.” She said slowly closing the door. The door met the young woman’s hand as it was closing.

“It’s urgent.”

“What is it?”

“I need you to raise my son, Ryan. I am going away for a while and cannot take him with me. Please, you are the only people I can trust.”

“But…”

“Here is some money for his food and education. And a little extra for you, as well.”

“Okay…” the older woman replied wearily “but wh…”

“I have to go now,” the young one said looking over her shoulder at the sea, eyes brimming with tears. As she turned away the old lady noticed her glasses and her strikingly red hair reflect the moonlight.

“Lorelei…” the older one said softly, holding the very young child in the basket as his mother ran towards the docks, and out of his life.

Jetx
15th August 2006, 2:02 PM
Short but sweet. For a first fan fic it's really good. Nice introduction.
For improvements, perhaps try longer paragraphs. I'll see if I can read the first chapter but I'm not making any promises. Good so far though. I'm too sure it's long enough, but as long chapter one is it shouldn't matter.

pathophobe
15th August 2006, 2:09 PM
Thanks. In chapter one there isn't as much dialogue and a lot more description. In the prologue, I just needed to get Ryan's history (of where he came from) ouot of the way.

Jetx
15th August 2006, 2:12 PM
Okay, judging by what I've seen so far you seem pretty good with description.

pathophobe
15th August 2006, 3:19 PM
Here's the next part (my last part written so far)

Chapter 1: Ryan

“Ryan, sweetie, it’s time to get up.” His mother called sweetly through the door. Well not exactly his mother but rather his foster mother. She always told Ryan that his mother had left him with her and her husband when he was quite young.

“Mmmmpfff…” Ryan groaned.

“Come on, honey. I made your favorite breakfast for your special day.” Ryan, quite literally, rolled himself out of bed.

“Owww…” he yawned, rubbing his head, which had been bumped on his bedside table. He wearily staggered his way out of his room and into the bathroom.

“Another long day at school.” He sighed. Every day was a long day for him. Ryan was the butt of many jokes for being the oldest there by three years. All of his old friends had already left tow whole years ago with their new pokemon, but Ryan’s parents would not allow that. He was hoping that today was the day they allowed him to visit the famous Professor Oak Jr. in Pallet Town to receive his starter. He already had it picked out. He was going to get a squirtle because he had an attraction to water and ice pokemon since he had learned about them at school.

As he trudged down the stairs, he smelled the aroma of freshly baked rawst and sitrus berry pancakes. His mom only made these once a year.

“Happy birthday, Ryan,” his father said form the corner as he tended to the eggs of pokemon trainers.

“I hope you’re really hungry because I made lots of pancakes today.” Ryan’s mother said joyously from her station by the stove.

“Starved,” Ryan replied as she loaded a heaping helping of pancakes onto his plate.

“Now remember to come straight home from school today. We have a special surprise for your birthday,” his father said, still in the corner.

“I will,” Ryan said sadly. I guess no squirtle today, he thought.

After he finished breakfast, it was time to go to school. Ryan cleared his plate and headed upstairs to get his bag and books. After grabbing those, he bounded down the stairs, I a rush not to miss the ferry. He hurried out the door, and as he did his mother saw the sun strike his red hair.

“He takes so much after his mother,” she murmured.

When Ryan reached the port at the far end of the island, the ferry was just about to leave.

“Ticket, please,” the attendant said to Ryan. He pulled a sheet of paper with a rainbow on it, and was allowed on board.

Once on, Ryan always headed for the deck. Hi liked sitting up there a lot. He always had since his father took him up there once while heading for the mainland. He loved the sea spray in his face and seeing all the ocean’s inhabitants. He imagined himself catching many of the species in there but knew he couldn’t for the current was too fast to fish in.

As the mainland came into the view over the horizon, slightly past Boon Island, Ryan decided to review for his test today on types. This was nothing he hadn’t taken before, but he just wanted to be sure.

“Electric beats water which beats ground which beats electric. I think I got this down,” he mumbled to himself.

*ding* “Now arriving in Vermillion, the sparkling burg on the bay.” The crackling voice on the speaker announced.

Ryan casually stepped of the ship and headed to the exit of the port. As he exited, he noticed a storm brewing to the north. He decided to get to school very quickly today. He set his bag down on the ground and grabbed a lightweight ball of metal from it. He unfolded it quickly and hopped on the bike he had formed. He took off as fast as he could toward the east and Lavender Town. As he biked, he was cautious not to step in the grass, where pokemon dwelled, for he had nothing to protect him. He rode past many trainers battling each other for pride and experience. Ryan turned left onto the docks that led north. This was his favorite part of the ride. He liked watching fishermen catching their prey and battling with others. But today Ryan wasn’t watching these people. Instead his deep blue eyes were scanning the skies, hoping the storm would not move in before he got to school. He sped up, noticing the clouds getting darker, but was careful not to slip into the dark water below.

As Ryan sped into town, the storm struck. White-hot lightning crackled above him and the thunder rolled so loud his bike shook. The rain came down in sheets, so by the time he got to school he was soaked.

He stepped inside the building before refolding his bike, so it wouldn’t get even wetter. He set his bike in the corner of the entrance and headed up the stairs into his classroom.

Jetx
15th August 2006, 11:04 PM
He liked sitting up there a lot
Just a small typo.


Apart from that a pretty nice chapter. One main thing for you to improve on, you really need to describe the settings a bit more. What does the place he is in look like? What sort of things are in the place he is? You describe actions perfectly, the way he does the things he does, but just not the settings so well. So work on that, you know how to use dialogue pretty well as well, but considering the amount he did in the chapter I would've though there'd be much more paragraphs without dialogue.

D.P Pocchama
16th August 2006, 7:36 PM
That was awesome for a first fanfic!!! It was short and sweet, although maybe a little too short, but still VERY GOOD!!!

smasher15
16th August 2006, 7:45 PM
I think its very good for a first time fic.But as Jetx said u do need to descibe the settings a little better.

Aipika
16th August 2006, 10:10 PM
Cool. I like this fic. It has a lot of potential and its original. I like the idea a lot! You may find me visiting again as your regular customer :) And I also noticed something. You didn't exactly write Ryan's feelings about being teased and all that. It would help describle his character and such.

pathophobe
20th August 2006, 12:33 AM
Here's the next part.

Chapter 2: School

The Lavender Town Pokemon Academy is set just north of the pokemon tower. Set into the walls of the mountains surrounding Rock Tunnel, carved out of the natural rock, it is the most prestigious academy in all of Kanto. The children of the best trainers and those of the wealthy attend this school in hopes of becoming a champion someday. Nine of the last ten Kanto league champions had graduated from this academy. The teachers are the strictest, the classes are the toughest, but, the results are undeniably the best.

Ryan headed up the lavender tinted stairs, indicating the school, to his classroom. He was in class V, the top class they taught there. Ryan had been in that class for the past three years, since the day he turned nine, when most entered. None of the other students let him forget that he had now been in the class for those years.

“I’m getting Charmander when I turn ten,” some say about which starter they are going to choose.

“Well, I’m getting Bulbasaur,” others say. But, every student ended with many different jabs at Ryan, like “What are you getting, Ryan. Oh, yeah! You never will!”

The ridicule used to hurt Ryan a lot. It only started with a few kids when he was ten, but in kept getting worse as he kept aging and others graduating. It would begin to be the worst yet at twelve.

Ryan was the first person to school that day. He just stood in the doorway, staring at the walls that were covered with posters describing pokemon and types, imagining what type of ridicule would happen to him today. As he stood there, a puddle formed beneath him from the rain dripping off of his clothes. Eventually, the puddle began getting Ryan’s feet wet, prompting him to move. Since there was nobody in the room, he decided to try to dry his clothes. He took off his shirt and hung it over the heater to dry. While waiting, he wanted to study for the mock battle he was going to have today.

“Water gun would beat fire types, ember would beat grass types, and vine whip would beat water types,” he muttered to himself. Just then, he heard the door beginning to open, so he rushed over to the heater and threw his shirt back on.

“Oh!” the teacher squeaked, “I wasn’t expecting anyone here yet.”

“Yeah, I came here faster than usual because of the storm,” Ryan replied

“Happy Birthday,” she said happily to him.

“Thanks,”

“Ummm… Ryan… your shirt’s on backwards,” she said hesitantly, wondering why it was that way.

“Thanks” he answered, blushing as he whipped the shirt back around.

“A little wet out, don’t you think?” she asked, taking another stab at forced conversation.

“A bit,”

“You know, umbrellas help keep the rain off,”

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t have one on me.”

“So… are you getting your starter today, Ryan”

“Probably not…” he responded downheartedly

After a few minutes of silence, Ryan’s classmates began coming through the door in a damp mob, the bus just letting them off. They were talking amongst themselves in loud voices, all trying to be heard above everyone else. Ryan couldn’t piece together any full conversations, but rather, small bits and pieces of some. He was still very wet, far wetter than anyone else in the mass making its way to the back of the room.

“Everyone settle down,” the teacher shouted over the conversation, trying to calm the noise, “Put your coats and bags in the back.”

All of Ryan’s classmates filed back and put away their belongings in the lockers. They all took their seats in the middle of the class in plain brown desks. Ryan was still sitting in a puddle his clothes had created.

“Now class, you all remember that we have a test today, right?”

“Yes ma’am,” they all disdainfully replied.

“Well, that test has been cancelled,” a cheer went up from the students. “Instead, we will hold a tournament, with the winner receiving extra credit!” the cheer turned into much shouting and children talking about how well they are going to do. “I have already drawn up the tournament board. Everyone go choose your pokeball!” everyone rushed over to the shelves in the back to grab a pokeball, hoping the pokemon inside would be a winner. There were sixteen balls on the shelf, but when Ryan got back there,, he only found one left.

“I hope you’re a winner,” he whispered to it.

The teacher led the class back downstairs and into a door to their left. Through the door was an arena. The whole room was painted a pure white. Fluorescent lights were hanging down from the ceiling, illuminating the whole field. In the middle of the arena was the ground where the matches would take place. The ground was covered with dirt and pebbles. The match area was outlined with wood, making a definite boundary line.

“I will post the bracket by the bleachers so you can see who you are battling first.” All the kids ran over to see their opponent. When Ryan got over he saw who he was battling first. It was Dan, who was considered by all the worst in the class. He was the youngest in the class, coming only three weeks ago. Ryan realized the tournament must be seeded because he was the best in the class, having the most experience with the pokemon. He hadn’t always been the best in the class. When he started here, he was one of the worst battlers. But as he grew, he became much better, eventually becoming the best.

The teacher shouted over the bustle of children trying to find their opponents.

“The first match will begin now. It will be Ryan versus Dan. Gentlemen please step forward into the arena. I will be officiating this match. The match will be one versus one, no time limit. Ready, begin!”

Arcanine Royale
23rd August 2006, 9:24 PM
Hm... interesting. So far, I like it. Though the chapters are a little on the short side, the chapters are lengthy, time-wise, so its good. Maybe you want to put together chapters so they get longer? Meh, it's fine.

A problem I saw, is that you didn't always capitalize pokemon names and attacks. Sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. Try to keep it consistent.

Another problem I saw. The main character, Ryan, went from I'm guessing Cinnabar, or some other island, to Vermillion via ferry, and the from Vermillion to Lavender via bike. In the anime, it would take a long time for Ash and co to do this. Of course, if you're leaning more towards the gameverse, which I'm thinking you are, I guess it would be okay. Because, if you think about it, Kanto has to be pretty small because there are WAY more towns than that in real life.

Pretty nice fic, for a beginner, pathophobe.

smasher15
24th August 2006, 6:56 PM
That chapter was good,but short CLIFFHANGER I HATE'EM.Lol just kidding keep on going its looking good.

Divinity_123
25th August 2006, 2:01 AM
T'was très bonne! Call me stupiid for not noticing this but Ryan lives in four Island right?

shadowlight
25th August 2006, 2:57 AM
Hmm I think that this is a very good fic
I hope that he doesn't find out who his mother is right at the beginning
I wonder why she would have to give him away
Maybe someone is trying to kill him
I wonder who the father is
Perhaps Lance
Is he going to have a Slugma

pathophobe
27th August 2006, 7:40 PM
T'was très bonne! Call me stupiid for not noticing this but Ryan lives in four Island right?

Yes.


I was on vacation for the last few days and am almost done typing up chapter three. It should be up tomorrow.

Aipika
3rd September 2006, 1:06 AM
I like this chapter. I can't wait to see what Pokemon Ryan's going to have. I like to read Pokemon battles. They send anticipation to see who wins and also the creative ways people describes attacks. I can't wait for the next chapter.

pathophobe
8th September 2006, 11:53 AM
Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, I have to work around school now, and that obviously comes first.

Chapter 3: The Tournament Begins

“Go, Pokeball!” Ryan shouted as he threw his into the center of the arena. Dan threw his in at the same time, but wasn’t quite as vocal about it. He was generally a shy child, choosing to stay quiet and unnoticed during the day, and now was no different.

The pokeballs hit the dusty gravel at the same time, both releasing flashes of white energy as they returned to the young trainers. Ryan’s energy glow lifted about two feet off the ground. Purple wisps of smoke materialized around it as the center of the glow took a circular shape. The center solidified while a hole appeared in the lower half revealing rows of pointed teeth.

“Gast! Gastly! Ly, gastly!” it groaned.

The other energy cloud stayed on the ground. Four stocky legs appeared lifting the torso off of the ground. A tail began forming on one end, while on the other, a head with two rounded ears and a tuft of fur grew. The body began to solidify and an orange hue started showing everywhere on it. On it’s back and legs, thick black stripes appeared.

“Growl! Growlithe!” it barked.

Dan wasted no time calling his first attack.

“Growlithe, bite!” he called to it.

“Gastly, doge it and use curse!” Ryan shouted to it.

“Okay,” it replied. You see, Ryan had a gift. He had first noticed it last year when battling with these pokemon. He could psychically hear their thoughts. Well, not all their thoughts, per se, but only the ones they wanted him to hear. He noticed that he could only do this with pokemon that knew him, though. Whenever new pokemon came in, he couldn’t hear their thoughts.

The dog-like monster leaped at gastly, fangs bared, ready to bite at it. Gastly ducked underneath the hound as a nail appeared in front of the fog. The nail drove itself into the gas wounding it, but the growlithe seemed to be feeling it more than gastly did, though. The nail pushed farther into gastly and growlithe fell, feeling the pain magnified in it’s own chest. As the pain ripped through it’s body, it fell to the ground.

“Growlithe, get up!” Dan shouted to it. The hound stood up, its legs shaking as it did so. “Use ember!”

“Gastly, use hypnosis.” Gastly’s eyes began to glow yellow and fixated on the growlithe’s black eyes. The string of white hot embers streamed out of the growlithe’s mouth heading straight towards gastly.


“Gastly, don’t move. Just keep fixated on his eyes.” Ryan yelled to it.

“Growlithe, don’t look. Use ember again.” Just as the growlithe was about to launch another string of embers at gastly, he laid down and fell to sleep.

“Good job, gastly, now use dream eater to finish it.” The gastly vanished from where it was and reappeared over the slumbering dog, which was still cringing and doubled over in pain from the nail in the gastly. Gastly latched its mouth upon the head of the growlithe and began to suck, taking the dog’s health with the dream. After the attack had finished the nail drove itself a little bit further into the ghost and the sleeping dog rolled over, too exhausted to battle any more.

“Growlithe, return.” Dan said, shocked how fast his pokemon had been trounced.

“Gastly, good job, return” Ryan said, “Nice battle” he said, walking over to shake Dan’s hand.

“Yeah, you too. Here’s growlithe.” Dan answered, taking Ryan’s hand and handing him the pokeball. The rules of the tournament said that the winner got the loser’s first pokemon.

After the traditional battle ending banter was over, Ryan went to sit on the bleachers to watch all of the other battles. No one else won their battle so quickly or got hit so few times. That could be expected, though. Ryan had experience battling with all of the pokemon the school used. Because he had been there so long, he knew all of the pokemon and the strengths and weaknesses that each possessed. The first round ended with a quick spark from voltorb against the opposing spearow.

Ryan went over to the bracket, which had been updated now, to see who his next opponent was. The sheet said he was battling Harry, a trainer a little bit better than Dan, next round.

Jaster
12th September 2006, 12:34 PM
Well nice story so far.