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Seth_X_of_Fortree
16th August 2006, 5:02 PM
Alright, lets get started. Personally, my first fan-fic. Follows the plot of the R/S/E games. Don't hurt me because of the suprise at the end of Ch. 1. I'm doing two (prolouge and Ch.1) because it will make you understand... better...
(WARNING: MAY look a bit similar to Pokemon Special Anime at some points)

Rated PG-13 for violence.



Prolouge

The girl was playing in the center of Viridian Forest. Her mom and dad went into town for supplies, but she couldn't believe it. CAMPING! They took me camping! She was happier than anyone...

...for the moment.

A flutter of wings, an uncommanded attck, a hat flying up, the forest floor stained with blood...

...And the girl looked up in enough time to see the person who saved her...

Run. He ran back to Pallet, a full 15 miles, and arrived at his house. For 2 years, he put up with taunts, jabs, and so on because of it.

He moved to the Johto region, and found another girl his age...

They became best of freinds, until she had to move away...

3 more years pass, and we see the boy, attempting the journey again...

Hoenn region has opened up, and people flock there by the thousands. A labratory is set up in Littleroot town, and the boy visits it every day...

Until Professor Birch asks him to deliver a package to Oldale, then go to Petalburg and challenge the Gym Leader there...

It has only been a few days since he left Littleroot, but he is in Petalburg already, with two pokeballs at his belt and a hope for life in his heart...

End of Prolouge

Chapter 1
Seth looked around at the Pokemon Center. He was waiting for his pokemon to be healed. He saw a man walk in and ask Nurse Joy if the starters have come in yet.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Alfon, not yet..."

"But I've come in every day..."

"They're not here."

Seth commented,"Who is it for?"

Mr. Alfon snapped, "It's for my son Wally. He's got to go to Verdanturf, but he needs a pokemon to acompany him."

"Why don't you take him to Littleroot?"

"He's not healthy enough!"

Seth recieved his pokemon and left the center. He went to the shop and looked at the wares for a bit. He then told the owner, "You're so close to Devon, but you have not a great ball?"

"Naw, they all got bought by a weak kid, named Wally."

"Where's the Gym?"

"Idiot."

He left, and decided to see what was in Rustboro City, for he could not find the Gym.

Suddenly, Wally runs out and hit Seth hard, then slices his pokeballs off and runs. Seth sees black before hitting the ground.

Give up. You will never make it.

"No. I must get up."

You get destroyed by the weak.

"I will survive."

You are worthless.

"I WILL survive."

Seth got up, and headed to the Pokemon Center quickly.

End of Chapter 1

Good? Bad? Bad? Tell me non-spam thoughts.

Pink Parka Girl
16th August 2006, 5:15 PM
You need to learn to show, not tell. There is very little description, and reads as simplistically as a Dick and Jane primer. And not every sentance needs to end with an ellipsis (those three periods, like this ... ).

Also, watch your spelling (for example, it's spelled "friends").

Check out the Advise for Aspiring Authors thread. Because right now, this story is, frankly, poor.

Seth_X_of_Fortree
16th August 2006, 5:17 PM
You need to learn to show, not tell. There is very little description, and reads as simplistically as a Dick and Jane primer. And not every sentance needs to end with an ellipsis (those three periods, like this ... ).

Also, watch your spelling (for example, it's spelled "friends").

Check out the Advise for Aspiring Authors thread. Because right now, this story is, frankly, poor.


Thanks, I made this in 20 minutes, next time I'll spend hours typing, describing, Ect. before posting.

Astinus
16th August 2006, 10:47 PM
Thanks, I made this in 20 minutes, next time I'll spend hours typing, describing, Ect. before posting.

That's your problem. There is no rule on the Fanfiction board that says that you must post your story the instant you type the last word. If you use a word processing program, such as Microsoft Word, then you can save your story to work on it later. No one can achieve perfection on the first try. That's why there's always the thing called a "first draft". This is when you get your story out without stopping to think. As soon as the first draft is one, you go back and edit it, adding in and taking out parts.

Now, onto your story. Your prologue is rather shoddy and confusing. It really makes no sense. I can see that you were going for mystery, but some of the authors out today are enjoyed because they mention the name of the character in the first paragraph. You don't have to do this.

The one thing that you must do, however, is add in more description. Like, why in the world would a parents leave their child in the middle of the forest with no protection? It's horrible parenting in the real world. Explain why the parents have gone off.

It's also confusing to tell what happened. I mean, who did the girl get saved by? And why did you jump from one character to the other? We have a pronoun for the first three paragraphs, "she", and then we jump to "he" with no way to show that we jumped. Without a way to show that you changed scenes, then readers will get confused...and think that you forgot the gender of your character.

Also, you must give some explanation as to why you changed the personalities and LAWS of the Pokéworld. Like, Wally was shown to be a weak yet up-lifted and caring kid with a dream. You turned him into a theif. Besides, it was stated that stealing from another trainer is wrong... It wouldn't be readily done. And besides, if Wally ran into Seth in the middle of town, a citizen would help. People aren't that evil.

Might I just add that the excuse of "I didn't like this character" does not hold up to twisting canon? I don't like a character from an anime that I wrote fanfiction on. I never twisted her personality, though. You shouldn't either.

I would say that your story would fit for a third-grader's book...but even the books I read in third grade had description of the charcters. Sorry, but it's true.

It's the same basic advice. More description, less confusion, less spelling mistakes.