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Psychic
25th November 2004, 10:50 PM
This is the first Fic I have ever posted on Serebii, but it's been going strong for a very long time, as you can tell from the fact that this was posted in November of 2004. But believe me when I say I have improved a lot from then.

Here are the current chapters:

Prologue: Outcast
Chapter 1: ‘Death Never Came’ (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=940493&postcount=2)
Chapter 2: ‘Tolerance is Rare’ (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=961727&postcount=14)
Chapter 3: Part 1: Omens (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=1010988&postcount=25)
Chapter 3: Part 2: Omens and Death (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=1019559&postcount=30)
Chapter 4: The Messenger (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=1122751&postcount=41)
Chapter 5: The First Steps (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=1951224&postcount=100)

There is more than one part to some chapters simply because I wanted to leave my readers in some suspence as to how things would play out, though the chapter itself wasnt finished.


Note: All Pokémon will be ‘speaking’ English in this tale, but otherwise, they would be talking in their own language.

Rated PG for content, some blood later on and a few other situations not meant for everyone (not written as of yet). Read only if you don't mind sadness and intollerence.

Disclaimer: Many characters in this fic are thanks to the very talented Dragonfree, who first created the sprites, which I made into a few characters.
And obviously, I don't own Pokémon.


Now please sit back and enjoy...




Prologue: ‘Outcast’

A lone Grovyle caught his breath in the high branches of one of the tallest sycamore trees in a forest. So close together were the trees that only a few shafts of light penetrated the light green canopy. It was, to any passerby, a wondrous sight, wild Taillow and Spearow swooping and diving in flocks, the sweet aroma of the spores of Oddish and Butterfree filling the air, the odd Trapinch poking its head out from the ground, but the forest’s beauty was lost to the creature. One of his arms supported the rest of the green body upright in a standing position on the thick sycamore branch. The two arms and legs were humanoid, though a pointed reptilian head with two intelligent yellow eyes rested atop it. His stomach and lower jaw was a bright ruby red. From the top of his head grew a long, blue-green leaf, similar to two others growing from his back.

He cast a fearful eye back towards the way he came. He could still hear the shouting of those of his very own species, who had run him out of their nesting area, but just barely. Kendar was lucky to have speed on his side, lucky, yet cursed at the same time.

He looked at his arm, the normal shape and colour of that of a Grovyle, but instead of the few normal leaves used for camouflage in the trees growing from it, there were enough of the dark green leaves to form a bird-like wing, allowing him extra speed and distance when jumping, and even the ability to fly using the wind when well enough, and warm thermals that radiated off the leave strewn ground.

Flight had always seemed like such an amazing thing to him when he was a young Treeko, he reflected, and when he grew older, his wish for flight had started to become a reality.

Kendar remembered quite clearly the day he had finally evolved from his Treeko from; a nasty little male Spearow had picked a fight on his little brother for a reason unknown to him. The simple bird was of strong build, fierce for one so small, he recalled. It had stood in a small opening in the trees, where a ring of sunlight was able to burst through the forest’s protective roof. A black body, cream chest, red wings and sharp pink talons. Two beady black angry eyes were almost lost within the brown feathers that covered its head, and a jagged beak, used for ripping and tearing, Kendar recalled. He had been lucky to have stumbled in on them at that moment. His brother had been close to dying from blood loss, it seemed. When Kendar saw his brother, bloody scratches all over his body, lying spread-eagle on the ground, and face contorted in agony, Kendar had attacked the pesky bird in rage. He had rammed it, while it wasn’t watching, all rational thought leaving his mind. He wanted to make that bird pay! Only Kendar was so young back then, so inexperienced in the middle of his first battle, and it was a fierce one at that.

He remembered fighting with all his might, scratching and kicking and biting, but it had made little difference. In no time at all, the fierce bird had him pinned to the ground, sharp, hooked beak poised to make the final blow while smiling in triumph, something amazing happened; he had evolved. Kendar started to glow a pure, bright light, and grew and grew and grew until he felt he was the size of the sun, when the glow died down and he suddenly was able to kick the Spearow off him with a new found strength.

Newly reborn, Kendar attacked the bird with a will. The battle was finally going his way until it took to the sky. He had glared up at it angrily, soaring and dipping, like the show-offs Spearow were. It was ready to dive bomb him at any moment, Kendar could tell. Finally, the Spearow shot down at him like a falling star, and Kendar only wished he had had a chance to experience flight himself before meeting his end. But he had jumped backwards in the nick on time, merely by reflex, nimbly avoiding collision. He had swept his arms forward when doing this without realizing it, and it was then he noticed the new wings.

He examined them carefully, excitement shining in his bright eyes, and flapped them experimentally. He barely rose an inch. He tried again and again to no avail. Annoyed, Kendar searched his surroundings for something that might assist him, and saw exactly what he needed; a tree with a branch just low enough to get to in a hurry, thick and high enough for his other needs. He scampered over, climbed to the branch and jumped off the end without hesitation, just as a gust of wind was able to pick him up.

For a moment, Kendar had doubted if his plan had worked, seeing as he was already losing altitude. But Kendar quickly learned how to steer; it was quite simple once you understood the basic principals of flight, as he did. This had to do with his obsession with flight ever since he had caught a glimpse of his first Pidgey, not long after his Hatching Day.

And oh, the joy of flying! It was truly wonderful, better than anything he had ever done, floating on the wind like that. The Spearow too, noticed Kendar’s new ability and took to the air with a few strokes of his wings and shouted to Kendar in anger.

“Bacrawww! No earth-crawling Worm is able to fly! You have broken the law of Normalicy! You are an abnormal land-worm! You will pay for this!” and so the little bird started dive bombing him relentlessly, non-stop. It was all Kendar could do to dodge it. The Spearow’s determination scared the Grovyle, but as he floated in the sky, flapping his odd wings, he saw his little brother, lying on the grass, a bruised and bloody mess, just coming round. The Treeko sat up, and began to rub the back of his light green head dizzily. Kendar too, remembered what he was fighting for, and flew towards the bird. He slashed it once with the long blue leaf on his head and the Spearow, in its already weakened state, fell to the ground with a thud.

Glad to be finished, Kendar floated down to his astonished brother. After he landed, he approached his confused brother, and put his hand out to help him up However, instead of taking the hand, the tiny Treeko crawled backwards away from him, long dark green tail dragging along the ground.

“G-g-get away f-from m-me, y-you, y-y-you…freak!” he shouted, his fear showing in his large tearful eyes. Never, in his entire life, would Kendar ever forget the look on his brother’s face; surprise, fear, confusion and agony from his battle prior to his brother’s evolution, shaping his face into one that scared him.

“B-but -” Kendar stuttered in disbelief, trying desperately to understand this sudden fear.

“L-l-leave me alone! You’re no brother of mine!” he cried out. He suddenly sprang up, adrenalin his only source of strength, and ran off, a bloody and bruised mess, back towards the nests.

“But I’m you’re brother. I, I just saved you.” Kendar had whispered to the wind.

Never would Kendar forget that day, not a year ago. When his brother had reached the nesting grounds, he had told everyone, including his own mother, about the entire affair. When Kendar had returned home, he remembered everyone eyeing his odd wings and him with the uttermost loathing. Then they had chased him away, and was pronounced ‘Outcast’. He still heard the steady chant of ‘Outcast, Outcast’ in his darkest dreams at night, as shadowy figures chased him. He had hoped that this news would not reach other colonies, but it had. And so every time he found a new colony that he hoped he could remain with, he was chased out to the steady chanting of ‘Outcast, Outcast’ by young and old alike.

This was the fifth nesting ground he had found, but was once again chased out to the all too familiar chanting. He didn’t know for how much longer he could take it! He pressed onward still, even after the chanting had died down.

“Why must they torment me so?” he questioned to what would seem to any passerby, like an invisible companion. After traveling alone for so long, he, like many lone ones before him, had taken to the habit of talking to himself. “What have I done to them?” he wondered, temper suddenly rising. “I have not hurt them! Never did I do anything wrong!” It was then that a voice at the back of his mind spoke, repeating the words he hadn’t heard in what seemed like eons.

“You have broken the Law of Normalcy! You are an abnormal land-worm!” The words of that Spearow. They had meant nothing to him before, just gibberish. Now, it did mean something.

“I have broken the Law.” he murmured miserably. “The Law of Normalcy, whatever that is.” Kendar tried to imagine in what way he was breaking such a Law, but such reasons eluded him.

Luckily for him, his stomach had other things to think about, such as hunger.

“At least food will keep my mind off such troubling matters.” Kendar thought with a sad smile. He looked up at the sun, noticing how it was right above his head, signifying lunch time.

“Perfect timing too.” he muttered.

Kendar spied an apple tree not too far from him, causing him to smile at his luck. He jumped nimbly over and plucked a few of the riper looking apples from the tree. After eating his fill, he sat himself down on one of the branches while leaning against the tree’s trunk.

“Mmmmm, those sure were good apples!” he said happily, troubles temporarily forgotten. He was in the process of patting his stomach in content, but instead of seeing a ruby coloured stomach, he saw his stomach had taken on an orange-ish pallor.

“What the heck is happening to me?!” he asked aloud.



Hope you all liked it!

Disclaimer: Yup, Kendar was created by Dragonfree. She has the rights to him. I just gave him his character.

Psychic
1st December 2004, 3:48 AM
Here’s Chapter 1, enjoy!



Chapter 1: ‘Death Never Came’

“Awww, is da widdle fweak huwt?” asked one of the Ghosts mockingly.

Heekali bit his lower lip, trying in vain to hold back the tears that threatened to escape his eyes. One of the Gengar pulled him up by his single little white tail, allowing his four tiny paws to dangle limply.

“Leave me alone!” the tiny Vulpix cried weakly, but to no avail, for the Gengar ignored his plea completely.

“Hey Batarek, do ya think that if I yank out ‘is tail, all da uders’ll finally grow out?” the Gengar who was holding him by the tail asked the gang’s boss. The others, who were all off to the side laughed heartily, patting each other on spiked purple backs.

The biggest and most frightening ghost gave his minion an evil grin, showing two rows of sharp, fang-like teeth. “Oh ya, sure, keep at it!” he said gleefully.

He then shoved his ugly face into Heekali’s whole line of vision and said maliciously “Hey, don’t worry squirt, we’re helpin’ you’se become Normal again!” his grin grew wider, showing off more of the large, gleaming fangs.

Heekali couldn’t help but let out a tiny whimper, which only made the gangsters laugh harder.

“What’s da matter? Miss yer mommy?” an observing Gengar asked cruelly.

This couldn’t help but bring memories flooding back to the white Vulpix. He recalled his mother’s anxious face the day he had been born. He had been a great deal paler than his brothers and sisters at birth, and had been very weak too. He had seemed to only get paler as time went on, causing him to be teased quite often.

After two and a half years he had gotten no darker, nor had he grown any more tails. The elders had a large meeting which Heekali had to attend with his mother, and had decided that he was not a Vulpix; not one of them. He remembered being ‘escorted’ out of their territory, and being told never to return, unless of course, he could become Normal. After that, Heekali had to fend for himself; find his own food, search for a place to live, and defend himself from all threats. This was because no Pokémon in their right mind would want to help one who was not like their parenting species. He had been living like this for six months, wandering the forest, a scratched and bruised mess. He had been attacked more times than he could count. Sometimes he would just lie down on the ground and wait for death, but pain would still be there, and death would never come.

“Ya know boys, I don’t thing ‘ee wants ta become Normal.” the leader said loudly, bringing Heekali back to the present.

“Righto boss, ‘ee looks too d’feated ta go on, maybe ‘ee just wants ta die.” said the Gengar who was holding him by his tail. He suddenly let go, dropping the poor fox onto the ground. Heekali fell in a sad heap, not even bothering to try and get up.

‘Maybe they can put an end to my misery.’ he thought with a sad smile.

“That right squirt? Too d’feated ta go on?” asked pack’s the boss.

Heekali wanted to say ‘yes, please just finish me off’, but he felt as if he barely even had the energy to nod.

The large Gengar shrugged. “Fine den, see you’se in dee After-life, mate.” the Gengar leader raised its right arm over its head, preparing to make a long, downwards sweep to end the poor fox’s life.

Heekali squeezed his eyes shut and waited for death’s pitiful touch to ease his pain. He could almost see the Gengar make the downwards sweep of its arm in a painstakingly slow motion. But once again, death never came.

A whooshing sound suddenly filled the fox’s ears, and Heekali ‘saw’ an odd, white blue shape make contact with his would be killer. Then the sound of one object hitting the other reached his ears, followed by much yelling, and soon screeching.

The white Vulpix opened his eyes a tiny fraction, and saw the Gengar fighting savagely with an odd, cold blue flying creature. Heekali saw the odd blue thing, using a sharp stinger on its tail to lash out and stab the ghosts. Each time they were stabbed, they let out a deafening screech.

Finally, Heekali heard one of the Gengars suddenly shout over the din,

“C’mon guys, lets get outa ‘ere, that mad beast fights like ten! An’ Batarek’s been hurt real bad, poisoned maybe! Fall back!” he cried, grabbing the leaders rather limp body with him, and draped him over his shoulder. He didn’t have to repeat himself, for his command was backed by numerous shouts, and one Gengar shouting “Every ghost for ‘imself!” in agreement.

“Ooo, you’ll pay for dis, see if’n ya don’t! We’ll be back, oh we will, we will…” shouted Batarek, just before going completely limp and falling unconscious.

In no time at all, there wasn’t a trace left of the fox’s tormenters. Heekali closed his eyes, hoping the flying monster would just leave him alone to die. But no such luck for the tiny Vulpix, for he heard the creature approach him.

“Hey kid, are all right? You got a pretty nasty beating there, you know.” the voice was rather deep, but gentle. Heekali decided whatever it was, it wouldn’t harm him. Besides, there was no harm in answering it. He opened his eyes and hoped he was right.

The creature that stood before his was icy blue in colour, with two triangular ears sticking out of an oval head. Its body was simple enough, with two stubby arms that ended in clawed pincers and two feet, each with a single nail. A sort of webbing connected the arms and legs, a slightly lighter blue than the rest of the body, that looked as strong as the rest of its body. The tail was like that of an Onix, like a few rocks joined together, tipped with a ball. From this ball grew a long horn-like needle, that, for some reason, made Heekali nervous.

“What would you know about savage beatings?” he asked with all the energy he could muster, and gave it a small smile.

The funny creature smiled back. “When you’re, different, not every beast wants to keep you around.” he offered Heekali a pincer, which the Vulpix gladly accepted.

“Thanks.” he muttered thankfully, though at the same time he felt rather disappointed.

The cold blue creature smiled and seemed to read his mind, for he said “You don’t seem too thankful, you seem to want to simply lay down and die.”

Heekali avoided the steel blue eyes and nodded in silence.

“It isn’t all that simple you know. Life, I mean. Sometimes we tend to see only its darker side, and when we do, we think there’s no good left for us, and feel like giving up. But we must look at the bright side, and find a reason to keep going on living. See what I mean?” he commented.

Heekali looked up at him, and cocked his head to the side. “You know, I guess I’ve never really thought about it that way.” he admitted with a shrug. “Oh, I’m Heekali by the way.”

The creature smiled, showing off two large fangs. “Pleasure to meet you Heekali. I’m Shazaro.” noticing Heekali’s puzzled look, Shazaro added “I’m a Gligar, by the way. Or at least, I suppose I was a Gligar.” He added thoughtfully, seemingly with little regret.

“What do Gligar look like?” Heekali asked in confusion.

Shazaro smiled fondly at the innocent looking fox. “I once found a colony of them, though they were not too happy to see me. They are, unlike me, very purple, Aipom purple. Their webbing-like wings are a bright blue, and their stinger is not quite as long as mine. Their fangs are a great deal shorter, and weaker too. And of course, they do not have these.” he said, pointing out the three long, thin claw-like nails growing from the top of each of its pincers.

“Why are you so different?” Heekali inquired.

The Gligar’s eyes clouded over, but he blinked twice to clear them and frowned.

“I used to live near a place called Ice Path, which is a cave really. It has that name for a reason you know; it is freezing there, even a mile away from the actual cave the cold cuts into your skin like a blade. I lived there most, if not all of my life, for I don’t recall ever living anywhere else, or with anyone else for that matter. Of course, I had to learn to adapt, so whether it was at birth or not, I was able to change, to adapt to my surroundings and harsh climate. My skin became hard and smooth, with enough insulation to keep warm, and my body had turned this metallic blue, perfect for camouflage since the walls of the Path are lined in ice. My odd wings, if you wish to call them that, have taken on the same shiny hue for the same reason, and my stinger, well, when one is different, one gets attacked quite often. The Pokémon in that cave have rather tough hides, so it pays to have a stronger, more powerful stinger. If I so desire, I can inject a small, but very powerful poison into an enemy’s bloodstream, that ironically freezes the victim’s blood-flow and stops all organs from operating. Don’t worry, I didn’t poison all the Gengar, just stabbed them a few times for good measure.” Shazaro added earnestly, after seeing the look on Heekali’s anxious face.

“Of course, it would have been no more than they deserve, and don’t worry, I didn’t inject the leader with quite enough poison to kill him, just knock him unconscious until someone warms him up a little.” he added carefully.

“Oh.” said Heekali, quite relieved. “So, er, you still haven’t told me about those.” he said, pointing to his long nails with a white paw.

“Ah,” said Shazaro, also looking at his odd deformality. “let’s just say I’m not very picky in the way of food. When there’s a limited amount of variety, you just eat what you can find…”

Heekali suddenly got an image form in his head of a thin, starved looking Shazaro, looking under rocks and digging in the ground for anything edible…but he quickly shoved such thoughts aside.

“So, what brings you here, why did you leave?” Heekali asked.

“You know, I’m no really sure why I left. Perhaps I felt the need to go off adventuring, or maybe I just wanted to get away from that place…” he said thoughtfully, then shrugged, leaving a rather awkward silence.

“So, why did you help me?” Heekali inquired, trying to break the odd moment.

“You needed help, and not everybody would seem so anxious to help one who is different.” Shazaro replied simply.

“I looked that pathetic?” mumbled the Vulpix.

“You looked beaten, not pathetic. You just didn’t feel the need to stop that gang, or continue living for that matter.” said the Gligar in a strong, determined voice. “And now, you still haven’t told me how you came to be here.” Shazaro finally said.

So the Vulpix told the Gligar about being born weaker than his siblings, becoming whiter and never growing his other tails, then being exiled to the harsh outside world.

“You’re story sounds no better than mine, worse if your own mother did nothing to stop them making you leave. And you don’t even seem upset about it.” the Gligar pointed out.

“I suppose I was too young to really understand what was going on at the time, so it’s just never bothered me.” Heekali said.

“Hmm, perhaps. Ah, well I think it’s about time we hit the road.” Shazaro finally said.

“We?” asked Heekali, clearly surprised that he, a mere child, could go with one of what seemed to the young Vulpix to be one of a much higher class than he.

“Of course, I couldn’t leave you all alone like this! Besides, I thought you wanted to be friends!” the Gligar exclaimed with a chuckle.

“Oh, you really mean it? I can really ‘hit the road’ with you, whatever that means?” he asked excitedly.

“Yup,” he replied, then added “and I once heard a human telling his Pokémon to. It means, ‘let’s go!’ I believe.” He said.

“Great! But, where will we go?” Heekali wondered. “Nobody wants to have a couple of ‘freaks’ around.” he asked, hanging his head dejectedly.

“Wherever we feel like, my young friend! To the highest mountain, in the deepest ocean, to the coldest wasteland, or to the hottest desert!” he said happily.

“Ok, as long as we don’t go into the ocean, we Fire-types don’t like the water.” Heekali said seriously.

“Hahaha! Don’t worry, we won’t go there if you don’t want to!” the Gligar shouted gleefully.




Claimer: I own Heekali and Shazaro, not to mention the Gengar gangsters.

~Psychic

Spirit_of_Auron
1st December 2004, 2:45 PM
It's really good so far, I've seen few to no errors and it's written quite well in the perspectives. I can't wait for the next chapters.

Psychic
1st December 2004, 9:15 PM
Yay, a reader! ^-^
Glad you like it Kas! I have no idea when the next Chapet will be up, nor do I have any ideas for the next Chapeter. Meh, I guess things'll just have to fall into place, but if you want to see a certain Pokemon in it, just say so!

~Psychic

Lady Myuu
1st December 2004, 9:37 PM
I've been trying to read some fanfics lately but none really kept my attention.

For some reason this one did and I enjoyed reading it. I can't wait to see more.

though :P you are at a lack of female freaks, but it is early in the story. Leave it to me to notice that.

Well yay vulpix! I'd take him... XD keep it up.

Elemental Charizam
1st December 2004, 10:34 PM
This is cool. Really original and it has a cool Gligar in it...

Keep it up!

Psychic
2nd December 2004, 2:10 AM
see Lady Myuu, I noticed that too, and I don't know why, and it has been driving me CRAZY! but soon two sisters will be introduced, though how and when I havn't a clue...
the thing about the 'Mutants' if you want to call them that, well, humans are intollerant, see? We always have been, and I'm sure that even in the Pokemon world in like, 1000 years, we still will be. Anyways, what kind of (tollerant) softie would want to own a freak, and be ridiculed and possible be beaten up? Nobody! They're not wanted by anyone (there are NOT my opinions, just how one of this time period may think, or even a Pokemon for that matter).

On a lighter note, YAY, ANOTHER MEWTWO LOVER, WHO'S ALSO FEMALE!!!!

Glad you also like it, Elemental Charizam, though it isn't all my idea, as I mentioned, I got the idea from Madam Dragonfree's sprites. But I'm glad you like Shazaro! Few people use Gligars in fic, and he...worked.

~Psychic

Lady Myuu
2nd December 2004, 3:15 AM
Well they may be seen as shinies, you know? and with different abilities like flight for the Grovyle could add for a advantage... I noticed in pokemon you kinda want the oddballs :P oh if you ever need ideas just PM me since you said you were having probs.

Anyway, yay I am a mewtwo fan XD oh and yay girls! :P Oh and yeah few people use poor old Gliger! I used him before I think @.@ oh well...

Giga Groudon
2nd December 2004, 5:17 AM
Wow this is an unusual story, but a good one at that. Mutations, huh? I wonder if all of them mutants are gonna meet up with each other and be friends. Their family and friends seem to be mean to them, even though they had no control over all this. I will keep reading as long as you keep writing.

Psychic
2nd December 2004, 10:57 PM
Wow this is an unusual story, but a good one at that. Mutations, huh? I wonder if all of them mutants are gonna meet up with each other and be friends. Their family and friends seem to be mean to them, even though they had no control over all this. I will keep reading as long as you keep writing.
Yay, more readers! Now I have 4! *grins*
I'm glad you also like it Giga Groudon, but like I said before, nobody is very tollerant. I pride myself in looking at the world, and life, slightly more different than others. You have to grab life by the tail and examine it like a lab rat (haha, grab by tail, lab rats are often mutated). Look at what you see every day and try to see it differently, in a new light. But meh, that's just me. Oh, and yes, a group of mutants will band together (not as a rebellion or anything). Oh, if you want to know along the lines I'm going, take out a book called 'The Chrysalids' from your local library. No, it's not a stupid, boring novel, it is SUCH a great book! But don't take my word for it, read it and judge it for yourself, cause I am not giving anyone a summary. (That can be found here→ Chrysalids Site (http://www.lowensteyn.com/litunits/chrysalids/outl.html) explore the site, but more importantly, READ THE ACTUAL BOOK!)
And Lady Myuu, Shinies are diferent, they're, well, I call it a 'glitch in the DNA'. A Shiny will appear in a later chapter, she will be prissy and rather snobby, and will be very condescending to the main characters. She'll say how shinies are much more 'special', and any trainer would die to have one. and she's just waiting to find the 'perfect human' to catch her. she won't hang around for long, mind you, so don't get too excited.
And sure, a flying Grovyle has advantages, but imagine; you're in the Elite 4, who pride themselved in fighting fairly, and one sends out a Gligar with the powers of an Ice type! So in a way, it has 3 types! Maybe none of your Pokémon can deal with that! But, if it's the Ice trainer, and the Pokemon mutated into part ice, it counts! Let's just say it's immoral, and collecting mutants isn't what training is all about.
Besides, soon Team Rocket, Magma or Aqua will get ideas; start purposely mutating Pokemon to be as strong as possible! and so, Pokémon cruelty begins! You can still build on this topic, and see for yourself where it goes.

~Psychic

astrangeone
3rd December 2004, 12:14 AM
Whoa! That's good, really good. The perpectives are written really well, with not too many mistakes in spelling and what not. I wonder if you could throw in a third person narration to make the intolerance of the "mutants" a little more obvious? Keep on writing....

I mean, like a scene written from the perpective of the another human/pokemon and how they feel. But maybe later in the story.

Psychic
3rd December 2004, 12:17 AM
A third person narration? *looks bewildered*.
The intollerance is not supposed to be too plain yet, and it is already written in third person *points*
But I'm still glad you like it!
Hmmm, that makes 1...2...3...4...5 readers! Yay!

~Psychic

Deoxys
4th December 2004, 4:09 AM
So Far, This Is The Only One I Like.......

Psychic
7th December 2004, 2:28 AM
Ladybas and Gengars, I am pleasesd to present to you...Chapter 2! Enjoy!



Chapter 2: ‘Tolerance is Rare’

The two friends walked happily along, not quite knowing where they were headed, but were sure wherever it was, they would find fun and adventure there. But as the Vulpix jumped and pranced about with newfound energy in the evening sun, and the Gligar hovered lazily over his head, they were oblivious to the green and brown blur that had been marking their every move for ten minutes.

“Hey Shazaro, can we take a break? I’m getting hungry.” the white Vulpix asked tiredly.

His companion smiled fondly at the innocent fox. “Of course, we’ll stop for awhile and find something to eat.”

So, the two set about looking for something to munch on. The creature in the trees watched the Vulpix search the ground and lower branches of the trees for anything edible, seeming to jump and let out a squeal every time it saw something it had never seen before. It also spied the blue Gligar fly up to look in the higher branches, and when it noticed this, it curled up into a tight ball for camouflage. Just in time too, for not a second later the Gligar flew past it in search of food, oblivious to the stalker in the trees.

Finally, the Gligar gave up and floated down to his nervous looking companion and showed him the few fruits he had found, and the Vulpix did likewise sorrowfully. They ate their meager meal in silence, and the Gligar said he would look again for something to eat. Then the Vulpix pointed to where the creature was watching.

“Hey Shazaro, what kind of fruit is that?” he asked curiously, pointing a white forepaw at it.

“Dunno, hope it isn’t poison though. I’ll go check it out, we can split it between us.” the Gligar replied thoughtfully.

It watched the blue Gligar approach, and looked for a stem of some sort to cut. The creature carefully watched the one called Shazaro look and thought he found what he was looking for; a small, thin part of a branch that looked a part of the creature. He was just about to cut the ‘stem’, but as his odd claw was about to slice it, the creature in the tree suddenly uncoiled itself and, with a hiss, used it’s long, green claws to slash at the Gligar. He was taken completely off guard, and tumbled to the ground, landing with a thump.

“Shazaro!” the Vulpix cried, eyes wide as the monster of the trees jumped off its branch and landed gracefully on the ground on two simple dark brown legs. The rest of its body was the same shade, as well as it’s two arms. It had a light yellow stomach, and what looked like leaves coming out of its back. Its face was pointed, like an aardvark’s, with two beady eyes and ears of similar shape of its leaves.

“Shazaro, get up!” The Vulpix whined, and was rewarded with a grumble from his friend.

“Hey, what was that f-” but the Gligar didn’t finish his question, for when he saw what the creature was, his eyes widened and he took an involuntary step back.

“H-how, w-w-why?” He stuttered. “B-but your kind-you don’t-how long?” he finally finished asked in an astonished voice.

The creature smiled sadly. “No, you would not expect one of my kind to take to living in trees.”

The fox looked from one Pokémon to the other. “What am I missing here?” he asked nervously.

The two looked at the Vulpix as if noticing him for the first time.

“Oh, right, sorry Heekali, you didn’t know. She’s a-“

“Sandslash.” the creature finished matter-of-factly in a feminine voice. “Lumerah the Sandslash. Well, I’m not really considered a Sandslash, anyways.” she said pointedly.

“Neither of us are really Vulpix or Gligar.” Shazaro replied bitterly.

“That is the way we are, I guess. You two were forced to leave your homes too, I suppose?” Lumerah asked inquisitively.

Heekali nodded. “I had to leave. Oh, I'm Heekali by the way, but Shazaro…well, he can tell you.” he finished lamely and took to biting his lower lip and keeping his eyes lowered.

Shazaro explained about where he had lived, and Heekali told her about himself shamefully, having taken an interest in a round pebble by his left paw.

Lumerah sighed. “I guess that’s how it is everywhere. I’m not surprised. Tolerance is rare nowadays.”

Her statement was followed by an awkward silence that made all three of them feel uncomfortable, and shift from one claw, or paw, to the other.

Being the curious fox he was, Heekali looked up from the pebble and broke the silence. “So, I’ve never seen a Sandslash before, what do they look like, and why are you different?” he asked anxiously in a tiny voice.

Lumerah’s head snapped around to look at him. “I,” she said matter-of-factly, “Was a ‘Normal’ Sandshrew, but I absolutely hated living underground, and preferred the surface, climbing the trees, the sun shining merrily on my face…” she stopped suddenly, and looked as if she had said too much. “Anyways, when I evolved, I was, well, different.” she said, indicating her deformalities.

Shazaro nodded. “You see, other Sandslashs’ skin is a much lighter brown colour, with white bellies. Their claws are colour-less, and the spikes they have on their backs are the dark brown of tree bark.” he explained to his companion sagely.

“The second I evolved, they knew I was different. My skin was the colour of their spikes, my belly a yellower shade. And my spikes, like leaves; same colour, same shape. My claws too, look like long, hardened blades of grass. So, they decided that, because I was not a Sandslash, I should not be able to live with them.” Lumerah explained sadly.

“No, they didn’t!” Heekali said horrorstruck.

“Oh yes they did, but it was worse than that. They forbade me from living on the ground. And so, I was forced to take to living in the trees. Living in the places I used to love, but have come to resent. Now that I have been banished, if anybody from my tribe sees me on the ground, no matter where, they have the right to slay me.” Lumerah said, grinning weakly.

“But that’s horrible! How, I mean, it’s just, terrible!” Heekali cried.

“But they did. Didn’t regret it one bit either.” she said bitterly, eyes hardening.

"So why're you on the ground now?" Heekali asked.

"We're about three days away from my tribe, and they didn't bother to even try and follow me. Besides, jumping from tree to tree is much faster than walking anyways." she replied, vaguely waving her claw in the opposite direction of the sun.

“Well then, er, you seem to be another one in need of company. Would you care to accompany us on our adventure?” Shazaro asked politely.

“That sounds like a nice idea, besides, what else am I to do with myself?” she asked thoughtfully as her eyes glazed over, as if he was asking her the meaning of Life.

“Er, nothing I suppose.” Shazaro replied with a confused shrug.

“Ok then, I’d love to!” Lumerah suddenly said happily, taking the pair completely off guard.

“Great, but the big question is, ‘do you know how to find food’?” Heekali asked her anxiously.

To this, the Sandslash grinned and instructed her new friends in the proper way to find food.



-_- No, it's not my best chapter, I'm really rather ashamed of it, but it will get better! comments are gladly appreciated!

Claimer: I own Lumerah. Enough said.

~Psychic

Giga Groudon
9th December 2004, 12:18 PM
It's a little too short for a chapter, but still good. I wonder how many of these mutants are going to be in this story.

As for that book, 'The Crysalids", I'll read it if it actually IS in my library. You see, my school has a library in it, but not a humungeous (is that how you spell it) one. I live in Orange, N.S.W., Australia (yes I know that that isn't anything anyone is interested in), and I never go to the town library, because I couldn't be bothered to do so. But believe me, if I do find that book, I WILL read it to find what interests you in it.

Psychic
9th December 2004, 10:40 PM
haha, yep, the crysalids is my new obsession! ^-^
In English NOW we have to make it into a project: build a Mutant, or give the book a Porlogue + new title/cover, or make a virtual museum, or make a board-game (my choice). Dunno why I just mentioned that, but yes... -_-'
Wait a sec, AUSTRALIA? ahh! is it nice there? how's the weather? 'Cause Canada is seriously COLD!
SWEET!
Yes, it was a short Chapter, that I found very rushed...

Ho-oh Lover
9th December 2004, 11:14 PM
Wow, this is really good, I'll be reading this one. *pulls out popcorn from back and starts eating it* popcorn? ^^

------ ;250;

bird_master
10th December 2004, 4:55 AM
Wow, this is a pretty good fic. I've never read any fics like it. I noticed a coupld spelling mistakes but very few. Now, I'm gonna say this, and you don't can pretty much just ignore it. But it doesn't seem likely to me that all these mutants would meet up. But that's just me. You could have different groups, 'cus then you wouldn't have to do so much in just one story-line. But like I said...

Psychic
10th December 2004, 9:59 PM
Meh, I've never really thought about having more than 1 group. plot, sure. group, nope. all well, I'll think about that...But, this group does not consist of every single mutant Pokémon onthe planet...
There will be a 'Good' VS Evil thing going on though...
and sibling rivalry! that'll be there too...
PS: Pics of the characters will be up soon! ^-^

~Psychic

Lady Myuu
10th December 2004, 10:14 PM
hmmm well it was a alright chapter, could use more discription here and there. Alot of talking. It seems all the weirdo pokemon are very accepting of each other and stuff, I find it a tad odd though.

You could use with a tad personality difference for some of them, if you don't mind me saying. They all seem a tad care free and 'oh who cares!'

there can be alot more emotion and drama, yeah your introducing characters but they seem to be a littght black and white to me.

Keep up the work though :P looking forward to more and the more your write the better your kills.

Psychic
10th December 2004, 10:38 PM
Well, they know little about Lumerah, and she was persecuted like them, and birds of a feather stick together, or something like that...besides, the more the merrier! (plus she knows how to find food^.^')
But isn't the question you should be asking be: Why did she first attack Shazaro, then suddenly become all calm?
Also, doesn't Heekali seem usually kinda nervous and unknowing? meh, I'll just go over it, and I will edit Chapter 2, just for you, Lady Myuu, how does that sound?

~Psychic

Psychic
10th December 2004, 10:58 PM
Yes, I have just corrected the chapter a good bit, so there!
Well, I tried to make Heekali seem the nervous type and Shazaro the wise type, and I hope I made it a bit more clear!
Ok, here's a pic of Kendar (http://www.vilhjalmur.com/butterfree/wingedgrovyle.png), brought to you and made by Dragonfree
and Lumerah (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/Lumerah.png), made by me.

~Psychic
PS: sorry for double posting :P

Insincerus
18th December 2004, 12:39 AM
Wow. I really like the sprites, Psychic. Did you do those, or Dragonfree? Ah, well. I really enjoy reading this. It is very different from other fan-fics, and I like that because I'm bored of the same old stuff. Great job! ^_~

I am starting to like Shazaro, because of his major differences as a Gligar. It is true, as you said before, putting a Gligar in a story is a rare occurrence. Even Magikarp appears more than it! But it worked wonderfully! Shazaro is the perfect type of role model for Heekali. BTW I loved that you actually remembered (unlike other people) that baby Vulpixes have one white tail when they are born. Most people overlook the Dex entries on the games.

If it isn't too much to ask, could you "fit" a misfit Larvitar? He might be very lonely, depressing, and defensive. I would like to say more, but I have to go. I'll PM you later this Larvitar's info.

Keep up the great work!!! 8)

Psychic
18th December 2004, 3:32 AM
Yay, glad you like it Tyraniter! ^_^
I only remembered that baby Vulpix have white tails from one of Dragonfree's sprites though, and I figured 'What if one Vulpix kept its single tail, and became white?' and hence, Heekali was born!
Shazaro's part was either going to be played by an 'Iced' Gligar, or a 'Leafed' Sandslash (who was later added in and became a she).
The sprites are not mine; Kendar is (and always has been) Dragonfree's, and I had Lumerah made for me. I had Ally 2K4 make Shazaro, but he had the wrong kind of claw-things (they're supposed to look like Wolverine's), but didn't turn out the right way. I could post him, if anyone wants to see.

~Psychic

Psychic
20th December 2004, 5:56 PM
*Whew!* Here is Part One Of Chapter 3. I don't have Part Two written yet, but I know what's going to happen, so it should be up shortly. Untill then, you won't really understand the title. Anyways, here is is, coments would be nice, but in the meantime, enjoy!



Chapter 3: Part 1: Omens

“…and these kinds of leaves are edible too, see, the long, pointy ones. They’re usually found a lot higher up, so they’re harder to get, but they taste the best. But you have to watch out for these ones over here, because they’re poison, and even touching them can make your skin all puffy.” Lumerah said, gesturing to a spiky, yellowish leaf. Heekali and Shazaro nodded in silent comprehension.

“Good, and now that that’s said and done, we can make a nice, spring salad. Meet you two back here, by this big boulder.” she added, pointing to the large boulder that rested within a ring of trees. She then scampered up higher on the tree she was climbing, higher and higher until her dark brown tail had disappeared.

“I’ll go and look for some of those berries Lumerah was talking about earlier.” Shazaro told Heekali.

“But what can I look for on the ground? I can’t climb trees or fly, and I don’t see anything she talked about around here.” Heekali pointed out tearfully.

“Hmm, well, on my travels I’ve seen edible roots that taste quite good. Try to find some of those.” replied the Gligar with a shrug, and took to the air.

Not long after, the three companions met up by the boulder and each dumped their findings in three separate piles.

Lumerah eyed her companion’s piles disapprovingly. “That’s all you two found?” she demanded furiously.

Trying to ignore her, Shazaro looked at the small group of roots Heekali had found. “Heekali, only half your roots are actually edible. The other half are either too covered in moss or are poison.” the Gligar pointed out, trying to suppress a sigh.

Upon hearing this, the Vulpix backed away from his pile and let out a squeak. “Oh no! Get them away, get them away!” he cried in dismay.

Using his claws, Shazaro quickly separated the bad roots from the good.

“Well, don’t just leave them lying around for anybeast to pick up!” Lumerah said angrily and set about burying the offending roots. Soil flew about her as the Sandslash went about digging a hole. Her outward appearance may have changed, but she was a still a Sandslash at heart, and her tunneling skills hadn’t seemed to weaken. So engrossed in her work was she that she hardly even noticed when her friends cried that there was dirt in their mouths.

Once she finished, Lumerah seemed a great deal calmer. “Well, what are we doing standing around staring at a filled up hole? Let’s eat!” Lumerah said.

“I’ll second that motion!” Shazaro declared, spitting out soil, and stabbed the nearest fruit with a claw, popped it into his mouth.

As the three piles of food steadily disappeared, so did the sun, bathing the trio in a beautiful ruby light that danced upon the leaves and the white Vulpix’s fur.

Lumerah sat in a low branch of an elm tree, allowing one leg to hang carelessly under her, swinging it back and forth lazily. Heekali lay on his back on the soft ground, paws in the air, watching her leg’s progress as if he were in a trace. Shazaro leaned against a nearby tree, watching the sun set over a sea of green that seemed to stretch out until the ends of the earth.

“You know, the Xatu believe when the sun is red like that, is means blood was or shall be spilt. They believe it is an Omen of darkness.” Shazaro said quietly, thinking back to one of his many adventures.

“Bah, the Xatu think everything is an Omen.” Lumerah replied with a snort.

“Oh? And what do you know about such things?” asked Shazaro.

“Humph! At least I know better than to believe everything a bunch of superstitious birds say!” she replied angrily.

Heekali became nervous listening to his two friends fight and finally summoned the courage to speak up. “Listen you two, it really doesn’t matter all that much. Let’s just try and get some sleep.” he said.

The Gligar and Sandslash glared at each other, but their faces soon softened.

“I suppose you’re right, Heekali. We ought to get some rest now, while we can. Who knows if we may get the time tomorrow?” Shazaro agreed.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Lumerah nodded. “You’re right, I guess. Goodnight you two.”

“Goodnight.” They repeated, each one trying to get as comfortable as they could.



“No! No, no, no, no, NO!” screamed a tiny, frightened voice that both Shazaro and Lumerah immediately recognized as they woke with a start.

“No, no! Away! Go away! Leave me alone!” screeched Heekali in his sleep.

Shazaro quickly flew over to the frightened fox. He was covered in sweat, with blades of grass attached to his sticky body, and he was tossing and turning as if trying to free himself of a Tangela’s grip. But before the Gligar could shake his friend awake, Heekali’s eyes snapped open.

“No! Make them go away! They’re here! Going to kill us!” He screamed in fright.

Upon seeing his friend, Heekali only panicked more. “Shazaro! No Shazaro! They’re here! Watching!” he moaned.

“Who’s here, Heekali? Who?” The Gligar asked, trying to sound calm, even though his heart was beating against his ribs so hard it hurt.

“Eyes!” he screeched at Demons only the fox appeared to be able to see. “Huge, staring eyes! Evil! Gonna kill me! Gonna kill us!” he wailed, and suddenly burst out crying.

Lumerah scampered over to the crying Vulpix and held Heekali, stroking his fur gently. “Shhh, there now, Heekali. We’re here now, you’re safe. Everything is OK now.” she said, forcing herself to speak as slowly as she could, though she wanted nothing more than to yell at the young one.

Heekali nodded slowly, looking a bit calmer, but tears were still flowing freely from his eyes, drenching his pale cheeks.

“There now, Shazaro and me will sleep right here, next to you, so you’ll be safe, OK?” she asked gently.

Heekali sniffed, then nodded. “I, I guess.” he said, closing his eyes, and soon nodded off to sleep.

His companions each let out a long, heavy sigh of relief. “At least now we can get some sleep.” Lumerah said softly, placing the sleeping Vulpix on the soft grass.

“Yes, goodnight, Lumerah.” Shazaro said quietly so as not to wake his friend’s sleeping form. Lumerah nodded and lay down near her two companions. “Night.” she replied softly.



Still needs work, I know. But guys, please tell me if the sunset part seemed nice and calm. I need coments if I am to get better! Spelling, grammer, description, whatever!

Disclaimer: I got the idea of the blood sunset from The Lord Of The Rings.

~Psychic

Lady Myuu
20th December 2004, 10:06 PM
hmm yeah I see improvement ^.^ though you didn't have to fix anything for little old me.

This chapter was interesting even though not much happened. Your style keeps me reading (which is good since I tend to get distracted easily)

Poor foxy poo @.@ I'd take him! :P I thnk he is my fav character at the moment. I like the scared sweet ones.

Psychic
20th December 2004, 11:26 PM
Great, glad you like my revisions *_~
“Here, you can have him” *shoves Heekali into Lady Myuu's open arms*
“Oh wait, I need him for part 2 of Chapter 3, sorry” *grabs Heekali back from Lady Myuu, who starts to cry*
Of course, everyone loves the lost, scared little ones, that’s what makes them so cute!
Yes, I did have to fix the Chapter 'just for little old you', though I think I overdid the nervousness part a bit...
And you guys still haven’t told me if the sunset part was good. I really need comments (so we can keep this thread alive)!

~Psychic

AzureFlygon
21st December 2004, 3:46 AM
This is certainly different.

I do like it so far. Considering that this kept my interest, which not much does nowadays, you can consider that a high bit of praise ^^

I like the Grovyle, but then Grovyle are my favorite Pokemon anyway. Ah, to fly...

Psychic
21st December 2004, 8:01 PM
This is certainly different.
I do like it so far. Considering that this kept my interest, which not much does nowadays, you can consider that a high bit of praise ^^
I like the Grovyle, but then Grovyle are my favorite Pokemon anyway. Ah, to fly...Yes, it seems everyone says that about this fic, probably because it has no plot untill Chapter 4, that is ^^;
I really wanted this to be a diferent fic, not at all about humans, but about Pokemon, which isn't what most people write about '.~
And I was actually inspired by Kendar's Sprite to like Grovyle, but I fear he doesn't have enough personality yet -_-;
Hooray, my first bit of (straightforward) praise! ;253;

~Psychic

Psychic
22nd December 2004, 7:56 PM
Yes, Part 2! Part 2 is the action, and part 1 is the warning. Anyways, here it is! Hope you all like it!


Chapter 3: Part 2: Omens and Death

When Shazaro woke up in complete darkness, this time it was not to the screams of his tiny little friend. It was much worse. Heekali and Lumerah were already awake and each one was on their paws, backing away from an unknown force from where the trees were closer together, from where the shadows hung beneath the closely standing trees.

“What?” asked Shazaro urgently. “What is it?”

“I don’t think that’s the right question for right now.” Lumerah hissed. “The question is, what are they?”

Shazaro turned to Heekali questioningly, who squeaked one single, frightened word in response. “Eyes!”

Shazaro looked closely into the shadows, but quickly regretted it, for he saw a sight that struck fear into his heart; a sight that he knew he would never forget in all his life. For it was as Heekali had said; eyes. Yet they were so much more than that; Evil, glinting, bloodshot eyes. Some were huge, bright blue ones that shone like Sapphires. Others were more plain, but no less evil-feeling. Every time an eye blinked, it would disappear and then reappear somewhere else.

“What is this unholy sight?” Shazaro asked through gritted teeth.

“Heh, heh! I toldj’a we’d be back! And we’ve invited a few friends over ta join us in yer destruction!” an accented, but familiar voice replied coldly.

“That’s right! I’m Batarek!” the Gengar said, stepping out of the shadows, allowing the moonlight to fall on the dark purple ghost. “I’m sure you two remember me! And it will be a pleasure to actually get to kill you two this time!” the Gengar gangster hissed, grinning evilly.

“Don’t you count me out of a fight!” Lumerah shouted, angry at having been ignored.

“I don’t remember you,” The Gengar replied coolly, “but I don’t care how many freaks I get to kill after those two!” he said, licking his lips.

“Why you pompous, arrogant little-” Lumerah hissed, clenching her fists in rage, holding back the urge to rip out the Gengar’s throat.

“Gengar, Banette, Sableye, attack!” the Gengar shouted gleefully as a huge mass of Ghosts surged forward in one, giant wave that crashed into the three friends, pummeling them unmercifully.

All three were suddenly struck, both physically and mentally. Each Ghost slashed and bit, the pain staying there for long periods after being hit. The Banette screeched in a deafening, high pitched voice that forced Heekali, Shazaro and Lumerah to cover their ears in unbearable pain.

One Gengar then tried to throw a punch at Lumerah, but she quickly slashed at it, gritting her teeth from having to remove a claw from covering her ear. She tried to slash it again, but this time the Gengar was too quick for her, and disappeared before her very eyes, only to reappear behind her, sending a wave of darkness into her back. She howled in pain, this time causing the Gengar to cover its own ears, giving the Sandslash enough time to curl up into a tight ball and ram the Ghost in the stomach, leaving it winded.

By this time, Shazaro too had gotten up and had taken to the air, dive-bombing Ghosts at random, then stabbing them with his long, scorpion-like tail, this time actually injecting the poison into each victim’s bloodstream. Each dive he made he seemed to dip down lower, and each time a Ghost tried to grab him by the tail, but each time he escaped unharmed.

Heekali, on the other hand, was still lying on the ground, covering his ears and keeping his eyes tightly shut. He opened them just a fraction, just in time to see one of the Ghosts with jewels for eyes to approach him, grinning nastily. He came up to the frightened fox, then smiled like the two were old friends. Heekali let out a sigh of relief, only to have the monster lick his face with a long, slimy green tongue! Heekali opened his eyes wide in shock, and tried to get up. The Ghost merely smiled, showing off large, bloody fangs, and darted off, joining a group that was trying to force Lumerah to uncoil herself manually. Heekali then realized how slowly he was moving, just to blink in astonishment or to inhale. He slowly, ever so slowly got up, as if the Legendary Celebi had slowed down time. In what felt like slow motion, Heekali tried to run to aid one of his friends, only to suddenly freeze in mid-stride, though the young fox was able to see that they were fighting a losing battle.

The Ghosts had finally managed to pry Lumerah open, taking turns firing balls of darkness at her poor figure, who seemed to be fighting merely to stay conscious. On one particular dive Shazaro appeared to have flown too low down, for he was now being crushed by many of the gray Ghosts, who were piling on top of him. Heekali was so immersed in watching his companions suffer that he didn’t notice Batarek until the gangster was right on top of him.

“Finally, I can have my revenge! Hahaha! Goodnight little freak!” he cackled, holding out his hands in front of him to form a great, glowing ball of shadows. Heekali turned to look at the Gengar in horror as he got ready to throw the ball of pulsating energy.

“Nobody’s gonna save you this time!” he hissed evilly, and was just about to release the dark sphere when a flurry of light green hit him in the side. He yowled in pain, and his connection with the dark ball diminished, so the sphere shimmered, then seemed to melt into the air.

He turned in the direction the attack had come from, and before he could say another word, a light green blur rammed him into a tree. Batarek’s attacker smiled at Heekali, whose eyes were wide with shock. He knew what kind of creature it was!

“Who dares-” the Ganger snarled, lodged in the tree’s trunk. He pushed himself out, barely noticing that he had left a rather ugly impression of himself in the oak's trunk.

“I do.” the Grovyle replied, baring his teeth. He turned to Heekali, nodding once, then attacked the Gengar with an almost savage will.

The other Ghosts turned to watch their leader fight with the Grovyle in silence, giving Lumerah and Shazaro the chance they needed to escape from their captors. They crawled over to the Vulpix exhaustedly.

“Who is that?” Lumerah asked, while a trickle of blood ran unchecked down from the corner of her mouth.

“I-I don’t know.” Shazaro replied, blinking his right eye twice to try to see better, because it had swelled up to the size of a pear.

Finally, the green creature halted his wild assault on the Gengar leader. He backed off, allowing a few of the crystal-eyed Ghosts to run to his side and help support him. Panting, Batarek looked up at his four adversaries. “Well, what are all you waiting for?” He screeched demandingly. “Attack them, you fools!”

The Ghosts once again charged the tiny group, but this time the Vulpix’s savior let out a cry, and met them head-on. The three remaining companions looked at each other meaningfully. The Grovyle appeared to have inspired Lumerah, for she nodded at her friends, then let out her own battle cry, and followed the Grovyle’s example. This time Shazaro looked at Heekali, and it was his turn to shout out, flying towards the mass of evil, leaving the fox to quickly do the same after letting out a halfhearted shout.

This time around though, the companions fought together. The trio stood back-to-back, slashing or biting or kicking or punching anybeast that got too close. Soon though, they got separated, but not even the fearful Heekali held back.

Shazaro quickly fought his way over to the Grovyle and quickly said, “I’m Shazaro, thanks for rescuing my friend.”

“Kendar,” the Grovyle replied through gritted teeth. “flying Grovyle, at your service.” he added hastily as he jumped to avoid a wave of shadows from hitting his feet.

“Great,” Lumerah muttered, having joined then, slashing and hacking along the way. “Care to join us if we get out of here alive?” she asked, jumping as she narrowly avoided four well placed swipes from a nearby Sableye.

“I…suppose…so!” Kendar replied, blocking a few swift kicks from a Gengar, then delivering his own to the Ghost. He then ran off, charging a Banette who was trying to escape from the battle.

It soon seemed that both sides were equally matched, since everyone was beginning to tire. Lumerah noticed this as she kicked dirt into the eyes of a panting Banette. She looked over to where Shazaro was holding a Sableye with one pincer and using the claws on the other to slash it. She looked him right in the eye, and gave him a curt nod. He nodded back and let go of the Sableye, pushing it into a nearby Gengar as he flew over to Heekali’s side, seemingly to help him fight an oversized Sableye. She tried to catch the eye of the Grovyle, but he was too busy smashing the skulls of two Gengar together to notice.

She let out a heavy sigh. Then in the loudest voice she could, she shouted above the din, jumping up as high as she could in the process, “Earthquake!” and slammed her two feet on the ground as hard as she possibly could. Shazaro quickly grabbed Heekali by his forepaws and launched himself into the air, and Kendar quickly followed the Gligar's example. Just as they took off, a huge tremor in the earth knocked most of the Ghosts off their feet, and soon, chaos ensued. Gengar tripped over Banette, and Sableye walked into each other in their haste to escape from the battle.

During this time, the Sandslash had been rooted to the spot for a few seconds, as if paralyzed. She quickly got over it though, as she saw Kendar fly overhead, closely followed by Shazaro who was struggling to carry Heekali. They were trying to get away from the battle while their attackers were confused. She ran off in the same direction as them, hoping desperately the sun would rise soon, since she knew that the Ghosts would have to run off and rest in the shadows until the sun set.

However, Batarek had finally calmed the others down, and was telling them something inaudible to Lumerah’s ears. She chanced a look back, and saw that they were all huddled up together, and realized in horror that they were creating a huge, black aura, that rose up, up into the late night sky. It blocked the light of the stars and the moon, seeming to cover up the entire sky, the entire Earth; a great black Omen of Death.

Shazaro and Kendar had stopped, for it was futile to try to outrun it, especially while they were already exhausted from the battle. She caught up to them, and stood, facing the great Evil shadow together.

Heekali looked up at it fearfully, Shazaro stared in silent awe, Lumerah glared at it angrily and Kendar watched it defiantly; but each one knew, no matter how much they wanted to deny it, that they were staring Death in the face.


Claimer: I own the huge shadow; the attack 'Haunting Shadow'.

~Psychic

LugiaMew
23rd December 2004, 8:42 PM
Wow! this is a cool fic!
You can use my mutations:

Steelguard. A persian with grey tabby markings, no jewel on his forehead and 2 steel spikes on the end of his straight tail. He is very protective of small mutants, because of his terrible past.

Skysweeper. A swablu with eagle wings. She can fly higher than an Altaria, and while flying, looks for predators that might hurt her friends.

Golbat-Queen
23rd December 2004, 9:07 PM
Wow this is great!

Pokla ;158;:The Holly and The Ivy....

me:WE HAVE ALLREADY SUNG THAT 100000000000000000000000 TIMES!!!!!

Hammy ;212;:Let's sing We Three anoying Totodiles get made sure that they get locked up...

Psychic
26th December 2004, 2:20 AM
Cool, 2 more readers! ^.^
Um, LugiaMew, I'll think about your 2 Mutants, 1 problem is that I use made up names, so you can either mix the letters, or...dunno. But they are pretty cool!

~Psychic

LugiaMew
26th December 2004, 12:58 PM
Ok.
Steelguard is now- Betran
Skysweeper is now-Sykela

Insincerus
27th December 2004, 3:54 AM
Can't wait for your next chapter, Psychic. The mutant Pokemon are getting even better. I still can't believe what an original idea you came up with for this story. You know, most people want to see "cool" and powerful Pokemon, or the obvious stuff. Yours is different from the others, because it's better!

Keep up the magnificent work.

Psychic
2nd January 2005, 12:46 AM
Thanks a bunch, Tyranitar! ^_^
LugiaMew, I will probably use the Persian, maybe not the Swablu. Sorry!
Next Capter will be up soon!

LugiaMew
10th January 2005, 9:21 AM
That's ok, I don't mind. Betran is a bit of a loner. He's also older than any of the other mutants. That's all the info I'm giving you. The rest is up to you!

(If you didn't notice, I've put some other info on my first post in this thread.)

Psychic
10th January 2005, 10:26 PM
Ok, that's perfect, LugiaMew, I'm almost positive that Betran will appear later on, though I think Shazaro might be a bit older. I'm not really sure about age in this fic (except that Heekali is for sure the youngest) so it may not matter, so I may or may not add that in.
Of course, you understand that I may have to torture him a bit, just so he'll fit in better. So, he'll suffer so as not to suffer! (I will have many more sentances like that in Chapter 4.) (Oh, and I've changes it so Chapter 3, Part 3 is now it's own Chapter, because it'll be pretty long with major plottyness!)
Expect the next Chapter very soon, people!

~Psychic

LugiaMew
12th January 2005, 9:59 PM
Yeah, I'll PM you a rough Idea of what his history is like. It's quite sad :(

Psychic
13th January 2005, 12:44 AM
Ok, I really liked what you've got for him, LugiaMew. I'm keeping all your ideas, may chage the name of the other...you know (don't want to spoil anything for anyone else).
Ok, guys, there's one thing that's been bothering me like heck, and it's pronounciation. I am going to help you pronounce most of the character's names. Now, each dash (-) means it's a seperate syllible, and if a syllable is in italic, it is the stressed syllable.
Kendar: ken-dar
Heekali: hee-kaw-lee
Shazaro: sha-zha-row (row as in row your boat)
Batarek: bah-taw-reck
Lumerah: loo-mher-ah (mher as in mére, french for mother)

All other characters will recieve the name thing ( ^ )
Here is a Heekali (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/Heekali.png) sprite
Another character sprite will be up soon, after she is introduced. And I'm around 1/3 done the chapter, and it's a very important one, with few answeres and even more questions. As I said, muchos plottyness here. I thank you for your patience, and it will be rewarded soon.

~Psychic

Psychic
20th January 2005, 3:53 AM
Well, here it is (finally)! Enjoy, comments are gladly appreciatd!


Chapter 4: The Messenger

The four outcasts stared up at the great mass of darkness that was descending upon them. Not a word was said between them as they waited with heavy hearts for Death to take its miserable toll. The great shapeless shadow spread wide its welcoming arm-like wings, as if to provide the misfits with eternal peace; no more pain, no more suffering, no more anguish. The companions wondered hopefully if perhaps this creature was their savior, when suddenly, it opened its eyes.

They were staring into a void of darkness, twin pools of agony and misery. They didn’t show them the eternity of peace, but the opposite, and they knew with their entire beings that it was a monster of pure Evil as they watched the purple, flaming eyes of torment.

In one, swift moment the shadow swept at them, and all they could do was watch and await the endless pain that they knew would soon descend upon them. Each wondered how it would feel to be swallowed up by the dark mass. Each could see their pasts fly by their mind’s eye.

Then, out of nowhere, it seemed, there was a bright light. A blinding light. The companions squeezed their eyes shut to block out its brilliance.

‘So, this is death,’ Shazaro thought as the light burnt through his eyelids. ‘I feel no pain, only…hope.’ He mused, wondering if perhaps this would be his last thought.

His friends felt it too, but it was soon accompanied by something else. As the light died down, and the travelers opened their eyes, they felt as if they were the exact opposite of dead, they were more alive than ever before. Where they were, they did not know, for all it was, was empty space. They were floating side by side in a line within a void of white light that extended until the ends of the universe, and it seemed to blind them from seeing anything more.

“What is this place?” Lumerah asked finally, looking around.

“We are nowhere, and yet we are everywhere.” A grand, feminine voice replied. It seemed to echo, both in their minds and in their surroundings, even though it seemed that there was nothing for the sound to bounce off of.

Suddenly, out of nowhere at all, a beautiful, humanoid shape appeared in front of the companions’ very eyes. She seemed perfect; from the top of her Sapphire blue hair down to the bottom of her aqua, gown like body.

“Is that r-r-really p-possible?” Heekali stuttered nervously.

“Apparently,” Lumerah muttered under her breath.

“Who are you?” Demanded Kendar, staring up at the being. He shot Lumerah a warning glance.

As the beautiful creature turned to look at him, he watched how her entire body seemed to flow continuously, like a river. Her eyes shone with an inner flame that looked as if it would never go out, and they wore an expression of hope. As she looked closely at him, the Grovyle felt as though they were boring into him, reading his mind and seeing his very soul.

“I, am Shinari. Messenger of the Greater Good.” She said, with an elegant bow.

“What are you?” The wide eyed fox asked, mystified.

Shinari gazed at him and smiled kindly, with her eyes. “Dear Heekali, I am,” she paused, seeming to build up the drama, “a Gardevoir!” she cried, and from her back burst two magnificent, light blue wings, like that of an Articuno, that sparkled and shone like two diamonds in the sun.

There was a silence in which the companions watched the Gardevoir in awe as they wondered why they had been brought to this place.

“Shinari,” Shazaro asked slowly, “are we…” his voice trailed off as he couldn’t find the courage to go on.

“No, you are not dead. The Haunting Shadow was not quick enough to kill you, for I teleported the four of you here, a moment before impact. Though the ghosts do believe you to be dead.” She replied gently.

“So, where is here?” Lumerah asked, temper rising.

Shinari eyed the Sandslash sternly. “As I said before, we are nowhere, yet we are everywhere,” she repeated.

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” She pressed stubbornly.

“This place does not exist, yet it is more real than any place on Earth.” Noticing Lumerah shaking with rage, the Gardevoir closed her eyes, as if in deep thought. “I was in quite a hurry to find a safe place to take all of you, and this was the quickest thing to do in such a situation, so I created this place, though it does not actually exist. I did not give it exact co-ordinates, so it simply exists, but only to us. When we leave, it will basically disappear from existence.”

She let the companions digest this information as she opened her eyes and stared at nothing in particular.

“A safe place? Wouldn’t just about anywhere away from those ghosts be safe?” Kendar asked pointedly turning to his companions for support.

Shinari shook her delicate head sadly. “No, you do not understand, there is a terrible Evil, that nobeast is safe from.”

“Wh-what do you mean, terrible Evil?” Heekali squeaked in fright.

“I-” Shinari began, “no, now is not the place. Time is not on our side at the moment.” She said, wide eyed. She turned to the four companions with a grave look plastered on her face.

“Know only that this Evil will attempt to catch you in its net of darkness, and if it traps just your paw, you will fall to your doom. There is only one place where you may live in peace in happiness. It is a paradise in which you will no longer be persecuted by those who take pride in calling themselves the Norm. Alas, I can not take you there, and the path is one filled by many dangers.” The Gardevoir explained this with such sorrow in her voice that her audience felt as though there was little hope for them, even in a place where hope seemed in abundance.

The group took a little while to digest this information, each lost in their own doubtful thoughts. ‘Is this Gardevoir really who she says she is? Is there really an Evil that threatens us all?’ Kendar mused. ‘Can I ever find a place where I’ll be safe, from all the teasing and sadness and pain? What if we don’t find the place in time?’ Worried Heekali. ‘Do I dare trust her? She doesn’t give very straight answers, and we don’t know is she’s lying. And yet, she saved us…’ Lumerah argued with herself. ‘Will the going be too rough for us? Can we avoid the Evil and dangers of our path?’ Shazaro wondered, his mind made up.

“So where is this safe place of yours? Does it have a name? Does it even exist?” Lumerah questioned, sneering.

The Gardevoir, with skin so smooth it seemed to be carved from clay, turned to the battered and bruised Sandslash. “I can not say,” She replied sadly, causing Lumerah’s sneering face to bear a look of triumph. “for if I do…it would be wiser if I did not say,” she added, seemingly distressed.

“So then how will he know-“ Began Kendar, only to be cut off by a wave of the Gardevoir’s elegant hand.

“I can not tell you directly.” She corrected, as if reading the Grovyle’s mind.

Before anybeast could ask why, Shinari closed her eyes, as if in deep concentration, and said if a soft, but clear voice:

“Explore for the tree that stands quite alone,
Of its wisdom upon you it will hone.
As the wind becomes colder, and blue sky turns to blood,
And the ground below settles; soil and mud.
The sky points the way, where the sharp scythe cuts deep,
To a watery river, of secrets it does not keep.
At the day’s birth, you may plainly see,
Just keep the sun at your graceful dextree.
Look as far as you can, longer than a sword sheath,
Search for eternity until you spot its teeth.
As lively as a daisy, or as coarse as yeast,
You must pass quickly through the belly of the beast.
At last you will find a magnificent ocean of fire,
Do not stop at the haven, for the flames won’t perspire.”

Before another question could be asked, the Gardevoir opened her eyes and gave each companion a special smile, each one was filled with hope and reassurance. Then she nodded once, made one final bow, then crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“May luck be with you!” She cried out, and in one graceful movement, uncrossed her arms, and spread them towards the skies that seemed invisible, her glimmering wings embracing the heavens. The outcasts felt a sudden sensation of being nonexistent, following by another blinding light, causing them to cover their eyes in pain, and suddenly, they were racing at speeds unimaginable, traveling to a destination unknown to them…


Disclaimer: Dragonfree created Shinari (or at least the sprite). The Chessire Cat wrote the poem, which turned out beautifully! Thanks, Chessy!

~Psychic

Noelor
20th January 2005, 6:01 PM
ooh, mystic!
i just read through your fic after following your sig, its a very original fic and you have written it very well. this new chapter was full of... eeriness? something like that anyway, its very good whatever it is. i dont review very well, or so im told... so il just leave you with my hopes for the continuation of this great fic (man that sounded stupid, ah well)
keep it up!

-DC

Psychic
21st January 2005, 2:42 AM
Thanks Noelor, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, thoug I'm not sure if you mean that you read everything so far or not. x_x
Your review is nice and to the point, but if I messed up on something, you don't tell me what it is ^-^. Maybe that's what your reviews lack?
This Chapter is where the story starts to take off, bringing on the beggining of the plot. It is where a very important character is introduced, bringing few answers and more questions.
I too hope that the 'continuation' of my fic becomes better known, and maybe I'll get more inspirations for it over the next little while. As for the next Chapter...that should be up...sooner or later.

~Psychic

Noelor
21st January 2005, 10:42 PM
yeah, i read it all the way through, and as far as i can tell there arent any errors... sorry if i confused you, some people tellme im too critical so thats why i didnt do a full review... but other than slight personality developement issues (which youve already addressed, or at least discussed) i dont really see anything to be critical about...
whatever, sorry and keep it up!

-DC

LugiaMew
23rd January 2005, 6:47 PM
Hmmm.......
Very good.Very good indead (sorry for the pun ^_^;; couldn't resist)

I can PM you of how I think Betran should come into the fic.In fact, I will!!

Lemony Snicket
23rd January 2005, 7:18 PM
You have an interesting story on your hands, Miss. It is of course, much better than my series, and I must say that it is also quite original. The poem really caught my eye. Mutant Pokemon is exactly the thing that sets this story apart from others. I can feel their journey beginning to get deeper. Keep up the good work, but I must now go and play my accordian.

With all due respect,
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v618/Tyranitar/snicketsig.bmp

Psychic
23rd January 2005, 10:31 PM
LugiaMew: That'll be great, can't wait to hear what you have to say! Looking forward to it! ^-^
Lemony Snicket: I am positive I know you from somewhere...then again...meh, I have no proof...too many denials, and reverse psychology...darn...I'll stop talking now.
It may be awhile 'till the next Chapter, so don't get too exited.

~Psychic

LugiaMew
26th January 2005, 9:35 PM
Er......
I've already PM'd it to you...

Psychic
28th January 2005, 1:04 AM
Er......
I've already PM'd it to you...
Yea, I know, LugiaMew, maybe you hadn't sent it to me when I posted that. Anyways, not sure if I already told you, but I'm not sure about introducing Betran that way. The ghosts won't be coming back, because they think that Heekali, Shazaro, Lumerah and Kendar are dead (from the Haunting Shadow attack). They're not going to chase those they killed now, are they?
Oh, and I wanted to point out a few statistics about that attack:
Attack Name: Haunting Shadow
Attack Type: Ghost
Power: N/A, getting hit by this attack causes instant death
Power Points: 1
Accuracy: 100%
Description: When a large group of ghost Pokémon get together, they can combine all their energy into one, gigantic shadow that will destroy everything in its path. Few have seen this attack performed and many wonder if it is merely a rumor.

Just wanted to show you so as better to understand what happened to the gang.

~Psychic

purest divinity: kikyo
29th January 2005, 2:18 AM
Haha, nice. The characters are slowly unfolding, though sometimes they change drastically.Oh and the poem, very nice. Souns like something I'd get from .//hack, (It's a fun game..the poem reminds me of the Epitaph of twilight.) mixed with a bit of The Words of Red Moon. (from Wolf's Rain. .//hack and WR is my fave anime/game. o_o;; -currently searching for the WR box set with the soundtrack and plushie.- BONES is a good company. :3 Words of the red moon foretell the paradice that only wolves can open..look it up on google, I'm busy reviewing!) Anyways I really like it! I look foward to more from you. Maybe I'll re-make my old fic. >:3 But I'll wait untill you finish, I don't want to take attention away from your fic? o.O;;

Blue Aurora
29th January 2005, 4:58 AM
It's a good story, one could say that it is the novel version of Fusion Fighters--the only exception is that the Pokemon have (naturally) mutated and they were not created by man. Oh, and could you please have this character:

Draco:
Draco was once a happy teenage Onix, until one day he wandered too close to a lab furnace deep in the forest. He fell into a giant vat of liquid adamantium...and he became an adamantium Steelix! He was impervious to fire and was amazingly agile, presumably he gained his agility from the heat energy.

LugiaMew
29th January 2005, 3:24 PM
Ok Psy. You could change a few bits in that intro part. I'll PM ya Betrans personality so you can work out how he'll fit into the fic.

Blue Persian
29th January 2005, 10:35 PM
Great Fanfic Psycic can't wait for the next chappy!

Psychic
30th January 2005, 3:57 PM
Haha, nice. The characters are slowly unfolding, though sometimes they change drastically.Oh and the poem, very nice.
Glad you enjoy reading it, though the poem isn't mine. I asked someone to make it for me...


Souns like something I'd get from .//hack, (It's a fun game..the poem reminds me of the Epitaph of twilight.) mixed with a bit of The Words of Red Moon. (from Wolf's Rain. .//hack and WR is my fave anime/game. o_o;; -currently searching for the WR box set with the soundtrack and plushie.- BONES is a good company. :3 Words of the red moon foretell the paradice that only wolves can open..look it up on google, I'm busy reviewing!)
o.O wow, no idea what you're talking about, but I'll look it up.


Anyways I really like it! I look foward to more from you. Maybe I'll re-make my old fic. >:3 But I'll wait untill you finish, I don't want to take attention away from your fic? o.O;;
Heheh, nonsense, you won't take away any attention from lil'ol' me!


Oh, and could you please have this character:
Draco:
Draco was once a happy teenage Onix, until one day he wandered too close to a lab furnace deep in the forest. He fell into a giant vat of liquid adamantium...and he became an adamantium Steelix! He was impervious to fire and was amazingly agile, presumably he gained his agility from the heat energy.
I would put him in, but all the Mutations in this fic mutated naturally, so Draco won't be able to fit in, sorry! (And I never use real names, only made up ones.)

LugiaMew: ok, that'd be terrific, anticipating it! What could I change in the intro? Please tell me!

Blue Persian: Hooray! Another reader! Though I'm afraid the next Chapter will take awhile to do...

~Psychic

LugiaMew
30th January 2005, 5:19 PM
You could change the ghosts,make them into Betrans brothers, I dunno, something that makes him angry or something.
I'm working on the personality. One clue: He's like a father to Heekali

Psychic
31st January 2005, 3:26 PM
You could change the ghosts,make them into Betrans brothers, I dunno, something that makes him angry or something.
I'm working on the personality. One clue: He's like a father to Heekali
Yes, I suppose so...but then again, why would they be attacking Heekali? But meh, I had an idea of how he should be introduced, and it was quite diferently. I think I can handle the personality bits, it'll be interesting to work with.
I wouldn't say that, more like an older brother (who is extremely overprotective), but I did get that idea when you said how protective Betran is.

~Psychic

LugiaMew
31st January 2005, 10:15 PM
Ok. please PM me your idea of how he should come in to the story.

And: Heekali could 've stumbled into their secret hidout, where they have a secret organisation that wants to rid the world of mutants That's just an idea, you don't have to use it.

Psychic
2nd February 2005, 4:36 AM
Ok. please PM me your idea of how he should come in to the story. Um, I'm not exactly sure yet, because it'll be much later ^^; but I will PM you when I get a stroke of...idea.


And: Heekali could 've stumbled into their secret hidout, where they have a secret organisation that wants to rid the world of mutants That's just an idea, you don't have to use it.
Er, that has a tiny bit to do with something else, so I'm not using it for that. Pokémon just don't form into organizations like that. You won't usually see diferent Pokémon being together, just because they don't like mingling. (Unless you count, say, Swellow eating Caterpie.) Don't worry about it too much, ok?

~Psychic

LugiaMew
2nd February 2005, 4:57 PM
I sorta meant just the brothers.^^;; Dun' worry, I realise I made a tiny mistake.

Psychic
3rd February 2005, 11:36 PM
Meh, don't worry about it, everyone makes mistakes! I'm sure that we'll clear it all up in the end, so don't give it a second thought!
Oh, and here is a sprite of Lumerah (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/Lumerah.png) that I did all by myself! ^-^
Currently working on Chapter 5, will finish...eventually.

~Psychic

LugiaMew
6th February 2005, 10:37 PM
I can co-write, if you want. :)

Psychic
7th February 2005, 4:30 AM
^^ Oh, no thanks LugiaMew, it's a nice offer, but I want to try this on my own, and I have a lot planned out, and trying to tell you...will be...difficult. And trust me, you do not want to see what's in my head. Just ask Tyranitar and mayonayz.

~Psychic

Chibi Pika
10th February 2005, 2:48 AM
About a month ago, I skimmed the first chapter and ever since then, your fic has been stalking me and poking me infinitely while chanting, "reeeaaad meeee." X3
Well, I finally got around to it, I must say, I love the originality. Mutant Pokémon are so cool to write about, too bad all of mine were man-made...*coughRazorscough* Anyways, with that one chapter with the Gardevoir, I really liked the foreshadowing and the plot-ishness. A couple grammar errors here and there, but not too many...Very cool so far, I'll be sticking around ;)

~Chibi~;249;

Umbrazard
10th February 2005, 6:42 PM
Hello Psychic. i've been stalking Chibi to quite a few Fan-fics, and that's how I found yours. I've read the first three chaps, and Im about to read the 4th. i just thought I'd do this laready though.
My Review.

Grammer/Spelling~ I saw quite a few mistakes, don't worry about it though Commas are my enemy. Just ask SilverBlaze09 (7/10)
Plot ~ Doesn't really appear to be one yet, I like whats happened so far though (8/10)
Characters~ Very original, it's not the first fic I've read with mutants CoughLegendarianChroniclesgaspwheeze, but it's the first where the mutants are naturally occuring. (10/10)
Length~ Could be a lil longer, but me likes (9/10)
Descripton~ Juuust right, not too much, not too little (9/10)
Overall~ ;006;.;248; (8.5/10) Good Job!

~umbra;197;

Psychic
11th February 2005, 2:26 AM
^^; My fic? A stalker? *scolds fic* Stalking is an evil thing to do. Hmm, my fic, inserting subliminal messages into the minds of innocents? o.O Not good.
Anyways, I'm glad you like it, Chibi, I like your fic too, so far. (Sorry I haven't posted yet, I'm not anywhere near done. I promise that I'll write a long review when I finish, though. [Your chapters are long.]) it's funny, because a long time ago, I also skimmed through the Prologue and Chapter One of your fic. o.O Weird.
Grammer errors? Where where where?!? *shakes Chibi Pika* eherm, sorry. Still, proud to have such a terrific author reviewing my fic. ^-^
Yes, stick around, because this fic only gets jucier.

And Umbrazard, as proud as I am to see you reviewing, stalking is still bad. *scolds Umbrazard*
Hmm, bad spelling? You too, huh? Tell me where! *shakes Umbrazard* eherm, can’t always control myself.
Yes, plot is hiding at the moment, so you’ll just have to wait until it stops being shy and comes out within the next…bunch of Chapters.
Yup, take muchos pride in the characters, because they’re very important. *nods* A ten outa ten?! NO WAY! *is excited* YAY! I DID SOMETHING RIGHT! *dances around like a drunk Rabbi at a Wedding*
I hate long chapters, (because I have a short attention span,) so I keep them short and simple. ^-^
Yes, my descriptions aren’t too short or too long, and that’s why I like ‘em. I may not be a huge fan of the way I write, but... it works for me and for most readers.
8.5/10! Not bad! ^-^ I don’t suck! Hooray!
~Psychic

Chibi Pika
11th February 2005, 2:37 AM
^^; My fic? A stalker? *scolds fic* Stalking is an evil thing to do. Hmm, my fic, inserting subliminal messages into the minds of innocents? o.O Not good.

it's funny, because a long time ago, I also skimmed through the Prologue and Chapter One of your fic. o.O Weird.
Lol, weird o.o; heh, well, I usually don't...rememebr when I see grammar errors. I just see them, know that it's wrong, and then forget two paragraphs later XP Lol, and I, too, often click on fics simply because they've been posted in by people I know ^^

Anyways, I'm glad you like it, Chibi, I like your fic too, so far. (Sorry I haven't posted yet, I'm not anywhere near done. I promise that I'll write a long review when I finish, though. [Your chapters are long.])
Lol, yeah, LC is teh long ficcy, but thanks for reading!

~Chibi~;249;

Psychic
15th February 2005, 3:10 AM
Lol, weird o.o; heh, well, I usually don't...rememebr when I see grammar errors. I just see them, know that it's wrong, and then forget two paragraphs later XP Lol, and I, too, often click on fics simply because they've been posted in by people I know ^^

Lol, yeah, LC is teh long ficcy, but thanks for reading!

~Chibi~;249;
Meh, I remember is either Chap 1 or the Prologue or your fic you spelled had as ahd or something. Meh, all well. And it is so long that my attention keeps on slipping. I think I'm on Chapter 3 or 4. x_x
Oh, so it hasn't been stalking you? *unscolds fic* All well!

Anyways, I just realized that I sould post the Shinari thingies, so here we go:
First, a sprite of Shinari (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/Shinari.png), made by the very talented Draonfree. All copywrites to her!
And pronounciation (remember, italics is the stressed syllable, and -'s seperate syllables)
Shinari: Shee-naw-ree (shee as in she went to a movie)

Well, that's about it, untill the next chapter, I think. That sould be up...whenever.

~Psychic

Kiyohime
25th February 2005, 3:34 AM
Thank you for referring me here! ^0^ It's simply wonderful, and original. Original is my favorite recipe. So is creativity.

My favorite character is Kendar, simply because I have a thing for Archaeopteryxs and he reminds me of one, vaguely.

The only errors I noticed were some spelling, so I suggest you use a spellcheck. Also, don't capitalize pronouns after a dialogue, it isn't neccessary. ^^

Your description could use a little plumping up, but that's just me. Even so, it would still be fine the way it is right now.

I will be looking forwards to more chapters. *adds this to her ever-growing list of fanfictions to follow*

..::Scrap::..

Psychic
27th March 2005, 5:26 PM
Ok, I have a few announcements:
a) HUGE improvements have been made to all four chapter, in both the description and grammer areas, making the fic in general look much cleaner
b) my writers block is just starting to clear, so you'll be happy to know that chapter 5 is coming along quite nicely, though it may end up being somewhat of a filler chapter x_x
c) Blue Aurora, you may be pleased to know that I will be including Draco later on, but first you should give him a made-up name and tell me what liquid adamantium is. ^^;

Remember, if anyone has any suggestions considering new characters, places or future events, feel tree to post them!

~Psychic

Kiyohime
27th March 2005, 8:17 PM
I've got a lot of random ideas floating around in my head, but I don't think you'd want them (too grotesque.)

But I am glad to see you are out of your writer's block. ^^

..::Scrap::..

Torchic_EX
2nd April 2005, 6:07 AM
I like this fic. I'll try to think of a character. Maybe I should use one of the Mutations I got on Nintendo.com...

QuietLugia
2nd April 2005, 10:40 PM
Hi! It's Me: LugiaMew!
One more idea for Beltran

He was supposed to be the next one in line for leader of the 'Tribe'. The 'tribe' is a group of Persians and Meowths that live together, like lions do in the real world. But, being a mutant, he lost that. It went to his sister that..... Well, Psychic knows ;)

You don't have to use that. Just an idea..... Again.

Psychic
3rd April 2005, 5:29 AM
I've got a lot of random ideas floating around in my head, but I don't think you'd want them (too grotesque.)

But I am glad to see you are out of your writer's block. ^^

..::Scrap::..
^-^ I'm alkways open to new ideas, and considering that there will be a few deaths here, not all that pretty, I think you can post what you would deem appropriate for most ages.

Writer's block isn't leaving so fast, I'm afraid, at a stump, unless you'd like to help me?


I like this fic. I'll try to think of a character. Maybe I should use one of the Mutations I got on Nintendo.com...
^-^ Glad you enjoyed it!

Got on Nintendo.com? *raises eyebrow* Sure, if it's relitively original. I'm basing many characters off sprites, now trying to get these sprites from any willing spriter out there!


Hi! It's Me: LugiaMew!
One more idea for Beltran

He was supposed to be the next one in line for leader of the 'Tribe'. The 'tribe' is a group of Persians and Meowths that live together, like lions do in the real world. But, being a mutant, he lost that. It went to his sister that..... Well, Psychic knows ;)
You don't have to use that. Just an idea..... Again.
0.0 Why is everyone changing names on me? This isn't fair!

*cough* Anyways, Me likey the new idea, 'tis cool. I'm sure I can incorporate it when Beltran is introduced, whenever that is.

Ack, but I'm sure you're all tired of me putting off the next chapter, but I'm all dried up! *crawls around, crying out for water*
I'll just give it what I got, and Edit it later.
Time to put on some Enya! *turns on CD player to 'Anywhere Is', then gets back to work*

~Psychic

Torchic_EX
6th April 2005, 3:57 AM
Um I'll describe the Torchic mutation...
Name:Cobalt
Color:Cobalt
Weird stuff that's not supposed to be on its body:Angel wings.

The sprites can't be original they were made for me. I requested.

Blue Persian
6th April 2005, 1:45 PM
Hi Pychic!

I love your story and OH NO!

*Gives you water!*I may have some Ideas and sprites but there all mixes!:(

QuietLugia
6th April 2005, 8:15 PM
Soz Psy, I temporalily forgot Betran's *new* name. Guess what Disney film I got the idea off of.

*coughcough*Lion King*coughcough*

Spirit_of_Auron
7th April 2005, 12:54 AM
I've got a sprite for you, I don't think it's that great but you can get the idea of what I was going for. You can pick the name if you want to use it, I just thought you might like it.http://img39.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img39&image=dratinimutation2oa.png

mayonayz
9th April 2005, 5:26 PM
OK! I love it... And i'm incredibly jealous because I can't write this well. But now... what I spotted and should be fixed! Don't kill me. Meep!

Prologue

"...aroma of the spores or Oddish and Butterfree..."
of

"It was all Kendar could do to deodge it."
dodge

"Glad to be finished, Kendar floated down to his astonished brother. After he landed, he approached his confused brother, and put his hand out to help him up, but instead of taking the hand, he crawled backwards away from him, tail dragging along the ground."
Maybe change a few of the he's to his brother, or something of the sort, because it could either be Kendar crawling backwards, or his brother. See what I mean?

Chapter 1

"Heekali wanted to say ‘yes, please just finish me off’, but he barely even have the energy to nod..."
Tense problem. You started off in the past, and changed it to present.

“It has that name for a reason you know; it is freezing there, even a mile away from the actual cave the cold cuts into you’re skin like a blade..."
Remember, you're = you are.

"So the Vulpix told the Gligar about being born weaker than his sibling..."
Didn't Heekali have more then one sibling? Maybe it should be siblings...

Chapter 3

"“Yes, goodnight, Lumerah.” Shazaro said quietly so as not to wake his friend’s sleeping from..."
Just a small typo... I believe you meant form.

"...from where the trees were closer together, and shadowier too."
Is shadowier a word? I'm being very picky...

"“What?” ssked Shazaro urgently. “What is it?”"
Simple typo.

"Some were huge, bright blue ones that shone like Safires..."
This one killed me! It's spelled sapphires, Miss ICC!!

Chapter 4

"She seemed perfect; from the top of her Safire blue hair down to the bottom of her aqua, gown like body."
Sapphire

"No, you do not understand, there is a terrible Evil, that nobeast is safe from..."
I think it should be two words, unless it's a term in the story, when write it as you wish.

"The Gardevoir, with skin so smoothed it seemed to be carved from clay..."
Smooth

"Before anybeast could ask why, Shinari closed her eyes..."
Like stated above... I think it should be two words, unless it's a term in the story.


OK! I'm i'm done... You can't hide anything from me! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wonder how you can tell I read too much... or write for that matter X_X. But seriously, I love the story, the character's personalities are perfectly described. All my characters seem the same -_-;. I will be checking for more.

Oh, and HUZZAH for my first post on the forums! You've been bugging me relentlessly for me to post...

Psychic
12th April 2005, 2:03 AM
Um I'll describe the Torchic mutation...
Name:Cobalt
Color:Cobalt
Weird stuff that's not supposed to be on its body:Angel wings.

The sprites can't be original they were made for me. I requested.
^^; That's a bit...bland. No offence, but I can't do Cobalf for several reasons:
Idiotic reason #1: I make up all names, so Cobalt won't do.
Idiotic reason #2: I already have two characters with wings, one already having Angel ones, plus two more winged mutants
Idiotic reason #3: A member of the Torchic family will already be in this fic, and I don't like using a) too many starters, b) well known Pokémon c) Pokémon of the same family tree.
Idiotic reason #4: Cobalt has no personality, reasons, motives or background. I'd appreciate it if you gave me something to work with. It would be a big help.
Idiotic reason #5: Also, characters need a motive to do have these mutations.


Hi Pychic!

I love your story and OH NO!

*Gives you water!*I may have some Ideas and sprites but there all mixes!:(
Hiya BP!

Hmmm, ideas would be nice, and I may be able to add some mixes. I do in fact have a mix or two later, but it’s more like one Pokémon inheriting, say…the tail of a Charizard, not so much a mix. Anyways, show me whatcha got and I’ll tell you if it’s appropriate or not. *is ready to grab water*


Soz Psy, I temporalily forgot Betran's *new* name. Guess what Disney film I got the idea off of.

*coughcough*Lion King*coughcough*
As if I couldn’t already tell? Sorry, I have a habit of knowing where things come from.


I've got a sprite for you, I don't think it's that great but you can get the idea of what I was going for. You can pick the name if you want to use it, I just thought you might like it.http://img39.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img39&image=dratinimutation2oa.png
*points at Idiotic reason #2* Other than that, check out Idiotic reason #5.


And thank you mayo I love you! I will fix them right away! Thank you Mrs. Sharp Eyes!

And yes, I love bothering you, but thanks for the review after…many months. I had been wondering if you had joined at all!



Ok, presently I am back in my writing slump and don't know what to do, so I'll just write whatever and you'll tell me how it is!

Because I'm bored and have some future ideas, I was wondering if anyone wanted a sneak-peak at upcoming chapter.

~Psychic

FloatingFlames
12th April 2005, 5:11 AM
After reading every chapter, 'tis now time for the review.

Let me just say that I really enjoyed reading this, it is clearly very original, and all the characters are well developed, especially Heekali and Kendar. I, myself, have taken a liking toward Lumerah. Something about her I just can't put my finger on.

In terms of plot, I can't say much yet, but the premise is new and original. I look forward to see how the plot unfolds, and hope to see more of that mysterious Gardevoir. I'm actually writing a small series about a Ponyta who is an outcast, which I'm posting next month, and you should check it out if you have the time. *points to the beautiful banner in sig* >_>

Description was nearly flawless, and your vocabulary is very wide and varied, so it rarely got boring, which kept it flowing very nicely. I read through each chapter non-stop. Although, I wish there had been a bit more description on the Gengar, Banette and Sableye, but that's just me being picky. Speaking of them, I loved that battle, you described everything nearly perfectly, and I had no trouble at all picturing it in my head. Great job on that.

Grammar in general was good, but there were several times when you misspelled a few words; I noticed you spelled sapphire incorrectly twice. Also, in chapter 4, there were a couple times where you didn't space between words. Be a bit more diligent in your proofreading and you'll catch these mistakes easily.

Aside from those tiny gripes, this fic is very interesting and caught my attention from the start. It's a shame I didn't read this sooner.

I'm sorry you're in a writing slump, maybe if you had AIM we could chat and I could help you out with putting some ideas of yours into text. And sure, I wouldn't mind reading a preview of the next chapter, not at all. ^_^

Psychic
26th April 2005, 4:23 PM
Hooray, another reviewer!

Something about Lumerah? Well yes, there is something about her, but if you want to know what it is, you'll just have to stick around...

Aye, there isn't much plot except 'run to survive', really, but just wait until the other characters are introduced...
And it is a really pretty banner! Scrap really outdid herself!

My earlier description was horrible when I first wrote it, I Edited my posts a dozen times before I got it where it is now. But if I add in too much description, I end up boring myself and giving up, and if there isn't enough I get frustrated. I assure you though, nothing I wrote is near flawless.
And yea, I only noticed that I hadn't described the ghosts after you mentioned it, but I couldn't find a nice place to sneak in the descriptions. The battle was the most interesting part I wrote, and I had planned a good few parts of it in advance, so I knew what I was doing.

I really do proofread a lot, but I think I got most of my mistakes now.

I would AIM with you, but I only have Hotmail. Anyways, if more people want I'll post a pre-view, but of a few chapters to come.

But that you for the great review, and I'm glad you're enjoying this so much!

~Psychic

purple_drake
4th May 2005, 7:02 AM
Gah, sorry it took me so long to reply, Psychic. ^.^ It's the least I can do, after all...

Okay, to begin with, I love the theme of the story. It's often in the nature of sentient beings to fear what is different; and while I personally believe pokemon aren't like that, I love the fact you're writing from the 'freaks' point of view.
Your chacters are pretty well developed too ^.^ I WUV HEEKALI!! *huggles* he's so cute!!

*ahem* ^.^ I'm sure plenty of people agree...

That said, I do have quite a few suggestions for improvement... and a few mistakes :P Since I'm gonna review all four chappies in one... this is gonna be a long post...

The first thing is... you're fond of commas. ^.^


It was, to any passerby, a wondrous sight, wild Taillow and Spearow swooping and diving in flocks, the sweet aroma of the spores of Oddish and Butterfree filling the air, the odd Trapinch poking its head out from the ground, but the forest’s beauty was lost to the creature.

Like in this sentence; it's way too long, but if you replaced some commas with semi-colens or fullstops, it'd be fine. At 'sight' I'd suggest a fullstop. That sentence is quite long enough as it is :P Then at 'ground' as semi-colen would be perfect.

So you might want to go through and look at some of your sentences; I've seen a lot of commas which can be replaced by semi-colens, fullstops, dashes, etc.

Your other biggest problem is that sometimes you forget to say who is speaking; you just put 'he' or 'she'. This hasn't been that much of a problem... yet. But it could well become one. Like here:


“Of course, I couldn’t leave you all alone like this! Besides, I thought you wanted to be friends!” the Gligar exclaimed with a chuckle.

“Oh, you really mean it? I can really ‘hit the road’ with you, whatever that means?” he asked excitedly.

“Yup,” he replied, then added “and I once heard a human telling his Pokémon to. It means, ‘let’s go!’ I believe.” He said.

The first line you've said that it's Shazaro speaking. The next line is obviously Heekali's, but all you've written is 'he'. Then the line after that belongs to Shazaro again, only you just written 'he' once again.

Another thing is that you sometimes put 'speaking' words twice. Like here...


“Yup,” he replied, then added “and I once heard a human telling his Pokémon to. It means, ‘let’s go!’ I believe.” He said.

You've already said that Shazaro has added 'and I once heard blah blah blah', so the 'he said' at the end is completely unnecessary and just repeats words. That said, I think you could also vary your speaking range a little... 'said' is in there an awful lot. >.< just keep in mind I have a grudge against the word 'said', so that may also just be me.

Ok, now just some common mistakes.


clearly the day he had finally evolved from his Treeko from

'form'


He had rammed it, while it wasn’t watching, all rational thought leaving his mind

There should be no comma there.


able to fly! You have broken the law of Normalicy! You are an abnormal land-worm! You

'Normalcy'


“But I’m you’re brother. I, I just saved you.” Kendar had whispered to the wind.

That should be 'your'. also when he stutters, 'I, I just saved you.' it might be better to replace that comma with a dash or something. Eg, 'I...I just saved you.' You use commas a lot for sintances such as this, but you might want to consider using something else.


. Then they had chased him away, and was pronounced ‘Outcast’.

Shouldn't 'he' be in there somewhere?


The others, who were all off to the side laughed heartily, patting each other on spiked purple backs.

This sentence doesn't make much sense; by saying 'who were all off to the side' you imply there is going to be some kind of action; but then there isn't any.


“That right squirt? Too d’feated ta go on?” asked pack’s the boss.


asked the pack's boss.


Then the sound of one object hitting the other

'another'


cried, grabbing the leaders rather limp body with him, and draped him over his

'leader's'


“Hey kid, are all right? You got a pretty nasty beating there, you know.”

'are you all right'


The funny creature smiled back. “When you’re, different, not every beast wants to keep you around.” he offered

there shouldn't be a comma there.


“Ah,” said Shazaro, also looking at his odd deformality. “let’s just say I’m not

that should be 'deformity', and 'let's should have a capital.


“Hahaha! Don’t worry, we won’t go there if you don’t want to!”

Maybe this is just me, but I don't think you should write the laughter like that, as opposed to writing that the character is laughing.


much. “Anyways, when I evolved, I was, well, different.” she said, indicating her deformalities.

'deformaties'


Shazaro nodded. “You see, other Sandslashs’ skin is a much lighter brown colour,

'Sandslash's'


“Well, don’t just leave them lying around for anybeast to pick up!” Lumerah said angrily and set about burying the offending roots. Soil flew about her

You actually run together 'anybeast' and no'beast together quite often, so I'm relatively sure it's deliberate; however, just in case, I'm pointing out this one.


. Some were huge, bright blue ones that shone like Sapphires. Others were more plain, but no less evil-feelin

'Sapphires' doesn't usually have a capital; you've done this a few times, not just 'Sapphire', but 'Demon', 'Legendary' and 'Evil', but I'm sure they were deliberate. You might wanna check up on it anyway, just in case.


“I don’t remember you,” The Gengar replied coolly, “but I don’t care how many freaks I get to kill after those two!” h

This is meant to have a capital.


Finally, the green creature halted his wild assault on the Gengar leader. He backed off, allowing a few of the crystal-eyed Ghosts to run to his side and help support him.

This sentence sounds like the ghosts are going to help Kendar, not Batarek.


“Kendar,” he replied through gritted teeth. “flying Grovyle, at your service

Capital.


“Who are you?” Demanded Kendar, staring up at the being. he shot Lumerah a warning glance.

Capital.


Shinari,” Shazaro asked slowly, “are we…”

Capital.


“I-” Shinari began, “no, now is not the place. Time is not on our side at the moment

Not only a capital, but there should be a fullstop or semi-colen after 'began'.


. ‘Is this Gardevoir really who she says she is? Is there really an Evil that threatens us all?’ Kendar mused. ‘Can I ever find a place where I’ll be safe, from all the teasing and sadness and pain? What if we don’t find the place in time?’ Worried Heekali. ‘Do I dare trust her? She doesn’t give very straight answers, and we don’t know is she’s lying. And yet, she saved us…’ Lumerah argued with herself. ‘Will the going be too rough for us? Can we avoid the Evil and dangers of our path?’ Shazaro wondered, his mind made up.

Since different characters are thinking, there should really be a separate paragraph for each, just like if they were speaking.


replied sadly, causing Lumerah’s sneering face to bear a look of triumph. “for if I do…it would be wiser

Capital.


, Shinari closed her eyes, as if in deep concentration, and said if a soft, but clear voice

That should be 'in'.

And that's it. *cringe* sorry if it seems like a lot. As a last thing, I think your description of the surrounding environment could use a little buffing up, but your description of the characters themselves are excellent. ^.^ So I hope this helps. I'd be willing to beta your story for you if you like, but it's entirely up to you.

Good luck ^.^

PsiUmbreon
5th May 2005, 3:19 AM
Wow... yeah I don't often read everyone's fics but... yeah this was definately worth my time... (I'm a new fic writer myself and am kinda looking for examples) one of the bestest fic ideas ever (yeah, bestest :p ). oh and I absolutely <3 the Gardevoir...

Anyways, I just have one slight picky thing... ya know how the mutant Gligar (Shazaro right?) stabs the Gengars and poisons them? well, a couple of things are kinda weird about that... well, ya see, they're ghosts... wouldn't the stinger just go right through them? oh and Gengars are also Poison type, so they are immune to poisoning... least according to the game. Oh and using Earthquake on ghosts? umm... don't they hover?

well other than that, FREAKIN AWESOME!!!
;197;

FireAngel74135
18th May 2005, 5:18 AM
Sqwee! *spins around on chair*

I started reading this morning (and finished chapter five, but the evilness of school came! >:O) and...and I liked it! ^^

'fraid I can't offer much crits...I myself am not that great of a writer and it'd be...like a white belt critisizing a black belt on their high jump kick or something...*t3h moo and spazzismiliutile*

I have to say that I loved the description...hopefully it'll help me with my own description which as of now completely sucks and I've been pulling out my hair trying to figure out how to make it better. >.<;

I love the characters, especially Lumerah, though that may be because I am on a Sandshrew catching spree in my Sapphire version and she happens to be the evolution of them...*lalala*

Grammar and spelling I can't comment on simply because...I can't remember anything that I spotted before! ><; Besides, purple_drake and Mayo already pointed out a lot...^^

And length...heck, I don't care about length.

I like this fic a lot and I think I've got an idea of what the plot will be like, but I shall wait and then read and then find out! Buahahahaha! >:O

Yeah...I'll go bother someone else.

*poofs away*

Psychic
11th June 2005, 8:42 PM
OMG, Psychic is finally replying to her own thread! *waves flag*



Teh OMG! *runs up to purple_drake, who thinks Psychic is going to murder her*

*hugs* Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you THANK YOU! *hugs tighter, and p_d's face is turning purple, so let's go*

See, this is a review; when ja find all teh widdle mistakes who are hiding from Psychic, who don't wanna be corrected!

Anyways, about my comma obsession:
Basically, when I put a comma, it means that if you were reading the story out loud, you would pause at each comma.

Anyways thank you for the supa-review, and the other review. You must be the best Mistake Finder in all of Serebii. A better version will come someday, will all the mistakes you pointed out being corrected.

Ok, and I’ll work on description a bit more, but I’m glad you find character description good!

Thank you for all the hard work you’ve put into your review, on and off the forum.




Wow... yeah I don't often read everyone's fics but... yeah this was definately worth my time... (I'm a new fic writer myself and am kinda looking for examples) one of the bestest fic ideas ever (yeah, bestest :p ). oh and I absolutely <3 the Gardevoir...

Anyways, I just have one slight picky thing... ya know how the mutant Gligar (Shazaro right?) stabs the Gengars and poisons them? well, a couple of things are kinda weird about that... well, ya see, they're ghosts... wouldn't the stinger just go right through them? oh and Gengars are also Poison type, so they are immune to poisoning... least according to the game. Oh and using Earthquake on ghosts? umm... don't they hover?

well other than that, FREAKIN AWESOME!!!
;197;
^-^ I’m glad you like it, Psi! But it ain’t nywhere near bestest…*blushes*
And if you love Shinari…*grins* look to the sig…is Scrap not awesome?

And as I told you before, Gengar are actually solid, according to my philosophy, and must concentrate rather hard to make themselves see-through. And they don’t really hover, neither. And I don’t remember the ‘immune to poison’ thing. :P

Again, glad you enjoyed. :D

Long live Bladyslakistan!



Sqwee! *spins around on chair*

I started reading this morning (and finished chapter five, but the evilness of school came! >:O) and...and I liked it! ^^

'fraid I can't offer much crits...I myself am not that great of a writer and it'd be...like a white belt critisizing a black belt on their high jump kick or something...*t3h moo and spazzismiliutile*

I have to say that I loved the description...hopefully it'll help me with my own description which as of now completely sucks and I've been pulling out my hair trying to figure out how to make it better. >.<;

I love the characters, especially Lumerah, though that may be because I am on a Sandshrew catching spree in my Sapphire version and she happens to be the evolution of them...*lalala*

Grammar and spelling I can't comment on simply because...I can't remember anything that I spotted before! ><; Besides, purple_drake and Mayo already pointed out a lot...^^

And length...heck, I don't care about length.

I like this fic a lot and I think I've got an idea of what the plot will be like, but I shall wait and then read and then find out! Buahahahaha! >:O

Yeah...I'll go bother someone else.

*poofs away*
Yay spinny chairs! Boo school!

I’m glad you like my description, which only half a year ago sucked. To get better, all you need to do it practice practice practice!

But I do like Lumerah too. And for awhile I had a bit of an obsession with Sandslash. Especially Pokémorphs of Sandshrew and Sandslash.

Plot you won’t really get until later, so :P.

And believe me, you’re not bothering anyone. It’s those n00bs that do all the bothering.



Anyways, yea, back in writing slump, as you can tell. I’ll try to get the next chapter up before I go on my vacation to Israel for 5 weeks. ^^;

~Psychic

mindripper
16th June 2005, 10:23 PM
Ok. I read the first couple chapters. I spotted some mistakes, but I do not nitpick, because I do know what you are trying to put across. there is some wrong word usage too. I did feel very weird reading about Pokemon talking, like humans do, but I got used to it, and must commend you on being original. i will post a detailed review after I go throughe verything.

Nevermore
20th June 2005, 10:29 PM
hey, i remember this place, then my computer died, and i lost it... though it will take me a while to read the whole fan fic again, what i remember of it was one of the best fan fics i have ever read. i dont recognise the red and black thing in your sig, which i got here by cos it looked cool, so i missed a lot, right? could you do me a favour? could you post all of the sprites in one post so i can see them all? many thanks if you can.

Dragons Flame
22nd June 2005, 7:53 PM
I've just read your whole story today and I like it. Keep up the good work.

Psychic
2nd July 2005, 4:38 PM
Ok. I read the first couple chapters. I spotted some mistakes, but I do not nitpick, because I do know what you are trying to put across. there is some wrong word usage too. I did feel very weird reading about Pokemon talking, like humans do, but I got used to it, and must commend you on being original. i will post a detailed review after I go throughe verything.
Yea, there are some mistakes, but purple_drake is helping me along with the fic, and she’s spotted more mistakes than I can count. These are presently being fixed.
Maybe it’s a bit weird for Pokémon to talk, but I kind of want to show how they are sentient beings too, and they aren’t really dumb.
^-^ I am glad you think it’s original, though. I don’t want it to be like all those other fics out there.
And I’ll be looking forward to your review!




hey, i remember this place, then my computer died, and i lost it... though it will take me a while to read the whole fan fic again, what i remember of it was one of the best fan fics i have ever read. i dont recognise the red and black thing in your sig, which i got here by cos it looked cool, so i missed a lot, right? could you do me a favour? could you post all of the sprites in one post so i can see them all? many thanks if you can.
Eh, it’s not a very long fic-short chapters-and an easy read.
^^ Glad you liked it though. And if you liked it before, you’ll like all the edits and changed I’ve made. This fic used to be a good bit worse than it is now.
But you probably haven’t missed much; the Gardevoir in the banner has yet to appear in the story.
Here are sprites of most of the characters:
Kendar (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/wingedgrovyle.png)
Heekali (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/BetterHeekali.png)
Lumerah (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/Lumerah.png)
Shinari (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/GoldMoon/Shinari.png)
(Shazaro pic not available.)
Hope that helped!



I've just read your whole story today and I like it. Keep up the good work.
I’m glad you like it! I hope you continue reading! :D

Nevermore
2nd July 2005, 6:46 PM
Thanks! I just finished reading it, i only missed one chapter. Can i try spriting the Gardevoir in the banner? Or shazaro?

Psychic
2nd July 2005, 10:42 PM
Good thing you didn't miss much. :S
But you are more than welsome to try and sprite them. I already have the Dark Gardevoir, but you're welcome to have a go anyways.
Just watch out for Shazaro. He's impossible to do, because his claws are like Wolverine's (from X-Men). Funny where I get my ideas, huh?
XD, But you look like a great spriter. The first sprite in your sig is really cool.

~Psychic

Dream Breaker
2nd July 2005, 11:17 PM
Hi Psychic *waves extravagantly*. This story is very nice, well described and so and and so forth and so....you get the idea. Well, you've got yourself a new reviewer, and...well there's not much else to say is there =P.

Nevermore
3rd July 2005, 8:24 PM
Ok, i will try shazaro. *Goes back to read discription*
If you already have the gardevoir, i won't do it again. The rest of my sprites are in my fakedex, if you want to see them. Are you gonna do more chapters soon?
Well, i better get to work!
EDIT: How's this?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v637/kirbymew/shazaro.png

[Cano]
1st August 2005, 11:54 PM
OMG!!! I LOVE THIS!!! It's amazing, I'll have to read ALL OF IT. So far I've read the Prologue and the 1st Chapter, :p sorry,I have a headache brewing and that's THE ONLY THING stopping me, believe that! And I totally agree with the perspectives you chose for the "normal" pokemon, and I really believe that that's the world we live in unfortunately. But people like you are different. You see this prejudice and hatred for that which we don't truly understand, and while you understand why, you don't believe in it like the rest of them. I am the same way, constantly questioning the "morals" of this society, and whether or not we truly are what we claim to be. But anyway back to the praising. You are really talented, in the way you display the pokemon's emotions, describing their features (but I had no idea that Shazaro was a Gligar...and I feel somewhat ashamed because of it), and the accents on the Gengar!! Truly, that is a sign of greatness. I don't care what ANYONE says: that is greatness. Keep writing, you are amazing at it.

PS: I'm working on a fic too, but I'm not sure it'll be anywhere near as good as yours, but I'd love comments from you, though it's not up yet, and let me tell you, it'll be long. It's based on my ideas for a new pokemon game, which I'm reposting on the Future Ideas thread because it really doesn't belong on the D/P Gamplay Ideas thread. Thanks for reading. Seeya.

Psychic
23rd August 2005, 4:59 AM
Hi Psychic *waves extravagantly*. This story is very nice, well described and so and and so forth and so....you get the idea. Well, you've got yourself a new reviewer, and...well there's not much else to say is there =P.
Hello, Dream Breaker! *waves back*
I’m glad you like my fic-always happy to have another reviewer to give feedback and opinions.
I hope you continue enjoying reading my story!


TempusDominus-Yes, I actually got the inspiration of the character from the sprite.
On a side note, I saw your sprites already, and I think they’re really good.
And the chapters…well, I’m working on them, but I’ve been having some trouble getting my thoughts onto paper, which is why I haven’t posted any chapters in so long.

As for the Shazaro sprite: well, it’s good, but there are a few problems with it. First off, the skin color you gave it is too green-ish. The true color is a cold, light blue, like ice. Its webbing too, should be less purple and a tiny bit more blue. The last thing is that the stinger should be facing the other way.
However, you did a very nice job on making the teeth longer, and you actually succeeded in putting the claws on Shazaro! Congratulations-both The Cheshire Cat and I have tried and failed to give him his Wolverine claws! (Erk, I should probably mention that the claws are white, but whatever-minor technicality.)

Don’t forget to continue reading about the adventures of these mutants!



OMG!!! I LOVE THIS!!! It's amazing, I'll have to read ALL OF IT. So far I've read the Prologue and the 1st Chapter, :p sorry,I have a headache brewing and that's THE ONLY THING stopping me, believe that! And I totally agree with the perspectives you chose for the "normal" pokemon, and I really believe that that's the world we live in unfortunately. But people like you are different. You see this prejudice and hatred for that which we don't truly understand, and while you understand why, you don't believe in it like the rest of them. I am the same way, constantly questioning the "morals" of this society, and whether or not we truly are what we claim to be. But anyway back to the praising. You are really talented, in the way you display the pokemon's emotions, describing their features (but I had no idea that Shazaro was a Gligar...and I feel somewhat ashamed because of it), and the accents on the Gengar!! Truly, that is a sign of greatness. I don't care what ANYONE says: that is greatness. Keep writing, you are amazing at it.

PS: I'm working on a fic too, but I'm not sure it'll be anywhere near as good as yours, but I'd love comments from you, though it's not up yet, and let me tell you, it'll be long. It's based on my ideas for a new pokemon game, which I'm reposting on the Future Ideas thread because it really doesn't belong on the D/P Gamplay Ideas thread. Thanks for reading. Seeya.
Well SigCMugen, I’m glad you love my fic so much! I hope you’ll read the rest, because you’ve only gotten to the tip of the iceberg!

I’m glad you like my choice in perspective, because I found it to be rather important.
True, not everybody can look at society and see what is hidden under the surface, because everybody wants to believe that everything is perfect. I’m flattered that you think me different than anyone else, but I think if it weren’t for the novel ‘The Crysalids’, this fic would probably be very different.

I am overjoyed to see that you have taken a great liking to my writing style! I often think I don’t have enough description, especially when it comes to emotion, but it’s interesting to see someone who thinks otherwise.


I’ll take a look at your fic if you want, but you should know right now that I am a tough reviewer.

Anyways, thank you for reading my fic, and I’m glad you think so highly of it. Please continue reading!

~Psychic

[Cano]
23rd August 2005, 5:55 AM
Well SigCMugen, I’m glad you love my fic so much! I hope you’ll read the rest, because you’ve only gotten to the tip of the iceberg!
Well definitely, but I was wondering about that...can you possibly email the chapters to me? The format in which thread is gives me migraines whenever I try to read fics. If it's too much for you then I understand, either way I'll read it. *grabs Excedrin*


I’m glad you like my choice in perspective, because I found it to be rather important.
True, not everybody can look at society and see what is hidden under the surface, because everybody wants to believe that everything is perfect. I’m flattered that you think me different than anyone else, but I think if it weren’t for the novel ‘The Crysalids’, this fic would probably be very different.

I am overjoyed to see that you have taken a great liking to my writing style! I often think I don’t have enough description, especially when it comes to emotion, but it’s interesting to see someone who thinks otherwise.
Not enough? Ludicrous (at least for the first chapter) you're very descriptive. I felt that I was there, watching it...in fact I was! It was amazing. The evolution, the fight, the cruel Gengar torturing that poor Vulpix. I like how you describe the "normal" pokemon's point of view in the way they treat the "mutants". I could definitely imagine pokemon behaving like that to there different brethern, being as narrow minded as they are. I think I should pick up that book you mentioned.



I’ll take a look at your fic if you want, but you should know right now that I am a tough reviewer.

Anyways, thank you for reading my fic, and I’m glad you think so highly of it. Please continue reading!

~Psychic
Sure! I'd love your review, as long as it's 100% honest, whether negative or positive. And "please"?? TRY AND STOP ME! Seeya.
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Psychic
23rd August 2005, 10:58 PM
Well definitely, but I was wondering about that...can you possibly email the chapters to me? The format in which thread is gives me migraines whenever I try to read fics. If it's too much for you then I understand, either way I'll read it. *grabs Excedrin*
I'm sure that can be arranged! But, through PM or actual e-mail? Either way, I'm sure I can send them to you.


Not enough? Ludicrous (at least for the first chapter) you're very descriptive. I felt that I was there, watching it...in fact I was! It was amazing. The evolution, the fight, the cruel Gengar torturing that poor Vulpix. I like how you describe the "normal" pokemon's point of view in the way they treat the "mutants". I could definitely imagine pokemon behaving like that to there different brethern, being as narrow minded as they are. I think I should pick up that book you mentioned.
^-^ Really? Why thank you! It really means something to me to hear that!
Yea, well, I try to be realistic when I write. I hate reading things that sounds ridiculously unlikely. I often base my reviews on how realistic the story sounds, actually.
It’s a cool book, and it’s nice for a light read.


Sure! I'd love your review, as long as it's 100% honest, whether negative or positive. And "please"?? TRY AND STOP ME! Seeya.
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Oh, believe me, I never lie in my reviews. One could say that they’re brutally honest.
XD, I don’t think I could stop you if I had an army of Lumerah!
^-^ Happy reading!

~Psychic

Insincerus
23rd August 2005, 11:28 PM
Oh Lordy XD

lmao, 'tis amazing how many restarts I've had, Psychic, but you still had this fic before I had my first! That was, what, December? And look at all the reviews you're getting..."The Mutations" has most certainly won the attention and viewing of many people (it will probably pass down as a fic legend XD). Amazing that this page is entirely filled with reviews alone! I hope some of my old success from July of last year comes back, because it is very hard to see my own stories getting little more than a "good job! keep up the good work ;)" nowadays. I've already told you how much this story is great in the past, and do you know what's changed? Nothing. It is still one of the greatest I have reviewed, and is still everything it was when it started, which is gargantuan...hmm..."gargantuan"...such a tasty word...I savored to use it someday in a sentence! XD

Can't wait 'til your next chapter, and I hope you have a great day. ;)

~Chessy

[Cano]
24th August 2005, 1:44 AM
I'm sure that can be arranged! But, through PM or actual e-mail? Either way, I'm sure I can send them to you.
Email would be better. And thanks, that'd be awesome!!


^-^ Really? Why thank you! It really means something to me to hear that!
Yea, well, I try to be realistic when I write. I hate reading things that sounds ridiculously unlikely. I often base my reviews on how realistic the story sounds, actually.
It’s a cool book, and it’s nice for a light read.
I know doesn't it? I just love hearing what people think about my work. Especially when its positive. It feels better than sleep...well, not better, but close enough. Yeah, being realistic is better than stuff that would like never happen, it just doesn't make a lot of sense.


Oh, believe me, I never lie in my reviews. One could say that they’re brutally honest.
XD, I don’t think I could stop you if I had an army of Lumerah!
^-^ Happy reading!

~Psychic
Great! That's awesome, and I can't wait to read your review. I'm almost done with Ch 2, it's pretty long, and I actually just started the fic :p but hopefully it won't die. Thanks again.
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Psychic
26th August 2005, 7:46 PM
Finally, after a great deal of Writer's Block and procrastination, I am posting the next installment of my fic! Please read, review, and enjoy!



Chapter 5: Part 1: The First Steps

The first thought that sped through Shazaro‘s mind as he lay spread eagle on his back was that there wasn’t much time. He had no idea why, but he felt the need to hurry. Forgetting that it had swollen in the fight with the ghosts, he opened his right eye to see light filtering in through the treetops of a forest, when everything that had just happened hit him like a Surf attack. Getting dizzy, Shazaro squeezed both his eyes shut as his memories from the past day flew in front of his closed lids.

‘It all happened so fast,’ he though, smiling crookedly. ‘ok, I just need to digest this one bit at a time; I saved Heekali from a few Gengar. While traveling together, Lumerah-’ well, he didn’t like to think that she had just attacked him for no reason! ‘-er, joined us. We went to sleep and when we woke up, only to have a bunch of Gengar, Banette and Sableye attack us.’ Shazaro skipped most of the battle, preferring not to think about it. ‘Kendar saved Heekali, Lumerah used Earthquake so we could get away, and they used that odd shadow attack on us.’ Shazaro shuddered at this memory, so he quickly moved on in a daze. “We were teleported to some weird place where this beautiful Gardevoir told us that we had to find a place where we’d be safe, or else. And now…”

“Talking to yourself, are we?” a familiar voice asked mockingly.

“Oh, that was, er, I,” the Gligar stuttered, not having realized that he had said the last part aloud.

Kendar laughed teasingly at the Gligar, and he decided that the Grovyle wasn’t too far away. “Don’t worry about it, I was just as messed up when I came to.” he added.

Letting out a sigh, Shazaro opened his eyes to see Kendar walking up to him. At first, he was glad to see the Grovyle, but a sudden thought then struck him.

“You don’t look like you were in a fight.” said Shazaro, looking at his friend oddly. His scaly body was no longer scratched and bleeding from their previous fight, which didn’t make any sense, because no creature he knew could heal itself so quickly.

“Yes, nobody does.” Kendar replied, gesturing to Heekali and Lumerah’s unmoving forms not far away. They too were lying on the soft grass, blissfully unaware of all around them. Shazaro smiled to himself, glad that the two young ones were getting some well deserved rest. ‘Nobody should have to go through this,’ he thought sadly. ‘they are both so young, they have so much longer to live, so much more to experience.’ he looked down upon them, Heekali on his back and Lumerah on her side, and watched their chests rise and fall in an easy, rhythmic pattern. ‘They should both be able to live normal lives, yet they can not. None of us can. Why can we not be treated normally? No,’ he answered dismally, ‘that is only possible in the safe place Shinari mentioned. But there is that Evil that blocks our paths…’ sighing, the Gligar turned to his other companion, who was now residing in a low tree branch, letting one leg hang carelessly.

“What do you suggest we do now?” he asked the Grovyle, not quite sure himself.

In reply, Kendar merely shrugged and closed his eyes, leaving a silence in which Shazaro simply listened to the chirping of the birds and the soft whistling of the breeze. Judging by the sun’s position, he decided that it was just a little after noon, and his shadow was just starting to creep out from under him.

“I suppose we should be on our way, if we want to reach this haven the Gardevoir spoke of.” Kendar murmured dully.

“Yes, that may be a wise idea,” the Gligar added, though with regret at having to wake his younger friends. Kendar on the other hand, didn’t seem to mind much, and before Shazaro could twitch his tail, the Grovyle moved in a blur of green to stand by the sleeping young ones. He shook them both gently, saying that it was time to go in a hushed voice, as if he was afraid to wake a nearby Ursaring from its winter slumber.

The two got up reluctantly, Lumerah swaying on her feel and Heekali staring at Shazaro groggily, without recognition. “Mo-mmy?” he asked dully, squinting at a nearby rock. The confused little fox’s feet buckled beneath him, and he fell back down, a look of content upon his vulpine features.

Shazaro smiled fondly at his innocence, and hurried over to the confused fox, then began to gently nudge him in the side. “Come on, up you get,” he murmured into his ear.

Heekali stirred, much to the Gligar’s satisfaction, opening his eyes just enough to see his friend’s friendly face looking down at him. “Oh, Shazaro, is it time to leave already?”

“Yes,” he replied sadly as he watched Lumerah gain her balance and look at Kendar coolly.

“Mmmm, where are we going?” Heekali asked, still a bit befuddled.

“We’re off to find the safe place, Heekali.” He replied, then froze suddenly. He turned to Kendar, who looked at his friend oddly. “The directions!” Shazaro hissed miserably, plopping himself down on the ground.

“The ones Shinari gave us? What about them?” asked Lumerah, cocking her head to the side.

“I-“ but Shazaro was quickly interrupted by his own thoughts. Words suddenly bubbled to the surface of his mind, words that, moments ago, had been just outside his grasp.

Explore for the tree that stands quite alone,
Of its wisdom upon you it will hone.
As the wind becomes colder, and blue sky turns to blood,
And the ground below settles; soil and mud.
The sky points the way, where the sharp scythe cuts deep,
To a watery river, of secrets it does not keep.
At the day’s birth, you may plainly see,
Just keep the sun at your graceful dextree.
Look as far as you can, longer than a sword sheath,
Search for eternity until you spot its teeth.
As lively as a daisy, or as coarse as yeast,
You must pass quickly through the belly of the beast.
At last you will find a magnificent ocean of fire,
Do not stop at the haven, for the flames won’t perspire.

“What?” asked Lumerah impatiently, putting her long, green clawed paws on her hips.

“Do-do you remember Shinari’s words?” Shazaro asked quietly.

“No,” Lumerah said impatiently, then she suddenly let her arms fall off her hips as her eyes widened. “Yes.” she murmured in awe.

Shazaro then turned to Kendar and Heekali, who where staring at the Gligar and Sadnslash oddly. “A moment ago I couldn’t remember a word of what Shinari had said, but when I thought about it, the exact words sprang up, as if to reassure me.” he said quietly.

“Same with me.” Lumerah added, trying to keep the awe out of her voice, but she failed miserably.

“What about you two?” Shazaro asked his bewildered friends.

The two looked at each other, Heekali wore a fearful look while Kendar looked thoughtful. They both shrugged, then began to close their eyes, though right before they could, a surprised expression was etched upon both of their faces.

“What sort of trick is this?” Kender asked with awe.

“Who knows with those Psychic types and their mind games?” Lumerah said savagely.

“Lumerah, she saved us, I don’t think her intentions then were wrong then, and it seems reasonable to say that they aren’t now.” Shazaro pointed out sternly.

“He is right, her intentions seem noble. But how noble are they really?” Kendar pondered.

“I think it’s safe to say that we can trust her, at least until someone can prove otherwise.” Shazaro said firmly.

“And her words, those directions, how do we know they don’t lead to a pit of Gyrados?” Lumerah demanded, adding meaning to her words by making an overdone chomping action with her jaws.

“She just doesn’t seem that way, not when we saw her, she didn’t give me that sort of impression. She radiated all those positive feelings, for Heaven’s sake!” Shazaro protested, waving a claw in the Sandslash’s face.

As the older creatures argues, the young Heekali had gotten to his paws and was looking around curiously, poking his tiny black nose into funny looking flowers, pulling it out of one to sneeze, shaking his whole body. This made the young fox frown, and he suddenly lost interest in the different scents that surrounded him. “I don’t wanna stay here, guys.” he said quietly.

Shazaro turned to look at Heekali. “Neither do I.” he said suddenly, then flew over to the Vulpix. “There’s little use in staying here arguing the day away. We should decide what we are doing here and now. Will we go off in search of a safe haven or shall we just wait here until some creature or other finds us offensive enough to-well, never mind.” He said quickly after noticing Heekali’s fearful expression.

Kendar nodded. “Leaving seems like the best option. We should trust the mysterious Gardevior.”

“I wanna go. I believe her, I’d like to find a safer place, away from the sad and hurt.” the young fox said, looking down at his paws sadly.

“The best path leads onward. Not to follow it would, as she said, lead us to our doom.” Shazaro said simply.

Lumerah looked at her comrades angrily. Then sighing, she shook her pointed head and folded her dark brown arms. “Looks like I haven’t much say in this, unless I wanted to make it on my own. I’ll come; I want a better life too, you know. Though I tell you now that I do not trust this Shinari, and if we do end up in a Gyrados pit, it will be only because of your own foolishness.”

“Then we are decided. We trust the Gardevoir. Now, when shall we leave?” Shazaro asked, looking to his friends.

“Now.” Heekali said eagerly, almost bouncing on his paws.

“Fair enough. So, how do we find this place?” Lumerah asked, unfolding her arms, only to place them on her hips.

“I’d think that the poem in itself is the key, else Shinari would not have told them to us.” said Shazaro logically.

“All right, fair enough, so the rhyme’s really just a bunch of directions. So we’ll just take it one bit at a time. Now, the first part is…” Kendar said, then paused, waiting for the words to come back to him.

“Explore for the tree that stands quite alone,
Of its wisdom upon you it will hone.” Shazaro said firmly as Kendar was about to open his mouth. “Sounds fairly straightforward to me. We just have to find a tree that stands apart from all the rest.” the Gligar added. He then nodded to his friends. “Simple.”

Lumerah looked about; all the trees were standing together, like a bunch of Mareep, sticking together in a flock. “I don’t think we’ll find it here, and if all trees have the same habits, then the one we’re looking for isn’t going to just walk right up to us if we sit here like a bunch of newborns.” she said pointedly.

Kendar nodded. “Yes, we’ll have to search for it, and the sooner we find it, the better. I’m sure we’ll cover more ground if we split up.”

“Good thinking. We’ll each take a different direction, and if anybody finds it, give a shout or something. Now, we’ll have a better view if we’re higher up, so we should take to the treetops. Hopefully, that way the wind will be able to carry our voices better, so-“

“But what about me, Shazaro? I can’t fly like you!” Heekali suddenly cut in, interrupting the Gligar tearfully.

“Oh, Heekali, I’m sorry, I-” Shazaro began.

“Shazaro didn’t mean anything by that, Heekali. Don’t fret, you can still explore on paw. I’m sure that if you find any Rock-Types you can ask them if they’ve seen a tree like we’re looking for, since we can’t be too far away from it. They usually keep to themselves, so if you just casually tell them that you’re like any other baby Vulpix, they probably won’t ask any questions.” Kendar said gently, patting Heekali on the back.

“Yes, we won’t be able to find any Rock-Types from so high up, so it’s up to you to question everybody you can, okay?” Shazaro said quickly, hoping to make the white fox feel important.

At this, Heekali seemed to brighten up. “Ok, I’ll do it! You can count on me!’ he said brightly, jutting his chin in the air proudly.

“Right, so if you find something, give a shout. If we’re unsuccessful, then we can all meet up back here when the sun is about to touch the mountains over there.” Kendar said, gesturing to the ragged peaks off in the distance.

With that said and done, each companion set off in a different direction, each secretly hoping to be the one to find the tree first.

Kendar and Shazaro took to the air, both trying to keep out of the sight of a flock of Pidgey or the lone Taillow. Lumerah flew up a rowan, from there going more horizontal and she leaped from one tree to the other, also trying to avoid the sleeping forms of Pineco and the searching feelers of any Beedrill one may come across. Heekali wandered through the underbrush, stomping on the ground every few steps and tapping boulders, two things his mother had warned him not to do when he was little. However, no Diglett poked their heads out of the soil, nor did any rock appear to suddenly spring to life.

[Cano]
26th August 2005, 10:40 PM
WOW. I read chapters 2 and 3 (both parts) and love both. However, I think Chapter 2 was too short, and not as descriptive as the first, and Chapter 3 Pt 2 scared me. I as afraid Heekali was gonna die! Or worse...Shazaro!! :( Don't EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!! But anyways, I loved em :D I think however that banning all of them together is a bad idea. I mean, I think that some can travel together, but not all of them because I think it'd be more interesting to write about them separately, but again, it's your fic. Anyways, I still like xP but I thought I'd give some honest critism y'know? Ok then, I'll read the others soon, right now, I gotta earn me some money. Seeya laters!
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PS: I got up Ch2 of my ficcy xD but only one new review x( I hope it doesn't die...

purple_drake
27th August 2005, 6:32 AM
Hah, you finally posted! ^.^ Took your time! This was a pretty short chappie and there's not really much to comment on... except Heekali is still cute! ^.^

Still there were a few mistakes I picked up - dunno how I missed 'em before...



miling crookedly. ‘ok, I just need to digest this one bit at a time; I saved

'Ok' should have a capital.


he thought sadly. ‘they are both so young, they have so much longer to live, so much more to experience.’ he looked down upon

'They' and 'he' need capitals. Also, Kendar was speaking just before Shazaro, right? So you should probably put Shazaro's thoughts on a new line, since it's a new person saying something.


little fox’s feet buckled beneath him, and he fell back down

You prolly don't need the comma there


ondly at his innocence, and hurried over to the confused fo

Or that comma there, either :P


and Heekali, who where staring at the Gligar and Sadnslash oddly.

that should be 'were' and 'Sandslash'


know they don’t lead to a pit of Gyrados?” Lumerah demanded,

'Gyarados'


older creatures argues, the young Heekali had gotten to his paws

'argued'


and if we do end up in a Gyrados pit, it will be only because of your own foolishness.”

'Gyarados'


I’d think that the poem in itself is the key, else Shinari would not have told them to us.” said Shazaro logically.

should be, 'told it to us', since there's only one poem she told to them.


together, like a bunch of Mareep, sticking together in a flock.

You shouldn't need that comma. :P Anyway! Good luck with writing the next chappie!

SnoringFrog
28th August 2005, 2:47 PM
I've read the first two chapters, and so far, this is a great story. Hopefully I will catch up soon.

Psychic
29th August 2005, 4:45 AM
Oh Lordy XD

lmao, 'tis amazing how many restarts I've had, Psychic, but you still had this fic before I had my first! That was, what, December? And look at all the reviews you're getting..."The Mutations" has most certainly won the attention and viewing of many people (it will probably pass down as a fic legend XD). Amazing that this page is entirely filled with reviews alone! I hope some of my old success from July of last year comes back, because it is very hard to see my own stories getting little more than a "good job! keep up the good work ;)" nowadays. I've already told you how much this story is great in the past, and do you know what's changed? Nothing. It is still one of the greatest I have reviewed, and is still everything it was when it started, which is gargantuan...hmm..."gargantuan"...such a tasty word...I savored to use it someday in a sentence! XD

Can't wait 'til your next chapter, and I hope you have a great day. ;)

~Chessy
I’m glad you think so highly of my fic, Chesh! Yes, I’ve been trying to keep it alive, though it will never get much attention, like ‘The Quest For The Legends’ or ‘The Legendarian Chronicles’. If I could get nominated for a Fiction Award, whether I got any votes or not, I would be overjoyed…but those are just my ramblings.
I’m glad you think this fic has remained great during the past…5 chapters, lol. I didn’t want it to loose the mood of the Prologue, and you make it sound like it hasn’t!
And yes, gargantuan is a very flavorful word.

And oh my! The next chapter is up for your viewing pleasure!




Email would be better. And thanks, that'd be awesome!!
All right, I'll get to it you as soon as I can!



I know doesn't it? I just love hearing what people think about my work. Especially when its positive. It feels better than sleep...well, not better, but close enough. Yeah, being realistic is better than stuff that would like never happen, it just doesn't make a lot of sense.
Yes, it is good to get fresh opinions. Hearing what other people think can help you learn to improve, really.
And stories should make sense. Sometimes you like to hear these outrageous stories, but when it feels like they could happen…



Great! That's awesome, and I can't wait to read your review. I'm almost done with Ch 2, it's pretty long, and I actually just started the fic :p but hopefully it won't die. Thanks again.
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Yea, I’ll get to it (eventually). I’ve started reading it and it seems very interesting and creative.
Hope to see you soon!




WOW. I read chapters 2 and 3 (both parts) and love both. However, I think Chapter 2 was too short, and not as descriptive as the first, and Chapter 3 Pt 2 scared me. I as afraid Heekali was gonna die! Or worse...Shazaro!! :( Don't EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!! But anyways, I loved em :D I think however that banning all of them together is a bad idea. I mean, I think that some can travel together, but not all of them because I think it'd be more interesting to write about them separately, but again, it's your fic. Anyways, I still like xP but I thought I'd give some honest critism y'know? Ok then, I'll read the others soon, right now, I gotta earn me some money. Seeya laters!
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PS: I got up Ch2 of my ficcy xD but only one new review x( I hope it doesn't die...
I’m glad you like 2 and 3 so much! I know chapter 2 stank, and someday, I’ll rewrite it completely and it will not stink.
To see how excited you got over part 2 of Chapter 3 is something I really appreciate-it tells me that I’m doing my job and making it so thrilling that the reader sits on the edge of their seat. And I’m afraid I may very well have to do similar things again-it’s how I get the fic to progress and become more dramatic.

But there are other groups of Mutants, be sure, but I want to focus solely on this particular group. But you just gave me an idea…thank you! I hope to get a suggestion for a mutant from you someday soon! I think you could come up with something very original!


purple_drake: Hoi, thanks, guess we didn’t quite catch those mistakes. I know this chapter wasn’t the best, nor was it all that thrilling…but yes, Heekali remains cute! ^^



I've read the first two chapters, and so far, this is a great story. Hopefully I will catch up soon.
^^ Oh, another reader, huzzah!
Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying it! I hope you like the rest of it!


~Psychic

[Cano]
29th August 2005, 8:10 AM
I’m glad you like 2 and 3 so much! I know chapter 2 stank, and someday, I’ll rewrite it completely and it will not stink.
To see how excited you got over part 2 of Chapter 3 is something I really appreciate-it tells me that I’m doing my job and making it so thrilling that the reader sits on the edge of their seat. And I’m afraid I may very well have to do similar things again-it’s how I get the fic to progress and become more dramatic.

But there are other groups of Mutants, be sure, but I want to focus solely on this particular group. But you just gave me an idea…thank you! I hope to get a suggestion for a mutant from you someday soon! I think you could come up with something very original!

Oh, you don't know the half off it. I thought on your proposal and have two mutants (such a harsh word) for you. I'll PM them too you, complete with their backstories, and tragic tales (or not so tragic in one's case). Hope you like em.
<SCM>

mindripper
12th September 2005, 6:10 PM
Alright, first of all, well done on a very decent chapter indeed. I still get the feeling that the characters' names are oh-so-exotic. Nice nomenclature there.

Ok a little prob is that you do not like to break up speech and description. Having speech in the midst of descriptive text, all jumbled into one paragraph, does readers few favours.

I do like the length that you have on your chap. Long enough that it pushes the story along, while short enogh for readers like me to get into stride.

Nice poem there. breaks up the mood very well. What is a dextree?

All in all, a solid chapter indeed. I felt that it could have been done a little better, have a little more range, but I am perfectly happy as is. Do take a look at the work I am trying to get across to everbody. It is called The song of Life. Thanks.

SnoringFrog
13th September 2005, 3:29 AM
Alright, I'm all caught up now. I liked the whole thing, I saw this awhile ago but thought it didn't sound that good so I never read it, not sure why I decided to read it, but I'm glad I did.

[Cano]
17th September 2005, 3:35 AM
*fidgets* uhm...I just wanted ta know *fidgets...stares at foot, and makes circles* when...when will the next chapter be up? Just kinda curious really. Oh and btw, I got the email (00ber thanks :D) and I love all the current chapters. I like the appearance by the "mutant" Gardevoir, and that poem was an awesome touch ;) well, chap 4 will be up shortly...thanks again for emailing me the chappies :D.
<SCM>

Typhlogirl
22nd September 2005, 10:23 AM
Ah, this is good!

This type of story is very mystical, it reminds me greatly of a work of Brian Jacques, my favourite author! Have you read any of his books?

Speaking of books, OMGZ SUM1 ELSE WHO HS RED THE CHRYSALIDS!!! *glomps* Great book! But the injustice infuriated me. X_X

BACK TO THE FIC. I really do like it. I love this kind of fantasy, journeyish fic. It's my favourite type!!

I only noticed one mistake:

Just keep the sun at your graceful dexteree.

It should be dexteree. But that's the only mistake I noticed!

Anyway, loved it. The chapters are short and sweet, just how I like them.

Keep it up!
-;157;

Psychic
24th September 2005, 4:11 AM
Alright, first of all, well done on a very decent chapter indeed. I still get the feeling that the characters' names are oh-so-exotic. Nice nomenclature there.

Ok a little prob is that you do not like to break up speech and description. Having speech in the midst of descriptive text, all jumbled into one paragraph, does readers few favours.

I do like the length that you have on your chap. Long enough that it pushes the story along, while short enogh for readers like me to get into stride.

Nice poem there. breaks up the mood very well. What is a dextree?

All in all, a solid chapter indeed. I felt that it could have been done a little better, have a little more range, but I am perfectly happy as is. Do take a look at the work I am trying to get across to everbody. It is called The song of Life. Thanks.
I think the chapter wasn’t that great compared to the others, but it did it’s job. And I can’t keep away from make-up names when I can use them.

I’ll keep that in mind. I don’t often pay much attention to the structure of my story, more often focusing on the tangible stuff, like characters and description.

And yea, I’m always happy with the length of my chapters (well, except in Chapter 2).

The poem’s not made by me, but rather for me by my dear friend, The Cheshire Cat, who has left the forums.




Alright, I'm all caught up now. I liked the whole thing, I saw this awhile ago but thought it didn't sound that good so I never read it, not sure why I decided to read it, but I'm glad I did.
^-^ I’m glad you liked it.
Though the fact that you once found it dull is a bit of a put down. I hope not too many people thought the way you did upon first seeing my fic…




*fidgets* uhm...I just wanted ta know *fidgets...stares at foot, and makes circles* when...when will the next chapter be up? Just kinda curious really. Oh and btw, I got the email (00ber thanks :D) and I love all the current chapters. I like the appearance by the "mutant" Gardevoir, and that poem was an awesome touch ;) well, chap 4 will be up shortly...thanks again for emailing me the chappies :D.
<SCM>
You’re welcome! I was starting to think you didn’t get the e-mail! And the fact you liked the most recent chapter is a relief. And I had been waiting to bring in Shinari for awhile, and I had to put it off for a bit until Chessy had finished typing it up. The funny thing is that HE doesn’t even know what it means.

The next chapter? Er…that’s the thing about my writer’s block; when I get it, it doesn’t go away easily.
I swear, they need to make pills for that mind blocker…

And thanks for the mutants!





Ah, this is good!

This type of story is very mystical, it reminds me greatly of a work of Brian Jacques, my favourite author! Have you read any of his books?

0.0 TEH OMFG! J00 READ BRIAN JAQUES?! *runs around the room as if on fire*
I LOVE his work! I can’t even begin to count how many Redwall books I’ve read!
Voice that sounds a great deal like Lumerah: I know how many she’s read! And a dozen-
Psychic: SHUT UP! *whaps on head with tikki-torch* You would only know how many I’ve read since I created you! Before that you have no idea how many I’ve read!
Lumerah: Well, even though my head hurts *rubs* I still got to get out of your head, even if it is for just one post!
Psychic: *considering* A good point. It must get boring in there, even with all those random, half-formed thoughts of mine. And rolls of cheese!
Lumerah: -_- Oh how many times I almost got squashed…



Speaking of books, OMGZ SUM1 ELSE WHO HS RED THE CHRYSALIDS!!! *glomps* Great book! But the injustice infuriated me. X_X
ZONG! MORE COINCIDENCES! *bounces off walls*
It was a cool book, especially the thought of communicating via thought/images. (Well, what with my name, what else would you expect?)
And I could have killed the father. And the mother. And the rest of that forsaken town.
But an interesting read none-the-less. If only my teacher knew how to teach, then it would have been even better.



BACK TO THE FIC. I really do like it. I love this kind of fantasy, journeyish fic. It's my favourite type!!

I only noticed one mistake:

Just keep the sun at your graceful dexteree.

It should be dexteree. But that's the only mistake I noticed!

Anyway, loved it. The chapters are short and sweet, just how I like them.

Keep it up!
-;157;
And I’m glad you liked it. I was just tired of happy-go-lucky fics where everything is going right for the main character/s.

And I should have seen the mistake, but I couldn’t find the Redwall book I saw it in.
And SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don’t spoil the surprise! Not even my characters really know what that word means!

And again, the fact that the chapter length is good is pleasing.
Thanks for the review!





Psychic: So, Lumerah, you’d like more airings?
Lumerah: Well yea.
Psychic: Ok, then. Fine. *thinks* From now on, anyone who wants to is free to ask any character from the story questions, though if they can’t answer them, it’s not their fault.
Lumerah: How fun. Spending any time I have answering questions. *sees Psychic brandishing tikki-torch threateningly* Which I don’t mind doing at all! Ok, then, er, I’ll just tell the others, then! *disappears into Psychic’s head*
Psychic: Great! It's settled, then! :D

So from now on feel free to ask any questions you want to ask the characters!


~Psychic

Typhlogirl
24th September 2005, 4:58 AM
O_O

*explodes*

OMGZ YUR A BRIAN JACQUES FAN?!? THAT'S FANTASTIC!!! *jumps up and down crazily* I remembered the dexteree thing from Mattimeo. My fav one is Marlfox. Which one's yr fav? I LOVE MARLFOX! SONGxDAN 4EVA!! AAIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

On the Chrysalids, I also wanted kill all the members of the town that they lived in. Actually, I just wanted to kill all the men for discriminating against the woman. I mean, three chances, then they can be dumped for another one? WTF? That ticked me off. My teacher wasn't very good either. -_- He made us do Chapter Summaries. Bleh.

Anyway, you have writers block? That's baaaaaaaaaad. Very bad. Try listening tah music. That helps me!

Awaiting yr next chapter! ^_^

-;157;

SnoringFrog
24th September 2005, 4:58 PM
For some reason, when I first saw it, Mutations didn't sound like it would be that interesting, then I took a look at it one day and I was thinking, "Wow, I was sure wrong about this."

BTW, I'm a Jacques fan too! I recently bought Mariel of Redwall, Lord Brocktree, and Castaways of the Flying Dutchman. I've read the first 3 books in the Redwall series.

Noelor
24th September 2005, 6:31 PM
*waves Redwall flag over head* Yay for Brian Jacques! And for Dexteree, which I recognised straight away despite having not read that particular book in a couple of years now. It's rather obvious to anyone that read it, but y'know... not all of us did I guess.

Writer's Block, I banish thee!

-Sitoru

Psychic
24th September 2005, 10:00 PM
O_O

*explodes*

OMGZ YUR A BRIAN JACQUES FAN?!? THAT'S FANTASTIC!!! *jumps up and down crazily* I remembered the dexteree thing from Mattimeo. My fav one is Marlfox. Which one's yr fav? I LOVE MARLFOX! SONGxDAN 4EVA!! AAIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

On the Chrysalids, I also wanted kill all the members of the town that they lived in. Actually, I just wanted to kill all the men for discriminating against the woman. I mean, three chances, then they can be dumped for another one? WTF? That ticked me off. My teacher wasn't very good either. -_- He made us do Chapter Summaries. Bleh.

Anyway, you have writers block? That's baaaaaaaaaad. Very bad. Try listening tah music. That helps me!

Awaiting yr next chapter! ^_^

-;157;
It really IS fantastic! I liked Outcast of Redwall (the one with Sunstripe), Redwall, Mattimeo and Martin the Warrior. They have Marlfox at my library, though I haven't read it yet.

And how they treated women was disgusting. Especially *shudders* sterilization with farm tools.

And believe me, I've been trying my luck with music, and all I get are ideas for totally new stories. :P




For some reason, when I first saw it, Mutations didn't sound like it would be that interesting, then I took a look at it one day and I was thinking, "Wow, I was sure wrong about this."
Well, I'm glad you ended up liking it in the end! Huh, I wonder in what way it didn't sound good. Chibi Pika said just the title made her want to click. Odd.



BTW, I'm a Jacques fan too! I recently bought Mariel of Redwall, Lord Brocktree, and Castaways of the Flying Dutchman. I've read the first 3 books in the Redwall series

*waves Redwall flag over head* Yay for Brian Jacques! And for Dexteree, which I recognised straight away despite having not read that particular book in a couple of years now. It's rather obvious to anyone that read it, but y'know... not all of us did I guess.

Writer's Block, I banish thee!

-Sitoru
Oh, more Redwall fans! *throws confetti in the air*
Nice to see people to appreciate Brian Jaques' work! He's a really terrific author.

:P Yea, well, don't go ruining the surprise of what dexetree is! It is a bit obvious, but because the word is never used, nobody will know what it means, giving it an air of mystery.



And guys, don't feel shy to ask Heekali, Shazaro, Lumerah, Kendar or Shinari questions!


~Psychic

Entei's Girl
29th September 2005, 11:27 PM
... Interesting! I just read the whole thing- took me awhile- but I like it. A lot. Nice jub with the natural mutants. If I ever stop procrastinating, (sp=...?) I might actually submit a character. Heh, I'd love to see another fire type- my favs are Blaziken and Charizard, but I think you said you wanted to stay away from evolutionary families. A ghost type to freak everyone else out would be cool (lol). ;006;

[Cano]
30th September 2005, 1:31 AM
Uhm...I think I have a question for Shazaro. You and Lumerah seem to act like you know each other. Have your paths crossed before??

Psychic
30th September 2005, 1:51 AM
... Interesting! I just read the whole thing- took me awhile- but I like it. A lot. Nice jub with the natural mutants. If I ever stop procrastinating, (sp=...?) I might actually submit a character. Heh, I'd love to see another fire type- my favs are Blaziken and Charizard, but I think you said you wanted to stay away from evolutionary families. A ghost type to freak everyone else out would be cool (lol). ;006;
^-^ I’m glad you enjoyed reading! And I do work hard on making them seem realistic.

Oh, it would be great to get a character from you! Though I only said I didn’t want from Blaziken’s evolutionary family. Charizard…oh, wait, can’t do from that one either. Or Arcanine’s. As long as it’s not part of the evolutionary families of any of the characters, I’m ok. A Ghost Type would be fine with me.

I hope to get your mutant (preferably over PM) soon! Thanks for reading!




Uhm...I think I have a question for Shazaro. You and Lumerah seem to act like you know each other. Have your paths crossed before??
Lumerah: Oh, first question!
Do we? o.O I’ve never seen Shazaro before in my life.

Shazaro: No, we have never met before. I have seen Sandslash before meeting Lumerah, though I merely watched them. Too many times had I been attacked by creatures, simply because of my differences.
I suppose we acted this way just because we understand each other, myself having understood that she was unlike her fellow Sandslash.


~Psychic

[Cano]
30th September 2005, 2:11 AM
For Lumerah: Why are you sooo mean? You just seem too mean at times. I mean, yeah life sucks when your own kin are ready to kill you on sight, but if you don't find happiness then what's the point of life, y'know? I hope you find happiness soon.

For Heekali: So Shazaro and Lumerah were the first mutants you've ever seen huh? Do you feel stronger traveling with them? I sure would.

Psychic
30th September 2005, 3:19 AM
For Lumerah: Why are you sooo mean? You just seem too mean at times. I mean, yeah life sucks when your own kin are ready to kill you on sight, but if you don't find happiness then what's the point of life, y'know? I hope you find happiness soon.

For Heekali: So Shazaro and Lumerah were the first mutants you've ever seen huh? Do you feel stronger traveling with them? I sure would.
Lumerah: Mean? Are you kidding? Why would you say that? I can't help it if I'm the only one with commun sense!
And I'm past caring about the other Sandslash. They're probably a few weeks' journey away from where we are now. And I don't think we're gonna find happiness any time soon. Somehow, I doubt that Gardevoir's intentions are as good as she makes them out to be, and if she is telling the truth about this 'safe place', then the journey there isn't going to be a bundle of joy either.
But thanks for your good wishes anyways.


Heekali: Yea, never seen any others. Then again, I wouldn't really know; I haven't met many creatures in my life or anything.
I don't feel stronger. I guess I feel a bit safer with them around, but they may not always be able to protect me, so I'm not gonna go looking for trouble or anything. I don't think I'll ever really feel strong, though. I'm not like Lumerah.


~Psychic

[Cano]
30th September 2005, 5:10 AM
Hmm, interesting...very interesting. Alright, I have one for Kendar:

Flying always seemed so amazing to me. And seeing as how you have wings, I was wondering if you could tell me how it feels to fly. Also, what do you think about Shinari's intentions? I believe she has nothing to hide, and nothing to lie about. But then again, there are some creatures that show no moral fiber, and see no problem with boldy lieing to others for their own sick content. So anyways, what are your views?

Psychic
30th September 2005, 5:44 AM
Hmm, interesting...very interesting. Alright, I have one for Kendar:

Flying always seemed so amazing to me. And seeing as how you have wings, I was wondering if you could tell me how it feels to fly. Also, what do you think about Shinari's intentions? I believe she has nothing to hide, and nothing to lie about. But then again, there are some creatures that show no moral fiber, and see no problem with boldy lieing to others for their own sick content. So anyways, what are your views?
Kendar: Oh, it's amazing, especially when you've just learned how to do it properly. Once you’re up there, nothing else matters anymore. You’re free to swoop and dive all you want, with nobody to tell you otherwise. You can feel the breeze underneath your wings, ruffling them, and bits of moisture stick to them if you fly through clouds. It’s just the ultimate.
Shinari may very well be telling the truth, but I’m a bit skeptical. Her intentions seem good, but I’m not too sure if she can really be trusted. The directions may very well ‘lead to a pit of Gyrados’ as Lumerah said, but I just got the feeling that she could be trusted. And she wouldn’t have saved us just to get us killed: it just wouldn’t make sense. And if she is lying, it certainly isn’t for her own entertainment.
So I pretty much trust her, but not fully. I’ll be keeping a weary eye out…


~Psychic

Sike Saner
4th October 2005, 5:58 AM
Hi there. ^_^

First of all. *gives HUGE hug for Brian Jacques fandom*

Second...FWEE! Seriously, fwee, because you have gone and done my absoltue favorite type of Pokémon story - a Pokécentric story. You must understand, I adore those, rabidly. :D

Now third, I'm going to give you some grade-A kudos for those character names; they're delectably original and sound like the types of names that really suit their species. (Or "parent-species", as it were.) Bonus points for Lumerah, which is just an immensely pretty name.

Fourth, have a cookie bonanza for the "Ghosts, Ghosts, and more GHOSTS!!! Battle", as well as the bossness that is Haunting Shadow. Ghosts make me smile.

Fifth, just have some overall good vibes for a great, original story. I could eat this stuff right up like Cracker Jack; I seriously could. ^_^ Your final gift: A permanent reader. Thanks for a fantastic read, and best wishes to you and your work! :D

...Questions for characters? Ah, phooey, I stink at coming up with those...especially as I fear inciting spoilers... :( Meh, all I can think to ask right now is...Shazaro: Having grown up in an icy environment, did you ever, by chance, encounter...a Glalie? (Yeah, gee, whyever would I ask that? :p )

PS: I found a weird coincidence: You and I both have a Chapter 4 titled "The Messenger"! XD

Psychic
4th October 2005, 11:52 PM
Hi there. ^_^

First of all. *gives HUGE hug for Brian Jacques fandom*

Second...FWEE! Seriously, fwee, because you have gone and done my absoltue favorite type of Pokémon story - a Pokécentric story. You must understand, I adore those, rabidly. :D

Now third, I'm going to give you some grade-A kudos for those character names; they're delectably original and sound like the types of names that really suit their species. (Or "parent-species", as it were.) Bonus points for Lumerah, which is just an immensely pretty name.

Fourth, have a cookie bonanza for the "Ghosts, Ghosts, and more GHOSTS!!! Battle", as well as the bossness that is Haunting Shadow. Ghosts make me smile.

Fifth, just have some overall good vibes for a great, original story. I could eat this stuff right up like Cracker Jack; I seriously could. ^_^ Your final gift: A permanent reader. Thanks for a fantastic read, and best wishes to you and your work! :D


PS: I found a weird coincidence: You and I both have a Chapter 4 titled "The Messenger"! XD
Firstly: *hugs back* Yay, more Brian Jacques fans! Score another point for Redwall!

Secondly: :D Yea, I also like the ‘Pokécentirc’ fics. (Probably why I write them, lol.) Those are the best Pokéfics there are. I liked focusing more on the actual Pokémon. Humans are kinda boring in comparison.

Thirdly: Thanks! I’m glad you like them! I try to make the sounds sound right on one’s tongue. And XD; Lumerah are Heekali are my favourite names so far. Never meant for 'Lumerah' to sound pretty, though.

Fourthly: Wow, finally, a lover of the infamous ghosts of ‘the Mutations’! I’m sure Batarek would love to hear you say that. Scratch that-I think he did. *hears much laughing and high-fiveing*

Fifthly (weird word): XD for good vibes. I’m glad you think so highly of my work!
And hooray for permanent readers! I’m running out of those. Thank you for your good wishes! ^-^ *hugs*

Ok, that is an odd coincidence. 0.0 great minds think alike, I suppose!



...Questions for characters? Ah, phooey, I stink at coming up with those...especially as I fear inciting spoilers... :( Meh, all I can think to ask right now is...Shazaro: Having grown up in an icy environment, did you ever, by chance, encounter...a Glalie? (Yeah, gee, whyever would I ask that? :p )
Shazaro: Glalie? Afraid not. I do not think they live in this part of the world. Though I did once hear an old Pilowswine speak of them. It had appeared at the Ice Cave apparently after a long journey, and it told a group of young Swinub about them. They sound like interesting creatures.


But you don’t have to worry about giving away spoilers. These characters have no idea what is going to happen to them any later than when the chapter stopped. They can only tell you about their pasts and whatever they are feeling or thinking now.

They can’t get to the areas of my minds that know what is going to happen. *winks*


~Psychic

[Cano]
5th October 2005, 12:02 AM
For the entire gang: Have you ever encountered other mutants before now? If so, would you mind describing them?

Psychic
5th October 2005, 12:19 AM
For the entire gang: Have you ever encountered other mutants before now? If so, would you mind describing them?
Heekali: Like I said before: I have never seen any others before. But then again, I have seen Pokémon that I don't know, so if I ever saw another strange Pokémon, I wouldn't have recognized it as being different.

Shazaro: I'm afraid not. Strange, seeing as I've travelled so far and wide.

Lumerah: Never. Not one, unless you count a very fat Furret.

Kendar: *shakes head* No.


Was this question also aimed at any other characters?

~Psychic

[Cano]
5th October 2005, 1:02 AM
Yeah these next questions are directed toward everyone. Strange how none of them ever saw another...especially Shazaro. So, since you've never seen any others, do you think it's possible that there are no others? That maybe you are the way you are for some higher purpose, and not just out of some random gene anomaly?

Act
11th October 2005, 11:07 PM
First of all, I'll have you know I actually began reading this a while ago, and that it's very difficult to do a concrit of something you're enjoying.

Secondly, I'll apologize and beg for forgiveness as far as taking so long goes.

Thirdly, I may stop and then pick this up later.

---


So close together were the trees that only a few shafts of light penetrated the light green canopy.

Though used differently, the word 'light' is in this sentence twice.


It was, to any passerby, a wondrous sight,

That last comma there? Would be better as a colon.


Kendar was lucky to have speed on his side, lucky, yet cursed at the same time.

Hm, the syntax here is odd. Maybe an ellipses instead of a comma after 'side'?


A black body, cream chest, red wings and sharp pink talons.

This is a sentence fragment, and very random on top of that. I'm not sure what it's supposed to tie into.

You've got me into this, just to let you know. The opening is quite good.


while smiling in triumph, something amazing happened; he had evolved. Kendar started to glow a pure, bright light, and grew and grew and grew until he felt he was the size of the sun, when the glow died down and he suddenly was able to kick the Spearow off him with a new found strength.

This is very weird. The part I bolded comes out of nowhere, and, going by the second sentence, he hadn't evolved yet. I'd reword his little part, especially since it's important.

----

Meh, I have to go. I'll pick this up later.

Psychic
12th October 2005, 2:20 AM
Yeah these next questions are directed toward everyone. Strange how none of them ever saw another...especially Shazaro. So, since you've never seen any others, do you think it's possible that there are no others? That maybe you are the way you are for some higher purpose, and not just out of some random gene anomaly?
Heekali: Others? I dunno...maybe...but I'd like to hope that we don't have some kind of 'higher purpose'...

Shazaro: It is very possible that there are others. The world is very large, from what I hear. But somehow I doubt that we're more 'special' than your average Pokémon.

Lumerah: Others? Who knows? There might be, but who says that they couldn't have been killed or something. And if we WERE more than just some weird 'gene anomally', then I can't believe that gardevoir wouldn't have told us. If we ARE 'chosen', then I can't wait to have a 'word' with Shinari! *jabs claws in the air*

Kendar: No others? I wouldn't say there aren't, but who knows? And if Shazaro never saw any others, then maybe they were just trying to stay out of sight. But the world goes beyond the forest. I doubt that we have a 'higher purpose'. We're a rather sad little group, and I can't imagine us doing anything more complicated then getting to that 'safe place' of Shinari's.

Shinari: If there are indeed other creatures like them or not I am not permitted to say, and if they play a higher role I know not, but doubt. I for one, am not quite on the same 'level' as these misfits...



First of all, I'll have you know I actually began reading this a while ago, and that it's very difficult to do a concrit of something you're enjoying.

Secondly, I'll apologize and beg for forgiveness as far as taking so long goes.

Thirdly, I may stop and then pick this up later.
^-^ I'll take that as a compliment! I'm glad you liked it that much!

As for taking so long, it's quite all right. I'm like that all the time. As long as the final review isn't a single line saying 'gud job, u rok!' I'm happy.

And that's fine with me. The more mistakes you find...well, the more I know what I need to improve on!

Well, thank you for what you have done so far. It's much appreciated.


~Psychic

Tale
12th October 2005, 9:40 PM
FINALLY! Sorry I took so long, Psychic...

But, I've finally read it and I have to say that I'm finding this a very compelling read.

I wont bother picking out typos or anything seeing as thats five chapters to go through and I'm sure they've been pointed out already =P

But, on with the review.

One thing that stood out for me in this fic, and proabably many others, was the characters. Of course, using mutations as the basis of the plot should dish out nothing but, but its not just the appearance of them, but the personalitites.
Again, despite their physical uniqueness I felt that all characters are incredibly seperate in their personalities. You've given them such a great range, Heeklai, innocent and naive, Kendar, wise and strong, Shazaro, adventurous and street-wise (or in this case, wilderness-wise) etc. that was and aspect that really stood out for me.

Not only the characters, but the settings and scenery were beautiful. Though you didn't list off description, you described the forest very subtly to the point where it was enough. Also, the description of the 'void' created by the Gardevoir, I felt was beautiful and so well described. I was hoping that during the description, you wouldn't involve any logical explanation, which luckily you didn't and it turned out to be an amazing imaginative piece of work.
So far, the language is great, I have no qualms over it whatsoever. As I mentioned in the description, you used the language in an easy-to-read manner, yet it was still perfectly descriptive.

Now the plot, that is fantastic. Gripping, original, creative - everything I search for in a fic really. It's deep, it's captivating and houses lots of mystery, which, lets face it, everyone adores. Nothing to fault about the plot really - much like everything else in the fic.

Well, I've gone blank so I'm taking it I've said everything I wanted to. Either that or sitting at the computer listening to the same songs ten times over for about five hours is getting to my head @_@ I do have a life...honestly...>>;;

Brilliant job, Psychic, I can understand why this fic is so popular. Perhaps I'll be able to review again IN TIME for the next chapter =P, which I'm greatly looking forward too ^.^

Act
13th October 2005, 10:17 PM
Yay! Me continuing.

----


bright light, and grew and grew and grew until

Hehhee... xD *regains composure* Try not to use 'and' more than once in a sentence; this is a very juvenile sounding thing.


with a new found strength.

New-found should either by hyphenated or one word, I'm pretty sure.


The Spearow too,

There should be a comma before the 'too' as well.


“Bacrawww! No earth-crawling Worm is able to fly! You have broken the law of Normalicy! You are an abnormal land-worm! You will pay for this!”

This is a little weird. I mean, why does the spearow care? It's not his problem, really. And I wouldn't have him /saying/ 'Bacrawwwww'... it sounds little weird. Also, it's 'normality', not 'normalicy', I'm pretty sure.


It was all Kendar could do to dodge it.

What was all Kendar could do?


Kendar too, remembered what he was fighting for, and

Whoa, comma abuse. Take out the 'too' and both commas.


just saved you.” Kendar

This should be a comma.


Never would Kendar forget that day, not a year ago.

Hm, take out the ', not a'. It alters the meaning of the senetnce.


Then they had chased him away, and was

Should be 'away, and he was...'


Law.” he

Should be a comma.


matters.” Kendar

Comma.


“Perfect timing too.” he

Comma.

----

Alrighty! I enjoyed this. It's not a masterpiece at this point, but it's an interesting idea. It makes me think of that girl with the mutated gene for purple eyes. It's a cool idea, but would you really like to be the random person?

Your grammar needs a little work, and the prose is good but not amazing. It actually reminds me of mine, which is good or bad depending.

I'm afraid to tell you to describe because, really, I didn't feel it lacking here at all. I'm scared that if I do, you'll turn into some of the other authors here and pour purple paint on me. So here's my advice: Remember to add description, but keep character development and plot up a tad higher.

I think I'll do chapter two after I clear up my other reviews a bit. This was an easy read with the potential to be quite good.

PsiUmbreon
25th October 2005, 5:45 AM
Ok, I finally got around to reading your latest chapter. I don't understand, you put off posting for an even longer time than I have, yet you still get wayyyy more replies. :<

Anyways, enough complaining. I liked the chapter, even though it was only them deciding they need to get going to search for that nice place the Gardevoir told them about and then barely starting to search. :D *wishes you would write more soon*

Anyways couple of mistakes I noticed:


Kendar nodded. “Leaving seems like the best option. We should trust the mysterious Gardevior.”
WHAT? HOW DARE YOU MISSPELL THE NAME OF MY SECOND FAVORITE POKEMON? SHAME ON YOU!!!!! *throws a lump of tungsten at you*


Shinari, and if we do end up in a Gyrados pit, it will be only because of your own foolishness.”
It's Gyarados, not Gyrados. That's a common mistake though.


However, no Diglett poked their heads out of the soil, nor did any rock appear to suddenly spring to life.
Diglett is a Ground type, not a Rock type. :o

EDIT: Oh, but I think there's a tense agreement error. See, you should probably change "poked" to "poke" or change the other verbs to past tense. Or something like that.

Although, you don't really have the games, so I probably shouldn't be so harsh on you like that. Anyways, yeah whenever you can, keep it up :o

IceKing
27th October 2005, 12:01 AM
Hey Psychic! Ive seen you review a lot and your very helpful to other people so I figured I might as well give you a review. Ive been off fanfiction for a while because of school but I think I'm going to return now and start off by reviewing a lot of fics and hopefully learn how to improve on mine (since im planning a rewrite of one of my fics here). I wont be able to do my usual style of reviewing which consists of qoutations but Im just going to give a paragraph of what I feel on each chapter. Also, I wont mention grammar since I noticed many other reviewers did.

Prologue

Ok nvm, I can use qoutes.

First let me start of by sayign that I LOVE the way you use incorporate the descriptions into the story. I feel that it doesn't disrupt the flow (for the record, when I say flow I mean how smoothly it goes for me without disrupting my attention span) I really liked how you described the setting in the first part as well.


“Bacrawww! No earth-crawling Worm is able to fly! You have broken the law of Normalicy! You are an abnormal land-worm! You will pay for this!” and so the little bird started dive bombing him relentlessly, non-stop.


Hmm for some reason, I could not hear a Spearow crying that. It sounded kinda of different. What was the kind of dialect that you had in mind?


“G-g-get away f-from m-me, y-you, y-y-you…freak!” he shouted, his fear showing in his large tearful eyes. Never, in his entire life, would Kendar ever forget the look on his brother’s face; surprise, fear, confusion and agony from his battle prior to his brother’s evolution, shaping his face into one that scared him.
Very nice little passage there when he was rejected from his brothers. I already see the Theme of those who are different get rejected in society forming, especially with the Spearow's "Law of Normalcy" declaration. However, this theme is used a lot and I can see this fic becoming cliche but I highly doubt it since its you writing it.


“Mmmmm, those sure were good apples!” he said happily, troubles temporarily forgotten. He was in the process of patting his stomach in content, but instead of seeing a ruby coloured stomach, he saw his stomach had taken on an orange-ish pallor.
The scene seemed to have gone by too quickly, I prefer letting things sink in. Again, I dont feel the dialect, but im more interesting in that final line, because I'm pretty sure I know whats going on

Overall: Very nice, im not the most intelligent of Serebii (I only rank like #3....) so Im not huge on analyzing some of the more common bad things to point out, so the only suggest I have for your at this point is dialect and to steer clear from cliche. But other than that, very good and I hope your way of incorporating descriptions can help me out later (since thats one of my problems)

Chapter One


“Hey Batarek, do ya think that if I yank out ‘is tail, all da uders’ll finally grow out?” the Gengar who was holding him by the tail asked the gang’s boss. The others, who were all off to the side laughed heartily, patting each other on spiked purple backs.



I got a STRONG image of Team Rocket hearing that. That's some good dialogue!



“It isn’t all that simple you know. Life, I mean. Sometimes we tend to see only its darker side, and when we do, we think there’s no good left for us, and feel like giving up. But we must look at the bright side, and find a reason to keep going on living. See what I mean?” he commented.


Another theme development I see. Life is precious... I take it the Vulpix is still young and cant bear the emotions of being rejected but the Gligar is strong and supresses his emotions like a typical army guy like charachter.


If I so desire, I can inject a small, but very powerful poison into an enemy’s bloodstream, that ironically freezes the victim’s blood-flow and stops all organs from operating. Don’t worry, I didn’t poison all the Gengar, just stabbed them a few times for good measure.” Shazaro added earnestly, after seeing the look on Heekali’s anxious face.


I think it would be better if you seperated those two sentences together because I expect a pause in between them when Heekali gets anxious. For me, I still hear explanatory rather than reassuring in the Dont Worry sentence.


“Great! But, where will we go?” Heekali wondered. “Nobody wants to have a couple of ‘freaks’ around.” he asked, hanging his head dejectedly.

“Wherever we feel like, my young friend! To the highest mountain, in the deepest ocean, to the coldest wasteland, or to the hottest desert!” he said happily.


Ehhhh, this passage seemed extremely Disney movie likeish, which I don't think really fits your story. But Im not too fussy about it.

Overall: Interesting how you brought in the two new charachters, I like the way you present dialect much better now. Also, the charachters are a tiny bit cliche (tired of living, strong loner) but I really dont mind too much since its pretty hard to make a charachter who is not cliche but still fits your desires. I just wanted to point out that I am VERY VERY VERY glad that their not being rejected because their shiny (though another pokemon later probably will be shiny). Im also glad that they are all different for their own reasons: Grovyle (Some sort of early adaptation theory variation or hybridinzation with Spearow), Vulpix (Born mutated), and Gligar (Natural Adaptation, though I think this is biologically impossible in one lifetime, but again I wont fuss). Im hoping this doesnt turn into a Disney Movie like thing, but judging from your banner it probably wont. Also, its really really really really funny seeing all the grammar mistakes you had at this point :)

Chapter Two


But as the Vulpix jumped and pranced about with newfound energy in the evening sun, and the Gligar hovered lazily over his head, they were oblivious to the green and brown blur that had been marking their every move for ten minutes.



Ugg, prancing and dancing. What I feared... But suspense too :)


“Sandslash.” the creature finished matter-of-factly in a feminine voice. “Lumerah the Sandslash. Well, I’m not really considered a Sandslash, anyways.” she said pointedly.


Ohhhh, I was thinking it was the Grovyle! Goes to show you that you shouldnt assume imemdiately and be sure to read the descriptions carefully no matter what.


Lumerah sighed. “I guess that’s how it is everywhere. I’m not surprised. Tolerance is rare nowadays.”


I like how your revealing your themes clearly through the dialogues but be sure to have had it through major actions in the future chapters as well.


Overall: It wasn't bad but wasnt great either. Its ok to have a not so fantabulous chapter once in a while as long as its not horrible. I think too many mutants are beign introduced, you do know that a mutation would be pretty rare and even rarer to have four in one area. Also, be sure to develop your charachters nicely. At this point their kinda bland. When reading about the Sandslash I kept thinking about this one fic about an outcasted Sandshrew/slash I started writing about. If you write some nice scenes with that Sandslash later, I might get inspiration again! Oh and Question, do Sandslash's claws and spikes act like leaves? Though I probably will find out later. I still cant really see the huge difference in the Grovyle claw...

Chapter Three



“Well, don’t just leave them lying around for anybeast to pick up!” Lumerah said angrily and set about burying the offending roots. Soil flew about her as the Sandslash went about digging a hole.


Ah Im liking how your making Lumerah a bit mean and harsh. I didnt realize she was female till now though.


Lumerah sat in a low branch of an elm tree, allowing one leg to hang carelessly under her, swinging it back and forth lazily. Heekali lay on his back on the soft ground, paws in the air, watching her leg’s progress as if he were in a trace. Shazaro leaned against a nearby tree, watching the sun set over a sea of green that seemed to stretch out until the ends of the earth.

“You know, the Xatu believe when the sun is red like that, is means blood was or shall be spilt. They believe it is an Omen of darkness.” Shazaro said quietly, thinking back to one of his many adventures.



Poor guys, all they can do is eat and lie around. I hope youll find some more exciting things for them to do, like fight with the power rangers against the evil Lord Transmorgobot! *watches that actually be the final chapter* Also, there is some pretty obvious foreshadowing the red sun and omen of darkenss, though try to have your foreshadowings be a bit more subtle next time. Perhaps the battle will between the mutants+power rangers+Misty VS The Cast of the OC!



“Eyes!” he screeched at Demons only the fox appeared to be able to see. “Huge, staring eyes! Evil! Gonna kill me! Gonna kill us!” he wailed, and suddenly burst out crying.


And the vulpix is a he as well... This is defintely a point of interest, is this a nightmare or real? That thing in your banner does look like a demon or (hopefully) a mutant Jynx with wings and a helmet.


Shazaro looked closely into the shadows, but quickly regretted it, for he saw a sight that struck fear into his heart; a sight that he knew he would never forget in all his life. For it was as Heekali had said; eyes. Yet they were so much more than that; Evil, glinting, bloodshot eyes. Some were huge, bright blue ones that shone like Sapphires. Others were more plain, but no less evil-feeling. Every time an eye blinked, it would disappear and then reappear somewhere else.


Wonderful description (that i havent really read since that Prologue) but eyes are extremely common as a source of darknesss.


Gengar, Banette, Sableye, attack!” the Gengar shouted gleefully as a huge mass of Ghosts surged forward in one, giant wave that crashed into the three friends, pummeling them unmercifully.

All three were suddenly struck, both physically and mentally. Each Ghost slashed and bit, the pain staying there for long periods after being hit. The Banette screeched in a deafening, high pitched voice that forced Heekali, Shazaro and Lumerah to cover their ears in unbearable pain.

You should really put more description there, after all a huge wave of ghosts are charging and I cant really picture it too well. Also, im glad that its the ghosts who are attacking, thats a good plot turn.


“Nobody’s gonna save you this time!” he hissed evilly, and was just about to release the dark sphere when a flurry of light green hit him in the side. He yowled in pain, and his connection with the dark ball diminished, so the sphere shimmered, then seemed to melt into the air.


I KNEW he would come. It was the perfect oppurtunity... I liked the actual battle descritpions btw, kept me interested.


Heekali looked up at it fearfully, Shazaro stared in silent awe, Lumerah glared at it angrily and Kendar watched it defiantly; but each one knew, no matter how much they wanted to deny it, that they were staring Death in the face.


Nice...who's going to save them this time? Perhaps (you guessed it), the power rangers? Though you said the black sky was the omen of death when before you said..oh nvm. Dont go too overboard on the omens though. How many ghost pokemon are there in total attackign btw?

Overall: The first part was kinda of dull and not that interesting but it was definetely building up for the second part which was definetely much more exciting. I see from your comments that you wanted to do a peaceful sunset as irony of what would happen next. As for the great brawl, Id give it around a 6.5/10. I could not picture the wave that well but the actual attacks I coudl see, though sometimes the attack descriptions kind of got stale. I feel bad for the Vulpix not being able to do anything. I personally think it would have been better if you ended the chapter on the Grovyle's entry into the battle since that is a pretty big event. Also, whats up with the randomly asking "hey you want to join our group?" Thats not really appropraite in the midst of a huge brawl... But overall I liked this chapter and im liking this fic, I can tell when I review the next half its going to be pretty exciting!


Ok, thats enough reviewing for one day (took me an hour and twenty minutes to do all that) Ill finish up this review tomorow or tonight so stay tuned! Good luck with the fic!


Chapter Four:


Then, out of nowhere, it seemed, there was a bright light. A blinding light. The companions squeezed their eyes shut to block out its brilliance.

I didn't like how you wrote this...can't really think of anything else to say XD


As the light died down, and the travelers opened their eyes, they felt as if they were the exact opposite of dead; they were more alive than ever before.


“We are nowhere, and yet we are everywhere,” A grand, feminine voice replied.


Though the ghosts do believe you to be dead.” She replied gently.

Comma after dead and you might wanna rephrase that sentence


“I, am Shinari. Messenger of the Greater Good,” She said, with an elegant bow.


It is a paradise in which you will no longer be persecuted by those who take pride in calling themselves the Norm.

I don't think the word Norm really fits her tone


The group took a little while to digest this information, each lost in their own doubtful thoughts. ‘Is this Gardevoir really who she says she is? Is there really an Evil that threatens us all?’ Kendar mused. ‘Can I ever find a place where I’ll be safe, from all the teasing and sadness and pain? What if we don’t find the place in time?’ Worried Heekali. ‘Do I dare trust her? She doesn’t give very straight answers, and we don’t know is she’s lying. And yet, she saved us…’ Lumerah argued with herself. ‘Will the going be too rough for us? Can we avoid the Evil and dangers of our path?’ Shazaro wondered, his mind made up.


Nice passage, but you should split it up to make it look more readable

Overall: Very interesting chapter, good mood setting and everything. This to me felt just like the scene in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time when Link awakens and speaks to Rauro (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, just take it as a compliment). Shinari was an interesting charachter, I wonder if she is a mutant as well? Now this is beginning to remind me of X-men since they're apparently running from evil (who they obviously must fight) and are looking for the safe haven. I liked how Lumerah was all pissed off because of Gardevoir's vagueness, good way of developing her charachter. The poem/prophecy was absolutely excellent, hats off to the Chesire Cat. Only critism I have again in clicheness, but again I'm not too fussed with it.

Chapter Five:


‘It all happened so fast,’ he thought, smiling crookedly. ‘Ok, I just need to digest this one bit at a time; I saved Heekali from a few Gengar. While traveling together, Lumerah-’ well, he didn’t like to think that she had just attacked him for no reason! ‘-er, joined us. We went to sleep and when we woke up, only to have a bunch of Gengar, Banette and Sableye attack us.’ Shazaro skipped most of the battle, preferring not to think about it. ‘Kendar saved Heekali, Lumerah used Earthquake so we could get away, and they used that odd shadow attack on us.’ Shazaro shuddered at this memory, so he quickly moved on in a daze. “We were teleported to some weird place where this beautiful Gardevoir told us that we had to find a place where we’d be safe, or else. And now…”

This passage was quite difficult to read, though I understand how hard it must have been!


Shazaro smiled to himself, glad that the two young ones were getting some well deserved rest.

Lumerah is young o_0? Wouldn't have guessed it with her fighting skills


He looked down upon them, Heekali on his back and Lumerah on her side, and watched their chests rise and fall in an easy, rhythmic pattern.


“Yes,” she murmured in awe.


“A moment ago I couldn’t remember a word of what Shinari had said, but when I thought about it, the exact words sprang up, as if to reassure me,” he said quietly.



“Same with me,” Lumerah added, trying to keep the awe out of her voice, but she failed miserably.


Also, I think it would be better if you put failing miserably


Lumerah flew up a rowan, from there going more horizontal, and she leaped from one tree to the other, also trying to avoid the sleeping forms of Pineco and the searching feelers of any Beedrill one may come across.


However, no Diglett poked their heads out of the soil, nor did any rock appear to suddenly spring to life.

Aww, it would have been funnier if it did

Overall: The grammar mistakes REALLY started to get to me in this chapter since it was mainly discussion. I decided to just quit qouting and just say "No period in dialogue if theres a "she said" or something afterwards!" I liked the way it started and how Shazaro and Kendar were discussing how Lumerah and Hadaki (sp??) are all too young for this. I still no matter what I do can't picture Lumerah young! She's too fresh and...ooh like a teenage girl! So apparently there off on the search for this place, I think that makes a pretty good plot, a bit corny though. I wonder what troubles they run into searching for this lone tree, I hope it wont be Heekali finding it, that would be a bit too obvious. And watch out for those thought paragraphs, the way you did them in this chapter was quite hard to read and a bit too much at one time.


Chapter Six: Whaaa there is no Chapter Six! Aww, good luck writing it. I had same problems writing the original WIQ.


COMPLETE OVERALL: Good job! This is a very interesting fic and I can hardly wait to read the next chapter! My suggestions are up in the individual chapter reviews, good luck writing, I can't type another word of this review XD

Mud the Ivysaur
3rd December 2005, 5:04 AM
This is one of the best fics I've ever read. Your a great writer Psychic. And you have one of my fav Grass Pokemon in there too! Not only that, but you have a way with words, and a great story idea. Keep up the good work Psychic.

MerkelHog
3rd December 2005, 5:20 AM
Psychic this is one of the better fics in this forum. When is the next chapter going to be up because I can not wait. I understand that you have been busy lately so just take your time putting up the new chap.

Terria
3rd December 2005, 8:58 AM
Hiyaz Psychic!
You know, maybe its just me but i think its time for a new mutation to pop up........
Here's two ideas:
Jeara the Larvitar
Has the power to use water attacks and controls water and ice at will. She should have red coloured areas on her body. She should be a very troubled girl who is very easily confused and indecisive. She should also have a very shadowy past and be afraid of her mutation. She received her mutations so that she could protect her brother, who was unfortunately killed by a flood she thinks she caused.
Zioran the Scyther
Has the power to generate electricity in his arms. When that happens, he can slash the air to send a wave of blue lightning crackling towards his enemies. He can also charge his blade arms so that they become sharp enough to cut through diamond. He is very calm and mature. He should also have a very sharp tongue and a sarcastic sense of humour. One of the existing characters should dislike him and the two of them could spend all their time shooting each other down with insults. He received his mutation because he was a Team Rocket experiment......until he escaped and blew up the lab on the way out.

Psychic
3rd December 2005, 9:35 PM
FINALLY! Sorry I took so long, Psychic...

But, I've finally read it and I have to say that I'm finding this a very compelling read.

I wont bother picking out typos or anything seeing as thats five chapters to go through and I'm sure they've been pointed out already =P

But, on with the review.

One thing that stood out for me in this fic, and proabably many others, was the characters. Of course, using mutations as the basis of the plot should dish out nothing but, but its not just the appearance of them, but the personalitites.
Again, despite their physical uniqueness I felt that all characters are incredibly seperate in their personalities. You've given them such a great range, Heeklai, innocent and naive, Kendar, wise and strong, Shazaro, adventurous and street-wise (or in this case, wilderness-wise) etc. that was and aspect that really stood out for me.

Not only the characters, but the settings and scenery were beautiful. Though you didn't list off description, you described the forest very subtly to the point where it was enough. Also, the description of the 'void' created by the Gardevoir, I felt was beautiful and so well described. I was hoping that during the description, you wouldn't involve any logical explanation, which luckily you didn't and it turned out to be an amazing imaginative piece of work.
So far, the language is great, I have no qualms over it whatsoever. As I mentioned in the description, you used the language in an easy-to-read manner, yet it was still perfectly descriptive.

Now the plot, that is fantastic. Gripping, original, creative - everything I search for in a fic really. It's deep, it's captivating and houses lots of mystery, which, lets face it, everyone adores. Nothing to fault about the plot really - much like everything else in the fic.

Well, I've gone blank so I'm taking it I've said everything I wanted to. Either that or sitting at the computer listening to the same songs ten times over for about five hours is getting to my head @_@ I do have a life...honestly...>>;;

Brilliant job, Psychic, I can understand why this fic is so popular. Perhaps I'll be able to review again IN TIME for the next chapter =P, which I'm greatly looking forward too ^.^
I’m glad you found it so addictive. I try to hook my readers for good!

Yea, I knew I wanted to write about misfits when I started. The idea of the pain they have to endure was just something I wanted to talk about because we all sometimes feel like social outcasts. I wanted them to range in all kinds of personalities so they would have a harder time getting along. Nothing in life is easy, and you get what you get. They each came from a different neck of the woods, and I wanted to show how their histories affected who they are.

I also wanted to go for a nice, peaceful setting to show the contrast more distinctly. And I’ve learned over the years about ‘show, don’t tell’ (thanks to my grade 7 Creative Writing teacher-thanks, Peggy!) so that I don’t bore readers to death with description, as I’m obsessed with describing things properly.
I wanted Shinari’s void of nowhere and everywhere to be magical, something that can not be described through science. I love describing scenes like that, and I’m overjoyed that you thought it was so good!

I try to make the story flow so that readers will read it, finish the chapter and ask themselves why it was so short when it’s seven pages long. I try to keep them interested, so that I can easily get a point across while doing it with style.

And the plot is only just developing! There are going to be many obstacles in the path of these misfits!

Aw, the fic isn’t that popular! I’m glad you think it is/ought to be, though!
It’s a shame you won’t review again, though. Wish you weren’t leaving the forums.





Alrighty! I enjoyed this. It's not a masterpiece at this point, but it's an interesting idea. It makes me think of that girl with the mutated gene for purple eyes. It's a cool idea, but would you really like to be the random person?

Your grammar needs a little work, and the prose is good but not amazing. It actually reminds me of mine, which is good or bad depending.

I'm afraid to tell you to describe because, really, I didn't feel it lacking here at all. I'm scared that if I do, you'll turn into some of the other authors here and pour purple paint on me. So here's my advice: Remember to add description, but keep character development and plot up a tad higher.

I think I'll do chapter two after I clear up my other reviews a bit. This was an easy read with the potential to be quite good.
No, it certainly isn’t, but I’m (more or less) working on it. And I have no idea what the point in that last part was. o.O

Wait…you didn’t feel it was lacking description, but I still need more? Erm, all right…
I’ll keep that in mind for the future, thanks. And if ‘pouring paint’ and ‘biting head off’ have similar meanings, then don’t worry; I don’t chew out reviewers unless they say something stupid.

I’m glad it was an easy read and I look forward to the continuation of your review!

Also, thank you for finding all those mistakes. There’s only one thing you said I want to comment on.

This is a little weird. I mean, why does the spearow care? It's not his problem, really. And I wouldn't have him /saying/ 'Bacrawwwww'... it sounds little weird. Also, it's 'normality', not 'normalicy', I'm pretty sure.
It isn’t so much that it actually cares. The thing is that all Pokémon have this sort of code, a law that you’re supposed to be born like your parents and you grow up looking the same way others of your clan do. Those who are different are looked down upon and even feared to an extent.
I know that “Bacrawwwww” is weird for it to saw, but because all Pokémon speech is translated, having it saw “Speaaaar!” would have been odd, and I could just imagine a Spearow saying that for some reason.
The SpellCheck told me it was ‘normality’, but I went out on a limb and made up a new word that sounded better and fit the idea properly. :P





This is one of the best fics I've ever read. Your a great writer Psychic. And you have one of my fav Grass Pokemon in there too! Not only that, but you have a way with words, and a great story idea. Keep up the good work Psychic.
I’m glad you like my writing so much, especially to the extent that you attempt to copy my Prologue, but if it’s the best fic you’ve ever read, you should get out more.

The fact that you like my writing style and ‘plot’ is pleasing. Thanks for the review, even if it was short.





Psychic this is one of the better fics in this forum. When is the next chapter going to be up because I can not wait. I understand that you have been busy lately so just take your time putting up the new chap.
Wow, thanks for the amazing review. -_- You could have pointed out what you liked instead of just making such an ignorant comment.

At least I know that you liked it. Please don’t pester me about continuing-I don’t spew chapters out of my arse. And I have been busy-first play, now Exams are coming up.





Hiyaz Psychic!
You know, maybe its just me but i think its time for a new mutation to pop up........
Here's two ideas:
Jeara the Larvitar
Has the power to use water attacks and controls water and ice at will. She should have red coloured areas on her body. She should be a very troubled girl who is very easily confused and indecisive. She should also have a very shadowy past and be afraid of her mutation. She received her mutations so that she could protect her brother, who was unfortunately killed by a flood she thinks she caused.
Zioran the Scyther
Has the power to generate electricity in his arms. When that happens, he can slash the air to send a wave of blue lightning crackling towards his enemies. He can also charge his blade arms so that they become sharp enough to cut through diamond. He is very calm and mature. He should also have a very sharp tongue and a sarcastic sense of humour. One of the existing characters should dislike him and the two of them could spend all their time shooting each other down with insults. He received his mutation because he was a Team Rocket experiment......until he escaped and blew up the lab on the way out.
Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but an actual review of my fic would have been nice. I don’t remember seeing you review before, so I don’t even know if you’ve read my story.

And I can’t accept either of your mutants, not because I’m not even sure if you’ve read the story, but because of the Pokémon themselves.

I actually already have a Larvitar character for later on. I won’t give details so as not to spoil anything, but I just don’t want more than one of a single species, mostly because it would be unlikely for multiple Pokémon of the same species to have a mutation unless it was because of a genetic reason. And Larvitar are insanely rare and won’t usually be found in forests.

Zioran has a clichéd history. That and these mutations are natural, not brought on by scientific experimentation. Also, I don’t think it would make enough sense to give a Scyther electric powers, no matter how awesome it would be. And I’m also planning on having a Scyther later as well.
Why does everyone think of the same Pokémon? o.O



Thank you all for your review, no matter how little they help me. At least they keep the thread alive. :D


~Psychic

Yami Ryu
3rd December 2005, 11:05 PM
@_@ sooo much

It's like when I tried to read The Hobbit, there was just so much my wittle brain couldn't take it. I could apriciate how the book is good, it's just soooo much of it at once XD

Anyways I read the first chapter, bit of the second and the third, and have to say from what I read, I didn't see anything wrong. In fact it comes off as a very deep and well written fic, and I love how you didn't skimp the description or emotional depth of the characters like some writers tend to do, even me sometimes XD

Also for some reason I loved how the Spearow talked as it attacked the newly evolved Treecko or Grovyle rather O.o dunno why, I just did, and it seems to have fit the Spearow to a T.

I know you wanted a fair and just review, but it can't come from me, I am not good with reading fics like this, as I don't read too much/too far in fear of accidently stealing something because I forgot I saw it in so and so's fic.

Terria
4th December 2005, 5:46 AM
0_0
It's like i'm reading ur mind, Psychic. Hehe
Sorry i didnt post earlier, but i was busy. Anyways, i really like your story. I didnt post before because i was still reading.
It's really coming along nicely, but u really could use some comic relief here and there.
I like the spearow. It's just as dumb as i imagined it to be
I quote: "You have broken the law of Normalcy!" God.....that's one dumb jock.
Still, it seems a little....hyperactive.
It would be nice if we had an electric mutant though....

Tazzari-san
21st December 2005, 2:24 PM
Ooooookkkkiiiieeeeee.... this was a really good fic! =D I have a question for the author: How many chapters are there gonna be???
I'm not really sure, but I'll try to read this as long as I can so you can count me in as an official member (although I tend to forget about these kinds of stuff XP)
I have a question for all the characters: Have anyone of you seen a Shiny Pokemon? (You know... those Pokemon that don't have the same color as the original one? [Eg: a Golden Magikarp, a Red Metapod, a Purple Swampert]
I'm soree but I don't think I'll be able to criticize. XP You see, I'm a bit of a begginer at criticizing and criticism isn't really my style [but I like people criticizing my work... weeeeiiiiiiiiirrrrrrd.... (0_o) ].
If I ever make a fic here in Serebii, I hope you'll be able to be there to criticize my work, thanx! =D

Psychic
21st December 2005, 4:45 PM
@_@ sooo much

It's like when I tried to read The Hobbit, there was just so much my wittle brain couldn't take it. I could apriciate how the book is good, it's just soooo much of it at once XD

Anyways I read the first chapter, bit of the second and the third, and have to say from what I read, I didn't see anything wrong. In fact it comes off as a very deep and well written fic, and I love how you didn't skimp the description or emotional depth of the characters like some writers tend to do, even me sometimes XD

Also for some reason I loved how the Spearow talked as it attacked the newly evolved Treecko or Grovyle rather O.o dunno why, I just did, and it seems to have fit the Spearow to a T.

I know you wanted a fair and just review, but it can't come from me, I am not good with reading fics like this, as I don't read too much/too far in fear of accidently stealing something because I forgot I saw it in so and so's fic.
Ah, I read The Hobbit. Took me almost two years to read (read it in intervals). Didn’t really like it.

You like it? You really think it’s good? You, Renegade, thinking my, Psychic’s fic is good? *is touched*
So…you think the description and emotion is good? You think it’s deep? Oh, I’ve been wanting to hear these things for so long!

You liked the way Spearow spoke? Finally! I knew I could only get it to say a small few things, so I tried to word it right.

*eyes sparkle* I did want a good review, but what you gave me tells me that at least I’m doing some things right. I’m glad you tried, and at least you told me the truth. (You did, right?)
But honestly, I would have been honored if you had copied one of my ideas, or at least gained inspiration from my fic. They say it’s the best form of flattery!

But Ren, thank you soooo much for just coming over here and reading! *hugs*




0_0
It's like i'm reading ur mind, Psychic. Hehe
Sorry i didnt post earlier, but i was busy. Anyways, i really like your story. I didnt post before because i was still reading.
It's really coming along nicely, but u really could use some comic relief here and there.
I like the spearow. It's just as dumb as i imagined it to be
I quote: "You have broken the law of Normalcy!" God.....that's one dumb jock.
Still, it seems a little....hyperactive.
It would be nice if we had an electric mutant though....
Oh, it’s okay that you didn’t post earlier. :P
Comic relief? Well, Heekali himself is sometimes what I use to make people smile, but otherwise this isn’t a happy Disney sort of story.
Dumb? o.O The Spearow isn’t dumb. I didn’t want him to be dumb and he didn’t come off as being dumb. And it isn’t hyperactive so much as it’s enraged that there’s an abnormal creature around, which is breaking a Law.
The thing about an electric mutant is that it just wouldn’t seem as natural. All these anomalies happened naturally and by chance, and I can’t quite see a random Pokémon gaining electric powers. I’ll consider it, though.




Ooooookkkkiiiieeeeee.... this was a really good fic! =D I have a question for the author: How many chapters are there gonna be???
I'm not really sure, but I'll try to read this as long as I can so you can count me in as an official member (although I tend to forget about these kinds of stuff XP)

I'm soree but I don't think I'll be able to criticize. XP You see, I'm a bit of a begginer at criticizing and criticism isn't really my style [but I like people criticizing my work... weeeeiiiiiiiiirrrrrrd.... (0_o) ].
If I ever make a fic here in Serebii, I hope you'll be able to be there to criticize my work, thanx! =D
I’m glad you like it.
How many chapters? I’m only on Chapter 5; it’s impossible to tell at this point. If I had to guess, Id say somewhere around…forty. Yup, although if I continue writing at this pace, I won’t be done for a good ten more years. But geez, why would you want to know?
I’m glad I have another reader, at least.

Ah, er that’s okay, I suppose. But it isn’t weird that you want other people to criticize your work. It’s called ‘being lazy’. Everyone wants reviews, but nobody ever likes reviewing. That’s why I do it.


I have a question for all the characters: Have anyone of you seen a Shiny Pokemon? (You know... those Pokemon that don't have the same color as the original one? [Eg: a Golden Magikarp, a Red Metapod, a Purple Swampert]
Heekali: Like I’ve said before: if I’ve ever seen a Poémon that was different in any way, I wouldn’t have known it was different.

Lumerah: Don’t think so.

Kendar: No…

Shazaro: I don’t think so, but I have heard of them.


~Psychic

PJay
7th January 2006, 11:11 PM
hey :D i think your fic is brill psychic so i commend you for an excellent read so far :) cant wait for the next chapter (any idea wen that will be up?) lol no pressure :P ive been so captivated by your fic that ive been drawing the characters from it. Once i get my scanner to work ill give you the link :D keep up the excellent work :)

Lady Myuu
13th January 2006, 2:11 AM
Mrr its been awhile hasn't it? I'm rather rusty on most of the older facts so I'll just comment on the chapters I've read lately. The plot is original to an extent in pokemon fics while not so much in real fics, misfits dealing with something evil sounds like something I have heard before.

But it being well written and done well it being used before doesn't matter. My suggestions is to use more discription in some places, as while you don't have to explain the characters as much I get the odd names mixed up easily and sometimes maybe you could help remind people by going 'text here' said the sandshrew or something a tad more often.

Could still use I dun know... something a big more. Its just not sitting with me right, its good and yet I see some potential that isn't being used o.O really havn't a clue what I am getting at.

Mrr the character personalities are different some ways and are a tad to close togather in others. I know your trying to get it across but I still think they are acting a little cloned in someways... maybe I'm wrong I just think you could explote it more...

I loooove the vulpix <3 <3 <3 soo cute.

I defently see a difference from the older chapters and the newer ones, great improvement, just keep on writing. :D

Demy
14th January 2006, 3:04 PM
Psychic i have read 17 fics so far yours is the 18 i have to review 2.

I have read yours so far i give it 4/5.
Pkm i would like to see in it are Mewtwo, Rukario, Mew, the regis, birds.

Demy

Psychic
14th January 2006, 4:00 PM
hey :D i think your fic is brill psychic so i commend you for an excellent read so far :) cant wait for the next chapter (any idea wen that will be up?) lol no pressure :P ive been so captivated by your fic that ive been drawing the characters from it. Once i get my scanner to work ill give you the link :D keep up the excellent work :)
Well, I’m glad you like it so much! And no, I don’t know when the next chapter will be up, and asking is against the rules. Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you.

Wow, you really like it enough to draw the characters? o.O That’s a form of flattery I never expected.
Thanks, and I hope you’ll continue reading!





Mrr its been awhile hasn't it? I'm rather rusty on most of the older facts so I'll just comment on the chapters I've read lately. The plot is original to an extent in pokemon fics while not so much in real fics, misfits dealing with something evil sounds like something I have heard before.

But it being well written and done well it being used before doesn't matter. My suggestions is to use more discription in some places, as while you don't have to explain the characters as much I get the odd names mixed up easily and sometimes maybe you could help remind people by going 'text here' said the sandshrew or something a tad more often.

Could still use I dun know... something a big more. Its just not sitting with me right, its good and yet I see some potential that isn't being used o.O really havn't a clue what I am getting at.

Mrr the character personalities are different some ways and are a tad to close togather in others. I know your trying to get it across but I still think they are acting a little cloned in someways... maybe I'm wrong I just think you could explote it more...

I loooove the vulpix <3 <3 <3 soo cute.

I defently see a difference from the older chapters and the newer ones, great improvement, just keep on writing. :D
Yea, it’s been a long time.
In a way, the plot to The Mutations can be similar to others, just because it deals with misfits looking for a home. Later, however, the plot will thicken. :D

More description? Never heard that one before! XD I try to refer to the characters by their species as much as I can. I know that few writers ever call them by their species name. But I’ll try some more.

I kinda know what you’re saying about not using everything I’ve got. I think it’s mostly because the last chapter was a bit dull. You might not know what you’re getting at, but I think I do. :P

Really? I know Heekali and Lumerah are really different, and Shazaro and Kendar are sort of similar, but I didn’t know anyone thought that. I’ll see what I can do about character work, though. Thanks!

And lol, you said you liked Heekali in your first post as well! He is cute, though, isn’t he?

Thanks! I’m glad I have improved! Hope you keep reading!





Psychic i have read 17 fics so far yours is the 18 i have to review 2.

I have read yours so far i give it 4/5.
Pkm i would like to see in it are Mewtwo, Rukario, Mew, the regis, birds.

Demy
Gee, thanks for that wonderful bit of totally useless information. -_-

Wow a 4/5 and I don’t even know why. Fun.
And I don’t care about the Pokémon you want to see. I’m not featuring Legendaries in The Mutations. If you have a worthwhile suggestion on a mutant NON-LEGENDARY, then say so.

Thanks for the useless, SPAM post, anyway. Shame you had nothing intelligent to say.



~Psychic

Scarlet Tactician
2nd February 2006, 5:44 AM
Great fic! I'm keeping my eye on this one!^_^
Anyway, I have a question for Shazaro. Since he lived in an icy environment, did he ever see an Articuno? It's my favorite of the legendary birds!;144;
-shadowmilotic;350;

whit19
4th February 2006, 1:53 AM
Finally, I finished readin all 5 chapters. :D

This was a pretty original pokemon story, you don't see too many pokemon fanfics about mutant pokemon.

The story reminded me of X-men, except with pokemon instead of humans. Also with the whole talk about this paradise thing, it reminded me of Wolf's Rain, except instead of wolfs tryin to find this paradise, it's pokemon.

Your description was incredible and the chapters were short and sweet. I saw a few spellin errors. I dunno why you kept capitalizin evil and ghost. You also made the mistake of usin 'to' instead of 'too' a few times, but it was nothin serious, I almost missed em since I was so caught up in the story.

The characters developed nicely, but like someone else said, it was kinda odd how they all helped each otha so easily. You'd think afta bein labeled an outcast and treated like sh** they'd be cold hearted and actually wanna be left alone.

Kendar was my favorite character in the story, mainly cuz of his bravery of fightin for his lil bro and... well... I guess I just like flyin Grovyles. :p I was happy when he returned in part 2 of chapter 3 and quickly started kickin everyone's a**!

Shazaro would probably be my 2nd favorite character just cuz he's so outgoin and his poison technique is cool! Him bein a Gligar also helps!

Anyway, I loved the story and hope you continue it! I give it a 9.5. :)

ShadowCloud62
4th February 2006, 5:41 PM
You reviewed my fic, so I think I should return the favor.
I must say, I adore the plot, so original...I always kind of wanted to see mutated pokemon...it's something you don't see everyday, and I can only imagine them.....but in my head....they look cool....
I love how you wrote it, it's just....well, let's just say it makes me beg for more!!!!
I like--no--I LOVE this story!!!! Psychic, please continue the story!!!
I do say my favorite character is Kendar, flying Grovyles intrigue me.

Psychic
22nd February 2006, 2:16 AM
Great fic! I'm keeping my eye on this one!^_^
Anyway, I have a question for Shazaro. Since he lived in an icy environment, did he ever see an Articuno? It's my favorite of the legendary birds!;144;
-shadowmilotic;350;
^^ Yay, another reader!

Shazaro: I'm afraid I have never seen Articuno before. I have heard a little about the Legendary bird, however.




Finally, I finished readin all 5 chapters. :D

This was a pretty original pokemon story, you don't see too many pokemon fanfics about mutant pokemon.

The story reminded me of X-men, except with pokemon instead of humans. Also with the whole talk about this paradise thing, it reminded me of Wolf's Rain, except instead of wolfs tryin to find this paradise, it's pokemon.

Your description was incredible and the chapters were short and sweet. I saw a few spellin errors. I dunno why you kept capitalizin evil and ghost. You also made the mistake of usin 'to' instead of 'too' a few times, but it was nothin serious, I almost missed em since I was so caught up in the story.

The characters developed nicely, but like someone else said, it was kinda odd how they all helped each otha so easily. You'd think afta bein labeled an outcast and treated like sh** they'd be cold hearted and actually wanna be left alone.

Kendar was my favorite character in the story, mainly cuz of his bravery of fightin for his lil bro and... well... I guess I just like flyin Grovyles. :p I was happy when he returned in part 2 of chapter 3 and quickly started kickin everyone's a**!

Shazaro would probably be my 2nd favorite character just cuz he's so outgoin and his poison technique is cool! Him bein a Gligar also helps!

Anyway, I loved the story and hope you continue it! I give it a 9.5. :)
^^ I’m glad you thought it was so original!

X-Men’s awesome, but I’m going to try to stay away from the Pokémon learning how to control their abilities in a structured environment. :P

I don’t know why I capitalize ‘Evil’, but ghost because that’s what the Gengar are. And thank you (I can’t believe it’s so engrossing)! I’ll have to look for those mistakes.

You have a good point about their personalities, but I think that because they’re used to being in groups with others they’d be more thankful for being with others like them.

XD Yea, Kendar is very likeable, it seems. I love how you describe him.
And Shazaro ish teh foshizzle.

:D Thank you for the amazing score! I’m currently working on your review, but I’m a bit bogged down at the moment, so I’m not sure when I’ll be able to post a full review.




You reviewed my fic, so I think I should return the favor.
I must say, I adore the plot, so original...I always kind of wanted to see mutated pokemon...it's something you don't see everyday, and I can only imagine them.....but in my head....they look cool....
I love how you wrote it, it's just....well, let's just say it makes me beg for more!!!!
I like--no--I LOVE this story!!!! Psychic, please continue the story!!!
I do say my favorite character is Kendar, flying Grovyles intrigue me.
^^ Thank you! Few people ever do that unless having been prodded to do so.
I wanted to write about something new and interesting that would catch people’s attention, and I figured mutant Pokémon would do just that!

XD Addictive writing. I’m glad you like it so much! And a flying Grovyle is the coolest Grovyle.



~Psychic

Bling King
1st March 2006, 2:08 AM
You know, your banner isn't really helping the whole "trust Gardevoir" thing. The last part of the poem sounded like the pits of Hell.

You are a good writer. Keep up the good work and please, don't make any character interviews until the story is a completed tale. Once again, good story. Very good work!:)

Calcos the Destroyer
2nd March 2006, 3:11 AM
I have nothing to say, for it has already been said. All I can say is-W00T!!!

InnerFlame
23rd March 2006, 5:12 AM
Hello Psychic, I finally got around to reading your fic and I loved it!!! I like Heekali he just so sweet and innocent. I like all of the characters, it might be because I know how it feels to treated like an Outcast. I felt like I broke the law of normalcy or something because people just seem to pick me out of a group and would have a field day picking on me. I really enjoy reading this and the poem is awesome, good job to whoever wrote it.

Questions from my lovely pokemon to your wonderful pokemon characters

Ampharos: Lumerah and Shazaro I was wondering... can you use attacks that normal pokemon of you species can't? I mean being able to use grass attack or ice attacks would be so cool, I always wanted to used an ice punch just once so I could feel the power of ice.

Ninetales: Well little, little Heekali I feel great sympathy for you be kick out at such a young age. Do you think your mother or any of your other sibling are grieving the lost of their white one-tail son/sibling?

Wooper: *runs in and hops in place* Hello everyone!!! My question to all of you is if I were to join your group how who you feel? I'm happy and cheerful and I'm just filled with energy. I have a habit of talking too much according to my friends. And just love to play, jump about, swim, roll in the mud, and play tag that my all time favorite game.

Dunsparce: Kendar, I must say that you are lucky... I always wish to fly but my small wings will never carry me far off the ground. Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

Snorlax: *Pick up an orange and eats it* Oh Hello, I like to ask all of you something. What do you like to eat and can you tolerate food that's a little foul? Well being a Snorlax I can eat anything. I once ate some bread left by humans it was covered in green moss and smell terrible but it didn't even make my taste buds tinkle.

Psychic
24th March 2006, 11:30 PM
You know, your banner isn't really helping the whole "trust Gardevoir" thing.
XD No, I wouldn’t think it does. Shinari certainly isn’t everything she appears to be, but do you honestly think her intentions are evil? ;) I’m not saying if they are or aren’t for certain- you’ll have to decide for yourself.



The last part of the poem sounded like the pits of Hell.
You are very right.
'At last you will find a magnificent ocean of fire,
Do not stop at the haven, for the flames won’t perspire.'
It certainly doesn’t sound very pleasant, so again, you will question Shinari.



You are a good writer. Keep up the good work and please, don't make any character interviews until the story is a completed tale. Once again, good story. Very good work!:)
^^ Thank you, I’m glad you like my writing! Though I don’t really have character interviews; they just answer people’s questions.
Thanks again!




Calcos the Destroyer: please do not SPAM like that- yes that was SPAM. If you’re not going to say anything intelligent that shows that you actually READ the story, don’t post at all.





Hello Psychic, I finally got around to reading your fic and I loved it!!! I like Heekali he just so sweet and innocent. I like all of the characters, it might be because I know how it feels to treated like an Outcast. I felt like I broke the law of normalcy or something because people just seem to pick me out of a group and would have a field day picking on me. I really enjoy reading this and the poem is awesome, good job to whoever wrote it.
I’m glad you loved it!
A lot of people can relate to this story; we all feel like social outcasts every once in awhile, me included, which was one of the things that help me write it from these mutants’ point of view.
The poem was written by my dear friend, The Cheshire Cat. He did a splendid job!




Ampharos: Lumerah and Shazaro I was wondering... can you use attacks that normal pokemon of you species can't? I mean being able to use grass attack or ice attacks would be so cool, I always wanted to used an ice punch just once so I could feel the power of ice.
Lumerah: I’ve done some experimentation, and so far the Grass attacks I know include Leaf Blade, Razor Leaf and Magical Leaf. It isn’t easy using them because I’m not naturally a Grass-Type, and I use the attacks a bit differently than normal Grass Pokémon.

Shazaro: Well, I don’t know a whole lot about what attacks I have, as I’m not one who runs about testing my abilities and such. I’m a bit old for that. I only know of my freezing venom, as it’s all I ever really needed and used. Ice Punch is a possible attack, and I might be able to use Icicle Spear if I concentrated my Ice type ‘energies’ to the stinger in my tail. I can’t say for certain, though.



Ninetales: Well little, little Heekali I feel great sympathy for you be kick out at such a young age. Do you think your mother or any of your other sibling are grieving the lost of their white one-tail son/sibling?
Heekali: Um, thank you, I suppose.
I…I can’t really say for sure. My mother…when I was leaving, she looked like her heart was being squeezed, but she did nothing to help me. She didn’t even say goodbye, just sort of stared after me. *sniffs* I don’t know what she was feeling… *looks away*



Wooper: *runs in and hops in place* Hello everyone!!! My question to all of you is if I were to join your group how who you feel? I'm happy and cheerful and I'm just filled with energy. I have a habit of talking too much according to my friends. And just love to play, jump about, swim, roll in the mud, and play tag that my all time favorite game.
Shazaro: Oh, you wouldn’t want to be with us, little Wooper. We are not a happy group, and you wouldn’t enjoy our company, and vise-versa. Not to offend, but you’re not the type we’d want hanging around…

Kendar: o.O I think Lumerah would kill you within an hour.
But seriously, you wouldn’t fit in with us very well. You don’t know what any of us have been through, and you aren’t even abnormal, as far as I know. It wouldn’t be very pleasant.

Lumerah: I take offence to that, Kendar. -_- But I might have to kill you, Wooper. And it wouldn’t be hard, either. You’re…what- Water and Ground? *grins maniacally*
Anyway, I for one, wouldn’t enjoy your company, if that’s the way you’re like all the time. I don’t have the patience for you hyperactive lot. You wouldn’t exactly be much help either, and as far as I can tell, you’d just be an extra pain for us.

Heekali: Well, it would be nice to have someone to play with, but truth be told, you aren’t exactly the type I personally would want to spend a lot of time with. If it was a long time ago, maybe, but I dunno if my mother would have let me play…



Dunsparce: Kendar, I must say that you are lucky... I always wish to fly but my small wings will never carry me far off the ground. Do you believe that things happen for a reason?
Kendar: Yeah, I’m one lucky Grovyle…*smiles weakly*
But no, I can’t say they do. Things happen because they happen. I think any creature who can think for themselves can make its own decisions and act how it chooses, but there is no reasoning behind it; if you make any decision, something will come out of it, but I don’t think that it’s fated to have a cause.



Snorlax: *Pick up an orange and eats it* Oh Hello, I like to ask all of you something. What do you like to eat and can you tolerate food that's a little foul? Well being a Snorlax I can eat anything. I once ate some bread left by humans it was covered in green moss and smell terrible but it didn't even make my taste buds tinkle.
I think I speak for all four companions when I say “o.O ooookay”. Wild Pokémon don’t exceptionally enjoy bad food (as seen in Chapter 3), but when you’re desperate, you eat whatever you can get your hands on. Wild Pokémon have good immune systems and if they eat a few bad berries they might get a stomachache, but never anything serious unless the food is really poisonous.




~Psychic

Tazzari-san
31st March 2006, 12:33 PM
Just a question for the group: Would you want another Pokemon to join you? And if you do, what kind of Pokemon would you want to join your group? Thanks for answering my question, Keep up the fic writing.