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leafstormfire
1st January 2012, 8:27 PM
Hope in a Lion

Please keep in mind that this is my first fic, and I'm pretty young. It certainly won't be as good as some others, but I'll try my best.

Articuno_rocks
magikarprules

Prologue (in this post)
Chapter One - The Cruelty of Men


Prologue

"Hunting in the dark is one of the most useful things that you will ever know." The Luxray mother, Silla, padded quietly through the forest. With her ears pricked and nose sniffing, she abruptly halted.

"Stay quiet, my kits," she purred, "and watch." The three Shinx babies gazed in wonder from behind as their mother sprang upon what seemed to be empty ground with the agility of a lynx. Silla pounced with graceful silence and swiftly dealt the killing blow to the unaware mouse. With one paw she slid her prey over to her kin.

"Wow, momma," chirped the female kit named Cassa. "That was amazing!" She took a quick bite, but the fresh kill was snatched away by her brother, Widmer.

"Hey, give it back!" Cassa wailed.

"Uh-uh!" laughed her triplet.

The two Shinx started to squabble over the half-eaten mouse, but were immediately shushed by their parent. Wincing from the cuffs, they turned their small heads to see what Silla was pointing at.

Lyon, the third kit, had only given the mouse a glance. Now, he was staring intently at a small bush. The faintest rustle could be heard from the plant. His arrow-shaped tail waving back and forth, Lyon made his move. Jumping into the air like his mother had done, Lyon imitated the way she had outstretched her paw. But the young Shinx had judged his leap all wrong. With a disappointed snarl, he watched as the mouse skittered out in fright behind his landing feet.

"Oh, no!" whispered Cassa, dejected. "He was so close, too…"

But Lyon wasn't about to give up, and Cassa was hushed once again. Lyon sprang around with surprising speed, and let out a weak electric shock. By some miracle it hit the prey, and the mouse froze as the jolt went through it. That was all the time the hunting Shinx needed. Pushing off with his hind legs once more, this time Lyon used his teeth. As his jaws were about to close, though, he felt a strange power. Through his fangs, he felt a scorching heat. Blazing with strength, it was a purely offensive tactic. Then there was a chilling cold. A freezing bite would not kill, but leave the victim frozen in place. This would be useful for dangers that he would not want to harm. And finally a shocking charge. Lyon knew that this would barely hurt the mouse, but three quick snaps would leave it writhing. He would not have to hang on, nor sink his fangs deep, but one quick bite would do it's job.

Mostly by instincts, he chose the fire. The small animal let out one cry of pain, and all was silent. Lyon leapt back and proudly gazed at his relatives.

"What…!" yelped Widmer, breaking the silence.

"Momma!" screeched Cassa. "Momma! Momma! Did you see that?!"

"I did," replied Silla. She surveyed Lyon with renewed interest. "He managed to catch something on his first try, which is quite rare. Lyon is also remarkably fast."

Lyon sat beside his mouse, pleased. Widmer scowled.

"That is so not fair, Momma," Cassa sighed. "So. Not. Fair."

Silla ignored both her other kits and continued to speak to Lyon.

"And more importantly…Lyon, you used one of the elemental fangs. How you learned it, I have no idea. All I know is that you are truly special."

"Auughh!" Cassa sat sadly on her haunches. "But, Momma…"

Finally aroused by her daughter's whimpers, Silla quickly comforted her other two kits. After a bit, Cassa seemed satisfied, while Widmer didn't really seem to believe what his mother said. He turned his back and glared jealously at his brother, but Lyon didn't seem to notice.

"Silla…" Lyons' ears were straight up. "Do you hear that?" his mouse all but forgotten, Lyon trembled with a growing fear.

Silla's eyes widened, and she picked up Widmer and Cassa in her jaws by their scruffs.

"Lyon, hang on to my pelt!" Silla roared.

Then it started.

Numerous howls rang through the Emerald Forest. The volume picked up, the cry getting tenser and louder every second. It was an alarm; a warning that something foreign was invading the Luxray clan's home.

"Momma, what is going on?" Cassa wailed.

"We are being chased by the killers." Silla tried to keep the fear out of her voice, but all three of her children heard it. Lyon knew the killers. They were tall, two-legged beings, cruel with their life-silencing silver or black sticks. His mother had described to him that a moment a fellow Pokemon would be running beside her, and in a second it would be on the ground, unable to move.

Bursts of electricity zig-zagged from tree to tree in the night, and fleeting shadows could be seen springing to the one clearing where the clan would meet. Silla desperately sprinted through the dark, weighed down by her kits.

Silla knew this smell. She knew that the whole clan was in danger. The killers were not far behind, and Silla's heart pounded in terror every time she heard a twig snap. She attempted a running leap over a log, and cleared it, but Lyon could not hold on any longer. His paws scrabbling for a hold, he tumbled off his mother. He tumbled onto the hard ground, getting the breath knocked out of him. Panting, Lyon staggered up on his feet to catch up to his mother, who had skidded to a stop. Silla turned around and raced back to her kit, but before she could speak, Lyon was grabbed roughly from behind by a rubber glove. He squealed in fright and squirmed around, trying to get in a position to bite.

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here." the voice of the cruel being was gravelly and harsh. Lyon's eyes locked with his mother's, regretful and sad. She was slowly backing away from the other killers, who were quietly approaching. The last thing Lyon saw was his mother, sparing one last look back as she sprinted away, saving her remaining two kits. He felt something being pressed against his nose. He inhaled deeply.

Then everything went black.

American--Pi
5th January 2012, 8:33 AM
Hi leafstormfire! It's me, Arti, and I'm so glad that you've become a fanfictionist like me. Don't worry too much about not getting many reviews - it happens to many fanfictionists out there, even famous ones such as Missingno. Master. With that being said, here I am, your first reader who will give you your first review.

Please bear in mind that I am using a phone to post this, so I unfortunately cannot quote parts of the story.

First off, wow. For a first fanfic, this is brilliat. It definitely beats chapter 1 of my first fic by miles. How old are you by the way? I'm not trying to sound stalkerish - I'm just saying that if you are 14 or under, I congratulate you. I'm 14 and you write almost as well as me, and this prologue is definitely ten times longer and better than the chapters I wrote when I was starting out at age 13.

Second of all, I'm liking the plot an characters. The plot reminds me of my favorite books, Warriors, and I like your charactrization. The way you portrayed the protective mother and the jealous sister was brilliant. Also, I'm liking Lyon - his name was well-chosen and his powers definitely got me interested in the story.

I only saw two problems: first, I think you overdid the description a little with the Elemental Fang part. Second, I wonder why those humans decided to capture Lyon, but I'm sure it will be explained later on.

Overall, this was an excellent first fic, and I'd like to be the first person on your PM List.

~Arti ;144;

(P.S. I love your avatar... I wanted to use it but so many people are using it already. Mitsuhunde... <3 Okay, ignore what I just said. Sorry for being irrelevant. ;))

Wyrm
7th January 2012, 2:36 AM
*le gasp* Ooh, something that I must review!

Hi there, Leafy! That makes another friend who has officially (so don't mention my Zero to Hero, please) landed in the writing scene before I have. XP

Anyways, let's get started...



Prologue

"Hunting in the dark is one of the most useful things that you will ever know." The Luxray mother, Silla, padded quietly through the forest. With her ears pricked and nose sniffing, she abruptly halted.

"Stay quiet, my kits," she purred, "and watch." The three Shinx babies gazed in wonder from behind as their mother sprang upon what seemed to be empty ground with the agility of a lynx. Silla pounced with graceful silence and swiftly dealt the killing blow to the unaware mouse. With one paw she slid her prey over to her kin.

"Wow, momma," chirped the female kit named Cassa. "That was amazing!" She took a quick bite, but the fresh kill was snatched away by her brother, Widmer.

"Hey, give it back!" Cassa wailed.

"Uh-uh!" laughed her triplet.

The two Shinx started to squabble over the half-eaten mouse, but were immediately shushed by their parent. Wincing from the cuffs, they turned their small heads to see what Silla was pointing at.

Lyon, the third kit, had only given the mouse a glance. Now, he was staring intently at a small bush. The faintest rustle could be heard from the plant. His arrow-shaped tail waving back and forth, and Lyon made his move. Jumping into the air like his mother had done, Lyon imitated the way she had outstretched her paw. But the young Shinx had judged his leap all wrong. With a disappointed snarl, he watched as the mouse skittered out in fright behind his landing feet.

"Oh, no!" whispered Cassa, dejected. "He was so close, too…"

But Lyon wasn't about to give up, and Cassa was hushed once again. Lyon sprang around with surprising speed, and let out a weak electric shock. By some miracle it hit the prey, and the mouse froze as the jolt went through it. That was all the time the hunting Shinx needed. Pushing off with his hind legs once more, this time Lyon used his teeth. As his jaws were about to close, though, he felt a strange power. Through his fangs, he felt a scorching heat. Blazing with strength, it was a purely offensive tactic. Then there was a chilling cold. A freezing bite would not kill, but leave the victim frozen in place. This would be useful for dangers that he would not want to harm. And finally a shocking charge. Lyon knew that this would barely hurt the mouse, but three quick snaps would leave it writhing. He would not have to hang on, nor sink his fangs deep, but one quick bite would do it's job.

Mostly by instincts, he chose the fire. The small animal let out one cry of pain, and all was silent. Lyon leapt back and proudly gazed at his relatives.

"What…!" yelped Widmer, breaking the silence.

"Momma!" screeched Cassa. "Momma! Momma! Did you see that?!"

"I did," replied Silla. She surveyed Lyon with renewed interest. "He managed to catch something on his first try, which is quite rare. Lyon is also remarkably fast."

Lyon sat beside his mouse, pleased. Widmer scowled.

"That is so not fair, Momma," Cassa sighed. "So. Not. Fair."

Silla ignored both her other kits and continued to speak to Lyon.

"And more importantly…Lyon, you used one of the elemental fangs. How you learned it, I have no idea. All I know is that you are truly special."

"Auughh!" Cassa sat sadly on her haunches. "But, Momma…"

Finally aroused by her daughter's whimpers, Silla quickly comforted her other two kits. After a bit, Cassa seemed satisfied, while Widmer didn't really seem to believe what his mother said. He turned his back and glared jealously at his brother, but Lyon didn't seem to notice.

"Silla…" Lyons' ears were straight up. "Do you hear that?" his mouse all but forgotten, Lyon trembled with a growing fear.

Silla's eyes widened, and she picked up Widmer and Cassa in her jaws by their scruffs.

"Lyon, hang on to my pelt!" Silla roared.

Then it started.

Numerous howls rang through the Emerald Forest. The volume picked up, the cry getting tenser and louder every second. It was an alarm; a warning that something foreign was invading the Luxray clan's home.

"Momma, what is going on?" Cassa wailed.

"We are being chased by the killers." Silla tried to keep the fear out of her voice, but all three of her children heard it. Lyon knew the killers. They were tall, two-legged beings, cruel with their life-silencing silver or black sticks. His mother had described to him that a moment a fellow Pokemon would be running beside her, and in a second it would be on the ground, unable to move.

Bursts of electricity zig-zagged from tree to tree in the night, and fleeting shadows could be seen springing to the one clearing where the clan would meet. Silla desperately sprinted through the dark, weighed down by her kits.

Silla knew this smell. She knew that the whole clan was in danger, and that they were being pursued by the tall, two-legged beings, cruel with their life-silencing sticks. The killers were not far behind, and Silla heart pounded in terror every time she heard a twig snap. She attempted a running leap over a log, and cleared it, but Lyon could not hold on any longer. His paws scrabbling for a hold, he tumbled off his mother. He tumbled onto the hard ground, getting the breath knocked out of him. Panting, Lyon staggered up on his feet to catch up to his mother, who had skidded to a stop. Silla turned around and raced back to her kit, but before she could speak, Lyon was grabbed roughly from behind by a rubber glove. He squealed in fright and squirmed around, trying to get in a position to bite.

Regarding the bolded and underlined part, "tall, two-legged beings, cruel with their life-silencing sticks.":

I noticed you used almost the same description of them a paragraph before the last one. Consider substituting a different description.

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here," the voice of the cruel being was gravelly and harsh. Lyon's eyes locked with his mother's, regretful and sad. She was slowly backing away from the other killers, who were quietly approaching. The last thing Lyon saw was his mother, sparing one last look back as she sprinted away, saving her remaining two kits. He felt something being pressed against his nose. He inhaled deeply.

Then everything went black.

Corrections/additions in plain bold, words/phrases to be commented on in bold and underline, and said comments in bold, italics, and underline.

I like the twist here. Instead of it being the simple "captured by poachers OH NOES" cliché, you introduce the protagonist's special powers and manipulate the usual capture to shake things up. Nice.

You might be already aware of this, but I think I should tell you anyways: Lyon is mentioned to know the elemental fangs and be fast. That's alright, but just be careful that you don't go much farther than that. Lyon seems to be hanging out at the border between great character-ness and Mary Sue-ness. Just be aware, and you're good.

Overall, I deem this a decent starting chapter, boasting only a few errors and swapped around bells and whistles. Good job.

leafstormfire
8th January 2012, 7:25 PM
Thanks, guys! I was debating whether to write a fic or not, and it seems that I've made the right decision.

@Articuno_rocks: Thanks for the praise! I am under 14, so that was a nice surprise. :) And I'll try not to overdo the description. (I know~! I wasn't going to use it due to the same reason as yours, but I couldn't resist.)

@"Wyrm": You'll see that Lyon's weaknesses are in his emotions rather than his physical prowess - and will get him into a lot of trouble at that. I won't give anything away, but just keep that in mind.

Thanks for the grammar errors; I don't know how I missed some of them.

Also, the next chapter won't be up until Friday. I am almost done the first chapter, but I don't think I'll have time to type it up. Sorry 'bout that.

The Imposter
14th January 2012, 1:23 AM
Wow. This fic is very impressive, I must admit. I can tell you've written fanfics before. The story is very nicely laid out, and this will set the stage for far greater things, I can tell. There are a few grammar mistakes, and I'll be hastily pointing them out.


and Silla heart pounded

Should be Silla's.


"Well, well, well. Look what we have here," the voice of the cruel being was gravelly and harsh

Should be:

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here." The voice of the cruel being was gravelly and harsh.

Great work, and I expect this to do great. If there's a PM list, add me please.

leafstormfire
25th January 2012, 9:19 PM
@magikarprules: Actually, I've never written a fic before. But thanks anyways. :)

Just letting you know that future chapters won't be so bloody and terrible, I promise.


Chapter One - The Cruelty of Men

"Get up, cat." A sharp kick awoke the Pokemon from his restless slumber. His cage was already unlocked, but the human was waiting outside, ready to grab him if he tried to run.

The Luxio's fur bristled, but he refrained from attacking. He had seen a gun in action once, and it was exactly as his mother Silla had told him. The Donphan that had been shot had cried out in agony, trying to scream his pain away. And with a last labored breath, the Donphan's eyes had turned glassy.

Lyon's own eyes squeezed shut at the gory memory. But they were soon alive with fury as his master kicked him again, harder this time.

"Hurry up, you useless pile of trash!" The chain around Lyon's neck was yanked, choking him and forcing the Luxio to stumble forward. He reluctantly followed, giving a slightly desperate look behind him.

"Can you believe that?" Shadow the Houndoom extended his claws as the door to the room closed. "Third day in a row of fighting."

"Wonder if he can take it." Revenge the Lairon examined his fresh wounds and glared at them hatefully. "Lyons' always been fast, but I've seen him get overconfident and his power isn't great. He's been here longer than most, excluding you and I." The Iron Armor Pokemon chucked darkly. "We could be known as veterans."

"Sadly, that is true." Shadow fit his tail into the lock of his cage and twisted it, but to no avail. "Hopefully we can change things around tonight. Lyon's got his tail ready, and mine's almost done."

"I hope this works," Revenge mumbled ruefully.

Shadow sighed. "Me, too."

-:-

The short wooden door to the large pen slammed shut. The onlookers whooped and whistled, many drunk and holding guns. Lyon stood face-to-face with a Mightyena. It's heavy body sank into the snow. The dark Pokemon howled it's challenge and dashed towards him. Lyon knew this type of fighter. These Pokemon struck fast and hard, seeking blood, but could only keep it up for so long.

Lyon nimbly dodged the rush, stepping to one side. He let but missed - the Mightyena had gone to fast for him to latch on, even with the snow to slow it down. Lyon rolled to the side and got up, facing his enemy once more.

The crowd was going wild, madly cheering for the beast they had betted on.

The Mightyena ran at him once more, but sand-attacked. Instead of dust and grime, though, cold snow battered Lyon in the face. He flattened his ears down and tried to slide under the incoming attack to give a scratch, but his enemy saw him first.

"Get down!" with a howl, Lyon's foe tackled him to the ground and sank his claws into the Luxio's stomach, drawing blood.

"Never!" with a hiss of his own, Lyon struck with his crude tail. As it swung up behind the Mightyena and planted itself straight into its fur, the grip was released on Lyon. He snapped with his electric jaws as he got up, shocking the wolf-like Pokemon too quickly for it to retaliate, but Lyon's enemy was slowly recovering. Lyon gave one last bite and drew back. He nursed his wounds, licking his belly. He watched the Mightyena carefully, who was struggling to get up. Ignoring the scarlet pool beneath the once-healthy creature, Lyon whispered, "I'm sorry it had to come to this. I wish the humans were not so heartless." And with a quick swipe, the Mightyena never moved again.

-:-

"Another win." A sleek figure sat, perfectly balanced, on the roof of the pen where Lyon had fought. She saw the Mightyena being taken away, lifeless.

"He could be…useful. This lion may be able to help me." The being chuckled at her own joke and settled down for a nap.

-:-

Lyon stumbled back into his cage, careful not to rub hisstomach against the metal. When his master left the room, Lyon sighed in relief.

"I can't wait to get out of here," he grumbled to Shadow and Revenge. "For the what, one hundredth time we're trying to escape? The only reason the human hasn't killed us is because we're too valuable. But there's a chance that he'll reach a point where he can't take us anymore."

"I agree," Revenge rumbled. "It's tonight or never."

Shadow smiled grimly. "Then let's do it."

-:-

Lyon's eyes glowed in the darkness. He carefully inserted his bitten tail into the cage lock and with a satisfying click the door swung open. The clack of his unsheathed claws hit the ground and a moment later he saw Revenge and Shadow appearing from the gloom of the night.

As sleek as cats, the trio slipped through the doorway, now unlocked. They maneuvered their way through the house - much nicer than their prison, Lyon thought - and cleared their way to the outside world. Lyon's heart raced and his tail whipped around in excitement, knocking a lamp off a desk. With a crash it tumbled to the ground. Shadow, Revenge and Lyon stood, frozen for one second, until they heard the killer.

"What in the name of-" with an angry groan, the master fund his three beasts about to escape.

"I'll hold him off!" hissed Revenge. "Go, and don't come back for me!" And with a brutal shove, he forced Lyon and Shadow out into the blustering wind and cold snow.

"No…!" Lyon was about to refuse and fight alongside his friend, but Shadow knocked him back to the ground.

"If you want to live, run like the wind!" The Houndoom took off with a powerful push of his hind legs and was soon a blur. Lyon pushed aside his worries and raced after the Pokemon. His feet barely touched the ground as he lightly and quickly moved his legs in a rhythmic pattern. He followed his friend through the snowy trees, his breath coming in white puffs and his chest heaving.

But Lyon abruptly halted as he saw the worst thing that could possibly happen in this situation - a dead end, with a semi-circle of large rocks surrounding them.

"Don't give up yet." Shadow's legs stiffened as he heard the human crashing through the trees. "Somehow we may be able to overpower him."

Lyon kept his grasp tight on hope. He knew if he lost it, nothing would be important, nothing would mean anything. But when his gaze darted to the gun, he knew that attacking was futile. He braced his body for the impact, squeezing his eyes tight. The old fear entered into him again, the death-fear that he had only felt as a baby with Silla. Lyon winced as he heard a loud thud hit the ground.

Shadow… he thought miserably. Lyon waited, but his own bullet never came.

"Well, open your eyes," came a voice. Surprised, Lyon's eyelids flew open and he realized that Shadow was still next to him. The body that had hit the ground, he now knew, was the killers'. Then Lyon figured something else out.

Shadow was just as confused as him.

And the unknown voice was not one he recognized.

The Imposter
25th January 2012, 9:41 PM
Wow, this actually isn't dead! unlike my fic

Again, another great chapter. Very gripping, but could be a tad more descriptive I think. Also, in most cases Pokemon attack names are capitalized.

American--Pi
28th January 2012, 12:12 AM
Hi leafstormfire! I wanted to post this review earlier, but I never got around to it because of stupid finals. But my finals are over, so here is my review for Chapter 1. ;)

<><><>

I'll begin with constructive criticism first, just to get it out of the way. Please, don't take my comments personally - I just want to point out some parts of the fanfic that could be improved.

The main concern I'm having with this fic is the direction the plot is going. From what I've read so far, the plot seems reminiscent of that of White Fang, in which White Fang, a fighting dog, is rescued and rehabilitated. While White Fang is one of my favorite classic books, I've seen the "poor animal gets rescued" plot quite a few times already and I hope you can find a way to make this story unique.

Also, I think everything would be nicer with more backstories - what were Lyon's experiences in the fighting ring, and why do these humans make their Pokemon fight to the death rather than battle traditionally? The story's already really good, but it would be better if a few holes were filled.


The short wooden door to the large pen slammed shut. The onlookers whooped and whistled, many drunk and holding guns. Lyon stood face-to-face with a Mightyena. It's heavy body sank into the snow. The dark Pokemon howled it's challenge and dashed towards him. Lyon knew this type of fighter. These Pokemon struck fast and hard, seeking blood, but could only keep it up for so long.

This paragraph is a bit too choppy for my tastes - it would be nicer if you removed some periods and combined some of the short sentences into longer sentences. I think the paragraph would look better if it were like this:


The short wooden door to the large pen slammed shut. The onlookers whooped and whistled, many drunk and holding guns. Lyon stood face-to-face with a Mightyena, its heavy body sinking into the snow. The dark Pokemon howled its challenge and dashed towards him. Lyon knew this type of fighter: these Pokemon struck fast and hard, seeking blood, but could only keep it up for so long.

Changes in bold.

Oh yeah, and the possessive form of it is its, not it's. Just had to be a grammar nazi...

<><><>

Now onto what I liked about the story. First off, I really, really like your writing style. You put a lot of description and emotion into your writing, which made me want to keep reading. And the way you portrayed the humans got me feeling really sorry for poor Lyon. Great job on that, and I hope you continue to write like you've been writing so far. Trust me, this fanfic is NOT trashy in any way. I know I've said this already, but when it comes to writing skills, you are way beyond your age. Good job! :)

I know I said stuff earlier about writing backstories, but for now I think backstories wouldn't be too necessary. The lack of answers to everything gives this fic a mysterious quality and makes me ask questions like "How did Lyon become the Pokemon he is?" and "Who is that mysterious lady who was watching Lyon?". While I think backstories will be necessary eventually, for now I think it would be nicer to keep your readers wondering.


The Luxio's fur bristled, but he refrained from attacking. He had seen a gun in action once, and it was exactly as his mother Silla had told him. The Donphan that had been shot had cried out in agony, trying to scream his pain away. And with a last labored breath, the Donphan's eyes had turned glassy.


Ignoring the scarlet pool beneath the once-healthy creature, Lyon whispered, "I'm sorry it had to come to this. I wish the humans were not so heartless." And with a quick swipe, the Mightyena never moved again.

I like how you incorporated death into your fanfic. Most of the times, Pokemon just faint, so this story is interesting and unique because the Pokemon actually die...


"Sadly, that is true." Shadow fit his tail into the lock of his cage and twisted it, but to no avail. "Hopefully we can change things around tonight. Lyon's got his tail ready, and mine's almost done."

So they bit their tails so that they could function as keys? Ouch, but that escape plan is definitely really unique so good job on that.


As sleek as cats, the trio slipped through the doorway, now unlocked.

I think you may want to rephrase this, because Lairon are not particularly sleek Pokemon. XD


"Well, open your eyes," came a voice. Surprised, Lyon's eyelids flew open and he realized that Shadow was still next to him. The body that had hit the ground, he now knew, was the killers'. Then Lyon figured something else out.

Shadow was just as confused as him.

And the unknown voice was not one he recognized.

Ah, I really, really loved the ending. It's a really awesome cliffhanger, and it leaves me with so many questions: What happened to Revenge? And who is this mysterious being who rescued Lyon and Shadow?

That's all for now, and I hope you'll continue to write this awesome fanfic. :)

~ Arti ;144;

Wyrm
7th February 2012, 9:38 PM
Whew, I'm glad only a chapter has passed since my redonkulous hiatus. Time to review!



Chapter One - The Cruelty of Men

"Get up, cat." A sharp kick awoke the Pokemon from his restless slumber. His cage was already unlocked, but the human was waiting outside, ready to grab him if he tried to run.

The Luxio's fur bristled, but he refrained from attacking. He had seen a gun in action once, and it was exactly as his mother Silla had told him. The Donphan that had been shot had cried out in agony, trying to scream his pain away. And with a last labored breath, the Donphan's eyes had turned glassy.

Lyon's own eyes squeezed shut at the gory memory. But they were soon alive with fury as his master kicked him again, harder this time.

"Hurry up, you useless pile of trash!" The chain around Lyon's neck was yanked, choking him and forcing the Luxio to stumble forward. He reluctantly followed, giving a slightly desperate look behind him.

"Can you believe that?" Shadow the Houndoom extended his claws as the door to the room closed. "Third day in a row of fighting."

"Wonder if he can take it." Revenge the Lairon examined his fresh wounds and glared at them hatefully. "Lyon's always been fast, but I've seen him get overconfident and his power isn't great. He's been here longer than most, excluding you and I." The Iron Armor Pokemon chucked darkly. "We could be known as veterans."

"Sadly, that is true." Shadow fit his tail into the lock of his cage and twisted it, but to no avail. "Hopefully we can change things around tonight. Lyon's got his tail ready, and mine's almost done."

"I hope this works," Revenge mumbled ruefully.

Shadow sighed. "Me, too."

-:-

The short wooden door to the large pen slammed shut. The onlookers whooped and whistled, many drunk and holding guns. Lyon stood face-to-face with a Mightyena. It's heavy body sank into the snow. The dark Pokemon howled its challenge and dashed towards him. Lyon knew this type of fighter. These Pokemon struck fast and hard, seeking blood, but could only keep it up for so long.

Lyon nimbly dodged the rush, stepping to one side. He let but missed - the Mightyena had gone too fast for him to latch on, even with the snow to slow it down. Lyon rolled to the side and got up, facing his enemy once more.

Regarding the bolded and underlined part, "He let but missed":

Methinks you missed a few words there.

The crowd was going wild, madly cheering for the beast they had betted on.

Regarding the bolded and underlined part, "beast":

Unless they're all betting on one Pokemon, you should put "beasts".

The Mightyena ran at him once more, but sand-attacked. Instead of dust and grime, though, cold snow battered Lyon in the face. He flattened his ears down and tried to slide under the incoming attack to give a scratch, but his enemy saw him first.

"Get down!" With a howl, Lyon's foe tackled him to the ground and sank his claws into the Luxio's stomach, drawing blood.

"Never!" With a hiss of his own, Lyon struck with his crude tail. As it swung up behind the Mightyena and planted itself straight into its fur, the grip was released on Lyon. He snapped with his electric jaws as he got up, shocking the wolf-like Pokemon too quickly for it to retaliate, but Lyon's enemy was slowly recovering. Lyon gave one last bite and drew back. He nursed his wounds, licking his belly. He watched the Mightyena carefully, who was struggling to get up. Ignoring the scarlet pool beneath the once-healthy creature, Lyon whispered, "I'm sorry it had to come to this. I wish the humans were not so heartless." And with a quick swipe, the Mightyena never moved again.

-:-

"Another win." A sleek figure sat, perfectly balanced, on the roof of the pen where Lyon had fought. She saw the Mightyena being taken away, lifeless.

"He could be…useful. This lion may be able to help me." The being chuckled at her own joke and settled down for a nap.

-:-

Lyon stumbled back into his cage, careful not to rub his stomach against the metal. When his master left the room, Lyon sighed in relief.

"I can't wait to get out of here," he grumbled to Shadow and Revenge. "For the what, one hundredth time we're trying to escape? The only reason the human hasn't killed us is because we're too valuable. But there's a chance that he'll reach a point where he can't take us anymore."

"I agree," Revenge rumbled. "It's tonight or never."

Shadow smiled grimly. "Then let's do it."

-:-

Lyon's eyes glowed in the darkness. He carefully inserted his bitten tail into the cage lock and with a satisfying click the door swung open. The clack of his unsheathed claws hit the ground and a moment later he saw Revenge and Shadow appearing from the gloom of the night.

As sleek as cats, the trio slipped through the doorway, now unlocked. They maneuvered their way through the house - much nicer than their prison, Lyon thought - and cleared their way to the outside world. Lyon's heart raced and his tail whipped around in excitement, knocking a lamp off a desk. With a crash it tumbled to the ground. Shadow, Revenge and Lyon stood, frozen for one second, until they heard the killer.

"What in the name of-" With an angry groan, the master found his three beasts about to escape.

"I'll hold him off!" hissed Revenge. "Go, and don't come back for me!" And with a brutal shove, he forced Lyon and Shadow out into the blustering wind and cold snow.

"No…!" Lyon was about to refuse and fight alongside his friend, but Shadow knocked him back to the ground.

"If you want to live, run like the wind!" The Houndoom took off with a powerful push of his hind legs and was soon a blur. Lyon pushed aside his worries and raced after the Pokemon. His feet barely touched the ground as he lightly and quickly moved his legs in a rhythmic pattern. He followed his friend through the snowy trees, his breath coming in white puffs and his chest heaving.

But Lyon abruptly halted as he saw the worst thing that could possibly happen in this situation - a dead end, with a semi-circle of large rocks surrounding them.

"Don't give up yet." Shadow's legs stiffened as he heard the human crashing through the trees. "Somehow we may be able to overpower him."

Lyon kept his grasp tight on hope. He knew if he lost it, nothing would be important, nothing would mean anything. But when his gaze darted to the gun, he knew that attacking was futile. He braced his body for the impact, squeezing his eyes tight. The old fear entered into him again, the death-fear that he had only felt as a baby with Silla. Lyon winced as he heard a loud thud hit the ground.

Shadow… he thought miserably. Lyon waited, but his own bullet never came.

"Well, open your eyes," came a voice. Surprised, Lyon's eyelids flew open and he realized that Shadow was still next to him. The body that had hit the ground, he now knew, was the killer's. Then Lyon figured something else out.

Shadow was just as confused as him.

And the unknown voice was not one he recognized.

Changes in font indicate the same thing as with last review. I am responsible for any mistakes I don't find and "mistakes" I find which are in fact not mistakes. If my senses are correct, the natures of the mistakes and their numbers are becoming much more shallow. Nice job there.

Very interesting. Lyon has aged into a Luxio with now only a memory of Silla, humans (primarily drunk males wielding beer bottles and a sickening desire to watch cage fighting) have forced him into killing other enslaved Pokémon for an illegal sport, and now he's escaped his Master's house, with the master inexplicably dead, Revenge's status unknown, and a mysterious being talking to them, presumably (but who knows?) the sleek figure depicted earlier? Wow, I like where this is going. But the lack of clichés is the best of all. Extra brownie points for that.

I find your style for writing battles decent all around. Nice description, not too cheesy movements, and the morbidness of it all. These kinds of things blend together to make award-winning action movies. Good touch there. As you can see, I'm a horrible and sadistic person.

Excellent job, Leafy! Thou art improving, if I may say so myself.

jstinftw!
8th February 2012, 5:57 PM
Sooo... Luxray is currently my favorite Pokemon.. And... Well. This is kind of a Luxray fic. Soooo....

Hi! Most of the grammatical mistakes that I caught have been pointed out up there ^^^, so I'm going to just give you a pat on the back, say "Pretty ok," and ask that you add me to the PM list. I believe I'll want to follow this story through. (: