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Ash_Junior
2nd January 2012, 9:21 AM
Not that long a time ago, in games most of us have played, Red defeated Giovanni, and foiled his plans to take over Silph Company and take the Master Ball for himself. Later, Red drove the evil genius into hiding shortly before becoming the Indigo League's Champion.

Each chapter will have part of posted for all to see, with the rest hidden by spoiler tags to save you scrolling time if you've already read certain chapters. It should give you a good indication of what's coming up, or it will set up what's coming up.



Part 1: Violet's So Blue

Vignette 1: Red's Moon Waning
Chapter 1: The Girl They Call Violet
Chapter 2: Battle to the Beginning (http://beta.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=13983365#post13983365)
Chapter 3: Visions of the Past (http://beta.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=14035193#post14035193)
Chapter 4: Unhappy Reunion (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?556329-Following-in-His-Footsteps-%28PG-13%29&p=14347767&highlight=#post14347767)




Following in His Footsteps.

Part 1: Violet's So Blue

Vignette 1: Red's Moon Waning

In the Future....

The night was quiet and still, the waves lapping at the shore. A herd of Sawsbuck paused by the edge of the water, taking a drink. Above, the moon hung in the sky, a bright spot in a sky spotted with pinpricks of illumination.

A man emerged from the forest that grew up nearly to the water’s edge, and looked out across the lake. Tall and powerfully built, he stood with quiet confidence, and surveyed his domain. His tattered red baseball cap sat at a rakish angle as his eyes searched the sky. They would be coming soon. They always came to him.

He walked forward quietly, passing within feet of the deer Pokemon without disturbing them. He crouched down and drank the lake’s water from cupped hands, glancing at the deer Pokemon as they studied him without fear. None of the area’s Pokemon were scared of him anymore. They had all gotten used to him and he to them.

The man slowly rose, admiring the curve of the lake, and brushed off his jeans. They were worn, faded, and patched many times over, but they were still the best clothes that he owned. One had to look his best when visitors came, after all. He checked the insides of his vest to make sure that the worthless scraps of metal were there.

He hated them. He hated that he had devoted an entire decade of his life to collecting them. He hated how they had made him act. He hated that they caused so many people to come looking for him. There was no other place to run from them.

He took one final look at the moon before turning back to the woods and the challenger that waited for him there. He smiled. “Of course it was you,” he said quietly. “Who else would it have been?”



Chapter 1: The Girl They Call Violet

Saffron City
Saffron City Gym

“Thank you for having me.” Sabrina looked up, her intense red eyes settling onto her guest. Her upsetting guest. Not necessarily to Sabrina herself, but certainly to Lance and the other members of the Dragon Clan. For that reason alone, Sabrina would have given Jey an audience, but Jey had also requested a challenge.

A most....unusual challenge. Sabrina had not received a challenge like it since the mercenary's last visit.

A tall woman, Sabrina was wearing her formfitting, red peacoat, along with a pair of skin-tight red pants. It was her standard fare for challengers. Her long, black hair swayed slightly in the complete absence of any wind. It had been an unusual match, even for her. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she let the memory of the rush of the battle wash over her once again. It had been an intensely different experience, one she would not soon forget.

Sabrina studied the woman that had been her opponent. She wore black tight-fitting, leather pants and top underneath a bright red bridge coat topped off with a red fedora perched atop her head. When she had first arrived, she had given the alias “Carmen”, which had held up under Psychic scans from every one of her staff except Sabrina herself.

“It was no problem,” Sabrina said slowly. She gestured with her right hand, and a pair of high-backed, winged red leather chairs emerged from the shadows, and came to rest just behind either woman. A twitch of a finger, and heavy curtains extinguished the light coming in from the three-story windows that backed Sabrina's desk. At the same time, a fire roared to life in a larger-than-necessary fireplace that took up half of one of her walls, and rose nearly seven feet from the floor.

The flickering light reflected off of the spines of countless books that lined her bookshelves. The books ranged in color from pastels to grim greys and blacks. Their subjects ranged from philosophy and history to childrens books and cookbooks. The bookshelves rose as high as her windows, but had no ladders to help potential readers reach particular books. The Marsh Gym, after all, was a gym where only Psychics could train.

Jey's lips twitched. “Fairly dramatic,” she said, lounging into the chair as if she owned it. The Huntress crossed her legs and studied Sabrina. Sabrina herself sat down slowly and purposefully only after her guest was fully comfortable, the firelight casting deep shadows across the Gym Leader's face. She sat only on the edge of the chair, refusing herself the luxury of melting into the comfortable chair. She sat perfectly straight, and stared at Jey without blinking. A smirk ran across Jey's face. “Good. I like that.”

“You have to,” Sabrina said in a tone that was just shy of mischevious, “Have a bit of fun sometime.”

Jey smiled thinly. “Indeed. Though we may have different definitions of what is fun. For example, I wouldn't ask you to come out and get wasted with me and the Talons I'm in the Leagues with, for example.”

Sabrina blinked. “No.” she said, and left it at that. For several minutes, the only sound to be heard was the crackling of the fire. Both women studied each other. Sabrina, with her unblinking stare, Jey with her bemused expression.

“You know why I've come.” Jey said at last.

“Yes.” Sabrina said, pushing at the logs in the fire mentally. A spray of sparks flew into the air, for a moment illuminating her entire face, before the shadows chased the light away.

Jey studied Sabrina for several moments. Sabrina waited. “And?” Jey asked, growing tired of the game.

Sabrina blinked. “I have had many challengers since last you came.” Her voice was low and monotonous, with an almost threatening edge. “But per our agreement I have made dossiers on the most promising of the bunch.” Her eyes widened slightly for a moment, then narrowed again. “There is one, however, that you should pay close attention to.”

Sabrina paused, waiting to see if Jey would interrupt. But the other woman knew the Psychic too well for that. “She has caused quite the media stir recently, given her heritage. She showed considerable skill in her battle, and lost honorably.”

“So she didn't get a badge from you, then?” Jey asked, her expression deadly serious as she hung on Sabrina's every word.

“On the contrary,” Sabrina said. “I gave her her very first badge. Unlike the other, stupid, Gym Leaders, I do not give out badges on the merits of brute strength. I honor skill. She made an excellent accounting of herself, and fought with more skill than anyone her age has any right to have. I do not doubt that her father gave her pointers. She showed preferential treatment to her Starter, but gave her other Pokemon demeaning names. If I had to guess, she caught them only to be able to keep up with other children her age, and plans to catch so-called better Pokemon later.”

Jey nodded, serious. “I know exactly who you mean.” She leaned forward. “Well, if there's nothing else.”

“But there is,” Sabrina said, the slightest tremor of excitement entering her voice. “Jey, she has the gift.”

Jey exhaled sharply and dropped back into the chair. One of her eyebrows rose sharply. “Are you sure?” she demanded.

Sabrina nodded sagely. “Without a doubt. I cannot say what form it will take, but without a doubt she has the ability.”

Jey smiled. “Then I will keep a close eye on her, then. A close eye indeed.” the Huntress rose to her feet gracefully and extended her hand. “Thank you for your time, Sabrina.” The Psychic nodded acknowledgement. “I will pick up the dossiers from your assistant on my way out. Queen to King's Rook Four.” And with that, Jey walked towards the door. “And I believe that's check.”

Sabrina said nothing, but merely stared straight ahead, as if Jey were still sitting in front of her. One eyebrow rose slightly. “Fascinating move,” she murmured to thin air. “Fascinating, indeed.”

*****

Viridian Forest
Just over 1 year later

The wind blew through the trees softly, whispering sweet nothings to each other. The sky was grey, although the horizon had been sliced open to reveal a thin wound of orange. The lake was mirror smooth, and the entire world seemed to hold its breath. There were none of the normal sounds of the forest in the morning. Only a quiet, despondent weeping disturbed the picturesque scene.

A young girl sat before the lake with her knees hugged to her chest, tears rolling down her face, as she trailed her fingers over a wooden cross she had lovingly labored over for several days. It had been enough to take her mind off of the pain, but now the pain she had fought against returned sevenfold.

This was her spot, where things always turned out right. No matter if her father had retreated to the lake-side cabin because he couldn't take the world anymore or she simply had boy troubles and needed to get away—this was where she always came. And it always turned out better.

But not this time. This time things would not work out in her favor. Her parents were off in Johto, her hopes and dreams of being a Pokemon Trainer were all but dashed, and her belt team was in complete disarray.

Slowly, she reached once more for the object that lay in the sand in front of her. The small, spherical-shaped object that had held the power to change her life so completely. Top half red, bottom half blue. The customarily silver stripe around its hemisphere instead a bright, almost perky color of purple.

The custom Pokeball her father had ordered for her. For her very first Pokemon. Her starter was the offspring of his starter, and became even more special because of it. She had loved Sergeant Bubbles almost as much as her father's Blastoise. Nothing had been too good for Bubbles when money had been flowing. When times were tough, Bubbles always get the biggest share.

And now, Sergeant Bubbles was gone.

Forever.

Because of her.


*****

Viridian City
Belle Terra Gym

“This is supposed to be a good fight,” the silver-haired woman remarked, glancing up from the program she had been handed upon entering Viridian City's Gym. “From what my sources tell me, she was the Gym Leader's protege until she left on her journey a year ago.” Her blue eyes glanced down at the empty arena, then returned to the program.

The older woman's companion grunted a response, but did not look up from a clipboard full of notes. “Oh, perk up!” the silver-haired woman reproached her sternly. “That's an order. I didn't take you off your mother's hands for you to become lost in the minutae.” The younger woman glanced up at the older woman, nodded, and returned to her notes.

“Honestly, Alora,” the older woman said. “We're here scouting for possible talent for your mother. You can read these kids' stats until the day Mew and Arceus battle at the end of the world, but that won't tell you what you want to know.”

The young woman who had been called Alora sighed, and swatted at a strand of her red hair in frustration. “Fine. You tell me, Jey. What am I looking for?” Her intense green eyes glared at Jey.

The older woman smiled, and pointed lazily across the arena. “That dugout there is where the competitors are waiting for battle. The last of them just arrived.” Jey's hand withdrew slowly, and tugged on the red silk gloves she had decided to wear underneath a thick, metal device on her right arm. “Look at them, tell me what you see.”

Alora followed Jey's instructions, and looked. “I see a bunch of kids who have no idea what the actual power of Pokemon might be because they follow the Leagues' conventions, instead of marshaling the Pokemon's full potential. I see a bunch of snot-nosed brats. I see a bunch of hassles in my future as we tangle with the best and brightest Leaguers to try to recruit the best of the bunch.”

Jey smiled tightly. “That's not all you see,” she said quietly. “That's simply all that you perceive.” Jey nodded at the dozen or so children that huddled in the dugout. “What I see over there, my dear Alora, are a collection of narcissistic, occasionally sociopathic individuals who must prove to themselves that they are the best. Or wear themselves out doing so.” Jey's stern look preempted Alora's I-Told-You-So. “But every once in a while there's a diamond in the rough who breaks the mold, and dares to be different.”

“Different. From a Leaguer.” Alora snorted. “That'll be the day. If they're not on some kind of power trip they're all about the touchy-feely 'Pokemon gain power through LOVE!' hippy crap.” She pointedly ignored the glares that were coming from more and more people sitting in the uncomfortable metal bleachers around them.

Jey's response was only to smile cryptically.

Waras
3rd January 2012, 4:19 AM
Hmm... very nice. I like it. Your diction is incredible, far beyond what I usually see in fan fictions. In as few words as possible, you describe everything perfectly. Very strong connotations.

The short sections so far haven't illuminated much about the plot, but there is just enough to make your plans intriguing.

I'll be interested to see what you've got going forward, and I'll make a note to check back in on this fiction. Good work!

Ash_Junior
4th January 2012, 10:25 AM
thanks. I used to go for more of an infodump style (that sometimes went on for 4+ pages), but I've worked hard over the last few years to make my fics be more subtle in my description.

And yeah, this is basically just the beginning, just enough to introduce a few of the early players, and, of course, the main character. Plot will get going in the next chapter or two.

Ash_Junior
7th January 2012, 10:38 AM
Susan tightened the straps on her arm-length leather gauntlet one more time before she was sure that it was secure. She took a moment to admire the workmanship of the leather and wiggled her fingers, smiling as the last few inches of her fingers emerged. It was a work of art, the work of a master. It was thick, yet pliable, and served its function with ease. She held out her arm, and her Pidgey landed on the leather, its claws digging into the leather as it sought a steady perch.

In a well-practiced move, Susan made a half-turn, and her bird flapped its wings, using its trainer's momentum to take a lap around the room, before perching on a hat rack that had been placed beside the door. Susan nodded, satisfied, and looked into a full-length mirror that sat on one wall.

It was always that waiting that killed her, she mused silently, as she reached for the purple baseball cap that she wore to every Pokemon Battle. Well, except for.....Susan took a deep, shuddering breath, and forced herself back to the present.

She carefully pulled her long, black ponytail through the small opening in the back of the cap, then set the purple Sinnoh League baseball cap onto her head. She had chosen a dark purple dress for this match, from the stash of clothes her uncle loved to keep for her visits to Viridian City. It fit her twelve-year-old body nicely, though it was a bit at odds with the pair of Doc Marty boots she always wore to big battles.

“I wish Dad were here,” she said quietly, bending down and picking up her other Pokemon, her Rattata. “He'd tell me how to make it better.” She nuzzled the rodent's cheek. A small tongue reached out and licked her chin. Susan smiled sadly. “He always knows.”

There was a tap on the door, and a familiar-looking face peered into the room. “Five minutes, kiddo.” The Pokemon Professor smiled at her. “Anything I can do?” He came into the room and closed the door behind himself. “You know it means a lot to me that you came to me first, right?” He scratched his brown hair uncomfortably, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

“I know.” Susan said quietly. She felt Professor Oak's strong hand resting on her shoulder. “I didn't know where else to go. Mom and Dad are both in Johto for the next few days, outside of Pokegear range, and--”

“It's what family is for,” He replied. “Some days all we have is each other.” Ratatta turned his head to look at the Professor, his whiskers tickling her cheek. The Prof smiled and scratched the mouse underneath his chin. “I need to go now, but if you need anything after, you know my door is always open.”

Susan didn't say anything, her gaze focused on the colorful Pokeball she had set on an end table. The Pokeball that would see no use today. Tears sprang to her eyes, unbidden, and she began to cry as the door closed behind Professor Oak.

+++++

Susan blinked. Somehow she had made it from the room she'd been given to get ready, through the opening ceremonies, and straight to her first battle. She wasn't the first person in the tournament, she knew that much. But for the life of her she couldn't remember anything since the Professor had left her alone.

There weren't many people in the stands. The usual mix of the locals, the curious, the die-hard Pokemaniacs, the kids who weren't old enough themselves to actually battle Pokemon, and the same few recruiters that came to every one of these annual tournaments. Sinnoh League, Johto League, a handful of Gym Leaders looking to recruit more trainers for their gyms, and that weird old guy from Orre who thought his inventions were useful. Susan scanned the bleachers and waved to one of the Psychics she had trained with in the Marsh Gym.

The referees were still talking amongst themselves, and she and her opponent hadn't been announced yet. That gave her a chance to prepare. Susan took a deep breath to steady herself. Knob chittered from her ankles. She knelt beside her Rattata and scratched behind his ears. His beady eyes scanned the arena ceaselessly, his nose sniffing rapidly as his ears swiveled.

He was excited, prancing in place, scratching at the gravel that made up the arena. He hadn't had a good battle in a while.

He hadn't really been the star of her team. He had been used when Bubbles.....Susan swallowed. She saw now that she had neglected her other two Pokemon in favor of her Squirtle. And why shouldn't she have? Squirtles were so much more powerful than Knob and Dolt combined.

Knob rubbed his head against her hand, his eyes closed in pleasure. Susan felt guilty, and rose to her feet. She hadn't meant to keep him. It was just that the Pikachu had escaped and she was frustrated. She hadn't been able to catch anything good, and everyone else her age had already acquired a full belt team. She had just had Bubbles.

She held out her arm, and Dolt swooped down and landed on her arm obediently. She didn't deserve her team. She had neglected and outright ignored them, showering praise and love on Bubbles instead. But they still loved her and were willing to fight for her. They....loved her.

She felt her stomach twist, and suddenly she needed to hurl. Adrenaline roared through her veins as fear made her literally shiver in horror. She didn't deserve their love. She didn't deserve love at all.

Her eyes shot to the exit as she felt Knob rubbing himself against her leg. Right now she needed to run. Get out of there. She needed to—She head the refs starting to announce her battle. Now it was too late.

She took a deep breath and cleared her mind, just like her father had taught her long ago. In and out. In and out. In and out. Concentrate and focus. Susan opened her eyes.

Her opponent was roughly her age, and, judging by the condition of his hiking boots, had been on a long journey. There were three Pokeballs on his belt, though he might have more in the pockets of his blue jeans. He was shifting nervously, glancing out at the bleachers where the spectators were watching. He ran a hand through his spiky black hair and shuffled his feet as the announcer called out his name. He raised a hand and waved to the crowd.

Susan raised her own hand and turned to the crowd for a moment when her own name was called, then closed her eyes. She was going to do well, she told herself, trying to force herself to believe it. She was outnumbered, but not necessarily out-matched.

When she opened her eyes, the arena had changed. Unlike other gyms that had simply static arenas, the Belle Terra Gym utilized cutting edge holographic technology to help or hinder those who trained there. The photons and forcefields had been crafted into an almost believable rendition of a rocky field. The tall, holographic grass flickered, the translucent blades wafting gently in a simulation of wind. Stones, ranging in size from pebbles to boulders nearly as tall as Susan herself dotted the small, perfectly circular landscape. Susan noticed that lines of pebbles approximated the location of the normal chalk outlines on the floor, generally showing the borders of the arena.

Outside the circle, Susan knew, was out of bounds. But she wasn't particularly worried. The tall grass, however, would soon be trampled, and then her advantage would be gone.

Just like every year, the tournament would require the use of both of her Pokemon at once, to show how fast she could actually think on her feet. Susan moved into the circle, noting that she could still feel the gravel and dirt beneath her feet. The holograms, while realistic, had trouble most times with the ground itself. They were designed more for objects than to give the illusion of a nice lawn. Susan reached out and touched a blade of the tall grass. It looked real enough, though it didn't quite feel right.

“When the buzzer goes off,” Susan said quietly, leaning down and peering through the translucent grass around her. “Dolt, you're going to circle that big rock over there,” she pointed. “Knob, back her up, but stay out of sight. Dolt, try to avoid getting hit, and try to keep any Pokemon chasing you away from the big rocks. Your maneuverability will give you an edge.”

Susan rose up slightly, looking across the circle at her opponent, who was talking to his own team. They were all too short to be seen beneath the tall grass. Their eyes met, and Susan dropped to her knees. “All right, so after that--”

The buzzer sounded, harsh and grating. “Never mind,” she snapped. “Get going.” Susan jumped to her feet as Knob darted into the tall grass, with barely a ripple in the holographic fauna to betray his passing. Dolt soared up, taking a wide, lazy circle around the arena, before tightening her turn to circle around the boulder Susan had indicated.

A bolt of electricity sizzled through the air, ricocheting off of the rock and flying out towards the bleachers. One or two of the little kids screamed and pressed their faces into their neighbors, but the rest of the spectators barely reacted as the electricity splashed harmlessly off of the force field that surrounded the battlers.

An Electric, that changed everything. “Come on back,” Susan called out, walking forward for a better view. Dolt banked and dove down into the grass, expertly winging her way through the leaf blades. An Elekid leaped atop the boulder that Susan's Pidgey had just been circling, the electric type searching for Susan's bird eagerly. “It's Monday morning!”

At that command, Knob burst out of the grass, slamming into the Elekid and sending it flying through the air. It buzzed angrily, and a return burst of electricity knocked Knob off of the rock and into the grass. A second, staccato burst of electricity skimmed the top of the grass inches from her rat, and Susan dashed around a particularly large boulder just in time to see its source, a Mareep, diving beneath the top of the tall grass.

Susan bit back a curse. Two electric types. That meant that Dolt would be hard pressed to be useful tactically. A sharp whistle from Dolt made her head whip around, and she let out a whoop as she saw her Pidgey lifting a Mankey out of the grass, and throwing him against a boulder. Three on two, but now she knew what she was up against.

“Knob, Saturday afternoon.” A quick chitter from her Rattata followed by an angry buzz, an annoyed bleat, and several bursts of electricity expending their wrath against the protective force field told her that Knob had the attention of both of the electrics. With a satisfied nod, she turned her back on Knob. In this territory of tall grass and general outdoors, Knob was at home. But Elekid were bred for city living, and Mareep preferred short grass. They wouldn't have a chance of finding him if he didn't want to be found.

She only needed Knob to keep their attention for just a minute. Then, if she could eliminate one elemental weakness, then maybe, just maybe, she could turn this fiasco around.

This was going to be fun.

The Mankey wasn't making it easy for Dolt, but the Pidgey was using its advantage of flight and small size to stay safe. The cover of the tall grass kept the bird relatively safe as it approached the Fighting-type. Already, it was staggering. Must not have been a very experienced Pokemon. Dolt came around, talons ripping into the Mankey, lifting it off the ground and throwing it into yet another holographic boulder. The Mankey grabbed for the bird, but Dolt was already making straight for Susan.

Her left arm held out, Susan was already whirling around as the bird's talons sank into the leather. Completing her turn, Dolt released its talons at exactly the right moment, and was suddenly roaring towards the Fighting type faster than she would have been able to on her own.

Another second, and the Mankey was down. Frustrated cries from the opposing trainer and his Pokemon were the only sounds that could be heard, aside from the firing of electricity and the crackling of the attacks fizzling themselves against the force field. Susan peeked around the boulder to check on the progress. Most of the grass on that side of the field had been flattened, and Knob was running out of places to hide. The Elekid and Mareep had set themselves up so that Susan's Rattata was in their crossfire. “Hyper Fang!” she cried, before ducking back behind the boulder.

“Time to even the odds,” Susan growled. Dolt landed on her arm as she backed away from the boulder. “I want a Sand Attack right there,” Susan said, pointing at the base of the boulder. “The sand and gravel is still down there, and it will give you two enough cover to take one of them down. Hit that Elekid.” Jdolt chirped, and hopped into the air.

Susan strolled around the boulder, ignoring the other trainer's insults. “Bowl of Oklahoma!” she cried. She saw Knob throw himself behind a boulder, and threw a hand up over her face. The imperfection of the holographic technology worked in fer favor as most of the Gust swept dust out from underneath the boulder. The rest of the air flow spun around the boulder, kicking up holographic pebbles and literal sand and gravel from the arena floor. She felt the grit fly into the air, and heard the frustrated shouts and coughing of the other trainer. She pulled her shirt up over her mouth and yelled. “Lightning Rod!” A loud buzzing was suddenly cut off at the same time that a pair of thuds sounded.

Susan looked up, squinting through the slowly settling dust, and saw that the Elekid was down for the count. Susan smirked at the other trainer, ignoring his sexist cursing that called her mother's virtue into question. “Hyper Fang, Aerial Ace!” She commanded.

“Discharge!” the other trainer snarled. Susan opened her mouth to respond, but before she could get a sound out of her mouth the yellow sheep began to glow. And then a burst of energy erupted from the sheep. Susan dove for cover but didn't make it. Her body convulsed as the electricity coursed through her veins.

She blinked her eyes as she fought to gain control of herself. She saw a brief, blue burst as her Pokeballs' automatic recall feature activated. She grimaced and forced herself to a kneeling position. Knob was still on the field, dodging attacks from the Mareep, but much slower than he should have. She noted triumphantly that her Rattata had learned, and was sticking close to the holographic boulders in case the sheep tried that attack again.

Susan shook her head to clear it, then slowly rose to her feet, gritting her teeth at the pain. She had known that attack was possibly in the cards. The battle concentration her father had shown her was shattered, and cobwebs stuck in her head no matter how she shook her head. The battle, she knew, had been decided. “Quick Attack!” she snapped, knowing that the Mareep was still close to full strength, while Knob was tiring. He had held off the pair of electrics while the Mankey had been dispatched. It was unthinkable that Knob had been untouched in that carnage.

To make matters worse, the grass on this half of the arena was completely trampled, leaving only the boulders for cover. And if Knob took cover behind one, the Mareep would be able to pin him down with electric attacks until the sheep closed to finally take care of the rodent.

But she wasn't going down without a fight. She flexed her hands experimentally as Knob tripped up the sheep and snapped at its head. An annoyed bleat and a Thundershock sent Knob tumbling and running. Hands still felt normal, good. Susan cracked her neck, and ordered another attack, knowing it was probably futile. Her rat clamped its jaws around the sheep's neck, only to fly back as an electric current ran through the sheep's body.

No way to win. Rattata were, by their very nature, physical attackers, but Mareep had the perfect defense—an elecrified body. “Ready to forfeit?” The other trainer asked mockingly. There was only way to prevent a loss at this stage in the game.

Susan smirked at him. “No way!” she smirked. “Fastball Special!” As Knob ran towards her, Susan reflected on the slight possibility that she had read far too many comic books when she was growing up. Knob leaped into the air, and Susan grabbed him by the tail. Mimicking her earlier move with Dolt, she hurled him at the Mareep. The Mareep sent a blast of electricity into the rat, but did little to divert his trajectory or speed.

Knob had just enough strength to grab onto the Mareep, yanking it off of its feet and making the pair tumble out of the circle, into the out of bounds area. Where both Pokemon were promptly disqualified from the battle, ending the match.

A tie.

Susan turned towards the crowd and held her hands up as the stands erupted in cheers. She sneaked a glance over at her incredulous opponent. He was staring at the pair of Pokemon, then turned and glared at Susan.

He would complain to the judges, but they would uphold that it was a legitimate strategy. If this was a bigger tournament, the judges would take some time to discover whose Pokemon had left the arena first. But because this was just a small tournament, the battle would be declared a tie and move on to the next match.

Susan stopped suddenly, a sudden realization coming to her mind. She had just finished her first battle without her starter. And she hadn't lost.

Maybe, just maybe, she'd be all right.


+++++
+++++

This is definitely an improvement over the other battle I wrote in the previous version, which was more of a generic battle. Obviously this story is still in the beginning stages, but this is the battle style (that is, of course, not HER battle style but the way I'll do battles in general) I plan on using for the story.

Hope you like it.

:D

Waras
13th January 2012, 4:12 AM
Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I don't get many chances to read some weeks.

Very nice. Battles are hard to write for some people (like me), but you do a good job. Feel free to keep sending me updates, they'll keep me coming back. I've had trouble getting reviews at times too, but you'll eventually build up a nice fan base. Definitely a story that'll hook people even if they don't post though, so keep up the good work and I look forward to your next chapter.

Ash_Junior
13th January 2012, 11:38 AM
1/17/2012 AM Update--Chapter Preview in Spoiler tags at bottom of this post.

/update

lol....no problem. I'll keep sending you PMs, then, like I did for this chapter.

I feel like I should explain a bit about Susan's commands.

Monday Morning--this is a signal to attack. Basically, for most people Monday morning is when they go to work. Thus, "Monday Morning" becomes synonymous with "Let's get to work"/"Now."

Saturday Afternoon-- For most people, this is the middle of their weekend, and they find something to keep them busy. This was a command for Knob to keep the Electrics occupied.

Bowl of Oklahoma--For people who know their American history, the Oklahoma/Texas Dust Bowl (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dust_Bowl) should be readily familiar. This was used to warn Knob of the incoming Sand Attack, and a signal for Dolt to go for it. And the Lightning Rod bit was telling Knob to go for the Elekid.

Fastball Special--This is just a tribute to my personal favorite comic book team, the X-men. The Fastball Special (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fastball_special) was a move where Colossus threw Wolverine at an enemy.

As for why I did this--to me it's ridiculous to assume that all trainers use the generic "Yell the attack" format. It tips your hand. It makes much more sense to have specific tactics ready for certain situations, and yell the attacks when things are either simple, you feel like you're going to win, you're feeling lazy, or you just feel like it. Also, I PERSONALLY feel that a command to "Dodge it and do X" is ridiculous. Because DUH they're going to try to dodge it. Partial exception to this is if you want them to take the hit for a specific strategy, in which case you would have a code made up beforehand.



Chapter 3--Prophecy of the Past Preview:



Quick note--this is a copy/paste preview, and as such some things are missing, and/or may not make much sense. I COULD explain them here, but....that could spoiler potential surprises later on. So if it makes no sense to you, check back when the ACTUAL chapter is posted.

Also......a particular plot point has been specifically edited out of the preview, so hopefully it will be more of an "Oh!" or "oh. Ooooooo......" moment. You may be able to guess it from this, but I'm not confirming or denying until I post the chapter.

At this point, the chapter is NEARLY done. I'm at a point where I could stop or I could move on for just a little bit more. haven't decided yet.




Jey snapped her fingers, and everything froze. The older-looking Jey, the men, the airship that had just been clawing for altitude. “Welcome to the roof of the Silph Company HQ. Three floors below, Giovanni and his Rockets have just succeeded in stealing the only two Master Ball prototypes in existence. He's also made sure to wipe and destroy every single computer that had so much as a memo about the Master Balls.”

Susan opened her mouth to ask a question, but Jey held up a hand. “Please, no questions for now.” Susan blinked, looking around at the dozen frozen mercenaries already having taken up positions around the roof, covering the only access point—a door that led into the building. Some were actually looking over the side. “They're on sniper sweeping detail.” Jey said, somehow intuiting what Susan was thinking. “Now, few things you're going to want to take notice of. First—in about twenty seconds, Rockets are going to come through the door. Second, that over there,” Jey pointed directly behind Susan. “That is your dad, your uncle, your mom, and a handful of other Masters coming to back the B3s up.” Susan squinted in the direction Jey pointed, and could just make out just over half a dozen shapes coming in low, using the city's skyline as cover. “We're all going to clash. In about a minute, Giovanni himself is going to show up.”

Jey snapped her fingers, and time resumed. Then accelerated. Sound seemed to dim as all of the odd actors played their part in the macabre drama. The door swung open too fast, and dozens of people wearing black uniforms with red “R”s on their chests stormed the roof, firing odd lasers at the B3s, and the B3s returning fire with the same lasers. “Not lasers, dear.” Jey's voice cut into Susan's thoughts. “Projected Energy Weapons. It's easy to make that mistake, though. I'll explain later.” Some of the combatants were falling and dying, others helping their comrades out. The Rockets were able to make a foothold on the roof, and readied a Flying type behind cover, where the B3s and the League trainers didn't have a clear shot.

Then the door open and a man stepped through. He didn't look like he did in the newspapers that Susan remembered. That was a man in a pressed black suit, immaculately dressed, with a strong mustache and a confident grin. This clean-shaven Giovanni looked similar, but his eyes were wild, his pants torn to shreds, his jacket and tie missing and his shirt so destroyed that it barely covering any part of him. But still he wore his fedora, perched at a rakish angle.

But he did not run. He walked towards the waiting Flying type, releasing his Pokemon and drawing a pistol in one smooth motion. He calmly walked backwards, firing his laser pistol (“It's NOT a laser!” Jey insisted) frenetically to keep the B3s and Leaguers pinned down.

Then a figure dropped out of the sky and slammed him into the ground. It was her father! Dressed all in red, with that show-offy red cloak billowing behind him, he tore into Giovanni with everything he had Fists, feet. Arms, legs. The two humans fought furiously. Red's Pokemon, already occupied, now made a giant push for their master. The combined effect was to break the Rockets' lines.

Giovanni shouted an insulting curse at Red and leapt for the Flying type. The bird flew off the side of the building, but quickly reappeared, clawing for altitude, the Rocket secure on his back. Red ignored the battle around him, and picked up something that had fallen on the floor. He held it up for all to see—one of the Master Ball prototypes. For one moment, the battle seemed to hold its breath as everyone looked at the Master Ball in Red's hands. Then the Ball shattered into a million pieces as the bolt of energy erupted into it.

Time froze, then suddenly everything seemed to get sucked into a point in the air. Susan stepped back, but miscalculated her balance and found herself falling just as the last of the—vision? Disappeared into Jey's body.

For a split second, Susan was falling, and confusion reigned supreme. What the hell had just happened? Then she hit the ground. There was an odd sensation of being grabbed, and Susan's eyes fluttered open just in time to see Jey flicker for several seconds. “HOW are you doing this?” she demanded, already fully recovered. She leapt to her feet, and stalked towards the other.

“I hate you sometimes, Sabrina,” Jey muttered under her breath.

Jey pinched the bridge of her nose, and grunted in frustration. “All right, then I'll explain it all. I really hate you sometimes.” Susan waited, her face still set in anger. “Well, I don't care how funny you think it is,” Jey growled, glaring to her left. Susan looked, but nothing was there. “Fine. Yes, We didn't agree who would break the news. But you're telling me you had her in your gym and you didn't....?”

Jey paused, then glared at the thin air. “Fine. You do things your way and I'll do mine. See if I spring for Italian next time I'm in town.” She sighed and turned back to Susan. “Sorry, Susan. I wouldn't have sprung this on you like this if I had known that......woman hadn't told you.” Jey took a deep breath. “Looks like I've got some explaining to do."

I'll try to get the next chapter out by Wednesday.

Ash_Junior
19th January 2012, 1:53 PM
“All right,” Susan said, closing her eyes. “Let's see what happened.”

The world seemed to fall away from her, until just it was just her, the arena, and her Pokemon. She was standing where she had at the beginning of the battle. All of the bleachers were empty, the arena's holographics were turned off, and all that was left was the high, vaulted ceiling, the brown gravel of the arena floor, and the white chalk outlines of the fighting ring itself.

This was a technique she had picked up along her journey. Nobody had taught her, she had simply started it one day, and kept using it. She had somehow managed to develop the ability to replay entire events from her memory, like three-dimensional television that she could pause, fast-forward, and rewind at will. She wasn't quite sure how it worked, but it was fun. She never told anyone about it, partly because she was worried might consider her a freak, and partly because it was fun having a secret.

“Let's see,” she mused. “The holographics were activated....” instantly the fake greenery and boulders appeared. “And my opponent was standing....there.” her opponent appeared, standing unnaturally still. That annoying smirk was frozen on his face. “And we......” she paused, trying to remember. “We were there.” Instantly copies of the trio appeared. Susan looked far more nervous than she remembered. “Was it really that bad?” she wondered to herself. The fake Dolt rested on fake Susan's arm, and faux Knob was between the impostor's legs.

“Right,” Susan breathed. “And next--”

A woman appeared in the exact center of the arena. She was young, in her mid-twenties, with silver hair that reached down to her waist. She wore a purple jumpsuit that was tied with a dark sash around her waist. She wore a purple mask over her face. “Interesting.” the other woman commented, looking around. “A bit more advanced than I was expecting. Been doing this a while?”

Susan stared. This had never happened before. In all the years she'd been mentally replaying her battles, nobody she had never wanted to appear had ever appeared. The woman stared back at Susan, then seemed to remember something. “Oh, right.” The girl pulled the mask off of her face. “Sorry, forget I tend to appear like this.” A broad grin split the newcomer's face.

Intense blue eyes studied Susan, and the young woman had a feeling that the older girl missed nothing. “It's lovely to be this age again.” The intruder glanced over her curves, and her grin got even wider. “Damn, I was smoking back then.”

“Who ARE you?” Susan demanded finally, finding her voice.

“Huntress Jey. Though they did call me the Huntsgirl back when I looked like this. Technically I'm the Huntswoman now. Though you Leaguers tend to have trouble with calling me that. If you want, you can just call me Hunter Jey.” Jey raised an eyebrow. “Ring any bells?”

“Right,” Susan said, recovering. “I remember the stories my dad used to tell me about Jey and the Blood and Brimstone Brigade.”

Jey grinned, showing every one of her perfectly white teeth. “That's me. Major Jey of the Blood and Brimstone Brigade, or B3 for short. Professional Mercenary. Fresh off of a stint in the Americas. But these days I don't technically have a rank.” She shrugged. “I just run the thing.” She bowed with a flourish. “Tell me, what did dear old Red have to say about me?”

Susan sighed. “Look, I know you're a figment of my subconscious, so now you're going to go away so I can get back to work.”

Jey raised an eyebrow. “Am I, now?”

Susan nodded. “Oh, yes. Yes, you are.”

Jey faded slightly as Susan wished her away, then popped back into definition, a smug grin on her face. “Sorry, kid. Not that easy. Though I have to admit. That was a stronger attempt than I thought.”

Susan blinked. “No way.” she declared. “That is NOT possible.”

“Just because something hasn't happened before doesn't mean it's not possible.” Jey grinned. “Allow me to demonstrate.” The woman snapped her fingers, and the arena disappeared. They were instantly in an airship, screaming at an incredible speed just above the skyscrapers in a big city. “Welcome to Saffron City, about fifteen years back. Giovanni has just laid siege to the city, and B3 and your dad lead an attack against Giovanni.”

The airship was vaguely reminiscent of some of the old airships—what had they been called—helicopters. It was thin, but elongated. The sides were open, and the wind rushed past them. It was a cacophany, but Susan had no problem hearing Jey speak.

“Listen up you freaks!” Impossibly, Jey's voice sounded behind Susan. Susan spun around, to see a woman that looked like an older version of the woman that had appeared in the Gym screaming at a bunch of battle-hardened soldiers, giving them orders. They wore blue and gray camouflage, wore strange guns across their backs and in leg holsters. Each of them wore a bandolier that contained Pokeballs across their chest.

The airship settled down onto the top of a building, and Jey started screaming at the men on board as they hurried off. “Come on, you monkeys!” the older Jey screamed at her men. “You want to live forever?” Within moments, the airship was lifting off. Without having moved, Susan found herself standing on the building of the skyscraper.

The original Jey snapped her fingers, and everything froze. The older-looking Jey, the men, the airship that had just been clawing for altitude. “Welcome to the roof of the Silph Company HQ. Three floors below, Giovanni and his Rockets have just succeeded in stealing the only two Master Ball prototypes in existence. He's also made sure to wipe and destroy every single computer that had so much as a memo about the Master Balls.”

Susan opened her mouth, but Jey held up a hand. “Please, no questions for now.” Susan blinked, looking around at the dozen frozen mercenaries already having taken up positions around the roof, covering the only access point—a door that led into the building. Some were actually looking over the side. “They're on sniper sweeping detail.” Jey said, somehow intuiting what Susan was thinking. “Now, few things you're going to want to take notice of. First—in about twenty seconds, Rockets are going to come through the door. Second, that over there,” Jey pointed directly behind Susan. “That is your dad, your uncle, your mom, and a handful of other Masters coming to back the B3s up.” Susan squinted in the direction Jey pointed, and could just make out just over half a dozen shapes coming in low, using the city's skyline as cover. “We're all going to clash. In about a minute, Giovanni himself is going to show up.”

Jey snapped her fingers, and time resumed. Then accelerated. Sound seemed to dim as all of the odd actors played their part in the macabre drama. The door swung open too fast, and dozens of people wearing black uniforms with red “R”s on their chests stormed the roof, firing odd lasers at the B3s, and the B3s returning fire with the same lasers. “Not lasers, dear.” Jey's voice cut into Susan's thoughts. “Projected Energy Weapons. It's easy to make that mistake, though. I'll explain later.” Some of the combatants were falling and dying, others helping their comrades out. The Rockets and their Pokemon were able to make a foothold on the roof, and readied a Flying type behind cover, where the B3s and the League trainers didn't have a clear shot.

Then the door open and a man stepped through. He didn't look like he did in the newspapers that Susan remembered. That was a man in a pressed black suit, immaculately dressed, with a strong mustache and a confident grin. This clean-shaven Giovanni looked similar, but his eyes were wild, his pants torn to shreds, his jacket and tie missing and his shirt so destroyed that it barely covering any part of him. But still he wore his fedora, perched at a rakish angle.

But he did not run. He walked towards the waiting Flying type, releasing his Pokemon and drawing a pistol in one smooth motion. He calmly walked backwards, firing his laser pistol (“It's NOT a laser!” Jey insisted) frenetically to keep the B3s and Leaguers pinned down.

Then a figure dropped out of the sky and slammed him into the ground. It was her father! Dressed all in red, with that show-offy red cloak billowing behind him, he tore into Giovanni with everything he had Fists, feet. Arms, legs. The two humans fought furiously. Red's Pokemon, already occupied, now made a giant push for their master. The combined effect was to break the Rockets' lines.

Giovanni shouted an insulting curse at Red and leapt for the Flying type. The bird flew off the side of the building, but quickly reappeared, clawing for altitude, the Rocket secure on his back. Six red beams shot to Giovanni's coat as his Pokemon were recalled. Red ignored the battle around him, and picked up something that had fallen on the floor. He held it up for all to see—one of the Master Ball prototypes. For one moment, the battle seemed to hold its breath as everyone looked at the Master Ball in Red's hands. Then the Ball shattered into a million pieces as the bolt of energy erupted into it.

Time froze, then suddenly everything seemed to get sucked into a point in the air. Susan stepped back, but miscalculated her balance and found herself falling just as the last of the—vision? Disappeared into Jey's body.

For a split second, Susan was falling, and confusion reigned supreme. What the hell had just happened? Then she hit the ground, but there was an odd sensation of being grabbed, and Susan's eyes fluttered open just in time to see Jey flicker for several seconds. “HOW are you doing this?” she demanded, already fully recovered. She leapt to her feet, and stalked towards the other.

The mercenary spread her hands wide and grinned. “Why, my dear Susan, I'm a Psychic, just as you are.” That brought Susan up short, a mere two yards separating the two of them. The merc's sly grin faded slightly. “But surely you knew that already.” A long, pregnant silence hung in the air between them. “I hate you sometimes, Sabrina,” Jey muttered under her breath.

Jey pinched the bridge of her nose, and grunted in frustration. “All right, then I'll explain it all. I really hate you sometimes.” Susan waited, her face still set in anger. “Well, I don't care how funny you think it is,” Jey growled, glaring to her left. Susan looked, but nothing was there. “Fine. Yes, We didn't agree who would break the news. But you're telling me you had a potential Psychic in your gym for a couple months and you never trained her?”

Jey paused, then glared at the thin air. “Fine. You do things your way and I'll do mine. See if I spring for Italian next time I'm in town.” She sighed and turned back to Susan. “Sorry, Susan. I wouldn't have sprung this on you like this if I had known that......woman hadn't told you about your potential.” Jey took a deep breath. “Looks like I've got some explaining to do. Let's do this right. Face to face. See you there.”

And with that, Jey vanished. As if she had never been.

Susan started, and took several steps backwards. She looked around. She was back in the arena, there she was, the battle, the boy she had battled, and their Pokemon, frozen mid-stride. She was back where she had been before that—woman had appeared. She looked around, and Knob and Dolt were both watching her expectantly. The actual Knob and Dolt, not the copies she had conjured.

Susan took a deep breath. The woman had said that she had wanted to talk face to face. Fine.

+++++

Viridian City
Belle Terra Gym

Susan's eyes opened, and found she was standing directly in front of the woman she had just been talking with, impossibly, in her imagination. Except now she was a lot older. The woman she had been talking with couldn't have been even thirty years old. This woman looked close to fifty. Scarred, with graying hair, the woman stood confident, without a trace of self-doubt.

“Susan Jane Ketchum, daughter of Ash “Red” Ketchum, infamous hero of the Indigo League, may I introduce myself.” the woman announced, coming to attention, a tight smile on her face. “I am Huntress Jey of the Blood and Brimstone Bridage, and I'm here to offer you a job.”


+++++
+++++


So I realized that I'd been using "Red" a lot, and never really explaining it. Yes, Red is Ash Ketchum. But there's a reason he's called Red. There's actually a Yellow too, that Red and Susan hate. But that's getting ahead of the story....

Also, Susan Jane is a tribute to Elizabeth Sladen (RIP)'s Sarah Jane Smith character from Dr. Who/Sarah Jane Adventures.

Ash_Junior
27th March 2012, 11:54 AM
Viridian City
Belle Terra Gym

Silence hung in the air for several, long moments. Susan stared at the much older version of the woman she had seen in her vision. The woman looked back. If she was the same person, she was older now.

Much older. Long, silvery gray hair fell in a tight ponytail to her waist, accenting the navy blue bridge coat fastened only by a silver belt she wore over black trousers. From beneath the coat, a dark green blouse with a mandarin collar peeked out. Her feet were spread apart, each foot exactly underneath her shoulders. Her hands were clasped at the small of her back, and her posture was impeccable. Her intense green eyes were punctuated by a scar that ran along her right cheek. Those eyes seemed haunted somehow, but burned with an intensity unlike anything Susan had ever felt before. An empty pistol holster hung on her right hip, with another empty holster covering the top of the woman's blood red, knee-high left boot.

Suddenly, Susan felt very under-dressed in her simple, purple dress.

Susan blinked, and realized she had been holding her breath. Forcing herself to breathe, she ran the words the warrior who stood before her had just uttered through her mind one more time. She was being offered a job. By someone who she didn't know, and she didn't even know what the job was. But the woman's emergence into her vision was curious enough, but curiouser still, the sheer force of the woman's gravitas was almost enough to compel her to accept the offer on the spot.

Susan took a deep breath, and blinked several times, studying the woman again, this time finally noticing the young woman who had been standing beside and a little behind Jey. The girl shifted awkwardly, looking between Jey and Susan, confusion spread across her face. The younger woman mimicked the elder's posture, feet spread apart and hands clasped behind her back. The younger woman wore a pea coat that was the exact same shade of blue as the elder's, though the younger woman's coat had its bottom two buttons fastened. The top was open just wide enough to reveal the same dark green blouse with the mandarin collar hiding underneath.

The silence was nearly palpable now, and Susan had no idea how to break it. Fortunately, she didn't have to.

“You old pirate!” a familiar voice exclaimed, sweeping in from Susan's peripheral vision and sweeping Jey up into a swirling hug. “Why didn't you tell me you were back in town?!”

Gary Oak set the older woman down, and took several steps back, holding her hands in his. His brilliant green eyes swept up and down her body. “Might I say that you're still looking as fine as the day I met you!” He ran a hand through his dark brown hair, and shoved his other hand into his pocket. “What brings you out here to my gym?” he asked, looking down and away from Jey as he closed his eyes. “Don't tell me that you're here to steal me away for a lifetime of romance?”

Jey's face split into a grin. “Sorry, kid. Like I've told you the last dozen times, you're a bit too young for my tastes.” She reached out and ruffled Gary's hair. “Besides, I'm sure keeping an eye on your niece here is more than enough of a challenge for you.”

Gary's eyes opened, and he studied Susan. “Yeah, she's a handful all right,” the middle-aged Gym Leader confirmed. Suddenly his eyes narrowed, and he spun on Jey. “Wait, you're here for her, aren't you?” he demanded.

Jey raised an eyebrow. “Here with an offer, yes.” She shrugged. “Obviously full acceptance would be pursuant to her parental approval.”

Gary's lip twitched. For a long moment, there was silence. “No.” he said finally.

The word hung in the air. Susan, still struggling to keep up with everything that was happening, barely registered the word. The mercenary's eyes darkened, and the sides of her mouth twitched downward in the beginnings of a frown. “It's not up to you,” The huntress growled in a tone that made shivers run up and down Susan's spine. The mercenary hadn't moved an inch, but the fire in her eyes and the anger in her face made Jey look a foot taller than she had before.

“I said no.” Gary growled, almost but not quite matching her tone. “I'm not going to let you take her too. Remember the last time you took a kid from Pallet Town into the Talons?”

Jey nodded. “He saved the Leagues. From IT,” Jey hissed. The professor stiffened visibly, his anger tangibly increasing even as Jey's hands closed into fists. “He succeeded, thanks to the training the Talons gave him, where both of us failed. Neither Master nor mercenary alone was sufficient.” The mercenary's eyes flicked to Susan, then back to the middle-aged professor. “And she is his heir.”

“I can't take your job,” Susan put in. Abruptly, the tension was broken as the scientist and the warrior turned to face her. Susan swallowed as the pair turned on her, their anger at each other spilling in her direction. “I have contracts with the League for appearances at at least another four major tournaments.” She had hated having to sign the contracts, but she had been running low on money at the time. Of course, they didn't want her for her team's abilities. They wanted her because of her father.

Susan took a deep breath, the words of the older pair still rattling inside her mind, trying to find a harbor to put into. All of this was moving too fast. She was trying to keep up, but it was simply too much at once. She let the air flow out of her lungs, and inhaled again. It was a concentration technique she had picked up, focusing strictly on her breathing and nothing else. The crazed thoughts raging for attention subsided, and she was once again able to think clearly.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and her eyes opened again. “I—I'm still not sure what's going on,” she began quietly, noting her uncle's concern and the alert interest coming from the pair of mercenaries. “But right now, I have a post-battle ritual that needs attending to.” She flashed a weak smile at the trio, then turned away and headed for the healing desk, forcing herself to maintain her concentration, and not give in to the labyrinthine thoughts roaring through her head like a minotaur.

+++++


As soon as she was out of earshot, Professor Gary Oak and Huntress Jey turned to face each other. “This isn't over,” Professor Oak promised her.

The Huntress' eyes narrowed. “You can't stop me from taking her,” she said quietly. “That power rests with her parents alone.”

Gary's eyes narrowed. “We'll see.” He turned on his heel and stormed off, limping even more than he normally did.



+++++
+++++

I'm trying out a preview format for this chapter. It's a bit shorter, but I got stuck and couldn't really see it going much further. Sorry for the 3 month sabbatical, I'll try not to be so long for the next chapter (for the [n]one of you reading this). Probably gonna do a chapter or two that's more OT-esque before branching out into a bit of the main storyline.

hope you like my nod to mythology.

Shadow Lucario
27th March 2012, 3:13 PM
Chapter 1


“You have to,” Sabrina said in a tone that was just shy of mischevious, “Have a bit of fun sometime.”

Because you're continuing the sentence on this must be lower case. It's as if there was no break. You wouldn't capitalize the letter of a word in the middle of a sentence that wasn't a proper noun.


“No.” she said, and left it at that.

A comma is needed after no, not a period.


“You know why I've come.” Jey said at last.

“Yes.” Sabrina said

Both need a comma before the end quotation.


the Huntress rose to her feet gracefully and extended her hand.

Forgot capitalization.


When times were tough, Bubbles always get the biggest share.

Got.


Her blue eyes glanced down at the empty arena, then returned to the program.

She pointedly ignored the glares that were coming from more and more people sitting in the uncomfortable metal bleachers around them.

This doesn't agree unless you were talking about the field being empty and not the entire arena.

Chapter 2


she reached for the purple baseball cap that she wore to every Pokemon Battle.

Battle is not a proper noun. It does not get capitalization.


The Pokemon Professor smiled at her.

Since professor isn't being used as a title or in place of their name it does not require capitalization.


“I know.” Susan said quietly.

Comma after know.


He replied.

Not capitalized.


The Prof smiled

Same as professor above. Doesn't need to be capitalized.


She head the refs starting to announce her battle.

Heard.


Jdolt chirped, and hopped into the air.

You have an added j.


The imperfection of the holographic technology worked in fer favor

Supposed to say her.


“Hyper Fang, Aerial Ace!” She commanded.

She is not supposed to be capitalized.


the sheep closed to finally take care of the rodent.

In should be placed between closed and to.


There was only way to prevent a loss at this stage in the game.

The word one needs to be after only.

I'll stop there for now and come back later to review the other chapters. So far I can't really tell if I like it or not. The description is good when it's there. Right now Susan is striking me as a possible Mary-Sue. She goes into battle with two Pokemon that she has rarely used and even admits that she hasn't used them and still ends up with a tie. Not only that, but they were two Pokemon that aren't a very strong species. Rattata should have easily been dealt with by Elekid and Mareep especially if the other trainer has just as much experience. Unless the grass is up to the trainer's knees then Rattata doesn't have much of an advantage. Also, why have the trainers out on the field? There's a reason why they don't go onto the field. It just didn't seem very logical to me, nor was it explained. The most common mistake was lack of commas where commas were needed. Other than that it was simple spelling errors and some grammatical mistakes. I'll return to review the other chapters later. It's 6:00 AM here and I haven't gotten any sleep. Shadow Lucario out.