View Full Version : The Tale of a Wanderer (PG-15)
4th January 2012, 5:07 AM
Thanks for taking the time to swing by here to this small corner of the Fanfic forum to read my work. This is pretty much going to follow a bit of the game AND anime plots and stuff, and it does tie into them a bit. That being aside, I think the rating is in order, which is:
For violence, some language, some romance later on in the story, some innuendo througout the later parts of the story, and jokes that are sometimes so bland your eyes might fall out from reading them. Please read with discretion as the earlier parts of the story are very violent in some parts of it.
That being put aside, I'd like to say thanks to treeko's awesomeness for his inspiration for some of the major elements I am incorporating into this otherwise very dull and depressing fanfic, which includes many things involving character, pokemon talking, and related stuff I found very good to use when I read his story (which by the way is awesome). I have to say that my story would be a lot worse if I hadn't read his. :)
Overall, it's my goal to produce a great, unique, and enjoyable fanfic that will keep you all reading from start to finish!
I have on my VM List the following people. If I get more than two or three wanting to be on this list, I'll be PM'ing them instead.
Chapter One: Nathan Steele destroys what seems to be the Headquarters for Team Thunder, while stealing their experiment--a Charmander egg
Chapter Two: Nathan keeps the Charmander, and decided to give it to his son
Chapter Three: Nathan's son, Julian receives the Charmander, which proves to be an extremely strange pokemon. It is named Deathstar.
Without further ado, I present the Character Bios. These will only be for main characters, as I am likely going to be too lazy to keep an index of everyone that appears in the story.
Julian Balthazzar Steele: A naive child named after his father's best friend. Unless something stronger than himself stops him, he's determined to achieve whatever he wants--which isn't really anything at the moment other than getting back to school, which is still a while away.
Sarah Jasmine Steele A caring and intelligent person, she is nonetheless very cautious, as her husband's work has earned him many enemies, some of whom are willing to do very vile things to gain what they want.
Nathan Adrian Steele Well-known Pokemon Ranger by day, Secret Agent Man by night. A typical undercover hero, he's the best at what he does, and that's being an undercover international cop. Right now, his biggest enemy is Team Thunder, whose plans he's severely hampered so far.
Deathstar: ;004; Seemingly due to the experimentation performed on him by Team Thunder, not only is he found to be shiny when he is hatched, but also too intelligent for comfort. He is getting used to being around, and the only one he trusts is Sarah.
Without further ado, I present my fanfic!
Prologue: Some of the Inner Workings of a Beehive
“Sir, the experiment so far is now turning out to be a success.” A woman wearing a black uniform reported to a man, also dressed completely in black.
“Good. What was the test Pokémon?” The Boss’s deep voice resonated throughout the laboratory room, and every one of the workers heard their superior’s commanding words.
“It was a Charmander egg, Sir. Any living Pokémon that we have tested so far have perished in the experimentation, so we have decided to test our serum on an un-hatched Pokémon that is naturally strong enough to survive the injection.” The woman’s tones were soft and delicate…but without emotion.
“Good. If this batch proves to be good, then we will have an army of strong Pokémon without having to catch or steal, and carefully train them. We can simply take over this miserable world as is.” The Boss’s tones were mostly unemotional as was, but the woman standing next to him caught the tones of having been pleased in his words.
“Then we will go and make more of it right away, and secure good Pokémon eggs for ourselves in the meantime.” The woman said her words more as a suggestion than a declaration, and looked like she was secretly hoping to be recognized.
“Good call, Scarlett. I am pleased with your efficiency. If this serum works on our Pokémon well enough, we may very well begin testing this formula on humans as well…Although it would have to be a silent and covert operation.” The Boss left the laboratory, and Scarlet followed…Into the Boss’s office.
“But why human testing, Dantés? Aren’t the Pokémon enough as is to create a competent Pokémon army? Scarlet had a genuine look of concern on her face. “How far will we go when we say ‘enough’?”
“That is for me to decide. And as for human testing, this option is worth considering, in spite of the risks. Pokémon tend to have minds of their own, while humans are more easily influenced to obey their superiors...” Dantčs talked to Scarlett as if she were his student, and he the professor. “Not to mention that a human with some Pokémon-like abilities would make an arguably better trainer than a normal human would…And he would be able to understand ALL Pokémon’s thoughts, not just his own.”
Scarlett smiled. “Who shall we test these new formulas on then? We cannot risk any of our own people—everyone is an essential member of Team Thunder.”
“Yes, it is…However, I will make my decision when I see fit. In the meantime, the egg must be placed in stasis until further tests are run. I do not want it to hatch earlier than I want it to.” Dantés had his ambitions, and he knew that in spite of being able to almost taste his goals being fulfilled, he did not wish to make his moves too soon…Nor too late. This Charmander represented his greatest project yet, and this of all things must NOT be messed up…
He would take no chances, and had seen to it that all of the ridiculously tight security in it was implemented. Everything from armed guards to strong Pokémon guarded the entire compound, and even its location was both hard to find, much less storm with brute force.
5th January 2012, 2:26 AM
As nobody seems to want to review, I'll go onto Chapter One...:)
Please, people post reviews! I would like to hear from you! ^_^
Chapter One: Pest Control
In the Lab itself, trouble was already afoot. One of the top agents from the Sinnoh Anti-Crime Agency was on the move, and had rather good intelligence on what was in this secret lab. Agent Nathan Steele was the one the Agency’s top crime fighters. In the public eye, he was well-known as a Pokémon Ranger, as well as a world-famous breeder, not to mention the fact that he was known for his incredibly strong Pokémon…And he was about to use them to crash Team Thunder’s party. He was on the move again, this time in one of the more isolated parts of Sinnoh, not far from Hearthome City.
He had already gotten intelligence that there was something of profound importance to them in this lab--which explained their almost obvious show of force in the area. He also knew that these guys made it as hard as possible to breach their compound, and it was also extensive…It could be hard to find their project…
The cold winter breeze bit at Nathan’s face, and he snapped back into the present. The briefing was over, and this was show time. He threw a Poke Ball, and out came a Dragonite, in all its power and glory. “Dragonite, let’s fly over near…That rock over there. We need to be as silent as possible until we reach their compound.”
“Sure thing, I’ll do that.” The calm and collected Dragonite spoke briefly and to the point, let the man onto its back, and promptly flew over to the designated point, and awaited further orders.
The two were now somewhat close to the entrance, and so Nathan summoned yet another Pokémon out of its ball: a Tyranitar. “Alright, let’s stir up something to throw them off.”
“I’ll do it with pleasure.” The dark-minded Tyranitar promptly summoned a sandstorm that started getting into everything, including the eyes of the people guarding the entrance of the compound. “This sandstorm won’t hurt us too, will it?”
“I bought these Go-Goggles from the Poke Mart for a reason, my friend. Let her rip, and make sure everyone gets your present.” Nathan smiled, as did his Tyranitar. Nathan put his goggles on, and his Dragonite made sure that his special goggles were on as well.
“Dragonite, use Extremespeed to neutralize our targets. Tyranitar, follow me.” Nathan was calm, collected, and wanted things to be precise. He had planned this attack for months now, knowing that there was something important that the feared Team Thunder was concealing all the way out here.
The Dragonite took the guards at the entrance out with an almost-unparalleled ferocity, while the Tyranitar walked by Nathan, like a moving tower of death, and moved towards the entrance. The two seemed to be enjoying the chaos that they were creating, and were so engrossed in what they were doing that they didn’t say a thing for a while.
After the five or six guards standing at the door were properly disposed of, out came another Pokémon, a Machamp. “Break down the door with DynamicPunch!” The Machamp, letting out a primal roar, used all of its four arms to throw a very powerful punch with each one, practically destroying the door in an instant.
Tyranitar, use Stealth Rock to hinder the resistance! Dragonite, use Outrage on anything that comes! Machamp, remain by me!” Nathan knew that all three would spring into action, and the Machamp knew its role: guard the trainer in case something bad happens…And it would do just that.
“Heehee…Time for some Sneaky Pebbles!” The Tyranitar showed its typical signs of immaturity at about this point, and made sharp rocks appear in whatever convenient places that were good for his side and bad for theirs. “Hey look there, Dragonite! I made an Oshawott with that one!”
“Good Arceus, is there still hope for this one…?” The Dragonite mumbled under his breath as he waited for the first of the alerted guards to come his way. A couple seconds later, as expected, the Tyranitar’s heavy dust from his Sand Stream triggered several hazard alarms, and they started going off one by one, alerting a small group of guards, along with some weaker Pokémon, to head in their general direction.
“Alright, get ready. There should be some people along any minute, likely just your random scientists with their generic bad guy Pokémon.” Sure enough, the pathetic but somewhat numerous resistance came, and the guards were deterred enough by Tyranitar’s Stealth Rock to send out their own Pokémon--which were severely hurt by the well-placed floating rocks.
“Damnit, they mangled my Oshawott rock! You’ll pay for this!” The Tyranitar was about to charge and counter-attack, but Nathan signed for him to stay in the cover of his rocks.
The resistance began to go for the Machamp, being hurt by the rocks that kept hitting them--when an angry Dragonite started to hit them all one by one. It was his turn to make an immature remark. “Take that you piles of Trubbish!” He laughed at his own pun, and resumed his relentless attacks on the pathetic resistance before them…
“Tyranitar, NOW you can attack! Use Earthquake and take them down!” Nathan timed the move well, because the Dragonite was quickly wearing down--but it succeeded in flooring all of the other Pokémon, making them vulnerable to Tyranitar’s powerful Earthquake attack.
Having all of them taken care of, he called his Machamp over. “Finish them off. Tyranitar, use your Sand Stream ability again, this time to disrupt the compound and get dust in all of their eyes.” He gave Dragonite a Persim Berry for its resulting confusion from its Outrage, which got it up and moving again in no time at all, while the whole compound began to get unusual amounts of sand and dust everywhere.
In the meantime, out came yet another Pokémon: “Swampert, let’s go!” Out came the powerful water-type Pokémon, and it surveyed the area with a calm eye. “You guys always have to recklessly destroy everything for me to clean up? You’ve got to be kidding me. I thought this thing was gonna be exciting for once…” The Swampert looked at his trainer with a disappointed expression.
Don’t worry Swampert; you’ll be as much a part of the fun as the others…So since you want to work so hard, why don’t you flood the hallway to the left with Surf? Dragonite, you can use Thunder on the water.” As the Swampert’s massive deluge of water cascaded down the hallway, the Dragonite used a powerful Thunder attack on the water--fiercely electrocuting everything the water touched—except for the Swampert, who was also a Ground-type Pokémon as well as a Water-type.
As expected by the intelligent trainer, stronger support came down the hallway, to suppress the intruders before the big guns arrived. However, as they all came down the hall with all with their Pokémon, they all got fried by the electricity in the water, and then swamped by the electrified water. Everything but the stuff that levitated had no chance against the sudden attack on them all…
“Good job. Now, finish them all off with your Outrage, Dragonite” Nathan watched as the Dragonite cut loose and mercilessly attacked all of the Koffings and Magnemites that managed to float above the electrified Surf attack, and survived the Thunder that had been combined with the attack. Soon after, they were left for dead, and the Dragonite confused again. That last problem, however, was solved with another Persim berry.
Surveying the damage, and the spreading attack, Nathan frowns. “Let’s head the other way.” He called back the Machamp and the Tyranitar, and let the Swampert and the Dragonite tag along with him. The Dragonite and Nathan took off their goggles, and instead put special masks on themselves, to both clarify vision and help their breathing, because there was an increasing amount of thick dust flying around the compound now. However, the Swampert, being a Ground Type, didn’t see a need for it, and refused to put the mask on. They needed the masks now more than ever, as they got an edge by being able to simply see and breathe properly, which was a luxury that half their enemies already didn’t have by now…
They now moved east, as the entire western part of the compound was now swamped in severely electrified water, due to Swampert and Dragonite putting their all into letting loose as much water and electricity as possible during their attacks. This would disrupt that entire end of the compound, and cause anything from more electrocutions of Pokémon, to severe power outages.
However, Nathan expected more people to come from the eastern side, as that area was only affected by the thick cloud of dust and dirt, so Nathan pulled out a grenade to make some noise in this end of the compound, to trick the stronger resistance into going where he wasn’t. Facing the direction opposite of the one he was going, he threw the grenade as far as possible, simply to make a loud bang and do a bit of damage in the process.
The grenade did more than just make a bit of noise. It blew a good chunk through the wall where it made its impact, which revealed a chamber beyond, with only white as its dominant color--an obvious lab. He headed towards it with all speed possible towards the chamber, with the Swampert watching their backs, and the Dragonite--who was spoiling for a fight again--in front.
There was resistance, but it was only two scientists who happened to have their wits still about them. They sent out a Koffing and a Skuntank, who were both swearing under their breaths and complaining that the author made use of their entire respective species only as cannon fodder.
Once again, he had Swampert use Surf while the Dragonite used its Thunder on the rushing water, which fried both the scientists and most of their Pokémon--except for the Koffing, who was still levitating, and swearing about something along the lines of getting KO’d all the time for no apparent reason. Shouting in a very odd and colorful fashion, it used Sludge Bomb on the Dragonite, but its Multiscale reduced the damage, which would have been minor either way. “Oh crap…” Was all it said when it saw that its own species WAS in fact very good cannon fodder in most of these stories.
“Is that all you got? HAH! You’re mine you insignificant ball of hot air!” The Dragonite scoffed at the Koffing, and proceeded to attack.
“Dragonite, use Extremespeed!” Nathan shouted the command, and the intelligent dragon purposefully knocked the Koffing right into the electrified water--finishing off whatever health it had left from the nasty Extremespeed attack that it had just taken…Right when the poor Pokémon was about to say that its feelings were very much hurt by the insult it had just taken.
So far, so good. Nathan noticed that the lab for some strange reason had a slight incline to it, so he waited until enough water had drained away until it was safe to walk on the floor again. Deep in the midst of the lab, there was an obviously over-protected box of sorts, simply standing in the middle of everything, with all sorts of electrical equipment attached to it. They decided to do some damage to the lab, and so the Samurott used Earthquake while the Dragonite simply ripped everything to shreds, one by one…and both obviously enjoyed their lab-trashing.
By now, everyone in the lab was taken down by the aftermath of the excessively large Surf attack that Swampert had launched and Dragonite had electrified, so Nathan decided that the area for now was secure—for now.
“Machamp, you stand guard with Dragonite over the entrances. We don’t want unpleasant company.” No doubt that company would be delayed by the foul air outside--but this room wasn’t attached to the rest of the compound--it was isolated in every definition of the word…It was obvious this was the “something important” he was looking for, and it probably was inside that box, which looked like it could take even a hand grenade without a scratch.--but he wanted to test it anyway. “Swampert, why don’t we try out an attack on that box?”
“Yeah, I’ll try…” It surveyed the strange protected box carefully, and concluded that whatever was inside likely had another, lighter layer of protection…So he charged head-on to the box, and used Superpower on it. Part of the box shattered, revealing what appeared to be a glass case with water in it…and an Egg.
Having his curiosity aroused, Nathan took out his combat knife and started loosening the panels, where the Swampert's Superpower had shattered them. Eventually, he had the box pried off, and after going through a mass of tubes and wires, the whole thing was revealed…
A stasis capsule! They obviously think this thing is important. Why would they keep something like this so well-protected…Much less in stasis? Deciding that it was best to steal it to add to the collateral damage that he and his Pokémon companions had already done,, he took another tool from his pocket--a generic glass-breaker. He broke the glass--which didn’t seem to be bullet-proof, and extracted the egg before it could be damaged by rolling around and falling.
“Alright, let’s get out of here. We’ve taken what we wanted, and our backup should be able to make short work of this place and everything in it…Including us, if we don’t get out fast…” He recalled Machamp, leaving just his Swampert and Dragonite to clear the path out of the compound…
Odd. They headed down the hall rapidly, and met surprisingly little resistance. It was clear that either everyone was too disoriented from the ever-thickening clouds of sand and dirt and their attacks, but this was overkill. There were no guards with the stamina to stand in their way now…Just to make sure, he slowed down as he had ample time before the strike came, and threw another hand grenade in front of him to clear the rest of the path, and try to get to an outer wall to breach, so that they could make an early escape.
“Alright Swampert, make sure that we’re clear to move forward. Dragonite, do you mind if I climb on top of your back for a while?” Both Pokémon agreed without a word, and so Nathan climbed on top of the dragon, while Swampert ran forward, looking for any possible signs of resistance…But he needed to cover his back.
He pulled out Tyranitar again, to do just that. “Alright, use your Sand Stream again to put a cloud between us and anything that can see us!” The Tyranitar nodded, and threw out more sand than usual towards their rear with his ability, while they all moved forward as fast as they could behind Swampert, who was still acting as their scout.
With the main exit nearing them, they encountered little to no opposition, and he assumed that they were either dispersed, trying to get damage control set up…Or heavily guarding all of the exits…Which they turned out to be. His Swampert stopped. “Hey Dragonite, we need to stop! There’s something on the other side of the door!” Dragonite did just that, and so did Tyranitar.
This wasn’t right. They knew that moving forward was simply a must. Why did Swampert call out a full stop? “What’s going on?”
“There’s a lot of stuff on the other side of the door. I’d be toast if we simply charged it with nothing to cover us!” The Swampert was normally calm and collected…But not now. He was getting ready for a very unpleasant encounter…Seriously, why did you build up suspense only to give us a cheesy fight? The Swampert looked at some unknown point in the air, hoping for an answer which the author simply was too lazy to give him.
He threw the last of his hand grenades right at the door, and it shattered from the inside of the building from the shock…And sure enough, a cheesy fight with a large number of people with equally cheesy-looking, poison-type Pokémon was standing in their way to freedom.
“Typhlosion, Nidoking, Machamp, let’s go!” Nathan called out the other three Pokémon, who were all just as “fun”-loving and fierce as the others.
There were about twenty people at the entrance…All with their own Pokémon--all with the same malicious grins that their Trainers had…”Alright, let’s take this damn weasel out!” One of the Team Thunder people apparently made that their unofficial battle cry, because they all called out all the rest of their Pokémon, who were shouting very colorful words along with that same phrase that the first grunt shouted, at the six Pokémon and one human they were about to fight against.
“Alright, let’s get this over with. Nidoking, use Earth Power, while Swampert uses Surf and Typhlosion uses Heat Wave to hit the stragglers. Everyone else around me…attack!” All of Nathan’s Pokémon sprang into motion in perfect sync, and the result was the ground erupting around everyone and tripping them while a giant wave hit them all…While everything that managed to remain above the floor were smashed by a powerful Heat Wave attack…Followed by whatever attacks that the others felt like launching at whatever resisted or avoided the myriad of attacks that had already hit them…
There wasn’t much done on the enemy side, as most of their Pokémon were raised solely for keeping everyone inside the compound in line, instead of dealing with a powerful invader…And the rest simply didn’t have a chance when they got past the first three. They only met with Dragonite’s Extremespeed, Tyranitar’s Stone Edge, and Machamp’s DynamicPunch…
And so the cheesy fight which the Swampert never got an explanation for ended and they were able to move past the neutralized targets.
“The entrance is clear. Let’s MOVE!” Dragonite shouted above the crowd, and all of them got out in a hurry, simply bowling over the devastated enemy, and avoiding the ditches in the floor created by their powerful attacks…
Once they got out, Nathan grabbed his cell phone, and dialed a long phone number with a strange extension code. “Code Four-One-One-Bravo…Air Strike at Designation Twenty Three is under way?”
He got a swift response, in the form of a feminine voice over the phone. “They are on their way.. It’s good to hear your voice, Number Forty-Six. Is your objective obtained?”
“Yes it is, but I’m in trouble here. This beehive has been stirring and I need a pesticide to take care of it--like now. I got rid of the people at their door, but their compound is going to start clearing up enough for them to know who they’re going after.”
“Well, they won’t have long to figure out, so hold tight. ETA for our birds is under a minute. We sent them at about the time you arrived…I advise you clear the area.”
“Copy that…” He turned to his Pokémon, and recalled them all. “You all did a great job guys. You deserve a hero‘s welcome for this.” He then rapidly headed for cover before the pursuit could arrive.
Before anyone else could leave the compound, a single missile hit the compound…followed by quite a lot of others shortly after…and Nathan sat back at a safe distance and enjoyed the show, and watched the compound get turned to powder.
7th January 2012, 1:24 AM
I liked this. It was fast paced, and a little eccentric but i enjoyed it.
So far it seems like the Pokemon all have one personality except for Tyranitar who is slightly more immature, also there is a lot of thoughts throughout that do not have italics which made me believe they were not thoughts for a while.
Another thing. . . cool it a little bit on the elipsis. i enjoy making my audience pause with . . . but it seemed a tqad overused in the first section. also you have to space after you finish an elipsis, though spacing between the periods is optional.
One more thing, it was light-hearted and slightly serious until the fourth wall joke, which to me seemed slightly out of place.
I like where this is headed if its going anywhere near him getting an amazing Charizard and eventually realizing it was destined to be evil from Team Thunder. If you plan on a PM list, I would like to be added.
8th January 2012, 1:03 AM
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I like the pauses on the elipses, but I do admit that there are a lot. I'll try to curb them as necessary.
Yes, this story has both its serious and light moments, some more so than others. Yes, there will be a few Poke memes and a few fourth wall jokes scattered here and there, cause that's me. I don't want to end up with a too-dark and depressing fic. hehe...
For now, the story will get a bit lighter for a while, but it'll end with something that shouldn't be said yet. ^_^ As for the pace, it is meant to be quite a bit eccentric...And bear with me, the first part of the story is pretty much going to be that way.
If there are enough reviewers, I might try setting up a PM list...Thanks for reading!
So without further ado, here's the next chapter!
(Author's note: This chapter is a bit cheesy and is going to be one of those "transition chapters" you're likely to see throughout this story, not to mention that this particular one is likely to be a bit cheesy.)
Chapter Two: Anti-Crime Agencies and Other Fancy Stuff
“Hey, how’s the mission gone?” Carlos Julius Siegfried Carson, or just Siegfried, was one of Nathan Steele’s very few true friend, to the extent that Nathan had his small son was named after his friend. “Were there the usual grunts with their cannon fodder?”
“Yeah, it was mostly the usual, but a lot more of it than I'm used to. Haha!” Nathan laughed, and walked with his childhood friend down the hall, in the building that was serving as the Headquarters of the SCIA, or the Sinnoh Anti-Crime Agency.
“Well, they were guarding an egg that I stole before we flattened their compound. Hopefully this egg wasn’t mistreated in any way by those people. Who knows what they could have done to the poor thing…” Nathan left his sentence hanging, shook his head, and walked with Siegfried over to where the elevator was.
He drifted off in thought as they continued walking. Hopefully these people didn't scar an innocent Pokemon for life, before it even had a chance to live any of it...What's to become of it, anyway? He snapped out of his thoughts to Siegfried's voice.
“So what do you think is in it?” Siegfried’s curiosity was genuinely stoked. Why the hell would the Thunders place this much importance over an egg? “So how’d you find it?”
“It was all by chance, really. It was in a very well-maintained lab, deep within the compound. It took Swampert’s Superpower just to bust the thing holding it open.” Nathan paused, thinking hard on it and coming up with nothing.
"They were almost certainly experimenting on the egg and the un-hatched Pokémon inside, but they went through great lengths to encase its container—which was already in a secure stasis fluid—in a tough steel-like alloy." He was about to continue, but he was interrupted by his friend's apparent shock.
“It took THAT? Wow, that thing must have been a tough cookie to crack!” Siegfried was amazed that the guy’s Swampert didn’t totally destroy the entire lab. The Superpower attack of that Swampert’s part was a byword for power among most of the seasoned agents and police officers here.
“Yeah, that was just the case. I didn’t have any trouble cracking open the rest on my own, but the thing had so many wires and tubes attached to it that I could barely see the egg inside—much less the stasis container it was in.” Nathan stopped talking, because they were almost at the conference room.
The Agency’s leader, a gruff old man named Commander West, was in that room at the moment, waiting with other senior staff and seasoned agents of the SCIA. Commander West was in charge of all the doings of the agents of the agency.
Unfortunately though (for him), he had no control over any of the police organizations in Sinnoh, so there wasn’t much to be done in fighting the really large criminal organizations of the region—Team Thunder included. He had to use all of his Agents for this sort of work, and for that both he and his men were highly respected for, but rewarded sadly less than they deserved for it.
Siegfried opened the door to the conference room, and walked away, letting Nathan walk in on his debriefing on his own. The agent’s friend had other things to do about a random case involving some bodyguard work for a celebrity, supposedly a Pokemon League Champion-turned-politician...
Silence reigned in the conference chamber, as they all let Agent Steele pick one of the few remaining seats, and get himself comfortable.
“Hey Steele, how’d your mission go?” The gravelly voice of Commander West still had a world of strength in it, which came from years working for the International Police on his own for over thirty years, before taking a post as the head of this relatively new agency. “I trust that you secured whatever treasure it was they were guarding?
“Yes, I did--at least I think I did.” Nathan pulled out the egg from the protective sack he was carrying. He noticed the stern faces of other seasoned agents as well as office workers in the same large room. There could be no room for mistakes. “I found it deeper within their compound, in the middle of what appeared to be the main laboratory in the building. I have reason to believe that whatever they were guarding had directly to do with this egg…Either that, or this egg was the thing they were guarding.”
Murmurs spread across the room, most of them very low and unintelligible to most of the other people standing by them. One of the agents spoke up. “Well, in that case there’s really nothing that can be done about it. Steele, did you collect any information on what they were pursuing on that Pokémon?”
“No, there was only maintenance equipment for the egg, and nothing else there. I had to get out quickly though, in order to avoid getting nerfed by that air strike that someone decided to send earlier than scheduled.” He looked with open suspicion around the room, but found no apparent culprits, so he gave up and moved on with his life.
“Well, whatever they wanted, it involved waiting for the egg to hatch at their appointed time, so I personally think that we sufficiently screwed up their plans.” Commander West finally spoke up, and his potent voice silenced everyone who was still silently speculating between each other about the egg, Team Thunder, and everything else remotely related to what was going on in the room—except for a side mention about how one of their kids simply adored Mudkips.
“I agree. I have a feeling that whatever we did, our enemy will have to spend quite a lot of time recovering from this blow. In the meantime, we need to spread out and find other such labs in the region, and see what they’re actually up to, if we can.” Another unnamed agent spoke out in a soft tone, and his words were readily agreed with.
“That sounds great to me. We’ll get the various police forces in Sinnoh to simply scout out and find any signs of organized criminal activity, and we’ll simply destroy their works in their tracks, as the police seem to not be tough enough to do it for us.” Commander West’s words drew a few laughs from the small assembly, and paused to light a cigar he was holding in his hand.
“As for you, Agent Steele, keep the egg as a present from us to you. I’m sure that it will come in handy to you, as it won’t be healthy for a baby Pokémon to wind up with this group of gents, especially with the treatment it has already gotten.” He looked around at the others, and added sarcastically, “We lack the touch needed to raise an infant Pokémon. We can barely take care of an egg, and have to dump it on some random lab anyway if we don’t give it to someone, so what the hell, right?”
The Commander motioned to Steele to keep the blasted egg, and looked around once more at everyone else. “Everyone, you’re dismissed--excpet for Steele, I need to talk to him some more in private.”
“So what do you plan to do with that thing, just out of curiosity?” The Commander was in a lighter mood this time, now that he didn’t have to play the part of the tough guy in front of all of his men. He looked at Nathan with an expression of unusual curiosity, the kind of which is peculiarly unique to older gentleman such as that one.
“I am going to give it to my son. He needs a distraction to keep him out of trouble anyway. Not to mention, his birthday is coming up. I haven’t had time to give him much of anything, and I was hoping to get him something nice and fancy for his birthday. Hopefully my wife won’t hate me for not getting a stuffed animal instead.” Nathan had a slightly nervous expression on his face.
What will the Pokémon be? Would it be easy to train? Hopefully it won’t be a Wailmer or something overly large, or something hard to manage, like a Cacnea…
“Steele, you’re a fine agent. You’re a gentleman and a scholar, and many good things can be said of you.” Commander West started to speak, but didn’t let Nathan get the opportunity to reply before he said, “Even so, there’s something very wrong with you and your head.”
“And what is that” Nathan had never really been approached that way by the Commander, and wondered if it was something he just said or did.
“You worry too damn much! Take the Pokémon, give it to your son, and wing it. Isn’t that what you do on the field? I don’t think it could possibly be any different from anything else you’ve ever done." Commander West paused, and then smiled mischievously.
"Of course, what I'm saying might be true right? Unless, of course, you’re telling me that your wife threatens your life every time you slip.” He started laughing, and so did Steele.
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right…But I need a few days’ leave to see my kid. It’s a big day for him—he’s turning five, you know. Every kid wants his dad to be with him on his big day.” Nathan’s mood was lighter, and for once he actually smiled.
“Sure, I’ll give you a week or two, but don’t be long! I don’t want my best agent’s skills being spoiled by not working at all, you hear?” West was always a bit playful with his men, but only in private company. He once had said that there was a time to laugh, a time to remain silent, and a time to complain at someone. He didn’t see any use for anything right now but getting a smile on a gloomy man’s face.
It was later on in the evening, and Nathan finally had the time to call his family…At least he could call one person on this planet and tell her what his real job was, instead of dancing around the bush and telling everyone he was a Ranger and Pokémon researcher. It really got on his nerves sometimes, but—His thoughts were interrupted when the phone picked up.
“Hey honey, how’s it going?” He was calling his wife, Sarah, who was at home, undoubtedly preparing dinner for only two people instead of three.
“It’s going well; I’m cooking up dinner already, and getting ready for Julian’s big day.” She said the last few words out louder, no doubt for the sole purpose of getting the kid even more excited about the next day, which was his birthday.
“How was work?” She asked, as if she was expecting an “as usual” sort of reply. The sounds of pots and pans, and other sounds you hear over the phone when someone is cooking something, came over the phone and almost drowned out all the other background noise.
“Not quite the usual. I picked up something for Julian’s birthday. Let's see...there are some stuffed animals, an egg, and some other fancy stuff I’m getting him. It’s gonna be a great day for him.” Nathan’s tone was that of someone who is planning on doing something he’s not used to doing at all.
If there was one individual on this planet that even the great Nathan Steele was truly afraid of, it was his own wife when she was really mad about something. Gods below, I'm in for it.
“Say what? What kind of egg?” She asked candidly, but her tone betrayed a slight hesitance in it. It was clear to her that by now that something was up.
“I’m not sure, but it’s a Pokémon egg, that’s a fact. I got it on the job, and I’m sure that he’ll enjoy it. It was going to sit in some random lab, and the boss kind of dumped it on me…Yeah, that’s how life is, right?” Nathan’s words were met with several moments of silence, then an agitated voice speaking over the phone.
“I thought we talked about this already. We weren’t going to thrust this sort of thing on him until he is older. At least then he’ll figure out by then that a pet rock or something is easier to take care of than a Pokémon. What were you thinking?” Her voice was gradually rising, and Nathan could tell that if he didn’t do something about it soon, the secret would be spoiled, and not only that she would be a worse opponent to deal with than anything Team Thunder--or even his boss--could throw at him.
“As I mentioned, he simply gave it to me. What would you do if you saw an egg by itself, already experimented on, and you had a chance to save it from a life as a lab rat?” His tone was soft, and he really hoped his wife would understand. “There’s nothing else I can do for it. I’ve already got my team of Pokémon, and having a baby Pokémon go along for the ride on every one of my missions would simply endanger the lot of us. It would be better off at home, around a child who will love it and someone special who cares.”
“…Fine. Just make sure it isn’t a Wailmer, Cacnea, or something. If it is something like that you’re going to find out that the bad guys are the least of your problems.” After a bit of silence, they started laughing, and hung up.
It was decided then. This Pokémon egg would go to Julian. Arceus, all I ask is that this Pokémon isn’t something really bad…
19th January 2012, 2:01 AM
Sorry it took so long to get Chapter Three rolling along, but here it comes!
I might be adding a VM list instead of a PM one, as I only have one reviewer who said he was interested in being in such a list. If I do get more than two or three, I will indeed be making PM lists.
Again, thanks for reading, and PLEASE leave any thoughts you may have on the story here or message me! Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
This is a really cheesy chapter, and there isn't a whole lot that happens in it, although it is interesting.
For those of you who might think "Wait, is he THAT smart?" I intended the Pokemon starred in the coming chapter to be that way. As you may have noticed, the egg was their lab rat, and they could have done any number of things to him--and they did quite a lot, which you will see more and more of in the future.
But I don't want to give out TOO many spoilers, so without further ado, here is the next chapter!
Chapter Three: The Difference between Stuffed Animals and Pokemon
“Happy Birthday, Julian!” The boy woke up to the sound of his mother, who was holding a present and a small cake that she baked during the night before. Julian’s delight knew no bounds, as this was his tenth birthday…which many people his age looked forward to. Luckily for the child, it happened to be the first few days of the winter vacation, which was rather unique to the season. In this time of year, most of the roads—if not all of them—were almost inaccessible by cars and buses, and not everyone in the area had a helicopter. The only drawback to this was that school was in session during the summer, to make up for the three months lost during the winter.
“Where’s Dad?” Julian asked a question he already suspected the answer to; he knew that his father was a Pokémon Ranger, and a famous one at that. He was well-respected as a person who knew his stuff, in a world where Pokémon Professors were almost non-existent. (Of course, the boy--along with most others in the world--didn’t know that the great Ranger Steele was also a well-respected crime fighter, who was also feared by his many enemies.)
“He’s out doing some work, but will be home in a couple of hours. Let’s eat some breakfast, and we’ll open your presents and eat your cake later.” His mother was an aspiring professor who studied wonderful creatures known in that world as Pokémon, but her works had yet to be published…not that they would be soon, her living in a house almost literally in the middle of nowhere, and her husband busy sometimes 24/7. On top of that, there was also the fact that they not only lived in a mountain range, but it was autumn, and in only a few short weeks they would be almost isolated from the rest of the region, save for the small town nearby, and the school that was in it.
She looked at her son, who was almost literally jumping up and down with excitement. I think we hyped him up a bit too much for today. Good grief, hopefully it won’t be a WILD party this year…
They went out into the dining room, which had a window that had a beautiful view of the snow-capped mountainside on which they lived. Sarah Steele, Julian’s mother, went into the kitchen to get the breakfast that she had prepared, while Julian sat down on the table and enjoyed the dazzling morning sun on the snow outside, and pretended to read a child’s book he was holding.
A couple hours had passed, and Julian was pacing around the spacious living room, pretending to read that same book, when his father entered. That’s my Dad! Julian looked up at his father, very obviously proud to have the coolest dad on the block. Yelling something almost unintelligible, he ran at a full tilt at Nathan, who caught him in his arms.
“Hey squirt, how’s it been?” Nathan smiled, surprised at how fast his son was growing. Man, I need a better job…If even this misses my eyes, what else am I not seeing? Perhaps I SHOULD be a Ranger like everyone thinks I am…
“How was work, honey?” Sarah deliberately snapped Nathan out of his thoughts, which were no doubt depressing and had something to do with his “adventures.”
“It went very well, actually. I even had time to get Julian another birthday present.” He said this on purpose, to build the moment’s suspense—but before his son burst out of the excitement of the moment. “This one is very special.”
He pulled out the very same case he was carrying the egg in, and carefully pulled it out. There were sounds coming from inside, so it wouldn’t be that long before it hatched—hopefully into something good. “Julian,” he paused, making sure he had his son’s full attention, “I’ve got a very special Pokémon egg that I’ve got for you to take care of. I got it at work, but unfortunately, most of the places I go to are too dangerous for hatchlings to be at. I figured that it would be far better here…in your care. Be sure to take care of it like your mother takes care of you.”
Having said that, Nathan took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and calmly handed the egg to Julian, who eagerly took the egg and held it close. This certainly isn’t like any of the other starting Pokémon I’ve given to kids. This one has a very strong aura or something about it…Arceus, please let this Pokémon be a good one. He still worried about what the Thunders did to the poor thing before it hatched, aside even from the experimentation that they subjected the poor thing to…Perhaps a child was what it needed to help heal those wounds.
“Thanks!!!” That was all Julian said, and he meant it. He looked at the strange egg, and was thoroughly distracted by it, as his father talked with his mother in a rather serious tone about the strange egg that he had just given to his son.
After a few moments, Nathan turned back and talked to his son. “Julian, I’m not sure what kind of egg it is, so it could be anything. However, I can tell you this: Pokémon eggs usually hatch well if they’re always kept in a warm and safe place. Once it hatches, it will need lots of love and care, just like any baby would. Just be aware of that, okay?”
Julian simply nodded, and ignoring the rest of his presents, carried the egg off to his room, and didn’t leave there for most of the day. Later on, he came down, and after having tucked it in his bed, went down and enjoyed cake with his parents…
Two weeks later…
“Mom, I think the egg’s hatching!” Julian called out loud downstairs, to his mom—his father was at work again, too busy to be aware of much else other than his work, no doubt. He gazed intently at the slowly cracking eggshell, and he saw a gold-colored arm appear. “Hey, it’s happening!” He called downstairs at the top of his lungs, aching with anticipation and excitement over what it would be.
Sarah rushed upstairs to witness the event. Not only was it a special moment for her son, but also it was highly important to some of her research on Pokémon breeding to witness a Pokémon hatching from its egg. At any rate, I hope it isn’t something difficult to train, like a Scraggy or Yanma, or is something overly big like a Wailmer—If it’s a Wailmer I’m going to kill Nathan for pulling that one off!
She arrived just in time to see it partially emerge from the eggshell, and out came the head of a Pokémon with one of the calmest expressions that she had ever seen. The thing stared at her right in the eye, albeit adorably…But still, it was disturbing on many levels. She looked intently at the small Pokémon as it took in its surroundings with an intellect that she rarely saw any Pokémon display, while not even bothering to break open the rest of its egg before doing so. It crawled back inside, appearing to be a bit shy or something. Other than the arm she had seen, and the top of its head, she couldn’t see anything, because it had already put the broken top piece of the egg back on like a lid, so she could barely see only its face.
Who are you? It wore a very lost expression. Where am I? What is this place? This isn’t like that box I was in. It studied the room with an intense gaze, and seemed to warm up to the people inside the room, and looked at Sarah, once again straight into her eye. You look like a nice person. I think I might like you. It smiled innocently, looking as if there was nothing at all wrong with the world.
Seeming to think nothing was wrong, it slowly emerged from its eggshell, and once again, looked at Sarah in the eye, and noticed a distinct look of horror in the human’s face, very much like what went on before it hatched. Was it something I did?
“Hey Mom, it looks even cooler than all the other Charmanders I’ve seen other trainers use!” Julian looked with glee at the cute little golden-colored Pokémon—very much unlike the usual reddish-orange ones that were seen everywhere from commercials on TV, to images from textbooks. He grinned from ear to ear, and watched with amusement as the very strange Charmander tried to copy that expression. Apparently when it was an egg, it had never really seen a human smile like that.
Sarah gasped again at the thing’s intelligence—not to mention its looks--and hurried downstairs for her cell phone to call her husband. There were millions of things totally wrong with this…thing. It looked like it came from another planet or something, and the expression it wore just wasn’t something that any normal baby Pokémon would even be able to comprehend. Yes, a smaller Pokémon might have that sort of expression, but to have this happen right at the moment it was hatching really got to her head.
She reached her phone, and nearly toppled over more than one thing in her titanic rush, only to get more bad news: she only picked up Nathan’s answering machine. “Nathan, Julian’s egg hatched…But it’s not a normal Pokémon at all. You need to come and look at it--NOW!” She hung up the phone and rushed over to Julian’s room again to check on this otherworldly creature.
Upstairs, the strange Charmander looked with intense curiosity in its eyes at Julian, having never seen a human child while it was an egg before. Certainly this was a pretty violent world to be in, but the midget or something sitting in front of him with an innocent wonder written all over his face clearly hadn’t seen the bad side of things—like its parents, which it barely remembered, if at all. Those people messed me up…but how? Confused, the Charmander plopped down on the bed it was sitting on, and began to doze off, when it was jarred by the tiny human getting up and making a mad dash out of the chamber he was in.
He tried to follow, but suddenly stopped short at the flight of stairs, and wondered how these people could even negotiate these things, and wondered what their purpose was. He made an attempt to climb down the blasted things when he simply fell over and fell onto the step below, rolled over the edge, and onto the next step, and the step after that—when the tiny human—whose name was apparently Julian from the conversation he had just overheard between the lady and the tiny one—caught him before he could fall all the way down the cursed things that lay underneath him now.
“Well, glad I caught you before you could fall all the way down the stairs, huh?” Julian wore an expression of happiness almost related to giddiness, and the Charmander concluded that the kid could be somewhat retarded. Poor thing, he’s not only small, but has a small mind as well! He sighed, and looked to the other person for a bit of help, judging her to be smart—but got nothing but a highly disturbed look from the taller human. Perhaps she was only confirming that there WAS something that the bad guys messed with in him.
“Son, you have to be extra careful with your Charmander until we can get it looked at. It’s not normal, and there may be something wrong with it.” Sarah looked with rather extreme concern at her son, and at the baby Charmander that was already trying to copy both their moves out of amusement, suddenly distracted from his thoughts for a very odd reason. Perhaps it was still because he had just hatched? He didn’t know, but he did have the urge to do some very irrational things…
He saw the taller human lecturing the little one, and came to the conclusion that he was just an un-evolved human of sorts, or would simply have to grow to fill out. He also found out shortly from the incredibly dull exchange about him that the smaller human was in fact a child, and was the taller human’s offspring. Eventually, their conversation turned to the tune of small talk, and he simply started walking around and exploring what would apparently be his only world for a while.
He got bored rapidly, and suddenly had that same irrational urge from earlier to explore and play in this strange new world he was in. There were lots of things to see, lots of places to go—and such small legs to carry him! Curious about a strange new sight, he looked up at the kitchen table, and wondered if it was different from the same equipment he saw reacting to his every move inside his eggshell. He looked up at the table, and simply for the reaction started to give into his childish urges… As irrational as they were, being extremely intelligent from the moment of his hatching was already incredibly depressing.
Julian and his mother had by now finished talking, and were in the living room, studying the Pokémon for any signs of abnormality, other than the supremely disturbing intelligent expression the thing was almost always wearing, as if there was something truly wrong about that Pokémon’s head.
Sarah shook her head as the Charmander started wandering around, finally acting like a hatchling. It was obviously a prodigy among Pokémon, and even that was an understatement. If that one would ever truly connect with her son, she would have almost no worries at all about that one helping Julian a lot.
“My Charmander’s gonna be a star!” Julian interrupted Sarah’s thoughts with his raucous and random shouting, as he looked at his new Pokémon, as it walked into the kitchen, started gnawing on the leg of the table to apparently see what it tasted like, having gotten no reaction from staring cutely at it. A look of concern passed over his face, as he knew that his mom really liked that table.
Sarah noticed the little Pokémon’s exploring had already taken a somewhat-undesired turn, and she simply remedied the solution by walking over and prying it off of the table leg, which already had a few bite marks on it. “More like a ‘death star’ of sorts, if you let it act this way. If you do, it’ll be a man-eating Charizard before long.” She took a reference off a rather cheesy sci-fi movie they had just recently watched, and once again shook her head. She would have to make sure this unnatural Charmander understood his place in the order of things around here.
“That’s a great name!” Julian naively didn’t catch the subtler parts of her words, and got the name stuck into his head, thinking it was unusually cool. He took the golden-colored Pokémon from his mother and held it, studying it intensely an innocent wonder. “I’ll call you Deathstar. Do you like that?”
Deathstar? That doesn’t sound half bad…I could think of cheesier names, but hey, at least he isn’t calling me Powerpuff or something. The Charmander made a show of liking the name very much, and wore a happy and stupid expression, for some reason that escaped him. He looked around, and realized that those irrational desires were once again returning to him, now that he had nothing in particular to give his attention to, and he rapidly got dumbly distracted again.
The Charmander broke his attention off of Julian, who set him down after the Pokémon made a small struggle to get free. The Charmander started wandering around the house again, having been freed from the iron hands of the human he now apparently belonged to. He made a distracted beeline into the living room, where Sarah was at, sitting on one of the three couches in there. He walked up to her, and tried to get Sarah’s attention by crying out in the way he thought a typical Pokémon would.
Sarah turned around and looked with another disturbed look at the Charmander, who thought he had done something wrong by cooing out softly at her. This is bad. He almost flinched as Sarah got up, and walked toward him with a smile on her face, which seemed to be a reassuring one. Apparently the human had given the whole matter some thought, and decided that he wasn't such a little ball of horror after all.
“Look here,” she said softly, being evidently out of hearing range for her somewhat loud child, “It seems that whoever had you did a lot of things to you, and your head it seems. You’re an intelligent little one, so I’m sure that you’re smart enough not to do anything more stupid than chewing up my favorite piece of furniture. He’s your trainer now, and if you don’t know what that means, you will soon."
She paused, and making sure that Julian wasn't paying attention, she went on. "I don’t know what those people did to you, but all I can say is that because of that you’re different, which can be either good or bad, depending on how you see the world. Julian’s a good person, and you should get to know him. I know that you must have gone through some terrible things already, but that’s not makes anyone who they are. Who you are is defined by what you think, do, and say. Oh, and one more thing: lighten up, you’re depressing even me with that expression of yours... Oh, by the way, my name is Sarah. That one is Julian, as you probably know by now, and he knows me as Mom. You can know me however you'd like, but I prefer being called Mom, okay?”
Sarah sent the Charmander away with a pat on the head and a sweet smile on her face, knowing that the strange Pokémon would likely understand every word of what she had said. Too bad Julian Balthazzar Steele isn’t that smart already. She chuckled to herself as she went to the kitchen to do the dishes, while watching Julian run head-on towards the Charmander, who was already on his toes, in an apparent attempt to avoid being detained by his hyper-active “trainer,” who was apparently going to be a pain to talk sense to.
Julian finally caught up to the Charmander in the living, who was beginning to panic out of fear that he would be hugged to death, until Sarah came to his rescue and told Julian to leave him be, and so the boy had left him on a couch. This is rough already… The Charmander sighed, and fell asleep right there, feeling a bit tired and closing its eyes for a nap.
Of course, it was soon bed time, and Julian took the Charmander upstairs to sleep in his room along with him.
This is going to be fun! Julian looked at Deathstar, who he had laid down on the bed, and wondered what cool things awaited the two of them when he would finally turn ten.[/SPOILER]
23rd January 2012, 12:27 AM
So far I've only read the first chapter, but there are already countless problems I've found. I'm too lazy to go back and quote certain parts of the story, so bear with me.
First of all, I'd actually like to praise your prologue. You did an excellent job at establishing the dark mood. The characters you introduced and the description you included in the dialogue really made the story come alive.
Unfortunately, it started going downhill in the first chapter. Don't get me wrong; I like the premise of the story. Invading the base and recovering the secret item from the team we have just been acquainted with is a great direction to go in. The problems were mainly with the writing itself.
Let me start with the pokemon. Like in the Nova Travels which you drew inspiration from, you made the pokemon basically into human characters; fully capable of carrying out a logical conversation. However, you only want to do this when the pokemon play an important part in the story. This chapter was mainly filled with action (which I'll get to later) so there wasn't a lot of room to introduce your characters. Your pokemon just seem like supporting characters that you left in the corner to rot, just making them mechanically do their actions in the story without placing any emphasis on them. It's clear that you want to make your pokemon into real characters (I don't know if this is actually what you're going for or not, but that's what it seems like) but there just isn't enough room for more characters.
This problem can be remedied, however. Like I said, though you tried to give your pokemon personalities, you just have them like robots, doing what they're told and nothing else. You have to build on the personalities of these pokemon a bit more. You might need to change up your actual story a bit to do this, however; you don't want to force your character development. Try to make some situations in your writing where your characters can develop naturally. Right now, your story is all about action action action and there's no room for your pokemon to act for themselves or show how they interact with each other.
Speaking of action, you've got too much of it. You're just filling up your story with fluff. Swampert fills this hallway with water and Dragonite electrocutes it. Move along. Throw a grenade. Beat some pokemon. That's all your story is right now. Remember, you're not telling a narrative. Narratives are for relaying events and nothing else. You're telling a story, in which you're supposed to analyze how characters react to these situations and analyze their thoughts in order to postulate on human nature. You're not analyzing anything with just a bunch of events.
Moving right along, you've basically done nothing with Nathan. Always remember, character development is important. You want readers to get an idea for who this guy is. So far, we've seen him command his pokemon and use some cool tools. I want to learn more about his personality and how he reacts to certain situations. You can do this through character developments. Just don't go overboard with your character development, otherwise you'll end up with a shipping fic (almost what's happening with the Nova Travels)
Finally, let me comment on your humor. You're trying to turn this into a comedy fic when the situation clearly does not call for it. Pretty much all of your jokes seem out of place, especially the fourth wall jokes. In the kind of fic you're writing, you don't want fourth wall jokes at all. They make your writing seem dry and uncreative. The reason fourth wall jokes work well in stories such as The Adventure of Adventureness and sequels, is because they're comedy fics and the entire premise of the story breaks the fourth wall, so it's sort of necessary. Don't try to do that here. If you're going to include jokes, I suggest you wait until the situation is appropriate. Don't include jokes during the first chapter, where they're infiltrating the enemy facility. Wait until there's no clear conflict which may cause tensions with characters.
Speaking of conflict, that's the last thing I want to talk about before I forget. Nathan starts out with a bunch of super strong pokemon. This may not have been a good idea. Because the pokemon world is largely driven by superiority, and Nathan already has a lot of strong pokemon, he can do pretty much anything he wants. If he's trying to stop Team Thunder, why not just walk up to the leader's office and challenge him to a battle? After all, he got past the tightest security Team Thunder could manage without so much as lifting a finger. In other words, you're going to have a hard time developing good conflicts because they can be so easily resolved. You're going to have to be creative in coming up with believable conflicts. When you're coming up with problems that Nathan has to face, make sure to think about his options and consider how difficult it would be for him to resolve the conflict.
And that's about all I have to say. If any of my complaints have been resolved in chapters I haven't read yet, then good. Just make sure you don't completely forget about my suggestions because of that.
23rd January 2012, 12:38 AM
The main thing is, Nathan isn't the main character. What I've done with the first few chapters of my story is merely to get the setting for the main character clearly defined, as I'm posting on someone that's closely related to said character.
I'm trying to leave room for questions here, so that more can be filled in later on, but I do see your point about Chapter One.
As for the conflict, Nathan will not be around for very much of the story, nor will the main character's mom. They're pretty much my main means of setting the initial parts of the story into motion, and then they will no longer be in it.
23rd January 2012, 12:49 AM
As for the conflict, Nathan will not be around for very much of the story, nor will the main character's mom. They're pretty much my main means of setting the initial parts of the story into motion, and then they will no longer be in it.
Okay. In this case, you're going to have to decide what parts of the story are the most important and which parts you need to emphasize the most. No matter how important it is to the overarching plot, chapter one was filled with unsatisfying fluff that leaves readers with an empty feeling. Was all that action really necessary to establish what needs to be established? Consider the reason that you made that chapter in the first place. Your synopsis seems to indicate that stealing the egg was the focus of that chapter. In that case, I reiterate, was all that action really necessary? You didn't have to describe- in detail- every insignificant part of Nathan's journey to reach the egg if that was your main focus.
Long story short, focus more on what's important rather than giving us fluff. Remember, you're not getting points for making your story long. Trim the fat and get rid of all the unnecessary stuff that you could leave out while still preserving the main idea of your story.
23rd January 2012, 1:00 AM
I'll be going back and editing the parts of the story, and trimming it down.
Overall, my goal is to get the reader to know this guy, and to some extent his pokemon. Needless to say, I've got some revisions to do.
Thanks for leaving your thoughts on the matter. :)
23rd January 2012, 1:48 PM
Okay, done reading it. Overall, it's really good. The primise for the plot is great from what I can tell, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it works out. I did notice some problems, though. First, there are a few inconsitancies. For example, Julian was stated to be five in chapter one, then ten in the next chapter. I've got to go now, so I'll edit this later. Till next time!
24th January 2012, 2:53 AM
Thanks! I plan to be revising the first chapters of this story before moving on, as other villainous groups than Team Thunder also play an important role throughout the story. While I'm doing so, I'll weed out any remaining consistencies as that.
Thanks for reading!
25th January 2012, 3:19 AM
Pretty good fellah I like it.
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