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Haymez
8th January 2012, 8:28 PM
Ok, I'm going to give fic writing a shot.
This is my first fic and I'm not the best writer. You have been warned.

Pm list:
Superpower Emboar
493pkmns
Missingno&Cubone

First off I want to say that this fic was partially inspired by the coming war by superpower emboar. This does not mean I copied him, it just means that I came up with the idea while reading his fic.

Ok, I guess we're ready to start, this will be rated pg-13 I think.

The Leafblade Chronicles

Chapter 1

John wandered down the road as he always did when he had nothing to do. He walked past a few shops and stopped to look through the windows at the wares on display. Nothing caught his eye and he continued on down the road.

It was a warm summer day in mid-July. John was a tall, broad shouldered youth of about 16. He had dark, curly hair cut to a middling length and light blue eyes. He was one of the "popular" people at his school due to his amazing skill in Pokemon battles. He was also a very knowledgeable person but hid this from his peers so as not to be considered a "nerd". He was an electric type master and could pull off a win in almost any situation he was put in during battles with his classmates and even teachers. John was very good friends with his Pokemon and always made sure they were in top condition.

On this bright, sunny day in mid-July as John was walking down the road with nothing to do, another much more exciting event was taking place down the road in the city bank.

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"Put the money in the sack miss, and nobody gets hurt." the masked man sneered menacingly. The bank teller quivered in fear as her hair was pulled back roughly and a sharp claw was placed at her throat.

"Good job Weavile," the man said to his Pokemon, then, pulling a pistol out of his jacket, turned again to the teller.

"So what'll it be," said the man, " The money, or you?"

"Wea!" Weavile added menacingly, pulling back on the teller's hair even further and digging its claw into her neck.

"Ok, ok, you can have the money, just don't hurt me!" she cried frantically.

"Glad we could reach a mutually beneficial agreement" the man sneered, putting the gun back into his jacket. Weavile released the woman's hair as she began placing bills in the sack the man had brought.

The man congratulated himself silently on the flawless heist. He had chosen the perfect time, a Wednesday afternoon when no one else would be visiting as they were all working and the teller was the only one out in the main area. Yes, it was a perfect hold up with no witnesses. Or so he thought. A slight man had emerged from the restroom unnoticed by the man and his Pokemon and, once he saw what was happening, stepped back out of sight and proceeded to whisper quickly into a cell phone.
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Meanwhile John had continued his lonely trek down the road. He had made his way into the downtown area and through greater numbers of people. As he was nearing the bank he heard sirens approaching from behind him.
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Back inside the bank the man heard the sirens as well.

"S***! Weavile time to go!" he exclaimed.

He grabbed the bag now weighed down with cash and made a run for the door, Weavile following close behind.
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Outside, John was just outside of the bank as the man and his Pokemon burst out of the door. John was stunned at first by their sudden appearance and took a second to come to his senses. He noticed the bag and the mask and figured out what must have happened. He now understood why he heard sirens, they were still far away.

Seeing the pair of robbers running for a car, presumably their getaway vehicle. He reacted without even thinking, almost on instinct.

He called out weakly, " Stop!" and took a step forward and outstretched his hand, wishing here was something he could do to stop the robbers.

Suddenly, he felt a strange tingling in his outstretched arm and a lightning bolt shot out of his hand, striking the man and his Pokemon. A shocked expression appeared on John's face and a large collective gasp was heard from the bystanders as the bolt struck the man and his Weavile, bringing them down.

John retained his position for a few seconds in complete shock, then, feeling devoid of energy, collapsed.

As he hit the ground John looked at his hand. A few sparks jumped between his fingers and blackness consumed him.

Haymez
11th January 2012, 10:26 PM
Hmmm. Nothing huh? Well I guess no news is good news. The next chapter will be up soon.

Haymez
12th January 2012, 12:27 AM
Ok, the much awaited next installment! :|

Chapter two is also kind of short, I'll work on more length with chapter 3


Chapter 2

John woke up in a hospital bed. He sat up and looked around and saw that he was the only one in the room except for another patient who was lying with his back to John. He tried to speak to the other patient but his voice did not work. Exhaustion overcame him and he sank back into the darkness of sleep.

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When John woke up again he felt much stronger and energized. A nurse was in the room talking to the other patient, who was a middle aged man with a deep and somewhat hoarse voice. John was skeptical that the man really needed to be in the hospital until, midway through a sentence he broke into a fit of loud, raspy coughing that lasted a full two minutes. When he finally stopped there was a worried look on the nurse's face and black phlegm all over the bed in front of him.

Shaking her head the nurse turned to John and said
"So, you decided to finally wake up."

"How long have I been sleeping?" replied john.

"About two days" the nurse said, "you came in about an hour before that poor soul over there."

At that point John's parents walked into the room and, seeing John awake, rushed over to him.

"John! Oh, your awake, this is great! We were so worried about you!" his mother said, on the verge of tears.

"Hey mom. I'm doing fine, you don't need to cry." John said after his mother finished babbling. To prove it he tried to sit up. As he did so he again felt weak and fell back with a grunt.

"I guess I'm still a little weak but I feel fine." he said quickly to avoid another outburst by his mother.

"Your son will be fine," said the nurse "he just needs rest that's all. We'll keep him here for another couple of days so he can fully recover."

"A few days?" his father said, astonished. "But he has school and he can't miss it."

"I'm sorry sir," the nurse responded, "but your son needs to heal, I'm sure he can make up what he missed later. Now I'm going to have to ask you to leave now so your son can rest."

"Ok, get better John," his mother said, fighting back tears again. John's father put his arm around his wife and led her out of the room, followed by the nurse. John quickly fell asleep again.

---------------------------------
John was awakened by a coughing fit from his roommate. When he was finished, the man turned to him. He had a scar running from under his eye down his neck. John could not see where it ended.

"Sorry fer wakin' ya kid." the man said gruffly.

"It's ok." said John, not wanting to upset the man.

"What's yer name, son?" the man asked. John told him
"Hmmmm, well since we're gonna be roommates for a few days you might as well know my name as well, I'm Chris, not Mr. Chris, not sir, just Chris, you got that?"

"Yes, sir! I mean Chris, sorry." John stammered.

"Good, anyway, what are ya in here for, kid?" Chris asked.

"Well, I'm not totally sure what happened," John said, "I was walking past a bank and a man and a Pokemon that had just robbed the bank ran out in front of me and went for a getaway car. I somehow shot lightning out of my hand and stopped them. Then I blacked out and woke up here." John explained.

"Hmmmm, lightning huh? Well go back to sleep, you need your rest, kid." Chris said with a faraway look in his eyes, as if he was thinking about something. John complied as he was very tired. His last thought was that Chris seemed to know more than he let on. John then slipped into sleep.

Haymez
16th January 2012, 4:37 PM
Hmm, again nothing.

That's fine.

For anyone who cares chapter three is about half done and it will be much more lengthy than the other two.

Superpower Emboar
16th January 2012, 5:12 PM
Don't worry, im sure you just have a bunch of closet reviewers.

I'm wondering, this sounds awesome just from the first few chapters, and glad to see i inspired someone.

Add me to the PM list if you plan to make one.

Keep up the excellent work!

Haymez
16th January 2012, 6:18 PM
Thank you!
Finally someone replied.

You are added.

Haymez
16th January 2012, 8:05 PM
Well, here's chapter three. It's a bit shorter than I intended but if I added the next part in it would be epicly long, plus the next part deserves its own chapter anyway.

Chapter 3

"Lightning huh," Chris said softly to himself. It was dark in the room, about two AM. As such most traffic outside the hospital had ceased, leaving an eerie silence. Chris was sitting on his hospital bed with his legs hanging down the side, his feet resting on the floor. He watched the steady rise and fall of John's breathing as he slept. John was sleeping on his side with his back to Chris. Sitting there, watching the young boy sleep he pondered the events preceding his stay there at the hospital. How he had been brought in after a public bout of coughing that had left him on the ground, barely able to breathe. Someone had called an ambulance and he was carted off to this hospital room, almost exactly one hour after a kid who had miraculously fired a lightning bolt from his hand.

"What a strange coincidence," Chris thought, as a wry smile crept onto his face.

The kid was a lightning thrower, just as Chris had been informed. He was now in perfect position. All he had to do now was wait for the signal.

"Yes, a job well done if I do say so myself," Chris thought as he reclined on his bed and drifted off to sleep
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Over the next two days John's strength returned to him. While recovering his family was only allowed a few short visits which were often cut short by a doctor or nurse coming to check on the two patients. Not being able to interact much with his family and friends, John wiled away the hours talking with Chris. John learned that Chris was in the hospital for his coughing, which was a chronic affect resulting from an old injury where his lungs were damaged. Chris told him that he had been in and out of the hospital multiple times, but the doctors could do very little for him. As such, they kept him there as long as they could in order to try and ease his pain.

"They always try to keep me here so they can treat me," Chris told John, "but I always end up leaving after a while. Can't stand these places , son. I need wide open spaces and fresh air, this hospital smell really gets to me."

John knew what he meant, the smell was starting to get to him too.

"Where do you live when you're not in a hospital?" John asked.

"Mmm, I move around a lot." Chris replied somewhat evasively.

Their conversations went on like this for long stretches of time. They talked about their lives, their families, at least in John's case, and pretty much anything else that came up. One thing Chris always seemed to come back to was John's lightning shot. He asked many questions regarding this miraculous event.

"What did you feel when it happened?" Chris asked one time.

"Well, I'm not sure how to explain it." John said, "I felt a kind of tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep, but less painful, does that make sense?"

"Hmmm" Chris said, nodding his head. "And how did you know how to do this lightning attack?"

"That's a question I would like answered myself," John answered, scratching his head. "I don't know exactly what I did, it was almost instinct. I saw that guy and his Pokemon running off with that stolen money and I just wished there was something I could do to stop them, and it just happened."

"Yes! This is perfect!" Chris said under his breath.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that." John said, looking at Chris, puzzled.

"That's very interesting." Chris said with a bit of a twinkle in his eye. He laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling, effectively ending the conversation.

John was a little puzzled by Chris' reaction but had become used to it. It seemed that every time they talked about the lightning bolt Chris got a faraway look in his eyes and the conversation ended there. John couldn't help wondering if Chris knew more about this then he was letting on. The one time John broached the subject with him, Chris responded with a grunt and refused to say anything else, so John gave up. He couldn't help wondering though.
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The next night John couldn't sleep. He had drifted off for a while but had been awakened by another of Chris' coughing fits. After that he had been unable to get back to sleep. He gave up after a while and just laid there, staring up at the ceiling pondering the events of the past few days. He stopped a robbery by shooting lightning out of his hand, and had spent the last few days in a hospital room with a strange man named Chris. John didn't know what to think about Chris. He was a very strange person. He seemed innately interested in he lightning, and John was convinced he knew something about it that he wasn't telling John.

He pondered what his life would be like in the future. He would likely be labeled a freak and shunned by the people he had known his whole life. The nurses already treated him strangely. They would come in to his room and ask him how he felt, then hey would check his vitals and whatever else nurses did and move on quickly. He had seen nurses at work before and they never moved that quickly. John was disturbed by this but was partially relieved that they did the same with Chris. It was understandable given his explosive coughing fits and coarse demeanor, but still gave John a degree of comfort in the fact that he wasn't the only one.

After a while of pondering these things, John slipped once again into sleep.

Superpower Emboar
16th January 2012, 10:51 PM
"Lightning huh," Chris said softly to himself. It was dark in the room, about two AM. As such most traffic outside the hospital had ceased, leaving an eerie silence. Chris was sitting on his hospital bed with his legs hanging down the side, his feet resting on the floor. He watched the steady rise and fall of John's breathing as he slept. John was sleeping on his side with his back to Chris. Sitting there, watching the young boy sleep he pondered the events preceding his stay there at the hospital. How he had been brought in after a public bout of coughing that had left him on the ground, barely able to breathe. Someone had called an ambulance and he was carted off to this hospital room, almost exactly one hour after a kid who had miraculously fired a lightning bolt from his hand.* What are all the astericks spread throughout for? anyway, multiple narrators is good, and it seems like your getting the hang of it.



Over the next two days John's strength returned to him. While recovering his family was only allowed a few short visits which were often cut short by a doctor or nurse coming to check on the two patients. Not being able to interact much with his family and friends, John wiped away the hours talking with Chris. John learned that Chris was in the hospital for his coughing, which was a chronic affect resulting from an old injury where his lungs were damaged. Chris told him that he had been in and out of the hospital multiple times, but the doctors could do very little for him. As such, they kept him there as long as they could in order to try and ease his pain. I like this paragraph, im a bit of a stickler though, may want to divide this into two smaller paragraphs.


"They always try to keep me here so they can treat me," Chris told John, "but I always end up leaving after a while. Can't stand these places , son. I need wide open spaces and fresh air, this hospital smell really gets to me." If he is supposed to be the mentor you may want him to be cured so he will survive without questions arising.



John.* again, the astericks, was this an accident?


He pondered what his life would be like in the future. He would likely be labeled a freak and shunned by the people he had known his whole life. The nurses already treated him strangely. They would come in to his room and ask him how he felt, then hey would *check his vitals and whatever else nurses did and move on quickly. He had seen nurses at work before and they never moved that quickly. John was disturbed by this but was partially relieved that they did the same with Chris. It was understandable given his explosive coughing fits and coarse demeanor, but still gave John a degree of comfort in the fact that he wasn't the only one.

After a while of pondering these things, John slipped once again into sleep.

little changes i saw at the end.

Again, no big deal but you may want to work on length, i would hate it if the Mods closed it for length.

Anyway, really liked the chapter, lot of rising action that seems fillerish until you look closer at it. Thanks for updating so often.

Keep up the great work!

Haymez
16th January 2012, 10:59 PM
Thanks for the input! I'm not sure why the asterisks keep showing up. I'll fix it.

This part is mainly rising action. The good stuff will start in chapter 4, which I will try really hard to make a lot longer. I'm not very good with length.

Haymez
1st February 2012, 4:36 AM
Well, chapter 4 is close to being finished. I haven't really had time to write recently. And it is much longer!! :)

493pkmns
9th February 2012, 1:55 AM
First off, I'd like to say that this sounds very interesting so far, that it is very promising and that you are indeed a good writer. The following are mostly nit-picks from the first chapter (except for the last one, that's a general point. I'm just using an example from chapter 1).


John wandered down the road as he always did when he had nothing to do. He walked past a few shops and stopped to look through the windows at the wares on display. Nothing caught his eye and he continued on down the road.

It was a warm summer day in mid-July. John was a tall, broad shouldered youth of about 16. He had dark, curly hair cut to a middling length and light blue eyes. He was one of the "popular" people at his school due to his amazing skill in Pokemon battles. He was also a very knowledgeable person but hid this from his peers so as not to be considered a "nerd". He was an electric type master and could pull off a win in almost any situation he was put in during battles with his classmates and even teachers. John was very good friends with his Pokemon and always made sure they were in top condition.

On this bright, sunny day in mid-July as John was walking down the road with nothing to do, another much more exciting event was taking place down the road in the city bank.

Seems like there is a bit of repetitive-ness here;)


He had dark, curly hair cut to a middling length

Where is the 'middling'? Do you mean the shoulders, the ears?


He was an electric type master and could pull off a win in almost any situation he was put in during battles with his classmates and even teachers. John was very good friends with his Pokemon and always made sure they were in top condition.


You say this but you never mention which pokemon he actually has, for all we know he has a Raikou, a Zapdos anda Zekrom. Do his pokemon like him back? When John's parents were there to visit, didn't his pokemon come to visit him too?


Seeing the pair of robbers running for a car, presumably their getaway vehicle. Seeing that he did... Oh! next sentence. He reacted without even thinking, almost on instinct.

He called out weakly, " Stop!" and took a step forward and outstretched his hand, wishing here was something he could do to stop the robbers.

Suddenly, he felt a strange tingling in his outstretched arm and a lightning bolt shot out of his hand, striking the man and his Pokemon. A shocked expression appeared on John's face and a large collective gasp was heard from the bystanders as the bolt struck the man and his Weavile, bringing them down.

Description could use a little bit more attention, this bit could have been really detailed and colorful. For example:

'John was stunned at first by their sudden appearance and took a second to come to his senses. He noticed the bag and the mask and figured out what must have happened. He now understood why he heard sirens but slight correction made here they were still far away.

Seeing that the large man and his Weavile were running for what was presumably their getaway car, John acted purely on instinct, he lifted his hand and weakly cried out: "Stop!" and took a step forward subconciously wishing there were something he could do to stop them. Suddenly he felt a very strange sensation in his extended arm and then electricity came out of his palm, arcing towards the robber and his partner, jolting them into unconciousness as the crowd gasped in shock.'

So, yeah. That's pretty much it, I hope you don't think that I'm just bashing this, I really think it's good and I would like to read more of it. I will make a review for the other chapters later... Oh yeah! Can I be on the PM list?

Haymez
9th February 2012, 3:07 AM
Thanks for the input. ill add you.

next chapter should be ready once i finally get around to finish it. i haven't had much time lately.

Haymez
9th February 2012, 4:18 AM
Well, that was faster than I had anticipated.

Here it is the much awaited (:/) next installment.

Chapter 4

John awoke to a strange noise. He had grown used to Chris' coughing but this was different. It was more like a muffled footstep, or the slight creak of a door. John opened his eyes in the dark but stayed very still. He assumed it was Chris making a trip to the bathroom but when he saw Chris lying in bed he began to get anxious. He scanned the room moving just his eyes. He could see nothing but Chris in his bed and the faint glow of street lights through the window.

After a few seconds John passed it off as nothing and had began to fall back asleep when he heard it again. It was definitely there. His heart began to beat faster as his imagination ran wild.

The sound repeated again. Yes, it was definitely a carpet muffled footstep, John decided. But who was it?

Ever so slowly he rolled over in bed so that he was lying on his back. As he looked toward the foot of the bed he saw the source of the sound.

A man was standing there. Just standing there. He made no move, and neither did John. In the dark all John could make out was an outline of the man and his eyes, which shone, almost glowed a very faint yet distinct red.

John and the strange man stared at each other for a moment longer, then the man began to reach out toward John. He scooted back in his bed as far as he could so that he was sitting up with his feet pulled into his body.

The man stopped. He dropped his outstretched arm back to his side and, turning, began to walk around the side of John's bed. His movements were slow, methodical, almost mechanical. He was now between John and Chris, who was, as far as John could tell, completely oblivious to the man's presence.

The man had gotten all the way around John's bed and was standing right next to John, who proceeded to hurriedly get out of his bed and stand on the other side facing the man.

"Who are you?" he asked the man.

The man made no reply. He simply began to raise his arm again.

John took a step back, he was standing with his back against the wall as the man pointed his hand at him.

The man's outstretched hand began to glow a faint red, the same as his eyes. John didn't know why, but as the man's hand grew brighter his legs began to feel weak. His legs grew so weak that they could no longer support him and he fell to the ground. At that same moment the man launched a small stream of fire that scorched the wall above John.

He screamed.

This seemed to finally be enough to awaken Chris, who leaped out of bed and slammed his elbow into the side of the man's head, causing him to fall to the side.

Chris leaped over the bed and pulled John to his feet. John had never seen him move that fast.

"Are you all right, son?" Chris said quickly.

"Yeah. . . Yeah, I'm fine. Who is that guy." John stammered.

"Bad news." Chris replied but offered no further explanation. "We need to leave now," he continued "they found us too quickly."

"What are you talking about?" John asked, but he received no answer. Chris grabbed his arm and pulled him around towards the window. The strange man was starting to get up and that spurred John's still shaky legs to move quicker.

Chris grabbed a chair and swung it at the window with all his might. The window shattered, showering them in pieces of glass. The man had stood up and was now moving towards them.

"Time to fly," he said and, tossing a pokeball out the window, proceeded to jump out, pulling John with him.

"Are you crazy?! We're on the fifth floor!" screamed John. Multiple fireballs shot out of the window above them.

Chris' Pokemon, a Pidgeot, swooped down and caught them on its back and flew off.

"Great job Pidgeot!" Chris yelled over the wind.

"Who was that guy? And where are we going?" John yelled.

"Styx!" Chris yelled back. "And we're going somewhere safe!"

"Wha. . . " John started, but Chris cut him off.

"No time for questions, he's still coming!" he yelled.

John turned and saw the man, rocketing toward them. He was propelled by a column of fire stretched out behind him.

In the light of the moon John could finally make out the man's features. He was fairly tall, strongly built, with ashen skin. He had a dark gray color to him and glowing red eyes. Seeing him in full color, or lack of it, made John fear him even more.

"What do we do!?" John asked.

"We keep going, we're nearly to a safe place." Chris responded. He glanced around and noticed some strange lights off away from them that we're moving quickly, keeping pace with him and John on their Pidgeot. The lights grew closer and Chris realized what they really were.

"Crap! We're in real trouble now boy!" Chris yelled.

John had seen them too. As the lights grew closer they began to take shape. They all had a similar form to them. It took John a minute to figure out exactly what they were, then he gasped. They were more of these strange ashen men, Styx as Chris had called them, five more had now joined the chase. John was surprised to discover that they were all mirror images of each other, differing only in the color of their eyes. One had bright blue eyes and flew on a jet of water spraying backwards. Another was red and supported on fire like the one they had already met.
The other three all had dark green glowing eyes, and appeared to be flying on leaves.

As the Styx closed in on Chris and John they began to launch attacks at their Pidgeot, who Chris guided masterfully to avoid them.

"Kid, you need to do something. I can't dodge their attacks forever!" Chris called out.

"What? How can I stop them? There's nothing I can do!" John yelled back.

"Shoot them down, John! Use the lightning!" Chris answered.

"I can't do that. I don't even know how I did it before!"

"Well, if you don't we're as good as dead."

"When you put it that way," John concentrated hard on calling forth lightning. He attempted to recreate the feelings he had had when he did it before. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't do it, nothing happened.

Meanwhile, the attacks had gone up in intensity. Chis was hard pressed to avoid them all. He did well, but eventually one managed to hit its mark. It was a glancing blow from the water Styx, but it was just enough to slow Pidgeot down for a fraction of a second, enough time for the other five Styx to find their target. Pidgeot fell from the sky, the Styx following.

As they began to fall, John looked around. The terror he saw on Chris' face, combined with the triumph he saw on those of the Styx, snapped something inside John. He stood up on the back of the falling bird and, summoning all the energy inside him, unleashed a powerful discharge of electricity, knocking the Styx away and out of view. John felt weak and passed out. There was no way for Chris to stop their fall, and they plummeted to the ground.
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When John awoke it was dark. He saw Chris sitting by a fire that he must have built while John was out. He sat up and looked around. They were in a densely wooded area. The trees loomed in from the sides of the small clearing they were in. In the dark John could not see the tree tops. Many sounds came from the darkness of the forest, most of which John could identify as Pokemon that live in forests.

Chris looked over from where he was sitting by the fire.

"Good, you're up," he said, "I was about to move you over here by the fire. It's getting kind of cold."

"Chris? What happened? I remember some strange men, and flying." John said putting a hand on his head.

"Come on over here by the fire and I'll fill in the details." Chris said.

John stood up shakily and stumble over to where Chris was sitting. Chris helped him steady himself as he sat down by the fire.

"Here, eat this." Chris said, handing John a cracker.

"Thanks, so what's the deal with those men, you, my strange ability, and pretty much everything else?" John said, taking the morsel.

Chris sighed.

"That's a very long story boy. You sure you want to hear it?"

"I've got all night." John replied.

"Ok, the story begins long ago," Chris began. "When the all powerful Arceus created this world and chose to put people and Pokemon on it, he knew that there would be a never ending stream of problems, famine, sickness, war, and many others. Not wanting to be the one responsible for solving all these problems, he chose certain humans to receive special powers."

"Like my lightning?" John interrupted.

"Yes, John. You are one of those chosen ones to receive the power." Chris said solemnly.

"Wow! That's amazing!" John said, shocked.

"Would you like me to continue?" Chris asked. When John nodded he proceeded.

"So Arceus chose certain humans who he knew possessed the right qualities, valor, courage, a level head, and most of all, compassion, to receive the power of a certain type. Just like the types Pokemon are categorized in."

"These people became the guardians of the people." Chris continued. "They strengthened the weak, and when necessary, brought down the strong."

"So they were like Robin Hood?" John asked.

"Yes and no. Robin Hood was indeed one of the Chosen, but he did not follow all our ideals." Chris explained.

"Wait, you mean he was a real person?" John said, bewildered.

Laughing, Chris said, "Where do you think his story came from? Many old stories and folk tales are based off the truth."

"Oh, but what did you mean he didn't follow the ideals?"

"He was too focused on helping the poor. The purpose of the Chosen is to help all people. Robin Hood hurt one group to help another. The Chosen are peacekeepers, not peacemakers, do you understand?"

"I think so." John said slowly. "They prevent conflict and when necessary, stop them, but don't force peace onto anyone."

"Exactly. That is what we are here for. To keep the peace." Chris replied.

"When you say "we" does that mean you're one of the Chosen too?" John asked.

"Yes. I am one of them. I was sent to that hospital right after we received word of your miraculous feat. I was to keep an eye on you, and if needed, protect you. Good thing I was there huh?" Chris explained.

"Ok, so I have two more questions." John said. "First, why did you never use you're power? If you're one of the Chosen, then you must have some power."

"Ah, you ask the painful questions. You noticed me coughing fits in the hospital? Well those were real. In a battle long ago with the Styx I received a wound to my lungs. This wound causes those fits and prevents me from using my powers. In fact I was a lightning thrower just like you." Chris said.

"That brings me to my other question. Who were those men, the Styx?" John asked.

"Another tough question. The Styx used to be members of the Chosen. That is why they have the powers. Long ago, a meteorite fell from space containing an alien life form. This alien is an embodiment of pure evil and only seeks to strengthen its power and influence. The alien latched onto one of the Chosen and, taking control of his body, created the Styx, a dark and twisted group bent on full control of the world. I'll tell you more about the Styx later. The wound I sustained fighting them implanted a bit of that darkness in me, suppressing my powers and slowly killing me from the inside." Chris explained.

"Wow. That is incredible." John said, amazed by what he had just heard.
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They sat up talking well into the night. John was full of questions and Chris answered to the best of his ability. Chris told tales of the Chosen and their roles in history. John was amazed that they had been present during many ancient conflicts and he had never heard of them before.

Later that night, Chris was in the middle of a tale when he suddenly stiffened and looked around.

"What is it?" asked John.

"Someone's nearby." Chris responded. He stood up and pulled out a pokeball, ready to fight whatever it was.

Although John had heard nothing he was on edge. In the short time he had known Chris he had grown to trust him.

A slight rustling came from the trees surrounding their little clearing. Chris and John spun to face the direction of the sound. Nothing stirred. They peered into the darkness for a few seconds and were beginning to calm down when a large, green shape leapt from the trees moving incredibly fast. It appeared to fly over their heads and landed behind them slightly crouched over.

The creature remained still for a few seconds. John and Chris didn't move. Finally the creature stood up straight. It was a Sceptile. It eyed the pair suspiciously for a moment then, throwing back it's head, released a ear splitting roar into the night.

The Sceptile lowered its head and watched John and Chris again. It was a tall, strong looking pokemon, colored completely green, with a large tail that resembled a pine tree.

"What is it doing here?" John asked Chris.

"Well, gathering from it's call, it has friends nearby." Chris answered. "It's likely it was searching for us and has alerted it's allies to our presence."

"Is that a good thing?" John asked.

"Well, it could be from HQ, but it is more likely a Styx agent." Chris replied. "We'll have to wait for its friends to show up before we know for sure. Be ready to move."

"Ok."

The Sceptile watched this exchange with mild interest, then looked up to the side suddenly. A person leapt out of the trees and walked over to the Pokemon.

"Good work Sceptile." he said. Then turned to Chris and John. "You must be the guys who got shot down. I'm James. HQ sent us to find you."

Superpower Emboar
9th February 2012, 4:34 AM
Nice chapter, i liked it, i felt it was striking a little clost to home for me, but then it evened out. Still i must admit, they got nothing on Felix's intro he fricken shot a guy! i really liked the idea of the meteorite and the other things, i see the banner is a sceptile, so that guy must be a main character. . . hmmmm. also, you may want to put the link inside th picture so they can just click on the picture rather than the link. VM me if you want to know how. keep up the great work!

Haymez
9th February 2012, 12:43 PM
Thanks! Yeah he kind of is the main character but John is very important to. I'll try to put a link in the picture.

フェージングのエコー
22nd March 2012, 2:04 PM
First off, I'd like to say that this sounds very interesting so far, that it is very promising and that you are indeed a good writer. The following are mostly nit-picks from the first chapter (except for the last one, that's a general point. I'm just using an example from chapter 1).



Seems like there is a bit of repetitive-ness here;)



Where is the 'middling'? Do you mean the shoulders, the ears?



You say this but you never mention which pokemon he actually has, for all we know he has a Raikou, a Zapdos anda Zekrom. Do his pokemon like him back? When John's parents were there to visit, didn't his pokemon come to visit him too?



Description could use a little bit more attention, this bit could have been really detailed and colorful. For example:

'John was stunned at first by their sudden appearance and took a second to come to his senses. He noticed the bag and the mask and figured out what must have happened. He now understood why he heard sirens but slight correction made here they were still far away.

Seeing that the large man and his Weavile were running for what was presumably their getaway car, John acted purely on instinct, he lifted his hand and weakly cried out: "Stop!" and took a step forward subconciously wishing there were something he could do to stop them. Suddenly he felt a very strange sensation in his extended arm and then electricity came out of his palm, arcing towards the robber and his partner, jolting them into unconciousness as the crowd gasped in shock.'

So, yeah. That's pretty much it, I hope you don't think that I'm just bashing this, I really think it's good and I would like to read more of it. I will make a review for the other chapters later... Oh yeah! Can I be on the PM list?

Yes, Why don't his pokemon come to se him in the hospital? If they really liked him, they would at least try to see him.

This is such a great story!!! I wish there were actual books at my school library like this-the books they do have are lame...
If you wouldn't mind, please ad me to your PM list.
I now hungrilly wait for the next installment...

Haymez
22nd March 2012, 2:12 PM
I'll add you, thanks for the input! I'm not sure when the next chapter will be done, I don't have too much time right now. We'll see.

フェージングのエコー
23rd March 2012, 1:20 AM
I'll add you, thanks for the input! I'm not sure when the next chapter will be done, I don't have too much time right now. We'll see.

Ok, thanks for adding me to the PM list!
I hope you will have more time on your hands, I know I do.

Shadow Lucario
23rd March 2012, 4:48 AM
Chapter 1


He was one of the "popular" people at his school due to his amazing skill in Pokemon battles.

Watch out. We're stepping into Stu territory now.



A slight man had emerged from the restroom unnoticed

What is a slight man?


Outside, John was just outside of the bank

Seems kinda redundant don't you think?


He now understood why he heard sirens, they were still far away.

Who was still far away? John or the sirens? You'll need to rewrite this sentence.


Seeing the pair of robbers running for a car, presumably their getaway vehicle. He reacted without even thinking, almost on instinct.

You can make these one sentence. The first part is a fragment as it stands.


John retained his position for a few seconds in complete shock

Heh. Shock.

Chapter 2

This,


Shaking her head the nurse turned to John and said
"So, you decided to finally wake up."

should be,


Shaking her head the nurse turned to John and said, "So, you decided to finally wake up?"


"How long have I been sleeping?" replied john.

Forgot to capitalize his name.


"About two days" the nurse said

Missing a comma before the end quotation.


the nurse said, "you came in about an hour before that poor soul over there."

Here is the corrected version:


the nurse said. "You came in about an hour before that poor soul over there."

You only use a comma when you're continuing the sentence from before describing how they speak.


"Hey mom. I'm doing fine, you don't need to cry." John said after his mother finished babbling.

The period after cry needs to be a comma. You use commas when you're describing how the spoke unless it is a question or an exclamation. This seems to be the wrong descriptor. She only said a few words.


"I guess I'm still a little weak but I feel fine." he said quickly to avoid another outburst by his mother.

See above for comma mistake. And this can go in the same paragraph as the last since the same person is speaking. You only need a separate paragraph for speech when it is a different person. Here's how you can put it in the last paragraph.


Seeing his mother on the verge of another outburst, he added, "I guess I'm still a little weak but I feel fine."


"Your son will be fine," said the nurse "he just needs rest that's all.

Correction will be below.


"Your son will be fine," said the nurse. "He just needs to rest.


"A few days?" his father said, astonished.

Well she said a couple...


"but your son needs to heal, I'm sure he can make up what he missed later. Now I'm going to have to ask you to leave now so your son can rest."

No comma after heal. It needs to be a period. They're two separate sentences.


"Sorry fer wakin' ya kid." the man said gruffly.

"It's ok." said John, not wanting to upset the man.

Both need commas before the end quotation.


"What's yer name, son?" the man asked. John told him

Kinda lazy, but I guess you didn't want him to say it since we know it?


"Yes, sir! I mean Chris, sorry." John stammered.

Needs a comma.


"Good, anyway, what are ya in here for, kid?" Chris asked.

He makes it sound like prison.


"Well, I'm not totally sure what happened," John said, "I was walking past a bank and a man and a Pokemon that had just robbed the bank ran out in front of me and went for a getaway car. I somehow shot lightning out of my hand and stopped them. Then I blacked out and woke up here." John explained.

First thing, no comma after said. I've explained why above. Secondly, rewrite this sentence. It sounds awkward. Third and finally, you don't have to put John explained at the end. We already know he is talking and can see he is explaining what had happened.


"Hmmmm, lightning huh? Well go back to sleep, you need your rest, kid." Chris said with a faraway look in his eyes, as if he was thinking about something. John complied as he was very tired. His last thought was that Chris seemed to know more than he let on. John then slipped into sleep.

Comma and semicolon; they help. The second comma needs to be a semicolon and the period after that needs to be a comma. I find it odd that John can instantly tell Chris knows more from one sentence.

Chapter 3


It was dark in the room, about two AM.

Since it's a time you can write it as 2:00 AM.


While recovering his family was only allowed a few short visits

You need a comma after recovering or it sounds like he is trying to get his family back, or recover them.


John wiled away the hours talking with Chris.

You've got the wrong word here. I think you want willed.


Can't stand these places , son.

You have a weirdly placed comma here and an oddly placed son as well. Rewrite.


"Mmm, I move around a lot." Chris replied somewhat evasively.

Comma needed. Not a period.


"Well, I'm not sure how to explain it." John said,

Switch the comma and the period.


"I felt a kind of tingling feeling like when your foot falls asleep, but less painful, does that make sense?"

Period before the bold, not a comma. These are two sentences.


"Hmmm" Chris said

In need of a comma.


"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

Comma and period need to exchange.


"That's very interesting." Chris said

Needs a comma.


"Who are you?" he asked the man.

THE HASH SLINGING SLASHER!!!!! Seriously, John is weirdly calm about all this.


This seemed to finally be enough to awaken Chris, who leaped out of bed and slammed his elbow into the side of the man's head, causing him to fall to the side.

Um, wasn't he just asleep? So John screams, Chris wakes up, springs out of bed and downs the intruder?


Chris leaped over the bed and pulled John to his feet. John had never seen him move that fast.

Isn't he old???


"Bad news." Chris replied but offered no further explanation. "We need to leave now," he continued "they found us too quickly."

That's further explanation...Correction below.


"Bad news," Chris replied but offered no further explanation. "We need to leave now. They found us too quickly."


"Styx!" Chris yelled back.

The band did it?!


"No time for questions, he's still coming!"

No...no...I'll contain myself.


"We keep going, we're nearly to a safe place." Chris responded.

Those are two sentences and it needs a comma. So switch them.


They all had a similar form to them. It took John a minute to figure out exactly what they were, then he gasped. They were more of these strange ashen men, Styx as Chris had called them, five more had now joined the chase.

This needs to be rewritten. It reads awkwardly and I'm sure this could be a paragraph on its own.


"When you put it that way," John concentrated hard on calling forth lightning.

No comma. Period.


No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't do it, nothing happened.

There you go.


"Good, you're up," he said,

No comma after said.


"Chris? What happened? I remember some strange men, and flying." John said putting a hand on his head.

Comma after flying. I'm just going to go through and quote everything that needs a comma at the end quotation.


"Come on over here by the fire and I'll fill in the details." Chris said.

"Here, eat this." Chris said, handing John a cracker.

"I've got all night." John replied.

"Yes, John. You are one of those chosen ones to receive the power." Chris said solemnly.

"These people became the guardians of the people." Chris continued.

"Yes and no. Robin Hood was indeed one of the Chosen, but he did not follow all our ideals." Chris explained.

"I think so." John said slowly.

"Exactly. That is what we are here for. To keep the peace." Chris replied.

"Ok, so I have two more questions." John said.

"Ah, you ask the painful questions. You noticed me coughing fits in the hospital? Well those were real. In a battle long ago with the Styx I received a wound to my lungs. This wound causes those fits and prevents me from using my powers. In fact I was a lightning thrower just like you." Chris said.

This one can actually be split up.


"Another tough question. The Styx used to be members of the Chosen. That is why they have the powers. Long ago, a meteorite fell from space containing an alien life form. This alien is an embodiment of pure evil and only seeks to strengthen its power and influence. The alien latched onto one of the Chosen and, taking control of his body, created the Styx, a dark and twisted group bent on full control of the world. I'll tell you more about the Styx later. The wound I sustained fighting them implanted a bit of that darkness in me, suppressing my powers and slowly killing me from the inside." Chris explained.

Same as the one above.


"Wow. That is incredible." John said, amazed by what he had just heard.

"Someone's nearby." Chris responded.

"Well, gathering from it's call, it has friends nearby." Chris answered.

"Well, it could be from HQ, but it is more likely a Styx agent." Chris replied.

"Good work Sceptile." he said.

Now to go back and get everything else.


"Thanks, so what's the deal with those men, you, my strange ability, and pretty much everything else?" John said, taking the morsel.

This is two sentences compacted into one. It needs to be rewritten. He asked this as it is a question and not a statement.


"That's a very long story boy. You sure you want to hear it?"

Needs to be changed to it's.


"When the all powerful Arceus created this world and chose to put people and Pokemon on it,

Arceus didn't create humans.


"So Arceus chose certain humans who he knew possessed the right qualities, valor, courage, a level head, and most of all, compassion, to receive the power of a certain type. Just like the types Pokemon are categorized in."

How does Arceus know this? It's not all knowing. Also there needs to be a colon after qualities and not a comma. The last sentence is unneeded. You would be better off omitting it. I would rewrite it altogether.


"Would you like me to continue?" Chris asked. When John nodded he proceeded.

"So Arceus chose certain humans who he knew possessed the right qualities, valor, courage, a level head, and most of all, compassion, to receive the power of a certain type. Just like the types Pokemon are categorized in."

"These people became the guardians of the people." Chris continued. "They strengthened the weak, and when necessary, brought down the strong."

This can be in the same paragraph. There's no need to separate it. There is also no need to keep saying Chris said it. We know he said it.


"Yes. I am one of them. I was sent to that hospital right after we received word of your miraculous feat.

It's not very miraculous if a lot of people can do it and have done it. Also how did they receive word so fast? Chris was in the hospital only an hour after John. Do they just watch everyone, waiting to see some form of power?


You noticed me coughing fits in the hospital?

Is he Irish or a pirate now?


Well those were real.

No I'm sure John imagined them. It's just a figment of his imagination.


In fact I was a lightning thrower just like you.

What a convenient coincidence.


"Another tough question. The Styx used to be members of the Chosen. That is why they have the powers. Long ago, a meteorite fell from space containing an alien life form. This alien is an embodiment of pure evil and only seeks to strengthen its power and influence. The alien latched onto one of the Chosen and, taking control of his body, created the Styx, a dark and twisted group bent on full control of the world.

These don't agree. You say the Styx was part of the chosen, but later say that an alien latched onto ONE of the chosen and then created the Styx.


"Wow. That is incredible." John said, amazed by what he had just heard.

And he's not scared or anything? Just thinks the story is incredible? Kind of odd since his LIFE is at risk.


Later that night, Chris was in the middle of a tale when he suddenly stiffened and looked around.

So he can tell him stories, but not about the Styx?


released a ear splitting roar into the night.

An.


colored completely green

Yeah, even the yellow bulbs on its back.


"You must be the guys who got shot down. I'm James. HQ sent us to find you."

So they can see them being attacked and they do nothing to help them? Instead they wait for them to be knocked out of the air, which I'm surprised no one sustained any injuries, and then send a search party. Seems kinda iffy to me. Now THAT was a long review. As you can see I corrected all the grammar errors I could find as well as made some suggestions on how to fix the bad ones. You essentially slapped most of the plot on us before we even reach the fifth chapter. While it seems to be original at first it boils down to gotta save the world from team baddies before they take over. If you want it to stand out there has to be more to it than that. I'm not into the characters so far. John seems like your usual Stu. No faults, just perfect. Chris is meh at best. He may be injured, he may be old, but he can take out people with quick precision and leap over beds. A good chunk of this story needs to rewritten because of awkward sentences and the like. I'd review characters, story, and structure before continuing. If you don't like that your story isn't getting many reviews then place it in the review exchange thread. Someone will pick it up from there.

Shadow Lucario is out.

Haymez
23rd March 2012, 5:05 AM
Wow, that's a lot.

I agree with a lot of these things but some of those changes I don't think I will make just because I don't feel they need to be changed.

Thanks for the input though, and while this is the main idea of the plot, there is much more I plan to do with it. The purpose was to provide the reader with background information on the state of things. I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve ;).

フェージングのエコー
27th April 2012, 2:02 PM
I hope you post more soon, I'm dying to read more!

You are better than some of the employed authors!

Haymez
27th April 2012, 5:09 PM
Thanks!

It may be a while before I post more though. I don't have much time right now. Ill be sure to continue in a few weeks when school, etc gets done.