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The Imposter
14th January 2012, 12:37 AM
Well, it's been quite awhile since I last wrote a fanfic, so don't expect anything awesome yet. Currently PG (for mild violence and minor swears), but expect the rating to change as the story progresses.

leafstormfire


Chapter 1: The Trapinch Trap


Phil woke up falling.

He couldn’t precisely gauge how fast he was falling, but he knew he was falling. Anyone would, unless they were unconscious or in some other way incapable of sensing their surroundings. Phil was not one of these people, and he felt an unbearable sense of fear from it. That may be in part because he had absolutely no recollection of where he was or what happened last night, but he knew he was falling.

In fact, he had absolutely no recollection of anything up until now, except his name and his species. His name was Phil, as you may have guessed, and his species was a human. At least, he thought it was.

He positioned himself in such a way that he saw his arms and legs, and wondered why exactly they were blue of all colors. From his mouth down to his legs, there was a large red spot, and he had an absurdly large mouth. Let me get this straight. I have no memories, and I appear to be a Gible. Oh, and it seems I’m within one hundred feet of the ground. Oh joy, Phil thought.

‘The ground’ happened to be a beach, where a small Pokemon similar in appearance to a hoodlum with baggy skin around its legs roamed about. “Well, the view is as magnificent as ever. I’m glad I decided to walk here. Though, the Tra- oh my Arceus, why is there a Gible falling from the sky?!” the Scraggy said. He hastily softened up the sand where Phil would end up falling with a Sand-Attack, and Phil landed relatively unscathed.

“Ugh,” Phil grunted as he crawled out of the crater his fall created. “Where am I?”

“You must be new to here,” the Scraggy replied. “Most everyone who lives here knows that this beach is Trapinch Beach.”

“OF COURSE I’M NEW!” Phil screamed. “I’m a human in this mysterious Land of the Talking Scraggies!”

“Wait,” the Scraggy said, stopping Phil’s rant. “You said you were a. . . human?”

“Of course I am,” Phil replied, miraculously having calmed down that quickly. “Some higher power that either has a twisted sense of humor or a few too many shots decided to change my physical appearance into a Gible!”

“Somehow I don’t believe that Arceus got drunk and turned you into a Gible, but I bet it’s less strange then the truth,” the Shedding Pokemon said. “As for how you can understand me, all Pokemon can communicate easily with each other.”

“What is your name, exactly?” Phil asked. “Also, why is this called Trapinch Beach? I don’t see any Trapinch here.”

“My name’s Scrags. And you are?” Scrags asked.

“Phil,” Phil replied. “And you didn’t answer my second question.” As if on cue, roughly twenty Trapinch promptly jumped out of the sand, bit down on the limbs of Phil and Scrags, and began carrying them away to who knows where.

“Does that answer your question?” Scrags asked, flailing his arms in a futile attempt at escape.

“Yeah.” Phil performed something similar, as an idea began to formulate in his head. Testing it, he made a small plume of sand roughly ten feet away.

Alright, that proves I can use Sand-Attack, Phil thought. He grinned. “Scrags, I’ve got this. On three, use Sand-Attack to blast the Trapinch!”

“Okay, if you say so,” Scrags grumbled. The scowl turned into a smile as he too then understood the Land Shark Pokemon’s plan.

“One. . . two. . .” Phil counted.

“Three!” they shouted in unison, as their Sand-Attacks combined into a torrent of sand that caused the orange antlions to release their grip. Stunned with shock, the Trapinch were blatant targets for Phil and Scrags’ Tackle and Headbutt attacks, respectively.

“Smart,” Scrags replied, as he Headbutted one of the Trapinch into another, knocking both of them out. The Trapinch left standing, however, shook off the surprise and coordinated their strikes to corner the duo. They combined Sand-Attacks countless times to disperse the oncoming army, but the Trapinch were relentless, bearing down on Phil and Scrags like this had been rehearsed countless times.

Scrags groaned. “They just keep coming! How are we supposed to get out of this ali- what the hell?” Phil launched a crushing blast of mud into one of the Trapinch, knocking it out instantly. He then proceeded to Mud Shot another one, which met a similar fate. “Thank you, AIML,” Scrags mumbled.

The two fought like brothers, blasting their way through Trapinch after Trapinch. Any attempts at Biting were met by a mouthful of Mud Shot, while attempts to get in close were met by Tackles and Headbutts. Finally, the Trapinch were dispersed.

Phil panted. “Why did those Trapinch attack, anyway? We did nothing wrong, I thought.”

“We didn’t,” Scrags replied. “Their mistress, Flygon, pretty much hates any other Pokemon she sees, and the commands her armies of Trapinch to capture her enemies, A.K.A. everyone else. We were lucky to escape her wrath.”

“Doesn’t sound like a pleasant Pokemon,” Phil said. “Anyway, I heard you mutter something about AIML. What’s that?”

“AIML is an acronym for Adrenaline-Induced Move Learning, where in dire situations adrenaline speeds up the move learning, causing a new move to be learned. That was how you learned Mud Shot earlier.”

“Sounds like a real deus ex machina,” Phil commented.

“It is.” Scrags motioned to a path leading uphill that Phil hadn’t noticed before. “Come on, let’s head back to town.


End Chapter 1.


Expect Chapter 2 in a couple of days!

Chibi_Muffin
14th January 2012, 9:37 AM
Okay, time for an actual review!

First, the stuff I liked. Your grammar is good, so don't worry about that. The opening, with its description of falling and 'he was a human, or at least, he thought he was' was spectacular. Phil has a clear personality, as in he's smart but snarky. Like that very much. I liked the creative use of Sand Attack and how it worked, rather than just straight copying the games. I'd recommend you use more of that. Your explanations are detailed and understandable, rather than being confusing, and fit in well.

A few small points that need to be fixed. Scrags doesn't have much of a personality going for him right now, so you might want to work on him a bit. I personally felt that Phil realised he was a Gible way too soon, rather than trying to work it out for a bit longer. Also, while the idea of AIML sounds good, I felt like you crammed it in a bit at the end, and so it was unnecessary. You could have altered the end of this chapter and introduced the idea in a slightly later chapter with perhaps a mire urgent emergency. Right now, it feels like this whole chapter is information overload.

All in all, a decent fanfic which just needs a few tweaks. Good luck in writing it!

The Imposter
14th January 2012, 1:27 PM
Okay, time for an actual review!

First, the stuff I liked. Your grammar is good, so don't worry about that. The opening, with its description of falling and 'he was a human, or at least, he thought he was' was spectacular. Phil has a clear personality, as in he's smart but snarky. Like that very much. I liked the creative use of Sand Attack and how it worked, rather than just straight copying the games. I'd recommend you use more of that. Your explanations are detailed and understandable, rather than being confusing, and fit in well.

A few small points that need to be fixed. Scrags doesn't have much of a personality going for him right now, so you might want to work on him a bit. I personally felt that Phil realised he was a Gible way too soon, rather than trying to work it out for a bit longer. Also, while the idea of AIML sounds good, I felt like you crammed it in a bit at the end, and so it was unnecessary. You could have altered the end of this chapter and introduced the idea in a slightly later chapter with perhaps a mire urgent emergency. Right now, it feels like this whole chapter is information overload.

All in all, a decent fanfic which just needs a few tweaks. Good luck in writing it!

Thanks, I tried to take a few creative liberties in this fic with how attacks work.

I noticed that Scrags was rather bland in this chapter, so I will be working on him in future chapters. The reason Phil figured out he was a Gible very quickly was merely a guess at first, but considering he heard Scrags's cry about a Gible falling from the sky made it pretty much certain. As for AIML, I must admit I was trying to get it out of the way quickly. The chapter was also intended to be longer, but I figured that that was a better place to end it.

Thanks for the compliments and the criticism, and do expect a chapter today or tomorrow, readers.

leafstormfire
14th January 2012, 7:22 PM
Alrighty:

Your fic is pretty much following the PMD story, but I like that you're changing things around. Hopefully you can twist around a couple things in each chapter, and by the big battle/fight, it'll be a different plot than the usual.

I thought that the Trapinch-attack was a little abrupt (or I was reading too fast) but maybe that's just me. The first chapter is pretty good overall, and I'll be back tomorrow if you'll put me on the PM list. ;)

The Imposter
14th January 2012, 7:38 PM
Alrighty:

Your fic is pretty much following the PMD story, but I like that you're changing things around. Hopefully you can twist around a couple things in each chapter, and by the big battle/fight, it'll be a different plot than the usual.

I thought that the Trapinch-attack was a little abrupt (or I was reading too fast) but maybe that's just me. The first chapter is pretty good overall, and I'll be back tomorrow if you'll put me on the PM list. ;)

The plot will be much more different than that of the current PMD installments, I can guarantee that.

The attack was supposed to be rather abrupt, often times in this series action scenes will come when they're least expected. Thanks, and I will put you on the PM list.

Wyrm
14th January 2012, 9:10 PM
Hi there, MoI. I see you're reloaded on the fan fiction scene. ;P


Chapter 1: The Trapinch Trap


Phil woke up falling.

He couldn’t precisely gauge how fast he was falling, but he knew he was falling. Anyone would, unless they were unconscious or in some other way incapable of sensing their surroundings. Phil was not one of these people, and he felt an unbearable sense of fear from it. That may be in part because he had absolutely no recollection of where he was or what happened last night, but he knew he was falling.

In fact, he had absolutely no recollection of anything up until now, except his name and his species. His name was Phil, as you may have guessed, and his species was a human. At least, he thought it was.

He positioned himself in such a way that he saw his arms and legs, and wondered why exactly they were blue of all colors. From his mouth down to his legs, there was a large red spot, and he had an absurdly large mouth. Let me get this straight. I have no memories, and I appear to be a Gible. Oh, and it seems I’m within one hundred feet of the ground. Oh joy, Phil thought.

‘The ground’ happened to be a beach, where a small Pokemon similar in appearance to a hoodlum with baggy skin around its legs roamed about. “Well, the view is as magnificent as ever. I’m glad I decided to walk here. Though, the Tra- oh my Arceus, why is there a Gible falling from the sky?!” the Scraggy said. He hastily softened up the sand where Phil would end up falling with a Sand-Attack, and Phil landed relatively unscathed.

“Ugh,” Phil grunted as he crawled out of the crater his fall created. “Where am I?”

“You must be new here,” the Scraggy replied. “Most everyone who lives here knows that this beach is Trapinch Beach.”

“OF COURSE I’M NEW!” Phil screamed. “I’m a human in this mysterious Land of the Talking Scraggies!”

“Wait,” the Scraggy said, stopping Phil’s rant. “You said you were a. . . human?”

“Of course I am,” Phil replied, miraculously having calmed down that quickly. “Some higher power that either has a twisted sense of humor or a few too many shots decided to change my physical appearance into a Gible!”

“Somehow I don’t believe that Arceus got drunk and turned you into a Gible, but I bet it’s less strange then the truth,” the Shedding Pokemon said. “As for how you can understand me, all Pokemon can communicate easily with each other.”

“What is your name, exactly?” Phil asked. “Also, why is this called Trapinch Beach? I don’t see any Trapinch here.”

“My name’s Scrags. And you are?” Scrags asked.

“Phil,” Phil replied. “And you didn’t answer my second question.” As if on cue, roughly twenty Trapinch promptly jumped out of the sand, bit down on the limbs of Phil and Scrags, and began carrying them away to who knows where.

“Does that answer your question?” Scrags asked, flailing his arms in a futile attempt at escape.

“Yeah.” Phil performed something similar, as an idea began to formulate in his head. Testing it, he made a small plume of sand roughly ten feet away.

Alright, that proves I can use Sand-Attack, Phil thought. He grinned. “Scrags, I’ve got this. On three, use Sand-Attack to blast the Trapinch!”

“Okay, if you say so,” Scrags grumbled. The scowl turned into a smile as he too then understood the Land Shark Pokemon’s plan.

“One. . . two. . .” Phil counted.

“Three!” they shouted in unison, as their Sand-Attacks combined into a torrent of sand that caused the orange antlions to release their grip. Stunned with shock, the Trapinch were blatant targets for Phil and Scrags’ Tackle and Headbutt attacks, respectively.

“Smart,” Scrags replied as he Headbutted one of the Trapinch into another, knocking both of them out. The Trapinch left standing, however, shook off the surprise and coordinated their strikes to corner the duo. They combined Sand-Attacks countless times to disperse the oncoming army, but the Trapinch were relentless, bearing down on Phil and Scrags like this had been rehearsed countless times.

Scrags groaned. “They just keep coming! How are we supposed to get out of this ali- what the hell?” Phil launched a crushing blast of mud into one of the Trapinch, knocking it out instantly. He then proceeded to Mud Shot another one, which met a similar fate.

“Thank you, AIML,” Scrags mumbled.

The two fought like brothers, blasting their way through Trapinch after Trapinch. Any attempts at Biting were met by a mouthful of Mud Shot, while attempts to get in close were met by Tackles and Headbutts. Finally, the Trapinch were dispersed.

Phil panted. “Why did those Trapinch attack, anyway? We did nothing wrong, I thought.”

“We didn’t,” Scrags replied. “Their mistress, Flygon, pretty much hates any other Pokemon she sees, and the commands her armies of Trapinch to capture her enemies, A.K.A. everyone else. We were lucky to escape her wrath.”

“Doesn’t sound like a pleasant Pokemon,” Phil said. “Anyway, I heard you mutter something about AIML. What’s that?”

“AIML is an acronym for Adrenaline-Induced Move Learning, where in dire situations adrenaline speeds up the move learning, causing a new move to be learned. That was how you learned Mud Shot earlier.”

“Sounds like a real deus ex machina,” Phil commented.

“It is.” Scrags motioned to a path leading uphill that Phil hadn't noticed before. “Come on, let’s head back to town."

Corrections in bold.

A PMD fic with a Gible falling from the sky into a different place with evil Trapinch? Wow, that's not something you see every day.

Anyways, as mentioned earlier, the Trapinch attack and ending was rushed. Sometime, if you greatly seek perfection, you might want to redo the scene to not make it look as crammed in. Good scenes require more description of what's going on and the background area.

Though Scrags is lacking personality, I trust that you can make him show his true colors in the future. However, in future fics, you'll want to present personalities as soon as possible. Otherwise, readers can be left in the dark and might abandon you. As the almighty Griff said, you can't have a great fic without interesting characters.

Those were some creative attacks that make for excellent praise fodder. Hm... *takes notes*

But as a whole, this was rather decent. Heed words you should heed, use the advice for later chapters, and voila. Keep up the good work.

ZoruaBoo
15th January 2012, 1:08 PM
Nice chapter! Okay, here's what I think:



Phil woke up falling.

He couldn’t precisely gauge how fast he was falling, but he knew he was falling. Anyone would, unless they were unconscious or in some other way incapable of sensing their surroundings. Phil was not one of these people, and he felt an unbearable sense of fear from it. That may be in part because he had absolutely no recollection of where he was or what happened last night, but he knew he was falling.

I love this bit, a great start into the story, nice how you manage to start and end the paragraph with the 'falling' sensation. Maybe just add what Phil was doing, you said he was scared, maybe also mention that his heart was pounding in his chest or his mouth hung open in a silent scream? Adding some kind of physical reaction would make this a perfect start to the story.



“Well, the view is as magnificent as ever. I’m glad I decided to walk here. Though, the Tra- oh my Arceus, why is there a Gible falling from the sky?!” the Scraggy said.

Nice how you cut the sentence off halfway through, although I think putting the 'oh my Arceus' in caps would be better, it will make the Scraggy sound more shocked and scared.



“Ugh,” Phil grunted as he crawled out of the crater his fall created. “Where am I?”

“You must be new to here,” the Scraggy replied. “Most everyone who lives here knows that this beach is Trapinch Beach.”

“OF COURSE I’M NEW!” Phil screamed. “I’m a human in this mysterious Land of the Talking Scraggies!”

This is a great piece of conversation, the last part made me chuckle, although I think the Scraggy line needs to start off with: "Why on Earth were you falling from the sky?!" Or something similar. After seeing a Gible fall a hundred feet and land next to you on a beach, you'd be quite shocked and confused.



“Somehow I don’t believe that Arceus got drunk and turned you into a Gible, but I bet it’s less strange then the truth,” the Shedding Pokemon said.

Love this line.



“Does that answer your question?” Scrags asked, flailing his arms in a futile attempt at escape.

I think you need to add some emotion into Scrags' voice, maybe some thing like: '"....." Panicked Scrags, flailing.....'



Scrags groaned. “They just keep coming! How are we supposed to get out of this ali- what the hell?”

As with the 'oh my Arceus', I think 'what the hell?' needs to be in caps to really make Scrags sound surprised/shocked.



I actually think that the AIML was well written, it didn't seem too out of place in the story. Anywho, great chapter, really looking forward to the rest of the story. Can I please be on the PM list?


Just to say: Make sure Scrags gets a better personality in the next chapter, he seems a bit plain in this one.

The Imposter
15th January 2012, 1:52 PM
Thanks for the advice, as said before I'm a new writer and my descriptions suck eggs.

Yes, you can be on the PM list.

Unfortunately, the next chapter will be a little delayed. MS Word crashed before I could save what I had typed up, and as such I have to rewrite the chapter again.

ZoruaBoo
15th January 2012, 2:51 PM
Thanks for the advice, as said before I'm a new writer and my descriptions suck eggs.

Yes, you can be on the PM list.

Unfortunately, the next chapter will be a little delayed. MS Word crashed before I could save what I had typed up, and as such I have to rewrite the chapter again.


Welcomes, and you're not that bad! I thought your descriptions were great, you have a nice writing style that sounds relaxed and at ease, a really nice read. You just need to develop Scrags a bit more, make him have several habits, or a catchphrase he always says in a awkward moments. If your stuck, just follow three rules:

1) How a character says something.
2) How they feel about something.
3) How they react about something.

Those three things can completely change how a character says something, adding more feeling and giving them more personality. E.g.

"So you're a human?" Scrags said.

Can be turned into: ( 1 2 3 key for rules)

"So you're a human?" Scrags scoffed, he raised an eyebrow, not believing a word.


Thanks for putting me on the PM list, hope this helped!