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ThePhoenixarisen9
15th January 2012, 10:07 PM
Welcome everybody, to my first-ever fanfic!

The Rise of the Phoenix

This fanfic ties in with the other NCTH fanfics. This fanfic’s time period is before the time periods of the other fics. If some information in this fic is not chronologically correct, I apologize, and please let me know. I will try to fix it as best I can.

Chapter 1- Introductions

It was a quiet evening in Snowpoint City. Footsteps could be heard crunching snow, heading in the direction of Snowpoint Temple. The doors were opened, and somebody walked inside.

“Oh, dear. Is it just me, or did it get colder out there than before? What’s odd is that this usually doesn’t happen…” muttered Phoenix.

The 15-year old boy shook his hair. He buttoned his black vest and shook snow off his jeans. His red eyes shone faintly in the cold temple.

The temple was a magnificent architectural feat. The stone columns were hand-crafted, and the statues were gorgeous to look at. Phoenix looked around, taking in every little detail. He noticed something. Seeing as how visibility was almost zero because of the snow and darkness, he needed the help of a Pokemon.

“Magnezone! Go!”

Out the pokeball came a silver and grey Magnezone. As it came out, a little sparkle flew around.

“Magnezone, use Flash!” commanded Phoenix.

With a spectacular burst of light, Magnezone illuminated the area.

All of a sudden, Phoenix heard a scratching sound behind one of the statues in the back of the room. He thought about it for a moment, and then quickly remembered.

“Sneasel, stop that.” said Phoenix.

“Snee?”

He walked up to the Sneasel and put his hand on her forehead. He shut his eyes and concentrated.

“Sneasel, what’s wrong?” asked Phoenix.

“I don’t like this place! There are trainers who come in here, thinking I’m a wild Pokemon, when I’m not! They always try and catch me, and make their pokemon attack me! It’s not right!” whined Sneasel.

“I understand. I know what it’s like.” Reminisced Phoenix.

He took a moment to think about his past. In many ways, him and Sneasel were alike. They had both been through a traumatic time in their past. A traumatic time… near home…

A home…

A light bulb flashed over his head. It became clear to him. He had an idea.

“Sneasel, how would you like to stay home with my parents?” asked Phoenix.

“Really? Umm… I’m not sure…” She responded.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. My parents will take good care of you, Sneasel.” Said Phoenix.

“Ohhh… You better be right about this!”

With that decided, Phoenix took the Sneasel in his arms and headed outside.

“Good job, Magnezone.” Said Phoenix. “Return.”

With that, the Magnet Area Pokemon went back into the pokeball as a red flash. Afterwards, Phoenix grabbed another Pokeball from his belt. He threw it into the air.

“Go, Dragonite!” He shouted.

An amazing flash of light beamed across all sides. The massive dragon came down with a thud. He roared with pride.

“DRAGOOOOO!!!!” The dragon bellowed.

“Dragonite, we need your help.” Said Phoenix. “ We were wondering if you could fly us someplace.”

“Sure, boss!” It replied. “Where do you need to go?”

“To Sunyshore City.”

“Sunyshore? Wow… We haven’t been there in a long time… but it’s no big deal. Of course I’ll take you there!”

“Thanks, Dragonite.”

The Pokemon Trainer hopped on to his mighty dragon steed. The little Sneasel, however, was still down on the ground, shaking. Phoenix hopped down and walked to Sneasel.

“What’s wrong now?” asked Phoenix.

“I’m… I’m afraid of flying…” The Pokemon replied.

Phoenix detected the fear in Sneasel’s words.

“Everything is going to be alright. Once this is over, we’ll be at your new home, ok?”

The young Sneasel cried a little before making up her mind. "Ok…”

The Sneasel hopped on to Phoenix’s back. Phoenix got back on Dragonite. As soon as Phoenix was on, Dragonite flapped its mighty wings and took of. They passed icy-cold clouds before finally making it to flying altitude. Dragonite flew the cold air so fast, it seemed as if it was nonexistent. After flying for a few hours, they saw a brightly lit city in the distance.

“We’re almost there,” said Phoenix.

“It’s kind of hard to miss…” replied Dragonite.

“Can you take us down?”

“Sure thing.”

The Dragonite flew in the direction of the city lights. Within seconds, the trio was at Sunyshore City.

“Thanks, Dragonite.” Said Phoenix,

“No problem.”

Phoenix called Dragonite back into his pokeball. He walked for a bit, Sneasel following close behind. At last, they were at their destination: Phoenix’s house.

“Here it is.” He said.

He opened the door and walked in.

“Oh, my! If it isn’t Phoenix!” said his mom. "I haven't seen you in ages!"

"It's nice to see you again, mom," he replied.

In the corner of his eye, was that... a tear?

“Phoenix, my boy! Well, it's been 4 years! It's nice to see one of my sons again after you became a trainer! How’s it going?” asked his dad.

“Everything’s fine.” He replied.

“Why did you stop by this late? It's almost 12:00,” asked his mom.

“I had a favor I needed to ask of you. I wanted to know if you could take this Sneasel in.”

The Sneasel jumped off of Phoenix’s back and landed on the floor. She walked over to Phoenix’s mom and looked up at her.

“Why, aren’t you the most adorable little thing!” Phoenix’s mom said. She walked over to the Sneasel and gave it some Pokemon food. Immediately, it jumped and ate the food. “Of course we’ll take her in.”

“Eh, why not? It might actually wind up helping us. Besides, we always wanted a Pokemon for our family, and now that you brought us one, how can we refuse? Welcome to the family, Sneasel!” Phoenix’s dad replied.

Sneasel jumped up in excitement. A new home had been found for her.

“Phoenix, why don’t you stay the night? It is pretty late, after all.” His mother asked.

“I might as well.” He answered.

Phoenix went up to his old room. Even after 4 years, his bed was still as comfortable as ever. He laid down and, without even noticing, fell asleep. When he woke the next morning, he went down the stairs, and to the table. He saw Sneasel sleeping comfortably on the couch. He pulled out a chair and sat down with the rest of his family. He took his breakfast of eggs, bacon, and sausage and devoured it.

"Well, isn't it nice to see us as a family again," his mother said.

"Sure is," his dad replied.

As soon as Phoenix finished, he went back up to his room, got his stuff, and prepared to leave.

“Phoenix? One more thing.” His mother said.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Where is Zephyr?”

“I’m trying to find him myself. He said something about going to Hoenn for a tournament, but he never came back.”

“What? He's gone? That boy... always so reckless... Gasp! No… Please, Phoenix! Find your brother, please!”

“That’s what I plan to do.”

And with that, he set off to Hoenn.

Glover
15th January 2012, 10:32 PM
*Crakcs fingers* Alright, you asked for it...


(Phoenix is a 15-year old boy. He has spiky black hair and red eyes, and wears jeans and a black vest. He usually doesn’t talk much, but will respond when necessary. He was born in Sinnoh, and has traveled to regions like Fiore, Orre, and Kanto.

Anyways…) Parenthesis in narration are not required, and in some cases could be considered distracting. Minor note. Not that the narration itself is bad, just that it doesn't need the parentheseseseses


Out the pokeball came a silver and grey Magnezone. As it came out, a little sparkle flew around, and then stopped.

Ooh! Shiny!


With a spectacular burst of light, Magnezone illuminated the area and kept it illuminated. Watch out for repetition of words like this, and in general, I think that by mentioning flash and that he lit the room up, we the reader already know he's continuing to light the chamber.


“I don’t like this place! There are trainers who come in here, thinking I’m a wild Pokemon, when I’m not! It’s not right!” whined Sneasel. reader preference, but I prefer to see PKMN speak marked differently from normal dialogue, unless the Pokemon is actually speaking English, like Meowth in the cartoon.


“Everything is going to be alright. Once this is over, we’ll be at your new home, ok?”

“*Sniffle*… Ok…” To me, this rectified too quickly from fear of flying to we're on a Dragonite. I would suspect that there would be extremely sharp claws pressing into Pheonix's back from anxiety. It also leaves open the question of "Why isn't Sneasel in, well, a Pokeball?


As soon as Phoenix was on, Dragonite flapped its mighty wings and took of. They passed icy-cold clouds before finally making it to flying altitude. Dragonite flew the cold air so fast, it seemed as if it was nonexistent. After flying for about 15 minutes, they saw a brightly lit city in the distance.

Realizing scope of the regions will vary from fic to fic, but for Dragonite to make it to Sunnyshore that quickly would require Pheonix to be wearing a saftey harness and a bubble cockpit, as that's literally one end of the region to the other.


“Phoenix, why don’t you stay the night? It is pretty late, after all.” His mother asked.

“I might as well.” He answered.

After staying the night, Phoenix ate breakfast (nothing better than home cooking!), and prepared to leave.

“Phoenix? One more thing.” His mother said.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Where is Zephyr?”

“I’m trying to find him myself. He said something about going to Hoenn for a tournament, but he never came back.”

“What? No… Please, Phoenix! Find your brother, please!”

“That’s what I plan to do.”

And with that, he set off to Hoenn.

Hmm. Not erally much of a homecoming, does Phoenix often come home? If not, shouldn't his parents be more excited to see him than Dad flipping the paper down, saying hello, then going back to the Sports section? and the Sneasel doesn't seem to do a whole lot beyond be a plot device to get us to the house. Realizing this is more a Prologue and that there are things to come, I wonder what's in store for the little guy.

All in all though, you've got yourself in a great position. I'm curious to see how you're gonna bridge past Hoenn events into the NCTH canon, and the Hoenn region being established by Xman, Blazi, biefly by Feral and myself.

Firebrand
15th January 2012, 10:42 PM
To start, I'll be quoting/commenting as I go, then do a more all-encompassing review at the end.


(Phoenix is a 15-year old boy. He has spiky black hair and red eyes, and wears jeans and a black vest. He usually doesn’t talk much, but will respond when necessary. He was born in Sinnoh, and has traveled to regions like Fiore, Orre, and Kanto.
Oh dear. You really don't want things like this. Better to say "Phoenix silently ran a hand through his spiky black hair. He squinted his red eyes and drew his black vest around him. 'It's never been this cold, not in any of the other places I've traveled to.'" See? It gets the same point across, in a way that's a lot less cheap and jarring.


He noticed something. Seeing as how visibility was almost zero because of the snow and darkness, he needed the help of a Pokemon.
Awkward.


Not very many people knew this, but Phoenix had a special ability. He could understand what Pokemon were saying. He could read their emotions, as if he were one of them.
another sort of cheap way to introduce something.


“I understand. I know what it’s like.” Reminisced Phoenix.
You don't need a period after "like". You can put a coma, and then close the quotes. In the same vein, reminisced doesn't have to be capitalized. It happens several other times, but I shant beat the point to death. Also, I find it hard to believe that Phoenix knows what it's like to be captured...


“*Sniffle*… Ok…”
Don't do that. Say "she sniffled". Don't do the whole asterisk thing.

Okay, a lot of things in here are just novice mistakes. I don't understand why Phoenix knows what it's like to be captured (because, think about it. being in prison is different than being in a pokeball), but I'm sure that will be revealed in time.

My other gripe is... Phoenix's parents seem like your average, everyday classic NPC characters. A few lines of dialouge, very flat, not much to do about anything. Obviously, they haven't seen Phoenix in a long time, and that's all they have to say? I dunno, it seems strange to me. Speaking from experience, when Cole sees his sister for the first time in several years in Hero's Path, it's a very emotional scene with a lot of text. Not... come in, have dinner, out we go.

Obviously, you'll improve with time. And my reviews... may seem biting and harsh. But I won't soften any blows, because that's how you'll learn. Take my advice to heart. Ignore it if you wish. But I'll help you along through this. You've got a ways to go, but you'll get there.

Jonah the Slaking
15th January 2012, 10:59 PM
In my respectful opinion, it took a little too long to get to the actual conflict. More description would be a boon, as well as some more exposition. But it's not bad, and you'll get better.

ThePhoenixarisen9
15th January 2012, 11:02 PM
Thank you three for the reviews. I did not think the were harsh at all. It was great to learn from. I will take those into account for the next chapter. Later on, I will go back and revise this. Thank you.

EDIT: For all questions:

All will be revealed in due time.

For plot issues, etc.:

I was trying not to make this too long, which is a mistake I regret. Next time, I'll make it as long as it needs to be.

I went back and revised it. It should be a little better now.

dracoburn
16th January 2012, 3:25 AM
An interesting way to start out a story, just somewhat awkwardly-written. Expand on those ideas, but you might want to use more description and less (*()**&*(&)()&^^%^&*()

If you know what I'm saying.

Blaziken10285
17th January 2012, 2:37 AM
Expansion, like most of the others have said, is needed. To me it seemed like you just sat down, wrote, and published it. It feels like it needs more. Give us more on Phoenix, his parents, what happens.

Cool, coming to Hoenn are you? Need any more characters?

ThePhoenixarisen9
17th January 2012, 10:25 PM
Expansion, like most of the others have said, is needed. To me it seemed like you just sat down, wrote, and published it. It feels like it needs more. Give us more on Phoenix, his parents, what happens.

Cool, coming to Hoenn are you? Need any more characters?

Yes, I do.

EDIT: I did revisions, but it looks like they didn't save... Hmmm... Sorry, all. I did take what you said into account, but I'll have to revise it again...

Glover
17th January 2012, 10:43 PM
Yes, I do.

EDIT: I did revisions, but it looks like they didn't save... Hmmm... Sorry, all. I did take what you said into account, but I'll have to revise it again...

Check your PMs here in about five minutes.

ThePhoenixarisen9
29th January 2012, 6:06 PM
Chapter 2- From one land to the next

Phoenix walked out of Sunyshore City without hesitation. The only place he could think of in Sinnoh that had a boat that was sailing was…

“Dragonite, go,” he commanded.

As the dragon Pokémon flew out of the pokeball, he knew what he had to do. Phoenix jumped on the dragon’s back, and then the dragon flapped its wings and achieved liftoff. The mighty beast started flying through the air, at a calm but fast pace.

“I heard that conversation. We’re going to Hoenn, aren’t we,” asked Dragonite.

“You always eavesdrop like that,” Phoenix replied. “And to answer your question, yes, we are going to Hoenn.”

The dragon flew through clear skies and over vast scenery. The land below was an amazing sight. The hustle and bustle of Veilstone City was a common sight. Pokémon trainers were battling all over the place, with a Kingdra battling a Leafeon, and a trainer with his Heatmor, and another trainer with his Crobat. The Pokémon were an amazing sight to see, and there were plenty. The region was full of activity.

As the two flew for a few long hours, Phoenix was constantly looking at the time. He counted all the flocks of Starly, Staravia, and Staraptors, and all the flocks of Murkrow and Honchkrow flying about. After a while, he looked at his Poketch to check the time.

“11:30… Wait… The boat leaves at 12:00, doesn’t it? Darn… We have to hurry,” Phoenix commented.

Dragonite understood its order without even having to hear it. He flew faster: just fast enough to make it on time, but not fast enough to let Phoenix fall off. Phoenix hung on tightly, and he just waited. After about 20 minutes of flying, they saw the city. By the time they made it to the city, it was 11:58.

“Dragonite, return,” Phoenix said.

As Phoenix put the pokeball back on his belt, he started sprinting towards the harbor. While he was running, he decided to do a little sightseeing on the go. He saw the library, the poke mart, the Pokémon center, all the houses, and the harbor, as he ran, the time turned to 11:59. He saw a sign, telling people about the departure.

“Darn… I gotta hurry,” he said.

He made it to the harbor, and searched through his pockets.

“I hope this ticket still works,” he muttered to himself.

He went to the man, and showed him a golden ticket with the words “SPECIAL PASS” imprinted on it. He examined the ticket, and then handed it back to Phoenix.

“Special ticket, huh? Well, then! I haven’t seen one of those in a while. Your cabin is cabin 13-B,” the man told him.

Phoenix got on board, and then the walkway retracted. The foghorn blew, and the ship set sail.

Phoenix ignored all the other people and located his cabin. He slid the key card in, and turned the handle. When he entered, he couldn’t believe his eyes. There was a flat-screen TV mounted on the wall, as well as a gigantic bed facing the TV from the wall. There was a bathroom over to the side, and a fully stocked kitchen to his other side. On the far side of the room, Phoenix could see a phone and a desk made of polished wood. The words failed to come out of his mouth as he saw his room. Only one word came out of his mouth.

“Wow.”

Phoenix walked over to his bed and plopped down on it. He looked at the ticket, and then reminisced.

“To think I won his thing as a prize for a battle tournament back in SInnoh… I never thought I would use it in a time like this…” he thought.

As time passed, Phoenix laid there in bed, going to sleep once, but aside form that, doing absolutely nothing. He decided to reach into his pocket. Phoenix grabbed his Pokenav and dialed a number.

“Ah, the technology of the Hoenn region…” he said.

As he listened, the Pokenav responded:

“The number you are trying to reach is not available at this point in time. If you would like to leave a message, please press-“

Phoenix turned off the Pokenav.

“Tsk… Of course you wouldn’t respond,” he muttered.

Phoenix reclined on the bed again. In just a few moments he fell asleep.



The next morning, Phoenix went out to the sky deck and got breakfast from the buffet. As he was eating, a young boy walked up to him.

“Hey, mister! Is your name Phoenix, by any chance?” the boy asked.

“Yes, it is. Why do you ask?” Phoenix replied.

“I challenge you to a battle,” The boy shouted.

“Hmm… sure thing,” Phoenix replied. “But… What’s your name?”

“Geoffrey. The name is Geoffrey!” he replied.



The two trainers were on the battle deck now. They grasped the poke balls in their hand tightly, waiting for the other to make a move. Geoffrey was the first one to send out a Pokémon.

“We each battle with one Pokémon, ok?” Geoffrey said.

“Sure thing,” Phoenix replied.

“All right, then. Go, Togekiss!” he said.

He threw the pokeball, and out came the jubilee Pokémon in a flashing spectacle. The Pokémon was poised and ready to go.

“All right, then. Let’s see if the professor was taking good care of you,” Phoenix said. “Go, Volcarona!”

The pokeball released a fiery Pokémon that flew up and then came to Phoenix’s side. The massive moth let out a battle cry, and then calmly laid in wait, anticipating the opponent’s attack.

“Togekiss! Use air slash!” Geoffrey commanded.

The Pokémon let out a flurry of air slashes that flew rapidly at Volcarona. The moth dodged by instinct, then awaited the next attack.

“Air slash again!” Geoffrey commanded.

Togekiss did the same thing again, with the same result. Volcarona was growing tired, as shown by its expression.

“Alright, Volcarona. Let’s go. Flamethrower.” Phoenix commanded.

The moth flew up and let loose a volley of flames. Togekiss wasn’t fast enough, and was hit by the flames. The Pokémon hit the floor hard, and it struggled to get back up.

“Togekiss!!! Come on! Get back up! Togekiss!” Geoffrey shouted.

Togekiss struggled, but it managed to get back up.

“Ok! Use ancientpower!” Geoffrey said.

Togekiss concentrated, then conjured up rocks, and threw them at Volcarona.

“Bug buzz,” said Phoenix.

Volcarona flapped its wings and squealed at a high pitch. The move had no effect on humans, but it certainly had an effect on Pokémon. Togekiss screamed, then fell to the ground, dazed.

“Togekiss!” Geoffrey shouted.

Togekiss had fainted. It was completely exhausted, out of energy to battle with.

“Darn… Togekiss, return!” Geoffrey said. “You did great.”

“Volcarona, return!” said Phoenix. “Excellent job.”

The two trainers walked up to each other and shook hands.

“That was great!” I hope we can battle again sometime,” said Geoffrey.

“Sure thing,” replied Phoenix.



It had been a few days since the battle. Phoenix had just woken up. It was about 9:00 when the captain said:

“Attention, all passengers. We will be arriving in Hoenn in a few minutes. Our only stop will be in Slateport City. We are sorry for this inconvenience. Please start packing your bags, and get ready for us to reach the harbor. That is all.”

Phoenix walked out to the deck and got off the boat. He walked through the harbor into Slateport City.



“Looks like they’re having their annual festival,” Phoenix said.

He was right indeed. Phoenix gazed at the festivities. He headed down to the bazaar to see what they had. As he came to the bazaar, he saw the energy guru, objects for a secret base, TM vendors, and many other vendors. He went up to a vendor.

“Why, hello, good sir! Would you like to buy an exotic item? It’s only 1,500 pokedollars an item,” the vendor said.

Phoenix looked up at the selection. He saw evolutions items, battle items, and strength training items.

“Do you have anything else?” Phoenix said.

“Well, of course,” the vendor said.

He went to the back and opened a box. He took two items out of the box, and then went back to Phoenix.

“These are two items that were given to me by friends. These items are a Draco plate and a dark gem. They are very valuable items, my friend,” the vendor said.

“Ok… I’ll take a king’s rock, and the Draco plate and dark gem,” Phoenix said.

He handed the vendor the money, then went on his way.

“Thank you for your patronage! Come back if you ever need anything!” the vendor said.

“No problem,” Phoenix replied.



As Phoenix walked out of the bazaar, he stared at the dark gem, and then put it away.

“Ok… Now it’s time to see if she’s still here in Hoenn…”