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View Full Version : Space lives on your breath... (PG-15)



はるひ
26th January 2012, 5:55 AM
This story has Pokemon in human form. Also rated PG-15 for the following:
-sexual content
-abuse
-sexism
-female characters glorifying the sexist character
-cursing
-teenage girl flirting with older man

“Space lives on your breath…”

…a phrase that never seemed to leave my mind.

Space…

I don’t know… useless maybe? At a young age, I told my family that I did not want to learn to control space and ‘till this day, I have no concept of space whatsoever. All I know is that for starters, I apparently have the power to bend it to my will and two; it’s a power that has the kids at school laughing at me. They probably know more about space than I do, and if they are laughing at my supposed power, then it MUST be useless. Think about it, kids do not make fun of your powers unless they are deemed useless.

Space is space. Useless air from the term, like the space in the corner of Dialga’s dimension that he left for the clock tower he’s been eying. Is that what I control? Open spaces between furniture? Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s a useless power, like most of my other powers. Maybe even more useless than my water gun; you know, the water power I’m still trying to perfect?

I layed on Dialga’s waterbed, with these thoughts and many others were flowing through my mind. What am I good for in life? This was a question I’ve always seemed to ask myself. When was I going to be good enough? I lied there, looking at the blue, diamond filled sky, just filling my head with these thoughts. Sometimes I wondered if I am even good enough for Dialga. I glanced over at the blue haired young man sleeping alongside me. I wondered; how am I good enough for him? He’s strong, controls time and he could get any girl he wants. But he chose me…

He chose me…

I eventually sat up on the waterbed, careful not to wake up Dialga, and proceeded to get out of bed and on to the floor. Once I got to standing up, I tip toed around the countless clocks and toasters he had scattered around the floor, and went to a mirror that was floating right next to the refrigerator. Everything was still in place when I looked into that mirror. Same pink striped halter dress and my long pink hair was still neat. However, I don’t usually toss and turn at night, so it’s really not all that surprising.

As I stared at myself through the mirror I asked myself what Dialga saw in me that was just so darn attractive? In my mind, attractive is having beautiful blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes that are irresistible. I have eyes that are so red; they can be compared to a red Solo cup, and skin so light; that if I were to play in the snow, you’d have a hard time spotting me.

If there was one thing I liked about myself, other than the fact that Dialga has made me felt things I’ve never felt before, was the bracelet; the gold and blue bracelet that sat gently around my arm. Dialga had made it for me, but it’s more than just a piece of jewelry; it’s something that, to me, greatly improves my self-image. You see, the blue stones in front of the bracelet are called time stones. These time stones hold great temporal power, according to Dialga.

One of the three stones, the one on the left, that’s the one that gave me the full usage of one of the strongest and greatest powers of all: Roar of Time. With its 150 base power, I felt invincible, however, as powerful as it is, it’s very tricky to get it to hit accurately. So, every time I got better at this power, it felt like a huge accomplishment. Not only does it look like a pretty streak of blue when it’s used, but it also has the power to distort time around the opponent or object it’s trying to attack. It’s really an awesome power and it’s boosts my confidence in school battles.

The gem in the middle is the gem that allowed me to feel the bends and twists of time itself. It’s a cool ability because I felt like I could assist Dialga in time related tasks. When I could feel that time was being bent, my brain would start to twitch. Same with Dia, except, he feels the pain more than I do. I can float in this stones aura and feel the stability of time for myself.

Last but not least, the gem on the right gave me the power to distort, rewind, fast forward and stop time. I was still working through the manual for this one; however I really look forward to using this power. It had everything Dialga can do, which made me feel like I was just as powerful as he was. Thing is, I begged Dialga for this feature on my bracelet. At first, he was reluctant to give it to me because, well, he possesses the same powers. But, he felt bad for me and decided to give me the gem and teach me the powers.

As I looked more and more at the gems, I fell even more in love with the concept. I just loved my bracelet and it has given me a huge boost of confidence. Confidence… is something that I lack. Without Dialga or my new found powers, I don’t know what I would do with myself. Without Dialga, I wouldn’t know if I was worth something.

Suddenly, I could see him coming up behind me in the mirror, coming slowly behind me to put his arms around me. All I could do was stare at him for the moment. His blue hair that was shaped into a bob cut, his gray metal face pieces on both sides of his head, and those dreamy red eyes. Those were the same color as mine; however, they suited him better than they suited me. I also noticed that he didn’t have a shirt on… just his pants; probably due to the air conditioning breaking in this dimension.

“Still liking those gems?” Dialga whispered in his soft spoken voice as he planted kisses on my neck.

“Yes, Dia, I’m loving them,” I smiled.

“Well, Palks, do you mind coming to the kitchen? I would like to have a word with you on that one,” he said in a serious tone.

“But... why? What did I do?” I frantically asked as I turned to him. When I heard him tell me that in his serious tone, I knew that I have done something wrong.

“Calm down, Palkia, it’s okay,” Dialga said as he pried me off of him. “Just… sit at the table while I GQ myself, alright?”

I went over to the small dining table we had not too far away from the refrigerator. It was a round table with four chairs, even though it was only Dialga and I who lived here. I pulled up a chair and I sat down as I waited for him to “GQ” himself. Even though, from what I am watching him do, it doesn’t really pass for GQing. He puts on his usual blue and white striped shirt, whist his almost tan skin was shining in the light. He then reached down for his metal chest plate, the one with the blue diamond in the middle, and proceeds to stick it on to himself. For a finishing touch, he shakes his hair and calls it a day.

“You call that GQing yourself?” I laughed.

“With my like, totally awesome charm and good looks, yes,” Dialga smirked as he went toward the refrigerator.

“Hungry?”

I squinted my eyes while he was trying to scoop out three decent sized restaurant containers and a gallon of orange juice. He also got out a whole gallon of maple syrup as well. That all points to one thing: waffles. Like every morning, we have waffles for breakfast. Actually, Dialga is the one who has waffles all the time, except he also has waffle fries but he puts maple syrup on those as well.

“Left over Sweet Apple Massacre?” I asked with a smile.

Dialga looked over his shoulder and winked. “Dammit, you’re good!

Oh, and the Sweet Apple Massacre, is the name of the waffle stack from the restaurant called I-HOW. Which, to say, that is Dialga’s favorite restaurant, and his favorite waffle stack. It has fifteen apple flavored waffles stacked on top of each other and on each waffle, there is caramel apple sauce topped with powdered sugar. On the top, it has pieces of baked and fried apples, nuts, apple pie filling and apple butter. Yes, the name first perfectly. It’s just so much apple, it’s a massacre.

Last night, Dialga got so full from the stack, that he actually had to take home the rest of them, thus for leftovers. From what I knew, we have eight left from that platter, amongst the three boxes we had. Dialga brought all three of them to the table, plus the drink and the syrup.

“So… you’re not going to even heat them up?” I asked while lowering one eyebrow.

“Nah, we don’t have the time, Palks. We got school, ‘member?” he said as he pulled up a chair next to me and sat down.

Sorry, but I couldn’t eat cold waffles. It’s… well the apple sauce and the syrup that he put on them when we got them. It’s going to be very soggy, which freaks me out. As I hesitantly opened the container in front of me, I couldn’t help but smile as I glanced over at Dialga drinking from the orange juice carton. For some reason, I thought it was cute when he does that. However, as I saw him glance over at me, I quickly turned my cornered gaze off of him and focused on my halfway opened container.

“Want some?” Dialga asked as he handed me the orange juice carton.

I nodded as I quickly grabbed the carton from him and sipped a little juice from it, mostly to kill my hunger from not wanting to eat the soggy remains of the Sweet Apple Massacre. After drinking the small about of liquid I wanted to drink, I put down the carton and began to ask a question I’d wanted to ask since be brought up school earlier.

“Hey, Dia, about school…” I started as I quickly got his attention.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Well, since school doesn’t start ‘till eight o clock, maybe you can help me with my temporal powers?” I finally got to ask him.

Right then and there, Dialga raised an eyebrow at me as he had a serious expression on his face. “I was going to talk to you about that, Palkia. Please… pull your chair up closer to me,” he requested.

Feeling anxious about what he had to say, I pulled my chair up closer to his to the point there we could lean on each other without feeling uncomfortable. Many thoughts were running through my mind. Maybe he was going to tell me that he had to go ever the manuals with me again, or he would tell me that I accidently made a tear in time. That or maybe he’d tell me that I’m not making any progress.

He then took my hand, and brought it up to his metal chest plate, while still holding it with both his hands.

“Now, Palkia, I don’t mind you having these powers. But sometimes it can be like where… you know… I feel that you are talking something away from me…” he started to say.

“What?!” I asked in complete panic.

“I feel like you are taking away a part of who I am, Palkia. I mean, lending you my strength is one thing but you want my Roar of Time and all of my temporal powers. And while I love to see you happy, I’m not feeling happy myself. Those powers are what make me… Dialga, you know?” He said as he was squeezing my hand.

“What I’m saying, Palkia is that… I feel that… I shouldn’t teach you anymore than what I taught you… and I won’t.”

As soon as I heard that, my eyes instantly started to well up. The thought of not being taught anymore temporal powers was making my heart sink. These powers gave me a boost of confidence, confidence I thought I’d never have. I had fun practicing with Dialga and also having practice battles with him. I loved to show off my skills at school, and show everyone who made fun of me that I am powerful.

“But… Dialga, you’ll take away something that made me confident…” I said as I started to cry.

Dialga reached over to me and rubbed the back of his hand on my face, trying to wipe my tears away. “Palkia, you need to listen to me, alright?”

“Now, it’s not like I’m going to take away your bracelet or the Adamant Orb which has my strength. I’m not going to take away from what you have learned. I’m saying that I won’t teach you anymore. I mean, Palkia, these powers are what make me Dialga, the Pokemon that controls time. When I use them, I feel special, but when you use them… I don’t feel special anymore. Get what I’m saying?”

I nodded my head, while still in utter shock. “Okay then, then what makes ME special, Dialga? Tell me that?!” I almost yelled.

“Palkia, you ARE special. You can control space. You’re the space to my time,” Dialga explained as he tried to calm me down.

“IT’S A USELESS POWER!” I cried as I slammed my fists against the table.

Dialga actually gave me a surprised look after that. That was rarely something I would do when I got mad, but then again, I’ve gotten a warning at school for hitting a girl that makes fun of me.

“Space is nothing, Dialga. It’s nothing. I got made fun of in school when I told everyone that one. Remember? You were there, Dia. You were there!” I cried.

Then, all of a sudden, he stood up and put his hands on his hips. “Palkia, why do you even give a damn about what people think of you? If they don’t like you, then screw ‘em, Palkia.”

I sat there, with my tears flowing at an even faster rate, extending my arms out to him so that he could help me up from the chair. As soon as he grabbed and pulled on my hands, I was off my chair and proceeded to wrap my arms tightly around him.

“Palkia, I want the best for you, alright? I think… you should learn about your special powers. I want to see what makes you, you Palkia. You got me?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

“Yes…” I said as I rested my head on his chest plate.

“Don’t cry, Palkia. Everything’s going to be alright,” Dialga whispered into my ear. At least, I can spend some more time with Dialga before we hard off for another boring day of school.

はるひ
1st February 2012, 6:31 AM
Arceus
Gothitelle
Gothorita
Dialga
Latios
Haxorus
Espio (Throh)
Knuckles (Sawk)
Vanilluxe
Giratina (altered)
Giratina (origin)
Palkia
Gallade
Charizard
Primeape
Blazikin
Hariyama
Bisharp
Latias
Hydreigon
Reuniclus
Beheyeem
Delcatty
Pidgeot


There I was, walking arm and arm with Dialga, to school. I have always dreaded going there and it was because every Tuesday was Battle Day and Battle Day was the day that we got paired up with someone, and we battle. Easy, right?

Wrong.

Especially since your battle partner is a pretty blonde haired bully who always picks on you for being weaker. Month after month, she always beats me, and then gloats about it, saying that she’s better and that she’s stronger. Well, she IS stronger, considering that she always beats me with her psychic attacks but she just provokes me to the point where I want to hit her in her pretty little face.

“Righty then, we need to hurry up to school before Arceus hits me up for money,” Dialga said as he grabbed my hand and ran.

“Wait! What makes you think he would be around?” I asked while I tried to keep up with him.

“Palkia, I know he’d be around. I don’t have any money to be giving him to take his precious Giratina out on another date,” he said in an annoyed tone.

Honestly, Arceus wasn’t asking us for money for the last few weeks and Dialga and I have seen him out and about with Giratina. But when he DID ask, it was really to take her out to a fancy restaurant, assuming there were no God discounts. But, the one thing I could say was that he loved his Giratina very much and it seemed like she was enjoying him as well.

“Let’s just worry about school? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to ask us,” I sighed.

As I followed Dialga, I can see our school about a couple of feet in front of us. I could see the big green sign right in front of the school, on the left side of the grass. Here it was: Foster’s School for Legendary Pokemon. It was a small school with brick walls and a brown roof. It looked like your typical schoolhouse that you’ve seen in textbooks. As I said before, I dreaded going to school and I didn’t want to come on Battle Day. However, I had to, since I had a perfect attendance record to maintain. I just hoped that today, my fist doesn’t meet that girl’s face.

Dialga let out a sigh of relief when we arrived at the school door. We walked inside the building, to a small classroom with blue walls, and an alphabet strip on the top of the black board. It also had green tables and chairs and the floor was lined with purple carpet. The other kids were laughing and talking amongst themselves as they were waiting for class to start. Our table was on the far left side of the room, in front of the bulletin board. Dialga squeezed my hand as he led me to our table.

We both pulled out our chairs next to each other and sat down to observe everything around us. We could see several kids talking to each other and some were even making paper airplanes and throwing them anywhere in the classroom. When I turned to Dialga, he lifted his arm as a motion for me to move closer to him. I moved my chair until he had enough room to put his arm around me. I honestly needed his comfort, especially for Battle Day, a day I know that the tormenting is going to begin, and his breath blowing on my face made it a little more relaxing in the moment.

“I’m dreading Battle Day,” Dialga whispered.

“Why, Dialga? You’re the strongest legendary in class! No, in the whole world!” I exclaimed.

I’m not trying to suck up to him, but, Dialga is actually a very strong legendary. In fact, according to the statistics, he’s actually the fourth most powerful Pokemon in this world. His only counters are of course, Arceus, I mean he’s GOD. He can beat everyone. However, at number two, came the great Gothitelle of the land, plus her little girl that’s just too damn powerful. Other than them, Dialga was pretty much set. So why is he so worried about Battle Day?

“Thanks, Palks. I’m worried because my partner is Cobalion and yeah, Sacred Sword… yeah can’t you see the DANGER?!” he almost shouted.

“Dialga…” I started as I started to wrap my arms around him as if I was hugging him. “It’s going to be okay. You’re strong!”

Dialga took his free hand and tugged on a piece of my hair, repeating the process about five times. “Now I know I’ll win, and it’d be because of you,” he whispered.

As I closed my eyes to enjoy Dialga’s company, I was interrupted by the sound of footsteps. The sound felt like it was coming near my table, and coming at a quick pace. Not only that, but I heard other footsteps coming near my table as well. I opened my eyes and saw a girl coming towards where I was. It was her… the bully. She flipped part of her long blonde hair to the back as she gave me a smirk on her face. The vertical yellow and pink stripes on her dress and her yellow moon shaped crown on her head, made her look taller and much tougher.

When I looked at her coming my way, all I could do was cower at her presence. She had an aura so strong, it felt like she was the deity she was. I stood up as she finally approached me with her posse in tow, anticipating her torment.

“Hey, Palkia, guess what day it is?” she asked in a show-offy tone.

I just stood there, watching her flash her blue eyes as I tried to find the answer to her question. Deep down, I was afraid of her and its very hard not to show it on the outside. I was shaking inside and looking around the room, for an answer.

“It’s Battle Day, Cresselia. Not hard,” Dialga answered.

She then folded her arms and glared at Dialga. “I believe, I was talking to her here, not you,” she snapped as she pointed to me.

“Hey! You don’t talk to Dialga that way!” I yelled as I almost got in her face. However, Dialga pulled me back a little.

“Well, excuse ME, Palkia, but I am the goddess of the moon. So don’t babble about respect,” Cresselia snapped as she lowered one eyebrow. “Anyway, today is Battle Day, which marks the seventh time that I've beaten you this year. Better be ready.”

I slammed my fists on the table so hard, that the whole class turned my way. As much as I want to say that was embarrassing, I had to toughen up in this situation. I really wanted to give this girl a piece of my mind. At the same time, I was slipping my boots off.

“YOU better be ready, Cresselia, because I learned a new power that can kick your pretty butt!” I yelled.

“Oh really?! BRING IT! Show me!” she yelled even louder.

As this time, I was shaking as I was standing. My legs were trembling the most. The more I wanted to rip her to shreds, the more I quaked. Cresselia was almost about to get herself a beatdown. She was treading on thin ice. I don’t give a damn if she’s a deity. It’s not gonna stop me from teaching her a lesson.

“Hey, Cresselia,” Dialga started to say as he put his arm in front of me and push me down to my chair. “Do us a favor, get over your damn self, and leave Palkia alone. Unless you want to eat a big fat time loop, I suggest you go away,” He yelled angrily.

Cresselia took one glare at Dialga and then stared at me. She then motioned her friends to follow her back to their own table. It was cool and all but however, as she was leaving herself, I looked over her shoulder and glared at me. She then took her right hand and she put up her middle finger at me. To me, that was the biggest insult anyone can do and she was in for a rude awakening.

I sprang from my chair and began to run after her, with fumes in my eyes. As soon as I got to her, I grabbed her by her pretty blonde hair and yanked her towards me. At the moment, I felt as if I just blacked out. I know that I pulled on her hair so tight that I could feel parts of her hair falling off. I couldn’t see what was it that was I doing to her; however I do know what I was actually doing by feeling. I was hitting her at a rapid pace, trying to strike her in her head. I also was trying to use my fingernails to scratch her, which I have missed her face and scratched her head instead.

As I was fighting, I could hear many things being said at once. In one ear, I could hear the other kids saying ‘fight, fight, fight!’ I could also hear screaming from some of the other kids as well. However most of the screaming came from Cresselia as I was trying to hurt her. In the other ear, I could hear my name being yelled out many times by Dialga, who, was trying to pry me away from the fight. I felt his strong hands on top of mine, trying to get me to stop pulling her hair. Inside, I really wanted to stop fighting, and it was mostly because of Dialga, however, I really wanted to teach this girl a lesson. That I may be weaker than her, but it doesn’t give her the right to mess with me.

I could feel my hands slipping away from her hair and someone’s arm, which I assume was Dialga’s, holding me back. As I was trying to break out of his grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around my torso area and lifted me to go back five paces from where I was originally having this showdown. Right there and there, I felt secure enough to stop fidgeting and try to catch my breath.

“I got you, Palkia. You’re gonna be alright,” Dialga whispered.

I can feel him, once again, lifting me up; however, I felt that he was trying to bring me back to our table. This time, I didn’t even try to struggle out of his grasp. In the moment, I felt very comfortable that way. Because I knew that he was trying to protect me from everything that was going on. To me, it feels like a blur to me. My eyes are open, but I felt like I wasn’t really grasping everything that was going on. All I knew was that I was trying to hurt Cresselia… bad. I don’t care to see if I have done the job or not. I just really wanted to get out of here and with Dialga by my side. I felt that I have gotten my point across to her and anyone else who chooses to mess with me.

As Dialga put me down on the ground, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly and burying my head in his chest plate. I was letting my emotions out as Dialga rocked side to side, while having his arms tightly around me as well. While I was crying, I shouted his name a few times out of distress. As I was doing so, Dialga made shush noises to calm me down; however it was so hard to be calm at the moment. I was still in school, a place I didn’t want to be at and just pulled another girl’s hair. I finally looked up at Dialga and started to look into his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Dia. She provoked me,” I said softly on the verge of tears.

He took his right hand and with the back of his hand, he rubbed it across my face, trying to dry my tears. “Everything’s alright. Just know, Palkia that I will always protect you from getting hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally, alright?”

Yes, Dialga,” I said as I was beginning to calm down. I, once again, rested my head on his metal plate for comfort.

Then suddenly, I heard a familiar voice coming inside the building. However, I was just too exhausted from the events to lift my head to see who just came in. But, I could hear this person talking to the other students and what they were saying as well.

“Now what’s going on here?” a woman’s voice asked.

“Palkia pulled my hair! And then she hit me and scratched me!” Cresselia cried. She sounded like she was really in pain, however I really didn’t care. I wanted to give the girl what she deserved.

“It’s okay, Cress,” I heard a guy’s voice say to her. “She’s a loser, that’s all there is to it.”

“Yeah,” I heard a girl’s voice say. “Everyone knows she’s just jealous because you’re better than her and you’re pretty much the only deity in this class. Entei’s right, she is a loser.

At that moment, I want to scream at them; however Dialga’s strong arms were preventing me to do just that. His grip was too great, and plus his comfort was making it useless to want to backlash. However, it didn’t stop him from wanting to give them a piece of his mind. I can feel him turning his body the other way as he began to speak.

“Hey! I don’t give a damn what you think about her, but DO NOT disrespect Palkia that way in front of me, alright?” Dialga said in a stern voice. “She is the love of my life and she’s NOT a loser. Cresselia was attacked because she provoked Palkia.”

“I just want to get out of here!” I cried as I was clinging to Dialga even tighter.

I could feel him prying me off of him for a moment. At that moment, I took my hands and used them to cover my face and eyes to hide the embarrassment. I knew that after the comments made, the face of a looser shouldn’t be shown. So I bowed my head down in shame, just waiting for Dialga to come back to me. I then felt the gentle pressure of his arm wrapped around me and his breath blowing on me. Ah, that comfortable feeling was coming back to me.

“Everything’s going to be alright. Just close your eyes,” Dialga whispered in my ear as I could feel his arm wrapping around my legs.

With all of his strength, he lifted me off the ground and held me tightly, so much so that I didn’t feel the need to hold on to him. Plus, I was just too embarrassed to take my hands off my face. I could feel him walking; however I had no idea as to where he was taking me. All I knew was that he told me to keep my eyes closed and that everything was going to be alright. So I melted in to his arms and rested on his chest plate, waiting to know where he was going to take me.

////---\\\

“Okay, Palkia, you can open your eyes now,” Dialga said.

I took my hands off of my face and opened my eyes. There, I laid eyes on the blue, diamond filled sky while feeling the motion of the cold waterbed underneath me. A smile stretched across my face when I realized that Dialga has brought me back home. I turned to my right and saw him sitting there on the bed beside me. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I quickly sat up on the bed, and with all of my might, moved closer to him.

“Dammit, Palkia! What are you doing?” he laughed as he saw that I managed to get on my knees.

I put both of my hands on his shoulders as I brought my left leg over him. As of now, I was sitting on top of him and a light blush came over my face. As for Dialga, his face was almost red as he slowly put his arms around me. I knew that both of us were digging the position we were in. I can see it on his face when he gave me a great big smile.

“You’re so beautiful, Palkia. Did you know that?” Dialga asked softly.

I shook my head no as I blushed even more. At that point, I didn’t know what to say to him. Every time he’d say that to me, I would be at loss for words. Even when we first met, I never understood why a guy as good looking as he was goes for a girl who wasn’t society’s vision of beautiful. So every time he’d tell me that, my heart rate would go up. I could actually feel a cold wind of confidence come over me as I smiled at him. However, I knew that I had to change the conversation or distract him.

“So… how did you get around to sneaking out of the school?” I asked while changing the subject and quietly reaching for his shirt. I softly tugged on the collar and began to unbutton the small buttons that were lined vertically on his shirt.

“Eh, I was quiet about it. The teach was talking with Cresselia and her friends, so I saw this as a perfect opportunity to escape. I know I’ll get written up for it, but I’ll stand up to the man,” he said with a smirk on his face.

“Mrs. Applebee… is not the man,” I said softly as I reached the last button on his shirt.

I finally got to unbutton the last button, which Dialga would complain that it’s the hardest button to get to. All the while, he wasn’t noticing what I was doing. I just smiled at him, while secretly admiring what I did.

“Hey, what is that?” I asked as I pointed to the top left of the dimension.

Dialga looked over in the direction that I pointed to look for what I was apparently talking about. While he took the bait, I took both ends of his shirt and I separated them, exposing his torso. After I did just that, I rested my head on his bare chest. Then, I could hear his heat beating at a normal pace as I melted on to him, taking in his sent.

“Wow, you must really like my four pack eh?” Dialga said somewhat hesitantly.

“Thanks, Dialga, for everything,” I murmured, ignoring his last statement.

“No probs, Palkia. You don’t need to thank me. I’m always there for you,” he said as he took his hand and rubbed big circles on my back.

“I wish I can find out how to be strong though, since you won’t teach me anymore time powers,” I whispered while with my right hand, I went up and down his side.

Since Dialga told me he won’t be teaching me my powers, I felt that my self-worth has been crushed. However, if I could find my own path to being a strong Pokemon, then maybe I can gain it back and some confidence as well. Maybe it could be something that Dialga could help me out with.

“You can Palkia. You need to ask the top five strongest Pokemon of Unova. You already have one of them, me! However, you need to expand your horizons more and talk to other strong Pokemon. Maybe you’ll learn something new,” Dialga replied.

After hearing what he said, I thought it was a wonderful idea. If I talked to all of those Pokemon, maybe I could learn some new methods of strength, other than from Dialga. I mean he IS number four as is, and I know who is number one, two and three, however the person who is number five escapes me at the moment.

“Who’s number five? I want to ask them all in order,” I asked as I sat up.

“Number five is Latios, but be weary. Latios doesn’t think highly of girls,” Dialga said with a serious tone in his voice.

“Dialga, I need a pad and a pen!” I said as a spang from the bed.

Ememew
2nd February 2012, 11:23 AM
Romantic/shippy stories aren't really my thing, but since you asked, I'll take a look at this one.

Underlined segments are places where present-tense verbs should probably be in the past-tense.

What IS space anyway? I don’t know… useless maybe? ‘Till this day, no one has ever told me what space was. OK, here’s what people have asked about. Why has no one told her about her family’s power until now? Why would her entire family avoid using their powers in her presence, tell her one day that there is such a thing as space powers and that she has them, and then never bother to tell her anything else about them?

This scenario would be akin to a family never, ever, speaking to a child, suddenly writing a note to convey that spoken language exists and that the kid can speak too, and then continuing to never speak to the kid again or otherwise teaching them to talk after that point. The child in this instance would have no idea about spoken language at all, similar to Palkia not knowing about Space, but such a scenario wouldn’t make sense.

Why would she have never heard another Palkia talking about the kinds of abilities the species can use? Think about how this question can be answered, and you’ll have a good place to start. It might involve a situation in which Palkia truly has never seen or heard about spacial powers, or it might involve re-working the scene to have Palkia know the basics of her powers, but not thinking she can do much past the basics.

Yes, I know I just spent three paragraphs on a single sentence, but this is one of the key points of the story that needs work. I’m not trying to steer you away from this idea altogether, just saying that the reason for this part needs to make sense. You can do it!

All I know is that for starters, I apparently have the power to bend it to my will and two; it’s a power that has the kids at school laughing at me. They probably know more about space than I do, and if they are laughing at my supposed power, then it MUST be useless. Think about it, kids do not make fun of your powers unless they are deemed useless.

Space is space. Useless air from the term, like the space in the corner of Dialga’s dimension that he left for the clock tower he’s been eying. Is that what I control? Open spaces between furniture? Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s a useless power, like most of my other powers. Maybe even more useless than my water gun; you know, the water power I’m still trying to perfect? Again, think about how it could be that a Palkia has no idea what space is. Aren’t her powers famous? Haven’t her family members given her a few lessons in the basics?

Also, I haven’t underlined any tense issues in this part because this is, basically, a scene of Palkia’s thoughts wandering. In this case, tense discrepancies can actually add to the sense that this is what the character is feeling and thinking. Once we get into the next part of the story, we see her conveying actions that are happening, so I’ll let you know where the tense issues are there.


I lay on Dialga’s waterbed, with these thoughts and many others flowing through my mind. What am I good for in life? This was a question I always seem to ask myself. When am I going to be good enough? I lied there, looking at the blue, diamond filled sky, just filling my head with these thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I am even good enough for Dialga. I glanced over at the blue haired young man sleeping alongside me. I wonder; how am I good enough for him? He’s strong and he controls time, he can get any girl he wants. But he chose me…

He chose… me…
Ugh, “lay” and “lie” always get me. I had to look this one up and I’m still not sure I’m giving you the right advice. The first one seems to be correct, the second should also be “lay.” I think.

I would also use a full stop rather than “…” after the last “me.” I think it will sound stronger that way.

I’m a little concerned that Palkia defines her self-worth in terms of whether Dialga likes her over other girls. This could be just Palkia’s thought process, demonstrating that her mindset is immature right now, but what a person (or Pokémon) is “good for in life” is about way more than whether they’re chosen as “girlfriend material” by a popular guy.

Also, PG-10 and they’re sharing a bed?

I eventually sat up on the waterbed, careful not to wake up Diaga, and proceeded to get out of bed and on to the floor. Once I got to standing up, I tip-toed around the countless clocks and toasters he had scattered around the floor and went to a mirror that was floating right next to the refrigerator. Everything was still in place when I looked into that mirror. Same pink stripped halter dress and my long pink hair was still neat. Surprising. However, I don’t usually toss and turn at night, so it’s really not all that surprising.
“Diaga” should be “Dialga” and “stripped” should be “striped.”

Why is this both surprising and not surprising?

As I stared at myself through the mirror, sometimes I ask myself; what does Dialga see in me that’s just so darn attractive? In my mind, attractive is having beautiful blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes that are irresistible. I have eyes that are so red; they can be compared to a red Solo cup, and skin so light; that if I were to play in the snow, you’d have a hard time spotting me. “As I stared at . . .” implies that you are talking about her current action; “sometimes I ask myself . . .” comes across as something continuous, that happens often. Maybe you could make both have the same tense? “As I stared at myself through the mirror I asked myself what Dialga saw in me that was just so darn attractive.”

Here we see that Palkia is also insecure about her appearance as well as her powers. Isn’t this girl confident about anything to do with herself? Why does she feel she can’t be pretty unless she fits a very western, human standard of beauty (which is certainly not the only idea of beauty that exists)?


If there was one thing I liked about myself, other than the fact that Dialga has made me felt things I’ve never felt before, was the bracelet; the gold and blue bracelet that sits gently around my arm. Dialga had made it for me, but it’s more than just a piece of jewelry; it’s something that can improve my self-image. You see, the blue stones in front of the bracelet are called time stones. These time stones hold great temporal power, according to Dialga.
Um, what she likes about “herself” is that Dialga likes her and that she has Dialga’s powers in the form of a bracelet. Yeah, this could be just to show that Palkia is immature in her ideas about the world, but it’s starting to look like you think her “worth” can only come from external sources (i.e. other people liking her and her fitting herself to match what other people like). I sincerely hope this is something she can grow out of as the story progresses and find something about herself she likes that doesn’t come from Dialga.

How can her “self”-image be improved by something that has nothing to do with her?

This is what people mean by you “degrading” Palkia. You make the only thing she likes about herself be something that has literally nothing to do with herself at all. Her entire “self”-worth is entirely based on Dialga instead.


One of the three stones, the one on the left, is the one that give me the full usage of one of the strongest and greatest powers of all: Roar of Time. Every time I got better at this power, it felt like a huge accomplishment. Not only does it look like a pretty streak of blue when it’s used, but it also has the power to distort time around said opponent or object it’s trying to attack. It’s really an awesome power and it’s boosts my confidence in school battles.
“Said” opponent implies that you’ve already talked about an opponent. You haven’t. Just use “the” here.

The gem in the middle is the gem that allows me to feel the bends and twists of time itself. It’s a cool ability because I feel like I can assist Dialga and time related tasks. If I can feel that time is being bent, my brain starts to twitch. Same with Dia, except, he feels the pain more than I do. I can float in this stones aura and feel everything myself, feel the stability of time for myself. ”If I can” might sound better as “when.” This is more personal preference, though. The second bolded bit might work better as just “feel the stability of time for myself” without the “feel everything myself” part, to clean up the sentence a bit.
Last but not least, the gem on the right. The last one, this one gives me the power to distort, rewind, fast forward and stop time. This one, I still have one manual to go, however I really look forward to using this power. It’s has everything Dialga can do, which makes me feel like I am as powerful as he is. Thing is, I begged Dialga for this feature on my bracelet. At first, he was reluctant to give it to me because, well, he has the same powers. But, he felt bad for me and decided to give me the gem and teach me the powers.
This paragraph sort of reads awkwardly. “Last but not least, the gem on the right.” is not a complete sentence. It might be better to just say “Last but not least, the gem on the right gave me the power to . . .” instead of splitting it into two statements that both introduce the last gem.

“This one, I still have the manual to go” also sounds odd. Maybe “I was still working through the manual for this one” would work better?

“It’s has” should be “it has” (or “it had,” if you want to tell the main story in past tense. At this point, I’m not sure which one you use most often, so I’m just going for “past tense” as a default. Let me know which tense you want to write in and I’ll help you with the tenses).

As I looked more and more at the gems, I fell even more in love with the concept. I just loved my bracelet and it will give me a boost of confidence. Confidence… is something that I lack. Without Dialga or my new found powers, I don’t know what I would do.
Again, over these last few paragraphs, her “confidence” is only made possible through an outside source. I hope she grows out of this mindset.

Suddenly, I can see him coming up behind me in the mirror, coming slowly behind me to put his arms around me. All I could do was stare at him for the moment. His blue hair that was shaped into a bob cut, his gray metal face pieces on both sides of his head, and those dreamy red eyes. Those were the same color as mine. I also noticed that he didn’t have a shirt on… just his pants; probably due to the air breaking in this dimension. Why does she dislike her red eyes while finding his dreamy, when she acknowledges that their eyes are the same color?

I’m also not quite sure what you mean by the bolded. He doesn’t have a shirt on because of the air?


“But... why? What did I do?” I frantically asked as I turned to him. When I heard him tell me that in his serious tone, I knew that I have done something wrong.

“Calm down, Palkia, it’s okay,” Dialga said as he pried me off of him. “Just… sit at the table while I GQ myself, alright?” GQ?




I squinted my eyes while he was trying to scoop out three decent sized restaurant containers and a gallon of orange juice. He also got out a whole gallon of maple syrup as well. That all points to one thing: waffles. Like every morning, we have waffles for breakfast. Actually, Dialga is the one who has waffles all the time, except he also has waffle fried but he puts maple syrup on those as well. Should probably be plural.


“Left over Sweet Apple Massacre?” I asked with a smile.

Dialga looked over his shoulder and winked. “Dammit, you’re good!

Oh, and the Sweet Apple Massacre, is the name of the waffle stack from the restaurant called I-WOP. Which, to say, that is Dialga’s favorite restaurant, and his favorite waffle stack. It has fifteen apple flavored waffles stacked on top of each other and on each waffle, there is caramel apple sauce topped with powdered sugar. On the top, it has pieces of baked and fried apples, nuts, apple pie filling and apple butter. Yes, the name first perfectly. It’s just so much apple, it’s a massacre.
I-WOP? International… Waffle of Pancakes?


Last night, Dialga got so full from the stack, that he actually had to take home the rest of them, thus for left overs. “leftovers” is one word.


However, as I saw him glance over at me, I quickly turned my corned gaze off of him and focused on my halfway opened container.Corned gaze?


After drinking the small about of liquid I wanted to drink, I put down the carton and began to ask a question I’ve wanted to ask since be brought up school earlier. “I’ve” to “I’d” for past tense.


There, I knew that his talk was going to be about my newfound powers.

“I was going to talk to you about that, Palkia. Please… pull your chair up closer to me,” he requested.You essentially say the same thing, that the talk is going to be about Palkia using temporal powers, twice in a row. It’s a bit repetitive.


Feeling anxious about what he has to say, I pulled my chair up closer to his to the point there we can lean on each other without feeling uncomfortable. Many thoughts were running through my mind. Maybe he was going to tell me that he has to go ever the manuals with me again, or he would tell me that I accidently made a tear in time. That or maybe he’ll tell me that I’m not making any progress. Mostly tense issues here.


As soon as I heard that, my eyes instantly started to well up. The thought of not be taught anymore temporal powers was making me really upset. These powers gave me a boost of confidence, confidence I thought I’d never have. I had fun practicing with Dialga and also having practice battles with him. I loved to show off my skills at school, and show everyone who made fun of me that I am powerful.We can already see that she’s upset because her eyes are welling up. No need to say it twice.


Then, all of a sudden, he stood up and puts his hand on his hips. “Palkia, why do you even give a damn about what people think of you? If they don’t like you, then screw ‘em, Palkia.”

I sat there, extending my arms out to him so that he can help me up from the chair. As soon as he grabbed and pulled on my hands, I was off my chair.

“Palkia, I want the best for you, alright? I think… you should learn about your special powers. I want to see what makes you, you, Palkia. You got me?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

“Yes…” I said as I rested my head on his chest plate.

At least, I can spend some more time with Dialga before we hard off for another boring day of school. Should be “head off” to school.

The fact that Dialga doesn’t want to teach her more further emphasizes that her confidence comes from abilities that have nothing to do with her. They’re an external power source that was given to her and, as her fears show, could be taken away just as easily. She’s completely dependent on another Pokemon for her confidence at this point. That’s not really confidence. Now, is this how you want to show her, and eventually show her growing past?

Anyway, I feel like this might have been better with the first two entries put together as one chapter since they take place in about the same scene and cover the same overall topic, Palkia’s concern about her powers. As a general rule, try to have something “happen” each chapter. As it is, these two could be described as “Palkia wakes up, broods over her powers, and talks with Dialga about her abilities over breakfast.” It all happens in the same location; it’s all about her use of temporal powers because she’s unsure about her own spacial ones. To me, it would work better as a single entry rather than as two separate chapters. What happens is that the basic premise and scene is set by the two chapters together. I just think they are just as effective as one single, longer chapter.

Anyway, on to entry number 3.



Here I am, walking arm and arm with Dialga, walking to school. I have always treaded doing there and it was because every Tuesday was Battle Day and Battle Day was the day that we got paired up with someone, and we battle. Easy, right?
Repeating of “walking” a few words later is a bit redundant. Either replace one of them with a different word or drop it entirely.

“Treaded doing” should probably be “dreaded going,” if I’m interpreting that line correctly. Always proofread before posting. Sometimes reading the story aloud helps you catch things like this.

If it is supposed to be past-tense, “here I am” should be “there I was.”

Especially since your battle partner is a pretty blonde haired bully who always picks on you for being weaker. Month after month, she always beats me, and then gloats about it, saying that she’s better and that she’s stronger. Well, she IS stronger, considering that she always beats me with her psychic attacks but she just provokes me to the point where I want to hit her in her pretty little face.Well, we’re getting a bit more of Palkia’s personality now. Maybe she’ll use her own powers out of being provoked by Cresselia? If she’s mad enough, she might activate them without meaning to.


“Righty then, we need to hurry up to school before Arceus hits me up for money,” Dialga said as he grabbed my hand and ran. For some reason this made me laugh when I read it. Good job.


“Wait! What makes you think he would be around?” I asked while I tried to keep up with him.

“Palkia, I know he’d be around. I don’t have any money to be giving him to take his precious Giratina out on another date,” he said in an annoyed tone.

Honestly, Arceus hasn’t been asking us for money for the last few weeks and Dialga and I have seen him out and about with Giratina. But when he DOES ask, it’s really to take her out to a fancy restaurant, assuming there were no God discounts. But, the one thing I could say was that he loves his Giratina very much and it seemed like she was enjoying him as well. “His” Giratina? Giratina belongs to Arceus? Maybe omit the possessive pronoun here, and just say he loves Giratina.

Are all the legendaries going to be paired up? Romance/shipping isn’t really my thing . . .

“Let’s just worry about school? I’m pretty sure he’s not going to ask us,” I sighed as I followed him.

As I followed Dialga, I can see our school about a couple of feet in front of us. I can see the big green sign right in front of the school, on the left side of the grass. Here it was: Foster’s School for Legendary Pokemon. It was a small school with brick walls and a brown roof. It looks like your typical schoolhouse that you see in textbooks. As I said before, I dreaded going to school and I didn’t want to come on Battle Day. However, I had to, since I had a perfect attendance record to maintain. I just hope that today, my fist doesn’t meet that girl’s face today.
Repetitiveness strikes again, with “as I followed” twice in a row and “today” twice in the last sentence.

Is the school name a reference to “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends”?


At last, for Dialga of course, we are at the school door.I’m not sure what you mean by “for Dialga of course” in this sentence. I mean, I get that you are saying Dialga’s happy to be there while Palkia doesn’t want to have arrived yet, but I think the wording could be improved.
We walked inside the building, to a small classroom with blue walls, and an alphabet strip on the top of the black board.An alphabet strip? How old are they?

We both pulled out our chairs next to each other and sat down to observe everything around us. We could see several kids talking to each other, some who aren’t even here yet, and some were even making paper airplanes and throwing them anywhere in the classroom.Um, they can’t see the ones that aren’t there yet because they aren’t there to be seen. They can see the empty spaces that indicate that some students still haven’t arrived, but cannot see people who aren’t there.
When I turned to Dialga, he lifted his arm as a motion for me to move closer to him. I moved my chair closer to him as he had enough room to put his arm around me. I honestly needed his comfort, especially for Battle Day, a day I know someone is about to torment me for my powers, and his breath blowing on my face made it a little more relaxing in the moment.
Again, move(d) closer to him is said twice in a row. Change up the wording on one of these.

Speaking of repetition, we already know that Palkia is worried about Battle Day because she’s afraid her powers will be mocked. You don’t have to keep telling us this. We get it.

I’m not being suck up here, Dialga is actually a very strong legendary.Why would Palkia feel like she needs to say she’s not stuck up when the powers she’s talking about aren’t even hers? She’s not bragging about herself, but about Dialga.
In fact, according to the statistics, he’s actually the fourth most powerful Pokemon in this world. His only counters are of course, Arceus, I mean he’s GOD. He can beat everyone. However, at number two, comes the great Gothitelle of the land, plus her little girl that’s just too damn powerful. Other than them, Dialga is pretty much set. So why is he so worried about Battle Day?Here we get the “are legendaries unique” question again. Is Arceus God, or a god? Are there multiple Arceus like there are multiple Palkia? Aren’t Dialga and Palkia technically gods as well? Wouldn’t older Dialga be stronger than this one? And unless the mention of Gothitelle and her child is set-up for their later inclusion, this scene seems more “tell” than “show.”


The vertical yellow and pink stripes on her dress plus her yellow moon shaped crown on her head, made her look taller and much tougher. I would personally use “and” over “plus” here, but this is your call.


“Hey, Palkia, guess what day it is?” she asked in a show offy tone. “Show-offy” should probably have a hyphen.


I just stood there, watching her flash her blue eyes as I try to find the answer to her question. Deep down, I was afraid of her and it’s very hard not to show it on the outside. I was shaking inside and looking around the room, for an answer.Mostly tense issues here. Again, I’m working under the assumption that you want it to be consistently past tense. If you were going for present, let me know.


“Well, excuse ME, Palkia, but I am the goddess of the moon. So don’t babble about respect,” Cresselia snapped as she lowered one eye Lowered one eye? Do you mean eyebrow?


As this time, I was shaking as I was standing. My legs were shaking the most. The more I wanted to rip her to shreds, the more I shook. Cresselia was almost about to get herself a beatdown. She was treading on thin ice. I don’t give a damn if she’s a deity. It’s not gonna stop me from teaching her a lesson.Again, if Cresselia is a deity, isn’t Palkia one too?

Anyway, you could replace some of the shaking with other words like “quivering,” “trembling,” or “quaking” to change up the vocabulary.


Cresselia took one glare at Dialga and then stared at me. She then motioned her friends to follow her back to their own table. It was cool and all but however, as she was leaving herself, I looked over her shoulder and glared at me. She then took her right hand, which I could see her doing this, and she put up her middle finger at me. To me, that was the biggest insult anyone can do and she was in for a rude awakening. At the bolded, of course Palkia can see her. The story is written in first-person. If the audience reads it, it means Palkia is seeing, hearing, or otherwise experiencing something. You can omit the bolded part.

Anyway, once again there seems to be an equation of pretty with strong and popular. Keep in mind that these things are not synonymous and that to be more realistic you might want to go into further detail on the varied strengths and flaws of the characters. As she is, Cresselia appears to be just a stereotypical mean girl. Is there any more to her than that? As the apparent main antagonist of this story, one hopes that she would have more development than that.

Anyway, I figure this is long enough as is, and it’s almost 4:30 am where I am, so I’m done for now. Keep in mind that the underlined parts are places where present tense could be changed to past.

はるひ
3rd February 2012, 4:24 AM
Romantic/shippy stories aren't really my thing, but since you asked, I'll take a look at this one.

The story isn't really a romance story. It seems like it because it hasn't gotton to the root of what it's about yet; which in the current part I am doing, it goes on from there.



OK, here’s what people have asked about. Why has no one told her about her family’s power until now? Why would her entire family avoid using their powers in her presence, tell her one day that there is such a thing as space powers and that she has them, and then never bother to tell her anything else about them?

This scenario would be akin to a family never, ever, speaking to a child, suddenly writing a note to convey that spoken language exists and that the kid can speak too, and then continuing to never speak to the kid again or otherwise teaching them to talk after that point. The child in this instance would have no idea about spoken language at all, similar to Palkia not knowing about Space, but such a scenario wouldn’t make sense.

I fixed it to where Palkia told her family she didn't want to learn her powers when the time came for her to do so. So yes she WAs told about her powers and knows she has them, but she doesn't want to use them.


Why would she have never heard another Palkia talking about the kinds of abilities the species can use? Think about how this question can be answered, and you’ll have a good place to start. It might involve a situation in which Palkia truly has never seen or heard about spacial powers, or it might involve re-working the scene to have Palkia know the basics of her powers, but not thinking she can do much past the basics.

thats pretty much how i edited his scene. Because my past wording never made sense.


. You can do it!


it's pretty much an honor to hear that coming from you since I wish I could be this good and this smart.


Again, think about how it could be that a Palkia has no idea what space is. Aren’t her powers famous? Haven’t her family members given her a few lessons in the basics?

Ignorance on Palkia's part. She listens to the other kids and thats how she got this idea on what space is.


Ugh, “lay” and “lie” always get me. I had to look this one up and I’m still not sure I’m giving you the right advice. The first one seems to be correct, the second should also be “lay.” I think.

I pretty much changed both to layed. Even though MS Word has a red underline underneath it, I think it sounds much better than lay in this instance.


I’m a little concerned that Palkia defines her self-worth in terms of whether Dialga likes her over other girls. This could be just Palkia’s thought process, demonstrating that her mindset is immature right now, but what a person (or Pokémon) is “good for in life” is about way more than whether they’re chosen as “girlfriend material” by a popular guy.

I'm pretty much the same as Palkia in this piece. If someone were to love me over tens of thousands of girls out there, especially better looking ones, I to would be thinking that I had self worth.

For Palkia, it defines it even more since the guy she is with is the fourth strongest Pokemon in this Pokeverse and controls a very important aspect of the universe.


Also, PG-10 and they’re sharing a bed?

Don't fairy tales do this as well? Or Rated G movies? :o

I rated it the way I did because I think that it's good for people 10 and up to read lol (I WAS gonna say PG-9 but thats pushing it) unless the mods didnt think so.



Here we see that Palkia is also insecure about her appearance as well as her powers. Isn’t this girl confident about anything to do with herself? Why does she feel she can’t be pretty unless she fits a very western, human standard of beauty (which is certainly not the only idea of beauty that exists)?

I think that maybe Palkia likes her personality, that was a main reason as to why Dialga chose her in the first place (other than him thinking she was breathtakingly beautiful). Of course I would have to try to integrate that... but how?



Um, what she likes about “herself” is that Dialga likes her and that she has Dialga’s powers in the form of a bracelet. Yeah, this could be just to show that Palkia is immature in her ideas about the world, but it’s starting to look like you think her “worth” can only come from external sources (i.e. other people liking her and her fitting herself to match what other people like). I sincerely hope this is something she can grow out of as the story progresses and find something about herself she likes that doesn’t come from Dialga.

How can her “self”-image be improved by something that has nothing to do with her?

This is what people mean by you “degrading” Palkia. You make the only thing she likes about herself be something that has literally nothing to do with herself at all. Her entire “self”-worth is entirely based on Dialga instead.

She feels that if someone took their time to get to know her to the point where they want a relationship with her and has expressed that they want to be committed to her, then she's going to think that's where the self worth comes in. She thinks she's worthy because she's with someone, especially someone who is deemed powerful.

And since she has those powers but in a form of something tangible, then she's gonna feel even more self worth.

I dont want to degrade Palkia, and I dont want to seem sexist here. If there's a way I can do it differently then I need help on how to do it. I don't think Palkia is worthless without Dialga, it is Palkia who feels that way. But she grows out of it slowly in this story. She even had to take a huge step; living without Dialga for 3 weeks.




“It’s has” should be “it has” (or “it had,” if you want to tell the main story in past tense. At this point, I’m not sure which one you use most often, so I’m just going for “past tense” as a default. Let me know which tense you want to write in and I’ll help you with the tenses).

The main story is supposed to be past tense; however those it's, its really get me :[



GQ?

GQ magazine. When someone says "I'm gonna GQ myself" they mean they are going to make themselves look fancy.




The fact that Dialga doesn’t want to teach her more further emphasizes that her confidence comes from abilities that have nothing to do with her. They’re an external power source that was given to her and, as her fears show, could be taken away just as easily. She’s completely dependent on another Pokemon for her confidence at this point. That’s not really confidence. Now, is this how you want to show her, and eventually show her growing past?

Yes I want to show her growing past this. Dialga sees that she has been becoming too attached to his basic component and thats why he doesnt want to teach her any further.



For some reason this made me laugh when I read it. Good job.

I accomplished something; I made someone laugh :D


“His” Giratina? Giratina belongs to Arceus? Maybe omit the possessive pronoun here, and just say he loves Giratina.

But then there is things like "I love my kids" I love my wife" etc....


Are all the legendaries going to be paired up? Romance/shipping isn’t really my thing . . .

No, it's only the these 4 guys, however it's not what the story is about.



Is the school name a reference to “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends”?

pretty much yeah; Thank my lack of imagination. lol


An alphabet strip? How old are they?

15 but the ages if the kids vary. Plus most schools have alphabet strips.



Why would Palkia feel like she needs to say she’s not stuck up when the powers she’s talking about aren’t even hers? She’s not bragging about herself, but about Dialga.

I meant to say suck up to him; bad wording that I fixed.


Here we get the “are legendaries unique” question again. Is Arceus God, or a god? Are there multiple Arceus like there are multiple Palkia? Aren’t Dialga and Palkia technically gods as well? Wouldn’t older Dialga be stronger than this one? And unless the mention of Gothitelle and her child is set-up for their later inclusion, this scene seems more “tell” than “show.”

He's pretty much the only Arceus here. And actually, Palkia is going to be seeing her, meaning Gothitelle, in the next part.

The rest, I am confused. :[



Again, if Cresselia is a deity, isn’t Palkia one too?

I'm pretty much confused here as well. Palkia is not yet a deity since she's young :[


anyway the parts I cut out are the ones i fixed before replying to this.

Ememew
3rd February 2012, 6:19 AM
I meant this part

He chose. Me… the other way around. "He chose... me." Sorry if the way I worded it was confusing. Anyway, on to your other concerns.


I fixed it to where Palkia told her family she didn't want to learn her powers when the time came for her to do so. So yes she WAs told about her powers and knows she has them, but she doesn't want to use them . . . Ignorance on Palkia's part. She listens to the other kids and thats how she got this idea on what space is. OK, but why does she believe her classmates over her family? Why hasn't she ever seen them using space around her and why haven't they tried to teach her.

Yeah, she can say she doesn't want to learn it, but if its a power she has just from being a Palkia, wouldn't they try to make sure she had some basic control over it so she doesn't hurt someone by accident?

I pretty much changed both to layed. Even though MS Word has a red underline underneath it, I think it sounds much better than lay in this instance. I think "lay" is the past-tense form in this situation. Umm, maybe someone with a better handle with the lay/lie thing can help you on this . . .

I'm pretty much the same as Palkia in this piece. If someone were to love me over tens of thousands of girls out there, especially better looking ones, I to would be thinking that I had self worth.

For Palkia, it defines it even more since the guy she is with is the fourth strongest Pokemon in this Pokeverse and controls a very important aspect of the universe.Does she feel worthy because another Pokemon is her friend/boyfriend, and she feels better because she's accepted for who she is by another person?

Or does she feel confident because the other Pokemon happens to be strong and popular?

Don't fairy tales do this as well? Or Rated G movies? :o

I rated it the way I did because I think that it's good for people 10 and up to read lol (I WAS gonna say PG-9 but thats pushing it) unless the mods didnt think so. I guess it depends on what they are doing in the bed . . . But seriously, don't worry about it too much. I meant that comment as more of a joke than a criticism.

I think that maybe Palkia likes her personality, that was a main reason as to why Dialga chose her in the first place (other than him thinking she was breathtakingly beautiful). Of course I would have to try to integrate that... but how?I can't tell you how because there are many ways that are ultimately up to you, the author, to use. Just show her being happy while she's just being herself when other people aren't around, or show her doing something that interests her.

What are her interests? Her quirks? We see Dialga has a thing for waffles and collecting clocks and toasters. Does Palkia collect anything? Does she have hobbies or talents? Just show her doing whatever she does for fun and enjoying it. That'll help.

She feels that if someone took their time to get to know her to the point where they want a relationship with her and has expressed that they want to be committed to her, then she's going to think that's where the self worth comes in. She thinks she's worthy because she's with someone, especially someone who is deemed powerful. Does she like Dialga because he likes her for who she is, or because he's powerful. Would she feel confident with herself if the Pokemon that decided he liked her lost more battles than he won?

And since she has those powers but in a form of something tangible, then she's gonna feel even more self worth.The thing is, her confidence comes in the form of an item. There are both positives and negatives to keep in mind when dealing with this.

On the positive side, it provides a visual reminder for her that another being sees her as special. If she's losing her cool, she can just look at her wrist and see proof that another person values her existence. This is the aspect I think you're focusing on.

But, since it is an object, it can be taken away, lost, or otherwise removed from her. And, if this is the entire source of her confidence, her self-worth would be taken away with it. I'm not sure how much you follow the Pokemon anime, but this is like the Sunglasses Krokorok losing its confidence when it doesn't have its shades. This is something you have to think about. Her confidence is based on something she herself feels could be taken away at a moment's notice, as she notes here

“But… Dialga, you’ll take away something that made me confident…” I said as I started to cry. The fact that the thing that makes her confident exists in the form of an object makes her feelings of self-worth fragile at the same time as it gives her a tangible reminder that Dialga likes her. You'll need to address the fact that her confidence comes from a thing that might not always be there.

Another issue is that these powers are still Dialga's, not Palkia's. She's confident in Dialga's powers and her connection to him. In a way, it's almost like a chain binding her to him. In a positive light, this can be read as a tangible manifestation of their care for each other, but unfortunately it also implies that she's sort of trapped because she wouldn't be able to feel confident without him. Real self-confidence comes from being able to be confident whether others are around or not. Yes, being able to have people who care about you supporting you is a good thing that can boost confidence, but her real test of whether she likes herself comes from finding things about herself that she likes.

I dont want to degrade Palkia, and I dont want to seem sexist here. If there's a way I can do it differently then I need help on how to do it. I don't think Palkia is worthless without Dialga, it is Palkia who feels that way. But she grows out of it slowly in this story. She even had to take a huge step; living without Dialga for 3 weeks . . . Yes I want to show her growing past this. Dialga sees that she has been becoming too attached to his basic component and thats why he doesnt want to teach her any further.That's good. But try not to draw the pacing out too long. Show her growing by including parts where she's just enjoying being herself. It'll help as buildup for whatever action takes place later.

But then there is things like "I love my kids" I love my wife" etc....
In those cases, those are titles, descriptions of the person. Giratina is her name. Let me put it this way: if you had a little brother named Bill, would you call him "my Bill" the way you would say "my brother," or would you just call him by his name?

pretty much yeah; Thank my lack of imagination. lolIt's a funny reference, so it works.

15 but the ages if the kids vary. Plus most schools have alphabet strips.Usually just at the elementary level, since by high school (the learning grounds of 15-year-olds) they typically already know the alphabet. Outside of classrooms where foreign languages are taught, I don't remember seeing alphabet strips in any high school classrooms.

He's pretty much the only Arceus here. And actually, Palkia is going to be seeing her, meaning Gothitelle, in the next part.

The rest, I am confused. :[
Is he the only Arceus "there" or the only Arceus "at all?" Anyway, the main thing I was getting at is that if legendaries are deities, then aren't Dialga and Palkia considered gods too? They're a tier lower than Arceus in canon, but higher up than almost all others. You also say that this 15-year-old Dialga is the 4th strongest being in their world. Wouldn't older Dialga be stronger than him since he's just learning? Or do you mean that Dialga's family are in a different dimension from him and that this is basically a "school dimension" for the legendaries?

Finally it just seems to be stated as a list. Where is Palkia getting these figures? How are the statistics kept? If there was an explanation for this in a later part, just listing them off might work at this point. But if you aren't planning on expanding on it later, it would be a good idea to do so now.

I'm pretty much confused here as well. Palkia is not yet a deity since she's young
But isn't Cresselia young too? I mean, they are classmates. That makes them around the same age, give or take a few years. If Cresselia's already considered a deity at her age, why isn't Palkia? Do they take a "god license" test at 16 like a human's driver's license or something?

はるひ
7th February 2012, 6:32 AM
Be weary, Latios is pretty much a sexist and abusive character...

I soon arrive at my first destination: Latios’ house. When I rang the doorbell, so many thoughts were running through my mind. I wondered if Latios would even consider talking to me. Dialga’s words kept repeating itself in my head: Latios doesn’t think highly of girls. I was honestly afraid that he would not tell me how I could become as strong. Not only was he three years older than me and was a foot and six inches taller than me, but he was also five times powerful than I am.

This was part of the reason as to why I told Dialga not to come with me. Because for this particular visit, I wanted to show Latios that I could take him on by myself; that I could handle his opinions without Dialga always jumping to my rescue. I just want this guy to actually respect me instead of seeing me as just another fragile female Pokemon who’s weaker. Plus, I wanted to take this journey myself. I wanted to find the path of strength on my own, since this was about finding what makes ME strong.

As I stood outside the door, it finally opened. At the door, stood a young, fragile little girl with long pinkish-reddish hair and an old school styled dress that was red, had a white sash and had puffy sleeves with blue triangles on them. This happened to be a little girl that I really did not like. However, I had to be nice to her since she and Dialga and the rest of our group are good friends.

“Hey, Latias, is Latios here?” I asked politely while trying to hide my dislike for this girl.

“Yes, but I cannot get him to the door,” she whispered. “You see, I’m grounded, and I can’t let Latios know that I’m out of my room.”

“But can’t Latios hear the doorbell from here?” I asked.

After I asked that question, she looked down at the ground with such shame. I sensed that in her mind, she knew that Latios could hear the doorbell ringing, and with her at the door, it would give it away that she was disobeying him, again. This was pretty much the reason why I disliked Latias. It was because I found her to be rude, disrespectful and she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Dialga thinks she’s an angel however, based on what happened with us on the beach, I see differently.

“… and what do we have here?” a familiar male voice said from the background.

Through the door, I could see him coming towards us. He was a very tall guy, indeed. His blue hair was cut short, he was as tan as a wooden table, he had a dark blue sweatshirt with an red triangle in the middle and his light blue pants made him not only taller, but leaner. He glared at Latias as she turned to him and froze. She was so busted.

“Go to the kitchen,” he ordered with not a lot of emotion in his voice.

Latias hesitantly started to walk to the kitchen. As she was doing that, he slowly walked over to the doorway. From that moment, I was shaking in my boots. He gave me a smirk and narrowed his eyes at me. I was, in a way, afraid of him. When he stood at the doorway, I felt as if he was staring me down. I really didn’t want to look him in the eye, but since I am here to ask him some questions but out of respect for him, I managed to look him in his dark red eyes.

“What do you need?” he asked in a voice that sounds as if he was annoyed. “If you’re here to play with Latias, then you came at the wrong time. She’s grounded.”

“Actually Latios, I came to talk with you,” I said while trying to hide that I was shaking.

Latios raised an eyebrow when he heard that I was here to talk to him. With his eyes, he double-took twice. “Hm…”

“Talk about what?” Latios asked.

“I want to talk with you about strength. About what could I do to make myself stronger,” I replied while avoiding giving him a long story. “Basically, I need your advice.”

He then stood up taller as he crossed his arms and let out a light chuckle. I was pretty sure that he was laughing at the idea of me wanting to seek his advice on how to be strong, especially from what after Dialga told me about him. If a dainty girl such as myself came up to someone who was respected because of their place on the list, then I would be laughing as well. I don’t blame Latios for laughing.

“Oh that’s cute! You want to seek my advice, huh?” Latios asked while still chuckling lightly. “Okay... whats-your-name, I can do that, but know that I have strong opinions and I never hold back.”

“First off, my name is Palkia and second, I’m strong enough to hear your opinions. Plus it will only make me stronger,” I said in an annoyed tone.

Sorry, but I just hate it when he doesn’t remember my name. Calling me ‘whats-your-name’ was pretty much taking away my identity; a blow to my self-confidence. I am strong enough to hear what he says to me. I promised myself that I would not cry if he says something I didn’t like. Like I said before, this was part of the reason why I told Dialga not to come. Because in this situation, him defending me would make me look bad in Latios’ eyes.

“Very well then, Palkia, come in and sit at the table,” Latios rolled his eyes as he lead me into the house and into the kitchen.

After closing the door behind me, I followed him through the rather small living area and into the decent sized kitchen. The kitchen had a bar-like table in the front. From there, Latios pointed to the table as a motion for me to sit there. I went over and grabbed a stool and sat down at the table, with my pen and pad ready to take his notes. Latios went around the bar table and looked straight at his little sister, who was standing there waiting for him. I guess that he wants to have a take with Latias first before talking to me.

“Alright Latias, you were grounded for what?” Latios asked while crossing his arms.

“For disobeying you,” she answered in her normal soft tone.

Typical Latias, alright. She’s always disrespecting his word to the point that it’s very annoying. If she pulled that on me, I don’t care how much Dialga likes her; I would have punished her as well.

“… and what do you do?” he said in a stern tone. “You disobeyed my orders. I told you to stay in your room. You know what...”

Latios, out of anger, went a little closer to her. The closer he got, the more intimidated she got. When I looked at the girl, she looked at him pretty calm and being the defiant little girl she is, she would never let him show that he was ready to make her cry or show that he was scaring her.

“Go to your room,” he ordered as he stood about six inches from her.

However, this time, she actually did what she was ordered to do without hesitation or back talk. She walked, with her nose up in the air, to her room and slammed the door. I know that if Dialga were here, she would be defiant about the whole thing, but since he’s not here to protect her, it’s a whole different story. All I was doing at the moment was just letting Latios’ accent flow in my ears. He then turned to me and began to lean on the bar table.

“Okay, what do you want to ask me?” he asked as he stared at me.

“I need you to give me advice on how to become as strong as you all,” I said as I readied my pen.

“Here it goes. You can become strong, Palkia. However, you can never become as strong as Dialga, or me,” Latios said. “I don’t think you’ll even be top ten worthy.”

I could never become as strong as Latios or Dialga? Why not? This was a question that was racing through my head as soon as I heard him say that. If I’m not at least as strong as those two respected guys or the guys in the top ten, then I’m not strong at all and still in the bottom with all of those girls who don’t do a damn thing but fish and drool over guys. There are a few on the bottom who are great fighters but they are in training. But then again, there might be a logical explanation for this.

“Why do you say that?” I said in my neutral voice.

“Well, Palkia it’s simple. Biologically, men are stronger than women when it comes to combat. We have more, say experience when it comes to battle and strength,” Latios explained.

Now I understand. Most of the Pokemon I have seen in ancient battles have been men. Most of the Pokemon listed in the top ten are male. In fact, the only females who were on the top are Gothitelle and Gothorita, a seven year old girl. Remarkable huh? A girl, same age as Latias and two inches shorter than her, could beat out, comparatively, a big and powerful guy such as Dialga and an intelligent and powerful guy such as Latios. Those girls ARE strong. Especially, Gothitelle; man that woman can kick butt, and after my meeting here, I would love to just know how she got to be so strong.

“I can understand what you're saying. I mean there is a bit of truth to that. However, why are girls like Gothitelle and her kid stronger than most men? If they could strong, can't I be strong?” I asked as I wrote that all down. “ Is there any advice as to how I, can be stronger?”

Latios paused for a moment at my question. When I looked at him, it appeared as if he couldn't find an explanation as to why those girls are strong.

“Yes there is. You need to become strong as a person first. You, Palkia aren’t very strong as a person. I can tell from when you rely on Dialga for everything. Even for him to protect you from what I say to you. My point is that you need to stop being reliant on men to do your work and do it yourself,” he explained.

As I wrote that down, I got to thinking; he’s right. I do rely on Dialga for a lot of things, even for powers that I can use to mask my own. I never really thought of it as making him do my work though.

“Are you saying that I rely on him too much?” I asked.

“Yes, and you need to learn how to do things for yourself. This is the reason why I don’t like you; it’s because you’re one of those girls who cling to a man and make them do all the work. You want Dialga to be the one who jumps in to protect you from every little thing. You need to learn how to suck it up, Palkia,” Latios said. “Believe it or not, Palkia, women CAN think for themselves.”

After I wrote that all down I closed my pad and stood up from the bar table. “Thanks, Latios, for taking the time to answer my questions,” I said.

“Welcome. I just want to tell you this, and this is something I hardly tell a girl unless they are worthy of me telling them. You have potential, Palkia. You really do, and I can see it in you. If you are strong enough, I’d like to challenge you to battle me. How does that sound?” He asked as he flashed a smile.

A light blush spread across my face as I tried not to look at him. Me? Have potential? Coming from a guy who doesn’t think highly of girls? That was a HUGE compliment, at least to me. I couldn’t help but smile. I think he’s said this to a few girls but to think I, Palkia, could be one of those girls was a rewarding feeling.

“Yes, I’d love to. Thank you for the complement,” I said as I was avoiding becoming emotional.

As I stared to walk out the door on to my next destination, I heard him call out to me one last time.

“Palkia, is your next stop going to be Gothitelle’s laboratory?” Latios asked.

“Yes, how come?” I asked him.

“I’ll be coming by there so you might run into me again,” he chuckled.

Osha Say What?
7th February 2012, 10:48 PM
The scenes between Latios and Latias are completely and totally ****ed up. Latios is a complete and total jackass for treating Latias that way. Why the hell is Latios grounding Latias? Aren't they both still in school? No kid should wield the ability to punish a kid like that, ever. And Latias shouldn't be taking this kind of crap from him. She needs to start standing up for herself, and he needs to stop disrespecting her.

はるひ
13th February 2012, 10:13 PM
Alrighty, this is what I did:

I took out the middle eastern part. Yes he kinda has the accent but I didnt say it in the story. Reason why he has an accent and Latias doesnt is because they were raised by different people.

As for the sexism, I toned it down by deleting some things that werent necessary. But it doesn't derail Latios' views. Yes I did do research and plus I used a statement that had truth to it.

I took out the "not as strong as men" part in Palkia's quote. But know that she's young and trying to become strong and is interviewing Latios, so she's going to write down what she hears.

Latias should be in her room like it said, but I wanted to show her defiant nature plus to stretch this as long as I could.

I spelled Laboratory wrong.

Chibi_Muffin
14th February 2012, 11:20 PM
Your writing is really good. Your description is very visual and has the right amount of detail. You might cram the detail in a bit, but it's still very good quality.

Your characterisation is also fairly good. I can see that you are trying to show the personalities of Dialga, Palkia, Latias, Latios and Cresselia. While Latios and Cresselia are clearly shown (I'm assuming Latios is meant to be a bit sexist), and Palkia's lack of confidence is hinted at, you might want to work on making your characters a bit deeper. What I mean is that you could give your good characters bad points or quirks (like Palkia having no confidence) and giving your bad characters some good points - since both of them just seem to be jerks rather than all out villains, this is possible. Are there any points - that aren't strength or beauty - that could redeem Latios and Cress a bit? Cress doesn't need them, however if you want to go a similar route to your other stories and make him a good big brother, he must be more than a jerk.

Are you going to expand on the bit you mentioned in Latias, where Palkia said that they were good friends? If you are going to mention it, it would be nice to maybe show how they are friends in a later chapter. By the way, who else is in this group she mentioned?

Also, one slight grammar nitpick - when the girl says "Entei's right, she is a loser" you forgot the last pair of speech marks.

Overall, a good fanfic, with a bit of room to improve. A slight question, are the top 24 strongest Pokemon listed there the whole species or just individuals? The fact that the Gothitelle you mentioned earlier is said to be a single one and the fact that Throh and Sawk have names points to the latter, but it would be nice if that was clearer. Also (and you can answer this one in a VM), which ones are female? It seems a bit random, I know, but with Latios' whole sexism thingy, it would be interesting to know the real proportions.

Anyways, I look forward to reading the next chapter! I already have a feeling of what might happen, and it sounds very interesting~

はるひ
15th February 2012, 6:58 AM
But arent strength or beauty two things that kinda define a person based on first impression? But yeah there's more to Latios and Cresselia than what I've said so far, in fact they are going to appear in the next chapter.

As for the list, those are individual Pokemon, and yes I will give out genders in the spoiler:


male
female
female
male
male
male
male
male
male
female
female
female
male
male
female
female
female
female
female
female
female
female
female
female


from the looks of it, the males are in the middle.

Ememew
17th February 2012, 11:59 AM
Before I start with the more recent chapters, I’ll restate a question or two I had earlier. If Cresselia is a deity, why isn’t Palkia one as well? They’re both students at the same school, so they should be roughly the same age, and obviously Cresselia isn’t already done learning because she’s still in school. So why is Cresselia already a moon deity while Palkia isn’t considered a goddess of Space?

And why hasn’t Palkia learned what space is from her family? I can (kind of) get her not learning how to use it, but to not have even been told so much as what space IS is hard to swallow, to say the least. Maybe it would help you come up with a solid reason (or otherwise, just decide it really does make more sense to have her know after all) if you figure out what Legendary family life is like before they attend school.

oh and before we get to it, here is the infamous list I keep blabbing about in the story.
Um, when I said you needed to explain this list, I meant you need to (at least eventually) tell us in the story how and why this list is made. Who made this list and why? How is their strength level measured? How often is it updated? How does the average Pokémon like Palkia hear about the current placements on it? This is more complicated of an answer than just the list itself and should be explained in the story.



Arceus
Gothitelle
Gothorita
Dialga
Latios
Haxorus
Espio (Throh)
Knuckles (Sawk)
Vanilluxe
Gallade
Giratina (altered)
Giratina (origin)
Palkia
Charizard
Primeape
Blazikin
Hariyama
Bisharp
Latias
Hydreigon
Reuniclus
Beheyeem
Delcatty
Pidgeot
And then there’s the list itself. Palkia is number 13 in the list. 13 out of the possibly billions of Pokémon in this world (or is this list based on a single country, in which it would still breach the millions?). And she thinks she’s weak? Huh? Number 13 out of even a few hundred if the list is of a significantly smaller population is certainly nothing to sneeze at. Why does she think she’s weak and useless when she’s obviously not?

Moreover, the Pokémon she feels inferior to (Cresselia) doesn’t even make the top 24. She’s not on the list at all. I know you said it is an “incomplete” list, but if this really shows the top 24 in order, and Palkia puts a lot of stock in this list, then she should have nothing to worry about from Cresselia since she clearly already surpasses her.

The solution? Think a little more about what this list actually is (how/why it is made, how large the population it is measuring is) rather than just posting the list as your answer to my questions about it. Working out the reasons for the list existing to begin with and how it works should help you work out logic problems that arise from it. Do not answer with just the first thing that pops into your head, but rather work out answers to all the questions I suggest here as thoroughly as you can. As an author, you create worlds with your words. Try to give these worlds a strong foundation and the rest of the story will make a lot more sense.

Moving on to the new chapters, then.

I sprang from my chair and began to run after her, with fumes in my eyes. As soon as I got to her, I grabbed her by her pretty blonde hair and yanked her towards me. At the moment, I felt as if I just blacked out. I know that I pulled on her hair so tight that I could feel parts of her hair falling off. I couldn’t see what was it that was I doing to her; however I do know what I was actually doing by feeling. I was hitting her at a rapid pace, trying to strike her in her head. I also was trying to use my fingernails to scratch her, which I have missed her face and scratched her head instead. The bolded comma isn’t needed.

“which I have missed” is a little awkward to read. Try “although I missed her face . . .” or something similar.

“do” should be “did” to remain in past tense.

Wow, Palkia’s been pushed over the edge by Cresselia’s teasing, hasn’t she? With a reaction like this, it looks like she’s been holding this frustration in for a long time.

As I was fighting, I could hear many things being said at once. In one ear, I could hear the other kids saying ‘fight, fight, fight!’ I could also hear screaming from some of the other kids as well. However most of the screaming came from Cresselia as I was trying to hurt her. In the other ear, I could hear my name being yelled out many times by Dialga, who, was trying to pry me away from the fight. I felt his strong hands on top of mine, trying to get me to stop pulling her hair. Inside, I really wanted to stop fighting, and it was mostly because of Dialga, however, I really wanted to teach this girl a lesson. That I may be weaker than her, but it doesn’t give her the right to mess with me. You don’t need a comma between “who” and “was” here.

I’m a little confused by the wording of the bolded phrase. She both wants to stop and continue the fight at the same time (because her feelings really are conflicted on the matter), but the phrasing could be cleaner.

Again, nice description of Palkia snapping from being driven to the edge. When she (eventually) learns how to maintain her calm during a fight, she’ll make one powerful battler.


I could feel my hands slipping away from her hair and someone’s arm, which I assume was Dialga’s, holding me back. As I was trying to break out of his grasp, he wrapped both of his arms around my torso area and lifted me to go back five paces from where I was originally having this showdown. Right there and there, I felt secure enough to stop fidgeting and try to catch my breath. Underlines are places that should be past tense.

Do you mean “there and then” instead of “there and there”? (Interestingly enough, the way you have it now references space – there – twice, while the other version is space and time – then – to describe the moment.)

I can feel him, once again, lifting me up; however, I felt that he was trying to bring me back to our table. This time, I didn’t even try to struggle out of his grasp. In the moment, I felt very comfortable that way. Because I knew that he was trying to protect me from everything that was going on. To me, it feels like a blur to me. My eyes are open, but I felt like I wasn’t really grasping everything that was going on. All I knew was that I was trying to hurt Cresselia… bad. I don’t care to see if I have done the job or not. I just really wanted to get out of here and with Dialga by my side. I felt that I have gotten my point across to her and anyone else who chooses to mess with me. That bolded semicolon really doesn’t look right there. It might be better to drop the semicolon and the word “however” and just split it into two sentences there to make it flow better.

Likewise, drop the bolded comma.

The phrase that starts with “Because I knew” isn’t a complete sentence, and would probably work better combined with the previous one. I don’t think you even need a comma to combine them; just drop the “.” and change the B to lowercase.

You don’t need to say “to me” twice in that sentence.

Underlines are the same as ever.

Hmmm, at the same time as she feels she was able to fight for herself to scare off a bully, she also feels the need to be guarded from the others by Dialga? Or is it her own violent streak she feels Dialga is protecting her from? While the latter works, the former seems to be at a disconnect. I’m just trying to establish what Palkia feels she’s being protected from here, just after she demonstrated she can protect herself from Cresselia.

As Dialga put me down on the ground, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly and burying my head in his chest plate. I was letting my emotions out as Dialga rocked side to side, while having his arms tightly around me as well. While I was crying, I shouted his name a few times out of distress. As I was doing so, Dialga made shush noises to calm me down; however it was so hard to be calm at the moment. I was still in school, a place I didn’t want to be at and just pulled another girl’s hair. I finally looked up at Dialga and started to look into his eyes. Again, is she crying and feeling the need to be protected because of what she just did or because of what she thinks the others might do to her? I ask because this:

“I’m so sorry, Dia. She provoked me,” I said softly on the verge of tears. suggests that she’s upset because she lost control and went further than she probably meant to while this:


“Everything’s alright. Just know, Palkia that I will always protect you from getting hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally, alright?” implies that he’s protecting her from the other Pokémon even though she seems to have emerged the least damaged from her brawl with Cresselia.

Don’t get me wrong, they can have two different interpretations of the same event if that’s what you’re intending here. But I just want to make sure that’s what you are trying to get across.

Yes, Dialga,” I said as I was beginning to calm down. I, once again, rested my head on his metal plate for comfort.

Then suddenly, I heard a familiar voice coming inside the building. However, I was just too exhausted from the events to lift my head to see who just came in. But, I could hear this person talking to the other students and what they were saying as well. I think you’re missing some quotation marks from the front of Palkia’s dialogue, and the bolded comma is unneeded.

“Now what’s going on here?” a woman’s voice asked.

“Palkia pulled my hair! And then she hit me and scratched me!” Cresselia cried. She sounded like she was really in pain, however I really didn’t care. I wanted to give the girl what she deserved.

“It’s okay, Cress,” I heard a guy’s voice say to her. “She’s a loser, that’s all there is to it.”

“Yeah,” I heard a girl’s voice say. “Everyone knows she’s just jealous because you’re better than her and you’re pretty much the only deity in this class. Entei’s right, she is a loser. You’re also missing the end quotation marks after this girl talks.

Once again, why is Cresselia the only deity in a class of legends? She’s still learning too, so how is she already considered a goddess while the others are not?

And why does the teacher just take Cresselia’s word for it? Doesn’t she listen to Palkia’s side of the fight?

At that moment, I want to scream at them; however Dialga’s strong arms were preventing me to do just that. His grip was too great, and plus his comfort was making it useless to want to backlash. However, it didn’t stop him from wanting to give them a piece of his mind. I can feel him turning his body the other way as he began to speak. The bolded phrase is a little odd. Maybe you could word this less awkwardly?

Also, does she have to mention that his arms are “strong” every time she mentions them?

“Hey! I don’t give a damn what you think about her, but DO NOT disrespect Palkia that way in front of me, alright?” Dialga said in a stern voice. “She is the love of my life and she’s NOT a loser. Cresselia was attacked because she provoked Palkia.”

“I just want to get out of here!” I cried as I was clinging to Dialga even tighter. Why, after attacking her tormenter, is Palkia unable to articulate a defense for herself to the teacher/other kids? She wants to just retreat while Dialga defends her. I get that her attack was because she snapped from the built up pressure, but does she really have to curl back into her Dialga-reliant ball immediately after the adrenaline runs out?

“Everything’s going to be alright. Just close your eyes,” Dialga whispered in my ear as I could feel his arm wrapping around my legs.

With all of his strength, he lifted me off the ground and held me tightly, so much so that I didn’t feel the need to hold on to him. Plus, I was just too embarrassed to take my hands off my face. I could feel him walking; however I had no idea as to where he was taking me. All I knew was that he told me to keep my eyes closed and that everything was going to be alright. So I melted in to his arms and rested on his chest plate, waiting to know where he was going to take me.
Umm . . .
. . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . .

After a fight in which she badly injures another student, the teacher just stands back and lets her boyfriend carry her out of the building without even the slightest disciplinary consequence for either the fight or for leaving school early? Um, What?


I took my hands off of my face and opened my eyes. There, I laid eyes on the blue, diamond filled sky while feeling the motion of the cold waterbed underneath me. A smile stretched across my face when I realized that Dialga has brought me back home. I turned to my right and saw him sitting there on the bed beside me. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I quickly sat up on the bed, and with all of my might, moved closer to him. Again, they just simply leave the school without any consequences?

Also, you might want to establish why two 15 year olds are living together without any adults around.


“Dammit, Palkia! What are you doing?” he laughed as he saw that I managed to get on my knees.

I put both of my hands on his shoulders as I brought my left leg over him. As of now, I was sitting on top of him and a light blush came over my face. As for Dialga, his face was almost red as he slowly put his arms around me. I knew that both of us were digging the position we were in. I can see it on his face when he gave me a great big smile.

“You’re so beautiful, Palkia. Did you know that?” Dialga asked softly.

I shook my head no as I blushed even more. At that point, I didn’t know what to say to him. Every time he’d say that to me, I would be at loss for words. Even when we first met, I never understood why a guy as good looking as he was goes for a girl who wasn’t society’s vision of beautiful. So every time he’d tell me that, my heart rate would go up. I could actually feel a cold wind of confidence come over me as I smiled at him. However, I knew that I had to change the conversation or distract him.

“So… how did you get around to sneaking out of the school?” I asked while changing the subject and quietly reaching for his shirt. I softly tugged on the collar and began to unbutton the small buttons that were lined vertically on his shirt. Um… PG-10?


“Eh, I was quiet about it. The teach was talking with Cresselia and her friends, so I saw this as a perfect opportunity to escape. I know I’ll get written up for it, but I’ll stand up to the man,” he said with a smirk on his face. Is this teacher completely incompetent? I mean, Dialga sweeps her into his arms and just walks out because . . . the teacher is still talking to Cresselia? It might work better if you say he messed with time to aid their escape or something.


“Mrs. Applebee… ” Out of curiosity, what is Mrs. Applebee? Is she even a Pokémon at all?

I finally got to unbutton the last button, which Dialga would complain that it’s the hardest button to get to. All the while, he wasn’t noticing what I was doing. I just smiled at him, while secretly admiring what I did. “that it’s” and “would” sort of sound clunky in this sentence. Maybe “which Dialga sometimes complained was the hardest button to get to” would work better?


“Hey, what is that?” I asked as I pointed to the top left of the dimension.

Dialga looked over in the direction that I pointed to look for what I was apparently talking about. While he took the bait, I took both ends of his shirt and I separated them, exposing his torso. After I did just that, I rested my head on his bare chest. Then, I could hear his heat beating at a normal pace as I melted on to him, taking in his sent. PG . . . 10?


“I wish I can find out how to be strong though, since you won’t teach me anymore time powers,” I whispered while with my right hand, I went up and down his side.

Since Dialga told me he won’t be teaching me my powers, I felt that my self-worth has been crushed. However, if I could find my own path to being a strong Pokemon, then maybe I can]/U] gain it back and some confidence as well. Maybe it could be something that Dialga could help me out with. Again, her “self”-worth doesn’t even come from herself at this point, so I hope you’re planning to have her learn her own skills when gaining real confidence.

Also, Palkia is coming across as obsessed with strength/power or the lack thereof. It might be a good idea to start exploring the idea that confidence and worth don’t come from battle ability alone. Physical might isn’t the end-all-be-all measure of what makes a person worth anything in this world, right?

“You can Palkia. You need to ask the top five strongest Pokemon of Unova. You already have one of them, me! However, you need to expand your horizons more and talk to other strong Pokemon. Maybe you’ll learn something new,” Dialga replied. Ok, just wondering why he jumped to this as the solution.

And why does he also sound like “strength/power is everything”?

After hearing what he said, I thought it was a wonderful idea. If I talked to all of those Pokemon, maybe I could learn some new methods of strength, other than from Dialga. I mean he [U]IS number four as is, and I know who is number one, two and three, however the person who is number five escapes me at the moment. You might want to break that into separate sentences between the bolded words.


“Who’s number five? I want to ask them all in order,” I asked as I sat up.

“Number five is Latios, but be weary. Latios doesn’t think highly of girls,” Dialga said with a serious tone in his voice.

“Dialga, I need a pad and a pen!” I said as a spang from the bed.
“Spang” should be “sprang.”

Anyway, why does Dialga suggest “top 5” as the cutoff when he has doubts about Palkia asking the person ranked number 5 on the list?

The focus on “strength/power” as Palkia’s only hope to gain self-confidence and worth is worrisome. Just how much focus is placed on combat ability in this world? What does this focus imply for the world? Or is it just Palkia obsessing over strength as the end-all-be-all that makes her think this way, rather than the culture? Again, I ask, does Palkia have any other talents or hobbies that don’t involve stripping Dialga or worrying about being inferior in appearance/power?

On to the chapter with Latios and another mess entirely.

I soon arrive at my first destination: Latios’ house. When I rang the doorbell, so many thoughts were running through my mind. I wondered if Latios would even consider talking to me. Dialga’s words kept repeating itself in my head: Latios doesn’t think highly of girls. I was honestly afraid that he would not tell me how I could become as strong. Not only was he three years older than me and was a foot and six inches taller than me, but he was also five times powerful than I am. Words are plural, itself is singular. Use “themselves” to make them both plural.

Also, I think you could catch a lot of the tense issues by reading the story out loud to yourself. Don’t do so immediately. After finishing an entry, let the chapter sit unposted for a few days. Then reopen the chapter and read it aloud to yourself to check for any spelling/grammar/tense issues you can catch.

Then there’s the theme of this chapter. I’ll put my thoughts on this in a Spoiler box to avoid confusing my review of this chapter with my review of your handling of this subject in general.
So you’ve decided to tackle accusations of sexism by diving right into the issue? Risky move. I’m all for the idea of writing out the problems with an issue through fiction to help understand it, but posting it as you figure it out is risky as it can reinforce the idea that you might not have been as able to overcome your problems with it as you claim to have. It might be better to write this stuff out to explore the topic without actually including it in the story you’re actively posting until you have had more experience with writing the issue of sexism in a sensitive manner.

I ask you this: have you done the research into the subject as others have suggested? Until you do it might be better to work out your own understanding of the subject in things you write but DON’T post. It’ll help distance yourself from the image until you have been able to do enough research to write about this issue effectively and sensitively.

This was part of the reason as to why I told Dialga not to come with me. Because for this particular visit, I wanted to show Latios that I could take him on by myself; that I could handle his opinions without Dialga always jumping to my rescue. I just want this guy to actually respect me instead of seeing me as just another fragile female Pokemon who’s weaker. Plus, I wanted to take this journey myself. I wanted to find the path of strength on my own, since this was about finding what makes ME strong. Nice, she’s taking the first steps toward independence by choosing to face Latios alone. I would hope that this would mean that she would be willing to question Latios’s opinions as well rather than taking everything he says as fact because he happens to be ranked number 5.

As I stood outside the door, it finally opened. At the door, stood a young, fragile little girl with long pinkish-reddish hair and an old school styled dress that was red, had a white sash and had puffy sleeves with blue triangles on them.Replace the comma with the word “and” and this will be a smoother read.
This happened to be a little girl that I really did not like. However, I had to be nice to her since she and Dialga and the rest of our group are good friends . . .After I asked that question, she looked down at the ground with such shame. I sensed that in her mind, she knew that Latios could hear the doorbell ringing, and with her at the door, it would give it away that she was disobeying him, again. This was pretty much the reason why I disliked Latias. It was because I found her to be rude, disrespectful and she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Dialga thinks she’s an angel however, based on what happened with us on the beach, I see differently. Oh boy, here we go . . . Why does Palkia dislike Latias? Apparently because she doesn’t obey her brother’s commands without question like a good little servant. You have Palkia, the character the reader sees the world through, saying that Latias is arrogant for not doing what her brother commands. As controlling as her brother is, the only way Latias has any say in her life at all seems to stem from disobeying her brother’s orders, and Palkia says that doing that is wrong. Should Latias act like a robot without a mind of her own? Is that what Palkia feels her place is?

Anyway, as I read the scene, it didn’t even seem like Latias intentionally disobeyed her brother. It reads (to me, anyway) as though Latias heard the doorbell and opened the door on instinct, realizing only after the fact that she disobeyed her brother to do so. How is “acting of your own free will” equated to disrespect? I mean, I understand that she’s already being punished and this particular act of disobedience is technically evading a punishment for something else (intentionally or otherwise), but I have yet to see any situation in which Latias is allowed to so much as disagree with her brother without it being deemed “disrespectful” that she dare to have her own brain.

Latias hesitantly started to walk to the kitchen. As she was doing that, he slowly walked over to the doorway. From that moment, I was shaking in my boots. He gave me a smirk and narrowed his eyes at me. I was, in a way, afraid of him. When he stood at the doorway, I felt as if he was staring me down. I really didn’t want to look him in the eye, but since I am here to ask him some questions but out of respect for him, I managed to look him in his dark red eyes. Do you mean “and” instead of “but” here?

“What do you need?” he asked in a voice that sounds as if he was annoyed. “If you’re here to play with Latias, then you came at the wrong time. She’s grounded

“Actually Latios, I came to talk with you,” I said while trying to hide that I was shaking.

Latios raised an eyebrow when he heard that I was here to talk to him. With his eyes, he double-took twice. “Hm…” The bolded phrase seems repetitive. Maybe change up the wording of one of the pair to prevent essentially saying the same thing twice.

He then stood up taller as he crossed his arms and let out a light chuckle. I was pretty sure that he was laughing at the idea of me wanting to seek his advice on how to be strong, especially from what after Dialga told me about him. If a dainty girl such as myself came up to someone who was respected because of their place on the list, then I would be laughing as well. I don’t blame Latios for laughing.

“Oh that’s cute! You want to seek my advice, huh?” Latios asked while still chuckling lightly. “Okay... whats-your-name, I can do that, but know that I have strong opinions and I never hold back.”

“First off, my name is Palkia and second, I’m strong enough to hear your opinions. Plus it will only make me stronger,” I said in an annoyed tone. Good for Palkia, she corrects Latios. She’s willing to stand up for herself when she consciously removes Dialga’s help from the scene. Now she needs to figure out how to stand up for herself without Dialga’s help even when he is present.


Sorry, but I just hate it when he doesn’t remember my name. Calling me ‘whats-your-name’ was pretty much taking away my identity; a blow to my self-confidence.No, Palkia, don’t apologize or make excuses. Latios IS in the wrong for stripping you of your identity by intentionally forgetting your name. Don’t apologize for correcting someone who is actually in the wrong.
I am strong enough to hear what he says to me. I promised myself that I would not cry if he says something I didn’t like. Like I said before, this was part of the reason why I told Dialga not to come. Because in this situation, him defending me would make me look bad in Latios’ eyes. Aside from the tenses, you use “says” and “said” a lot in this section. It might help to use other words in some of these cases to mix up the vocabulary a bit.

“Alright Latias, you were grounded for what?” Latios asked while crossing his arms.

“For disrespecting you,” she answered softly while her head was bowed.

Typical Latias, alright. She’s always disrespecting his word to the point that it’s very annoying. If she pulled that on me, I don’t care how much Dialga likes her; I would have punished her as well.
Again, disobeying =/= disrespecting. Those are two different concepts. They can be related, but the way these scenes look, it seems as though Latios and Palkia equate any form of free-will from Latias as disrespectful to her “master.” It’s creepy.

“… and what do you do? Disrespect me, again,” he said in a stern tone. “You disobeyed my orders. I told you to stay in your room. You know what, you need to learn respect.”

“NO!” she yelled out.

Latios, out of anger, went a little closer to her. The closer he got, the more afraid she got. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to break down; however, being the defiant little girl she is, she would never let him show that he was ready to make her cry.

“Get on your knees,” he ordered as he stood about six inches from her.

However, this time, she actually did what she was ordered to do without hesitation or back talk. She got down on the floor, on her knees and just sat there with her head down. I know that if Dialga were here, she would be defiant about the whole thing, but since he’s not here to protect her, it’s a whole different story. All I was doing at the moment was just letting Latios’ accent flow in my ears. He then turned to me and began to lean on the bar table. And the absolute creepiness of the scene continues. Latios is punishing his sister by humiliating her, and Palkia is sitting back and enjoying Latias’s suffering.

Being forced to get on her knees is humiliating, even more so as she has to just sit there in front of company. Company that takes pleasure in seeing her degraded.

What’s more, the other two then proceed to talk and ignore Latias for the rest of the scene while the young girl is forced to just kneel there, completely still and silent and very uncomfortable, for however long it takes them to finally realize she’s still in the room.

In short, Latios’s punishment of his sister is just plain creepy. Now comes the question: Is this how you want the scene to look? Do you want Latios to come off as an over-the-top, controlling jerk, or as Latias’s parental figure trying to get her to realize she did something wrong? Because as it is, you have “over-the-top, controlling jerk” down to a T.

“Here it goes. You can become strong, Palkia. However, you can never become as strong as Dialga, or me,” Latios said. “I don’t think you’ll even be top ten worthy.” When she’s already at top 13?

I could never become as strong as Latios or Dialga? Why not? This was a question that was racing through my head as soon as I heard him say that. If I’m not at least as strong as those two respected guys or the guys in the top ten, then I’m not strong at all and still in the bottom with all of those girls who don’t do a damn thing but fish and drool over guys. There are a few on the bottom who are great fighters but they are in training. But then again, there might be a logical explanation for this. Just a few points:

How is “13th place” at the bottom? And more importantly . . .

Why is the bottom filled entirely with female characters, and love-sick female characters at that, when the point of writing with this subject matter again is to show that you “aren’t” sexist? You seem to be making a rather glaring statement to the contrary by saying that the bottom of the list is all female.

This isn’t Latios. This isn’t even really Palkia. This is YOU claiming through Palkia’s words that these are just the plain facts of the world, when you as the creator of this world hold it entirely within your power to create an even distribution of power among the sexes.

“Well, Palkia it’s simple. Biologically, men are stronger than women when it comes to combat. We have more, say experience when it comes to battle and strength,” Latios explained.

Now I understand. Most of the Pokemon I have seen in ancient battles have been men. Most of the Pokemon listed in the top ten are male.Palkia doesn’t even so much as attempt to dispute this. Why does she take Latios’s world for it? She was willing to stand up for herself when he refused to remember her name, so why does she just accept this as fact?

Why, when you are trying not to come off as sexist, are you making the top of the list 80% male? Saying that men are just better than women is pretty much the definition of sexism.

Finally, why does she accept this when . . .
In fact, the only females who were on the top are Gothitelle and Gothorita, a seven year old girl. Remarkable huh? A girl, same age as Latias and two inches shorter than her, could beat out, comparatively, a big and powerful guy such as Dialga and an intelligent and powerful guy such as Latios. Those girls ARE strong. Especially, Gothitelle; man that woman can kick butt, and after my meeting here, I would love to just know how she got to be so strong.EVERY SINGLE THING she thinks next suggests that Latios is incorrect on this matter? Not only are both of these examples in the top ten, they are in the top three. As in 2/3 of the top three are women. One of whom is a 7-year-old likely to become even stronger as she grows. Why does Palkia accept Latios’s statement as fact when she herself is able to cite two very compelling arguments to the contrary?

“Yes there is. You need to become strong as a person first. You, Palkia aren’t very strong as a person. I can tell from when you rely on Dialga for everything. Even for him to protect you from what I say to you. My point is that you need to stop being reliant on men to do your work and do it yourself. This is the biggest problem I have with most women,” he explained. Latios is really annoying me right now.

Oh, fun fact. Latias is still on her knees being forgotten by the rest of the room right now, too.

“Yes, and you need to learn how to do things for yourself. This is the reason why I don’t like you; it’s because you’re one of those girls who cling to a man and make them do all the work. You want Dialga to be the one who jumps in to protect you from every little thing. You need to learn how to suck it up, Palkia,” Latios said. “Believe it or not, Palkia, women CAN think for themselves, but I can’t say the same for all of them.” He says even though she clearly made the decision to come here sans Dialga.

And while he punishes Latias for thinking for herself. The very thing he claims he dislikes women for not doing. Latias just can’t win with this guy, can she?

A light blush spread across my face as I tried not to look at him. Me? Have potential? Coming from a guy who doesn’t think highly of girls? That was a HUGE compliment, at least to me. I couldn’t help but smile. I think he’s said this to a few girls but to think I, Palkia, could be one of those girls was a rewarding feeling. Exactly why does Palkia accept this acknowledgement that she has potential from a jerk like Latios while she doesn’t believe it when coming from Dialga?


“Yes, I’d love to. Thank you for the complement,” I said as I was avoiding becoming emotional.

As I stared to walk out the door on to my next destination, I heard him call out to me one last time.

“Palkia, is your next stop going to be Gothitelle’s laboratory?” Latios asked.

“Yes, how come?” I asked him.

“I’ll be coming by there so you might run into me again,” he chuckled. I sense trouble ahead.




-Silver-, I understand that being sexist is part of Latios’s character. At the same time, your world doesn’t have to reflect that sentiment. Palkia doesn’t have to accept it as though it is a universal truth when obvious exceptions exist. Latias doesn’t have to obey her brother like a robot just because he’s a guy, while Palkia doesn’t have to take pleasure in seeing her punished for having a mind of her own. It might help if you give yourself a break from the story until you’ve come to a more thorough understanding of what “sexism” is.

Do you remember the "does it make sense in reverse" exercise I gave you to tell whether you're basing a character's actions on their "character" or their "gender"? Well, does this situation still make sense to you in reverse?

A male Palkia thinks he's weak and needs to become stronger. He goes to a female Latios's house where he sees her punish her little brother for "disrespecting" her yet again. He sits back and enjoys seeing the little boy forced to his knees for thinking he's "all that and a bag of chips" because he disobeyed his older sister. Then they proceed to ignore the boy while the female Latios tells Palkia how he can be strong, but just not as strong as a woman. Palkia accepts this as fact, thinking about all the powerful women on the list and in history. He doesn't even so much as try to defend men by pointing out a powerful man and his 7-year-old son who are at 2nd and 3rd in the list but rather agrees that MOST men are simply reliant on women and that he might be able to become stronger if he doesn't rely on the female Dialga for help. The he heads off to the next destination, all the while ignoring the fact that the boy Latias is still sitting on his knees, unmoving and unspeaking in the kitchen.

When you, -Silver-, read the exact same scenario with the genders reversed, do Palkia's actions still make sense to you? Does Latias's punishment at "his older sister's" hands still seem like something Palkia should enjoy seeing? If it still reads as though the scenario makes sense reversed, it's probably based in their characters. If it seems "off" or "weird" to read the genders reversed, then chances are you based their actions on gender-stereotypes rather than treating them as neutral characters.

Does it make sense to you, the author, in reverse? This should tell you whether you based their actions on their "character" or "gender."

はるひ
19th February 2012, 6:37 AM
I shall fix all the grammar issues later on. I'm going to respond to the later chapter because that one has the most issues, which before I go into that I want to ask if you were joking about the PG10 bit again? Anyway: I did do my research on it however I have changes some parts to some scenes. So, this is what I did: I changed Latios' punishment to go to your room, so that makes it better. Also when I reread that scene with the disobeying, I kinda got the two words mixed up so I shall re do that if I could find the words for it.

I did add a part to their talk. Where Palkia mentions Gothitelle and her kid, I changed the quote to where she mentions him, but Latios kinda dodges the question. I have also changed some parts to Latios' quotes as well. And as for the part about the love sickness, that was supposed to be an exaggeration on Palkia's part. Most of the bottom are girls but they are not love sick. In fact three of them are being taught by the girl who's number two on the list. and most of them are just happy with being them. They don't need a man to be happy.

Also I bumped a character down because he's a special attacker and it needs work, so now there are three females in the top ten.

everything else, I shall reply to later when I fix those tense issues I always run into. As for the spoiler, no it doesn't seem weird to me with the genders reversed.

Ememew
19th February 2012, 8:09 AM
I shall fix all the grammar issues later on. I'm going to respond to the later chapter because that one has the most issues, which before I go into that I want to ask if you were joking about the PG10 bit again?Well, Palkia is taking off Dialga's shirt while in bed with him. I think that's a fair bit closer to "PG-13" than "PG-10." Feel free to ask for a second opinion, but I don't really think it's "10" material.
Anyway: I did do my research on it however I have changes some parts to some scenes. So, this is what I did: I changed Latios' punishment to go to your room, so that makes it better. Also when I reread that scene with the disobeying, I kinda got the two words mixed up so I shall re do that if I could find the words for it.
It's nice to see the punishment changed to something more reasonable. Remember, if you intend a character to come off as reasonable or over-the-top or whatever, their actions need to reflect that. If you want Latios to seem like a frustrated older brother then a more reasonable punishment works better. It's OK to have over-the-top characters if you actually WANT them to seem over the top, but if you want Latios to be more levelheaded, the punishments should fit the crime rather than being so extreme. Being sent to her room makes a lot more sense here than the previous scene.

Maybe "misbehaved" or "broke the rules" could work in place of "disrespected"? Not only do these convey that Latias is in trouble because she doesn't follow "the rules" (as opposed to "her brother's orders"), they also make it seem like Latios takes the misbehavior less personally. She's not (intentionally) insulting her brother by doing things without his permission or breaking house rules, is she? Then a more levelheaded Latios should be able to make this distinction and use punishments that are intended to teach Latias that her actions were wrong, not to break her spirit.

Also I think it would help you portray Latios and Latias's relationship as a protective rather than overbearing one if you give Latias opportunities to disagree with her brother's position on things without being punished for it. Latios should also try to use "positive reinforcement" from time to time (reward Latias for good behavior). As it is, Latias has the option of following her brother's rules and not getting punished or breaking them in order to have any control over her own life and being punished for it. "No punishment" is not a "positive," it's a neutral position, neither helpful nor harmful to Latias. If Latios offered positive reinforcement, like giving Latias a new toy when she does listen to him, then she would have some incentive to do so because she would gain something. Letting her have a say in things would also give her more reason to listen to her brother. If she gets a say in the matter (and yes, even little kids are allowed a say from time to time when disagreeing with their parents if the actions they want to do aren't actually harmful to them), she might feel she has some control over her life and become better able to recognize when Latios's rules actually are reasonable. You could introduce this concept over time by having Latios realize his sister might listen to him more if he gives her some control and positive reinforcement, allowing you to show the siblings growing as characters alongside Palkia.

I did add a part to their talk. Where Palkia mentions Gothitelle and her kid, I changed the quote to where she mentions him, but Latios kinda dodges the question. I have also changed some parts to Latios' quotes as well.
I think it's enough that she actually objects instead of just accepting whatever he says as "that's just how things are." Her objecting to the idea that women can't be strong as men makes her more viable as the character that will show you are learning how to deal with sexism in a more sensitive manner. The fact that Latios doesn't have an answer is actually a good thing here because there actually is no answer other than that women really CAN be equal to men. The problem before, along with some of Latios's dialogue that you have already taken out, was that Palkia just simply agreed with what he said, even though it was sexist.
And as for the part about the love sickness, that was supposed to be an exaggeration on Palkia's part. Most of the bottom are girls but they are not love sick. In fact three of them are being taught by the girl who's number two on the list. and most of them are just happy with being them. They don't need a man to be happy.
Exagerations by the main character are OK, but why does Palkia feel that this statement has enough substance to it to use it this way? If it is just the minority that are love sick, why does Palkia categorize them all this way? Is this generalization of the other female Pokemon something you plan on having Palkia grow out of over the course of the story? I think it *might* be Ok to keep the line IF Palkia eventually learns that the truth is quite different from what she initially thought.

Also, why are there more girls toward the bottom of the list? Why isn't the mix more even throughout? Without providing a solid reason (solid reason = one that ISN'T "girls are weaker than boys"), this distribution of genders in "the list" is problematic.

Also I bumped a character down because he's a special attacker and it needs work, so now there are three females in the top ten.

Out of curiosity, why do you seem to have an aversion to Special attacks? Why do you see them as necessarily weaker than physical ones?

everything else, I shall reply to later when I fix those tense issues I always run into. As for the spoiler, no it doesn't seem weird to me with the genders reversed.
Ok, just remember the questions about the purpose of the list, how Cresselia's already a deity when no one else is, and how on earth Palkia never heard about what space was before are questions I have asked before without a response. Try not to forget about them between saying this and your next round of edits.

bobandbill
19th February 2012, 9:51 AM
4) Always rate it and keep it appropriate.
Always be sure to rate your fic accordingly based its content. Ratings belong in the title or the first post of your fic thread and indicate what readers can expect in regards to mature themes, violence, gore, strong language/swearing, and sexual content. Evading the swear filter is allowed within the context of a story.This is the second time there's been reports about a story of yours not having warnings for abusive relationships/domestic violence/sexism which is a trigger for other people. Please add in warnings or I will close.

And if it happens a third time I'll have to close the thread straightaway.

はるひ
19th February 2012, 4:40 PM
I could understand the sexism since I should I said that from the get-go and maybe the abusive part even though, I fixed it but violence? I put it on the first post anyway.

Question is; does the rating have to change because there's kids stories that have this stuff...

I work very hard on this, it takes me weeks just to figure out a whole part, so I would be sad if my thread were closed.

bobandbill
20th February 2012, 1:05 AM
I could understand the sexism since I should I said that from the get-go and maybe the abusive part even though, I fixed it but violence? I put it on the first post anyway.

Question is; does the rating have to change because there's kids stories that have this stuff...

I work very hard on this, it takes me weeks just to figure out a whole part, so I would be sad if my thread were closed.Domestic violence, which doesn't necessarily involve the physical kind.

I would think PG-10 is too mild for what you have in your story, to be frank.

And sad or not, rules are rules.

はるひ
20th February 2012, 4:56 AM
Before I start with the more recent chapters, I’ll restate a question or two I had earlier. If Cresselia is a deity, why isn’t Palkia one as well? They’re both students at the same school, so they should be roughly the same age, and obviously Cresselia isn’t already done learning because she’s still in school. So why is Cresselia already a moon deity while Palkia isn’t considered a goddess of Space?

Well to be honest, Cresselia is two years older than Palkia however the difference is that Cress doesn’t have much of a family where as Palkia still has hers. So she can’t be considered a full deity. When it comes to school, all Pokemon are different. They are all being taught the basics such as math, reading, PE etc. etc.

It’s hard to explain to be honest.


And why hasn’t Palkia learned what space is from her family? I can (kind of) get her not learning how to use it, but to not have even been told so much as what space IS is hard to swallow, to say the least. Maybe it would help you come up with a solid reason (or otherwise, just decide it really does make more sense to have her know after all) if you figure out what Legendary family life is like before they attend school.

Now that you say it, it DOES make sense for her to at least know what space is. It seems like I cannot use the “because she doesn’t wanna” argument a lot can’t I?

For the list, I’ll explain it in later chapters since there is one Pokemon who made the list and will go into detail about it.


Wow, Palkia’s been pushed over the edge by Cresselia’s teasing, hasn’t she? With a reaction like this, it looks like she’s been holding this frustration in for a long time.

Being teased will make someone do crazy things, especially since this person is one of the main reasons as to why you hate yourself.


Again, nice description of Palkia snapping from being driven to the edge. When she (eventually) learns how to maintain her calm during a fight, she’ll make one powerful battler.

And if she learns that she is indeed powerful…



Hmmm, at the same time as she feels she was able to fight for herself to scare off a bully, she also feels the need to be guarded from the others by Dialga? Or is it her own violent streak she feels Dialga is protecting her from? While the latter works, the former seems to be at a disconnect. I’m just trying to establish what Palkia feels she’s being protected from here, just after she demonstrated she can protect herself from Cresselia.
To be honest, Dialga was trying to protect her from both, and in case the kids try to get to her.


Again, is she crying and feeling the need to be protected because of what she just did or because of what she thinks the others might do to her? I ask because this:
suggests that she’s upset because she lost control and went further than she probably meant to while this:

implies that he’s protecting her from the other Pokémon even though she seems to have emerged the least damaged from her brawl with Cresselia.

Don’t get me wrong, they can have two different interpretations of the same event if that’s what you’re intending here. But I just want to make sure that’s what you are trying to get across.

I was intending it to be both. I mean, he was trying to pull her away from the fight but at the same time, protect her from getting hurt by the other kids.



And why does the teacher just take Cresselia’s word for it? Doesn’t she listen to Palkia’s side of the fight?

But she didn’t even take sides, she just asked what was going on…


Why, after attacking her tormenter, is Palkia unable to articulate a defense for herself to the teacher/other kids? She wants to just retreat while Dialga defends her. I get that her attack was because she snapped from the built up pressure, but does she really have to curl back into her Dialga-reliant ball immediately after the adrenaline runs out?

With everything that’s going on in the classroom, it’s too much for Palkia to take. All she wants is for Dialga to fix the problem for her in this scene. And at that point, she’s just tired.



After a fight in which she badly injures another student, the teacher just stands back and lets her boyfriend carry her out of the building without even the slightest disciplinary consequence for either the fight or for leaving school early? Um, What?

At the same time, the teacher wasn’t paying attention to them. Everyone was so focused on Cresselia at the moment.


Out of curiosity, what is Mrs. Applebee? Is she even a Pokémon at all?

She’s human! :D


Again, her “self”-worth doesn’t even come from herself at this point, so I hope you’re planning to have her learn her own skills when gaining real confidence.

Also, Palkia is coming across as obsessed with strength/power or the lack thereof. It might be a good idea to start exploring the idea that confidence and worth don’t come from battle ability alone. Physical might isn’t the end-all-be-all measure of what makes a person worth anything in this world, right?

It isn’t, in fact, Gothitelle isn’t just respected for her strength but also respected for her wisdom and courage. I say this because well, it’s an example of how power isn’t everything. But to most Pokemon, they think that power makes them more respected. To Palkia, seeing everyone else and Cresselia etc is making her believe that the stronger she is, the more liked she’ll be.

At this point, you have to think like someone who’s been hated because they are not a certain aspect. Take me for example, I’ve been hated and made fun of because I wasn’t perfect looking. But now that I look at it, looks aren’t everything but the way people are, it seems to be like it. I have a role model who is gorgeous, but I liked her mostly because she’s a great singer and her personality. People hate on her for being prettier but hey. I say that because to me, looks aren’t everything.


Ok, just wondering why he jumped to this as the solution.

And why does he also sound like “strength/power is everything”?

Well because knowing Palkia, she wants to be power strong. Tho Dialga doesn’t believe powers are everything, he wants to help his love out, so that’s why the suggestion.



The focus on “strength/power” as Palkia’s only hope to gain self-confidence and worth is worrisome. Just how much focus is placed on combat ability in this world? What does this focus imply for the world? Or is it just Palkia obsessing over strength as the end-all-be-all that makes her think this way, rather than the culture? Again, I ask, does Palkia have any other talents or hobbies that don’t involve stripping Dialga or worrying about being inferior in appearance/power?

In my world, powers aren’t everything, BUT they sure can help you. This is just Palkia obsessing over it because well powers arnt everything.

Talents and hobbies? That’s a good question since I never really gave her any. She can make waffles, does that count?


Oh boy, here we go . . . Why does Palkia dislike Latias? Apparently because she doesn’t obey her brother’s commands without question like a good little servant. You have Palkia, the character the reader sees the world through, saying that Latias is arrogant for not doing what her brother commands. As controlling as her brother is, the only way Latias has any say in her life at all seems to stem from disobeying her brother’s orders, and Palkia says that doing that is wrong. Should Latias act like a robot without a mind of her own? Is that what Palkia feels her place is?

It all goes back to Latias and her new Friends, where Latias was fighting with Palkia because she wanted to send her back to Latios? Where Latios was threating Dialga? All because Latias refused to do what he told her to do in an immature way? That scene is stuck in Palkia’s mind.

Like I said before tho, I am working on separating disobeying from disrespecting.



and Palkia is sitting back and enjoying Latias’s suffering.

What made you think she was enjoying it? (tho I changed the scene)


Exactly why does Palkia accept this acknowledgement that she has potential from a jerk like Latios while she doesn’t believe it when coming from Dialga?

I’m kinda confused on this one. She accepts it from Latios because one, he’s strong and two coming from someone who doesn’t think highly of some girls out there and plus Latios doesn’t like Palkia, yet he’s learning to respect her. She also accepts it from Dialga as well.


This chapter has weird jokes, beautiful girls and battles :D

During my long walk from Latios’ house, I finally came across the laboratory. From a distance, it looked like a huge white one story building, with gates built around it on the sides. However, it had no gate on the front of the building. In the front, it looked like an ordinary home, but inside, it was a different story. Believe me, it was almost like a mansion adorned with machinery. It was pretty huge alright and it also had a battle school in the back if I remembered the last time I visited.

As I walked up to the door and knocked, I was thinking of the many things Latios was saying to me. I felt flattered that he felt that I could be strong and that I had potential, but to never be in the top ten saddens me. Mainly because that was one of my goals for when I became stronger; secure a place amongst the top ten strongest Pokemon. Problem is that there was truth to what Latios told me. Most of everyone on the top ten was male. There were only three females on the list; and two of them were much respected females to boot. One of them, well I should say two; I’m waiting to ask right about now. Also, maybe I could talk to the other League members.

I stood there, just reading over my notes I jotted down from Latios until, the door started to open. I looked, and there stood this girl, a tall girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin and was sporting a blue bikini. This girl looked a lot like Cresselia; however this girl happened to be prettier. Her back length blonde hair, which was curly, was lighter and so was her tan to a point that it looked perfect. She was also taller as well, model tall to be exact. In fact, while looking at this girl, I swore I’ve seen her on a cover of Teen Pokemon, where she posed with Giratina, the young one.

“Oh, hello… ummm…” I said as I was trying to remember her name. It’s there but I can’t wrap my tongue around it.

“Milotic… the name’s Milotic if that’s what you’re trying to figure out,” she said in her normal English accent.

Bingo! That’s the one; this is the girl who posed with Giratina on the Teen Pokemon cover. Man, you have to be pretty darn good looking to be in that magazine let alone be on the cover. Not only that, but this girl had been trying to get with the love of my life before, even when I was right there. She eventually stopped but now she’s after another man, using her fem charm and her body. Which to say, I envy so much. I wish that could be me, with the perfect figure, getting all the guys’ attention.

“Oh.., my bad, I forgot,” I said as I rolled my eyes at her.

“Seriously, Palkia, how could you NOT know who I am?” Milotic smirked as she twirled a piece of her platinum blonde hair.

“Whatever,” I scoffed.

Not to be rude but sometimes the way she presents herself comes off as very annoying. She’s always bragging about how beautiful she is and how she is well known. It gets very aggravating and it makes me feel even worse about myself. It makes me feel uglier and worthless by the minute and it’s because I could never be as beautiful or popular as she is.

“Sorry, Milotic but do you know if Gothitelle is around? I came to see her,” I said while playing with my pen.

“She’s here, but she’s out back. However, I don’t think she’d mind if there was another visitor…” she replied. “Just follow me in.”

‘Another visitor?’ I thought to myself. ‘Who else is here?’ I followed Milotic inside the house, down the long hallway adorned with family and team photos on the walls. At the end, I could see a huge, circular, white dining table in the kitchen area. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could also see the laboratory on the left side. The kitchen itself was rather plain. There were no patterns or color; just plain white and clean spaces. To my right, was the living room which was also as plain and big as the kitchen. Yet more interesting because when others come over, they usually watch TV on the big screen, play video games or play board games.

Sitting at the table was a cream colored haired young man. He sported parts of his hair in a rather spikey fashion, which bears a resemblance to icicles. He also had a plain light blue sweater and off-white pants. Despite this guy being an ice type, he was relatively tan for this typing. Normally, they would be almost as pale as I was, so it always amazes me as to how he would develop a light color that was almost similar to what Milotic had.

“Hey, Milotic, what about our battle?” the young man asked as he gave her a smirk.

“I had to answer the door here,” she said as she smoothed her hair and went over to him. He made some room for her on his seat as she went over and sat right next to him.

“Oh! Hey Palkia!” he said as he noticed that I was there. “Please, have a seat.”

I pulled up a chair and sat down, across from the two. Milotic was hanging on the man's arm while leaning on him and he was busy doing something on his P-Phone. Just looking at them, they seemed like a couple, though, they really weren’t. Nonetheless, I waited with my pad and pen, still looking over my notes. However, then I looked at the pair once again, I had an idea. I could ask them for their take on becoming strong. Yes... even Milotic. I think she’s more than just a perfect figure, but also powerful. I mean, Cresselia is a beautiful girl as well and she’s powerful.

“Hey guys,” I asked. “How do you become so strong?”

“Well… I don’t know how she becomes strong, but with me, I just practice my powers every day,” he said. "Oh and by the way, Milotic, can you please not hang on my arm?"

‘Practice every day…’ I thought to myself as I wrote that down on a clean piece of pad paper. Well I do practice my powers, but not every day. Maybe this could be something I could work on. The more practice I have, the more I can accomplish with my even worthless powers.

“Well… practicing, yes but if Vanilluxe was right about one thing, it’s that he doesn’t know how I became stronger,” Milotic smirked as she let go of his arm. “Anyway, pageants aren’t just about your looks, but it’s also about your powers. Judges pretty much score you based on the way you carry yourself during a battle.”

“Wait… you battle… other beauty pageant contestants?” Vanilluxe asked.

“Yep, we do. I’ve won each and every one of them,” she bragged.

Wow, even pageant contestants are very powerful, which makes me even more envious. They are beautiful and powerful, two things I could dream of being. Trust me, if I were both, I would be the happiest girl in the world, seriously. Maybe in the future I’d ask Milotic how she got to look the way she does.

“I see. Anyway, what about your battle? Maybe I could get some inspiration from your brawl,” I suggested as I put down my pen.

“Actually, Palkia that’s great, but I was wondering if you could be our referee for this fight,” Vanilluxe suggested.

You know, that’s not a bad idea. If I observe their fight, maybe I could get a better understanding of not only how to battle but on how to be stronger. “Sure!” I exclaimed as I stood up with my pad and pen, flipping to a new page.

They also stood up from their seat as well, distancing themselves about five feet apart. I came a little bit closer to the middle to call the fight. I raised my hand as I started to call it:

“Ready… set… battle!” I exclaimed.

As soon as my hand went down, the battle began.

“I’m gonna get so hard to beat in this battle,” the cream haired man bragged as he licked his lips in a mocking manor.

“Oh really?” Milotic giggled.

“Yep,” Vanilluxe chuckled. "Let's get this on!"

For her first attack, Milotic bent over and blew an endearing kiss at her opponent. She also flashed her piercing blue eyes at him, making sure that, in the moment, they met his piercing gray eyes. It may not seem like much of a strategy, however, Captivate causes the foe of the opposite gender to let their guard down. So in the process, their special attacks get weaker by two stages. When I looked at her foe, it seemed as if he could feel himself getting weaker by the minute. He just stood there, looking at the pretty teenage girl as if he was in love with her.

Vanilluxe then tore his gaze off the girl and retaliates by using a physical attack. Which was smart on his end because Captivate only lowered his special attack, where as his physical was fine. He used Ice Shard, where his fingers were starting to transform into long dull icicles. He then swiped his hands at his feisty opponent, scratching her face. She doesn’t have a great physical defense, however, the attack didn’t do much damage due to Milotic being a water type and ice type moves are not so effective on those types.

The blonde haired girl then narrowed her blue eyes as she stuck her right hand right in front of her, trying hard to focus directly on her target. When she did that, she summoned a huge stream of water, from it, so powerful that it knocked her ice type opponent into the table. Hydro Pump was indeed a powerful move. Water type attacks do neutral damage to an ice type; however, since this move’s power was 120, it got rid of more than half his battle energy.

“Oh yea? Two can play that game!” the agitated young man said as he got up from the ground and dusted himself off.

He then raised his arms for a few seconds in a high V and then lowered them. Vanilluxe narrowed his eyes as he stared at Milotic hard. All of a sudden, this cold wind picks up from inside the house, wrapping a bit itself around his opponent. I could see a whole mess of snow being carried over by the winds, making itself into a blizzard. As of now, the whole kitchen was covered with about an inch of snow. The wind stopped; however, I could see that Milotic was freezing. I felt bad for her because she as only wearing a bathing suit and having to deal with the snow. Though the Blizzard attack’s power was 120, it left a little bit of energy on her part. Had Milotic not used Captivate on her first turn, she would have been history. Smart thinking.

“V-v-v-very f-f-f-funny!” she yelled as she was shivering.

Milotic was so cold, that she couldn’t think of what attack to do next. At any rate, it looked like she’s got him. I mean, Vanilluxe had less of his HP left, and if her next attack was one that could do neutral damage, he’s done for. As she was trying to figure out what to do for her finishing blow, we could hear an angry woman’s voice coming closer to the kitchen.

“How many times do I have to tell you?” a familiar voice asked as it made its way to where we were standing.

We all looked toward the hallway and see a woman, looking very angry. She stood there with her arms crossed, narrowing her aqua eyes at Vanilluxe. This girl was very… curvatious to say. She was thin, but she wasn’t pageant thin. She was dressed in black, had a somewhat short black t-shirt on along with black pants with her chained weapon wrapped around her hips as a belt. Her black hair was about mid back length and a small part of it was tied with a white bow. This girl was gorgeous, but she was so intimidating, that all I could do was cower at her presence.

“I’ve told you many times, not to have battles in the house!” she yelled out in a stern voice.

“But, I managed to get the Blizzard to only happen in the kitchen,” Vanilluxe said in a voice that sounded like he was aggravated. “I didn’t get any of your machinery.”

“Still, I’ve said no battles in the house, Vanilluxe. I’ve said it many times but you don’t listen,” she retorted.

He came closer to the upset female and took her hand. “… and I apologize,” he started to say. “I promise you, Gothitelle that I will clean up ALL the snow from the kitchen.”

“Hm… very well then. I shall leave you to your devices,” Gothitelle said as she started to leave out the hallway.

However, before she could do that, I quickly got up from there I was crouching and proceeded to call out to her. “Hey wait!” I called out. I could hear the door opening and closing, however, I was a bit too excited about the events to check out who it was.

She turned around and looked me right in the eye. “What can I do for you, Palkia?”

“I need your advice. You see, I’m on a personal mission to ask all the Pokemon in the top five how they become stronger. I’ve already asked one of them, so my next stop was you since I already have Dialga,” I replied as I put my notes on the table.

“Well Palkia I can guide you, as long as you know that the journey is yours to take. Right now, I have to finish up my work but when I come back, I will help you,” Gothitelle said as she shook her head and left.

All I could do is smile, because now I’ll be able to get some information from one of the greatest fighters of all time. I began to collect all kinds of questions in my mind. Such as: how do you become so strong? Or, what are the best powers to have? Maybe, an important one would be: as a girl, how did you get to be stronger than most of the guys? So many questions in my head, but, seeing that Gothitelle is a very important and busy woman, I won’t bombard her with my childish questions.

"So, anyone want to help an old coot clean up some snow?" Vanilluxe asked as he got out a shovel.

I’ll think if smart questions to ask her, after I help Vanilluxe and Milotic clean up the snow.

Ememew
22nd February 2012, 9:30 PM
Well to be honest, Cresselia is two years older than Palkia however the difference is that Cress doesn’t have much of a family where as Palkia still has hers. So she can’t be considered a full deity. When it comes to school, all Pokemon are different. They are all being taught the basics such as math, reading, PE etc. etc.

It’s hard to explain to be honest.
Do you mean that Cresselia was promoted early because there were more goddess positions open for Cresselia than for other species (i.e. a previous Moon Goddess died/retired, and Cresselia inherited her position)? If that’s the case, you explained it adequately enough. Otherwise, let me know if I misinterpreted it.

Anyway, if this is the case, then work it into the story itself at some point rather than just in the replies. It can help you develop Cresselia’s character. Does she feel especially pressured because she became a goddess at such a young age, and that’s why she takes her frustrations out on Palkia? Does she miss the previous Moon Goddess, assuming she knew the Pokémon who left the goddess slot empty? There are ways you might want to consider using in order to work your explanation into the story.
Now that you say it, it DOES make sense for her to at least know what space is. It seems like I cannot use the “because she doesn’t wanna” argument a lot can’t I?Yep, you will need to have her know what Space is.
For the list, I’ll explain it in later chapters since there is one Pokemon who made the list and will go into detail about it.Good. Since it’s important to the story, it needs to be explored in the story.
Being teased will make someone do crazy things, especially since this person is one of the main reasons as to why you hate yourself.And this is something you portrayed well.

But she didn’t even take sides, she just asked what was going on…I get that much, but since Palkia and Dialga leave the scene, the only side Mrs. Applebee will hear is Cresselia’s. Fleeing the scene prevents Palkia from telling her side of the story and will likely make her side less believable by the teacher when she finally returns to tell it.

I’m just trying to make sure you understand that there will likely be consequences for leaving before Palkia can tell her side of things.

She’s human! :D Out of curiosity, why is a human teaching Pokémon? What’s the ratio of humans to Pokémon in human form in this world? Do they usually get along, or are their conflicts?




It isn’t, in fact, Gothitelle isn’t just respected for her strength but also respected for her wisdom and courage. I say this because well, it’s an example of how power isn’t everything. But to most Pokemon, they think that power makes them more respected. To Palkia, seeing everyone else and Cresselia etc is making her believe that the stronger she is, the more liked she’ll be. This is OK, as it shows Palkia’s current way of thinking. But I hope to see her way of thinking evolve as the fic continues.

Well because knowing Palkia, she wants to be power strong. Tho Dialga doesn’t believe powers are everything, he wants to help his love out, so that’s why the suggestion.I meant something more along the lines of: why is “ask the top 5” the first solution that comes to mind?

It all goes back to Latias and her new Friends, where Latias was fighting with Palkia because she wanted to send her back to Latios? Where Latios was threating Dialga? All because Latias refused to do what he told her to do in an immature way? That scene is stuck in Palkia’s mind. Escaping and seeking protection from someone who, by all appearances, wants to harm you and anyone who tries to help you is “immature” now?

Like I said before tho, I am working on separating disobeying from disrespecting.Did you look at my suggestions in a previous post?

What made you think she was enjoying it? (tho I changed the scene) Well, she spoke as though Latias deserved what she got. Keep in mind that this was back when the punishment was Latias being commanded to kneel on the kitchen floor indefinitely rather than a more reasonable punishment like being sent to her room. She “let Latios’s accent flow into her ears” also sort of sounds like she enjoys the sound of Latios’s voice as he’s punishing Latias. She’s enjoying what he’s saying as much as how he says it, and what he was saying was his method of discipline.

I’m kinda confused on this one. She accepts it from Latios because one, he’s strong and two coming from someone who doesn’t think highly of some girls out there and plus Latios doesn’t like Palkia, yet he’s learning to respect her. She also accepts it from Dialga as well. It just seemed like earlier, when Dialga tried to get her to learn her own power, she rejected the idea that she could be strong because her powers were “useless.” That’s where I got that she didn’t believe it when coming from Dialga.
On to the chapter, then.

During my long walk from Latios’ house, I finally came across the laboratory. From a distance, it looked like a huge white one story building, with gates built around it on the sides. However, it had no gate on the front of the building. In the front, it looked like an ordinary home, but inside, it was a different story. Believe me, it was almost like a mansion adorned with machinery. It was pretty huge alright and it also had a battle school in the back if I remembered the last time I visited.
There should be a comma between huge and white, as these are a series of descriptive words.

Do you mean “if I remembered correctly from the last time I visited”?

As I walked up to the door and knocked, I was thinking of the many things Latios was saying to me. I felt flattered that he felt that I could be strong and that I had potential, but to never be in the top ten saddens me. Mainly because that was one of my goals for when I became stronger; secure a place amongst the top ten strongest Pokemon. Problem is that there was truth to what Latios told me. Most of everyone on the top ten was male. There were only three females on the list; and two of them were much respected females to boot. One of them, well I should say two; I’m waiting to ask right about now. Also, maybe I could talk to the other League members. the bolded “was saying” might work better as “had said.”

In your revised list, Palkia was already number 12, I believe. Isn’t that already pretty close to the top 10?
I stood there, just reading over my notes I jotted down from Latios until, the door started to open. I looked, and there stood this girl, a tall girl with blonde hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin and was sporting a blue bikini. This girl looked a lot like Cresselia; however this girl happened to be prettier. Her back length blonde hair, which was curly, was lighter and so was her tan to a point that it looked perfect. She was also taller as well, model tall to be exact. In fact, while looking at this girl, I swore I’ve seen her on a cover of Teen Pokemon, where she posed with Giratina, the young one. You don’t need the comma between “until” and “the.”

Why is Milotic wearing a bikini?
Bingo! That’s the one; this is the girl who posed with Giratina on the Teen Pokemon cover. Man, you have to be pretty darn good looking to be in that magazine let alone be on the cover. Not only that, but this girl had been trying to get with the love of my life before, even when I was right there. She eventually stopped but now she’s after other men, using her fem charm and her body. Which to say, I envy so much. I wish that could be me, with the perfect figure, getting all the guys’ attention.Ummm….
….
………..

Here we go again with the emphasis on being attractive to males being what defines a female Pokémon’s worth. Please, please, try to expand Palkia’s worldview beyond this rather limited aspect. There is so much more to a character than whether or not she’s good at attracting a mate.
Not to be rude but sometimes the way she presents herself comes off as very annoying. She’s always bragging about how beautiful she is and how she is well known. It gets very aggravating and it makes me feel even worse about myself. It makes me feel uglier and worthless by the minute and it’s because I could never be as beautiful or popular as she is.I think you need a “more” between “and” and “worthless.”

What’s aggravating me at the moment is the fact that Palkia bases “worth” on beauty and popularity. These are not what makes a person worthy. Please, Palkia, grow out of this . . .
To my right, was the living room which was also as plain and big as the kitchen. Yet more interesting because when others come over, they usually watch TV on the big screen, play video games, or play board games Maybe add “that room/the living room was” after yet, as this will add a subject to the sentence. The comma between over and they is unneeded. The plainness of the room helps describe Gothitelle’s personality by letting the reader know she likes to keep the place uncluttered. Good use of description like this can help you establish Palkia’s personality as well if you give her her own space (instead of just having only Dialga’s stuff in their shared house).
Sitting at the table was a cream colored haired young man. He sported parts of his hair in a rather spikey fashion, which bears a resemblance to icicles. He also had a plain light blue sweater and off-white pants. Despite this guy being an ice type, he was relatively tan for this typing. Normally, they would be almost as pale as I was, so it always amazes me as to how he would develop a light color that was almost similar to what Milotic had.Mostly just tense issues here.
“I had to answer the door here,” she said seductively as she went over to him and proceeded to sit on his lap.
Oh! Hey Palkia!” he said as he noticed that I was there. “Please, have a seat.”

I pulled up a chair and sat down, across from the two. Just looking at them, they seemed like a couple, though, they really weren’t.If they’re not a couple, what does Milotic’s speaking seductively and sitting in his lap have to do with his request for a battle?
Nonetheless, I waited with my pad and pen, still looking over my notes. However, then I looked at the pair once again, I had an idea. I could ask them for their take on becoming strong. Yes... even Milotic. I think she’s more than just a perfect figure, but also powerful. I mean, Cresselia is a beautiful girl as well and she’s powerful. Again with Palkia associating strength with beauty. Having one “positive” quality does not automatically grant others. There is also so much more to a person than these two traits . . .
Well I do practice my powers, but not every day. Maybe this could be something I could work on. The more practice I have, the more I can accomplish with my even worthless powers. She practices with her own powers now? Good, but since when? The first chapter implied that she didn’t know how to use them at all.
“Well… practicing, yes but if Vanilluxe was right about one thing, it’s that he doesn’t know how I became stronger,” Milotic smirked. “Anyway, pageants aren’t just about your looks, but it’s also about your powers. Judges pretty much score you based on the way you carry yourself during a battle.”

“Wait… you battle… other beauty pageant contestants?” Vanilluxe asked.

“Yep, we do. I’ve won each and every one of them,” she bragged. Are their pageants based on the “Contests” of the anime, then? Also, if the pageants are a common event, why don’t Palkia and Vanilluxe know battling is a part of it?
Wow, even pageant contestants are very powerful, which makes me even more envious. They are beautiful and powerful, two things I could dream of being. Trust me, if I were both, I would be the happiest girl in the world, seriously. Maybe in the future I’d ask Milotic how she got to look the way she does. Genetics. That, or a lot of Dry Poffins.

Which raises the question, do Pokémon in human form evolve? Was Milotic a Feebas before?

Anyway, how long should I expect this story to last before Palkia starts aspiring to be something more than a beauty queen who can battle well?
You know, that’s not a bad idea. If I observe their fight, maybe I could get a better understanding of not only how to battle but of how to be stronger. “Sure!” I exclaimed as I stood up with my pad and pen, flipping to a new page.Tense issues.


Vanilluxe vs. Milotic
Do you need to announce the battle like this? Just curious, as it seems as though unless Palkia’s actually saying this aloud, it’s a little unnecessary to include it as we already know the two are battling.

For her first attack, Milotic bent over and blew an endearing kiss at her opponent. She also flashed her piercing blue eyes at him, making sure that, in the moment, they met his piercing gray eyes. It may not seem like much of a strategy, however, Captivate causes the foe of the opposite gender to let their guard down. So in the process, their special attacks get weaker by two stages. When I looked at her foe, it seemed as if he could feel himself getting weaker by the minute. He just stood there, looking at the pretty teenage girl as if he was in love with her.

Vanilluxe then tore his gaze off the girl and retaliates by using a physical attack. Which was smart on his end because Captivate only lowered his special attack, whereas his physical was fine. He used Ice Punch, which his right fist turned into a big block of ice as he swung with all his might, at his feisty opponent. She doesn’t have a great physical defense, however, the attack didn’t do much damage due to Milotic being a water type and ice type moves are not so effective on those types.Tense issues, and the first “Which” might be better as “this.” The second bolded which should probably be an “and”. Drop the bold comma.
The blonde haired girl then narrowed her blue eyes as she stuck her right hand right in front of her, trying hard to focus directly on her target. When she did that, she summoned a huge stream of water, from it, so powerful that it knocked her ice type opponent into the table. Hydro Pump was indeed a powerful move. Water type attacks do neutral damage to an ice type; however, since this move’s power was 120, it got rid of more than half his battle energy.I think you should drop the commas around “from it.”
He then raised his arms for a few seconds in a high V and then lowered them. Vanilluxe narrowed his eyes as he stared at Milotic hard. All of a sudden, this cold wind picks up from inside the house, wrapping a bit itself around his opponent. I could see a whole mess of snow being carried over by the winds, making itself into a blizzard. As of now, the whole kitchen was covered with about an inch of snow. The wind stopped; however, I could see that Milotic was freezing. I felt bad for her because she as only wearing a bathing suit and having to deal with the snow. Though the Blizzard attack’s power was 120, it left a little bit of energy on her part. Had Milotic not used Captivate on her first turn, she would have been history. Smart thinking.”When the wind stopped, however, I could see . . .” or “The wind stopped, however, and I could see…” might be better.

Again, why is she only wearing a bikini in the first place?
Milotic was so cold, that she couldn’t think of what attack to do next. At any rate, it looked like she’s got him. I mean, Vanilluxe had less of his HP left, and if her next attack was one that could do neutral damage, he’s done for. As she was trying to figure out what to do for her finishing blow, we could hear an angry woman’s voice coming closer to the kitchen.You don’t need the bold comma.


Battle abruptly ends!
Again, this isn’t really doing much for the story as we can tell that the battle abruptly ends without it being directly stated.

We all looked toward the hallway and see a woman, looking very angry. She stood there with her arms crossed, narrowing her aqua eyes at Vanilluxe. This girl was very… curvatious to say. She was thin, but she wasn’t pageant thin. She was dressed in black, had a somewhat short black t-shirt on along with black pants with her chained weapon wrapped around her hips as a belt. Her black hair was about mid back length and a small part of it was tied with a white bow. This girl was gorgeous, but she was so intimidating, that all I could do was cower at her presence. You introduced Gothitelle as an adult woman. Girl implies a child. Stick with woman (and does every female character who is strong also have to be described as pretty?).
However, before she could do that, I quickly got up from there I was crouching and proceeded to call out to her. “Hey wait!” I called out. I could hear the door opening and closing, however, I was a bit too excited about the events to check out who it was.The bolded is repetitive, maybe change the latter to “shouted” or “yelled”?
All I could do is smile, because now I’ll be able to get some information from one of the greatest fighters of all time. I began to collect all kinds of questions in my mind. Such as: how do you become so strong? Or, what are the best powers to have? Maybe, an important one would be: as a girl, how did you get to be stronger than most of the guys? So many questions in my head, but, seeing that Gothitelle is a very important and busy woman, I won’t bombard her with my childish questions.

I’ll think if smart questions to ask her, after I help Vanilluxe and Milotic clean up the snow. If should be of.

I’m concerned with the idea that all of the powerful women also have to be good looking. People in real life have varied strengths and weaknesses, and beauty and strength are not the only qualities one can possess. The battle itself was interesting, though, as you kept up a good, fast pace for the fighters.

はるひ
12th March 2012, 5:12 AM
It's been sometime since I posted but I have another part to the story, Been busy focusing on the games and where this story is going to go. This chapter has a discussion about the Latios incident so I think I'm supposed to warn you that they are talking about Latios' not so high approval of girls

Wow, if I thought that cleaning up all that snow was easy… I was dead wrong. There was over an inch of snow in this rather small kitchen and picking it up was very hard work. I sat at the table, exhausted and out of breath as I tried to reach for my notes. However, they weren’t on the table at all. I frantically scanned the top of the table and rummaging through papers for my note pad, but there was no cigar.

“Where’s my notes?!” I whined as I almost started to cry.

Those notes were very important to not only my mission but to my self-confidence. They had everything I’ve jotted down so far from Latios and I’m going to need to study them along other notes I’d write in the future. In short, I need them to become stronger. When I realized that the key to my path to self-confidence could be missing, I started to cry. However, that was interrupted abruptly by a hand clamping on my arm. A rather chilly hand to be exact. Though, I didn’t really have a weakness to ice, it was so cold that I was trying to hard not to twitch.

“Palkia, seriously?” Vanilluxe said in a stern voice.

I looked up at him as he was narrowing his piercing gray eyes at me. From the expression he had on his face, he wasn’t all too happy with me. As I looked into his eyes, I felt myself shaking not only out of fear, but from the coldness of his hand. I tried to wiggle my arm from his grasp but he was just too strong to the point where I couldn’t even twist my arm around.

“Now, I will tell you that I do NOT tolerate people whining. Alright? Now, think of where on the table you last had your notes. I think maybe they fell down,” he suggested as he took his hand off my arm.

Following that, I got up from my seat and knelt to get a better look from under the table. So far, there was nothing, not even dust was around. I crawled under the table to see if there was any place else it would have fallen. I stretched out my arm and felt underneath the table to see if I could feel my note pad. I need those notes, I thought to myself as I kept feeling around for them. Then, I could feel a light tap on my shoulder.

In shock, I quickly got up from under the table and turned around. I saw a young girl, standing there behind me, with my note pad in her hand. However, this wasn’t just any little girl. When I looked up at her, I could see Gothitelle. Except for the fact that she had longer hair and wore a light black trench coat dress and wore bow ties on her neck, along her dress and both wrists, she looked just like her. I got up from where I was kneeling and reached for my pad. She gave me my pad and she ran her hand through her hair.

“Here, Palkia. I saw that you were taking notes on how to be stronger, so I was looking at your written page to see if you were getting the right information,” the girl said.

“T-thanks, but, how did you know what was my mission?” I asked.

“You had the names of everyone in the top 5 written on the front sheet and you wrote down ‘ask for ideas on how to be strong’. So that’s how I knew,” she replied. “Also I saw that you crossed off Latios’ name on your page. So I took it as you already spoke to him since I saw you had a whole page written with stuff he said to you.”

Man this girl is smart. Yes it was true, I wrote down their names so that I could remember everyone I was supposed to talk to. I also wanted to keep track, as I said before, of everything that they say to me so that I could look them over and study them. The more I study them the more I could take in the advice given to me an act on it, to make myself and my powers better.

When I opened my note pad, however, I saw that a page was ripped out. An important page to be exact, this was the one where I’ve written my notes from Latios. And now that it’s missing, I start to panic. However, careful not to whine again and annoy a certain ice type Pokemon, I turned to him and the girl and there, I saw that he was holding the ripped page. As he was scanning the page, he looked up at me and raised his eyebrow at me and then looked down to keep reading the page.

“Sorry Palkia, I saw your notes from Latios and I didn’t like what I read, so my dad’s reading it,” the girl said as she looked up at Vanilluxe reading the page.

He then folded the page in half and handed it over to the young girl as he whispered some things to her. As soon she walked away with my page, I quickly got up and tried to run after her. However, I felt, once again, Vanilluxe’s cold hand clamping on my wrist. He was trying to keep me from either going into certain parts of the house or chasing after her. Either way, my frustration has gone up quite a bit. This little girl has taken off with my important notes, notes I need to become stronger.

“Sit back down, Palkia,” he said in a stern voice.

“But she has my notes!” I yelled as I tried to break free from his grasp.

“Sit. Back. Down. I will explain it as soon as you do that,” he said in a more agitated tone.

Hearing that he was going to explain, I did what he said and sat back down on my chair. I was trying to fight back tears as I was waiting for him to tell me. What if this girl doesn’t return my page? What is she going to do with it? Those were the questions that were running through my mind at the moment. I was very confused, and so was Milotic as she just sat there in her own chair looking around.

“Now Palkia, I know you’re confused and frustrated, but, I’ve told Gothorita to take the paper to Gothitelle so that she could get a read on it, alright?” Vanilluxe said as he was trying to explain everything to me.

“I understand, but why didn’t she like my notes?” I asked.

I was puzzled as to why Gothorita didn’t like what she read. I mean, I made sure to listen to Latios as he spoke to me. Maybe I said something wrong or maybe there was a detail he left out. But for whatever reason, I sat there, confused. Latios is a very intelligent man and I think what he says has truth to it.

“So… you talked to Latios?” Milotic asked.

“Yes I did, before I came here. Some drama here and there but I got what I needed from him. Plus he told me that I had potential,” I answered.

“Lucky you! He doesn’t like me at all,” she laughed. “Anyway, I’m sorry, go on.”

Vanilluxe got up from his original seat and proceeded to sit in the seat that was on the left side of the table from where I was sitting. Close to me and across from Milotic.

“Now Palkia, after reading those notes of yours, I was pissed to be honest. Not at you, but at Latios. Not only did Gothorita didn’t like what she read, but neither did I. I want to tell you that as a man, your gender has no bearing on how strong you can be. You can be as strong as any man if you believe you can. In fact, I’m male and I have two girls who are stronger than me! My own wife and daughter, can you believe it?” he started to chuckle towards the end.

“It is weird that a seven year old could out match a twenty-six year old,” I laughed.

“Now then, I would take everything Latios says to you with a grain of salt. I say that because you know that Latios doesn’t think highly of girls, right? Hell, he doesn’t think highly of his own girlfriend. Like you, he tells her that she has potential, but what it really means is that you have potential to be strong but not as strong as a man. He’ll challenge you to battle when you become stronger, but only because he’s super confident he could beat you. How do I know? Because he’s told Gothorita the same thing some time ago.

He told her that she had potential to be stronger while she was training herself and asked her to battle him when she was strong enough, although she was. So being the strong little girl she was, she challenged him at that very moment. He was hesitant because one she was a girl and two she was very young. But after insisting, he agreed to battle her. Guess what? She kicked his butt, and he was pissed,” Vanilluxe said as he was telling his story.

I would understand why Latios would be upset. To be male and lose to a girl is embarrassing, but to lose to a seven year old girl who’s more than half your height, what would be enough to not show my face. Especially since if I was very strong. I could sympathize with him on a level but he would have to get over it. In fact, maybe that’s the reason as to why when I brought up Gothitelle and Gothorita in our conversation, he dodged it. He was too embarrassed to admit that two girls were more competent than he was.

“I could understand, but he would have to get over it. He’s still a man,” I replied.

“To be honest with you, I wouldn’t say he’s a man per say. I call him a guy, he’s male but he’s too immature to be considered a man. I hate to toot my own horn, but at least I am secure in myself to get over the fact that my wife and daughter are stronger and better battlers than me and not let it bother me. Being a better battler does not reflect what kind of person I am. Or a better example would be Gallade and Charizard. Those guys aren’t the strongest guys out there. In fact, if I remembered correctly, you are higher on the list than they are. However, they know that it has no bearing as to who they are as Pokemon,” he explained.

That is true. There are some Pokemon who don’t care about their placement on the list because they don’t let it define them. Heck, there are Pokemon who don’t even want to be on the list because of that reason. They don’t want to be judged or hurt by their placement and that’s okay to. For me, personally, I look at is as progress. Am I getting stronger to a point where I could move up a spot? Would I have people asking me to battle them? If that happened, I would be happy.

“I don’t want to take away from my wife’s future advice but my point to you is that I think you should inspire to be something more than just someone who can battle well competitively. And if someone says something like what Latios told you, question it. It shows strength mentally to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I respect him as a competitive battler because he gets me going, however, as a person I don’t like him. He can be a better Pokemon, but he needs to be secure in himself. So do you, Palkia. You can be strong if you believe you can,” Vanilluxe concluded.

Yes, Latios is still stronger however hearing everything I’m hearing, I’m starting to wonder about him. However, if I see him, I wouldn’t confront him with this. It isn’t my place to do it. Instead, I just thanked Vanilluxe for taking the time to give me advice.

“Changing the subject, since Milotic has been left out,” he said as he winked at the blonde haired girl sitting across from him. “If Gothitelle didn’t end the battle, who would have won?”

“Well, since you only had under half your HP left, Vanilluxe and it was her go at the time, she would have won the battle,” I replied with a smile.

Milotic sprang from her chair, jumping for joy. “Yes! You got beat by a fourteen year old girl!” she said in sing-song.

Vanilluxe just smiled at the teenage girl has he stuck is hand out for her to shake it. As they both shook hands, “Great battle!” he exclaimed.

As we were all laughing along, we could hear the doorbell ring. We all looked at the door, wondering who could be here. Milotic got up from her chair and pranced to the door. I turned back around and just rested my head on the hard surface. All I wanted was to get some advice from Gothitelle at this point and leave. And hope and pray that Gothorita returns with my page. While I was in my train of thought, I could hear a very familiar accent making its way towards where I was sitting. It sounded very annoyed and presumably annoyed at Milotic.

“We meet again, Palkia!” the voice exclaimed as I felt the pressure of someone touching my shoulder.

Ememew
13th March 2012, 6:56 AM
Wow, if I thought that cleaning up all that snow was easy… I was dead wrong. There was over an inch of snow in this rather small kitchen and picking it up was very hard work. I sat at the table, exhausted and out of breath as I tried to reach for my notes. However, they weren’t on the table at all. I frantically scanned the top of the table and rummaging through papers for my note pad, but there was no cigar.Rummaging should be rummaged to keep it past tense.

The bolded phrase reads a little awkwardly. I think maybe adding a bit “…I thought that cleaning up all that snow was going to be easy . . . .” might help it read better.

So how did they get rid of the snow exactly? You just say they picked it up. Did they shovel it outside or just melt it and wash it down the kitchen sink? It’s OK as it is, but it might be better with a brief mention of where the snow went.

Those notes were very important to not only my mission but to my self-confidence. They had everything I’ve jotted down so far from Latios and I’m going to need to study them along other notes I’d write in the future. In short, I need them to become stronger. When I realized that the key to my path to self-confidence could be missing, I started to cry. However, that was interrupted abruptly by a hand clamping on my arm. A rather chilly hand to be exact. Though, I didn’t really have a weakness to ice, it was so cold that I was trying to hard not to twitch.

“Palkia, seriously?” Vanilluxe said in a stern voice.

I looked up at him as he was narrowing his piercing gray eyes at me. From the expression he had on his face, he wasn’t all too happy with me. As I looked into his eyes, I felt myself shaking not only out of fear, but from the coldness of his hand. I tried to wiggle my arm from his grasp but he was just too strong to the point where I couldn’t even twist my arm around.

“Now, I will tell you that I do NOT tolerate people whining. Alright? Now, think of where on the table you last had your notes. I think maybe they fell down,” he suggested as he took his hand off my arm.Underlines are tense issues, mostly in the first paragraph of this bit.

Does Vanilluxe really need to scare Palkia to get her to snap out of it? I can’t really tell if he’s intimidating her on purpose or if she’s making him out as more frightening than he really is because she’s already panicked about the missing notes. What he says to her suggests the latter scenario, but I just want to be clear about what you mean here.

I need those notes, I thought to myself as I kept feeling around for them. Then, I could feel a light tap on my shoulder.
This might sound better as “felt.”

“T-thanks, but, how did you know what was my mission?” I asked.

“You had the names of everyone in the top 5 written on the front sheet and you wrote down ‘ask for ideas on how to be strong’. So that’s how I knew,” she replied. “Also I saw that you crossed off Latios’ name on your page. So I took it as you already spoke to him since I saw you had a whole page written with stuff he said to you.”

Man this girl is smart. Yes it was true, I wrote down their names so that I could remember everyone I was supposed to talk to. I also wanted to keep track, as I said before, of everything that they say to me so that I could look them over and study them. The more I study them the more I could take in the advice given to me an act on it, to make myself and my powers better. Just a few tense things.

Also, Gothorita seems to just state the obvious here, since she basically just tells Palkia what she read off the paper. As such, I’m not sure Palkia’s reaction works better as “ooh, smart” or “oh, I should have realized how she knew.” This might be a little nitpicky on my part, though.

When I opened my note pad, however, I saw that a page was ripped out. An important page to be exact, this was the one where I’ve written my notes from Latios. And now that it’s missing, I start to panic. However, careful not to whine again and annoy a certain ice type Pokemon, I turned to him and the girl and there, I saw that he was holding the ripped page. As he was scanning the page, he looked up at me and raised his eyebrow at me and then looked down to keep reading the page.Mostly just a few tense things here. The bolded part seems a little long. It might be better to break that into two sentences somewhere.

“Sorry Palkia, I saw your notes from Latios and I didn’t like what I read, so my dad’s reading it,” the girl said as she looked up at Vanilluxe reading the page.Vanilluxe is Gothorita’s dad? Since you’re dealing with humanoid Pokemon, I guess you could argue that egg-groups don’t matter (since he’s in the mineral group and she and her mom are human-shape, this paring wouldn’t work in-game, but since they’re all humanoid in this I would assume their biology would be similar enough in this universe).

That said, why was Milotic trying to seduce/flirting with Gothitelle’s husband and sitting in his lap? Especially since Milotic's all of 14 years old.

He then folded the page in half and handed it over to the young girl as he whispered some things to her. As soon she walked away with my page, I quickly got up and tried to run after her. However, I felt, once again, Vanilluxe’s cold hand clamping on my wrist. He was trying to keep me from either going into certain parts of the house or chasing after her. Either way, my frustration has gone up quite a bit. This little girl has taken off with my important notes, notes I need to become stronger.More tense problems.

Hearing that he was going to explain, I did what he said and sat back down on my chair. I was trying to fight back tears as I was waiting for him to tell me. What if this girl doesn’t return my page? What is she going to do with it? Those were the questions that were running through my mind at the moment. I was very confused, and so was Milotic as she just sat there in her own chair looking around.I’m not sure that the bolded part is needed, as the entire story is from Palkia’s point of view the reader already knows that this is what she’s thinking at the time.

I was puzzled as to why Gothorita didn’t like what she read. I mean, I made sure to listen to Latios as he spoke to me. Maybe I said something wrong or maybe there was a detail he left out. But for whatever reason, I sat there, confused. Latios is a very intelligent man and I think what he says has truth to it.More tense issues.


“So… you talked to Latios?” Milotic asked.

“Yes I did, before I came here. Some drama here and there but I got what I needed from him. Plus he told me that I had potential,” I answered.

“Lucky you! He doesn’t like me at all,” she laughed. “Anyway, I’m sorry, go on.”Looks like more foreshadowing for future plot-points to me. Again, this is a good thing.

Vanilluxe got up from his original seat and proceeded to sit in the seat that was on the left side of the table from where I was sitting. Close to me and across from Milotic.Since you use the word “seat” “sitting” and “sit” a lot here, it might help to change one of the “seats” (the actual things they’re sitting on) to “chair” (or couch, or whatever) to add some word choice variety.

“Close to me and across from Milotic” isn’t a sentence on its own. Since it’s a description of the seat, it might be better to chance the period to a comma and make the C lowercase.

“Now Palkia, after reading those notes of yours, I was pissed to be honest. Not at you, but at Latios. Not only did Gothorita didn’t like what she read, but neither did I. I want to tell you that as a man, your gender has no bearing on how strong you can be. You can be as strong as any man if you believe you can. In fact, I’m male and I have two girls who are stronger than me! My own wife and daughter, can you believe it?” he started to chuckle towards the end.The bolded part is awkward. Maybe “not only did Gothorita not like what she read” or “not only did Gothorita dislike . . .” would make it better.

“It is weird that a seven year old could out match a twenty-six year old,” I laughed.So, Vanilluxe was 19 when he and Gothitelle had their daughter? Interesting angle to take. It certainly opens a couple of directions for you to take in characterization, such as how Vanilluxe is dealing with the pressures of parenting at a young age. Out of curiosity, how old is Gothitelle?

“Now then, I would take everything Latios says to you with a grain of salt. I say that because you know that Latios doesn’t think highly of girls, right? Hell, he doesn’t think highly of his own girlfriend. Like you, he tells her that she has potential, but what it really means is that you have potential to be strong but not as strong as a man. He’ll challenge you to battle when you become stronger, but only because he’s super confident he could beat you. How do I know? Because he’s told Gothorita the same thing some time ago.

He told her that she had potential to be stronger while she was training herself and asked her to battle him when she was strong enough, although she was. So being the strong little girl she was, she challenged him at that very moment. He was hesitant because one, she was a girl and two, she was very young. But after insisting, he agreed to battle her. Guess what? She kicked his butt, and he was pissed,” Vanilluxe said as he was telling his story.The bolded phrase is somewhat redundant. To tell his story, we know he has to say things. Maybe shortening to “Vanilluxe said” or “Vanilluxe told me” would reduce the repetitive nature of the statement.

In the second paragraph of this part especially, you use the word “strong” quite a lot. Maybe replacing one or two of these with a synonym would help.


I would understand why Latios would be upset. To be male and lose to a girl is embarrassing,I’m going to guess that this is just Palkia, and not you, being unintentionally sexist here because you do show different opinions on the strength between males and females with Vanilluxe’s views on the matter. Do you mean for Palkia to come off as sexist (whether she means to be or not) at this point in the story? Or did you not intend to show her this way? If you want her to be somewhat sexist at this point (i.e. until she learns otherwise), then I guess you could keep it. If you don’t want Palkia to seem that way, then remove this part.
but to lose to a seven year old girl who’s more than half your height, what would be enough to not show my face. Especially since if I was very strong. I could sympathize with him on a level but he would have to get over it. In fact, maybe that’s the reason as to why when I brought up Gothitelle and Gothorita in our conversation, he dodged it. He was too embarrassed to admit that two girls were more competent than he was.The first bolded: I think you mean “that” instead of “what.”

The second bolded: I think this part could use a little clarification that you mean Latios would be upset because he thought he was strong and was thus even more upset at being beaten. It might help to connect it to the previous sentence with a comma, in that case.

“To be honest with you, I wouldn’t say he’s a man per say. I call him a guy, he’s male but he’s too immature to be considered a man. I hate to toot my own horn, but at least I am secure in myself to get over the fact that my wife and daughter are stronger and better battlers than me and not let it bother me. Being a better battler does not reflect what kind of person I am. Or a better example would be Gallade and Charizard. Those guys aren’t the strongest guys out there. In fact, if I remembered correctly, you are higher on the list than they are. However, they know that it has no bearing as to who they are as Pokemon,” he explained.I’m probably going to confuse you here, sorry in advance. Remembered should probably be remember (present tense) because he’s speaking in the present while talking to Palkia. I know most tense things so far have been present that should have been past, but because this is dialogue the tense can be different from the narrative around it. In this case, he’s remembering the list in the present tense as he talks. I hope this isn’t confusing.

That is true. There are some Pokemon who don’t care about their placement on the list because they don’t let it define them. Heck, there are Pokemon who don’t even want to be on the list because of that reason. They don’t want to be judged or hurt by their placement and that’s okay to. For me, personally, I look at is as progress. Am I getting stronger to a point where I could move up a spot? Would I have people asking me to battle them? If that happened, I would be happy.To perhaps make it more confusing, now we’re right back to the narrative in which some present tense words need to become past tense. Hope I haven’t confused you with this too much. Let me know if you get it or if I should explain it better.

The bolded “to” should be “too” (as in also). I think you meant “it” where the bold “is” is.

The revelation that the list consists of only those who elect to be measured by it helps clarify why Palkia’s comparing herself in strength to even Pokemon like Cresselia that otherwise looked like they didn’t make the list. We still don’t know who made the list, or really why it was made (things coming in future parts, I hope), but this does solve one mystery about it.

“I don’t want to take away from my wife’s future advice but my point to you is that I think you should inspire to be something more than just someone who can battle well competitively. And if someone says something like what Latios told you, question it. It shows strength mentally to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, I respect him as a competitive battler because he gets me going, however, as a person I don’t like him. He can be a better Pokemon, but he needs to be secure in himself. So do you, Palkia. You can be strong if you believe you can,” Vanilluxe concluded.”Inspire” should be “aspire.”

I must say it’s a breath of fresh air to hear other characters within the story talking about strength as only one measure of a person, and being happy with themselves on a personal level or evaluating others by personality rather than power. It helps show that your characters are more diverse in their thinking. In earlier parts, the audience only heard Palkia, Latios, Cresselia, and even Dialga discussing strength (and sometimes beauty). Because of that, it came off to readers as how you saw the world. By giving us characters with different viewpoints it helps establish that these are the characters’ voices rather than just the author’s and helps expand your PokeVerse beyond power and appearance.


Yes, Latios is still stronger however hearing everything I’m hearing, I’m starting to wonder about him. However, if I see him, I wouldn’t confront him with this. It isn’t my place to do it. Instead, I just thanked Vanilluxe for taking the time to give me advice.It might help to add a comma between stronger and however.

“Changing the subject, since Milotic has been left out,” he said as he winked at the blonde haired girl sitting across from him. “If Gothitelle didn’t end the battle, who would have won?”

“Well, since you only had under half your HP left, Vanilluxe and it was her go at the time, she would have won the battle,” I replied with a smile. I didn’t mention it in the battle scene before because the pacing was pretty good, but I think your battles could improve if you didn’t treat them like in-game battles with “turns” and base powers being mentioned with every attack. Since this is set in a “real world” setting, fights happen at the battlers’ pace with everyone acting and reacting at once instead of attacking and then waiting for the opponent to get their hit in. Unless for some reason there are rules in place to make real-life battles turn-based, it might be better to drop some of the focus on game mechanics for how fight scenes work.

As we were all laughing along, we could hear the doorbell ring. We all looked at the door, wondering who could be here. Milotic got up from her chair and pranced to the door. I turned back around and just rested my head on the hard surface. All I wanted was to get some advice from Gothitelle at this point and leave. And hope and pray that Gothorita returns (I suggest “would return” here) with my page. While I was in my train of thought, I could hear a very familiar accent making its way towards where I was sitting. It sounded very annoyed and presumably annoyed at Milotic.

“We meet again, Palkia!” the voice exclaimed as I felt the pressure of someone touching my shoulder.
More tenses. So Latios has shown up again. Things could get interesting .

はるひ
17th March 2012, 1:34 AM
Deleted reply cuz I worked it out on PM and also because I wanted to ask a question;

When I said this line:
We all looked toward the hallway and see a woman, looking very angry. She stood there with her arms crossed, narrowing her aqua eyes at Vanilluxe. This girl was very… curvatious to say.

I know i said woman when introducing Gothitelle at first but doesn't girl imply the same thing, that she's female? Like when I introduced Vanilluxe I said he was a young man but then I went into "man" on another line which I am confused on that one. Arent people in their 20s usually young? I am but I'm still a kid :p

Ememew
17th March 2012, 2:44 AM
Deleted reply cuz I worked it out on PM and also because I wanted to ask a question;

When I said this line:

I know i said woman when introducing Gothitelle at first but doesn't girl imply the same thing, that she's female? Like when I introduced Vanilluxe I said he was a young man but then I went into "man" on another line which I am confused on that one. Arent people in their 20s usually young? I am but I'm still a kid :pThe difference is that "woman" means "adult female" and "girl" means "female child," the same way "man" and "boy" work for males. If you want to show that she's young (in her 20s), then just use "young woman" the same way you used "young man" (rather than boy) for Vanilluxe.

はるひ
17th March 2012, 3:21 AM
I thought "girl" worked the same way as "guy"

Ememew
18th March 2012, 9:31 AM
I thought "girl" worked the same way as "guy"

It can, but in many cases it can be considered akin to (intentionally or not) calling an adult childish or immature and taking away respect for her as a grown woman. "Gal" or "lady" might work better if you're looking for a synonym for female person that doesn't take age/maturity into account.

Or, just look at what you wrote here. These are Vanilluxe's words to describe what "man" means in terms of adulthood and maturity when talking to Palkia:

“To be honest with you, I wouldn’t say he’s a man per say. I call him a guy, he’s male but he’s too immature to be considered a man . . . Based on everything else you've written here, I assume you don't mean to imply Gothitelle is "female, but too immature to be considered a woman." Unfortunately, this is what you do by using the term "girl" to describe a full grown woman.

Scaldaver
21st March 2012, 11:43 PM
I like the overall story, though the telling is a mix of past and present tense, which i find confusing (unless the time gems allow this to happen...). Also, the constant references to her own self-confidence are awkward and cringy. It isn't something one would normally draw attention to, much less something one would emphasise constantly. I'll add more bits later, when I'm back at a computer.

はるひ
22nd March 2012, 7:14 AM
Alrighty yall, this chapter here is casual. So it has some arguments, some relationship talk here and there. And older younger relationship. Also some jabs from Latios on his women talk. As a warning tho, it does have the word "pissed".


I looked up and saw the same tall blue haired man from before, Latios. I just looked up and smiled at him. In a way, I was happy to see him but in a way, I was kind of worried about what he might say or do. I mean, I loved hearing him speak because of his accent and his intellect but as of now, I wasn’t sure what he would think of me. He said that I had potential but did he really mean it?

“What’s up?” he asked me as he got a lounge chair and set it between Vanilluxe and myself.

“Nothing much, just waiting for someone to give me advice,” I replied as I shook his hand.

“From Gothitelle eh? That’s nice; anyway, I’m having a battle tournament here. So that’s why you happened to run into me again,” Latios said as he was smoothing out his hair.

Battle tournament eh? This could be more inspiration right there. Seeing not only the guys’ battle but Latios battle as well could give me something to write about, since he happened to be in the top five. I nodded my head in approval as I looked over to my right. I saw that Latios came with another guy, a younger guy that looked around sixteen. He had short but messy off-white hair topped with a small flag-designed beret. He also had a plain red shirt with wings on it and faded blue jeans.

“Hey there,” he said to me in a high pitched southern accent. “Yous a friend of Latios?”

“Friend? I say we respect each other, but were not that close,” I replied as I twirled my hair. “He said I had potential to be stronger but that’s it.”

“Ello there, Braviary,” Milotic asked as she made her way towards this guy and proceeded to sit on his lap. “Lucky, isn’t she?”

All I could do at the moment was smirk. I mean, sometimes Milotic amuses me. She loves to be friendly with everyone she knows and maybe this guy was one of them. Nonetheless, I thought she looked better with him than she did with Vanilluxe. Maybe it was because he was much older than her and this guy looked around her age, I don’t know but whatever. As she was sitting on his lap, I could see her looking across the table at the older man, just trying to flash a smile at him. None the while, he just looked at his phone.

“At least she’s luckier than what Latios is going to be in this battle,” he bragged. “Oh, and hey there, gorgeous.”

“Wait, you’re battling to?” I asked as I pulled out my make-up pouch from my pocket. With all the people here, I’m sweating to the point where I feel that my make-up is melting off and that’s not good.

“Hell yeah! The moment Latios called to challenge me; it was one I couldn’t refuse. Oh and also the fact that I never refuse a challenge. Besides, I learned a new move that will kick his butt!” Braviary exclaimed.

'Wow, confident guy…' I thought to myself as I proceeded to retouch my candy apple colored lipstick. I just nodded my head as I heard Braviary brag all about his newfound attack called Crush Claw he’s going to use on Latios. I really wanted to laugh at him; I mean Latios is in the top five, he’s one of the strongest guys here. So it’s almost impossible to beat him and the odds of him beating him were slim to none.

While I was finishing up putting on my lipstick, I could hear the sliding glass door from the back open and close. Whoever came in closed it to the point where it was slammed it shut. Normally I wouldn’t pay attention to those things, but the sound of the door closing made it impossible to focus on applying my make-up on. So I glanced over and saw a young girl, forming a huge smile on her face. Her long sand colored hair was tied in two low pigtails which both draped over her shoulders. She had a small yellow tank top on with matching red and brown ragged styled hip huggers, with rips on the brown bottoms of the legs.

Upon seeing her, Latios got up from his seat and walked towards the girl with his arms spread open. She ran towards him, throwing her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. In a way, that reminded me of how I would greet Dialga if I were to see him. Dialga… now I was really starting to miss him. I haven’t seen him in about four hours and that’s almost the longest we’ve been apart from each other. We usually don’t like to be away from each other so I am hoping that Dialga is alright. Latios and the girl then came over to the spot where he was originally sitting and as he sat down, she proceeded to pull up a chair beside him.

“Oh Palkia, have you met my girlfriend?” Latios asked me as he pointed to his fire/fighting type girlfriend.

I stuck out my hand as a motion to shake hers. “I think I’ve seen you around before. Gothitelle teaches you, and your name is…” I said as I was trying to remember this girl’s name.

She stuck out her hand and proceeded to shake mine with a smile. Though she was a fire type, my skin was okay with the heat. “Blaziken, and yes I’ve seen you before, By the way, if you ever come by Latios’ house again, you’ll see me more since I would like to move in with him in secret,” she explained.

I glanced over at Vanilluxe, who was rolling his eyes at the conversation. And like Milotic and Braviary, I couldn’t help but laugh as well. All I was thinking was that Blaziken was in for a rude awakening when it came to Latias. I hoped that she could handle being disobeyed a lot and not snapping when she slams doors in her face. Yes she is a fighting type and could stand her ground but Latias was defiant to the bone.

‘Good luck! ‘I snickered inside as I put on my foundation.

All I wanted to do at this point was put on my make-up. If I was going to be around a lot of people, I would need to look presentable, plus I don’t go out of the dimension without any make-up on. Without it, I’d look very ugly and old. I had spots on my face and I have a few pimples and I shouldn’t be having them. It takes me about four appliances of make-up for me to be fully satisfied with the end result and it’s to the point where Dialga would get annoyed. I pulled out my compact mirror from my pouch and opened it. From there, I looked at myself in the small round mirror to admire my work. I was almost happy with the result, just one more appliance of foundation and I was good to go.

“I’m sure you’re going to have a great life together,” Milotic said sarcastically while she and her friend were snickering under their breath.

“Oh shut up, Milotic!” Blaziken shouted angrily. “Seriously, Little Miss Eye Candy shouldn’t be talking.”

Milotic started to laugh at the young girl’s insult. I knew that she hated being called eye candy but I couldn’t help but laugh inside. That is the same line I’ve heard Latios used when he argued with Milotic. So to hear his girlfriend say it to is funny, considering that Milotic once wanted to be with Latios, but she was quickly shot down from what I understood. Nonetheless, I just minded my own business and slapped on my eye liner. I wanted no part of this argument.

“Man Blaziken, chill,” Braviary said as he laughed. “No need to resort to insults.”

“I wanted to say something witty but Braviary beat me to the punch,” the blonde haired girl said. “Anyway just because I’m beautiful and I’ve won many pageants doesn’t mean I’m JUST eye candy. I’m much more than that, honey. Of course, you’re just a kid so you wouldn’t know.”

As the conversation progressed, I sat there shaking my head and laughing inside. I understood that Milotic was defending herself because she really was more than just a beautiful girl; however she really can’t talk about Blaziken being just a kid when she herself was two years younger than her. So that made her a kid as well. I wanted to say something at this point, but I just kept to myself. This was not what I came here for. As they dished it out, I kept looking back and forth at whoever was speaking.

“Which is sad because she has self-respect and you don’t,” Latios interjected.

Upon hearing that, Milotic had a shocked expression on her face. It looked like as if she was about to cry but was trying her hardest not to. Yes it was annoying when she’d prance around in heels and talk about how she’s won so many pageants, however it didn’t mean that she has no self-respect. It just meant that she loved herself enough to want to flaunt it and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just for me, it got annoying since it only reminded me that I lacked those qualities.

“And I have no self-respect because I live by my own rules and I don’t let anyone hold me down,” she said sarcastically. “That’s cool. But I DO have self-respect. I don’t need to be like your girlfriend to have that. At least I won’t surrender who I am as a person to please anyone like some people.”

“At least I have a boyfriend and you don’t,” Blaziken said in an annoyed tone. “And it’s not about changing me; it’s about realizing that I have to grow up if I want this relationship to work. Latios doesn’t want a girl who does nothing and has him do all the work.”

I got up from my chair and began to stretch in boredom. I needed these guys to switch to conversation to something more… you know, fun. I don’t want to talk about relationships and hearing them chew each other out on the subject. But I am afraid that if I said stop, than they wouldn’t listen to me. What else could I do? I already applied my make-up and admired my work. There was really nothing else for me to do but listen to what was going on.

“All I’ll say is that I’m waiting for the right person to come long. As of now I’m alright with not having a partner. Sure I really want to be with Vanilluxe because he’s everything I want in a man, but he’s married,” Milotic said as she got up from Braviary’s lap. “That’s all and we should stop this.”

“Wait, one question,” Braviary asked with a look of sadness. “You… you like… Vanilluxe?”

“I LOVE him,” the young girl said while blushing madly. “I really do because he was the only one who didn’t see me as eye candy. He treated me like a person and that’s what I wanted.”

As Vanilluxe gave the girl a serious look on his face, I sat back down in my chair, relived that the fight was over. I wanted to hear them talk about their tournament instead of their relationships. As I was looking at them, Milotic walked slowly over to the other side of the table, where the cream haired man was sitting there, in shock. When she asked if she could sit with him, Vanilluxe looked up at the girl and raised his eyebrow at her. To me, he looked pretty uncomfortable letting her sit in the same seat as him now that he seems to know that she loved him. He wasn’t sure what to do at the moment. With that, Vanilluxe got up from his chair and proceeded go into the hallway without saying a word.

“So Palkia, while we were all fighting, you were just caking on the make-up and checking yourself out,” Latios said with a smirk. “Typical female Pokemon, you.”

“Well, I wanted to look presentable and not scare anyone,” I laughed. “Plus, I didn’t want to talk about relationships but rather wanted to hear about your battle tournament.”

Latios pulled his chair closer to the table and proceeded to put his hand over mine, which caused Blaziken to give him a weird look. “I wanted to tell you about that. I was going to discuss it only with the guys, but I want you to be there as well. So you’re going to be the only girl there in on the conversation,” he said with a smile. “Plus I have some tasks for you relating to the battle.”

‘Ooh wow…' I thought to myself as I just sat there, nodding at him. It made me feel special to know that I’m the only girl who’s going to be at this conference the other guys are going to have. Plus, having tasks to do only made my mission more exciting. So far I’ve been lucky. I escaped a messy situation at school, Latios said that I had potential and now I’m at Gothitelle’s house, with advice so far from not only her husband but a famous beauty queen. All I needed was the second strongest Pokemon, which she would be with me in a moment. Wow am I a lucky kid. However, Blaziken was not happy...

Ememew
23rd March 2012, 1:34 AM
I looked up and saw the same tall blue haired man from before, Latios. I just looked up and smiled at him. In a way, I was happy to see him but in a way, I’m kind of worried about what he might say or do. I mean, I love hearing him speak because of his accent and his intellect but as of now, I’m not sure what he would think of me. He said that I had potential but does he really mean it? I thought I pointed out these tense issues when you asked me about this chapter before you posted it . . . Anyway “I was” “loved” “I was” and “did” are the past-tense versions of the present-tense words you have here.


“Lucky, isn’t she?” Milotic asked as she made her way towards this guy and proceeded to sit on his lap. “Ello there, Braviary.” I’m pretty sure I addressed this too :/

You have said that Milotic is more than a flirt. I have yet to see this demonstrated in the story itself. Every time she sees a guy, she proceeds to act flirtatious around him.

Again, remember my test of reversal? Would Milotic’s actions and behavior make sense to you if she was a boy flirting with every other girl that came into his line of sight (and moreover, that behavior being the ONLY behavior he demonstrates)?


All I could do at the moment was smirk. I mean, sometimes Milotic amuses me. She loves to be friendly with everyone she knows and maybe this guy was one of them. Nonetheless, I thought she looked better with him than she did with Vanilluxe. Maybe it was because he was much older than him and this guy looked around her age, I don’t know but I detest. As she was sitting on his lap, I could see her looking across the table at the older man, just smiling. There’s a difference between being “friendly” and “flirtatious,” you know.

Do you mean “her” (as in Milotic) where you wrote “him”?

To “detest” something means to hate, loathe, intensely dislike, and despise it. I don’t think this is what you mean here.

By smiling at Vanilluxe from Braviary’s lap, does this mean she’s still trying to flirt with him? Or am I just misinterpreting this?


“At least she’s luckier than what Latios is going to be in this battle,” he bragged. “Oh, and hey there, gorgeous.” The ordering of the dialogue sort of makes it look like Braviary’s greeting Milotic as an afterthought. Is this how you want this scene to play out?


“Wait, you’re battling to?” I asked as I pulled out my make-up pouch from my pocket. With all the people here, I’m sweating to the point where I feel that my make-up is melting off and that’s not good.
The “to” you mean is “too” (as in also), with two o’s.

That’s should be “that wasn’t” to be in past tense.

'Wow, confident guy…' I thought to myself as I proceeded to retouch my candy apple colored lipstick. I just nodded my head as I heard Braviary brag all about his newfound attack called Crush Claw he’s going to use on Latios. I really wanted to laugh at him; I mean Latios is in the top five, he’s one of the strongest guys here. So it’s almost impossible to beat him and the odds of him beating him were slim to none.First, tense issues are underlined as above. “he was” “was” “he was” and “it was” are past-tense.

Second, “It was almost impossible to beat him” and “the odds of beating him were slim to none” mean the same thing. Use one or the other, not both.


While I was finishing up putting on my lipstick, I could hear the sliding glass door from the back open and close. They closed it to the point where they slammed it shut. Normally I wouldn’t pay attention to those things, but the sound of the door closing made it impossible to focus on applying my make-up on. So I glanced over and saw a young girl, forming a huge smile on her face. Her long sand colored hair was tied in two low pigtails which both draped over her shoulders. She had a small yellow tank top on with matching red and brown ragged styled hip huggers, with rips on the brown bottoms of the legs. I know you are using “they” to mean a gender neutral term to show that Palkia doesn’t know that the person who came in was a girl at that point, but “they” is a word that implies people in the plural. A way to fix this statement would be “Whoever closed it slammed it shut” (it’s less wordy and removes the need for a gendered pronoun).

I also don’t think you need the word “on” there.


Upon seeing her, Latios got up from his seat and walked towards the girl with his arms spread open. She ran towards him, throwing her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. In a way, that reminded me of how I would greet Dialga if I were to see him. Dialga… now I’m really starting to miss him. I haven’t seen him in about four hours and that’s almost the longest we’ve been apart from each other. We usually don’t like to be away from each other so I am hoping that Dialga is alright. Latios and the girl then came over to the spot where he was originally sitting and as he sat down, she proceeded to pull up a chair beside him. As I mentioned when you asked me about it earlier, I still think it’s fairly unrealistic to have “four hours” be almost the longest amount of time Palkia and Dialga have been apart since they met. Her starting to miss him after this short of a time sort of indicates that she might have some dependency issues.

Underlines are tense issues.

I glanced over at Vanilluxe, who was rolling his eyes at the conversation. And like Milotic and Braviary, I couldn’t help but laugh as well. All I was thinking was that Blaziken was in for a rude awakening when it came to Latias. I hoped that she could handle being disobeyed a lot and not snapping when she slams doors in her face. Yes she is a fighting type and could stand her ground but Latias is defiant to the bone.Tense issues aside for a moment . . .

We still have yet to see any situation in which Latias is allowed so much as her own opinion without being considered “defiant” and “disobedient” because of it. As of what you have provided the reader, it appears that disobeying is the only means Latias has of expressing herself.

That’s part of why I have a problem with this being the reason Palkia thinks the situation is funny. She doesn’t think it’s odd for a 13-year-old to be moving in with her boyfriend. She doesn’t think of the fact that Vanilluxe just told her that Latios doesn’t even respect his girlfriend and thus knows that Blaziken isn’t considered an equal in her relationship with him. No, Palkia objects because “oh noez, Latias has a mind of her own. Poor Blaziken won’t be able to order her around.”


All I wanted to do at this point was put on my make-up. If I was going to be around a lot of people, I would have needed to look presentable, plus I don’t go out of the dimension without any make-up on. Without it, I’d look very ugly and old. I have spots on my face and I have a few pimples and I shouldn’t be haveing them. It takes me about four appliances of make-up for me to be fully satisfied with the end result and it’s to the point where Dialga would get annoyed. I pulled out my compact mirror from my pouch and opened it. From there, I looked at myself in the small round mirror to admire my work. I was almost happy with the result, just one more appliance of foundation and I’m good to go. As I mentioned to you when you asked me about this chapter, I find it sort of off-putting that Palkia puts so much emphasis on her appearance. Everyone gets pimples. That’s just how puberty works.

But moreover, this is about the patterns of Palkia’s behavior. Her outward appearance is all about how she looks to others. Her place on “the list” is about comparing her strength to others. She uses Dialga’s powers instead of her own. I have yet to see anything indicating that Palkia does anything for herself rather than constantly comparing her looks and abilities to other people.

Giving her interests that are about her rather than about caring about how she looks to other characters will help make her a more well-rounded character and give readers a reason to root for her. If you just keep showing us the same things over and over – Palkia always and only worrying about her looks and place on the list – then readers will begin to lose interest because they will think there isn’t anything else to Palkia beyond her focus on comparisons to other characters.


Milotic started to laugh at the young girl’s insult. I knew that she hated being called eye candy but I couldn’t help but laugh inside. That is the same line I’ve heard Latios used when he argued with Milotic. So to hear his girlfriend say it to is funny, considering that Milotic once wanted to be with Latios, but she was quickly shot down from what I understood. Nonetheless, I just minded my own business and slapped on my eye liner. I wanted no part of this argument.
To should be “too” and tenses are underlined.

Again, so far the most personality we’ve seen out of Milotic is that she tries to be with every guy she meets. She once tried to be with Dialga and Latios, she flirts with Vanilluxe and Braviary. If you want to show her as more than just eye candy, have her ACT like more than a flirt.

“I wanted to say something witty but Braviary beat me to the punch,” the blonde haired girl said. “Anyway just because I’m beautiful and I’ve won many pageants doesn’t mean I’m JUST eye candy. I’m much more than that, honey. Of course, you’re just a kid so you wouldn’t know.” As I have said before, don’t just say this, SHOW it through her actions. Have her do more than flirt. Have her interact with male characters without trying to seduce them.


As the conversation progressed, I sat there shaking my head and laughing inside. I understood that Milotic was defending herself because she really was more than just a beautiful girlAgain, show this is a fact rather than just telling us this and giving all other evidence contrary.
however she really can’t talk about Blaziken being just a kid when she herself is only a year older than her. So that made her a kid as well. I wanted to say something at this point, but I just kept to myself. This was not what I came here for. As they dished it out, I kept looking back and forth at whoever was speaking.
Which goes back to the fact that 13 is generally considered to be too immature to move in with one’s significant other. Male or female, I’d have problems with Blaziken moving in with a boy/girlfriend at that age. As you said, Milotic and Blaziken are kids.

Upon hearing that, Milotic had a shocked expression on her face. It felt like as if she was about to cry but was trying her hardest not to. Yes it was annoying when she prances around in heels and talks about how she has won so many pageants, however it doesn’t mean that she has no self-respect. It just meant that she loves herself enough to want to flaunt it and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just for me, it gets annoying since it only reminds me that I lack those qualities. Again, this is full of stuff that I’m pretty sure I already addressed when you PM’d me this part of the story. :/

Tenses are once again underlined. “It felt” should probably be “It looked” since Palkia is judging Milotic’s mood based on her facial expression, not from reading her mind. She can’t “feel” Milotic’s mood, but she can see it.


“At least I have a boyfriend and you don’t,” Blaziken said in an annoyed tone. Again, a female character’s worth is not judged by whether she can attract a mate, yet most of the actions of the female Pokemon I’ve seen in your fic focus on a) flirting with boys/men (Milotic) b) basing their own worth on having a boyfriend (Palkia, Blaziken), c) focusing on appearance (Palkia), and judging others based on appearance (Cresselia, possibly Blaziken as well if that’s what you’re getting at by having her call Milotic just eye candy).

Your female characters’ worth should not be based only on whether they have a boyfriend or look pretty. There’s a lot more to a character than that. Moreover, remember my question of the reverse. You don’t have your male characters basing their worth on looks or whether or not they can get a girlfriend. Would it make sense to you if they focused on that and only that to determine their worthiness in the world?


I got up from my chair and began to stretch in boredom. I needed these guys to switch to conversation to something more… you know, fun. I don’t want to talk about relationships and hearing them chew each other out on the subject. But I am afraid that if I said stop, than they wouldn’t listen to me. What else could I do? I already applied my make-up and admired my work. There was really nothing else for me to do but listen to what was going on. Again, you’re basically stating that Palkia can do nothing beyond worry about looks and wait to listen about strength. Honestly, she could excuse herself from the room if she really wanted to get away from the conversation (by feigning the need to use the restroom, for example).


“All I’ll say is that I’m waiting for the right person to come long. As of now I’m alright with not having a partner. Sure I wanted to be with Vanilluxe, and still do, but he’s married,” And, you know, almost double your age . . .


I sat back down in my chair, relived that the fight was over. I wanted to hear them talk about their tournament instead of their relationships. As I was looking at them, Milotic pranced over to the other side of the table, where the cream haired man was sitting, playing on his P-Phone. When she asked if she could sit with him, Vaniluxe looked up at the girl with a smile on his face as he moved back and adjusted himself in his chair, making room for her in the front of his seat. Milotic proceeded to sit in the front, between his knees as she pulled out her phone and motioned for Braviary to come sit with them. Again, this is really sort of off-putting because of the differences in their ages.



“So Palkia, while we were all fighting, you were just caking on the make-up and checking yourself out,” Latios said with a smirk. “Typical female Pokemon, you.”…
…..
………….
Again, broad gender generalizations from Latios that you write not as though it’s just Latios saying it but as though it’s a general rule. Not all girls focus on make-up and appearance. The fact that neither Palkia nor any other character objects to this statement implies that they all just agree with this overgeneralization.


Latios pulled his chair closer to the table and proceeded to put his hand over mine, which caused Blaziken to give him a weird look. “I wanted to tell you about that. I was going to discuss it only with the guys, but I want you to be there as well. So you’re going to be the only girl there in on the conversation,” he said with a smile. “Plus I have some tasks for you relating to the battle.” Even leaving out his own girlfriend. Again, this demonstrates that Latios doesn’t have much respect for Blaziken. Relationships are built on mutual respect, not a guy pushing his girlfriend around and dismissing her because she’s female.


‘Ooh wow…' I thought to myself as I just sat there, nodding at him. It made me feel special to know that I’m the only girl who’s going to be at this conference the other guys are going to have. Plus, having tasks to do only made my mission more exciting. So far I’ve been lucky. I escaped a messy situation at school, Latios said that I had potential and now I’m at Gothitelle’s house, with advice so far from not only her husband but a famous beauty queen. All I needed was the second strongest Pokemon, which she would be with me in a moment. Wow [U]am[/I] I a lucky kid. Mostly tense issues here (other than general concepts already addressed above).

General notes:

It seems that whenever there is a large age discrepancy in relationships, the male is always older than the female. Milotic flirting with a married man 12 years older than she is, 13-year-old Blaziken moving in with her 18-year-old boyfriend. This is also true of non-romantic relationships: Latias is the much younger sister of Latios. The reason people keep pointing these out is because when the maturity of the characters is so different (especially in the cases of romantic relationships and flirting) is because it gives disproportionate power to the older one. Kids will subconsciously see adults as authority figures and as such are more easily manipulated by them. They can be pressured into doing things that they may not want to do because the person telling them to is, at least on some level, an authority figure.

EDIT: Just a few points I thought of that I want you to think about with the Milotic/Vanilluxe thing

1) Is she still wearing just a bikini? Seriously, why is Milotic wearing a bikini while every other character is fully clothed?

2) Milotic sits between his knees. I'll leave you to figure out what else is between a guy's legs . . .

Oh, and a question: Why did Milotic refer to Vanilluxe as "another visitor" when he's Gothitelle's husband (and thus presumably lives in the house)?

はるひ
27th March 2012, 4:00 AM
Okay~ I fixed everything including the interactions between Vanilluxe and Milotic on both chapters

Reaaad it~

Ememew
28th March 2012, 4:58 AM
I'm just looking for stuff I noticed from the time Palkia gets to Gothitelle's place. If you revised stuff earlier than that, let me know. I'm also focusing on Milotic/Vanilluxe so any issues with the rest of the cast will wait until I have more energy.

The good: Milotic hanging on Vanilluxe's arm and being told to stop is good. It suggests that Vanilluxe didn't take her behavior to be flirtatious (i.e. that he didn't realize the kid was flirting until it's pointed out later). This change helps a lot.

Vanilluxe looking at his phone rather than grinning back is good. Just one grammar thing here
None the while, he just looked at his phone I'm not sure if you mean "none the wiser" (meaning he doesn't notice) or "all the while" (meaning that the statement is referring to the timeframe she's looking at him while he's on the phone).

Vanilluxe being uncomfortable once he realizes she's been flirting also helps him seem more normal. I think this part was really well done.

The bad: You're still showing Milotic as a sex object more than a character. For example:
She eventually stopped but now she’s after another man, using her fem charm and her body. Which to say, I envy so much. I wish that could be me, with the perfect figure, getting all the guys’ attention. You SAY that Milotic wants to be seen as more than a pretty face, but her actions suggest that she's only using her looks to make anything of herself. This statement in particular says she's using her body to get men - not anything at all to do with her personality.

It's especially concerning because Palkia seems to base worth on popularity and being attractive.

In general, you keep claiming Milotic had more to her than being pretty and flirting, but so far that hasn't appeared in practice. Think of it this way: You can tell a reader that a character is honest. You can say that when the character lies, they are doing something unusual and that they're not normally like this. But if you only show them in situations where they lie, the reader is going to judge by what they SEE the character do rather than the claims that they act differently off-screen.


It makes me feel uglier and worthless by the minute and it’s because I could never be as beautiful or popular as she is. Other than the grammar issue ("and worthless" should probably be "and more worthless"), this statement further reinforces the idea that Palkia thinks that her "worth" is based on being physically attractive to men.

Oh, as an aside, when I was in High School, I noticed that the most popular girls weren't especially pretty - most of them looked fairly average. What made them stand out enough to be popular was that they acted confident and sure of themselves.


“Ello there, Braviary,” Milotic asked as she made her way towards this guy and proceeded to sit on his lap. “Lucky, isn’t she?” Again, for someone who claims to be more than a flirt, she's doing more flirting than ANYTHING else.

The unsure:
“Changing the subject, since Milotic has been left out,” he said as he winked at the blonde haired girl sitting across from him. “If Gothitelle didn’t end the battle, who would have won?”
I'm not sure about Vanilluxe winking at Milotic, because chances are she'll take the behavior to mean he's flirting back. If Vanilluxe honestly doesn't see winking as a flirtatious move, it could work, but I'd remove it to be on the safe side.

Again, why is Milotic the only one in a bathing suit while every other character there is fully clothed?

Again, I was mainly reading for the Milotic/Vanilluxe related scenes, so anything else will have to wait for me to recharge.

はるひ
30th March 2012, 3:57 AM
Why is Milotic the only on in a bikini? Well it will be said in the story somewhat when Gothitelle comes and asks her to change. She has it because she was planning to go swimming with a couple of friends that were coming over to the lab, but then Vanilluxe was there alone so she decided to change in to her suit anyway to try to get his attention.

はるひ
10th April 2012, 5:02 AM
This chapter is a hot mess of violence, tension, badmouthing and some sexism from Latios

“Why her?” Blaziken asked. “You told me that it’s only the guys.”

“I did say that, however, since she’s learning and won’t speak out of turn like a certain girlfriend of mine,” Latios explained. “I decided Palkia is strong enough to be in on our meeting.”

“Whatever,” she scoffed as she crossed her arms.

Wow, jealous much? I thought as I nodded while taking everything in. I thought it was kind of funny that Blaziken was jealous of me because I got to be in the conference and she didn’t. If she wanted in next time, she might have to learn to speak when it was her go, according to Latios of course not me. I sat there as Latios turned to his girlfriend and lowered his eyebrow.

“Blaziken, we’ve talked about this when you were with me yesterday. I told you that you could fight in the second half of the tournament but not -,” Latios tried to explain.

“But that’s a wildcard battle! Wildcard battles are only for fun. I want to be in the MAIN battle, Latios. You told me you would let me fight you,” Blaziken yelled as she cut him off.

“Blaziken, first of all, don’t ever disrespect me by cutting me off,” he said angrily as he raised his voice. “Now second of all, you knew that my main battle was guys only. Plus I said that in the halftime battle, I would be your opponent, did I not?”

So not only was he going to have a main battle, which was with the guys but he was also going to add a fun battle to it, in which us girls could join. Actually when I thought about it, it was a great idea. Because we actually got to see a more professional battle with experienced battlers first before we jump into it. It could be a great learning experience for me on my journey. Not only would it be good for me, but for the other girls and some guys.

“If I could add to this discussion here, but I thought we were told that if we made a tourney, that we should allow EVERYONE to sign up,” Braviary interjected.

“Well, if they willingly do not sign up for the serious half of the tournament, then it’s okay,” Latios said as he tried to articulate a defense for himself.

“Key word there, Latios: willingly. It don’t mean that Blaziken gets pressured into not signing in,” the red haired guy explained. “SHE has to decide for HERSELF if she wants in or not.”

It WAS true that Vanilluxe and Gothitelle told everyone that if they wanted to have a battle tournament at their house, they have to allow anyone to sign up. Which brings the question of: why didn’t Latios have this battle at his house? At least he could do what he wanted there. Here his wishes won’t be respected as much in favor of the battlers who… don’t really know what they are doing. The reason I was excited about this tournament was that I was going to get see experienced battlers fight and learn from them, the masters. If inexperienced battlers got to wiggle their way into this battle, then there would nothing for me to learn. I could have battled for that notion.

“But I wanted to see experienced battlers fight,” I said sadly. “Blaziken and I aren’t experienced and Latios and the others are. I want to learn from them.”

“Oh shut the hell up, Palkia!” Blaziken shouted. “I AM experienced. I’ve been training under the best physical combat trainer in Unova for a year and a half. I can’t say the same for you, especially since you’re sitting there like an skinny little twig.”

I was trying so hard not to punch her in her face at this point. Just because I was thinner and had a smaller frame than she did didn’t mean I had an eating disorder. I weighed less than her, so what? Was it okay for me to you know… watch how many waffles I eat a day? Plus it didn’t ignore the fact that I was higher up on the list than she was. I was still technically stronger than her, even with all that training she has received. She had no right to talk smack about me to cover up her own shortcomings.

“Wowzers, do we got resort to name calling now here, Blaziken?” Braviary asked calmly. “What Palkia said wasn’t necessary but damn, her physical appearance has nothing to do with experienced battling, y’all.”

“Now then, do me a favor and go get me a drink,” Latios said to his girlfriend in an agitated tone as he handed her over a plain sippy cup. “And fill Latias’ cup as well. Both apple juice.”

Blaziken frustratedly got up from her chair and proceeded to go into the kitchen. In that moment, all I could do is just sit and stare. For one, it would prevent her from saying anything else to me that would cause me to pull her two pigtails. Second, for that comment, I was glad that Latios had done something about it. She was at the refrigerator, just looking at everything that was going on in the dining room. I wanted to give her a “ha ha!” look, however I didn’t really care enough to do it. So I just glanced over at her as she was trying to find the apple juice.

“Yo, what’s going on here?” a familiar voice asked. “Can’t I have a relaxing and calm talk with my wife without you guys starting a fight?”

I looked over at the hallway and saw Vanilluxe, just standing there with one hand on his waist. However, his clothes were different now from when I first greeted him. He was now wearing a white shirt, about two sizes too big, tucked into a pair of baggy, elastic blue pants. He defiantly looked more comfortable, however I have no idea why the change of outfits. Upon seeing him, Milotic got up from the chair she was sitting in and ran up to hug him. However, the moment she wrapped her arms around him was when he raises his arms above his head. He just looked at the pretty young girl with a serious face as her face was buried in his chest.

“So, you have a wannabe man for a wife and you attract useless eye candy. Wow, Vanilluxe you need work big time,” Latios whispered in my direction.

While I fake-smiled at Latios, Vanilluxe glanced over at him and me as he was getting ready to pry the girl off of him. However, Milotic quickly got off of the older man and glanced over at us. I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she tried to lunge at Latios. Before she could even try to hit him, Vanilluxe stuck his arm right in front of her, keeping her back from doing that same thing.

“I am NOT useless!” Milotic screamed in tears while trying to break free.

“Hey, Milotic stop okay? You’re better than this,” the older man explained as he has his arm right in front of her. “Now, don’t give a damn about what Latios thinks of you okay? I’m your best friend and so is Braviary and we know that you aren’t useless. Plus you beat me in a battle, remember? You have strength that you will use, however know that you don’t have to be a good battler to be useful. You being a good person makes you useful. ”

Latios let out a laugh that was so loud, that the sound waves bounced off the plain white walls. We looked at him, with expressions of blankness on our faces as we tried to figure out why he was laughing. Blaziken just stood right in front of the open refrigerator, trying to figure out just what was going on while trying to avoid getting her man drinks. When he was done laughing, Latios cleared off his tears of joy and just chuckled at me.

“Palkia, did he just say that he got beat by that deadweight?” Latios asked.

“He actually did. I was the referee for their inside battle, a battle that was interrupted. However if Gothitelle didn’t yell at us, then it would have been Milotic that won the battle, I even got it in my notes,” I explained.

“Hah! Well good thing you get to see how a real battle is done,” he chuckled.

All the while, Vanilluxe seemed like he was trying his best not to respond to what Latios was saying about him. It was pretty hard for him to do so as he kept looking at the two of us. The look that he gave me suggested that he wasn’t happy with me for whatever reason. All I did was smile along with Latios, there is no harm in that and I’m not hurting anyone.

“Palkia, I am disappointed in you. I thought I told you that physical strength and battling wasn’t everything and you’re still listening to what he’s saying like as if it’s the absolute truth?” Vanilluxe asked me in a stern voice. “I’m not saying I’m a know-it-all and that everything I say is right but you need to question some of what he says. That’s all.”

“Don’t be jealous that I am a real man…” the blue haired man whispered loudly.

“Latios, a REAL man wouldn’t tell a young girl, who is trying to find her inner strength, that she would never be as strong as someone who was born with different genitals. Finally, a real man wouldn’t boss his girlfriend around and order her to get her drinks in someone else’s home. Especially since Gothitelle and I have told everyone many times that no one, except us, was allowed in that kitchen. What kind of message are you sending to Palkia here? Males are always better and a woman’s place is serving her man? You see, I saw the crap you were saying to Palkia through her notes. I will give you that males naturally have an edge when it comes to biology, however it doesn’t mean that they are always better. Women make great fighters as well and you experienced that firsthand, didn’t you Latios?” the cream haired man asked.

‘Women make great fighters as well and you experienced that firsthand, didn’t you Latios?’ When that thought came up from their conversation, it made me think of when I was in Latios’ house asking him questions. When he told me that men were naturally stronger but I asked about Gothitelle and Gothorita and he said nothing to me on them. It brings me to the question as to why he didn’t respond, and now I felt like asking him. However I didn’t want to embarrass him further, so I whispered my question to him.

“Hey, why did you dodge my question about those girls when I asked you at your house?” I whispered to him, not realizing that the others seemed to have heard me as they were laughing.

“None of your business, Palkia,” he whispered back loudly to me in an angry tone while hitting the table with his fist. “Stay out of it. Go put on your make up or something.”

But I already applied four layers on earlier… I thought as I just sat there, with my heart pounding. I didn’t realize that I have just offended Latios and in front of company. I was really hoping that this doesn’t ruin my chances of getting into that battle meeting. I mean it was an honor to be the only girl listening in on the conversation, but not that could be ruined, all because of what I just asked. Worst of all, I thought that I was being careful not to embarrass or offend him, especially with other people looking at us.

“I’m sorry, Latios,” I said as I almost had tears in my eyes.

“Palkia, it’s alright. He’s just mad cuz he got his butt kicked by two girls, that’s all,” Braviary said. “I get beaten by girls a lot. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“Oh, I just went easy on those girls. I knew they were weak, and I didn’t want to crush their egos, so I went easy on them,” Latios explained. “They thought they were manly, and as the nice guy I was, I didn’t feel like putting them in their place.”

Now, Latios is a smart guy, but I knew that what he said wasn’t true. Mostly because Gothitelle was the type of fighter that would never let her opponent go easy on her and she wouldn’t go easy on them either. She’d expect a fair and rather tough challenge. When it came to Gothorita, she would actually be offended if someone were to treat her battling as if it wasn’t serious. Some Pokemon often don’t want to fight her because of how small and young she is, but I knew that once they accepted, she can actually kick butt out there. It’s impossible for Latios to go easy on them; they’d never fight anyone who’d go easy on them. Plus it didn't seem like something he would say. With that, I just sat there and shook my head no.

“Bull! They have beaten you fair and square and YOU know it,” Vanilluxe raised his voice as he started going towards the fridge. “Blaziken, do you mind going back to your seat?”

As Blaziken started to go back to where she was sitting, Vanilluxe was picking up from where she started: pulling out the juice and pouring it into a tall glass and a generic looking sippy cup. As soon as she sat down next to her man, Blaziken looked up at Latios with an apologetic look on her face. He raised an eyebrow at her as she put her hand over his right hand and started to stroke it using her thumb.

“I’m so sorry, Latios,” she said as she sounded like she was about to cry. “I love you.”

“… I love you to,” Latios replied in an annoyed tone, presumably annoyed by the fact that he was embarrassed. “Now, can you take your hand off mine?”

She recoiled her touch as she looked at him with a confused expression. Not only that, but Vanilluxe was standing over the kitchen divider, easing in on the conversation. I was not sure about anyone else, but I could feel this conversation getting tenser and tenser by the minute. All I want at this point is for everyone to get along and to talk about the battle tournament that I got to listen in on.

“… Are you mad at me?” Blaziken asked with a worried tone.

“Somewhat. But I’m mostly mad at everyone telling me those two gender-confused girls could actually beat ME in a battle. Next time they want to step to me, I’ll show them their place, gladly. Especially the fat one,” he whispered angrily.

I slowly started to get up from my seat, just looking around in shock. I just couldn’t believe he said that about Gothitelle. I mean I understand that he snapped from the embarrassment but to call someone fat is an insult to anyone and I personally would never resort to those types of attacks. Everyone else in the room was very surprised as well. Vanilluxe just gave him the death stare from behind the counter as he brought over the drinks. However, as he was about to get closer to the table, I could hear someone coming in through the front door.

“Your door was open, sorry. Anyway, looks like I got myself into a tropical storm here,” the somewhat nerdy male voice said.

“More like a hurricane,” Braviary interjected. “Sorry ‘bout that, Haxorus.”

I turned around and saw a young man with a young girl. He had short and choppy puce colored hair topped with a dark red baseball cap that read ‘I love baseball’ in big blue letters. He had a short dark brown vest over a red t-shirt and also had matching brown pants. Now the girl hanging on his arm was a girl I disliked. Not as much as Latias or, at the moment, Blaziken but nonetheless. Sure, she had pretty medium length blue and black hair for which she’d wear a red flower in it. She also had a short kid-like, long sleeved blue dress with two vertical red stripes on in the side. The bottom of her dress looked as if it were ripped, however it was just the style.

I found this girl to be very airheaded and annoying, especially when it came to her needing to be rescued. In short, she thinks that her boyfriend rescuing her is indeed romantic and would say it a lot. I noticed that she came with a big yellow ball and was slowly rolling it on the floor. I just rolled my eyes as I looked toward the kitchen, at everything that was going on. Detecting that there would be some fireworks between those guys, I took my make-up bag and notepad and slowly started to ease my way to the living room. Even from fifty feet away, I could feel the tension of the house.

“So, you wanted apple juice right?” Vanilluxe said as he stood in front of Latios, holding the big glass in one hand and sat the sippy up on the kitchen divider.

Latios nodded as he gave the older man a confused look. “Yes, I need something to drink badly.”

Vanilluxe just stood there, narrowing his eyes at the blue haired man as he moved the glass closer to him. When the glass was about six inches from him, he stopped and continued to stare at him. He had fumes in his eyes; he looked like he really wanted to give Latios a piece of his mind. While on the other hand, the young man just sat there with a deer in the headlights look, wondering if he was going to get his drink. However, something happened which changed the mood of the room in a matter of minutes.

“Well drink up, Latios!” the older man shouted as he jerked the glass forward and purposely split all of the apple juice on the blue haired young man, also getting a good amount on Blaziken as well. However that was on accident.

Gasps could be heard from around the room as Latios doubletaked at both his dripping wet self, his shocked girlfriend and at the irate older man standing in front of him. That wasn’t very nice of him to do, I thought to myself and I could only figure that everyone else must be thinking the same thing. The blue haired man then got up from his chair, with that same fire in his eyes, just starting at the other man.

“Blaziken, move out of the way. I don’t want you to get hurt,” Latios said as he motioned for his girlfriend to leave the kitchen.

As she quickly moved out of the way, Braviary moved closer behind Vanilluxe, hoping that maybe he could prevent him from doing anything reckless. While Milotic stood behind the red haired boy with both her hands on her face in shock. Both guys as of now were still staring at each other, while the cream haired man made a fist with his right hand and began to pump it.

“What the hell was that for?” Latios raised his voice.

Then, all of a sudden, Vanilluxe, with one hand, started to grab Latios by his sweatshirt collar and started to speak. “You can talk about me, I clearly don’t give a damn what you say about me, okay?” he said calmly with an edge of anger.

“But…” Vanilluxe started to shove the blue haired man about four inches from where he was standing. “LET ME GET ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR OKAY? DON’T YOU EVER INSULT MY FAMILY!”

The older man was breathing rather quickly as he gave Latios the ‘I’m going to kill you’ stare, in which, Latios had the look of fear in this eyes, something so rare to see from him. My heart was beating quickly as well as I saw Haxorus trying to protect his girlfriend from everything that was going on. It made me wish that Dialga was here to shield me as well. His strong arms wrapped around me, whispering to me that everything was going to be okay. I needed that at the moment and bummer that I don’t have that right now.

As Vanilluxe started to lunge at the blue haired man, Braviary ran up behind him and grabbed his arm, thus, preventing him from moving any further. He was very resistant and wouldn’t go down without a fight. Haxorus had to jump in and assist the red haired boy in keeping the older man under control. I just stood frozen in my spot, the annoying black haired girl kept calling out for her mate, Blaziken ran to Latios and stretched her arms in front of him and Milotic was crying hysterically, pleading with her crush to stop trying to fight.

“Blaziken! Move out of the way!” Vanilluxe shouted while trying to break free from Braviary and Haxorus’ restraint.

“Please stop this! I love him!” the young girl yelled.

“Okay!” Braviary called out. “It’d be best if ye took Latios outside so we could handle things here.”

As Latios and Blaziken started to walk to the front door, the older man had one more thing to say to his target. “OOH YOUR SO DAMN LUCKY RIGHT ABOUT NOW BECAUSE I SO WANT TO TEAR YOU APART!”

はるひ
14th April 2012, 7:06 AM
Wittiness continues to show, Latios continues to show mild sexism, and oh spooning is slang for cuddling. And some romantic moments/sexual content.

It took some time for everyone to settle down from the ruckus; however things were looking pretty calm as of now. I was sitting at my original seat, Latios and his girlfriend were back in the house, plus he took off his sweatshirt and had a plain blue polo shirt underneath. Vanilluxe sat a few spaces next to him and was playing poker with Braviary while Milotic was hanging on him from behind, sometimes leaning on him while filing her nails. However the older man was too involved in his game to realize that she was trying to advance on him. Meanwhile, Haxorus was sitting on the right of me, with his annoying girlfriend sitting on his lap while Latios’ girlfriend sat in between his legs.

“Hey Vanilluxe, even though I don’t like you, I –“ Latios started to say in his normal tone.

“Yo, I don’t like you either,” the older man said as he turned around and cut him off.

“Ignoring the fact that you cut me off, which is disrespectful, I want to apologize to you for saying things about your wife and kid, alright? I said it because you were embarrassing me in front of everyone and it wasn’t cool, but what I said under pressure wasn’t cool either,” the blue haired man explained. “In fact, to also give apologies to where they are deserved, I want to apologize to you to, Palkia. I snapped at you because I felt you were helping him ruin me.”

All I could do was smile at him. It felt really good to hear an apology from Latios. The weird thing about it was that he hardly apologizes for what he says unless he didn’t mean to say it or that what he said wasn’t something he wouldn’t normally say. Plus, by the tone of his voice, he sounded like he really meant it. So with that, I nodded my head as I gave him a big smile as my way of telling him that I accepted his apology.

“Hmm… well I hope you are being sincere about your apologies, Latios. Though, I don’t doubt your honesty, so I will accept your apology,” Vanilluxe said as he nodded his head. “I shall apologize for spilling your drink on you and shoving you in return.”

“Apology accepted. So are you still in for the battle?” The blue haired man asked while pouring him a drink from the pitcher placed on the table. “Oh and by the way, you need to watch Miss Teeny Bopper behind you. She’s trying to put the moves on you.”

“Insults aside, hell yeah I’m still in. This was why I changed my clothes. If I am going to kick some butts, then I want to be comfortable doing so,” the cream haired man replied with a smirk.

I lightly chucked at the clothes comment as I began to put my head down on the table in boredom. Many conversations were going on all around me. Blaziken was apologizing to Latios for being rude to him, Vanilluxe was almost yelling at Milotic not to hang on him and Haxorus was talking to his girlfriend. As everyone continued to talk amongst themselves, I was feeling kind of lonely myself. All I could think about was Dialga. How I wanted him to wrap his strong arms around me and just enjoy each other all day long. I wanted to enjoy his scent and lay on his bare chest when I would unbutton his shirt. Most importantly, I wanted to be in his messy room, eating waffles with him and watching the time channel, but not really watching it.

“So… you’re Palkia right?” Haxorus asked me as he tapped me on my shoulder. “I’m cool with Dialga, so I was just asking.”

“Yes, I am, and Dialga’s my boyfriend,” I replied as I slowly began to sit up straight in my chair. “I wish I could see him. It’s been some time now and Dialga and I don’t really stay apart for long before we both start missing each other.”

“I can relate. That’s why Hydreigon and I are always together, like we are now,” he said. “Besides the fact that I can’t sleep without her to spoon with, I tend to emotionally miss her when I’m away from her for long periods of time. But anyways, Dialga might come when you least expect him to.”

TMI! Too much information, kid, just like everyone else here I laughed inside as his words about spooning echoed in my head. For some reason, I cannot get the image of a kid this nerdy having a thing for cuddling. Especially with one of the most annoying girls I know, but hey his choice. To be honest, I would like to do that with Dialga soon. While talks about his clocks and waffle makers he bought from the store with that soft spoken voice that I would just melt by listening to.

“So, when are we going to talk about the battle, Latios?” I asked him.

“Be patient, girl! I know it must feel good to be the only girl there, right?” Latios replied with a chuckle. “Anyways, the battle starts when all the battlers I’ve called get here. I’m waiting on only one more. You know that this conversation is only for people involved in the battle, plus you right? Well, this is where your first task will come in. When all the battlers get here, I will tell you what you need to do first.”

“Hey, congrats Palkia. I’m surprised to get to be in the battle meeting considering that I know Latios pretty well,” Haxorus said as he pats me on the back. “I’m also going to be battling in this tournament.”

“Well, Palkia is here to learn how to be stronger. So I let her in on the battle conversation so she’s learn how to battle effectively. Plus she’ll see how a real battle is supposed to go,” the blue haired man explained. “I told her that when she gets stronger, then she will have the privilege of going head to head with me in battle.”

And what a challenge I look forward to. I hope to get back out there and have people asking me to battle them plus have the privilege of battling strong battlers, such as Latios himself. Now that would be an awesome boost to my confidence. Especially since Latios doesn’t battle girls unless it was in a wildcard battle. I would probably he his wildcard, but who cares, as long as I got to battle him. Maybe, Blaziken should have really thought about that. I mean, she gets to battle him and show him what she’s made of. What’s the fuss about being in a serious battle? Wildcard battles are funner and you get play around a lot.

As we were all talking, the doorbell rang. I glanced over at Milotic getting up from her poker game and prancing towards the door. I was too much in to my conversation to even crane my neck to see who it could be. However, all of that changed when I heard the voice greeting Milotic and thanking her for opening the door. This wasn’t any voice, but this was the voice I’ve been dying to hear for the past five and a half hours. Soft spoken and humble, how it made me melt. I turned around and my eyes widened. There stood the guy I needed to be around, the one who makes me feel better about myself. The blue haired boy of my dreams…

Dialga… he came.

“Hey, Palkia!” Dialga exclaimed as he took off his metal chest plate.

“Dialga!” I screamed in joy as I ran to him, put my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist. “I missed you…”

“I missed you to, Palkia. It’s been hard without you,” he whispered. “Want to go sit down? I brought a few things I want to show you.”

After he puts me down, we both went over to my original seat. He sat down as I, while my back was turned to the table, put one leg over him and sat down on his lap. This way, I could talk to him more easily if I was facing him. After Dialga shook hands with both Latios and Haxorus, he lifted up a big white cloth bag and started to pull some items out of it.

“Okay, I went to the library before I came here and had to get a card, which was nerve racking because you weren’t around. But, with Haxorus’ help, I was able to get it and check out a few books,” he explained as he pulled out a thick book on spatial manipulation. “I felt really bad about having to tell you that I wasn’t going to teach you any of my powers. It broke my heart to know that I was the one who made you cry. I was close to caving in and telling you that I WAS going to teach you. I only wanted you to be happy, Palkia.”

“However, she’s not going to be happy if she relies on your powers, only temporarily,” Latios interjected. “I told Palkia that if she wants to become stronger, she needs to stop relying on men to do her work.”

“To your first statement, exactly, and that was what I realized when I spoke to you and asked you for advice,” Dialga continued. “Anyway Palkia, I decided to go to the library and get a book on spatial powers and how to use them. I know you don’t like your powers, but I got this book because I thought maybe it would be good if I taught you from the book how to use your powers. I can read it to you and I can show you, how does that sound?”

Even though I thought lowly of my spatial abilities, the idea of Dialga teaching me was something I couldn’t stop smiling about. This was a great way for me to get to know my powers and with someone that I care about. We could both have a lot of fun with this and would be a great way to bond with each other as a couple. I could learn a lot from Dialga and only he could make me feel better about my powers.

“I’d love that, Dialga.” I replied with a smile.

“Great! We can start when we are done here. Also I bought this for you,” he said as he pulled out this big pink glittery purse from the bag. “You should look inside it to see what I also got. I know you are into your make up and to make you happy…”

I opened the purse and saw a whole bunch of make ups that I’ve needed or that I’ve begged Dialga to get me. There was an assortment of nail polishes, press on nails and stick-on eyelashes. There was also shimmery foundation; some eyeliner and eye shadow, something that I’ve have been begging him to get me. Plus I’ve always wanted a real purse instead of just a pouch. As my token of gratitude, I leaned over and gave him a kiss.

“Thank you, Dialga,” I whispred. “You always make me happy.”

“I also got myself a clock that’s shaped like a rocket ship and a waffle cookbook. Neat huh?” Dialga asked.

“Yes,” I laughed. “You always find the coolest things.”

Just as I was about to lean on Dialga and take in the fact that he was here with me, the sound of the front door being welded shut scared me. I looked up, and there I saw that same annoying little girl I saw when I was at Latios’ house except she wasn’t wearing the same clothes as before. Now she has on a plain pink tank top and gray pants. It looks like she’s not punished anymore now that she’s here. Latias came with another girl, a blonde that looked the same age as Blaziken. She was tan, had shoulder length hair, blue eyes, had a white tank top and a short brown skirt on. She also had a light stress mark on the top of her forehead.

“Aww, don’t be mean to the door, Latias,” the girl said in her soft spoken voice.

“But the door doesn’t have feelings,” Latias replied.

Just by looking at this girl and her athletic physique, one would know that she is a fighting type Pokemon. I just happen to see her around more than I see Blaziken and I know that she boxes, but her personality is a bit of a surprise, never mind her voice. As soon as she saw Dialga, Latias ran to him and gave him a big hug. She then gave me a hug as well, and though I didn’t like her, I still leaned over and gave her one as well. She then skipped over to Latios and gave him a hug as well.

“Can I have a drink, Latios?” she asked.

“What do you say?” Latios replied.

“Please?” Latias asked as she held up one hand and pointed at the palm of that hand with her finger on her other hand. Pretty much the signal for please.

After he gave his little sister the cup, the other girl came up to Latios and gave him a hug, in which Blaziken gave her a weird look. She and Blaziken did shake hands, as they happen to be friends and be taught by the same person. The blonde haired girl than pulled up a chair next to Latios and sat next to him, making her friend even more uneasy. Another thing I know of this girl was that she also had a huge crush on Latios, even before he went with her friend. She’s still in love with him, but remains mutually friendly to him out of respect for Blaziken.

Now, because of the activity going on around me, I had to get off Dialga’s lap. I went over by the kitchen divider and grabbed a chair and sat next to him. Now, I could see everything going on, yet still be close to the love of my life. Also, I didn’t want to be rude to whoever was trying to talk to me.

“Hey, Palkia right? I’ve seen you before but your name escaped me,” the girl said as she shook my hand. “I’m Primeape by the way.”

“Yeah, I’m Palkia and this is Dialga,” I replied while pointing to my boyfriend. “I’ve seen you around as well. I do want to ask you something though. Are you going to be in the wildcard battle?”

“I don’t know. I really just wanted to be a cheerleader for Latios. Maybe I’ll battle just to see how far my boxing skills have come. Especially, when I learned to block attacks with Latios that day. I DID wanted to battle him as a wildcard, but only if he grants me that privilege,” Primeape explained.

During the whole conversation, Blaziken just rolled her eyes. Her eye rolling has gotten to be really annoying right about now. I mean sometimes I wonder why the attitude. Was she jealous of Primeape? That next to her, maybe she’s a better choice for Latios than her? I mean, gathering what I know about these girls, if I were to compare them by traits; Blaziken is outspoken and wants to be more involved. She generally doesn’t like to be ordered around and will say something if she doesn’t like what’s going on. Primeape on the other hand is very docile and a pushover. She has a passion for boxing and she’s good with kids. She’s just… very submissive and often lets people get away with everything.

“Why the hell do you treat him like fighting him is a privilege?” Blaziken asked in an annoyed tone as she sat up on the seat she shared with Latios. “He’s just like any other battler, but stronger.”

“But this is your boyfriend you’re talking about. But anyway, it’s because he’s a respected and experienced battler. He’s helped me a little with my boxing and has been great,” Primeape explained. “I’m saying that he comes from a line of strong Pokemon. So he’s gifted in power.”

“Key word, Primeape; gifted. He’s a legendary; of course he’s going to be strong. I love Latios, but when someone talks about themselves as if they were the greatest, I don’t care who you are, I’m going to call you out,” the sand haired girl retorted. “I mean, it’s more of a privilege to fight Gothitelle than Latios because you know something? She may not be privileged but she’s been were you and I and a lot of others have been. Like us, she had to build her strength from the bottom up and now look.”

Dialga and I were trying hard to understand what is coming out of this girl’s mouth. Was she saying that because we are legendary we are “gifted”? If they are supposed to be gifted, then why am I number twelve on the list? Why Giratina and her mother are number ten and eleven on the list? Except for Dialga, we are pretty much beaten by most non legendary Pokemon. So I pretty much had no idea what they were trying to say or imply.

“Wait, I don’t get it,” I said as I looked around for someone to answer me.

“Well Palkia, if you were born a legendary Pokemon, then you already start off strong. The more your body matures, the stronger you will naturally get. That’s what Blaziken meant by gifted. You were born with strength,” Haxorus started to explain. “We regular Pokemon have don’t have that luxury. We were all born being at the bottom. We have to exercise and train ourselves in order to become stronger. The more experience you have and the more you train and battle, the stronger you are.”

“In short, Palkia, we have to earn our strength. Yeah, you may be number twelve on the list, but the fact of the matter is that your strength was served to you on a silver platter and if you train, you could go higher up on the list,” Blaziken said.

Now I understand what they were saying, but then something bothered me about what they were saying. I practice my Whirlpool once every full moon and I don’t really get stronger, just more skilled. Dialga does get stronger every time he practices his temporal powers and better at them to. Maybe that would explain as to why he was way higher up on the list than I was. He does train a lot more than I do, but I would want to know if everything they are saying is true.

“Anyway, now that the battlers are here I want all the girls, except for Palkia, to go outside and wait,” Latios said in an annoyed tone as he motioned for them to leave.

“Okay, oh and by the way, we’re done!” Blaziken yelled as she was about to storm outside.

“Wait! Before anyone leaves, you do know that we allow anyone to sign up right? Well if you want to, now is the time to do it,” Vanilluxe said as he got up.

“Sorry, even though I’m done, I still have enough class to respect him,” the sand haired girl said as she stormed out the front door.

Everyone else mulled on it for a little while and decided that it was best not to get into the serious battle. So with that, the girls all kissed their boyfriends near the heart, as a tradition. When a Pokemon is about to go to war or a battle, their partner usually kisses them near the heart for good luck. I will be able to do that with Dialga when we all leave to go outside. Since Milotic couldn’t kiss him, she gave Vanilluxe a hug before going outside to comfort Blaziken. Primeape and Latias both hugged Latios before going out the back while Hydreigon followed after with her stupid yellow ball. Now, the conference can begin.

Psychic
14th April 2012, 8:32 AM
Vanilluxe sat a few spaces next to him and was playing poker with Braviary while Milotic was hanging on him from behind, sometimes planting kisses on his back and neck. However the older man was too involved in his game to realize that she was trying to advance on him. Meanwhile, Haxorus was sitting on the right of me, with his annoying girlfriend sitting on his lap while Latios’ girlfriend sat in between her man’s legs.
You need a sexual content warning for this before the chapter. The phrasing of the second bolded part is especially sexualized, as has been explained multiple times before.


“Dialga!” I screamed in joy as I ran to him, put my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist. “I missed you…”

He sat down as I, while my back was turned to the table, put one leg over him and sat down on his lap.
Also sexual and a reason why the warning is needed. Also, most people don't actually do either of these things. :/


It’s been five and a half hours and Dialga and I don’t really stay apart for that long before we both start missing each other.
This is also the second time Palkia whines about being away from Dialga for the same amount of time it would take to sit through two movies. This is pathetic, and Haxorus agreeing paints a pathetic picture of what relationships are really like. It's just not true. The fact that Palkia can't even live without thinking about her boyfriend for a few hours despite being surrounded by all kinds of cool, interesting people, just makes her come across as clingy and sad.


TMI! Too much information, kid. I laughed inside as his words about spooning echoed in my head. For some reason, I cannot get the image of a kid this nerdy having a thing for cuddling.
Seriously? A 14-year-old is still flirting with a married man, Blaziken is sitting in a provocative place, Palkia can wrap her legs around her boyfriend, and Palkia is grossed out by spoonig? This just doesn't make any sense. :/


You should leave the font its normal size when posting your chapters, and in your first post, please include warnings for:

-sexual content
-abuse
-sexism
-the female protagonist glorifying the sexist character

Whether or not they were done in good taste is debatable, considering how many people have complained about it repeatedly. The rating for this should be bumped up to a PG-15 unless you remove the above-mentioned things.

~Psychic

はるひ
14th April 2012, 6:50 PM
This is also the second time Palkia whines about being away from Dialga for the same amount of time it would take to sit through two movies. This is pathetic, and Haxorus agreeing paints a pathetic picture of what relationships are really like. It's just not true. The fact that Palkia can't even live without thinking about her boyfriend for a few hours despite being surrounded by all kinds of cool, interesting people, just makes her come across as clingy and sad.

What about Dialga? He's made it clear that he feels the same way as well and said that it has been hard without her, it's not just Palkia. At the same time, yes it is pathetic considering that they are around each other all the time.



Seriously? A 14-year-old is still flirting with a married man, Blaziken is sitting in a provocative place, Palkia can wrap her legs around her boyfriend, and Palkia is grossed out by spoonig? This just doesn't make any sense. :/

She wasn't grossed out, per say, she was more so laughing at the fact that he would be so open about what he and Hydreigon do at night. But at the same time, tho they don't talk about it, Milotic and Palkia but their PDA out in the open :o

Anyway, the font was big because of the new layout of this site, it makes my paragraphs go from four lines to one or two lines and it looks like I've put no effort into my paragraphs when I did. I made sure my paragraphs are big but the font here reduces them to one line.

and warnings: I've put them infront of each chapter, tho sexual content I put as romantic moments because without or without sexual content, people who come here are not wanting to read through romances. I DID put the warnings in place, but can I put female characters instead of just the protagonist idolizing said character?

The Great Butler
14th April 2012, 7:31 PM
and warnings: I've put them infront of each chapter, tho sexual content I put as romantic moments because without or without sexual content, people who come here are not wanting to read through romances.

Then you put misleading warnings deliberately. This was not romantic, it was sexual objectification of women, and you misled about it.

はるひ
14th April 2012, 8:28 PM
I'm not trying to mislead people with malicious intent. I grouped it together so that people will know that there IS shipping moments in the story, whether they are hugging, kissing or sitting on someone's lap. I'm only trying to WARN people about it by grouping it together. Also I didnt want people to think they are having sex. :0

I did do what she said, so I'm safe. (thanks to whoever changed the title, your awesome :3 )

The Great Butler
15th April 2012, 2:10 AM
You're really missing the entire point. There is a difference between 'shipping', which is a catch-all term to cover anything about relationships, and what you wrote, which is objectifying these characters and turning them into stereotypes. Marking the latter as the former is misleading because a warning for shipping will cause the reader to expect only hints or statements saying that two characters are in a relationship, not the kind of thing seen here, which would ordinarily necessitate further trigger warnings on top of the shipping one.

I'm going to be completely honest now, but for courtesy I will put it behind a spoiler so you do not have to read it if you so choose.

It makes me quite angry to see the flat-out objectification of women as helpless objects defined only by their relationship to their 'men.' That said, I keep coming back here because I desperately want to believe that this is not actually how you think and that I can get through to you and explain why this is a problem.

What you are doing wrong is not specifically writing the topics of sexism, dependency and so on. What you are doing wrong is presenting these things as completely normal and in fact idolized by some characters. Latios imprisoning and mentally abusing his little sister is wrong yet Palkia sees Latias as the misbehaving one. Latias, who has done nothing to earn her brother's abuse. Nobody bats an eye when Milotic does absolutely nothing but try to have sexual contact with Vanilluxe and later Braviary. Latios just spews sexism everywhere and few people except Vanilluxe take notice. Palkia sits there and puts on ridiculous amounts of makeup for no real reason and can't be away from Dialga for any real length of time. And in the most recent chapter, in the very first paragraph we see two male characters with their girlfriends sitting on their laps/between their legs for no reason while they just lounge there while a third has a character who has shown no traits besides wanting to 'be with' men hanging on him. There is not even anything actually going on in this scene (a symptom of much of this fic's problems, but more on that in a bit) so these three getting various levels of sexual contact from their girlfriends sticks out even more.

Latios bullying Latias (and Palkia's inexplicable defense of it) returns, too. If you're going to tell me that Latias needs to be spoken to like a small child because she has a learning disability (as you tried to do to justify The Big Letter G) then you are also portraying people with learning disabilities in an extremely offensive manner.

As mentioned above, this story suffers symptomatically from very little occurring. Even all these chapters in, I can barely make out what the actual plot is. If it is supposed to be about Palkia trying to become stronger, then why is that concept being shoved to the background in favor of Palkia's random thoughts on the world around her and chapters largely filled with nothing happening?

That is another symptom that severely cripples this story's chances. You tend to spend entire passages describing things like Palkia's makeup and her random observations on things around her, so much so that while your chapters fill up pages, they actually have very little going on in them. The way you describe certain things, such as the constant use of language like 'her man,' which sets a mood of subjugation to the man when in context, is often at best tedious; I won't go into what the 'worst' in this case is. As for plot, again, I can't make much sense out of it, and at this point it almost looks like you're having trouble yourself. I've noticed a couple of times where you appear to have simply made things up on the fly, including the tournament rules to stop Latios from banning female participants (which just happened to appear once those concerns were raised) and Vanilluxe's sudden shift of character to make him a 'fixer' of the complaints over Milotic and Latios.

Furthermore, the actual plot is incoherent. So far, we've seen Palkia get bullied at school, wander to a few houses and now somehow end up watching a tournament that doesn't appear to do much to advance the plot in a house full of men whose icea of leisurely sitting around is having their girlfriends in their laps. The recurring theme of girlfriends sitting in 'their man's' lap is outright creepy and leaves me wondering why it keeps coming up. What is most uncanny to me, however, is that you are writing a story with PG-15 content that somehow features two of its leads - the gods of time and space, no less - getting childishly excited over a rocket ship clock and waffles. None of this actually makes sense in a coherent fashion.

I strongly recommend that you take time to evaluate and decide upon what the actual plot of your story is first. You then must decide upon appropriate content and rating. You also can do better with description.

Psychic
15th April 2012, 8:31 AM
What about Dialga? He's made it clear that he feels the same way as well and said that it has been hard without her, it's not just Palkia. At the same time, yes it is pathetic considering that they are around each other all the time.
We've heard Palkia complaining the most, so she comes across as the most clingy. We don't see Dialga and Haxorus whining about it as much.

Either way, yes - the fact that any of your characters do this kind of shows that you don't know much about relationships, because this comes across as fake. I'm pointing this whole thing out because it should be changed. Nobody is going to want to read your story if Palkia is complaining every time she's away from her boyfriend for a few hours because it will make her annoying as a protagonist. Nobody, not Palkia or Dialga or Haxorus, should be doing this in the first place.



She wasn't grossed out, per say, she was more so laughing at the fact that he would be so open about what he and Hydreigon do at night. But at the same time, tho they don't talk about it, Milotic and Palkia but their PDA out in the open :o
Spooning doesn't just happen at night, and it's not like it's some deeply private thing they should be ashamed of. It's not like some crazy detail about their sex life, you know. Considering that Palkia herself wraps her legs around her boyfriend in stupid positions all the time, she shouldn't think this was something intimate for her to laugh at. Again, a 14-year-old hitting on a married man is way more attention-grabbing, and frankly, I can't believe that you won't stop doing it. Again, I say take these things out unless you want Palkia to sound immature/perverted.



Anyway, the font was big because of the new layout of this site, it makes my paragraphs go from four lines to one or two lines and it looks like I've put no effort into my paragraphs when I did. I made sure my paragraphs are big but the font here reduces them to one line.
Except that making your paragraphs huge just makes them look less professional, which is the opposite of what you want, and it's against the Fan Fiction Rules.

We also ask that you do not change the color or font size (except for headings) of your text. It may make your story harder to read, especially for those using different forum skins.[/LIST]
Anyhow, nobody is going to necessarily judge you for having short paragraphs. If you're worried about the size of your paragraphs, you can combine them or find ways to make them longer, like describing the way things sound or smell or feel like to the touch (without going overboard).



and warnings: I've put them infront of each chapter, tho sexual content I put as romantic moments because without or without sexual content, people who come here are not wanting to read through romances. I DID put the warnings in place, but can I put female characters instead of just the protagonist idolizing said character?
Whatever you may think people do or don't want to read, you need to label things clearly. We're calling it as we see it. Again, you can take out all this creepy sexual content (and other stuff) and your story won't be hurt, and more people will be willing to read it. By having it as you do now, you are driving off potential readers. If you don't mind that, power to you, but you seem like you do want reasons.

Yes, that is fine, considering that you're right - for some screwed-up reason, it isn't just Palkia who doesn't mind sexism...



I'm not trying to mislead people with malicious intent. I grouped it together so that people will know that there IS shipping moments in the story, whether they are hugging, kissing or sitting on someone's lap. I'm only trying to WARN people about it by grouping it together. Also I didnt want people to think they are having sex. :0

I did do what she said, so I'm safe. (thanks to whoever changed the title, your awesome :3 )
Shipping moments and sexual content are two different things, and that's why you need to mention both of them if you include both in your story. If you don't want people to think it's actual sex, then explain what kind of sexual content it is so people know what they're getting into.

Yes, I'm the one who changed the title. Thank you for making the change, though you didn't need to delete the other warnings you already had. Also, please do add

-teenager flirting with a married man


I'm also going to reiterate some points The Great Butler made, as they are absolutely worth listening to.



What you are doing wrong is not specifically writing the topics of sexism, dependency and so on. What you are doing wrong is presenting these things as completely normal and in fact idolized by some characters.
Butler said it better than I could. We know you're just trying to create different, interesting characters and that you want to do it tastefully, but that's not the way it comes across. Multiple people have said this, and considering how many people have said this, you should be listening to it and making the right changes. This is what writers do, whether they're beginners or advanced writers. If you want to be taken seriously and respect as a writer, you need to listen when people say things like that, and make the changes.

The fact that one character takes note of it doesn't mean you're off the hook, because the rest of the characters ignore it and act like it's normal. Sexism isn't normal or healthy or good, and it shouldn't ever be encouraged like this. That is a big part of your problem in portraying sexism, and again, why we keep saying you just should not cover it right now.



You tend to spend entire passages describing things like Palkia's makeup. The way you describe certain things, such as the constant use of language like 'her man,' which sets a mood of subjugation to the man when in context, is often at best tedious; I won't go into what the 'worst' in this case is.

...a house full of men whose idea of leisurely sitting around is having their girlfriends in their laps. The recurring theme of girlfriends sitting in 'their man's' lap is outright creepy and leaves me wondering why it keeps coming up.
This is another good point, because it brings up the fact that you are portraying your female characters and their relationships with their boyfriends in a somewhat sexist way. Constantly obsessions over makeup and women always sitting in laps make them sound shallow and like their worlds revolve around being with their boyfriends. That's not normal. That sends the message that a girl who had a boyfriend is wanted, and girls who don't have boyfriends are not wanted or not worth as much. It also sends the message that girls should always be as close as possible to their boyfriends at all times, as if they're happily wearing a collar and leash which takes away their freedom of doing things without their boyfriends. It takes away their independence. You create a bad impression.

Neither men nor women enjoy being in that kind of relationship, and if you think it's normal you're in for a rude awakening. These kinds of relationships are poisonous, especially when it leads to both of them feeling like they can't be separated for the same amount of time they would be in for two classes. If you can't go to school normally without your boyfriend/girlfriend, something is wrong. The fact that you portray these things as being normal is a problem.

And the "her man" or "his woman" kind of language is also negative because it implies that the relationship is imbalanced, and that's not a good, healthy or normal thing. Just changing it to "her boyfriend" or "his girlfriend" makes a huge, positive difference.


~Psychic

はるひ
17th April 2012, 9:15 PM
Alright, I fixed some parts, everything else, let me think on it but I do want to point out that I think one girl in particular gets a little too much leeway in these reviews.

Oh and just because I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend mean you know.... The reason why the others are hangy because when I am at, I see that literally all the time.

The Great Butler
18th April 2012, 12:28 AM
Alright, I fixed some parts, everything else, let me think on it but I do want to point out that I think one girl in particular gets a little too much leeway in these reviews.

And who would that be?


Oh and just because I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend mean you know.... The reason why the others are hangy because when I am at, I see that literally all the time.

What are you even talking about? This barely even makes sense, but if what you're saying is that all the lap-sitting is okay, well ... sorry for being blunt, but just because you saw Kim Kardashian doing it doesn't make it okay.

Sorry, but if you are actually serious about improving, you are going to have to stop making excuses and start directly tackling the things people are telling you. I just looked over the chapter and I only see one noticeable change - no more 'her man' - while the rest of it - completely inappropriate lap sitting, Latios bullying and patronizing Latias, Palkia obsessing over makeup - all is still present. This is not how you fix something that is this flawed. You have to begin tackling item-by-item the things people are telling you, because this combined with your continuing to make excuses instead of take this seriously is beginning to make me think you are simply ignoring criticism.

はるひ
18th April 2012, 1:44 AM
I didn't do the others because I am still thinking on it. I'll be honest, I do not agree with you on some parts, what's why I didn't make some other changes right away like with the others that were mentioned. the ones I made right away, three of them to be exact was these parts:

-the part where Milotic was kissing on a certain guy; I changed it to lean on him while filing her nails.
-the part where Palkia seemed to be grossed by spooning, I also made her grossed out by something worse going on as well (its worded as everyone else)
-and yes the "her man" part, which to be honest, I didn't think it was bad but i changed it anyway. Plus it sounded a little wack (slangy)

Now on to the points that I disagree with:

-bullying Latias; this one kinda made me upset because, when I was around that age, I had to also do the please sign. And it wasn't because I had special needs, in fact, at home I was being treated the same as any ordinary normal kid. I had to do it because it taught me manors. Same with in the classroom, tho I was in a class full of kids with disabilities, some worse than mine, we had different ways of saying please. I just gave Latias my way of saying please when I was a kid. Plus Latias is a child. She's 7 years old. Kids are being taught manners these days and when a child asks for something, they get cued to say please/thank you. We weren't being bullied, I know I wasn't, when I or another kid was ask "what do you say" it was to remind us to say please. So when I saw that comment, it figured that you just misunderstood as to why I did that. I can understand it being deamning when she's 10 and up because by then she should know better but she's 7, pretty much kindergarten age.

-the lap sitting. Okay, I admit, lap sitting was a thing in the 90s or even in the 2000s, they still did it when I was in school. At lunch, most of the girls would sit in their boyfriends laps. They weren't sex objects. I admit that it's also pretty taboo, but can't these couples be close to each other someway some how? I mean I thought they can sit on each other's laps because they are a couple. Unless lap sitting is banned... which I thought it wasn't.

-make up, yeah I did say to to someone else that Palkia putting on four layers is much. But I wanted to ask this: is there anything wrong with loving make up or wanting to put on make up? Reason why some girls put on make up is to look presentable.

But yeah this was everything i disagreed with you on and wanted to address it. and pretty much why I didn't hop to the rest right away like the others.

Ememew
18th April 2012, 3:44 AM
This is over the last two chapters, so please try to read the whole thing.

“Why her?” Blaziken asked. “You told me that it’s only the guys.”

“I did say that, however, since she’s learning and won’t speak out of turn like a certain girlfriend of mine,” Latios explained. “I decided Palkia is strong enough to be in on our meeting.” He refers to Blaziken, to her face, as “a certain girlfriend of mine” as though he’s talking to someone else rather than to her. It’s a small detail, but it reinforces the idea that he doesn’t see her as a person with an opinion that matters. Also, what does he consider “out of turn” here? Interrupting or speaking at all?


“Whatever,” she scoffed as she crossed her arms.

Wow, jealous much? I thought as I nodded while taking everything in. I thought it was kind of funny that Blaziken was jealous of me because I got to be in the conference and she didn’t. Um, why is that funny? Latios has just denied access to the meeting to someone who he's presumably close to, but allows someone else who he’s met more recently in because she’s “stronger.” To Blaziken, being told she can’t come but this other person can is kind of insulting to put it mildly. How would you feel if you were excluded from something while someone else was allowed – especially if that someone shared the same traits that prevented you from being a part of it?
If she wanted in next time, she might have to learn to speak when it was her go, according to Latios of course not me. I sat there as Latios turned to his girlfriend and lowered his eyebrow. By the bolded part, do you mean that Latios decides who is allowed to speak when, or do you mean that Palkia is just saying that she only has Latios’s word for evidence that Blaziken speaks out of turn? Because the phrasing here isn’t really clear. If it is indeed the latter, I don’t think you’d need to include it at all because the audience already sees that Latios has had more dealings with Blaziken and meetings of this manner than Palkia has.

Also, I don’t usually hear the term “lowered an eyebrow.” Usually the term is “raise” rather than “lower” when indicating a character moving their eyebrows to show skepticism, disapproval, or whatever else the expression conveys in the scene.


“Blaziken, we’ve talked about this when you were with me yesterday. I told you that you could fight in the second half of the tournament but not -,” Latios tried to explain.

“But that’s a wildcard battle! Wildcard battles are only for fun. I want to be in the MAIN battle, Latios. You told me you would let me fight you,” Blaziken yelled as she cut him off.

“Blaziken, first of all, don’t ever disrespect me by cutting me off,” he said angrily as he raised his voice. “Now second of all, you knew that my main battle was guys only. Plus I said that in the halftime battle, I would be your opponent, did I not?” By telling Blaziken that she may only participate in the superfluous battle and not the serious one, Latios is essentially telling Blaziken that he does not see her as serious, but rather as silly. Why does she put up with this? I know she objects in this particular scene and all, but she later just gives in and continues to act lovingly toward Latios even though all the reader has seen from Latios is that he thinks Blaziken is not to be taken seriously or that her opinion doesn’t matter in comparison to his.


“If I could add to this discussion here, but I thought we were told that if we made a tourney, that we should allow EVERYONE to sign up,” Braviary interjected.

“Well, if they willingly do not sign up for the serious half of the tournament, then it’s okay,” Latios said as he tried to articulate a defense for himself.

“Key word there, Latios: willingly. It don’t mean that Blaziken gets pressured into not signing in,” the red haired guy explained. “SHE has to decide for HERSELF if she wants in or not.” Braviary has a good point here, but unfortunately it gets ignored after Palkia makes her opinion heard. He says this, but the idea of Blaziken’s opinion mattering doesn’t really get brought up again. Also, the fight seems to have changed from being allowed to listen to the pre-battle conversation to being allowed to participate in the actual battle –with Blaziken excluded from both. Since Palkia’s invited, apparently they didn’t have to sign up to talk.

I’d say Blaziken has a right to be angry here. Especially in light of this scene:
“Why her?” Blaziken asked. “You told me that it’s only the guys.”

“I did say that, however, since she’s learning and won’t speak out of turn like a certain girlfriend of mine,” Latios explained. “I decided Palkia is strong enough to be in on our meeting.” This scene makes it look like Blaziken only agreed to the wildcard battle in the first place because she was told girls couldn’t participate. Since the circumstances have changed via Palkia being invited to listen, then I think she has a right to object even though she agreed to the previous conditions. I understand Palkia isn’t being invited to fight, just to listen, but this change in conditions IS what prompted Blaziken to bring it up her objections to the agreement again in the first place.


It WAS true that Vanilluxe and Gothitelle told everyone that if they wanted to have a battle tournament at their house, they have to allow anyone to sign up. Which brings the question of: why didn’t Latios have this battle at his house? At least he could do what he wanted there. Here his wishes won’t be respected as much in favor of the battlers who… don’t really know what they are doing. The reason I was excited about this tournament was that I was going to get see experienced battlers fight and learn from them, the masters. If inexperienced battlers got to wiggle their way into this battle, then there would nothing for me to learn. I could have battled for that notion. Because they can’t learn by taking part? It’s not like they can go from inexperienced to experienced by watching from the sidelines, and the more powerful fighters would be the ones left standing at the end, anyway.

But Palkia brings up a good point. Why does Latios insist on having his tournament with his rules in a location where he’s been told he has to let anyone who wants to sign up? Is he trying to show off his authority by making the rules at someone else’s house?


“But I wanted to see experienced battlers fight,” I said sadly. “Blaziken and I aren’t experienced and Latios and the others are. I want to learn from them.” Even if you are allowed to sign up, that doesn’t mean you have to do so, Palkia. Seriously, is it that hard for her to just not watch Blaziken’s fight if she doesn’t want to rather than bar Blaziken from participating even though she wants to be involved in the serious battle?


“Oh shut the hell up, Palkia!” Blaziken shouted. “I AM experienced. I’ve been training under the best physical combat trainer in Unova for a year and a half. I can’t say the same for you, especially since you’re sitting there like an skinny little twig.” And Blaziken loses a lot of her sympathy by resorting to insults, which I assume was your intent. At the same time, I can see why she’s angry enough to be pushed to it. She’s just been insulted by Latios and Palkia by being told she cannot take part in the serious fight or conversation, even as Palkia is invited to the latter.


I was trying so hard not to punch her in her face at this point. Just because I was thinner and had a smaller frame than she did didn’t mean I had an eating disorder.But Blaziken never said that (in this version, anyway). In this version, she basically just called Palkia scrawny, which could as easily have been a reference to her muscle mass as her weight. Palkia’s the one who drags eating disorders into the mix. Which leaves the reader to wonder why exactly Palkia jumps to this and leads them to some unnerving conclusions.
I weighed less than her, so what? Was it okay for me to you know… watch how many waffles I eat a day? And this reinforces them.
Plus it didn’t ignore the fact that I was higher up on the list than she was. I was still technically stronger than her, even with all that training she has received. She had no right to talk smack about me to cover up her own shortcomings. No, but apparently since Palkia’s higher on the list she has the right to make sure Blaziken is excluded from activities she wants to participate in. Wait, what?

Again, I agree that people shouldn’t put other people down in order to make themselves feel better. But this is exactly why I don’t like PALKIA doing so either. But she does, both here and later. And her reasoning is all based on the characters’ locations on the list. Why does being able to beat someone else in a fight give one of them the right to insult or order the other around?


“Now then, do me a favor and go get me a drink,” Latios said to his girlfriend in an agitated tone as he handed her over a plain sippy cup. “And fill Latias’ cup as well. Both apple juice.”

Blaziken frustratedly got up from her chair and proceeded to go into the kitchen. In that moment, all I could do is just sit and stare. For one, it would prevent her from saying anything else to me that would cause me to pull her two pigtails. Second, for that comment, I was glad that Latios had done something about it. She was at the refrigerator, just looking at everything that was going on in the dining room. I wanted to give her a “ha ha!” look, however I didn’t really care enough to do it. So I just glanced over at her as she was trying to find the apple juice. Again, Palkia’s taking enjoyment in another character being bossed around. But more importantly, it is clear that Blaziken resents being ordered to serve Latios. Why are these two boyfriend and girlfriend when all the audience has seen them to is argue with each other and Latios order Blaziken around? Why does she put up with having her opinion overridden all the time?

Also Latias seems to just suddenly be mentioned out of nowhere. I don’t remember her being mentioned in the house before. I looked back at the part where Latios and Braviary arrived, and didn’t see her edited in there, so it looks like she just came out of nowhere. If Palkia just didn’t notice her before, she should at least comment on her sudden mention. Example: “I looked around, surprised at the mention of Latias’s name. I had not noticed her here. I spotted the girl and realized her brother must have brought her along because he couldn’t find a babysitter, but she had been so quiet I hadn’t registered that she was there . . .”


“Yo, what’s going on here?” a familiar voice asked. “Can’t I have a relaxing and calm talk with my wife without you guys starting a fight?”

I looked over at the hallway and saw Vanilluxe, just standing there with one hand on his waist. However, his clothes were different now from when I first greeted him. He was now wearing a white shirt, about two sizes too big, tucked into a pair of baggy, elastic blue pants. He defiantly looked more comfortable, however I have no idea why the change of outfits. Upon seeing him, Milotic got up from the chair she was sitting in and ran up to hug him. However, the moment she wrapped her arms around him was when he raises his arms above his head. He just looked at the pretty young girl with a serious face as her face was buried in his chest. Again, the reason people keep mentioning this part of Milotic’s character is because unless you have character development and a resolution for this in mind, you don’t really need this subplot in the first place. Why does Milotic need to act on her crush in such a forceful and unhealthy fashion? At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if you said she was stalking Vanilluxe because of how obsessive her actions have been. She can have a crush without hanging on the guy and trying to make sexual advances all the time.

Do you actually have a planned resolution for this subplot?


“So, you have a wannabe man for a wife and you attract useless eye candy. Wow, Vanilluxe you need work big time,” Latios whispered in my direction.

While I fake-smiled at Latios Ok, I’m going to stop you here. First she laughed along with the insult, then you edited it to be a smile, and now a fake-smile. None of these are any less hurtful to Vanilluxe or Milotic. They don’t know her smile is a fake, so they think Palkia’s joining in with Latios and agreeing with his insults. When you are insulted and other people join in it hurts your feelings. Do you actually want Palkia to be portrayed like this? As someone who will hurt other people’s feelings in order to be accepted by whoever the stronger/more popular party in a disagreement is? Because that behavior will not be very likable to the readers.
Vanilluxe glanced over at him and me as he was getting ready to pry the girl off of him. However, Milotic quickly got off of the older man and glanced over at us. I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she tried to lunge at Latios. Before she could even try to hit him, Vanilluxe stuck his arm right in front of her, keeping her back from doing that same thing.

“I am NOT useless!” Milotic screamed in tears while trying to break free. Milotic is hurt by these words, and Palkia is just smiling away. Even if it is a fake smile, can’t you see how her doing so looks to Milotic?


Blaziken just stood right in front of the open refrigerator, trying to figure out just what was going on while trying to avoid getting her man drinks. 1st: remember what Psychic and The Great Butler said about phrasings like “her man”? Just change it to “her boyfriend” and that will help.

2nd: You show that Blaziken (rightfully) resents being bossed around by having her trying to avoid following Latios’s orders. So why does Blaziken want Latios as a boyfriend again if she knows her opinions don’t matter to him?
“Palkia, did he just say that he got beat by that deadweight?” Latios asked.

“He actually did. I was the referee for their inside battle, a battle that was interrupted. However if Gothitelle didn’t yell at us, then it would have been Milotic that won the battle, I even got it in my notes,” I explained. By saying “yeah” basically Palkia is saying “Vanilluxe was beaten by ‘that deadweight’” – calling Milotic useless. I’m sure this is not what you actually intend by this, so why doesn’t she even try to object to the use of the term deadweight to refer to Milotic?


“Hah! Well good thing you get to see how a real battle is done,” he chuckled.

All the while, Vanilluxe seemed like he was trying his best not to respond to what Latios was saying about him. It was pretty hard for him to do so as he kept looking at the two of us. The look that he gave me suggested that he wasn’t happy with me for whatever reason. All I did was smile along with Latios, there is no harm in that and I’m not hurting anyone. Milotic’s tears suggest otherwise. I really hope the next few scenes will include Palkia learning that her behavior hurt Milotic. If so, then there’s a chance for a good learning experience that can lead to character development. If not, then the inclusion of Palkia saying she’s “not hurting anybody” being treated as though it’s fact is really sort of creepy.

By her current logic this scene also wasn’t hurting anybody:
“It’s okay, Cress,” I heard a guy’s voice say to her. “She’s a loser, that’s all there is to it.”

“Yeah,” I heard a girl’s voice say. “Everyone knows she’s just jealous because you’re better than her and you’re pretty much the only deity in this class. Entei’s right, she is a loser.”

At that moment, I want to scream at them


“Palkia, I am disappointed in you. I thought I told you that physical strength and battling wasn’t everything and you’re still listening to what he’s saying like as if it’s the absolute truth?” Vanilluxe asked me in a stern voice. Just a nitpick, but the sentence Vanilluxe says is a statement rather than a question as it’s written here. You can make it a question by adding something like “so why are you” in place of “and.”
“Latios, a REAL man wouldn’t tell a young girl, who is trying to find her inner strength, that she would never be as strong as someone who was born with different genitals. Finally, a real man wouldn’t boss his girlfriend around and order her to get her drinks in someone else’s home. Especially since Gothitelle and I have told everyone many times that no one, except us, was allowed in that kitchen. What kind of message are you sending to Palkia here? Males are always better and a woman’s place is serving her man? You see, I saw the crap you were saying to Palkia through her notes. I will give you that males naturally have an edge when it comes to biology, however it doesn’t mean that they are always better. Women make great fighters as well and you experienced that firsthand, didn’t you Latios?” the cream haired man asked. Well done, Vanilluxe. Too bad the later continued actions of the female cast as just hanging on their boyfriends makes it look like he’s only saying this to parrot back what your reviewers are telling you in hopes that his inclusion will make them stop bringing these flaws up.

This may not be your intent, but if you want to prove that, you’ll have to show some more growth for your characters, particularly Palkia and the majority of the female cast.


“None of your business, Palkia,” he whispered back loudly to me in an angry tone while hitting the table with his fist. “Stay out of it. Go put on your make up or something.”

But I already applied four layers on earlier… I thought as I just sat there, with my heart pounding.Her reaction to Latios dismissing her as frivolous is to think that she’s already done that particular action? Really? Latios just told Palkia “your opinion doesn’t matter, do something unimportant to get out of my face” and she barely reacts. She wanted to punch Blaziken in the face for doing the exact same thing earlier, so why the complete lack of reaction when Latios says it?

Don’t say it’s different because Blaziken actively called her names and Latios just dismissed her by telling her to put on makeup. Both actions were aimed to tell Palkia that she was less important than them in order to make themselves feel better. So why the different reactions?

Now, Latios is a smart guy, but I knew that what he said wasn’t true. Mostly because Gothitelle was the type of fighter that would never let her opponent go easy on her and she wouldn’t go easy on them either. She’d expect a fair and rather tough challenge. When it came to Gothorita, she would actually be offended if someone were to treat her battling as if it wasn’t serious. Some Pokemon often don’t want to fight her because of how small and young she is, but I knew that once they accepted, she can actually kick butt out there. It’s impossible for Latios to go easy on them; they’d never fight anyone who’d go easy on them. Plus it didn't seem like something he would say. With that, I just sat there and shook my head no. Good, Palkia’s finally questioning Latios.


“Bull! They have beaten you fair and square and YOU know it,” Vanilluxe raised his voice as he started going towards the fridge. “Blaziken, do you mind going back to your seat?”

As Blaziken started to go back to where she was sitting, Vanilluxe was picking up from where she started: pulling out the juice and pouring it into a tall glass and a generic looking sippy cup. As soon as she sat down next to her man, Blaziken looked up at Latios with an apologetic look on her face. He raised an eyebrow at her as she put her hand over his right hand and started to stroke it using her thumb.

“I’m so sorry, Latios,” she said as she sounded like she was about to cry. “I love you.” The “her man” bit aside for now, I’m not sure why Blaziken is going back and apologizing to Latios when he’s the one excluding her from the fight. I mean, if she was apologizing for taking her frustration out on Palkia or for getting angry over some silly tournament, it might work, but this is just some blanket apology that could be taken as her saying sorry for having a different opinion from Latios. It might help if you make her apology more specific (and actually show Latios respecting her opinion on topics from time to time, because it seems weird for her to like someone who thinks her thoughts are meaningless).


“Somewhat. But I’m mostly mad at everyone telling me those two gender-confused girls could actually beat ME in a battle. Next time they want to step to me, I’ll show them their place, gladly. Especially the fat one,” he whispered angrily.

I slowly started to get up from my seat, just looking around in shock. I just couldn’t believe he said that about Gothitelle. I mean I understand that he snapped from the embarrassment but to call someone fat is an insult to anyone and I personally would never resort to those types of attacks. Everyone else in the room was very surprised as well. Vanilluxe just gave him the death stare from behind the counter as he brought over the drinks.Why do so many insults in this chapter involve weight? Why do so many people idolize Latios when he throws insults around so easily?
“Well drink up, Latios!” the older man shouted as he jerked the glass forward and purposely split all of the apple juice on the blue haired young man, also getting a good amount on Blaziken as well. However that was on accident.
Well, that was certainly childish. I don’t blame him for doing so, but I can’t help but wonder if he only did this to add “conflict” to the chapter (not that it needed a boost in this regard). Especially since any consequences from this event seem to be dropped by the beginning of the next chapter. The dropping of any immediate consequences as soon as the next scene occurs is a recurring issue with your story that I address more in general notes later.

My heart was beating quickly as well as I saw Haxorus trying to protect his girlfriend from everything that was going on. It made me wish that Dialga was here to shield me as well. His strong arms wrapped around me, whispering to me that everything was going to be okay. I needed that at the moment and bummer that I don’t have that right now. Because Dialga being there with his arms around you is a much safer position than, I don’t know, leaving the area altogether until things calm down? Just saying that this isn’t exactly the most logical reaction for Palkia to have at this point.


“Please stop this! I love him!” the young girl yelled.

“Okay!” Braviary called out. “It’d be best if ye took Latios outside so we could handle things here.”

As Latios and Blaziken started to walk to the front door, the older man had one more thing to say to his target. “OOH YOUR SO DAMN LUCKY RIGHT ABOUT NOW BECAUSE I SO WANT TO TEAR YOU APART!” And now we go from Vanilluxe and Latios trying to hurt each other to “everyone has had time to calm down” in the next chapter. I mean, I guess it works, but it seems like you’re relying on characters insulting and arguing with each other to move the story along, as most of the last scenes have consisted of Milotic and Blaziken insulting each other, Blaziken and Palkia insulting each other, Latios insulting Milotic, or Latios and Vanilluxe insulting each other. Not much has really “happened” beyond that.

It took some time for everyone to settle down from the ruckus; however things were looking pretty calm as of now. I was sitting at my original seat, Latios and his girlfriend were back in the house, plus he took off his sweatshirt and had a plain blue polo shirt underneath. Vanilluxe sat a few spaces next to him and was playing poker with Braviary while Milotic was hanging on him from behind, sometimes leaning on him while filing her nails. However the older man was too involved in his game to realize that she was trying to advance on him. Meanwhile, Haxorus was sitting on the right of me, with his annoying girlfriend sitting on his lap while Latios’ girlfriend sat in between his legs. And surprise, surprise, we open to the males just hanging out while the females hang on to them with no one reacting in any way other than to suggest that the guys just expect the girls to be on top of them like an extra article of clothing.

Seriously, you are not helping your case here.

And no, I do not find it believable that Vanilluxe is none the wiser to Milotic’s actions now that he knows that she was trying to advance on him earlier. He should be aware of her actions by this point. At least you edited out the kissing.


All I could do was smile at him. It felt really good to hear an apology from Latios. The weird thing about it was that he hardly apologizes for what he says unless he didn’t mean to say it or that what he said wasn’t something he wouldn’t normally say. Plus, by the tone of his voice, he sounded like he really meant it. So with that, I nodded my head as I gave him a big smile as my way of telling him that I accepted his apology. So all is forgiven as though it never happened, even though there’s notably no apology for calling Milotic a useless deadweight. Maybe it was implied, so moving on.


“Oh and by the way, you need to watch Miss Teeny Bopper behind you. She’s trying to put the moves on you.”

“Insults aside, hell yeah I’m still in.Woah, wait a minute. “Insults aside?” Really? Not only does Vanilluxe brush off the fact that Milotic was demeaned by Latios yet again (when she was literally in tears from this last chapter and still likely in a vulnerable emotional position), he also ignores the fact that Milotic is trying to flirt with him again? Really? This just seems so unrealistic of a response.


I lightly chucked at the clothes comment as I began to put my head down on the table in boredom. Many conversations were going on all around me. Blaziken was apologizing to Latios for being rude to him, Vanilluxe was almost yelling at Milotic not to hang on him Oh, so he does notice. And jumps to almost yelling rather than trying to explain to Milotic why he’s uncomfortable with this. In fact since it came to Vanilluxe’s attention, he hasn’t said anything to Milotic that lets her know WHY her behavior is an issue. Of course she’s not going to stop if she doesn’t know why there’s a problem! Again, unless you actually plan on having some sort of reason for this to be a subplot, I don’t see the need for Milotic to exhibit this behavior in the first place.
and Haxorus was talking to his girlfriend. As everyone continued to talk amongst themselves, I was feeling kind of lonely myself. All I could think about was Dialga. How I wanted him to wrap his strong arms around me and just enjoy each other all day long. I wanted to enjoy his scent and lay on his bare chest when I would unbutton his shirt. Most importantly, I wanted to be in his messy room, eating waffles with him and watching the time channel, but not really watching it.

“So… you’re Palkia right?” Haxorus asked me as he tapped me on my shoulder. “I’m cool with Dialga, so I was just asking.”

“Yes, I am, and Dialga’s my boyfriend,” I replied as I slowly began to sit up straight in my chair. “I wish I could see him. It’s been some time now and Dialga and I don’t really stay apart for long before we both start missing each other.” Normal couples can be apart for a good while before they start missing each other (especially when they have good reason to think the other is OK, as Palkia does). It’s not like he’s been kidnapped or something. :/ How do Dialga and Palkia expect to eventually get jobs if they can’t stand being apart long enough to do one?


“I can relate. That’s why Hydreigon and I are always together, like we are now,” he said. “Besides the fact that I can’t sleep without her to spoon with, I tend to emotionally miss her when I’m away from her for long periods of time. But anyways, Dialga might come when you least expect him to.”

TMI! Too much information, kid, just like everyone else here I laughed inside as his words about spooning echoed in my head. For some reason, I cannot get the image of a kid this nerdy having a thing for cuddling. Really, this part almost looks like the problem Palkia has with Haxorus talking about his love-life is that he’s a nerd . . . Even adding the “just like everyone else here” comment doesn’t really mitigate it that much, especially since Palkia goes on to publicly display her own affection once Dialga does show up.
“Well, Palkia is here to learn how to be stronger. So I let her in on the battle conversation so she’s learn how to battle effectively. The bolded part doesn’t really work. I think you mean “so she can learn” or “since she’s learning” here.

I mean, she gets to battle him and show him what she’s made of. What’s the fuss about being in a serious battle? Wildcard battles are funner and you get play around a lot. Maybe because being told she cannot fight in a serious battle means to her that Latios doesn’t see her as serious? Just maybe? Just because Palkia thinks wildcard fights are more fun (not “funner”), doesn’t mean Blaziken feels the same way. Why should Blaziken be denied what she wants to do just because Palkia’s interests lie elsewhere?


This wasn’t any voice, but this was the voice I’ve been dying to hear for the past five and a half hours. Soft spoken and humble, how it made me melt. I turned around and my eyes widened. There stood the guy I needed to be around, the one who makes me feel better about myself. The blue haired boy of my dreams…

Dialga… he came. Seriously, they’ve only been apart 5 and a half hours. See my earlier question about how these two intend to make a living eventually when they can’t be separated long enough to even do an 8 hour job.


“Hey, Palkia!” Dialga exclaimed as he took off his metal chest plate.

“Dialga!” I screamed in joy as I ran to him, put my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist. “I missed you…”

“I missed you to, Palkia. It’s been hard without you,” he whispered. “Want to go sit down? I brought a few things I want to show you.”

After he puts me down, we both went over to my original seat. He sat down as I, while my back was turned to the table, put one leg over him and sat down on his lap. This way, I could talk to him more easily if I was facing him.Again, her comment about spooning and the other public displays of affection seem rather hypocritical when her first reaction to Dialga’s presence is to sit on him in a suggestive manner.
Just as I was about to lean on Dialga and take in the fact that he was here with me, the sound of the front door being welded shut scared me. I looked up, and there I saw that same annoying little girl I saw when I was at Latios’ house except she wasn’t wearing the same clothes as before. Now she has on a plain pink tank top and gray pants. It looks like she’s not punished anymore now that she’s here.This would make a lot more sense back with the apple juice, as that was when Latias was first mentioned as being there. Why is Palkia acting surprised that Latias is there when she was mentioned last chapter? The chronology doesn’t make sense.

Also, “welded”? Is Latias literally melting the door to its frame? Or do you just mean to say she slammed it closed?


“Aww, don’t be mean to the door, Latias,” the girl said in her soft spoken voice. Why does Primape word this this way? If she’s saying “don’t be mean to the door” in order to put it in 7-year-old terms, then it’s rather condescending. If she’s seriously concerned Latias being “mean” to the door, I question Primape’s grasp on reality.


“But the door doesn’t have feelings,” Latias replied. I found Latias’s reply funny, at least. I’m just not so sure about the set-up to it.


“I don’t know. I really just wanted to be a cheerleader for Latios. Maybe I’ll battle just to see how far my boxing skills have come. Especially, when I learned to block attacks with Latios that day. I DID wanted to battle him as a wildcard, but only if he grants me that privilege,” Primeape explained. Did and wanted both signify that this happened in the past, so you only need one to be there in past tense. Either just say “wanted” or say “did want”.


During the whole conversation, Blaziken just rolled her eyes. Her eye rolling has gotten to be really annoying right about now. I mean sometimes I wonder why the attitude. Was she jealous of Primeape? That next to her, maybe she’s a better choice for Latios than her? I mean, gathering what I know about these girls, if I were to compare them by traits; Blaziken is outspoken and wants to be more involved. She generally doesn’t like to be ordered around and will say something if she doesn’t like what’s going on. Primeape on the other hand is very docile and a pushover. She has a passion for boxing and she’s good with kids. She’s just… very submissive and often lets people get away with everything. Another girl that sacrifices her opinion :/ I get that this is a personality trait that some people have, but does this have to be present in nearly all of your female characters?


“Well Palkia, if you were born a legendary Pokemon, then you already start off strong. The more your body matures, the stronger you will naturally get. That’s what Blaziken meant by gifted. You were born with strength,” Haxorus started to explain. “We regular Pokemon have don’t have that luxury. We were all born being at the bottom. We have to exercise and train ourselves in order to become stronger. The more experience you have and the more you train and battle, the stronger you are.”

“In short, Palkia, we have to earn our strength. Yeah, you may be number twelve on the list, but the fact of the matter is that your strength was served to you on a silver platter and if you train, you could go higher up on the list,” Blaziken said. This distinction between legendary and regular Pokémon has the potential to be an interesting story point if you follow up on it. What are the typical interactions between the groups like? We see some resentment of legendaries’ inborn power from Blaziken here, and maybe admiration from Primape, but what of the larger world? Does this distinction affect their leadership structures? We’ve seen a legendary (Cresselia) referred to as a Goddess, so are we to assume that this is a position only a legendary can reach? There’s a lot of potential for plots and world-building from this distinction.


Now I understand what they were saying, but then something bothered me about what they were saying. I practice my Whirlpool once every full moon and I don’t really get stronger, just more skilled. Dialga does get stronger every time he practices his temporal powers and better at them to. Maybe that would explain as to why he was way higher up on the list than I was. He does train a lot more than I do, but I would want to know if everything they are saying is true.Isn’t this the same “practice every day” advice she already wrote in her notes from talking to Vanilluxe early on? Why is she acting like this is new information she never thought of before?


“Anyway, now that the battlers are here I want all the girls, except for Palkia, to go outside and wait,” Latios said in an annoyed tone as he motioned for them to leave.

“Okay, oh and by the way, we’re done!” Blaziken yelled as she was about to storm outside.

“Wait! Before anyone leaves, you do know that we allow anyone to sign up right? Well if you want to, now is the time to do it,” Vanilluxe said as he got up.

“Sorry, even though I’m done, I still have enough class to respect him,” the sand haired girl said as she stormed out the front door. Wait, what? Did Blaziken just break up with Latios? If so, where’s Latios’s reaction? If not, then what just happened?

General Notes:

1) I’m not always sure you are working on making a coherent plot or just ignoring past scenes once you move to a new one. For example, Palkia and Dialga have just arrived at school when they leave again. The school day had just started. The fight happens, and then they leave without any consequences. Then they go back to Dialga’s and immediately decide to “ask the strongest” – something that couldn’t take more than a half-hour tops, and Palkia goes to Latios’s. I’ll give Latios the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s already graduated from high-school since he’s 18, but why isn’t 7-year-old Latias in school? A few hours later (according to Palkia she’s only been away from Dialga 4 hours during part of the conversation at Gothitelle’s house), Milotic, Blaziken, Braviary, and other school-age teens all gather there even though (based on the fact that Palkia left just as school started) school should still be in session. This is an easy enough fix: just have the Palkia/Cresselia incident happen toward the end of the school day, but it is a symptom of the pattern of you seemingly dropping earlier points once brought up. Another example of this is Palkia’s surprise at hearing that practicing her powers more often might help her become stronger even though she already heard this advice a few chapters ago.

2) World-building. The List remains important to Palkia and other characters, but we the readers know almost nothing about it beyond the fact that being measured by the list is apparently optional. We don’t know who made it or why, despite promises that you’ll explain it later. Well, there’s not much else actually happening in the story beyond a bunch of teens hanging out, so why not pick up the main plot again with some more information about their world? You’ve done a bit with the Legendary/non-legendary distinction to add to world-building, which could be quite interesting if followed up on, but this story would benefit from a clearer picture of what the world is like. Likewise, you mention that the teacher in the school is a human. It might be a good idea to explore human/Pokemon interaction. Are humans and Pokemon treated as equals or does the fact that one group has powers and the other does not cause any friction? What does being a “God/Goddess” mean in this world when characters who go to school with other teens like normal are considered deities?

3) Pacing and plot. Not much has actually happened in a while, and the story seems to be relying on the regular arguments and personality conflicts between characters to move it forward. Not much has really focused on the overall goal of the story in a while. Palkia has basically gone on and on about not liking her own appearance/powers, got picked on and snapped at school, fled, and decided to talk to the strongest Pokémon. That was fairly well paced. But now it’s just been her sitting around listening to a bunch of teenagers insult each other and argue about their boy/girlfriends. You really need to pick up the pace again. A primary antagonist might help, but the main candidates for that either are idolized by Palkia (Latios) or haven’t appeared since the school (Cresselia). Palkia’s goal is to ask the top 5 how to become strong, but then what? What does she plan on doing once she is strong? Heck, the two of the top 5 she came to her current setting to see haven’t even had an appearance in the last few chapters. Instead the focus has been on Palkia sitting there as she puts on makeup and listens to the other characters fighting among themselves.

4) Treatment of female characters. -Silver-, you have all the guys conversing about whatever comes to mind while the girls sit on them provocatively or argue with each other about who is more/less attractive (be it in terms of appearance, personality, or power) to the males. It’s like your female characters can’t have a single conversation without somehow turning the topic to whether or not they can attract mates. This is not how normal women talk. Normal women talk about pretty much the same things guys do. Normal relationships are not about constantly being in physical contact with the object of one’s affection. Most people don’t react to having a crush the way Milotic does and healthy relationships do not consist of the girl always submitting to the guy. You don’t even have any of the female characters object when Latios is insulting Milotic/Gothitelle/Gothita/Palkia/Blaziken or whoever else he’s insulting at the time. Vanilluxe, a guy, does the objecting for them. Why is this? Why don’t any of your female characters defend themselves?

The Great Butler
18th April 2012, 6:25 AM
Now this is what I wanted to see! Silver, you're debating the points we've raised with you now, and that's exactly what I was trying to say you should try to do. Now, let's roll up our sleeves and get to work, shall we?

First of all, I would like to repeat my question about who this girl who gets "too much leeway" is, because I don't think you've answered it yet.



Now on to the points that I disagree with:

-bullying Latias; this one kinda made me upset because, when I was around that age, I had to also do the please sign. And it wasn't because I had special needs, in fact, at home I was being treated the same as any ordinary normal kid. I had to do it because it taught me manors. Same with in the classroom, tho I was in a class full of kids with disabilities, some worse than mine, we had different ways of saying please. I just gave Latias my way of saying please when I was a kid. Plus Latias is a child. She's 7 years old. Kids are being taught manners these days and when a child asks for something, they get cued to say please/thank you. We weren't being bullied, I know I wasn't, when I or another kid was ask "what do you say" it was to remind us to say please. So when I saw that comment, it figured that you just misunderstood as to why I did that. I can understand it being deamning when she's 10 and up because by then she should know better but she's 7, pretty much kindergarten age.

Wait, wait, wait, stop right there. It's pretty clear given this paragraph that you are trying to imply Latias has a mental disability on top of being only seven, and this depiction of her is absolutely one of the must utterly disrespectful things I have ever read. You're also trying to pull the disability card to score sympathy points, and that's not going to work.

Latias may or may not have a mental disability and she definitely is only seven. That does not excuse anything you have done. What you are implying is that Latias deserves to be spoken to disrespectfully and deserves to be tormented by her brother and deserves to be trashed by Palkia all because of her age. This is also the first time I have ever even heard of a "please sign." "Please" and "thank you" are words, and we get taught to say them. I don't know where you were raised but "ordinary normal kids" aren't taught that they have to beg with hand signals when they want a drink.


-the lap sitting. Okay, I admit, lap sitting was a thing in the 90s or even in the 2000s, they still did it when I was in school. At lunch, most of the girls would sit in their boyfriends laps. They weren't sex objects. I admit that it's also pretty taboo, but can't these couples be close to each other someway some how? I mean I thought they can sit on each other's laps because they are a couple. Unless lap sitting is banned... which I thought it wasn't.

Again, I don't know where you grew up, but I grew up at the same time and I saw some pretty horrific stuff - and "most of the girls sitting in their boyfriends' laps" was most definitely not one of them. I never saw this happen, so your attempt to paint it as a fad is dubious at best.

Of course characters who are couples can be close to each other. The problem is that you seem to think that the only possible way for couples to be close to each other is intimate or sexual contact, which tells me you really need to learn more about how real relationships work.


-make up, yeah I did say to to someone else that Palkia putting on four layers is much. But I wanted to ask this: is there anything wrong with loving make up or wanting to put on make up? Reason why some girls put on make up is to look presentable.

You're showing it to be one of few character traits Palkia has, along with being fascinated with getting stronger (which is very sparsely referenced) and her apparent disdain for female characters who stand up for themselves, not to mention that the makeup thing has been beaten into us the last few chapters.

Ememew's (very astute) comments put some more thoughts in my head. One, Palkia is nominally the protagonist, yet she supports Latios's nastiness without fail, is spiteful towards those younger and weaker than her, puts disproportionate focus on strength and appearance, and obsesses over her boyfriend to an unhealthy degree. She is essentially the quintessential "mean girl" you see in the stereotypical high school movie. Why should we support her as a protagonist given all this?

Looking over bits of a previous chapter in Ememew's post also made me realize just how clear it is, the bizarre gap between some of the mature behaviors exhibited by the characters and their extremely childish fascinations. Seriously, why are waffles coming up so often? What about Latios drinking out of a sippy cup?

I don't know what else I can tell you anymore. You're clearly very eager to please people with this story, but your lack of planning and odd concepts, not to mention the disgusting sexism, demeaning of women and now what sure looks like denigration of a mentally ill child (which is at the very least a brother abusing his sister instead of respecting her), I don't know who you really expect to find interest in this fic.