View Full Version : Return of Brethren; Rated G

29th January 2012, 11:10 PM
Return of Brethren
A fanfiction by Justin Cook

I have a pm list. Just ask to be in it.
Pm list

well, i hope you like it. its my first serious fic. please rate and enjoy

Chapter 1: Special Delivery

One day, as Ash and company were walking through the woods in Eastern Unova, Ash caught a glimpse of a flying Pokemon in the air, circling above them.

“Wha… What is that?” Ash said, as he pointed to the bird.

Cilan and Iris both looked up at this sudden outburst. Just then, the Pokemon had swooped down upon them. Pikachu was the only one that noticed that it was holding something. He tried to alert Ash, but to no avail. As it came close, Ash then recognized it as a Wingul – a small water- and flying- type Pokemon native to the region of Hoenn.

“Oww…” Iris screamed as the mail hit her in the face. She then looked at it to find out who it was for, just as her Axew had popped out of her hair. “It’s for you, Ash.”

“For me?” ash said in disbelief. “But who would send me mail? Wait, its from somewhere in Hoenn.” His eyes got wide “It can’t be…”

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to open it or just stand there and do nothing?” Cilan popped in.

“Well, here goes,” Ash said, and then he began to read. “Dear Brother, I do wish to inform you that I am currently studying under Professor Birch. He was gracious enough to take me under his wing. Oh yea, Mom wanted me to tell you to make sure to change your you-know-whats every day…” Iris giggled at this “Anyway, I want to invite you and your friends to come and stay with me for a couple of weeks. I’ve arranged a ferry to take you from Castelia City to Slateport and I will meet you there. Your tickets are in the envelope that Peeko had delivered. Mr. Briney will meet you in Castelia. See you soon! –Justin”

“You have a brother?” Iris said after a moment. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Umm… I didn’t think it was that important that I tell you everything…”Ash responded quickly “Oww! Why’d you do that?” Cilan had just hit Ash in the head with a newspaper that had appeared out of nowhere.

“Well, I think we ought to get to Castelia,” Iris said after a short silence. “After all, the letter did say a Mr. Briney would meet us there.”

As Ash and the gang arrived at Castelia City, They noticed a giant billboard saying “Your Ad Here”. They found it quite amusing because it was the most random thing you could ever see. Most of the billboards in Castelia City had actual ads on them, not just a vacant ad space.

“Hey, let’s go to the dock, he’s sure to be there!” Iris sang as she ran towards the dock.

When they got there, they saw a plump old man snoozing in a lounge chair. He wore a button-up shirt with a floral print and beige cargo shorts. He even wore flip-flops, Not your standard Ferryman’s outfit. He was quite sunburnt, seeing as he was there about half the day, as a few locals could attest to. He also had a strangely familiar Pokemon on his chest.

“Umm…Mr. Briney?” Iris asked as she poked the old man in the side.

“Confounded! You young folk don’t know how to let an old feller get some shuteye! Err…” He corrected himself after he noticed Ash. “Why, Hello, Ash. Doing well I presume. Well, let’s get going you three.”

“You must be well known,” Cilan said. “Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Cilan, and this is Iris.” Iris blushed at the mention of her name.

Well then, let’s get going. We’ve a while to go,” the old man said. “Peeko, anchors aweigh! We’re off!”

29th January 2012, 11:16 PM
Since when does Ash have a brother?
Very cool fanfic.
PM list please!

29th January 2012, 11:48 PM
Well, i have made a character that will bebiod next time i use something other than a tablet.
So u want in? Then so be it.

1st February 2012, 8:39 PM
Bump. Rates please?

20th March 2012, 12:22 AM
Chapter two is under way. Please be patient, loyal patrons

20th March 2012, 3:10 AM
Your chapters should each be at least two pages long on Microsoft Word, and you should not be triple-posting just to bump a thread.

As for your story, the "my original character is a relative of a canon character, even though it's clear that character doesn't have that relative" often just ends up as a writer's wish-fulfillment self-insert or a Gary-Stu. You may want to look into preventing those things, because those kinds of characters generally aren't very appealing to anyone reading but you. Anyhow, you also need to spend more time describing the scenery (what are "the woods" like?), describing all the characters (describe Ash and co. as well as Mr. Briney), and describing actions, from Mr. Briney jumping up from his seat to the journey the gang makes to get to him. Incidentally, just by doing that you should add enough length to bring your chapters to the two-page minimum.

You should also beware of bad characterization. For instance, I don't watch the show, but I don't think Iris acts as flighty as she does here, blushing at her name, and Cilan has so little dialogue he feels almost absent. You also have silly mistakes, such as

“For me?” ash said in disbelief.
"Ash" needs to be capitalized.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to open it or just stand there and do nothing?” Cilan popped in.
Repetition of "stand there" needs to be fixed.

Spend more time rereading your chapters before posting them so you can proofread for mistakes. Use a word processing program to make sure you meet length requirements and ensure you don't make small typos - using a tablet isn't an excuse. Save it and work on it over a few days and put in the time and effort. Please read the Fan Fiction Rules before you post again.


20th March 2012, 2:42 PM
Like Psychic said, making an OC a long-lost relative of a canon character is frowned on and is regarded as a hallmark of a Mary Sue or Gary Stu. This is especially so if, as you did with Ash in this story, you take a character who is known to be an only child and give him or her a sibling for no reason other than the fact you think it would be "cool" if they had a brother or sister.

Also, if you're going to write about canon characters, I strongly urge you to watch the TV series and pay careful attention to the characters and what makes them tick. And I would also recommend reading Advice For Aspiring Authors - it contains some useful pointers on how to write a decent story.