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aswertyuiol
10th February 2012, 8:15 PM
One Little Eevee



Chapter 1: Newborn

The sun slowly, dryly, almost reluctantly, came up. Its warm shafts of light poked through the few small holes in the clouds. A single street of Goldenrod City appeared to be waking up. The wet branches one by one dripped their rain off. The drips of one single branch on one single tree dripped into a cardboard box which was placed unfortunately in the exact right spot to get wetter than had it been placed somewhere else. The contents of this box, as you, the reader, may be wondering, was a tiny brown cat-like creature with a white tipped tail and a white fur collar. It gave a tiny yawn, showing its sharp white teeth. As if being urged by something to get up, it rolled over and stretched its wobbly legs. It stumbled forward a bit and bumped its head on what appeared to it as the edge of the earth. This was, of course, only the wall of cardboard which disagreed with the baby's freedom.



Do you like what I've written so far? This is only the first half of the first chapter.

Chibi_Muffin
10th February 2012, 9:17 PM
The description itself is lovely, very vivid, though the 'you, the reader' bit may be uncalled for. However, to be honest, what you've written only seems to be equivalent to one paragraph, not the half a chapter you claim it to be... It's just far too short. Chapters need to be about two pages long, it's in the rules. As such, there isn't much for me to review here. So, there isn't anything I can say other than make it longer! MUCH longer! And after you make it a lot longer, I shall come back, and review it for real!

はるひ
10th February 2012, 11:04 PM
Your supposed to post the full chapter when you post your story, I think.

anyway; it doesn't really feel like a story to me, it feels like your just talking about it. Maybe get rid of the "you the reader" part, it'd feel more like a story. Other than that, I found it pretty bland and boring so far. But, don't let that get you down. I'm just one who doesnt find most fics interesting.

Jonah the Slaking
10th February 2012, 11:13 PM
Your supposed to post the full chapter when you post your story, I think.

anyway; it doesn't really feel like a story to me, it feels like your just talking about it. Maybe get rid of the "you the reader" part, it'd feel more like a story. Other than that, I found it pretty bland and boring so far. But, don't let that get you down. I'm just one who doesnt find most fics interesting.

With all due respect, I think you're high. This is very vivid and lifelike.

As for my view, it's pretty good so far, but you better post the rest of the chapter before one of the mods closes the thread.

bobandbill
10th February 2012, 11:42 PM
As for my view, it's pretty good so far, but you better post the rest of the chapter before one of the mods closes the thread. Whoops. =p

Sorry, but yeah... rules are rules. Only post the full chapter when done and be sure also to meet that 2-page-minimum requirement (exceptions can be made at times if the writing is of a high enough standard, but if that's half than two paragraphs is really quite short).