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Pokemonpal7
12th February 2012, 8:17 PM
Hey everyone, this is a new fanfic I've made. I doubt many of you will know me (just look at my post count) but I'm not letting that push me down. Depending on the how you receive the fanfic, I shall continue. Only if at lesast 3 people comment. I would rate this fanfic around PG, as I don't know if I'm going to put love in or not. Oh, and I know the end bit is a bit na´ve, but still, it is what it is. Now, let the fanfic- Begin!

In The Real World

Prologue

It finally happened. Everyone knew it would eventually, although some doubted that the ship would make it. Satoshi Tajiri and Ken Sugimori must have somehow known about this new world. This new world of Pokemon. The planet was in a Goldilocks zone, with humans, but rather than animals, they had Pokemon. Scientists had been amazed to find the planet that had featured in cartoons and games for 16 years. Somehow, someway, Tajiri and Sugimori knew about this planet, and had been plagued with reporters from all over the world. Me? I was glued to the programmes, raking Bulbapedia of every last word, playing my games and talking on Pokemon sites, as they had flooded with thousands of new users. The ship, the Noah 3, had been sent with a message to the Pokemon World, but not only a message, people had been sent. My father was one of them, and with the newly found invention of travelling through hyperspace, they would be gone a month or so before being back, carrying 1000 of each species of pokemon. The ship was so large as it had been built by superstitious scientists fearing 2012 would happen, so it was large enough to hold 1billion people, so the Pokemon would have plenty of room. They were bringing back pokeballs and potions, and the science behind them too. Rumour was going about that they had two of each legendary Pokemon too. I knew my father would tell me if it were true, so all I had to do was wait. And wait. But today is the day they come back.

I'm at the NASA space station, waiting with my mother and twin sister in front of millions of people. There are a few other families stood next to us, and I can see my best friend, Howard, whose dad had also been on the trip. We had been in America for a couple of days now, and today was the day they were coming back. Me and Howard were totally psyched, and promised to be travelling partners. All the people under the age of 18 but 10 or over in the families who had relatives going on the mission were getting their starters free, and I knew exactly which one I wanted. It would be Treecko, always Treecko, my first in-game pokemon, my first in-life pokemon. Oh, and I'm Jay by the way. I'm 12, like my friend, and by the time we've beaten the British Pokemon League, the American League and the Japanese league, we'll get licenses to go to the Pokemon World, which has been dubbed Unusen combining the two greatest ancient civilisations words for 1- Latin Unus, Greek En. 2 pokemon of each species would be kept as potential starters, and be breedable, while the other 998 of their species would be released into the wild. Personally, my dream is to be awesome at everything- battling, breeding, contests, the lot. You only get one go at this. This is life, not some DS game you can restart whenever you want. My dream team is gonna be a Treecko, a shiny shinx and some other Pokemon. I'll be honest with you this day is going awesomely, if a little unreal. I really feel like I'm dreaming, it's just... weird. Aargh, I feel so odd! Pokemon is real! And it's happening to me- to everyone! That's all I'm telling you for now, but I'll be back with more news on this amazing stuff!

Anther weird thing is, the pokemon aren't even here yet and they're already having a positive effect on Earthen people- all wars have stopped and been put to peace in the presence of more humans, as we don't want to look like idiots or maniacs. Everyone has a goal in life now- to become Pokemon Masters!

Tylar
13th February 2012, 7:55 AM
This made an interesting read! :) Am looking forward to the first chapter.

-Tylar.

Chibi_Muffin
13th February 2012, 10:08 AM
I like the idea, but it needs a bit more explanation. For example, it says Jay is very excited, but how is he excited? Why is it that when the Pokemon are brought back, all of a sudden there is world peace? That seems kind of random to me. Why are they bringing back lots of Pokemon? (they'd also need more than just one breeding pair of each in captivity to prevent inbreeding as well) Why is it that as soon as they beat their home country's League, that they get to go straight to the home planet? Surely only the strongest could go to this Unsen, maybe beating the League not just in the UK, but in places like France, the USA, and Japan of course - unless it's a champion prize. Basically, just add lots more description and explanation into it, so it sounds more natural and it makes more sense that Pokemon would be brought back to the real world.

Your writing is a bit clunky too. You need to split it up into paragraphs. Remember, a paragraph is a bit of text, and each block of text is on a new line. If you are changing what you are talking about, when or where this is happening, or a new thing happens, you make a new paragraph. Also, the top part reads like a traditional story, but the bottom reads more like a diary entry or a letter. You might want to tweak it a bit, either by getting rid of the Jay and PS at the bottom, or adding a To or Dear at the top.

I'm not saying your writing is bad by any means, I'm just saying that it needs work. Perhaps just flick through that prologue, consider if things make sense or not, and just explain it through or begin a new paragraph. I hope you feel like I have helped you, and that you have luck as you continue this story.

Pokemonpal7
13th February 2012, 12:17 PM
I like the idea, but it needs a bit more explanation. For example, it says Jay is very excited, but how is he excited? Why is it that when the Pokemon are brought back, all of a sudden there is world peace? That seems kind of random to me. Why are they bringing back lots of Pokemon? (they'd also need more than just one breeding pair of each in captivity to prevent inbreeding as well) Why is it that as soon as they beat their home country's League, that they get to go straight to the home planet? Surely only the strongest could go to this Unsen, maybe beating the League not just in the UK, but in places like France, the USA, and Japan of course - unless it's a champion prize. Basically, just add lots more description and explanation into it, so it sounds more natural and it makes more sense that Pokemon would be brought back to the real world.

Your writing is a bit clunky too. You need to split it up into paragraphs. Remember, a paragraph is a bit of text, and each block of text is on a new line. If you are changing what you are talking about, when or where this is happening, or a new thing happens, you make a new paragraph. Also, the top part reads like a traditional story, but the bottom reads more like a diary entry or a letter. You might want to tweak it a bit, either by getting rid of the Jay and PS at the bottom, or adding a To or Dear at the top.

I'm not saying your writing is bad by any means, I'm just saying that it needs work. Perhaps just flick through that prologue, consider if things make sense or not, and just explain it through or begin a new paragraph. I hope you feel like I have helped you, and that you have luck as you continue this story.

I'm actually glad you've given me the constructive criticism, I see what you mean. What I meant is that people are too in awe with the new discovery. I will edit this to make it a bit better, I thank you for the criticism.