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Shade2000
16th February 2012, 6:21 PM
this is chapter one of a book i am writing, it is unfinished and is desperately in need of a name. if you have any ideas please say so.
hope you like it.

THE WRETCHED RED AND WHITE BALLS


Lou scampered across fields, through forests and over rocks. He passed Deerling and Stantler, Sewaddles and Beedrill, Geodudes and Boldores. All were a blur. His feet pounded at the ground in rapid succession. His long, jet black ears tearing at the air behind him. His blood red eyes flashed around taking in the scenery on his right, left and in-”WOAH” he exclaimed, a tall red brick wall towered above him blocking his way, a strong smell of crumbling cement hung thickly in the air. However to his left the wall ended abruptly. Lou more than cautiously peered his head around the side, but he quickly jutted it back behind the rotting corner of the unrepearable wall. Behind the wall there was a metal fence that shimmered jollily in the scorching may sun, and behind that fence human cubs. Lou was gutted he let out a long sigh and flopped down on a nearby rock, he had to get back to The Arena to tell Rio and Louc the bad news. He put his head in his worn sky blue paws and pondered over how he was going to get out of this sticky situation.

There was a new girl in class 5H. She stood at the front of the class with her hands behind her back, unmoving. Her long dead strait brown-grey hair cascaded like a waterfall down her back, her eyes, almost identical in colour to her hair, scanned the room apprehensively, a yellow shoulder bag rested boyishly on her hip, a white and purpley-pink GPS system was attached to the strap. Nobody said a word not even Ms Hilda, the only sound was the whirring of her Buizel’s tail as it stood arrogantly beside her. Finally Ms Hilda broke the awkward silence, “children, I would like you all to meet Alex.” she announced blankly.
Shade sat, head on arms, no really listening to Ms Hilda blabbing on about Alex, anyway it was absurd to be joining school in May, the school year was over in a month and a half. He however dismissed this thought, and resumed his thoughts of what he was going to do at break with his Luxio, Lux. Lux gave a crackle as he knew exactly what Shade was thinking, but that malevolent crackle was cut short as Alex said “shall I sit next to that girl with the red hair?” Shade’s head snapped up and he glared fiercely at Alex, her face said it all, have I said something wrong? Her grey-brown eyes flickered from apprehensive to nervous. There was a long silence. Then everybody except Alex, Ms Hilda and Shade (who slowly became as red as a tomato) burst out hysterically laughing, Alex shrunk back towards the white board her cheeks turing a deep pink. Ms Hilda nodded towards Alex, while trying to keep from laughing, Alex advanced nervously towards the twin desk, her pink and white shoes shuffling quietly, one of her turquoise socks had fallen down to her ankle. She sat slowly down next to Shade who’s head was buried in his skinny arms. The class was still laughing incontollably.
The class were told to get ready for everyone's least favourite lesson, Pokemon Classification, this month they were studying; ghost, dark and poison types.
“Now class today, as always, we are studying one from each one of those three types, this time we are studying, Ghastly, Sneasel and Zubat.” A groan rippled through the class, apart from Sneasel those were three of the commonest pokemon you will ever see.
Shade could tell Alex wasn’t listening too hard either so under his breath he muttered to her,
“I’ll get you back for this.”
Forty minutes later the Bell rang drearily for break, the whole class jumed from their blue plastic chairs energetically and hurriedly shoved their neon pink books inside immensely messy desks and charged towards the door. They rampaged down the corridor like a giant wave, destroying everything in it’s wake, Shade, however hung back.
He leaned, uncaring and scruffily against the wall outside his classroom, waiting for Alex to come out of the deserted classroom. She walked out seconds later, looking lost, only to be pounced on by Shade, who started saying something about revenge so quickly and incomprehensibly that Alex just stood there staring at him, suprised.
After a bit of calming down Alex finally realised what Shade had been trying to say all along.
“BATTLE ME, I need to get you back for calling me a girl”
At the sound of the word battle, Lux’s fur crackled enthusiastically with electricity. Alex looked down her nose at the blue four legged creature beside Shade and said
“Against that thing no way!”
Shade grunted loudly in disgust, and followed it with
“Fine, i’ll go easy on you and use a fire type.”

Outside Shade and Alex were preparing for their battle, and they were preparing for it a bit to seriosly. They could have just done a typical school-kids battle, run out the door and lobbed their pokéballs at each other, frantically commanding attacks through the the cries and shouts of their pokémon hoping against hope to win. Instead Shade and Alex had actually prepared, by now they had got the feild they needed and all that was left was to call forth their pokémon and get the battle underway. Alex was using her trusty Buizel and Shade was (unfortunately for him) using his under used Slugma.
“Come and play Buizy” called Alex, thrusting an outstretched index finger forward, Buizy, following her lead sprang out over Alex’s shoulder and zig-zaged foward to the center of the battlefeild leaving a trail of upturned mud behind it.
“Ok, Lava, win this for me” yelled Shade, with less enthusiasm, throwing Slugma’s pokeball high into the saphire, cloudless sky before it exploded into a blinding white light and out came an orange lava-slug with flaming eyebrows, two blobs of fat red-hot drool dangled from it’s upper jaw, its lava skin bubbled intimidatingly as it let out a coarse batle cry,
“Slug, SLUGMA”
“Hey Shade, ready to be hammered by Buizy” called Alex in a teasing vioce.
“Yeah” came a dreamy reply “right after i caught this Riolu”

Lou froze, his was on all fours crawling cautiosly along a strage, bumpy, red, slanting surface and just bedd spotted, incoveniently, by a human who had long red hair
and a devios smirk. Then out of the blue, spinnning menacingly towards his head spun an pokeball, fortunately lou’s lightning quick reflexes reacted just at the right time. He jumped craftily off the roof and did a backflip in the air, then just as he’d predicted when he was exactly upside down the pokeball made contact with his left foot, he twisted his body round so that he was side ways and forcefully heaved his leg forward and the pokeball, shot back towards it’s owner like a bullet, then with the sound of cracking branch, hit Shade right between the eyes, causing his to stumble backwards and land on his butt in the parched grass. When Shade lokked up aty the roop again Lou had dissapeared as suddenly as he appered.
Finally, Lou thought to himself, i’ve got rid of those wretched red and white balls.

Chibi_Muffin
16th February 2012, 8:58 PM
I'd give you some title ideas, but I have no clue what the story is about. The first paragraph seems to be in the perspective of a Pokemon (judging by the limited description, possibly a Riolu), the second is in a school, and the third swaps between the two. This is very confusing, as you haven't marked out the change in who the focus is on. Marking the swap with a title like this:

-----Lou------

Could help clear it up.

You need to split up the paragraphs as well. Remember, whenever there is a new place, time, event or character, you start a new paragraph. Speech also belongs in its own paragraphs, but you seem to have that down.

The description itself is very good though, quite clear. It's just hard to read in that big old chunk of text. Basically, you just need to clean it up a bit.

As for the title, I'd say choose a phrase describing either the plot or the main character, so the reader gets an idea about what the story is about and the title isn't too cheesy. Try to avoid the words quest, adventure, story and tale as well. Good luck!

Shade2000
17th February 2012, 7:25 PM
Ok, yeah, lou is a riolu. ok, i'll try and do those things you said.