View Full Version : Seviper and Dawn
20th February 2012, 2:22 PM
Rated PG-14 Tragedy.
If any one wants to comment on this story just send me a pm or vm.
Just for everyone to know the Seviper is a shiny Seviper.
One day Dawn out walking in the jungle having fun and minding her own business,
little did she know that a pair of eyes were staring right at her. The eyes belonged to none other then a 40 foot Seviper that could talk and had hypnotic powers. Seviper said ďSay now what do we have here?Ē Itís a girl walking all alone in the jungle she will make a fine meal iíll just follow her and wait for her to go to sleep then Iíll make my move.
Dawn "Man it is so fun walking in the jungle it is so peaceful out here the sun is out pokemon are having fun, and the breeze is blowing softly." A few hours later, "man Iím getting very tired I think Iím going to take a nap by this tree." Seviper "ha nows my chance ill just lower my tail and pull her up." As Dawn was resting she all of a sudden felt something start to wrap her up it started at her stomach and pinned her arms down. "Hey what is going on? Why are there coils around me? Someone help me please help!" As soon as Dawn said that a coil went around her mouth and she was slowly brought up into the tree. As soon as she stopped she came face to face with a Seviper.
Seviper "Hello little girl what are you doing way out here all by yourself. Donít you know that there are scary pokemon out here that can hurt you?"
As Dawn was struggling to get out of the coils she heard the pokemon talk and froze with fear and bewilderment.
End of chapter 1
20th February 2012, 2:26 PM
Dawn just couldn’t believe what she was hearing a pokemon talked. Seviper "hello so what are you doing all the way out here?" Seviper asked as he removed the coil from her mouth.
Dawn stared at the seviper for awhile wondering if it was safe to talk to him. After thinking about it she finally said “ Hi I was enjoying a walk until you grabbed me and brought me up here!”
Seviper "I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you I just wanted to say hi and talk to you I get so lonely up here."
Dawn "oh well you could have came down and woke me up instead of scaring me like that." Seviper "I’m sorry." Dawn "so what do you want to talk about?"
Seviper "Well why do humans capture pokemon?" Dawn "well that’s a big subject. You see," Seviper and Dawn talked and talked about tons of stuff that had to do with pokemon being captured till it was time for dinner.
Dawn "man I’m hungry."
Seviper/ would you like to come to my place for dinner? Seviper asked with a strange look in his eyes. Dawn noticed it but didn’t think about it very long.
end of chapter 2 sorry it isn't very long
So Dawn went with Seviper to his home. Dawn “ So Seviper how long have you lived in this jungle?” Seviper “long enough to be over fifty years old.”
Dawn “ Wow that’s a long time. Do you ever get lonely out here by yourself?”
Seviper “Yes all the time.” “No one likes to hang out with me. So most of the time I just sit all by my self with no one else around.”
Dawn “Oh man I’m starting to feel really bad for this Seviper”
Seviper “What would you like to eat? There is an apple tree right over there. Would you like one of those.”
Dawn “Yes please. They look very good.”
After Dawn ate some apples she fell back and sat down on the ground.
Seviper “Are you full?”
Dawn “Yes. Thank you.” Aren’t you going to eat?
Seviper “Yes I’m going to eat you.”
Before Dawn could grab one of her pokemon balls Seviper coiled around her and started to hypnotize her.
Seviper “You shouldn’t trust pokemon or people you run into so quickly”
Dawn “What pretty eyes I can’t look away.”
Seviper “Yes keep looking into my eyes you know you don’t want to stop.”
After a couple of minutes of Seviper hypnotizing Dawn she finally becomes his slave.
Seviper “So what should I do with you first before I eat you?” hmm I don’t know your name. what is it my dear?
Dawn “My name is Dawn.” She said with a huge smile on her face.
Seviper “Well Dawn.” What should I do with you first? Should I eat you or have you do tricks? Dawn “Which ever one you choose master is alright by me”
Seviper thought about it for a while. “I know why don’t you do a back flip.” He said as he started to uncoil her. So Dawn stood up and did ten backflips. “is that good for you master, or do you want me to do more?” seviper thought about something else he could have her do, and came up with a hard one. “ Here is something else you can do. You are going to battle me. if you win you are free to go, but if you lose I get to eat you.”
“Alright master, but am I allowed to use my pokemon?”
“No Dawn just you and me.”
“Ok then lets start”
So they both got ready to begin to dual. “Alright Dawn it’s time to Fight”
“Ok master i’m not going to hold back”
Seviper started out the attack by using wrap, but Dawn evaded it, and went in to try and punch Seviper. After about ten minutes of dualing seviper made went in with a bite which Dawn evaded, but she didn’t see his tail come up from behind, and grab her by the stomach. “Well Dawn you lost now I get to eat you. Are you ready?”
“Sure thing.” “Aright here I go.”
So seviper started to open his jaws, and when he got them fully open he started to eat her first by the head, and slowly making his way down to the stomach. Dawn was enjoying being eaten( she is hypnotized by the way) and loved the fill of seviper’s muscles pulling her futher down his throat. As seviper continued to work his way down Dawns body he got to the stomach, and the rest of her started to slip down easier. He finally made it to the legs, and to help those down he lifted his head and allowed gravity to do it’s job.
As soon as Dawn feet went down his throat Seviper closed his mouth, and stretched out his coils to allow Dawn’s body to move to his stomach easier.
When Dawn hit the stomach she woke up. “ eww gross, where am I?” Seviper let me out of here.
Seviper “no can do Dawn you are my meal now!”
The end if you want to comment send me a pm
20th February 2012, 9:04 PM
You should be reading the rules of a forum before posting in it. The Fan Fiction Rules clearly state that all chapters must be at least 2 pages long written on Microsoft Word, with proper grammar, and no two chapters in one post.
The Rules also say that you should not use script format, which is pretty much what you did here. When characters spoke, you sometimes wrote it well by using "Dawn said," but most of the time you wrote it as:
Dawn "Man it is so fun walking in the jungle it is so peaceful out here the sun is out pokemon are having fun, and the breeze is blowing softly."
That's never how dialogue should look. A script, when done properly for a play or TV show, looks like this, with the character's name underlined and a colon after it:
Dawn: Man it is so fun walking in the jungle it is so peaceful out here the sun is out pokemon are having fun, and the breeze is blowing softly.
In a story like yours, it should look like this:
"Man it is so fun walking in the jungle it is so peaceful out here the sun is out pokemon are having fun, and the breeze is blowing softly," Dawn said.
You should have "Dawn said" or "Seviper shouted" after the speech.
This also needed to be longer. Incidentally, by actually describing the setting, characters, their actions and emotions, you can make your story longer and more engaging. Instead of just saying in the author's notes that Seviper is a Shiny and is 40 feet long, describe the colour of its scales, its glistening fangs, its long, sinewy body coiled around huge trees as it lies in wait. Describe Dawn. Describe what she thinks and feels, and the sights and sounds and smells she encounters. If you're going to have Seviper ask Dawn about why humans capture Pokemon, or have the two battle, don't be cheap and just say "they talked and talked" or "they dueled for ten minutes" - describe it. That's part of what made this so boring - you skipped all the interesting parts of the story. We didn't get to know the characters through their conversation or how they battled because, which would have been interesting.
Anyhow, this really didn't have to be a chapter fic anyway since it was so short. Still, this was a pretty pointless story where some random Seviper sees Dawn alone in a jungle, apparently talks to her, makes her to cartwheels, has a really dull battle, then eats her. If this was just about some vore fantasy you have involving Dawn, this was not the place to post it.
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