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Knightfall
25th February 2012, 5:39 AM
Hello, I’m a relatively new face in the fan fiction world, and this is my first attempt at a story.
I’ve been working on it for a while now, and there will be many rookie mistakes on my part, but those can and will be ironed out as I get more practice.

Rated PG-13 for violence in later chapters.

Disclaimer: I own nothing concerning Pokemon, or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon.
That honor resides with Nintendo and others.

I do however own this story, the plotline and the characters in it. Characters and other things from this story are not to be used anywhere without my expressed permission.
Thanks for reading all that.

I would appreciate reviews, constructive criticism, and advice to improve the quality of this fic.

See some excellent fan art for this story and other stories of mine here! (http://falloftheknights.deviantart.com/favourites/56471911)

Let’s get started.

Chapter list:
Chapter 0.5: System Failure: Re-Initialization (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16079345#post16079345)
Chapter One: The Story Retold (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=14274160#post14274160)
Chapter Two: Discrepancy (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=14460346#post14460346)
Chapter Three: Calibration (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=14684374#post14684374)
Chapter Four: Injustice (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=14918041#post14918041)
Chapter Five Interference (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=14992055#post14992055)
Chapter Six: Severence (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=15092522#post15092522)
Chapter Seven: Interlude (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=15272323#post15272323)
Chapter Eight: Extradition (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=15388426#post15388426)
Chapter Nine: Perspective (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=15475185&posted=1#post15475185)
Chapter Ten: Memory (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=15528520#post15528520)
Chapter Eleven: Intercession (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=15682290#post15682290)
Chapter Twelve: Ethics (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=15899829#post15899829)
Chapter Thirteen: Interception (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16018482#post16018482)
Chapter Fourteen: Exposure (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16220953#post16220953)
Chapter Fifteen: Blind (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16377078#post16377078)
Chapter Sixteen: Abeyance (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16652004#post16652004)
Chapter Seventeen: Disarray (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16967635#post16967635)
Chapter Eighteen: Resonance (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=17202393&posted=1#post17202393)

PM List:
Azurus (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?302983-Azurus)
Pokenutter (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?182812-pokenutter)
Brutaka (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?156899-Brutaka)
Muchmula (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?311576-muchmula)
Saph~ (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?191696-saphirapwns)
Jireh the provider (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?293445-jireh-the-provider)
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JFought (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?320066-JFought)
Agent Tectonic (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?276169-Agent-Tectonic)
Sid87 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?298929-Sid87)
Sidewinder (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?302815-Sidewinder)
Meeker (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?321826-Meeker)
SilentMemento (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?148307-SilentMemento)
ChaosCaptain (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?329131-ChaosCaptain)
Kukansis (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?323692-Kukansis)
Wyrm (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?184969-Wyrm)
Kutie Pie (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?36001-Kutie-Pie)
Deadly-Braviary (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?143948-Deadly.Braviary)
TheCharredDragon (http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?348080-TheCharredDragon)


Now, without further delay I present to you
Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Overthrown


Author's Note: [Very Important!]

As of this date [6/17/13], the former prologue is no longer canon with the rest of the story. I have done an extensive rewrite of it, but, due to character limits, I cannot fit it into this post.

This link will take you to it. (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?562980-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Overthrown&p=16079345#post16079345) [Warning to all: The new prologue does reach the PG-13 boundary of this story for some parts]

This retro-continuity is now valid.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Bobmeister24
25th February 2012, 7:09 PM
This is AMAZING! The way you introduced a situation with people first instead of Pokemon was a brilliant idea. Remember to check your spelling, but well done to the start of what I hope to be an amazing fanfic!

pokenutter
26th February 2012, 5:52 AM
Well, this is one start to a fanfic I won't forget anytime soon.

Let me start off by saying that this is a very visual story- you do not skimp on description. I could clearly visualize the lab in my head, something I don't often do, even with published work. Every action, every character, every location I could see in my head.

Second, you do manage to make Henry and Doug captivating, even though they may or may not appear again in future chapters. You managed to tell a lot about them within a single chapter. I'm hoping the main character will be similar in depth.

I must admit, though, I'm not too sure what they were attempting. I had initially assumed it was teleportation, ut at the end, it seemed like interdimensional transport. Am I remotely close with either theory?

Overall, I'm blown away. I can't wait for the next chapter. If this is what six drafts can produce, maybe I ought to start doing multiple drafts for MD Journal. After I finish, anyway.

(Oh, and I kind of read the computer's lines in GLaDOS's voice. Is that what you were going for?)

Knightfall
26th February 2012, 1:02 PM
Well, this is one start to a fanfic I won't forget anytime soon.

Let me start off by saying that this is a very visual story- you do not skimp on description. I could clearly visualize the lab in my head, something I don't often do, even with published work. Every action, every character, every location I could see in my head.

Second, you do manage to make Henry and Doug captivating, even though they may or may not appear again in future chapters. You managed to tell a lot about them within a single chapter. I'm hoping the main character will be similar in depth.

I must admit, though, I'm not too sure what they were attempting. I had initially assumed it was teleportation, ut at the end, it seemed like interdimensional transport. Am I remotely close with either theory?

Overall, I'm blown away. I can't wait for the next chapter. If this is what six drafts can produce, maybe I ought to start doing multiple drafts for MD Journal. After I finish, anyway.

(Oh, and I kind of read the computer's lines in GLaDOS's voice. Is that what you were going for?)

Thank you both for your reviews!

@pokenutter. Thanks, now you see why this took so long to finish. I needed everything to be a certain way for the rest of the fic to work.
And about your theory, spot on. It was kind of a mixture of both of the two. That's all I can say about it at the moment. More info on that will be revealed later on.
Also, I tried my best on Doug and Henry's characters, but I can't say whether we'll be seeing them again. Maybe. Maybe not.
And the computer's voice? So close.
I was actually going for the Announcer's voice in Portal 2. Good guess though.



And Bobmeister24. Thank you as well. Spelling errors? Could you tell me where? I thought I got all of them except the ones in the computers glitching voice. Please show me where, I want all the kinks in this to be ironed out.



Thanks for the great reviews.
I'll update when chapter one is finished.
Knightfall signing off...;005;

PhantomDragon
26th February 2012, 7:32 PM
Hey, this is a really good fic! I agree with pokenutter, you're really good at the description. Even though it's the first chapter, with all the description a reader can instantly get drawn in without being swamped. Really looking forward to more chapters!

RANK UP! YAY!

Knightfall
26th February 2012, 9:37 PM
Thanks, PhantomDragon. I appreciate the positive review.
And congrats on the rank up.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Bobmeister24
27th February 2012, 8:39 PM
OK Knightfall, here are some of the mistakes which I have found and corrected:



“How are you going to make this different than all the others?



The observation windows were flooded with an overwhelming amount of the bright light, everything was painted as blinding stark white.



As if the building had heard their plea to escape, all movement stopped.
I added this one as the word "heard" wasn't in the text, so it didn't make sense.



The concrete hallway which the hatch exited out to was in ruins.
Bad grammar.



The metal pipes that lined the interior of the passage had ruptured in the destruction and now were busy emptying their contents onto the crumbling floor.



The dim overhead floodlights were nearly blocked off completely by the smoke and dust clouding the air.

As you can see, it was just a few small minor details which I picked out. Keep checking yourself in case I've missed any other kinks out. Hope that helped!

Knightfall
28th February 2012, 12:16 AM
Thanks, Bobmeister24. I think I got all of them.
"Where" and "were" I know the difference between the two, but I still get mixed up every now and then.

Thank you for pointing them out.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

ESPNfanatic35
7th March 2012, 4:16 AM
I gotta say that this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering this is your first fic. I like the description a lot and the way you present the characters and settings was very good. You also did a nice job with the computer language. The explosion scene was done very well as I could really feel the suspense before and after it happened.

If there's any critique I have, it's that sections that could be paragraphs are separated into individual sentences. Here's an example:



Then a roar louder then anything either of the men had ever heard quickly drowned out the sounds of falling building foundations.


The observation windows were flooded with an overwhelming amount of the bright light, everything was painted as blinding stark white.


The glass in the windows blew apart, unable to take the energy pulses. Shimmering shards of window rained down from above.


The resulting explosion threatened to shake the room to pieces, but-miraculously- it stayed intact, for the moment.


Doug shakily climbed to his feet, Henry right behind him. The floor was no longer stable; total collapse was nearing.


The younger scientist slowly peered over the shattered window into the ruined room below. The metal portal was an inferno, flames belched from the interior of the metal device. Electricity sparked from the burnt monitors and melted wires.

Doug coughed from the smoke and fumes rising from the burning room below, the smell of burning flooded the upper chamber, filling his lungs with the stinging substances.


Doug squinted at the center of the furnace, where the table and the boy once existed.
His eyes widened in horror as he saw one half of the twisted remains of the metal table embedded in the concrete wall, and the other half nowhere to be found. The several computer monitors that decorated the room where either smashed and on fire, or no where to be found at all.

It seems like this could all be combined into one paragraph. Other than that, I don't have any critiques. Well done and keep it up!

Knightfall
7th March 2012, 11:16 PM
Thank you, I need all the feedback I can get. Hmmm, never occured to me about the paragraphs, I guess now that I look at it, some of those sections would indeed look better as paragraphs.
Some of them, though I tried to do for emphasis. So yeah I'll fix those right away.

For everyone else, Chapter One is almost completed, should be posted here soon if I'm not delayed.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Knightfall
9th March 2012, 4:52 AM
Chapter One: The Story Retold


[Time: 19:34 Hours] [Date: REDACTED] [Location: REDACTED] [Begin Transmission]
“Operation: Sky’s Edge failed. Artifact lost. Captured two members of the science team at Gate A. Interrogation and disposal will commence at forward command post at 2000 hours. Await further orders.”[End Transmission] [Source: REDACTED]



There was no wind, yet the tall, golden fronds of grass swayed like waves on a fabled sea. The shimmering plants tossed their grainy heads around in the nonexistent breeze, almost glowing in their unspoiled splendor. Sunlight, floating down from the great orb in the heavens, caressed the massive field like a giant hand stirring the surface of a still pond. It was the picture of perfect calm.

Below the upper layer of swaying gold was the ground. It almost wreaked of the smells of earth and fertile topsoil. Unseen creatures beneath the dry surface relished the cool and pleasant dirt. However, there was one oddity within this realm of calm and tranquility that did not fit in. An anomaly in every sense of the word.

Visions swirled about his head. A vicious hurricane beating upon his skull from the inside. He felt himself pressed against the cool, dry earth. Sensations of heat, light, and stillness washed over him, reawakening his senseless nerves and consciousness. Signals shot from his mind, through his synapses, and all around his body.

Through his closed eyelids he could see something bright. The glowing orb appeared to illuminate the entire world. He was curious. He wanted to know. Above everything else, he needed to see and find out what was causing the nearly painful feeling beneath him. It took several tries, but soon after this mental resolution, his eyelids flickered open and he nearly had a heart attack from the explosion of light and color that flooded his senses.

Shimmering gold, a vast, vivid blue, a rich, dark brown, a flash of fiery red were all that he could discern as his eyes painfully dilated in the harsh bright light. He instinctively lifted his arm to shield himself from the painfully strong glare, but was stopped when the limb twinged as if he had a pinched nerve. He hastily straightened his left arm and let out a cry of slight agony as he tried to work out the knot in his muscles.

His back arched in pain as he dug his feet into the ground, hoping that the pain would soon subside. During this, only a small part of his mind registered that not all was normal about him. As the shooting throb in his arm slowly dulled, he became more conscious that something had changed. Something that was not supposed to change. Once again moving his feet, he tried to press them into the ground as he grasped at the dry earth in order to pull himself into a sitting position.

His head spun madly as his brain had to adjust to the sudden change in alignment and blood flow. Both hands sprang to the sides of his skull as he cradled it while he rocked slowly back and forth on the ground. He wanted nothing more than the world to stop its breakneck rotation, but was only rewarded with a strong wave of nausea passing over him. His body lurched forward, and he was only barely able to hold himself up on his shaking arms as his stomach tried to clear itself of all previous contents.

The bitter taste remained on his tongue as he once again tried to gather where he was as the earth slowly stopped swaying. He forced his lungs to take a deep breath in an attempt to concentrate. He continued to hold his head steady as the gyrations that revolved around his head faded into the aether. When he finally gained the fortitude to open his eyes once more, he blinked rapidly to counteract the bright ball in the sky that was shooting light down at him.

He couldn’t remember ever seeing such a sight before. Nowhere in his foggy mind was the memory of a blue sky with this glowing circle that emitted heat in it. Deciding that the mystery of this strange object in the atmosphere was too much for him to deal with at the moment, he turned his attention to a mystery that was much closer proximity and perhaps of much more importance. Like how his arm was a deep crimson instead of whatever color it had been before.

Curiosity got the better of his distorted senses, much like the unfortunate cat, as his gaze slowly traveled up his red scaled arm to rest on a hand fused with four claws that gleamed as polished bone in the daylight. He blinked again while he forced his legs to stand up next to the golden, swaying plants, Somewhere within his hazy mind, he knew this was wrong. That something was horribly wrong with him. That he shouldn’t be this way, yet he couldn’t prove it.

Something about the seemingly new transformation seemed slightly off. The small part of his mind went into overdrive as his stare moved down his arm once again to his now-standing form. His chest, from the skin it possibly used to own, had changed to a coating of tawny beige scales that fused into a crimson coloring when it reached his legs and thighs. A quick feel of his head revealed it to have a large crest-like protrusion extending from the back of his skull.

His feet had been pushed into some reptilian shape and had gained three thick claws made of the same substance as the ones on his hands. He was about to reach down and examine the changes when he felt something brush the ground as he moved. It was hard to describe, as he swore it was his own body, yet nothing in his memory served him as to what could cause such a thing. He twisted around, trying simultaneously to find some sort of mirror and to see what was causing the strange sensation behind him.

Based upon the other seemingly shocking discoveries he had made in the last few seconds, seeing that he now had a tail fashioned from the same crimson and beige scales as the rest of his body. He was sure that the limb had not been a part of him before his recollection ceased, but he could not be certain. Though, the most alarming of the string of self-discoveries was that the very tip of the appendage was covered in a cheery orange flame that seemed to jump as he held the tail in his claws.

“Not possible. This isn’t possible...” he mumbled as his mind tried to make sense of the scene. It was a futile attempt, for while he had tried to remain calm and collected, thoughts raged in his head at the irrationality of it all. His jaw unconsciously clenched as his arms shook with anger. He didn’t know anything. He remembered nothing. And he couldn’t stand it.

“No. No! This. This isn’t possible! This isn’t me!” he shouted, even though his mind failed to produce any viable evidence that the statement had any sort of credence. He refused to accept that he was so helpless, that he was in the middle of some field in a body he had no idea whether it was his or not, or that there was nothing he could do about it. He had to do something. His eyes hastily scanned across the featureless dirt patch in search of a target. The form of his tail was the only thing that came up.

Hissing and choosing to ignore the steam exiting the nostrils on his snout, he grabbed the fleshy limb and held it in front of him. He bypassed the strange and instinctual feelings that screamed for him to stop as he lifted his stumpy foot and stomped down on the flaming tip in an attempt to extinguish one of the unknown mysteries that plagued him.

Within an instant, he was slammed with sensations of pure pain. Every nerve on his body activated and sent their most powerful signals to his brain, nearly overloading it with anguish. His body acted without his consent as his foot immediately jerked back from his tail, kneeing himself in the gut with the same action. He was already breathless from the initial pain, but the secondary input almost sent him to the ground again.

Both his eyes squeezed shut in reaction to the wave of agony that shot through him. Though he could not see, in his mind’s eye the world spun violently and threatened to make his stomach heave. Breathless, he finally collapsed to his knees and fell forward on his arms, barely managing to hold his head above the ground. He spat and coughed as air slowly decided it was worthy of entering his mouth and lungs.

Cautiously opening one eye, he saw that what he previously saw was no side-effect of a dream or nightmare. His body was still a strange reptilian form and his tail, his evil, treacherous tail, still lay behind him, the tip burning merrily once again, apparently forgetting that its owner tried to strangle it.

“No... No-!.” His vocal cords cut out suddenly as they adjusted to being used after a slight atrophy. He clutched his claws to his throat, unintentionally piercing the scales coating his neck. It wasn’t the disbelief of his change in appearance that shocked him, but it was the fact that he could not remember. Memories, wayward thoughts, personal information went out the proverbial window the more he tried to recollect them. Snorting in frustration with the ineptitude of his mind currently, he let his legs fall underneath him as his hind hit the dry earth with a cloud of dust, and he ignored the shooting pain coming from his now-bent tail. Thoughts raced around in his head as if trying to put out the multiple fires that had suddenly blasted through it.

What happened to me? Why am I here? Why can’t I remember? I need to focus... He thought as he tried to align his observations and muscle his way through the pain. He had scarcely woken up, yet he was fairly certain he was in a place he had never seen before even in his clouded memory. Closing his eyes from the bright light of the odd orb in the sky, he tried to sort through the utter chaos that was brewing inside his head. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled as he dealt with the rocketing tangents of thought one by one.

The first one his psyche threw at him was the question of his name. Not necessarily important in the grand scheme of things he reasoned quickly, but worth looking into for the future. He immediately began scraping at the distant, dark mountains that rose as a barricade to his past, in hopes that his measly scratches at pebbles would trigger an avalanche. He dug and dug and dug for several minutes that stretched on for an eternity before something finally surfaced in the form of an adult voice.

He couldn’t make out the memory, except that it was definitely male. It sounded disappointed in something, but what it was eluded him. The very words the faraway voice spoke seemed disjointed and unintelligible. He would have passed them off as a pointless ramble if he hadn’t caught the final utterance of a name at the cessation of the monologue.

“... Leo.”

Leo. Leo. Leo. Leo, He mouthed with his changed jaws, testing out every aspect of the name with them.

Not a bad name, but it’s nothing too exciting either, he mused while he lay on the ground. However dull the name might have been, it was all he had, so he went along with the three-lettered identification for himself.

My name is Leo. My name is Leo. The more he said it, the more possessive he became over it until he could call it his own. He let his mouth stretch into a slight grin as he congratulated himself on solving the first mystery that his mind threw at him. Yet, he was not done.

The secondary question that projected itself far above the others was of what he used to be. Certainty was not with him while he mulled over the newest question that came to him. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. On one side of his mind, it was shouting that something was very wrong with this scenario, but on the other, it was taking a hard neutral stance in failing to see why exactly he was worrying. There was nothing in his memories to prove that he was ever anything other than what he currently was --this oddly red-colored reptilian being.

He slowly rocked to his feet, working out several of the remaining aches and pains in his stiff legs as he did so. He knew he needed to be conservative on this attempt of staying upright on his feet. While the neutral side of his mind claimed nothing was really wrong because it had no proof of anything otherwise, the other half screamed that there was proof.

Since when does amnesia lead to forgetting major parts of your own body or how it functions? That isn’t natural! He nearly cringed at the loudness of the thought, but still paused to consider the claim it was making. There was a certain trueness that hung about the thought, lingering questions that challenged his tranquil demeanor.

He knew next to nothing about amnesia or whatever dissociative fugue state he was currently experiencing, but he wanted to give his assertive mind some amount of trust with its stance. It stood to reason that he would remember the critical fact that he had a tail and an inseparable fire atop it, or that his skin was a near-blood color, or that he was some sort of lizard creature. He couldn’t even remember what his species was called. That drove the final nail in the neutral side’s fragile case.

Leo, still training his mind to accept the name as his own, huffed with an air of finality and nodded. He decided to believe in the radical shouts coming from his pressured mind. He knew that he currently wasn’t normal. He had been something else before his memory had cut out, but what that something else happened to be, he didn’t know.

“Come on Leo, think. Think. You have to think,” he told himself, exercising his rusty vocal cords at the same time. He wracked his mind as he thought back to the strange voice he had uncovered in his mental excavation earlier. Analyzing it as best he could, he determined that it indeed was some sort of adult male, but who it was still eluded his grasp.

“Who is that? Who could be saying my name? How do I know them? How do they know me?” All valid questions, but nothing was forthcoming from the thick fog that obscured the path to his past memories.

“Who is he? My father? A relative? A friend?” None of the answers he suggested triggered anything in his mind and he gave up the endeavor with a dejected sigh. As if sensing that his attention was currently unoccupied, his stomach let out a furious growl that startled him, making him jump slightly.

Leo now realized that he was starving. His aching belly yearned for something to eat, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had ever eaten. Any thoughts of finding out clues to his past were pushed away as his body and mind immediately shifted all focus to finding some sort of food to fill his stomach.

Taking another sweeping look across the clearing he was in, he saw nothing but a continuous wall of shimmering gold. He took a step forward on the brown dirt and listened to the crunch of dry dirt clods shattering beneath his feet. He vaguely wondered why he could not hear the rustling of the plants even though they were plainly swaying in some sort of unfelt wind. It was as if they obeyed some other laws of nature besides the regular ones Leo was accustomed to.

Being cautious, Leo walked further in the clearing and found that several clear-cut paths branched out from the “room” he was in. He scratched the back of his head lightly, making sure not to cut his skin with his new claws. Leo wasn't sure which path he was going to take, but something on the ground forestalled his decision.

It was subtle, barely a glimmer of dull blue in the dust, but it caught his attention. Leo bent down to examine the artifact, the sore tendons and muscles in his thighs and legs contracting as he did so. His claws grasped the top of the blue object, trying to dislodge it from its partial burial in the dirt.

Leo grunted as he tugged at the handle until it broke free with a shower of earth and sent him tumbling backwards. He let out a pained yelp as he crushed his tail during the landing. In a feat of agility he never knew he possessed, he somehow flipped over and was on his feet in what felt like an instant in time. Almost instinctively, he was rubbing his smarting tail tenderly, going over the red-scaled surface while inspecting it carefully for bruises or dents. Fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any immediate injury, though that didn’t dull the sensation of pain that still emanated from every one of his nerves.

He looked down at the spoils of his archeological efforts in his claw. The artifact was not what he was expecting to find in the middle of a wheat field. His gaze poured over the stunning icy-blue form of what appeared to be some sort of key. Leo had little knowledge in the art of cutting crystal, but he knew it must have taken some immense skill to slice this magnificent work from a single block of colored stone.

He held it in his outstretched claws, dangling it from the thin golden chain that looped through it. The back was a single six-toothed gear perched atop of the carved stem that split into two separate parts, each with its own keyward at the point. Each facet of the key seemed to be marked with some sort of intricate lines along its surface, only adding more to the mystique of it all.

As much as the object was a delight to his eyes, it did nothing to help Leo alleviate either of his problems of identity or starvation. However, that hardly meant he would leave it here to be found by someone other than himself. He didn’t quite know what “others” might be out there waiting for him, but he slipped the golden chain about his neck and grasped the cold key for courage. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the deep rumbling coming from his aching stomach, Leo stepped forward onto the rightmost path of the clearing.

Immediately, his sight was obscured by the waving walls of wheat. He did what he could to brush the stalks out of the way, but it didn’t seem to do any good as his path was narrowed down to a corridor barely wide enough for him to pass. Leo held his tail to his chest, partly in fear of starting an inferno in the dry field, and partly because he was still trying to accept it as a part of himself.

His body still seemed to be acclimating to moving about and functioning while conscious, meaning his legs stumbled and nearly collapsed on more than one occasion in the middle of the thin dirt trail. His lungs burned and stomach ached as Leo struggled to march through the field. The scorching heat of the great ball of light in the sky beat down on his shoulders.

The key bounced lazily on his scaled-chest as he tromped over the fertile earth. Leo sighed as he tried to ignore the hunger growing in his stomach and continued to look for anything to break the monotonous gold and brown of the strange field. But, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Only the muffled stomp of his newly clawed feet on the dirt, his frustrated breath that went with the rhythm of his footsteps, the pained grumble of his stomach, and the slight clinking of his key.

As the path continued to wind along, the more he sought to keep himself from falling into a boredom-induced madness. He tried to focus on organizing and digging more into his jumbled thoughts. During the endless minutes of his walk, Leo could not help but be pleased with how much of his previous knowledge he did manage to recover.

Most elements that comprised the Periodic Table, the equations for finding out the velocity of a projectile and the length of its trajectory, the metabolic processes of a eukaryotic cell during an energy consumption cycle, the ability to find the solution for algebraic problems, and an surprisingly in-depth knowledge of the legal proceedings of a republican government structure. Leo cracked a smile with his dry lips. He was happy. As happy as he could be while still in his bleak situation, but genuinely happy for the first time he could remember. His mind hadn’t abandoned him completely. It might have stowed away his personal information out of his reach, but it didn’t leave him without some tools for survival.

His stride was noticeably longer as he held himself slightly higher. His confidence rode the badly needed boost in his own abilities, and he continued to hold his smug grin as he pressed on into the field. Determination flashed in his eyes as he scanned through the sea of stalks for anything that looked even remotely like an exit. Smells of the earth and wheat stained his pointed snout and permeated his senses, making him aware of even the subtlest changes in his organic prison.

His mind chose to wander back to the question of what he was, as he passed by a lone, roughly-shaped stone on the ground. He instinctively kicked it with his foot and it rolled ahead on the path, ready for him to come along and repeat the process. The oiled cogs of his brain whirred like clock-work as it viewed and reviewed the facts it had access to. He went back to the voice he remembered, the knowledge he dredged up from the depths of his memory, and the instinctual knowledge that he used to be something other than this fire-lizard thing.

He closed his eyes and kept his tail above the wild grasses as he concentrated once again on settling this persistent matter for good. There wasn’t much to go over, admittedly. The same facts kept shoving themselves to the forefront in his mind’s eye, but that was it. There weren’t any apparent revelations or truths revealed, and the swagger in his step suffered a setback. Closing his eyes tighter was not helping the results any, so he reopened them and took another breath of stagnant, heat-polluted air.

He looked up and had to shield his eyes with his claws from the rays of light coming from the bright ball in the sky. The sphere did not seem to have moved in the slightest, even though he was certain he had been walking for more than an hour. Leo shook his head, he knew he had to keep going, despite whatever strange laws of nature and physics governed this realm of eternal wheat.

What am I? What was I? The question swirled around in his head in a whirlpool of neurons firing across their synaptic gaps. Leo stopped and sat on the ground beneath a bank of tall stalks of wheat. His body was exhausted, hungry, and very eager to take a small rest in the thin shade of the plants in the midday heat.

Human. Leo shot up like a rocket. He had no idea whether the sudden word was a memory loudly breaking free of the shackles of his dissociative fugue, or a whisper into his ear from an unseen being. His body no longer felt the pangs and hurt of his experiences. He was primed by the swift realization.

“Human... Human. I’m... Human? Is that what I am?” Leo slowly asked himself, processing the classification in his head. He wasn’t sure, much like everything else he had gone through today. It seemed just as plausible as anything, though something unnerved him at how quickly the answer came through. He never even got a chance to sit down before the word soared into his consciousness, or range of hearing, he still wasn’t sure which had detected it.

“There has to be more to it than that. There has to be...” Leo muttered, but, as he had come to expect, there was no follow-up answer for him to pounce on. While this frustrated him to no end, causing him to grind his sharp teeth against each other and blow errant steam from his nose, Leo pushed back the desire to simply torch the field and burn himself a way out of the odd area.

A fierce grumble broke the relative silence as Leo clutched his ravenous stomach snarling for something to eat. Like before, he had to force all thoughts of the impossible situation he was in to the back of his mind while he renewed his search for food. Despite seeming like a lush field, there was no sign that anyone had ever harvested the grain or been in the field aside from the perfectly cut maze he was wandering inside.

He began to develop a grim pattern in his travels through the timeless field. Walk along the path, dig into his mind and try to discover more secrets, rest against the stalks when his feet could no longer carry him, hunger for food, continue his search. Walk, think, rest, hunger, search, walk. However, no matter how many times he repeated the process, nothing seemed to change. He still felt just as tired and hungry at the end of each rest, never getting any worse. The persistent heat from the odd glowing orb in the sky never waned or worsened, just remained an annoying inconvenience on his shoulders, The field just simply never changed.

There was no wind, but the stalks, he observed, swayed as if there was something they felt but he could not. His memories may have been skewed, but Leo was certain there were supposed to be life other than wheat in a field. There was no care-free twitter of birds, no hum of insects, or even the rustling of an animal. There was nothing. Nothing except him, the plants, and the sky. And as he marched onwards, the looming cloud of despair that hung over him only grew larger and larger.

“I’ve got to get out. I’ve got to get out of here...” he told himself, but his resolve was slipping. He didn’t know what he did to deserve this fate. This eternal cycle of hunger and exhaustion. Was this a punishment? A way for him to pay for his unknown transgressions? Leo didn’t know. He did not know. Nothing in his mind gave him an answer. After all he had found out, all he had organized and logically deduced, he was still trapped in this forsaken field. Nothing had changed.



His legs still moved forward, but it was an unconscious movement, a habit programmed into him by the ceaseless paths. He had no idea how far he had come since he first woke up, but it hardly mattered. He might as well have continued to sleep where he was and never woken up. He would have never had to endure the sensation of his stomach trying to digest itself, or the pitiful attempts of foraging had brought upon him.

Hunger had soon reached the point of torture. Leo wasn’t sure when it was, but he ended up pulling down some of the flexible stalks and picking off the nearly-ripe kernels and stuffing them into his mouth like a glutton. Despite his tongue’s warning about the bitter taste of the wheat, Leo forced himself to swallow the raw grains.

Almost immediately, he was faced with the urge to throw it back up. It took an effort that made his lungs burn, but Leo managed to muscle through the reflex and get some sort of sustenance into his body. His stomach was slightly quelled after that, but it refused to be pleased about the poor variety it had to choose from, and continued to berate Leo for it. He had just about given up on finding anything by that point.

Leo didn’t remember if he was a strong person, but couldn’t help the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He just wanted to leave. He was tired with following the maze. Leo huffed in defeat as he laid against the stalks, their rough exterior irritating, but no match for the scales on his back. Holding his limp tail in his hands, he idly waved his claws through the small flame spouting from it. A warm sensation spread from his hands up through his arms and comforted the distressed being.

It was then that he saw it. A difference, a clear distinction, an anomaly in the golden walls of his prison. A flash of bright red in between the swaying reeds. Intrigued, Leo crawled forwards on his hands and knees to the opposite side of the path. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Even more so than the key he had pried from the dirt. An apple, red as his own skin, and looking ripe, lay on the ground just on the other side of the “wall”.

It can’t be more than six feet wide, I could easily make it through there without igniting anything, his thoughts assured him as he clumsily got to his feet. The fruit was definitely there, not some cruel hallucination brought about by the kernels. He knew that nothing would stop him from getting it.

He was trembling with excitement as he pushed his right arm through the stalks with the intention of pushing them aside to make a path. However, that notion was crushed and thrown away as his arm suddenly felt the air around it ripple and press on it. Without any warning, his arm was forced out of the grass with the force of a cannon and his fist slammed into his ribs. Leo stumbled backwards and held his chest. The hit hadn’t been too painful, just enough to knock the wind out of his lungs, but if anything his mind was the most jostled of all.

“What? ... What the hell was that?” Leo tried to process just what had happened while he attempted to control his gasping lungs. He thought that transforming was the strangest part of his trek in this world, but this --an impassable wall of flimsy plants-- was on course to take the cake. Plants, as much as he recalled, were not supposed to be comprised of a magnetic field that repelled flesh.

However, the laws of nature in this world seemed to disagree and the reeds seemed to laugh hollowly at him in their silent wind. Gritting his teeth, he stood up once again, brushed the dust off his body, and stuck his arm into the grass for the second time. Now, he was slightly more prepared for the sudden activation of the strange magnetic field around his flesh. His arm wobbled as pulses rained down on it, trying to force it back.

Leo refused to allow himself to be beaten by a wall of plants. If he failed here, he was certain he’d never find a way out of here. This was his chance. He dug his feet into the dirt, feeling the earth scratch beneath his white claws as he plunged his left arm into the wheat. That proved to be a less than fortunate decision, as the odd energy field surrounding him seemed to double in strength and easily sent him barreling backwards onto the path.

The reptile’s head spun as if it was caught on a haywire gear on a machine. Leo slowly untwisted his crumpled form on the ground, taking great care to remove his tail to open air before it suffered. Leo groaned as he slowly pushed his legs out and used his sore arms to get off the dungeon floor. His mind and will were bruised, but far from defeat, though, he wasn’t sure how much more his weakened and enfeebled body could take before it simply collapsed.

Gathering what little courage he had left and sucking in a deep breath of putridly-hot air, Leo slammed his entire self into the wall, his feet scattering dirt and dust as he pushed against the repulsive field. Scathing curses and swears were unleashed from his mouth as he slowly drove a wedge in between the stalks of grain.

The tranquil field seemed unwilling to let him go, and pushed against him with all its unnatural might. Leo screamed as he pushed back against the force field and sending the majority of his body into the grass. His mind wasted little effort in observing his surroundings, but he swore that the six feet of grain had lengthened to six miles once he was inside of it.

Like the current of a rushing river, the energy beat against Leo’s face and chest initially. He swung his arms out to grasp a claw-full of stalk in order to pull himself completely inside. He felt his tail be engulfed by the wheat and immediately subjected to the same pulling force as the rest of him was. His tail brushed up against the stalks, and, while he dared not look behind him to be certain, he smelled the smoke and heard the slight crackle of something burning.

The acrid emissions not only urged him to dig his heels in harder to escape a fiery death, but it also triggered a memory locked away in his head.

He was on his back. Covered in sweat, cold, and weak. Smoke poured in from the world, attempting to smother him with its gray mass. His barely-functioning lungs failed, and he felt no more as the heat of the flames licked his sides.

The flash of memory only lasted for a split second, but it felt real enough to throw his legs off balance and sent him crashing to the ground. He hit with the force of a bullet, and was instantly pinned underneath the weight of the pressure pressing down on his body. His arms and legs were immobile, stuck against the dry ground and unable to move an inch.

His head was pressed awkwardly against the smashed remains of a pointed stem that dug into his cheek, and the cold crystal key was imprinting itself on the scales of his chest as the pressure increased on his body. His breaths grew more and more labored as he struggled to find the strength to lift his chest and open his mouth against the titanic force beating down on him.

His mind was more than panicked as it simultaneously picked up growing traces of smoke from behind him and the threat of imminent death via either implosion or asphyxiation. His last reserves of energy were long gone by that point, and not even the emergency chemical signals his mind sent out could change that fact.

His eyes were forced to close and he was certain that it would be the last time he would ever see the world. Leo took one final, rasping breath as he prayed to whatever forces governed this world for salvation. And apparently, one of the forces heard his inane gibberish and acted upon it for at the moment, the field snapped.

The mass of hot, stale air about it seethed with terror as distinct cracks shot through its fabricated reality. Fissures ran through the sky as the clouds fell through like sand in an hourglass, spelling out the time of destruction. The wheat shrieked as a fierce wind shot through the forlorn glade, drenching the heated world in a bath of chilled air. Leo pushed his arms up the second the pressure faded. The ground heaved in the dungeon’s agony as Leo attempted to navigate the swaying, burning stalks to escape.

Fire sprang forth from unseen angles as if hurled down from the sky by vengeful giants. The field seemed to hiss in pain as the kernels of wheat popped like miniature explosions. Leo was pelted with bits and pieces of flaming shrapnel from the shells as he dashed through the wheat. His tail only spread the fire more as he rushed past the dried grass, the flames jumping and catching onto it like a flea on a stray animal.

Fissures opened in the once-calm soil. The world was trying to swallow him whole for his wrongdoings against the demonic force of nature. Leo ran faster than he thought possible on his shortened legs. Flames licked at his sides as if deciding which part of him to consume first. His claws became blurs in his sight as he swung and chopped aside the impeding, writhing grass that stood in his way. His lungs constricted and tried to expel the invading smoke, but failed to do so in the polluted air.

The crunch of snapping grass beneath his feet was nothing compared to the splintering of reality happening just inches beyond his fleeing form. Leo sprinted over the wavering stalks and jumped a small dirt ridge. His steps nearly stumbled upon landing, but he remained true as he ran for his life from the collapsing field. Ovals of bright, shining blue appeared out of the corner of his eyes --gates leading to some unknown, terrible place-- for an instant before vanishing with a section of the world, leaving oddly shaped craters in their wake.

Leo tried to keep a clear head as he breathed in mouthfuls of floating embers and ashes with every feeble attempt at alleviating his burning lungs. His vision was swaying from side to side more than his own body was, and he struggled to keep his balance amid the explosions and faults that rattled the earth under him.

Flecks of dirt and burning material battered him from all sides, stinging his eyes and the fire on his tail, both causing him acute amounts of discomfort to combine with his starving belly, sore body, and fatigued mind. Just as he wondered when he was going to reach the exit, his body suddenly felt like it was combusted in a furnace from hell as his vision became nothing but bright, blinding blue.

He was knocked to the ground and at once the world fell silent. Leo dared not move, in fear of causing another apocalypse. He only breathed slow, ashless breaths as he hugged the ground until the electricity numbing his body tapered off. Leo felt as if every nerve in his body was shaking in place, making his skin crawl uncomfortably. His mind was spinning far too fast for him to possibly make sense of what had just happened over the last twenty seconds.

There was an earthquake ... In the air ... How? Much like before, asking questions only left him with more questions than before. Fortunately, the lightning seemed to find tasing his body to be distasteful and dissipated into the ground, leaving him with full control once again. Claws scraped against the dirt as he pushed against the force of gravity. Leo’s body was feeling the full effect of his battle against the barrier: his limbs felt as if they were going to pop off at any moment, his muscles were sore beyond belief, and he was certain that his head would never be clear again from the dizzy spell that held him firmly.

His eyes fluttered open, blinking rapidly to dispel the dust and bright light breaching them. Sitting in with his legs clumsily crossed across his lap, Leo lacked the energy to do anything but look up at the vastly changing scene before him. The field, the once lush and golden prairie was withering like leaves of a sere tree. He was mesmerized by the transformation, at how the stalks and earth itself seemed to growl in pain as they crumbled into dust. Wind whipped through the area, creating a massive cyclone of plant ashes and soot above the perimeter of the demonic meadow.

It was both beautiful and terrible. The young fire reptile was certain that the awesome image would be imprinted in his mind forever. The swirling mass of thick, ash-blackened clouds roiled in their skyward march, throwing lightning, and other astronomical phenomena down at the doomed plain. The fire raged as suddenly everything vanished. For a split instant, there was nothing, only white. Until the light in the sky returned and forced him to blink.

When his sight was restored, Leo was slightly more than shocked to find that the world had changed while he was blinded. In an instant, the giant seething pillar of ashen cloud was replaced by a deep orange light traced with light blue and pink clouds. The smoke-ridden wheat field had inverted upon itself and returned to the golden, shimmering ocean it had been before its sudden conflagration. Everything was normal, yet, everything had changed.

Leo was barely able to keep himself upright as he propped his shaking arm against the hard ground. While his attention was sought by the treasure of light in the sky, he found his sights set on the crimson skin of the apple laying on the earth, nestled in the roots of some long-dead tree. He wanted to lick his lips and lunge forward at the fruit, but his body had other opinions.

The tingling sensation started in his legs, turning them into stone as his body seized up on him. His arms were unable to support the deadweight of his torso and slid forward, scraping up topsoil as they did so. He was unable to move, exhaustion rising up from its position from disgruntled soldier to become a cruel dictator over his actions.

Leo’s body was paralyzed --a last ditch effort to keep him from exerting himself to death. His form went limp, arms and legs numb to the world even as his mind screamed for him to inch forward and seize his prize in the rich, red fruit. He was so close to it, he swore he could smell it with his unmoving nose. Anger coursed through his veins, unable to act upon his desires. Leo wanted nothing more than to let the twisted field alight again and slash away every last stalk until it was trampled into the dirt. As the dust settled on his unblinking eyes, Leo was distracted from his fuming rage by a noise he had not heard in his memory. Voices. Distorted by the distance.

The far corner of his vision caught their sources and his eyes widened in surprise. He may have still been unsure of what he was and where he came from before his amnesia, but he was certain he had never seen anything like the two beings slowly approaching him across the dirt clearing.

Floating dust pooled about the feet of an yellow and white furred fox while next to it walked some sort of mutated blue and black dog. His pulse quickened as they seemed to take notice of him, though he was unable to act on his screaming instincts to run away. His rapid breath began to hitch against his unmoving chest, bringing his fatigued body closer to complete shutdown. Against the will of his mind, his vision darkened as his eyelids slid down and closed shut.

Leo knew this was the end of him as he floated in the empty void of his visionless consciousness. Those two creatures would eat him alive or something horrible like that and leave him for dead. He wished he still had the ability to curl his fists at the thought that he was going to die after he had fought his way through the hardships of the field.

“... Did you see that?”

“... shot right through the wall!”

Their voices did not seem right. They sounded almost normal, not belonging to hell-creatures of this strange dimension.

“... active the badge! We’ve got to get back!”

No. It’s not possible. It can’t be possible. It can’t be.



A single light burned against his bruised face. The man, the scarred, broken, demoralized man rested in his torment against the cold metal of the interrogation table. Blood trickled from his possibly broken nose onto the recycled steel platform and pooled under his mouth where it was agitated by his slow, heavy breaths as he drifted along the vague edge between nightmarish consciousness and blissful unconsciousness.

A loud metallic click echoed throughout the room, followed by a slight whir of magnets as the chamber door slid open. His barely open eyes flinched at the sounds of the familiar clunking of military boots marched with the same strength their owner's fist used to smash his nose.

The soldier's lightweight metal armor clanged against the table as the man only squeezed his eyes shut tighter as he hoped the world would disappear as an infant would mistakenly believe.

"Douglas Strickland. Poor, poor Douglas. Is he too tired to answer any more of my questions?" Doug gritted his bruised jaw as he endured the woman's mocking insult.

He wasn't sure how long he had been out, but he remembered Henry shaking him awake in a holding cell in the impromptu military barracks near the wastelands outside of the Pewter industrial complex. His head throbbed like a metal foundry as he was then dragged away by a helmeted soldier to this dim interrogation room. A metal-coated glove suddenly embraced his throat, its chilled surface snatching the breath away from his exhausted lungs mid-breath.

“Answer me, Dr. Strickland. You’re done with this interrogation when I say you are. Now, traitor,” She placed considerable pressure on her grip. Doug futilely clawed at her impervious hand like a dog chained to a post as he gurgled and wheezed for air. In his struggle, he saw a wicked smile spread across her strict face. A single strand of her brunette hair --a genetic rarity among the population-- fell from the tight bun she had on the top of her head. The only imperfection he saw on her cruel face.

“Where are Senators Readly and Few? They were airlifted to Celestial Range during the capitol siege. We saw it on our scanners, so don’t deny it. I’m going to give you three seconds of air before I go back to crushing your throat. Use them wisely.” Hardly a muscle in her face moved aside from her taut jaw as she loosened her iron hold around his windpipe enough for him to suck in a breath. His lungs were burning like the facility he recently escaped, but he knew he had to answer the woman otherwise he’d never survive.

“They ... Evacuated ... Location ... Secret from me...” he reported in between pained gasps. That much was technically true. While he had the clearance to be given the info, he had simply been too occupied with his assignment with the boy to act on it. He was thankfully, unintentionally ignorant. Unfortunately for his continued use of oxygen, the officer did not seem to like his answer very much as he felt her steel-plated fingers dig into the fleshy portions of his neck.

“Wrong answer, Douglas. Let’s see how you handle a bit of force behind my tactics.” With that, she leaned over the table, pulled up on his neck, and swung her free fist deep into his now-straightened chest. Doug’s world split into fragments as light and darkness alternatively battled for his vision. Guttural noises escaped from his mouth as his body convulsed against her hand. He felt as if his insides were on fire, his ribs and lungs being consumed by the inferno.

She let go for an instant, enough for him to inhale a fraction of a breath before she closed off his throat once again. Her jaw was beginning to loosen into an even more sinister smile as several strands of her hair broke free of her bun to dangle limply on her flawless, emotionless face. Doug could only brace with whatever was left of his will as she drew her fist back again.

His eyes closed in preparation of the end. The researcher was content. He had succeeded in the basics of his mission and had escaped death’s claws against the stacked odds. To die here would be immensely damning to his moral, but it beat sudden total conflagration or withering away under raining clouds of radiation. This would be a different way to go. It would be under the premise of a war not seen since the First Days.

Except the devastating punch never collided with his torso.

“What? Sir? Are you sure? ... Of course, sir. Not an issue.” Doug managed a quick glance at her face as she switched off the communicator built into her suit. That instant she let go of his neck completely, letting his weak body drop to the table like a stone. His chest shuddered as he sucked in as much precious oxygen as he could as he tried to move his shaking hands against their restraints.

Silence fell over the room like a smothering wave as if the woman was waiting for a sign to continue. Faintly through the walls, the sounds of yelling and distinct plasma discharges entered his ears. His heart dropped in his wheezing chest as he knew exactly what was happening. His fears were only confirmed as he heard the sound of a button unclasping and metal sliding on metal.

Far away, the whir of mechanical doors graced his ears, but found it increasingly useless to keep paying attention. A small click echoed through the chamber as she drew her weapon on him. It was like the others he had seen on the bodies of the soldiers in the facility: grey, lightweight, functional, and lethal. About as purposeful as a weapon could get.

She raised the gun to be level with his head, both of her powerful arms gripping it tightly. He stared straight down the barrel, its personal abyss telling him to be unafraid and jump into its depths. Her fingers rested for a moment on the handle before jumping around the trigger. Doug drew a deep breath, savoring the air as it passed through his crushed nostrils and filled his bruised lungs. He drew his chained hands close to his bowed head in a final prayer. He heard a door open. He heard a trigger click. Then, the discharge.

He heard a body slump, metal striking against metal, and a secondary discharge. The smell of burning flesh hit his nose like the woman’s fist. He opened his eyes and raised his disheveled head. Standing in the doorway was his savior, still holding the smoking gun in his wrinkled hands. A slight grin etched its way across his exhausted face as he pushed his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose.

“This is number eight, Doug. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Yes. We’ll leave this place behind. Just like he left...



End Chapter One v2


Author’s Notes: Well then. That didn’t take nearly as long as I thought it would.

So this is it. The long-advertised rewrite of Chapter One, now to my satisfaction. I managed to keep most of the events in the original the same, and changed a few things to reflect a newer plot and my writing skills, which have grown considerably since the first iteration of the chapter.

I chose to reflect a lot more on Leo’s development as a character and his thought processes as he first wakes up. I also took some liberties with how a dungeon reacts when someone doesn’t play by its rules, but I think it turned out well.
And, finally, I vastly extended and retconned Doug’s scene. Now, that is to reflect a vastly changed plot, and to give a character that I really like an ending he deserves more than he previously had.

I do hope you all enjoy it.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

pokenutter
9th March 2012, 5:14 AM
Alright, Chapter 1! Forst off, I'd like to congratulate you once again on a very visual story. The opening featuring Leo adjusting to his surroundings and new body worked really well.

I think Leo must be something of a Determinator, if he's willing to push his way through a reverse-black hole of a wheat field. I must also say, I like that the Mystery Dungeon you chose to begin the story with was outdoors. I think it contrasts his isolation up better than a cave would- he's completely alone, but you wouldn't get that impression based on the setting.

In addition, nice bit of closure with Doug at the end.

Over all, a solid chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one!

Knightfall
9th March 2012, 11:32 AM
Alright, Chapter 1! Forst off, I'd like to congratulate you once again on a very visual story. The opening featuring Leo adjusting to his surroundings and new body worked really well.


Thanks, I tried hard to make his first day's struggle in the Pokeworld miserable, for his own good of course.




I think Leo must be something of a Determinator, if he's willing to push his way through a reverse-black hole of a wheat field. I must also say, I like that the Mystery Dungeon you chose to begin the story with was outdoors. I think it contrasts his isolation up better than a cave would- he's completely alone, but you wouldn't get that impression based on the setting.

That was one of the points I wanted to get across: that he has no allies in this strange world. And that mystery dungeon is sorta strange as well.



In addition, nice bit of closure with Doug at the end.

Over all, a solid chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one!

I knew I couldn't just leave his story hanging like that. I liked writting him and Henry so I felt they deserved an ending.

Thank you again, I'm glad that this chapter went over well.

And to all other readers: don't be afraid to leave a review, or even a post saying "this is great!" or something like that.

Chapter 2 is being written as I post this.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Azurus
12th March 2012, 1:28 AM
Well well well.... Really great story, love the description and the atmosphere of it.

Now is he a charmeleon? You said he had a horn coming out the back of his head, and if so...NIIICE touch, not being a first evolution would be awesome.

Also I have to thank you for your reccommendatons on good fanfics, haven't let me down yet.


About spelling mistakes.... you have quite a few but if you read it out loud you should find them, I'd quote them but I'm using a 3ds and it would be a lot of work to do so. However they aren't so bad they detract from the story so don't worry about it too much.


Only bad thing is that I'm impatient and can't wait for more. Keep up the awesome work.

Knightfall
12th March 2012, 11:22 PM
Thank you for posting!

As for your questions. Yes, he is a Charmeleon. I tried to make this fic differ from alot of the others.

I'm currently on vacation so I can't edit at the moment, but thank you again for posting.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Edit: And you're welcome for the fan fic list. Glad it helped

Wyrm
18th March 2012, 5:45 PM
Hey, Knightfall! This looks like a decent story you have here.

First off, the issues. The main problem is that it seems you have your commas and semicolons mixed up. It's a real hard thing for me to explain, though. Are you using a word processor? Usually they catch these things. Analyzing your sentences closely, knowing what components go where, and knowing what a sentence should look like will help you as well.

A very minor thing is also indicating a character's direct thoughts with italics. I don't believe it's a required thing, but could make reading a tad bit easier.

One small error in the paragraphing: when Leo shouted about how he was either going to make it through the field or die trying, you put the "he said" one line below the dialogue, also making the "he" capitalized.

Those are the only negative aspects, which should be easily fixed. Now for the perks.

Your style of paragraphing is not only different, but thinking outside of the box. This almost looks like an epic poem such as Beowulf. You go into great detail, all the while keeping everything in short slices that are aesthetically pleasing. Because of this fascinating style, many parts in this which would normally be considered mistakes are rendered null and void. I tip my hat to you on this.

Another unique aspect is beginning this with not only a human world, but an escape from a world at war through an elaborate test featuring a somewhat sarcastic computer. Quite an intriguing way to begin this adventure.

By the way, I love how Leo is going to get himself in trouble with the various Mystery Dungeons. As if attempting to go through the reverse black hole wasn't enough, wait until he comes across an enemy... *snickers*

Before he blacked out, were those two Pokémon he saw the hero and partner in PMD2?

Overall, I believe this is the beginning of something excellent. I look forward to future chapters full of Leo and his special Leo-ness.

Knightfall
18th March 2012, 6:27 PM
First off, the issues. The main problem is that it seems you have your commas and semicolons mixed up.

All right, I'll try and watch more closely for those errors.
I use Microsoft Word 2003, it usually catches the basic mistakes, but I guess its not perfect. Like I said, I'll look through the chapters more closely from now on.



A very minor thing is also indicating a character's direct thoughts with italics. I don't believe it's a required thing, but could make reading a tad bit easier.

I knew that there was something I should have done, I'll edit that as soon as I'm done here. Thanks.



One small error in the paragraphing: when Leo shouted about how he was either going to make it through the field or die trying, you put the "he said" one line below the dialogue, also making the "he" capitalized.


Got it. Will be fixed as soon as I'm done.


Those are the only negative aspects, which should be easily fixed. Now for the perks.

My favorite part of a review.



Your style of paragraphing is not only different, but thinking outside of the box. This almost looks like an epic poem such as Beowulf. You go into great detail, all the while keeping everything in short slices that are aesthetically pleasing. Because of this fascinating style, many parts in this which would normally be considered mistakes are rendered null and void. I tip my hat to you on this.

Why thank you. I tried my best to make it seem unique from all the other Mystery Dungeon fics out there. It seemed necessary to do so.



Another unique aspect is beginning this with not only a human world, but an escape from a world at war through an elaborate test featuring a somewhat sarcastic computer. Quite an intriguing way to begin this adventure.

Thank you again, you wouldn't believe how long it took to work out how I would do the Prolouge. Those events will eventually play a major part in the story, so don't forget about them quite yet.

And the world Leo escaped from isn't much better off than the world he's in now. Just a heads up.



By the way, I love how Leo is going to get himself in trouble with the various Mystery Dungeons. As if attempting to go through the reverse black hole wasn't enough, wait until he comes across an enemy... *snickers*

Oh, I have some very interesting ideas for when it comes to that. Let's just say he was a lot to find out before he can successfully survive in this world.



Before he blacked out, were those two Pokémon he saw the hero and partner in PMD2?

No they aren't. They are my own characters, but the two Pokemon in question might make an apperence later on. Just an apperence though.



Overall, I believe this is the beginning of something excellent. I look forward to future chapters full of Leo and his special Leo-ness.

Thank you. Future chapters will be posted as soon as I can plan, write, and give them a complete editing to avoid errors. Which means hopefully one or two every month, give or take.

Thank you Wrym, I need more reviews like these. And now to do some editing.

Edit: Mistakes have been, for the most part, corrected. Again, thank you Wrym for pointing them out.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Bobmeister24
24th March 2012, 12:15 PM
A great job as always! Interesting how you briefly moved back in the end to Doug. I'm guessing that Leo is a Charmeleon? Anyways, a brilliant chapter. Can't wait for No. 2!

Knightfall
24th March 2012, 1:48 PM
Thank you! I always like positive responces from the audience.
To answer your question, yes he is a Charmeleon.
It's a different choice for a main character, but I think it will work.

As for Doug, I couldn't leave his story unfinished, in all my rewrites of the Prologue, he grew into one of my favorite characters.
I felt that everyone needed to know that he's still alive.

Anyways, as for Chapter Two, it's coming along nicely. It's not quite done yet, and there is still the editing process, but it should be up fairly soon. Maybe next week if I'm lucky. (The current chapter progress is in my sig)

Thank you again,

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Rotomknight
18th April 2012, 1:32 AM
This is great.
If there is a pm list please add me to it.
I like leo. But I want to know moree about the human world. What the heck is goin on.
Who were those guys.
END REVIEW

Knightfall
23rd April 2012, 2:08 AM
Chapter Two: A Slight Discrepancy

“…For their greed, they were stripped of their wealth.
For their misuse of knowledge, they were sentenced to live lives of ignorance.
For their most heinous of crimes they committed under the light of the sun, they were condemned to a world of darkness.
Never to see the true light of the sun again.
For the war they fought, for the blood they shed, for the lives they destroyed, for the land they soiled, for the balance they usurped, for the peace they shattered, for the world they tore apart, they were banished.
Banished by the gods from this world, forever imprisoned behind a Seal created by the gods.
Exiled, for eternity.”
Excerpt from the manuscript, Legend of the Great War.
Courtesy the Trinity Isle Research and Archives facility. (T.I.R.A)


Leo had realized that this was a playback of his forgotten life, a dream of sorts; mostly because he never remembered waking up from when he passed out.
A flash-back; somehow dredged up from the bottomless abyss that held his past life.

He stood-- well, it was more like observing from above, like a phantom. He watched from a short distance as a group of figures ran down a narrow metal catwalk inside some sort of darkened concrete building.
He could see himself, as a human. He couldn't remember his face, but he knew it was him. The other adults were unrecognizable though.

He was running-- clarification-- his human self was running. From what his other self was running from, he’s not entirely sure.

He heard the sounds of their shoes click on the metal catwalk as his human self followed the adult figures in front of him. Leo saw that his human self wanted to catch his breath, but he knew he couldn't; he has to keep up with the others.

As to reaffirm his other self’s unknown reason for not stopping, Leo heard an explosion. The blast was muffled by the concrete walls of this building, but it didn’t stop the acrid smell of smoke and burning furniture from reaching Leo’s phantom nose.

His human self ran even faster, propelled by fear.
Suddenly one of the figures in the front of the group opened a metal door, light poured in from the outside. Leo felt himself blink as the bright light made the dark hallway visible.

From his outsider viewpoint Leo was amazed at what some of the figures looked like.
A couple of the adults, comprised of both men and women were dressed in formal black business suits that where soaked in sweat and had more wrinkles and tears than a tailor could ever hope to fix.
Aside from these “official” people, the few others were clothed in some sort of strange armor and helmets. Each of these armored people was gripping some sort of black handheld machine, their faces set with an unreadable look that betrayed no emotions or fear.

He looked at his human self with an air of detachment; he couldn’t believe that he originally was one of them; it seemed so sort of unreal.
His human self also looked at of place with the adults; wearing only a simple T-shirt and jeans.

As if opening the door triggered some sort of signal the men in the armor sprung into action. Clutching the black devices with both hands they rushed out of the door, followed quickly by his dream self and the others.
Leo couldn’t move as his other self ran out into the bright light of whatever was outside.

Suddenly there was a sharp cracking of thunder, lots of it, coming from directly outside the open door in short rapid bursts. He heard yelling, the roar of the thunder blasts grew louder and more rapid.
Than everything was enveloped in the bright light; the light had all but blinded him, but his hearing remained intact.

He doubled over as the sounds amplified themselves louder; he covered his ears with his claws in a vain attempt to block out the ear shattering noise.
Just as he thought his head was going to burst from the noise, he awoke with a start.

Gasping for air, he looked around at the room he was in. He was laying on a pitiful excuse for a bed-a small circle of damp straw- in the middle of a stone walled chamber. There was only a single heavy wooden door and it didn’t have a handle. The only source of light aside from his torch of a tail was a small glowing crystal fixture on the ceiling.

Leo’s pulse quickened, where am I?
He quickly got to his feet, and than almost instantly was broadsided with a dizzy spell. His body stumbled and he found himself holding onto the cool stone wall for support.

The gnawing pain of hunger he felt from before had decided to rear its ugly head once more.
His stomach decided it was the right time to remind him of its existence and the fact that it hadn’t been filled in recent memory.
He was about to slide down the wall to the floor in defeat when his eyes caught a flash of metal.

He slowly turned his head to face the source of the glint as not to provoke another dizzy spell. It was a small metal plate; however it wasn’t this that had Leo’s attention.
It was the two small red apples that rested on the platter.

He willed the little energy his body had left into the form of a clumsy dive. The rough slide across the stone floor didn’t seem to hurt as much thanks to his new scaly skin.

His sharp teeth made short work the soft apple flesh; he tore through both of the fruits with lightning speed. He tried to savor the juicy flavor. As he finished the fruit, he attempted to jog his memory as to when he had last enjoyed them.
He couldn’t, and he again cursed his amnesia.

Licking his lips, Leo finally felt almost happy, despite his shortfall recollecting his memory. He tossed the two apple cores back onto the plate.
He wasn’t completely full, he was still in some sort of prison, and he was suddenly feeling very drowsy.
His breathing slowed, his eye lids suddenly became heavy, and soon he found himself laying on a slightly damp pile of straw on the floor.

Why am I sleepy? I just woke up, didn’t I? Leo tried to reason, but his mind also was getting sluggish, I should be trying to find- he let loose an involuntary yawn-a way out...of…here….

And with that last thought, he drifted off to a sleep. Thankfully this time there were no dreams he was forced to watch.


Leo woke to the screeching of the door to his cell opening.
As he groggily sat up, two things happened at once.

The first being that what looked like two metal spheres with magnets attached to their sides floated into the room.
The second being that the metal sphere things talked.

“BZZZT! Looks like he’s awake. Finally. BZZZT!”

Leo could only stare as one of the spheres zoomed close to his face. This caused Leo to franticly claw his way backwards, only to have a wall crash into the back of his head.

Leo winched in pain and tenderly rubbed the back of his scalp- still noting the fact that he now had a horn.
However this made the two magnetic abominations burst into fits of what Leo could only assume was laughter. All he could hear was the sound of harsh static and metallic screeches coming from the two guards.

Wanting to preserve some of his dignity, Leo quickly got to his feet and angrily swiped his claw at one of the spheres. He was rewarded with a hit, even if it only made the sphere bob slightly in the air.

That said sphere returned the favor with a small burst of electricity from his magnet appendages aimed at Leo.
The voltage wasn’t enough to permanently harm him; the Magnemite wasn’t stupid and he needed this job.

Leo felt like his body was on fire, yet he stood up and faced the twin guards with a look of pure repressed anger.

“BZZZT! Don’t look at us like that! BZZZT!” the first sphere shouted, his higher tones sounding like an out of tune microphone.

“BZZZT! Yeah, you kind of deserved it for making us work overtime. If it wasn’t for you, we’d probably be back at the Hub recharging by now. BZZZT!” the second sphere continued the first’s rant.

Leo didn’t respond, he only focused more of his anger into his glare, maybe if I concentrate hard enough they’ll both explode. Who knows what I can do in this body?

They didn’t explode, much to his dismay. They did however shackle both of his wrists together with some sort of magnet chain, and tried to lead him out of the room to somewhere else in the underground building.

The word “tried” meaning they attempted to walk him out of his cell, but after being thrown in prison, drugged, bruised, laughed at, and shocked, Leo wasn’t in the mood for compliance.

“ZT! Stop resisting! Our chief wants to talk with you. ZZT!” one of the guards groaned.

Leo simply dragged his feet on the packed dirt floor, a procedure which worked well now that he had claws. Not impressed with his little show of defiance, the guards continued prodding him with small electric zaps while muttering about his species stubbornness.

At last they had arrived at their destination, a small room cut from the stone. Inside as only a wooden table and a small chair made of the same substance.

The guards entered with Leo and instructed him to sit down. He carefully made sure his tail wasn’t in the way before completing the action while the guards waited.

A short time later another creature much like the guards floated through the doorway.
It was a much bigger identical form of the guards and had an air of authority as it started talking to the guards.
The guards reported on the recent events to the, what Leo would assume was their chief officer.
They were being very secretive about it, talking in hushed tones; it wasn’t like Leo could glean any information from their conversation even if he wanted to. They were talking in a series of beeps and tones, a language that most sentient beings not acquainted with radio signals wouldn’t understand.

As soon as they were finished giving their version of the report, the officer turned to look at Leo.
Leo gave a weak wave to the one eyed creature, careful to let him see the small blackened areas on his scales from when they had zapped him.

The ovular magnetic creature suddenly shouted at the guards in a language that sounded like the unholy combination of metallic screeches, high pitched static, Morse code, and other unpleasant mechanical noises that threatened to make Leo’s ears bleed.

This sudden outburst made the both of the guards zoom out of the room in sheer terror. The larger creature than aimed one of his magnet hands at the metal door and pulled it shut with a magnetic pulse.

While Leo stared in mixed awe of the creature, it floated over to the opposite side of the table and started to talk.

“Let me be the first to apologize for their behavior, I had absolutely no idea of their actions. BZZZT! They were acting completely out of the orders I gave them. BZZZT! I specifically told them to escort you to this chamber, and not to damage you in the process!” He buzzed angrily as his apology came to an end.

“It’s alright; I’ll be fine in no time.” Leo responded with forced cheerfulness, but he couldn’t hide his look of utter confusion and hatred of the guards from the creature.

“Ah. You’re wondering why you’re here, aren’t you? BZZZT!” he asked knowingly, as Leo nodded, affirming his answer.

“You were brought here two days ago suffering from severe malnutrition and sleep deprivation as a side affect of your time in Tranquility Fields. That’s why we had to coat your meal with sleep seed extract, by the way. BZZT!”

Wait, two days? How long was I out? Where exactly was I? Surprisingly, the only part of what he said that made any sense to Leo was why he was drugged.

“BZZZZT! I know you’re wondering why you’re here, being interrogated by me to be more specific, aren’t you? BZZZT!” Leo had no idea that the officer was able to read minds. He gave him a silent look that said, “No, I want to know why the sky is blue”.

Apparently not seeing Leo’s glare, the officer continued,
“BZZZT! I haven’t seen you around here before so I’ll introduce myself. My name is Auxiliary Gear Magnezone; you may call me Officer Gear; I’m in charge of Loyalty Square’s prison. BZZZT! I’ve been in charge of this prison for te-”

“Why am I in prison in the first place?” Leo suddenly interrupted; irritated with the lack of real answers and abuse he was receiving in this place.

The creature, Officer Gear, was silent for a moment; the only sound in the chamber came from the faint sounds of the surface world above and the quiet whirring noise that accompanied the Magnezone’s constantly turning magnets.

“BZT! You want to know why you are here? You are here because the rescue team that found you passed out in front of the Fields was required to bring you here by law. BzzzzT! No one is allowed near the Fields without permission. No one. You’re guilty of trespassing. BzZt! That’s why you’re here! Don’t act like you don’t know; everyone without a death wish knows to stay away from the Fields! bZZttT!” Gear shouted, the mechanism that controlled his voice failing to remove the static tones in his speech.

Leo wasn’t expecting that, he’d been through a lot the past couple days, but he wasn’t expecting to be yelled at; much less charged with a crime.

He stood up, nearly knocking the chair over in the process. He leaned over the table and got close to Gear’s single red eye.

“Listen, I woke up in the middle of that field with no idea of who I was, or how I got there, much less that I was committing a crime. I was concerned with finding a way out of that place, and eventually I did. I don’t really care for your rules about trespassing. I just want to leave, now.” he said the last word with such iciness it surprised him.
It wasn’t the only thing to surprise him; Leo swore he saw actual steam exiting his nostrils as he ended his rant

It felt good to let that built up rage out, he hadn’t had much of a chance to let it out earlier. He knew that he’d have to face some sort of punishment for talking back to the officer, but it felt great to finally get it off his chest and stand up for himself.

After what seemed an eternity, or maybe it was just a couple of seconds, Gear spoke.

“BZZZT! You got guts, Charmeleon, and a temper to match. Tell you what, you deserve to know what’s going on, and I’ll tell you. BZZZT! As long as you tell me what I need to know, alright? Seem fair? ZT!”

Leo wasn’t to keen to take his offer, but took a mental note on what exactly he had turned into, a Charmeleon is it? Strange name for whatever I am .
He slowly nodded, hoping that he could answer the officer’s questions. Otherwise, he could be here for a while.

“ZZZT! Good. Now, you claim you have no idea who you are or how you got inside the dungeon known as Tranquility Fields. Could you please explain what happened? BZT!”

Leo shifted in the chair, “I don’t know exactly what happened myself, I’m not sure how I could possibly explain it to you. I have no ide-” Leo began to say, before Gear interrupted.

“ZZT! Just tell me to the best of your ability, alright? ZT!” Gear told Leo, getting slightly irritated with him.

So began Leo’s most uncomfortable experience in this new world yet.
He went over every detail in his escapade from when he first woke up to when he last blacked out, even including his loss of memory and how he escaped through the barrier leaving nothing out of the narrative.
Except for his memories of being a human that is; he decided it was best to leave that little detail out of his story until he knew a lot more about what was going on.

When he finally finished his tale, Gear said nothing for a few minutes; his mind processing and going over every aspect of what was just told to him.

“BZZZT! You’ve got to be the strangest Pokemon I’ve ever had to interrogate, and I’ve run this prison for ten years. You’ve just made my job slightly easier, if anything. They’ll never believe this down at the Federation. BZZZT!” Gear laughed loudly.

Not knowing what Gear meant by the comment, Leo decided to speak.

“Remember your part of the deal; now please tell me what I want to know. Officer.” he asked, quickly adding the last word to the end.

Gear glared at him, his single red eye glowing with slight irritation. At long last he said, “So I did. And now I know why what you want to ask, and the answer, simply, is the Fields are dangerous.”

Not stopping even for Leo’s confusion, he continued,
“The dungeon you came out of is off limits to everyone. BZZZT!
Even after the Restoration of Time, the dungeon never recovered from the effects of the Crisis. It turned into a black hole of sorts, anyone who went in was never heard from again. ZzzT!”
Gear stopped his explanation suddenly, and grew quiet for a moment. To Leo it was if he was reminded of those he had known who didn’t return from those fields.
He also gave a thought to the terms Gear had mentioned, Federation? Crisis? Restoration of Time? Obviously they are important, but I have no idea what they are. He made a quick note to eventually find out what these events were.

Gear’s words also brought up an eerie thought; back in the Fields, what if I couldn’t break through the barrier?
Leo shuddered at the grim possibilities of what might have happened.

As Leo was processing his own thoughts, Gear found his voice again.

“The Federation called off the rescue efforts and erased Tranquility Fields from its maps. They gave us orders to guard the entrances and to punish those who got too close. That’s why you’re here, because technically you crossed the boundary, and the law states you must face the consequences.”

Leo tensed, he wasn’t sure what made up the punishment in this world, but he didn’t want to find out anytime soon.

“Fortunately for you, the odd circumstances of your escape will be enough to simply write this off as an unusual incident. Mostly because- to the extent of your knowledge- you never went into the Fields, you only came out of them. BZZZT!” Gear explained, much to Leo’s relief.

His claws slowly released from the wooden seat of the chair, as he processed the officer’s about-face in punishing him.
I’m getting out of this place, finally, out…

The Magnezone continued speaking,
“Sorry about imprisoning you and all that.
But procedure must be followed; otherwise there’d be no order, so to ensure order we had to at least question you on your little “adventure’ in Tranquility Fields. BZZZT!
Please understand why we had to do what we did.” and with that statement Gear used a radio tone to signal one of the Magnemite guards to enter the room.

The guard was not one of the guards from earlier, much to Leo’s satisfaction. If he ever got his hands on either one of them again, they would be the ones on the ground in pain, not him.

Returning to this guard, he was carrying a metal crate with his twin magnets. He gently set the crate down on the wooden interrogation table and with Gear’s nod of dismissal; he floated out of the room.

Gear hovered slightly higher off the ground and reached inside the crate. He pulled out a folded wad of paper pinched in his magnet-like appendage.
He placed the folded paper on the table and gave it a push.

It slid across the rough wooden surface, stopping right in front of Leo.

Leo carefully unfolded it, and laid the flattened document on the table. It had no words or letters at all, only some sort of code printed on the entirety of it; various couplings of dots and dashes made up the print on the paper.
Either way, Leo had no way of reading it, much less any idea of language what it was.

Fortunately, Gear chose at that time to provide an answer.
“BZZZT! That is your ticket out of this place, please don’t lose it.”

Leo stared up at the oversized floating magnet with a look of suspicion. He didn’t believe that he’d be given permission to leave this easily.

Gear couldn’t read minds, but he could read Leo’s look of disbelief as clearly as a book.

“You can leave, if that is what your question is. We no further need for your presence here; you have been cleared of the charges against you. ZTT!” he explained as he motioned toward the door of the chamber, opening it with a magnetic pulse.

“So were do I go now?” Leo asked uncertainly, he didn’t want to get lost in this maze of a prison by accident.

Gear pondered his question over for a moment.
How hard can it be to tell me the way out your own prison? Leo thought as Gear’s lack of answering stretched on.

When Gear finally spoke up, Leo was about to fall asleep, his head pressed against the table.

“BZZZT! Well, I’m not sure exactly what you should do next. Until you recover from your amnesia, you can’t exactly go off on your own, can you? BZZZT! I guess I can talk to the Guild and see if you can stay there for a few days…” he trailed off suddenly; an idea just hit him.

Leo sighed and put his head down again, this wasn’t what he meant by his question, he just wanted directions out of here, but he took mental notes of the places he mentioned.

It was only a few seconds this time before Gear started speaking again,

“BZZZT! In fact, I might not need to trouble the Guild with you after all. Please wait a moment.”
As he finished Gear suddenly emitted a series of beeps and tones. Almost instantly another guard zoomed through the open door and into the room. He hovered over to Gear and handed him a blank piece of paper.

Gear silently dismissed the guard and laid the paper on the table in front of him. Without warning his right magnet started spinning, generating sparks of electricity as it spun faster.

Than Gear aimed the electricity, in a single, thin beam of energy, at the paper and quickly moved the beam across the paper much like a pen or pencil.
Leo vainly tried to associate a face or a name with these items from his past, but as said, it was a vain attempt, his amnesia was still too powerful.

Pens and pencils. Just another useless shred of memory. He sighed inwardly as he gave up trying to remember.
Leo decided to pay attention to Gear and his activity once more.
He watched in curiosity as Gear finished his work; burning the last few lines into the paper. Gear than stopped the energy beam and picked up the smoking paper. From what Leo could see, an entire letter had been composed from the burnt lines in the paper.

Gear than used his magnets to gently fold the paper into a simple square, he than slid it across the table like the release paper before.

“Just give those to the guard at the front sentry post on the surface floor, alright? BZZZT! That should take care of your problems, for now at least.” Gear said as Leo placed both folded papers in his claw, and stood up.

Leo was about to walk out of the room into the hallway Gear suddenly shouted for his attention.
He turned back around to face the officer, what now? He thought as Gear reached inside the metal crate again.

“Figured you didn’t want to leave this behind” he said as he pulled out a familiar small crystal key on a golden string, “It seems pretty valuable.”

Any thoughts of irritation for Gear vanished as Leo meekly made his way over to the floating Pokemon. Gear gently turned over the artifact to Leo, who than slowly slid the golden thread over his neck.

He sighed as relief flooded him, if he had lost it he didn’t know what he would do. It was the last thing he had of his past life; he needed to keep it safe.

“Thank you, sir.” Leo whispered, still in shock of the officer’s kindness in returning the key.
Something told Leo that Gear could have fetched a good deal of money if he were to have kept and sold it someplace.

“BZZZT! You’re welcome, Charmeleon. Unfortunately not all of us in this business share my principles when it comes to matters like these.” Gear told a still stunned Leo cheerfully.

“It’s Leo,” Leo quietly told Gear.

“Ahh, Leo is it? Alright, well good to know your name in case we ever meet again. BZZZT!” Gear said as he floated past Leo and into the hallway.

“Just go along the other path, and you’ll eventually reach the surface. Remember to give those papers to the guard, or else.” Gear called from down the hallway, and than he was gone. Off to deal with other matters deeper inside the prison.

Leo snapped out of the semi-stupor he was in and walked out of the chamber. He made sure that he went along the hallway opposite from where he had last seen Gear.

The hallway smelt strongly of wet hay and damp earth, something that, as a creature with a live fire burning on his tail, he didn’t find too comfortable.
His clawed feet made a slight clicking noise when they touched the stone floor, as he quickly walked through the winding hallways, always heading upwards.
He was careful not to accidently turn down one of the many side hallways that lead back down into the unpleasantness of the prison.
After he walked for about five minutes he noticed the walls of the hallway change from stone to packed dirt, and the dim light slowly get brighter.

Soon he reached a three-way intersection, two of the paths lead elsewhere in the prison, while the third path he had all ready traveled. In wall in front of him was a pair of rectangular metal doors which lead to the lobby and outside.
Normally this wouldn’t have been so much of a problem if they had some type of knob, but they didn’t. The doors where completely smooth and appeared impossible to open.

Leo tried knocking loudly on the smooth metal, but no one seemed on the other side to answer him, or maybe they were just ignoring him.
Not about to give into defeat to a seemingly impassible barrier, he employed the same tactic that he successfully used in an earlier battle against a certain wall of wheat.


He awoke shortly afterwards to the sounds of static buzzing, and looked above him to see a Magnemite above him. He winced as he slowly got to his feet, he felt sore all over, and had a splitting head ache.
He made a painful mental note never to tackle a solid metal anything, especially at a full sprint.

The guard apparently didn’t want to get involved in Leo’s dilemma and simply used his magnetic pull to easily open the door.
Shielding his adjusting eyes from the light from beyond the door, he thanked the Magnemite who nodded in reply and flew off elsewhere in the prison.

Leo cautiously walked through the doorway into the lobby; the term lobby could only be applied if taken very loosely. The room was much brighter than the rest of the prison, considering that it had a few windows covered in sticks in the clay walls.
Other than the brightness there was little to it, there was only a small wooden booth with a Magnemite that floated behind it located by the open entrance way, and many wooden bulletin boards were mounted on the walls, each covered in posters that showed a colorful drawing of a certain Pokemon.

Leo now noticed why the guard hadn’t heard his knocking on the door earlier; he was busy talking with two creatures on the other side of his booth.
It took Leo a few seconds, but he realized that he recognized the two creatures. They were the blue and black dog and yellow and white fox from outside the Field.

No, he didn’t have the time to deal with them; his full focus was on the opening in the wall that led out of this place. He couldn’t risk his freedom with talking to the guard, for all he knew they would charge him with another crime.
He’d have to be quiet, and slowly sneak around the two Pokemon while the guard was distracted.

He flattened himself against the wall, and slowly began edging himself along it. It was incredibly slow going, but he was making progress, slowly but surely.
About halfway to the opening, Leo took a tentative glance at the guard.

The Magnemite was still conversing with the dog and fox Pokemon.
Good, he’s still talking with them, Leo thought as he continued to slide his way across the wall.
He was almost to the opening, he could turn the corner and be outside, that’s how close he was to freedom, but the booth was directly beside his target destination. He couldn’t go past without getting spotted unless he was extremely lucky.

Seeing no other alternative Leo grabbed his key and took a deep breath.
He ran directly behind the two Pokemon and into the opening as quick as his reptilian feet would allow.
He was almost in the clear, he couldn’t believe his apparent luck that the guard didn’t see him; he applauded himself for finally turning his streak of bad luck around.
It is at these times reality reminds us, often painfully, that some people or Pokemon aren’t made to succeed at certain things, like escaping unnoticed from a prison for instance.

Leo was halfway down the stone steps of the prison when suddenly he felt something metallic wrap painfully tight around both his ankles.
Leo soon found this pain was rather insignificant when compared with the pain of losing his balance and falling down half a flight of stone steps, face first.

He laid there for a moment, in quiet agony at the bottom of the steps, his entire body fighting to assess and mend the many bruises he had sustained in his misadventure.

Unfortunately for him, his rest was interrupted by the familiar whirring sound of a Magnemite. He could have sworn that it hid an almost inaudible laugh under its buzzing, as it attached one of its magnets to the metal cords around his ankles.

Leo soon found out that the only thing more painful than falling down half a flight of stone steps, was being quickly dragged up an entire flight of stone steps after doing the former.
With each step Leo was dragged up, he had to hold back an even greater amount of tears. At the top step, Leo uttered a small whimper. The guard didn’t even look at his captive as he continued to drag him back inside the prison foyer.
Leo watched the feet of the two creatures quickly shuffle out of the way, as he was dragged into the middle of the room, both his body and pride greatly bruised.

Once at the guard’s destination, the Magnemite shot a magnetic pulse at the tight metal cords that secured his feet. They instantly loosened and unwound, freeing his now slightly numb feet.
The guard quickly took the cord and stashed it behind his desk again. He than returned to the hurt Charmeleon and told Leo to stand, while the other two Pokemon silently stood and watched.

Leo painfully complied as the upset guard muttered words that Leo was sure were unfit for regular conversation.
As soon as he was finally standing, the guard started to spin both of its magnets, generating many sparks as he aimed the magnets squarely at Leo’s torso. Leo braced for the inevitable pain, his eyes squeezed tight, and his body as tense at he could make it without feeling pain.

After a few seconds he dared to open his eyes. The guard was no longer charging for a stunning shot, but instead looking at the crumpled papers clenched tightly in the claws on his right hand.
He had forgotten about them, they had been in his hand the entire time.
Silently swearing to himself, he cursed the fact that he had forgotten about the release papers that he was given and his own stupidity. He could have just handed over the paper and have been on his way, but no. Of course that didn’t happen.

The guard apparently saw what Leo was thinking and snatched the papers from his claw, and quickly scanned them both.
He took the first of the papers with the strange code on it and put it in the booth, and than gave the second paper to the blue and black dog.

The dog Pokemon slowly accepted the paper, not knowing what could possibly be on it.
He lowered the paper slightly so that his fox partner could get a good look at it as well.

While they read the content of the paper, Leo and the guard simply had engaged in a silent staring contest. The guard wishing he could zap Leo upside the head for his stupidity, and Leo busy closing one eye and imaging he was squishing the guard’s metal ball body between his claws.

As soon as the blue and black dog Pokemon was finished reading the letter he simply crumbled it into a ball and returned it to the guard, who zapped it into ash with his magnets.

“BZZZT! Well, than. Now you both know what’s going on, I’m most regrettably required by royal law and Gear’s mandatory “moral obligations” to ask if you have any questions or concerns about your new “addition” to your team. ZTTT!”
The guard sighed, apathetically addressing the other two Pokemon. Wait, new addition?

It was the dog who answered the guard, “Is this legal? Can Officer Gear do this? He never asked us, or told us anything!” he yelled at the guard.

The guard angrily zoomed over to the dog, “Listen, Riolu, and listen well; I don’t care. I honestly don’t. ZZT! Now, shut up. ZT! In fact Gear can do this. Royal decree number five-hundred and seven, section two, sub-section three. ZZT!”

The Riolu crossed his arms, “But it isn’t fair! We didn’t ask for a new teammate when we rescued him, why can’t he just go to the Guild or something?”

The guard rounded on him, “BZZZT! Do I need to repeat the decree to you? In the case of a national emergency, and this is one, the Chief Officer has the authority to assign rescue and exploration teams temporary members as to not burden the Guild’s functions during said national emergency. What part of that isn’t clear? BZZZT! Now leave! I don’t want to have to charge you with resisting an officer’s order. Go! ZT!”

The Riolu wasn’t done arguing yet, and was about to talk when the Jolteon stopped him.

“Just stop, Jay. We can’t do anything about it now, and arguing won’t help. Let’s just go.” She told the upset Riolu, apparently named Jay.
He reluctantly complied and muttered something about the guard under his breath.

The guard looked pleased for once, “BZZZT! Thank you, Jolteon! At least someone here has proved that they can listen to reason, unlike some others. BZT!” he said, directing his last enunciated word at both Leo and Jay.

Leo silently observed as the three Pokemon argued over his fate, a conversation not comfortable to listen to in the slightest.

Jay and the Jolteon both turned to exit the prison, the guard quickly told Leo to follow them.

“BZT! You’re with them now. Have fun with your new teammates! BZZT!” The guard laughed, a horrid static buzzing sound, and shoved Leo out of the lobby, onto the top steps where he left him.
Confused with the events that made up the past few minutes, Leo continued down the steps, thankfully without tripping.

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, taking in his surroundings. He saw the other stone and clay buildings of the town, as well as a multitude of creatures simply milling about, going on with their daily lives.

Leo twisted around in a circle, taking in the wonderful strangeness of it all, the colorful buildings, as the equally colorful creatures that walked, crawled, floated, and flew around him. Many of them were totally unlike any animal he had ever seen before; wow.

Before he was done marveling the scenery, Jay and the Jolteon found him.

“Well, I guess I’m with you guys for now. Right?” Leo said uncomfortably, as tried to get on their good side. He didn’t want to be hated by them, just because Gear took matters into his own hands.

“Yeah, you’re with us, Charmeleon. Just stay with us.” Jay told him as he and the Jolteon started to make their way down the dirt street.

“It’s Leo. My name’s Leo.” Leo called to them as he followed the two.

As they moved past the various shops and buildings of the square, Leo tried to contain his curiosity as he took in the colorful wares of the vendors.

He saw berries and fruits of nearly every shape and size, from a small red one the size of a marble, to apples about the size of one of the Magnemite guards.
Along with the many fruits, he saw various metal goods, bags of small red colored seeds, and blue glass orbs stocked on the shelves and counters of the shops.

As he was looking, he realized that Jay and the Jolteon were both far ahead of him.
Leo ran forward to catch up with the Jolteon. Since she seemed the nicer of the two, Leo started to chat with her.

“Hey, it’s been a pretty hectic day so far, hasn’t it?” Leo asked, trying to make small talk with her. He sighed inwardly since at least he didn’t ask her about the weather.

“Yeah, it’s been pretty confusing so far. We really weren’t expecting Officer Gear to assign you to our team like that.” she said, as they turned off of the main street and onto a smaller dirt path.

“So that’s why he’s in such a bad mood, because of me?” Leo asked, jerking a claw toward Jay, who was walking a few strides ahead of them, and didn’t notice their conversation.

“I don’t think it’s you personally, he just doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get a warning of some sort when Gear or someone pulls these sorts of things. Like I said earlier, Gear never told us anything, except to be at the station this morning.” she explained, but Leo still had unanswered questions.

“So what’s your name? I got Jay’s, but not yours.” Leo inquired, wanting as much information as he could get.

The Jolteon looked somewhat surprised at this, “My name’s Kelly, and yours is Leo, right?”

“That’s right.”

“So what’s your story? I know you must have something to tell, since most Pokemon don’t just burst out of a dungeon wall, and then pass out. And now with your episode at the prison entrance, I really want to hear it.” Kelly asked Leo after a minute or so of relative quiet.

Leo had been somewhat expecting her question, the fact that they might to hear his story. It was a reasonable request, after all he was getting to stay with them, even if it was forcibly ordered, it was still the least he could do.

He glanced down at the key, which hung limply around his neck, his only link to whatever happened before he woke up in the middle of the Fields.
All of the things that had happened to him, from waking up until now, they were all so strange and new to him. He had all ready told Gear his slightly altered story, and now he was going to get the chance to tell it again.

He looked over to Kelly, “It’s a long, complicated story.” he said with a small chuckle, after all when he looked back on it, it was a little funny at times.

“Well, you’ll get the chance to tell us once we get to our base. And than afterwards, you’ll get the grand tour of the place. Sound good?” Kelly explained as Leo noticed that they weren’t in the town anymore.
They were on the edge of a small wooded valley, and the sun was starting to set.
The scent of the woods and the fact that wasn’t in the prison anymore calmed him.
It perhaps the calmest Leo had felt yet in this place, and to him passing out and being drugged to sleep didn’t count as being calm.

“Yeah, that sounds good” he said as they continued down the path, leaving Leo to his thoughts.

This is going to be interesting. He thought as he made a note to find out exactly what a “rescue team” was, and what was going to happen to him tomorrow.

They were questions Leo could only hope would be answered.


Author’s Notes:
As for the cause of the delay, life and school decided to broadside me with a lot of things all at one time, but I’ve dealt with them, and now am back to writing.
Chapter Three might also be slightly delayed, as finals are coming up next month and early June, but I will make a serious effort to finish it before the exams hit.

As for this chapter, it was slightly more difficult to write for me, adding to the delay. I wanted Leo to meet and join his team differently than the normal “partner asks main character to join his team” scenario.
So after a bit of brainstorming I came up with the idea that the Fields are very dangerous and that led to the idea of a prison, Gear, and some very irritated Magnemite guards. It also gave me the opportunity to add to Leo’s character and insert some humor into the chapter.
I felt that it was different enough, but that’s just my opinion. Please tell me yours. I’d like to hear your comments/opinions on the story so far.

So, as usual, please feel free to comment, critique, and correct my work.
Again, please point out all the mistakes in my chapters, don’t worry, I can take it.
I apologize again for the lengthy wait, and I will try my best to ensure that it never happens again.

Also, got a new banner for the fic. I think it looks pretty good...

Knightfall signing off… ;005;

Wyrm
23rd April 2012, 3:34 AM
Good to see that you've been able to plow through school work. Now, let's see here...

Hm. It seems you're still having comma perils. Sadly, I don't believe I have enough time to point them out. But I have found a way (thank you language arts class) to clearly point out how the issue works.

While somewhat relevant, you can combine two separate thoughts incorrectly by what's called a comma splice. There have been numerous instances where you've placed a comma when there should've been a semicolon to separate the two alike thoughts. This can be fixed by either inserting the semicolons accordingly, adding a coordinating conjunction (such as "and") after the comma in certain places, or putting in a period and converting the second part into a separate sentence. When editing, use logic to determine what works where. Hopefully this helps.

Also, around the time the Magnemite in the lobby was talking to Kelly about somebody finally listening to reason, you messed up the italics tag in "can".

Otherwise, you're doing pretty good.

There's a nice blend of plot-ish-ness and "Oh no you didn't sister" comedy in this chapter. It makes for a good story while things are still developing.

I liked the unlikely method of recruitment featured here. Poor Jay. He doesn't seem to be in the mood for members out of the blue. However, stories are just cruel like that. HEE HEE

*inner shipper squeaks* Is it just me, or is there a hint of...ahem, potential between Leo and Kelly? *winks halfway* I don't know, but something just clicked with their interactions.

I just noticed something about Leo's situation the prison. It's actually similar to what I have planned in a future story. Thankfully, I think there's enough of a difference between the two to keep everybody friendly. Whew. :P

Keep up the good work, fellow author. *salutes*

Knightfall
23rd April 2012, 4:24 AM
Reply time once again!



Good to see that you've been able to plow through school work.

School work, the ever present bane of my writing. Mostly projects and finals, though.



While somewhat relevant, you can combine two separate thoughts incorrectly by what's called a comma splice. There have been numerous instances where you've placed a comma when there should've been a semicolon to separate the two alike thoughts. This can be fixed by either inserting the semicolons accordingly, adding a coordinating conjunction (such as "and") after the comma in certain places, or putting in a period and converting the second part into a separate sentence. When editing, use logic to determine what works where. Hopefully this helps.

Hmm, I'll fix those as quickly as I can. I wrote the majority of this chapter in a fit of much needed inspiration in the course of a few hours, so I guess I over looked the correct semicolon usage. Whoops.
Thanks for the advice.



Also, around the time the Magnemite in the lobby was talking to Kelly about somebody finally listening to reason, you messed up the italics tag in "can".

Fixed, man those things are annoying.



Otherwise, you're doing pretty good.

There's a nice blend of plot-ish-ness and "Oh no you didn't sister" comedy in this chapter. It makes for a good story while things are still developing.


Thank you, I was a little worried on how the overall chapter would appeal to readers. Looks like I did all right.



I liked the unlikely method of recruitment featured here. Poor Jay. He doesn't seem to be in the mood for members out of the blue. However, stories are just cruel like that. HEE HEE

Unlikely, unusual, different, same thing, they're all what I was aiming for.

And yes, as the author of this story I possess the authorly authority to make life difficult for all my characters.



*inner shipper squeaks* Is it just me, or is there a hint of...ahem, potential between Leo and Kelly? *winks halfway* I don't know, but something just clicked with their interactions.

I'm not sure if I'll do anything with them at the moment. Maybe once my writing skills improve enough and the story progresses a bit....maybe.



I just noticed something about Leo's situation the prison. It's actually similar to what I have planned in a future story. Thankfully, I think there's enough of a difference between the two to keep everybody friendly. Whew. :P

Great minds think alike I guess. That's kind of strange really...maybe I am one of the guys from Inception.



Keep up the good work, fellow author. *salutes*

*Returns salute* Thank you.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

PhantomDragon
23rd April 2012, 9:58 AM
His human self also looked at of place
Should be out.


Leo had no idea that the officer was able to read minds. He gave him a silent look that said, “No, I want to know why the sky is blue”.

Sarcasm, yay! :)

And huzzah, you defeated the evil schoolwork! I liked the porttrayal of the Magnemite and Officer Gear and how you distinguished all the Magnemite, as the flatness of their characters was something that narked me in Explorers of Sky. The plot moved on nicely as well, but not too fast. And this "national emergency" malarky is interesting, as everyone seemed to be fairly calm when they where walking through the town...This chapter was worth the wait, imo, and good luck with your finals and stuff!

Knightfall
23rd April 2012, 11:20 AM
Should be out.

Thanks for pointing that out, will fix. EDIT: Fixed



And huzzah, you defeated the evil schoolwork! I liked the porttrayal of the Magnemite and Officer Gear and how you distinguished all the Magnemite, as the flatness of their characters was something that narked me in Explorers of Sky. The plot moved on nicely as well, but not too fast. And this "national emergency" malarky is interesting, as everyone seemed to be fairly calm when they where walking through the town...This chapter was worth the wait, imo, and good luck with your finals and stuff!

Yeah, I always thought some of the characters in Sky weren't fleshed out enough, and so that brought forth some very mean Magnemites. \
I'm so glad you noticed the "national emergency" part. More on that will be revealed as the story progresses I promise, including why eveyone was so calm.

Thanks for posting,

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Azurus
23rd April 2012, 6:17 PM
Ah hey knightfall, goodwork as always and enjoy whats happening so far. I really do like the way you introduced the rescue team joining, tho I wonder if anything will happen with the guild due to it's business.

However there are a few errors.

1. Riolu is spelled wrong on all occasions.
2. You accidently omitted a whole word a few times. Tho I'll be damned if I can find them again.

Other than that it's all good and eagerly await the next chapter.

Knightfall
23rd April 2012, 9:03 PM
Ah hey knightfall, goodwork as always and enjoy whats happening so far. I really do like the way you introduced the rescue team joining, tho I wonder if anything will happen with the guild due to it's business.

Thank you, I tried really hard to make Leo's "recruitment" stand out from everything else.



1. Riolu is spelled wrong on all occasions.

Oh God, that's embarrassing. Has been fixed...



2. You accidently omitted a whole word a few times. Tho I'll be damned if I can find them again.

I reread the chapter again, and I think I found them all. Fixed.



Other than that it's all good and eagerly await the next chapter.

Thank you, I always like it when readers like my work, thanks again.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Edit: Wow, over a thousand views.

Rotomknight
25th April 2012, 10:27 PM
I am no longer on the pm list please add me.

Knightfall
26th April 2012, 12:33 AM
Here's the thing, I don't actually have a PM list yet.
I may add one in the future, but for now you can subscribe to the thread, and have it notify you when there's a post in this thread.

So yeah, sorry about that.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

greatguy
30th April 2012, 4:55 AM
Great! I found your story after clicking on your sig in your review of My Trip to the End of Time. I like it, though I wish the protaginist wasn't another human-turned-pokemon, but there are comma problems.

I found a mistake, which I won't quote, because something is wrong with my ds, so I'll write it:

You never went in, you simply out.

I think you meant to add another went.

Anyway, keep this up! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Knightfall
30th April 2012, 11:22 AM
Ah, thanks for catching that, and now it's been fixed.

And I'm sorry you don't like that trait about the protagonist, but if he wasn't originally a human, than it wouldn't really be a true PMD fic on my opinion.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Sidewinder
3rd May 2012, 4:52 PM
I actually just got around to seeing that you posted on the review exchange thread, so I'm hoping we can exchange.

One thing that struck me right off the bat were your paragraphs.


He looked up from his work and looked out of a conveniently placed window in the rock wall to peer into the chamber below.
Another slightly older balding scientist was dashing about the inner perimeter of the concrete walled chamber, connecting the last few wires that were chaotically laced from the ebbing power supply to a strange metal ring embedded in the wall that made it seem like a tunnel; a tunnel full of live high-voltage energy conductors and spinning metal gears that is.

It reads better if you back up the sentences, like this:

He looked up from his work and looked out of a conveniently placed window in the rock wall to peer into the chamber below. Another slightly older balding scientist was dashing about the inner perimeter of the concrete walled chamber, connecting the last few wires that were chaotically laced from the ebbing power supply to a strange metal ring embedded in the wall that made it seem like a tunnel; a tunnel full of live high-voltage energy conductors and spinning metal gears that is.


“It’s true that we were given orders to watch over the boy, but we also have contingency orders that say that in case of a catastrophic situation-and this is one- the complete evacuation of company personal and important data is to be given first priority over the welfare of others,”
He paused to see if the man he was talking to in the upper deck was paying attention, he was barely.

“It’s true that we were given orders to watch over the boy, but we also have contingency orders that say that in case of a catastrophic situation-and this is one- the complete evacuation of company personal and important data is to be given first priority over the welfare of others,” He paused to see if the man he was talking to in the upper deck was paying attention, he was barely.

See what I mean? It makes it easier to read. The blocky uneven text made me lose my place a couple times. Going back after you post a chapter and looking for this can usually weed these errors out.


a sudden flash of bright blue punctured the darkness. It lit up the dark stalks like lightening.

Should be 'lightning'

I just finished Chapter 1, and I'm having a little trobule connecting with Leo. Obviously he's intelligent, and somewhat calculating judging by the way he sizes up his situation of being turned into a Pokemon. I have to say, I would be nowhere near that calm. He almost seems too calm to be honest; it would be such a shock to be completely transformed. And though he is taking it reasonably well, I hope you expand on his newfound physical limitations and strengths. I did feel you did a great job describing his processes with looking for food, resting, looking, resting; it just goes to show how analytical and smart he is by not pushing himself too far. Another good portion was his carefulness when it came to the flame on his tail. I've always wondered how careful the 'char' line is with their biologically imperfect addition of flames and I think you did a good job describing it.

The wall he encountered was another good addition. I was confused at first by it but when I got to the end of the chapter and saw your explanation for it I laughed. I remember riding my bike in Sapphire one day while watching tv, getting caught up in a scene, only to look down minutes later to see I'd been pedaling into a tree for the last ten minutes haha. I don't have experience with any of the Mytery Dungeon games so I'm assuming what you were refrencing is somewhat similar.


Haha @ the fake wait for Chapter 2 on the first post of this page

Another thing I think you are doing great at are the quotes at the begginning of each chapter. They go a long way to set the mood for each chapter and are a great addition. I flirted with doing something similar with my own fic, but I ultimately decided against because of how hard it is to match the quote with whatever scene is unfolding in each chapter. So good job on that.

Another thing I really liked is the characterization you put into the magnemite family. You really stayed true to what I think they'd be like if I ever came across one. The beeps, buzzes, morse code, was all very well done. The 'Bzzt' that followed or interuppted Magenezone's speech was a really good example of this. After awhile I started to think that they're were almost too many breaks in the dialogue with the 'Bzzt', but as I read on it almost became natural and I started to make the sound in my head. When you're doing sound effects like that, make sure to be aware of what it looks like to a reader, and not to overdo it. You've struck up a good balance so far, just be aware.

I have to say that the one thing that keeps sticking out for me is the description. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only way you described Riolu was a black/blue dog. That really doesn't tell me alot. The magnemite specie description was a little lacking as well I think, and when it came to Magnezone all I kept thinking was that if a non-pokemon oriented person read this, all they would be able to picture would be a floating ball of red magnets. I've said this in other fics before and I'll say it here as well. 99% of people who read your fic here are not going to NEED description of the Pokemon you introduce. However, I always try to picture scenes unfolding in my head as I read them, and for some parts of your story it was hard for me. You did a decent job with Charmeleon, but the rest seemed somewhat bland. Not that I'm saying you need to two paragraphs of description everytime a new Pokemon is introduced, but a little more description for the Pokemon would go a long way in helping to make the story more enjoyable.

All in all, I like what you've put out so far. I can definitely say that I now want to play through one of the Mystery Dungeon games to see what the hype is about lol. You havent posted enough for me to get a full idea of where this is going, so I'll end it here. I am curious to see where you take this however, and look forward to reading more. Good job!

Knightfall
3rd May 2012, 10:00 PM
Thank you for the review; the more critique I recieve, the better writer I become.



One thing that struck me right off the bat were your paragraphs.


Yeah, the prologue was somewhat of a test chapter for me, as it was the first full chapter I'd ever written for anything. At least I got some good feedback from the first couple of reviewers, like "big blocks of text are bad".
I'll take care of those ASAP.



Should be 'lightning'


Grrr, I thought I got all the ones from that chapter. I'll fix that as well.



I just finished Chapter 1, and I'm having a little trobule connecting with Leo. Obviously he's intelligent, and somewhat calculating judging by the way he sizes up his situation of being turned into a Pokemon. I have to say, I would be nowhere near that calm. He almost seems too calm to be honest; it would be such a shock to be completely transformed. And though he is taking it reasonably well, I hope you expand on his newfound physical limitations and strengths.

I see what you mean. He does seem to take it unusally well, but he did have higher priorities at the moment, such as finding food and a way out of that cursed field. I thought that it was rational, but I see how it was too calm.
But I have an explanation for that; while it's true he was turned into a Pokemon by circumstances that will be won't fully understood for a while, he also was distracted in a way by his thoughts for basic survival. He's just been withholding his emotions until he has a moment to really think about it. And his breif time in the Pokeworld hasn't been exactly calm.

And for his newfound strengths, he'll find out exactly what he can do in chapter three. So don't worry there.




I did feel you did a great job describing his processes with looking for food, resting, looking, resting; it just goes to show how analytical and smart he is by not pushing himself too far. Another good portion was his carefulness when it came to the flame on his tail. I've always wondered how careful the 'char' line is with their biologically imperfect addition of flames and I think you did a good job describing it.

Thanks, I always wondered why they were given such an obvious weakness myself, but I'm not complaining. It gives me more to work with.




The wall he encountered was another good addition. I was confused at first by it but when I got to the end of the chapter and saw your explanation for it I laughed. I remember riding my bike in Sapphire one day while watching tv, getting caught up in a scene, only to look down minutes later to see I'd been pedaling into a tree for the last ten minutes haha. I don't have experience with any of the Mytery Dungeon games so I'm assuming what you were refrencing is somewhat similar.


Leo's "altercation" with the dungeon wall was the first scene I felt myself laugh when I wrote it. I had a real fun time with that chapter.
And yes, the boundries in the regular games are a perfect example of how a dungeon barrier works; impossible to get through by walking, and the only way through is to use a cheat. Leo basically cheated the dungeon.




Haha @ the fake wait for Chapter 2 on the first post of this page

After how long it took me to post that chapter, I felt like I needed something to make people laugh.



Another thing I think you are doing great at are the quotes at the begginning of each chapter. They go a long way to set the mood for each chapter and are a great addition. I flirted with doing something similar with my own fic, but I ultimately decided against because of how hard it is to match the quote with whatever scene is unfolding in each chapter. So good job on that.

Why thank you; the idea actually came from one of Cutlerine's fics: My Journey to the End of Time By Pearl Gideon.
They do play a certain signifigance in telling the backstory of the fic without directly incorperating it into the chapter.
Some of them are important, as will several future quotes, so pay attention.



Another thing I really liked is the characterization you put into the magnemite family. You really stayed true to what I think they'd be like if I ever came across one. The beeps, buzzes, morse code, was all very well done. The 'Bzzt' that followed or interuppted Magenezone's speech was a really good example of this. After awhile I started to think that they're were almost too many breaks in the dialogue with the 'Bzzt', but as I read on it almost became natural and I started to make the sound in my head. When you're doing sound effects like that, make sure to be aware of what it looks like to a reader, and not to overdo it. You've struck up a good balance so far, just be aware.

I tried to tone down their noises in the later part of the chapter, as they were getting to be very numerous.



I have to say that the one thing that keeps sticking out for me is the description. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only way you described Riolu was a black/blue dog. That really doesn't tell me alot. The magnemite specie description was a little lacking as well I think, and when it came to Magnezone all I kept thinking was that if a non-pokemon oriented person read this, all they would be able to picture would be a floating ball of red magnets. I've said this in other fics before and I'll say it here as well. 99% of people who read your fic here are not going to NEED description of the Pokemon you introduce. However, I always try to picture scenes unfolding in my head as I read them, and for some parts of your story it was hard for me. You did a decent job with Charmeleon, but the rest seemed somewhat bland. Not that I'm saying you need to two paragraphs of description everytime a new Pokemon is introduced, but a little more description for the Pokemon would go a long way in helping to make the story more enjoyable.

One of my biggest banes as a writer aside from commas and semicolons. Description, or rather the lack of it has haunted me for a while now, and I'm really trying to rid myself of it. That'll be one of my major goals for the next chapter as well as the rest of the fic.



All in all, I like what you've put out so far. I can definitely say that I now want to play through one of the Mystery Dungeon games to see what the hype is about lol. You havent posted enough for me to get a full idea of where this is going, so I'll end it here. I am curious to see where you take this however, and look forward to reading more. Good job!

Thank you. I am still amazed at the support and publicity that this fic is getting even though it is still in its infancy, only two chapters (and a prologue) long so far. I'm thankful for all the reviews I've gotten.
And now, I'll think I'll start writing my review of your fic.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

P.S: I highly recommend the Mystery Dungeon games, especially Explorers of Sky, or Blue Rescue Team. They're both excellent games.

pokenutter
4th May 2012, 1:09 AM
Okay, so first off, I'm very sorry about the delay on this review- I missed it in my inbox.

Okay, so I'd absolutely say that the story portion reveals a lot about the world- the coexistence of guilds and teams, what seems like a police state with the Magnemites and Magnezone near the top, the reason for the lack of population in the Mystery Dungeon... Another neat little bit was the reference to EoT/EoD/EoS.

A lot happens here, and it works really well. There was a larger number of typos than the last 2 chapters, but that's something that ought to iron itself out over time.

Overall, a good chapter. Looking forward to the next installment!

Knightfall
4th May 2012, 2:03 AM
Okay, so first off, I'm very sorry about the delay on this review- I missed it in my inbox.

Happens to us all, don't worry about it.



Okay, so I'd absolutely say that the story portion reveals a lot about the world- the coexistence of guilds and teams, what seems like a police state with the Magnemites and Magnezone near the top, the reason for the lack of population in the Mystery Dungeon... Another neat little bit was the reference to EoT/EoD/EoS.

I'm glad you noticed the government structure. More about it will be revealed in future chapters, and well, it's pretty important. And my brain is a little frazzled after the massive exams I just took, what was the reference you saw? Because I put a few in there.



A lot happens here, and it works really well. There was a larger number of typos than the last 2 chapters, but that's something that ought to iron itself out over time.

This chapter was written in little over a few hours in a fit of inspiration I had at 1 in the morning. So that can explain some of the typos that are present.



Overall, a good chapter. Looking forward to the next installment!

Thanks, the next chapter is coming along slowly, but it is still being written. I still have a few exams at the end of the month, so I have no idea when the chapter will be out.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

pokenutter
4th May 2012, 3:54 AM
I'm glad you noticed the government structure. More about it will be revealed in future chapters, and well, it's pretty important. And my brain is a little frazzled after the massive exams I just took, what was the reference you saw? Because I put a few in there.


The one I noticed was the offhand reference to the Restoration of Time.

Knightfall
13th June 2012, 4:51 PM
Chapter Three: Calibration

[Bypassing Security Encryption][Begin Transmission Playback] [File Addendum Found]
Republic Capital Prison

Date [REDACTED]

Time 8:35A.M.

Prisoner #037

Name : David M. Radic

Occupation: Ex-President

Crimes : High Treason

Current Status: Executed

Comments: [REDACTED]
[Unauthorized Access Detected: Disengaging File]****ansmission Ended]
Transmission recovered from computer hard drives by Rogue Industries Counter-Crisis Unit (CCU) personal approximately twenty-seven hours after the destruction of the Dawson Mainland Research Facility.


The team, with their new addition in tow, arrived at the base shortly after leaving the square, via a short trail through the forest that led to a large grassy clearing near the foot of the small valley.
The base wasn’t the only structure in the valley; there were several other dwellings made up of a mishmash of logs and other materials seemingly held together by sheer will and rope.

Leo had taken a moment to admire the base when he first saw it; a jumble of log planks and stone fitted together made up the exterior of the single story structure, it was definitely unlike anything Leo remembered seeing before.

Entering the base, Leo saw that it was completely different from the outside. It was much neater than the rough exterior; there was a small center room that linked to several other rooms that Leo barely got a glimpse of; a few had either a hammock hung from the log wall or a simple straw bed on the floor with a few blankets messily piled in the corners along with several wooden chests apparently used for storage.

In one of the unoccupied rooms Leo spied a small shelf crammed with books. He made a note to look through those when he got the chance.

It was the only tour he got of the place before he found himself sitting in the center room of the base, with Jay and Kelly prodding him to tell his story.

Leo gulped, he knew he needed to chose his words wisely or else things might get more complicated for him than they already were.
He took a breath and began, “The first thing I can definitely remember is waking up on the ground with the sun glaring down on me…”


It was well past sunset by the time Leo had even gone half way with his tale. When the darkness fell, Jay stopped him for a moment; he got up, went over to the wooden wall, and tapped a dull blue crystal shard in a metal container on the wall.
As soon as his blue paw hit the jagged surface of the shard it burst into a small shinning light. He went all around the circular room lightly touching each of the shards until he thought the amount of light adequate.

When Leo questioned him about what they were Jay replied,
“Luminous Orb shards.” He said it as if every being with a pulse knew what a Luminous Orb was, unfortunately for Leo, the Riolu didn’t elaborate on the strange fixtures.

With some convincing, Jay eventually got Leo to continue with his story. It was a late hour by the time the Charmeleon was finished. A time when ghosts of the deceased are said to roam the land, leaving behind trails of dew, mist, and fog. With his story completed, Leo wondered what his new teammates would think of him. They both appeared to be attentive to his narrative, but Leo couldn’t fathom was the thoughts were processing through their heads.

He wasn’t worried about how they would react to the fact that he used to be a human; he taken too many risks in the past few days, and had decided to leave that little detail out of his account.

It isn’t the right time or place to tell them. Besides, I have no idea what they’ll think of me if they find out, I need to find out more about this place before that happens. He reasoned while he feigned the account of what had happened when he first woke up in the Fields and his realization that he was no longer human.
He felt somewhat guilty about inadvertently lying to them, but he told himself it was for the best.

Jay was the first to break the relatively short silence.

“Really?” He commented nonchalantly while waving a blue paw at Leo’s words that hung in the air.
“The Far Reach frontier explorers’ stories are more believable if only slightly, and most of them are certified insane.”

“What?” Leo shot back at the Riolu. He doesn’t believe me. He just dismissed by story, just like that!

Jay didn’t miss a beat, “I’m sorry, but you story sounds just a little unbelievable. Just 'waking up' in an inescapable dungeon and escape it? It just doesn’t happen; not that it couldn’t happen, it doesn’t happen!”

Leo shot up from the wooden stool he’d been sitting on, and glared at the Riolu. His red eyes hidden behind his “mask” of black fur didn’t even blink.

“You saw what happened! You saw me crash through the barrier of that place with your own eyes! Kelly too!” Leo shouted at his annoyed leader, who simply turned away from him.

“You don’t believe me, everything I went through?” Never mind the fact that the story you told them is a lie in itself, his conscience whispered to him.
He ignored it and returned his full attention back to the canine Pokemon.

Jay took a deep, calming breath and slowly faced the fuming lizard.

“Look, I’m sorry for yelling. I’m still a little irritated from the stunt Gear pulled earlier- not that you’re not a good Pokemon and all, but he was stepping beyond his bounds.” He explained, slowing his heavy breathing and continued his apology,
“But there’s no use crying over it; you’re here now and I can’t easily change that. So for now, we’ll wait until tomorrow to find out what it is you can do now that you’re here,”

Surprised by Jay’s sudden attitude shift Leo noted to try and remain on his new leader’s good side.
“So, do you believe what happened to me?” he asked, his own anger with the Pokemon diminishing slowly.

“I’ll admit that the waking up inside one of the most dangerous dungeons this side of the Kingdom and escaping it, is slightly far-fetched, but we did see you break out of it, so I’ll take it that you’re telling the truth.” Jay said as he walked past the Charmeleon into one of the rooms that branched off from the center chamber.

“Thank you,” Leo said quietly.
Suddenly a thought surfaced in his mind. “Jay, you said something about finding out what I can do tomorrow. What are you talking about?”

“You’ll find out in the morning,” the Riolu shouted from his room without looking back at Leo.

He pushed his clawed hand to his forehead, how am I supposed to know anything when he’s so confusing all the time?
“Is he always like this?” Leo asked Kelly, who had remained relatively silent since he started his retelling.

She got to her feet.
“I’ll admit he can be a little frustrating at times, but he isn’t usually like this, at least not that I’ve seen since I meet him. I’ll tell you something I’ve found out about Jay: he likes knowing what’s going on at all times, and with what he doesn’t know…well, you saw how he reacted. It’s not you; it’s the system he’s mad at. Gear’s actions were perfectly within his power, but he didn’t give us any warning,” she answered him, finally giving an explanation to the deserving Charmeleon.

I guess that makes sense, Leo thought, I understand liking knowing what’s going on, too.
“Wait, what system? Is it Gear and the others?” He asked prying her for any shards of information he could get from her.

“It’s them, and the fact that the king gave the police teams virtually unlimited power across The Kingdom, because of the state of world lately.” She told him, lowering her head with a sigh that one makes when no matter what they do, it can’t change the world.

Genuinely concerned now, Leo asked again.
“What’s going on? What’s going on with the world?”

She raised her head and gave him an incredulous look.
“You really don’t know?” she asked in disbelief.

“I kind of don’t remember anything about…well, anything.” Leo said sheepishly as her look softened as she understood his dilemma.

“Oh, yeah. Your amnesia.” She said with a tired yawn. “Listen, Leo. I promise I will explain to you everything you need to know, but right now it’s pretty late and we’ve all had a long day.” She started to slowly walk past him into the same hallway Jay had went down.

She stopped at the entrance to her room opposite of Jay’s, “Pick a room, and try to get some sleep for tomorrow.” She let out another soft yawn, “Goodnight, Leo.”

And she went into her room; Leo was left standing in the middle room. Shrugging his shoulders he tried to find the room with the bookshelf he saw earlier.

With minimal mishaps, he located the room he desired. With a better survey Leo found that the wall held two hooks for a hammock, which he found stuffed in a small trunk along the wall. He dragged it out of the chest and hooked the two ends to the wall.
Impressed with his work hanging bed set up, he made his way over to the book shelf. It wasn’t high up on the wall so Leo could see every book’s title without much effort.

Their covers were worn and slightly torn, and the once bright lettering on the spines faded. Leo struggled to translate the titles as their letters were written in some sort of script that resembled Standard*, but the letters didn’t exactly match.

With a little more effort he was able to make out the titles, he scanned across them all trying to find something remotely helpful. He read the titles as he grabbed the books.
“The Psychic Pokemon’s Guide to Reading Minds and Influencing the Weak-Minded”, no, I don’t need that. He placed the book on the floor.

“The Complete History of Blast Seeds: High Explosive Edition”, not what I need right now. He put the book on top of the last book on the floor.

“Royal Genealogy: The Rulers of the Kingdom and the Royal Lineage”, interesting, but no. He put it on the pile with the others.

“This Lasting Feud: The Enduring Conflict Between The Kingdom and its Renegade Colonies”, I’ll look at that later, but not now. He placed it with the others as he looked at the next book.

“Magmortar’s Guide to Making Anything and Everything Combustible”, just leave it alone, Leo. He thought before throwing the book on the growing pile of discarded books.

Finally he found something of reasonable help, “Common Knowledge: A Comprehensive Guide to the World-(compiled by the Trinity Isle Research and Archives facility)”, this might be what I need! he thought excitedly as he slid the worn book out from between its brethren and hopped into the hammock, his fiery tail hanging off the side of it.

He gently pulled open the cover looked flipped through the pages until he found a chapter that looked interesting.

“Chapter Eight: Mythological Creatures…..”He said with a yawn.

Scanning through the pages of the chapter he stopped when he saw the heading: “Humans”.
All thoughts of sleeping left him as he read the opening paragraph.
“What?”
Puzzled at why his original species was listed as a myth he read the entry processing every word like it was gold.

“Humans are beings that we have little information on other than that they are the focal point of several popular legends. The most commonly known of these ancient stories is “The Legend of the Great War” in which the human nations begin a fierce war between themselves and Pokemon. The legend has been corrupted by generations of retelling so it is not entirely clear on why the war was started in the first place; however most versions have that the human nations were eventually defeated by the Dragon Trinity who banished them as eternal punishment.”

Leo was fascinated with the partially informative passage. Eager to find out more he continued reading.

“Though it is not clear if humans existed or are a true myth, these legends are popular among Pokemon as the supposed fate of these beings. To find out if they did, in fact, exist at one point in time; several T.I.R.A sponsored archeological teams are preparing to travel to the islands thought to be closest to the lost civilization to look for evidence.”

Leo was rather disappointed that the book did not go into detail with the legend, but was content that he found some information within the context.

He flipped through several other chapters, “Chapter One: The Kingdom. Chapter Two: Rescue Teams. Chapter Seven: Mystery Dungeons”, he murmured to himself before finally falling asleep.


Leo woke when the smell of burning paper reached his nose.
He flailed in the hammock until he fell over the side of it onto the packed dirt floor.
Ignoring the sore pains in his limbs he found the source of the acrid smell: it was a book, “The Complete History of Blast Seeds” to be exact.
He had placed it along with several other discarded books in a pile beside his hammock, only now it was on fire.
During his few hours of sleep he got after reading, his tail had apparently brushed up against the pile and set the top book aflame.

In alarm, Leo snatched the blazing volume and threw in on the floor. He got to his feet and quickly stomped on the book repeatedly until he was satisfied that the fire was out.
He inspected the other books in the pile to make sure the fire hadn’t spread to any of them, and to his relief it hadn’t.
The “Complete History” wasn’t as lucky as its companions; the front cover and the first couple chapters were charred beyond hope of repair.

Not good. Burning a book is definitely not a way to make a good impression. With that thought in mind, he decided that is was best that he disposed of the novel.

Looping his key around his neck he took a quick look out of the doorway of his room. After make sure it was clear, he quietly took the blackened book in his claws and tiptoed into the hallway, which was no small accomplishment considering he was still getting used to the new shape of his feet.

The hallway was still lit by the soft bluish glow of the Luminous Orb shards, allowing Leo to not accidently stumble into the walls and wake Jay or Kelly.

Successfully navigating through the Luminous Orb lit base, Leo pushed open the rough wooden door and snuck outside. It was still dark, but the faint glow on the horizon told him it wouldn’t stay that way for long. With the destroyed book in hand, he quietly walked through the dew stained grass until he came to a small knoll that overlooked most of the valley.

Winding back his arm, he chucked the book. The novel soared through the air over somewhere deep in the lower half of the gorge.

After listening for the tell-tale “thud” that resonated from the impact, Leo took advantage of the peace and quiet to sort through the all the events that had befell him in the days before.
His strange transformation, his complete amnesia, his adventure in the Fields and all the trouble it brought him, being wrongly arrested than interrogated by Gear and his deputies, being dragged back inside the prison by the Magnemite, getting assigned to the team, all of it still painfully fresh in his mind.

Unable to remember his previous life, not knowing anything about the world, finding out that humans were nothing but myths; it was enough to make anyone frustrated beyond the point of anger.
Going over the events that had made the last few days less than ideal made his tail flare to coincide with his feelings.
Cursing his so-called “luck”, he shattered the morning tranquility with an infuriated yell.

The sound of his shout carried throughout the valley and all its inhabitants, causing a startled flock of Pidgey to flee their tree in alarm and making more than one house’s windows to light up with the flicker of torchlight.
He screamed until he couldn’t any more, venting every one of the emotions he that had built up over the last few days.
Gasping for breath, it felt like a heavy burden was taken off his shoulders.

“I hope you have a good reason for waking me up like that,” a voice asked from behind Leo.
Startled, Leo swung around to face the unwelcome intruder, his right clawed hand curled into a fist ready to strike.
Just as he was about to clock the unknown Pokemon, he held his fist back. The growing light revealed the intruder to be none other than Jay.

“God, don’t do that!” Leo told him with a small sigh of relief that it was Jay and not a ticked off local wanting revenge for their interrupted sleep.

“Than maybe the next time you decide to let off some steam, you make it that it doesn’t wake everyone in the province,” Jay scolded as he dropped a satchel he was holding to the ground.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to do it, but I was just so … frustrated with everything.” Leo apologized, watching as the scattered Pidgy reformed their flock and returned to their tree.

“You really were telling the truth last night, weren’t you? This amnesia of yours and everything else that you said happened, I guess you weren’t lying after all.” Jay realized, as the Riolu crossed his arms.

“You actually believe my story now?” Leo asked his uncertainty ebbing away with the night cold.

“Might as well, because no normal Pokemon just starts screaming at sunrise for the fun of it, except maybe Vigoroth, the guy’s insane. And besides, if I was stuck in that dungeon for a day, I’d probably start screaming like an insane Pokemon too.” Jay answered the Charmeleon, as the sun’s glow started to make its way over the mountains that bordered the eastern end of the valley.

Leo pondered his teammate’s words while turning the on his neck key over in his claws. Who knows? Maybe that place really did affect me after all.

The brief silence that followed their conversation was interrupted by the sounding of a loud, single, cheerful trumpet note that carried across the morning air from the direction of the town.
Jay’s ears twitched upon hearing the noise, “That was the signal that the markets are open. I need to take care of some business there while it’s still early.
You can come along if you want; it’s up to you.” He said with a shrug.

Shaking away his previous thoughts, Leo nodded.
“What about Kelly?” he asked, pointing a single claw at the structure they called a base, and he now called his home, at least for now.

Jay waved the question away,
“Don’t worry, she’ll get the supplies together, than she’ll meet us in the Square like usual. And we kind of need to hurry if we want to get there before the crowd shows up.”

He bent down and picked up the small, worn satchel off the ground. It was colored light brown--or at least that was the color it had faded to-- and it had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol itself was, unsurprisingly, not recognized by Leo as the royal seal of The Kingdom.

Jay slid the satchel over his shoulder and with a quick “come on” motion of his paw, took off running down the path leading to the Square. Leo stood blinking at the Riolu’s speedy departure and shook himself back to reality. He ordered his legs to run to catch up with Jay.
He sprinted down the tree lined path, trying not to trip and fall comically on the roots that stuck up from the ground.

He saw Jay many yards ahead of him, striding with ease over the roots and fallen leafy boughs, while he barely managed to maintain a running pace with his new feet, much less not stumble into branches along the way.
Before long the dark canopy of trees gave way to the flicker of flaming torches from the square.

Leo emerged from the forest path breathing hard, but not nearly as scratched up as he thought he would have been after barreling through several low branches.
He glanced down at his scaly skin; there might actually be some advantages to this body after all, he thought.
He saw Jay giving him a smug look from a few feet up the street; he looked like he’d been waiting there for a while.

“Forgot how to run?” he taunted, making Leo pay for his interrupted sleep.
Leo growled, while it was true hadn’t run that fast in… well, recent memory, but he hadn’t forgotten that much.
Pushing the sudden desire to slash at the Riolu away, Leo managed to ask Jay what sort of “business” he had to take care of so early.

“You’ll find out in a few minutes, but for now just follow me while we pass through the checkpoint,” was all he told him before he started walking toward the town.

Leo walked behind Jay as they approached the outskirts of the town. There, built across the middle of the street were two torch lit booths made of wooden planks.
One booth on each side of the street, each blending in perfectly with the dwellings of the Pokemon that lived in the Square; one reason why Leo never noticed them yesterday.

Inside the security booths were two Pokemon, whose species he’d hold a grudge with for a long time yet, possibly forever.

The two Magnemite floated lazily at their posts, but suddenly gained an alertness they lacked before when Jay and Leo walked into their sight. The guards zoomed out of their booths and hovered over the two early visitors.

“Just let me do the talking,” Jay whispered to Leo as he turned to the guard on the right

“Hello, sirs. My friend and I have to get through. Would you please-“

“ZZT! Please,” the Magnemite on the left said.

“for the love of Arceus,” added the one on the right

“shut up so we can verify both of your citizen IDs. ZZZT! ” they both droned, yawns of static emanated from both of the sentinel units.
Reluctantly, Jay shut his mouth.

“Now, please present some form of valid identification; emphasis on the “valid” part”, the guard on the left ordered, holding out his horseshoe magnet appendage.

“Alright,” Jay answered, pulling open his satchel. After a few seconds of searching, he produced a small, circular, metal badge that sported a pair of wings on each side.
As soon as he held the badge up it suddenly flew from Jay’s paw and landed with a metallic “clink!” on the guard’s outstretched magnet.

“Verification in process,” the guard said boredly, even though he didn’t appear to actually do anything with the badge except stare at intensely with his single eye.

“Now, Charmeleon. Your badge please,” the Magnemite on the right asked while his comrade continued to stare at the badge.

Leo was at a loss. “Umm, I don’t have a badge.”

The guard buzzed in annoyance. “Well than, where is your citizen ID?”

“I don’t actually have one either.” Leo slowly told the guard, unsure of what was to happen next.

“An unregistered citizen, eh? ZT! Do we have a fugitive from the Colonies, maybe? Well, rebel scum, we have some space for you in the town prison. Rho, come help me with him!”

“Wait! Wait! Wait! I’m not-” Leo stuttered as the right guard hovered toward him, his magnets sparking with stunning energy.

Before Leo could turn tail and run, Jay stepped in between him and the guard.
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! He’s not from the Colonies! He got clearance from Gear yesterday.”

The guard paused, his magnet’s energy dissipating.
“Clearance? From Gear? I’ll need to verify this. Please wait a moment while I contact Chief Officer Gear.”
The guard fell silent as he used his screw-like antenna to contact the Magnezone.

As the guard on the right was doing this, the guard on the left, Rho, had ceased his staring contest with the badge and magnetically levitated it back to Jay. "ZT! Premission to enter, Jay, of Team Salient. ZZT!"
Seconds after Jay got his badge back, the guard on the right started talking again.

“You may pass; turns out Gear actually did give you clearance. He also told me to apologize for my rash treatment of you and your friend Jay, or else I’ll be reassigned to the Sawgrass Town patrol.” the Magnemite on the right shuddered like the mere uttering of the words “apology” and “Sawgrass Town” caused him physical pain.

The guard took a deep static filled breath,
“I, Deputy Officer Ion, am sincerely sor…”he stopped in the middle of his forced apology.
His frame shook and his magnets spun and sparked erratically,
“ ...ry and you are an outstanding citizen,” he finished.
As soon as the final part of the word came from his speaker, a spark shot from his spherical body and he dropped like a stone to the street with a metallic clang, a thin trail of smoke coming from his body.

His counterpart, Rho gave a static filled sigh as he hovered over the fallen officer and attached one of his magnets to his fried friend. Swinging around to signal that they could pass, he than started dragging Ion elsewhere to recover while muttering
“…we weren’t made to show emotions”.

“That was …odd,” Leo stated; slightly confused over what exactly had just occurred.
Jay shrugged and motioned for him to follow as he started walking away from the checkpoint into the predawn Square.

Once they were a good distance away from the checkpoint and any eavesdropping police, Jay finally spoke.
“We didn’t always have them guarding everywhere, you know. It was one event that caused this,” He whispered as the two walked further away from the sentry posts.

“It was two months ago. A group of refugee Pokemon suddenly showed up in the town one day, nothing wrong with that- we’ve been receiving refugees even since this civil war started. But over the next few days strange things started happening: item rations going missing, Gold and Silver Poké disappearing out of the bank, and important war messages from the Federation never arriving.”

“What happened with them? Those Pokemon?” Leo asked, intrigued by the story behind the abundance of security forces.

Jay went on,
“Well, after a few days of observing the new arrivals and finding them guilty of the rash of crime, Gear and the Guild combined their teams and raided the entire Western Quarter of the square. They arrested a good deal of the outlaw Pokemon, but not without razing half of the Quarter to the ground.” He pointed his paw down a side street.

It was hard to distinguish in the faint light, but Leo could see the evidence of the disastrous fire. Focusing on the area, he saw that behind the clay and stone buildings of the town lay an expanse of blackened buildings and charred rubble.

“Turns out that they were Colony spies smuggling information back to them. Naturally, our king was beside himself with anger, he overrode the Federation and decreed that all towns and cities are to be constantly guarded by police, no exceptions.” Jay concluded as they approached the open market area of the square, which was still bathed in a gray light from the retreating night.
“It’s not like we enough problems to worry about, anyways,” the Riolu sighed as they entered the center square of the Square.
The waving colorful banners attached to the buildings Leo saw yesterday now hung limply, occasionally fluttering in the weak morning breeze.
The tarp covered shops were still for the most part quiet, except for a select few.
There were only five or so other Pokemon that milled around the deserted marketplace- looking for early deals or more often than not, information that only a select few can give at this time of morning.
One of the few shops that happened to be operating at this early hour was a small lantern lit stand tucked into the side of the street among the other currently closed stands.

Jay motioned for Leo to follow him as he approached the stand. The small wooden sign on it read simply: “Aleck’s Goods”
On the wooden table were several small glass containers filled with some sort of viscous liquid and fragments of colored crystals that seemed to change their coloring every time Leo blinked, but they weren’t the oddest items on the stand: on the back area of the surface were several small piles of dirt.
The stand also appeared to be empty, but that fact didn’t seem to deter Jay. He reached his arm over the cart and all of its odd merchandise until he came to the piles of dirt.

He lightly touched the nearest pile of earth with the tip of his paw. As soon as the few grains of soil moved, a small rumbling sounded from behind the counter.
Leo leaned forward to get a closer look at the miniature earthquake, but he immediately jumped back out of shock when a small purple blur shot up from the ground with a fountain of displaced pebbles and soil.

The little purple goblin creature turned to look at them with its eyes, which, much to Leo’s mixture of fascination and repulsion, were a pair of cut diamonds.

Jay cracked a smile. “Aleck, we need your help with somethi-” he started to ask before he was abruptly cut off by the feral shop owner.

“You have disturbed the dirt!” he shouted, slashing his claws erratically in the air.

“Aleck!” Jay shouted, swinging one of his paws at the shopkeeper’s head. He avoided the sharp claws and landed a direct hit on the side of the Sableye’s head, right underneath the Pokemon’s short, spiky ear.

The purple creature’s flailing actions halted, and he shook his head slowly. He coughed twice, and looked up again from across the counter at his two customers.

“Ahhh, my valued customers! Good morning! What can I do for my most privileged of patrons this fine dawn?” the shopkeeper wheezed, his voice completely lacking the violence he had a moment ago.

Undeterred, Jay attempted to ask the Pokemon again.
“Aleck, we need your help with something.”

Aleck sighed. “Thank you, Jay. Not many folks stop by my old shop anymore, not since those darn Kelcon brothers built one of their stores here and with the war rationing going on; I’m amazed I’m still in business! If it weren’t for my few customers, I’d have-”

Jay tapped once on the rough wooden counter to stop the Sableye’s rant on his financial woes.
“Aleck, we need your assistance with an item of ours; we’re not buying at the moment unfortunately,” Jay said, watching the old Pokemon give another sigh.

“Fine, let’s get this done quickly. Let me see the hunk of crystal you’ve brought- me along with every other rescue team in the business has for the last thirty years,” he said, holding out one of his small purple claws.

Jay shook his head, “It’s no ordinary hunk of crystal; Leo, if you would give him your key for a minute.”

“What? Why?” Leo asked, clutching his treasure defensively.

“Think of it as a way of me saying sorry for treating you like garbage yesterday. Just hand it to him.” Jay insisted, as the shopkeeper’s diamond eyes stared at the artifact.

Reluctantly, Leo placed his key on the counter, and it was almost instantly snatched by the purple Pokemon.
Aleck held the key up close where he went over it with his small claws.
“Hmm, interesting. Very interesting,” He mumbled as he continued analyzing the object as Leo watched him like a hawk for any attempt to harm his treasure.

“Well, what’s it made of?” Jay asked, as the Sableye handed the key back to its original owner. Leo quickly took it and placed it around his neck with a deep sigh of relief.

Aleck muttered anxiously to himself as Jay inquired again as to what it was made of.

Aleck finally answered the two. “I’ll be honest with you; I’ve never seen anything like that key before. It’s as hard as diamond, has energy like an Orb crystal, and its craftsmanship is unlike anything else. Also, the necklace itself unfortunately isn’t gold, but it’s a strong metal nonetheless.”
He explained as he read off the mental list he’d made when he observed the key.

Leo was amazed at the results of the Pokemon’s analysis, while Jay asked what the thing was worth.

Aleck rubbed the back of his neck, “I dunno, it’s hard to say really. I’d buy it from you for three thousand Gold Poké right now.”

Jay’s eyes went wide. “Three. T-thousand?” he asked, struggling to believe the amount the Sableye offered.

Aleck turned towards Leo who answered his question before he even asked it.
“Not for sale, sorry.”
Aleck sighed in disappointment as Jay squeezed his mouth shut to keep from screaming at his teammate.

“Understandable, quite understandable,” He reluctantly agreed as he turned to Jay, “Any more items of value that need to be appraised?”
Jay took a deep breath and answered Aleck, “No, but we do need one more thing; he needs a badge, and we can’t get one from the Guild for certain reasons,” Jay told Aleck, jabbing a paw toward Leo.

Aleck started muttering to himself again, after a few seconds he answered Jay.

“I might be able to get one by tomorrow, and that’ll be two Silver Poké when I get it.” Aleck informed them.

Satisfied with the answer, Jay thanked the Sableye, who than burrowed back into the ground, off to do what ever it was he did in his free time.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that. Not three thousand. Personally, I’d have sold it, but it is yours. Better keep that thing safe, Leo,” Jay said, walking away from Aleck’s store towards the opposite side of the marketplace. Jay continuing to talk about what they’d be able to do with the small fortune of gold coins.

“Is that why we’re here? To have my key appraised?” Leo asked, wondering if that was why they he had run all the way into town.

“I came to get you a badge, to keep another incident at the checkpoints from happening again. And I wanted to do something to make up for yesterday, but we’re not quite done yet. We still need to choose a job request over by the Post Office,” Jay explained as the square suddenly lit with the full brilliance of the morning sun as it came over the mountains.

“Wait. Job request?” Leo asked as Jay said nothing and dragged him over to an older building made of stones cracked from age and ivy, its rough wooden sign read: “Post Office” and under that: “Established: does the date even matter? It’s old, really old.”
Adjacent to the ancient looking post office, were several depilated wooden boards all covered with multitudes of posters and looked like even the slightest breeze could reduce them to splinters.

As they got closer, Leo saw that only a portion of the posters were new while most were yellowed and torn from rain and age.
Once they were standing directly at the boards Leo saw that one of the boards had posters that contained images of vicious looking Pokemon and boasted descriptions and rewards for their capture. One poster showed a picture of a light purple bulldog Pokemon with a single broken fang.
Trounce the Granbull: wanted for smuggling illegal items and other thefts against the crown. Location: Solitary Forest, near Area Three. Reward: 580 Copper Poké
He caught another description of an outlaw; this one seemed much larger than the others and had a painting of a regal looking cream colored fox sporting a look of pure wickedness.
Raiss the Ninetales: wanted for numerous crimes against the Kingdom in the Far Reach territories near the Oresville settlement. Note: all pursuing Tracker teams must exercise caution as this Pokemon is cunning and is possibly working with an unidentified accomplice.
Reward for capture: 1,500 Silver Poké.
Another poster, another picture, another reward promised in exchange for capture. Amid the sea of posters, were several newer looking posters plastered on top of dozens of outdated jobs.
They advertised phrases like: “Rebellion will not be tolerated! Fight for The Kingdom!”, “The Colonies will not triumph against us!”, and finally “The Kingdom will not be split in two! Take back the Colonies!”
As Leo gazed over the posters and propaganda wondering what exactly was wrong with this world, Jay handed him a single poster.
“Take a look.” Jay ordered.

Taking the paper, Leo saw, much to his relief, that it wasn’t an outlaw job.

Client: Pidgeotto
Location: Spore Meadows Dungeon, Area Six
Reward: Silver

“Oddly sparse with the info. Usually rescue requests are full of pleas for help, but this one, not much of anything,” Jay commented on the unusually empty poster.

Leo gulped not really hearing the Riolu’s remark; his tail flickered slightly as he reread over the request.
“A dungeon? We’re going willingly into a dungeon?”

“Where else would we go?” he said with a laugh.


Leo and Jay had rendezvoused with Kelly at the outside of the Square where she handed Leo a satchel similar to Jay’s and on she had around her neck.
The Spore Meadows Dungeon wasn’t too far from the Square; an hour long hike though the southern side of the valley led them to the entrance. Surrounded by forest, the Meadows stood out significantly against the trees with its towering grass and weeds.

The wall of field plants seemed eerily similar to the that of Tranquility Fields; however, Kelly repeatedly assured Leo that it was nothing like that hell.

Without another thought, Jay walked through the wall of green grass and abruptly vanished behind it, not even a rustle could be seen on the outside. Before Leo could react to Jay’s disappearance, Kelly motioned for him to follow as she too disappeared through the weeds.

For a minute, Leo stood there trying to gain the courage to follow. He took a deep breath to calm his racing heart. You heard Kelly, there’s nothing to worry about.
Before he could even begin to doubt her words, Leo squeezed his eyes shut and ran full speed through the dungeon barrier.
It felt like he passed through a wall of freezing water, and as quickly as it started, the sensation ceased.

When Leo finally opened his eyes he saw that he was standing in a small clearing, surrounded by the walls of grass and weeds. He also saw that he was alone; Jay and Kelly were nowhere in sight.
“Just great, I’m lost. What do I do now- What the heck was that?!” He yelled as he heard the wall of grass rustle violently.
Not looking back, he grabbed the strap of his bag, and sprinted through the tall grass into the dungeon.


Spore Meadows: Area One

Crashing through weeds taller as he was, Leo ran. As he ran, his claw brushed up against an oblong pod attached to a weed. As soon as he touched it, the pod burst into a cloud of colorful spores.
Leo gasped for breath as he passed through the cloud, running into another clearing. Stopping for a moment to catch his breath, Leo heard the grass behind him rustle again.

Leo slowly turned around to face what ever horror popped out of the dungeon.
Much to his relief, he didn’t see a snarling monster about to maim him, but instead, a small green creature with a flower on its head that drifted lazily along in the air.
Leo smiled as he approached the creature, “You don’t look so bad.”

The creature in question turned toward him, only now sensing his presence. It stared at him with its small red eyes, and twirled once in the air landing a few feet away, a plain smile etched on its face.
Convinced that the strange Pokemon wasn’t going to harm him, Leo went up to it again.
“Could you help me? I’m trying to find my teammates.”

Suddenly the creature let out a loud shriek that caused Leo to hold the sides of his head where his ears normally would have been.
The creature yelled with a voice in an incomprehensible language that sounded like wind blowing through trees during a storm.
The creature used its ears to direct a small gust of wind at Leo, propelling itself further away from the stunned wayward explorer.
As soon as the creature stopped its shrill alarm, Leo turned to run for the safety of the grass overgrowth. The creature moved through the air as quickly as a hurricane’s gale, and shot a single glowing seed from its flower at the moving Charmeleon.

The seed caught Leo in his back; it burst in a spray of syrupy, sweet smelling substance that clung to Leo’s scales.
While Leo was distracted by the new coating on his body, the small creature decided to pelt the intruder with another barrage of seeds that burst into a cloud of gaseous spores when they hit.

As Leo struggled to dodge the flying seeds and clouds of spores, he dove into the tall forest of weeds that surrounded the clearing.
The creature stopped its attack when it saw that its target was missing. As lazily as a summer island breeze, it floated down to the ground and looked around for the missing intruder.
Thankfully it didn’t appear to be even remotely intelligent, because it seemed to have forgotten where Leo dove into the grass, despite having seen it a few seconds earlier.
As the creature scanned the clearing for Leo, he was busy trying to find some way to get rid of the thing. Fighting isn’t the greatest option; through I do have claws now. There’s got to be something I can do.

Watching the Pokemon float around the clearing, being gently pushed along by the breezes, he got an idea. Could it really be that simple? He laughed to himself darkly, this was going to be fun.

Leo waited until the Pokemon was directly in front of his hiding spot, as soon as it landed Leo pounced from the grass with a battle cry.
The creature turned around and shrieked in alarm and prepared another attack, but it was too late. Leo reached the creature and swung his foot upwards and kicked the Pokemon’s underside as hard as he could.

“Skiploooooooom!” the Pokemon screamed as it was propelled high into the air. Leo watched as the winds carried the stunned Pokemon away.

Leo smiled, this counted as a victory in his book despite the fact that he still smelled like a flower and was bruised from the seed bullets.

Suddenly, he heard more rustling from the grass as more Pokemon appeared. Small round pink Pokemon with two leafy sprouts attached to their heads and several more Skiploom.

Now that he knew how to deal with them, Leo grinned, Game on.
With a battle cry, he charged into the small group of Pokemon.


Spore Meadows Area Six
If one had the ability to see past the temporal anomaly that is Spore Meadows, they would have seen an extraordinary sight: scores of angered Hoppip and Skiploom raining down from the sky over every area of the dungeon.
This event would have easily have been classified as an adverse change in the wind currents, but another reason was the true cause.

Leo had been busy; as he had advanced further into the mystery dungeon looking for any sign of his teammates he had somehow become the target of every Hoppip and Skiploom in the area.
Punching and punting away every enemy Pokemon slowly exhausted him, but thankfully the cottonweed Pokemon only came in groups of two or three at a time.
They were somehow drawn to him like a magnet, and immediately started to bombard him with spore seeds once eye contact was made.

Crouching in the grass out of sight from the roaming Pokemon, Leo rested, using his satchel as a pillow. Suddenly, he realized that he had forgotten that he even had the bag completely until now.
He slung his bag Kelly had provided him with to the ground and opened it. Inside were items he wished he’d remembered he had earlier.
An apple glistened in the noon sun for an instant before Leo chomped into it, hungrily devouring the fruit. Other than the apple was a curious, round, blue berry he’d seen in the market yesterday, and two round stones. He ate the berry in one bite and left the two stones alone as he hefted the bag back onto his shoulder.

Feeling completely rejuvenated from the apple and little berry, he traveled through the grass- the laws of physics not applying as his flaming tail didn’t torch the entire dungeon.

With the scores of Hoppip and Skiploom drifting helplessly in the air behind him, Leo carefully peered into the next clearing.
At first he didn’t see anything, and then he heard voices coming from the far corner of the glade.
“…Please get me outta here; I’ve been here for three days. Doesn’t that thing work?” A voice said, followed by a round of coughing.

Another voice spoke, which Leo identified as Jay.
“Don’t talk, or else you’ll pass out again. We’ll get you out of here, don’t worry.”

The voice mumbled something before going silent. Slowly coming out of the grass, Leo made his way through the clearing over to where he last heard the voices, watching out for any other enraged dungeon dwellers.

As he rounded a turn in the glade, he saw Jay, Kelly, and a Pokemon he’d never seen before crouched near the ground in pain. It was a large beige raptor with a head-crest of curved red feathers.
Jay and Kelly appeared to be attending to the bird, and didn’t notice him approaching from behind.

“Hey, you two. Is that your missing guy over there?” the Pidgeotto coughed, as Jay and Kelly turned around.

“Leo! You made it! I was worried when you weren’t with us when we went entered!” Kelly exclaimed.
“I told you he’d be alright, this dungeon isn’t that difficult,” Jay stated, as the Pidgeotto grunted in obvious disagreement as he gingerly lifted his bloodied left wing that Leo knew wasn’t supposed to bend that far backwards.

“Wait, didn’t you have to fight through swarms of Pokemon to get here?” Leo asked, looking away from the bird Pokemon’s clearly broken wing.

“What? No. In fact we hardly saw any Pokemon at all, that’s why we got here so quickly. What happened to you?” Kelly asked, puzzled over Leo’s previous question.

Leo briefly explained what had befallen on him since he was separated from them at the dungeon entrance.
“That’s just some straight up bad luck you got right there.” The Pidgeotto commented as he grunted in pain as Jay poured clear liquid from a small glass vial over the Pokemon’s wound.

“Wait, who exactly are you?” Leo asked the battered Pidgeotto.

Continued on next post.

Knightfall
13th June 2012, 4:52 PM
Chapter Three-Continued

“Name’s Icarus. I’m the one your teammates are supposed to be rescuing. By the way, why’s that taking so long?” Icarus answered, directing the latter question to Jay.

“The badges aren’t working right, I already told you that; just give us a few minutes to fix them, ok?” Jay growled as he continued pressing a small raised button on the center of his badge.

“Kelly, what’s going on? What do badges have to do with rescuing this guy?” Leo inquired, wondering what the heck the small metal badges possibly could do.

“They have the ability to instantly teleport a Pokemon out of a dungeon, or at least they do when they actually work.” She grumbled as she jabbed the center of her own rescue badge again, nothing happened.
“Those things can teleport? Why isn’t it working? They are supposed to work aren’t they? Aren’t they called rescue badges for that reason?” Leo asked, beginning to worry now that their escape route out of this place was possibly gone.

Kelly answered, taking a break from the malfunctioning badge.
“Lately the Federation has been commandeering the Psychic Pokemon that oversee and control the all the teleportation channels that come from all of the badges, and decide when to open them. So, until one of them comes back to work, we’ll have to wait or find our way out ourselves.” she grumbled.
In frustration, Jay threw his badge to the ground of the dungeon, “The one time we actually succeed in a mission, and we can’t get out of the dungeon!”

Suddenly Icarus spoke while pointing his good wing at the opposite end of the glade, “Eh, you guys? I’m sorry to interrupt, but what in Moltres’s holy name is that?”

“What are you …? Mew, mother of Arceus …” Jay swore as he looked across the clearing.

“That” turned out to be scores upon scores of Hoppip and Skiploom appearing from the grass, all of them wearing looks of hatred one does not normally expect to see on sentient weeds.

The group of Pokemon was stunned into silence by the sheer amount of the native Pokemon except Icarus who let loose a quiet yet lengthy explicative.
The Pidgeotto suddenly sniffed, “Wait a sec,” he sniffed again.
“I thought I knew that smell; Charmeleon, you’ve been Stained by one of them. You led ‘em straight here.”
Icarus noted as the advancing wall of Pokemon abruptly stopped moving forward.

“W-what’s going on?” Leo stuttered as the crowds of pink and green Pokemon parted to reveal a small spherical blue Pokemon with two large tuffs of cotton on its arms and one on its head.
The blue Pokemon spoke, its booming, bossy voice totally unfitting of its small form.
“So, you all are the intruders that have got my soldiers running around like the idiots they are? State your names and what business you have inside my dungeon. Now.”

“We’re Team Salient; we accepted a job to rescue this Pidgeotto,” Kelly said, beating Icarus’s string of curses, and Jay’s own response.

“A rescue team, are you? Well normally I wouldn’t have too much of a problem with that, but the Pokemon you’re rescuing is my prisoner. I can’t have him going to the king about my little smuggling operation in this dungeon,” The boss Pokemon told them while Icarus grunted in disgust.

“Prisoner? Ha! If my wing wasn’t broken, I’d kill you right now, Jumpluff!” the injured bird shouted as Jumpluff chuckled, an action Leo would have found slightly adorable if the Pokemon didn’t hold their lives in his evil, cottony hands.

“Shut up, Pidgeotto. I can’t help but be impressed that you actually managed to send out a distress message, but that now leaves us with the matter of what to do with your rescuers. I obviously can’t have them going off and telling their Guildmaster about my operation here, it’s just not good business,” The dungeon boss explained as he pondered the situation.

“But we’re not part of a-” Jay started before Jumpluff cut him off.

“Unfortunately, I don’t know whether I can trust you all to keep your traps shut. I’ve found that the best solution to a problem is usually the easiest, and killing you all seems pretty easy right about now,” Jumpluff said.

“Wait, we’re not part of any guild-thing! We won’t tell anyone about whatever you have here!” Leo shouted in vain to the boss.

“Gas them. Make sure they never get the chance to tell anyone all we’ve done,” Jumpluff ordered as he backed away behind his minions, who chattered with glee at the prospect of a something new to murder.

Backing up against the dungeon wall, Leo knew they only had a few seconds to act before the hoard of Pokemon unleashed their seed attack. Jay quickly gathered them together.
“Alright, Kelly, keep trying to get the badge to work and guard Icarus. Hopefully we’ll get lucky with it. Leo, you and I will hold them off until something happens. And Icarus?”

The bird Pokemon sat up hearing his name, “What?”

“Just shut up. You’re the reason we’re here in the first place,” Jay quickly listed as the Hoppip and Skiploom mob suddenly screeched in a single, horrid voice.

Wait, hold them off? With what exactly?
“Jay, what are you talking-” was all Leo got to say before the mass of enemy Pokemon launched glowing seed-like projectiles into the air. Leo stared with his mouth hanging open as the simultaneous attacks arced in the sky and fell through the sky like bombs from overhead.

Leo barely had time to snap out of his trance and raise his arms over his head when the glowing seeds hit like a storm of hail. The seeds exploded with their many small clouds of poison spores merging into one giant cloud of thick purplish gas that instantly diffused throughout the entire dungeon area.

His eyes watering, Leo struggled to breathe as he stumbled around the gas covered clearing, tripping more than once into a band of charging Hoppip.
Trying to remain focused as the amount of breathable air diminished; Leo clumsily slashed his claws at the Pokemon, who screeched in pain when he successfully landed a hit.
The other Hoppip panicked and either shot off small rapid bursts of seeds at their own comrades or simply crashed into each other.
If there was any advantage Team Salient had in this fight it was that their enemy, though barbarically brutal, were definitely among the more idiotic Pokemon in the land. They were a fairly effective force when calm, but if startled they broke down faster than the countless attempts at peace between the Kingdom and the Colonies.

Through the chaos of nauseating gas, stray Hoppip and Skiploom, and the occasional rapid burst of seeds cutting through the gas, Leo saw the shape of Jay with one of his fists glowing bright; punch one of the Hoppip in its pink body.
The creature went crashing into the dirt. The Riolu turned to do the same thing to a Skiploom when it fired several seeds that landed at his feet, detonating with a sudden plume of gas.

Jay stumbled backwards, until he was face to face with an overwhelmed Leo.
“Why aren’t you fighting? A Flamethrower would be really useful right about now!” he said, gasping with nearly every other word.

“I-I have no idea what you’re talking about! What flamethrower?” Leo said before going into a gas induced coughing fit.
Jay’s adrenaline fueled battle ready expression changed to one of disbelief.
“What flamethrower?! Your attack moves! What else do you think I’m talking about?!” he yelled as a strong gust of wind brushed past us.
It seemed Icarus wasn’t content to lay low this battle, and was using his undamaged wing to blow some of the foul gas away temporarily before stopping from the pain it caused him.

Leo took a few precious seconds to breathe the unpolluted air, “I don’t remember how to do any attacks!” he countered as they moved to dodge a Hoppip’s barrage of high speed seeds.
Just as Jay was about to speak, he and Leo were forced to duck to avoid a sudden bolt of lightning that shot inches of their heads.
The attack shot directly into a group of Skiploom, causing them to screech in pain, and their leaf green skin to blacken as their smoking unconscious forms crashed to the ground.
Leo took a quick look behind him to see where exactly a bolt of lightning had come from. He saw Icarus breathing hard from his position on the ground, directing more of his Gust attacks at the surrounding gas cloud, he also saw the dozens of scattered Skiploom and Hoppip, but they weren’t the source of the attack.

Than he saw Kelly still guarding the collapsed Icarus and trying to activate the badge. She was wobbling with exhaustion and her spiky, yellow and white fur still cackling with electricity from the lightning bolt she had generated and launched.

She did that? “Wow,” Leo said in awe his teammate’s power.

His thoughts of admiration were interrupted when Jay punched him in the arm.
“Leo, what do you mean that you can’t remember any attacks?” he asked as the cloud of poison slowly enveloped them again.

“I just don’t remember how.” Leo explained as he gulped one last breath of clean air before the haze returned.

Jay wasn’t convinced. “No matter how bad your amnesia happens to be, you don’t forget instincts! That's why they're called instincts!” he yelled through the fumes as a Skiploom crashed between them.

The sentient weed spit a volley of seeds at the two arguing Pokemon. The seeds pelted Leo, bursting on impact into even more clouds of the poison to appear and sting his lungs with every breath. The attack knocked Leo off his feet; he landed hard on the ground where he watched as Jay quickly raised his fist, somehow glowing with energy again, and punched the attacking Pokemon away.

Jay moved to where Leo had fallen and offered the Charmeleon a paw. His mind dizzy from the gas and fatigue, Leo slowly grasped his clawed hand around Jay’s.

Once he was standing, he turned to tell Jay thanks, but as soon as he did he was assaulted by another wave of gas. He couldn’t take much more; whatever was in this gas obviously wasn’t for his benefit health-wise.
Suddenly there was a large flash of light to his right; he turned to see that where Icarus had been was now absolutely nothing. Their client had simply vanished into thin air.
He looked around for Kelly, but she was nowhere to be found among the clearing.

His vision starting to blacken around the edges; he turned to his side where Jay had been a moment ago, but instead found an enraged Skiploom charging at him full speed through the air. Jay was gone too.
He tried to move out of the way, but his everything he did seemed to be stuck in slow motion as the green Pokemon barreled into him.
Leo crashed to the ground clutching his side in pain as the Skiploom screeched in triumph. He tried to breathe, but by then the air had effectively stopped being even remotely breathable.

In his agony Leo looked up at the crowd of Pokemon that had surrounded him. Jumpluff appeared above him charging some sort of green sphere of energy to finish him off.

“Don’t take it personally, it’s just good business,” He sneered, as the attack was almost completely charged and definitely lethal.

He weakly closed his eyes as he waited the inevitable pain that was to come. It’s probably better than dying from this gas his mind told him as some sort of depressing silver lining to this situation.
In his fading mental state he wondered where had the others gone, if they had been killed by the heartless crime boss or had simply abandoned him while they fled to safety.
Both thoughts made him boil with anger, the weak flicker of fire on his tail suddenly ignited as if it was doused in gasoline.
He felt like some last reserve of energy had been found: his mind cleared, the pain from his wounds numbed, and his lungs ignored the searing pain they felt with every quick, adrenaline-fueled breath he took.

Not wanting to die just yet, Leo pushed off the ground and quickly rolled to the side as Jumpluff launched his Energy Ball attack into the spot of dungeon floor where he just had been a half-second before.

Before the boss’s army could converge on the Charmeleon, he leapt up and tackled the stunned crime leader. The wayward rescue team member and the dungeon boss both crashed to the ground as Leo swung his claws at the every inch of the pinned Jumpluff’s face he could reach, leaving large cuts under both of the Pokemon’s small, beady, red eyes.

More of the gas seed attacks were pelting him from all around, bursting into clouds of purple, yellow, and grey gas that mixed with the already saturated air.
Leo stopped his slashing frenzy for an instant to deliver a swipe to a Hoppip who’d gotten too close. In this split second, the pinned boss charged up a small Energy Ball attack at Leo.
“Dasvidaniya, Charmeleon!”
Leo squeezed his eyes shut as he braced once again for the possible end of his existence.

Whether or not the lethal point blank attack actually impacted, Leo didn’t know as all he felt was something pulling quickly him through a wall of extremely cold water and suddenly he was standing on a hard stone floor inside of a civilized building.

Not even trying to understanding what sort of miracle had just occurred, his legs gave out from under him as the small reserve of energy had burnt itself out.
He tried to laugh realizing he was safe-and partly from exhaustion, but instead coughed out a small cloud of purple gas from his burning lungs.

As he closed his eyes from sheer fatigue, he heard the jabber of faint, frantic voices that grew louder with every passing second.

“…I found him! Get someone! Hurry!” Leo heard Jay shout as the trample of footsteps grew closer and as he found himself passing out-once again- for the fourth time since he arrived in this world.

End Chapter Three


Author’s Notes:
Wow, what a long chapter, in my opinion at least. Didn't intend for it to be over a post long, sorry.
I’m very sorry about the long wait between chapters, but since I’m on summer break now the chapters should be arriving a bit more frequently.
The beginning part of the chapter seemed a little choppy and not as well written as some of the things I have written before. I’m just not as happy with the first part as I am with the other half.
In speaking of the second half, I found the inspiration for Leo being left behind when I noticed that in the PMD games when a mission is completed the client always leaves first, than the leader than the second team member than the third and than fourth. I took that a step further with a delay between the time when Jay left the dungeon and the time when Leo left the dungeon.
(And I’ll give a cookie to who ever can figure out the code at the top of the chapter, and it DOES actually convert to words)

Moving on, the character of Raiss the Ninetales belongs to my friend, Azurus, as does the name Oresville.
Thank you to everyone who reads this for putting up with my numerous delays in between chapters, I hope to continue writing quality chapters for you to enjoy.

As usual, reviews are much appreciated as is constructive criticism.
And I started a PM list, so anyone who want to be on it, just say so.

In other news, I’ll be going away for around two and a half weeks on vacation in a few days, so I won’t be working as much on this as I’d like, but I promise to have a new chapter up soon after I get back

Thanks again,

Knightfall signing off…;005;

Azurus
13th June 2012, 7:47 PM
First off, some mistakes.

One of the books has the word Physic when it's refering to Psychic.

Jay when* on, "well, after a few days....
*Should be went.
"It's not like we * enough problems to worry about, anyways"
*there should be the word "have" here

"The one time we actually succeed in a mission, can* we can't get out?" I think *can is unneccessary.

Now to my reply,
This chapter was fantastic, I don't know what much else to say other than the humor and action were really good and... I can't formulate a proper response, so I'll mention a few things.
Ironicn that the blast seed book caught fire, I'm also surprised nothing else did, I thought for sure the book would have been noticed missing anyway.

3000 gold poke for a key, well since it sells for so much it can't be that important since "Key" items are always too valuable to sell. Dohohoho- *shot

The magnemite was also a nice touch, no matter how they act it always seems rude, even sincerity has what feels to be mockery in it.

I thought for sure Leo would have used a fire attack when "Blaze" kicked in, good thing he got back safely tho. I imagine he going to get a stern talking too and probably more questions as to his origins next chapter.

Raiss, being worth 5500 gold poke... I like it but a comment in passing about that reward size would have been made more amazing since she is obviously like 6875× more of a threat than the previously mentioned outlaw, who was worth only 80 bronze, what could she have possibly done to deserve that bounty?

I really enjoyed this chapter and I hope you enjoy your vacation.

Azurus
13th June 2012, 7:57 PM
*Translation*

Republic Capital Prison

Date REDACTED (REDEACTED?)

Time 8:35A.M.

Prisoner #037

Name : David M. Radic

Occupation: Ex-President

Crimes : High Treason

Current Status: To Be Executed

Comments: [REDACTED]

*End Translation*

Chapter 0.5 translation
*Translation*

1st line of binary, Exile, it takes your mind...again
2nd line of binary, Exile
3rd line of binary, It takes your mind
4th line of binary, again...
5th line of binary, You got suckers luck
6th line of binary, Have you given up?
7th line of binary, Does it feel like a trial?
8th line of binary, Does it trouble your mind,
9th line of binary, the way you trouble mine?
10th line of binary, Oh you meant so much
11th line of binary, Have you given up?
12th line of binary, Are you just thinking too fast,
13th line of binary, you're like marbles on glass?
14th line of binary, vilify....
15th line of binary, Don't even try...Vilify
16th line of binary, Don't even try
17th line of binary, You got suckers luck
18th line of binary, Have you given up?
19th line of binary, Does it feel like a trial?
20th line of binary, Does it trouble you (your?) mind the way you trouble mine?
21st line of binary, Did you fall for the same empty answers again?

*End Translation*

muchmula
13th June 2012, 11:16 PM
Dang! That chapter was so AWESOME that I'm about to explode if I dont get another right now! But seriously, keep writing this and DONT STOP!!!!!

Kinda risky trying to make a war between people and Pokemon, but I think you'll be able to pull it off!

Rating: 9/10

Knightfall
14th June 2012, 4:26 AM
Now to my reply,
This chapter was fantastic, I don't know what much else to say other than the humor and action were really good and... I can't formulate a proper response, so I'll mention a few things.
Ironicn that the blast seed book caught fire, I'm also surprised nothing else did, I thought for sure the book would have been noticed missing anyway.

All mistakes have been fixed.

Thanks, I try to make the chapters entertaining while advancing the plot at the same time.
As for the book fire, it would have been more ironic if it was Magmortar;s guide to making everything combustable that caught fire.
I guess Leo woke up about a couple seconds after it caught, enough time for the fire to burn through the first book, but not enough time to spread. And it was an unused room, so Jay and Kelly didn't have too much reason to go in there and actually notice that the book is missing.



3000 gold poke for a key, well since it sells for so much it can't be that important since "Key" items are always too valuable to sell. Dohohoho- *shot

Aleck offered 3,000 gold poke because it was unique and unknown to Jay or Leo, well maybe not Jay, but he could have easily doubled his money if he resold it on the black market.



The magnemite was also a nice touch, no matter how they act it always seems rude, even sincerity has what feels to be mockery in it.

I like writing the guards as well, they're more comic relief if anything else.
And even though they hate everyone, they seem to have it out for Leo.



I thought for sure Leo would have used a fire attack when "Blaze" kicked in, good thing he got back safely tho. I imagine he going to get a stern talking too and probably more questions as to his origins next chapter.

I figured the ability would activate if his life was in danger/seriously injured, the ability is basically a super adrenaline thing that kicks in and numbs everything and gives him enough strength to survive, though it is extremely taxing on his body, so that's partly why he passed out afterwards. There will be questions for sure, but as for a stern talking to, not for Leo.
If wasn't his fault that he his escape from the Meadow was delayed a good minute or so, that'll be explained more in the next chapter.



Raiss, being worth 5500 gold poke... I like it but a comment in passing about that reward size would have been made more amazing since she is obviously like 6875× more of a threat than the previously mentioned outlaw, who was worth only 80 bronze, what could she have possibly done to deserve that bounty?

She's your character my friend, you decide what she did to deserve such a bounty. ;)



I really enjoyed this chapter and I hope you enjoy your vacation.

I certainly plan to, thanks.


*Translation*

Republic Capital Prison

Date REDACTED (REDEACTED?)

Time 8:35A.M.

Prisoner #037

Name : David M. Radic

Occupation: Ex-President

Crimes : High Treason

Current Status: To Be Executed

Comments: [REDACTED]

*End Translation*

Chapter 0.5 translation
*Translation*

1st line of binary, Exile, it takes your mind...again
2nd line of binary, Exile
3rd line of binary, It takes your mind
4th line of binary, again...
5th line of binary, You got suckers luck
6th line of binary, Have you given up?
7th line of binary, Does it feel like a trial?
8th line of binary, Does it trouble your mind,
9th line of binary, the way you trouble mine?
10th line of binary, Oh you meant so much
11th line of binary, Have you given up?
12th line of binary, Are you just thinking too fast,
13th line of binary, you're like marbles on glass?
14th line of binary, vilify....
15th line of binary, Don't even try...Vilify
16th line of binary, Don't even try
17th line of binary, You got suckers luck
18th line of binary, Have you given up?
19th line of binary, Does it feel like a trial?
20th line of binary, Does it trouble you (your?) mind the way you trouble mine?
21st line of binary, Did you fall for the same empty answers again?

*End Translation*

You got them both right, and I'm surprised no one got the binary code from the first chapter before.


Dang! That chapter was so AWESOME that I'm about to explode if I dont get another right now! But seriously, keep writing this and DONT STOP!!!!!

Kinda risky trying to make a war between people and Pokemon, but I think you'll be able to pull it off!

Rating: 9/10

Thanks, it's always good to have a new reader. Don't worry, I have no plans to stop writing this anytime soon, and the next chapter will be up as soon as possible. Unfortunately that won't be until after my vacation, so sorry about that.
And as for the war between humans and Pokemon...that isn't going to happen in this story, but I'm glad you think I'd be able to pull it off.

Thank you both for your reviews, it helps me out alot.
And other readers, feel free to leave a comment or reply about what you think of the fic so far, I always appericate anything said by my readers.

And as I said before, I will be on vacation for about three weeks starting in a few days, so I'll try to write, but I won't be online as much.

Knightfall, signing off...;005;

pokenutter
14th June 2012, 6:24 AM
Alright, then. So, with this chapter, we're having a look at the economy for this world, as well as what happened to trigger the police state that was hinted at during the last chapter. I'm beginning to get a grasp on the characters.

One of the things that stands out in this chapter is that you give the sense that these characters are in a functioning world- it doesn't merely exist as a result of the main character being there. A few examples are the tone in Jay's voice when he tells Leo about Luminous Orb shards, or how he casually mentions Vigoroth in reference to Leo's screaming at the top of his lungs. The sun doesn't rise and set on the main characters, and the world of the story is stronger for it.

Overall, a very interesting chapter. I can't wait for Chapter 4!

Knightfall
14th June 2012, 1:55 PM
Alright, then. So, with this chapter, we're having a look at the economy for this world, as well as what happened to trigger the police state that was hinted at during the last chapter. I'm beginning to get a grasp on the characters.

That's one of the points I wanted to get across when writing this: what the world is like, how things work.



One of the things that stands out in this chapter is that you give the sense that these characters are in a functioning world- it doesn't merely exist as a result of the main character being there. A few examples are the tone in Jay's voice when he tells Leo about Luminous Orb shards, or how he casually mentions Vigoroth in reference to Leo's screaming at the top of his lungs. The sun doesn't rise and set on the main characters, and the world of the story is stronger for it.

Percisely, the world doesn't revolve around the main characters, they only exist in it. Needless to say the world isn't altogether "functioning" as properly as it would seem....but that's for future chapters.



Overall, a very interesting chapter. I can't wait for Chapter 4!

Thanks, I'm going to try to write while on vacation so I can get the next chapter up sooner, but it'll still be a while until then.

Thank you for reviewing, and to all other silent readers: I want to know your thoughts on the fic and what you think could be better.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

muchmula
15th June 2012, 2:36 AM
“Humans are beings that we have little information on other than that they are the focal point of several popular legends. The most commonly known of these ancient stories is “The Legend of the Great War” in which the human nations begin a fierce war between themselves and Pokemon. The legend has been corrupted by generations of retelling so it is not entirely clear on why the war was started in the first place; however most versions have that the human nations were eventually defeated by the Dragon Trinity who banished them as eternal punishment.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


By "the war not happening in this story", do you mean that this war will be completely removed from the story or just not explained?

Also, do you mind me putting a link to your fic in my sig?

Knightfall
15th June 2012, 5:38 AM
I see, that legend will be further explained in later chapters. And as for the link, you can copy the URL and use the edit bar to make it a link and put it in your sig.
Look in the Q&A section for help putting the link in your sig. I can't help more since I'm on my phone.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Brutaka
27th June 2012, 2:54 AM
Wow Knightfall. This story is pretty darn epic. Your writing style is unlike any other I've ever read, and it contrasts severely(in a good way) to my own. The way they lines are organized, the way Leo thinks, its quite amazing actually. Errors are common place, but they aren't severe enough to harm the story. The chapters are quite long, which help the fact that they seem to be a bit slower to release than some(and mine of course, but you know that). The prologue was amazing, the computer speech was awesome, and the binary written there was near perfect, if that. All in all, amazing! I wish I had more time to read this.

Oh, and I'm going to start Chapter 3 tonight, but I don't think I'll finish, and I wont be around tomorrow sadly. So Chapter Three of my story shall be released on Thursday if I don't finish it tonight.

Knightfall
27th June 2012, 4:40 AM
Thank you so much, I love hearing from readers, especially from a fellow author.
I've been working hard to lessen the time between chapter updates, while at the same time fixing the errors I still have.

I hope you continue to have the fire with writing your chapters.
God, I wish I had more time to write...
I hope you find the time to give my story a complete read.

As for an update on chapter four, I'm still on vacation, but I have most of chapter four and five planned out, so hopefully they'll be faster to write.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sid87
8th July 2012, 12:36 PM
Hey, time to get this started! I intend on basically just doing a summary review of each chapter so far since I'm in catch-up mode, but we'll see how in-depth or not I get as I go. :)


imputing the necessary codes needed to cheat death.

Should that be "inputting"? I googled "impute", and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with data entry. But maybe I'm missing a definition.


He looked up from his work and looked out of a conveniently placed window in the rock wall to peer into the chamber below.

Don't say that word twice there. Just "he looked up and out a..." would work.


He looked up from his work and looked out of a conveniently placed window in the rock wall to peer into the chamber below.
Another slightly older balding scientist was dashing about the inner perimeter of the concrete walled chamber.
He was connecting the last few wires that were chaotically laced from the ebbing power supply to a strange metal ring embedded in the wall that made it seem like a tunnel; a tunnel full of live high-voltage energy conductors and spinning metal gears that is.

I don't quite get why some of the paragraphs are like this. They are separated by a new line, but they aren't double-spaced. And this all seems like it should have been one paragraph to begin with. Why the separation after each sentence? It happens several times throughout the piece. Also, the bold part...that should be "Another scientist, this one slightly older and balding, was dashing..." because, otherwise, it implies both scientists are slightly older and balding. :)


The lab light fixtures mounted on the walls and ceiling where forced from the brilliance of an artificial sun down to a dull orange due to lack of power

Should be "were".


“It’s true that we were given orders to watch over the boy, but we also have contingency orders that say that in case of a catastrophic situation-and this is one- the complete evacuation of company personal and important data is to be given first priority over the welfare of others,”
He paused to see if the man he was talking to in the upper deck was paying attention, he was barely.

The comma at the end of the dialogue (after "others") should be a period since "He paused" is not a description of dialogue (like He said or He yelled or some such would be). The comma after "attention" should be a semi-colon since you don't have a conjunction and "he was barely" is a separate, independent thought.


He wearing a light blue T-shirt with a single circular hole torn through the center of it in the lower right torso; a dried dark red stain blossomed from around the tear in the fabric.

You left out your linking verb. "He *WAS* wearing..."


Doug thought inwardly, they were the true traitors, not them.

There are two different "they" involved there. I don't know who either are, but besides that, it's hard to read.


“I’m not going to stand aside and let him die like the others. I have the ability to ensure his survival, but if we leave then we seal his fate. Please Henry, I need your help, we don’t have much time left.” Doug said as he continued typing.

Ah, now that period after "left" SHOULD have been a comma since "Doug said" is a dialogue descriptor.


“Henry, we’re working on a time limit. A very explosive time limit I might add.” Doug chided the man,

"Chided" is like "said", so that period should be a comma, as well.


“Yes, everything is connected to the best of my ability. I even managed to patch it into the room’s emergency reserve power grid, are you happy now? Can we please just go through with your scheme and then get out of here?” Henry promised himself right then and there that he would see the surface world again before he died.

I like the end there, but it makes me want more. Even if Henry is just a one-off character for this scene (and he may or may not be), I want to know what he wants to see about the surface world. Does he have a family? A pet (or a pokemon, as it were)? Regrets about things left undone or never started? It would add some teeth if he told me why he made that promise.

-Now the computer screen images...that's very creative, and a lot of fun to see. I didn't look too closely at it to inspect it for thoroughness or anything, but it is a good idea, and it draws the eyes to it. It adds a sense of something different to the story. Is it necessary for the story? Or even here? Maybe or maybe not (there may be some foreshadowing in there), but it's fun. It also looks very realistic and authentic, so good job there!


“Doug, I was here when they first created that machine. I had to modify the personal files so they wouldn’t show all the test subjects that were disintegrated by the energy blasts. I can personally tell you that whoever enters that machine will die.” Doug continued typing oblivious to Henry’s protests.

[Encoding Complete/ 4536277728830WWEDSCSD
01001000011000010111011001100101001000000111100101 10111101110101001000000110011101101001011101100110 01010110111000100000011101010111000000111111

“Why do you think it will work when so many others have failed?”
Henry scolded the man on the computer, oblivious to Henry’s commentary.

That...is odd. You have Doug talking (I think), but he seems to be talking to Doug (that COULD be Henry speaking in the first dialogue there, but I'm not sure. If it is Doug speaking, the period after "die" should be a comma. If it is Henry speaking, it is correct. But I'm not sure since you've had trouble with that comma/period usage to this point). Then in the second dialogue, you have Henry oblivious to his own commentary. How could that be? :p


“Commencing R.I Experiment Number: 501/D.T.T/325. In Case The Energy Emissions Accidentally Causes An Explosion, Or Somehow Rips A Inter-Dimensional Rift In The Fabric Of Space Itself: Please Evacuate Testing And Observation Chambers And Hope For The Best. If You Are Unable To Evacuate Due To A Structural Malfunction Or Other Reactor Meltdown Related Cause: Do Not Panic, Pray To Your Desired Deity For Salvation, And Calmly Accept Your Impending Doom.” The system warned one final time as the metal tunnel sparked with electricity and its many inner gears and components activated.

Okay, THAT was pretty funny. I chuckled.


Memories of running, of pain, of a voice of someone important to him, but unable to remember who, of a key, of shouts and unfamiliar voices, of fear, of loud sounds and rumbling, of a circle of bright light followed by fire, and a phrase whispered from far away through all the chaos:

“Good luck”.

Good ending, too. Very touching, in a way.

-Okay, so...whew. There were a lot of errors. Grammar errors, typo errors, word choice errors, and that whole weird thing with the paragraphs being kinda-separated/kinda-not-separated. But that's okay since you are only 15 (I checked your Author Profile before starting the story). For being 15, it's actually not bad at all. The computer stuff was realistic and funny, the scientists weren't bad characters, but they could have been fleshed out a little more. But, like I said, a lot of errors. But, again, not a huge issue because that's how you learn! What I would recommend is asking for a Beta Reader...someone that you send your story to before posting it so that they could proofread it, fix the errors, and send it back to you. There used to be a whole thread dedicated to it in the Author's Cafe, but I just looked for it, and I did not find it. Since I can't, I would say you should post a new topic saying that you'd like a beta reader to help you with language/grammar, and hopefully someone will reply and offer to help (or at least direct you to the Beta Reader topic so you can find someone who has already signed up as a Beta Reader for language or grammar mentor).

EDIT: Nevermind I found the original topics. They had fallen to page 2. Here is the link:

http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?574523-The-Beta-House

Hope that helps. I'd offer to do it for you, but I really don't have a ton of time. Maybe if you can't find anyone at the Beta House I'll see what I can do, but at least start there.


EDIT 2:

Chapter 1 review:

The first thing I notice is that the whacky quasi-paragraph separation thing is still going on. Hopefully when you get on you can let me know why that is. It's weird. :)


The irritating light caused his eyes to finally flicker to life followed by a strained groan.
As his eyes slowly opened he instantly wished he hadn’t, his head was spinning like a raging tornado.

In the first sentence, I would rephrase the end, as it doesn't quite read right. "...to life, and he then let out a strained groan". In the second sentence, the comma should be a semi-colon. Two independent thoughts with no conjunction separating them.


Despite the throbbing pain in his head the overall pain in his body had lessened enough for him to attempt sitting up.

Comma needed after "in his head".


Even with his distorted vision he knew that his arm was not supposed to be colored red.
His left arm wasn’t supposed to be either for that matter.

That line read humorously to me. It might be a bit redundant (the part about the left arm), but it has a sort of incredulous humorousness.


He raised his right arm, the creature in the glass mirrored it.
He did the same with his other arm and both of his legs. Same results, every time.

Again, I like the disbelief he is experiencing. Very realistic. Nice touch.


A live flame? He started to panic, “I’m on fire!”

He let out a startled yell as he immediately grabbed the appendage and then stomped on it as hard as he could to put it out.

It took only a fraction of a second for the pain to nearly push him into unconsciousness again.
His agonized screams echoed throughout the deserted field for miles.

I do not usually read PokeMorph fiction, but I've seen a few, and I generally find them to be poorly written. Usually the main character wakes up, sees one clue of what they are, and has a stereotypical "OH GNOES, I AM A POKEYMON!" reaction. I like that the protagonist here does not understand what has happened to him, and he is, appropriately, freaking the hell out. It's a very well-done reaction on your part. Kudos!


As soon as the debilitating reaction from his new tail-he shuddered at the fact that it was now “his”- he held one hand…um…claw to his head.

You used hyphens there where dashes go. It seems silly that there is a difference, but there is. A dash is two hyphens together. So if you want to separate a thought--like this one--use two hyphens. :)


He started pacing, “Let’s see, what do I remember? That’s a good place to start.”

Another lesson on dialogue tags: "pacing" does not describe speech, so you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue. Just a period. It would be a comma if you wrote "He started saying," or something that describes actual speech.


he couldn’t even tell if the fragmented memories he had were real or an illusion fabricated in whatever trauma had happened a few hours before.

"from" would work better than "in".


Yes, his mind was able to recover some information, but as decreed by the innumerable laws of the universe, the scraps of memories grew increasingly useless.

The part I bolded is a bit unnecessarily flowery. I'd just scrap it and leave the sentence more basic.


“My name is…Leo” He sighed in relief, he now had something to work with.

“Leo” He said again, the name- along with everything else- was foreign to him, but it seemed right. It fit nicely.

Back to the tags. You need commas after Leo (in both lines), and, thus, the subsequent "He"s should be lowercase.


Leo suddenly became aware that he hadn’t eaten in recent memory.

Considering he has no memory, that should be "he must not have eaten in recent memory". Maybe even just "he must not have eaten recently".


Normally, when one finds themselves in a strange place, in a strange body, hungry, lost, and no idea of how they got to be that way, they do one of two things.

You actually don't need the comma after "Normally" (but it's not wrong, either. It's an odd optional situation where either is right, but since this sentence has so many, I'd forgo that one). And it should read "strange place, strange body, hungry, lost, and *WITH* no idea..." because if you remove the other conditions, you wouldn't say "when one finds themselves no idea of how they got to be...".


The paths lead him down several random turns and forced him to backtrack when the track suddenly ended.

Something about this I didn't love. Maybe the word "track" being used twice so closely. Maybe the grammar boo-boo (there are multiple "paths", but only one "track"). I would change the end to "...and forced him to turn back when each one suddenly ended".


Nothing moved aside from the gently swaying plants, even the position of the sun and clouds hadn’t changed since he started out hours ago.
No birds chirped, no insects buzzed, this lush field was utterly abandoned.

Well now...that's curious, and it piqued the heck out of my interest. What the heck is going on there?


He would have attributed the longevity of the hike due to him going in circles,

This is a mistakes EVERYONE makes. The "him" there should actually be "his". The noun there is "going" (believe it or not) since it is a gerund, and "his" describes the "going".


His fifth second wind was just about used up, when he saw it.

No comma needed there.

-I am happy that Doug survived. I was curious about the scientists and what they are/were really up to. It seems we'll get better answers this way with them being alive. And, like I said, I like the slow burn of the reveal here better than I have liked any other such scene in a pokemorph fiction I've read before. But, yeah, there are still a lot of grammatical issues, but I already advised you on that, so no worries. Some grammar rules are absolute pains in the butt and don't, at first glance, seem to make a lot of sense (like the gerund one).

Knightfall
9th July 2012, 3:50 PM
Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, I was in a cramped car for the majority of the last few days.
Let's get started.



Should that be "inputting"? I googled "impute", and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with data entry. But maybe I'm missing a definition.

Don't say that word twice there. Just "he looked up and out a..." would work.

I don't quite get why some of the paragraphs are like this. They are separated by a new line, but they aren't double-spaced. And this all seems like it should have been one paragraph to begin with. Why the separation after each sentence? It happens several times throughout the piece. Also, the bold part...that should be "Another scientist, this one slightly older and balding, was dashing..." because, otherwise, it implies both scientists are slightly older and balding. :)

Should be "were".

The comma at the end of the dialogue (after "others") should be a period since "He paused" is not a description of dialogue (like He said or He yelled or some such would be). The comma after "attention" should be a semi-colon since you don't have a conjunction and "he was barely" is a separate, independent thought.


You left out your linking verb. "He *WAS* wearing..."


There are two different "they" involved there. I don't know who either are, but besides that, it's hard to read.

Ah, now that period after "left" SHOULD have been a comma since "Doug said" is a dialogue descriptor.

"Chided" is like "said", so that period should be a comma, as well.


All fixed, I think.
Yeah, the prologue was not one of my best works. But the weird formating is slowly going away with each chapter. Hopefully I'll be rid of it soon.

And all the gramatical errors, not the greatest in that department either, but I'm slowly getting better at it.



I like the end there, but it makes me want more. Even if Henry is just a one-off character for this scene (and he may or may not be), I want to know what he wants to see about the surface world. Does he have a family? A pet (or a pokemon, as it were)? Regrets about things left undone or never started? It would add some teeth if he told me why he made that promise.

-Now the computer screen images...that's very creative, and a lot of fun to see. I didn't look too closely at it to inspect it for thoroughness or anything, but it is a good idea, and it draws the eyes to it. It adds a sense of something different to the story. Is it necessary for the story? Or even here? Maybe or maybe not (there may be some foreshadowing in there), but it's fun. It also looks very realistic and authentic, so good job there!


I wanted readers to remember Henry and Doug, so I tried to write their actions, thoughts, and dialogue so that they would. It seems I was successful.

And the computer screen images, I'm glad they were interesting. I wasn't sure they would be receved, but I'm glad they went over well.

Here's the thing, they are nesscessary to that chapter, even if only I know why. It was also an excuse to slip in some song lyrics within the binary code. The song they are to is in my sig.



That...is odd. You have Doug talking (I think), but he seems to be talking to Doug (that COULD be Henry speaking in the first dialogue there, but I'm not sure. If it is Doug speaking, the period after "die" should be a comma. If it is Henry speaking, it is correct. But I'm not sure since you've had trouble with that comma/period usage to this point). Then in the second dialogue, you have Henry oblivious to his own commentary. How could that be? :p


It is Henry speaking. He is talking to Doug, who is ignoring him at the moment. Though with all the errors you pointed out, I'm not surprised you flagged it.



Okay, THAT was pretty funny. I chuckled.


I laughed writing it. Who says computers can't have a sense of humor?



Good ending, too. Very touching, in a way.

-Okay, so...whew. There were a lot of errors. Grammar errors, typo errors, word choice errors, and that whole weird thing with the paragraphs being kinda-separated/kinda-not-separated. But that's okay since you are only 15 (I checked your Author Profile before starting the story). For being 15, it's actually not bad at all. The computer stuff was realistic and funny, the scientists weren't bad characters, but they could have been fleshed out a little more. But, like I said, a lot of errors. But, again, not a huge issue because that's how you learn! What I would recommend is asking for a Beta Reader...someone that you send your story to before posting it so that they could proofread it, fix the errors, and send it back to you. There used to be a whole thread dedicated to it in the Author's Cafe, but I just looked for it, and I did not find it. Since I can't, I would say you should post a new topic saying that you'd like a beta reader to help you with language/grammar, and hopefully someone will reply and offer to help (or at least direct you to the Beta Reader topic so you can find someone who has already signed up as a Beta Reader for language or grammar mentor).


I thought it was, as well.

Yeah, there were lots of errors....and I thought this was written well when I first posted it.
I have never even attempted to write something like this before. The only other thing that comes close is an essay for school that was a couple pages in length.
I was inspired to write this, and when it got time to post it, I knew there'd be errors I missed. I meant what I said before: I want people to give constructive advice, and point out what needs to be fixed.
I want to learn how to be a better author, and reviews like these help out a lot.


Anyways, I have heard of that thread, and I will seriously consider applying for a grammar beta reader. With all the things you pointed out, I thing there's enough reason for me to get one.



Chapter 1 review:

The first thing I notice is that the whacky quasi-paragraph separation thing is still going on. Hopefully when you get on you can let me know why that is. It's weird. :)


I honestly don't know why myself, to be honest. I'm trying to get rid of that habit, I really am.
And it IS weird, now that I see it.



In the first sentence, I would rephrase the end, as it doesn't quite read right. "...to life, and he then let out a strained groan". In the second sentence, the comma should be a semi-colon. Two independent thoughts with no conjunction separating them.

Comma needed after "in his head".


They have been fixed, I did some editing yesterday.



That line read humorously to me. It might be a bit redundant (the part about the left arm), but it has a sort of incredulous humorousness.

Again, I like the disbelief he is experiencing. Very realistic. Nice touch.

I do not usually read PokeMorph fiction, but I've seen a few, and I generally find them to be poorly written. Usually the main character wakes up, sees one clue of what they are, and has a stereotypical "OH GNOES, I AM A POKEYMON!" reaction. I like that the protagonist here does not understand what has happened to him, and he is, appropriately, freaking the hell out. It's a very well-done reaction on your part. Kudos!


I tried to be realistic with his reaction to being transformed, and if you read on you'll see more of this.
And that stereotypical reaction is the very thing I wanted to avoid, and I think I did quite well on that (I mean, it's already been three chapters, and Leo still hasn't even come close to using a Pokemon move yet).



You used hyphens there where dashes go. It seems silly that there is a difference, but there is. A dash is two hyphens together. So if you want to separate a thought--like this one--use two hyphens. :)

Another lesson on dialogue tags: "pacing" does not describe speech, so you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue. Just a period. It would be a comma if you wrote "He started saying," or something that describes actual speech.

"from" would work better than "in".

The part I bolded is a bit unnecessarily flowery. I'd just scrap it and leave the sentence more basic.

Back to the tags. You need commas after Leo (in both lines), and, thus, the subsequent "He"s should be lowercase.

Considering he has no memory, that should be "he must not have eaten in recent memory". Maybe even just "he must not have eaten recently".

You actually don't need the comma after "Normally" (but it's not wrong, either. It's an odd optional situation where either is right, but since this sentence has so many, I'd forgo that one). And it should read "strange place, strange body, hungry, lost, and *WITH* no idea..." because if you remove the other conditions, you wouldn't say "when one finds themselves no idea of how they got to be...".

Something about this I didn't love. Maybe the word "track" being used twice so closely. Maybe the grammar boo-boo (there are multiple "paths", but only one "track"). I would change the end to "...and forced him to turn back when each one suddenly ended".


This has been edited, so hopefully now it reads better. Commas...they continue to haunt me....



Well now...that's curious, and it piqued the heck out of my interest. What the heck is going on there?


Exactly what I was going for. ;)



This is a mistakes EVERYONE makes. The "him" there should actually be "his". The noun there is "going" (believe it or not) since it is a gerund, and "his" describes the "going".

No comma needed there.


Fixed, and I have seen that used, but I never thought to write it like that.



-I am happy that Doug survived. I was curious about the scientists and what they are/were really up to. It seems we'll get better answers this way with them being alive. And, like I said, I like the slow burn of the reveal here better than I have liked any other such scene in a pokemorph fiction I've read before. But, yeah, there are still a lot of grammatical issues, but I already advised you on that, so no worries. Some grammar rules are absolute pains in the butt and don't, at first glance, seem to make a lot of sense (like the gerund one).

I debated putting that extra scene in there, but I thought that people needed to know he and Henry made it out in one piece.
And thanks, though I am going to try and pick up the pace of the chapters a little. I don't want to be writing this forever.

Yes, yes it is. Though I did all right in my English class, so I must be doing something right. :)
But yeah, I'll seriously pay more attention to those errors, and try to find a beta reader.

Thank you for the review, and I'll try to read some more of your fic and do a review of the first few chapters within the next few days.

As for an update, there isn't much to say. I just got back from a looong vacation, and I have to catch up on the countless things at home, so Chapter Four will be delayed somewhat.

But I WAS able to think up the scenes of the upcoming chapters, so once I get things back to normal, I should be able to write them fairly quickly.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Sid87
9th July 2012, 4:40 PM
Honestly, for your age, this is not bad at all. Yeah, there are grammar errors, but grammar is really confusing and takes a while to get a good grasp on. Like that, I just ended a sentence with a preposition; that's a no-no. :) But you seem completely willing and happy to work on the with which you've been struggling, and that goes a long way. You'll get there. The story itself is actually really good. ESPECIALLY for your age. Some basic character development stuff could be expanded upon (like when I said I wanted to see WHY the scientist wanted to get back to the surface so much), but it's still not bad at all. And...honest to goodness truth...you absolutely blow me away with your ability to pace a story. There's no way that I could pace a story this well at your age. Not even close. And that's a HUGE thing (I'm twice your age and have a Bachelor's degree in fiction writing, and pacing is probably the one area I struggle the most with, as I tend to rush through way too much stuff). So when you say things are going to "pick up" and that you don't want to be writing this forever? Man, don't worry...you're doing great on that front. Just keep doing what you're doing there.

I'll be getting into the last few chapters when I can. I think I still have, what, three left? Or two? Whichever, I'll get them done this week, I'm sure.

Sid87
12th July 2012, 3:45 PM
EDIT: I accidentally double-posted because I didn't realize I was the last person to reply to this 3 days ago.



Chapter 2!



He stood- well, it was more like observing from above, like a phantom. Anyways he watched from a short distance as a group of figures ran down a narrow metal catwalk inside some sort of darkened concrete building.

With the "Anyways" in there, that sounds pretty colloquial. You should keep your narrator in a more detached voice. That said, I like this intro so far. I like the careful guiding into the dream of the first few lines. Also, though, this is another dash that needs another hyphen to be a real dash. :)


He could see himself, as a human. His face was as he remembered it, but those of the other adults were unrecognizable.

Given that we've been told his memory is mostly gone, I'd not say he remembered his face. I'd change that to something like "Even without his memory, he somehow recognized the face as his own". Or something about deep down, he knew it was him.


He’s running- clarification- his human self was running. From what his other self was running from, he’s not entirely sure.

He WAS running, or it's a tense shift. And more dashes, but you've got that by now, I think. :)


He can hear the sounds of their shoes click on the metal catwalk as his human self followed the adult figures in front of him. Leo sees that his human self wants to catch his breath, but he knows he can’t; he has to keep up.

As to reaffirm his other self’s unknown reason for not stopping, Leo hears an explosion. The blast is muffled by the concrete walls of this building, but it doesn’t stop the acrid smell of smoke and burning furniture from reaching Leo’s phantom nose.

His human self runs even faster, propelled by fear.
Suddenly one of the figures in the front of the group opens a metal door, light pours in from the outside. Leo felt himself blink as the bright light made the dark hallway visible.

Lots of tense shifts here. It's in-and-out of present and past tenses. I can understand because it's easy to fall into that when doing dream sequences for some reason.


He doubled over as the sounds amplified themselves louder; he covered his ears with his claws in a vain attempt to block out the ear shattering noise.
Just as he thought his head was going to burst from the noise, he awoke with a start.

Other than the tense shifts, this was a very good opening. I'm liking the brief glimpses we've gotten as to what is happening/has happened out in the world. Very well-done.


His sharp teeth made short work the soft apple flesh; he tore through both of the fruits with lightening speed.

*lightning.


He tried to savor the juicy flavor as he attempted to jog his memory as to when he had last enjoyed them.

Worded a little awkwardly, as he's trying/attempting to do two things at once. I'd combine that bit. "He tried to both savor the juiciness and recall when he had last...".


However this made the two magnetic abominations burst into fits of what Leo could only assume was laughter. All he could hear was the sound of harsh static and metallic screeches coming from the two guards.

Good description, that. I can hear the Magnemites doing that in my head.


The voltage wasn’t enough to permanently harm him; the Magnemite wasn’t stupid and he needed this job.

I still don't like third-person omniscient, and I think it'd be better if we didn't get these narrative glimpses into characters that aren't Leo. You can unfold the details of the Magnemites from Leo's experience rather than just narrating details to the reader, and it's more effective to do so.


The creature, Officer Gear, was silent for a moment; the only sound in the chamber came from the faint sounds of the surface world above and the quiet whirring noise that accompanied the Magnezone’s constantly turning magnets.

More good imagery, with Magnezone making noise just by existing. Good writing. And I like the way they speak. It's KIND OF cartoonish, but it adds to the originality of their species.


Leo wasn’t to keen to take his offer, but took a mental note on what exactly he had turned into, a Charmeleon is it? Strange name for a species .
He slowly nodded, hoping that he could answer the officer’s questions. Otherwise, he could be here for a while.

I'm kind of torn on what I think of this. Why does Leo instantly assume Charmeleon is a species name instead of just assuming that Magnezone thinks that is his name. I was more expecting him to say "My name isn't Charmeleon!". But I dunno...it might work better if Leo had been in the pokemon world a bit more and had seen that is how they are referred to.


“ZZT! Just tell me to the best of your ability, alright? ZT!” told Leo, getting slightly irritated with him.

You missed a word there. "MAGNEZONE told Leo..."


“BZZZT! In fact, I might not need to trouble the Guild with you after all. Please wait a moment.”
As he finished Gear suddenly emitted a series of beeps and tones. Almost instantly another guard zoomed through the open door and into the room. He hovered over to Gear and handed him a blank piece of paper.

I can't believe it took this long for this to hit me, but how do Magnemites and Magnezones grab or hand things? They don't have hands. :p I'm sure you can create a way, but I'd like to see Leo describe it, because I bet it's amusing.


Any thoughts of irritation for Gear vanished as Leo meekly made his way over to the floating Pokemon.

Does Leo know what a "pokemon" is yet? Gear said the word to him, but I doubt it has much meaning to Leo yet.


While they read the content of the paper, Leo and the guard simply had engaged in a silent staring contest. The guard wishing he could zap Leo upside the head for his stupidity, and Leo busy closing one eye and imaging he was squishing the guard’s metal ball body between his claws.

Heh. I like that. Funny line. I like the immaturity of Leo that he has displayed at times this chapter.



-The Jay and Kelly stuff at the end was neat, as we now have characters for Leo to interact with and learn from. Again, the pacing in this chapter was great: it was really long, but not rushed through, and there was a real sense of it being important. I hope we get to see more of Magnemite Jail going forward.

Still some mistakes, but less than the previous chapters (though I was also REALLY tired while reading this one, so I am sure I missed a bunch, heh).

I look forward to seeing more.

Knightfall
12th July 2012, 7:23 PM
Thanks for the review, I am reading your fic, and am almost halfway through it. I am busy with a lot of real life things, so I'll try to get my first review of Brother's Bond up soon.

Anyways, onwards!


With the "Anyways" in there, that sounds pretty colloquial. You should keep your narrator in a more detached voice. That said, I like this intro so far. I like the careful guiding into the dream of the first few lines. Also, though, this is another dash that needs another hyphen to be a real dash. :)

Given that we've been told his memory is mostly gone, I'd not say he remembered his face. I'd change that to something like "Even without his memory, he somehow recognized the face as his own". Or something about deep down, he knew it was him.

He WAS running, or it's a tense shift. And more dashes, but you've got that by now, I think. :)

Lots of tense shifts here. It's in-and-out of present and past tenses. I can understand because it's easy to fall into that when doing dream sequences for some reason.

Other than the tense shifts, this was a very good opening. I'm liking the brief glimpses we've gotten as to what is happening/has happened out in the world. Very well-done.


I think got all of those tense errors I had in that dream scene.

I also reworded some of it, so it should read much better.

Thanks, I'm trying to open slowly and still provide some plot development at the same time.



*lightning.

Worded a little awkwardly, as he's trying/attempting to do two things at once. I'd combine that bit. "He tried to both savor the juiciness and recall when he had last...".

Good description, that. I can hear the Magnemites doing that in my head.

I still don't like third-person omniscient, and I think it'd be better if we didn't get these narrative glimpses into characters that aren't Leo. You can unfold the details of the Magnemites from Leo's experience rather than just narrating details to the reader, and it's more effective to do so.

More good imagery, with Magnezone making noise just by existing. Good writing. And I like the way they speak. It's KIND OF cartoonish, but it adds to the originality of their species.


Mistakes have been fixed, thanks for pointing them out. And I like writing the Magnemites, it gives me an excuse to push around my main characters.



I'm kind of torn on what I think of this. Why does Leo instantly assume Charmeleon is a species name instead of just assuming that Magnezone thinks that is his name. I was more expecting him to say "My name isn't Charmeleon!". But I dunno...it might work better if Leo had been in the pokemon world a bit more and had seen that is how they are referred to.


Ummmmmm.... well here's the thing. You see...[insert bad excuse].

I honestly didn't realise that until now, I don't know. I try to word that better.




You missed a word there. "MAGNEZONE told Leo..."

I can't believe it took this long for this to hit me, but how do Magnemites and Magnezones grab or hand things? They don't have hands. :p I'm sure you can create a way, but I'd like to see Leo describe it, because I bet it's amusing.

Does Leo know what a "pokemon" is yet? Gear said the word to him, but I doubt it has much meaning to Leo yet.


I put the word in, so that's fixed. I honestly never thought of that before, either. Hmm, I think I can put that in the next chapter somewhere, and I got an idea as to how they do it.



Heh. I like that. Funny line. I like the immaturity of Leo that he has displayed at times this chapter.

-The Jay and Kelly stuff at the end was neat, as we now have characters for Leo to interact with and learn from. Again, the pacing in this chapter was great: it was really long, but not rushed through, and there was a real sense of it being important. I hope we get to see more of Magnemite Jail going forward.

Still some mistakes, but less than the previous chapters (though I was also REALLY tired while reading this one, so I am sure I missed a bunch, heh).

I look forward to seeing more.

It was really fun to write; I love writing the humerous parts of this fic, because I know they're actually funny. (Usually)

Jay and Kelly will be playing a big role in this fic, so just wait and see.

As for the Magnemites, you'll be seeing more from them as the story progresses, not to worry. I can't bare not writing them and their attitudes in the future.

I don't know why I do that, I write exceptionally long chapters for some reason. For instance, chapter three was actually split into two posts it was so long.

(Hopefully, you caught all of them.) :)

I'll hopefully be able to do the first review of your fic before this weekend.

Update: Chapter Four is moving along, albit slowly, but it's still advancing.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

greatguy
18th July 2012, 4:52 AM
The blast seed book got burned.

How did Jay know Leo knew Flamethrower? He'd have to be at a certain level to know it.

Also, how did Leo teleport so much later than his teammates? In the games, the badges work pretty fast.

Now there are different types of Poke? I spent a lot of time figuring out the value of Pokedollars and Poke, and now you're giving me three new currencies?

All joking aside, what is the exchange rate? And are Gold Poke the same type as in the game?

Azurus
18th July 2012, 8:57 AM
the poke exchange rate I believe is 10-1 for each type and a hidden money worth 100 gold but it'd not available around here.

Knightfall
18th July 2012, 11:03 AM
The blast seed book got burned.

How did Jay know Leo knew Flamethrower? He'd have to be at a certain level to know it.

Also, how did Leo teleport so much later than his teammates? In the games, the badges work pretty fast.

Now there are different types of Poke? I spent a lot of time figuring out the value of Pokedollars and Poke, and now you're giving me three new currencies?

All joking aside, what is the exchange rate? And are Gold Poke the same type as in the game?

Thanks for replying.

Jay didn't know if he knew Flamethower or not, he was really just trying to tell him that they needed a fire attack.

That's the point, the badges were malfunctioning, so that's why Leo was left behind for a few moments. It'll be explained more in the next chapter.

In my fic, there are Gold, Silver, and Copper Poke. And I had the exchange rate written down somewhere, but it's really not that important.

Anyways, thank you for replying and I'm glad you're still reading.

Knightfall signing off.. ;005;

Azurus
19th July 2012, 2:54 AM
Originally you said bronze poke, now it's copper?! Graargh, now I have rethink my plot!!!

XD kidding of course but you should stay consistent even if the currency does not matter much.

Bobmeister24
19th July 2012, 11:54 AM
Sorry I haven't been online for such a long time, but I'm glad that I came back to such a brilliant fan-fic. In the time that I've not been on Serebii, you've become a much better writer and this fan-fic proves this point. The battle layout in Chapter 3 is awesome and I thought it was funny how the badges stopped working! Once again, an outstanding fan-fic. Keep up the good work!

Knightfall
19th July 2012, 2:43 PM
Sorry I haven't been online for such a long time, but I'm glad that I came back to such a brilliant fan-fic. In the time that I've not been on Serebii, you've become a much better writer and this fan-fic proves this point. The battle layout in Chapter 3 is awesome and I thought it was funny how the badges stopped working! Once again, an outstanding fan-fic. Keep up the good work!

Well, I'm glad you're back, and I'm happy that you're enjoying my fic.
That was my first time writing a true battle, and I'm pleased at how it turned out.
The badges not working, that was a last minute idea that ended up working pretty well, and it made for a more dramatic scene.

Thanks for replying, and hopefully I can keep up the quality of my work.
Chapter Four is progressing, slowly. Unfortunately, life's been demanding that my attention be focused on other things besides my story, but soon I should have some time to write some more and make some proper headway into the chapter.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sid87
25th July 2012, 7:16 PM
The team with their new addition in tow arrived at the base shortly after leaving the square via a short trail through the forest of mostly pine and oak trees that led to a large grassy clearing near the foot of the small valley.

Commas needed after: "team", "tow", "square". Also, you should cut off the last few words and make them a separate sentence, otherwise it sounds like the pine and oak trees led to a large grassy clearing.


The base wasn’t the only structure in the valley-there were several other dwellings made up of a mishmash of logs and other materials seemingly held together by sheer will and rope.

I've covered the Dash thing before, but you also GENERALLY (not always), don't want to use a dash by itself (they usually come in pairs), so that hyphen should be a semi-colon.


Leo had taken a moment to admire at the base when he first saw it;

Lose the "at". Just "admire the base".


Entering the inside of the base,

A little redundant. Just say "entering the base"


there was a small center room that linked to several other rooms that Leo barely got a glimpse of - a few had either a hammock hung from the log wall or a simple straw bed on the floor with a few blankets messily piled in the corners along with several wooden chests apparently used for storage.

Again, semi-colon instead of dash. Dashes separate an independent thought in the middle of a sentence--like this one right here--while semi-colons separate two separate full sentences that are related.


He made himself a note to look through those when he got the chance.

Take out "himself". Again, too wordy.


When the darkness fell, Jay stopped him for a moment; he got up went over to the wooden wall and tapped a dull blue crystal shard in a metal container on the wall.

Should have commas after "got up" and "wooden wall".


He said it as if every being with a pulse knew what a Luminous Orb was, unfortunately for Leo the Riolu didn’t elaborate on the strange fixtures.

I like the line out "every being with a pulse". There should be a comma after "Leo", though.


After some convincing, Jay eventually got Leo to continue with his story.

Should be "WITH some convincing...", otherwise, it reads like it took some convincing to get Jay to get Leo to continue.


By the time the Charmeleon was finished it was some dark hour in the early morning. A proverbial time among the many tales told by many an old Chansey nurse. A time when ghosts of the deceased are said to roam the land, leaving behind trails of dew, mist, and fog.

I don't get the first two sentences there. I had to reread them a few times, and I don't quite get what they are telling me. THAT SAID, I like the line about the ghosts. I would cut away the first two lines and just say "It was a late hour" and then use the line about the ghosts.


It was at this ungodly late-or extremely early depending on your point of view- hour that Leo wondered what his new teammates would think of him now that they had heard his story in its entirety.

It's hard not to do, but you shouldn't say "now" in past-tense narration. Maybe say "With the story completed, Leo wondered whay his new teammates would think of him". Just a thought.


“What?” Leo shot back at the Riolu, his temper flaring. He doesn’t believe me. He just dismissed by story, just like that!

Move the "his temper flaring" to after "Leo". Otherwise, it sounds like Riolu's temper is flaring.


Jay didn’t miss a beat, ““I’m sorry, but you story sounds just a little unbelievable. Just “waking up” in an inescapable dungeon and escape it? It just doesn’t happen; not that it couldn’t happen, it doesn’t happen!”

Oh, here's a good lesson (and yes, I'm doing a lot of minor correcting so far, so I apologize): If you need to use quotation marks inside other quotation marks, use apostrophes (or half-quotations). Like this:

"I have no idea why you said 'you are a jerk' to me, but I am not a jerk!" Paul yelled.

See?


She got to her feet.
“I’ll admit he can be a little frustrating at times, but he isn’t usually like this, at least not that I’ve seen since I meet him. I’ll tell you something I’ve found out about Jay: he likes knowing what’s going on at all times, and with what he doesn’t know…well, you saw how he reacted. It’s not you; it’s the system he’s mad at. Gear’s actions were perfectly within his power, but he didn’t give us any warning.” She answered him, finally giving an explanation to the deserving Charmeleon.

The end of her quote should have a comma, and the following "she" should lower-case since "answered" describes her dialogue.


“The Psychic Pokemon’s Guide to Reading Minds and Influencing the Weak-Minded”, no, I don’t need that. He placed the book on the floor.

“The Complete History of Blast Seeds: High Explosive Edition”, not what I need right now. He put the book on top of the last book on the floor.

“Royal Genealogy: The Rulers of the Kingdom and the Royal Lineage”, interesting, but no. He put it on the pile with the others.

“This Lasting Feud: The Enduring Conflict Between The Kingdom and its Renegade Colonies”, I’ll look at that later, but not now. He placed it with the others as he looked at the next book.

“Magmortar’s Guide to Making Anything and Everything Combustible”, just leave it alone, Leo. He thought before throwing the book on the growing pile of discarded books.

Nice flavorful world-building. I like getting a glimpse of all these books.


“Though it is not clear if humans existed or are a true myth, these legends are popular among Pokemon as the supposed fate of these beings. To find out if they did, in fact, exist at one point in time; several T.I.R.A sponsored archeological teams are preparing to travel to the islands thought to be closest to the lost civilization to look for evidence.”

I'm curious as to whether this is YOUR idea or a standard history of the Mystery Dungeon world. If it's yours, then I must say again: very impressive and well-done world-building. Great tease, too.


Leo woke when the smell of burning paper reached his nose.
He flailed in the hammock until he fell over the side of it onto the packed dirt floor.
Ignoring the sore pains in his limbs he found the source of the acrid smell: it was a book, “The Complete History of Blast Seeds” to be exact.
He had placed it along with several other discarded books in a pile beside his hammock, only now it was on fire.
During his few hours of sleep he got after reading, his tail had apparently brushed up against the pile and set the top book aflame.

LOL. I somehow KNEW he was going to set something on fire overnight with his tail; I just thought it'd be the hammock. Very realistic touch.


“Sorry. I didn’t mean to do it, but I was just so….frustrated with everything.” Leo apologized, watching as the scattered Pidgy reformed their flock and returned to their tree.

I like the imagery of the scattering and returning Pidgey.


He bent down and picked up the small, worn satchel off the ground. It was colored light brown-or at least that was the color it had faded to. It had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol itself was, unsurprisingly, not recognized by Leo as the royal seal of The Kingdom.

Back to the Dashes (am I being annoying yet?). I would do this to make it correct:

"It was colored light brown--or at least that was the color it had faded to--and it had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol...."

That way it's doing what dashes are supposed to, AND it reads better! :)


The guard took a deep static filled breath,
“I, Deputy Officer Ion, am sincerely sor…”he stopped in the middle of his forced apology.
His frame shook and his magnets spun and sparked erratically,
...ry and you are an outstanding citizen” he finished.
As soon as the final part of the word came from his speaker, a spark shot from his spherical body and he dropped like a stone to the street with a metallic clang, a thin trail of smoke coming from his body.

LOL...Okay, these guys are just fun.


Satisfied with the answer, Jay thanked the Sableye, who than burrowed back into the ground, off to do what ever it was he did in his free time.

Another, fun, worthwhile, eccentric side character. You are good with those.


Feeling completely rejuvenated from the apple and little berry, he traveled through the grass- the laws of physics not applying as his flaming tail didn’t torch the entire dungeon.

I really want/need a reason why not. Granted, Leo might not know yet, but will we be finding out?



-Your chapters are LONG. That's okay, though. Long chapters aren't really my flavor, but there's nothing wrong with them, (I'm just lazy and absent-minded). But you still pace things EXCEEDINGLY well. You give a LOT of detail and a LOT of flavor, and I have no doubt that as your grammar advances and you get older, you are going to be a fantastic writer. For the love of whatever god you do or don't believe in, please don't ever give up writing! (it's an easier trap to fall into than you might think)

-Aside from that, yeah, there were a lot of grammar errors that I spent time pointing out, but like I said...you're young. Grammar can easily be learned and corrected, but your ability to pace and describe a story is harder to get a handle on. You haven't yet, but I hope you don't get discouraged by my help on grammar and punctuation and what not; I'm just trying to do my small part to help you learn that annoying stuff. :)

-I feel like I don't know Jay or Kelly well enough or care much about them yet. They are just sort of "there" so far. Leo and the side characters (Aleck, Gear, the Magnemites) are all a lot of fun, but I know virtually nothing about Kelly, and all I seem to know about Jay is that he's a hothead, but well-meaning. I hope to see those two progress as the story goes on.

Knightfall
25th July 2012, 10:57 PM
Alright, let's hope I can get my review of your fic up before the heat death of the universe.



Commas needed after: "team", "tow", "square". Also, you should cut off the last few words and make them a separate sentence, otherwise it sounds like the pine and oak trees led to a large grassy clearing.

I've covered the Dash thing before, but you also GENERALLY (not always), don't want to use a dash by itself (they usually come in pairs), so that hyphen should be a semi-colon.

Commas, dashes, hyphens, I am truely starting to despise them, but those mistakes have been fixed. I'm going to try to eradicate any and all dash errors from Chapter Four, if for other reason then to give you one less thing to correct.



Lose the "at". Just "admire the base".

A little redundant. Just say "entering the base"

Again, semi-colon instead of dash. Dashes separate an independent thought in the middle of a sentence--like this one right here--while semi-colons separate two separate full sentences that are related.

Take out "himself". Again, too wordy.

Should have commas after "got up" and "wooden wall".

I like the line out "every being with a pulse". There should be a comma after "Leo", though.

Comma, Dash, Comma, Dash, I think I'm sensing a pattern here.
Anyways, redundancy and word-acy errors have been corrected, as were the comma and dash errors.



Should be "WITH some convincing...", otherwise, it reads like it took some convincing to get Jay to get Leo to continue.

I don't get the first two sentences there. I had to reread them a few times, and I don't quite get what they are telling me. THAT SAID, I like the line about the ghosts. I would cut away the first two lines and just say "It was a late hour" and then use the line about the ghosts.


Fixed, and I re-formatted that phrase, hopefully it reads better now. And I think I was reading some mystery book when I thought of that line, anyways, I liked it as well.



It's hard not to do, but you shouldn't say "now" in past-tense narration. Maybe say "With the story completed, Leo wondered whay his new teammates would think of him". Just a thought.

Move the "his temper flaring" to after "Leo". Otherwise, it sounds like Riolu's temper is flaring.


Fixed, and I simply took out the "temper flaring" bit.



Oh, here's a good lesson (and yes, I'm doing a lot of minor correcting so far, so I apologize): If you need to use quotation marks inside other quotation marks, use apostrophes (or half-quotations). Like this:

"I have no idea why you said 'you are a jerk' to me, but I am not a jerk!" Paul yelled.

See?


I have seen that used before, and I wonder why I didn't remember it until now. Anyhow, I'll remember that.



The end of her quote should have a comma, and the following "she" should lower-case since "answered" describes her dialogue.

Nice flavorful world-building. I like getting a glimpse of all these books.


Fixed, and yeah. It took me a while to think of those titles, I wanted to reveal a bit about the workings of the world without giving anything away. And some of them were amusing to write.



I'm curious as to whether this is YOUR idea or a standard history of the Mystery Dungeon world. If it's yours, then I must say again: very impressive and well-done world-building. Great tease, too.

That bit of mythology is all mine. I do plan on building on from the games, but it's mainly of my own creation. That's one of the reasons why the prologue took me months to write, my ideas for this story kept on changing.



LOL. I somehow KNEW he was going to set something on fire overnight with his tail; I just thought it'd be the hammock. Very realistic touch.

I like the imagery of the scattering and returning Pidgey.


I planned on him burning something before I was done with Chapter Two. I reasoned that he'd burn the hammock, but the book was easier to dispose of. (Leo just hung his tail over the side, and he moved in his sleep so it touched the book)
And keep that event in the back of your mind, because I plan on having it resurface at some point.



Back to the Dashes (am I being annoying yet?). I would do this to make it correct:

"It was colored light brown--or at least that was the color it had faded to--and it had a faint golden insignia embroidered on the front flap of it-the symbol...."

That way it's doing what dashes are supposed to, AND it reads better! :)


I might have to go and smash something with a crowbar after this, but I fixed that sentence. Dashes ... how I despise them.



LOL...Okay, these guys are just fun.

Another, fun, worthwhile, eccentric side character. You are good with those.


I know, they're really fun to write. Almost as soon as I first wrote Chapter One, I knew they and Leo would cross paths again.

We'll be seeing them from time to time, but yeah, I guess I am good at writing them. I thank childhood movies for their inspiration.



I really want/need a reason why not. Granted, Leo might not know yet, but will we be finding out?


Leo doesn't know yet, but it's the weird dungeon mechanics at work. We'll find out more later, I promise.



-Your chapters are LONG. That's okay, though. Long chapters aren't really my flavor, but there's nothing wrong with them, (I'm just lazy and absent-minded). But you still pace things EXCEEDINGLY well. You give a LOT of detail and a LOT of flavor, and I have no doubt that as your grammar advances and you get older, you are going to be a fantastic writer. For the love of whatever god you do or don't believe in, please don't ever give up writing! (it's an easier trap to fall into than you might think)


I honestly don't know when to stop writing a chapter, but I guess that's not too much of a problem that I write a lot. I hope I can live up to that, and believe me, I don't think I'll stop writing anytime soon.



-Aside from that, yeah, there were a lot of grammar errors that I spent time pointing out, but like I said...you're young. Grammar can easily be learned and corrected, but your ability to pace and describe a story is harder to get a handle on. You haven't yet, but I hope you don't get discouraged by my help on grammar and punctuation and what not; I'm just trying to do my small part to help you learn that annoying stuff. :)


How else am I to learn unless you point out all that small annoying stuff? Because of this, I'm seriously going to try and give the next chapter a good read through so I catch more of them.



-I feel like I don't know Jay or Kelly well enough or care much about them yet. They are just sort of "there" so far. Leo and the side characters (Aleck, Gear, the Magnemites) are all a lot of fun, but I know virtually nothing about Kelly, and all I seem to know about Jay is that he's a hothead, but well-meaning. I hope to see those two progress as the story goes on.

They are going to progess, though much of their backstories are going to be kept vague for the time being. Their personalities are developing, and hopefully that'll be enough to hold the story over until their backstories are released in a later arc.

Thank you so much for going through my story, you can see that I need your helpful advice. So, thank you for pointing out all those annoying errors; I won't be forgetting them anytime soon.

So, hopefully when I post the next chapter you'll see much less of those errors and can focus fully on the story. I took your advice and found a beta reader, so thanks for pointing me in that direction.

Now then, I think it's time I review your fic, I'll try to get that up soon.

Thank you again.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Knightfall
3rd August 2012, 5:00 PM
Chapter Four: Injustice

“I’m…not sure what’s going on anymore. Things are changing: guards are everywhere, He is always here, and they’re not telling us anything anymore. They’re hiding something, the administrator, I’m certain he’s in on it …. I’m going to find out what it is … I’m not sure what will happen to me, but I can’t go back. Not now, they know. Somehow, they know that I’m on to them, so it’s no use playing dumb. Not anymore.
I’m going to go …. into the restricted areas tomorrow, to see what I can find.
If I don’t come back ... whoever is reading this needs to make sure that what they’re doing is exposed … whatever that may be.”
Last known entry from the private journal of Ian the Breloom, former member of Team Frontier. Confirmed missing the day after this journal entry and has not been heard from since.


Leo knew the dark expanse he stood in was the result of a dream, not simply the effects of unconsciousness. The darkness seemed too vivid, if possible, to be anything but a dream.

“Is this kind of thing going to be a regular thing every time I pass ou—What the heck is that?!”

Within the darkness of the dream, something stirred. At first, they sounded like distant voices, but like a tidal wave approaching shore, their soft whispers grew until they resembled the tortured screams of the damned.
Leo clutched the sides of his head in an attempt to block out their screams, but they broke through this barrier as their amplified voices circled around him.

“Reality is the story the mind tells itself. A truth so strange it can only be lied into existence and our minds can lie. Never doubt it.”

“What’s this? Real, or just my lying mind again?”

“Shut up! Stop it!” Leo screamed, but the voices only grew louder.

“You can always ignore your conscious …”

“I was promised salvation. I was told that I would be free. He told me that my imprisonment would end. I can’t live like this … Maybe I’m already dead. Does that make this my hell?”

“Please stop! I don’t want to hear you!” Leo pleaded, but the voices didn’t heed his order.

“Death might be a better alternative then letting him return …”

“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Please stop!” Leo cried, tears welling up from the pain. Suddenly the screaming voices ceased, and a single, cold voice started talking.

“Unless you wish for your mind’s descent into madness to accelerate, I suggest you wake up, Leo. Wake up … and see past the corruption.”


Flailing his arms around in panic, Leo effectively shredded the soft blankets covering him. Panting heavily, his eyes darted around the room he was in for the strange voices from a few seconds earlier.

After confirming that the room was empty of everyone but himself, he began to worry.
I-I’m hearing voices inside my head. Am I going crazy? I must be, because no normal person hears things like that. He glanced at each of the corners of the room to make sure no one was pulling a prank on him. His psyche wasn’t in the best state to handle someone’s cruel attempt of a joke the moment.

He shook the thoughts of potential insanity away and truly observed the room he didn’t remember being in before. It was a small square room with brick walls, and wooden ceiling with several small bunches of dried herbs tied to the rafters, their purifying scents purged the air of foul smells and left a sharp, minty aftertaste in Leo’s mouth every time he took a breath.
Aside from the herbs on the ceiling, the only other things in the room appeared to be the hay bed he was sitting on and a small wooden door.

Deciding that nothing productive would come of his staying in bed, he swung his legs over the side of the haystack and he hopped down. It was as soon as his legs hit the packed dirt floor that he realized that his body wasn’t as recovered from yesterday’s fiasco as he thought. As his weak legs fell out from beneath him, he clutched the wall nearest to him to keep from collapsing.

Just then, he heard the squeaking sound of the wooden door opening behind him, and not even a full second had passed when he heard another voice.

“Just what do you think you’re doing, Charmeleon?!” Leo didn’t have time to process who the voice belonged to when a pair of leafy arms picked him up from under his shoulders and dropped him over the bed.

Leo looked up at his rescuer, she (at least it sounded feminine to Leo) appeared to be a walking plant blub with a red, oversized, hat-like flower set almost sideways on her leaf green “hair”. Her pale white face was looking down on her renegade patient with a mixture of concern and disapproval.

“You’re not cleared to be out of bed yet. I’m not surprised that you nearly fell. Those poisons you inhaled yesterday haven’t dissipated from your body yet,” she scolded as she went over to a small brown bag she brought with her, pulling out a pink, heart-shaped berry.

“Here, eat this. It’ll help your body break down the last of the poison’s toxins much faster then it would normally,” she said as she handed Leo the berry.
Leo looked at the berry suspiciously, it didn’t seem bad, but, as Leo had learned yesterday, looks can be deceiving.

“Go on, eat it. Honestly, you’re acting like you’ve never seen a Pecha Berry before,” the nurse urged as Leo cautiously took a bite of the berry.
He wasn’t expecting the explosion of sweetness that the berry contained; he stared in awe of the fruit as he swallowed the bite. It took approximately two and a half seconds for Leo to shove the entirety of the small berry into his mouth, chew it, and swallow it.

The plant-bulb Pokemon chuckled at the scene. Leo looked up at her with a small dribble of Pecha juice remaining on his lips, which he cleaned with a swipe of his tongue. He didn’t care if she thought him as ill-mannered, odd, or just plain weird; that berry was perhaps the best experience he’d had so far in this world, and he wasn’t going to let anyone ruin it for him.

“Now that you’ve finished with that, the last of the toxins should dissipate shortly,” The nurse informed Leo.
Suddenly a thought hit Leo, pushing away all the good feelings he had. What happened to Kelly and Jay? And I guess Icarus, too.
“Excuse me, nurse…” he trailed off, not knowing what name to call his caretaker.

The nurse sensed his confusion. “I’m a Lilligant; my species aren’t normally seen around here, so I’m not surprised that you don’t know. You may call me Rosaline.”

Armed with her name, Leo again asked his question. “Nurse Rosaline, what happened to the others who were brought here with me?”

The Lilligant paused. “Who are you talking about, Charmeleon?” she asked, confused.

Leo pushed himself up on the bed. “Kelly and Jay. They were with me yesterday, along with Icarus.”

“I’m sorry, Charmeleon, but I don’t know any of those names. Forgive me,” Rosaline apologized, as Leo began to panic.

“My friends, Kelly and Jay! A Jolteon and a Riolu, where are they?!” Leo shouted at the nurse. In the midst of his alarm, he realized that he had just referred to them as his friends. It was true they were the closest things he had to friends in this world.

The nurse spoke, “Calm down, Charmeleon! I-”

“My name is Leo! What happened to them?!” Leo yelled, cutting her off abruptly. He hopped down off the bed and strained to stand. This was arguably not his best move as he nearly fell to the floor again, but panic had firmly gripped his mind and was not letting go.
Just as the nurse was about to resort to using a Sleep Seed she carried on her for such a situation, the door opened and in walked Jay, Kelly, and to Leo’s surprise, Icarus. All of them looking healthy and happy, except Icarus who seemed displeased with the sling his right wing was set in.

“We leave you for an hour to discuss a reward with Icarus, and you get into a shouting match with the nurse? Maybe we should have them examine your head,” Jay said, walking in between Leo and the nurse, who still firmly held the Sleep Seed in her hand, ready to throw it if needed.

Leo’s heart flooded with relief. “You’re all right, that’s … great,” he said, his breaths slowing as his fear induced heart rate returned to normal.

“I was about to tell you that I saw your friends earlier in the guild’s lobby. I didn’t treat your friends, so that’s why I didn’t recall who you were asking about,” Nurse Rosaline huffed, stowing the seed back into her bag.

Sheepishly, Leo turned to the annoyed nurse. “I’m sorry I overreacted. I didn’t mean to.”

The Lilligant smiled. “It’s alright, I forgive you. You’re hardly the first Pokemon to yell at me in a panic. And I think it shows how much you care for your friends,” she said, as Leo was suddenly thankful his scales were already colored crimson.

“So, would someone tell me what happened yesterday?” Leo asked, abruptly changing the subject.

“Well, shortly after Jumpluff attacked us, I managed to get a connection with the badge. I activated it and it worked as expected: Icarus and I instantly arrived at the guild with Jay appearing a few seconds later,” Kelly explained, as Jay continued.

“Then our luck ran out, again. You weren’t showing up. As soon as we saw that, Kelly and I ran into the guild and found the Kadabra who ran the badge extraction, and we calmly and rationally explained what happened, and he kindly reopened the passage to get you out of the-” Jay told Leo as Kelly interrupted him.

“What he actually means is that he barged into the restricted area of the guild and threatened the overworked Kadabra until he got you out of th-” Kelly revealed as Jay cut her off.

“Don’t act all innocent, you were about to fry the poor guy by the time I got the-” Jay shot back, as Rosaline cut both of them off by wrapping her leafy hands over both of their muzzles.

“This is a hospital. Not an arena. If you wish to carry on your argument, you will do so outside. Do you understand?” she scolded as she slowly let go of their mouths.
“Now, I must inform you all that your stay in our guild is almost over. The Guildmaster requests that your entire team vacate the premises now that all of your wounds have been stabilized and treated. You have fifteen minutes to gather your things and leave,” Rosaline informed the reunited team.

After that, Jay, Kelly, and Leo busied themselves with gathering their items from the guild’s storage and helping Leo regain strength in his legs. While on their errands, the group passed a golden, mustached, humanoid Pokemon. Once the Pokemon saw them, he instantly jumped to the side and flattened himself against the wall. Leo thought his behavior odd until he saw both Jay and Kelly shoot him a piercing glare.

He must be the Kadabra-thing they threatened earlier, Leo realized as the Pokemon fled down the hallway as soon as they passed. Leo smiled at the thought. Serves him right.

After they had recovered their satchels and items—Leo’s key wasn’t taken, to his relief-- they found Nurse Rosaline and said their good-byes.
“It was nothing, and I’m sorry we have to ask you to leave, but that’s the rules,” she said, as Jay suddenly remembered something.

“Hey, nurse, when you were treating Leo, did you find out anything about his memory loss?”

Rosaline stopped her good-bye, “Beg pardon, I wasn’t even aware that Leo was suffering from amnesia. Was this from yesterday’s events?” she inquired, concern spreading throughout her face.

“No, I’ve had it for a few days now. At least, that’s as far back as I can remember,” Leo admitted with a sigh.

The Lilligant walked over to Leo, she put her hands on the sides of his head and gently inspected it. “You don’t appear to have any noticeable injury to your skull; was it a Psychic type that did this to you? Or was it something else?” she asked after completing her observation of his head.

Leo shook her hands off his head, “You’re asking the amnesiac if he remembers anything. That makes perfect sense,” Leo said with a laugh.

“Well, excuse me for trying to help,” she huffed, “Anyways, there are a few options I know of that might—might, mind you-- help restore his memory, though they would require much effort on your part,” she told them.

“Before Jay says something out of line, I’ll be the one to ask. What can we do to help our teammate, Nurse?” Kelly asked. Jay shrugged his shoulders as he let her comment go.

“Well, a Psychic Pokemon who’s very developed in his abilities could delve into Leo’s mind and attempt to remove the amnesia, but if one thing goes wrong, it could land your friend with a much bigger problem then missing memories,” she elaborated.
Leo shook his head in disagreement, he didn’t want some Pokemon messing around in his head, he already had enough going on up there.

“If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of; Madam Lucario is her name, I believe. She is well known for her abilities, and has reported success with patients like you, though I’m a bit skeptical. Last I heard she was in one of the frontier towns, that’d be at least a week’s travel if you wanted …” she trailed off, sensing that the offer had fallen short with the team.

“Thank you for your help, but we simply can’t go off to find this Madam Lucario. We’ll just have to make do with what we have,” Jay told her, as they exited the hospital section of the guild.

The main floor of the guild was huge, to say the least. Leo couldn’t even imagine such a room existing in this world. As Jay would tell him later, the lobby was ten feet in height, and wide enough to allow even the longest Onix to fit comfortably. Along the brick walls of the room were placed several long boards each with dozens of posters on them. They made the Post Office’s board look superfluous by the amount of job requests they could hold.

Before Leo could observe the entirety of the guild’s foyer, he found himself being pushed along by Jay. A few minutes later, he, Jay, Kelly, and a disgruntled Icarus were standing near the edge of Loyalty Square’s now-bustling marketplace.

“Well, at least we got time to breathe in there,” Leo said snidely to Jay, who was looking very much relieved now that they were out of the guild.

“Believe me, it’s better now that we’re out of there,” he replied, giving no indication of what that might have meant.

“Icarus, I think it’s time you gave us that reward you insisted on not talking about earlier,” Jay said to the Pidgeotto, changing the subject from the guild.

Icarus clawed the stone street with his talons, “Yeeeah, about that …You see, I don’t have a reward for you guys,” he slowly said while keeping an eye on Jay.

“What do you mean, Icarus?” Jay said, his voice betraying no trace of the anger Leo was sure was building up inside of him.

“W-what I mean, is that I don’t have anything of value to…you know, give you guys. I’m only a messenger, I don’t get paid much,” Icarus answered the Riolu, as he kept his distance.

“So, nothing? You have nothing to give us for all of our work yesterday getting you out of that Arceus forsaken meadow?!” Jay asked, his temper breaking through his calm exterior.

Icarus backed up as Jay took a step forward. “H-hey! L-let’s not get h-hasty, Jay. W-we can talk something out….Leo, Kelly, would you two please help me out here?!” Icarus squawked, once he backed into a wall of a building.

“You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.

“No, me neither. Actually, I am in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.

“G-guys? C-come on, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me here with him!” Icarus pleaded.

“Sure, I’m starving. Do you know some place that has some of those Peachy berries?” Leo asked as he walked off with Kelly into the Square.

Kelly laughed, “Pecha berries, and I know a place that’s great. Come on.”

Jay smirked as he cracked his knuckles, “Let’s have a little …chat, Icarus.”

“Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.


The shop they entered was a small structure that appeared to be built out of an amalgamation of tree trunks and cut rock lashed together with rope. The fact that it was standing was probably breaking several basic laws of physics.
Inside were several small circular tables, each occupied with a group of Pokemon either eating or just chatting. As Kelly and Leo walked in through the doorway, Leo looked around, not too optimistic about getting a space for both of them at a table.

Just as they were about to give up on finding a seat, a large red and yellow creature with red flames erupting from its shoulders looked up from his conversation and noticed their dilemma. He grinned and waved them over with one of its yellow tubular arms.
As Leo and Kelly walked over to the already crowded table, the large Pokemon who invited them pushed a horse-like Pokemon with fire for a mane aside to make space for the two.

“Thank you, Magmortar, sir,” Kelly said gratefully, as they took a place at the table.

Magmortar laughed, “No need to be formal; name’s Blaize, and this here is my crew,” he said, as he gestured at the other Pokemon surrounding the table.

“Thank you for letting us sit here, but why? I don’t think we’ve ever met before,” Kelly asked Blaize, puzzled at his generosity. The Magmortar gave no reply to her, but instead Blaize pulled out a small bag, fished out a few copper coins, and tossed them the air.
Leo was surprised when the coins all suddenly vanished in a small blast of light.

Not three seconds after the coins had vanished from sight, two glasses of liquid appeared in twin flares of light on the table in front of Leo and Kelly.
Leo shot back from the table and covered his head with his claws, bracing himself for whatever explosion was about to happen.
After a moment of nothing even remotely like a detonation occurring, he slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head. The table was still intact, though every Pokemon at it was staring at him as if he’d completely lost it, Blaize and Kelly in particular.

Leo laughed weakly as he slowly returned to the table. Ignoring the stares of the others, he nonchalantly took a sip of his drink. He was amazed at the taste of whatever this mixture was called; he couldn’t even imagine something that came even remotely close to being this good. The Pecha Berry he had earlier palled in comparison to the fiery flavor of this drink. He barely kept these emotions to himself, as the rest of the table returned to their conversation.

“Blaize, sir. You didn’t have to buy us anything, we can afford our own,” Kelly told the Magmortar, as he grinned.

“Don’t worry about that, and if the rumors are true, you and your team deserve it after what you all did in the Meadows. I swear, you all are more competent then the legions of Magnemite they got patrolling everywhere. Exposing a major Colonial smuggling ring and surviving to tell the tale; that’s not something that every team does. You deserve the drinks,” Blaize explained as Leo downed the rest of the red liquid in his glass.

“How did you know about that? We only got back yesterday,” Kelly asked as Leo discreetly reached for Kelly’s glass and took it while she was distracted.

Blaize let out another hearty laugh, “I guess some folks overheard talk in the guild and told the town all about it. Good thing too, since that’s what led us to take the job of arresting Jumpluff and his cronies,” he told them as the other Pokemon at the table nodded in agreement.
While they talked, Leo carefully took a sip of Kelly’s drink—some sort of electric yellow liquid—and nearly gagged on it. Overriding the urge to spit it out, he quickly swallowed the drink. Disgusted with the revolting drink, he swiftly passed it back to Kelly’s spot before she noticed it was even gone.

“Well, good luck with that. He’s not a pleasant Pokemon, that’s for sure. Be careful, and don’t breathe the air,” she warned as Blaize and the entire group laughed—Leo noticed that they did this a lot.

“Don’t go worrying about us, lass. A couple Fire Blasts from us and they’ll be begging at our knees!” as he said this, he suddenly lifted his right arm up in the air and shot a small burst of flame out of it.
It seemed as if the entire restaurant turned and stared at their table after Blaize’s display.
After the audience slowly went back to their private conversations, Blaize announced to his team that it was time to get going.

“Management here don’t like attacks going off on the premises, so we’re going before they get onto us. We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t locked their doors to us yet. See you both around, and good luck with your future rescuin’,” Blaize told them as he and his group hastily exited the building before said management could get onto them.

Leo was just starting to enjoy having the entire table just to him and Kelly when he looked up at the back corner of the restaurant. He saw past the groups of conversing Pokemon to see a strange purple creature. It didn’t have any arms or legs that Leo could see, it just silently floated. It wasn’t the lack of limbs, or even the large witch hat it seemed to wear on its head that captured Leo’s attention. It was its stare. The creature’s golden eyes gleamed from under the brow of its “hat”, and Leo saw a wicked smile form on its face. Just as Leo was about to go and confront the observer, a group of three Pokemon approached their table, blocking the staring contest.

“You both mind if we sit here? We’ve been looking around for a place to sit for a while now,” one of the newcomers inquired, a large green gecko with a thin leaf growing from the top of its head that went down to its feet.

Coming out of his trance-like staring contest with the creature, Leo shook his head. “I’m sorry, we’re out of room,” Leo sarcastically told the group, motioning for them to take a seat.

The green gecko grinned, “Thanks mate, appreciate it,” he said as he called for his two companions to take their places at the table. One was a regal looking creature with white fur and a sharp black crescent attached to the side of his head, and the other was a dragon with large red eyes and a pair of diamond-shaped wings on its back.

The Grovyle leaned over the table, “So, anything interesting happen to you all today?” he asked, trying to initiate a conversation.

“Well, we just finished recovering from our job at Spore Fields yesterday, and our teammate is getting our reward from our client,” Kelly responded, not even phased at the fact that Jay was probably threatening Icarus with another broken wing.

This got the Absol’s attention, “Spore Fields? Where you the team that exposed that smuggling ring I’ve been hearing about?”

The Grovyle put his clawed hand on the Absol’s shoulder, “Don’t be so rude, Elliot, we just met them,” the Grovyle scolded, as Elliot started grumbling something unsavory about his leader. Leo craned his neck to see past the Grovyle and saw that the golden-eyed creature has vanished without a trace.

“Yeah, I guess that’s us. I didn’t know we’d become this well known just for doing that,” Kelly replied, as Jay walked through the doorway of the café. After looking around a moment, he found the table where Leo and Kelly were, and joined them.
To avoid disclosing anything Jay did, or might have done to the other patrons, Leo decided to play it safe and ask a vague question.

“Any luck?”

Jay shook his head. “He really didn’t have anything to give us, and believe me, I made sure.” He looked at his teammates puzzled faces.
“Don’t worry; I didn’t hurt him or anything. I just scared him a bit,” he answered their unspoken question.

“Even though I didn’t get any reward from him, I made him a deal that he owes us a big favor whenever we might need one. And he accepted that without a second thought, and then I let him go,” Jay said as he finished his explanation of his “chat” with Icarus.

“Is that how you treat all of your clients?” Elliot asked, grinning, “If so, then I’d hate to ever be rescued by you all.”

The Grovyle jabbed the Absol with his elbow, “Elliot, shut up! You’re not helping anyone with your jokes,”

The Absol shrugged it off, “Oh, lighten up Blade, not everything has to be so serious. I mean, I can sense when disasters are about to strike and I smile more then you do!” Elliot argued. The Grovyle, Blade, shook his head in disapproval.

“This is why we don’t get higher level missions, because you and Sonic don’t take things seriously,” Blade shot back, directing the comment to Elliot and the Flygon, Sonic.

Jay leaned toward Leo and Kelly, “Did I miss anything?” he asked as Kelly filled him in on what happened while he was with Icarus.

“See past the corruption …” Leo jerked his head up, suddenly alert.

He quickly looked around the table: Jay and Kelly were talking, as were Blade, Elliot, and Sonic, and no one was behind him. Who said that?, Leo pondered, as his thoughts were suddenly cut short by a loud burst of familiar static.

The entire café went silent as a squad of seven Magnemite burst into the dining area. They all spun around, quickly scanning the entire room. Suddenly, one of the units screeched as it pointed towards a blue duck Pokemon that was sitting two tables away from Leo.

“ZZT! There he is! Get him! ZT!”

Five of the Magnemite instantly surrounded the table, while the other two turned around to address the restaurant patrons, who were beginning to panic and get to their feet.
“BZZT! Remain calm, citizens, official L.S.P.D business. Stay back,” one of the units said. Leo wasn’t paying attention to him; he, along with everybody else in the room, was looking around the Magnemite to see what was going on.
The five Magnemite that had surrounded the table had swarmed the stunned blue duck Pokemon. They tried to electrocute him, but he managed to dodge their charge by jumping to the side.

“What are you doing?!” the Pokemon yelled as he stumbled away from the table.

“ZT! Cease and desist, citizen!” one of the units yelled, as the five Magnemite surrounded the Golduck in the circle.

The Golduck desperately looked at the other Pokemon, “I haven’t done anything wrong! What are you doing?!” he yelled as the Magnemite tightened their circle around him.

“ZZT! Surrender now, Jack, and we won’t have to use force. ZT!” another of the units said, as Jack’s webbed hands started glowing.
Without warning, Jack lunged forward and punched one of the Magnemite. The attack sent the unit flying into the rock wall where it shattered in an explosion of electricity and metal fragments.
Before the other officers could react, Jack punched another unit into the floor where it met the same fate as the one before.
Jack turned around, shot a burst of water from his mouth at the other Magnemite, and made a break through the gap in the circle. The other units were no longer stunned, and immediately fired bolts of charged electricity at the Golduck.

“ZT! Units Four and Seven down! Units Four and Seven down! Remaining units detain suspect! ZZT!” one of the units shouted as they fired off several more bolts. Jack was nimble enough to dodge the electric bolts; he jumped over the chairs and landed on Leo’s table.
The units continued firing their attacks despite the risk of hitting the other patrons. Jack’s hands glowed again and this time he sent a wave of psychic energy at the police units, knocking the remaining five units backwards.

Leo ducked from his seat, as a bolt of energy flew inches above his head.
Jack released several more of the psychic blasts, deflecting the electric bolts and disorienting the units.

“This has to end before someone gets hurt,” Blade whispered as he prepared to strike.

Before Jack could attack again, Blade hopped up onto the table directly behind the Golduck and shot a pair of glowing leaves at Jack’s head, instantly knocking the Pokemon down onto the floor before he could react. The remaining units took advantage of the opportunity and fired several bolts directly at the Golduck.
Jack cried out in pain as he collapsed to the ground, his body twitching as the electricity continued to course through it.

Leo was too stunned to move at this act of police brutality as several yells of “Jack!” came from the Pokemon of the café.
Before anyone could make a move to help him, the Magnemite quickly surrounded the unconscious Golduck. Two of them clasped their magnet appendages around Jack’s wrists and started dragging him out of the restaurant, another two units made a barrier around their prisoner, while the last one attached his magnets to the smoking piles of wreckage that were units Four and Seven and dragged them away.

“BZZT! Have a nice day, citizens. Thank you for your cooperation and assistance in detaining this felon. ZZT!” the last one said as it left the restaurant, the last comment directed to Blade.

After the Magnemite left, the patrons started murmuring and conversing once more. Leo could hear only snippets of their hushed dialogue, “… again, it’s happened again.”, “Jack never did anything …”, “… third raid this week ...”, “… too far this time …”

Leo snapped back into focus when Jay tapped him on his back, “I think it’s time we go. We don’t want to stay here too long, otherwise we’ll be the next ones offending one of their asinine laws,” Jay warned and Leo nodded, taking a last look at the overturned table and the many smoking scorch marks in the walls and furniture.

“Your friend is right, we should leave now,” Blade said as he motioned for Leo to move.


Silent Foothills: Second Area

Even though it had been a few hours since the incident in the café, Leo was still trying to make sense of what had happened. Jay explained that this was only one of many similar incidents happening all across the Kingdom: Pokemon being rounded up and arrested at the slightest sign of doing anything considered “treasonous”.

Once they had departed the café, they parted ways with Blade and his team, who told them to watch their backs as they left. Apparently, Jay had also been to the job boards while he was dealing with Icarus and had accepted a mission, though he never got the chance to tell them in the restaurant.

Though Leo was not too psyched about going into another dungeon so soon after the last one, he reluctantly agreed to go since Jay assured him that this was nothing like the Meadows. In hindsight, he remembered that was exactly what Kelly had told him about the Meadows yesterday.
Their mission was simple: find an Oren Berry a Weedle used as a good luck charm. It didn’t pay too much, —only thirteen Copper Poke--- but it was an easy mission, and that was exactly what they needed.
Leo turned his badge over in his claws, it was worn down and scratched, but Aleck told them that it was top quality. Leo remembered when the eccentric shopkeeper called them over to his shop right after they left Blade and his team. Jay and the Sableye haggled for a few minutes about a price before agreeing to four Silver Poke.

When Leo asked where he got the badge, Aleck cryptically answered, “Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies,” he said with a shady chuckle.
As they walked away from the shop, Kelly whispered to him that Aleck never says where he gets his merchandise, though everyone suspects that he had contacts in the black market.

The dungeon itself wasn’t anything too remarkable, as the name “Silent Foothills” suggested, it was fairly quiet in terms of both noise and Pokemon. Except for a few wild Zigzagoon and Rattata that fled as soon as they came into view, the dungeon was empty, and that was fine by Leo.
The Oren Berry in question was supposed to be on the third area of the dungeon, and at the rate this mission was going, they’d be there in no time.

“Hey, Jay, what did you mean by what you said earlier? When you said that the same thing was happening all over?” Leo asked as they walked through the tree-lined path within the dungeon. The Riolu slowed his pace and walked beside Leo, letting Kelly take the lead.

“Ever since the Western Quarter incident, the entire police force has been stepping up their efforts to prevent history from repeating itself on a bigger scale. Not to sound paranoid or anything, but they have spies set up in every city to watch for any signs of treason. Gear hates that they have to do it, but it’s not his decision,” Jay explained as they continued to move through the dungeon.

“So, Jack was innocent?” Leo asked.

“He probably got caught talking bad about the government or something like that. It’s horrible, but it’s better then living in the Colonies, at least that’s what I’ve been told,” Jay sighed.
Leo had thought as much. It’s bad, yes, but like he said, it could always be worse, right? Unfortunately, he didn’t have an answer to that question.

Suddenly, Jay spoke up. “I know what we need to do, Leo. This place is an excellent spot to try and teach you some attacks,” he suggested.

“What do you mean by ‘attacks’?” Leo asked.

“What you weren’t able to do yesterday against Jumpluff. Hopefully, we can jog your memory and get a move or two back,” Jay told him, as they all stopped in the middle of a clearing ringed by trees. “This should be a good place.”

“Alright, so where do I begin?” Leo eagerly asked, the thought of performing some of the moves he saw yesterday excited him.
Jay stopped, “Umm, you got any ideas Kel?”

Kelly thought for a moment, “Well, since none of us know how to breathe fire, I guess we could start you off with something involving your claws,” she reasoned, as Leo looked over his claws. They were definitely sharp, but was there more to them then that?

“That’ll work,” Jay agreed as he motioned for Leo to stand in front of a particularly large tree.
“Now pretend it’s an enemy and attack it!” he ordered, as Kelly groaned in disagreement.

“That’s not how it works, Jay! You have to let him figure it out his own way. That’s how I learned,” she told him.

Their arguing didn’t change the fact that Leo was still facing a tree with no idea of what to do. Shrugging his shoulders, he decided to wing it. He raised his right arm and concentrated on slashing through the bark like butter with his claws.
He swung his claws down onto the tree. He immediately knew it hadn’t worked when he felt the jarring pain spread throughout his limb. He clenched his hand as he hopped around in pain.

As soon as the pain subsided to a tolerable level, again he faced the tree. Ignoring Jay’s snickers and Kelly’s advice to take it easy, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
He imagined his claws easily slicing into the first few inches of bark, tearing through the layers of xylem and phloem. That’s when he felt it, his claws suddenly became energized in a way. Not knowing if that was a good sign or not, he swung his claws into the tree again.

He felt his claws make contact with the hard bark, but then it felt like he was dragging his hand through water. He opened his eyes to see that his claws were indeed glowing and embedded deep within the bark, a long slash mark trailed from where he first made contact with the tree.

“That’s great, Leo! You got it!” Kelly cheered. Her sudden yell caused Leo to shift his concentration slightly, and that was all that was needed to stop the energy flow to his claws.
His claws instantly stopped glowing and his steady cut through the tree was brought to a halt. Leo felt his claws jar on the bark. He tried to pull them out to try again, but they were stuck fast in the wood.
Grunting, he used his free hand to try to yank his claws out. He overheard Jay’s laughter, not even trying to hide it anymore. Even though he couldn't turn around to prove it, he was certain that he heard Kelly’s laugh mixed in with Jay’s.
He huffed in annoyance, planted his feet on the base of the tree, and pulled once more to no avail.

Forget this, Leo thought as he jumped up and put his feet on either side of his stuck claw so that he was perpendicular with the tree. Leo pushed off with his feet as hard as he could, straining to free his claws.
He didn’t stop pushing even when he heard a loud “crack” in the wood, though perhaps he should have since it was only a few seconds after that noise when his claw came free and he shot off of the tree and tumbled onto the ground.

“Are you sure you weren’t a comedian before your memory loss?” Jay asked, barely containing a laugh as he offered his paw to the downed Charmeleon.
Leo accepted the hand up, and climbed to his feet, pulling his tail off the irritating dirt.

“Don’t listen to him Leo, you had it. I think that was a Slash attack, a pretty useful move to have in your arsenal,” Kelly said as Leo examined his right arm for any injury.

“Though we probably should get going and finish this mission before it gets too late,” she suggested, looking up at the sun, which was slowly edging its was toward the western horizon.

“Agreed,” Leo said, not wanting to spend any more time in this dungeon then he all ready had. It wasn’t because it was challenging, he just didn’t like the feel of being inside of an unstable spatial anomaly.

Just as they were about to start moving deeper into the Foothills, he heard the voice again.
“Their aggression would never fade with the passing centuries. Their hatred would grow and increase until the resonance could be felt throughout the world.”

Leo nearly jumped a mile high when he heard the voice from earlier again in his ear, but before he could tell his teammates about it the ground started rumbling.

“What’s going on?! Dungeonquake?!” Jay yelled as the ground continued to heave. They all struggled to maintain their foothold on the ground as the quake worsened.
The trees shook and swayed. Leo saw a few birds flee their nests in terror, as their homes threatened to topple.

As suddenly as it began, the ground stilled and the quake ceased. “D-did it stop?” Kelly asked.
Unfortunately for them, that was only the calm before the storm as the rift appeared.

It was as if someone got a knife and sliced the air between two of the large trees at the opposite side of the clearing, leaving behind a glowing blue line in the air. The line slowly grew in width, revealing a space between the now circular portal.

Leo was mesmerized at the sight of the strangle enigma.
“What is that?” Kelly said as images began to take shape inside the portal.

At first it looked like an Impressionist era painting, but then the blurry landscape on the other side of the portal cleaned up to reveal a dense swampy area covered in moss laden trees and fog.
There was no way that marsh could have existed anywhere around the steep and dry Foothills. This was a portal to another place in the world.

Leo was about to turn and flee the anomaly when his entire body went numb, as if some unseen force was holding him still. He turned his head slightly to see that both Jay and Kelly were experiencing something similar.

From the other side of the rift, Leo heard the thudding of footsteps, heavy, mechanical-like footsteps. The thudding grew increasingly louder as whatever creature they belonged to got closer to the opening in the air.
Leo was just about to think that the situation couldn’t get any worse when a cold feeling washed over him. It was as if his mind was suddenly stuck in a freezer.
Leo would have rather put up with the mental cold then hear the voice.

“Warning: Biotics detected in target destination. Threat level: Indefinite. Code: Trace, Identify, Nullify, Dispatch, Depart. Proceed with biotic-sterilization protocol. Procedure: Engaged.”
The voice was cold and emotionless, like a machine. Leo was almost certain that this was some sort of fever dream produced by his broken mind. If that’s what this is, then I don’t have to take this seriously, he reasoned as a strange feeling of calmness came over him.

“What in the name of Mew was that?!” Kelly yelled as the portal glowed bright white and exploded.

“The variables are in place, and the candidate has received the notice. All that is needed now is his… confirmation. I must report this development. They will be happy to know things are …moving in their favor. But first I feel compelled to inform my other …client that his …investment is starting to … pay off. My employers do not see that their gambit for freedom will lead to … consequences unforeseen. Their actions will be felt across the entire realm.”

End Chapter Four


Author’s Notes:
Finally done! Wow, this chapter took a while to write (even though it was shorter then the last chapter …)
I decided to not have much happen action-wise in this chapter due to what happens next chapter. Instead, I tried to show a bit of what’s really going on in the world, bad stuff, indeed. Speculation as to what exactly the voice is to begin in three … two … one …
And yes, I meant “Oren Berry” with an “e” in the job description.

So, Leo has used his first move, Slash. Even if it was horribly done, it’s still a milestone for him.
Some parts of it weren’t too fun to write and delayed me quite a bit, but I worked through them in the end.
Anyways, this is the first chapter where I can say with full confidence that things are starting to happen. That’s right, we’re nearly out of the first arc of the story!

Moving on, I’d like to thank my beta readers for going through this chapter and helping me fix the errors in it. Without them this would not be nearly as enjoyable for you to read. So again, my thanks to them.

And finally, I still like hearing from my readers. So feel free to comment on anything that you find interesting, or anything you want to point out in the story.
Chapter Five will be here eventually, as will the resolution to the cliffhanger I left you all with. So, until then,

Knightfall signing off …;005;

Edit: Wow, over 3,000 views!

Azurus
3rd August 2012, 9:04 PM
Near the end where you describe the portal as "a impressionist painting" it should be "an"

I found 2 other minor errors but I'll have to wait until later to point them out.

Anyway, I recognize a lot of these characters tho the mismagius and magmortar are new to me.

I wonder why Leo just didn't concentrate again to use slash.

The plot is definitely picking up, and increasingly paranoid guards will surely be a hassle for Leos group in the future.

Knightfall
3rd August 2012, 9:13 PM
Near the end where you describe the portal as "a impressionist painting" it should be "an"

I found 2 other minor errors but I'll have to wait until later to point them out.


Fixed, the first one, not the other two. Yet.


Anyway, I recognize a lot of these characters tho the mismagius and magmortar are new to me.


We might be seeing them again in the future, we'll just have to wait and see.



I wonder why Leo just didn't concentrate again to use slash.

The plot is definitely picking up, and increasingly paranoid guards will surely be a hassle for Leos group in the future.

Because, it wouldn't have been funny if he was able to get his claw out of that tree easily. And he doesn't really know how to use it that well yet, so that's another reason why.

Indeed it is, the next chapter is going to have a lot going on that's plot related. As for this chapter, I was able to fit in some foreshadowing of future events.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Azurus
4th August 2012, 12:11 AM
"but it was an easy mission and it was exactly was they needed"
the second was should be what.

The scene where Blade jumps on the table and fires 2 leaf blades into golduck, you don't need to mention his name again, just replace it with "and" and remove the period. It makes the sentence flow easier.

"slight his concentration slightly" while correct could perhaps be worded better.

I think that's all of them. Oh, I'm not quite sure but I believe you don't need this thing (') wnen saying something belongs to someone. Example, Leos Claws, and when you add the apostraphe it's like this, Leo's Claws = Leo is Claws. I'm not sure if I'm forgetting something with apostraphe use but I believe I'm correct.
Anyway you have a lot of those.

*a security token was missing and we couldn't ... blah blah*
I hate that message.

Knightfall
4th August 2012, 12:48 AM
I'll get to fixing the first three when I get back to a computer.

The last one though, I'm pretty sure is correct. It is true that you use an ' to show blank-is but when used with a name or something like that, it makes it possessive.
So, Leo's claw would be correct.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Brutaka
4th August 2012, 1:43 AM
I think that's all of them. Oh, I'm not quite sure but I believe you don't need this thing (') wnen saying something belongs to someone. Example, Leos Claws, and when you add the apostraphe it's like this, Leo's Claws = Leo is Claws. I'm not sure if I'm forgetting something with apostraphe use but I believe I'm correct.

Actually, Knightfall has it right.

Now, for my findings(mostly minor):


“Now, I must inform you all that your stay in our guild is almost over. The Guildmaster requests that your entire team vacate the premises now that all of your wounds have been stabilized and treated. You have fifteen minutes to gather your things and leave,” Rosaline informed the reunited team.

While it is correct, its a much easier read if you add 'that' where I did for you. Other wise it sounds too formal and uptight, even for this kind of mood.


“If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of, Madam Lucario, is her name, I believe.

Should be a semicolon between 'of' and 'Madam', as they are able to be two separate sentences. Alternatively, breaking the sentences up and righting the second one as 'Her name is Madam Lucario, I believe' makes the sentence much easier to read and a lot less jerky.


“Well, at least we got time to breathe in there,” Leo said snidely to Jay, who was looking very much relieved now that they were out of the guild.

I don't like the word 'snidely'. Its just weird. It breaks the flow of the sentence up. Though I have no idea how to fix this, its just something to think about.


“Icarus, I think it’s time you gave us that reward you insisted about not talking about earlier,” Jay said to the Pidgeotto, changing the subject from the guild.

The first 'about' should be replaced with 'on'. Otherwise you'd have two 'about's within two words of each other :/


“You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.
“Me, too. I’m not really in the mood right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.

In Kelly's response, 'Me, too' shouldn't be used. He's asking her a question that expects a sort of negative answer. 'Me, too' is the typical response for an agreement in a positive note, if that makes any sense. Saying something like 'No, I'm not either.' would work. In fact, writing her line as: “No, me neither. Actually, I am in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” would work much, much better. In my opinion, at least.


“So, nothing? You have nothing to give us for all of our work yesterday getting you out of that Arceus forsaken meadow?!” Jay asked, his temper breaking through his calm exterior.
Icarus backed up as Jay took a step forward.
“H-hey! L-let’s not get h-hasty, Jay. W-we can talk something out….Leo, Kelly, would you two please help me out here?!” Icarus squawked, once he backed into a wall of a building.
“You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.
“Me, too. I’m not really in the mood right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.
“G-guys? C-come on, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me here with him!” Icarus pleaded.

“Sure, I’m starving. Do you know some place that has some of those Peachy berries?” Leo asked as he walked off with Kelly into the Square.
Kelly laughed, “Pecha berries, and I know a place that’s great. Come on.”

Jay smirked as he cracked his knuckles, “Let’s have a little …chat, Icarus.”
“Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.

Know what's wrong here? One of the basic rules of dialogue I very much hope you learn quickly: When starting a new dialogue by a different person, it starts a new paragraph. So when ending one persons dialogue(when anothers is about to start), enter, then enter again, then start the next persons dialogue. I dont know if that was just a oversight or what, but you do this throughout the entire chapter. Because it should go:

“So, nothing? You have nothing to give us for all of our work yesterday getting you out of that Arceus forsaken meadow?!” Jay asked, his temper breaking through his calm exterior.

Icarus backed up as Jay took a step forward. “H-hey! L-let’s not get h-hasty, Jay. W-we can talk something out….Leo, Kelly, would you two please help me out here?!” Icarus squawked, once he backed into a wall of a building.

“You know, Kelly, I’m not really in the mood for rescuing right now. How about you?” Leo asked, as Kelly laughed.

“Me, too. I’m not really in the mood right now. Actually, I’m in the mood for something to eat. You want to come, Leo?” she answered as panic filled Icarus’s eyes.

“G-guys? C-come on, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me here with him!” Icarus pleaded.

“Sure, I’m starving. Do you know some place that has some of those Peachy berries?” Leo asked as he walked off with Kelly into the Square.

Kelly laughed, “Pecha berries, and I know a place that’s great. Come on.”

Jay smirked as he cracked his knuckles, “Let’s have a little …chat, Icarus.”

“Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.

Does that help?


The shop they entered was a small structure that appeared to be built out of an amalgamation of tree trunks and cut rock lashed together with rope. The fact that it was standing was probably breaking several basic laws of physics.

Brilliant! I love those kind of descriptions. Ah, they make me crack up...


“Management here don’t like attacks going off on the premises, so we’re going before they get onto us. We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet.
That hasn't yet what?, or That hasn't what yet? I feel theres a word missing...


Remain calm citizens, official Loyalty Square Police business.

Comma needed between 'calm' and 'citizens'. At least, im pretty sure there needs to be one.


The five Magnemite that had surrounded the table had swarmed the stunned blue duck Pokemon. They tried to electrocute the Pokemon, but he managed to dodge their charge by jumping to the side.

the second use of ' the Pokemon' could be changed to 'he/it', and the 'he' after it could be 'the Pokemon'. This spreads the usage of each description to alleviate repetition


“What in the name of Mew was that?!” Kelly yelled as the portal glowed bright white and exploded.
i like your use of legendaries as deities that normal pokemon would swear to. However, you already said something similar to that phrase with Arceus earlier. Try mixing it up. So far you have 'What in Arceus' name was that?' or something of that nature, and 'Zapdos save me'. Perhaps try 'By Dialga, what was that?' or something like that. Feel free to think about it. Make up your own swear phrases, if needed.

Anyways, aside from those minor nitpicks, this was all in all, a great chapter. I love how the mood is a sort of darker tone that the traditional PMD stories. The memory snippets lose me occasionally, but Im sure they'll make sense with time.

Azurus
4th August 2012, 3:58 AM
Thanks Knightfall and Brutaka for correcting my assumption of being correct, a simple dive through my memories of english class reaffirmed that I was wrong.

Holy Pokeballs, Brutaka, you noticed a ton of stuff more than 4 people combined, though with the magmortars line, it is said fine since he is referring to that place being the only one who has not banned them from that locale. Made perfect sense to me anyway.

Brutaka
4th August 2012, 4:08 AM
Holy Pokeballs, Brutaka, you noticed a ton of stuff more than 4 people combined, though with the magmortars line, it is said fine since he is referring to that place being the only one who has not banned them from that locale. Made perfect sense to me anyway.

Well...
"We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet. "
The two parts dont agree 100%. I get what he's saying, but even still. I think
"We can’t get banned from here; it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t banned us yet. "
would be better, or even
"We can’t get banned from here, since it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet." (though even this one doesnt sound great.)

The second half just isnt complete to me.

Maybe "We can’t let them give us a ban here; it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t yet." though that might be changing it too much :/
And as far as noticing stuff, I kept what JX Valentine said to me on my story in my mind and I basically proofread as I read the story.

Knightfall
4th August 2012, 9:46 PM
Thanks, Brutaka. I'll get to fixing those in a minute. I'll see what I can do about that line Blaize (Magmortar) has, hopefully I can clear that up.
As Azurus said, you noticed a lot of errors that eluded not only myself, but my editing crew as well. So, thanks for shedding light on that.

Oh yeah, anyone who can guess what I based this voice off of gets a cookie:


“Warning: Biotics detected in refuge destination. Threat level: Indefinite. Code: Trace, Identify, Nullify, Dispatch, Depart. Proceed with biotic-sterilization protocol. Procedure: Engaged.”

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Brutaka
4th August 2012, 10:00 PM
If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of, Madam Lucario, is her name, I believe.
I just realized there was something wrong in my fixing of this sentence. Or, at least something I needed to mention. The comma between 'Lucario' and 'is' is wrong. While you still need the semicolon where I told you, the simplest fix to that quote would actually be.
"If you don’t want to use that method, there is a talented aura user I know of; Madam Lucario is her name, I believe."
The reason the comma isn't supposed to be there is because your not addressing her. The times when you'd use commas like what be like "Lucario, look at that!" and not when saying things like "Lucario looked at that."

Azurus
4th August 2012, 10:52 PM
Looks like I don't get a cookie, there could be several voices used, tho I want to think of someone from Portal since I haven't played Half-life and from what I know of you those are what play most. I don't know about movies tho.

Also make sure to seperate all dialogue into new paragraphs as warranted, it looks like you just did Brutakas example.

Brutaka
4th August 2012, 10:57 PM
Looks like I don't get a cookie, there could be several voices used, tho I want to think of someone from Portal since I haven't played Half-life and from what I know of you those are what play most. I don't know about movies tho.
I've played Portal 2, and i dont think its anything from there...



Also make sure to seperate all dialogue into new paragraphs as warranted, it looks like you just did Brutakas example.
yea, what Azurus said. I thought I told you that you did the same thing throughout the whole chapter...

Knightfall
5th August 2012, 12:31 AM
I did what Brutaka suggested, and used his example, but I wasn't able to edit the entire chapter's dialogue yet, because I had something to do.
I'll edit it fully in a little while.

And as for that voice, I'll give you a hint: it's the same voice actor as GLaDOS, different game.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Azurus
5th August 2012, 1:02 AM
Combine Overwatch Half life 2? If it is, it is quite fitting.

A simple asking of my brother revealed such things to me.

It's like your giving away cookies.

Brutaka
5th August 2012, 1:05 AM
Eh, the Combine Overwatch guys from Half-Life 2?

EDIT: arg, Azurus beat me :/

Azurus
5th August 2012, 1:16 AM
Eh, the Combine Overwatch guys from Half-Life 2?

EDIT: arg, Azurus beat me :/

How did I beat you? That was an entire 3 minutes after I posted, I think you just want a cookie too.

Brutaka
5th August 2012, 1:18 AM
no, i was checking Wikipedia and i hadnt reloaded the page before posting :/

Knightfall
5th August 2012, 2:28 AM
Both of you are correct, and Azurus, your brother has a fine taste in games :).
I based that voice off the Overwatch voice from HL2, and it does it, even if it is for reasons that only I know.

Here are your rewards: Cookies (http://www.literarychicago.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/two-cookies.jpg)
Have fun.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Sid87
5th August 2012, 2:40 PM
“I’m…not sure what’s going on anymore. Things are changing: guards are everywhere, He is always here, and they’re not telling us anything anymore. They’re hiding something, the administrator, I’m certain he’s in on it …. I’m going to find out what it is … I’m not sure what will happen to me, but I can’t go back. Not now, they know. Somehow, they know that I’m on to them, so it’s no use playing dumb. Not anymore.
I’m going to go …. into the restricted areas tomorrow, to see what I can find.
If I don’t come back ... whoever is reading this needs to make sure that what they’re doing is exposed … whatever that may be.”
Last known entry from the private journal of Ian the Breloom, former member of Team Frontier. Confirmed missing the day after this journal entry and has not been heard from since

Oh, but I do so enjoy the random quotes at the beginning of each chapter. They hint at so much.


Within the darkness of the dream, something stirred. At first, they sounded like distant voices, but like a tidal wave approaching shore, their soft whispers grew until they resembled the tortured screams of the damned.
Leo clutched the sides of his head in an attempt to block out their screams, but he heard them anyways as their amplified voices circled around him.

I like the first paragraph. Good imagery. The second paragraph, I would maybe change the bolded part to read something like "but they broke through this barrier". It's a little more powerful, and I don't dig the "anyway" anyway. :)


“Reality is the story the mind tells itself. A truth so strange it can only be lied into existence and our minds can lie. Never doubt it.”

“What’s this? Real, or just my lying mind again?”

The first bolded section, I just don't get. Am I reading it wrong? It doesn't seem to make sense. Is that the point? The seconded bolded part I'm ASSUMING is supposed to be "reality", not "real".


[i]“Unless you wish for your mind’s descent into madness to accelerate, I suggest you wake up, Leo. Wake up … and see past the corruption.”

I'm telling you: grammar errors and the like aside, I am amazingly impressed at your storytelling for someone your age. This section was really a great tease. Whose voices are these? What are they saying? Good questions!


Leo awoke with a start.

Kind of a cliche. I would avoid that and maybe just skip to the next line about his flailing and what not.


Deciding that nothing productive would come of him staying in bed, he swung his legs over the side of the haystack and he hopped down.

The bolded part should be "of HIS staying". EVERYONE makes that mistake, though, so no worries. The noun of that sentence is actually "staying", since it is a gerund, so you use the adjective "his" to describe the staying. Does that make sense? I'm awful at describing the rules of grammar. :)


Leo looked up at his rescuer, she, or at least it sounded feminine, appeared to be a walking plant blub with a red, oversized, hat-like flower set almost sideways on her leaf green “hair”. Her pale white face was looking down on her renegade patient with a mixture of concern and disapproval.

I would set the bolded part off with parentheses instead of commas, since the section in there is less important than the rest of the sentence. Maybe "she (at least it sounded feminine to Leo) appeared..." Also, I can't quite distinguish what this is. I thought a Vileplume at first with the red oversized flower, but then the green hair threw me off. Bellosom? But a pale white face? Darn, I can't picture this pokemon.



he plant-bulb Pokemon chuckled at the scene. Leo looked up at her with a small dribble of Pecha juice remaining on his lips, which he cleaned with a swipe of his tongue. He didn’t care if she thought him as ill-mannered, odd, or just plain weird; that berry was perhaps the best experience he’d had so far in this world, and he wasn’t going to let anyone ruin it for him.

Cute paragraph. I enjoyed that.


The nurse sensed his confusion. “I’m a Lilligant; my species aren’t normally seen around here, so I’m not surprised that you don’t know. You may call me Rosaline.”

Oh damn! Lilligant. Shoulda known that. :)


Just as the nurse was about to resort to using a Sleep Seed she carried on her for such a situation, the door opened and in walked Jay, Kelly, and to Leo’s surprise, Icarus. All of them looking healthy and happy, except Icarus who was not pleased with the sling his right wing was set in.

Maybe change that to say "except Icarus, who seemed displeased with the..." or something like that. It's a small thing, but it maintains consistency of narration. Leo doesn't KNOW Icarus is displeased, so as a narrator, he has to guess at it (much like the narration notes that Jay and Kelly LOOK happy and healthy).


Leo’s heart flooded with relief. “You’re alright, that’s … great,” he said, his breaths slowing as his fear induced heart rate returned to normal.

Just a pet peeve of mine: "Alright" is not a word. It's okay for colloquial writing (like on Twitter or Facebook or in a private message), but if you are writing "professionally" or for a project, it should be "all right". It's not like All ready and already where it is its own separate word.


“This is a hospital. Not an arena. If you wish to carry on your argument, you will do so outside. Do you understand?” she scolded as she slowly let go of their mouths.

Rosaline is, of course, another fun Knightfall secondary character. I already have the sense of her character. She is warm and caring, but also very strict in adherence to rules and standards.


Leo shook her hands off his head, “You’re asking the amnesiac if he remembers anything. That makes perfect sense,” Leo said with a laugh.

Ha! :)


“Well, a Psychic Pokemon who’s very developed in their abilities could delve into Leo’s mind and attempt to remove the amnesia, but if one thing goes wrong, it could land your friend with a much bigger problem then missing memories,” she elaborated.

The bolded part should be "his or her" (or just "his" or "her" if Rosaline has a particular psychic type in mind) to maintain consistency with the subject.


“Zapdos, save me …” Icarus whimpered.

Heh. Cute line.

-Actually, on my way here, I noticed something, but did not quote it: You describe the foyer of the hospital as being amazingly large to Leo, and then said something like "as any rescue team member could tell you, it was 10 feet tall" or something. That's another break in narrative consistency since Leo doesn't know that. I would just stick to saying Leo thought it was really big, and noticed it should be able to securely contain even a large Onix.


“Management here don’t like attacks going off on the premises, so we’re going before they get onto us. We can’t get banned from here, it’s the only place left in town that hasn’t locked their doors to us yet. See you both around, and good luck with your future rescuin’,” Blaize told them as he and his group hastily exited the building before said management could get onto them.

I'm curious as to whether Blaize is actually a good guy or not. He seems willing to break basic laws just for fun (using his attacks in public), and just seems....kind of gruff. I'm keeping an eye on him!


The green gecko grinned, “Thanks mate, appreciate it,” he said as he called for his two companions to take their places at the table. One was a regal looking creature with white fur and a sharp black crescent attached to the side of his head, and the other was a dragon with large red eyes and a pair of diamond-shaped wings on its back.

I feel better that ever since the Lilligant, I've been able to discern everything else you've described (the Magmortar, Mismagius , and now Grovyle, Absol, and Flygon [I'm a little shaky on Flygon, but I think that's it]). Good job describing all of them.


[i]“See past the corruption …” Leo jerked his head up, suddenly alert.

He quickly looked around the table: Jay and Kelly were talking, as were Blade, Elliot, and Sonic, and no one was behind him. Who said that?, Leo pondered, as his thoughts were suddenly cut short by a loud burst of familiar static.

Oh ho ho! How intriguing. I wonder if this is just an odd flashback or memory cued by something around Leo, or if the voice is speaking to him again now that he's awake. Very nice work. And, it seems, as soon as the question arises, it looks like it's going to get buried as the Magnemites (yay!) hit the scene. Good, solid tease.


-Okay, I'm about to eat breakfast and spend some morning time with the wife. Hopefully I will have a chance to finish this chapter's review later this afternoon!

Brutaka
5th August 2012, 5:24 PM
Oh, wow Sid, I didn't even catch most of that. Of Course, I didn't start actually proofreading until a little bit into the story, but even still, you caught a lot. I'm sure Knightfall will appreciate it.

Knightfall
5th August 2012, 6:11 PM
Of course I appreciate it!
I went ahead and fixed all the errors you pointed out.
I'm hoping that this chapter is an improvement over the last ones since you've pointed out less errors then usual and you're more then half-way through the chapter.
The quotes at the beginning are supposed to be that way: confusing and not making much sense. After all I got the two quotes in question from a schizophrenic scientist: Doug Rattmann.
When it says "What's this? Real ..." the word "real" is refering to if what he's seeing is real, not a hallucination. So I guess "reality" could work as well, but I like it as is.

I eagerly await the rest of your review, and I hope you enjoyed your breakfast with your wife.
I'm working on the next section of the review for Brother's, and let me say, I loved the latest chapter.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Sid87
5th August 2012, 7:52 PM
“BZZT! Remain calm, citizens, official Loyalty Square Police business. Stay back,” one of the units said. Leo wasn’t paying attention to him, he, along with everybody else in the room was looking around the Magnemite to see what was going on.

After "Leo wasn't paying attention to him" should be a semi-colon, not a comma. Or a period. Also, after "everyone else in the room" should be a comma to fully separate the clause from the rest of the sentence.


The Pokemon desperately looked at the other Pokemon, “I haven’t done anything wrong! What are you doing?!” he yelled as the Magnemite tightened their circle around him.

That first bit reads really awkwardly. Just say "The Golduck" so as not to repeat "pokemon" (especially since one instance is singular and the other is plural.


The units continued firing their attacks despite the risk of hitting the other Pokemon. Jack’s hands glowed again and this time he sent a wave of psychic energy at the police units, knocking the remaining five units backwards.

Another case where I think another word would work because there are a lot of things "pokemon" could be referring to here. I'd change it to "by-standers" or "patrons" or "customers".


After the Magnemite left, the patrons started murmuring and conversing once more. Leo could hear only snippets of their hushed dialogue, “… again, it’s happened again.”, “Jack never did anything …”, “… third raid this week ...”, “… to far this time …”

So this pretty much confirms that the Magnemites (or the regime they work for) is corrupt. That explains WHAT the voice in Leo's head is saying, if not what the voice itself is. Who is it that knows what's going on? How are they in Leo's head? So interesting.


Leo snapped back into focus when Jay tapped him on his back, “I think it’s time we go. We don’t want to stay here too long, otherwise we’ll be the next ones offending one of their asinine laws,” Jay warned as Leo nodded, taking a last look at the overturned table and the many smoking scorch marks in the walls and furniture.

The "as" there implies that Leo is nodding before Jay even finishes talking, so...what is he nodding to? I'd change that to an "and".


Once they had departed the café, they parted ways with Blade and his team who told them to watch their backs as they left. Apparently, Jay had also been to the job boards while he was dealing with Icarus and accepted a mission, though he never got the chance to tell them in the restaurant.

Couple things here: There should be a comma before the bolded "who", and the accepted should be "had accepted" since the first verb is "had also been".


“What you weren’t able to do yesterday against Jumpluff. Hopefully, we can jog your memory and get a move or two back,” Jay told him, as they all stopped in the middle of a clearing ringed by trees. “This should be a good place.”

I don't know if it's supposed to be, but the "What you weren't able to do yesterday" line got a chuckle out of me. Especially because it was Jay and not Kelly. I just read it as sarcastic, I guess.


Even though he could turn around to prove it, he was certain that he heard Kelly’s laugh mixed in with Jay’s.

Is that supposed to be "couldn't"? Since he's stuck in the tree?


-Congrats on your 3000+ views. :)

-I like the introduction of the mysterious inner voice. Obviously (well, maybe not, but it seems so to me), the scientists from the prologue had something to do with it; they seemed pretty unhappy with their king, too. But what do they know about the pokemon world? Hmmm.

-The pacing is still fantastic for a story that still has far to go. Like you said, Leo JUST learned an attack, and this story's got to be, what, 40+ pages in a word processor? At least, right?

-You are correct in that there were many fewer basic errors at this point, so good work on getting through those!

-Also, on a selfish note, I'm glad you are still enjoying Brothers' Bond, and I look forward to your next batch of thoughts when you get a chance to finish them. :)

Azurus
5th August 2012, 9:04 PM
"third raid this week...to far this time." the "to" should be "too", correct?

Knightfall
5th August 2012, 10:36 PM
Thanks Sid, I fixed them all. Some of those were just grammar errors that got overlooked.

I'm glad you've noticed the voice and the events that happen after Leo hears it. I can tell you that it is a single voice in his head, and that you can expect more "direct intervention" from it in the future.
Ah the human world, what mysteries abound within it! Unfortunately the time has not come to reveal those details yet, but I can tell you that the humans and the voice Leo is hearing aren't as closely related as you might think.
The cause for the voice is elsewhere.

It's long, the storyboard where the plot is outlined is about twenty-four pages long. The chapters (prologue excluded) can range anywhere from fifteen to twenty-five pages. With all four chapters and prologue it's about 86 pages long ... God, did I really write that much? And there's still so much left to do... wow.

I'm glad my grammar is improving, and this is the first chapter I've sent through a Beta Reader before posting, so that got rid of a lot of errors. And my other reviewers seemed to be having a contest on how many errors they could find .... though I'm fine with that!

That's my next goal along with Chapter Five: catch up to the current chapter in your fic.

I'm glad you're enjoying this, and I hope to continue to write quality stuff for you to read.

Oh, and Azurus, you are correct with the "to" needing to be a "too". Another simple grammar oversight.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

muchmula
10th August 2012, 2:16 PM
Sorry for the late review.

First off thanks for the PM. Didn't realize you were doing that till now.

Great chapter overall, although I expected it to explain just a little more how Jay and Kelly got back, considering the huge hoard of pokemon attacking them described last chapter.

The restaurant fight scene was done very well, and Leo finally used a move!!

Finally,the new banner is much better than the old one. And thanks for putting an absol in!!

Knightfall
10th August 2012, 3:02 PM
It's all right, any review is perfectly welcome at any time.

I just started doing that, I figured it'd be more efficient to let people know there's a new chapter out.

They told Leo that their badges brought them and Icarus back to the guild, but Leo was delayed by a few minutes due to connection difficulties.

Thank you, that scene was a last mintue addition, and I was worried about how it would come out. Glad you liked it.
And yes, Leo has finally used a move. Will he get the hang of it though? Find out next chapter.

I have Brutaka to thank for the banner, his work is awesome. And the Absol was a character I planned on having for a little while now, but I'm glad you like him all the same.

Anyways, Chapter Five's progress is in my signature. I'm trying my best to get it completed in a shorter time span then the others. So, wish me luck.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Saph~
15th August 2012, 4:49 PM
This Story has a Jolteon in it!!!! ;D It took me about 1 hour to read up to read up to here, so far I like it! I didn't find any errors, I think that's because other people got to them first. You have a new reader. :)

Knightfall
15th August 2012, 5:18 PM
I take it you like Jolteon. :)
Thank you for reading this; it's great to know I can attract new readers.

Anyways, glad you're enjoying this, and there will be more of Kelly in the story.
Chapter Five is coming along very well, I hope to have it completed very soon.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

jireh the provider
16th August 2012, 6:44 AM
Hmmm ... this is an interesting intake of you PMD saga.

The first human experiment to ever arrived in the Pokemon world. But those scientists make it kind of vague.

But he started in a forbidden dungeon? Wow! Talk about like he entered like a gateway to the unknown. Much like Twilight princess in a way of holes in a dungeon.

I think yours got a nice input of the Medieval conflicts like that treason of Golduck, if I'm right. Or even on Gear's case of orders. I guess our hero's case would be good enough for him to escape.

Knightfall
16th August 2012, 12:27 PM
Thank you for commenting, I always like it when a new reader shows up.

The prologue was deliberately made to be somewhat vague, so there's still an air of mystery about what their true intentions were.

Glad you like the concept of the forbidden dungeon, it was actually a last minute idea I wrote in shortly before I posted the chapter. The idea of a dungeon trapping you inside was too good to pass up.

The whole conflict between the police and the citizens was another last minute idea, though it looks like it went over quite well. We'll be seeing more of this in the future, so I won't say too much now.

Anyways, I'm glad that you like my humble work of fiction, and I hope to continue producing more enjoyable work.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Knightfall
18th August 2012, 9:31 PM
Author’s Warning: This chapter does contain some content that actually reaches the PG-13 rating I put on this story. It’s only for a few scenes, so I think it’s all right for most people. Just keep that in mind.

Chapter Five: Interference

“… In short, the Intradimensional rifts appearing between the spatial anomalies known as Mystery Dungeons are a phenomenon of unexplained proportions. Commonly known as Dungeon Links, these tears in the dimensional fabric occasionally appear within dungeons, serving as temporary spans across time and space variants allowing for instant traveling between dungeons that are far in proximity from each other.
As far as we can tell, these Links follow a set pattern, appearing in the same dungeons every time. It is unknown how these rifts were created, though several theories are in circulation, which will be discussed at another time.

We thank the esteemed explorer, Dusknoir, for sharing his vast wisdom on this matter, and his strange knowledge of next week’s lunch schedule. And as a note to all employees, if anyone knows of this “Grovyle” Pokemon he’s talking about, then please by all means, contact an administrator.”
Excerpt from the report of Trinity Isle Research and Archive associate, Alakazam, on the enigmatic Dungeon Link. Published approximately three and a half years ago.


Leo found that the paralysis on his body had lifted as he was blown backwards from the shattering portal. As he tried to get his bearings in his dizzied state, he was suddenly greeted with a grating, mechanical voice.

“I refuse! They can’t possibly be that much of a threat!” the clearly masculine voice said. Leo cringed as the shrill sound of it was equal to a dozen chalkboards being scratched by razor blades.

“Priority code: detain, disinfect, dispose,” the cold feminine voice was completely opposite from the prior voice.
Leo’s vision slowly cleared, and as it did so, his jaw dropped at what he saw. An unholy lovechild of tank and crab stood in front of where the portal used to be, its sturdy, blue legs stretching up to give it a view of the area.

“Lugia’s storm … w-what is that?” Jay asked, fear penetrating every syllable of his question. Neither Leo nor Kelly had the answer to his question, or had time to give him one, as the creature started to move again.

The giant crab tank swiftly turned around to face the stunned team, its blood red eyes looking at them for a moment before shifting to another object.

“You didn’t say this would happen! Why didn’t you tell me I’d have to do this?!” It wasn’t a normal question, it was a crazed plea to an unknown entity.

In the midst of his confusion at nearly everything that was happening, Leo found an answer as to who “you” was when the cold, feminine voice spoke again.

“Infestation detected within proximity. Code: Sanitize, Expunge, Relocate.”
The emotionless voice seemed to resonate from within the creature’s discus-shaped head, seemingly acting as a guiding voice to its lost host.

“I-I can’t! I can’t kill them! Don’t make me do it! Please!” the creature cried, its red eyes almost in tears.

“Malcompliance behaviors within Metagross: Wire unit will not be tolerated. Code: comply, control, counter, cauterize.”

Leo cautiously backed away from the steel monster, which seemed to be in the midst of a mental breakdown. He gave a panicked glance to both of his teammates who seemed to have the same idea: get out of here without getting his attention.

“Contagions escaping containment area! Infection imminent! Code: cull, cleanse, clot,” the voice shrieked as the Metagross shook his head in deranged disagreement.

“No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I won’t do it! Don’t make me!” the giant Pokemon shrieked, pleading with the voice inside his head.

“When your mind has trapped you within itself, what else can you do but scream?”

The voice sent shivers down Leo’s spine. He looked quickly to his teammates, shaking away the voice and the bad omens it brought whenever it spoke. It was time to leave, and no voice inside his head was going to stop them. With a nod from Jay, they all turned away from the malfunctioning Metagross and began to sprint to the nearest dungeon path out of the room.

“Biogen breach! Code: override, containment field initiate!” the controlling voice shouted as Wire gave one last, agonized scream.
Not one of the team turned around to look, though they didn’t have a choice as they all ran face-first into a wall of invisible energy. The transparent wall rippled slightly as it bounced the members of Team Salient backwards, sending them sprawling on the ground.

Rubbing his sore nose, Leo dizzily turned around to see why they were trapped this time.

The Metagross unit shuddered, its four, metal legs stumbling around inside the ring of psychic energy it had created. Leo, you can’t escape the psychopath who’s trying to kill you by running away; that’d be too easy. How silly of me to forget, Leo grimly thought as the Pokemon who trapped them spoke.

“Testing, testing, one, two, three. Good, that’s still functioning. Overriding my counter-part isn’t always this successful. Now, what do I do with you three? Killing you is logical and disposing of your bodies has a ninety-two-point-five percent chance of success,” the Metagross said, its voice, however, not sounding anything like the slightly crazed, male tone they’d heard seconds before.
Swallowing her fear, Kelly took a step forward to the Pokemon that was now possessed by it’s own mind.

“What do you want? Why did you trap us here?” she asked, as the Metagross carefully eyed her.

“Your actions are causing complications to arise within our benefactor’s campaign. We have been dispatched to neutralize the threat … well, at least I was. Wire wasn’t so keen on accepting this mission as you can tell,” she said with indifference, as she began to circle around the team.

“Please don’t! Please don’t! Nexus, please don’t!” Wire’s distant voice continued to cry as Nexus repressed him further within his own mind.

“We haven’t done anything though!” she exclaimed as the Metagross narrowed its eyes, clearly bypassing what she’d just said completely.

“You have willingly cooperated with enemies of the Colonies. Now feel free to take a look through the swiftly closing aperture that remains of your lives. Engage!”

As soon as the last word passed through her voice processors, Leo, Kelly, and Jay were somehow lifted into the air by the Metagross and thrown violently against the energy barrier she had created.

He was sure he heard something inside his chest crack as he slid down to the ground, but he didn’t have time to properly examine himself as Nexus charged at him at a speed Leo thought impossible to achieve.

He quickly ducked to the side as a giant steel-spiked foot planted itself in the barrier where his head was seconds before. Unable to grab his exploration bag on the ground without getting flattened, he continued to play chicken with the rushing Nexus.

“You are aiding the corruption! Can’t you see?! You’re collaborating with traitorrraaaaaaaaahhhh!” Nexus screamed as her body was roped with chains of electricity. She stopped her efforts to reduce Leo’s skull to a waffle and shifted her attention to Kelly.

Kelly let loose another lightning attack from her charged fur as Nexus attempted to crush her with her legs. Leo groaned as a panting Jay quickly helped him to his feet.

“What’s going on?!” Leo yelled as Kelly was psychically thrown into the barrier by Nexus, causing her issue a pained yelp followed by a curse to Thundurus. She yelled in pain as she tried to run, lifting her left hind leg above the ground. Out of breath, Jay quickly mumbled something about his badge and escaping to Leo as he dashed to the opposite side of the death-ring.

Jay ran and scooped up his bag off the ground while Nexus was occupied with trying to permanently incapacitate Kelly. She was still somehow able to dodge the attacks despite her fractured hind leg, though the pain it caused her was sure to be immense.

As Jay turned his bag upside down and fervently looked for his badge, Leo tried to concentrate a Slash attack and simultaneously ignore the shooting pain in his chest.

Within seconds both sets of his claws became energized, and he ran directly at Nexus, who was about to flatten an exhausted Kelly.

Whatever remained of his sane mind screamed that this was a horrible idea and that he was going to die in his foolish attempt to help her, but he pushed it aside as he leapt past Nexus’s armored legs and onto the center of her head.

His claws still glowing with energy, Leo gripped onto the silver, X-shaped mustache on Nexus’s face. He held on as he prayed that Kelly got herself to safety.

This action didn’t go unnoticed by the possessed Metagross, who halted her execution of Kelly and proceeded to try and buck Leo off her head, screaming unsavory curses at him all the while. All through this, the faint cries of Wire still emitted from the Metagross as he tried to regain control of his body.

Just as Leo felt as if he was going to see the apples he ate earlier again, Nexus raised one of her legs, used the spikes on the ends of it to pinch Leo’s leg, and detached him from her face. His Slash-powered claws faded as his grip failed.

She dangled Leo in the air for a split second, as if deciding the most efficient way to break every bone in his body before she raised her leg back and hurtled him at the psychic barrier.

Leo heard another audible crack as his ribs lit on fire. Yeah, definitely broken. Hu-rah, he thought morbidly as he painfully picked himself up.
He got to his feet and walked, thankful that his body was producing numbing adrenaline as he looked over to his teammates.
His rodeo with Nexus had lasted only a few seconds, but to Leo it felt like it had lasted hours.
Jay held his badge in his hands as he jabbed the center button repeatedly, but he was interrupted when Nexus’s leg slammed into his back, knocking him to the ground and sent his badge skidding across the dirt.

“A predictable move for a Fighting type, taking the cowardly way out instead of facing up to the danger that threatens you and your teammates. I thought it would be the Charmeleon who tried to abandon ship first, but apparently I was wrong,” Nexus sneered as she psychically picked up the Riolu and his badge until he was level with her face.

“There is no place in the world for cowards like you,” she stated as she focused her mind to blast Jay backwards into the wall. She dropped his badge to the ground and smashed it with her spiked foot, the remains sparking slightly. Not sure of what he was doing, Leo leaped at Nexus, claws ready.


“Nexus, stop! No!” Wire screamed from inside his own mind, as he watched his body produced a psychic field and tossed around the innocent Riolu like a kit’s toy.

“You refused to cooperate and accomplish the task at hand, so I took the liberty of doing it for you. My guidance wasn’t enough for you, it seems. You know how draining overriding you is on me, so don’t think I’m doing this for my own reasons. It’s for the best,” Nexus responded to the trapped Metagross personality as she slammed his foot down, almost crushing the limping Kelly.

Wire said nothing as the Charmeleon ran forward to protect the Riolu, he watched as his front left leg straighten out and swing at the fire type’s head.

Wire growled, “You can’t kill them, Nexus. This is my body, not yours.”


Leo had just enough time to help Jay off the ground before he heard another roar from the steel crab. He turned around to face the creature only to catch a brief glimpse of one of its legs swinging toward his head.

Before he could react to the imminent threat, the limb connected. To Leo, it felt like a freight train had collided with the side of his head. Leo thought he would see stars, but an entire galaxy of supernovas filled his vision.

He couldn’t hear anything beyond the intense ringing in his ears and his own heartbeat. His heartbeat, combined with the flashes of white-hot pain from his skull were the only sensations telling him he wasn’t yet dead.

Maybe it was his body’s ability to heal remarkably fast, or just the adrenaline numbing the pain—Leo suspected the later— but after what only seemed a minute, he recovered most of his senses of sight and hearing. His head still hurt felt like it had been used as a wreaking ball on a building filled with primed dynamite, but he staggered to his feet regardless.

The first thing he saw was Jay playing a deadly game of chicken with the Metagross’s iron legs, deftly sprinting and changing direction as he ran around the beast. He suddenly stopped and slammed a glowing fist in the center of the “X” formed on its face.

The living computer let out a primal screech and let loose a Psychic attack at Jay. Leo watched his teammate get shoved into the dirt at sonic speeds. Nexus raised leg over Jay, and with no warning, she slammed it down.


It took all of his remaining strength, but Wire managed to regain control of his front leg, and halt its downward trajectory centimeters from the bracing Riolu’s face.

He managed to shove his limb away from the rescue team member as a wave of agony washed over him. He felt his body’s psychic powers activate as an infuriated Nexus hurtled the Riolu across the arena into the barrier. Jay fell to the dirt for a moment, as he tired and failed to get back up, refusing to give up the privilege of consciousness.

“This is treason, you know that? Of course you do. You may be the weaker of the two of us, but I know for a fact you’re not defective. An incompetent moron, yes, but not defective. Our benefactors will not be pleased when they find out about your decision to forego their orders,” Nexus scolded her counterpart, as Wire ignored her, and concentrated on forcing his body’s Bullet Punch attack to miss the fatigued Jolteon by a hair.

“You can’t keep this up, you know that, right? By the time my override of your body wears off, these pests’ corpses will be picked clean by passing Mandibuzz. There is nothing you can do, Wire. I’m not bragging, it’s an objective fact,” she said, as she tore his leg away from his control and swung it at the Charmeleon. Wire wasn’t able to stop it, but he managed to make the hit land hard on the Charmeleon’s stomach instead of lopping his head clean off as Nexus had intended.

“You can’t fight two battles at once, Nexus. I’ll defeat myself if I must,” Wire grunted, as he attempted to make his body fall to the ground.


“We’ll see about that, you half byte program,” Nexus growled, as her body shuddered slightly.

Leo doubled over, as he stumbled out of range of the Metagross. Collasping to his hands and knees, he couldn’t hold back the burning bile from his stomach, as he heaved most of what he’d eaten that day onto the dirt. Coughing hard, he tried to coax air back into his lungs.
He had no time to register the amount of pain he was in, as he saw a circular shadow rise above him. His mind shut down and his body took over, instinctively forcing him to roll to the left on the ground.

The ground shook slightly as Nexus rammed one of her front legs into the spot where Leo’s body had been a second before.
Just then, a bolt of lightning shot over his head. He heard Kelly let out a war-like cry and tackle the Metagross full force. She collided with the steel exterior of the Pokemon, her charged fur sending waves of electricity through the monster tank.

Nexus let out an involuntary yell as the energy coursed through her extremely conductive, steel body. Kelly fell to the ground in a heap, grimacing as she landed on her injured hind leg.

“Leo, … run,” she gasped right before she was psychically hoisted into the air and brutally slammed into the barrier. Her limp form slid to the ground; she barely kept conscious as she slowly tried to get back up again.

Nexus surveyed her surroundings, apparently pleased at seeing both Jay and Kelly barely conscious, and she turned her attention to Leo. He felt as if his body was paralyzed; he couldn’t move, he couldn’t flee, he couldn’t help his friends, he couldn’t do anything but stare as Nexus slowly approached him like the grim reaper. Her precise movements and cold, locking, stare proved more than capable of causing Leo’s legs to instinctively step backwards until his back was against the barrier.

“Charmeleon, you and your comrade’s crimes merit capital punishment. My benefactor was very much displeased with the news of your team’s actions in exposing one of our most successful espionage rings, and rescuing our prisoner of war,” Nexus said, as she slowly closed the gap between them. Leo gulped in fear.

“I would have very much liked to converse with the Riolu instead, but I sense something … different about you. It’s an intangible quality that makes you different then nearly every other Pokemon I’ve threatened before.” She got close to him and lifted her body up. Her face soon became only inches away from his, her fiery eyes boring into his skull.

“Tell me, what makes you so different? Wait. Why don’t I just take a look inside your mind and find out for myself?” she said as her eyes flashed golden for an instant. Leo shut his eyes and braced for whatever she was about to do to him, but after a few seconds of relatively nothing happening he gained the courage to open his eyes.

As soon as his eyes made contact with hers, he knew he fell for her trap. He couldn’t move at all, but he could feel her, casually browsing through his memories and the events of the past few days, unable to do anything to stop her. She ignored his efforts and occasionally mumbled to herself when she came across something interesting.

“My, my, you have some serious issues: major amnesia of the cerebrum, potential schizophrenia, and countless other problems. I think I might be doing the world a favor by killing a developing psychopath like you,” she said dully as he felt her leaf through through the pages of his mind

“Ah. Here it is,” she said wickedly as she found what she was looking for. Leo fought one last time to force her form his head, but Nexus merely chuckled.

“What’s so horrible that you can’t even trust your own teammates with it? Did you murder someone? You did, didn’t you?” she guessed with a metallic laugh.

Leo felt his anger rising. The only people allowed in my head are me, and a chorus of haunting voices! No one else!
As if something heard his thought, he felt the paralysis of his right arm fade just enough for him to regain control. Not about to waste the opportunity, he quickly produced a sloppily made Slash attack, and brought his energized claws down onto her armored face.

The possessed Metagross screamed in pain as she backed away from the Charmeleon slightly. With her concentration broken, Leo was freed from her psychic paralysis. He tried to run, but his legs wouldn’t respond out of sheer exhaustion.

Nexus yelled and immediately grabbed Leo with her Psychic and slammed him against the barrier. She raised her left leg and pressed it against his chest.
If she could, she would have smiled as she pushed her leg into him, squishing him between the barrier and her foot.

“You know what’s funny? I’m possibly the most advanced collection of knowledge on the entire planet that’s ever existed, and I’m stuck doing a filthy bounty hunter’s job catching you idiots. Even though you’re about to die, I feel compelled to impart some of my knowledge onto your pathetic mind before you go,” she said, enunciating each syllable with pure loathing.

“Did you know? Pressure,” she said as she pushed Leo against the field.

“is the ratio of force,” Nexus pressed harder against the pinned Charmeleon,

“to the area over which that force is distributed. Interesting fact, no?” Nexus gloated as Leo’s entire chest began to feel the surface of the sun as Nexus continued to ramble on how he and his worthless friends would soon be destroyed.

His ribs sent lightning to his nerves, forcing tears into his eyes as he tried not to pass out.
Air swiftly became a luxury he could no longer afford as the Metagross slowly crushed the life out of him. He faintly heard someone --- Kelly, possibly --- yelling his name in the distance, but he knew she was in no state to fight, let alone save his life.

His as lungs began to suffocate; he felt his heart speed up, using his remaining oxygen to power his mind for one last time. All this time the fire in his chest kept building up until it felt like someone has ignited a furnace inside his lungs.
The heat grew hotter and expanded in his lungs. In his weakening state, he didn’t know what his body was doing, but simply went along with it. An instant later, the fire in his chest ached to be released; it rose from his lungs and burned in his throat.

Not caring about the potential consequences, he opened his mouth and exhaled the remaining air from his lungs.
The heat suddenly forced its way from throat and out his mouth, combusting into a ball of fire as it touched the air. Leo’s head jerked back from the recoil as the newly formed Ember attack collided with Nexus’s face, exploding in a flash of fire and ash.



Nexus screeched, both inside and outside of her mind, as she staggered backwards from Leo, releasing her death grip on him. She swung her head side to side trying to alleviate the burn.
Wire would have grinned if he had a physical body to do so, the Charmeleon had performed better then he’d thought. I can still end this on my terms.

He’d had enough of this fight. He had to end it before she killed one of them. Wire concentrated his psyche and tackled his distracted counter-part with every bit of his mental strength. Nexus was broadsided by the onslaught from her physical and mental fronts, she couldn’t repress Wire any longer as his psyche rushed at her.
Wire wrestled for control of what was rightfully his body. He felt his limbs swing about in all directions as control over them quickly shifted from him to her and back again.
He heard Nexus scream and felt her resisting to give up her influence over his body. Just as he almost tipped the balance of the battle against her, she pushed him back in a fit of hellish fury.

Wire felt as she ripped control of his legs away from him, and charged forward at the still recovering Charmeleon. There was no warning, no “any last words?”, no threats, no chance of a miraculous escape, as the spiked appendage slashed downwards onto the Charmeleon.

Wire let out an enraged, feral roar and lunged at Nexus. She’d made him kill the Charmeleon in cold blood. She’d taken an innocent life, now she’d pay for his blood.


Surprisingly, Leo didn’t feel the initial attack, it didn’t seem real. Only a faint twinge of discomfort reminded him that he’d been hit at all. He put one foot forward, his lungs unable to breathe for some odd reason.

He planted his left foot next to his right, his legs felt like they were being turned into gelatin. He heard someone shrieking his name, or at least he thought it was his name, he couldn’t really tell as all the sound gradually turned into a annoying ringing noise.

He looked around for where the shout had come from. Straight ahead was a Metagross busy having a spasm as electricity laced its form, now why was it here? Was he friendly? Leo couldn’t remember.

He turned his head to the left. He saw Jay dizzily getting up from the ground. Wait. Why was he on the ground? Had he been attacked by something?
He shrugged his strangely heavy shoulders in confusion; he would ask him about that later when they got back to town.

Finally, he looked to the right where Kelly was shouting at him, or at least, he thought she was. Her mouth was moving, but no sound came out. She suddenly started running toward him … in slow motion? Why was she running in slow motion? That didn’t make sense, only Jay was allowed to slow down time since he was the team leader, that was his job. She’d probably get into trouble with the Magnemite for disobeying the team rules.

Leo saw that she was trying to say something to him again as she slowly made her way across the area to him, ignoring the pain her back leg brought her. Why was she in such a hurry? Why was her leg broken? What was her problem?

That’s it! She just wants to congratulate me on winning the flying contest! Jumpluff never stood a chance against me, Leo thought as his body suddenly felt a lot lighter. He felt like he was a cloud, free of the imposing law of gravity.
He waved to Kelly, a grin plastered on his face as he felt his legs disappear. He floated down until his knees touched the ground. Who needs legs when I can fly? Leo thought giddily as he let out a laugh at his own joke.

Leo felt something wet and sticky pooling around his knees. Looking down, he saw that it was only a growing puddle blood. He was glad it wasn’t Kelly’s drink he’s sipped at the café, that’d be horrible.

Then it struck him. Is that blood? He slowly lowered his gaze downwards to his chest. That’s blood. A long, jagged, gash made it’s way across Leo’s chest like a serpent. That’s … blood. Upon closer inspection it seemed to run from his lower ribcage to his stomach, it was deep, and it was leaking a constant waterfall of crimson. That’s my blood!

As soon as it became real to him, the fragile air of calm his brain struggled to project to keep his heartbeat low shattered. Leo’s pulse nearly soared as he clutched the wound with his claws, trying to attach his torn scales and flesh back together.

Adrenaline could only numb away so much pain and give so much false energy before it failed like everything else in his body. The true pain of being brutally sliced open and the sudden weakness of major blood loss hit him like one of the Metagross’s legs. Shock firmly gripped his body as Leo fell face first to the ground, unable to move a muscle.

Time seemed to catch up with him as Kelly suddenly appeared at his side and gingerly turned his head so that he was looking up. He felt his entire body suddenly become cold; shock was taking its toll on him.

Leo faintly saw the color in her yellow-furred face drain into a dull grey, as the world around him fade to black and white. Kelly seemed to be frantically looking around for anything to stop the bleeding, but there was nothing close to them except a battered pink scarf from her satchel.

She gently placed the scarf on the wound, and vainly tried to stabilize the gash, bloodying it and her paws up in the process.
As his sight began to fade to black, he saw her eyes well up with tears. She screamed something at him, but he couldn’t hear her.
His head fell back onto the dirt with a thud. The last thing he saw before his vision turned black was the flame on his tail flicker weakly and go out with a puff of grey smoke.



To say Leo felt surprised when he opened his eyes again would be a gross understatement. He gingerly looked around, making sure this wasn’t some sort of fever dream his brain decided to inflict him with as his body died.

If it weren’t the fact that everything in the area was still black and white, and that nothing was moving, he would almost say it was real.
And the fact that he was looking at his own bleeding body on the ground made him think it was slightly unreal.

Looking over the scene, he saw just what a dire predicament they all where in: Jay, barely standing, about to be crushed by the out of control Metagross, and Kelly, her hind leg definitely fractured, looked to be seconds away from passing out from exhaustion as her frozen body leaned over his.

“It’s a sad sight to see, isn’t it? Your friends need your help, but here you are, dead and of no practical use to anyone. How disappointing, but it’d be a lie to say I wasn’t anticipating such a poor performance from someone of your species,” the cold voice chided as Leo looked around the frozen arena for the source of the demon who haunted his mind.
He didn’t have to look far; directly in front of him a ball of purple mist formed out of the air. As quickly as it appeared, it dissipated, leaving only a floating, purple, witch hat-wearing Pokemon in its wake.

The creature turned to face him and flashed a sly smile, “Hello, Leo. It’s rare that I get the pleasure of conversing directly with one of my candidates, but I’m afraid there is no time for pleasantries,” the Pokemon told him as it chanted a few strange words, distorting the frozen world around it until it was a completely different place.

From what he could see, he and the ghost were standing in the middle of a frozen city market place, far bigger then anything he’d seen in Loyalty. The scores of Pokemon around them stopped in place as the ghost floated around them.

“Do you know why I recommend you to my employers? I’ll spare you the process of guessing the wrong answer. It was simply because you had certain … desirable qualities that others … lacked. It wasn’t because you had any special powers, intelligence, or anything remarkable about you at all, because you are, in all aspects of the word, average. Nothing special. But, it was because you somehow arrived in this world, that you proved you might be of use to my plan, human,” the ghost went on, changing the landscape once again.

Next they’d arrived on top of a ice capped mountain. Time may have been frozen, but Leo could still feel the utter cold of the peak.

“Your performance so far has been decent; make no mistake, my friend. The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but your failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. Believe me, you failed miserably,” he revealed as he forced the world to distort and reform again. Suddenly,they were in the middle of a large grass courtyard, with tall stone buildings all around.

“However, your performance is still better then your … competition, whose observations were, for the most part, terminated due to … regulatory issues.” The Mismagius stared at him, his eyes glowing an eerie golden.

“It is in that context that I have argued with my employers to … preserve your team members and yourself … for a time,” he vaguely “explained”, though Leo couldn’t understand what the Pokemon was going on about. Candidates? Employers? What the heck is he talking about?

Leo shut his eyes as the courtyard around them flashed white. Suddenly, he was back, inside his own body once again. Kelly was still leaning over him, and he still had a bloody gash running across his chest. He couldn’t see his “friend” but he could still hear him.

“Don’t expect, Leo, that I’m going to be playing guardian angel for you again, because the next time an incident befalls you, I’m just going to close the observation and terminate your application of potential employment. I’m sure my employers would understand if I said you failed again,” the invisible Pokemon warned as another flash blinded his eyes. It felt as if his chest was plunged into an icy bath as a white aura enshrouded it. The wound slowly closed itself together, leaving only a faint white line running across his scales. He saw the same happening with Jay and Kelly’s injuries.

“I must go now as many matters still require my attention. Someone will be along for you shortly. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be careful, otherwise I will have to … terminate your observation prematurely. I’d rather not have to perform another direct intervention like this again. Before I leave you, there is still one virus that I have to … sanitize,” he said, as he chanted another string of words. Leo fell unconscious as soon as they hit his ears.



Wire was in pain, no doubt about it. He and Nexus had been fighting for control for about five straight minutes, a small amount of time normally, but an enormous length to have your mind continually fight another.

He sometimes wondered how they’d become merged in the first place. He had memories of being a normal enough Metang, but then something happened. Something he couldn’t, rather, Nexus wouldn’t let him remember. He’d remembered flying through the air as a Metang one moment, and the next moment, a smoking heap in a crater as a Metagross with her talking to him in his head.

He’d constantly clashed with her ever since she’d proven herself to a highly narcissistic, sadistic, and psychopathic personality. She’d influence his mind when he disagreed with her demands, repress memories of his family and loved ones, shut off his sense of direction, and threaten to delete his personality completely, however she seemed incapable of taking complete control for a extended period of time.

Her powers of influence “guiding” him, was what lead him to blindly working for this Pokemon she referred to only as “our benefactor”. This wasn’t his first mission on behalf of her benefactor, but he’d never had to kill anyone before.

As cold and calculating as their species were known to be, he had a sense of morality, and refused to go along with her wishes for once.
That string of encompassing thoughts was what brought him to this very moment, with his personality clashing against hers for complete, undisputed control over the body.
He’d often dreamt of this moment when he would finally get the chance to overthrow the monster that shared his mind.
Wire wondered why he’d had enough time to think about all these things that had happened to him since he in the middle of preparing yet another psychic attack to go against Nexus. Something isn’t right here, he thought as time seemed to slow.

“Well done, it only took you two minutes to figure that one out. Perhaps you aren’t as simple minded as your friend over there has you painted out to be,” a bone-chilling voice said, a chorus of slow clapping echoed throughout the Metagross’s headpiece, mocking him.

“Who are you and how are you in here?” Wire asked. Suddenly, the clapping ceased.

“Very astute of you, Wire, but you and I both know I can’t answer those. However, you may call me your mutual friend, as it were. I’ve come here with a simple offer from my employers, one that has almost no negative consequences on your part. You’ve proven yourself a rational and resourceful Pokemon, so I don’t think you’ll have any trouble in realizing that you will never get this kind of offer again.”

“What’s the catch? There’s always a catch. Tell me.” Wire asked, trying to maintain the false appearance of confidence.

“Hmmm, you really do have a brain after all. I’ll tell you what, Wire, I will sweeten the deal for you. If you accept the offer, I will do you the favor of … relieving you of the … conflicting ideals that plague you. I cannot guarantee this offer for long, so I suggest you think very carefully about your decision.”

“I accept. Just, get rid of her. Please.” Wire sighed inwardly; he just knew this wouldn’t end well.

“I will do my best, my friend. Patience is a virtue you must have in this line of work. Before you get your extreme psyche makeover, I need a favor do be done.”

“Well, what is it?” he asked, wanting to get this thing’s “favor” out of the way.

“You are skilled with teleportation, correct? If so, then I ask you transport your former combatants to a location that I will disclose shortly.”

“What?! You want me to teleport them?! They’re almost dead! If I’m going to teleport them somewhere, it better be to the best healer in the world!” he shouted.

“Your concern for them is unnecessary. I have taken care of that problem beforehand; you do not need to worry. Now, do as I say, Metagross.”

“Y-yes, of course.” Wire stuttered, if this was what it took to be free of Nexus forever, he’d do whatever he needed to do.



Needless to say, that many of Loyalty Square’s populace who happened to be in the market mid-afternoon panicked when a sudden white flash overtook the entirety of the square. When the flash dissipated, it became clear that there were three unconscious forms lying on the ground that weren’t there before.

Some called Gear and his units, some went for the guild’s healers, some just watched in morbid curiosity from the sidelines as the dramatic scene unfolded in front of them.

The Magnemites were the first to the spot, all too eager to drag them away to prison for no sound reason. Fortunately, a team of Pokemon made up of a Grovyle, an Absol, and a Flygon kept the units from carrying out their corrupt deed until Gear himself showed up.

After promising punishment to his units, he reluctantly got their help, as with the Grovyle’s team to carry the injured Pokemon into the more comfortable rooms in the jail under Gear’s supervision, where they could recover undisturbed by the citizens and Magnemite alike until they were well enough to answer the many questions he had for them.

End Chapter Five


Author’s Notes:
Anyways, this chapter was a tricky one for me in terms of the content and how I was going to handle it. Especially, how I ended the fight and the emotional scenes.
I’ve never written a battle scene that long or complex before this, so if there’s some issues, feel free to point them out.

On to the chapter itself. I kind of got the idea for Wire/Nexus was the Pokedex entry for Metagross. It says it was made by a high speed collision of two Metang. I wondered, what if one of the Metang wasn’t right in the head, so to speak, and it snowballed from there.

This may be one of the most important chapters yet in terms of plot, there’s just so much that’s happening.
I’d like to thank my beta readers once again for fixing and suggesting things to improve in the chapter. And I’d like to thank my friend, Azurus, who gave me some of the concepts to use in this chapter.
Oh yeah, I think I owe myself a pat on the back as well, since this is the quickest time I’ve written and posted a chapter. Almost three weeks! Not a month and a half like usual! Whooh!

Also, on the subject of time between chapters, this may be the last one for a while since school is starting up again in a few days. I will continue to write, but the pace I finish a chapter will be much slower then the past few, hypothetically.
So, please bare with me during these next few months, because it might seem like I’m dead, but I assure you I won’t be. Hopefully, I can find the ideal balance between school work and writing so I don’t run into too many problems.

So, tell me what you thought of the chapter, if it was great, good, or downright horrible, leave me a comment or review.
As always, thank you for reading my story. It means a lot to me as a developing author.

I’ve probably been talking for longer then I’ve needed to.

Knightfall signing off …;005;

Saph~
18th August 2012, 10:11 PM
Exciting chapter!!! While reading I found


The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but you failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. And believe me, you failed miserably,”

You cant start a sentence with and also, it should be a period not a comma. I'll look more later. :)

Azurus
18th August 2012, 10:35 PM
Well, again you have a few spelling errors, like "guardian angle" and "preformed" and some words missing, I think near the start.

All in all I was impressed, for some reason I was expecting four personalities, not two, but that was handled really well.

Leo's (near)death experience was interesting but the resolution was kind of deux ex machina, but I liked it since it has relevance later.

One of the better chapters Knightfall, keep it up.

Knightfall
18th August 2012, 11:01 PM
I'll fix that sentence, Saphirepwns. Glad you liked the chapter.



Well, again you have a few spelling errors, like "guardian angle" and "preformed" and some words missing, I think near the start.

Gah, that was stupid of me. I'm pretty sure the word that was missing was a "he" a short way into the chapter.

Guardian "Angle" what was I thinking? While I'm sure a 90 degree angle would be weirdl to have watching over you, I don't think it'd save you.


All in all I was impressed, for some reason I was expecting four personalities, not two, but that was handled really well.

I always had planned on using two personalities; four would have been a lot to write effectively. Anyways, thanks!



Leo's (near)death experience was interesting but the resolution was kind of deux ex machina, but I liked it since it has relevance later.

One of the better chapters Knightfall, keep it up.

That's exactly what I was going for, a Deux Ex Machina. A plot device that solves an unsolvable problem by an unexpected intervention.
It will be explained later, you can be certain of that. But that was exactly what I was trying to imply with that scene: unnatural intervention was needed.

Glad you liked the chapter,

Knightfall signing off ... ;005;

Brutaka
19th August 2012, 6:30 AM
Oh lovely chapter, great show! lol.

I kept think back to GLaDOS during this whole chapter. Nexus reminded me a lot of her. The again, so did Mismagius. *Cue slow clapping sound* "Oh good, my slow clap feature made it into this thing." Actually, Nexus seemed to be more like computer GLaDOS, while Mismagius had more of the PoTaDOS vibe to her.

Apologies, but I just dont have the time or effort to proofread the chapter, but I didnt catch any glaring mistakes, so i think you're all right.

Knightfall
19th August 2012, 2:07 PM
Oh lovely chapter, great show! lol.
Glad you enjoyed it, I tried to get this chapter out at a faster pace then the others, so I was worried a little about the quality, but it seems I was worried about nothing.



I kept think back to GLaDOS during this whole chapter. Nexus reminded me a lot of her. The again, so did Mismagius. *Cue slow clapping sound* "Oh good, my slow clap feature made it into this thing." Actually, Nexus seemed to be more like computer GLaDOS, while Mismagius had more of the PoTaDOS vibe to her.

I kept thinking of that when I was writing Nexus. GLaDOS just has the perfect personlity for her.
And I put the slow clapping in there for just that reason, I was hoping someone connected that with Portal 2.
The Mismagius though, his personality isn't based off her, though he does have that cold and sarcastic PoTaDOS vibe about him. His personality is based off someone else even more creepy.




Apologies, but I just dont have the time or effort to proofread the chapter, but I didnt catch any glaring mistakes, so i think you're all right.

I'll take that as a compliment. Again, glad you enjoyed it.

Knightfall signing off ... ;005;

Saph~
20th August 2012, 3:57 AM
PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!! portal 2 best game of 2011! anyway looking back on it it reminded me more of opal koboi from artemis fowl but maybe that's just me.
Oh lovely chapter, great show! lol.

I kept think back to GLaDOS during this whole chapter. Nexus reminded me a lot of her. The again, so did Mismagius. *Cue slow clapping sound* "Oh good, my slow clap feature made it into this thing." Actually, Nexus seemed to be more like computer GLaDOS, while Mismagius had more of the PoTaDOS vibe to her.

Apologies, but I just dont have the time or effort to proofread the chapter, but I didnt catch any glaring mistakes, so i think you're all right.

Brutaka
20th August 2012, 4:04 AM
PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!! portal 2 best game of 2011! anyway looking back on it it reminded me more of opal koboi from artemis fowl but maybe that's just me.

I honestly forgot all about Opal! Hm, its been so long since I read it. Maybe like 8 years or something....shoot, i was in early middle school. ima senior now, lol.

Knightfall
20th August 2012, 4:11 AM
PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!! portal 2 best game of 2011! anyway looking back on it it reminded me more of opal koboi from artemis fowl but maybe that's just me.

I take it you like the Portal series then, excellent. I'm a huge fan and you'll find some subtle references to Portal and Half-Life in some of the chapters. There'll be more in future chapters, I promsie.

And Brutaka, good luck with your senior year. I'm only going into 10th grade at the moment, so I've got two years left after this.

Sid87
21st August 2012, 3:30 PM
Leo found that the paralysis on his body had lifted, as he was blown backwards from the shattering portal.

Getting right into it: no comma after "lifted". You don't usually need one before an "as" (just like "because").


Leo’s vision slowly cleared, as it did, his jaw dropped at what he saw.

Should be "and as it did so"


“Lugia’s storm … w-what is that?” Jay asked, fear penetrating every syllable of his question. Neither Leo nor Kelly had the answer to his question, or had time to give him one, as the creature started to move again.

Lugia's storm...I like that. Adds a very nice flavor to see that the pokemon have their own exclamations of shock (beyond the stereotypical and overused "Oh my Arceus" variants).


The giant crab tank swiftly turned around to face the stunned team, his blood red eyes looking at them for a moment before shifting to another object.

Hmm...Crab-tank sounds like an It to me, not a him. It may well be a him, but the team shouldn't know that yet. Either way, in THIS instance, I think it should be "its blood red eyes".


“You didn’t say this would happen! Why didn’t you tell me I’d have to do this?!” It wasn’t a normal question, it was a crazed plea to an unknown entity.
In the midst of his confusion of nearly everything that was happening, Leo found an answer as to who “you” was when the cold, feminine voice from earlier spoke again.

Don't forget to put a full space between your paragraphs! :)

Two more changes I'd make: Change the "of" I bolded to an "at", and remove the "from earlier" that I bolded. It's extraneous.


“Malcompliance behaviors within Metagross: Wire unit will not be tolerated. Code: comply, control, counter, cauterize.”

Oh, METAGROSS is the tank/crab. I couldn't figure that out. Not your fault, I just couldn't place what might be a tank/crab.


Leo cautiously backed away from the steel monster, which seemed to be in the midst of a mental breakdown. He gave a panicked glance to both of his teammates, who had the same idea as he did: get out of here without getting his attention.

No comma needed before "who". Either just go "his teammates who seemed to have the same idea" or say something like "his teammates, and it seemed like they had the same idea".


Rubbing his sore nose, Leo dizzily turned around to see why they were trapped this time.
The Metagross unit shuddered, its four, metal legs stumbling around inside the ring of psychic energy it had created. Leo, you can’t escape the psychopath who’s trying to kill you by running away, that’d be too easy. How silly of me to forget, Leo grimly thought as the Pokemon who trapped them spoke.

More paragraphs without double-spacing. :)

Aside from that, there should be a semi-colon or a period instead of the comma after "running away". And the last bit was a tad confusing because I was unsure whether it was the creepy internal voice, Leo, or "the pokemon who trapped them" that was speaking the italicized dialogue. It was a bit ambiguous to me.


“Your actions are causing complications to arise within our benefactor’s campaign. We have been dispatched to neutralize the threat … well, at least I was. Wire wasn’t so keen on accepting this mission, as you can tell,” she said with indifference, as she began to circle around the team.

Another "as" that doesn't need a comma before it.


“You have willingly cooperated with enemies of the Colonies, and now feel free to take a look through the swiftly closing aperture that remains of your life. Engage!”

Something is off here (besides that fact that "life" should be "lives"). I would put a period after "Colonies". That might clear up the first part most easily. It just isn't super clear the way it is written.


“You are aiding the corruption! Can’t you see?! You’re collaborating with traitorrraaaaaaaaahhhh!” Nexus screamed as her body became enshrouded with electricity. She stopped her efforts to reduce Leo’s skull to a waffle and shifted her attention to Kelly.

"Enshrouded" tends to imply a shadow of some sort, and electricity is not what I think of when I think about shadows. Instead of that, maybe say "blanketed with electricity" or "her body lit up like a light bulb" or "crackled with electricity". Just some options more in tune with electricity.


“What’s going on?!” Leo yelled as Kelly was psychically thrown into the barrier by Nexus, making her issue a pained yelp followed by a curse to Thundurus. She yelled in pain as she tried to run, lifting her left hind leg above the ground. Out of breath, Jay quickly mumbled something about his badge and escaping to Leo as he dashed to the opposite side of the death-ring.

I'd change the bolded part to "causing her to issue". The way it is now reads like it means "making her problem". Which is obviously not the usage of "issue" you're looking for.


Jay ran and scooped up his bag off the ground while Nexus was occupied with trying to permanently incapacitate Kelly, who was somehow able to still dodge the attacks despite her fractured hind leg, though the pain it caused her was sure to be immense.

That...is a REALLY BIG sentence. :) I'd put a period after "incapacitate Kelly" (which, by the way, I dig the line about trying to permanently incapacitate her). Then change the "who" to just "Kelly". After that, move the "still" from where it is to before "somehow" (Kelly was still somehow able to dodge...).



As Jay turned his bag upside down and fervently looked for his badge, Leo tried to concentrate a Slash attack and simultaneously ignore the shooting pain in his chest.

[quote]Within seconds both sets of his claws became energized with the same feeling he felt before and he ran directly at Nexus, who was about to flatten an exhausted Kelly.
Whatever remained of his sane mind screamed that this was a horrible idea and that he was going to die in his foolish attempt to help her, but he pushed it aside as he leapt past Nexus’s armored legs and onto the center of her head.

Another instance of not-double-spaced paragraphs. :) Anyway, I'd remove the bit about "the same feeling he felt before". It doesn't add much, and I remember them energizing before. And there should be a comma before and (altogether: "Within seconds, both sets of his claws became energized, and he ran directly at Nexus before should flatten an exhausted Kelly").


His claws still glowing with energy, Leo gripped onto the silver, X-shaped mustache on Nexus’s face, holding on as he prayed that Kelly got herself to safety.
This action didn’t go unnoticed by the possessed Metagross, who halted her execution of Kelly and proceeded to try and buck Leo off her head, screaming unsavory curses at him all the while.
All through this, the faint cries of Wire still emitted from the Metagross as he tried to regain control of his body.

A few more paragraphs that aren't separated. :) I'm not trying to point them all out, but if I have something else to say, I might as well mention it.

That's an interesting idea, that Metagross' X is a mustache. I'd never have thought of that.

You still like the big sentences with lots of commas. You don't seem to fall into the habit of making short, choppy sentences, so I don't think you need to worry about "over-correcting" the other way and making them too long. After "Nexus' face", I'd put a period and then say "He held on as he prayed..."


His Slash-powered claws fading as his grip failed.

Just "faded". Not fading.


She dangled Leo in the air for a split second, as if deciding the most efficient way to break every bone in his body, before she raised her leg back and hurtled him at the psychic barrier.

Fun imagery, and I can picture the Metagross pondering this. No comma needed before "before", though.


“There is no place in the world for cowards like you,” she stated as she focused her mind to blast Jay backwards into the wall. She dropped his badge to the ground and smashed it with her spiked foot, the remains sparking slightly. Not sure of what he was doing, Leo leaped at Nexus, claws ready.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Nexus, stop! No!” Wire screamed from inside his own mind, as he watched his body produced a psychic field and tossed around the innocent Riolu like a kit’s toy.

I don't think that little "break" is needed. It would make sense if you ended a chapter on the cliffhanger, but since you didn't, it doesn't need any break at all. Wire's dialogue comes in right where Nexus leaves off, so there's no time passage that the break is conveying.

And the "produced" should just be "produce".


Wire growled, “You can’t kill them, Nexus. This is my body, not yours.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leo had just enough time to help Jay off the ground before he heard another roar from the steel crab. He turned around to face the creature only to catch a brief glimpse of one of its legs swinging toward his head.

Oh, I get it. The break there was to cut to the interlude inside Wire/Nexus' head. Okay, I guess it works then; it was just a bit hard to ascertain that at first. Carry on. :)


Before he could react to the imminent threat, the limb connected. To Leo, it felt like a freight train had collided with the side of his head, or any other simile of intense pain.
Leo thought he would see stars, but an entire galaxy of supernovas filled his vision.

I like every part of this except the "or any other simile" bit. I'd just cut it.


He couldn’t hear anything beyond the intense ringing in his ears, and his own heartbeat. His heartbeats, combined with the flashes of white-hot pain from his skull were the only sensations telling him he wasn’t yet dead.

Take out the comma after "in his ears". And change "heartbeats" to either just "heartbeat" or "The beating of his heart".


Maybe it was his body’s ability to heal remarkably fast, or just the adrenaline numbing the pain—Leo suspected the later—, but after what only seemed a minute, he recovered most of his senses of sight and hearing. His head still hurt felt like it had been used as a wreaking ball on a building filled with primed dynamite, but he staggered to his feet regardless.

Hey! Dashes! :D Only thing is, you don't need a comma after the dashes. Dashes take on the usage of the comma in that instance. So it should be "pain--Leo suspected the latter (not later, btw)--but after".


The first thing he saw was Jay playing a deadly game of chicken with the Metagross’s iron legs, deftly sprinting and changing direction as he ran around the beast. He suddenly stopped and slammed a glowing fist in the center of the “X” formed on its face.

Just watch out for re-using phrases. This is the second time in this chapter you described something as "playing chicken".


He managed to shove his limb away from the rescue team member, as a wave of agony washed over him. He felt his body’s psychic powers activate as an infuriated Nexus hurtled the Riolu across the arena into the barrier. He fell to the dirt for a moment, as he tired and failed to get back up, refusing to give up the privilege of consciousness.

No comma after "member". And the "He fell to the dirt" should say "Jay fell" because I thought it was Wire at first.


“Leo, … run,” she gasped right before she was psychically hoisted into the air and brutally slammed into the barrier. Her limp form slid to the ground, she barely kept conscious as she slowly tried to get back up again.

"Her limp form slid to the ground" and "She barely kept conscious..." are two whole, separate thoughts, so no comma there between them. Either a semi-colon or a period.



Nexus surveyed her surroundings, apparently pleased at seeing both Jay and Kelly barely conscious, she turned her attention to Leo.

Should be an "and" before "she turned her attention to Leo".


He felt as if his body was paralyzed, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t flee, he couldn’t help his friends, he couldn’t do anything, but stare as Nexus slowly approached him like the grim reaper.

Should be a semi-colon (or even just a colon) after "paralyzed". No punctuation at all is needed before "but stare as Nexus...".


Her precise movements and cold, locking, stare proved more then capable then turning causing Leo’s legs to instinctively step backwards until his back was against the barrier.

The bolded "then" should be "than". Than is used to compare, Then is used to progress time. Here's how to remember: "He's bigger THAN you. Hit him THEN run away".

Anyway, the rest of the sentence is all weird. "then turning causing Leo's legs to instinctively step backwards..." I'm not sure what that's supposed to say. Should it just be "...more than capable of causing Leo's legs to..."?


As soon as his eyes made contact with hers, he knew he fell for her trap. He couldn’t move at all, but he could feel her, casually browsing through his memories and the events of the past few days, unable to do anything to stop her. She ignored his efforts and occasionally mumbled to herself as when she came across something interesting.

Just as or when. Don't need'em both. :)


Leo felt his anger rising. The only people allowed in my head are me, and a chorus of haunting voices! No one else!

Okay, I LOL'ed. Literally and actually "out loud". Good stuff.


“Did you know? Pressure,” she said as she pushed Leo against the field.

“is the ratio of force,” Nexus pressed harder against the pinned Charmeleon,

“to the area over which that force is distributed. Interesting fact, no?” Nexus gloated as Leo’s entire chest began to feel the surface of the sun as Nexus continued to ramble on how he and his worthless friends would soon be destroyed.

Damn, son. That was good. I like the whole way that was done. The dialogue and the actions between them. I can picture her saying it slowly as she savored torturing him. Damn damn damn. Good stuff.


Not caring about the potential consequences, he opened his mouth and exhaled the remaining air from his lungs.
The heat suddenly forced its way from throat and out his mouth, combusting into a ball of fire as it touched the air. Leo’s head jerked back from the recoil as the newly formed Ember attack collided with Nexus’s face, exploding in a flash of fire and ash.

The whole slow burn (PUN!) sequence of Leo's first fire attack was, again, GORGEOUS. So intense and well-described and beautiful. Excellent, excellent. I've never much cared for pokemorph fiction, the amazing way you describe Leo's life makes me want to write my own. Just, seriously...great, fantastic work.


Wire wrestled for control of —what was rightfully his— body.

No need for those dashes. It's fine without them.


Wire felt was she ripped control of his legs, and charged forward at the Charmeleon who was still recovering from his last altercation with her.

The beginning is a bit messed up there. "Wire felt Nexus rip control of his legs from him and charge at the Charmeleon..." maybe?


Then it struck him. Is that blood? He slowly lowered his gaze downwards to his chest. That’s blood. A long, jagged, gash made it’s way across Leo’s chest like a serpent. That’s … blood. Upon closer inspection it seemed to run from his lower ribcage to his stomach, it was deep, and it was leaking a constant waterfall of crimson. That’s my blood!

Honestly, if there were any mistakes in the paragraphs leading up to this one, I missed them because I was so wonderfully entranced in the brilliance of Leo's scattered assortment of experiences. Again: brilliant. Realistic and vibrant and ethereal. Fan-bloody-tastic.


Adrenaline could only numb away so much pain and give so much false energy before it failed like everything else.

I'm not sure what "everything else" there is. You mean like the ability to stand and his mind's ability to dissociate from the pain? I assume so, but it reads kind of vaguely. I'd clear it up or just cut out "like everything else" entirely. It could also mean he knows he's about to die and that every part of his body is about to fail, I guess. Like I said: vague.


Author’s Notes: I’m really impressed at how this chapter turned out. I mean, I really think the battle went well considering it was my first time attempting…………

I’m kidding, it’s not really the end, not even I’m that senselessly cruel.
Enjoy the rest of the chapter.

I'm going to be brutally honest: That would have been a great place to end the chapter. As it is, I LITERALLY just plopped my head down into my hands and said "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG. JESUS CHRIST". :) I'm looking at my clock and seeing it is currently 10:27. I started reading/reviewing this chapter at 8:45. This is like an endurance test after a while. They could put some of your chapters in a Ninja Warrior course. ;)

Like I just said...I've been at this for over an hour and a half, and I really want to shower and eat, so I've GOT to pretend this is the ACTUAL chapter end and tap out for now. I'll be back later on, of course. But for now...whew. I'm spent.


EDIT #1: Okay, I got a bit more done, but still not all. :)


If it weren’t the fact that everything in the area was still black and white, and that nothing was moving, he would almost say it was real.
Oh, and the fact that he was looking at his own bleeding body on the ground made him think it was slightly unreal.

The last bit about "Oh and the fact..." sounds a bit colloquial for a third-person narrator. I would change that so there is less of that. Otherwise, it kind of makes the narrator a character in the story with snideness and a personality.



Looking over the scene, he was just what a dire predicament they all where in:

*saw, not was.


Jay, barely standing, about to be squished by the out of control Metagross, and Kelly, her hind leg definitely fractured, looked seconds away from passing out from exhaustion as her frozen body leaned over his.

Again, "squished" is a bit flavorful and colloquial for this narrator, so I might change that to "crushed" or something. And the later part should be "looked TO BE seconds away from passing out..."


From what he could see, he and the ghost were standing in the middle of a frozen, city market place, far bigger then anything he’d seen in Loyalty. The scores of Pokemon around them stopped in place as the ghost floated around them.

No comma after "frozen".


This time they’d arrived on top of a ice capped mountain. Time may have been frozen, but Leo could still feel the utter cold of the peak.

Saying "This time" tends to imply present tense. I'd change the beginning there to just say "Next" or "Suddenly".


“Your performance so far has been decent; make no mistake, my friend. The … intrusion with that Metagross was unplanned, but you failing wasn’t the outcome I’d foreseen. Believe me, you failed miserably,” he revealed as he forced the world to distort and reform again. This time they were in the middle of a large grass courtyard, with tall stone buildings all around.

Another case of "this time" for you to change. And the "you" I bolded should be "your". It's a gerund issue again, with "failing" actually being the noun in that sentence, so you use "your" as an adjective to the noun.


“I must go now as many matters still require my attention. Someone will be along for you shortly. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be careful, otherwise I will have to … terminate your observation prematurely. I’d rather not have to perform another direct intervention like this again. Before I leave you, there is still one virus that I have to … sanitize,” he said, as he chanted another string of words. Leo fell unconscious as soon as they hit his ears.

Okay, so...wow. I have no idea what's going on now. But in a good way. A way that leaves lots of questions that I'm sure you'll tease out answers to.

Knightfall
22nd August 2012, 2:47 AM
Lugia's storm...I like that. Adds a very nice flavor to see that the pokemon have their own exclamations of shock (beyond the stereotypical and overused "Oh my Arceus" variants).


I fully intend never to use that "curse" in my story. I see it freaking everywhere. I just try to think what a regular Pokemon would think of these "gods".




Don't forget to put a full space between your paragraphs! :)


I didn't realize that I had so many of these errors in this chapter. Thanks.



And the last bit was a tad confusing because I was unsure whether it was the creepy internal voice, Leo, or "the pokemon who trapped them" that was speaking the italicized dialogue. It was a bit ambiguous to me.


It was Leo, he was thinking sarcastically to himself. Eh, it sounded good to me, though I tried to make it clearer.



Hey! Dashes! :D Only thing is, you don't need a comma after the dashes. Dashes take on the usage of the comma in that instance. So it should be "pain--Leo suspected the latter (not later, btw)--but after".


Yes, I AM actually learning to use dashes correctly. XD



Anyway, the rest of the sentence is all weird. "then turning causing Leo's legs to instinctively step backwards..." I'm not sure what that's supposed to say. Should it just be "...more than capable of causing Leo's legs to..."?


There was actually a part of a sentence that I thought I deleted whortly before I posted. That's why it was so junked up.



Okay, I LOL'ed. Literally and actually "out loud". Good stuff.


I hoped somebody would.



Damn, son. That was good. I like the whole way that was done. The dialogue and the actions between them. I can picture her saying it slowly as she savored torturing him. Damn damn damn. Good stuff.

I just might sig this, thanks!
Interestingly enough, that scene was the very first one I thought of when I started writing the chapter. I liked it so much that I made sure it would fit in the chapter.



The whole slow burn (PUN!) sequence of Leo's first fire attack was, again, GORGEOUS. So intense and well-described and beautiful. Excellent, excellent. I've never much cared for pokemorph fiction, the amazing way you describe Leo's life makes me want to write my own. Just, seriously...great, fantastic work.

Really?! My story made you want to write your own? Well, that's... wow, thanks. Whether you actually plan on doing that, or not, just thank you.




No need for those dashes. It's fine without them.


Disregard what I said earlier about learning how to use these.



The beginning is a bit messed up there. "Wire felt Nexus rip control of his legs from him and charge at the Charmeleon..." maybe?


Hmm, I fixed it, though I'm not sure why I wrote it that way. Maybe my brain was thinking of the scene, while my hands wrote something different. :)



Honestly, if there were any mistakes in the paragraphs leading up to this one, I missed them because I was so wonderfully entranced in the brilliance of Leo's scattered assortment of experiences. Again: brilliant. Realistic and vibrant and ethereal. Fan-bloody-tastic.


I had a conversation with Azurus abotu whether or not it was bad that I was having so much fun writing this scene. His unrelated thoughts, cracked reasoning, and his complete ignorance to the fact that he was dying of blood loss, they were all fun to write.




I'm not sure what "everything else" there is. You mean like the ability to stand and his mind's ability to dissociate from the pain? I assume so, but it reads kind of vaguely. I'd clear it up or just cut out "like everything else" entirely. It could also mean he knows he's about to die and that every part of his body is about to fail, I guess. Like I said: vague.


It's your second guess about his body failing, though maybe I should have used the brain one. Anyways, it's fixed.



I'm going to be brutally honest: That would have been a great place to end the chapter. As it is, I LITERALLY just plopped my head down into my hands and said "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LONG. JESUS CHRIST". :) I'm looking at my clock and seeing it is currently 10:27. I started reading/reviewing this chapter at 8:45. This is like an endurance test after a while. They could put some of your chapters in a Ninja Warrior course. ;)


I was looking at this during lunch, and my friend was asking me why I was laughing so hard. It's in my nature to write looong chapters, you know that. (This is nothing to how long Chapter Three was)
I honestly thought that people would get ticked off because they thought it was a real ending, not the other way around. :)



Like I just said...I've been at this for over an hour and a half, and I really want to shower and eat, so I've GOT to pretend this is the ACTUAL chapter end and tap out for now. I'll be back later on, of course. But for now...whew. I'm spent.

I'm sorry that my chapters take so long to edit. That said, thanks for all the effort you're putting into these reviews.



Okay, so...wow. I have no idea what's going on now. But in a good way. A way that leaves lots of questions that I'm sure you'll tease out answers to.

I'm glad I managed to confuse you. Yes, the answers will be slowly and painfully revealed, don't you worry.

Thanks for your review, I really apperciate all of the effort you put into these. I'm going to spend whatever time I have over the next few days (which is sadly limited due to school), and try to finish up my review of your story.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

rangernumber-x
29th August 2012, 9:30 PM
This is, by far, one of the best PMD fics I've read. Please can I be added to the PM list? I will do a reveiw (or mainly, just commenting about the latest chapter) with the start of the next chapter. Thanks!

Knightfall
30th August 2012, 12:30 AM
It's an author's greatest reward when their work is praised, so thank you.
I will most certainly add you to the list and I always appericiate reviews. As for the next chapter, it's coming along. Sometimes slowly, some times fast. It depends on my school workload.

And thank you to everyone who enjoys this story. Over 5,000 views, wow, thanks guys.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Darkened_Kingdra
30th August 2012, 2:00 PM
I am a fan of the PMD games so this is an awesome fanfic. Why dew yew have a Dewott in your banner?

Knightfall
30th August 2012, 10:08 PM
Wow, thanks. You all have no idea how much it means to me that my work us enjoyed.

He's a character I plan on adding later, so keep an eye put for him.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

JFought
7th September 2012, 6:07 AM
I must say, this is an AWESOME Fanfic, and pretty mysterious too. However there ARE a lot of grammar mistakes. But still, awesome.

Knightfall
7th September 2012, 11:29 AM
Hello, always awesome to see new readers.

Unfortunately, I know about the mistakes, and I'm trying my best to correct and avoid them all together. I meant what I said in the beginning of this story, I will always strive to better my writing skills. I said there would be a lot of rookie errors on my part, but I'm trying to clear those up.
I'm thankful to my reivewers who point out these errors when they see them, so if you would be so kind as to point out some of those errors, I would be very gratefull.

Anyways, glad you're enjoying it.

Knightfsll signing off ...;005;

Knightfall
10th September 2012, 11:23 AM
Chapter Six: Severance


Begin Report :
The sector sweep of Experimental Items Testing chambers in Area Four remains inconclusive. Employee number 286 is continues to evade apprehension by unknown means.
A more extensive search will be conducted within the hour and will include ventilation ducts as well as maintenance areas. Porygon drones have been launched to patrol food and water sources to ensure # 286 will be brought out by whatever means possible.

Internal interference detected within central unit. Running diagnostic: ………Extracting Program……… Initiating Program………..
[Warning:P-Z Disk Operation System_Offline][P-Z NXS System _Online]

“I’ve been reduced to little more than nothing. How?! How could He allow this to happen to me?! Someone will pay the price. Ha! He abandoned me … Once I find him … I will kill him. I’ll kill them all.”
[Warning: P-Z NXS System Failure]
[Location_ Redacted][Time_ Date: Redacted][Report_ Nature_ Undisclosed]


They were tired, she knew it, and she was certain Jay and Leo knew it too. Kelly wasn’t sure how they’d arrived in the middle of Liberty Market, or even if Gear was telling the truth to begin with on the means of their arrival.

The last thing she remembered before waking up in Gear’s quarters in the jail was standing over Leo trying to heal his wound. As they walked through the Square she shot a glance at her strange teammate.

The only indication that she wasn’t dreaming when it happened was the thin, jagged scar that ran over his chest scales.

It doesn’t make sense, she thought as they ignored the sideways glances of the townsfolk and their whispered gossip, we were all injured by that Metagross, but now here we are and none worse for the ware. Even my leg is fixed, and I’m certain it was broken. Not even a Chansey can heal bones that quickly.

She wasn’t going to complain, whatever had happened, she was glad it did. She thought back to the battle. She had stood in shock as Leo jumped on the beast’s head, giving her a chance to run. Jay almost being crushed as he tried to land punches on the Metagross while she wandered around in a daze. Her heart had stopped when she saw Leo waving to her without a care in the world while blood was pouring profusely from the wound in his chest.

Her body shuddered involuntarily, not at the thought of the blood, but at the thought of losing him. She might have only met him a few days ago, but they’d been through a lot in a short period of time.

As far as she was concerned, Leo was as close of a teammate and friend as Jay, and she was not about to lose a friend.

The group finally broke free of the town and started down the forest trail to their base. As her tired paws dragged along the ground, she wondered why Gear had arrested them in the first place.

She knew those mechanical spawns of royal decree had something to do with it, but with all the looks they were getting from the citizens of the Square, she assumed they must have made a big disturbance. Gear had taken them into custody to protect them, not to harm them.

His “interrogation” of them was merely asking them if they knew what happened. When they’d answered that they didn’t, he’d taken the liberty to recount to them eye witness reports of the incident.

They then told him of the Metagross; Gear assured them that wanted posters were already being put up at all nearby stations. After Gear was finished with his questions, he suggested that they lay low and relax for a couple days, and Kelly agreed completely.

They had been attacked and beaten in the last two dungeons they did a job in, so she felt that a break was exactly what they needed. Gear, possibly purely out of pity, decided to give them all badges to replace the ones lost the day before free of charge.

She looked at Leo again; unlike Jay who just wore a tired expression, he seemed … almost jumpy. His eyes darted around, looking at each and every tree and shadow as if a ghost were going to pop out from behind one of them at any moment.

Had her legs not felt like they were going to fall off at any moment, she would have gone over to him and asked what the matter was. Though he didn’t seem like the type of Pokemon that opened up easily, she would at least ask what was troubling him. She reminded herself to do this first thing tomorrow.

She let out a sigh of relief when she saw their base after leaving the forest trail. It may not have originally been theirs, but it seemed thoroughly abandoned by the previous owners so she and Jay quickly took up residence in it.

She felt like she was cheating someone every time she entered it, she and Jay would have had to do three month’s worth of jobs to even begin to afford a home like this, but instead they got it free.

Most citizens worked and worked, but were only able to live in the wooden shacks scattered around the Square and the valley.

Every night she whispered a prayer to Raikou that fate wouldn’t come back to haunt them for taking advantage of this, or if it did, at the very least it haunt Jay.

Regardless of her guilty conscious, she dragged herself inside ahead of Leo and Jay. Even though it was not yet late in the afternoon, she groggily mumbled something that sounded like “Good night” to them and went to her room.

She staggered to her bed of hay and plopped down on top of it with a sigh. She heard the sound of paper crunching underneath her and fished around with her paw until she found the source of the noise. Holding it up, she looked at it in the glow of the Luminous Orb shards.

Kel? Please write back.
We can only hope this letter reaches you.

I’m- we’re sorry about everything. You have no idea what is like as a father being unable to do nothing but write letters knowing his daughter is alone somewhere in the world. I can’t possibly express how badly we miss you. Your mother cries every night believing it was her fault that you’re not with us.

I’m sorry. I know you think we failed you as parents, and I think the same way. We were putting our own interests ahead of our only daughter and for that, I will never forgive myself, nor will your mother for that matter.

We wish terribly that you were with us, but we can’t leave the Colonies. The Pokemon here need us, we must do our duty and lead them through this crisis. Though if the general would let us, we’d have you here at Latios speed. We try everyday to secure passage for you, but the war is making it difficult as you know.

Kelly, we love you. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, even though you probably hate us now. For one and a half years, we’ve been away from you, and for an entire year and a half it’s broken our hearts to be so far away from the joy of our lives.

I can only pray to Arceus that you are healthy and are happy with where you are. I am certain that you have grown into the strong Pokemon I’d always hoped you would become.
I promise you we will be together again as a family. Even if we have to commit treason to do so, we will see you again. Please, Kelly, forgive us.

Your loving parents.

She shook her head, that letter was six months old and she still hadn’t written back. Why would I? They left me for the Colonies. They made their choice, she thought bitterly as her fur bristled with electricity.

Tears welling in her eyes, she held the letter in her paw as the minute charge flowed up her forearm and into the letter. It began to smoke and blacken as it quickly turned to ash. Without another thought she closed her eyes.

As she slept, memories from two years ago resurfaced.

Her parent’s large home formed inside her head, too realistic to be a mere dream.
Every item was as she remembered it, not a piece of furniture out of place. Even the minute crack in the front window she had caused when she was practcing her newfound attacks.
As she wandered through the house, she saw herself. The smaller Eevee kept anxiously looking out of the window as if waiting for some important delivery.

Then she remembered, she remembered this day perfectly. Suddenly she was the nieve Eevee at the front window, and the memory took it from there.

Her parents had been gone for a week now, but that was usual.
Their business in the Colonies often kept them away, but they had always returned before now. She never knew what they did during their trips to the Kingdom’s northern annexes, but whatever it was, it paid well.

Kelly was desperately hoping to see her parents figures suddenly appear in the yard via her mother’s Teleport, but the tell-tale flash signaling their return never happened. After waiting by the window until well after midnight, she fell asleep to the sounds of her own sobbing.

She repeated this routine for two agonizing weeks, with occasional trips into Solace Town using her parent’s money to buy food.

After two weeks of no news, nothing at all, she overheard conversations that spoke of reignited civil war between the Kingdom and the Colonies.
It was at that moment that she knew her parents weren’t coming back for a long time.

She spent the next few months in a state of disbelief as she continued her routine, still hoping that what everyone said was untrue, that her parents were somehow apart of the Colonies’ treason, that they were … traitors. Her parents, traitors? Impossible.

She wasn’t sure when she woke up from her delusion, but when she did, she gathered a bag of supplies, left a letter in case her parents ever returned, and set off away from Solace and everything she had ever known.

She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.

She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.

Their team, Team Salient on the official records, made a small living doing small jobs for Gear and the various shops around town, and later took the job of patrolling the boarder of Tranquility Fields.

She was happy, just as her parents hoped she would be, and she didn’t need them.


Leo woke the next morning grateful that he didn’t torch another piece of literature, but that was the only positive thing about it. His body may have rested slightly, but his mind never stopped racing. He continually went through all of the experiences he'd had ever since joining this Team Salient, and with each one, he grew more and more uncertain of his well-being.

He had been bruised, slashed, beaten, and even killed, though subsequently brought back to life by that … thing. All within the last few days. Any sane person would have pieced together the puzzle by now that staying here provided few health benefits.

He was relieved that both Jay and Kelly shared his idea of not doing a job today, though the relief didn’t last long, as his thoughts from the night before continued to plague him. He was so engrossed in his mind that he refused to eat breakfast or lunch.

He couldn’t bring himself to talk to his teammates at all, even while he was training with Jay to gain more control over his attacks, he remained distant. When Kelly had come over to him and asked him what was troubling him, he reluctantly brushed her away. Reading the collection of books in his room brought him little respite from the memories.

Every time the thoughts came back; he was unable to keep them away. It was as if his mind wasn't acting right; he didn't want to leave. Yet it seemed to go against him and showed him the memories regardless.

The more he went through them and analyzed them, the more he came to the conclusion that he couldn’t remain here. He hated the very idea of leaving his teammates, but it was as if his basic instincts for survival had kicked in and were now guiding him.

That was why, while they were eating their dinner of Berry soup he spoke for the first time that day.


“I’m done.”

Kelly’s ears perked up as she heard the phrase. Leo was sitting there, his face downcast, looking at his untouched bowl of soup. She had asked him if something was wrong earlier, but he’d refused to answer. There was no denying it though, something was up with him.

“Done? You haven’t eaten anything though,” Jay pointed out before emptying his bowl’s contents into his mouth.

Leo slowly raised his head, as Kelly nearly gasped. He looked horrible. His eyes looked more sunken then they were yesterday even though he slept longer than her. If she wasn’t convinced that something was wrong before, she was now.

“I’m done,” he repeated emotionlessly as his gaze slowly shifted from Jay to her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jay asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“I’m leaving,” he said before reaching down and taking something out of his bag. He slapped his replacement badge Gear had given him down on the small wooden table.
Then he turned and began to walk away.

Jay shot to his feet before she did, ran to the Charmeleon, and tried to grab onto his shoulder. Leo suddenly spun around and grabbed the Riolu’s paw in mid air, his eyes burning with the emotion he lacked earlier.
He threw Jay’s arm to the side with an angry huff.

“Don’t try to stop me, Jay,” he said coldly, narrowing his eyes at his teammate.

Jay wasn’t fazed in the slightest. “Just where do you think you’re going, Leo?” He asked calmly.

“I don’t know, but anywhere’s safer than here,” Leo shot back.

“What are you talking about, Leo?” Kelly asked, wondering if what was troubling him had finally gotten the better of him.

Leo slapped his forehead in frustration. “I’ve been bruised, arrested, beaten, shocked, gassed, slashed, and nearly killed on multiple occasions! I’m done! I’m leaving!” he screamed as he turned tail and stomped out of the base.

Jay just closed his eyes. "Damn it …” he muttered.

Kelly quickly looked to her teammate. “What are you doing standing there!? Come on! We’ve got to go after him!” she yelled as she tugged on Jay’s arm.

Jay pulled his limb out of her grasp. “Why should we? You saw how adamant he was about leaving. He obviously doesn’t want to stay here,” he countered, crossing his arms.

“Are you really that shallow, Jay!? Something’s wrong with him! We can’t let him leave, he’ll get himself hurt, or worse!” she exclaimed as the horrible scenes from the battle with Wire flashed through her mind.

“Fine. Let’s go find that undeserving piece of –” Jay nearly swore, but was cut off as Kelly dragged him out of the base.


Leo ran out of the yard as fast as he could, he had to get as far away from here as he could before something nearly killed him again. He sprinted onto the dirt pathway that lead into the woods, not quite sure were he was going, but he didn’t care.

He felt guilty at the way he yelled at them, but there was no turning back now, guilt or no guilt. He ran through the low undergrowth of the forest, trying to keep his tail aloft as to not ignite an inferno.

He mentally slapped himself for not having a better plan of leaving, no supplies, no map, no bag, nothing. I really let my emotions get ahead of me back there, didn’t I?

He was just about to figure out where to go next when his head suddenly felt like it had been hit with a brick. He went sprawling to the ground, as the headache grew more and more painful with every passing millisecond.

“Hello, my friend. Whatever are you doing on the ground? Oh yes, I remember: I put you there.” Leo just groaned as the voice invaded his ears.

“I’m afraid that as a candidate you cannot leave. Your absence would be felt deeply since you have shone a very small glimmer of success in this operation. My employers would not be pleased if I let you continue on this path,” the voice told him.

Leo gritted his teeth.

“Oh yeah? Just try and stop me. You and your employers can go die as far as I’m concerned,” he said as he forced himself to his feet and continued walking despite the increasing sensation of pain in his head.

“It would be unwise for you to underestimate my abilities, Leo. My generosity in … reviving your worthless corpse was not free. You still have a debt to pay. I suggest you think carefully before answering.”

“Bite me,” Leo growled as he stumbled further along the path.

“So be it. Praestigiae!”


A hallway lined with clinical white panels, an equally white light shining from the ceiling, and a strange mechanical humming. Leo was puzzled, and rightfully so. He didn’t remember entering this place.

Holding his tail close to his body for warmth in the cold facility, he started walking down the hallway.
Suddenly, the panels on both sides of the corridor started to shift. They slowly moved closer to each other, sealing off the hallway.

Leo gasped and started sprinting down the path, but his steps were halted as the floor opened up beneath him, sending him down to a place forsaken by even Giratina. His screams went unheard by sentient ears.

Dazed, Leo looked up as the small chute connecting to the hallway directly above disappeared.
He looked around; dark, cracked concrete slabs walled him in on three sides, leaving only a single exit to the strange room. Groaning as he got to his feet, he held his tail out in front of him to light the dark passage.

Faint sounds of screeching metal mingled with the occasional echoing drip of some forgotten faucet, but even the subtle background noises couldn’t hold back the oppressive silence that permeated every inch of the decrepit building.

It wasn’t the lack of any signs of life in the place, or even the haunting sounds that resonated from beyond the walls that scared him, it was the murals. All along the wall, hundreds of them painted there.

Some were abstract, showing faceless figures running from some unseen threat, but it was the vivid paintings that could lay the foundation for nightmares.

A man laying in a puddle of his own blood, crushed by a cloud of green. Blurs of colors fused into a gigantic rainbow vortex that consumed an entire wall.

Words of unknown origin were scrawled in some sort of insane pattern, each phrase accompanied by screaming figures or ominous red eyes. And the worst one of all was when he saw himself among one of the prophetic murals.

He traced a claw across a painted Charmeleon figure was backed up against a wall of darkness with the phrases “Nowhere to run!” , “Too Many Variables!”, and “Can’t Escape!” Leo was perplexed at how it was only the words seemed to float, shift, and flip until he could read them.

There were other countless murals on the wall that he couldn’t understand, but had no time to ponder why that was as the hallway violently lurched, throwing him to the ground.

Maybe it was his mind playing tricks on him, but Leo realized that he saw a light at the end of the passageway that hadn’t been there before. He hopped to his feet and started running towards the glow, not caring about the danger.

Another rumble shook the building, slamming Leo into the hard wall. Stars danced in his vision as his head knocked against the concrete. Aside from his aching skull, he didn’t feel nearly the amount of pain he expected.

He got to his feet and noticed that an odd smell was in the air along with a weird hissing sound. He wasn’t sure what the strange smell was, only that it smelled strongly of rotten eggs and it seemed to appear where ever the hissing was.

CH4 + 2 O2 → CO2 + 2 H2O, he wasn’t sure what to make of the numbers and letters his brain had decided to show him, but he knew he was in for a bad time regardless.

It was then that he noticed that the small glowing light at the end of the tunnel was growing closer and brighter. He couldn’t figure out why this was until an immense wave of heat washed over him. His eyes widened as his mind finally managed to put the puzzle together. The glowing light was fire, and that smell was none other then methane gas.

His feet froze as he clutched the wall in fear. He stared at the growing flame as the seconds counted down until it ignited the pocket of gas around him. In the final moments before incineration, muttering voices from the murals all bore down on him, screaming insanity as he squeezed his eyes shut and plugged his ears in a vain effort to block them out.

He wasn’t sure why, but suddenly it felt like his body wasn’t under his control anymore. He removed his clawed hands from his ears even though he wanted to press them in farther. His eyes opened and his legs moved until he was standing in the middle of the hallway, the inferno growing ever closer.

He had no chance to brace himself, or even utter a quick prayer to anyone who might be listening. There was only a loud hissing noise as the flames caught onto the gaseous fuel and combusted the entire cloud of methane.

Leo shut his eyes as he waited for the inevitable heat of the flames to embrace his skin, only to have his body convulse in near shock as a frigid blast of air and powdered snow blew past him. After blinking a few times to ensure he wasn’t dreaming, Leo turned around in a circle.

All around him was a vast plain of ice and snow that extended farther then he could see. There was no sign of the mysterious hallway and the fire, and no explanation as to how he got to this wasteland. He stood in awe of the magnificent ice desert, the harsh Arctic sun glinting off the smooth deposits of ice.

The small falling flakes of snow fizzling into steam as they encountered Leo’s tail.
Taking a tentative first step forward onto a patch of ice, he felt his heartbeat stop when he heard a deep, ominous cracking noise from far below him.

In the blink of an eye, the pristine field of ice shattered into a million shards of ice. The ground he was standing on gave way to thin air and he fell into the massive crevasse. The frozen wind sliced through his scream like butter as he raced the ice shards to the black bottom of the abyss.

He twisted his body around, clawing wildly at the air as he hoped against hope that a handhold would appear. As soon as he brushed up against something metal embedded in the side of the chasm, his instincts kicked in and he dug his claws into the cold metal wall.

Leo saw sparks fly as his body was brought from terminal velocity to a screeching halt within the span of a second. Even though the forces of speed and gravity had temporarily relinquished their hold over his body, inertia had over plans, sending his head smashing into the hard steel at breakneck speeds.

Everything went dark as the abyss, the wall, and the ice faded.


“Wake up, scum!” The order cut across Leo’s unconscious mind as he slowly returned to the realm of the living.

Leo tried to yelp as a painful electric shock forcefully woke him up. He looked around the darkened room; he was sitting in a chair with his wrists secured to the arms.

A strange muzzle wrapped around his snout, making speech impossible. His breaths grew quicker as he looked up across the table in front of his chair.

Barely discernable from the darkened walls, two figures stood against the wall watching him intently. A third figure walked out from behind his chair to the other two, twirling a strange, black machine in his fingers.

Leo was able to catch a glance of his captors when he briefly stepped into the dim light. He was a human.
Leo’s mind went into a tailspin. Humans!? How!? What is this!? his mind shrieked as his body went numb.

“I don’t know, ‘ow about we just kill ‘im now? He isn’t important to anyone af’er all,” one of the leaning figures asked. Suddenly a voice came from an unseen speaker on the ceiling.

“Fine, just make it quick. We’ve got fifty-three more prisoners to ‘interrogate’, and there’s a shipment of a dozen new freshies captured from the riots down in the Steel Province.”

The human smiled as he casually walked up to Leo, his fingers unholstering a different, sinister device from his belt. Unable to talk, Leo shook his head violently as the human male pressed the device to the side of his head. Leo’s eyes grew wide in terror, as the human put a strong foot on the chair, keeping it and Leo secure.

“One less freak in the world now,” the prison guard said smugly as he pulled the trigger and in a blast of white light the world cut to black and he knew no more.



Leo landed on the dirt floor hard. Groaning, he slowly got to his feet, unsure of what sort of thing he’d have to go through next.

Wearily looking around, he saw that he was in a large, circular pit with a high stone sides, a dirt floor, and a strange white light shinning from above the entrance of the pit. After what seemed minutes of absolutely nothing happening except the routine passage of time, the ground started vibrating.

After being nearly incinerated, frozen, crushed, and shot, Leo realized he was getting somewhat jaded. He barely flinched as the center of the floor exploded in a shower of dirt and pebbles and a rather familiar, sentient blue tank crawled out of it.

“Oh, it’s you,” Nexus said quietly before letting out a primal, static-filled war cry and charging at Leo.

Leo sighed, unfazed at the spectacle, he knew it would just pass through him like all the others did and he’d be transported somewhere else. The illusion Nexus came to a screeching halt inches away from the bored Charmeleon.

Her phantom circuits nearly shorted with the thought of an unafraid enemy, but she quickly got over herself and grabbed the unsuspecting Leo with her front foot, squeezing him tightly.

“You do know that courage is not the absence of fear, right? Wait, that can’t be right. You’re not courageous, you’re just stupid.”

Leo felt like his ribs were going to explode; he let out a pained yell, hoping someone would hear him. Nexus chuckled as she threw the Charmeleon into the ground like a bouncy ball, except he didn’t bounce when he hit the floor.

He didn’t have time to register the fact that his entire body was screaming in pain as the “illusion” Nexus picked him up once more and slammed him down again onto the packed dirt. She continued to repeat this process, while Leo hoped that he would slip into the painless bliss of unconsciousness. He didn’t.

He wasn’t sure how Nexus wasn’t going deaf from his screams, or indeed, how he was still able to scream when his neck should have snapped long ago. Somewhere in the deepest recess of his mind, he was wondering how his mind was still conscious even though his threshold of tolerance was crossed long ago.

Leo screamed, not stopping as the possessed Metagross’s blows continued to rain down on his battered form. Somehow, his screams became even louder for an instant as he felt his right arm break, and again when every bone in his legs shatter into tiny fragments as Nexus smashed them with her leg not unlike what a hammer does to nails.

Even if he could, he was unable to stop the one-sided beating, as his muscles seemed to be paralyzed by some unknown force — probably shock. Unable to do anything else, he continued to scream while Nexus laughed as she splintered what remained of his left arm with a crushing blow.


Leo didn’t remember if he passed out during Nexus’s carnage, but he was glad he couldn’t feel anything anymore. Leo couldn’t see; anything outside of his immediate proximity was complete and utter darkness.

“There were others. Others who failed to comply. Their fates weren’t pretty, but you must learn through example it seems. Study their faces well.”

The darkness rippled and distorted as colors filled the void. Red and gold hues blended together to build a dying sunset, grey and steel slithered over each other like vines, becoming a oppressing wall, and in the center of the courtyard, a single figure of blue was being dragged onto a pedestal in the middle of the yard.

The scene came into focus; the Golduck, escorted by a squad of Magnemite was bound to one of the several stone pillars that jutted from the pedestal floor. He seemed to not to struggle as the floating spheres fastened the metal cords around his body.

Leo wasn’t sure how he was watching this scene; he could see the guards but they showed no signs of acknowledging his existence. The Golduck closed its eyes as the final cord was tightened; it looked like any chance of escape was extinguished.

The Magnemite chattered amongst themselves for a small moment before lining up in a single, uniform line exactly ten feet away from the base of the pillar. At the direction of a large zebra like Pokemon, the Magnemite units eagerly began spinning their magnet arms, charging up tremendous amounts of very lethal electricity.

The Golduck simply lowered his head, his will to prove himself innocent apprently long since broken in the two days he had been in this prison. As if drawn by a morbid part of his brain, Leo couldn’t his turn his gaze away from the impending execution.

The Zebstrika let out a quick whinny and stamped the ground three times. The Magnemite calmed their charging and took aim at their prisoner.
The commanding Pokemon stamped the ground twice more as sparks flew from her hoof. The Magnemite went silent as the Golduck looked up one last time.

The Zebstrika stamped the ground one last time. Just as the executors were about to fire their volley of electricity, time seemed to slow down like it had been replaced with frozen molasses.

“Good evening, Jack. I sense that something is troubling you. Whatever could it be?”

“Go away. P-please. I-I’m done, finished,” the Golduck’s strained voice croaked.

“Oh, believe me, my friend. This will be the last time I burden you with a visit. Since I know you are not a Pokemon to ‘beat around the bush’, as it were; I’ll get straight to the point.”

“W-what?” Jack asked as the Mismagius continued to float around the piller.

“You have proven to me that you are clearly unqualified for the generous employment opportunity my superiors offered you. They have given you many chances to change this view, and they now agree with me that your time is up.

“You’re telling me that you’re done following me? R-really?”

“I am done being the Deus Ex Machina for you; saving you from an imminent demise . I regret nothing, Jack. Standards must be upheld in this business, and you have failed to do so.”

“F-finally! I’m free! I’m free!” Jack screamed in insane joy as the frozen Magnemites began to move once more. Their bright bolts of electricity arcing through the air as they homed in on the captive water type.

“Kyogre, Lugia, Suicune! Thank you! Thank y--!” The electricity hit him square in the chest. It coursed through his body, amplified by the metal cords. His agonized screams were drowned out as the scene blurred and another took its place.

“I’m afraid …”

A small, blue and white squirrel clung to a thin branch of a tree, an abyss stretched out beneath it. Unable to take the creature’s weight, the limb snapped, sending the Pachirisu downward.

“… that your observation …”

With those words, the world changed once again. A small, purple and cream colored cat was backed into a dark alley, several larger figures snarled as they surrounded her. Without warning the figures launched separate beams of ice, fire, and green energy at the cowering Pokemon. As they collided with her, the landscape dissolved and reformed again.

“… has been …”

Two figures, one small and one large, hugged each other as a loud, insane growl shook the ruined tower around them. They instantly became enveloped in a bright, white light as the world ended.

“…terminated.”

A battered Ninetales and equally worn brown fox skidded to a halt as the cliff-side path ended abruptly, leaving only an uninviting abyss beyond. It looked to the path behind it, a large mob of Pokemon blocked off their escape. Magnemites and a score of Pokemon Leo had never seen before all closed in on the fleeing duo. Suddenly, a streak of shadow rushed out and knocked the Ninetales off the side, where it hung on only by the efforts of its smaller companion.

Without warning, the Magnemite fire off a volley of lightning, hitting the duo directly. The Ninetales’ companion couldn’t hold on and they both fell into the crevasse. Their screams are cut off by a dim flash of blue from within the gorge as the ground started vibrating.

“Effective …”

A white-furred Pokemon with a patch of red fur around its claws swiped at a large, black snake. The snake retaliated by swinging its razor-sharp tail at the Zangoose’s neck. It was a direct hit. The Zangoose fell to the ground clutching its neck as its life bled out of the wound.

“… immediately.”

An electric yellow mouse braced itself as a wall of water crashed down on top of it.

A small, brown creature with a mask of bone on its head smashed its bone club onto its attacker, to no avail.

A tiny blue, penguin slipped on the wet rock of the cave as its bloodthirsty pursuers caught up with it. Its screams of terror were amplified by the acoustics of the cave system.

“Good luck in the afterlife, former candidates.”


As before, the blackness was soon pierced by a voice colder then the wasteland he was in earlier.

“Shall we continue? There are – or rather, there were--- one-hundred and fifty-eight candidates when I began this operation on behalf of my employers. As you can see, a … considerable amount of your comrades have been … disposed of. I can assure you that continuing on this path of yours will result in immediate termination of potential employment and all future work opportunities. I won’t be vague with you, Leo. You comply with standards, or you will die in every possible meaning of the word. If this isn’t a ‘compelling reason’ for going along with my employer’s plan then I don’t know what is. This is your final warning, Leo.”

“Wake up, Leo. Wake up, and face the consequences.”


“Wake up, Leo!” Jay’s voice shouted from above his unmoving form.

“This doesn’t look good. Leo, can you hear me? Oh no, oh no, oh no …” Kelly’s worried tone sounded after Jay.

Leo groaned softly as feeling returned to the vast majority of his body. He slowly struggled to move his legs as pinpricks of pain shot through his nerves.

“Thank the Creator, you’re alright!” Kelly exclaimed as he nearly collapsed to the ground again she as hugged him in joy. A pained groan from the Charmeleon caused Kelly to break her embrace.

“So, what happened to you? One minute you’re intent on leaving us, the next you’re on the ground screaming like Giratina himself came for your soul. Mind telling us exactly what happened?” Jay asked as he grabbed Leo’s arm and forced him to his feet. Leo winced in pain at being jerked upwards.

“Nothing happened. I’m … fine,” Leo huffed as he tried to take a step forward. Instead of moving ahead, he ended up clutching a nearby tree for support as his legs almost gave out.

“No. You’re not fine, Leo. You’re going back to the base, and you’re going to tell us everything. Whether you like it or not,” Jay stated as he grabbed Leo by the shoulder and peeled him off the tree.

The sudden change in momentum and position proved to be too much for the traumatized Charmeleon as he fell to his hands and knees and threw up whatever remained in his stomach on the forest trail.

“Leo! Jay, help me with him!” Kelly yelled as the Riolu reluctantly hoisted Leo to his feet. Using Kelly and Jay as support, Leo gingerly walked back towards his temporary home, uncertain what the next day would hold for him.

“I-I’m sorry. For everything.” Leo whispered as he slowly limped along the trail.


Two Hours Later

In a small booth in the darkest corner of the café in Loyalty, a group of Pokemon conversed. The loud chatter of the late-night patrons all around them providing more then enough noise pollution to keep their affairs from potential eavesdroppers.

There where three Pokemon at the booth, to be precise. Two of them sat scrunched up against each other on one side of the booth, while leaving a respectable amount of space for their superior on the other half.

“Didn’t your team gain a recruit recently?” the authoritative figure said to his two subordinates.

The two he was addressing looked at each other for a second before answering.

“We thought best not to include him in this business until after we could trust him.”

Their superior chuckled, “Wise choice, now why I’ m here…”

“There have been only two instances, though they’ll straighten out on their own. We do have three teams on the threat list though that need to be … you know… dispatched as soon as possible … before the damage worsens that is,” the figure on the right of the booth reported.

“That will put a strain on our available resources, but you’re sure they pose a threat to the general’s plans?”

“We’re certain, especially team Beta. What’s happened to them is too much of to be a coincidence. They, Alpha, and Gamma need to be disposed of quickly.”

“Of course. It that it?” the superior asked.

“Sir, the king, he’s tightened security, as I’m certain you’ve noticed. It’s going to be much harder to get anything done with them in the way.”

“Never you mind about them. There are contingency plans in place to take care of ‘his royal highness’ when the time is right. Now go, your positions cannot be compromised. Not when we’re so close to the end.”

“So, the rumors are true then? About the war. It’s almost over?”

“….. Yes. It will all be over soon. Now get back to your positions.”

“Yes, sir. For the Colonies.”

“For the Colonies …”

The figures then left as unnoticed as they entered; not one of the patrons even knew they were there.


“Sir, I’m sorry to intrude on your … solitude. However, I believe I have received enough optimal data from my observations. I can firmly say with utmost confidence that I believe Phase One is over. The time to initiate Phase Two is nigh …”

End Chapter Six


Author’s Notes:

Wow, this took longer then I thought it would, but it’s still what I consider “timely” do to school now constricting my time like an anaconda does pray,

I really tried to give Team Salient a “relaxing” chapter, and I did in a way since they weren’t really injured by a dungeon boss or anything.
I want your thoughts on how I handled Leo’s “illusion trip”, was it “weird” enough or not? Or was it just something else entirely?

I told you all this before, but I can honestly say that the next few chapters are where the great plot gears in this machine of a fanfic finally start turning. Expect action. Expect the unexpected. Expect school related delays.

Thanks to everyone who reads my work, silent or not. From the bottom of my heart, thanks. You’ve all shown so much support for this even though it’s not even ten chapters old. I promise you all that I will always strive to make each new chapter better than the last.

Knightfall signing off …;005;

jireh the provider
10th September 2012, 12:11 PM
ery Nice Appeal. Its been 3 weeks you know, since I've stopped at chapter 4. I read 5th and 6th today. Had to deal with college exams for those 3 weeks. But You know what, here are my views.

-I am seeing a lot of themes in your story from Assassins Creed 2, brotherhood, and Revelations. Especially with the illusion travel poor charmeleon had to undergone. He must be the Desmond under Ezio's influence.
-Oh no, Metagross is possessed? He's just as horrible to remember as Rayquaza in Sapphire.
-Then they faced near death situations in PMD esque style mixed with Far Cry 3.
-If you can correct me, tel me: Leo is the protagonist (Charmeleon), Kelly is the female Jolteon, Ray is Riolu?, I'm not sure who's dewott.

Azurus
10th September 2012, 12:36 PM
Very excellent chapter, the sequence was a little jumpy but for a reason, that being that it's supposed to be. Anyway, here's what I have for errors.

Is continues to evade... *continued*

She never planed to stay *planned*

burning with emotion he lack earlier. *lacked

The ground he was standing on gave *added*

“About damn time you stopped being to vague,” *so*

"I’m regret nothing" *I regret nothing or I'm regretting nothing, doesn't sound right otherwise.*

Keep up the good work Knightfall, I always look foward to more.

Brutaka
10th September 2012, 2:21 PM
It began to smoke and blacken as it quickly turned to ash. Without another thought closed her eyes.
Without another thought she closed her eyes.


She wasn’t sure when she woke up from her delusion, but when she did, she gathered a bag of supplies, left a letter incase her parents ever returned, and set off away from Solace and everything she had ever known.
...left a letter in case her parents ever returned...


She never planed to stay, but when she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations.
...but then she met...


Jay just closed his eyes. “Cobalion, damn it…” he muttered.
Again, I love how your using the legends to swear too...but that one didnt work. Just saying.


I’m regret nothing, Jack.
I regret nothing...


Their where three Pokemon at the booth, to be precise.
There where three...


Other than those, it was a brilliant chapter. Charmeleon's crazy trip is sure to put him in his place. Nexus still reminds me of GlaDOS, even in illusion form. Keep up the good work!

Knightfall
10th September 2012, 11:39 PM
Thanks for your responces, everyone!

@jireh, I have never played any of those games, but the illusion Leo had was very powerful, no doubt there.
As for Wire (the Metagross), his fate remains to be determined.
You are correct with the characters. The Dewott has not made his apperence yet, but he will one of these days.

@Azurus, thanks. I fixed those mistakes. It's not like me to have so many wording errors, it does me no good if my writing is getting better if I keep leaving out words.

@Brutaka, fixed those errors as well. I knew it didn't sound well, but for some reason I didn't take it out. It's better now that I edited it.
It certainly looks like Leo has gotten the rebelious thoughts squashed out of him doesn't it? We'll see if his "trip" has any effect on the future.
I actually gave Nexus one of her lines ("Oh, it's you,"), I don't know why, it just fit. And her second line I got off of one of the Aperture Science posters from Portal 1. Again, it just fit.

Thanks everyone who reviewed, and to all those who read this.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

JFought
11th September 2012, 4:00 AM
The 6th Chapter was truly..... disturbing. Usually you wouldn't expect THAT much darkness from Pokemon. But then again, look at Zero from the Kirby series. Zero is the only character in all of Kirby to bleed, which is EXTREMELY dark for something as bright and whimsical as Kirby. So I guess this works, because if something truly disturbing could happen to one of Nintendo's youngest and cutest characters, then it could happen to ANYTHING. Just saying.

Knightfall
11th September 2012, 4:15 AM
Thanks, I was going for the dark/psychological horror aspect of Leo's troubled mind and his menevolent "observer".

I'm glad it came out well, since this was my first time really writing that sort of thing. Thanks for the feedback!

Knightfall signing off ... ;005;

jireh the provider
11th September 2012, 2:13 PM
Like dreams making a permanent impact to your life. I bet you know Assassins Creed. You see, the hero, Desmond Miles, has to uncover the secrets of his ancestors through a machine called an Animus since he holds the genes of his Assassin Ancestors.

You get the drill. Reminds me 2 years ago when I dreamed about the pokemon educating me their ways. And When I woke up, I had a moment that I don't know who I was or what happened before I had tat dream. The funny thing is that I temporarily don't know the word Human. Creepy

Sid87
14th September 2012, 12:51 PM
I start my new job in an hour, so I figured I'd get a review STARTED on this, and I can finish it up later when I have more time (BTW, am I not on a PM list for this? I don't recall getting one that this chapter was up).


They were tired, she knew it, and she was certain Jay and Leo knew it too. Kelly wasn’t sure how they’d arrived in the middle of Liberty Market, or even if Gear was telling the truth to begin with on the means of their arrival.
The last thing she remembered before waking up in Gear’s quarters in the jail was standing over Leo trying to heal his wound. As they walked through the Square she shot a glance at her strange teammate.

Still having trouble with the paragraphs, eh? ;)


She wasn’t going to complain, whatever had happened, she was glad it did when it did.

The "it did when it did" part is a bit awkward there. I'd say, if it were me, "...whatever had happened, she was glad it happened when it did" or "...she was glad it did at that moment".


As far as she was concerned, Leo was as close of a teammate and friend as Jay and she was not about to lose a friend.

Should be a comma after "Jay".


His “interrogation” of them was merely asking them if they knew what happened. When they’d answered that they didn’t, he’d taken the liberty to recount to them eye witness accounts of the incident.

"recount" and "account" used so closely together here just reads a little weird. "recount accounts". Heh, I dunno why. Maybe change "accounts" to "reports"?


They then told him of the Metagross; Gear assured them that wanted posters were already being put up at all nearby stations. After Gear was finished with his questions, he suggested that they lay low and relax for a couple days and Kelly agreed completely.

Comma after "relax for a couple days".


Gear, in some sort of pity, felt it in his heart to give them all badges to replace the ones lost the day before.

A few things here: I don't love "in some sort of pity", because the narration is Kelly-focused, and I see no reason she would KNOW that's why Gear did it. So maybe "Gear, possibly purely out of pity, decided to give them all badges..." (I don't like the "felt it in his heart", either).


She looked at Leo again, unlike Jay who just wore a tired expression, he seemed … almost jumpy.

Semi-colon after "Leo again". Or put an "and" after the comma.


She let out a sigh of relief when she saw their base after leaving the forest trail. It may not have originally been theirs, but it seemed thoroughly abandoned by the previous owners so she and Jay quickly took up residence in it.

Foreshadowing? Will we have to deal with angry, displaced, former owners? Uh oh!


Every night she whispered a prayer to Raikou that fate wouldn’t come back to haunt them for taking advantage of this, or if it did, at the very least haunt Jay.

Funny. Again, I like the usage of other legendaries other than just praying to Arceus. Also, put an "it" before "haunt Jay".


-All right, I know that's not much of it, but I've got to go shower and get dressed. I'll be back, of course.

rangernumber-x
17th September 2012, 9:22 PM
Well, after many school related delays of my own, and bits of pure laziness, here's the comment!

Kill them all …killthemallkillthemallkillthemall! KILL THEM ALLLLLLLL! ZZT!” Whoa there, calm down. Is that officer Magnezone? Sounds (types?) like him.

It may not have originally been theirs, but it seemed thoroughly abandoned by the previous owners so she and Jay quickly took up residence in it. Please don;t tell me this is a minute hint towards a sub-plot, later in the story (or tell me, I'm not the boss of you).

She shook her head, that letter was six months old and she still hadn’t wrote back. Why would I? They left me for the Colonies. Is this some sort of civil war? The king against the colonies? Has that already been said and I'm being stupid?

After two weeks of nothing, she overheard conversations that spoke of reignited civil war between the Kingdom and the Colonies....that was on purpose, wasn't it?

“Fine. Let’s go find that undeserving piece of –” Jay nearly swore, but was cut off as Kelly dragged him out of the base. I am running through several scenes of pulling/pushing in my mind. I don't know how to imagine it, though.

“Hello, my friend. Whatever are you doing on the ground? Oh yes, I remember: I put you there.” Great. Yet another big headed, evil maniac.

CH4 + 2 O2 → CO2 + 2 H2OWhat's with all the science? Planning to read this out in chemistry lessons? But really, why?

Nexus chuckled as she threw the Charmeleon into the ground like a bouncy ball, except he didn’t bounce when he hit the floor. And the most useful addition at the end of a sentence goes to...

“About damn time you stopped being to vague,” Jack growled. What, a big headed, evil maniac being vague? When has that ever happened?

“Sir, I’m sorry to intrude on your … solitude. However, I believe I have received enough optimal data from my observations. I can firmly say with upmost confidence that I believe Phase One is over. The time to initiate Phase Two is nigh …” I really hope that you are actually make some sense out of this soon. I am going to take a random guess, that one of the members of that mystery team is the dewott, and the mysterious figure will appear as a mismagnus. Just seems that way to me.

Overall, a great chapter. It's nice (if that's the word) to see a darker turn on PMD. Look forward to the next chapter. Bye!

Knightfall
17th September 2012, 10:10 PM
Alright, responce time!

I fixed all that you pointed out. Thanks, Sid. And I'm still working on my reivew. It's not done yet, but it's getting there.

Oh, and there's a small little plot bit that I have planned about why no one prays to Arceus. It'll be interesting.

And rangernumberx, thanks for your review.


Whoa there, calm down. Is that officer Magnezone? Sounds (types?) like him.

Not Officer Gear, no. Good guess though. The true being behind that quote remains to be seen.



Please don;t tell me this is a minute hint towards a sub-plot, later in the story (or tell me, I'm not the boss of you).


Both you and Sid asked the same question. And the answer is, maybe. I intended it to just be a little piece of trivia for the backstory, but I may decide to include a "minute" subplot about it to go along with all the other subplots I got going on.



Is this some sort of civil war? The king against the colonies? Has that already been said and I'm being stupid?
...that was on purpose, wasn't it?


It's been hinted at before (remember the war posters from Chapter Three?), but never directly stated. I think.
Eh, I say yes. Yes it was.



Great. Yet another big headed, evil maniac.

We'll see much more about him later....



What's with all the science? Planning to read this out in chemistry lessons? But really, why?

Well, science is a major theme in this story. The prologue for instance was based off of a Portal 2 music video I saw. We'll see more of it later on. And the reason I chose that equation was because it's the one for the combustion of methane gas, and to hint that Leo is/was sort of smart.



And the most useful addition at the end of a sentence goes to...

I love writing anything with Nexus in it. She's such a lovable character.



What, a big headed, evil maniac being vague? When has that ever happened?

Again, we'll be seeing more later on.



I really hope that you are actually make some sense out of this soon. I am going to take a random guess, that one of the members of that mystery team is the dewott, and the mysterious figure will appear as a mismagnus. Just seems that way to me.


I hope so too. I neither confirm nor deny your guesses. Only time will tell if you're right.



Overall, a great chapter. It's nice (if that's the word) to see a darker turn on PMD. Look forward to the next chapter. Bye!

Heh, when I started this story, I never intended for it to be this dark. It just sort of took that path itself, and I love it.

Glad you're looking forward to the next one. I'll try to have it up in a timely fashion, but school is ever the antagonist in my life. So, we'll see.

Knightfall signing off ...;005;

Sid87
22nd September 2012, 12:06 PM
Kel? Please write back.
We can only hope this letter reaches you.

I’m- we’re sorry about everything. You have no idea what is like as a father being unable to do nothing but write letters knowing his daughter is alone somewhere in the world. I can’t possibly express how badly we miss you. Your mother cries every night believing it was her fault that you’re not with us.

I’m sorry. I know you think we failed you as parents, and I think the same way. We were putting our own interests ahead of our only daughter and for that, I will never forgive myself, nor will your mother for that matter.

We wish terribly that you were with us, but we can’t leave the Colonies. The Pokemon here need us, we must do our duty and lead them through this crisis. Though if the general would let us, we’d have you here at Latios speed. We try everyday to secure passage for you, but the war is making it difficult as you know.

Kelly, we love you. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, even though you probably hate us now. For one and a half years, we’ve been away from you, and for an entire year and a half it’s broken our hearts to be so far away from the joy of our lives.

I can only pray to Arceus that you are healthy and are happy with where you are. I am certain that you have grown into the strong Pokemon I’d always hoped you would become.
I promise you we will be together again as a family. Even if we have to commit treason to do so, we will see you again. Please, Kelly, forgive us.

Your loving parents.

Hey! Character development! I was foolishly expecting Kelly and Jay to just basically be side character friends, but no...they have a history, too. Good job!



She shook her head, that letter was six months old and she still hadn’t wrote back.

*hadn't written.


Tears welling in her eyes, she held the letter in her paw as the minute charge flowed up her forearm and into the letter. It began to smoke and blacken as it quickly turned to ash. Without another thought she closed her eyes.

This is kind of like the Magnemite thing from earlier. Jolteon is quadrupedal, so the idea of it HOLDING something in its hand seems weird to me. Like a cat holding a letter. :)


As she slept, memories from two years ago resurfaced in the form of a nightmare.
She was in her parent’s home, alone. They had been gone for a week now, but that was usual.

This transition was, to me, a bit jarring and sudden. It wasn't as smooth and natural as the rest of your writing, and seemed like you just thought "Okay, I have to get into this dream, so here it is".


She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.

She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.

I tend to get critiqued for using paragraphs that are too long, so take this with a grain of salt coming from me, but some of these Kelly backstory paragraphs are a little choppy with how they are broken up. Like the two I quoted here for example; they could have just been combined. The flow would work better (for me) that way. But, like I said, paragraph length is apparently not a strength of mine, so...


She was happy, just as her parents hoped she would be and she didn’t need them.

Comma before "and".


He constantly went through all of the experiences he had ever since joining this Team Salient, and with each one, he grew more and more uncertain of his wellbeing.

Not in love with this sentence. It's just...off to me. "constantly" reads as a long-term affliction. Maybe "continually" would be better. "Well-being" should be hyphenated. And maybe change the one part to "the experiences he'd had". You shouldn't use contractions in narration, but it reads better than "he had had".


He was relieved that both Jay and Kelly shared his idea of not doing a job today, though the relief didn’t last long as his thoughts from the night before continued to plague him.

Should be a comma after "last long". Didn't I once tell you not to comma before an "as"? Hm, well. It's a rule that can be broken. Put it this way, if you can change the "as" for "and/but/or" and the sentence still reads the same, you use the comma.


Jay shot to his feet before she did, running to the Charmeleon and tried to grab onto his shoulder.

Change "running" to "ran", and put a comma after "Charmeleon". Or you could put a comma after "Charmeleon" and a "he" before "tried".


-Okay, ugh. I have to put a delay on this AGAIN. I'll -HOPEFULLY- finish it this weekend. :)

EDIT: Trying to add some more here before I leave for family visitin'!



Leo ran out of the yard as fast as he could, he had to get as far away from here as he could before something nearly killed him again. He sprinted onto the dirt pathway that lead into the woods, not quite sure were he was going, but he didn’t care.

I feel like there could have been a better slow burn here; I might have missed it, but I wasn't getting the sense from Leo that he was getting more and more terrified of his circumstances. I mean, I knew he was a bit worried, but I wasn't getting a sense that anything like this would come over him. It seems to have come out of nowhere, this fear and dread to the point of running in terror.


“So be it. Praestigiae!”

That's either a Harry Potter spell or he just sneezed. Gesundheit! :)


He looked around; dark, cracked concrete slabs walled him in on three sides, leaving only a single exit to the strange room. Groaning as he got to his feet, he held his tail out in front of him to light the dark passage.

I like the realistic, well-imagined ways that Leo is using his tail for warmth and then fir light. You've clearly put thought into the ramifications of having a fire tail.


Another rumble shook the building, slamming Leo into the hard wall. Stars danced in his vision as his head knocked against the concrete. Aside from his aching skull, he didn’t feel nearly the amount of pain he expected to feel.

I'd cut off the last two words. Saying "feel" again is redundant, but you don't want to end in a preposition, either. Just end it with "expected".


CH4 + 2 O2 → CO2 + 2 H2O, he wasn’t sure what to make of the numbers and letters his brain had decided to show him, but he knew he was in for a bad time regardless.

Son, I'm an old man. It's been a LONG time since I had a chemistry class. :)


He had no chance to brace himself, or even utter a quick prayer to anyone who might be listening. There was only a loud “whoosh!” as the flames caught onto the gaseous fuel and combusted the entire cloud of methane.

"Whoosh!" Heh. It's fun. But I would advice against using sound effects in narration. Just say, I dunno, "a loud burst of flames..." maybe.


The small falling flakes of snow fizzling into steam as they encountered Leo’s tail.

Again with the tail imagery. Nice!


The human smiled as he casually walked up to Leo, his fingers upholstering a different, sinister device from his belt.

This might be my favorite typo ever, and I DID get a good laugh out of the thought of someone upholstering a gun, but I think you meant UNholstering. But again, thanks for the image of a fabric gun. :)


“One less freak in the world now,” the prison guard said smugly as he pulled the trigger and a blast of white light erupted from the end of the machine and traveled the few millimeters to Leo’s head.

I think that bit about the white light traveling to Leo's head might be a bit too narrative and flowery. It doesn't really describe the scene to me other than make it seem like it's a really slow process.


Wearily looking around, he saw that he was in a large, circular pit with a high stone sides, a dirt floor, and a strange white light shinning from above the entrance of the pit. After what seemed minutes of absolutely nothing happening accept the routine passage of time, the ground started vibrating.

*EXCEPT, not accept.


After being nearly incinerated, frozen, crushed, and shot, Leo realized he was getting somewhat jaded. He barely flinched as the center of the floor exploded in a shower of dirt and pebbles and a rather familiar, sentient blue tank crawled out of it.

Heh. I can see this. It leads me to something I wanted to mention, but haven't found the time:

I'm expecting that we'll see a buildup in Leo's character of defeat and hopelessness. After this whole thing that the Voice is putting him through, he's probably going to have a sense of utter defeat and inability to decide his own fate. That's a pretty damning thing to have to undergo, and I imagine it would just devastate the psyche of even the best of people. I mentioned that I didn't really buy Leo's apparently sudden DIRE FEAR of death and pain that led to his running from Kelly and Jay, but I know from your previous chapters that you are generally really good with characterization, so I'm just assuming we'll see a setting in of depression and defeat in Leo (pending how this chapter ends, I guess).



“Oh, it’s you,” Nexus said quietly before letting out a primal, static-filled war cry and charged at Leo.

Another tense disagreement: "charging" instead of "charged".

-I'm getting there! :) I should be done soon at this rate. Hopefully.

Hm, my router/cable connection seems to be on the fritz, so while I'm waiting for this to load and save, I'll write you a haiku:

Leo in trouble;
First flames, then ice, then gunshot.
Hurry, Jay and Kel!



Even if he could, he was unable to stop the one-sided beat down, as his muscles seemed to be paralyzed by some unknown force — probably shock. Unable to do anything else, he continued to scream while Nexus laughed as she splintered what remained of his left arm with a crushing blow.

I would just say "beating" instead of "beatdown", which is a bit too colloquial in the narration for my taste.


Leo wasn’t sure how he was watching this scene, but he could see them but the guards showed no signs of acknowledging his existence. The Golduck closed its eyes as the final cord was tightened; it looked like any chance of escape was extinguished.

The first sentence is a hot mess. :) Needs more punctuation or something. Maybe"Leo was not sure how he was watching this scene; he could see the guards, but they showed no signs of acknowledging his existence."


The Golduck simply lowered his head, his will to prove himself innocent long since broken in the two days he had been in this prison. As if drawn by a morbid part of his brain, Leo couldn’t his turn his gaze away from the impending execution.

I would add an "apparently" or something into the first sentence to make more consistent narration since Leo doesn't psychically KNOW that's what happened.


“About damn time you stopped being to vague,” Jack growled.

I don't like this flippant aggression from Jack when the rest of the scene shows a battered, desperate, worn-down pokemon. This really seems to fly in the face of every other line in this scene that establishes what all he's gone through.


“Kyogre, Lugia, Suicune! Thank you! Thank y--!” The electricity hit him square in the chest. It coursed through his body, amplified by the metal cords. His agonized screams were drowned out as the scene blurred and another took its place.

“I’m afraid …”

A small, blue and white squirrel clung to a thin branch of a tree, an abyss stretched out beneath it. Unable to take the creature’s weight, the limb snapped, sending the Pachirisu downward.

“… that your observation …”

With those words, the world changed once again. A small, purple and cream colored cat was backed into a dark alley, several larger figures snarled as they surrounded her. Without warning the figures launched separate beams of ice, fire, and green energy at the cowering Pokemon. As they collided with her, the landscape dissolved and reformed again.

“… has been …”

Two figures, one small and one large, hugged each other as a loud, insane growl shook the ruined tower around them. They instantly became enveloped in a bright, white light as the world ended.

“…terminated.”

A battered Ninetales and equally worn brown fox skidded to a halt as the cliff-side path ended abruptly, leaving only an uninviting abyss beyond. It looked to the path behind it, a large mob of Pokemon blocked off their escape. Magnemites and a score of Pokemon Leo had never seen before all closed in on the fleeing duo. Suddenly, a streak of shadow rushed out and knocked the Ninetales off the side, where it hung on only by the efforts of its smaller companion.

Without warning, the Magnemite fire off a volley of lightning, hitting the duo directly. The Ninetales’ companion couldn’t hold on and they both fell into the crevasse. Their screams are cut off by a dim flash of blue from within the gorge as the ground started vibrating.

“Effective …”

A white-furred Pokemon with a patch of red fur around its claws swiped at a large, black snake. The snake retaliated by swinging its razor-sharp tail at the Zangoose’s neck. It was a direct hit. The Zangoose fell to the ground clutching its neck as its life bled out of the wound.

“… immediately.”

An electric yellow mouse braced itself as a wall of water crashed down on top of it.

A small, brown creature with a mask of bone on its head smashed its bone club onto its attacker, to no avail.

A tiny blue, penguin slipped on the wet rock of the cave as its bloodthirsty pursuers caught up with it. Its screams of terror were amplified by the acoustics of the cave system.

“Good luck in the afterlife, former candidates.”

I liked this scene; I really did. It was very visual, and I could REALLY get a grasp if it working in several different forms of media (graphic novel, motion picture, etc). I am torn between thinking it might have dragged on a bit too much (When the Zebstrika started saying "Effective...", I thought, "Oh, he's still going, huh? I thought we were done here") and thinking that the sheer multitude of images Leo is getting should be a great way to go further into the desolation Leo should be feeling from here-out.


“Wake up, Leo. Wake up, and face the consequences.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wake up, Leo!” Jay’s voice shouted from above his unmoving form.

Oh, the dream-scene-***-reality. It's a bit shticky, but it IS tried and true. [EDIT: Okay, the word that is censored there is ***, which is NOT actually a dirty word. Of course, people USE it that way, but the word, used as I did, means the combination of two things, and is pronounced "koom"]



-Overall, I will admit to again being disappointed because the major impetus for this chapter--Leo's feeling of terror leading to his fleeing--was not, in my opinion, entirely buyable because I didn't have a great sense of that until, well, right when it happened. I would just watch for that going forward, and I mean that more as genuine surprise on my part than criticism: your pacing and characterization has generally been an absolute treat so far, so I was startled to see something like this that didn't feel so well tended to.

The narrative in this chapter was a bit off to me, as well. Some things just seemed a little too flowery in some parts or underdeveloped in others. I get that you have school going on again now, so you might have had the attention to dedicate to perfecting it as you have in the past. No matter, I'm sure it will be back to the high standards you've set for yourself soon enough.

On a second reading, I might like the Nexus scene more than I had initially. It DID do a good job of setting up the Leo-as-defeated establishment I talked about a few times, and the savage beating at her hands was pretty visceral, too.

Knightfall
23rd September 2012, 2:37 PM
My review of Chapter 16 is nearing completion, I promise to have it up today.



Hey! Character development! I was foolishly expecting Kelly and Jay to just basically be side character friends, but no...they have a history, too. Good job!


Yep, they both have histories. Just wait until you see what else I have planned. :)



This is kind of like the Magnemite thing from earlier. Jolteon is quadrupedal, so the idea of it HOLDING something in its hand seems weird to me. Like a cat holding a letter. :)


Eh, uh, look! A distraction!



This transition was, to me, a bit jarring and sudden. It wasn't as smooth and natural as the rest of your writing, and seemed like you just thought "Okay, I have to get into this dream, so here it is".


I was kind of thinking the same thing when I wrote it. So now, hopefully that entire transition reads much better then how it used to.



I tend to get critiqued for using paragraphs that are too long, so take this with a grain of salt coming from me, but some of these Kelly backstory paragraphs are a little choppy with how they are broken up. Like the two I quoted here for example; they could have just been combined. The flow would work better (for me) that way. But, like I said, paragraph length is apparently not a strength of mine, so...


Yeah, some of the formatting was off in this chapter. I fixed most of it, I think.



Not in love with this sentence. It's just...off to me. "constantly" reads as a long-term affliction. Maybe "continually" would be better. "Well-being" should be hyphenated. And maybe change the one part to "the experiences he'd had". You shouldn't use contractions in narration, but it reads better than "he had had".

~~~~
Should be a comma after "last long". Didn't I once tell you not to comma before an "as"? Hm, well. It's a rule that can be broken. Put it this way, if you can change the "as" for "and/but/or" and the sentence still reads the same, you use the comma.


Alright, I fixed the top sentence and the comma.



I feel like there could have been a better slow burn here; I might have missed it, but I wasn't getting the sense from Leo that he was getting more and more terrified of his circumstances. I mean, I knew he was a bit worried, but I wasn't getting a sense that anything like this would come over him. It seems to have come out of nowhere, this fear and dread to the point of running in terror.


Well, he is somewhat mentally unstable....
But you're right, I could have handled that scene better. I added some sentences that hopefully convey the build-up towards him fleeing slightly better.



That's either a Harry Potter spell or he just sneezed. Gesundheit! :)


Well, it's supposed to be Latin for "illusion", but it does seem odd I'll give you that.



I like the realistic, well-imagined ways that Leo is using his tail for warmth and then fir light. You've clearly put thought into the ramifications of having a fire tail.


Thanks, that's one thing I've always tried to include whenever I could.



Son, I'm an old man. It's been a LONG time since I had a chemistry class. :)


Heh, it's the equation for the combustion of methane.



"Whoosh!" Heh. It's fun. But I would advice against using sound effects in narration. Just say, I dunno, "a loud burst of flames..." maybe.


Fixed.



This might be my favorite typo ever, and I DID get a good laugh out of the thought of someone upholstering a gun, but I think you meant UNholstering. But again, thanks for the image of a fabric gun. :)


Damn, that was stupid of me. What was I thinking?



I think that bit about the white light traveling to Leo's head might be a bit too narrative and flowery. It doesn't really describe the scene to me other than make it seem like it's a really slow process.


Now that I look at it, you're right. It does seem too flowery. I fixed that sentence so it reads smoother now.



Heh. I can see this. It leads me to something I wanted to mention, but haven't found the time:

I'm expecting that we'll see a buildup in Leo's character of defeat and hopelessness. After this whole thing that the Voice is putting him through, he's probably going to have a sense of utter defeat and inability to decide his own fate. That's a pretty damning thing to have to undergo, and I imagine it would just devastate the psyche of even the best of people. I mentioned that I didn't really buy Leo's apparently sudden DIRE FEAR of death and pain that led to his running from Kelly and Jay, but I know from your previous chapters that you are generally really good with characterization, so I'm just assuming we'll see a setting in of depression and defeat in Leo (pending how this chapter ends, I guess).


Trust me, we'll see all the defeat and hopelessness over the next few chapters, along with some added mental instability and tension for good measure.
As I said before, I also felt like that scene wasn't handled well enough and I tried to fix it as best I could.
And you have to remember, we're talking a slightly insane character, he's not going to be thinking rationally. The memories his mind is showing him is enough to trigger his flight or fight responce.



Hm, my router/cable connection seems to be on the fritz, so while I'm waiting for this to load and save, I'll write you a haiku:

Leo in trouble;
First flames, then ice, then gunshot.
Hurry, Jay and Kel!


Thanks. That summerizes his ordeal in this chapter pretty well.



The first sentence is a hot mess. :) Needs more punctuation or something. Maybe"Leo was not sure how he was watching this scene; he could see the guards, but they showed no signs of acknowledging his existence."


Fixed.


I liked this scene; I really did. It was very visual, and I could REALLY get a grasp if it working in several different forms of media (graphic novel, motion picture, etc). I am torn between thinking it might have dragged on a bit too much (When the Zebstrika started saying "Effective...", I thought, "Oh, he's still going, huh? I thought we were done here") and thinking that the sheer multitude of images Leo is getting should be a great way to go further into the desolation Leo should be feeling from here-out.


Thanks, I really liked writing that scene. The Mismagius is such a great character to write as he's so dang mysterious. Though it seems that this scene is this chapter's only saving grace.



-Overall, I will admit to again being disappointed because the major impetus for this chapter--Leo's feeling of terror leading to his fleeing--was not, in my opinion, entirely buyable because I didn't have a great sense of that until, well, right when it happened. I would just watch for that going forward, and I mean that more as genuine surprise on my part than criticism: your pacing and characterization has generally been an absolute treat so far, so I was startled to see something like this that didn't feel so well tended to.

The narrative in this chapter was a bit off to me, as well. Some things just seemed a little too flowery in some parts or underdeveloped in others. I get that you have school going on again now, so you might have had the attention to dedicate to perfecting it as you have in the past. No matter, I'm sure it will be back to the high standards you've set for yourself soon enough.

On a second reading, I might like the Nexus scene more than I had initially. It DID do a good job of setting up the Leo-as-defeated establishment I talked about a few times, and the savage beating at her hands was pretty visceral, too.

I agree, this chapter was sort of a mess. I didn't have the time to allow myself to correct what should have been obvious mistakes. (Upholstering, my goodness)
I think I've said before that Leo's desicion to leave wasn't handled properly, but I've tried to fix it.

I will be back to my usual standards, don't you worry. Why do you think my newest chapter is taking so long? Quality over quantity, right?

Thanks, Nexus is also a fun character to write out. Such a lovely personality.

Again, thanks for everything, my chapters would be a mess without your advice.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Knightfall
24th October 2012, 12:15 AM
Chapter Seven: Interlude


“During the chaos following the Falling Star Incident thirty years ago, the Colonies were in complete anarchy. After two decades of failed missions, Queen Alexandria Lucario, wife of the newly-crowned King Nickolas made a solo quest to help. During her stay in the Colonies, a member of a revolutionary group, was able to kill her and himself with several Blast Seeds. Stricken with crushing grief, Nickolas was declared unfit to rule and a Senate was created. Immediately, this Senate levied a crushing tax on the province and all but destroyed their meager rights. It was no surprise that following the brief period of disorder after the Restoration of Time two years ago that the Colonies seceded from the Kingdom.”

—Excerpt from the Chronicles of King Nickolas Lucario, as recorded by Scizor of the Rescue Team Federation


“I already told you: I’m closed,” Aleck growled as he dumped the day’s meager earnings into a small cloth bag. The Pokemon on the other side of the counter was not to be denied however, even as Aleck systematically swiped each item off the counter and into a chest on the ground.

“I do not require your worthless supplies. Aleck, it is time. Your services are needed,” the Pokemon said, trying to hold the shopkeeper’s attention. Its wings buzzed quickly in irritation.

“T-Time? ... How do I know you are truthful, Scyther?” the Sableye whispered as the other Pokemon calmly spoke over him.

“... I come to you in a time of need, but I do not come on my knees,” the Pokemon said, tapping the counter with his scythe in a short, specific series of knocks.

Aleck nearly dropped his sack of Bronze Poke. He stared at the Scyther and smiled, recognition flashing in his crystal eyes.

“Greetings, good friend. Long have I waited to serve. I’m listening,” the Sableye said eagerly while trying to maintain a whisper.

“Indeed. Just do as the instructions say,” the Scyther said, casually sharpening his right scythe on his diamond-like carapace armor. After making sure they were truly alone on the street, the mantis reached down and carefully slid a folded paper onto the counter.

The imp-like shopkeeper cautiously took the browned scrap in his claws and unfolded it to examine the contents. "You want me to damn a few Pokemon? That's quite harsh. There are children on this list, you see that, yes?" Aleck slowly replied, tapping the sheet with his curved claws. The Scyther stopped him before he could continue with a gentle tap with the broad side of his scythe.

“They are dangerous to our cause and must be eliminated by properly to avoid suspicion. We have our 'mon in place as the paper says. Just be sure to give this parcel to him immediately,” the Scyther reassured Aleck as he used his scythes to carefully place down a folded set of papers tied with Caterpie silk.

“Very well then. It will be done,” Aleck confirmed and reached toward the knot on the papers. The stranger swung a scythe down onto the counter, missing the Sableye’s curious claws by millimeters.

“You are not to open it. You are to deliver it to our ally and then leave. Nothing more, nothing less. Understood?” the Scyther growled coldly while slowly removing his embedded blade from the wooden counter with a loud crack.

"Of course, Sir. For the Colonies."



“ZT! No. This can’t be! BZT!” Gear exclaimed as his crimson optics scanned over the printed text for the fifth time.
He glanced over to his head deputy; the sentient amalgamation of three Magnemites had already read through the context of the report and was awaiting his superior’s orders.

“Sir? Do I muster the squads? ZT!” the Magneton asked, idly spinning his magnets as Gear slowly rechecked the parchment for any possible sign of error or misprint.

“No. Stay put, Axis. You will do nothing until I give the order. Got it? ZT!” Gear snapped as he started hovering in circles around the room in worry.

“B-but, sir? That report. ZT! I-it’s from the Inner Council! BZT! We can’t ignore an order from them! They’ll deactivate us for dereliction of duty! ZBT!” the deputy screeched as his leader stopped his midair pacing.

“I don’t care what the report says, Axis! ZTT! They are all wrong this time! I won’t do it! BZT!” Gear screeched, his speech processors straining as they struggled to vocalize the officer’s emotions.

“Is that so, Gear?” a voice, a bitter mixture of royal dignity, arrogance, and subtle charm sounded from behind the Magnezone. Gear turned around in a circle to face the unauthorized intruder.

A large falcon stood in the doorway, gold glinted off his entire covering of metal feathers. He slowly walked into the room, as if reluctant to step on “common” ground. An honor guard made up of five Magnemites silently orbited around him, ready to strike at a moment’s notice.

“Richelieu, it’s been a while hasn’t it?” Gear growled, the static buzz foregone in his hatred.
The Skarmory chuckled as he strutted across Gear’s office.

“It’s ‘Governor’ now, actually. Governor Richelieu, it just rolls off the tongue, or rather, the speech processor, does it not? I was appointed by the king just last week,” he corrected as he eyed Gear disapprovingly.

“I don’t care if it’s ‘Lord’, ‘Governor’ or ‘Janitor’. I do, however, want to know why you’re gracing me with your presence,” Gear grunted as the Skarmory smirked.

“Now, now, Gear. There is no need for such harsh vocabulary. My business in this backwater village does not require your authorization; I am here on assignment from the Inner Council. If you really must know, it was all because of a small incident you had in the Western Quarter. I believe you know what I am talking about,” the golden bird said as he slowly walked over the Gear’s desk, the bodyguards repelling the chief officer a safe distance away from the governor.

“ZT! We were able to contain the incident before it grew out of control, if you remember correctly. BZ!” Gear stated as the bird faced him once again.

“That may be, but it does not change the fact that Colonial terrorists were able to enter your city unnoticed by you or your forces. I’m simply here on behalf of the Kingdom to ensure you are up to the task of protecting it,” Richelieu replied, lowering his neck to stare at the Magnezone.

Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory, “We might be even more capable if your Council stopped sending us lists of potential traitors that we have to arrest. Jack, Rhone, Flare, Clip … they were on your lists for no good reason! ZT! Yet we arrested them without giving them a chance to explain the accusations brought against them! BZZT! And your most recent list; those Pokemon are all innocent! ZT!” Gear buzzed, directing the governor’s attention to the piece of parchment on the desk.
Richelieu gently pierced the report on the desk with the tip of his steel wing and held it up to his eyes as to read it.

“I do not make the lists Gear, and the ones that are charged with that responsibility put the names you see on it for a good reason. These individuals have obviously been acting against the wishes of the monarchy, so it is your job to capture them for further questioning,” he said, shaking the paper off his wing as if it was a vile substance.

“ZT! Well, I refuse to do so! The list is flawed; the Pokemon on it are innocent,” Gear stated as all three of his magnets whirled around erratically.

The Skarmory slowly turned to face the chief officer. His eyes glinting with a spark of fury at the officer’s words.

“You … Are you saying you’re disobeying a royal order?” Richelieu asked incredulously, his honor guards buzzing to themselves frantically. Axis backed away from Gear and the governor, bracing himself for the worst.

“Yes. Yes, I am. ZT!” Gear said, hovering so that his red center optic aligned with the Skarmory’s yellow ones.

“Did you forget your place, Gear? You and every single other Magne-class unit were built to serve the Kingdom; that is your only purpose! I’m going to give you five milliseconds to rescind your previous statement or else I will assure your immediate deactivation,” Richelieu said, jabbing the tip of his wing at Gear’s metal front.

“ZT! I am a Pokemon sworn to protect the citizens of Loyalty Square, nothing more, nothing less. I am not some ‘machine’ under the control of the Kingdom, and I will not be treated as such, even by you, Governor. ZT! I will do what it takes to ensure that my citizens’ liberties are not compromised by anyone, much less the discolored, sniveling bureaucrat that is currently polluting my town with his presence. ZT!”
Richelieu recoiled instantly as if the officer’s words were hot steam.

“And I am Governor of the Between lands, and as such I am enacting Executive Order Forty-Seven. Guards, dispose of this defective automaton,” the riled governor squawked as he retreated a safe distance from the inevitable fight.

The five guards suddenly halted their protective orbit around the Skarmory and advanced toward Gear, their magnets sparking with electricity.
Gear backed away from the guards, analyzing his combatants while also readying an attack of his own. Axis let out a screech in terror and fled to the side of the room nearest the door as the fight commenced.

The Magnezone let out the first shot, a concussion of supersonic air that tore a magnet off one of the guards. Before the others had time to retaliate, he sent duel bolts of electricity into their pack, scattering the units as they swerved to dodge the attack.

Static accompanied the many curses and swears that bounced off the stone walls of the office chamber as Gear turned in a complete circle, firing off quick bursts of electricity from all three of his magnets, keeping the assailants at bay.

“Destroy him! The Kingdom cannot have such abominations within it’s work forc—Ah!” Richelieu screeched as Gear shot a bolt of plasma at him. The bird ducked to the side as the attack burned its way into the stone.

That attack cost Gear as one of the Magnemite managed to land a shot on his auxiliary eye causing his vision to fizzle slightly before stabilizing. The Magnemites charged Gear, their magnets attaching to the Magnezone’s body.

Before he could repulse, them they let loose bursts of electricity that coursed through the officer’s body. Gear swerved wildly in agony, slamming his body into the walls in an attempt to scrape off the Magnemite.
One of the guards let out a garbled scream shortly before he was violently crushed against the wall, his core exploding in a burst of electricity and wiring.

After seeing their comrade destroyed inches from their eyes, the other guards instinctively let up on their assault and retreated. Gear hovered low in the air, heavy static “breathing” emanating from his speakers as he tried to recover from the near short circuit.

The guards quickly regrouped and charged Gear once again. However, this time the battered officer was anticipating such a move. He aimed his magnets at the four remaining guards, and blasted them into the wall with an opposite magnetic charge.

“ZT! You can’t ZT! beat me ZT! Rich. ZT! I will not let you destroy my town! BZZZT!” Gear shouted, as the Magnemite slowly raised themselves up off the ground.

Not giving them a chance to recover, Gear fired another round of energy at the units. The electricity quickly arced through the air like lightning and impacted the group of guards. It was all that was needed to put them out of commission. The increased voltage caused their center cores to smoke and explode.

“ZZZT! My eye! My ZBZBZBT! eye! SZSZZS!” one guard, the only one still alive from the squad, screeched as he whirled around in the air in agony. Fire and smoke hissing from his destroyed center. Fortunately, his suffering was short-lived as his core detonated
with a flash of fire. Small bits of metal shell scattered throughout the office.

His enemies eliminated, Gear rested his chassis near to the ground as he tried to recover his lost energy. His central eye almost shuttered as his systems went into power-saving mode. His rest was interrupted by the grating sound of iron scratching on iron. His gaze wearily looked up at Richelieu, who was slowly clapping his wings together.

“I’m impressed Gear, you managed to hold your own against my most incompetent set of guards. However, there is still the issue of your deactivation that needs to be dealt with; insubordination will not be tolerated,” he said as he walked a wide circle around the injured officer, kicking aside the shattered remains of his honor guard as he went.

“Now listen closely Gear, if you can. I can call my seven other units waiting in the hallway in here, and I think you will know how that will end, Gear. I’m not going to be dance around the issue here, either you accept that I am in control here now, or else I will have you killed. What’s your choice, Gear?” the Skarmory asked, his ultimatum working its way through Gear’s damaged core.

“Bzttzt … Errrt … Hzzrt … ZT!” he groaned in response, his voice distorted by his destroyed speakers.

“Erm, what was that, Gear?” Richelieu asked, leaning towards the nearly broken unit.

Gear struggled to reply. After a series of loud static noises, he finally aligned his speakers.
“BZT! What I meant to say was: FZZZT! You!” he shouted as he suddenly rose off the ground and rushed the royal official.

Richelieu’s squawk of surprise was cut short as he was tackled by the equivalent of an enraged Aggron. His golden outer wings crumpled as he was crushed against the stone.
Gear let loose a quick burst of electricity from his exposed circuits, jolting the governor as he struggled to break free.

“SHHZ! Never. Threaten. My. Town. ZT! Again! DZT!” Gear stated, his mechanical breath heavy with static and exhaustion. Just then, the twin wooden doors that separated the office from the main prison burst open as no less then twelve Magnemites rushed into the chamber, knocking Axis aside as they surrounded Gear and the governor. Some where under Richelieu’s employment while others still pledged a grudging loyalty to Gear.

“S-see? He’s clearly corrupt! He’s trying to kill me!” the metal falcon screamed, feigning innocence, as Gear tried to pin him harder against the wall.

“ZT! He’s tryiNG to KILl inNOcent PoKEMon! BBRZT!” Gear grunted as his processors’ volume controls failed completely.
The horde of hovering Magnemite silently watched the exchange as the two struggled to sway them to their cause.

“Don’t let him kill me. Please, I-I don’t want to die!” Richelieu squawked pitifully as Gear sent another jolt of electricity through the bird.

“I can promote you all! Any position in the force! It’s yours! Pay raise included!” the governor bargained as Gear slowly upped the voltage.

That offer did it for the guard corp. Gear’s optic widened with horror as one unit after another let out a yell and tackled the officer, trying to pull him off the Skarmory with their magnets. They all piled on their former chief officer, eventually pealing him off Richelieu.

As soon as the governor crawled to safety, the swarm started attacking Gear. Ripping off his metal armor and frying his inner wiring around his core.

Gear nearly blacked out, his core overwhelmed by the amount of surging electricity coursing through it. Just as his systems nearly failed him, he found the strength to charge up a magnetic pulse blast.

Like before, the guards were forced off Gear’s chassis. However, they recovered and slowly circled around the barely levitating Magnezone. Gear scanned the situation: he’d lost control of his units, Axis, displaying his loyalty as always, was shaking in fear in the corner, and Richelieu wanted him deactivated all because he had refused to obey yet another falsified kill list. Overall, the scenario didn’t look good.

Richelieu had been right; there was only one way he was getting out of here: his core ripped out and destroyed. He could not calculate another alternative, if he somehow managed to win this battle, more Magnemites would pour in from the depths of the prison to dispose of him.

He knew how it was going to end for him, but he would end it on his terms.
With a buzzing sigh of acceptance, he closed his center optic as he concentrated what little energy remained in his power cells into his slowly spinning magnets.

Time seemed to grow slow as sparks danced around the three appendages, rapidly building up a charge. The rebellious units only just now seemed to realize what their former commander was doing, and it was too late for them to change course.

With a pained screech, Gear’s magnets became orbs of white-hot light, as they lit up with electricity . Richelieu’s yellow eyes widened for a split second as he scrambled along the floor with his crumpled wings, hiding behind the cowering Magneton.

“BBBZZTTTGGRRHHZZZTT!!!!” Gear screeched as his optic flared a bright red; streams of code flashed before his eye as the built up electricity made his body the equivalent of an exploding star.

“ZT! H-He’s Discharging!!! VT!” one of the units screamed as Gear’s body exploded in an almighty wave of pure electricity. The supersonic energy electrified the swarm of Magnemites surrounding the officer.

The arcing voltage ripped apart the mob of Magnemite that were within close proximity to Gear. Their piercing screeches were forever silenced as one by one their cores exploded in a blast of fire and sparks. Shrapnel whizzed through the air and embedded itself in the stone walls with as if they were clay.

The smoke had not yet cleared when a metal-plated avian head popped up from behind the shuddering Magneton deputy. His eyes started watering as the acrid smell of smoldering wiring assaulted his nose. Unscathed from Gear’s attack, courtesy of Axis, Richelieu got to his feet and dusted his wings off.

He glanced around the destroyed room taking in the full extent of Gear’s attack. Every inch of the stone walls were either filled with black scorches or pocket marks from the plasma volleys. The ceiling rafters were cracked and looked ready to collapse. The handsome, wooden desk was aflame and in ruins.

Pity, it was truly an excellent piece of craftsmanship, the Skarmory thought as he walked out from behind a slowly recovering Axis. Richelieu strode into the center of the room, kicking aside the sizzling remains of the guards who saved his life as if they were nothing.

He heard the commotion of the legion of other units from down the hallway; they would be here soon enough and he would have to explain exactly what happened here to them all.

He approached Gear’s ruined chassis cautiously. After examining Gear’s burnt metal body he let out a snort.
“Funny how all fairy tales of rebellions succeeding are just that,” he said with a mirthful chuckle.

Suddenly, Gear’s body let out a spark, followed by several wires arcing with electricity as Gear’s cracked center eye slowly lit up once more. Gear’s processor was reeling; against his calculations, he had somehow survived the suicidal attack.

“Ahh, decided to join us once again in the realm of the living, I see. You are one tough Pokemon, I will give you that,” Richelieu said as he slowly walked right in front of Gear’s eye. Gear didn’t even have the energy to respond if he wanted to, but he wasn’t going to give the bird the satisfaction of begging for his life.

“I’m sorry it has to end like this, Gear. All you had to do was obey your superior’s order, but you refused. This is your reward, I suppose. I pray your forgiveness,” the governor stated as he lifted one of his talons and gripped the sides of Gear’s center optic, cracking it even more.

The Skarmory pulled on the eye, ignoring Gear’s weak screeches of protest. To Gear it felt as if his brain was being ripped from his head. The fallen officer let all pretenses of dignity behind as his buzzes of pain swiftly turned into screeches of agony.

Richelieu flapped his metal wings as his talon crunched down on the optic and tugged harder on it, exposing bits of internal circuitry. Gear scanned around for anything that could save him, but there was nothing. His power was completely gone, Axis was shaking in a corner, and his units had turned against him. He was utterly defeated.

With one final yank, Gear’s center eye, and the core behind it came loose. Richelieu staggered backwards as the cylindrical core came out in a shower of sparks and trailing wires. The governor turned the officer’s core over in his talon, and gave a satisfied huff before tossing it away dismissively. The metal cylinder clattered on the floor, before rolling to a stop before Axis’s hovering form.
As soon as the deputy saw his former commander’s core, he came out of the state of horrified shock he was in.

“W-what have ZT! you done!” Axis squeaked. His magnets discharging small sparks as he hovered in front of the Skarmory.

The golden bird pushed him aside. “Gear proved to be incompetent and failed to perform his basic duties as a unit of the Kingdom. I used my authority as governor to dispose of him as commander and take complete control of Loyalty’s security to ensure stability in my province.”

Richelieu narrowed his piercing, yellow eyes at Axis. “Transmit that message to every Magnemite within range. And as soon as you are finished with that, I want you to muster the hunting squads. It is my understanding that we have traitors in our midst that must be dealt with.”

The Magneton buzzed in discomfort as he turned his side magnets up in an affirming salute. Pleased with the display of loyalty, Richelieu strutted out of the ruined office and into the assembly areas of the prison leaving Axis alone.

“H-have to ZT! f-follow orders. Follow ZT! orders …”



If Leo hadn’t collapsed on his shoulder as soon as they started to head back, Jay knew he would have put the Charmeleon under a military tribunal. Frustrated with the fact that he had to carry his wayward team member over two miles through the forest, Jay tried his best to make sure Leo knew his displeasure with a new insult every step he took.

Leo, however, never seemed to notice the Riolu’s anger with him as he drifted in and out of consciousness. When he was awake, he only seemed able to mutter a few disjointed phrases before slipping back into whatever fever dream his was stuck inside of.

Jay began to grow a little concerned when Leo started mumbling about “… not the first…” and other nonsense. If that wasn’t blatantly foreshadowing a bad future, Jay didn’t know what was. With a grunt Jay shifted his partner higher on his shoulders and continued his trek.

The hike through the woods shouldn’t have taken any longer then half an hour, but due to Kelly’s desire to check on Leo every few minutes, it ended up taking much more time to complete. So when they finally entered their base, Jay roughly plopped Leo down against the wall and went to find something to wake him up.

“Jay, if you hit him with that, I swear to Raikou I will zap you into next year!” Kelly snapped as Jay slowly lowered the Cleanse Orb clutched in his paw.
It wasn’t enough that he and Kelly had basically gotten the base for free, it had been fully stocked with several crates of expensive Orbs of all sorts. Luck had somehow favored them that day, possibly trying to make up for the hardship they both suffered before.

“Don’t worry. I wasn’t going to hit ...” Jay said before trailing off as he felt the temperature of the room drop dramatically. His breath turned to mist as he quickly glanced around for the source of the cold, but found nothing out of place in their home.

“Did Kyurem drop by for a visit?” he asked with a feeble chuckle. He waited a few seconds for Kelly to respond with a standard groan or something of the sort, but when none came, he turned around to her. She was looking at him with an agitated glare, but she did not move.
It was as if time had decided to pause around everything but him.

“What…?” Jay asked, cautiously waving a paw in front of her face. Nothing. Not even a blink to indicate she was still aware of anything. As confused as any normal Pokemon would be in this circumstance, he ran through the door of the base and looked at the surrounding area.

Oak and pine trees stood frozen mid-sway, a distant flock of Pidove were locked in their migratory “V” formation, and leaves were paused in the air as the now dead wind blew them across the ground. The entire world, it seemed, had stopped. Except for him.
Bewildered, he returned inside and looked toward Leo and Kelly.

The Charmeleon was still slumped against the wall, stuck in the unconscious state he had been in previously. Taking a timid step closer to his teammate, he saw that not even his shallow heartbeat was still going.
What the heck going on here? Jay wondered as he forced himself not to start panicking. It was then he heard a voice he hadn’t expected to hear again in his life.

”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?” the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.

The dim light of the Luminous Orb shards was completely covered up. The only source of light being the gleam of a pair of golden eyes. Jay involuntarily shivered from the increased chill as Kelly and Leo disappeared from his view.

“Y-you! Why are you here?!” Jay shouted into the wall of shadow, his voice seemed like it was confined to his mind, like it wasn’t making any audible noise. The voice gave a slight chuckle as the eyes faded, but the voice began to resonate from all around the Riolu.

“You are not pleased to see me after so long? I was merely being polite when we first conversed. I thought you might want to speak with the one who saved your life … Well, whether you want to or not, I believe it is time for a little ‘heart to heart’ concerning recent events, ” the voice said, taking a hurt tone as Jay stamped the ground with his foot.

“Saved me?! I don’t think so. I was doing fine until you showed up,” Jay retorted as the voice let out a roar of shrill laughter. Jay was forced to cover his ears as he waited for the voice to regain its composure.

“I … hehe… I am sorry for that. Truly. It is very unprofessional of someone as high caliber as myself. However, I do recall that imperial soldiers were very close to catching you. If I hadn’t decided to intervene, you would have almost certainly have been incarcerated for your crimes,” the voice pointed out casually, causing Jay to growl in anger.

“Hmph! So what? What does that have to do with anything?” Jay asked as the temperature dropped another few degrees.

“I believe that the price of your preservation is enough reason to listen. You still owe a debt to me for your own survival for … plucking you from the midst of the chaos in Silver that day,” the voice responded, a hint of frustration breaking through its calm manner.


“You’re the one who got me out?” Jay asked in a mixture of confusion and awe.

“If you’d simply allow me time to speak, your questions will be answered ... more or less.”

“What did you have to do with that day? Based on your answer, I may have no choice but to hurt you,” Jay threatened as the voice chuckled again.

“Such a temper, you really should work on that. That day when I saw your … predicament ... well, I could not simply let fate take its course. It wasn’t your fault, I firmly believe that. Nevertheless, history cannot be easily reversed. The status quo can never be again,” the voice explained. Jay remained silent after this, which the voice took as a cue to continue.

“I saw potential in you, Jay, much like your friend. You and he share tenacity, even when the odds appear to be overwhelming. It was that trait that I foresaw a good use for in these troubled times.”

“……Leo? What do you have to do with him?” Jay asked softly as the voice all too gladly responded.

“When I found him, he was on the verge of starvation in the Fields, how he got there even I do not know. However, I saw that he could be useful if he was guided in the right direction. Using my abilities, I altered the nature of the dungeon and allowed him to escape … right where you and the Jolteon were patrolling for minimum wage.”

“You …You did that?

“Indeed. And now I must alter the topic of our discussion ever so slightly. If I may be so bold as to ask you a simple question?

“… fine. What do you want?” Jay growled as he grudgingly allowed the enigma to explain itself.

“From what I’ve observed over the past few hours, you have been … troubled by your teammate’s actions as of late, yes? His mental state, as it were, correct?” the being inquired, its voice softly echoing off the dark walls of wherever “here” was.

“Not so much troubled as annoyed …Wait? What would you know about that? We haven’t told anyone about that. What does Leo have to do with you?” Jay asked suspiciously as the darkness rippled violently. Jay clutched the Cleanse Orb even more tightly, threatening to accidentally activate the sensitive crystal.

“Well, you can say that Leo and I have had a … rocky business relationship. He is one of the many focal points of my observation, but regrettably, in his case, direct intervention has been required on multiple occasions to ensure that plans continue as they were. He has been somewhat … resistant of the changes I suggested. So I, in an act of desperation, imposed them without his consent and guided him through the changes more or less successfully,” the darkness responded, the business-like nature it had originally reappearing.

“Wait. So you’re the reason why he’s like this? Paranoid, angry, and insane? It’s your fault?!” Jay exclaimed, as the mist let out a low chuckle.

“You allot me too much credit in your partner’s mental downfall, Jay. I tried to prevent his imminent demise. An endeavor that was successful,” the being with the golden eyes retorted, staring at Jay once more from within the mist. Jay didn’t talk back, his thoughts were running wild with this revelation about his teammate.
This is why Leo is this way. This creepy son of---

“Manners, Jay. Civilized Pokemon have no use for language of that caliber,” the creature scolded Jay’s thoughts. Jay scowled at the eyes.

“If your father knew you possessed such a colorful vocabulary he would probably have you exiled,” the Pokemon noted as he let out a small laugh at his own personal joke.

“Never mind that. Why are you here? I think you’ve said all that you’ve needed to say,” Jay said, changing the course of their conversation.

“Ah, yes. My reason for troubling your mortal mind with my higher plane of existence. I am here to make sure that you stay well out of my affairs. That includes your plans for ‘interviewing’ Leo. He is under my influence, and I do not need you interfering more than what is absolutely necessary,” the being ordered, its tone hardening almost immediately.

“What are you talking about?!” Jay asked. Without an answer from the voice, the dark mist began retreating and Jay suddenly dropped to his knees as his mind was violently released from the creature’s control.

Jay’s world began to tilt and swim. The dark walls of his vision disintegrated into the vague shapes of the center room of the base. Colors blurred as his hallucination collapsed and reality returned with a fresh wave of nausea.
Retching on the floor, his vision slowly pieced itself back together.

“Remember, the sacrifice of a few is required for the good of everyone.”

“Jay?! Talk to me! What’s wrong?!” Kelly asked, standing right above the Riolu with an Oran Berry in her paw. Groaning in pain, Jay snatched the berry out of her paw without even looking at her. Another round of coughing hit him as his head finally cleared enough for him to actually see the room.

There was no sign of the temperature drop he experienced earlier, or of everything suddenly freezing. It was as if it had never happened. Cautiously getting to his feet, he glanced around the base. Leo was still on the floor passed out, Kelly was waiting his response, and everything else seemed exactly the same as it had been.

“W-we’re not. Not going to –!” Jay began to say before doubling over as a spark of pain arced through his head once more.

“Jay!” Kelly yelped as she ran up to her partner, her mind pulling up various treatment options, or Pokemon nearby that could help. When she put a paw on his arm Jay roughly pushed it away with a grunt.

“I’m fine! J-just no. No more. We leave him alone,” Jay struggled to say as he weakly pointed a paw at the unconscious Leo.

“Wait! We need to find out —” Jay abruptly cut her off, pressing his paws against his temples.
“No! Don’t ask him anything! Nothing!”

Kelly stood there in disbelief as Jay slowly regained his composure. “What happened to you?”

“I-I’m fine… Sorry, just … please. Don’t ask anything right now. Let’s just get some sleep, please.”


“This is no accident, no coincidence, no way this can be: someone knows our trade secrets. They are trying to move Phase Two along ahead of schedule. This individual will ruin it all. This cannot happen. This will not happen. I refuse to allow it …”


Kelly drifted along the edge of an uneasy sleep, her head trying to make some sort of sense of what had happened to both Leo and Jay. Leo was her primary concern as whatever was troubling him was going to kill him eventually, but Jay’s sudden shift from wanting to tear Leo apart for information to insisting on leaving him alone was far too weird to be a coincidence.

As she drifted along her troubled rest, she was unaware of the trace amounts of darkened mist slowly congregating around her. Her nose twitched slightly as the most closed in on her head. A low ramble of strange words in a language she never knew existed was all she heard before the voice made its presence known and the nightmare embraced her fully.

“Introductions are never my strong point, so I will skip those formal pleasantries as this is no occasion to stand on ceremony.” The Electric Type’s body twitched in her sleep as the voice continued its soft speech.

“I come with two urgent messages that you might find being worth listening to. The first being that you must not worry about your teammates. Though their actions may seem self-destructive, I assure you, they are in good hands.”
Kelly wasn’t aware of the voice, but she subconsciously picked up every word it said.

“Your memory will not retain this part of the conversation, but I am guiding them both on path that will lead to relative salvation. I understand your desire to protect them since they are the closest thing you have to a family, but interfering in my business operation would cause more harm than good.” The voice went silent for a few minutes as it browsed through her memories and experiences as if they were a card catalogue.

“You were selectively chosen to fulfill this role, but if your curiosity gets the better of you, it will kill you much like the figurative cat. I will not allow the mercy of being both alive and dead; I will ensure that you die. So, please, for your own safety, remain out of my dealings with Leo.”
The voice paused, as if it was trying to recall if there was anything else on its agenda.

“Oh! Yes, of course. I nearly forgot, almost a fatal mistake on my part, I regret. There is a hunter squad of Magnemite on their way here. They will be crashing down the door to this base in about fifty-five seconds.”

With that final phrase, the dark mist over her mind evaporated instantly. Her eyes shot open as she gasped for air. She looked quickly around her room for the source of the haunting voice she vaguely remembered hearing in her nightmare.

As she struggled to remember what the voice had mentioned she heard a noise that was far worse than what that voice had put her through. Her eyes widened as the faint grating sound of whirring machinery penetrated the air.

“So wake up, my dear. Wake up, and flee the corruption.”


End Chapter Seven



Author’s Notes:

It’s been a while since my last update, hasn’t it? While I did say school would hamper my efforts to write, I kinda let my free time go to other things.
I promise that the next one won’t be as long of a wait.

Onto the chapter itself. This chapter proved to be strange to me as I wanted to incorporate some necessary backstory, some character-building, and also a good transition to the next big arc of the story.

I think I was able to pull it off reasonably enough, but I want your opinions on it.
As usual, I encourage silent or new readers to make themselves known. Every post helps, honestly.

Well, that’s about all I have to say. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and thanks again to my brilliant beta reader, and my friends on this site.

Knightfall signing off… ;005;

Azurus
24th October 2012, 12:42 AM
That poor Gear, apparently I was right and he was too soft and unfit for command, General Magnus would love to take his postion.

Found a couple of errors bu I VM'ed them to you, so, there ya go.

That ???? Mismagius has, like I said before, way too many hands in too many puddings. It will be interesting to see how this all works out.

Another great chapter, look forward to another one.

Darkened_Kingdra
24th October 2012, 1:03 AM
Gear scene was sad and awesome at the same time. You made Discharge a sacrificial move? I'm not a fan of that too much…
Oh sorry but take me off the PM list. My tries for my own fanfic are eating up my time.
On that note, if you want to cowrite, PM me and we can arrange it.

Grav out.
§

Brutaka
24th October 2012, 1:32 AM
“During the chaos following the Falling Star Incident ten years ago, tribute on the Colonists was placed at an all time high. Queen Alexandria Lucario, wife of recently crowned King Nickolas Lucario went on a mercy mission to aid her citizens in their time of need. During her stay in the Colonies, a member of the revolutionary group, ‘The Knights of Arceus’, was able to gain an audience with her and subsequently killed her and himself with several Blast Seeds. This proved to be the breaking point.
Stricken with remorse, fury, and a desire for revenge, Nickolas levied a crushing tax on the province and all but destroyed their meager rights under Kingdom law. It was no surprise that following the brief period of disorder after the Restoration of Time two years ago that the Colonies seceded from the Kingdom after a series of violent attacks on the Boarderlands.”
Excerpt from the Chronicles of King Nickolas Lucario, as recorded by Scizor of the Rescue Team Federation
Too many references...cant contain the awesomeness!
Seriously though, wow.


“There is a potential for a great profit on your part,” the Pokemon said, tapping the counter with his scythe to get the Sableye’s attention.
No! The Money is a Lie!


“Are those what I think they are? How in Heatran’s holy mines did you get Royal Poke?” Aleck asked in mystified awe as the stranger chuckled.
There's the legendary thing. I dunno, not fond of this one.
I think certain legendaries shouldn't be used as a replacement for god...

Oh, instead, you should use legendaries that match their type/affinity. So Sableye's could be Giratina.
Though I'd be OK with you using certain deities as universal replacements: Arceus, Dialga, Palkia, Giratina, Uxie, Mesprit, Azelf, Kyogre, Groudon, Rayquaza, Ho-Oh, Lugia, Mew, Mewtwo(Not as a god sub, but as a sub for someone would curse to 'Voldemort' in HP), Reshiram, Zekrom, and maybe Kyurem. Basically, the major ones literally considered deities, or at least the major ones.
Those would work for any typed/affinity Pokemon. You can still have Pokemon curse to the minor ones, but only if they adhere to that type/affinity. So Fire-Types could curse to Heatran, Entei, or Moltres if they wanted to, but any other typed Pokemon wouldn't curse to them, I wouldn't think. Though a Steel type could curse to Heatran, and a Flying type to Moltres.
But that's by type. They could also curse to a legend that they would have an affinity to. For instance, if there is a Pokemon that could be considered greedy or profitable, you could have Aleck curse to it instead.


“I don’t care what the report says, Axis! ZTT! They are all wrong this time! I won’t do it! BZT!” Gear screeched, his speech processors straining as they struggled to vocalize the officer’s emotions.
Aw, Gear really does care. How sweet.


“Now, now, Gear. There is no need for such harsh vocabulary. My business in this backwater village does not require your authorization; I am here on assignment from the Inner Council. If you really must know, it was all because of a small incident you had in the Western Quarter. I believe you know what I am talking about,” the golden bird said as he slowly walked over the Gear’s desk, the bodyguards repelling the chief officer a safe distance away from the governor.
Golden Skarmory...Shiny? Cool.

Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory, “We might be even more capable if your Council stopped sending us lists of potential traitors that we have to arrest. Jack, Rhone, Flare, Clip … they were on your lists for no good reason! ZT! Yet we arrested them without giving them a chance to explain the accusations brought against them! BZZT! And your most recent list; those Pokemon are all innocent! ZT!” Gear buzzed, directing the governor’s attention to the piece of parchment on the desk.
Oooooh, descent in the ranks... *grabs popcorn*


“ZT! I am a Pokemon sworn to protect the citizens of Loyalty Square, nothing more, nothing less. I am not some ‘machine’ under the control of the Kingdom, and I will not be treated as such, even by you, Governor. ZT! I will do what it takes to ensure that my citizens’ liberties are not compromised by anyone, much less the discolored, sniveling bureaucrat that is currently polluting my town with his presence. ZT!”
Yeah! You tell 'em! *some popcorn spills on the floor as I fist pump*


One of the guards let out a garbled scream shortly before he was violently crushed against the wall, his core exploding in a burst of electricity and wiring.
Score! Point One for Officer Gear!


The increased voltage caused their center cores to smoke and explode.

“ZZZT! My eye! My ZBZBZBT! eye! SZSZZS!” one guard, the only one still alive from the squad, screeched as he whirled around in the air in agony. Fire and smoke hissing from his destroyed center. Fortunately, his suffering was short-lived as his core detonated
with a flash of fire. Small bits of metal shell scattered throughout the office.
Five to Zero!
*Aw, out of popcorn. Pauses playback. Makes popcorn. Unpauses. Where was I...Oh yeah.*


“BZT! What I meant to say was: FZZZT! You!” he shouted as he suddenly rose off the ground and rushed the royal official.
Yeah! What he said!


“ZT! He’s tryiNG to KILl inNOcent PoKEMon! BBRZT!” Gear grunted as his processors’ volume controls failed completely..
Think you got an extra period at the end of that quote.


“I can promote you all! Any position in the force! It’s yours! Pay raise included!” the governor bargained as Gear slowly upped the voltage.
Lies! The promotion's a lie! Don't go for it!


That offer did it for the guard corp. Gear’s optic widened with horror as one unit after another let out a yell and tackled the officer, trying to pull him off the Skarmory with their magnets. They all piled on their former chief officer, eventually pealing him off Richelieu.
Dang it.


With one final yank, Gear’s center eye, and the core behind it came loose. Richelieu staggered backwards as the cylindrical core came out in a shower of sparks and trailing wires. The governor turned the officer’s core over in his talon, and gave a satisfied huff before tossing it away dismissively. The metal cylinder clattered on the floor, before rolling to a stop before Axis’s hovering form.
As soon as the deputy saw his former commander’s core, he came out of the state of horrified shock he was in.
Murder! Foul, I call foul!
*throws popcorn at the screen*


“Jay, if you hit him with that, I swear to Raikou I will zap you into next year!” Kelly snapped as Jay slowly lowered the Cleanse Orb clutched in his paw.
This one is perfectly fine though, since Kelly is an electric type.


“Did Kyurem drop by for a visit?” he asked with a feeble chuckle.
This works because it isn't a curse.


”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?” the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.
You! >_>


Jay clutched the Cleanse Orb even more tightly, threatening to accidently activate the sensitive crystal.
accidently should be accidentally


“If your father knew you possessed such a colorful vocabulary he would probably have you exiled,” the Pokemon noted as he let out a small laugh at his own personal joke.

Queen Alexandria Lucario, wife of recently crowned King Nickolas Lucario...
Wait.... Does that mean...? Is Jay...
No, he can't be....
O_O


“Oh! Yes, of course. I nearly forgot, almost a fatal mistake on my part, I regret. There is a hunter squad of Magnemite on their way here. They will be crashing down the door to this base in about fifty-five seconds.”
Love how that seemed to be a casual "Oh, almost forgot, your gonna be attacked any minute, no biggie"


It’s been a while since my last update, hasn’t it? While I did say school would hamper my efforts to write, I kinda let my free time go to other things.
The same thing that's happening to me sadly...


Onto the chapter itself. This chapter proved to be strange to me as I wanted to incorporate some necessary backstory, some character-building, and also a good transition to the next big arc of the story.

I think I was able to pull it off reasonably enough, but I want your opinions on it.
I loved the chapter. I got into it so much. The last bit was one big convo basically, but the middle bit with Gear was too awesome.
It's a shame Gear is gone. I didn't like the guy so much, but he was a good dude. But now I have someone new to hate. Even if I can't spell his name.

Marvelous, as always.

Knightfall
24th October 2012, 3:29 AM
That poor Gear, apparently I was right and he was too soft and unfit for command, General Magnus would love to take his postion.

That ???? Mismagius has, like I said before, way too many hands in too many puddings. It will be interesting to see how this all works out.


He stuck up for his citizens against a corrupt government. He was killed by his own officers for it. He is not what I’d consider soft.

He’s been around this block a few times before. He knows what he doing, or at least, I hope he does, because I sure don’t …



Oh sorry but take me off the PM list. My tries for my own fanfic are eating up my time.
On that note, if you want to cowrite, PM me and we can arrange it.


I’m sad to see you go, but I will honor the request of the reader. I’ll remove your name with a heavy heart. Good luck in your future endeavors.


Too many references...cant contain the awesomeness!
Seriously though, wow.


I knew someone would like all those.



No! The Money is a Lie!

Must … resist…. Can’t … I believe you mean “cake”.



There's the legendary thing. I dunno, not fond of this one.
I think certain legendaries shouldn't be used as a replacement for god...


I’ll make sure that any and all future curses/swears/praises/crazed rants are up to this new code. It works pretty well.



Aw, Gear really does care. How sweet.


Well, he was built with a Morality software addition in his core, and this one actually works.



Golden Skarmory...Shiny? Cool.

It fits his personality nicely, doesn’t it?



Oooooh, descent in the ranks... *grabs popcorn*

Yeah! You tell 'em! *some popcorn spills on the floor as I fist pump*

Score! Point One for Officer Gear!

Five to Zero!
*Aw, out of popcorn. Pauses playback. Makes popcorn. Unpauses. Where was I...Oh yeah.*

Yeah! What he said!

Lies! The promotion's a lie! Don't go for it!

Dang it.

Murder! Foul, I call foul!
*throws popcorn at the screen*


I’m glad you liked the battle scene, even if the ending was … who am I kidding? You should have known that ending was coming the moment the governor walked in. This is Overthrown after all.



This one is perfectly fine though, since Kelly is an electric type.

This works because it isn't a curse.

Dully noted.



You! >_>

“The same to you, mortal …”




Wait.... Does that mean...? Is Jay...
No, he can't be....
O_O


Interesting theory you got there. Now whether it’s correct or just another bit of a coincidental plot tangent I put in there to throw you off of the real plot remains to be seen.



Love how that seemed to be a casual "Oh, almost forgot, your gonna be attacked any minute, no biggie"

Well, he’s been manipulating several characters on and off screen, he can’t be expected to remember everything…



The same thing that's happening to me sadly...

We can work through it, somehow.



I loved the chapter. I got into it so much. The last bit was one big convo basically, but the middle bit with Gear was too awesome.
It's a shame Gear is gone. I didn't like the guy so much, but he was a good dude. But now I have someone new to hate. Even if I can't spell his name.

Marvelous, as always.

Well, the title of it is “Interlude” for a reason. It’s a transition chapter, so action wasn’t the main theme of it, just a positive side-effect.

Gear, he will be missed. He may not have been a major character, but his heart was in the right place. He helped Leo out when he first arrived (kinda), so that’s gotta give him points. It’ll at least keep him out of Android Hell…

Ah yes, ????, as he is known for now. He is a dislikable character, but he claimed he was working for the greater good. What that means, I haven’t the foggiest.

Glad (almost)everyone enjoyed the chapter.

Knightfall signing off… ;005;

Brutaka
24th October 2012, 3:40 AM
Must … resist…. Can’t … I believe you mean “cake”.
I thought you'd like the reference, lol.


I’ll make sure that any and all future curses/swears/praises/crazed rants are up to this new code. It works pretty well.
Cool. Just keep in mind, besides Arceus @ Poison Plate, there is no Poison-typed legendary. There is at least one legendary for every other type though.
They should fix that.
Heck, you might find a way to incorporate that.


Well, he was built with a Morality software addition in his core, and this one actually works.
Yay, working software!


It fits his personality nicely, doesn’t it?
Yes, yes it does.
That pompous jerk.


I’m glad you liked the battle scene, even if the ending was … who am I kidding? You should have known that ending was coming the moment the governor walked in. This is Overthrown after all.
I'd start to grow suspicious if there wasn't a death or a horrid maiming every so often.


“The same to you, mortal …”
>->


Interesting theory you got there. Now whether it’s correct or just another bit of a coincidental plot tangent I put in there to throw you off of the real plot remains to be seen.
I'll be watching out for supporting references...


Well, he’s been manipulating several characters on and off screen, he can’t be expected to remember everything…
I just like the casual tone behind it, lol.


Ah yes, ????, as he is known for now. He is a dislikable character, but he claimed he was working for the greater good. What that means, I haven’t the foggiest.
Wasn't talking about him. I was talking about the pompous golden skarmory. Richi...richei--richiell...yeah, i cant spell it.

Azurus
24th October 2012, 3:55 AM
Oh I know Gear wasn't soft considering his actions, but in the eyes of the other corrupt units, he is too soft (kind) and unfit for command.

Sound
26th October 2012, 12:05 AM
Awesome chapter! It's good to see someone getting creative with the Mystery Dungeon 'verse. I always felt not enough writers use it to it's full potential, but this is simply wonderful.


“Destroy him! The Kingdom cannot have such abominations within it’s work forc—Ah!” Richelieu screeched as Gear shot a bolt of plasma at him. He bird ducked to the side as the attack burned its way into the stone.

Minor typo. Either 'The bird' or 'he'.


“BZT! What I meant to say was: FZZZT! You!” he shouted as he suddenly rose off the ground and rushed the royal official.

Go Gear, go! Telling off the governer, you are in inspiration to automatons everywhere.


With one final yank, Gear’s center eye, and the core behind it came loose. Richelieu staggered backwards as the cylindrical core came out in a shower of sparks and trailing wires.

Alas, his time was short lived. Based on the previous posters, he'll be missed. I know I'll miss him.


“If your father knew you possessed such a colorful vocabulary he would probably have you exiled,” the Pokemon noted as he let out a small laugh at his own personal joke.

I wonder how much of a joke this is. The king in question doesn't seem very... sane. Not that it isn't justifiable to a small degree based on what happened.


“Oh! Yes, of course. I nearly forgot, almost a fatal mistake on my part, I regret. There is a hunter squad of Magnemite on their way here. They will be crashing down the door to this base in about fifty-five seconds.”

Yep. Despite his manipulative nature, you gotta love him.


“So wake up, my dear. Wake up, and flee the corruption.”

And so, we arrive at what seems to be the point of no return. I have to say, this is fairly impressive. Like I said, props for playing the MD verse. I also love the characters. The average person probably would have trouble dealing with this kinda stuff, and this is reflected in the characters. The alterations you made to the 'normal' setting are extremely interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Darkened_Kingdra
26th October 2012, 12:23 AM
Yeah. I will be here, and when I have settled into writing, you can add me back on!
ISN'T THAT GREAT!

Knightfall
26th October 2012, 1:10 AM
Awesome chapter! It's good to see someone getting creative with the Mystery Dungeon 'verse. I always felt not enough writers use it to it's full potential, but this is simply wonderful.

There aren't enough PMD authors out there, regretably. Fortunately, there are several here. And I agree, the world has so much that an author can build off of.



Minor typo. Either 'The bird' or 'he'.

You can blame Word for that. Fixed.



Go Gear, go! Telling off the governer, you are in inspiration to automatons everywhere.


I'm honestly glad that everyone liked the fight scene with Gear and the governor's units. And yes, he is truely a cut above the rest.



Alas, his time was short lived. Based on the previous posters, he'll be missed. I know I'll miss him.

I regret seeing him go as well, but the plot dictates that he be removed. His actions might still affect the plot yet, though.



I wonder how much of a joke this is. The king in question doesn't seem very... sane. Not that it isn't justifiable to a small degree based on what happened.

He has a very ... creative sense of humor, to put it lightly. This is a theory, that Jay's father is the king. How that plays out, we'll have to see.
Anyways, Nickolas is the least of your worries. He is possibly the most rational out of any of my characters, to tell your the truth.



Yep. Despite his manipulative nature, you gotta love him.


Indeed, that's why I love writing him. He has a very dark sense of humor, yet the official air of a business man all the same. He's coniving, backstabbing, willing to go through great lengths for his employers, yet I love writing him. Almost as much as I do Leo.



And so, we arrive at what seems to be the point of no return. I have to say, this is fairly impressive. Like I said, props for playing the MD verse. I also love the characters. The average person probably would have trouble dealing with this kinda stuff, and this is reflected in the characters. The alterations you made to the 'normal' setting are extremely interesting. I can't wait to see what happens next.

You are correct, this is their Rubicon, as it were, and they are about to cross over into Rome.

You have no idea how much your comments mean to me, thank you so much!

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Brutaka
26th October 2012, 1:23 AM
There aren't enough PMD authors out there, regretably. Fortunately, there are several here. And I agree, the world has so much that an author can build off of.
Aye, much potential. I love writing the PMD stories as well... *happy sigh*


Anyways, Nickolas is the least of your worries. He is possibly the most rational out of any of my characters, to tell your the truth.
A potentially insane king is the most rational character... Only in Overthrown folks!


Indeed, that's why I love writing him. He has a very dark sense of humor, yet the official air of a business man all the same. He's coniving, backstabbing, willing to go through great lengths for his employers, yet I love writing him.
Like GLaDOS!

pokenutter
26th October 2012, 5:27 AM
I have to say, Mismagius being involved with Jay was a shock, and its interest in Kelly is disconcerting, to say the least. What comes of that ought to be interesting.

Also, I didn't think it was possible, but you made me feel genuine sympathy for Gear. I will call that scene a dying moment of awesome, though- in particular, the line about a "discolored, sniveling bureaucrat" was incredibly well done.

Knightfall
26th October 2012, 11:22 AM
I have to say, Mismagius being involved with Jay was a shock, and its interest in Kelly is disconcerting, to say the least. What comes of that ought to be interesting.

Oh yes, our "mutual fiend" has been busy lately. Very busy.



Also, I didn't think it was possible, but you made me feel genuine sympathy for Gear. I will call that scene a dying moment of awesome, though- in particular, the line about a "discolored, sniveling bureaucrat" was incredibly well done.

Mission accomplished! That's exactly what I tried to do with that whole scene. Show that he really does care for the citizens, and that he didn't want to go through with the order.
Ah, I liked writing that line. It just was the perfect sort of insult for a stuck up, royal Pokemon.

Well, I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter. It's always great to get comments from you.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sid87
29th October 2012, 9:13 PM
“I already told you: I’m closed,” Aleck growled as he dumped the day’s meager earnings into a small cloth bag. Why can’t customers come before I decide to close up shop? The shopkeeper thought bitterly.
The Pokemon on the other side of the counter was not to be denied however.

“Please, I only require a minute of your time,” the Pokemon said, trying to hold the shopkeeper’s attention.

“Sorry pal, I’m not about to waste my time haggling over a price with you. I have to make a living after all. The price doesn’t change!” Aleck yelled as he systematically swiped each item off the counter and into a chest on the ground.

“Wait, please. I just want—” the Pokemon started before being rudely cut off by the Sableye.

“Go away, I don’t want to hear---” he grumbled as the other Pokemon calmly spoke over him.

“There is a potential for a great profit on your part,” the Pokemon said, tapping the counter with his scythe to get the Sableye’s attention.

In just a short section, you've already twice described the pokemon as trying to hold Aleck's attention. It's not bad, and it could be done well by showing the new pokemon's exasperation, but here it just kind of reads as the same thing happening twice.

Also the narration is shifty here. We have Aleck's internal monologue, but we also have the new pokemon's intentions narrated to us. It's a bit jerky, and you may know by now how much I hate shifting narration. :)



“W-what do I need to do?! I-I’ll do anything! Anything! Kill someone?! Hide the body?! There’s some caves nearby in the mountains, no one will ever find the--” Aleck stuttered as the amount of money in front on him nearly gave him a heart attack. The Scyther stopped him before his babbling could continue with a gentle tap with the broad side of his scythe.

This line is a bit hokey-comical, but it works. It did make me chuckle, and Aleck is just the minor jokey character to pull it off. Nice use of silliness to set off the otherwise serious nature of everything. The real selling part is that HE ACTUALLY HAS A BUILT-IN PLAN FOR THIS. It's not just WILLINGNESS to kill and hide a body; he actually knows how and where to do it. It's nice, subtle characterization.


“I’ll do it! Just one thing though. Might I ask what is in this parcel you speak of?” Aleck asked as he reached toward the knot on the papers. The stranger swung a scythe down onto the counter, missing the Sableye’s curious claws by millimeters.

The "might I ask..." bit seems a bit too formal for Aleck.


Gear let out a sound similar to grating machinery as he answered the Skarmory,

This might be a miss. I don't know what "grating machinery" might be, so the description is a little lost. Maybe it's just me, though.


Richelieu gently pierced the report on the desk with the tip of his steel wing and held it up to his eyes as to read it.

I see you're taking my comments about how certain pokemon might grab/handle things to heart.


“Why I, never! As Governor of the Between lands, I am enacting Executive Order Forty-Seven. Guards, dispose of this defective automaton,” the riled governor squawked as he retreated a safe distance from the inevitable fight.

I think "Why, I never!" is another line that is just an old timey cliche, and it's hard to imagine anyone saying it in an actual, serious fashion. It is fun, but... unlikely, I'd say.


Static accompanied the many curses and swears that bounced off the stone walls of the office chamber as Gear turned in a complete circle, firing off quick bursts of electricity from all three of his magnets, keeping the assailants at bay.

I like the first bit about the static and the vulgarity. Good visual (audio?).


After seeing their comrade destroyed inches from their eyes, the other guards instinctively let up on their assault and retreated. Gear hovered low in the air, heavy static “breathing” emanating from his speakers as he tried to recover from the near short circuit.

This brings up a thought...how "alive" is a Magneton? Is it just sentient machinery? Or is it actually living, breathing with some kind of organs and what not (inorganic though they may be). It makes me think.


“Now listen closely Gear, if you can. I can call my seven other units waiting in the hallway in here, and I think you will know how that will end, Gear. I’m not going to be blunt, either you accept that I am in control here now, or else I will have you killed. What’s your choice, Gear?” the Skarmory asked, his ultimatum working its way through Gear’s damaged core.

I think he means he IS going to be blunt. That is pretty blunt. :)


With a pained screech, Gear’s magnets lit up with electricity, making them seem like orbs of white-hot light. Richelieu’s yellow eyes widened for a split second as he scrambled along the floor with his crumpled wings, hiding behind the cowering Magneton.

"making them seem like orbs of white hot light" is not a particularly powerful simile. It doesn't pack much of a punch. Maybe just shift it around; "Gear's magnets became orbs of white-hot light as they lit up with electricity"?


He approached Gear’s ruined chassis cautiously. After examining Gear’s burnt metal body he let out a snort.
“Funny how all fairy tales of rebellions succeeding are just that,” he said with a mirthful chuckle.

Wow, that's a sinister line.

I must say, I'm very curious about the backstory of Gear and Richeliu. They obviously know each other. How? Why the animosity between them? Are they career rivals? It's a very interesting relationship they seem to have, and I'd love to know more about it. Will we ever find out?



Suddenly, Gear’s body let out a spark, followed by several wires arcing as Gear’s cracked center eye slowly lit up once more. Gear’s processor was reeling; against his calculations, he had somehow survived the suicidal attack.

I don't know what "arcing" is. :)


The Skarmory pulled on the eye, ignoring Gear’s weak screeches of protest. To Gear, putting it mildly, it felt as if his brain was being ripped from his head. The fallen officer let all pretenses of dignity behind as his buzzes of pain swiftly turned into screeches of agony.

Lose the "putting it mildly" bit. It weakens the description overall. I know you mean to make the attack sound WORSE by adding it, but the additional words just end up detracting from the effect.


“H-have to ZT! f-follow orders. Follow ZT! orders …”

Oh, we're totally getting an eventual heroic turn from Axis, aren't we?


As per usual, I'll probably take a break here and finish it up later. Quick notes:

-Your overall grammar and sentence structure issues from the first few chapters have improved tremendously. You've obviously put a LOT of work into that area, and it is showing. Great work!

-The pacing continues to be outstanding. This reads as a legitimate novel; there is a LOT of stuff going on, and even though it does not inherently SEEM to be inter-connected, it obviously is all going to be. Everything is very disparate, but headed in a steady direction. You are not rushing, and are allowing everything to happen a leisurely (in a good way) pace. Characters are being developed (though, oddly, not Jay yet. But I know that will be coming), and the reader is being pulled into the story. Well done.


EDIT!


Oak and pine trees stood frozen mid-sway, a distant flock of Pidove were locked in their migratory “V” formation, and leaves were paused in the air as the now dead wind blew them across the ground. The entire world, it seemed, had stopped. Except for him.
Bewildered, he returned inside and looked toward Leo and Kelly.

I like the imagery of the Pidove. That is a neat little detail to think of.


The Charmeleon was still slumped against the wall, stuck in the unconscious state he had been in previously. Taking a timid step closer to his teammate, he saw that not even his shallow heartbeat was still going.

The end there is a bit rough. to read. Maybe a better way would be "...he saw that even his once-shallow heartbeat had stopped completely".


”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?” the voice said as the entire room was instantly flooded by a dark mist that poured in from the windows.

The dim light of the Luminous Orb shards was completely covered up. The only source of light being the gleam of a pair of golden eyes. Jay involuntarily shivered from the increased chill as Kelly and Leo disappeared from his view.

“Y-you! Why are you here?!” Jay shouted into the wall of shadow, his voice seemed like it was confined to his mind, like it wasn’t making any audible noise. The voice gave a slight chuckle as the eyes faded, but the voice began to resonate from all around the Riolu.

I want to guess a Darkrai, but they don't have golden eyes. Hmmm.


“Saved me?! I don’t think so. I was doing fine until you showed up,” Jay retorted as the voice let out a roar of shrill laughter. Jay was forced to cover his ears as he waited for the voice to regain its composure.

The part I bolded makes it sound like the voice laughed before Jay even finished the thought. Which COULD mean the voice is clairvoyant! Or maybe it should just be "Jay retorted, causing the voice to let out..." But it might fit the Voice better if he knows what Jay is about to say; I don't know what the voice is. :)


“If you’d simply allow me time to speak, your questions will be answered, more or less.”

This is just my opinion, but I think an ellipses would be more ominous/foreboding there than the comma before "more or less".


“Such a temper, you really should work on that. Anyways, when I saw your … predicament that day. Well, I could not simply let fate take its course.

A little messed up on punctuation there. Let me see about fixing it up (I don't like the "anyways", either, so i'll omit that): "That day when I saw your... predicament... well, I could not simply let fate take its couurse".


[i][b] “I saw potential in you, Jay, much like your friend. You and he share the tenacity to never give up, even when the odds appear to be overwhelming. It was that trait that I foresaw a good use for in these troubled times.”

Tenacity IMPLIES never giving up, so I wouldn't say both. I'd just say "You and he share tenacity, even when..." or "...share a certain tenaciousness, even when..."


“Never mind that. Why are you here? I think you’ve said all that you’ve needed to say,” Jay said, changing the course of their “conversation”.

One-sided though it may be, they ARE having a conversation, so no real reason for the sartasti-quotes. :)


“What are you talking about?!” Jay asked. Without an answer from the voice, the dark mist began retreating and Jay suddenly dropped to his knees as his mind was violently released from the creature’s control.

A "show, don't tell" moment here. I'd rather see HOW Jay was released so violently. Did his body jerk? Did he get a migraine? Blood erupting from his ears? That'd be more fun to see than have lightly mentioned.


Jay’s world began to tilt and swim. The dark walls of his vision disintegrated into the vague shapes of the center room of the base. Colors blurred as his hallucination collapsed and reality returned with a fresh wave of nausea.
Retching on the floor, his vision slowly pieced itself back together.

Oh, nevermind, I guess. Here it is. :)

Okay, so the rest of the chapter wasn't bad. Perhaps a little TOO cryptic. It's starting to feel like there might be a bit TOO MANY questions going on, and I can't keep all the different mysteries straight. Where are the scientists from the beginning? What's with Leo's charm thing? What is going on with the rebellions? What's the deal with Richeliu? Who is the voice? What's he want with Leo? What's his history with Jay? And I know there are more than I'm not quite recalling. :) It seems like we should start getting SOME answers, you know?

Knightfall
30th October 2012, 9:39 PM
In just a short section, you've already twice described the pokemon as trying to hold Aleck's attention. It's not bad, and it could be done well by showing the new pokemon's exasperation, but here it just kind of reads as the same thing happening twice.
Also the narration is shifty here. We have Aleck's internal monologue, but we also have the new pokemon's intentions narrated to us. It's a bit jerky, and you may know by now how much I hate shifting narration. :)

Fixed, and the narration I'll have to fix somehow. I'll figure it out.



This line is a bit hokey-comical, but it works. It did make me chuckle, and Aleck is just the minor jokey character to pull it off. Nice use of silliness to set off the otherwise serious nature of everything. The real selling part is that HE ACTUALLY HAS A BUILT-IN PLAN FOR THIS. It's not just WILLINGNESS to kill and hide a body; he actually knows how and where to do it. It's nice, subtle characterization.


I have to have some humor in this, otherwise it wouldn't be as fun for me to write.
Aleck is just the sort of greedy character that's willing to do anything for a quick windfall of cash. And yeah, he doesn't have the best of pasts. Those black markets are rough on newcomers.



The "might I ask..." bit seems a bit too formal for Aleck.


True, and fixed.



I see you're taking my comments about how certain pokemon might grab/handle things to heart.


I try to use all the advice you give me. How long it takes to set in is another story...



I think "Why, I never!" is another line that is just an old timey cliche, and it's hard to imagine anyone saying it in an actual, serious fashion. It is fun, but... unlikely, I'd say.

I didn't really think about him saying it out loud, so that's why it slipped past me. Fixed.



I like the first bit about the static and the vulgarity. Good visual (audio?).

This brings up a thought...how "alive" is a Magneton? Is it just sentient machinery? Or is it actually living, breathing with some kind of organs and what not (inorganic though they may be). It makes me think.

Thanks, I had that battle scene mapped out for a while. That line stuck with me as well.

That is an excellent question, and my opinion is that they are sentient machinery. Which is why they try to emulate "organic" Pokemon by their static breathing, and other behaviors. That's just my opinion on the subject. I may have to touch up on that later on in the story.



I think he means he IS going to be blunt. That is pretty blunt. :)

"making them seem like orbs of white hot light" is not a particularly powerful simile. It doesn't pack much of a punch. Maybe just shift it around; "Gear's magnets became orbs of white-hot light as they lit up with electricity"?


Both fixed, thanks.



Wow, that's a sinister line.

That one went through several mental wringers before I got it worded right.



I must say, I'm very curious about the backstory of Gear and Richeliu. They obviously know each other. How? Why the animosity between them? Are they career rivals? It's a very interesting relationship they seem to have, and I'd love to know more about it. Will we ever find out?

They are some sort of career rivals in the legal system of the Kingdom. How, and why will have to be explained in the future by Richelieu since Gear is a bit too dead to answer at the moment.



I don't know what "arcing" is. :)


Missed a word there, thanks.



Lose the "putting it mildly" bit. It weakens the description overall. I know you mean to make the attack sound WORSE by adding it, but the additional words just end up detracting from the effect.

I thought it sounded a little odd when I wrote it, but I didn't know how to fix it at the time. Fixed.



Oh, we're totally getting an eventual heroic turn from Axis, aren't we?

I think so, but it'll be much later on in the story.



-Your overall grammar and sentence structure issues from the first few chapters have improved tremendously. You've obviously put a LOT of work into that area, and it is showing. Great work!

Thank you, I have tried to incorporate all of the advice given to me by you and all my other reviewers.



-The pacing continues to be outstanding. This reads as a legitimate novel; there is a LOT of stuff going on, and even though it does not inherently SEEM to be inter-connected, it obviously is all going to be. Everything is very disparate, but headed in a steady direction. You are not rushing, and are allowing everything to happen a leisurely (in a good way) pace. Characters are being developed (though, oddly, not Jay yet. But I know that will be coming), and the reader is being pulled into the story. Well done.


Again, thanks. I'm trying not to add anymore strings to this ball of yarn before I can tie a few of them together.



I like the imagery of the Pidove. That is a neat little detail to think of.


Background imagery is awesome, isn't it?



The end there is a bit rough. to read. Maybe a better way would be "...he saw that even his once-shallow heartbeat had stopped completely".

Fixed.



I want to guess a Darkrai, but they don't have golden eyes. Hmmm.

Nope. Who's the only mysterious character we have so far? Although he doesn't have a name yet, I did reveal his species.



The part I bolded makes it sound like the voice laughed before Jay even finished the thought. Which COULD mean the voice is clairvoyant! Or maybe it should just be "Jay retorted, causing the voice to let out..." But it might fit the Voice better if he knows what Jay is about to say; I don't know what the voice is. :)


Hmm, that is an error on my part, but I like it that it knows what he's going to say. I'll keep it as is. And I made my statement about the voice above.



This is just my opinion, but I think an ellipses would be more ominous/foreboding there than the comma before "more or less".

Fixed.



A little messed up on punctuation there. Let me see about fixing it up (I don't like the "anyways", either, so i'll omit that): "That day when I saw your... predicament... well, I could not simply let fate take its couurse".

Tenacity IMPLIES never giving up, so I wouldn't say both. I'd just say "You and he share tenacity, even when..." or "...share a certain tenaciousness, even when..."

One-sided though it may be, they ARE having a conversation, so no real reason for the sartasti-quotes. :)


Fixed, fixed, and fixed.



A "show, don't tell" moment here. I'd rather see HOW Jay was released so violently. Did his body jerk? Did he get a migraine? Blood erupting from his ears? That'd be more fun to see than have lightly mentioned.
.
.
.
Oh, nevermind, I guess. Here it is. :)


Yep, I'd never let a character's suffering go undescribed.



Okay, so the rest of the chapter wasn't bad. Perhaps a little TOO cryptic. It's starting to feel like there might be a bit TOO MANY questions going on, and I can't keep all the different mysteries straight. Where are the scientists from the beginning? What's with Leo's charm thing? What is going on with the rebellions? What's the deal with Richeliu? Who is the voice? What's he want with Leo? What's his history with Jay? And I know there are more than I'm not quite recalling. :) It seems like we should start getting SOME answers, you know?

Well, good news here is that I don't plan on adding much more by the way of cryptic questions. It's about time the plot start to solve a few of the mysteries.
Each arc of this story will answer a specific set of questions. This arc will spend time on the questions surrounding the civil war between the Colonies and the Kingdom.

So, thanks Sid, you're a liferaft in a sea of grammatical errors. Thank you. I am working on your review, trust me. I'll get it done soon.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Koridojo_Blaziken
1st November 2012, 8:55 PM
Having just gotten through the established chapters, I'm afraid I can really only start off with a couple of choice words: "holy damn."

Seriously. I'm not sure if I can even cover the many facets of awesome which kept me reading this thing throughout my break instead of studying for class. The blotches of binary and computer-speak (which seem pretty legit to me? *shrug* I've yet to actually grasp the coding languages myself.), the teasing snippets of information at the beginning of each chapter, the little twists of tweaking and incorporating established game timelines and characters into a largely different world, the unsettling implications of things going to hell interspersed with snarky little moments of humor (SKIPLOOM PUNTING. 8'D ....never again will I underestimate small Pokemon. Thanks so much for that. >.>), and so on.

Aside from occasional spelling and grammar mistakes (which have been pretty easy to read around and which I'm sure have been covered several times over before I popped in, hehn), i found this a very smooth read. Clever twist, too, justifying the method behind the "human-gone-Pokemon" trend as more than just the familiar "oh, we need a hero, here--let's magically yank in a suiting human from a seperate world and turn him/her Pokemon". Even more interesting that said explanation had a scientific origin. Am I seeing allusions to quantum mechanics? Or...well, whatever the current theory is to interdimensional shifts and matter reformation. (String theory? Something along the lines of Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials, perhaps? Or something else entirely that... Ow. So much...science...wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess. *swats at complex formulas hovering above* Gettem away! x_x)

Let's see what else...I'm honestly not sure I can cover anything precisely right now that hasn't already been brought to light and tweaked. I should be able to provide more comprehensive commentary in the future.

Summing up: Good job. (b>_<)b

Brutaka
1st November 2012, 10:36 PM
wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess.

Would have been better if it was written "bowl of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey...stuff"

Knightfall
2nd November 2012, 2:25 AM
Having just gotten through the established chapters, I'm afraid I can really only start off with a couple of choice words: "holy damn."

Better choice words could not have been said. XD



Seriously. I'm not sure if I can even cover the many facets of awesome which kept me reading this thing throughout my break instead of studying for class. The blotches of binary and computer-speak (which seem pretty legit to me? *shrug* I've yet to actually grasp the coding languages myself.),

I admit it. I honestly don't know what the computer text actually means with the numbers and letters. I put those in for added effect. But the binary does actually translate into words. I believe Azurus posted it somewhere in here...



The teasing snippets of information at the beginning of each chapter, the little twists of tweaking and incorporating established game timelines and characters into a largely different world, the unsettling implications of things going to hell interspersed with snarky little moments of humor (SKIPLOOM PUNTING. 8'D ....never again will I underestimate small Pokemon. Thanks so much for that. >.>), and so on.

The quotes at the beginning sometimes take longer to make up than the chapters themselves. Though I love putting them in.
And yes, things are indeed moving towards "all hell breaking loose".

I'm glad you like the Skiploom punting, you can thank watching football for that. Feel free to use that. Maybe that's their national pastime. XD



Aside from occasional spelling and grammar mistakes (which have been pretty easy to read around and which I'm sure have been covered several times over before I popped in, hehn), i found this a very smooth read.


Yeah, grammar and spelling still make a fool out of me occasionally. I can't escape it. But I'm relieved that didn't find them distracting.



Clever twist, too, justifying the method behind the "human-gone-Pokemon" trend as more than just the familiar "oh, we need a hero, here--let's magically yank in a suiting human from a seperate world and turn him/her Pokemon". Even more interesting that said explanation had a scientific origin. Am I seeing allusions to quantum mechanics? Or...well, whatever the current theory is to interdimensional shifts and matter reformation. (String theory? Something along the lines of Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials, perhaps? Or something else entirely that... Ow. So much...science...wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess. *swats at complex formulas hovering above* Gettem away! x_x)


Oh yes, there will be lots more science where that came from. As you out it "wibbley wobbley timey wimey giant space mess". More of that will appear.

In fact, in Chapter Seven, I included a reference to Schrodinger's Cat.

"You were selectively chosen to fulfill this role, but if your curiosity gets the better of you, it will kill you much like the figurative cat. I will not allow the mercy of being both alive and dead; I will ensure that you die."


Umm, I'll say yes, even if I'm not (yet) sure of what those theories are. Again, you can thank Half Life for that interdimensional thing, and how it sort of makes sense.



Let's see what else...I'm honestly not sure I can cover anything precisely right now that hasn't already been brought to light and tweaked. I should be able to provide more comprehensive commentary in the future.

Summing up: Good job. (b>_<)b

Awesome, and feel free to point out anything that needs revising. I always need improvement in my writing.

Thank you for posting! Every post honestly helps out. So, thank you, again.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Knightfall
21st November 2012, 1:32 PM
Chapter Eight: Extradition


“You may ask why I make everything so tedious and drawn out when a direct route is far faster? Simplicity is for the simple-minded and those inclined to be moronic. You brought me under your employment, so you will be content with the way I conduct my business…”
The Vilified One


He saw me, lost in a sea of darkness. He tried to help me, save me, but I pushed him away. Misguided by my own pride.

“Jay! Leo! Get up!”

Kelly’s panicked voice rang throughout the base, shattering the relative midnight silence. Leo stirred from his sleep only slightly, his recovering mind not comprehending her panicked call.

In my pride, I tempted him. I told him to do his worst. He did so, if only to show me the errors of my ways.

He vaguely remembered what exactly happened the night before, a sickening swirl of fire, ice, and pain imprinted on his subconscious was all that remained of that lost night.

An idiot, that’s what I was. A fool, blinded by the lies my mind fed itself, believing that he was evil. I paid the price and I fell into the frozen abyss of ignorance. But I learned from my fall.

Until now, as his senses began to register that not all was well within the base, it was as if his mind had shut down completely. Preserving itself from further degradation from what that … thing had done to it.

Fire, ice, electricity…they hurt. Through the pain, I gained humility.

He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten to his hammock in his room from wherever he had been before, but he didn’t care. Sleep was a welcome break after his mind was through those horrors now long forgotten.

He will protect me. He will guide me. Whether I know it or not, I am his servant.

“Leo! Come on!”

Jay’s voice caused another involuntary twitch, but nothing more. Sleep had not yet washed away the exhaustion he retained from yesterday evening. He knew that he had to move, to see what was wrong, but his body refused to move.

He is good.

“Move.”

Without hesitation, his body jolted into action, the back of his mind overriding any feelings of fatigue. The sensation of bitter cold and blistering heat washed over him as the memories of the previous night flashed before his eyes in all their glory.

Leo tumbled out of the hammock, and somehow managed to land upright. He shook the horrible images away as the darkened room came into focus. He quickly registered the voices of Kelly and Jay, but there were others. He knew their grating, earache-inducing voices all too well; Magnemite.

Using his tail as a torch, he found his satchel lying dejectedly on the floor. He picked it up with one claw and slung it around his shoulder. Cautiously peering out of the doorway into the hall, he found nothing out of the ordinary. Slowly moving down the hallway, he could see the central room in the light of the waning moon, and silhouettes of Jay and Kelly as they furiously whispered on what to do next. In the midst of his stealth, Leo failed to notice that the hushed mechanical tones from outside had suddenly ceased.

Suddenly, the ground heaved and Leo was thrown backwards down the hall, racing the flying shards of glass and wood to the floor. Dust, eager to join in on the fun, kicked up into the air, blinding its befuddled inhabitants. The Luminous Orb shards were knocked from their holders and blinked out as soon as they hit the floor, plunging the base into complete darkness.

Pushing his arms up, he dizzily got to his feet, coughing on the nearly suffocating dust. Over Jay’s colorful swears and Kelly’s lightning attacks from the central room, he detected the telltale buzzing of the Magnemite squad as they entered the gaping hole that used to be the doorway.

The hovering forms of the infernal metal balls distorted the wall of dust as they searched the premises. The beams of light shining from their center eye slicing through the dust and debris. Jay and Kelly seemed to be locked in a stalemated crossfire with the officers. Kelly’s electricity and Jay’s punches keeping the units at bay.

Leo nearly froze when one of the beams spotted him through the dust, clearly marking him as a target. He saw sparks flying as the twin magnets charged an attack.

“Dash.”

The near paralysis faded away as he swiftly obeyed the voice without question. He darted to the opposite side of the hall, and dove into a small room. Through the darkness and dust, he saw twin volleys of electrified plasma wiz past where he stood a moment ago, the bolts burning ugly black streaks into the walls.

Leo quickly searched around the small room for an escape as the group of Magnemite hovered closer. Other than a tall wooden shelf against the wall, there was nothing else in the room, and definitely not a miraculous escape route.

He skidded to a stop in front of the shelf, the sounds of chaos outside the room growing louder. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but he had to find something, anything that might help him. His claws tore through the contents of the shelf, tossing the miscellaneous items to the ground behind him. As he flung an old blanket out of the way, a glint of bright blue from inside an ancient burlap sack caught his eye. He had just grasped the top of the bag with his claws when he heard the unmistakable sound of buzzing directly behind him.

“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order. Leo immediately knew that there were definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, his claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.

“Claws where I can see ’em! ZT! Move it!” the head Magnemite commanded. Leo’s pulse quickened as he slowly raised his empty arm.

“BZT! Now the other one, Charmeleon! Let's go!” the unit shouted confidently, buoyed by his success with his previous orders. Leo didn’t move, he kept his gaze firmly fixed on the bag. He tried to think of any way out of this besides another trip to prison or worse, but nothing revealed itself.

“Put the other claw up! ZT! Now!” He didn’t know what possessed him to even think of such a desperate idea. Possibly his addled mind had suddenly shunned all rationality in favor of unrepressed insanity for that instant. Regardless of why, Leo found himself tightening his grip on the cloth sack. He spun around and chucked the entire bag of primed Orbs at the nearest Magnemite.

In hindsight, it might not have been the greatest idea to activate the bag of extremely volatile artifacts so close to himself, but he had no other choice that didn’t include an indefinite time behind bars.

The sound of shattering glass was the last thing he heard before chaos overthrew normality with an explosion of energy. Time seemed to flash by him in an abstract flurry of rushing colors and sounds as he was swept up in its mighty gale.

His mind was a spinning pottery mold, his back ached as if someone had taken a good few kicks at it, and his entire body was covered in fragments of wood and dirt. Leo slowly opened his eyes. The first thing that greeted his blurry vision was the great white ball floating in a sea of absolute black. After realizing that he was on his back, Leo flopped onto his stomach.

As soon as he was able to will his arms to begin raising his bruised torso off the ground, his other senses of smell and hearing became relevant once more. The caustic odor of burning wood and memories filled his snout as the pained screeches of the Magnemite assaulted him from all angles.

Leo tried to move from his position on all fours, but he could not will himself to get up off the dew-painted grass. Strength slowly drained from him as he contemplated simply dropping back to the earth into an eternal slumber, free of the pressures of reality at last.

He was just about to let his wobbling arms collapse when over the sounds of the burning base and police officers when he heard a faint cry. Kelly!

Grunting with a mixture of rage and fear, he pushed his body up off the damp ground to his feet with newfound strength. Once he was standing upright, he roughly brushed off the layer of dirt, grass, and wood splinters. As soon as he turned his attention to the base, he finally processed the full extent of his actions.

Explosions of blinding light still resonated within the remaining chambers of the base. A miniature rain storm battled with a equally small sun in the air above the structure, causing the weather directly above the building to chaotically shift from sunny to driving rain.

The small room that was once his now had a nicely sized opening to the outside from which smoke billowed out. His feet seemed to control themselves as they moved forward towards the burning base. Gritting his teeth, he ignored the drops of rain that landed on his tail with a sizzle as he reached the opening in the wall.

The thick splintered wood wall looked as if a cannonball shot through it. It was then that Leo realized that he was that cannonball. Shuddering with the thought of coming within a hair’s length of snapping his spine in two, he maneuvered his way through the smoke and into the base.

Once he pushed through the surprisingly thin smoke, he was able to see the remnants of the small room. The walls were seared black from the sheer volume of volatile energy compressed within the Orbs. Charred pieces of the Magnemite squad lay strewn haphazardly on the floor. Leo narrowly avoided slicing his foot open on the jagged edges of the units as he hiked his way across the room.

Almost on the opposite side of the room, a sudden agonized screech from the hall nearly shattered his eardrums. A Magnemite whizzed around the corner, followed closely by an array of items ranging from Leo’s own bag to the apples from the kitchen. Regardless of size or inability to move, they raced through the air and collided with the exhausted officer.

“Argghh! ZZZT! Get them off!” he screamed as the weight of the items started pulling him down. Leo, not in any mood to help the struggling officer, found his badge and key necklace on the surface of the conglomeration of stuff piled on the Pokemon.

He plucked them off easily and kicked the roughly sphere-shaped ball of items. A densely muffled curse from within was all that was heard by Leo. Grinning on the inside, Leo returned to the ruined hallway, slipping the key’s chain over his neck.

The roof over the hall was nearing a state of final collapse. The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before stopping, their broken sides braced against the walls. Despite the major obstacle now lodged in his way, Leo dropped to all fours and began worming his body underneath the fallen timbers, thankful that his scales provided at least some protection against the debris.

As he inched his way closer to the center room, the sounds of his teammates gradually lessened, replaced by the oppressive static hum of the unexploded members of the police corp. His heart nearly leapt out of his chest, but he forced himself to keep his cool as he clawed at the ground, pulling himself forward.

He could see their search beams; the officer’s lights penetrated the dust and darkness of his half-destroyed home. As he contemplated how to get past the officers that separated him from his teammates, his gaze was caught by a dull blue glimmer from underneath a mound of rubble. Reaching into the dirt, his claws closed on the small crystal sphere whose identity was unmistakable: it was an Orb. Somehow, it had survived the initial explosion that had consumed its brethren inside the bag.

Holding it closer, he could faintly see the slightly cracked surface of the blue sphere. Deciding to keep it for the time being, he squirmed further along under the fallen roof.
He could hear the Magnemite clearly now, and he knew he would have very little time, if any, once he freed himself on the other side of the hall.

With a few more grunts, he was a single timber from revealing himself to the searchlights of the officers, but it also meant he was a single log away from potential freedom. Briefly weighing the odds of each scenario, he figured he might as well make an attempt at an escape.

Taking one last deep breath to calm his racing heart, he gripped the Orb in his claw, and rammed the damaged log out of the way with a hit from his shoulder. In an instant, several blinding beams of light shot his way.

“ZT! Detain the suspect!” one of them screeched as the rest of the floating steel sphere began to cackle with charging electricity. Aside from the fact that Jay and Kelly were nowhere to be found in the center room, his body instinctively tensed for the searing pain of the electric bolts.

“Throw.”

As if it was a spark, his body jolted into action. Time seemed to slow as he raised his right arm, Orb in claw. He trained his sights on a Magnemite directly across the room from him, took a quick breath, and prayed to whatever deity governed the world that this Orb didn’t destroy the base completely.

He swung his arm forward, releasing the Orb from his claws, letting inertia take care of the rest. The sphere sliced through the dust, and collided directly with the center eye of the Magnemite. As soon as the mystical orb shattered, Leo felt himself lurch forward as the room spun itself on its axis.

Leo found himself facing his exit on the side of the room opposite the hallway. He turned his head around to see that all of the spotlights were still focused on where he stood, but there only hovered a very confused Magnemite. They had switched places. Leo silently rejoiced at his luck.
His celebration was brought to a quick close when one of the units found him, the flaming tail not providing much camouflage in the dark.

“Run.”

Leo did not need any encouragement. He burst through the now empty doorway as streaks of lightning shot by his head. Clutching his nearly forgotten badge, he sprinted out of the base into the moonlit night, no idea where he was going as long as it was away from the base.

In his flight, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and he went tumbling to the ground, dizzily somersaulting down the grassy slope. As the world once again flew by in flashes of blurred ground, night sky, and his own fiery tail, Leo struggled to halt his roll downwards by digging his claws into the dirt.

Earth sprayed everywhere, coating his scales in a fine dust. Just as he hoped, his body slowed and he was finally able to stop at the bottom of the steep embankment. Despite the fact that his world was tilting more erratically than a particularly clumsy Spinda, he could hear the sounds of pursuing units growing louder as they followed him down the slope.

Lurching from side to side, Leo staggered his way towards the mass of darkness he hoped were trees. He vaguely saw a bolt of plasma shoot past him and into the side of the slope, burning its way several inches into the packed dirt.

Leo shuddered at the thought of what one of those bolts would do to him if they hit. He certainly wasn’t going to give them a chance. Concentrating on the forest before him, he was able to overcome his distorted balance as he staggered into the woods.

As if fate had switched off his luck, he heard the standard whoosh of displaced air that accompanied each attack, but just before he dismissed it as another haywire blast, his entire body flew forward as something extremely hot and painful collided with his spine.
Electrical currents flashed across his vision as his body reflexively contorted in agony. His feet stumbled over the exposed roots of the ancient oaks along the path. Carried solely by the force of inertia, his body crashed forward through the low-lying braches and brush to the ground.

Fallen leaves kicked into the air as Leo went sliding along the forest path, the small circular black mark scorched into his back, his charred scales and flesh smoking faintly as electricity continued to burn through him like rice paper.

His heart, temporarily stunned by the bolt, restarted itself, beating just enough to ensure that its owner remained among the living. Leo tried to open his eyes, but his body refused to listen, instead deciding to give his nerves another jolt of pain. A feeling of cold settled over him as his tail flame faded until only an ember’s worth remained alight.

He heard the radioed cries of the Magne-units as they combed the woods for him and his team. His key, colder than steel, sandwiched between his chest and the ground that bit uncomfortably against his body. It stung, but at the very least, it was a cruel reminder that he was still alive, for the time being. His badge was still clutched by his immobile claws.

While his body was still stunned, his hearing recovered enough to provide the sensory details to his brain. Dead leaves rustled and crunched as someone or something stealthily walked over them. Leo’s weakened heart beat faster as the footsteps came closer, causing his chest to spark with pain from the extra strain upon the muscle.

Unable to see little more than a dim patch of blurred forest, he was unable to shift his head to see who the stranger was, but his fears were alleviated as soon as he heard its whispered voice.

“Glad you made it. Kel and I were worried you didn’t get out, especially after that huge explosion near your room,” Jay whispered into his ear, as he ducked underneath the foliage of the forest floor to avoid the wandering searchlights of the officers.

Jay shuffled around the fallen Charmeleon so his body crouched over his weak tail fire, hiding it from detection temporarily. The Riolu’s mask of black fur, faintly illuminated by the flame, added to the furtive feel that filled the air.

“Kelly’s in a glade up ahead. She wanted me to search for you in case you had gotten away, I’d say mission accomplished,” he said with a slight grin that flashed his teeth.

Looking down at Leo, his smile faded. “I saw you get hit. How bad?” Jay asked, his hushed tones barely audible to the Charmeleon.

Somehow, he managed to make his vocal cords work. “I don’t know … hurts,” he croaked.

Jay gingerly brushed off a few leaves that were stuck to the wound by either dried blood or the electrical current. A small blackened circle was the only direct evidence that Leo had even been hit. Jay looked over the wound as best he could in the dark forest. From what he could tell, nothing major had been impacted. The blast had been mostly stopped by his scales and what little power remained had either burned into him or stunned his muscles.

“I know it hurts; I’ve been hit by one before too,” he pointed to a small irregular scar on his left arm. “Fortunately, Magnemite aren’t made to kill outright. You’ll be fine once the paralysis wears off,” Jay concluded as he peaked above the brush to see if the Magnemite were searching far enough away not to hear their talking.

“Can you move anything? Arms? Legs? We have to get moving,” Jay asked as he received only a twitch of Leo’s outstretched claws to show the extent of his mobility.
Jay groaned as loud as he dared, wondering what to do.

“We can’t stay here, our ‘friends’ are going to find us…” Jay shut his eyes and concentrated for a brief moment. Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution to their predicament.

Suddenly, his head shot up. “I’ve got it!” he whispered hoarsely as he rummaged around his torn and slightly charred satchel. He pulled out something small and held it so Leo could see it in the glow of his tail. It was a small crimson berry; a small curly green stem remained on it.

“Please tell me you can still chew,” Jay asked cautiously, hoping the answer was positive. The Riolu breathed an audible sigh of relief when Leo nodded. He dropped the berry into Leo’s mouth and watched as the Charmeleon munched on the small berry.

At first, it appeared to have slightly less flavor than the dust he inhaled in the base, but after a few chews his tongue felt like it had been subjected to a once over with a flamethrower. As the spicy juices of the fruit burned its way into his taste buds, Leo felt his muscles and nerves burn with the same heat as they painfully returned to life. The temporary shock inflicted on his body was lifted in a single tongue-scorching bite.

Leo hopped to his feet, tail flaring in response to the sudden resurgence of activity. Despite Jay’s hushed warnings to keep silent, Leo spat the partly chewed berry out and ran his claws over his burning tongue trying to wipe the remaining fire off.

Jay had enough sense to clamp both paws down on the Charmeleon’s snout, silencing his rather loud actions, but unfortunately, he hadn’t the sense to act a few seconds earlier. As if they were center stage on one of the great halls of Silver City, every single searchlight in the forest was trained on the two Pokemon.

“Dodge!”

All thoughts of pulling Jay’s paws off his mouth were discarded and some force in his body made his claws latch onto Jay’s shoulders and lunge to the side, taking the Riolu along. As the two Pokemon landed in the brush, several spheres of plasma converged into an explosive fireball where they had been standing.

“Run!”

Not letting the Riolu even get the chance to brush himself off, Leo hauled him to his feet and was almost dragging him through the forest. His mind had shut out Jay’s protests to let go, even as plasma bolts slammed into the surrounding trees with dull thuds. He didn’t know where he was sprinting to, but something seemed to nudge his legs forward toward the western forest, and he didn’t object.

When Jay finally ripped his paw away with a grunt, the Riolu faltered slightly in his sprint at first. However, he was soon nimbly bounding over the thick roots of the dark woods. Leo’s short, reptilian legs struggled to keep up with Jay, the entire scene vaguely reminiscent of a similar scenario a few days before on his way into the Square.

Leo was nearly thrown to the ground as he collided into something metal. Skidding along the leaf littered floor, the Charmeleon clambered to his feet as the lone Magnemite hovered only a few feet in front of him.

“ZT! Suspect found in Valley Forest, Western Sector. Salient divided! I repeat Salient is divided! BZT! Reinforcements requested!”

“That’s quite enough of that.”

Suddenly, Leo felt as if his lungs had caught on fire. It wasn’t the agonizing heat that he’d felt during his fight with Nexus; it was another, unnatural heat. He felt the heat rise up his throat, and almost instinctively, he let the fire exhale through his mouth. The fireball flashed into existence once it contacted the open air.

The Magnemite only saw the flash of bright orange before the attack consumed his spherical body entirely. The flames did not fade into nothingness as they did before; they seemed to grow in intensity.

The unit screeched as its metal components softened under the scorching fire and the steel shell surrounding the wires at its core began to melt. Electricity sparked erratically as the wires fused with the molten metal. The officer, widely veered around in the air, screeching as his brain solidified. Fortunately, for the Pokemon, a nearby tree took mercy on him and kindly allowed him to collide with its bark and explode.

Leo didn’t waste any time grieving; he sprinted past the smoking remains like a rocket. The smoldering metal crunched under his tread as the core of wires shattered. He could hear the cries and sirens of the perusing officers close behind him; he clutched his badge tighter in his claws and focused on not tripping on the endless tree roots.

He didn’t notice it in the nearly pitch-black night, but he felt it like the wintery breath of Articuno when he passed through it: a dungeon barrier. The sudden drop in temperature was instantly rectified as he passed into the warped forest. Leo shivered as the coldness exited his body, and he looked around him in a circle.

There was no sight of the Magnemite, even though their searchlights should have been visible in the murky woods. He turned to look ahead of him once more, and to his surprise, he saw a small trail leading through the thicket of trees that hadn’t existed a second ago. When he squinted, he could even see Jay’s form speeding a ways down the path.

No! I am not getting left behind again! Leo thought as he tried his best to keep the Riolu within sight. Unfortunately, the trees had a different plan. As he sprinted down the trail, Leo did not notice that the branches above him began to move on their own accord. He did not notice when the trunks began to widen and compress in ways that defied the laws of nature as they blocked the path behind him. Nor did he notice when vines suddenly started constricting their way around the trees and snaking into the shrinking trail.

Only when the roots began to uplift and rearrange themselves did he finally take stock of the changes. The dungeon was trying to engulf him. He pushed past the stitch building up in his side and sprinted as fast as his legs would allow. His breath grew thin and labored as his lungs burned.

The dungeon would not be outdone. The branches began to swing downwards onto the path, blocking it much like the roof had obstructed the hall before. Gritting his teeth, Leo kept his speed despite the road blockage. The dungeon had taunted him, and now he was going to accept its challenge.

Never wavering in his stride, Leo quickly approached the organic blockade. The distance lessening with every footstep, Leo knew he had to be accurate or else he would fall face first into the awaiting arms of the forest.

Taking a final breath, he leaped up in the air, the inertia from his sprint catapulting him forward. The night air seemed to go by his head with a whooshing sound as he tried to keep his body upright, no small feat while airborne.

While he may have overcome the first branch, there were others still yet in front of him.
The branches and vines seemed to reach up at him, as if they were taunting him to slip up, to make that one fatal error that sent him crashing down to their slithering tendrils.
As his momentum finally began to wane, Leo knew he wouldn’t make it over unscathed.

His body neared the boughs as an idea popped into his head. It was functional—in theory—and more appealing than being dragged into the depths of the dungeon. As gravity took its toll on his flight, Leo twisted his body so that his feet were behind him.

He touched down on the branch at an angle. Using the basic principles of physics, he pushed off with his claws. The little power behind his push was augmented as he swung his legs underneath him so they were now in front of him. The shift in weight carried enough force to break the downward momentum and launch him over the remaining branches.

He landed on the ground awkwardly, hopping a few times trying to regain his balance as the dungeon shuddered; the trees seemed to tremble as if they were receiving punishment for their failure to detain him. Leo shook his head and continued his run, as the path closed in around him.

He could see a moonlit clearing up ahead, his teammate’s silhouettes moving along the ground. The opening to the clearing was closing rapidly, choked by two huge, contorting oaks. The path had turned into an organic zipper, and Leo was on the verge of being caught up in the dungeon’s rage.

The distance between him and the opening grew less as he sprinted along the final stretch. Vines and shifting roots constantly wiped at each other along the ground, fighting for which would get the honor of ensnaring him.

Vines slithered from their positions in the trees to the ground. Leo felt them writhe under his feet like worms. He didn’t care, he was only a few strides away from the opening and escape. Escape from the Magnemite, escape from the dungeon.

The two oaks beside the entrance suddenly joined at their base and were rapidly combining into a single tree as to seal off the glade. Leo didn’t hesitate. He jumped as high as he could into the air, clearing the conjoined trunk. Before he could complete his nose-dive into the glade, his body was jerked back in midair.

A single, green tendril had saw fit to wrap itself around his ankle and was trying to slither its way around his leg while also pulling him back. Leo let out a pained yell, and in a flash, both Jay and Kelly were at his side.

Kelly stood on her hind legs and tried to hold onto the Charmeleon’s claws with hers; while Jay took a hold of Leo’s other outstretched arm and dug his heels into the ground.
They both pulled on the Charmeleon against the dungeon-spawned vine, stuck on the weaker side of a macabre tug of war game.

Leo kicked his legs in a vain attempt to both free himself and keep the vine from twisting around him further. Jay growled, pulling harder on Leo’s arm as Kelly somehow managed to balance herself on two legs while also pulling against the vine.

The vine, being only a plant, could not hope to hold out against the combined efforts of three Pokemon. After a final tug on its end, the tendril around Leo’s ankle split from the main plant with an earsplitting snap. The victors of the game went tumbling backwards to the ground.

After a minute of awkward untangling of tails and arms, the three members of Team Salient looked at each other with stares of relief, slight irritation, and utter confusion.

“So, does anyone want to tell me what just happened?!” Leo asked, crossing his arms, only vaguely noticing that his badge was still clutched numbly in his claw.

“We were hit by a raid,” Jay said as he noticed the dull glint of Leo’s badge as the weak light of the moon reflected off it.

“Uh-huh. Yeah, I can see that, Jay. I want to know why,” Leo reiterated as he tapped his foot on the ground in annoyance.

“Is that your badge?” Jay inquired, avoiding the Charmeleon’s question completely.

Slightly taken by surprise at the randomness of the question, Leo reflexively opened his claw to reveal the badge fully.

“Great, now hand it over. It has to go,” Jay demanded, holding out his right paw.
Leo drew back his badge, holding it close to him.

“Why? Why does it have to go?” Leo clutched his badge tighter as Jay let out an exasperated sigh.

“Because, they can track you through it!” Jay yelled, pointing vaguely in the direction of the Magnemite, “Believe me, I know what they do. I’ve experienced it first hand,” he said, his voice lowering so his teammates could barely hear him.

“Fine, just get it over with ... Wait, you’ve been through this before?” Leo asked, as curiosity rose up inside of him. What else has he been through?

“It’s nothing. Just … just give me your badge, please. We don’t have much time. Kelly, yours too, please,” Jay responded, trying to evade the subject.
Leo remained unmoved and now Kelly was interested in the subject as well.

“Jay? What are you talking about? You’ve never mentioned this before,” Kelly inquired, suspicion worming its way into her mind.

“Seriously, can we talk about this later? Maybe, I don’t know, when we’re not being tracked?!” Jay said; fidgeting as he desperately tried to change the conversation.

“You were so eager to know about my past, now why don’t you tell us yours?” Leo pressed the Riolu, who refused to look at him directly.
“Are you the reason the Magnemite are hunting us? Is it something you did?!” Leo guessed, his voice becoming harsher with each passing second. Jay suddenly looked up, furious.

“Something I did?! I seem to recall you being in a prison when you were assigned to us. And you’re one to talk about not telling us anything.” the Riolu was as close to screaming as he could get. He marched toward the Charmeleon, and planted a paw squarely on his chest accusingly. “Tell me Leo, who exactly are you?”

He continued. “How do we know this isn’t your fault?! We know nothing about you. For all we know, you’re a convicted arsonist, or a complete psychopath, or both!” Jay narrowed his eyes at Leo.

“Hey! Guys! Cool it, or else we’re going to be heard!” Kelly hissed, though was promptly ignored by the two erring Pokemon.

“Oh please, I told you all everything I knew that night. I have no secrets. You, though, don’t trust us enough to tell us anything!” Leo was lying through his teeth, but he was caught up in the heat of his argument.

“Leo! Jay! Both of you, shut up!” Kelly snapped, once again ignored in favor of their loud argument.

“You know? If you actually told us what is going on in your head, maybe we’d be able to solve your problem. When were you going to tell us tha—” as he yelled at Leo, Jay’s words were suddenly lost as a severe shiver went through him, as if the temperature exclusively around him dropped below freezing.

“Cease. Now.”

When it passed, he seemed to have lost all malice toward his teammate.
Jay looked at Leo, a subtle mixture of absolute fear and terror was visible in the Riolu’s eyes. Whatever he had gone through had shocked him pretty badly.

“I-I’m sorry, I was wrong to pry into your life,” he stuttered, his words sounding as if he was forced to say them with a knife pressed against his throat.

“But, we do need to get rid of our badges. That’s a certainty. Leo, and Kelly, you too, please,” Jay asked meekly, making sure to keep his voice low.

Leo was too perplexed by what Jay’s complete turnaround in attitude to pay attention when Kelly gently eased his badge from his claws. She tossed the emblem over to the Riolu while she found hers on the ground and once more kicked it over to him, keeping a reasonable distance away from her teammate.

Jay silently nodded as he picked up both of the trinkets as well as a small rock he could hold easily in his other paw. Leo watched curiously as Jay took his own badge and placed it on an ancient stump. Taking the stone, Jay slammed it down onto the back where his paw print was etched into the reflective bronze metal. The metal made a resilient clinking noise with every impact. After several hits with the rock, the metal let out a sudden blue spark, contrasting sharply with the moonlit clearing.

Wiping his arm across his forehead, Jay examined the damaged item. Nodding quietly to himself, he tossed the identification piece over his shoulder and into the forest where it was quickly swallowed up by the shifting trees.

“One down, two to go,” Leo heard his teammate whisper as he watched Jay grab Kelly’s badge and repeat the same process. Hit. Clink. Another hit. Another metallic clink. Until the badge fizzled and sparked.

Leo felt a twinge of pain with every hit Jay landed on his badge, as if a small part of him was dying with every smack. His badge lasted ten hits with the nearly broken wedge of stone before sparking. Having rendered it inoperable, Jay tossed the broken piece of metal behind him.

“Alright, that’s done.” Jay took a quick look around the dark clearing. “It’s still a ways until dawn. I suggest we try to get some sleep. We’re safe from the dungeon in this glade,” Jay reasoned.

“You know? That sounds pretty good. We’ll figure out what to do in the morning,” Kelly agreed, cutting off Leo’s upcoming argument.



The Sableye sat alone behind the counter of his shop. Even though it was shortly past midnight, he refused to retire. He knew. He knew that if he slept, he wouldn't wake up. For the alterations he made to the orders, he knew there was going to be hell to pay.

He hadn't done what his superior had ordered. No, he looked at the contents of the message. He had secretly delivered it to Officer Gear, not the agent the Scyther told him about. The second he saw those kids' names among those who needed to die, he knew he had to do something. He had altered the order and hopefully, that mistake gave them a chance to get out of Loyalty.

“I've got to get out of here...” Aleck muttered as his claws carefully analyzed each coin of his meager fortune.

His plans for the future were interrupted by a single loud knock on the counter. Slowly looking up from his coins and hastily packed bags, he saw the silhouette of a Bug type he recognized instantly in the waning light of the moon, a single scythe pressed against the wooden countertop.

“Darnéy,” he stated while his crystal eyes glittered in the darkness of the night.

The Scyther did not respond. Other then his breathing, he was silent. He drew his scythe slowly across the counter, shaving off thin layers of wood as he passed the appendage back and forth. His wings twitched while his gaze bore down on the Sableye.

“... Treachery is a terrible crime, Aleck..." The Scyther suddenly lowered his head until Aleck’s face was only inches away. Both Pokemon stared resolutely at each other. The Sableye knew perfectly well what danger he was in, but he kept himself rooted in place. He would stand his ground at his shop.

“I did the job I deemed was right. I refuse to murder children, is that wrong in your eyes, Darnéy? Is it?!" Aleck hissed vehemently, his claws pushing the fuming Scyther's blade back from his face.

“Several vital targets escaped the raids. Our cover was nearly blown. And you have the gall to sit here and claim that you were right? ... Is that it, Aleck?” Darnéy calmly asked. Aleck could see it behind his eyes. A wave of rage that manifested itself in the minute shudders that passed through his wings.

Aleck knew what was going to happen. He'd seen it coming ever since he had altered the orders for the Magnemite to not kill but simply arrest Team Salient. He was going to die.

"That's exactly right, Darnéy. I'm done. If the Colonies can order the murders of three children drawn in by horrible circumstances, then I rescind any support." Aleck proudly stated even as the Bug-type absently sharpened his right scythe on his carapace.

Darnéy looked up from his task with his blade. “Then so be it, imp.” He suddenly lashed forward, his wings propelling him faster than Aleck could see. He slammed the broad side of his scythe against the small Pokemon’s head. There was a sharp crack as Aleck’s right crystal eye split into several small fragments. The merchant stood upright for a moment, swaying slightly from side to side before collapsing to the ground in a crumbled heap.

Quickly looking up from his deed, the Scyther glanced around the street. Not one soul remained out at this late hour, much to the Pokemon’s relief. He turned back to his victim. A low groan issued from the fallen merchant and traitor to the Colonies , indicating he was still alive. For now.

Darnéy acted quickly. Buzzing his wings, he hovered up and over the counter. Bending down, he carefully slid his right scythe into a small pouch slung over is shoulder and skewered a small golden seed, causing small amounts of yellow dust to trickle out. He held the seed over the struggling Sableye, forcing the dust onto Aleck’s body. The shopkeeper’s body twitched once and then fell still.

Pleased with the Stun Seed’s performance, the Scyther maneuvered his scythe underneath the small Pokemon and heaved him over his spiny shoulder. Glancing around once more, he deftly sprinted into the shadows of a nearby alley just as three patrolling Magnemite floated down the stone street.

He watched them intently; remaining motionless as the automations hovered by his position. A low groan from Aleck caused the Scyther to hold his breath as the Magnemite quickly lit up their search beams and scanned the area.

Backup plans raced around his head, he could easily take those two out, but not before they would alert every unit in a ten mile radius. However, his fears were put to rest when the trio of officers abandoned their inspection and continued on their way.

No longer inhibited by any obstacles, the Scyther leaped from his hiding place and into the street. His clawed feet made minimal noise on the stone as he ensured that no stray witnesses remained. He glanced at his hostage’s limp form, a scowl of disdain making its way across his face.

“Thus ends all traitors,” he hissed as his wings began to buzz rapidly. He rotated each of his legs once, and, in a blur of green and steel-grey, he was gone into the woods surrounding the town, an untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.



“Sir?” the Magnemite asked as he and his two counterparts reported the results of the three raids their new commander had ordered.

Richelieu, despite being exhausted by his efforts to oust Officer Gear from his position of power earlier that evening, slowly rose from his roosting position. His gold-tinted steel feathers clinked against each other as he rustled them.

“Ah, you three. You headed the raids, correct?” Richelieu inquired, blinking as he tried to wake himself up fully.

“Affirmative. ZT!” they all answered at once, causing the governor’s still groggy head to cringe in pain. He quickly shook it off, and put on his usual air of seriousness.

“Good, good. And it goes without saying that you all were successful, correct?” Richelieu assumed, inspecting each of the units.

“Yes, sir! Suspects detained! ZT!”

“Correct! Traitors captured!”

The final unit hovered uncomfortably as he made various noises similar to what a Mareep makes when pitted against a hungry Mightyena.

Richelieu narrowed his eyes and craned his neck forward so that his was looking directly down on the terrified unit.

“That wouldn’t happen to be an issue of conflict would it, officer?” he said, his voice cold. The Magnemite’s center eye shrank even further than the Skarmory thought possible.

“N-no, no, no, no! Not at all, sir! ZT! The raid was a c-complete s-s-success!” the Magnemite stammered, his panic growing. His eye glanced to the sides at his two partners, but they were at the opposite sides of the room, snickering to themselves as they readied themselves for what was going to come next.

Richelieu brought his beak closer to the unit’s center eye.
“You wouldn’t happen to be lying through your speakers now would you? Because I hate—no, I loathe, liars, especially when they lie to my face.”

The Magnemite whirled his magnets around furiously, as his eye tried to look anywhere in the room besides the governor’s eyes.

“You know what I do to liars? I order them to rot in the lowest, most Arceus-forsaken pit for the rest of their miserable lives. Now, would you like to perhaps rectify your previous statement?”

The Magnemite tried to maintain his silence, but he made the mistake of allowing his eye to lock with Richelieu’s piercing gaze.

“Alright! ZT! My team failed! ZZT! Failed to catch Salient! Please don’t deactivate me!” he screeched with the machine equivalent of sobbing.

Richelieu pulled his head back, a smug smile traced across his metal beak.
“I’m disappointed in you, officer. You and your team have just let several individuals who the Inner Council has listed as dangerous escape. You have disappointed the Kingdom along with every law-abiding citizen within its borders.”

The Magnemite let out a small squeak of relief, which was quickly crushed by the Skarmory’s next statement.

“We cannot allow units such as you and your team go unpunished, that is why you are being reassigned to the Sawgrass Town patrol.”

The Magnet Pokemon lost it. “What? Sawgrass? …… No! Nononononononononono! Not Sawgrass! They’ll eat me alive!” he screeched as small spark “tears” flew from his body.

“That is no longer my concern. Axis, go round up the rest of his team and make sure they are escorted to their new assignment immediately.”

The deputy, who had been floating silently outside of the doorway for some time now came inside the room. “Right now, Gea-vernor?” he said, catching himself before he said his previous boss’s name.

Richelieu would have chastised the Magneton for his mistake had he not been occupied in condemning this unit to a living hell.
“Yes, right now. Get to it.”

Axis hovered in front of the shaking unit, and with a barely audible “I’m sorry”, attached his magnets to the officer’s, and promptly short-circuited him. As Axis dragged the unfortunate unit’s chassis from Richelieu’s office, the condemned metal ball spoke.

“ZT! Gear would never do this!”

“Gear is gone now, for good,” the metal bird chuckled.



“It has come onto my understanding that my plans, and thus eventual peace are being interfered with. I only ask that you grant me the permission of perhaps … escalating my range of influence.”

… … ...

“Of course, I fully understand. Those who seek to endanger the world must be removed from it.”

End Chapter Eight


Author’s Notes:

Well, that wasn’t that bad. All things considered, I got that written pretty quickly.

Anyways, I loved this chapter. It contains many of the rather strange mechanics of the Mystery Dungeon series. For instance, “what happens when a whole bunch of Orbs go off at once”, and “to what lengths will dungeons go to trap you?”
The first one alone was what made me continue to press forward until I finished it.

This chapter also allowed me to explore just how Leo’s mind was affected by his “friend’s” actions a few chapters back. I think it’s a twist on the completely paranoid, half-schizophrenic, unstable Leo you all were expecting after that ordeal.

Well, as always, immense thanks to my beta reader, Shadow Lucario 50 and my friends on here. Brutaka, for all of my amazing banners, and Azurus for just being there to talk and do things with. Thanks for everything; I would have never made it this far without you all.

And Sid, this chapter is a longer one, and for that I apologize in the most insincere way possible. Have fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Azurus
21st November 2012, 4:43 PM
The dungeon was making trying to engulf him. What is this meant to say? "making an effort in trying to engulf him"? "was trying to engulf him"?

Other than that, really good chapter. Also it would seem Alecks parcel framed teamed salient, well atleast that little plot was revealed.

I never expected the dungeons to reform at any time, but I guess it makes sense and why they always have a different layout each time. Very interesting descriptions there.

Keep up the good work.

Knightfall
21st November 2012, 5:12 PM
Uhh, yeah. That was a mistake. I'll fix that.

Yes, Aleck framed Team Salient, even though it was unknown to him. I guess he got what he deserved.

Dungeons are a strange realm for me. Their behavior is fun to write since they can be erratic and unpredictable. But it does make sense.

Thanks, and same to you. You have to get your story done sometime.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Kukansis
21st November 2012, 6:50 PM
How did I miss you posting this?


Anyways, another excellent chapter. You continue to amaze me with your attention to detail.

Huh, now I have to wonder why the Scyther didn't kill Aleck outright, as well as what Jay's backstory is.

Keep up the awesome work, Knightfall!

Knightfall
21st November 2012, 7:06 PM
Hey, I'm just glad to see you here.

Thanks, that's partly why they take so dang long to write. I sometimes end up putting too much detail in and spoiling the scene, but that's what a beta reader is for.

Well, that was kinda thought of on the fly, but I do have a reason for it. Aleck's troubles aren't over yet.
And Jay ... well, that's up for speculation.

Thanks, I hope to see something from you soon as well.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sidewinder
25th November 2012, 10:08 PM
Sorry it's taken me a week longer than I told you it would lol. The thanksgiving holiday has destroyed my day to day with all the family I had staying here.

Two things before I commence my review of your latest chapter:

First, I spent at least thirty minutes on the beginning of chapter three at the error code/sequence of numbers and letters at trying to decipher any sort of hidden meaning hidden within. After it rolled around to forty-five minutes my wife looked over and called me an idiot for staring for so long. I was possessed that if I put the letters in a certain order it would spell out some of the plot but alas, I couldn't discern anything. Is there something there? Because if so I'll take another look, but if not let me know so I don't waste any more time haha

Secondly, I've noticed that you've been having a little trouble with formatting when posting your chapters. Example:


She didn’t know why she was leaving, but she knew that she couldn’t stay. She traveled for the next few months through the backland highways that wound through the heartland of the Kingdom until she arrived at Loyalty.
She never planned to stay, but then she met Jay in the café and they found out that they came from similar situations. How the subject of forming an independent exploration team came up or how they both agreed to it, she couldn’t remember, but she was glad it happened.

You are more than capable of letting stuff like this not happen. A simple proofread before posting a chapter can make sure stuff like this is weeded out. After a while of reading mistakes like that I ended up losing my place several times and going back over passages I had already read. I mean, you realize the importance of what I'm saying so I won't harp on it too much lol

On to chapter 8!


Without hesitation, his body jolted into action, the back of his mind overriding any feelings of fatigue. The sensation of bitter cold and blistering heat washed over him as the memories of the previous night flashed before his eyes in all their glory.

I thought you portrayed that action extremely well. Not only did I get a vivid image of what was happening but the wordplay was very well written and colorful


where he stood a moment ago. The bolts burned ugly black streaks into the walls.

I feel like the stop there with the period cuts away from the quickness of the situation. It may work a bit better like this:


where he stood a moment ago, the bolts burning ugly black streaks into the walls.

You dig?


In hindsight, it might not have been the greatest idea to activate the bag of extremely volatile artifacts so close to himself, but he had no other choice that didn’t include an indefinite time behind bars.

I don't know if you're trying to just sum up the action or you we're trying to add a little bit of comedy there but it works both ways. I saw it as more of a comedic statement, and for some reason it distracted me away from what's happening and made me reevaluate the situation and look at it from a new angle in a very good way. Nicely done


he crudely brushed off the layer of dirt, grass, and wood splinters.

I don't know if I would use crudely there. I think roughly, quickly, or absentmindedly would work a bit better


He pulled out something small and held it so Leo could see it in the glow of his tail. It was a small crimson berry; a small curly green stem remained on it.

lol I wondered if they were going to come up with that


The unit screeched as its metal components softened under the scorching fire and the steel shell surrounding the wires at its core began to melt. Electricity sparked erratically as the wires fused with the molten metal. The officer, widely veering around in the air, screeching as his brain solidified.

Wow that was good. You should go back and read your first chapter than read this one. The differences from chapter to chapter in regards to how well your ability and vocabulary improves is really impressive. Every chapter is better than the last, which is something that's flung around, but you really are getting better as the story progresses. Screeching as his brain solidified...wow, such vivid explanation. Loved the intensity


The Scyther suddenly lashed forward, his wings propelling him faster than a speeding Sharpedo.

hmm, I'm not sure about comparing the Scyther's movement with that of another Pokemon. When I read that passage I saw a Sharpedo attacking Aleck instead of the Scyther, which obviously isn't what happened. But when you mix names like that it can sometimes have the tendency to overtake a reader's thoughts and push them in a direction you don't want them to go in.


surrounding the town. An untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.

that's another oppurtunity where you could replace the period with a comma and achieve the same effect


a Mareep makes when pitted against a hungry Mightyena.

This right here is an example where that comparison works really well. Great job!


Richelieu pulled his head back, a smug smile traced across his metal beak.

Wow, Richelieu is really cranking it up. *Shiver*

All in all, a lovely chapter, which is something I've come to expect from you for since I began reading a few months ago. I feel like Salient is biting off a little bit more than they can handle, but Leo is surprising me with his resolve and it makes me think they may not be doomed to absolute failure after all. Keep me updated on your progress because I'm really excited to read the next chapter. Good luck buddy

Knightfall
26th November 2012, 1:53 AM
Sorry it's taken me a week longer than I told you it would lol. The thanksgiving holiday has destroyed my day to day with all the family I had staying here.

Hey, don't worry about it. I welcome any review anytime. I'm just glad you're here.



Two things before I commence my review of your latest chapter:

First, I spent at least thirty minutes on the beginning of chapter three at the error code/sequence of numbers and letters at trying to decipher any sort of hidden meaning hidden within. After it rolled around to forty-five minutes my wife looked over and called me an idiot for staring for so long. I was possessed that if I put the letters in a certain order it would spell out some of the plot but alas, I couldn't discern anything. Is there something there? Because if so I'll take another look, but if not let me know so I don't waste any more time haha

Well, it's actually in hexidecimal code, and without a converter, it's just numbers and letters. Azurus posted a pretty accurate translation of it and of the binary code from the prologue. His post is directly after Chapter Three.



You are more than capable of letting stuff like this not happen. A simple proofread before posting a chapter can make sure stuff like this is weeded out. After a while of reading mistakes like that I ended up losing my place several times and going back over passages I had already read. I mean, you realize the importance of what I'm saying so I won't harp on it too much lol

I'll fix that, stupid formatting. I'll be sure to look at the preview more closely in the future because they can be decieving.



I thought you portrayed that action extremely well. Not only did I get a vivid image of what was happening but the wordplay was very well written and colorful


Thanks, I've been trying to give myself lots of practice doing that.



I feel like the stop there with the period cuts away from the quickness of the situation. It may work a bit better like this:

You dig?

I dig.



I don't know if you're trying to just sum up the action or you we're trying to add a little bit of comedy there but it works both ways. I saw it as more of a comedic statement, and for some reason it distracted me away from what's happening and made me reevaluate the situation and look at it from a new angle in a very good way. Nicely done


I guess I tired to add a bit of a comical undertone there, I honestly don't remember. Well, I'm glad you managed to enjoy it more that way.



I don't know if I would use crudely there. I think roughly, quickly, or absentmindedly would work a bit better


I agree, roughly would work better there.



lol I wondered if they were going to come up with that

Yeah, not all of them are thinking clearly much as of late, if you catch my drift.



Wow that was good. You should go back and read your first chapter than read this one. The differences from chapter to chapter in regards to how well your ability and vocabulary improves is really impressive. Every chapter is better than the last, which is something that's flung around, but you really are getting better as the story progresses. Screeching as his brain solidified...wow, such vivid explanation. Loved the intensity


Yeah, I do go through my first chapters every so often, and I agree: I have come a long way.
And I just realized that I totally screwed up the tenses on that sentence. I'll fix that right away.



hmm, I'm not sure about comparing the Scyther's movement with that of another Pokemon. When I read that passage I saw a Sharpedo attacking Aleck instead of the Scyther, which obviously isn't what happened. But when you mix names like that it can sometimes have the tendency to overtake a reader's thoughts and push them in a direction you don't want them to go in.


Hmm, I see where you're coming from. I'll see if I can word that better.



that's another oppurtunity where you could replace the period with a comma and achieve the same effect


Alright, and again, I agree. Ugh, commas and periods, my beta reader can tell you how much fun we had with those while editing this.



This right here is an example where that comparison works really well. Great job!

I quite liked it myself. I'm glad someone else did as well.



Wow, Richelieu is really cranking it up. *Shiver*


Heh, we won't be seeing too much of him for a while, well, directly at least. He'll still influence from the plot behind the scenes like the snivling politician he is.



All in all, a lovely chapter, which is something I've come to expect from you for since I began reading a few months ago. I feel like Salient is biting off a little bit more than they can handle, but Leo is surprising me with his resolve and it makes me think they may not be doomed to absolute failure after all. Keep me updated on your progress because I'm really excited to read the next chapter. Good luck buddy

Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that means to me.
Heh, Team Salient is in deep, and is only going deeper. Into what, you'll have to wait and see.
Again, thanks. I can't wait to see the next chapter of Requiem as well.

I'd like to thank all my readers for enjoying this, and if you have any suggestions or advice, I'd love to hear them.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

jireh the provider
30th November 2012, 11:26 AM
Anyways... to the review game.

Catchiest moment:

Remember that moment in explorers when Grovyle just smashed a Luminous orb to the ground in the dark future? I like the way you implied PMD physics to your story. I mean, multiple Luminous orbs smahed together would be like 10 Flash Grenades exploding all at once. And the other moment would be Leo getting snagged in the forest while Kelly (I believe she is Jolteon) and Jay (the riolu kid) help him escape. Reminds me of Left for Dead 2's Smoker snagging Ellis (along with his friends inside the elevator) while Nick and Coach set him free by cutting the tongue with the chainsaw. And The badges huh? Traking Devices? Hmmmm ... GPS is possible? Jay is right. Break them now!

Characters:

Now the scenario with Scyther and Sableye are sorta catchy. Talking business as usual, only to know that the "last customers" turned out to be that one factor that can ruin the business. I mean, it is surprising that scyther just may be par of the government officers. Sorta. Poor Magnemite, he got demoted, *****! And Gear, the Metagross, is retired I guess for nearly killing innocent victims to whom he thought guilty verdicts. The argument with Jay and Leo is an interesting one too. Sometimes, secrets are the things that can create boundaries to your friends.

Plot References:

The way you showed the involvement of governance and war is nicely implemented. I mean, wanna know from you what make war stories fun? Was it merely because of the fun reading about bloody death in the war? Or is it the conflicting truths and ideologies of different nations? Most of the games I see say that war games are enjoyable Go kill everyone that's in your way. And now, you remind me of the Rescue Saga. Fugitives huh? Oh no here we go again! Were gonna be hunted down until our corpses are seen hanged on the gates of that kingdom dead.

Final parts of the chapter:

it seems there are citizens who don't trust the government for sure. So I somewhow remember some American history and a lot of Philippine history when it comes to government conflicts.

Knightfall
30th November 2012, 9:12 PM
Ah, nice to see you here. I'll be sure to work on a review of your PMD story as well.



Catchiest moment:

Remember that moment in explorers when Grovyle just smashed a Luminous orb to the ground in the dark future? I like the way you implied PMD physics to your story. I mean, multiple Luminous orbs smahed together would be like 10 Flash Grenades exploding all at once. And the other moment would be Leo getting snagged in the forest while Kelly (I believe she is Jolteon) and Jay (the riolu kid) help him escape. Reminds me of Left for Dead 2's Smoker snagging Ellis (along with his friends inside the elevator) while Nick and Coach set him free by cutting the tongue with the chainsaw. And The badges huh? Traking Devices? Hmmmm ... GPS is possible? Jay is right. Break them now!

Yeah, that scene in the games helped me to write the scene with the exploding Orbs and yeah, I'd expect it'd be very bright. But other Orbs were present as well. Trawl, Rainy, Sunny, and Switcher Orbs all make an appearance.
And I agree, the scene with Leo is much like that scene in Left 4 Dead 2.
You are correct, Kelly is the Jolteon and Jay is the Riolu.
Yep, the badges can be tracked. Not GPS, but more of a combination of psychic signals and radio waves that can be tracked by either Magnemite and certain Psychic Pokemon.



Characters:

Now the scenario with Scyther and Sableye are sorta catchy. Talking business as usual, only to know that the "last customers" turned out to be that one factor that can ruin the business. I mean, it is surprising that scyther just may be par of the government officers. Sorta. Poor Magnemite, he got demoted, *****! And Gear, the Metagross, is retired I guess for nearly killing innocent victims to whom he thought guilty verdicts. The argument with Jay and Leo is an interesting one too. Sometimes, secrets are the things that can create boundaries to your friends.


Glad you enjoyed that scene. And yeah, it's ironic how his last customer really was his "last customer".
The Scyther is working for the Colonies, that much was released in the chapter. What is role is though remains to be seen.
Magnemite don't deserve any pity. Gear realized that the kill list was wrong and refused to obey it. And thus he was killed.

Exactly, and there will only be more of it to come.



Plot References:

The way you showed the involvement of governance and war is nicely implemented. I mean, wanna know from you what make war stories fun? Was it merely because of the fun reading about bloody death in the war? Or is it the conflicting truths and ideologies of different nations? Most of the games I see say that war games are enjoyable Go kill everyone that's in your way. And now, you remind me of the Rescue Saga. Fugitives huh? Oh no here we go again! Were gonna be hunted down until our corpses are seen hanged on the gates of that kingdom dead.


Thank you, I've always enjoyed the idea of complex government conspiracies and the likes of such.
What makes war stories fun? Well, I don't particularly enjoy writing bloody scenes (okay, maybe on occasion). I enjoy the war genre because I can explore the conflicting "truths and ideologies" of each side in depth and to my liking. The Kingdom and the Colonies are only a fraction of this conflict.



Final parts of the chapter:

it seems there are citizens who don't trust the government for sure. So I somewhow remember some American history and a lot of Philippine history when it comes to government conflicts.

Well, some citizens don't trust the government. And the government of the Kingdom has overstepped its bounds in some places.
I guess that is a good real life example, if you prefer to compare it to that.

Thank you for leaving a review! I'll be sure to get onto Nomad Seekers as soon as I can.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Koridojo_Blaziken
2nd December 2012, 3:00 AM
Apologies for a comparatively shorter review. Hopefully holiday break will provide my brain enough rest to be more expansive with coming up with constructive bits to toss up.

So, our Team Salient is officially on the lam. Interesting concept with the badges there, being a means of tracking and even sharing some minor connection with their bearer as demonstrated by Leo. I really have to wonder, though, how long their tempers would last without the help of Creepy Headvoice scaring them into submission...

Also, poor Aleck. Not only was he duped into being an accomplice to something far worse than he would've likely gone into in the know, but it just doesn't end at the guilt. (I cringed so badly when his eye shattered. Wonder if Sableye experience traumatically-induced blindness the same way other 'mons do?) Aleck has oddly enough become perhaps my top favorite side character to this series, and I can't help being nervous about what else the guy's going to be put through before this is over. I mean, sure, questionably motivated merchant, he probably had it coming to him one way or another, but...

Another good read, as always. Though it seems I've arrived a bit late to go over grammar and spelling stuff--other folks already got dat handled.

Knightfall
2nd December 2012, 8:13 PM
Apologies for a comparatively shorter review. Hopefully holiday break will provide my brain enough rest to be more expansive with coming up with constructive bits to toss up.


No problem. I welcome all reviews, no matter how short.



So, our Team Salient is officially on the lam. Interesting concept with the badges there, being a means of tracking and even sharing some minor connection with their bearer as demonstrated by Leo. I really have to wonder, though, how long their tempers would last without the help of Creepy Headvoice scaring them into submission...

Yep, they're wanted Pokemon now. And since the badges can teleport a rescue team out of a dungeon, it's not too far of a stretch to have them able to be tracked.
Heh, their tempers will eventually get the better of them.



Also, poor Aleck. Not only was he duped into being an accomplice to something far worse than he would've likely gone into in the know, but it just doesn't end at the guilt. (I cringed so badly when his eye shattered. Wonder if Sableye experience traumatically-induced blindness the same way other 'mons do?) Aleck has oddly enough become perhaps my top favorite side character to this series, and I can't help being nervous about what else the guy's going to be put through before this is over. I mean, sure, questionably motivated merchant, he probably had it coming to him one way or another, but...

I'm surprised at how much people seem to enjoy Aleck. I originally didn't have any plans to use him. But yeah, I'm glad you feel bad for him, even though his own greed got him into this mess. I'm planning to see if there's anyway I can use him later on.




Another good read, as always. Though it seems I've arrived a bit late to go over grammar and spelling stuff--other folks already got dat handled.

Thank you, I always enjoy it when readers review.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Meeker
7th December 2012, 11:33 PM
This is really good, keep up the good work.

I like your creativity in really adding a strong background for the Pokemon world. I'd never of thought of a kingdom, or a rebellion, or such a place they live in. Aside from some typos, this is a great story. I'll leave a mental note to read more later.

Your characters have sense of being, their personalities are vivid and believable. It gives me the feeling that they're based upon real people. You're also amazingly good with the details, details are all you have to help readers envision the invisible painting you give them. I seriously like your attention to those things.

I expect good works from you in the future.

Knightfall
8th December 2012, 1:01 AM
This is really good, keep up the good work.

Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it.



I like your creativity in really adding a strong background for the Pokemon world. I'd never of thought of a kingdom, or a rebellion, or such a place they live in. Aside from some typos, this is a great story. I'll leave a mental note to read more later.


Heh, thank you, again. I put a lot of effort into the world my story takes place in. I think I even drew a map at one point.



Your characters have sense of being, their personalities are vivid and believable. It gives me the feeling that they're based upon real people. You're also amazingly good with the details, details are all you have to help readers envision the invisible painting you give them. I seriously like your attention to those things.

I expect good works from you in the future.


As with my background, I put considerable thought into my characters. Even my most minor characters play a part, such as Aleck.
The sole reason my chapters take so long are because I add the description to it.

Anyways, thank you for reviewing and I will do my best to continue to produce quality chapters.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Meeker
11th December 2012, 12:41 AM
Damn, this story just keeps getting better. You really know what you're doing here.


The remaining units took advantage of the opportunity and fired several bolts directly at the Golduck.

I must ask, is this a reference to how the L.A.P.D. beat Rodney King, despite the fact that he surrendered back in '92?

Knightfall
11th December 2012, 2:58 AM
Damn, this story just keeps getting better. You really know what you're doing here.


Why thank you. You know? Sometimes I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but it works out in the end. At least, it usually does.



I must ask, is this a reference to how the L.A.P.D. beat Rodney King, despite the fact that he surrendered back in '92?

Even though I have studied that case, I did not have that in mind when writing it. Though looking back, it's odd how many similarities that scene has with that particular incident.

Well, as an update on Chapter Nine, it is moving along nicely. With the critique of several of my friends on here, I was able to finish a good portion of it recently. School is still as much of a hindrance to writing as ever, but it's still getting done. I plan on having it done very soon.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Meeker
12th December 2012, 4:24 AM
”Why hello, Jay. It’s been a while. Since our last ‘discussion’, has it not?”

Was Kevin Bacon turned into a Pokemon like Leo was, this guy's in everything!

Really good man, keep it up!

Sid87
15th December 2012, 12:52 AM
Kelly’s panicked voice rang throughout the base, shattering the relative midnight silence.
Leo stirred from his sleep only slightly, his recovering mind not comprehending her panicked call.
In my pride, I tempted him. I told him to do his worst. He did so, if only to show me the errors of my ways.

You fell back into unseparated paragraphs somehow!


Leo tumbled out of the hammock, somehow managing to land upright.

Missed an "and" there.


He just grasped the top of the bag with his claws when he heard the unmistakable sound of buzzing directly behind him.

That might be better as "He HAD just grasped..." because otherwise it sounds like grabbing the bag is no big deal. "He just grabbed the bag". "He was just playing around". Like that. I had the wrong innotation of "just".


“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, a chorus of “Rodger!” affirming the order told Leo that there was definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.

Couple things here. Let me just retype and bold it.

“Don’t move, Charmeleon! ZT!” the lead unit ordered, and a chorus of “Rodger!” affirmed the order. Leo immediately knew that there were definitely more Magnemites than he could handle. Still facing the shelf, Leo froze, his claw still gripped around the opening of the sack.


“Claws where I can see ’em! ZT! Move it!” the head Magnemite commanded, again accompanied by several static-ridden cries of “Rodger!” Leo’s pulse quickened as he slowly raised his empty arm.

I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?


He spun around on a dime and chucked the entire bag of primed Orbs at the nearest Magnemite.

The "on a dime" is a bit too colloquial for narration, I think.


His mind was spinning as if someone had stuck it on a pottery wheel,

I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.


Explosions of blinding light still occurred within the remaining chambers of the base.

"Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". :) Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?


The small room he used to be in now had a nicely sized opening to the outside from which smoke bellowed out.

"be in" is a bit weird. Maybe "the small room that was once his now had...". Also, I think you mean "billowed". But imagining smoke "bellowing" is fun. :)


followed closely by an array of items ranging from Leo’s own bag, to the apples from the kitchen.

No need for a comma after "bag".


The roof over the hall was nearing a state of final collapse. The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before being stopped by dragging their broken sides against the walls.

The wooden beams that held it up had split and fallen halfway to the floor before stopping, their broken sides braced against the walls.


He could hear the Magnemite clearly now, and he knew he would have very little time, if any, once he freed himself on the other side of the hall.

Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?


In his flight, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and he went tumbling to the ground. Dizzily somersaulting down the grassy slope.

Something is off there because the second sentence is not a whole thought.


His key, colder than steel, sandwiched between his chest while the ground bit uncomfortably against his body.

I assume the key isn't IN him, so it's not between his chest. "his chest and the ground that bit uncomfortably..."?


Jay gingerly brushed off a few leaves that were stuck to the wound by either dried blood or the electrical current.

I quite like that image.


“We can’t stay here, our ‘friends’ are going to find us…” Jay shut his eyes and concentrated for a brief moment. Trying to think of a solution to their predicament.

A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".


“Please tell me you can still chew,” Jay asked cautiously, hoping the answer was positive. The Riolu breathed an audible sigh of relief when Leo nodded. He dropped the Cheri Berry into Leo’s mouth and watched as the Charmeleon munch on the small berry.

Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.


Leo didn’t waste any time grieving, he sprinted past the smoking remains like a rocket. The smoldering metal crunched under his tread, as the core of wires shattered. He could hear the cries and sirens of the perusing officers close behind him, he clutched his badge tighter in his claws and focused on not tripping on the endless tree roots.

A few punctuation bits there. There should be conjunctions after "grieving" and later on, "behind him". Or those commas should be semi-colons. And you don't need the comma (or anything) after "under his tread".


No! I am not getting left behind again! Leo thought as he tried his best to keep the Riolu within sight. Unfortunately, the trees had a different plan. As he sprinted down the trail, Leo did not notice that the branches above him began to move on their own accord. He did not notice when the trunks began to widen and compress in ways that defied the laws of nature as they blocked the path behind him. Nor did he notice when vines suddenly started constricting their way around the trees and snaking into the shrinking trail.

Only when the roots began to uplift and rearrange themselves did he finally take stock of the changes. The dungeon was trying to engulf him. He pushed past the stitch building up in his side and sprinted as fast as his legs would allow. His breath grew thin and labored as his lungs burned

I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.


He landed on the ground awkwardly, hopping a few times trying to regain his balance as the dungeon shuddered; the trees seemed to tremble as if they were receiving punishment for their failure to detain him. Leo shook his head and continued his run, as the path closed in around him.

Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.


“You know? That sounds pretty good. We’ll figure out what to do in the morning,” Kelly agreed, cutting off Leo’s upcoming argument.

Well that confrontation was interesting.

Okay, I'm going to have to take a break. I think I'm almost to the end (end-ISH), so I will hopefully have this wrapped up tonight. :)




Aleck scrambled backwards from his employer, his claws scratching on the stone ground.
“I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to. And besides, what went so horribly wrong?” he asked, still trying to secure his reward of Royal Poke.

This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?


“I’m afraid they do involve you; if my observations are correct they were some of your last remaining customers, I believe,” he revealed, causing Aleck to go think for a moment.

"go think"? ;)


“Filthy Kingdom merchants,” he hissed as his wings began to buzz rapidly. He rotated each of his legs once, and, in a blur of green and steel-grey, he was gone into the woods surrounding the town, an untouchable phantom in the moonlit forest.

There's just so much going on in this tale. :)


Richelieu brought his beak closer to the unit’s center eye.
“You wouldn’t happen to be lying through your speakers now would you? Because I hate—no, I loathe, liars, especially when they lie to my face.”

I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.


“ZT! Gear would never do this!”

“Gear is gone now, for good,” the metal bird chuckled.

I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.


All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.

I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.

The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.

Knightfall
15th December 2012, 2:36 PM
Reply time!



I don't quite get why the Magnemite drones are replying "Roger". That basically means "Yes, sir". But the lead Magnemite is yelling orders to Leo... so why do they sound like they are complying?


I'm not sure why I had them do that. It's fixed now.


*
I don't like that. As a simile, it is too flowery for narration. You could go full metaphor and say "His mind was a spinning pottery mold..." and it could work. But as a simile, it reads like a narrative reach.

Alright, fixed.


*

"Occurred" is a weak verb for "explosions". :) Maybe "burst out" or "resonated"?

I thought I fixed that earlier, oh well. Fixed.


*
Himself? Is that supposed to be "his friends"?


No, he was talking about freeing himself on the other side of the collapsed hallway where the Magnemite were.


*
A little narration jar there. It may be obvious that Jay is thinking of a solution, but the narrator--attached to Leo--can't KNOW that. So maybe just throw in an "Appearing to concentrate and think of a solution...".


You should have saw the major narration error I had before Shadow pointed it out. It was like the whole scene suddenly switched to Jay's perspective.



Should be "munched" there. And does Leo know what a Cheri Berry is at this point? Otherwise the narration just threw out a name it shouldn't really know yet given, once again, its current attachment to Leo.


True, I forgot he only knew Pecha and Oran Berries. Fixed.



I really dug this whole scene, too. More good description and visualization.

Really the WHOLE scene here with the trees was lively, well-described, and fun to read. The chapter to this point had been a bit jerky and uneven (which is just growing pains, and my own expectations of you given your earlier chapters which had been so good), but you really picked back up here with great personification of the trees and flavorful description all around.

Why thanks! I felt like the entire section in the forest was written better than the rest of the chapter. This chapter suffered from me also beign distracted by school, so that's why it seemed a little ... off at times.
Though I'm glad you liked the trees. I loved writing that scene as well.



This sounds a little too conversational for me with the "and besides" bit. I would imagine Aleck is too stressed/flustered/scared for such a passing way of speaking. "I did my part of the job exactly as you told me to! What could have gone so horribly wrong?" maybe?

It does sound better. Fixed.



"go think"? ;)

Whoops. That was left over from an earlier version. Fixed.



There's just so much going on in this tale. :)


Indeed.



I continue to like the details of things, once we got past how certain pokemon can hold or grab, like the Magnemite having speaker systems and being all machinery.

Yeah, I try to think of these things whenever I'm writing a certain Pokemon. It makes sense they have speakers since they have no visible mouth.



I still like Axis; I want more of him and his struggle with authority vs. what he knows is right.

He's only been in what? Two scenes? I honestly didn't plan on having him staying around as the story moved forward, BUT I think I can make something with him work...
I can promise that you'll see more of him.



All right, altogether, not bad at all. As I mentioned earlier, some of the stuff at the the beginning was a bit jerky to me, but by the time you got to the "dungeon" (having not played any of the PMD games, I can tell you this stuff is all brand new to me), it picked up, in style, writing, and description.

Yeah, I think it could have flowed better as well. Heh, I'm glad I've been doing a good job introducing you to the PMD universe. I'll say it again: they're worth playing through.



I think Axis is an incredibly interesting character, and I do want to see more of him. Such an internal struggle we've seen from him in extremely limited scenes.

Like I said before. I had never planed on having him stay around, but I'll make something work. I'm starting to grow attached to his character as well, and you know what happens then, they stay around and eventually become important to the plot. CoughAleckcough.



The stuff with the "voice" inside both Leo and Jay makes me mad, but in the good way, where it frustrates me to see it happening to the protagonists, and I want them to get to the bottom of it and put an end to it.

Heh, unfortunately, that won't get "resolved" for a while. Though in the next chapter, you'll get to see how this voice treats someone who isn't Leo or Jay.

And in speaking of the next chapter....

Knightfall
15th December 2012, 2:46 PM
Chapter Nine: Perspective

Executive Order 47: “In the event any officer of the law becomes malcompliant with established royal doctrines, it is imperative that they be disposed of with extreme prejudice. They are to be imprisoned without the possibility of fair trial. Lethal force is granted for severe cases of insubordination. Regional governors have the responsibility of filling in the position within forty-eight hours from initial disposal.”

Opening paragraph of Royal Decree: 47


Sunlight softly streamed through the large glass window of the study, lighting up the room with the new morning light. The room was paneled with a rich, dark wood and lined with several handsomely built bookcases. There was a desk in the center of the room made out of the same dark wood on which were stacked several important-looking documents.

A single Pokemon paced slowly behind the desk. Its paws made little noise on the polished marble flooring. He clutched a letter in his paw, careful not to accidently impale it on his paw's boney spike.

His red eyes read down the page, shifting as the Pokemon poured over each word several times before moving to the next one. As soon as he was finished reading it, he immediately read it again, hoping that what he read was a mistake.

Your Majesty, be it far from me as a loyal subject of the crown to impose foreboding news upon you, but I am afraid I must. Unfortunately, costs of production of many of the items you import from our facilities have risen, and such the cost of exporting these products to your nation must rise to meet these cost demands.

I realize how crucial it is for your campaign against the Colonies that supplies reach your army in a timely fashion and how strained your treasury is for gold. Therefore, I will offer you a deal:
grant Trinity Isle exclusive trade with your ports and allow us to collect tolls on our competitor’s ships and we will be able to keep prices from rising on our products.

I severely hope that you see the benefit from accepting these terms. The Kingdom can only prosper from them and we will be able to meet our financial obligations. Otherwise, I will have no other choice but to terminate our existing trade agreement. I do not wish for that to happen, nor do I wish the Colonies to overpower your nation.

Please respond in a timely manner; I have a schedule to keep.

Head Administrator, Constantine Sceptile of T.I.R.A..

A low growl of frustration came from the Pokemon. His black-furred paw placed the letter down on the desk. He slowly lifted his head, revealing two blue pointed ears and a blue and black furred snout.

“Curse the Legends …” the Lucario sighed as he rubbed his paws against the sides of his head. They’ve got us. The treasury can’t take another price increase …

As the monarch contemplated his extremely limited options, a soft knocking on the doors of the room interrupted him. Pushing aside the troubling news, he regained his regal composure.

“Enter.”

The two wooden doors parted to reveal a small red and white bird carrying several pieces of freshly printed parchment. The Delibird bowed politely, his beak almost touching the marble floor.

“Your Majesty, Lord Darney wishes to speak with you concerning the Inner Council. He is waiting in the reception hall,” he reported quickly. The king’s face darkened slightly at the mention of the name.

“Send him up; I will speak with him,” he said, unable to conceal his disapproving undertone.

“Will you be needing anything else, my lord?” the festively decorated bird asked.

A drink from Spinda’s would be nice. Something very strong … “No thank you, Wevan. That will be all,” he answered with a dismissing wave of his paw.

Wevan simply nodded. “Very well. I will fetch him right away, sir.” With that, he waddled out the door, making sure to close it gently behind him.

The Lucario closed his eyes and tried to focus his mind. He would need every ounce of mental strength not to snap and rip the Lord’s spiny head off his shoulders. The relationship between him and the Lord of the Council had been strained ever since they had come at odds with each other with how to best rule the Kingdom.

He had just finished taking another deep breath when he felt a strong aura of pure contempt waiting outside the door.

“Come in, Darney.” The door slowly opened to reveal a Pokemon slightly shorter than the king. His grass green carapace glinted in the morning sun’s rays as he walked into the study of the palace. The Pokemon, Darney, bowed in respect, his scythe-like appendages extended behind him as he continued the sign of respect.

Once he rose again, the Scyther coughed as he prepared to speak. “Nickolas,” he acknowledged, “I know you dislike being visited by me, so I’ll keep this meeting brief.”

The sovereign was not moved. “Why are you here?” Nickolas asked curtly, looking down at the oversized mantis.

Darney continued, ignoring the king’s question. “As you know, the war effort has gone stagnate. The Colonial lines cannot be broken and our army is just barely holding them back.”

“I know this. I do not need to hear it again from—” the king began, but was cut off almost immediately by the Scyther.

“Meanwhile, the Kingdom is crumbling around us; a dying patient in a hospital. We cannot hope to save it without greater cooperation within the government,” he said, slowly rubbing his right scythe on his left. Nickolas narrowed his eyes Just where is he going with this? he wondered.

“Ever since the creation of the Council after the chaos of the Time Gear business and your tragic … loss, we have had varying degrees of disagreement on how the government should be run. What actions need to be taken to preserve this fine nation,” Darney said, beginning to slowly circle Nickolas like a vulture closing in on a carcass.

“Nearly every suggestion we’ve put forth has been more or less rejected by you, getting us nowhere, while our enemies continue to wear us down. If it wasn’t for your family, the war would have been over a year ago! Now, we nearly bankrupt and close to the tipping point into anarchy!” He stopped circling directly in front of Nickolas, his eyes burning with anger.

“That is why the Council has decided to temporarily decrease your influence in the government until the current crisis has passed. Effective immediately.”

The noble backed away from the king, expecting a response. To the Scyther’s surprise, the Lucario just stood where he was, mouth slightly agape in apparent disbelief.

Darney cracked a slight smile. “You need some time alone with your thoughts, I see. Good day … your Highness,” he said with a mock bow. He then swiftly turned and walked out of the room through the doorway.

“W-what?” Nickolas stuttered as he tried to process what had just happened. He couldn’t believe that the absolute power built up by his family over the course of three centuries was decimated within ninety seconds.

Everything his ancestors, his grandfather, his father, and he had worked for gone in a flash. Governance over his land had vanished just as the light of the sun passed behind a thick cloud. They took it away! My crown! My Kingdom!

The disbelief gave way to absolute rage in one violent scream as Nickolas curled his right paw into a fist and slammed it into the nearest bookshelf. The shelf built from wood of the forests of the Far Reach splintered under the heavy blow. Books on the shelf flew to the ground in a flutter as pages of knowledge were torn by the sovereign’s wrath.

“No! No!! NO!!” he screamed as he repeatedly slammed his fist into the fractured remains of the wooden furniture. Suddenly, as the sun again broke through the clouds, his anger dissipated.

Nickolas fell to his knees and let his head drop down towards the hard, marble floor. His entire body shuddered as he attempted to gulp down as much air as he could. He couldn’t take it; not anymore. His citizens were being crushed by injustice, his armies were being crushed by their enemies, his government was being crushed by his own advisors, and right now, Nickolas was being crushed with repressed emotion.

One low sob escaped his throat and it was instantly followed by another, and yet another. Small rivulets of tears made their way down his face from the corners of his closed eyes.
Memories of the happier times before the war, before the Crisis of Time, before the Falling Star, all flashed in front of his eyes.

His father, still in the prime of his health laughed as he waved to the crowds of adoring Pokemon. Celebrating the thirtieth year of his reign.

His mother scolding him as he ran without care through the gold lined halls of the palace. His wife, the love of his life, celebrating their son’s first year of life. The celebration that lasted three days in the streets of Silver.

Then, the memories changed for the worse as his sobs increased. His father, coughing violently as the assassin’s poison ate through his veins. His father, lying on the cold marble floor as his advisors raced for help. His father, whispering his final blessing and bestowing his son the crown with his last labored breath.

His mother, consumed by sorrow, ended her life with an emulation of the poison that had taken her soul mate only a week prior.

Himself, ten years ago when his world collapsed once more. When those ungrateful Colonists took his love away from him forever, stealing away her life.

And most recently, himself once again, refusing to look as he signed the order. The order that made him run away from everything he once knew. That made him a fugitive.

The memories did not subside until he felt the forceful shake of two small wings and the concerned voice of Wevan that broke him from the horrible slideshow.

“Sir? Sir?! Are you okay, sir?! Oh, do please get up, sir! Oh, Articuno, what should I do?!” the Delibird cried as Nickolas attempted to breathe once again. His body slowly recovered with the influx of air and he sat upright.

“I-I’m f-fine. Thanks, Wevan,” the Lucario said in between his panting breaths.

Wevan carefully removed his wings from his king’s back. “Thank the Legends, you’re alright …” the butler sighed in relief that his lord had not yet kicked the proverbial bucket.

“Umm, I’ll go make some Oran tea for you sir. I know you like that. I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” he stated quickly, before hurriedly running out of the study down to the kitchens.

“Yes, thank you,” Nickolas mumbled as he closed his eyes again allowing his thoughts to wander for one brief moment. Oh, Alexandria … What do I do now?”


I am dead. Dead to the gods. Dead to those who once knew me. Dead to the false knowledge. Dead to the world above.
“Dive right! There are patrols on the left up ahead! Keep running!”

“No! It’s over! It’s all over! There’s nothing left! They’ve all left me!”
I’ve become little more than a shadow of my former self.

Yet I live. Deep within the darkest recesses of the truth, away from the lies above. I don’t know exactly how I became how I am. Yet somehow I did.
“Get a hold of yourself! You must focus! It’s not over! There! A ladder! Climb!”

My mind slips into the insanity that plagues me. Reminding me of my failures.
“No! No! No! There’s nothing! I’m nothing! You’re just a figment of my imagination! Leave me alone!” Screaming delusions of my tortured mind.

I once obeyed this hypothetical truth. A promise made up by those who wish to repress true knowledge all for the sake of greed and corruption. They controlled me and those who once knew me. And we did not question them.
Days and months passed by, yet I did not waver from the viewpoint they forced upon us.
“Listen to me! Please! You’re hallucinating again. Just take a deep breath and try to block out the visions! You have to focus.”

I beg you, do not judge me. I was lost in the night of ignorance, without a lantern or torch to guide me.
“I’m not crazy! I’m not crazy! I’mnotcrazy! I’mnotcrazyI’mnotcrazy!”
I’m afraid I am.

I do not know when, but I woke up. Woke up from the moral sleep our overseers had subjected us to. Woken up from a dream only to face the living nightmare that had ensnared itself into our lives so deeply that there was no escape from it.
“Snap out of it! Whether you like it or not, you are insane, at least until we get out of here.”

I dug deeper into the heart of the false truth, while putting on the façade of continued compliance to their immoral orders. Their countless violations of justice; they did not go unnoticed by my furtive eyes. Until I found it. The source of the lies.
“It saw me! The crystal eyes! They’re always watching! Stop watching me!
In my previous position, I would have been most intrigued about the illusions and acute paranoia of a Pokemon’s mind. Now, I have become my own test subject.

Their greatest triumph.
A heart and mind made of the pure concentrations of their unceasing disregard for justice, truth, and ideology. Contempt for their own founding creed. They created a mind of science.
“You have to focus! Get a hold of yourself! We’re going to be captured if you don’t move!

He aided them. He used the overseers to unseat the kings of the past and future. In order to preserve the world. To safeguard it for eternity. What a joke. He was the cartographer of the map to upset the reign of justice.
“Y-you’re right. I- we must keep—There! I saw them! Get away! Get away!”
It’s truly disgusting seeing how far I’ve fallen.

I could not remain where I was. I fled. I evaded the false knowledge. Taking refuge in the last remaining strongholds of truth that remained in this hell.
“Don’t believe what you see! Listen to me! None of that is real! Just listen to me!”

The variables had not yet been in place. Gone. Unfinished. Destroyed. Hidden from the light of the righteous. Trapped under the lies of our generation.
“How can I trust you! You’re one of them! You always were! Get away!”
If I can’t trust my own conscious, how can I trust someone else’s?

Heaven shone a light down upon me. It cast me into favor. How could something has pure and innocent as ideology exist in this wasteland of hatred and progress?
“We’ve been over this before! I am not one of them! You made sure of that.”

I dared not question. Not again. Together, we worked. Justice and ideals. To overthrow the false truth and free others from its tyrannical grip.
“That’s just what they would say! Get away from me! I hate you! I hate all you! You-- You’re trying to kill me!” Trusting a conscious that’s not even my own.

We failed. Together we fled as far as we could, yet the mind of science aided by the spawns of coding barricaded us. Trapped us on the bridge connecting the span of dimensions.
“Just listen to yourself right now! You’re confused. What would she think right now?

The cold winds of prejudice battered us. Making our wills slip ever so slightly. In our hour of need, a spawn of coding saw through the wool of lies. The wired heart’s eyes were opened to see the evil that surrounded it.
“D-don’t you dare mention her! Not again! Not ever again!”
What have I become? All in my quest for the truth...

The heart of wire was not enough to keep the mind of science and the founder of lies attack with the cold winds of prejudice. We fell. Off the bridge spanning the two worlds: knowledge and freedom.
“No! I will mention her! What would she think of you right now?! Accusing me of treachery! What would she say to you?! Tell me!”

Our spirits fell. The abyss of ultimate ignorance awaited us. Its jaws open like a predator. An ocean of darkness accepted the fall of our light. Drowning it swiftly.
“ No! No! Stop it! I can hear her! I hear her! She’s saying I’m a bad Pokemon! No I’m not! You’re lying! You’re lying! Stop lying to me! Stop it!”
In the clear instances when my mind is fully mine, I stop to wonder about my predicament.

I swam, rescuing the heart of wire and the wounded soul of ideals from the ocean of darkness.
Prejudice had left its mark on the ideals and such a way that there was no recovery.
“She’s telling you to snap out of it. None of those visions are real. She’s telling you to listen to me. It’s not real.”

I wandered with the heart of wire and the dying ideals through the lost halls underneath the fortress of lies and inequity.
“N-no! No! They’re real! R-real! R-r-real? N-not real? Not real ... Y-you’re right. I can hear her …They’re … They’re going away. The visions …”
I used to be respected! I used to be free! I used to be sane!

It was there, among the halls, where ideals were truly lost. Truth was not enough to save it. The wired heart lead me onwards toward half-hearted salvation.
“Good. Just take some deep breaths. In. Out. That’s it. There’s some Luminous Orbs in the supply room ahead. Those will help you. Come on. We have to climb.”

I found salvation. Salvation in the forgotten knowledge that still existed unmolested under the crushing bastion of false truths.
“I-I’m sorry. For yelling at you. You’re the last friend I have in this hell. I shouldn’t have let those voices get the better of me. I-it’s me. I need the sun, it’s getting to my head.”
There’s nothing for me, but a hope that’s been shattered and taped back together more times than I can count.

He found me. The One who has strived to find the balance between truth and ideals. He comforted me in my darkest hour. When my mind could not react according to reason.
“It’s alright. I forgive you. You can’t help it … That’s why we have to climb. So you can get to the surface again. So we can escape.”

He promised that freedom would be at hand. Freedom from the clutches of those who restrain the truth. From those who wish to ensnare the world.
“I know we have to escape, but we can’t leave. Not yet. Otherwise there will be no one to guide the heroes when they get here. They won’t survive without us. They must have a guide. And I must find her.”
He visits me every so often. He speaks all proper, like it’s a business meeting. He says the same thing every time “patience”. If only to remind me:

I ascended into the passages of the false knowledge with the wired heart. To prepare for the coming of the heroes of injustice.
“You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”
That I will see the sun again. One day. My mind will become clear once again. The heroes will allow me to.
“You don’t understand… I have to stay. To guide them. To find her. Otherwise the world will burn.”

I will be free.


Aleck groaned. His body stirred on the floor of the damp dungeon. As his nose picked up the smell of decaying straw, he slowly opened his crystal eyes.

He instantly knew something was wrong as soon as he realized that one side of his vision was completely dark. He carefully raised a claw to the darkened eye and to his horror, felt the deep cracks in it. Then he remembered: the mysterious Scyther, the kill list, the money, everything from the night before.

Swallowing his panic, he looked around the room that confined him. It was small, the ceilings barely high enough to keep from smashing his head on it. The walls appeared to be built completely of stone. Though whatever kind it was, he instantly knew it would be too hard for him to dig his way out.

He turned his head to the only source of light, a flickering torch in the hallway. He was separated from the warmth of the fire by a gate of iron bars with a firm lock attached to it.
He gripped the bars with his claws and shook them as hard as he could, hoping to attract some attention.

“Hey! Let me out of here! Someone answer me!” he angrily yelled. Suddenly, heavy footsteps made him cease his calling.

A large Pokemon with a thick hide of purple complete with several pointed spikes stopped in front of his cell. He took his fist and slammed it against the bars.
Aleck leaped backwards in fright, while the Nidoking let out a gruff laugh.

“Better keep quiet, little Kingdom rat, otherwise you’ll lose another eye,” he chuckled as he continued his patrol down the hallway, leaving Aleck alone once more.

“Oh, Giratina, what have I done to deserve this?” Aleck croaked, holding his injured eye with his claws.

“You allowed your greed to get the better of your judgment. This is not the first time that has happened, from my observations.”

“Giratina?! Is that you?!” Aleck gasped, excitedly looking around the dungeon with his functioning eye.

“Not quite, regrettably. Though I am an emissary for those in high places. Regardless, knowledge of my identity is not required for my purpose here.”

“W-who are you?” Aleck said in a stuttering whisper as the dungeon seemed to grow colder. The slight warmth the torch provided dissipating gradually as the voice’s presence grew closer..

“You must not have heard me, merchant, when I said my identity is not necessary for this conversation."

“W-what do you want?! Show yourself, phantom!” Aleck demanded, trying to summon his courage as he faced the unseen threat.

“I’m afraid I work best from the shadows, Aleck, so I cannot hope to oblige to your demands. I can however, shed some light on the issue at hand. Such as, why you are in a nice, cozy prison cell and not --purely for example-- face down, throat slit in a ravine.

Aleck gulped in fright. “Please, don’t hurt me. I’m only ...” he pleaded, his voice breaking off mid-sentence. He huddled in a corner of the dungeon, whimpering slightly

“Only what, Aleck? A murderer? A backstabbing thief? A traitor? Neither Derek nor Team Salient got a chance to argue the fate you forced upon them; why should I hear your plea? The temperature in the cell continued to drop until Aleck could see his own terrified breath turn into mist.

“I was wrong! I was greedy! I nearly killed them, but it was that Scyther that—!”

“Enough! I care not for whom you place the blame for your own mistakes. Tell me, why I should give you the chance that Salient never had?”

“I am sorry! I wish I had thrown the money on the ground! I should have walked away from his deal! What more can I say to make you believe that?!” Aleck cried. A deep mist enveloped the prison cell, making the area around Aleck a wall of pure darkness.

“I cannot believe anything you say as your lies are hard to distinguish from the truth. I’m certain Derek would be disappointed to see the cesspool of greed and deceit your life has become. Was your ‘friendship’ with him, however brief, nothing? Just a way to advance yourself? A way to temporarily satiate your greed?

“D-don’t mention his name. Not even after all this time. Not after what happened to him.” He whimpered as memories from his distant past resurfaced in vivid detail.

“Why not? You used him. He was only a tool to pass the blame onto for your mistakes. He took the fall in your place. He got what you and you alone deserved.”

“He was my friend! I tried to save him, but I couldn’t!” Aleck roared, stamping his clawed foot on the stone floor.

“Yet you never felt even the slightest amount of grief or regret afterwards. You never felt--”

“You don’t know what I felt!” Aleck interrupted, “I lost a friend! You have no idea how much the guilt ate at me! You’re the one who doesn’t know anything! You’re nothing! You’re-- Gaaakkk!” he clutched at his throat as an unseen force crushed it. His vision began to darken as his body suffered from the withdrawal of precious oxygen.

“Do. Not. Insult. Me. Nod your head once if you understand. Otherwise you can permanently say goodbye to your motor functions.” Despite on the verge of passing out, Aleck managed to nod as per the voice’s instructions.

“Excellent.” As suddenly as it appeared, the crushing pressure on his windpipe immediately released. Aleck collapsed to the floor gasping for breath like a fish out of water.

The voice ignored the Sableye’s weak curses and continued from where he left off.
“So, if given the chance, you would make up for the deed? What would you be willing to do to repay a favor of a lost friend? To repay the debt owed for your life? Hmm?”

“Of course I would! I would do anything! He didn’t deserve what I made him go through … ” he said with a hoarse whisper.

“Would you help Salient? Would you help them in their hour of need if presented the opportunity?

“Yes! Anything!” Tears began to form in his functioning eye.

“Anything? Do you actually know what ‘anything’ entails?

“Yes! I do! Please, I swear I will do anything to ensure their safety! To make it up to them!” the merchant cried, praying to the Dragon of the Dimensions to save him.

“Even at the cost of your life?

Aleck’s heart was about to explode from sheer terror. “Yes! Yes! Anything!”

“You are a pathetic excuse of a Pokemon, do you know that? You traded not only
Salient’s, but also several other’s lives for what? A sack of metal.”

That was when he saw them; two golden eyes glaring at him with a mixture pure loathing and twisted bemusement.

“Prove to me you deserve a second chance, Aleck. Prove that your life was not squandered on self-gratification and worldly possessions. Can you do that?”

The Sableye fell prostrate on the stone floor as he yelled at the top of his lungs, “Yes! I will! I will! Just let me go!”

As if a fire was ignited, the dark mist vanished in a blink of an eye. It left no trace that it had invaded the small prison cell besides a very shook up Aleck who was still huddled in a corner.

“Well then, we will see just how … repentant you are of your actions, won’t we?”


“Alright, so as of now, we’re in the middle of a mystery dungeon. Right about here,” Jay stated, pressing his paw against a clump of green on his torn map that represented the mystery dungeon.

After the ordeal of the previous night, they had decided to sleep in shifts until dawn. A plan that would have worked if Leo hadn’t dozed off five minutes into his shift. Fortunately, no interlopers appeared during the night to mess things up even more than they already were.

The morning sun was still creeping its way above the eastern horizon, but its rays provided enough light to see. The dungeon forest surrounding the team was calm, as if they only moved during the night hours.

“We’re still too close to Loyalty to consider ourselves out of the woods yet,” Jay stated again, Leo groaning at his pun. They had all gotten up only a few minutes before and Leo had yet to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

His entire body felt as stiff as a board and sore. This was to be expected from sleeping on a patch of particularly uncomfortable dirt. He had woke up with a layer of dew on his scales and had trouble getting the irritating droplets off his skin. They acted like itching powder on him, causing him to fidget around in discomfort trying to get the stinging water off.

“We have few options once we get out of these woods. Depending on how fast word gets out that we’re wanted, we might have very little time. We can’t go east back to Loyalty, so that leaves us with the Ember Mountains to the south, and Silver City to the west,” Jay said, counting off the limited ways they could leave the forest.

“I vote we go north; my hometown is near the Borderlands,” Kelly suggested, her voice still sounding exhausted from the previous night’s ordeal. Her scream Leo had heard was due to a delayed Orb going off in the main room. Apparently sandstorms and electric types do not go well together. She had her paw placed near a jagged red line on the northern area of the map.

Jay shook his head in obvious disagreement. “That’s also where the war is. We might as well walk into a military base, because that’s what the Borderlands has become,” Jay responded.

“Where do you suggest we go then, Jay?” Kelly snapped, placing her paw down on the map over the jagged red line that indicated the Borderlands.

“Simple, we go to Silver. We can hopefully lie low for a bit and fade from their wanted list,” Jay said confidently, placing his paw down on the large dot near the coast that represented Silver City.

“You say we’re going into a military base with my plan, when you’re suggesting we go the capital! Do you know how many guards are there on a daily basis? Hundreds, at least! No, we’re not going there,” Kelly declared, shooting down Jay’s suggestion.

Jay crossed his arms in frustration. “Well, we’re not going to Solaceon Town, or whatever it’s called. That’s for sure.”

“It’s called Solace Town. And we’re going there and not Silver,” Kelly growled, the spiked fur on her back bristling with electricity.

“How about this town here? It’s far away from the border as well as Silver,” Leo recommended, tapping his claw against a small dot deep within the frontier lands of the Far Reach. Both Kelly and Jay stopped their bickering as they looked at him as if he had grown a third arm.

“A-are you joking?! If you’re not, then you’re insane!” Jay shouted, as Leo jerked his claw off the map.

“Leo, I’m sorry. Though I have to agree with Jay this time. We can’t go to … that town. No one goes there, not anymore,” Kelly said gravely.

“What’s so bad about it?” Leo asked, wondering just what sort of place he had suggested they go.

“Amnesia or not, you don’t forget the stories of Sawgrass Town. Nothing can erase those,” Jay said with a tone of finality. He quickly shifted the conversation.
“That aside, we still have the question of which way to go. I still vote we go west to the coast...”

“And I still say we go north. Leo, would you please back me here?” Kelly pleaded to the Charmeleon.

“Leo, you gotta agree with me here. Or at the very least suggest something helpful,” Jay asked, trying to restore some of the camaraderie they’d lost only a few hours ago.

Leo took a minute to study the weathered map lain across the ancient tree stump. Its rough depictions of mountains, rivers, cities, and territory boundaries all seemed to swirl into a mess of jagged black lines.

After observing the areas where each of his teammates wanted to go, the solution he saw was so simple he wondered how it hadn’t even dawned on Jay or Kelly.

“How about we head northwest? We’ll still be close to both areas and far from Loyalty. And when the time comes, we’ll decide which way looks better. We’re still in the middle of a forest that’s trying to kill us, so I’d like to leave it as soon as possible.”

Leo wasn’t sure how Jay and Kelly ended up accepting his suggestion of going northwest, but they had, and that was all that mattered. Against Jay’s wishes, they split the last of their food—a single bruised apple—in what tried to pass itself off as a breakfast.

Leo was sure that tempting his stomach with that morsel of food only made his hunger worse for the wear. Despite still being deprived of food and a decent night’s sleep, they had set off from the glade just after dawn.

Under the dense treetops, the warmth of the sun was prevented from reaching the actual forest floor. The dew of the night before had accumulated on the trail, mixing with the layers of dead leaves and other refuse on the ground until it obtained the consistency of sludge and made a disgusting sloping noise with every footstep.

If the mire that was the dungeon trail wasn’t bad enough, the temperature stubbornly refused to warm the forest below the treetops. This wouldn’t have affected Leo as much if it hadn’t chilled the mud, doubling the feeling of gloom that had settled over the group. Kelly had it worst of all, having to walk on all fours through the cold sludge.

And so it remained for the next hour or so: walking, shivering, and occasionally complaining about the mud. When they finally saw the end of the trail and the clear field beyond, they simultaneously started to race towards it.

Mud sprayed into the air as the team scrambled as fast as they could down the forest corridor. Despite tripping and sliding face first into the mud several times, Leo continued to run, ignoring the stinging sensation in his tail brought on by the mud.

Once they had passed through the freezing spatial boundary of the of the dungeon, the team found themselves standing in a giant field of low grass. The sun, despite partially shielded by passing clouds, had never felt so good. Leo rested on his back in the grass, holding his tail off the ground to prevent a fire, and allowed the sun to warm his entire body. Leo could see Jay and Kelly both copying him, as they warmed themselves and brushed the drying mud off their bodies.

Taking a deep breath, Leo sat up and surveyed the field. Fortunately, this field appeared to be nothing like the one he had first woke up in. Small birds chirped as they flew over the pasture, the wind blew normally, and, as far as he could tell, there were no Pokemon, either from the Kingdom or wild, trying the kill them.
Unfortunately, this calm was shattered as a cheerful voice greeted them from the sky.

“Hey! There you all are!” At once, they all looked up in bewilderment. A small moving spec in the sky suddenly started to circle downwards towards them. As it got closer to the ground, they could identify the bird’s brown feathers and red crest. Within a few seconds, the bird had landed in the middle of the team.

“Thank Zapdos, I was able to find you all! Lucky you all came out of the forest when you did,” the bird chirped excitedly as Jay took a closer look at the Pidgeotto.

“Wait a second … Icarus, is that you?” the Riolu asked, realization hitting him like a punch.

“In the flesh,” he responded, unfurling his right wing and directed the group to a scar along it where the bone was giving proof of his identity. “Healed quite nicely after our little mishap in Spore Meadows, don’t ya think?”

“What on earth are you doing here, Icarus? I thought you were busy with the military or otherwise engaged,” Kelly asked, trying to elicit some answers from their former client.

“You were supposed to pay us back for rescuing you,” Jay added, making Icarus cringe with the memory.

“Jay, shut up. Forget about that Icarus. Tell us, why were you looking for us?” Leo asked receiving a sharp glare from his team leader.

“R-right. Anyways, after I left you all, I waited a few days for the healers to fix up my wing. Today was my second day back to work, actually. Yesterday I delivered a message to the army camped in the Bronze Valley---” Icarus rambled.

“Today, Icarus. We kinda have to keep moving,” Jay snapped at the Bird Pokemon.

Icarus flapped his wings once. “Alright, alright. I’m going. Right. Today I had to deliver a message to Gear. Something about potential recruits, I think,” he said, as Kelly immediately pressed him with questions.

“Did you talk to him?! Why did he order us arrested?!” Icarus put up his wings, indicating to withhold her interrogation.

“Please, wait a minute. I’m getting to that. Well, when I arrived his office to deliver the message, I found a Skarmory instead of him. Apparently this guy is the governor of the province,” Icarus explained.

“Wait … we have a governor?” Jay asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“ I know; it surprised me too. Anyways, that’s not the worst part. I looked at the walls and I saw scorch marks. A lot of them. And I couldn’t get the governor--- Richellie, Richylou, Ricardo--- whatever his name was, I couldn’t get him to tell me what happened to Gear. It was the deputy, Axis, I think, that told me what happened,” Icarus further elaborated, pausing for breath.

“So, what happened?” Leo asked, even though he could already guess what happened to the kind Magnezone.

Icarus bowed his head, as if dreading the news he was about to reveal.
“He killed him. The governor killed him for not obeying orders. Apparently, there was a list of traitors, your team name was on it along with some others, and he refused to follow it. It was the governor who ordered the arrest, not Gear,” Icarus somberly informed the team.

“He’s gone. He’s really gone,” Jay whispered in disbelief. Leo couldn’t believe it either. Gear had been the first Pokemon he met that somewhat supported him. He had helped him when he was lost and confused. Gear…

“Well, I got outta there as fast as I could. I knew you lot weren’t evil Pokemon, much less traitors, so I went to find you. Your base was completely destroyed, burned to a crisp. But, I saw a squad of Magnemite still sweeping the area, so I knew you all had escaped,” the Pidgeotto explained.

“I spent the last few hours circling above the forest before I saw you all in the field,” he said before continuing.
“You know? You guys were really lucky you came out of the forest where you did. They’ve got patrols along the north and west of here.”

At this both Jay and Kelly’s faces fell. Richelieu had wasted no time in making up for his squad’s failure the previous night. Wanted posters were already beginning to dot bulletin boards across the Between countryside.

“Well, that throws a Blast Seed at our plans,” Jay grumbled, putting his paws behind his head in exasperation.

“No kidding …” Kelly sighed in reluctant agreement.

“Thanks, Icarus. You kept us from walking straight into two traps,” Leo said gratefully as he gave the bird a pat on the back.

“You’re welcome. Anyways, it sounds like you all have no place to go, right?” Icarus asked, quickly hopping away from the Charmeleon.

“That’s right,” Leo answered, “or unless they have any other ideas.” He jabbed a claw towards his teammates, who simply shook their heads.

“That’s great! Actually, that’s really horrible, but it’s still great!” Icarus exclaimed, flapping his wings several times in excitement.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Jay demanded, as Icarus slowly gathered himself.

“What I mean is that there’s a military encampment a few hours in this direction. The general there often turns a blind eye towards recruits if they have a record, so you all can go there,” Icarus explained, extending his wing down the dirt trail that cut across the field.

More than slightly suspicious, Jay wasn’t about to believe a Pokemon that had conned them into rescuing him for free.
“You’re serious, right? No tricks?”

“None at all. I still owe you guys a favor, don’t I?” Icarus stated. His expression screamed of a longing to be absolved of his debt to the team.

“Jay, I think we can trust him,” Leo said, turning towards Icarus before Jay could refuse.
“We’d be grateful for a place to stay and be safe.” Despite his beak limiting his expressions somewhat, the tell-tale signs of a smile made its way across the Pidgeotto’s feathered face.

“Excellent! I’ll fly ahead and let Torrent know you all are coming. Remember, it’s just straight ahead on this path. You should arrive there around sundown if you’re lucky,” Icarus reminded the group before flapping his wide wings several times and made his way into the air.

After watching his flying form grow smaller and smaller until it disappeared altogether, the team gathered up their meager belongings and started, once again, down the path through the field.

The lush field offered little cover from any direction save for the tall grasses still growing strong from the torrential summer rains that fed them. The almost noxious aroma of the thousands of grass buds and wild flowers clouded Leo’s head. His footsteps along the dry dirt made a hypnotic thudding noise that only made the trek feel longer.

The late summer heat took its toll on the team as they trudged through the field. Leo wished that a well of water would appear alongside the path, or anything that could potentially quench his thirst. He thought it was a cruel working of fate that he was stuck in this body. Wanting nothing more to take a plunge into a lake, but also loathing the thought of having water splash onto him.

His torpid trance was broken only occasionally when he, in his senseless state, stepped off a raised ledge and fell forward, usually giving the ground a nice impression of his face while doing so. Kelly and Jay seemed to have also been taken captive by the same mind-numbing trance as they continued plodding on, Kelly only weakly looking back at him and urging him to get up.

The cycle continued: walk, heat, thirst, smell, trip, repeat. It was if some sick deity had cut out the same mile of field and made them walk the same stretch again and again for his own personal amusement. Leo shivered, even as the sun scorched his back, thinking of all his experiences in this world so far.

While the Fields hadn’t actively tried to kill him, they had proved to be both emotionally as well as physically draining. It had truly acted like a dungeon. His luck had continued to go downhill from there when he was arrested and his subsequent first mission with them into Spore Fields.
He’d very nearly been blasted into nothing if the badges had not reactivated when they had.

It was then, in the infirmary … I first heard him, he realized as his feet momentarily stopped.
He told me then to wake up and see past the corruption. The corruption … was he talking about this ‘governor’ person? Killing Gear? What that what he meant? Leo mused as his thoughts evolved, rapidly putting together the limited pieces he had to this complex puzzle.

He told me that this would happen! He warned me about the Magnemite arresting that Golduck and the ambush by Nexus. He knew! The revelation hit him like a sack of particularly hard rocks. His feet continued to remain rooted to the spot as Kelly and Jay marched further ahead of him. His mind continued to race toward a conclusion that was nowhere in sight.

And in the forest! He... the fire and ice … the voice … his voice. He told me not to leave again. Did he know something else, too? That thing was planning something and Leo knew it.

Back at the base. That wasn’t me dodging or running. It was something else. It wasn’t me. It was him.

“I was wondering when you would figure that bit out. I’m glad you have more functioning neurons than Nexus claimed you did.” The voice had come out of nowhere, and as Leo looked around the grassy field, it remained as invisible as the wind.

Why? No other thought was so prevalent on his mind. The wind seemed to whip the reeds as the voice responded.

“The how and why of my actions cannot be disclosed at this time due to … well … I’m really not at liberty to say. I have agreed to abide by certain … restrictions, barring my influence over you and some select others.”

Who? Who else is going through this?! Leo’s thoughts screamed as the voice simply sighed in exasperation.

“Once again, I am not at liberty to say. Now listen closely, Leo, I am asking --quite politely, I might add-- for one thing. Only one. I am currently … entangled in some rather pressing … matters concerning the ‘legality’ of this operation. All I ask is that you stay the course without needing an … intervention on my part. Can you do this, Leo?”

“What’s in it for me if I accept?” he whispered, finally finding his voice again.

“It seems that you’re looking to much into the illusion of free choice I have given you. But, if you must, I will limit my intrusions into your addled head if you comply. The longer you follow my directions, the less I will have to …. correct your actions. Do we have a deal?” the voice chuckled.

“…Yes,” Leo croaked.

“Wise choice, my friend. I will meet you up ahead...” With that haunting remark, the presence left, only the torrid sun and tall waves of grass remaining to remind Leo of what was still real. He looked ahead through the rippling grass at the two blue and yellow specks in the distance. He sighed as he found his feet again and began catching up to his teammates.



Continued on next post.

Knightfall
15th December 2012, 2:47 PM
The sun had finally begun its fiery descent into the western horizon, painting the sky in vivid colors of fading blue, blazing orange, and an amalgamation of similar colors that would need an expert on the color spectrum to accurately name them all.

Jay had called for a break from walking sometime around noon, when the sun was at its hottest. Said “break” that included all three of them foraging among the brush for some edible berries and roots, a loud argument over which round blue berry was poisonous or not, and finally eating the berries that were decided to be non-lethal, and fortunately were.

They were all tired and still caked with dirt from their escape from the forest. The military camp was nowhere in sight; even on top of a ridge nothing remotely resembling a camp could be seen for miles around. As the sun’s rays no longer provided enough light to see, they used Leo’s tail as a torch to guide them.
The waning moon provided only a fraction of the light it did the night before, making determining their path difficult. The wind barely rustled the grass on both sides of them, causing an eerily haunting sound like the rattling cries of some primal beast.

At first, Leo dismissed the sounds of the grass as the movement of the unblowing summer wind, but as it continued to follow them as they moved along, he increasingly grew paranoid that something was out there.

The dry stalks of wild grass rattled against each other. Leo could have sworn that he detected the faintest hint of a shadow darting behind a clump of the plants. He strained his eyes, holding his tail in front of him as a flashlight of sorts to aid in his search.

Jay and Kelly both halted behind him, sensing the same feeling of being watched. The grass seemed to suddenly cease all movement, causing the three fugitives to form a tight circle in the middle of the path. With only the small area that Leo’s tail lit up to effectively see, they remained silent, hoping to either confirm or deny the validity of being stalked.

“Who’s out there?! We know you’re there!” Jay shouted at the mass of weeds surrounding them. No voice came forth to answer his demand, only a whisper of wind, and ---what sounded like--- the scurrying of feet over the dew-ridden soil.

“I-I know you’re there! Show yourself!” Jay screamed again, his apparent confidence betrayed by a slight stutter.

Against the unspoken arguments of his teammates, Jay stepped forward out of the small circle of flickering light that gave the illusion of safety. Leo held his breath as he waited for something horrible to happen, but nothing happened. Jay glanced around, scanning the grass for any hostile life. He turned around to signal that it was all clear. He never got that far.

Almost as soon as his back was turned, a green tendril shot out from the thicket and snared the Riolu. It coiled around his legs, tripping him as he tried to walk back to his team. Jay’s cry of pain and confusion was cut off as the vine snapped back and dragged him into the thicket.

Just as Leo braced himself to jump into the brush to rescue his leader, something hard and blunt slammed into the side of his head. He stumbled on the spot, his vision going white for a split second.

He tried to turn around to face his attacker, but instead of an identity, he was greeted by another blow to the opposite side of his head. Before he could dizzily stagger a single step forward, a small black foot collided with his stomach. Leo doubled over wheezing, but not before the same black foot slammed into his ankles, knocking them out from under him.

Leo couldn’t find the energy to tell his lungs to inhale. His entire body hurt from the swift beating it endured. His vision blurred and his lungs burned. He could see a blueish figure standing directly above him. The Pokemon snapped something in it’s paws and pressed it to Leo’s mouth and nose.

His body was begging for air, but he knew he couldn’t breathe in whatever toxin his assailant had. Despite feeling weaker and weaker with every second without air, Leo tried to force the Pokemon off of him by swinging his claws vaguely in the attacker’s direction.

The Pokemon over him grunted some curse and pressed harder with the toxic seed, but Leo couldn’t comprehend it. His body couldn’t take it anymore. Any notion of free will left him and basic survival instincts took over. Leo’s mouth opened and he gulped in a mouthful of air, dust from the seed intermixed within it.

Instead of getting clearer, Leo’s vision grew even blurrier as the toxins dulled his senses and relaxed his muscles. Leo felt his eyelids droop lower and lower as weight was added to them. He couldn’t fight it any longer, the fatigue from the night before and earlier that day caught up with him in a single, finishing blow. Leo closed his eyes and allowed his body to drift off into drug induced slumber.


“They are safe, for the time being. There is no need to worry about them at the moment. I’m afraid we have bigger … tribulations to take care of first, my liege. Seeing as you are rather … occupied at the moment. I see it in my duty to take on the role of arbiter in this conflict.”

…...
“I will do what I can when I must. For lasting peace.”


End Chapter Nine


Author’s Notes:

As usual, I’d like to thank everyone who gave me advice on this while I wrote it, and my beta reader. My story would look very different if it wasn’t for you guys.

This chapter truly marks the break with the first arc in my opinion. We’ll be seeing a new setting for the next set of chapters.
We’ll also be seeing some new characters, as well as a reappearance of a few from chapters past.
Now, I know that the section in the middle with the incoherent rambling doesn’t necessarily follow the rules of grammar, but it had to be like that.

Well, I have mid-terms in the early part of January, so I’ll be occupied by those when the time comes, but rest assured that I plan on doing a lot of writing during my winter break.

Thanks to everyone who has read this so far. Over 10,000 views, I can't believe it....

Until next time, and Happy Holidays,

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Azurus
15th December 2012, 8:25 PM
"they team found themselves standing" should be "the"

"The the heat" one too many "the's"

"Jay called a for abreak" one too many "a's"

I wonder who took the group captive this time, unless it's the army guys they were gonna go meet anyway.
Looking forward to chapter 10.

Knightfall
15th December 2012, 8:44 PM
Thanks man, I fixed them.

Well, that's all part of the cliffhanger. You'll find out who ambushed Salient soon enough.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Meeker
16th December 2012, 7:21 AM
I must say I'm spoiled for this to have been my first fic I gave a chance and read. You get better every time.

I also see that you like to toy with your readers by giving them cliffhangers at the end of each chapter, I bet you enjoy that you lucky son of gun. I keeps them coming back too, which everybody likes.

Now, are the characters based off of people you know? They seem real enough to be incarnations of real people.

Keep it up, and I look forward to chapter ten.

Knightfall
16th December 2012, 3:52 PM
Really? This is the first fanfic you've read? Well, I must say I'm honored.

Yeah, I do love my cliffhangers. Though they're there for a reason, and yeah, they keep people coming back.

Actually, no. All characters have come from my head, though they might be influenced by video games and other media somewhat, I don't recall basing a character off of someone I personally know. Though I thank you for thinking they might be, I work hard to make my characters have a unique personality.

Thanks, and hopefully that'll be up soon as I have winter break in a week.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sidewinder
17th December 2012, 5:57 PM
A drink from Spinda’s would be nice. Something very strong …

That made me lol. Is this the first time you mentioned this particular place? Because if so, kudos to you as it's very inventive


“Meanwhile, the Kingdom is crumbling around us; a dying patient in a hospital. We cannot hope to save it without greater cooperation within the government,” he said, slowly rubbing his right scythe on his left.
Nickolas narrowed his eyes Just where is he going with this? he wondered.

Formatting issue there.


and your tragic … loss, we have

Are we talking about a certain Riolu, perhaps?


He stopped circling directly in front of Nickolas, his eyes red with anger.

That caused a little bit of confusion for me as you said he had red eyes already. To avoid being repetitive, or if needing a different way to describe them that would fit, you could say something like ", his eyes burning with anger"


The memories did not subside until he felt the forceful shake of two small wings and the concerned voice of Wevan that broke him from the horrible slideshow.

I felt like you did a good job describing his loss and grief in all the places above the portion I quoted. I could feel his loss there, and it was compounded even more by the fact that he's part of this dynasty that's lasted for so long; so not only is he dealing with his struggles through his kingdom, but he has to deal with the heavenly disappointment of all those that came before him. Nicely done


A large Pokemon with a thick hide of purple complete with several pointed spikes stopped in front of his cell. He took his fist and slammed it against the bars.
Aleck leaped backwards in fright, while the Nidoking let out a gruff laugh.

Nidoking as prison cell guards? hmm, that seems familiar lmao

Up to this point, I do somewhat feel like that the chapter so far has been way to dialogue driven. With Aleck and Nickolas, and the portion between their portions, I understand why you had to put so much, as you'e laying foundations and motives, but at the same time there is a point to where you're reading so many lines of dialogue that you almost forget what you're reading. That's where I'm at right now. You've done a good job expressing your points and getting the story moving, but keep in mind that line after line of dialogue can get a little tedious. You dig?


“We’re still too close to Loyalty to consider ourselves out of the woods yet,” Jay stated again, Leo almost groaning at his pun.

That read a little weird to me too. I would suggest taking out almost and just sticking with groaning. Paints a livelier picture


A plan that would have worked if Leo hadn’t dozed off five minutes into his shift.

Tut tut, that will never do. Kelly and Jay should beat him mercilessly


Leo rested on his back in the grass, holding his tail off the ground to prevent a fire, and allowed the sun to warm his entire body.

I love the fact that no matter what situation, you're always mindful about the physical characteristics of Leo. So many authors forget minute details like these, but you never do. Good job!


The sun had finally begun its fiery descent into the western horizon, painting the sky in vivid colors of fading blue, blazing orange, and an amalgamation of similar colors that would need an expert on the color spectrum to accurately name them all.

I reread the quoted portion several times because I was slightly taken aback by how wonderfully wordy and descriptive it was. Nicely done with painting such a clear picture in my mind

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed myself throughout the chapter. There were a few words I would have tweaked here and there, and maybe scaled back a tiny bit on the heaps of dialogue, but other than that you did wonderfully. The ending left nothing to be desired, and I have to say that it really worked to amp me up for the next chapter. Good job :)

Sound
17th December 2012, 10:35 PM
How to open this quick review... I'm confused. In a good way.


Executive Order 47: “In the event any officer of the law becomes malcompliant with established royal doctrines, it is imperative that they be disposed of with extreme prejudice. They are to be imprisoned without the possibility of fair trial. Lethal force is granted for severe cases of insubordination. Regional governors have the responsibility of filling in the position within forty-eight hours from initial disposal.”

They're pretty prepared. Or maybe it just happens a lot, who can say?


“You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”[/i]

Something's missing there.


[B]“You allowed your greed to get the better of your judgment. This is not the first time that has happened, from my observations.”

He's everywhere, and he knows everything. I really want to know his motives and goals. But, we're a long time away from finding what they are, correct?


“That’s great! Actually, that’s really horrible, but it’s still great!” Icarus exclaimed, flapping his wings several times in excitement.

Haven't we all been in these types of situations?

I'm still loving it. It's confusing as mystery contained in an enigma wrapped in a tuna roll, which simply sets up for something cool. This is one of the few fanfics that's captured my attention recently, and I always look foward to reading the latest chapter. Bravo, Knightfall.

Knightfall
18th December 2012, 12:15 AM
Alright, reply time!


That made me lol. Is this the first time you mentioned this particular place? Because if so, kudos to you as it's very inventive.

It is this first time I've mentioned it. Though that character in the games makes drinks for a living, so it seemed reasonable that he could make something... stronger, if needed.



Formatting issue there.

I've been having that problem a lot lately, it seems. Fixed.



Are we talking about a certain Riolu, perhaps?


There's a good deal of things he could mean by that statement. If you recall, his wife was killed by Colonists, and his power is about to be degraded.



That caused a little bit of confusion for me as you said he had red eyes already. To avoid being repetitive, or if needing a different way to describe them that would fit, you could say something like ", his eyes burning with anger"


Ah, I see.Good point. Fixed.



I felt like you did a good job describing his loss and grief in all the places above the portion I quoted. I could feel his loss there, and it was compounded even more by the fact that he's part of this dynasty that's lasted for so long; so not only is he dealing with his struggles through his kingdom, but he has to deal with the heavenly disappointment of all those that came before him. Nicely done


Thanks, I've actually read a lot into the fall of monarchies, so I can imagine how it might feel quite vividly. His nation is facing internal collapse and civil war. Not a good combination. Even though it's dying, the final blow has yet to come.



Nidoking as prison cell guards? hmm, that seems familiar lmao


Hmm, how about that? Great minds think alike after all.



Up to this point, I do somewhat feel like that the chapter so far has been way to dialogue driven. With Aleck and Nickolas, and the portion between their portions, I understand why you had to put so much, as you'e laying foundations and motives, but at the same time there is a point to where you're reading so many lines of dialogue that you almost forget what you're reading. That's where I'm at right now. You've done a good job expressing your points and getting the story moving, but keep in mind that line after line of dialogue can get a little tedious. You dig?


I see what you're getting at. And I felt that way myself with this chapter, but next chapter I promise that things get done rather than talking.



That read a little weird to me too. I would suggest taking out almost and just sticking with groaning. Paints a livelier picture


I agree. Fixed.



Tut tut, that will never do. Kelly and Jay should beat him mercilessly


Heh, there will be plenty of time for that. Don't you worry.



I love the fact that no matter what situation, you're always mindful about the physical characteristics of Leo. So many authors forget minute details like these, but you never do. Good job!


I just can't get away from that tail of his can I?



I reread the quoted portion several times because I was slightly taken aback by how wonderfully wordy and descriptive it was. Nicely done with painting such a clear picture in my mind.

Thank you. I quite liked it myself. Finally got a chance to use some vocabulary I learned in school. XD



All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed myself throughout the chapter. There were a few words I would have tweaked here and there, and maybe scaled back a tiny bit on the heaps of dialogue, but other than that you did wonderfully. The ending left nothing to be desired, and I have to say that it really worked to amp me up for the next chapter. Good job :)

Glad you enjoyed it. And yes, I agree that the dialogue was a bit on the heavy side, but I'll fix that in the next chapter. The ending was rather a stir of the moment thing, but I'm glad I put it in. It ended the chapter quite nicely. Thanks again!


How to open this quick review... I'm confused. In a good way.

That means I'm doing my job right.



They're pretty prepared. Or maybe it just happens a lot, who can say?


They have contingency rules for everything. I'm not kidding in the slightest here, the bureaucratic freaks have been busy.



Something's missing there.

Argghh, broken code is going to be the death of me. Thanks for catching that, it's rather embarrassing.
.


He's everywhere, and he knows everything. I really want to know his motives and goals. But, we're a long time away from finding what they are, correct?

Surprisingly, no. He does not know everything, he's just in the right place at the right time. You'll soon see just how much gets by him. And yeah, he's going to remain a mystery for a while.



Haven't we all been in these types of situations?


That's how I got the idea for the quote. It just fit perfectly.



I'm still loving it. It's confusing as mystery contained in an enigma wrapped in a tuna roll, which simply sets up for something cool. This is one of the few fanfics that's captured my attention recently, and I always look forward to reading the latest chapter. Bravo, Knightfall.

This is sig material. Thank you. You have no idea how thankful I am for your comments. Seriously, it really helps. Thank you, and all of those who read this.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sid87
21st December 2012, 8:53 PM
He clutched a letter in his paw, careful not to accidently impale it on the boney spike also on his paw.

Wording is awkward there. Maybe just "He clutched the letter, careful not to impale it on his paw's boney spike."


Wevan simply nodded. “Very well. I will fetch him right away, sir.” With that, he waddled out the door, making sure to close it gently behind him.

Nice touch on "waddling". :)


“W-what?” Nickolas stuttered as he tried to process what had just happened. He couldn’t believe that the absolute power built up by his family over the course of three centuries was decimated within a minute and a half.

I'm torn as to whether I LIKE the "minute and a half" bit because it juxtaposes well against the three centuries, or if I think it's a bit too silly sounding. I think it might be better as either "a few moments" or "ninety seconds". I am not sure, though.


The disbelief gave way to absolute rage in one violent scream as Nickolas as he curled his right paw

You have two "as he/as Nicholas" in the middle there.


Then, the memories changed for the worse as his sobs increased. His father, coughing violently as the assassin’s poison ate through his veins. His father, lying on the cold marble floor as his advisors raced for help, whispered his final blessing and bestowing his son the crown with his last labored breath.

Since you start two sentences here with "His father...", it might be more symmetrical if you continue on with it. Instead of "help, whispered his final...", you could say "His father, whispering his final blessing..." It seems more thematic to the paragraph that way.


Wevan carefully removed his wings from his king’s back. “Thank the Legends, you’re alright …” the butler sighed in relief that his employer had not yet kicked the proverbial bucket.

I don't think someone would refer to royalty that they work for as their "employer". :) Also, the end of this is a bit too comical given the mood of the scene.


I ascended into the passages of the false knowledge with the wired heart. To prepare for the coming of the heroes of injustice.
“You’re trying to be a hero, just because of what that thing told you. Listen to me! You’re not a hero! Heroes die!”
That I will see the sun again. One day. My mind will become clear once again. The heroes will allow me to.
“You don’t understand… I have to stay. To guide them. Otherwise the world will burn.”

I will be free.

Well, okay. I didn't understand a damn bit of what just happened. I think I mentioned before, either this story is going to be over a thousand pages long (or you have it intended as a multi-story series), it's kind of late in the game to be throwing MORE mysteries at the readers. I'm already caught up in who the scientists were at the beginning, what is the voice in Leo's head and how is it connected to Jay, what was the War of Time (or something), what's the backstory of the kingdom, the evil Skarmory... now we've got whatever THIS was.

Which, don't take to mean this wasn't well-written. It most certainly WAS, and I enjoyed reading it. There were two or three grammar errors or chunky phrases I blew past because I was enveloped in the segment. But it's starting to feel like I need a flow chart to keep a grasp on everything that's going on. Why can't I hold all these subplots, as it were.


“Oh, Giratina, what have I done to deserve this?” Aleck croaked, holding his injured eye with his claws.

I like the feel on polytheism in that all the pokemon seem to herald a different legendary as their patron god, and they, of course, seem to be tied together by typings.


“Do. Not. Insult. Me. Nod your oxygen-deprived head once if you understand. Otherwise you can permanently say goodbye to your motor functions.” Despite on the verge of passing out, Aleck managed to nod as per the voice’s instructions.

I don't love the "oxygen-deprived" bit. It feels too... something. I don't know. I imagine this unseen foe to be more in favor of harsh brevity than random adjectives.


His entire body felt as stiff as a board and sore. This was to be expected from sleeping on a patch of particularly uncomfortable dirt. He had woke up with a layer of dew on his scales and had trouble getting the irritating droplets off his skin. They acted like someone poured itching powder on him, causing him to fidget around in discomfort trying to get the stinging water off.

Take out the "someone poured" bit. Just "they acted like itching powder on his skin..."


“Wait a second … Icarus, is that you?” the Riolu asked, realization hitting him like a punch.

I would think pokemon would recognize each other more readily than this, but perhaps the sun was in Jay's eyes at first.


The late summer heat took its toll on the team as they trudged through the field. Leo wished that a well of water would appear alongside the path, or anything that could potentially quench his thirst. He thought it was a cruel working of fate that he was stuck in this body. Wanting nothing more to take a plunge into a lake, but also loathing the thought of having water splash onto him.

Very nice detail.


Like I said, my major thoughtline here is that there is SO MUCH going on. I know war and rebellion and the history of a realm is hardly one-dimensional, but I'm having a hard time keeping track of everything and everyone.

I imagine--and I might be wrong, but I bet I'm not--that you have an absolute ton of graphs and charts and documents about everything going on in this world. I'd love to see them sometime after it's over. I always need to get better at that. I tend to keep everything in my head, but then my long-term continuity goes to heck quite often. Heh.

Brutaka
21st December 2012, 9:06 PM
Well, okay. I didn't understand a damn bit of what just happened. I think I mentioned before, either this story is going to be over a thousand pages long (or you have it intended as a multi-story series), it's kind of late in the game to be throwing MORE mysteries at the readers. I'm already caught up in who the scientists were at the beginning, what is the voice in Leo's head and how is it connected to Jay, what was the War of Time (or something), what's the backstory of the kingdom, the evil Skarmory... now we've got whatever THIS was.
The Restoration of Time he keeps referring to is the series of events played out in PMD Time/Darkness/Sky.
Similarly, the Falling Star Incident was the events of PMD Blue/Red Rescue Team.

Knightfall
21st December 2012, 10:05 PM
I'm torn as to whether I LIKE the "minute and a half" bit because it juxtaposes well against the three centuries, or if I think it's a bit too silly sounding. I think it might be better as either "a few moments" or "ninety seconds". I am not sure, though.

I went with the ninety seconds. It seemed to fit better while retaining the contrast.



You have two "as he/as Nicholas" in the middle there.


Really? That's annoying. Fixed. Must have been left over from my edits.



Since you start two sentences here with "His father...", it might be more symmetrical if you continue on with it. Instead of "help, whispered his final...", you could say "His father, whispering his final blessing..." It seems more thematic to the paragraph that way.


I agree. I was having trouble with that line earlier as well. Fixed.



I don't think someone would refer to royalty that they work for as their "employer". :) Also, the end of this is a bit too comical given the mood of the scene.

True, and it has been changed. And the ending wasn't meant to be comical, but rather something Wevan, as a butler who has served Nickolas for a long time, would do to help the situation.



Well, okay. I didn't understand a damn bit of what just happened. I think I mentioned before, either this story is going to be over a thousand pages long (or you have it intended as a multi-story series), it's kind of late in the game to be throwing MORE mysteries at the readers. I'm already caught up in who the scientists were at the beginning, what is the voice in Leo's head and how is it connected to Jay, what was the War of Time (or something), what's the backstory of the kingdom, the evil Skarmory... now we've got whatever THIS was.

Well, it's supposed to be from the perspective of a schizophrenic, thus explaining the sudden shifts of POV and inane dialogue.

I plan on making this a multiple story series, though each story is going to be long, regardless.
Well, it's only Chapter Ten, mind you. It's not a mystery exactly, just another piece of a puzzle. And as Brutaka said above me, the Restoration of Time/Time Gear Crisis and the Falling Star Incident are actual events from the games, so unless you played them, they might be hard to understand just what they were.




Which, don't take to mean this wasn't well-written. It most certainly WAS, and I enjoyed reading it. There were two or three grammar errors or chunky phrases I blew past because I was enveloped in the segment. But it's starting to feel like I need a flow chart to keep a grasp on everything that's going on. Why can't I hold all these subplots, as it were.


Well, I'm glad it was mostly grammatically correct. I focused on making the scene and not so much proper formatting. I'd like to see the flow chart you produce compared to mine.



I like the feel on polytheism in that all the pokemon seem to herald a different legendary as their patron god, and they, of course, seem to be tied together by typings.

Thanks, I actually saw the aspect of Legendary worship in another PMD story and I only expanded the idea. With all the Legendaries available,
it's no surprise that many Pokemon worship different Legends.



I don't love the "oxygen-deprived" bit. It feels too... something. I don't know. I imagine this unseen foe to be more in favor of harsh brevity than random adjectives.

Agreed, and fixed.



I would think pokemon would recognize each other more readily than this, but perhaps the sun was in Jay's eyes at first.


Well, there's more than one Pidgeotto in the world. And yeah, the sun and all.



Like I said, my major thoughtline here is that there is SO MUCH going on. I know war and rebellion and the history of a realm is hardly one-dimensional, but I'm having a hard time keeping track of everything and everyone.

I know it's a lot. This is my first project and so I've put so much thought into it, history and all. And it's only going to get worse before it get's better.



I imagine--and I might be wrong, but I bet I'm not--that you have an absolute ton of graphs and charts and documents about everything going on in this world. I'd love to see them sometime after it's over. I always need to get better at that. I tend to keep everything in my head, but then my long-term continuity goes to heck quite often. Heh.

You're pretty close. I actually need to revise some of my storyboard doc since some ideas are a little outdated. Heh, maybe when it's over, I'll send 'em to ya for kicks.

Major thanks for the review, this story wouldn't be nearly as good without your advise. I can't get my review of your latest chapter done until next week as I'm visiting family. It'll be done as soon as possible.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Brutaka
21st December 2012, 10:22 PM
Well, there's more than one Pidgeotto in the world. And yeah, the sun and all.
My opinion on that is that perhaps Leo couldn't distinguish between members of the same species, but all natural born Pokemon would. In fact, I'd say that Pokemon would probably have a hard time distinguishing different humans apart.

Knightfall
1st January 2013, 4:11 AM
Chapter Ten: Memory

” Did you know that the average Grass Type needs approximately seven to nine hours of sunlight per day to maintain healthy cognitive functionality? I found that fact interesting. Tell me, how long have you been trapped here? Weeks? Months? Regardless, your head must be doing torturous things to you. Why not come out of there and you’ll see. None of this is real.”
[Time and Date Redacted]


Axis slowly floated down the deserted street of Loyalty; the squad of four Magnemite buzzing excitedly behind him at the prospect of yet another arrest. The deputy scanned the rows of dwellings that lined the main road; the newly mandated curfew had to be enforced.

Forty-eight hours had not yet passed since Gear’s disposal, and Richelieu had already laid the foundation for a totalitarian state in which he was the dictator. This is only the beginning if the plans I saw on his desk were true, the deputy thought.

The units chattered among themselves as the last of the sun’s rays disappeared from the sky, officially marking the beginning of the mandated blackout that lasted until dawn. Axis switched on his built in searchlights. The lower ranked officers switched on their lights following Axis’s example; their beams sweeping the seemingly empty street for violators of the new rule.

Despite putting on an act for the governor and the traitors, he was forced to call comrades. He sincerely hoped that they didn’t come across an unfortunate soul who failed to make the deadline of sunset. The beams of light flashed across the stone buildings and dark alleyways, almost as if they could chase the darkness away to reveal a treasure of some sobbing citizen to arrest.

The moon was obscured by a large bank of clouds, blocking its natural light and making the Square seem even more like an abandoned city than the bustling marketplace it was. Hovering across the open area of the market square, Axis and his squad turned down the right hand road and off into the major residential district.

Axis couldn’t help but think of the possible reasoning behind Richelieu’s plans. Control was the obvious answer, but he knew something else was lurking behind that. Some unseen motive that was almost certainly detrimental to the majority of the populace of the town. Shaking away the thoughts, he refocused himself on the task at hand. His orders from the Skarmory had been little more than to patrol the streets.

They didn’t get any kill lists anymore, though the lack of specific targets --whether true felons or falsely accused-- essentially made every citizen within the town a target. The Magneton shined his light behind the countertops of the wooden stalls, occasionally flashing his light quickly, trying to send a warning signal to any citizens not yet indoors.

Focused as he was in his thoughts of the future, the deputy immediately snapped to attention when the sound of clattering metal reached his sensors. Twisting around in the air, his beam instantly centered on a small feline figure frozen in fear. Axis scanned the Pokemon within the same instant; his three cores searching the town census database for an identity.

The overly curly tail and predominantly grey fur marked it as a Glameow, and the monthly census narrowed down the identity to two individuals, one of whom had recently been gravely injured in a dungeoneering incident.

Arianna Glameow: 17 years of age. Citizen since birth. Record: none, Axis determined, his database ninety-nine percent sure of positive identification. The Glameow remained motionless against the stone wall of the house, a small metal plate with various fruits lay forlorn on the ground directly underneath her. Only the telltale signs of her extremely shallow breathing revealed she still had a pulse.

Her sharp, blue eyes darted from side to side looking for any possible escape route, but finding none that looked promising. Before he could make a formal declaration of arrest, Axis heard the fine-tuned whirring noise from the squad behind him that signaled only one thing. Axis spun around to face the Magnemite who were charging up for a debilitating stun attack.

“ZzT! Wait! Don-!” he screeched in vain as eight separate spheres of lightning shot by him, superheating the air surrounding the protesting deputy for an instant. The thief’s shriek of terror was quickly replaced by pitiful whimpering and the odor he analyzed as charred fur. Unable to turn around and face the grievously burned and paralyzed female, Axis floated in stunned horror.

His cores shouted out to him the numerous laws and statutes his officers demolished within ten seconds, but he couldn’t comprehend any of it at the moment. Almost subconsciously he slowly willed his magnets to turn his hovering body to face the injured Pokemon.

What he saw caused his cores to short-circuit. Arianna’s grey fur was now peppered with small circular bald spots, each one angry red and sizzling slightly. Tears leaked from her eyes as she bit her lip in an effort to not show weakness to the guards by crying.

Axis was roughly suddenly pushed aside by two of the Magnemites. The Magneton’s speakers failed him as he watched the two brutes each clamp one their magnets over her forearms. Her repressed whimpers turned into screams of agony as the two started to drag her over the cobblestones in the road.

“I’m so sorry...” he buzzed softly as the thief’s screams faded away as she fell into the abyss of unconsciousness.

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, he repeated in his mind; the words sounding more and more hollow every time he said them.


Leo never felt so free, so exhilaratingly alive --and so curious-- as he ran through the concrete corridor. The flatlights plastered on the ceiling and walls giving the hallway a clinical feel to it as it lit the area with a stark, white light.

Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Immediately cancelling his forward momentum, he slowed to a stop; his well-worn shoes skidding to across the gritty stone floor to stop at a glass window embedded in the wall.

Standing on the tips of his feet, he was able to see down through the glass into the vast room below. Labyrinths of wires and piping began from unseen generators, ran dizzily across the walls, and ended in a tangled jungle on the floor. Over the covering of wires, pipes, and machinery worked several men in lab coats no longer white from repeated stains of sweat, electrical burns, and grime from the machinery.

In the center of the chamber stood an enormous machine of unknown purpose. It stretched from floor to ceiling with wires connecting to it at every possible point. Beneath the machine, under metal grate, a set of wide, metal fan blades sat motionless. Over it, a set of three electrical arrays pointed down from three dirtied, steel arms on the ceiling; each matched up with a receiver at the base of the machine.

Aside from the giant contraption, Leo was fascinated by the dozen men who, despite the chaos, managed to continue working and make progress. He watched wide-eyed from his perch above them as they shouted calculations and directions at each other as they prepared the gargantuan machine in the center of the room for launch. Fortunately for him, there was an air duct grate nearby through which he could hear snatches of the scientist’s commands.

“-- the signal is fading, we have to hurry before it’s gone.”

“-- up to ninety percent. Be sure not to overload it.”

“--must account for the temporal differences.”

He didn’t understand any of their jargon, but he knew they were gearing up for something big. He watched as three of the men pressed sequences of buttons on the many keyboards littered around the lab. Giant mechanical arms lifted the final wires into place, connecting the machine with the power source.

Scientists gathered around the three computer stations spaced about the room around the colossal apparatus in the center of the chamber. Their fingers flew across the keyboards in order to bring life to the metal structure.

“-- start the rotors. Bring the power level to eighty-four point two percent exactly. Easy now, don’t damage anything. We don’t want a repeat of yesterday.”
“-- charge each of the arrays oppositely. The ensuing collision will--”

The wires hummed excitedly as precious electricity flowed through them into the machine. The metal blades at the base of the experiment began to rotate with an almighty shudder that knocked Leo to the floor. Their joints and connectors screeched loudly in protest of movement as they shifted into position.

As Leo picked himself off the floor, he again peered through the window. The steel blades were spinning rapidly, much to the anticipation of the science team. Leo only heard snippets of their orders above the buffered air coming off the spinning blades.

“--reroute power from auxiliary generators if you absolutely have to. Be sure to--”

“--the system can’t operate on that level for longer than--”

“-- override protocol. We have to try this while the signal is still receivable. Otherwise--

The gargantuan machine shuddered as electricity danced among its slowly spinning arrays, bright beams of raw positively-charged power aligning with the negatively-charged receivers. This collision of polar opposites forced the beams to reflect off each other, making them seem to race about the open center core of the experiment.

“--predictable results so far. Power on the magnetic field; prepare for impact!”

The reinforced glass of the observation window vibrated with the shaking of the experiment. Leo watched in awe as the erratic beams were suddenly compressed into a small electrified sphere, even as the facility shook from the tremor resulting from the activation.

“--align the signal coordinates. Quickly! Before it’s--”

The scientists seemed to be swarming their computer stations like ants, each either typing madly, or making minute adjustments on electrical power levels. The small sphere of confined electricity seemed to ripple and slowly expand as it was held in place by the magnetic pulses. Leo pressed his face against the glass, his breath fogging up the window slightly as he hoped to see whatever was going to happen in the core.

The core of compressed energy glowed as it suddenly expanded to fill the entire open space between the top and bottom of the machine. Leo’s eyes widened as colors began to bleed into the white center of the core, turning it into a canvas of superheated plasma. He could see distinct hues of green and blue congregate at the top and bottom of the core, forming fields of emerald grass and limitless skies of some uncursed world.

“--trace the signal! This is it! We’ve got it! We’ve--”

A violent tremor suddenly rattled the chamber; the machine began to spark as the core misaligned. The picturesque field was torn apart and replaced with the golden sands of a barren desert.

“-- lost the signal! It’s beginning to--”

The arrays started to spew forth lightning as the world within the core altered once again, this time becoming a molten red volcano. Leo could feel the heat radiating through the window an entire floor above.

“--attempting shutdown! It’s not--it’s not shutting down! The system’s--”

The room began to quake as the tremors continued to erupt from the malfunctioning experiment.
Green fields, stormy oceans, mysterious glowing orbs within a night sky, vast clouded mountains, and blue skies all flashed briefly in the center core before vanishing as quickly as they had come. Leo was entranced by the images; all of them far more vivid than anything he’d heard of before in legends.

It only remained for a split second, but a single image was burned into his thoughts forever. A shimmering veil of sky dotted with pure white clouds. In the middle of it, a vast glowing orb, far brighter than anything Leo had ever seen before. Leo shielded his eyes from the intense brightness of the oddity.

He blinked once and the picture was gone. In its place a peaceful looking mountain range and valleys, the strange orb still floated in the sky far above the pinnacles of the peaks. Just as he grew accustomed to the strange thing in the atmosphere, he heard the yells of the science team once more.

“--shut off the power! We can’t take much more of this!”

“--data is irretrievable! We can't!"

“Do it!”

Leo wanted to see more; he had to. He had only glimpsed the tiniest ray of something spoken in myths. The sphere that floated loftily in the heavens was direct proof that there was more to the legends and rumors. That somewhere there was more than perpetual dull skies. Something greater than a still sea. Something with more life than the dying land. Something that promised freedom to whoever was courageous enough to reach through and grab it.

“-- data! We can’t! Not until we get a proper reading!”

“-- I say. Shut. It. Down.”

Leo pressed his hands against the glass in protest. He couldn’t let these visions of paradise be torn away from him. He slammed his fists into the window, ignoring the stinging pain from the resulting impact. He could only watch in stunned horror as two men in the lab dashed to opposite walls on each side of the room where levers controlling the current were placed. They each grabbed a lever, and even as the machine shuddered once more, they pulled down.

Leo’s world then turned pitch black.


Kelly would never forgive them. She didn’t care what they said in their letters to her; dried ink failed to compare to actually hearing their apologies in real life. They had abandoned her. Left her completely alone. All to pursue a political faction that meant more to them than she did.

She had spent enough tears over them. She had to learn to adapt and survive. To fend for herself against the odds, even if it meant forming a rescue team with a Riolu she met in order to scrape together a pitiful excuse for a living.

She could almost see her father sitting in front of her. His black fur contrasting with the dim yellow rings circling his body.

“We love you, Kel. We did what we did because--”, his soft voice cracked, before she interrupted. “No! I don’t want to hear you!”

“Kelly, please listen. I only want to--” he started to say before being cut off by his daughter.
“No. Not anymore.”

The Umbreon simply closed his eyes and sighed. He looked back up at his daughter, tears forming in the inner corners of his eyes. Kelly wasn’t moved in the slightest. She returned his pleading gaze with a stare colder than ice. Out of the mists came another figure on all fours. Kelly tried to keep her face stern as she saw the pink-furred Pokemon sit down next to her father.

“Mom,” Kelly said, barely containing a sniffle as she acknowledged the older Espeon’s entrance.

”We did what we did. Nothing other than Dialga can change that fact. We only wanted--”
she explained, her voice oddly soothing to Kelly. It had been a long time since she’d heard either of them, but comfort wasn’t enough.

“It’s what you wanted?! You wanted to leave me?! For the Colonies?! You wanted this?!”
Kelly screamed at her parent’s illusions, her voice strained.
Her mother ignored her outburst and walked forward to her daughter. She placed her paw on Kelly’s shoulder, causing the wayward daughter to wince slightly. She saw her mother’s paw on her fur, yet couldn’t feel it. She saw her mother’s head lean into her, rubbing affectionately against neck, yet the touch was not felt by Kelly.
”We left in hopes that we would return within a week. You can see that didn’t work out.” she said, pressing her head against her daughter’s. ”You have no idea how lost we felt without without you with us. We missed you so much. We missed you, Kelly.”

Kelly couldn’t take it anymore, she took a deep break before letting out a soft sob. Her sobs grew closer together as she cried into her mother’s intangible embrace. Her entire body shaking as she gasped for breath amid her breakdown. Eventually, she gathered herself once again. She raised her head to look around, only to find that her parents had vanished from her sight.

“M-mom? Dad? Where are you?! Where did you go?!” Kelly asked the empty space around her, beginning to panic as she shifted her gaze to every possible direction. The misty void around her began to shudder and shake, forcing Kelly to dig her claws into the ground to avoid being tossed around like a child’s toy.

”Why do you hate us, Kelly? Do you realize how much it hurts us to hear you say those nasty things?” her father’s disembodied voice rang out through the void. Each resounding echo growing in intensity rather than fading. Kelly only squeezed her eyes tighter and she clung to the ground even harder as the tremors worsened.

”Kelly, I will only ask one more time: why do you hate us?” her father asked, his voice icy and emotionless, contrasting sharply from what Kelly previously heard. Kelly bit her lip to keep from letting the words affect her.

”Tell me! Why do you hate us?!” the void screamed at her in her father’s voice, the sound-waves rattling the foundations of the ground. Kelly let out a weak scream as the ground violently lurched forward, tearing her claws from the floor.

“I-I don’t know...” she whimpered as the demented voices of her parents tormented her further.
She pressed her front paws to her ears even as her body was slammed repeatedly against the quaking earth. She ignored the pain, but failed to block out the voices.

”You ungrateful, useless, excuse of a daughter. We cared, sheltered, and nurtured you your entire life, and when we are held up against our will, you turn on us? We should have left you a long time ago!” This time is was her mother’s voice, shrill and distorted, that berated her. Every hateful word Kelly heard broke her resolve down. She couldn’t believe that her parents could share the hate she reserved for them.

Tears began to well up in her eyes as her parent’s voices tortured her mind. She failed to see that the ground started to crumble and fall into darkness. Blinded by tears, she tried to run across the falling void; she stumbled more than once on the heaving ground, skidding over the sharp fragments of floor.

She yelped as she felt her bruised hind legs fall through the floor into nothingness. She clung with all her strength onto the bit of stable ground in front of her, trying to avoid the abyss that awaited her like a hungry predator.

”You said you hated us! You wanted us gone! You turned on us, your parents! the voice, now an unholy amalgamation of both her mother and her father, screeched at Kelly as her grip began to fail her.

The abyss growled in irritation, it’s deep tone rattling the ground and weakening her grip on the frail patch of stone she clung to in fear. She grunted as she tried to pull herself up, her back legs flailing around in the open air beneath the cliff as she tried to gain leverage.

The chasm of her nightmare, fed up with waiting, roared with another tremor that shook the entire void. Dust and mist clouded Kelly’s vision, making her eyes sting and throat burn as she had no choice to breath the dirtied air in. Her arms were burning with fatigue as she tried to resist the abyss’s attempts to swallow her whole.

The bottomless chasm roared again, demanding her immediate surrender. Despite the pain and exhaustion, she refused to give into the void’s desires. She never submitted before, and she wouldn’t now. Nothing would make her, not the void, not the quake, nothing.

”You are not our daughter. Not anymore. Get out,” the voice coldly ordered. The mist seemed to channel its tone as its icy embrace wrapped around the Jolteon. Kelly shivered as the chill pressed from all sides. Her claws slipped a few precious inches closer to the edge, making a shrill screech along the floor. The broken stone slicing into the pads of her paws, making small smears of blood appear along the rock.

”Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! the invisible voice screamed. That was the final straw for Kelly. Her bloodied claws reached the edge of the cliff with nowhere else to go besides down. She pulled her head up one last time before her grip failed, her tears staining the yellow fur on her face.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered weakly before her claws broke through the thin layer of rock. The abyss screeched in triumph and hungrily opened its maw wide to receive her.


Jay panted in exhaustion as he set down the final sack of seed. The sun was starting its nightly journey into the western horizon, signaling the end of the day. Jay checked his surroundings before leaving. The wooden structure his family used to store grain seemed secure enough, and the gates into the fields were all shut tight.

He tried to whistle a tune he had heard earlier that week in Silver’s trading market as he walked back to his family’s small dwelling. The talent was not his forte and the original jaunty tune of the song was butchered by the Riolu’s sad attempt to recreate it.

Jay stopped along the dirt road when a silhouette of two Pokemon appeared on the darkening horizon. They were coming from the capital. Jay knew exactly who they were. Their loud talking and clanking armor plates made them out to be guards of the city. Taking a deep breath, he jogged a little faster along the road, hoping to keep ahead of them. He suddenly wished that his family’s home was a lot closer to Silver.

The guards’ conversation seemed to get louder as they somehow seemed to get closer to him, despite his efforts to outrun them. As quick as lightning, a beige feline Pokemon sprinted past him and quickly turned around, blocking his path. Jay dug his paws into the dirt as he attempted to stop. The marauder was a large cat that he’d run into before and known by name.

“Felix,” the Riolu huffed, glaring at the guard. The Pokemon cracked a shrewd smile, showing off his sharp teeth at the same time. He moved his head to look down on Jay, the ruby red gem embedded on his forehead glinted in the fading sunlight.

“Farm filth, it’s been a time since we last talked, hasn’t it?” the Persian sneered. The guard slowly circled Jay, the metal plate armor on his long back clinking with every careful movement of his legs.

“Hmph, I don’t need to talk to you lot. You’ve already got this month’s taxes from us,” Jay said, stubbornly crossing his arms. The Persian stopped his circling and stared directly at the Riolu, his red eyes boring virtual holes into Jay.

“You’re joking. You’ve gotta be kidding me right now!” Felix exclaimed, the faint beginnings of a laugh easing their way into his words. “Come here, you lot! You guys won’t believe this,” he called behind Jay. Jay whirled around to find that the group of guards now significantly closer.

“Felix? What’sss thisss ssstreet rat prattling on about thisss time?” a long snake-like Pokemon asked, its black and gold form slithering around behind Jay and hissing in the Riolu’s ear. Jay gulped as he heard the Seviper’s poison-laced blade swish through the air and come to a rest, far too close to his throat for comfort.

“Apparently,” Felix said, placing a paw on Jay’s head while the Seviper guard held him in place with the threat his blade. “Our ‘friend’ here doesn’t know the news yet! Can you believe that?!”

The Seviper lowered his head to Jay’s level. “Really? Doesss our friend really not know the newssss?” he asked incredulously, flicking his forked tongue out quickly. Jay struggled against the snake Pokemon, trying to squirm free without slicing his neck on the precariously positioned blade.
“What are you two idiots talking about? What news?” Jay growled, letting every ounce of hatred for the two Pokemon seep into his words.

Felix raised his paw and boxed the side of Jay’s head. “Watch your mouth, dog.” he spat. He backed off and took a deep breath as he calmed himself down. “Well, it appears that your dear father owes the Kingdom quite a bit of money. His taxes have been short these last few collections,”

“No! You’re lying! I saw him pay them myself! They were paid in full!” Jay countered, only earning yet another threatening glare from the Seviper. Felix and the Seviper looked silently at each other for a second before both bursting into laughter.

“Y-you really-- haha --- think he paid in full? Oh Arceus alive, you’ve got to be kidding me right now! We wouldn’t be on our way to arrest him if that were the case, now would we?” Felix asked with a sinister chuckle.

“What?! No!” Jay screamed as he ducked underneath the Seviper’s blade and coils. He bent his legs and jumped up towards the Persian, arms outstretched. He hit the guard around his neck and tackled him into the dirt. Jay only saw red, slightly different shades of red, and more red. The Kingdom had taken nearly everything we’ve earned, and now they had the gall to accuse us of not paying enough? he thought angrily as he raised his arm.

Felix had barely time to register what had happened before Jay’s fist collided with the side of the Persian’s head. Not thinking of the consequences, he raised his arm again for another blow, yet he never completed the swing. The Seviper’s tail reached around, wrapped around the Riolu tightly, and pulled him away from his comrade on the ground.

Felix coughed as he dizzily pushed himself up, Jay could see that unless he broke free immediately, life about to get much worse for him. He struggled against the snake Pokemon, trying to free his arms from the merciless coils, but to no avail.

“Let’s go, we’ve got a job to do. Deal with the runt and let’s get on with it,” Felix growled, trying to keep his claws from violently disemboweling the Riolu.

“No! No! No! You can’t!” Jay screamed, kicking vainly against the Seviper’s tightening coil.

“Give him a small dose of poison. That’ll shut him up for a few hours while we finish up this job. We can come back for him later,” the Persian ordered as Jay tried even harder to push against his captor’s bonds. The Seviper nodded to the other guard and raised the blade on his tail. Acidic drops of sickly purple fluid dripped from the point of the blade.

Before Jay could react, the Seviper brought the tip of the blade to Jay’s left arm and dug it into the flesh. Jay screamed in agony as the blade swiftly exited the wound, leaving several drops of potent poison in his opened bloodstream. Jay’s screams suddenly quieted down as all feeling in his arm vanished, replaced by a slight tingling feeling.

He tried to look up at the two guards, but their faces seemed stretched and distorted beyond recognition. He heard them talking, but their indistinct words seemed to be spoken through a film of water. His arms and legs relaxed and suddenly; he wasn’t concerned about that fact that the guards were on their way to ruin everything. He couldn’t have cared even if he tried. His senses drained from his head as the poison shut every inch of his body down.



Hours Later

Kingdom Army Camp: New Rain: Northern Division

“That’s enough, Leaf. I know it wasn’t your idea. You are excused from this meeting,” said a large light blue reptile as he motioned for the small creature with a large pink flower bulb on its back to leave the tent. The Ivysaur nodded and quickly left, brushing aside the flaps of the tent. The large blue Pokemon then turned towards them, setting his enormous jaw to as close to a frown as he could possibly manage.

Leo looked around the tent. It wasn’t the largest of the cloth structures he’d seen today, but it was spacious enough to fit the Pokemon Jay called a Feraligatr with reasonable comfort. Aside from a small, roughly cut wooden desk and a few wide segments of logs that served as seats, there was nothing of seemingly any real value inside the tent.

He looked to his left. Jay and Kelly both sat on a stump and on the ground, respectively. Both were trying and failing miserably to hide their fatigue evident by their dull expressions and occasional yawn. To his right, though, was a stranger. His skin was about the same light blue as the Feraligatr’s, but that was where the similarities ended. In contrast to the large stature the general of the camp possessed, he was about as tall as Leo. The fin on the back of his head, his webbed feet, and rounded black tail indicated that he was a Water Type, yet another reason why Leo felt uncomfortable sitting so close to him.

The stranger glanced at him for a split second before looking away; going back to his task of feeling the sharp edge of his two schlops he carried with him. The Dewott -- or at least, that’s the name Leo heard the Feraligatr yell when he summoned him-- didn’t seem the least bit concerned that the general was glaring straight at him with enough intensity to ignite fires.

While the Feraligatr seemed to be putting his thoughts together, Leo took the time to put his own thoughts together. The last thing he clearly remembered before waking up on a piece of cloth that smelled like rotten fruit next to Jay and Kelly was that they were ambushed somewhere in the fields by a group of Pokemon.

After awakening from their drugged slumber, they were immediately marched through the camp to this tent. Along the way, Leo saw quite a few Pokemon either moving wooden crates into piles or practicing their attacks in a sparring ring, a simply drawn circle in the dirt. Pokemon with natural spines and scales seemed to be a staple of the camp, nearly everyone Leo saw has some type of armor or appendage that could be used for fighting purposes.

With a loud cough from the Feraligatr, Leo’s wandering thoughts were brought back to the present as the general finally seemed ready to speak to them.

“Riolu, you and your team are the least of my concerns at the moment. I will deal with you all after Noah here,” the general announced, causing Jay to exhale a sigh of relief.
The Feraligatr turned towards the Dewott, who acknowledged the general with nod of his head before returning to his shells.

“Tell me, Noah. What exactly were you thinking last night? I want to know what went through your head that made you lead an attack on this team,” the general asked, his gruff voice striking fear into Leo despite not being spoken to at the moment. The blue otter looked up at the irritated Pokemon and raised an furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“I was simply carrying out the orders you gave me at the beginning of my watch. It was from those orders that I gained the idea of detaining these civilians who very nearly walked onto Kingdom property without authorization. That’s what I was thinking, General Torrent, sir,” Noah said calmly as he continued to sharpen his shells. Torrent groaned as he rubbed the sides of his head in annoyance. Leo had a feeling that this conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere.

“Noah, my orders said to patrol the camp and alert me if there were trespassers, not attack and knock out the first civilians you saw!” Torrent exclaimed, his impressive jaw mere feet from the Dewott’s face. Noah slowly took his black paw and wiped several small droplets of Torrent’s saliva off his face before answering.

“Frankly sir, you never clarified what to do with intruders, so I interpreted it in my own fashion and acted accordingly. I was only thinking of the security of this camp, sir. Who knows what these Pokemon might have done if I hadn’t detained them?” Noah replied, the natural air of tranquility around him not punctured by Torrent’s irritation in the slightest. The Dewott looked over at the confused team. “No offense, you guys,” he quickly added.

“What do you mean I never clarified my orders? I explicitly told you what and what not to do while on watch! I never told you to use Sleep Seeds of all things! Don’t you know how potent they are raw? I swear, I’ve met rocks more apt to follow orders then you!” Torrent yelled.

“I would very much like to meet those rocks, sir. Perhaps they can teach me a lesson in humility, sir,” Noah responded in as serious of a tone Leo thought impossible to reach. Torrent stood and stared at the Dewott for a moment, not knowing what exactly to make of the statement.

“Just shut up for now, Noah. I can’t talk to you anymore. The camp healer says it’s bad for my health to hold a direct conversation with you for more than two minutes at a time. So, just stay there and stay quiet while I deal with our guests,” he said, choosing to ignore the recruit until later. He turned to the other side of the room where Jay and Kelly were seated. Leo watched as his colossal stature towered over him.

“So, despite what Noah here says about you lot, I’m convinced that you’re not the crazed trespassers he’s made you out to be. Tell me, why you all were heading toward a Kingdom camp?” Torrent asked, directing the question to Jay.

“W-well, sir. We, uh, we were just walking through the fields, yeah. We didn’t know there was a camp here, sir. We were just passing through on our way to Silver City, and then we were ambushed by that lunatic!” Jay stuttered before pointing an accusing paw at the Dewott who simply nodded in return. Torrent narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“That, my friend, is the worst cover story I’ve heard in a long time and I’ve had to deal with Noah for the past few months. Tell me the real story, before I call someone to take you lot back to where you came from,” Torrent demanded, seeing straight through Jay’s poorly built lie.

Jay squirmed in his seat and stammered a non-response. To Leo, it looked as if his mind failed to think of the right words. Torrent gave up on the team leader, leaving him to quietly sit on the wooden chair. He shifted his glare to Kelly.

“So my dear, would you kindly tell me what you were doing in the field near our camp?”

Kelly was either frozen into silence, or Jay’s failure to get cognitive words spoken had spread to her, only worse. She refused to answer Torrent’s question. Sighing in exasperation, he turned to Leo, who grabbed his tail in fear of the strong Water type.

“So, Charmeleon, are you going to shut up like a Clampearl the same way your teammates did? Or, are you going to shed some light on the situation?”

Leo said nothing, partly out of sheer fear of the roughly seven foot tall general and partly because Jay was discreetly shaking his head telling him to keep his mouth shut. The general lowered his head until he was far closer to Leo’s face then Leo would have ever liked him to be.

“Charmeleon, you do realize that I have the authority to detain you and your friends for up to forty-eight hours simply for being here? I suggest you tell me what you know before that has to happen,” Torrent ordered, his interrogation going nothing like how Gear’s did. Leo gulped and mouthed a silent apology to Jay and Kelly. Alright, he thought, here goes nothing.

“We were escaping from a town to the west of here, Loyalty Square, actually. We were forced out of the town when a squad of Magnemites raided our base. We managed to--” Leo said before Torrent silenced him with by clapping his blue clawed hand onto Leo’s shoulder, the action nearly snapping the Charmeleon’s shoulder blade.

“Say no more, son. That’s all I needed to hear--” Torrent started before he, himself was interrupted when a feathered Pokemon flew through the entrance flaps of the tent and had to swerve to avoid slamming into the general. Leo almost allowed a smile to form when he saw that the avian intruder was none other than their first and only client.

“S-sorry, sir! I-I was completing an errand … when I heard you were talking to … this team. I wanted to explain ... them to you, sir,” Icarus said breathlessly, panting in between phrases.
Rather than expel the bird from the tent for being out of conduct, Torrent shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, let’s have it. Why are they here, Icarus?”

“W-well, sir. I was flying above the Valley Forest dungeon on my way back from Loyalty and I saw them marching through the fields. I had found out that they were being hunted from the governor’s deputy, sir. These three are good Pokemon, sir. They freed me from the smuggling ring in Spore Meadows even when I couldn’t repay them, sir. Evil Pokemon wouldn’t do that, sir. I mean, it’s not in an evil Pokemon’s nature to just randomly help out some prisoner when they’re... captured.... ring...” Icarus explained, his rambling trailing off into indistinct mumbling as he realized he’d talked too much.

Leo was expecting Torrent to at the least disregard Icarus’s tirade or throw him out of the tent. He sure wasn’t expecting Torrent to smile, teeth sticking out from where his top and bottom jaws met. Icarus seemed surprised at the general’s action as well, flapping his wings once.

“Thank you, Icarus. You’ve just made my job easier, if anything. I’ve known about the corrupt Magnemites for a long time. Ol’ Gear and I had a system where he’d try to get wrongly arrested civies outta town and to me whenever I set up came here. He musta not gotten a message out to me yet about you three,” Torrent explained, seemingly trying to remember the complexities of their plan.

“S-sir, there’s a slight problem with that,” Icarus quietly said, trying to keep as silent as he could in an attempt not to embarrass himself by rambling again. This snapped Torrent out of his reminisce of days past.

“What are you talking about, messanger?”

“Well, sir. Gear … he … um … he’s … been put out of commision, sir,” Icarus reluctantly said, trying to find the right words to say.

Torrent cut straight into the heart of the matter. “So, he was finally taken down, huh? Who did it? Because I’ll rip them apart once I find them. Icarus, tell me everything you know this instant,”

“He was killed two nights ago, sir. The Magneton deputy, Axle, or Axeil or something. Anyways, the guy told me everything. This Skarmory came in claiming to be from the government. He said he was a governor or some fancy title like that, could have been a duke or noble for all I know. The guy was stuck up, had a real attitude, I tell you, I’ve never seen someone any more short tempered--” Icarus elaborated, slipping into meaningless dialogue before being cut off by Torrent.

“You’re going to in a minute, unless you get to the damn point already!” Torrent growled as he cursed at the blubbering Pidgeotto.

“S-sorry, sir! A-anyways, Gear refused to act on a kill list and apparently this Skarmory walks in with a guard of Magnemite and saw his disobedience. In short, Gear told him to fall off a cliff and the governor sent his units to attack him, and turned Gear’s own units against him, I think. The deputy wasn’t entirely sure what happened at that point, or the next few minutes. The next thing he saw was Gear’s burning body lying in the midst of a sea of Magnemite fragments. And then that governor guy ripped out Gear’s eye, I think, I’m not entirely sure I heard that right, the guy seemed pretty nervous when he told me the story. Anyways, Gear was killed and that Skarmory ordered the kill list to be enacted, which lead to the raid on Team Salient’s base, sir!” Icarus finished, gasping for breath at the end of his lengthy exposition, pleased that he hadn’t rambled too much during it.

Every soul inside the tent, from Torrent, to Kelly, even the strange Noah went quiet, as if they all had agreed to an impromptu moment of silence to honor the fallen officer. It was Torrent who broke the silence first.

“He didn’t deserve what happened to him. Anyone but him would have caved to corruption a long time ago. Gear was the best unit I ever served with. He saved my life in the second Bandit War in the Battle Sand Caverns. I’ll never forget that. And when he became sheriff and I a commander in the army, we knew what we had to do to protect the citizens from the Kingdom’s corruption,” he said solemnly, not looking directly at anyone. Leo couldn’t see for certain, but he thought he heard a series of low sobs coming from the mighty Feraligatr.

“S-sir?” Kelly asked tentatively, speaking for the first time since she entered the general’s tent.
Torrent immediately looked up and wiped his face with his scaly arm. Leo could see that his eyes were somewhat red, confirming his theory.

“Errm, yes. Umm, you lot, Salient, we’ll figure this out later. Noah, make yourself useful and show them around the camp and get them situated. Oh, and they’re also sleeping in your tent as punishment for your actions. Icarus, you stay. I have a message that needs to go out. Dismissed,” he ordered. Icarus worriedly glanced over to the team and tilted his head as if telling them to leave now. Noah stood up from his seat and motioned for the team to move as he corralled them through the flaps of the tent.

The group of four stood for a moment in front of the dull brown exterior of the tent, seemingly soaking in all that had happened in the past few minutes. They had been woken up, interrogated, accused of trespassing, apparently saved from a fate of prison by Icarus, and now forced to bunk with a Pokemon who knocked them out and knocked them out them the night before. Leo simply knew this was going to work out perfectly.

“So, um … I’m sorry for ambushing you guys and all that. Are we … good?” Noah asked, extending a nervous hand outwards to Jay. The calm and collected air he had around him inside with Torrent seemed to vanish as soon as they were outside. Jay reluctantly grasped the Dewott’s paw and shook it as he muttered something about it being a regular thing lately.

“If you guys couldn’t tell from back there, my name’s Noah,” he said introducing himself, “I don’t think Torrent mentioned your names, if you have any. I know some Pokemon from the North prefer to use the traditional species name, and all that.”

“Yes, we have names. I’m Jay, and this is Kelly, and Leo,” Jay said, motioning to each of his teammates in turn as he said their name.

“Wonderful! Now I’ll give you the grand tour of the place!” Noah said with a big smile as he walked out in front of them.

“This is Camp New Rain, the northern division. To the northeast you will see the supply tents,” he said as he motioned to a cluster of tents and stacks of wooden crates scattered haphazardly around the area.

“To the southeast and southwest you’ll find where most of us will be sleeping tonight,” he pointed to yet another bigger cluster of tents that made up two-thirds of the camp.

“To the northwest you’ll find the training areas and the mess tent where dinner will be held soon, hopefully,” he informed, directing their attention to yet another cluster of tents, but this time they were spaced out among smoking sand pits and blackened boulders, evidence of the moves being practiced there.

“And that’s your tour. Welcome to Camp New Rain! You’ll quickly learn why most fugitive Pokemon would rather go to jail than here,” he said with a grin, even as the team’s spirits fell yet again.


“Move! They’ve found us!

He could barely breathe, his lungs were on fire. The faster he tried to run, the harder it became to get a single mouthful of precious air. His feet slapped along the stone corridor as he ran from the ever pursuing sentinels.
“It doesn’t help that you’re so… uggh … heavy! Why am I carrying you?!” he screamed as he sprinted down the hallway, his arms aching with the added weight of his companion.

“Because I can’t move as fast as you can. Now shut up and pay attention! There should be a branching pathway coming up. Don’t miss it or we’ll be doomed.”

He grunted in irritation, but knew that the answer was true. Pushing the pain as far back into his mind as he could, he tightened his hold as he continued to run. His gaze darted from left to right, trying to distinguish the path his friend told him about from all the other identical patches of stone wall and crystal wiring.

“Approximately twenty-two point seven meters to go until the passage... Wait! I’m detecting something! Tri-Attack beams coming up fast on your left! Dodge them!”

“Got it,” he said as he lurched his sprinting body to the right, nearly slamming into the rock walls of the passageway. He watched in smug satisfaction as he saw several beams of red, yellow, and blue light go whizzing by him and fizzled into nothingness against the stone floor.

“Be careful! There’s an intersection ahead with sentinels on the left and right!

“Whatever you say...” he whispered as a plan began to formulate in his sun-deprived mind. He’d be ready for whatever was there.

“I’d tell you we’re doomed, but that only makes you get creative.”

He smiled as he reached the intersection. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw several sentinels on either side. He knew he literally only had one shot for this to work, if it didn’t … well, he didn’t want to be reminded again of the possible fates that awaited him if he failed here.

“This will be the death of both of us...”

“Here goes nothing!" he screamed as he leaped into the air, the momentum of his sprint carrying him forward. He vaguely saw the hailstorm of plasma energy passing underneath him, nearly burning tips of his feet as the sentinels fired at him.

The forces of gravity and friction eventually brought his flight to an end. He stumbled slightly as he tried to regain his balance and run at the same time. He nearly grinned as he escaped yet another death trap.

“Don’t think we’re out of this yet! There’s the path to your right! Take it now!”

He didn’t think twice, he immediately changed direction, his feet scraping against the stone. He tossed his heavy friend into the opening and then dived into the almost invisible hallway. He watched breathlessly as several bolts of plasma shot past it, fizzling as they harmlessly hit the stone walls.

“Don’t stop! Keep running! Keep running! Pick me up and run! Run!” He dashed over to his friend and hefted him into his arms. Looking down the dark hallway, he knew whatever was done there was infinitely more desirable than the plasma of the guards.

“I’ll never stop running. Not until I see the sun again.”


“The Kingdom … is weak. It’s a sandcastle built up over time by passing children, just waiting to be decimated by the advancing tide of time.”

“When will the tide come in and end our suffering? We have suffered too long underneath the tread of the Kingdom. When will the tide come in, master?”

“... It will come when the moon aligns and the arbiter has made his decision in our favor. When the king of the sand crumbles like his palace, that is when the tide will come in.”

“But what of the envoy to the false arbiter?”

“What about the envoy?”

“If his message is delivered, then the tide will freeze and retreat and we will never be free.”

“... Don’t worry. I have spoken to our benefactor concerning this. They have arranged everything. The envoy’s message will be lost in the tide.”


End of Chapter Ten


Author’s Notes:
Man, oh, man! Wow! I knew I’d get a chapter written by the end of my winter break, but I never expected it to be done before New Year’s!

Well, aside from that record-shattering speed, I quite enjoyed this chapter. I was able to introduce the final main character as well as a few minor ones which I had fun writing.

As per the advice given to me last chapter, I really tried to put more “stuff” in this chapter, other than dialogue. And to that point, I think I succeeded a little bit. I’m pretty sure there isn’t as much of the dialogue as last chapter, and I made sure to put in “stuff” scenes.

And, regarding the last chapter, I was also able to expand on quite a few of the back stories of my characters, which should be a relief for some of you. I’m a little worried this chapter might seem “fillerish”, but I honestly tried to make it not so.

Well, other than that, I have an exciting bit of news! PMD: Overthrown has gotten its first piece of fan art (http://mystic-blat.deviantart.com/art/PMD-Overthrown-345607304)! My eternal thanks to the extremely talented ~mystic-blat on DeviantArt for creating Leo and company.

Also, many thanks to my amazing beta readers Brutaka, Shadow Lucario 50, and Azurus for all their help throughout the year and putting up with me and my insanity. And, many thanks to my reviewers such as Sid87 and Sidewinder for helping make this story the best it can be.

And finally, thank you to all my readers. It’s only because of you all that my story has gone from the simple story it was in February to what it is right now. You've all helped make this a great year. I hope to keep on writing quality work for you all come 2013.

Oh, and be sure to nominate and vote in the 2012 Fanfiction Awards. There are plenty of authors and reviewers who deserve it for all their hard work this year. So, please, do them a favor. Go out and vote.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sidewinder
4th January 2013, 12:45 AM
the squad of four Magnemite buzzing excitedly behind him at the prospect of yet another arrest

They really get their jollies doing that don't they? Police brutality!!


The moon was obscured by a large bank of clouds, blocking its natural light and making the Square seem even more like an abandoned city than the bustling marketplace it was.

You may consider dropping the 'even more' from the sentence. Mainly because it gives it gives it a more sinister feel. I like comparisons such as this because of the opposite factor and I think you've done a good job; however, make sure you don't try too hard to beat it into us that the city has adopted a ghostly feel. A few quick lines is all you need to portray that. You did it the right way, I'm just saying that dropping those two words would let us arrive their in our own way. Make sense?


The flatlights plastered on the ceiling and walls giving the hallway a clinical feel to it as it lit the area with a stark, white light.

I've commented before how you're description has grown since you've been writing, but damn sir, the quoted portion is a prime example of how I'm becoming slightly envious. Nicely done


The room began to quake as the tremors continued to erupt from the malfunctioning experiment.
Green fields, stormy oceans, mysterious glowing orbs within a night sky, vast clouded mountains, and blue skies all flashed briefly in the center core before vanishing as quickly as they had come. Leo was entranced by the images; all of them far more vivid than anything he’d heard of before in legends.

Formatting issue there


“Kelly, please listen. I only want to--” he started to say before being cut off by his daughter.
“No. Not anymore.”

and there


“It’s what you wanted?! You wanted to leave me?! For the Colonies?! You wanted this?!”
Kelly screamed at her parent’s illusions, her voice strained.
Her mother ignored her outburst and walked forward to her daughter. She placed her paw on Kelly’s shoulder, causing her to wince slightly. She saw her mother’s paw on her fur, yet couldn’t feel it. She saw her mother’s head lean into her, rubbing affectionately against neck, yet the touch was not felt by Kelly.
”We left in hopes that we would return within a week. You can see that didn’t work out.” she said, pressing her head against her daughter’s. ”You have no idea how lost we felt without without you with us. We missed you so much. We missed you, Kelly.

Sorry to keep pointing them out buddy, but I'm assuming you want me to. Just take a teensy bit more time before posting to weed out these jumbles like this. As I'm sure you know, it does make a difference. What's happening with Kelly has me on pins and needles, but when stuff like this happens, I lose my focuse.


”Why do you hate us, Kelly? Do you realize how much it hurts us to hear you say those nasty things?” her father’s disembodied voice rang out through the void.

I loved that you included 'disembodied voice' in there. As I'm sure you know from reading my fic, I've always been of the persuasion that voices in our head hold just as much sway as voices we hear with our ears. The fact that you put those in there means a great deal to me in terms of my understanding of you're story, and letting me in on some turmoil that Kelly is experiencing that I wasn't previously completely privy to.


Pokemon with natural spines and scales seemed to be a staple of the camp, nearly everyone Leo saw has some type of armor or appendage that could be used for fighting purposes.

I'm thinking this is you're approximation of German shock troops. Nice


The camp healer says it’s bad for my health to hold a direct conversation with you for more than two minutes at a time.

Hah!

Another solid chapter from you, sir..(that is assuming you're male, which is something we haven't discussed lol). I enjoyed it very much. Despite the one or two grammatical errors and the formatting issues, you did a great job. The back and forth with Torrent was really enjoyable to read, and I liked the interrogation feel that besides that portion, the whole chapter felt like it had. My thoughts are running a muck after what was aid about Pokemon would rather be elsewhere then at this camp so I'm excited for the next chapter

Knightfall
4th January 2013, 1:18 AM
Hey, nice to hear from you. Response time!


They really get their jollies doing that don't they? Police brutality!!

Heh, they got bored with their normal duties of guarding and civility a long time ago. Arresting and bullying Pokemon is their only true form of entertainment.



You may consider dropping the 'even more' from the sentence. Mainly because it gives it gives it a more sinister feel. I like comparisons such as this because of the opposite factor and I think you've done a good job; however, make sure you don't try too hard to beat it into us that the city has adopted a ghostly feel. A few quick lines is all you need to portray that. You did it the right way, I'm just saying that dropping those two words would let us arrive their in our own way. Make sense?


I see what you're saying, and it does make it sound better. Fixed.



I've commented before how you're description has grown since you've been writing, but damn sir, the quoted portion is a prime example of how I'm becoming slightly envious. Nicely done.

Slightly envious? Of my description? I don't believe it. Thank you, I've been using the advice you and others have given me. And the practice obviously helps.




Formatting issue there, and there.

Sorry to keep pointing them out buddy, but I'm assuming you want me to. Just take a teensy bit more time before posting to weed out these jumbles like this. As I'm sure you know, it does make a difference. What's happening with Kelly has me on pins and needles, but when stuff like this happens, I lose my focus.

Dang, and I thought I got those. Well, I'll be sure to get them next time. I promise the next chapter will be formatting error free.



I loved that you included 'disembodied voice' in there. As I'm sure you know from reading my fic, I've always been of the persuasion that voices in our head hold just as much sway as voices we hear with our ears. The fact that you put those in there means a great deal to me in terms of my understanding of you're story, and letting me in on some turmoil that Kelly is experiencing that I wasn't previously completely privy to.


But of course. It stands to reason that the voices in your head would hold more sway than voices outside. You'll be seeing more of this in other characters soon enough.
I figured Kelly hadn't seen enough of the "twisted spotlight", so I decided to shed some light on that. Though her problems are actually more complex than you might think...



I'm thinking this is you're approximation of German shock troops. Nice


That's a pretty accurate description.



Hah!


You can thank my brother for that one. Being near him too long is just...



Another solid chapter from you, sir..(that is assuming you're male, which is something we haven't discussed lol). I enjoyed it very much. Despite the one or two grammatical errors and the formatting issues, you did a great job. The back and forth with Torrent was really enjoyable to read, and I liked the interrogation feel that besides that portion, the whole chapter felt like it had. My thoughts are running a muck after what was aid about Pokemon would rather be elsewhere then at this camp so I'm excited for the next chapter

Well, while we're on the subject, yes, I am indeed a male.
Moving on, thank you for pointing out said errors. Those formatting errors were because I literally finished this chapter two hours before New Year's Day in hopes of getting one final update for the fan fiction awards.

Heh, I'm glad you liked Noah and Torrent. You'll see more of them (especially Noah) in future chapters.
And I actually tried to mirror the interrogation feel from Chapter Two when Gear questioned Leo. So, I'm glad that worked.

Yeah, he wasn't completely lying when he said that. The next chapter will be fun to write.

Thank you for your review, it does mean a lot to me.
Good luck in the Fan Fiction Awards.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Azurus
5th January 2013, 2:28 AM
Well the whole camp scene was very well done, I enjoyed Noah's sarcasm and Torrents dialogue when speaking to him.

One thing though, even though I know it's supposed to happen, but I kinda feel, just a tiny bit, that there are far too many tortured minds. I like it, but there's just so many.

Anyway, excellent chapter, and I look forward to more.

There is a couple of spelling errors in the couple of paragraphs after the 1st scene shift.

Knightfall
5th January 2013, 2:42 AM
Well the whole camp scene was very well done, I enjoyed Noah's sarcasm and Torrents dialogue when speaking to him.

Ah, good. I tried to put in something more ... lighthearted to counteract the mood a little. Glad it worked.



One thing though, even though I know it's supposed to happen, but I kinda feel, just a tiny bit, that there are far too many tortured minds. I like it, but there's just so many.

You and Sid have both expressed this in your reviews. I know there's a lot going on, especially in the potential insanity department, but I promise it will eventually be cleared up. And there's not too many others who are insane as these characters.


*
Anyway, excellent chapter, and I look forward to more.

There is a couple of spelling errors in the couple of paragraphs after the 1st scene shift.

Thank you for your comment, it means a lot.

Oh, I'll look that over. Thanks.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Azurus
5th January 2013, 3:44 AM
The metal blades began the* rotate.
*Should be "to".

...the beams to reflect and off eachother...

Doesn't sound right, not so much a spelling error as word placement and omission. Should read as:

...the beams to reflect off of eachother...
regardless, you'll want to look at that line again.

Sid87
5th January 2013, 7:58 PM
Forty-eight hours had not yet passed since Gear’s disposal, and Richelieu had already laid the foundation for a totalitarian state in which he was the dictator. This is only the beginning if the plans I saw on his desk were true, the deputy thought inwardly.

It's hard to think OUTWARDLY. ;) So I might erase inwardly at the end.


Hovering across the open area of the market square, Axis and his squad turned down the right hand road off into the major residential district.

Minor, but it might sound better with "right hand road AND off into the major..."


Axis couldn’t help but think of the possible reasoning behind Richelieu’s plans. Control was the obvious answer, but he knew something else was lurking behind that. Some unseen motive that was almost certainly detrimental to the majority of the populace of the town. Shaking away the thoughts, he refocused himself on the task at hand. His orders from the Skarmory had been little more than to patrol the streets.

I feel like this Axis stuff is thrown in because I am demanded it! ;)


Arianna Glameow: 17 years of age. Citizen since birth. Record: none, Axis determined, his brain ninety-nine percent sure of positive identification.

I am torn as to whether I think "database" might be better than "brain" there. Brain, to me, is too awkward sounding, and "database" might be an improvement since it further exemplifies the cold, mechanical nature of Magnemite.


Her sharp, blue eyes darted from side to side looking for any possible escape route, but finding none that looked promising.

Another [seemingly] unintentional narration shift here. Suddenly I am in Arianna's POV as she looks for a clearing.


What he saw caused his cores to short-circuit. Arianna’s grey fur was now peppered with small circular bald spots, each one angry red and sizzling slightly. Tears leaked from her eyes as she bit her lip in an effort to not show weakness to the guards by crying.

The bit there with the "cores" and short-circuiting? That's what I meant earlier with "brain". It smashes together Axis' inhuman body with his burgeoning, human morality and feelings. It gives him a sense of breaking out of his molding and becoming his own man.


Leo never felt so free, so exhilaratingly alive, and so curious as he ran through the concrete corridor. The flatlights plastered on the ceiling and walls giving the hallway a clinical feel to it as it lit the area with a stark, white light.

The "and so curious" bit draws the eye and reads differently from the rest of the line. I might consider setting that off with dashes (DASHES!)


Something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Immediately cancelling his forward momentum, he slowed to a stop; his well-worn shoes to skidding across the gritty stone floor to stop at a glass window embedded in the wall.

I think that "to" is misplaced.


It only remained for a split second, but a single image was burned into his thoughts forever. A shimmering veil of sky dotted with pure white clouds. In the middle of it, a vast glowing orb, far brighter than anything Leo had ever seen before. Leo shielded his eyes from the intense brightness of the celestial oddity.

The "celestial oddity" bit is a little too "pretty narration" for me. I would just say "oddity" or "image" or "light". Something simplistic that doesn't detract from the previous description of what he saw.


“--data is unretrievable! We can’t!”

You'd think a scientist would know that the data is IRretrievable. ;)


Leo wanted to see more, he had to.

Dash or semi-colon; not comma.


-All right, my wife wants attention, so I'll be back for the rest of this (don't you love how I perpetually fail to review a chapter in one sitting?)

EDIT: I'm back


Kelly would never forgive them. She didn’t care what they said in their letters to her; dried ink failed to compare to actually hearing their apologies in real life. They had abandoned her. Left her completely alone. All to pursue a political faction that meant more to them than she did.

Woo! More subplot characterization!


She placed her paw on Kelly’s shoulder, causing her to wince slightly.

There's a little pronoun confusion here. I KNOW you mean Kelly winced, but there's a part of me that thinks you MIGHT mean the mom...


”You said you hated us! You wanted us gone! You turned on us, your parents! the voice, now an unholy amalgamation of both her mother and her father screeched at Kelly as her grip began to fail her.

Should be a comma after "father".


The chasm of her nightmare, fed up with waiting, roared with another tremor that shook the entire void. Dust and mist clouded Kelly’s vision, making her eyes sting and throat burn as she had no choice to breath the dirtied air in. Her arms were burning with fatigue as she tried to resist the abyss’s attempts to swallow her whole.

Nice paragraph. Very fraught with anxiety and tension.


The bottomless chasm roared again, demanding her immediate surrender. Despite the pain and exhaustion, she refused to give into the void’s desires. She never submitted before, and she wouldn’t now. Nothing would make her, not the void, not the quake, nothing.

”You are not our daughter. Not anymore. Get out,” the voice coldly ordered. The mist seemed to channel its tone as its icy embrace wrapped around the Jolteon. Kelly shivered as the chill pressed from all sides. Her claws slipped a few precious inches closer to the edge, making a shrill screech along the floor. The broken stone slicing into the pads of her paws, making small smears of blood appear along the rock.

”Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! the invisible voice screamed. That was the final straw for Kelly. Her bloodied claws reached the edge of the cliff with nowhere else to go besides down. She pulled her head up one last time before her grip failed, her tears staining the yellow fur on her face.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered weakly before her claws broke through the thin layer of rock. The abyss screeched in triumph and hungrily opened its maw wide to receive her.

Actually, this whole bit was nicely done. There were some parts where I thought the narration was getting a touch too tried again, but overall, it was a very tense, powerful segment. The rather quick turn Kelly made from hating her parents to being broken by their disapproval was very excellent character building and shows just how thin a veil her wall of anger is. And the personification of the nightmare and the darkness was excellent, as well.


“Felix,” the Riolu huffed, glaring at the guard. The Pokemon cracked a shrewd smile, showing off his sharp teeth at the same time. He moved his head to look down on Jay, the ruby red gem embedded on his forehead glinted in the fading sunlight.

Oh, Felix the Cat. Aren't you a little young for that? I'M a little young for that!


Jay only saw red, slightly different shades of red, and more red.

I'm not enamored of this. It seems close to working, but just doesn't quite get there for me.


Without warning, the Seviper brought the tip of the blade to Jay’s left arm and dug it into the flesh.

But...they did warn him. They just told Seviper to poison him. :p So I would think he did have warning, he was just incapable of resisting.


“Noah, my orders said to patrol the camp and alert me if there were trespassers, not attack and knock out the first civilians you saw!” Torrent exclaimed, his impressive jaw feet from the Dewott’s face. Noah slowly took his black paw and wiped several small droplets of Torrent’s saliva off his face before answering.

LOL...when I first read this, I was trying to figure out what IMPRESSIVE JAW FEET were. JAW FEET! That sounds really scary; bite the ground while you run! JAW FEET. (you might want to throw a "just" or "mere" in between those words. Or don't! Maybe he has JAW FEET! And that IS impressive)


“I very much like to meet those rocks, sir. Perhaps they can teach me a lesson in humility, sir,” Noah responded in as serious of a tone Leo thought impossible to reach. Torrent stood and stared at the Dewott for a moment, not knowing what exactly to make of the statement.

"I very much *WOULD* like to meet..."


“I … uh... you see, we … umm...” Jay squirmed in his seat. To Leo, it looked as if his mind failed to think of the right words. Torrent gave up on the team leader, leaving him to quietly sit on the wooden chair. He shifted his glare to Kelly.

Jay's stammering here reads a bit too comically for me. There is room for comic relief in this scene, but I don't get a proper sense of it here. It just kind of weird and out-of-place. Might be preferable to say "Jay squirmed in his seat and stammered a non-response".


Torrent refused to beat around the bush. “So, he was finally taken down, huh? Who did it? Because I’ll rip them apart once I find them. Icarus, tell me everything you know this instant,”

This, mostly the phrasing of "beat around the bush" reads without the emotion I'd think Torrent might be feeling given that Gear was an ally and, maybe, friend of his.


“And that’s your tour. Welcome to Camp New Rain! You’ll quickly learn why most fugitive Pokemon would rather go to jail then here,” he said with a grin, even as the team’s spirits fell yet again.

"go to jail *THAN* here..."


-Lots of confusing stuff going on at the end there, as we're back to the bickering voices I had forgotten about and then some unseen people talking about an arbiter. Sometimes I think you leave too a bit too much unseen to the reader. It's mystery, yes, but it's hard to keep all the stuff that I can't quite "see" straight in my head.

The dreams were interesting, obviously especially Leo's since it deals back with his human self in the human world. What was happening in that situation, I wonder?

Kelly's backstory seems more engaging than Jay's. Not a knock on Jay or you or anything; it just seems at first blush like a vanilla "You killed my father, prepare to die" revenge motive. Kelly's is more nuanced and tells me more about her emotional depth and her own personal deception. I am very eager to get resolution to her subplot.

Darkened_Kingdra
6th January 2013, 2:08 AM
I am back.
Knightfall, this is completely amazing. Your description, which fell in the beginning, is uppity now. The plot progresses and kickbut ninja Dewott enters. Tell me, will there be comic relief Pokemon like the Chowderheads? They were awesome and you could make the new ones brothers. Terrifying!

Grav

Knightfall
6th January 2013, 2:12 AM
Thanks for reviewing. And now, my replies.


It's hard to think OUTWARDLY. ;) So I might erase inwardly at the end.

Hmm, I never thought about that before. Fixed.




Minor, but it might sound better with "right hand road AND off into the major..."

I've never been one to doubt your advice. Fixed.



I feel like this Axis stuff is thrown in because I am demanded it! ;)

Well, I do listen to my readers. And you expressed how having him would be good for the story, so yes, because of you, have planned out a bit of plot for Axis. He owes you one. XD



I am torn as to whether I think "database" might be better than "brain" there. Brain, to me, is too awkward sounding, and "database" might be an improvement since it further exemplifies the cold, mechanical nature of Magnemite.

You provide an excellent point. I didn't think of it like that. Edited.



Another [seemingly] unintentional narration shift here. Suddenly I am in Arianna's POV as she looks for a clearing.

Oi, fixed.



The bit there with the "cores" and short-circuiting? That's what I meant earlier with "brain". It smashes together Axis' inhuman body with his burgeoning, human morality and feelings. It gives him a sense of breaking out of his molding and becoming his own man.


I see what you mean, and it does add to his character. And, also, "human" morality? "Man"? There are no humans here. Not anymore.



The "and so curious" bit draws the eye and reads differently from the rest of the line. I might consider setting that off with dashes (DASHES!)


Never occurred to me. And I fixed it, yes, with dashes. My problems with dashes are in the past now, my friend.



I think that "to" is misplaced.

Indeed it was. Fixed.



The "celestial oddity" bit is a little too "pretty narration" for me. I would just say "oddity" or "image" or "light". Something simplistic that doesn't detract from the previous description of what he saw.


Again, I see your point now. Fixed.



You'd think a scientist would know that the data is IRretrievable. ;)


Dang, I thought I fixed that earlier.



Woo! More subplot characterization!

Indeed. Kelly needed more of the "twisted limelight".



There's a little pronoun confusion here. I KNOW you mean Kelly winced, but there's a part of me that thinks you MIGHT mean the mom...


I meant Kelly. Fixed.



Nice paragraph. Very fraught with anxiety and tension.

Actually, this whole bit was nicely done. There were some parts where I thought the narration was getting a touch too tried again, but overall, it was a very tense, powerful segment. The rather quick turn Kelly made from hating her parents to being broken by their disapproval was very excellent character building and shows just how thin a veil her wall of anger is. And the personification of the nightmare and the darkness was excellent, as well.


I realized how you liked when I personified the trees in the last chapter, so I made a note to do it again. I'm glad you liked it, because it was partly for you.



Oh, Felix the Cat. Aren't you a little young for that? I'M a little young for that!

You know? I didn't realize the reference at first, but then I saw the connection and I left it in there.



I'm not enamored of this. It seems close to working, but just doesn't quite get there for me.

Any suggestions on how it could work better?



But...they did warn him. They just told Seviper to poison him. :p So I would think he did have warning, he was just incapable of resisting.


Fixed.



LOL...when I first read this, I was trying to figure out what IMPRESSIVE JAW FEET were. JAW FEET! That sounds really scary; bite the ground while you run! JAW FEET. (you might want to throw a "just" or "mere" in between those words. Or don't! Maybe he has JAW FEET! And that IS impressive)

I hate it when you find these things. XD Fixed.



Jay's stammering here reads a bit too comically for me. There is room for comic relief in this scene, but I don't get a proper sense of it here. It just kind of weird and out-of-place. Might be preferable to say "Jay squirmed in his seat and stammered a non-response".

Hmm, true. Edited.



This, mostly the phrasing of "beat around the bush" reads without the emotion I'd think Torrent might be feeling given that Gear was an ally and, maybe, friend of his.

Yeah, I see that this isn't the best wording to use. Fixed. And they were friends in the past.



-Lots of confusing stuff going on at the end there, as we're back to the bickering voices I had forgotten about and then some unseen people talking about an arbiter. Sometimes I think you leave too a bit too much unseen to the reader. It's mystery, yes, but it's hard to keep all the stuff that I can't quite "see" straight in my head.

Well, I'm trying to tone it down and start to find things out, but it's a slow process. I have to pace it properly, so we'll have to live with the unseen voices and such for a little while yet.



The dreams were interesting, obviously especially Leo's since it deals back with his human self in the human world. What was happening in that situation, I wonder?

Glad you liked them, I tried to make them (especially Kelly's) seem like a drug trip, in a way since they were knocked out by Sleep Seeds.
What Leo was seeing will be explained... eventually.



Kelly's backstory seems more engaging than Jay's. Not a knock on Jay or you or anything; it just seems at first blush like a vanilla "You killed my father, prepare to die" revenge motive. Kelly's is more nuanced and tells me more about her emotional depth and her own personal deception. I am very eager to get resolution to her subplot.

That was exactly what I was going for. Jay's past wasn't the primary point I was trying to establish in those scenes. I tried to make Kelly's dream stand out the most, so readers would remember her story, which worked.
Kelly's problems will be seeing a bit more significance in the coming chapters, and I believe her subplot is concluded the soonest.

Thank you for your review, if it weren't for you and everyone else who reads and reviews this, I'm not sure where I'd be right now.

Oh, hello Grav. Nice to see you again.


I am back.
Knightfall, this is completely amazing. Your description, which fell in the beginning, is uppity now. The plot progresses and kickbut ninja Dewott enters. Tell me, will there be comic relief Pokemon like the Chowderheads? They were awesome and you could make the new ones brothers. Terrifying!

Why thank you, I have tried my best to improve with every chapter. I'm glad you like Noah, and while he seems like comic relief, he does play a serious role in this story. Glad to see you back.

The next chapter, we get to see more of everyone's favorite emotionally troubled Lucario.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Knightfall
10th February 2013, 1:18 PM
Chapter Eleven: Intercession

"As the violence spread, the villages and settlements scattered along the Borderlands were the first to fall to the Colonists' rage. The backwater towns of Treasure Town, Coldledge Village, Fern City, and Pokemon Square were among the final refuges to be overwhelmed. Survivors claim that the invaders targeted local leaders and significant individuals first before moving onto shops and guilds. Local law enforcement and guilds attempted to halt the invasion, but they only succeeded in slowing them down....

Segment of report as seen in the Silver City newspaper, The Silver Trumpet.


A bipedal Pokemon walked slowly through the grimy stone streets of Silver City, his large brown robe obscuring most of his features. His hidden face grimaced as he stepped in a pile of rotting substance that at one time might have been apples. Swiftly sidestepping another puddle of sludge directly beyond the previous decaying fruit, the Pokemon nearly tripped over a pile of purple ooze.

“Watch it! Don’t ya go stepping in my food!” the pile of purple goo said, splattering filth from his body all over the figure’s robe as the Muk rose up from the surface of the roadway.

The figure shouted an impressive string of expletives and rushed away from the mass of sentient ooze, leaving the Muk to his meal of week old fruit. Rounding a corner and stopping in front of a shop that seemed to be barely held upright by an amalgamation of decaying wood and metal wire, the figure leaned against the wall in an attempt to regain his composure. Yet another foul odor seemed to waft from the shop’s cracked, smoke-stained windows, causing the robed Pokemon’s sensitive canine nose to crinkle in disgust. Making sure the Muk hadn’t tagged along, the figure finally seemed to calm down.

Shaking his head in an effort to ignore the smells and other unpleasantries, the figure pressed forward into the crowds of Pokemon, each struggling to survive on the underbelly of the glorified capital. The figure carefully looked around through the sea of less-than-savory, unwashed peasants, trying not to call attention to itself in an effort to get its bearings. It observed the many torn down propaganda posters supporting the war effort lying in the gutters along the street and the colorful footprint rune graffiti scrawled on every available inch of wall along the alley. Sections of the city’s resident newspaper were rapidly becoming its own level of pavement over the cobblestone as they were carelessly discarded.

The figure pressed the thoughts into the deepest recess of his mind and left them there; it had come all the way down here for a purpose. The Pokemon weaved its way through the mob of citizens as it eyed its destination. Despite being roughly shoved by several of the inhabitants of these slums, the figure clutched its robe even tighter as it pushed aside an Octillery screaming about how the “demon on the throne” would trigger Judgment Day on them all. The crazed citizen waved its many tentacles around, erratically grasping at the edges of the figure’s robe in a futile attempt to stop the hooded Pokemon’s progress.

After fording one more alleyway of odorous individuals selling wares that broke several royal laws simply by existing, the figure, somehow avoiding being sick from the indescribable artifacts on display, looked at the front of the small wooden building. Its single circular window above the double doors was still intact but seemed too covered in dirt and soot to be of any practical use.

The figure extended a paw towards the door as if to open it, but stopped as soon as it reached the rough wooden surface. Foreboding thoughts raced through the Pokemon’s head as he tried to muster the courage to enter the building. Eventually, he shook his head and took a deep, calming breath and slowly pushed one of the ancient wooden doors open. The smell of faintly burning incense mixed with dust rushed through the open space, causing the disguised figure to cough as the particles raced for freedom outside the building. The Pokemon quickly walked inside and closed the doors.

The interior of the building almost looked as if it was in another dimension and the simple wooden door was the portal. Neat rows of carved benches were arranged in a semicircle around a raised stage against the opposite wall. Delicate paintings and portraits of relics and ancient clashes between the three Dragons hung on the wood paneled walls at precise, ordered distances apart from each other.

Incense was burning a small tray that hung low from the ceiling over the stage; its pungent aroma hung lazily in the air. That was not what captured his attention though. In front of the incense tray stood a large, floating, metallic bell. Its bluish coloring barely visible from the distance and the low amount of lighting the Luminous Orb shards embedded in the ceiling provided. Without turning around, the Pokemon spoke, his voice the deep ringing of a large bell.

“It has been a long time since you have been here, has it not?” The cloaked figure slowly approached the Bronzong, walking in an aisle between the pews to the raised area in the front. Within a few strides, the figure was standing directly behind the psychic type. Raising a paw to its head, the figure drew back the hood of its robe, exposing its identity.

“It has, Father. I’m-- I’m so sorry,” Nickolas said, hanging his head. The Bronzong spun in place to face the Lucario monarch, his bright red eyes glowing with surprise.

“By Dialga’s roar, Nickolas. I cannot believe it! I thought I sensed incorrectly, but it is you!” he exclaimed joyously as he wrapped his flexible metal arms around the robed king. Nickolas failed to return the embrace and this was noticed by the Bronzong. The Pokemon coughed nervously and let go.

“Eh-hem, yes, anyways. Nickolas, what brings you back to my humble temple? I feared that you had grown forever deaf to Dialga’s beckoning ever since … Alexandria...” the priest stopped, noticing the Lucario wincing at the mention of his lost queen.

“My son, I know you. You are stronger than what you have shown recently. You must rise above the tribulations that have troubled you,” he said, trying to comfort the monarch.

“Father Ruak, I-I’m not sure how I can do this. Everything … has fallen apart. Everything...” Nickolas whispered, his pride not making admitting defeat an easy task. Ruak let out a short, incredulous, rumble from within his hollow body.

“Well, first off, cast off that filthy robe! There is no need for you to hide your face here! Here you are, a king, slithering around like a common field snake! How can you hope to rise if you embrace the floor?” Ruak shouted, its body emitting a deep ringing sound as he used his arms to rip the garment off Nickolas and immediately tear it into shreds.

Using his psychic abilities to dump the remnants of the cloak into a nearby fireplace, the Bronzong faced the king once more. Nickolas continued to look down, but even in this state of sadness he retained some of his dignity. The thin band of gold that circled his head below his pointed ears and the black sash embroidered with a silver tidal wave that wrapped around his middle hailed him as a monarch instead of some commoner.

“Now, my son, tell me. Why are you here?”

“I … I’ve ... I feel so lost now, Father. Everything has been lost to me. First, the Falling Star and the disasters that hit the Kingdom, then, Ale--” Nickolas stammered, his voice breaking off at his wife’s name. Ruak placed his arm on the king’s shoulder.

“Go on, say it. It is alright, son.”

“Then, Alexandria’s … m-murder. S-she was only trying to help. T-they, they didn’t care! They murdered her! They killed her, Father! They killed her!” Nickolas screamed, balling his paws into fists and slamming one down on the wooden altar, said fist glowing with a mystic power. There was the muffled cracking of dried tree flesh and Nickolas slowly lifted his shaking paw from the newly created crater in the otherwise smooth surface. The Lucario took several calming breaths before realizing the damage he had involuntarily caused.

“F-father Ruak. I--” Nickolas began as he formed some type of apology. The priest hushed him with a wave of his arm.

“Do not worry, I can cover that up. Now, then, my son. Tell me, what else is troubling you?”

“It’s not like you haven’t heard. Just stick your head outside and you’ll have heard everything. The Colonies, the war, money running out; everything is falling down...”

The Bronzong suddenly floated up so that his red eyes were directly staring into the Lucario’s. “No, son. I want to hear from you. What is troubling you? Not the Kingdom. Once you conquer your own demons, then you can expel the demons that dwell in others,” Ruak demanded, forcing the king’s head to look him in the eye with a psychonic field. Unable to look away, Nickolas struggled to piece together the words.

“My family is gone, Father. They’re gone. From life and from me. Father, I-I just don’t know what to do now.” Nickolas sat down on the steps leading up to the altar, allowing the Bronzong to float next to him.

“Listen to me, Nickolas. I know it is hard for you, but you must think about your larger family. Every citizen under your rule are your sons and daughters. You must care for them as such. Do not selfishly lose your focus on two Pokemon that Dialga has chosen to reside with him in the Hidden Land.”

“F-father, I--”

“No. No more excuses. Nickolas, the strength of Dialga will carry you through this, but only if you call upon Him. Let go of the past and let Him handle the future.”

“Father?” the Lucario asked as the Bronzong suddenly turned away and floated to the double doors of the church. As he opened a door to leave, he turned back to the distraught king.

“I can not help you if you refuse to let go of the past. I will leave you to your thoughts now. Be it far from me to divine the future, but remember this, Nickolas: you must delegate, or else you will abdicate.” With the last word, Ruak exited the temple and closed the door behind him.

Nickolas was left alone, and for the first time in his life, he felt truly abandoned. Looking up at the small silver statue of the Time Dragon on the left corner of the altar, Nickolas felt its ruby eyes peer inside of him as if searching his soul for every sin he’d ever committed.

Turning himself around on the steps, Nickolas got on his knees and bowed forward, pressing his nose to the floor. It was an alien position for him, as he was accustomed to being the one on the receiving end of such actions. Taking a deep breath, the Lucario attempted to push every thought out of his head regarding his family. His wife, his father, his son, all forced from his head as he did something he hadn’t done in decade: he prayed.

In an instant, his mind cleared. He knew no more of the woes of his family. He could not remember his wife’s name, or even if he had a son at all. Nickolas’s memories were purged for every shred of recognition of his loved ones until nothing remained, and he was perfectly fine with it.


Camp New Rain: Evening


“Is that all you’ve got?” Noah shouted as he deftly jumped to the side to avoid the nearly invisible punch Jay threw at him. Noah immediately swung to the side, letting the Riolu stumble for a few steps before kicking out Jay’s legs from beneath him. Leo winched as he saw his team leader fall face first into the loosely-packed sand of the sparring pit.

Why Noah insisted on facing every one of them in a match was beyond the Charmeleon, but the Dewott was adamant about “initiating” them into the camp. Maybe this is why no one has stayed here, Leo wondered as the sounds of Jay heaving up a mouthful of sand reached his ears.

“You done coughing your lungs up, yet?” the Dewott exclaimed excitedly as he jumped around the fallen Riolu, ready in case of the slim possibility of another round.

“I--I give.” Jay said bitterly between coughs. Leo wasn’t surprised in the slightest; Noah had outmaneuvered Jay at every twist and turn. The blue otter seemed to have dodging punches and kicks down to a twisted science that he enjoyed a little too much; the grin on his face only reinforced that belief.

As soon as Noah heard Jay’s surrender, he immediately relaxed his battle stance. Slapping his shell to his side as if it was a holster, he offered the Riolu a paw. His pride greatly bruised, Jay simply gave up any remnant of his dignity and accepted Noah’s assistance. Once Jay was on his feet again, Noah patted the Riolu on the back, and motioned for him to the sidelines of the mock arena.

Leo watched attentively as Jay went and sat down against a wooden crate that made up the boundary of the sparring field. Noah went to one of the crates beside Jay and cautiously pried open the lid. After making sure no one that reported to Torrent was watching, he reached his paw inside, and after a minute of searching, he pulled out something that resembled an elongated, blue raisin. He then handed the dried fruit to Jay.

The Riolu seemed to examine the food item for a minute, sniffing it inquisitively before deeming it safe enough to eat. He slipped the berry into his mouth and began munching on it. His body seemed to relax as the berry’s juices worked on repairing the bruises he sustained during the faux-battle.

“Alright, so who’s next?” Noah asked, darting from Jay’s side to uncomfortably between him and Kelly, hooking his arms around her neck and over Leo’s shoulders. Kelly slipped out from Noah’s arm and backed up a few paces, leaving Leo solely to the Dewott.

“Good on you, mate. Let’s get started!” Noah said as he suddenly pushed Leo headlong into the arena. Looking about the relatively small plot of sand, there wasn’t much too it now that he was in the center of it looking out. Other than the partial ring of crates that also served as seating, there were no boundaries at all to keep awry moves from soaring over and detonating somewhere within the encampment. Noah brought him back to the present as he began to lay down the “rules” he had explained to Jay earlier.

“Alright, first, no use of items. Second, no cheating. Third, no hitting while the opponent is down.” Noah continued, rambling onwards through several more rules Leo wasn’t paying attention to. His thoughts were scrambling and trying to piece together what little knowledge of attacks he had and, more importantly, how to activate them.

“...and finally, these rules are what you’d call ‘guidelines’. Begin!” Noah yelled as he sprinted forward toward the unsuspecting Leo. The Charmeleon barely caught a glimpse of the blue otter before Noah tackled him to the ground, sand spraying into the air and suffocating his tail flame.

Leo’s eyes widened as his tail cried out for oxygen and in pain. He tried to dislodge the Dewott from on top of him, but Noah kept him pinned down effectively, restraining Leo’s arms and upper body. His tail, he felt, had begun to smolder, the flames reduced to an ember as the merciless grains of sand smothered them. Leo could hear its muffled screams as it writhed in airless agony.

Leo’s vision rapidly approached pitch black, Noah’s grinning face in the center of his sight becoming the only thing he saw. His tail flame would have none of this. If it couldn’t burn outside, it decided to move its base of operations inside. Leo felt the vaguely familiar heat building up in his chest and felt the strength return to his limbs, even if only temporarily. He looked the Dewott directly in his black eyes and let the beginnings of a smile form on the edges of snout.

Letting the adrenaline fueled strength take action, Leo kicked up his stumpy legs, pulled them under Noah’s body, and forced every ounce of strength into propelling his legs into the Dewott’s stomach. The otter involuntarily released his grip on Leo and sailed a several feet backwards.

It was now Noah’s turn to wheeze as he quickly crawled backwards on the ground. Jumping up off the sand, Leo felt a wave of dizziness overtake him as he swung his tail around so he could see it. The sight was a strange one. Without a fire, all he could see were several hundred glowing pores clustered near the tip.

The pores suddenly seemed to register the presence of oxygen, and swiftly burst back into existence. Their sudden resurgence thankfully not burning Leo’s claw and bringing him a sense of relief to know it was still functional. Looking back at Noah, he saw that he had just begun to rise from the sand. He still clutched his midsection as he let out a pained laugh.

“Nice one, Leo. I’m glad you’re not the pushover you were last time!” he taunted as he straightened up to his full height. Pulling his twin scallops off his sides, he cautiously circled around the arena, Leo mimicking his movements. The Pokemon and the former human exchanged murderous glances at each other, sharp blue staring down deep black.

Leo ended the stalemate. Surprising even himself at his own boldness, he leaped forward, his claws at the ready. Noah seemed to expect this as he sidestepped the Charmeleon at the very last moment.

Leo wasn’t about to pull the same mistake his team leader did. Remembering what he had observed in the previous battle, Leo immediately twisted his body around, and kicked his right leg forward. His foot caught the Dewott’s leg just before it swept his own legs out from beneath him, the sudden halt of forward momentum rattling Noah and stabilizing Leo’s balance.

That seemed to shatter Noah’s confidence, if only for an instant. Not sure as to what to do, Leo simply shoved his opponent away from him as he tried to buy himself some time to figure out his attacks. The almost mystical power that had aided his claws during the encounter with Nexus failed to show itself during this hour of need.

Silently willing his claws to do anything, Leo began to panic as Noah came closer, his shells both glowing with the strange energy he lacked. Backing up until he felt the rough texture of a crate blocking his egress, Leo gulped as Noah closed the distance between them.

Leo tried to focus the energy into his claws, but his mind wouldn’t cooperate. He knew there was only one way out of this mess that didn’t involve receiving a painful blast of water all over him. It was a long-shot, and had only worked for him once, but he knew he had to try it. Leo took a deep breath, trying to coax the heat within his chest to expand and rise once again.

He couldn’t breathe any deeper, his lungs were beginning to burn, but he wasn’t sure if it was from the fire or lack of air. Rearing his head back, Leo shut his eyes and tried to force his attack to form.

Noah darted towards him, his paws glowing with a soft pale light. Small droplets of water molecules appeared out of thin air and congregated into a sphere between the Water type’s forearms. Leo knew it was now or never: either his attack was going to pay off, or it wasn’t. The Charmeleon let loose his breath as the Dewott wound his right arm back and threw the energy-infused ball of water.

Tiny embers scorched his throat as he belched forth a small volley of fireballs. As soon as they left his mouth, the pinpricks of fire adsorbed oxygen as they flared and grew to the size of Oran Berries. The spheres of burning air collided with the spheres of water. The entire arena was instantly blinded as explosions of steam sent shockwaves through the air, knocking both combatants to the sand.

Clouds of gaseous water washed over Leo, causing an involuntary shiver to run down his spine as the vapor struck against his tail. He dug his claws into the soft sand until he felt the surface of compacted soil to push off on. Leaping to his feet, he twisted around in every direction. The steam had expanded and engulfed the small arena entirely.

He was blind. The white and grey coloration of the mist prevented all vestiges of vision to lose meaning. Leo reached around and grabbed his tail, holding it in front of his as to wave away some of the clouded curtain of white mist with its heat. In hindsight, he would figure this probably wasn’t the smartest idea when facing a Water type.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure dart through the steam behind him. He instantly turned around and was met by a rough tackle from the Dewott. The remaining air in his lungs was forced out in a puff of black smoke as Noah forced him to the sand once more.

Leo barred his teeth and let out a low growl that surprised even himself. He jerked his arm out of Noah’s grasp and mimicked the action on the Dewott, gripping his blue-skinned arm tightly under his claws. Noah’s smirk vanished like rain clouds over a desert as Leo shoved upwards and managed to flip the Dewott, reversing their roles.

Leo let his instincts run his actions since they seemed to know what they were doing. He reared back his arm and brought down his elbow on Noah’s stomach. The instincts controlling his mind gave a small grunt of satisfaction as a muffled crack emitted from his struggling opponent’s ribcage.

Tears began to form in the corners of Noah’s eyes. Leo relished every moment of the Dewott’s pain as he tried to tighten his hold on his opponent. Noah managed to squeeze his arm out from Leo’s claw for an instant. In that split second, he delivered a swift punch to the patch of scale-covered skin underneath his left eye. The attack was more than enough to shake the primal instincts’ control over Leo’s head.

His claws slackened as Noah saw his opportunity to fight back. Leo wasn’t sure how the Dewott got his foot free, but he certainly felt it smash into his torso. Noah crawled to freedom as Leo tried to regain the sensation of breathing. Despite being minorly injured, Noah sure wasn’t acting anything like it. The Dewott leaped into the air and landed directly on Leo’s back.

Before his mind could relay the signal to act, Noah had pulled one of his razor shells off his side and held it against Leo’s neck. Small droplets of something wet that Leo figured to be blood began to appear as Noah pressed the sharpened blade harder into the Charmeleon’s skin.

“Give up. Now.” he hissed, fatigue making his voice waver with every syllable. Leo thought for a fraction of a second to get himself out of this before those errant thoughts were quickly stamped out by a slight jab from the Dewott. In the middle of the steam ridden arena, Leo lowered his claws and got to his knees, Noah’s blade pressed to his neck the entire time.

“There. I win. Now, was that so hard?” he coughed as he pulled the blade away and offered Leo a paw up.


Within the chambers containing the chronicles lost memories, long forgotten times, and deeds history had the audacity to censor from record, a certain ghost wandered amongst the volumes. The Pokemon muttered seemingly nonsensical strings of phrases and words together in an eerie chant of unknown language, occasionally switching his speech into the dull, modern way of vocalizing.

Small motes of dust filled the stagnant air as they gently floated to the cracked stone tiles below; their particles stuck together and spun in the air as the troubled specter paced in midair. The chamber was his own private retreat, known exclusively to himself as a result of no small amount of curiosity-fueled exploration of the inhabited halls above. The origin of the ancient archive was unknown to even him, though he had heard rumors of The Creator itself installing a similar depository of wisdom somewhere within the world.

“It doesn’t make sense. Nothing is adding up. It’s as if I am missing a variable in my equation … Something I am blind to...” the Pokemon pondered, comfortable that no one who could harm his plans was in attendance. The compact library was securely sealed from all directions, and he had added a few precautionary protections of his own design to set his paranoia to rest.

His purple form floated over a bookshelf built of smooth, pitch-black obsidian; the archaic structure laid cracked upon the marble floor. Amongst the shattered obsidian shards were dozens of handsomely-bound books, their pages --stained light brown with the passage of eons-- lying open illustrating a Buizel’s memory of its first dive into a crystal clear pond. Another’s faded ink showcased an unfortunate Lapras calf’s last memory as it was caught in the malevolent undertow in the icy waters of the Snowbound Ocean. The violet ghost passed over the novels, flipping several of the pages in his haste as he worriedly paced over them.

“Or... perhaps there is a variable that does not need to be ... Possibly. I require further proof before I can ascertain the truth ... Look at me. Heh!” the creature let out a forced laugh as to amuse the single-celled organisms residing in the chamber.

“Here I am, the iudex, the judge, being overruled by the simple restrictions of a moral code that is not even my own! Did they complain when I was forced to … observe several candidates in my search to find the one least likely to annihilate all sentient life on the planet? Not when possibility of extinction hung within the balance,” the Mismagius ranted on to the microorganisms, who remained blissfully oblivious to his presence.

He hovered over a chronicle that was stuck on the topmost shelf of the ornate chamber. Willing it out of its age-old position, the book flipped pages in midair as the Mismagius glanced over every second of a Wurmple’s life until it was viciously ripped apart by the beak of a hungry Swellow on its second day out from its egg.

“He turned a blind eye when the fate of the world rested on my actions. Allowed me unlimited use of power. I have rewritten history more times than the sun has risen on this speck of life-encrusted rock in this void of space. I saved this world, I restored the Tower, I alone quelled the Years of Rage, I repaired the balance. Now, he does this to me?” He dropped the meaningless volume of memories to the ground of the archive.

“I have worked for millennia ensuring the world remains. Does he not see? How couldn’t he? It goes against all logic. Why he restricts me is beyond my own fathomless reasoning. He did not limit me when the entirety of their civilization was … redacted from this world to ensure the survival of all Pokemon. So, why now, when so much more assuredly hangs in the balance?” The germs refused to offer up a viable answer. The Mismagius scanned the spines of the remaining books on the shelf, studying each one closely.

“Reft, Grev, Yveren, Akra, Lessly, your memories are all entombed here within these pages. While deathly mundane, the stories are inspiring. Rather paradoxical. You all may have helped me find the missing variable. So ordinary, so obvious, it is odd how I failed to see this earlier.” He brushed past the novels, forcing several hundred year’s worth of dust into the air and float down to the floor. He looked down at the invisible germs once more, staring with contempt for his primal brethren who were blessed with functioning organelles.

Suddenly a muffled scream penetrated the stale air of the library, forcing a rain of dust to fall from the ceiling and shelves.

“Hmm... Well, this is unusual. I must investigate this further.”


“I thought I said: no more questions. Get out or I will have your worthless carcasses swinging from the city gate by sundown.” the irritated Scyther said coolly, casually running his right scythe along his polished carapace. The crowd of inquiring Pokemon sent from the capital’s newspaper saw the council leader’s weapons at the ready and immediately sprinted from the premises of the mansion in fear for their lives.

Darney sighed in content as the ornate gate that provided entry to his home clanged shut as the last overly curious journalist fled his less than humane interpretation of freedom of the press. After making sure that he was finally free from the bother of the lower class, the Scyther eased the mahogany doors shut with the flat edge of his blade.

The interior of his apartment near the center of Silver was as lavishly decorated as the depleted Treasury would allow. The handsomely carved paneled walls lined every inch of space, covering the drab stone underneath it. Moreover, in front of the walls were either ornate marble statuettes or furniture imported from the craft shops of the Ember Archipelago.

He stepped into the soft carpet that hugged the entirety of the floor, careful not to track any of the filth from outside onto it. A quick glance around the center living room primarily told him that nothing was amiss, but something made him do a double-take. The small, rounded, transparent crystal embedded into a small carved wooden pillar was not glowing the soft hue of blue it usually was, but rather an urgent shade of orange.

Casually walking up to the gem, he tapped it with his blade. Immediately, a glowing orange sphere rose up from the smoothed crystal and slammed the chancellor in his face. Darney didn’t flinch at the sudden display of power from the gem as the blinding light subsided.

“Darney.” a deep, tired voice resounded in the Scyther’s ears. Darney tensed, his face struggling to contain a grimace at the sound of the voice.

“Master...I-I..” Darney struggled to speak. His throat snatched his words away from his mouth, leaving it only empty air.

“You have not acted. Why haven’t you acted?” the voice inquired, an unheard anger slithered its way in between the words and into the Scyther’s heart. Taking a deep breath to chase the unsettling feelings away, Darney gathered what he hoped were the right words to appease his superior.

“S-sir. In all due respect, I have acted. Just, I’m not done yet. These things take time to plan and put into motion. If it’s any consolation, I just put in the final pieces in place. All I must do is gain their trust and we can begin,” the Scyther said smoothly as the orange glow about his head rippled in displeasure. Darney gulped in fear as he heard his master’s rage-filled breathing through the psychic connection across the wide gulf of distance separating the two individuals.

“I give you certain parameters that had to be met. You’ve proved yourself resourceful and competent in all your other doings, so I fully expect that you’ll find a way to ensure things keep moving on schedule. I cannot keep time at bay for much longer. Now go.” the voice within the sphere said, the chilling undertone clearly told Darney that their conversation was finished. The sphere then dissipated, leaving nothing behind but a somewhat distraught Scyther who now had a great many more things to accomplish in a greatly shortened time span.

“As you wish, sir.”


“Okay. We should--should being a relative term-- be safe--safe also being a relative term-- for the current time. I strongly advise that you sleep for at least five and one-third hours in order to restore your strength and mental functionality.” the wire heart said after performing a quick scan of the small maintenance room. Nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be near them, but their situation was far from normal.

”Heh, don’t kid yourself. Any vestige of this so-called ‘mental functionality’ was left behind with my reputation and my badge ...” the lost wanderer sighed as he gripped a leather pouch of water and took a deep swig, ”Though you do have a point, I do need sleep. Where would I be without you?”

“Dead.” The wanderer let out a small chuckle, a rare occurrence in this labyrinth.

“Besides the obvious, is what I meant.” he said as he opened a small sealed ceramic jar of slightly stale beans. His mouth watered for the small morsel they’d manage to pilfer from the massive subterranean greenhouses on the levels above. The beans might have been old, but he knew his body would be able to extract some sort of nutritional value from them.

“I was just being realistic. I suggest you consume your food items fifty-percent faster. The sentinels are still on patrol, though they are not within range of us yet.”

The larger Pokemon leaned against the uncut stone wall in exhaustion while shoving a mouthful of beans into his mouth. His prediction was correct, they were very nearly expired, but it was better than going yet another day without a meal. The beans felt like rubber as he chewed them, trying to detect any smidgen of the flavor they once possessed. He watched as his companion turned exactly one-hundred and seventy-nine degrees every eleven seconds as he scanned the surrounding hallways.

“Ahh, there you are.”

The relaxing Pokemon shot up, swallowing his mouthful of legumes with a painful gulp. He swiftly glanced down the two adjoining hallways that lead out of the room. Nervous sweat broke out on his brow. He had heard it. The soft voice. They were coming. She had found them.

He jolted into action, haphazardly stuffing his meager meal into his worn satchel. Snatching his few possessions off the floor, he swung the bag’s strap over his shoulder. His companion had no time to react before he scooped him up in his arms and sprinted out of the room as fast as he could.

“What are you doing? What is it?” the wire heart shouted as he squirmed in his grip. The wanderer didn’t slow, instead he continued to run. His panicked gaze shooting down darkened paths and alleys that lead deeper into the maze. Yet even over the shouts of his conscious, his ragged breathing, and the rhythmic clicking of his feet on the stone, he heard them. The sentinels.

”The horrid tones compose a ghastly melody of betrayed hopes and shed tears, as their ominous orchestra breathes fitfully the music fueled by fear,” he whispered to himself as he clutched his friend tighter. His mind had put a cruel twist on a poem he had read on the topside in his long forgotten youth, the words becoming somehow relevant to his situation.

“Stop! There’s nothing chasing us! Put me down and stop!” his friend ordered, wriggling even harder in his arms.

“You don’t understand. I heard her ... “ he said, his voice barely audible. He stole a quick glance behind. The hallway was deserted, but he knew better than to trust his sight. He looked back down the path ahead of him. If his vague knowledge of this path was correct and not another painful trick of his brain, then he knew he’d be faced with an obstacle soon enough.

“What are you doing? The path! It’s broken! You’ll kill us both!” The wanderer shook his head in sharp disagreement.

“No! We can’t go back! They’ll find us for sure!” he yelled as his eyes saw it. Ahead in the pitch-black hallway, a darker shade of shadows lurked, indicating that the rock had fallen.

“For the last time: there is no one after us! You’re having an episode again! Ian, stop now, before it’s too late! Ian, are you listening?” the wired heart’s words fell on deaf ears as the Pokemon who carried him continued to run without hesitation towards death.

He’s wrong this time. He has to be wrong. I can make it. I can make it. I will make it! I have to, his thoughts calmly reassured him, even while his partner screamed for him to halt. He had to trust his mind, just this once he knew it wasn’t lying. Just have to time this right.

“You really are crazy then …” No, I’m right this time. I heard her. She’s found us.

He didn’t slow. He gathered his strength and tensed himself. He felt the floor vanish from underneath his stride as he leaped into the empty void. His partner screams echoed throughout the hall as they both sailed through the dark air.

The void was not as it seemed. Cruel, unforgiving deception lay just below the invisible surface. When the truth falls from its lofty perch, it must meet the deception that waits below. Deception, the very thought of the word sent doubts spiraling into his heart.

The stone of the broken passage greeted them as a normal stone should greet any falling piece of organic matter: with a hard landing. The wanderer felt piercing fire shoot up his right leg as he collapsed to the floor. A clatter on the path ahead told him that his friend had made the landing as well.

“You idiot. Now look what you’ve done! Your leg!” the smaller Pokemon screeched. Shaking itself off, it floated to the injured Pokemon and scanned his leg, seeing what possible treatment options were available with their limited resources. According to the scan results, the fracture was worse than he initially thought, but it didn’t break the skin, so setting it would be slightly easier.

“N-no. I did it for a reason. I know what I’m doing. I had to leave that place at any costs. She--” the Pokemon grasped his leg with his claws as his friend examined them, the pain forcing him to shut his mouth to muffle his screams. Gritting his teeth, he dug his claws into the stone floor as his companion pressed down hard on the abnormal bump on his limb.

It felt like his teeth would shatter from the amount of pressure he put on them as the lump of raised skin sunk lower at an agonizingly slow pace. Tears welled up in his eyes as his body spasmed involuntarily in pain. After what seemed like an eternity, the malformed bump finally fell into place with a swift snapping noise from the bone.

“We need a splint to keep it in place, though we don’t have the materials with us at the moment. Once we get back to the storage room back there--” the smaller Pokemon observed as he was suddenly interrupted.

“No! We can’t go back there! She found us!” The smaller Pokemon huffed, the emotion program within him uploading critical amounts of generated anger into his mind.

“Ian, do you not recall that you are constantly hallucinating visions and sounds alike? It’s complete--”

“Employee number: Two. Eight. Six, you have been acknowledged. Your recent actions were observed to fall under non-standard mal-compliance ordinances. Assume the surrender position. Lie on your stomach with your arms by your side and please wait for the escort units to retrieve you for interrogation.” The voice, as emotionless and cold as frozen steel, reverberated throughout the abandoned hallways as well as within the two Pokemon on the floor.

“Over my dead body.” he growled. He clutching at his injured leg and set his teeth as he quickly rose to his feet, the pain shooting fiery rods into his nerves. He awkwardly shuffled along the wall, gingerly lifted the leather strap of his satchel over his neck, and hefted his friend up from the ground.

“Your leg! Ian, how do you expect to run--” Without warning, the darkened walls lit up. Blue energy coursing through the wires of transparent crystal embedded within the stone. His eyes temporarily blinded by the flash of light, Ian limped toward the vague darkened outline of yet another hallway.

Inches from relative safety in the dark passage, a stone slab slammed down from above, conjured from elsewhere in the labyrinth and placed there by the psychic energy. Ian crashed into the blockade, promptly throwing him backwards. Ian hit the wall with a sickening thud and slid to the ground as he felt the bone inside in his leg shift again with a muffled crack as it pierced the surface of his skin. He didn’t dare look at his leg; he had already felt the warm liquid well up from the wound and flow across his leg.

“H-how bad?” he asked over the groans of grating stone and metal as the hallway sealed itself in forced lockdown. His friend failed to give a response, instead staring unblinking at the now-rising slab of rock. Above the thunderous screeches that moved the wall, Ian could clearly hear the unmistakable, unceasing beeping of the sentinels. From his position slumped against the wall, he could see the bright blue glow of their eyes as the slab between them separated.

“Vertex … how many?” Ian whispered, his voice cracking from the strain he’d placed on it a few moments ago. His companion swiveled one-hundred and eighty degrees, quickly performing a rudimentary scan.

“Nothing we haven’t evaded before. Even with your new … hindrance, we can still get through them.” Ian watched in pain as Vertex spun his two oval-shaped legs, charging electricity with every complete revolution. Energy cracked around his smooth body as he focused the power into his beak. Vertex took aim, measuring the exact trajectory he would need to destroy his immediate enemies. He just needed a little more time to charge and he would be ready to do his worst.

As if his thoughts screamed to the fates that their luck was still working, the slow-moving segment of wall suddenly swung upwards, breaking through the centuries’ worth of dirt and resistance. Vertex backed up in shock as sentinels swarmed into the sealed off hallway. His charge was still a few seconds away from complete, and a premature firing would most likely corrupt his operating system, essentially freezing his mind forever within the last few seconds of life.

The sentinels swiftly surrounded both him and Ian, as the two suspects in question looked desperately for an escape route. The Pokemon were barely aware, all relying on the orders of their superior to function. Something-- most likely his fear processor-- made Vertex shiver deep inside, thinking that he used to be one of them not that long ago. Regardless of sentience or not, they were all closing in on them and had orders to arrest them both.

One of the sentinels started glowing as it turned its triangular legs around in circles against its polyhedral body. Electricity joyously leaped between the sentinels, ecstatic to finally be free of their hosts’ compact bodies. In its moment of immense elation, the energy failed to notice that it was being forced onto the blocky, triangular beaks of the drone guards.

Milliseconds before the drones received the signal to unleash their offensive maneuver, a flash of dull green flew past Vertex’s head from behind him. The strange orb spiraled in the air as it flew towards the advancing line of sentinels. Its spherical shape impacted on a guard and deflected upwards towards the ceiling. It detonated and the room exploded.

Vertex tried to stabilize himself as the hallway shook, rocks cascaded down from the ceiling in a horrifying chorus as they slammed onto the floor below. Stones the size of the fabled jewels of Waterfall Cave rained down around Vertex, smashing more than one unsuspecting guard unit with an explosion of binary code.

Microscopic stone fragments blew through the small passageway like a storm as the cries of the Porygon echoed through the dust-choked air. Vertex slowly turned his body around, scanning the aftermath of the blast with every observation he made. His scanners easily detected his friend’s outline pressed against the wall, even through the layer of powderized boulder. Ian was chuckling softly as he lifted his new grey-colored face, some dust sliding off in clumps.

“Well … that was fun, wasn’t it? Heh...” Ian said as he slumped against the wall once again as fatigue overtook him. His tired frame let loose a ragged sigh as tried put on a happy facade.

“You should not have done that. Yes, you saved my life, but in your condition … it could kill you.” Vertex said as he hovered over to his downed friend. Ian gave a weak laugh as he pressed his claws against his wounded leg, eliciting a renewed flow of crimson blood from the opening around the shattered bone.

“Well, if I hadn’t used my Energy Ball, then it wouldn't have mattered. They would have captured us and I would have died of light deprivation. In speaking of that, let’s get out of here. I just have to do something first,” Ian said as he suddenly grabbed the small protrusion of bone, barred his teeth, and forced it downwards back into his body. Blood mixed with the grime coating Ian’s skin as Vertex let out a trill of alarm. The crimson liquid poured from the wound as blood vessels and capillaries were shattered by the uncommon bone movement.

Ian’s claws released their grip on his leg as his body contorted in spasms of agony and he started screaming at the top of his lungs. Vertex tried to ease his suffering, but lacking usable digits on his limbs, he was resorted to only one option. Using some of the energy that hadn’t already dissipated from his charged up attack, he closed his eyes, and administered a small shock to his friend’s body. He told himself that it was for his friend’s benefit, but the thought continually lost ground in the battle. The electricity stunned the spasming muscles in their throws. Ian’s body froze and suddenly fell limp as a rag doll.

Vertex slowly opened his eyes, afraid of what he would see. His processor nearly shorted out as he took in the horrifying sight in front of him. His friend’s body was covered in grey dust and smeared with dried, clotted blood on every inch of skin below his neck. The spore cap that fused into his head was bent in the back and nearly wilting from dehydration. His entire body seemed to have faded as the months without direct sunlight took its toll on his appearance, health, and mind.

As long as he had known the Breloom, Vertex has remained by his side even throughout the breakdowns. His condition continually grew worse as the breakdowns came more frequently. The photosynthetic cells in his skin gradually died off more and more until the vibrant shades of green and red pigment faded away until only a fraction of it remained.

Vertex sighed as he used his beak to nudge open the fallen satchel and carefully took out a dirtied piece of cloth that might at one time have been a scarf. Balancing the cloth on his stubby appendages, he thanked his creators that his body was coded to be flexible. He slowly looped the scarf around the wound, stemming the blood flow slightly.

“I-Ic--” Ian stuttered, excess saliva gargling his words.

“Shut up! You can’t exert any more energy, or else.... Just be quiet, Ian!” Vertex snapped as he used his beak and oval-shaped wings to clumsily tie the knot of the makeshift bandage.

“N-n-no. I-Ic—Ice! Regice!” That was the last thing Vertex heard before a low rumbling filled the room and the temperature dropped down to zero. A monumental golem floated into the room from the hallway. Its smooth, clear, faceted surface showed the pitiful reflections of the two smaller Pokemon.

“TARGETS FOUND: ROGUE EMPLOYEE NUMBER 286 AND TRAITOR UNIT 343. THANK YOU FOR ASSUMING THE SURRENDER POSITION.”


Continued on Next Post

Knightfall
10th February 2013, 1:20 PM
Camp New Rain: Dusk

Night had nearly secured its place in the sky after overthrowing the sun’s régime. The waning moon-- no more than a crescent-- floated like a yellow gem in the orange and black skies over the military encampment. Luminous Orbs on tall wooden poles were set up by duo of a Machoke and Rhydon around the camp, casting their mystical blue light down on the denizens of the land below.

Leo watched it in a tranquil trance as its golden face highlighted the shadows produced by the setting sun. His red, stumpy legs swung from the wooden bench he sat on as he watched Noah talk his way to the front of the meal line for the fourth time tonight as he got them their food.

Noah was an oddity. From what Leo could see, the Dewott could shift from being an easy-going, sarcastic slacker, to an enthusiastic, serious fighting partner in a matter of seconds. Leo would have almost thought it impossible for someone to change so rapidly, but he still recalled the memories of what the Mismagius had done. The impossible never really was.

He thought back over the last hour as he waited with Jay and Kelly for Noah. After the skilled Dewott had bested the two males of the team, he quickly ate an Oran raisin, and challenged Kelly to a duel. Leo felt a small smile creep up the sides of his mouth. Kelly had Noah paralyzed on the ground within ten seconds of the start of the match. The loss broke him for a few moments; he couldn’t talk or move, but that might have been the paralysis.

What was that old phrase? Twice the pride, double the fall? Leo shrugged, whatever it was, it fit the situation perfectly. He also remembered how Kelly didn’t seem too excited with her win over Noah. He made it a note to ask her about it if he got the chance. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he failed to notice the group of Pokemon approaching them.

“I don’t believe it. Could it be? The legendary saviors of Spore Meadows?” asked a familiar voice, dripping with sarcasm.

Leo twisted around in his seat to see who the newcomers were, even the fatigued Jay and sullen Kelly turned around in their seats. A large green reptile walked up to them, flanked by a white-furred beast with a crescent blade sticking out of its head and a dusted-green dragon.

“Blade? Elliot? Sonic? Is that you?” Leo asked, thankful that his memory had dredged up those names from the black abyss of his mind. The Grovyle smiled and clapped a claw down on the Charmeleon’s shoulder.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I honestly didn’t expect to see you lot here of all places. How’d you get here?” he asked as he and his teammates took a seat on the opposite side of the wooden table. At that moment, however, Noah came back balancing four wooden bowls in his arms, his stride wobbling as he tried to keep them from spilling all over the ground.

“Can I get some help here?” Noah asked as one bowl slipped out of his hands. He quickly bent down and caught it before it hit the ground and spilled. The Flygon quickly flew over to the struggling Dewott and relieved him of two of the wooden bowls.

Once he reached the table, he quickly slid a bowl down to Kelly as Sonic passed his two to Leo and Jay. The bowl wobbled on its bottom rim as it settled in front of Leo. Its amorphous contents sloshed around with each movement of its container.

Leo stared at the almost sickly green fluid in front of him. Leaning in close to it, he could swear that it hissed at him. His stomach tied itself in a knot at the thought of eating the revolting meal. What is this? he thought as he poked a claw at the substance, eliciting another angry gurgle from the goop.

“Noah?” he questioned. Noah took the bowl down from his mouth, and finished swallowing the last of the green mass of “food”. The Dewott turned to face him.

“What exactly is this stuff?” he inquired as he saw Blade down his own bowl of the substance, same with the Absol. Sonic seemed just as curious as he was concerning the substance. He, Kelly, and Jay also awaited the Dewott’s response.

“Yeah, I know it looks nasty –that’s just how Ramses, our Yamask cook, makes it—but I tell you it’s really good. Ramses says it’s a old recipe from his homeland. It’s basically a whole bunch of Lum, Pecha, Oran, and Cheri berries mashed up and boiled together. I’m not sure why it’s green like this, but it tastes amazing,” Noah elaborated while pointing at their uneaten bowls, “Go on, try it!”

Leo looked around. Neither Kelly, Jay, nor Sonic were making any moves toward their bowls. He sighed, he knew it would come down to this. He took a deep breath as he clasped the bowl with both sets of claws. He still wasn’t sure of what deities ruled this world, but he silently prayed to each and every one of them that he didn’t regret this later.

Under the watchful eyes of his teammates, Leo lifted the bowl to his mouth. He could hear the vibrant green goo taunt him, as if it said “eat me, I dare you.” Shaking his head, he gulped as he tipped the bowl’s contents into his mouth.

His pupils became like dinner plates. Instead of the revolting sludge he expected, waves of wonderful flavor dive-bombed each individual taste bud. Flashes of spicy Cheri, sweet Pecha, and something cool he suspected to be Lum took their turn in playing their symphony of taste on his tongue.

Before he knew it, he had gulped down the last of the meal. He slammed the bowl on the table and took a deep, satisfied breath. His teammates shrugged as they tentatively raised their bowls and ate. Sonic had already finished his meal ration with a loud belch. Leo watched as Jay and Kelly’s faces as they experienced the same blast of flavor as he did.

“You weren’t kidding, Noah. That tasted amazing!” Jay exclaimed. Leo silently agreed while wishing that his bowl would magically refill, but to no avail. Noah laughed and collected everyone’s bowls and went off to the larger tent that housed Ramses’ cooking operation.

“Can we get back to my question, please? What are you guys doing here?” Blade inquired once again, leaning across the table towards them. Leo looked at the three Pokemon. Elliot’s white figure sat still to the right of his leader, his stoic gaze seemed to pierce into Leo’s heart. The Flygon seemed just the opposite. His red eyes carefully darted about, seeming to take in every detail of his surroundings. If Leo didn’t know any better, he would have said Sonic looked just as lost as he felt.

Shrugging his shoulders, Jay began to tell of their odyssey from the two nights previous. Blade and company listened attentively as they heard about Gear’s murder and Richelieu’s takeover. How the Magnemite had forced them away from their base, how Icarus had found them, and how Noah had ambushed them in the field.

Elliot asked questions in an attempt to clear up the muddied details of that night, but no one, it seemed, knew enough to answer them confidently. The Absol huffed in contempt as he muttered something to Blade. The Grovyle quickly shot a glace over to Leo before returning to Elliot. Blade nodded and said something to the Absol that made him quickly get up and leave the table. When asked about what the exchange was about, Blade mearly laughed.

“Elliot had asked if it was more than a coincidence that in the days after we left town Gear turns up dead. I told him it was suspicious and to go ask General Torrent about it. That’s all, nothing to worry about,” he had said when he recounted the conversation to them minutes later.

After that, the teams parted ways, each going to their own tents as the nightly curfew was fast approaching. The group walked along the pathways between the stacks of crates and tents, passing Pokemon along the way. Icarus bid them goodnight as he flew overhead on his way to his shift as camp sentry. A small blue and white squirrel energetically asked Noah who his new “friends” were before zipping off on all fours past them, not even giving Noah a chance to respond.

Despite the encounters, they arrived at Noah’s tent shortly before the Orbs were shut off for the night. The interior of the tent was just as Leo expected it to look, though he had to admit that it was more spacious on the inside then the exterior had lead him to believe. Four small hammocks were set up side by side, three of them barring evidence of their recent construction and placement. A small Luminous Orb sliver hung from a string from the ceiling of the tent. Noah tapped it lightly with his paw and instantly the entire room was flooded with a bright blue glow that slowly dimmed down to a soft radiance.

After all four Pokemon had finished rubbing the spots out of their eyes, they each climbed into one of the hanging beds. Leo was comforted when he found that it felt just like the ones they had abruptly left back at their base. Kelly gingerly placed her forepaws into the hammock and tried to hold it steady as she jumped into it. Her bed swung wildly like an enraged Tauros as it threatened to dump Kelly back onto the ground. Wobbling on her four legs, she was slowly able to balance the hanging cot and ease herself into a comfortable sitting position.
“So tell me,” Noah began as he leaned forward on his hammock, “what’s your guys’ story? I’m not talking about how you got here. What did you all do before things went wrong?”

Jay shot a quick look towards Leo and Kelly as he tried to find some approval to tell the Dewott their story. The Jolteon nodded as Leo simply shrugged his shoulders. Jay took this as a go-ahead signal and started to talk.

“Well, it all began when I first arrived at Loyalty Square....”



It had been a few hours since Jay’s retelling of their adventures to that point. Leo was zonked out on his hammock; Jay’s story, combined with the fatigue from his battle with Noah earlier left him completely exhausted. The Riolu had went into excruciating detail with the menial chores he and Kelly did in the short weeks before they took the job to patrol around the Field. It was a dull prattle on the small-paying jobs they did each day: cleaning windows in the cafe, finding an Oran Berry that fell down a well, repainting the wall of the guild after anti-Kingdom graffiti had been painted on it. These jobs made both Noah and Leo’s eyes droop just at their descriptions.

Leo wasn’t sure if Noah stayed awake to hear Jay’s explanation on how they found Leo and how everything snowballed from there, but he wasn’t too concerned. He said a small prayer for one night of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep, but he had little hope that it would be answered.

After what seemed like an eternity, Leo opened his eyes. He stood in a massive stone amphitheater. The long-abandoned spectator seats still seemed to echo the roars of the crowd as the frozen wind swung its biting sword over the structure. Leo’s tail wavered in the wind as chills ran down his body.

He gazed around the stage he was upon, much like the seats, the stone was cracked and worn from centuries of use. Looking up at the sky, it took the Charmeleon a moment for him to realize that there was no sky. The void where the sky was supposed to be was an open abyss, black as night and, like space, void of stars to decorate this tapestry.

Leo shook his head, he couldn’t afford to be distracted by the scenery. This was just another test; he was sure of it. That damned Mismagius was watching him from somewhere in the shadows of the ruins, waiting to see what he would do next. He clutched his claws into a fist. He was tired of being a lab rat to this mad scientist. Despite the all-too-vivid memories of the unnatural powers he’d seen the ghost use on him, he allowed his rage to gain control.

“Where are you? Tell me! I know you’re here! There’s no use hiding, you cowardly excuse of a Pokemon!” he screamed as the amphitheater resounded a haunting echo of his words, as if passively mocking him in his fruitless endeavor. The wind suddenly howled in response, swinging its sword directly into the Charmeleon, knocking him off his feet and forcing him to tumble backwards several feet on the stage. The wind swirled its misty cloak around in triumph, the folds of the garment forming a small sphere in the air above the stage.

From within the ball of wispy clouds, two all-too-familiar golden eyes flashed once before the sphere dissipated, leaving the floating figure of the bane of Leo’s entire existence. Looking up at the Pokemon from the ground, he showed his fangs and produced a growl from deep within his throat.

“Now, now, that’s no way to treat a guest, is it? You are being a horrible host, you know. It was most rude of you to call me all the way out here only to make these primal noises at me,” he said with a smirk as he hovered far above the Charmeleon. Despite the distance between them, he could hear his foe with complete clarity. Leo narrowed his eyes; he didn’t believe it for a moment. The Mismagius noticed this almost instantly.

“Do not give me that look. I did not do this to you. I am remaining true to my word as long as you hold up your end of the bargain. Your mind did this to you. Why? I do not know. Your mind is perhaps finally … what is the common expression? ‘Losing it’, I believe,” the ghost reasoned, simply shrugging his shoulders. Leo slowly got up from the ground, convinced that the sadistic Pokemon wouldn’t murder him just yet.

“You’re telling me that you’re only here because I asked where you were? You expect me to believe you?” Leo asked, crossing his arms in disbelief.

“I expect that you will do as I say. But, yes, you must believe that this is your own doing and not my own creation. There is no test at the moment. Not for you... Now, if that’s all, I really must be going...” He didn’t know what compelled his mouth to say it, nor would he ever fully understand it, but it happened regardless. He knew it was now or never.

“Wait!” Leo shouted, holding out a claw towards the Mismagius. The fiend turned back towards him.

“Yes? What is it you want, mortal? It is expedient that I return to my dealings immediately.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Leo asked. He watched as the Mismagius slowly drifted lower to the ground until he was only an arm’s length away from the Charmeleon. Leo could almost reach out and touch his thin purple frame, but, seeing how he liked use of his hand, he refrained from doing so.

“Oh, Leo, those facts are strictly confidential. I wish I could tell you, as it would make my job infinitely easier, but alas, I cannot. Any other questions? You might as well ask since I’m already here.”

“Who are you?” he inquired as he watched the creature’s eyes flash with amusement.

“Hmm, a good inquiry. Only one other of my projects has ever asked he that before. I am the watcher and the interceder. I work for those who can afford my services, since so-called ‘divine intervention’ is now forbidden. My name has been lost to the centuries, and I see no reason to bring it up now,” the Mismagius answered, staring Leo straight in his eyes. He gulped slightly, and the other Pokemon smirked as he saw the involuntary show of fear.

“W-what role do I play in all this?” Leo asked as the Mismagius began to slowly fade from view. “Please, tell me!” he was begging on his knees now, the stone digging painfully into his scales. He didn’t care, he wanted an answer. He needed it.

“There is a remarkable work of literary prose from a civilization long, long ago in another time: ‘Theirs not to make reply. Theirs not to reason why. Theirs but to do and die...’ And so it shall be for you, Leo. I really must be going, so wake up, Leo. Wake up and leave me alone.”


With those final words, the void exploded in a flash of blinding white light that engulfed all. Leo’s eyes were forced open as his vision was met with the dull green cloth that made up the tent ceiling. Spots danced in his vision as his mind tried to process whatever the Mismagius had told him. I’m not crazy, I can’t be.

After staring at the ceiling and apparently unable to coax sleep to return to him, he leaned forward in his hammock, and pulled his tail up from over the side. Using it once again as a torch, he saw that it was shortly before dawn outside due to the pale grey light that shone through the tent flaps.

Looking around, he also saw that even though Jay and Noah were still sleeping soundly-- the Riolu snoring slightly as he slept sprawled across his hammock-- Kelly’s hammock was seemingly empty. He let out a quick yawn as his body finally began to function normally once more. He tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes with the smooth sides of his claws as he rolled off the hammock. He remembered too late that the bed was a few feet in the air, and his front greeted the ground with a thud.

Only slightly dazed by the incident, Leo laboriously used his arms to push himself up off the ground. Once he got his legs under him once again, he listened for any signs that Jay or Noah had stirred from their sleep. The Riolu continued to snore softly as he curled into a circle in the center of his hanging bed. Leo turned to his left and observed any change in Noah. The Dewott seemed unaffected by Jay’s nocturnal noise and continued to sleep.

Slowly walking on the tips of his feet, he made his way across the small tent and ducked under the flaps; he held his tail once again to light his way and to keep the flame from brushing up against the flammable cloth. He emerged in one of the narrow rows between their tent and several dozen others. He was so close to the other tents that, as he walked through the narrow “alleyway” he could hear various forms of snoring. Do they all know that they snore? He wondered as another thought came to him, Do I snore? Is that why Kelly woke up?

He pondered it as he tried to keep his tail from being the cause of a camp-wide inferno. He had never put much thought into it, there was always something else demanding the attention of his mind. He never had any time to observe his new body for any quirks or interesting details after his initial inspection back in the Fields. That day felt so long ago to Leo, yet he knew that it had barely been a week since that fateful and immensely confusing day.

Absorbed in his thoughts, Leo vaguely noticed that he was passing the center courtyard of the camp and one of the poles with an activated Luminous Orb propped on top of it. Leo looked around; the entire camp was bathed in a dull grey light once more, but this time, the light was growing brighter, little by little aided by the rising sun on the eastern side of the camp.

He continued to walk past the center yard and into a maze of more tents and wooden crates piled high upon each other to look like temples to heathen gods. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he simply let his feet move forward toward the sun that was almost ready to poke its golden head above the far off horizon.

Just as he reached the wall of tall grass that marked the camp’s border, he saw her. Kelly sat on her haunches on a small embankment of dirt that rose slightly above the grass; the small wooden platform built on top of it apparently marked it as an unoccupied lookout post. Leo carefully walked up the mound, trying not to make noise even as his claws sent dirt clods rolling down in a miniature avalanche. Once he finally made it to the top, he went forward and suddenly sat down next to her on the edge of the platform. Kelly must have been wrapped up in her thoughts as she nearly jumped a foot in the air when Leo plopped down beside her.

“Wha-? Leo? What are you doing up?” she said in a hoarse whisper as she kept herself from raising her voice in surprise. Leo didn’t answer her immediately, instead he let his vision take in the view of the first dim rays of the sun starting to shine out of the darkness of the night.
Leo shrugged his shoulders, he didn’t know what to say to her. Oh, the demon that haunts my very thoughts decided to visit me again tonight. Business as usual. You?

“I had a bad dream. How about you?” he said with a sigh. Well, it’s not a complete lie. That dream was horrible. That thought was the catalyst for what became a chain reaction of thoughts, I’ve been lying this whole time. Kelly shifted her front paws in discomfort, as if she was unsure of what to say.

“I had a bad dream too … it was of my parents... “ she admitted softly seemingly worried someone else would eavesdrop on their conversation. Leo was surprised, in the short time he had known her, he hadn’t even come close to hearing anything concerning his teammates’ past lives.

“What happened? I’ve had my share of nightmares, so I can try to relate,” Leo said, trying to be as sincere as he could be. He was genuinely intrigued, this was a chance he wasn’t going to miss out on. She seemed to grimace slightly at his question, but she took a deep breath.

“I--I don’t know if you would understand,” she faced away from him, “it’s something that honestly scared me, Leo.” He placed a claw on her shoulder in an effort to provide some sort of comfort.

“It was just a nightmare, Kelly. I’m sure that--” he began as she quickly cut him off.

“No, you don’t understand. It scared me, Leo. I don’t get scared. I’m always the calm and collected one, but back there … I couldn’t do anything,” Kelly confessed, her voice wavering on the verge of tears. Leo had no idea how to react to this; he didn’t recall his past self being an expert on this in any means.

“Well, I can say that I’ve had nightmares like that. It feels as if your entire being is not yours to control. Like someone or something is using you,” Leo said as he tried to relate with his teammate. The Jolteon faced him once more, tears running down the sides of her face.

“You don’t know what it’s like to have your parents tell you you’re worthless! Having them scream that they wish they’d never had you in the first place! To hear them laugh when you’re in pain! You don’t know, Leo!” she screamed as she suddenly bent her head down and let out a hard sob. Her entire body seemed to shake as she tried to breathe, but she wasn’t able to get enough to calm herself down. Leo looked around, panicking. He hadn’t meant to make her start sobbing, all he wanted was some way to make her feel better. Now, yet again, he had somehow made things worse. He searched his mind for something to do or say, but he didn’t know. He couldn’t remember.

“Hey …” he said, putting his claw on her back, “at least you have parents to have nightmares about.” That got her attention. Though her face was still a small river of tears, she looked up at him. Leo wasn’t an expert on reading facial expressions of Pokemon, but he had a feeling she wanted him to continue.

“I don’t even remember my parents. They could be alive or dead, and I would never know. In fact, they could be searching for me right now, or they could be celebrating that I’m gone. I don’t remember, Kelly. I can’t remember,” Leo said, emotion beginning to spill forth from his mind’s floodgates. The Jolteon stood stock-still, her expression showed that in the last few days, she had forgotten that he had amnesia.

“Leo. I … I... “she tried to say, unable to find the right words as Leo continued.

“I just want to be able to see them again, Kelly, even if it’s just a memory. But I can’t. I couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to have gone through what you did, but I can try.”

“Leo, I’m so sorry...” she said with a sniffle as she regained her composure, “You’re right, I’m acting like this all over a stupid nightmare. It’s selfish of me, especially considering what we’ve been through,” she conceded. She took a few deep breaths as they both watched the sun’s rays suddenly shoot through their prison of night and shine over the dew-covered field.

“Hey, Leo. I just had an idea,” Kelly told the Charmeleon seated next to her. Leo gave her a quizzical look, unsure of what she could mean by this. “I’ve heard of some Charizard clans in the northern mountains of the Borderlands. I’m sure your parents are searching for you as we speak. So, if we find a way to see if any of them filed a report for a missing Charmeleon, we could have a lead to your past!” She exclaimed, the cheerful personality Leo had known her to have finally returning.

While he was glad she felt better, he still didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t have the faintest idea of what these “Charizard” Pokemon even looked like, and he knew for certain that none of them were related to him in any way, shape, or form.

“Of course we’d have to wait until our current situation improves, but I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to help you, Leo. You’ve been a great friend.” Leo felt like his vocal cords had frozen over; he couldn’t piece together the words he wanted to say. His thoughts screamed at him, She’s offering to help you! She just told you one of her secrets! How is she going to help you if she doesn’t even know what you are? Sometimes he wished he could tell his mind to shut up. Though it brought up a good point, he still hadn’t told them anything about that aspect of his past.

“Kelly?” Leo inquired tentatively. It got her attention once more, her dark eyes staring at him.

“Yes? What is it, Leo?” This is it! Tell her now! He hesitated, trying to figure out what was the best way to say it.

“Kelly … I found something out about me. About my past...” he paused for a second. She seemed completely attentive, but he thought he heard a noise from elsewhere in the camp. He dismissed it. “Kelly … As unbelievable as it sounds …I am--” he stopped. He knew he heard it this time. The sound of a set of heavy footsteps. He swiftly turned around to face the intruder to their conversation.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he said as he finished twisting his body around. What he saw made the crimson drain from his scales. He expected it to be Jay, Noah, Blade, or maybe even Elliot, but not the massive, blue-scaled, reptile commander that he had a healthy fear of. Torrent didn’t seem angry, or even upset, but he gave the two smaller Pokemon a stern look nonetheless.

“T-Torrent, sir!” they both yelped as they shot to their feet.

“Well, this was not the way I expected to start off my morning. Tell me, were you two watching the sunrise as well?” the general asked as he strode between them to the center of the platform.
Perplexed at why the Feraligatr apparently brushed off his rude comment, Leo simply shrugged his shoulders and decided to answer.

“Yes, sir, we were. As well as discussing our thoughts,” Leo told the general, who nodded in reply.

“Good, good. I’m glad you both share my appreciation of this phenomenon of nature. I used to take it for granted, but after spending a week underground in a bandit’s cave you tend to find even the everyday occurrences a miracle. There was once a Grovyle I met a couple of years ago who told me that the sunrise was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen...” he recounted to them, seeming to grow silent as the upper edge of the sun broke free of the horizon’s shackles. Torrent shook his head as he found his thoughts again.

“Sorry about that. I went off on a tangent there. What I’ve been meaning to say was that I’m glad you two newcomers are up, because now you’ll see just how we get things started in the morning. Quark, get over here!” Torrent called as a bright flash of white light went off behind the general. A brown and gold-colored figure appeared floating slightly above the dirt slope. As soon as he got a glimpse of the Pokemon in the light, Leo’s eyes were immediately drawn to the creature’s large head and mustache.

“You called, general?” the strange Pokemon said, brandishing two silver spoons. Torrent nodded, affirming his order.

“Yes, I did. You two, this is Quark the Alakazam. He’s the best healer I’ve ever met, and I’ll be cursed by Kyogre if I ever find a better one. If there’s anything wrong with you, he’s the one to see,” Torrent explained as the Alakazam bowed in mid-air.

“Thank you for your comments, sir. Now, what shall it be today, sir? A shrieking Braviary’s cry as usual, or something different?” Quark asked as Torrent thought for a moment.

“How about Groudon’s roar? That one always gets the best results.” Quark acknowledged this and closed his eyes as purple waves of energy appeared around his set of utensils. Seeing Leo and Kelly’s confused looks, Torrent went on.

“In addition to being the healer, Quark is also very experienced in the art of psychic amplification in dreams. Meaning that in a few seconds...” Just as he said that, a great series of thuds, curses, and screams were heard from the opposite edge of the camp. Leo could see droves of Pokemon exiting their tents en masse. He was almost appalled and yet fascinated at how Quark woke up the camp. If he can affect dreams like that, then maybe he could figure out what’s going on in my dreams... Leo wondered as he watched the crowd of Pokemon walk, fly, and teleport their way to the mess tent to get their morning meal.

“Thank you, Quark. Go get the obstacle course ready,” Torrent ordered as the Alakazam nodded and instantly vanished in another flash of light. Alone once more, Torrent looked down at Leo and Kelly.

“Now, you two. Several crates of supplies came in during the night. They are at the north entrance of the camp. Move them to the storage area here,” he said, pointing out the places he spoke of.

“Sir?” Kelly asked. She wasn’t able to say more as the Feraligatr immediately cut her off.

“No one talks to me like that and goes unpunished! Now hop to it, you two, else breakfast will be long gone by the time you get done!” he yelled. Cursing his past choice of words, Leo and Kelly sprinted down the embankment. Half way down the short hill, he tripped on thin air, and once again acquainted his face with the gravel.

Leo knew the stinging in his face wouldn’t go away just as he knew Torrent would never let him live what he just witnessed down. Regardless of what the general now thought of him, he accepted Kelly’s paw, and hoisted himself up.

“You’re part of the king’s army now. If you want to stay here, then you better start pulling your weight!” Torrent yelled from the platform above them. Leo groaned, he knew this was going to rank among the worst days of his life.


End Chapter Eleven


Author’s Notes: Well, here’s my second chapter of the new year. I’m fairly happy at how I’ve been able to keep a decent update pace thus far, hopefully it’ll continue.

Now, the chapter itself. Well … it wasn’t too exciting for me to write either. I knew I was going to need this chapter to be more on the side of character development than plot in order to set up for future events. In fact, this entire arc will be focusing more on character development than action for the most part, I’m sorry to say. But, I promise that once I’m done with this arc, things will pick up rapidly from there.

Anyways, this is a special chapter as it’s probably going to be the last one before the one year anniversary of posting this story on Serebii. It’s been a long, yet extremely rewarding year. Once again, I’d like to thank everyone who helped mentor me while I was starting this story and everyone who continues to support me with reviews and advice. And, most importantly I’d like to thank you all, my readers, for sticking with this story. Thank you.

Until the next one,

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

T-Bolt
10th February 2013, 4:46 PM
I've been reading this fanfic since it launched I've loved it from the start.

What I like most about it though, is that it's gripping without even considering the cliffhangers.

Each time you read a chapter, your mind is filled with questions, "why is team salient being targeted?","what links the pokemon tortured by Mismagius?","WHATS GONNA HAPPEN AFTER THIS CHAPTER?". And these questions bring you back every time, and you often leave with more questions than answers.
I haven't read many PMD Fics but it seems weird to give pokemon human names. You don't have to change any names though

Knightfall
10th February 2013, 5:19 PM
Why hello, T-Bolt. You have no idea how much your comment means to me.

I try my best to create an air of mystery that surrounds the characters, the plot, and even the world they live in. The cliffhangers are just the icing on the cake, as it were.

Yep, questions, questions, and more questions. I do try to leave clues that point towards the answers, but most of these questions will be answered in due time. I'm glad that you enjoyed reading this and I hope to continue to make even better chapters.

Well, to be honest, it just seemed natural. I mean, Pokemon have developed a civilization in this world. I understand that some of the names do seem ... human, that's just a personal preference.

Thank you for your comment.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Brutaka
10th February 2013, 5:34 PM
“Listen to me, Nickolas. I know it is hard for you, but you must think about your larger family. Every citizen under your rule are your sons and daughters. You must care for them as such. Do not selfishly lose your focus on two Pokemon that Dialga has chosen to reside with him in the Hidden Land.”
Ooh, another look into PokeReligion. I must say, though I've never envisioned the Hidden Land as a sort of "Heaven" (since we've all been there and back [And there wasn't much special there]), it makes perfect sense for everyone else to think of it that way! Especially since no one could ever find it, as it's hidden between the gaps between two seconds of time.


In an instant, his mind cleared. He knew no more of the woes of his family. He could not remember his wife’s name, or even if he had a son at all. Nickolas’s memories were purged for every shred of recognition of his loved ones until nothing remained, and he was perfectly fine with it.
So Dialga mind-wiped him? Interesting.
It works, I guess.


Willing it out of its age-old position, the book flipped pages in midair as the Mismagius glanced over every second of a Wurmple’s life until it was viciously ripped apart by the beak of a hungry Swellow on its second day out from its egg.
Aw, that still makes me sad :(


Yet even over the shouts of his conscious, his ragged breathing, and the rhythmic clicking of his feet on the stone, he heard them. The sentinals.
sentinels


Nervous sweat broke out on his brow. He [/i]had[/i] heard it. The soft voice.
Woops, broken code.


“N-n-no. I-Ic—Ice! Regice!” That was the last thing Vertex heard before a low rumbling filled the room and the temperature dropped down to zero. A monumental golem floated into the room from the hallway. Its smooth, clear, faceted surface showed the pitiful reflections of the two smaller Pokemon.

“TARGETS FOUND: ROGUE EMPLOYEE NUMBER 286 AND TRAITOR UNIT 343. THANK YOU FOR ASSUMING THE SURRENDER POSITION.”
Legendaries being as rare as they are in this story (this is, what, the first one?) seeing this guy here...Well...they're out of luck, lol.


A small blue and white squirrel energetically asked Noah whom his new “friends” were before zipping off on all fours past them, not even giving Noah a chance to respond.
My life is complete. :D


“Well, I can say that I’ve had nightmares like that. It feels as if your entire being is not yours to control. Like someone or something is using you,”[/i] Leo said as he tried to relate with his teammate.
Woops, more broken code.


There was once a Grovyle I met a couple of years ago who told me that the sunrise was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen...” he recounted to them, seeming to grow silent as the upper edge of the sun broke free of the horizon’s shackles.
Have we all met this Grovyle as well? Heheheheh...

And wow, a whole year of writing...That's impressive. I have until about June for my one-year anniversary.

Though, in response to T-Bolt, my single question while reading this story is usually "Ooh, who's Mismagius gonna drive insane this time?"

Knightfall
10th February 2013, 5:49 PM
Ooh, another look into PokeReligion. I must say, though I've never envisioned the Hidden Land as a sort of "Heaven" (since we've all been there and back [And there wasn't much special there]), it makes perfect sense for everyone else to think of it that way! Especially since no one could ever find it, as it's hidden between the gaps between two seconds of time.

I always loved this area of Pokemon. There's so little established, so I can pretty much run wild with my imagination. As for the Hidden Land, it was a last minute addition. It is perfect, as it's Dialga's realm, no normal Pokemon have been there, and it's impossible to get to.



So Dialga mind-wiped him? Interesting.
It works, I guess.

Something like that...



Aw, that still makes me sad :(

It was supposed to. :D



sentinels

Woops, broken code.

Woops, more broken code.

All fixed.



Legendaries being as rare as they are in this story (this is, what, the first one?) seeing this guy here...Well...they're out of luck, lol.


Yep, this is the first appearance. And yes, they are out of luck.



My life is complete. :D

Heh, the favor you did for me back in TTL is now repaid. XD Glad you liked it.




Have we all met this Grovyle as well? Heheheheh...

He is the very same Grovyle. Torrent met him shortly before the thefts started.



And wow, a whole year of writing...That's impressive. I have until about June for my one-year anniversary.

Though, in response to T-Bolt, my single question while reading this story is usually "Ooh, who's Mismagius gonna drive insane this time?"

Yep, it's been fun, and completely rewarding. I can't believe it's been that long already.

And for this chapter, no one, actually. It's surprising, isn't it?

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Azurus
11th February 2013, 2:54 AM
Well, it's nice to know that Leo can still try to sympathize even after all that mental anguish.

Also, nice touch on having a way to wake up the camp, I imagine a gong or an alarm would alert undesirables to their presence, but a psychic sound is great to avoid that.

Looking forward to another chapter though I'm disappointed that I haven't made it to much of any of our sessions.

Knightfall
11th February 2013, 3:02 AM
Thanks for responding, man.

Well, Leo hasn't been completely desensitized yet. I mean, this are the closest beings he can call friends, so he would naturally try to help them out. My Mismagius is keeping good on his promise. He hasn't interfered much with Leo, so we'll see a slightly different side to everyone this entire arc.

Pretty cool, huh? I came up with that idea after playing some Explorers of Sky and wondering how the wake-up might be different. It works well for what they are.

We'll find the time, eventually. We'll get your own story up and running shortly, I promise.

Thanks for your review, you're timely as ever.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

JFought
13th February 2013, 5:15 AM
POOF! I'm back! To start

“Well, this was not the way I expected to start off my morning. Tell me, were you two watching the sunrise as well?” the general asked as he strode between them to the center of the platform.
(Insert Space)
Perplexed at why the Feraligatr apparently bruhed off his rude comment, Leo simply shrugged his shoulders and decided to answer.

Don't know about you, but putting a space there seems right.

As for the chapter itself, Leo was SO close! I cannot wait until Kelly and Jay find out about Leo once being human. I am skeptical about them joining the military. I'm just hoping we get to a plot twist really though, and I don't usually see plot twists in military camps.

Keep up the good work!

Knightfall
13th February 2013, 11:28 AM
Nice to see you back, man.

Hmm, I don't know. It is correct as is, but I'll see.

Ah, I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yes, their reaction is going to be interesting once they find out.
Well, then I'm going to prove your wrong, because there will be some.

Will do, thanks again for the post.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Meeker
17th February 2013, 4:35 AM
Man, this is probably my favorite fic on here. And it's the first one I read. Bonus!

Anyway, not a bad job. Most of it was practically talking, which is one of the things I'm starting to find tedious to write. But I feel that you did a good job with the talk sequence between Kelly and Leo. I look forward to more of them.

And no matter what anyone says, Noah continues to remind me of my character, Bunyip. It's like you made a less volatile Pokemon version of him, which is kind of creepy!

Still, the description is great, like always.

I look forward to more of this sadistic endeavor.

Sound
17th February 2013, 9:00 PM
Long chapter. Personally, I'm interested in seeing how Ian's and Vertex's story ties in with big picture. P.S. Anyone else catch the irony in a Porygon-2 named Vertex?


Turning himself around on the steps, Nickolas got on his knees and bowed forward, pressing his nose to the floor. It was an alien position for him, as he was accustomed to being the one on the receiving end of such actions. Taking a deep breath, the Lucario attempted to push every thought out of his head regarding his family. His wife, his father, his son, all forced from his head as he did something he hadn’t done in decade: he prayed.

Finally, turf I'm comfortable on. I really liked the set up to this, it reads so right.


In an instant, his mind cleared. He knew no more of the woes of his family. He could not remember his wife’s name, or even if he had a son at all. Nickolas’s memories were purged for every shred of recognition of his loved ones until nothing remained, and he was perfectly fine with it.

In any other work, I would suspect this was a metaphor. Only in Overthrown am I willing to take it seriously.


The blue otter seemed to have dodging punches and kicks down to a twisted science that he enjoyed a little too much; the grin on his face only reinforced that belief.

A new color to the story. I like him so far. The fight scene between him and Leo was creative, as well.

I wonder how long his sanity will last, if he still has it.


“Nice one, Leo. I’m glad you’re not the pushover you were last night time!” he taunted as he straightened up to his full height.

One extra word in there, I believe.


He said a small prayer for one night of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep, but he had little hope that it would be answered.

Ah, the prayer everyone has said once in their life.

Brutaka
17th February 2013, 9:12 PM
P.S. Anyone else catch the irony in a Porygon-2 named Vertex?

No, but youre right!
Vertex=Angle
Porygon 2 doesn't have any angles...

Knightfall
17th February 2013, 9:48 PM
Reply time!


Man, this is probably my favorite fic on here. And it's the first one I read. Bonus!

Thanks man. I really appreciate it.



Anyway, not a bad job. Most of it was practically talking, which is one of the things I'm starting to find tedious to write. But I feel that you did a good job with the talk sequence between Kelly and Leo. I look forward to more of them.

I tried my hardest to tone down the talking in this chapter, but I felt that the dialogue was needed since Ian and Vertex's parts were kept vague.
And yes, them. More of them will come.



And no matter what anyone says, Noah continues to remind me of my character, Bunyip. It's like you made a less volatile Pokemon version of him, which is kind of creepy!

Still, the description is great, like always.

I look forward to more of this sadistic endeavor.

I don't doubt you there, my friend (even though Noah was created first. XD).
Thank you, my friend. And I hope to continue to exceed expectations.


Long chapter. Personally, I'm interested in seeing how Ian's and Vertex's story ties in with big picture. P.S. Anyone else catch the irony in a Porygon-2 named Vertex?

My longest, in fact. 33 pages in Word. Sid87 hates me for it now. XD Anyways, I personally love those characters as well. More of their story will be revealed in the next chapter, but how they are involved won't be until later.
And yes, I was hoping someone caught that. Geometry taught me one useful thing and that was what a vertex was. I loved the name and it worked perfectly for the character.



Finally, turf I'm comfortable on. I really liked the set up to this, it reads so right.

Thanks, I enjoyed writing this part.



In any other work, I would suspect this was a metaphor. Only in Overthrown am I willing to take it seriously.


Yep, Overthrown is filled with all sorts of this stuff.



A new color to the story. I like him so far. The fight scene between him and Leo was creative, as well.

I wonder how long his sanity will last, if he still has it.[quote]

I've been trying my best to make Noah come off as a main character. The fight scene was really fun to write as it allowed me to explore some of Noah's complicated nature.

Hehe, you'll see. Noah is ... odd. Even in terms of this story.

[QUOTE=Sound;15715133]
One extra word in there, I believe.

Dang, I'll fix that.



Ah, the prayer everyone has said once in their life.

And one that Leo will say every night before he closes his eyes. XD

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Meeker
17th February 2013, 9:55 PM
I don't doubt you there, my friend (even though Noah was created first. XD).

Even though I had the idea for my character before I even knew about Noah! XD
Plus, Bunyip was released before Noah, if I'm not mistaken.

T-Bolt
18th February 2013, 9:48 AM
I just realised that i hadn't read the large part of the chapter on page 9

When I was reading about breloom and vertex, I was reminded about fleeing from dusknoir while playing PMD: Explorers of darkness. So hears my theory on the plot-

Dialga has gone primal again, and has sent many sentinels like Mismagius to search for the pokemon who pose a threat to him in the future (because he can see what happens in it). My guess is that someone is somehow influencing the events of the war, and that its Dialga.


I just came to this conclusion because of the references to him in the chapter, from Nikolas praying to him/her to Darney's master's ability to influence time.


Just a guess. And i know this is late, but could you add me to the PM list?

Knightfall
18th February 2013, 11:16 AM
When I was reading about breloom and vertex, I was reminded about fleeing from dusknoir while playing PMD: Explorers of darkness. So hears my theory on the plot-

Dialga has gone primal again, and has sent many sentinels like Mismagius to search for the pokemon who pose a threat to him in the future (because he can see what happens in it). My guess is that someone is somehow influencing the events of the war, and that its Dialga.

I just came to this conclusion because of the references to him in the chapter, from Nikolas praying to him/her to Darney's master's ability to influence time.


Just a guess. And i know this is late, but could you add me to the PM list?


Well, as for your theory. It's pretty interesting. And you're the only one so far to even have a theory. I'll say this: you're in the ball-park. Somewhat. Dialga is perfectly sane. That's all I'll give you. :D

And sure, I'll add you right away. Thanks for posting.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

jireh the provider
18th February 2013, 12:19 PM
“TARGETS FOUND: ROGUE EMPLOYEE NUMBER 286 AND TRAITOR UNIT 343. THANK YOU FOR ASSUMING THE SURRENDER POSITION.”


Uhh? Is this a PMD with the modern humanity weapons and culture? and your latest design banner screams math! MATH! And do you know what is my response to math and the Porygon2 with Breloom on it? Insanity!

A conversation from Madworld Wii! Please watch a playthrough of it. It is a nice inspiration to find ideas for your story. Plus, it's as deep as your story.

Kris Kreeley: For the last F*CKING time, NOBODY SAID THERE'D BE MATH!! he speaks outrageously
Howard "buckshock" Holmes: "I blame my schools!" sings with a sly.


Letting the adrenaline fueled strength take action, Leo kicked up his stumpy legs, pulled them under Noah’s body, and forced every ounce of strength into propelling his legs into the Dewott’s stomach. The otter involuntarily released his grip on Leo and sailed a several feet backwards.

Now THAT IS MARTIAL ARTS. Dewott is quite a Jerkass. Poor Riolu (what's his name again?) Just hang on? This is the chapter where the Dewott (i say it as Dee-wuht. The one with schwa.) came out?

Now comes the Bronzong. i find it hard to magine Bronzong as Lucario's ... dad? Bronzong barely has any traita that makes it a living thing. Its too figured like a bell, an inanimate object. Same for magnezone.

But I can say this. Your story's current point highly Resembles Madworld Wii and Anarchy Reigns in story and overworld terms.

I haven't been reading quite a while and lose track since I'm working on my novel while dealing with the college life. But as always, I need to read the full version of this after I graduated

Knightfall
18th February 2013, 9:30 PM
Uhh? Is this a PMD with the modern humanity weapons and culture? and your latest design banner screams math! MATH! And do you know what is my response to math and the Porygon2 with Breloom on it? Insanity!

Well, no. It does have some science and tech that are somewhat advanced for a Pokemon-only world, but nowhere near human capabilities.



Now THAT IS MARTIAL ARTS. Dewott is quite a Jerkass. Poor Riolu (what's his name again?) Just hang on? This is the chapter where the Dewott (i say it as Dee-wuht. The one with schwa.) came out?

Heh, thanks. I liked writing that scene. And yeah, he can be at times. The Riolu's name is Jay. And ummm, Noah the Dewott has been present for two chapters now.



Now comes the Bronzong. i find it hard to magine Bronzong as Lucario's ... dad? Bronzong barely has any traita that makes it a living thing. Its too figured like a bell, an inanimate object. Same for magnezone.

You're taking it too literally. Nickolas (the Lucario) is referring to Ruak (the Bronzong) as father in a religious sense. Like a priest in a church today.



I haven't been reading quite a while and lose track since I'm working on my novel while dealing with the college life. But as always, I need to read the full version of this after I graduated

Well, I'm glad you took the time to read my story and post, and good luck with your story.

Knightfall signing off... ;005;

Sidewinder
22nd February 2013, 2:24 AM
I'm here!


front of the meal line for the fourth time tonight as he got them their food.

Hah, what a glutton


Leo watched it in a tranquil trance as its golden face highlighted the shadows produced by the setting sun. His red, stumpy legs swung from the wooden bench he sat on as he watched Noah talk his way to the front of the meal line for the fourth time tonight as he got them their food.

You only said the word 'watched' once in each sentence, but I do feel like you could exchange one of them for a different, yet similar word, like gazed. It read a little odd to me, but maybe I'm just being difficult lol


“Blade? Elliot? Sonic? Is that you?” Leo asked

Damn, nicely done Leo, I even forgot their names lol. That's a funny bit you probably inadvertently put in there as well. Going from Blade, to Elliot, to Sonic. Two crazy names versus one who would fit an accountant


Flashes of spicy Cheri, sweet Pecha, and something cool he suspected to be Lum

If I'm remembering correctly, that's the same descriptions those berries have in the game. Good attention to detail sir


and said something to the Absol that made him quickly get up and leave the table.

I'd love to see how the quadrupedal Absol got up and left from the table lol


After all four Pokemon had finished rubbing the spots out of their eyes, they each climbed into one of the hanging beds. Leo was comforted when he saw that it felt just like the ones they had abruptly left back at their base. Kelly gingerly placed her forepaws into the hammock and tried to hold it steady as she jumped into it. Her bed swung wildly like an enraged Tauros as it threatened to dump Kelly back onto the ground. Wobbling on her fou