View Full Version : Arbok, Dawn, and Misty

28th February 2012, 11:43 PM
Rated PG-14 Tragedy.
If any one wants to comment on this story just send me a pm or vm.
The arbok can talk, has hypnotic powers, and is a sixty foot shiny Arbok with red scales and green spots on his hood.
Dawn and Misty are both 17.

Dawn and Misty had decided they wanted a joint pokemon adoption. The pair were sitting in Dawn’s room talking about what kind of pokemon they should adopt. Misty, although loving water types above all others still had a soft spot for the electric mouse Ash had owned
“How about a Pikachu?" She asked. "They are so cute.”
Dawn thought for a moment but shook her head. “Yeah Pikachu’s are cute, but I was thinking more along the lines of a snake pokemon, like Ekans or Arbok.” Her eyes gleamed a little as she spoke. It was something she'd been thinking about for a while. Misty wasn't so sure. Dawn wasn't with the gang when Jessie had her Arbok so Dawn wouldn't know what the cobra pokemon represented to them. She was afraid. Misty looked at her belt holding Gyarados, another serpent like pokemon she'd once feared. Misty knew that she should get over her fears of all pokemon and the way she'd done so with Gyarados was to own one so it made sense to do the same thing now.
“That sounds cool lets adopt an Arbok!” She said a little too excitedly to cover her nervousness
“Yeah I hear they are really cool.” Dawn said as she clapped her hands together.
“OK lets adopt an ARBOK!!!!” The girls said in unison.
So the Girls drove the 10 and a half miles to the pokemon adoption agency so that they can adopt an Arbok. The agency was a large facility but still managed to feel cramped. It was dark and a little damp in places. Misty was that's where the tanks of water pokemon had leaked but not been cleared up. When the girls arrived at the main reception there was a man in the basic blue uniform of the agency sitting behind the desk he was speaking on the phone about some sort of Rattata problem. When he noticed the girls he ended the conversation and leaned over the desk expectantly.
“Hello do you have any Arbok that can be adopted?” Dawn asked.
“Well hello there you're looking for an Arbok.” He seemed a little surprised in the choice for the pair.
“Yes sir we want to adopt one. Do you have any?” Misty asked.
The manager paused. “I don't think so unless.. let me look in the back.” With that he exited the room.
A few minutes later the manager came back with a pokeball. “Now, girls this is the only one I've got. It's very rare, odd colouring and massive size. It's not going to be cheep to buy or easy to raise at that. Are you sure want this?" What the manager told them just seemed to raise Dawn's excitement. Misty was getting more and more nervous but her pride would be hurt if she pulled out so both girls nodded. "Then this Arbok is yours for 200 pokedollars."
“But we only have 150 pokedollars" Dawn said as she rummaged through her pockets. She turned to her friend. "Misty, we won’t be able to adopt him.” Unsure if she was relived or disappointed Misty just muttered a quick 'oh'. Dawn was very clearly upset and the manager saw it. Most trainers wanted a young or strong pokemon so Arbok wasn't a best seller and it was clear that the girl had her heart set on it. Taking pity he came up with a new deal
“I know I’ll give him to you for 1 hundred, and you can buy supplies with the extra 50 pokedollars.”
"Really?" Dawn asked.
"Yeah." The manager replied.
"Isn't this great Misty?" Dawn asked her friend.
"That's very kind of you sir. Thank you." Misty addressed the manager and grasped the pokeball.

So Dawn and Misty were able to adopt the red Arbok. They took him home and let him Explore for a while. The Arbok was slithering up a tree when Dawn's mother walked out of the house.
"Oh my." She gawped at the massive serpent. “Dawn what is this huge Arbok doing here?”
"Well you and Misty’s mom said we can adopt a pokemon, and we choose this red Arbok." Dawn casually replied. "Isn't he cool, Mom?"
Dawn’s Mother sighed. "I wasn't expecting anything this big but we agreed. OK but I’m not cleaning up after him, young lady that is your responsibility.”
“No need to worry, mom. I understand. We're going to take great care of our new friend right Misty?” Dawn asked.
Misty was still trying to take in the size of the Arbok but nodded in agreement, she'd do her best with this Arbok, it's not like it was a horrible bug pokemon or anything.

End of Chapter 1

29th February 2012, 12:04 AM
good story! i know im supposed to pm but,

two girls one tentacle!

29th February 2012, 12:37 AM
Oh great, this again. Not that it's bad, but formatting and grammar is pretty bad.

Seriously, there needs to be double spacing, as all fanfics do that. Also, commas. Do you know what they are? There's a few spaces where there could be commas, but I'm not going to show them because of my laziness.

Overall, a good concept for a tragedy but poorly executed. Hopefully a Physic doesn't ban you like she did say last fanfic you tried to make, because I kinda want to see one of these be a good one-shot. Or story.


29th February 2012, 12:48 AM
This time, I think with spacing this is more than two pages. But then I'm not a vore fan... :o

The Great Butler
29th February 2012, 1:07 AM
Again? Fine, I'll have a go at it.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to be as blunt as Psychic was last time. This is not good on any level.

First of all, it seems from the beginning of this one (and the last two times you tried to post this exact same story) that you are trying to write some kind of creature-feature horror story. That's fine, but in only your first few lines, you misrate it (PG-14 is not enough to do this properly unless you are a master at writing horror) and then ruin any horror value the story could have by informing us of all of the Arbok's powers immediately.

Good horror needs to play upon the reader's shock and dread as things develop. For an example, I point you to one of my favorite horror films - The Fly starring Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. If you have not seen the film, the basic concept is that Goldblum's character, a mad scientist, has created a pair of teleportation pods that will revolutionize mankind. After a fight with his girlfriend (Davis) he teleports himself, but fails to notice a housefly in the pod; as a result, he begins undergoing a series of transformations into a giant, man-size fly. The horror here is effective because it plays upon a mortal fear of most people while delivering a slow drip of events that get worse every time you think it can't. You clearly are trying to seize upon these elements, but by telling us everything about the device that will create the horror - the Arbok - upfront, you pretty much ruin all potential horror value.

The only way to save it, at this point, is to have a strong plot carrying the gimped horror along. That is not present either. There is no explained reason why Misty and Dawn are together, no real reason for them to be adopting a Pokémon, definitely no reason for it to be an Arbok, and absolutely no attempt to explain the Arbok's powers, which needs to happen if you're going to tell us it has them upfront. All of these events, because they lack any kind of logic or reason, come off as extremely contrived coincidences to force something to happen. What is that something?

I'm sorry, but I am going to be unusually blunt here - what this is is a poorly written, misrated and miscatagorized collection of incredibly contrived circumstances designed to force a veil of fake horror to cover what the real point of this is, which is simply that you really, really want to write a snuff fic about teenage girls being tortured and eaten by mutant telepathic snakes. Which you've already been told twice is not allowed here.

Please, for everyone's sake, at least try to learn how to write a proper horror story if you decide to do this a fourth time.

JX Valentine
29th February 2012, 1:43 AM
Thing is, I feel like he's trying to write basic fetish fic -- vore, specifically -- which typically is substandard because fetish fic has the unfortunate habit of forgoing quality for turn-ons. (Don't... ask how I know that.) That of course doesn't excuse the quality of the fic or the fact that considering it to be written specifically to pander to a fetish makes it even less appropriate for this forum, but I just felt like coming right out and saying that, yes, Brisingr, someone in your audience knows what you're trying to do here. Furthermore, I would highly suggest trying deviantART for this kind of thing because vore unfortunately doesn't float everyone's boats, but dA at least has a well-established community of people who are into that kind of thing. You'll most likely get the reception you're looking for by catering to them instead.

However, if you're really set on impressing anyone on a forum-based medium (read: places like this, PC, Bulbagarden, and so forth) outside of your friends list, let me just lay it out for you. On the one hand, I give you credit for improving a bit since your last attempts. This isn't script fic anymore; rather, you understand that a story needs to be more than dialogue. On the other hand, I also agree that I'm having difficulties getting through it due to a lack of visible paragraph breaks and proofreading. There were a lot of simple errors (like lack of periods, random capitalization, and so forth) that could easily be cleaned up by a good read-through after you're done writing.

As for the story, here's what never really sat well with me when it came to fetish fic. Sometimes, the story wouldn't make sense, just so the scene could be set quickly to cut right to the act you're most interested in. In this case, both Dawn and Misty have Pokémon of their own. Why are they seeking to adopt one together? Why are they living together in the first place? Why, if Dawn was looking for a serpentine Pokémon, wouldn't Misty's Gyarados be enough? Fetish fic assumes that the reader doesn't really care about those details because the whole shebang's all about the fetish in question, but every other fic does care about those details because the whole shebang is about the story. In other words, if we were all into vore, we really wouldn't care either way about these questions. However, because we aren't and because we're here to read pretty standard fanfiction, we're wondering because the story seems a little hard to swallow (excuse the pun). We have difficulty buying it or believing it, basically.

The description, meanwhile, was okay, but the pacing... not so sure. It seems to be going a bit quickly. For example, the manager leaves the room in one line and comes back literally in the next sentence. Dawn and Misty don't really do much of anything in the interim. No talking, no looking around, no discussing of anything. The same could be said of the scene in general. You have them walking around and then talking to the manager, but we don't really see things like Misty thinking about adopting an Arbok or whether or not she's having second thoughts. We don't really see her talking about Jessie's to Dawn. We don't really see her (or Dawn) do anything. She's just sort of there, which means we can't really get into her head and figure out what she's like as a character. So she ends up seeming rather flat because the fic isn't really doing much to show her act and react to things. Same could be said of Dawn, whose entire personality seems to be composed of "really wants an Arbok." It's sort of like you have a storyline in your head, and the characters aren't allowed to act outside of that. That creates wooden personalities, which makes it difficult to get into the story because we don't really expect too much from these characters except that they'll eventually get swallowed and satisfy vore fans' kinks.

In short, it's an improvement from the last time around, and it's very clear that you wrote this as a vore fetish fic. However, there's still a lot that could be done to improve it as a fic for the general public, and a lot of the solution is basically slowing down, being more careful with your characters, and proofreading a bit more.

Good luck!

The Great Butler
29th February 2012, 2:20 AM
Thing is, I feel like he's trying to write basic fetish fic -- vore, specifically --

I agree with everything else you've said, but I do want to say something on this point.

You are right, he is trying to write a vore fetish fic. I was approaching it differently; as a subgenre rather than a genre all its own, because I've seen my own share of things I probably should have been horrified by but ... weren't, so I get where he's coming from. I always treated it as a sort of catharsis.

What bothers me about this case is the length he's going to to hide what this story is. If this was pure Fetish Fuel, why mark it as a tragedy fic? I started to think that maybe he is doing this as catharsis for a mortal fear of snakes, but if that was the case, why would he be throwing in the hypnosis and degradation torture, which is nothing but Fetish Fuel?

I kind of feel bad for him now. By marching up and simply dumping this story with only slight changes the second time (and some cast changes from the Seviper story) with a completely incorrect genre on it, it just looks like he's trying to hide what he's doing. If this is indeed a fap fic, I would at least respect him for having the cavalier attitude to say so upfront, but if it's meant to be his methods of catharsis for something, he really needs to explain why there are blatant fetishes in it, because I just don't get it.

That's what bothers me about this. It really looks like he's trying to conceal one meaning under another.

29th February 2012, 2:21 AM
I think the story lacks a lot of things, and I couldn't get into it's atmosphere or descriptions. I think the posts above have already mentioned what other people would probably say, so my post won't be as long. I do really think that there's a lack of inspiration on this fic, my advice would be to read books and fics and also read what other people say about them.

JX Valentine
29th February 2012, 3:00 AM
What bothers me about this case is the length he's going to to hide what this story is. If this was pure Fetish Fuel, why mark it as a tragedy fic?

To get crap past the radar. ;)

Think about it like this. Basically, he's attempting to post a vore fetish fic on a general audience fanfiction board. General audiences might not understand what vore is, so instead of treat the subject head-on, he's trying to go for the simplest way to market it possible. People who are vore fanatics might be able to see it for what it actually is and appreciate it for the vore, but I get the feeling that he's hoping that people who aren't would be able to appreciate it as "oh no two main characters get eaten that's so sad." Even if he's actually catering to the vore audience. In other words, it's just easier to market a vore fic if you attempt to pass it off as something that would match the predicted reaction of the audience.

In other words, vore fetishists see characters being eaten as a turn-on, but everyone else would naturally see it as a character death (ergo, tragedy). My guess is that Brisingr is attempting to market it towards a general audience in order to post a fetish fic in plain sight.

Now, as for why he has to jump through hoops to post a fetish fic, it's because it's a fetish fic. Even if characters aren't exactly engaging in anything explicit, there's still a stigma about posting it in a community that's not geared towards getting your kicks, if you know what I mean. Not to mention vore and other "non-traditional" fetishes generally carry the same reputations as the furry community. Coming out and saying you're into that kind of thing just gets you weird looks at best and outright flames at the worst. On that level, I can understand why Brisingr would be cautious: because if he's well-versed in how the internet works, he already knows how much crap people give the fetishists of the quirkier kinks. On the other hand, judging by the fact that this isn't the only community or the only time he's posted this fic, I can tell he's looking for approval. So, the whole tragedy thing is just a way to get away with posting something he happens to like writing (if you know what I mean) while not getting that much slack about what it actually is.

(But of course, I'm not Brisngr, and all of this is pretty much a guess. *shrug* I'm just saying that it could actually be pretty easily explained, assuming he's not new to the internet or the vore fetish/fetish fic concept.)

29th February 2012, 5:11 AM
Jax pretty much hit the nail on the head (as usual).

It was the same deal with that guy who kept posting Misty diaper porn years ago. It's pretty clear when people just write a fic for their fetish, and often, as is BrisingrFireSword's case, they either don't know where to go to post their stuff, or hope that people will just enjoy the fic and not notice the writer reveling in their fetish, or enjoy the fetish bit if they're into that. But calling this a tragedy does not change was it is at its most basic level.

I can't speak for the entire community, but I don't care what you're into, as long as it isn't posted here. SPPf, and most other mainstream Pokemon boards, are kid-friendly. That's why we have the rating system and a strict no-sex rule for our fics (and this isn't a rule we can change, mind you). It's not about being biased against kinks and fetishes - like I said, what you like doesn't affect us. But we don't allow mainstream/"normal" sexual content either, so banning fetishes simply follows.

That said, BrisingrFireSword apologized to me for this, and I am expecting this to be the last of it, considering I've given enough warnings. I'm glad to see the writing has improved, but the don't-post-fics-about-snakes-eating-people part isn't changing, whatever you label you put on it.