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Dnooage
10th March 2012, 9:18 AM
*Hello, I'm going to starting writing fics mostly to express myself and work on my grammar and wrting so constructive criticism is wanted. I'll be doing some one-shots like this one until I reveal my fic I'm working on*


Musharna & Hypno’s House

“Honey, I’m home!” Hypno exclaimed as he walked into his cave like home.

The large yellow bi-pedal Pokémon scratched its large protruding nose as he looked to the back of his floating wife, a pink and purple tinted tapir like Pokémon, a Musharna.

“I said, honey, I’m home,” he said spreading his arms out like he was ready to receive a hug.

“Your late,” she replied with a tone of disgust, she not moving a muscle.

Hypno’s mouth fell open as she continued over a makeshift stove, herbs and spices floating around her in a soft purple glow under the control of you psionic powers.

“Not this again!” he yelled throwing his arms up in anger.

“Do not yell! You will wake up the kids,” she said quickly flipping around “and do not start with me, I’ve had a bad day,” she yelled ignoring her own request.

“You! Had a bad day?” Hypno said marching toward his wife “I’ve been the one eating dreams all day!”

“Do you know how far it takes to get to a city with enough people since we moved here to be closer to YOUR mom?”

“Oh so now it’s my fault”

“Well it sure wasn’t my idea!”

“Mom, dad, what’s going on?” a small drowzee said walking out from the hall, rubbing its sleepy eyes.

“You see, you woke up one of the kids,” Musharna said shooting an evil eye at her husband.

She floated to her son, “It’s ok, me and your DAD were just acting, “ she said patting his head.

“Yes your mom was the female snubull,” he said slyly.

Musharna turned beet red.

“Were you mom,” the young Hypno asked.

Musharna bit her tongue, “Yes…yes honey, and now go back to bed.”

“But I’m not sleepy,” he whined.

“Son look at me,” Hypno said as he appeared in front of his son, his pendulum swinging.

Their son collapsed onto the floor asleep in a tangled heap.

Musharna gasped “I said no hypnosis on the kids!” she said angrily peering at her husband.

Hypno yawned, “When’s dinner?”

“Dinner….dinner? Musharna angrily let out as she puffed up and floated toward her husband.

“I’ll give you dinner! Female snubll style!”

Musharna eyes turned purple as any loose item in the house began to have a soft purple glow.

“Now honey,” Hypno said as he slowly backed up.

“RWAAAAR!” Murasha screamed.

The items began the cyclone around the house, vegetables, herbs, tables and rocks. The items battered her husband sending him into the nearby wall.

“I’m the rap snubull nightmare!” she screamed as a pink smoke from a hole in her head was sucked into the cyclone of energy filling the room.

Her son’s nightmares began to fill the room, seemingly alive. Dark faceless creatures with piercing red eyes, long dark black claws for hands and no feet. The creatures looked at her husband in unison and dashed toward him. They slipped through his body, into his ears and into his mind.

The cyclone began to increase in force, a table crashing through the wall. A white flash filled the room and the items dropped onto the ground.

Hypno lay frozen on the ground, its eyes pure white. Mursraha telekinetically lifted a shovel off the ground and dug a hole. She headbutted her husband’s body into the hole and quickly filled it.

“Oomph,” her son said waking up.

“Honey our you alright?” Musharna gently said floating to her son.

“Yes uh…what happened?”

“Your dad left honeypot,” she said in a monotone voice.

“That’s the third dad that left, was it because I woke up?” he asked innocently.

“No honey, he wasn’t right for us. Now go clean up and invite that Hypno from the market for dinner, he seemed nice didn’t he?”

“Yes mama, is he going to be our new dad?”

“Let’s hope so little one, let’s hope so.”

Scaldaver
10th March 2012, 2:09 PM
“Your late,” she replied with a tone of disgust, she not moving a muscle.



You are is you're, not your. Also, 'she not moving a muscle' seems a bit jarring. I think you can remove the she altogether.




“You! Had a bad day?” Hypno said marching toward his wife “I’ve been the one eating dreams all day!”



I believe it should be "You?" at the neggining there, as it links more with the next sentence.




She floated to her son, “It’s ok, me and your DAD were just acting, “ she said patting his head.


Your dad and I. As well as this, 'ok' is not really a word, it is 'okay'




“Yes your mom was the female snubull,” he said slyly.

Musharna turned beet red.

“Were you mom,” the young Hypno asked.

Musharna bit her tongue, “Yes…yes honey, and now go back to bed.”


I have no idea what the snubull talk is about. Also, it should be "Were you, mom?" the young Hypno asked. Also, instead of young Hypno, why not young Drowzee?




“But I’m not sleepy,” he whined.

“Son look at me,” Hypno said as he appeared in front of his son, his pendulum swinging.

Their son collapsed onto the floor asleep in a tangled heap.

Musharna gasped “I said no hypnosis on the kids!” she said angrily peering at her husband.


I love this bit, although the last line should be - Musharna gasped. "I said no hypnosis ... with the period after gasped.




Hypno yawned, “When’s dinner?”

“Dinner….dinner? Musharna angrily let out as she puffed up and floated toward her husband.

“I’ll give you dinner! Female snubll style!”


Misspelling of snubull, and the two things Musharna says should be on the same line.




“I’m the rap snubull nightmare!” she screamed as a pink smoke from a hole in her head was sucked into the cyclone of energy filling the room.


I have no idea what Musharna says means.



The cyclone began to increase in force, a table crashing through the wall. A white flash filled the room and the items dropped onto the ground.

Hypno lay frozen on the ground, its eyes pure white. Mursraha telekinetically lifted a shovel off the ground and dug a hole. She headbutted her husband’s body into the hole and quickly filled it.


What move was that Musharna used? It seems to awesome for a Musharna, and why didn't Hypno fight back? You could also give a time reference, as making a hole must take some time to complete, as well as filling it.



“Honey our you alright?” Musharna gently said floating to her son.



"Honey, are you alright?" Musharna said gently, floating [B]over[B] to her son.



“Your dad left honeypot,” she said in a monotone voice.


The word 'voice' is unnecessary, as monotone infers voice.

Apart from these minor mistakes (which only require more thought and proofreading) I really liked this, and laughed at some points. I can't wait for the full fanfic you come out with.

jireh the provider
12th March 2012, 7:08 PM
Whoa. Is it dream shipping?
These two give me shudders

Astinus
12th March 2012, 11:14 PM
In an effort to be more active here, I decided to take a look at your story. It's great to see someone so willing to accept constructive criticism. I hope my advice will help you.

I'll go through your story, correcting the grammar and explaining why the changes were made. I'll also explain other things about writing where I can see where some improvements are possible.


Musharna & Hypno’s House
Instead of saying where the story is taking place like this, include it in the story's narration. Say something along the lines of "After a long day at work, Hypno walked up the path to his home. He couldn't walk in. Musharna would be waiting, a warm greeting ready for her husband."


“Honey, I’m home!” Hypno exclaimed as he walked into his cave-like home.
"Cave-like" is hyphenated because that's how you're describing the house. Otherwise, the sentence doesn't make much sentence.


The large yellow bi-pedal Pokémon scratched its large protruding nose as he looked to the back of his floating wife, a pink-and-purple-tinted tapir-like Pokémon, a Musharna.
The "its" between "scratched" and "large" should actually be a "he" since we know Hypno is male. You'll want to read over your story before you post it to find any mistakes like this.


“You're late,” she replied with a tone of disgust, she not moving a muscle.
"Your" is the possessive ("your story", "your bike") while "you're" is the contraction of "you are." A hint to remember the difference is to read the sentence using "you are." If the sentence makes sense - "You are late" - then you want "you're." Otherwise, you need "your."

And yes, "she not moving a muscle" doesn't make sense. If you take out the "she" then it'll work.

Also, I have to compliment you on knowing how to punctuate dialogue! That's a difficult part of grammar to learn.


Hypno’s mouth fell open as she continued over a makeshift stove, herbs and spices floating around her in a soft purple glow under the control of you psionic powers.
That bolded "you" should be "her."



“Not this again!” he yelled, throwing his arms up in anger.
Need a comma after "yelled". I'll link you to a guide on commas. (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/)



“Do not yell! You will wake up the kids,” she said quickly flipping around “and do not start with me, I’ve had a bad day,” she yelled ignoring her own request.
You can either:

-add a comma after "around" and an exclamation mark after "day", then remove "she yelled, ignoring her own request"

-start "and do not start with me" as its own sentence and change "she said, quickly flipping around" to "she quickly flipped around".


“You! Had a bad day?” Hypno said marching toward his wife “I’ve been the one eating dreams all day!”
Missing the full stop after "wife." Little typos like these could be caught with a read-over.

I'm going to stop pointing out every little typo like this. You'll be able to spot them yourself if you read over your story.


“Mom, dad, what’s going on?” a small drowzee said walking out from the hall, rubbing its sleepy eyes.
When used in place of his name "Dad" is capitalized.

And you also use "its" in reference to the son when the characters know he's a boy.


“It’s ok, me and your DAD were just acting, “
Nothing wrong with this. Just advising not to make your characters' dialogue grammatically correct. When talking, people tend to be less formal, using the wrong grammar or particular sayings. If you write your characters the same way, they'll be much more realistic to your readers, which is always a good thing.


“Yes your mom was the female snubull,” he said slyly.
Clever.

I would have liked to see more description of Musharna's attack. It's the exciting part of your story.

Still, this was a cute (and frightening, if this is the third Hypno this family has gone through!) and fun story. Definitely keep writing! I hope to see more from you.

Let me know if you have any questions about any parts of my review. I haven't done this in a long time, so I'm rather out-of-practice.