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AlexandriaTheMixed
11th March 2012, 10:20 PM
Hi guys. Here with my first fanfic. After reading the rating scale I'm going to give this a PG-13. Hope you like it. (:

Prolouge

Pokemon language is Italicized.
Now it should be more clear who is talking.

“Ahhh. Dumb rock. I hate the logic in this world. Why can’t I just smash this rock with a hammer. I’m pretty strong ya know.” Maxwell though to himself. “At any rate, I better send out Golem.”

“Aaaaruuuhhhhhh!”

“Hey buddy. Can you use Rock Smash on those rocks? We’re almost out of the cave, and then we can rest.”

“Aaaaruuuuu!” Golem agreed and did what he was asked to do.

The ground started shaking. Rocks begin falling from the cave. Multiple Zubat and Golbat starting flying and screeching. “Golem! Get back! We have to go! The cave is collapsing!” Maxwell summoned Golem back and begin running. He saw a small light coming from an exit. He ran towards, he ran his heart out, he really did. Before he got to the exit a boulder had hit him in the shoulder knocking him unconscious.

“…Bob..” Maxwell’s mother said in a mood, that just stopped everything all together. “..I-I-I just got a call from the Nurse Joy at the Pokémon League. There’s been an accident.”

“What’s going on honey? Is something wrong?” Her Husband murmured.

“Ma-Maxwell. He was traveling to the Pokémon league. There was an accident. They can’t find him. Bob what if--”

Bob interrupted his wife “No. Janet he’s fine. I mean, hundreds of trainers use that pass everyday. Out of all people, it couldn’t be our son.”

Janet called her son. For four days straight. “Hello?” someone had answered.

“Maxwell! My dear boy, you’re okay!”

“…” There was a silence from the person on the other side of the line. “Ma’am. Th-this isn’t your son. I am a debris cleaner, and manager. We are cleaning the wreck age from the victory road.” There was no response for thirty seconds. “Ma’am?” The worker said concerned. Maxwell’s mother had hung up without responding.
Edit:

Pokemon language is Italicized.
Now it should be more clear who is talking.

cooloolcool
11th March 2012, 10:24 PM
This could be interesting. A bit short though.

AlexandriaTheMixed
11th March 2012, 10:35 PM
It was only the prolouge. I am currently writing chapter one. But thanks for the feed back. (:

Jonah the Slaking
11th March 2012, 11:02 PM
This definitely could go somewhere, but it would be better if you went into more detail. When the chapters are posted, make sure you don't cut it too short. Also, this is a journey fic, so it needs to have some crazy gimmick to it or I think the mods might close it. But I'm not sure.

Kutie Pie
11th March 2012, 11:38 PM
Uh, no. You broke quite a few rules here.

First off, the prologue is WAAAAAAAAY too short. It's not even a page long. A prologue can be posted separately if it's a page or more long, otherwise post it with the first chapter which needs to be at least two pages.

Second, there's this:




Makyla (Meh-k-eye-la) was a small girl.

The pronunciation guide needs to be in the author's note, not in the story itself.

While there's not many grammar mistakes, and there are no spelling errors, this is too short and too brief. This could have had more to it. Don't tell us what happened, SHOW us what happened. The prologue would be way more than two pages if you would have just shown us what happened in the prologue. We want a story to be told, but we also want to see it.

I suggest rewriting the prologue, or better yet, post the first chapter along with the prologue. Because standard-wise, it's not a story, it's a summary. We don't want a summary telling us what it's about.

AlexandriaTheMixed
12th March 2012, 12:09 AM
Uh, no. You broke quite a few rules here.

First off, the prologue is WAAAAAAAAY too short. It's not even a page long. A prologue can be posted separately if it's a page or more long, otherwise post it with the first chapter which needs to be at least two pages.

Second, there's this:



The pronunciation guide needs to be in the author's note, not in the story itself.

While there's not many grammar mistakes, and there are no spelling errors, this is too short and too brief. This could have had more to it. Don't tell us what happened, SHOW us what happened. The prologue would be way more than two pages if you would have just shown us what happened in the prologue. We want a story to be told, but we also want to see it.

I suggest rewriting the prologue, or better yet, post the first chapter along with the prologue. Because standard-wise, it's not a story, it's a summary. We don't want a summary telling us what it's about.

Okay. Will do. I did read the fanfic rules, but I guess I forgot about the prolouge having to be more visual. I'll re-write it and edit it where the first one is. Thank you.

Clare
12th March 2012, 3:53 PM
This does seem to have potential and at least you're willing to take Kutie Pie's advice. Some first-time authors take it really badly when they're told their writing needs improving, breaks the rules of the site where they've posted it . . . etc and either whine at the reviewers for being "mean" or give up on writing altogether.

As for the paragraph you called a prologue, I would suggest you try to expand on what you wrote. A prologue is not just a summary of what's going to happen in the story. Talking of which, I would also suggest that, instead of telling the main character's whole life history in one go, you scatter fragments of information throughout the story as and when they become relevant. Revealing too much about a character too soon is known as "info dumping" and is regarded as bad practice. And you might want to read Advice For Aspiring Authors as well.

And, Jonah the Great, there's no rule against journey fics, so, provided a story didn't break any other rules, the mods wouldn't be able to lock it just for being a journey fic.

Sidewinder
12th March 2012, 5:33 PM
I agree with Clare, and Kutie Pie.

Info dumping is something you're always going to want to stay away from. Introduce your characters gradually. Only you have them completely formed in your head. By introducing them more slowly and naturally, you let the reader make their own suppositions. The readers being able to imagine it in their head makes the story alot more fun, and memorable.

The size of the prologue also left something to be desired. Like it was said above, you might read the Advice for Aspiring Author's thread, it may be of some use to you. It has always been my understanding that a prologue is meant to bait me, to make me eager for the next installment. Your prologue just did not do that for me.

If you take the advice given to you by those who have been posting, I'm sure you'll do great. I'll keep my eye open for the first chapter.

AlexandriaTheMixed
13th March 2012, 1:44 PM
This does seem to have potential and at least you're willing to take Kutie Pie's advice. Some first-time authors take it really badly when they're told their writing needs improving, breaks the rules of the site where they've posted it . . . etc and either whine at the reviewers for being "mean" or give up on writing altogether.

As for the paragraph you called a prologue, I would suggest you try to expand on what you wrote. A prologue is not just a summary of what's going to happen in the story. Talking of which, I would also suggest that, instead of telling the main character's whole life history in one go, you scatter fragments of information throughout the story as and when they become relevant. Revealing too much about a character too soon is known as "info dumping" and is regarded as bad practice. And you might want to read Advice For Aspiring Authors as well.

And, Jonah the Great, there's no rule against journey fics, so, provided a story didn't break any other rules, the mods wouldn't be able to lock it just for being a journey fic.

I could never be offended. No ones trying to harm me. Only help. How can I be mad at help?


I agree with Clare, and Kutie Pie.

Info dumping is something you're always going to want to stay away from. Introduce your characters gradually. Only you have them completely formed in your head. By introducing them more slowly and naturally, you let the reader make their own suppositions. The readers being able to imagine it in their head makes the story alot more fun, and memorable.

The size of the prologue also left something to be desired. Like it was said above, you might read the Advice for Aspiring Author's thread, it may be of some use to you. It has always been my understanding that a prologue is meant to bait me, to make me eager for the next installment. Your prologue just did not do that for me.

If you take the advice given to you by those who have been posting, I'm sure you'll do great. I'll keep my eye open for the first chapter.
Well, I just edited the Prolouge. Tell me if it's fine.

Kutie Pie
13th March 2012, 3:24 PM
Well, at least it's not a single paragraph anymore, but it's still not that great a prologue. It's still too brief, there's barely any description, the time transitions are bad, the characters don't show any proper emotion... yeah, it still needs work. It looks like it's a page long, but it's still too short.

And of course, the way you're introducing these characters is bland. Where the heck is Maxwell supposed to be anyway? You say he's traveling to the Pokémon League, so is it Victory Road? You weren't very clear until after the phone call. Why was there an accident? Golem just uses Rock Smash and a rock slide happens. How come this never happened to any other trainer? How long was it until the body was found? Was it really four days? Who found it? The manager, Nurse Joy, another trainer, who? What's the region? They all have a Victory Road and Pokémon League. Why is Bob so stupidly ignorant/optimistic/careless about what he said to his wife? She told him there was an accident in Victory Road where his son is, he should be worried. Why did Janet call for four days straight? Why didn't she rush over to the Pokémon League to go see if her son was okay in person?

All these questions and much, much more need to be processed and answered during the making of chapters. Think of the plotholes you can accidentally make if you aren't careful in how you write. This is why description and "show, not tell" come in handy. Don't be afraid to go over your desired page limit, the more the better.

So I suggest going back and rework the prologue again. I don't want a great description about Maxwell since I know he's going to die in the prologue, but I do want to have an understanding of the scene. Don't even describe the parents to full detail either. Secondary characters, while they are important to the flow of the story, don't need a lot of proper detail like the main characters do. But that doesn't mean you should describe every little detail either, because costume porn is a no-no.

Got it? I'm just grateful you're taking our advice, not a lot of new writers do that as willing as you are right now, and it's as frustrating as you think. So thanks for cooperating.

AlexandriaTheMixed
13th March 2012, 9:01 PM
Well, at least it's not a single paragraph anymore, but it's still not that great a prologue. It's still too brief, there's barely any description, the time transitions are bad, the characters don't show any proper emotion... yeah, it still needs work. It looks like it's a page long, but it's still too short.

And of course, the way you're introducing these characters is bland. Where the heck is Maxwell supposed to be anyway? You say he's traveling to the Pokémon League, so is it Victory Road? You weren't very clear until after the phone call. Why was there an accident? Golem just uses Rock Smash and a rock slide happens. How come this never happened to any other trainer? How long was it until the body was found? Was it really four days? Who found it? The manager, Nurse Joy, another trainer, who? What's the region? They all have a Victory Road and Pokémon League. Why is Bob so stupidly ignorant/optimistic/careless about what he said to his wife? She told him there was an accident in Victory Road where his son is, he should be worried. Why did Janet call for four days straight? Why didn't she rush over to the Pokémon League to go see if her son was okay in person?

All these questions and much, much more need to be processed and answered during the making of chapters. Think of the plotholes you can accidentally make if you aren't careful in how you write. This is why description and "show, not tell" come in handy. Don't be afraid to go over your desired page limit, the more the better.

So I suggest going back and rework the prologue again. I don't want a great description about Maxwell since I know he's going to die in the prologue, but I do want to have an understanding of the scene. Don't even describe the parents to full detail either. Secondary characters, while they are important to the flow of the story, don't need a lot of proper detail like the main characters do. But that doesn't mean you should describe every little detail either, because costume porn is a no-no.

Got it? I'm just grateful you're taking our advice, not a lot of new writers do that as willing as you are right now, and it's as frustrating as you think. So thanks for cooperating.

While re-writing it for a third time I noticed what you meant. It did seem really bland. Granted, I wrote it at 3 A.M.

Superpower Emboar
24th March 2012, 2:06 AM
Well i didn't see the first two drafts of the prologue, but I did enjoy this to an extent. I just want to know what happened to Maxwell, and why his Mother decided to hang up so quickly after only learning of the collapse. Im mostly posting to bookmark, dont be disheartened by any of the criticizm. one of my friends was and practically gave up writing, i think this has potential so i will follow it for a while.

Keep up the great work!