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Interrupt
13th March 2012, 11:33 PM
Hi! You've heard of Shadow Pokémon, right? This is a short fanfic based around Shadow Pokémon.However, I've never played Pokémon XD (Pfft, EX. My brother thinks it's so funny when he makes me look stupidhttp://www.serebiiforums.com/editpost.php?do=updatepost&postid=14294480.), so I don't know 100% how they work. I hope this doesn't effect the story. :S It is the tale of a young fourteen-year-old named Ken living in Celadon who learns of an evil corporation that is plotting to take over the government!

Chapter 1
------------------------------
6:30 AM

"Good morning, Ken! Wake up! Time to pick out your new best friend!"

6:35 AM

"Ken, I'm serious! Get up!"

6:40 AM

"Ugh, I give up."

7:30 AM

"Hey Ken, are you going to get up today or tomorrow?"
--------------------
Ken awoke. He removed the bed sheets from on top of him and got up. He looked at his Poké-clock with a shock and realized the time, 7:30 AM.

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Mom, why didn't you wake me up??"

"Are you deaf, boy? I must've tried about ten times!" But Ken couldn't hear her. He was too busy getting dressed and screaming. As soon as he was done dressing, he grabbed some yoghurt, some ketchup (Yes, ketchup. This is important.) and his Pokémon Trainerpack he got when he was six and dashed off to Saffron.
But not before his mother could stall him three times, of course.

Saffron is only about three miles away from the edge of Celadon, not a far walk for someone as fit as Ken. Trainercon, the event Ken had arranged to go to, was the bottom three floors of Silph Co. Ken walked around the very noisy building until he found the "Absolute Beginner" booth. There he found an elderly Professor Oak with a plethora of beginner-optimized Pokémon. Oak handed Ken a personality sheet, which Ken happily filled out. Ken gave the sheet back to Oak, which led to Oak saying, "Oh! It seems you're the Pikachu type. Unfortunately, I'm all out of them. The catchers couldn't get as many as planned. Well, that's all you can expect from them lousy contracters. Slippery, timid little things, those Pokeymans! I'm off to take a nap, now. If the young'uns and whippersnappers need anything, just wake me up." For some reason, Ken wondered if that was what he told everyone.

Ken was about to leave disappointedly when a Pokéball hit Oak in the head and broke.
"Some Pokémon, you geezer!" The ball revealed a Pikachu, who stared at Ken biting his lip. "Oh! I take that back. I suppose it's yours! Run along now, you little sonny." And with that, he went off to sleep.
------------------------
Back at home...

"Hey Mr. Shockington! Want some Pokéblocks?" (Mr. Shockington was the Pikachu's selected name by default after he refused his bell with a shock, and therefore the name Mr. Jingles.) The Pokéblocks hit Mr. Shockington completely ignored.
"Hm. Oh well."

Ken picked up the Pokéblocks and opened his pack. He took out his ketchup (Told you it'd be important.) and was about to pour it in his mouth when Shockington leaped at him and swiped the Pi-Ketchup®.

"Pika pika PIKAAA!!!" The curious Pikachu drank all the ketchup faster than Ken had ever done it. Shocks was very vocal about the ketchup's taste. "Pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika..." The advertisers at Pi-Ketchup Co. always said their ketchup had a strange habit of attracting the obese electric rodents, but Ken thought it was all just a myth.
"Hm. Better trust my uncle about the Pikachu Pokéball glitch, too."

Despite the compressing techniques used by Silph Co. having flaws with some Pokémon, they were trusted, even with Pokémon experts like Mr. Oat, Ken's uncle. Oat gave Ken many years back a Pokémon translator, using technology from the super-secret HM∞ "Talk". Typically, this device was several thousand Pokés, so it was quite a nice gift. Ken put the device up to Shockington's mouth.

"Say something, bro." The rodent was hesitant at first, but eventually said a string of Pikas that meant, "Hey there, friend! Where do you keep the ketchup around here?"
"In the fridge, why?"
"Hey, how do you understand me?" "This thing that I'm putting close to your mouth helps me understand you." "Cool! I'll be right back." Pikachu dashed off to the kitchen. Ken heard screaming and plates shattering. "Hey! How do you expect me to feed myself with four bottles??"
-----------------------------------END OF CHAPTER 1-----------------------------------

Kutie Pie
14th March 2012, 12:16 AM
A RetardRaichu story, eh? *puts on review/critique hat* LET'S DO THIS.



6:30 AM
"Good morning, Ken! Wake up! Time to pick out your new best friend!"
6:35 AM
"Ken, I'm serious! Get up!"
6:40 AM
"Ugh, I give up."
7:30 AM
"Hey Ken, are you going to get up today or tomorrow?"

This could be written differently, or at least added to it each and every time, like a few sentences or so describing a bit about how the mother feels and attempts to wake him up.


Ken awoke. He removed the bed sheets from on top of him and got up. He looked at his Poké-clock with a shock and realized the time, 7:30 AM.
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Mom, why didn't you wake me up??"
"Are you deaf, boy? I must've tried about ten times!" But Ken couldn't hear her. He was too busy getting dressed and screaming. As soon as he was done dressing, he grabbed some yoghurt, some ketchup (Yes, ketchup. This is important.) and his Pokémon Trainerpack he got when he was six and dashed off to Saffron.
But not before his mother could stall him three times, of course.

Okay, for one thing, the text needs to be separated into separate lines or the squashed blocks will make my eyes bleed.

Another is the bolded part. You do not do that. Don't point out any Chekhov's Guns or anything of the sort if they're that important. Let us, the audience, see it for ourselves.

Also, even though he's late, you could've slowed the scene down a little bit, have some breathing room in there.


Saffron is only about three miles away from the edge of Celadon, not a far walk for someone as fit as Ken. Trainercon, the event Ken had arranged to go to, was the bottom three floors of Silph Co. Ken walked around the very noisy building until he found the "Absolute Beginner" booth. There he found an elderly Professor Oak with a plethora of beginner-optimized Pokémon. Oak handed Ken a personality sheet, which Ken happily filled out. Ken gave the sheet back to Oak, which led to Oak saying, "Oh! It seems you're the Pikachu type. Unfortunately, I'm all out of them. The catchers couldn't get as many as planned. Well, that's all you can expect from them lousy contracters. Slippery, timid little things, those Pokeymans! I'm off to take a nap, now. If the young'uns and whippersnappers need anything, just wake me up." For some reason, Ken wondered if that was what he told everyone.

Um... is this a comedy? You should have told us it was a comedy or something. Because when you mention shadow Pokémon, we expect a maturely-handled drama (especially since there's a corrupt corporation involved). And why in the world is Oak out of character like that? You gave us no warning of this, and that is terrible.


Ken was about to leave disappointedly when a Pokéball hit Oak in the head and broke. "Some Pokémon, you geezer!" The ball revealed a Pikachu, who stared at Ken biting his lip. "Oh! I take that back. I suppose it's yours! Run along now, you little sonny." And with that, he went off to sleep.

Yup, this is supposed to be a comedy with out-of-character moments. But I'm not laughing.


Back at home...

Wait, I thought Ken was supposed to go to some convention. What was the convention for? Why the heck did Oak give away Pokémon there? Explain, story, explain!


Ken picked up the Pokéblocks and opened his pack. He took out his ketchup (Told you it'd be important.) and was about to pour it in his mouth when Shockington leaped at him and swiped the Pi-Ketchup®.

*smacks your hand* Bad, Raichu! Bad! You don't do that! And why the heck is the ketchup trademarked like that?! You didn't tell us it'd be a comedy!


"Pika pika PIKAAA!!!" The curious Pikachu drank all the ketchup faster than Ken had ever done it. Shocks was very vocal about the ketchup's taste. "Pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika..." The advertisers at Pi-Ketchup Co. always said their ketchup had a strange habit of attracting the obese electric rodents, but Ken thought it was all just a myth. "Hm. Better trust my uncle about the Pikachu Pokéball glitch, too."

All new pieces of dialogue belong in their own separate paragraph. And what's with the mention of glitches?


Despite the compressing techniques used by Silph Co. having flaws with some Pokémon, they were trusted, even with Pokémon experts like Mr. Oats, Ken's uncle. Oat gave Ken many years back a Pokémon translator, using technology from the super-secret HM∞ "Talk". Typically, this device was several thousand Pokés, so it was quite a nice gift. Ken put the device up to Shockington's mouth. "Say something, bro." The rodent was hesitant at first, but eventually said a string of Pikas that meant, "Hey there, friend! Where do you keep the ketchup around here?" "In the fridge, why?" "Hey, how do you understand me?" "This thing that I'm putting close to your mouth helps me understand you." "Cool! I'll be right back." Pikachu dashed off to the kitchen. Ken heard screaming and plates shattering. "Hey! How do you expect me to feed myself with four bottles??"

*spasm* What the hell is going on?! What's with this... this... Gary Stu device?! No! You don't do this without a proper explanation! That was a horrible explanation! Who's Mr. Oats?! Where does he live?! Did he invent this new HM, or what?! Explain, story! EXPLAIN!!

If this is a comedy, then it's a poorly written comedy, and it's going to be blatantly obvious Ken is a Gary Stu just from that alone. After all, it was oh-so clichéd of him to get a Pikachu that quickly just because he took a personality test or whatever (which would've be unique had it been done right), and then you give him this HM so Pikachu can speak human speech! What next? Is he going to run into a Legendary in the next chapter and find out he is some chosen leader to stop this corrupt corporation from controlling the world? Is he going to immediately befriend a Shadow Pokémon? What more Gary Stu traits are you going to give him?

I'm so stumped by this, I can't bring myself to write out anything else. You know the mistakes, please edit them in this chapter, and have it fixed by the next chapter.

Interrupt
14th March 2012, 9:12 PM
You know what? If my stories won't be appreciated for what they are, then I won't bother making any more. I didn't even read your review. I'm just out of here. Consider this story canceled, you jerk.

The Great Butler
14th March 2012, 9:37 PM
I have one thing to add to your review, if I may, Kutie Pie.

He claims that he doesn't know how Shadow Pokémon work because he hasn't played 'Pokémon EX.' Pokémon EX is not even a game, it is a subset of cards in the Pokémon TCG consisting of superpowered Pokémon. The game he appears to be thinking of is Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness.

Why am I pointing this out? Ordinarily a simple slip of the tongue would be forgivable. But when the author admits that he hasn't done enough research to even know the name of the game he is referencing, that tells me he doesn't care very much for putting in the effort to make a good story.

It's a shame he's chosen to take his ball and go home. I really would like to know exactly what it is he wants us to appreciate this for being.

Interrupt
14th March 2012, 10:05 PM
A RetardRaichu story, eh? *puts on review/critique hat* LET'S DO THIS.



This could be written differently, or at least added to it each and every time, like a few sentences or so describing a bit about how the mother feels and attempts to wake him up.



Okay, for one thing, the text needs to be separated into separate lines or the squashed blocks will make my eyes bleed.

Another is the bolded part. You do not do that. Don't point out any Chekhov's Guns or anything of the sort if they're that important. Let us, the audience, see it for ourselves.

Also, even though he's late, you could've slowed the scene down a little bit, have some breathing room in there.



Um... is this a comedy? You should have told us it was a comedy or something. Because when you mention shadow Pokémon, we expect a maturely-handled drama (especially since there's a corrupt corporation involved). And why in the world is Oak out of character like that? You gave us no warning of this, and that is terrible.



Yup, this is supposed to be a comedy with out-of-character moments. But I'm not laughing.



Wait, I thought Ken was supposed to go to some convention. What was the convention for? Why the heck did Oak give away Pokémon there? Explain, story, explain!



*smacks your hand* Bad, Raichu! Bad! You don't do that! And why the heck is the ketchup trademarked like that?! You didn't tell us it'd be a comedy!



All new pieces of dialogue belong in their own separate paragraph. And what's with the mention of glitches?



*spasm* What the hell is going on?! What's with this... this... Gary Stu device?! No! You don't do this without a proper explanation! That was a horrible explanation! Who's Mr. Oats?! Where does he live?! Did he invent this new HM, or what?! Explain, story! EXPLAIN!!

If this is a comedy, then it's a poorly written comedy, and it's going to be blatantly obvious Ken is a Gary Stu just from that alone. After all, it was oh-so clichéd of him to get a Pikachu that quickly just because he took a personality test or whatever (which would've be unique had it been done right), and then you give him this HM so Pikachu can speak human speech! What next? Is he going to run into a Legendary in the next chapter and find out he is some chosen leader to stop this corrupt corporation from controlling the world? Is he going to immediately befriend a Shadow Pokémon? What more Gary Stu traits are you going to give him?

I'm so stumped by this, I can't bring myself to write out anything else. You know the mistakes, please edit them in this chapter, and have it fixed by the next chapter.



*Sigh*
Well at least I write my fanfics about humans, like a normal person.

I was GOING to explain everything later, like a good fanfic writer and not just dive in. And also, this is the Pokémon world! Anything is possible! >__>
It's casual literature. Casual literature is entertaining, and has comedy, and isn't just some kind of emo ball of WTF. And I'm sure you would've liked what happened to the device had you let me finish.

I'm leaving Serebii unless 3 people tell me they want me to continue my fanfic.

Thank you for crushing my dreams. Now I'm going to leave you alone in this musty, dark basement.

And if you think that post was agressive, you haven't seen aaaaaanyythiiiiinnnnngggg... Seriously, get a mirror, pal.

The Great Butler
14th March 2012, 11:26 PM
Dude, I'm going to give you some advice. I'm doing this because once upon a time, I was a young writer just starting out who didn't take negative reviews well.

Take three deep breaths and calm down. Kutie Pie is not attacking you, I am not attacking you, nobody is attacking you. While I may not agree with some of the way she worded her criticisms, they were still legitimate, and frankly, if you thought she was harsh, be glad you never knew the terror called Yami Ryu. I had to come up through the ranks here back in the days when Yami Ryu was flinging insults comparing certain readers to farm animals and outright telling some authors to give up and leave. Compared to her, Kutie Pie, myself and everyone else who has commented on you has been gentle.

You just can't be lashing out every time you get a negative review, you know? Kutie Pie raised some good points that you really should consider - pointing out that something is a Chekhov's Gun, for example, is not only detrimental to your own narrative, it's insulting to the reader, because part of properly using the Chekhov's Gun plot device is giving your reader a rewarding feeling when they figure it out themselves. Also, you did poorly space your paragraphs, and I really couldn't make much sense of what was going on. That was because you were barraging me with so many seemingly random things while not really giving any narrative to what was going on.

Let me try to identify with you for a minute. I also got a negative review from Kutie Pie, for The Victory Star of Fate, my current story. (KP, let me assure you I'm not trying to throw you under the bus here, I just want to try to help him understand what I'm saying.) Some of the criticisms I received were similar to some that you got, but while the review was harsh, it wasn't as harsh as the one you got. Why was that? I think it's because while I made a few mistakes in one reviewer's eyes that you share, I had a narrative structure holding it together. Kutie Pie, I believe you said you read to halfway through Chapter 1, right? By that point, while she felt that I was not presenting enough information, there was at least enough to guess at the future plot - Everton is plotting to use Victini's Victory Star for something, Matt and his group will come into conflict with him. The stage was set. Meanwhile, when I look at this story, I honestly can't tell what's going on or where it's going. You don't have to tell us everything now, but it is almost certainly a good idea to at least supply your readers with enough to pick up on even traces of a plot. That, I think, is the difference between a negative review due to low quality and a negative review due to personal taste on the side of the reader.

If I may, I don't think that comedy is your forte. What happened to that fic you wanted Bible verses for? While that project wasn't to my tastes, I did think it had potential to find an audience. Why not revisit that one?

Kutie Pie
15th March 2012, 1:51 AM
Remember that thread you made in Author's Café, how you said you were going to write a story with dark themes? Well, I didn't expect that from you anytime soon, but I was expecting something to help you get to that point. I let you down? No, you let me down by not doing your best. You can write good stories if you take the time to do them. You are even allowed to ask for a beta-reader to look at your stories.


*Sigh*
Well at least I write my fanfics about humans, like a normal person.

It's a personal preference, don't attack me for that. I didn't say writing about humans was bad, I've written a few myself. I just prefer other characters.


I was GOING to explain everything later, like a good fanfic writer and not just dive in. And also, this is the Pokémon world! Anything is possible! >__>

I'm sure you would have, but you were diving in pretty quickly there, actually. You were getting straight to everything without explaining here and there. This confuses people, and it's a sign of lazy story-telling. Yes, it is the Pokémon world, but that doesn't mean everything is possible. There are still limits to what you put in a Pokémon story like with everything else. Such as the Gary Stu moments you were putting in, leading me to believe he was going to become one. You have to be extremely careful about things like that.


It's casual literature. Casual literature is entertaining, and has comedy, and isn't just some kind of emo ball of WTF. And I'm sure you would've liked what happened to the device had you let me finish.

Okay then, but still, if you want to put comedy in here, then you need to do it properly. The little comedy there was is forced and very unfunny. It also made Professor Oak out-of-character without a good reason to be out of character.

I didn't ask for this story to be full of angst, I was just saying I expect a story about a corrupt corporation to be dramatic. You can have comedy in a drama, loads of drama shows do that. You just have to have the right timing.


I'm leaving Serebii unless 3 people tell me they want me to continue my fanfic.

Thank you for crushing my dreams. Now I'm going to leave you alone in this musty, dark basement.

You're acting very immature here, Raichu. A good writer doesn't act like this.


And if you think that post was agressive, you haven't seen aaaaaanyythiiiiinnnnngggg... Seriously, get a mirror, pal.

I've seen worse. Your post wasn't aggressive, it was sniveling. Just like Great Butler said, there are people out there (or were here) who would've ripped you apart before I even got to you to give you a scolding. I may be no worse than the spanking kind, but Yami Ryu beat you with a belt with meat hooks with pauses in between whippings, and then some. If not worse.


Kutie Pie, I believe you said you read to halfway through Chapter 1, right?

No, it was halfway through chapter two, I believe.

Interrupt
16th March 2012, 5:47 PM
About Oak, this is ten years after Ash got his driver's license and he's over the hill.

And I'm sure you're very confused about what I keep saying about my new fanfic this, my other fanfic that.. I just have about 10 ideas for fanfics at the moment, and Freemind isn't helping me decide which one would be most helpful to post first. >___<

Oh, and about the Gary Stu thing.. He drinks ketchup. Now who, that you know, drinks KETCHUP?? :p

Kutie Pie
16th March 2012, 6:47 PM
About Oak, this is ten years after Ash got his driver's license and he's over the hill.

Wasn't Oak in his fifties anyway when Ash was ten years old? And even then, unless he developed Alzheimer's, he shouldn't be that senile. In fact, he should be retiring before he starts getting senile. So he really shouldn't be the Pokémon professor anymore.

And also, whoever called him a "geezer" obviously isn't that great a person or knows nothing about Pokémon research. I thought Professor Oak was well-respected by people old and young alike (except Agatha, of course).


And I'm sure you're very confused about what I keep saying about my new fanfic this, my other fanfic that.. I just have about 10 ideas for fanfics at the moment, and Freemind isn't helping me decide which one would be most helpful to post first. >___<

We all have those thoughts, that's what being a writer is all about. If anything, you should start out with one-shots first before writing a chaptered story so you can get the hang of it. Then from there, writing should become easier, and the ideas flow better.


Oh, and about the Gary Stu thing.. He drinks ketchup. Now who, that you know, drinks KETCHUP?? :p

It's not him drinking ketchup that's making him a Gary Stu (and I don't think it's healthy for him to be drinking ketchup in the first place), it's just him getting a Pikachu for no reason whatsoever, and having an HM that makes Pikachu talk. Those are traits that will lead him further down the path of Gary Stu-dom. It's also rather clichéd of him sleeping in that late, and getting a Pikachu, as it's been overdone so many times. It also makes it very easy to imitate the anime. And you should've spent some time on the personality quiz, since that sounded rather interesting, but he apparently zipped by that one very quickly to get a Pikachu.

So if you had spent some time planning this all out and do little rewrites here and there, chances are the story's contents would look better. It also helps to look up a list of any Pokémon clichés (I'm very certain they're out there) so you know what to watch out for, or to have fun with if you wish. Not all clichés are bad, but it's how they're used that determines if they are or not.

Interrupt
17th March 2012, 5:22 PM
Boy/Girl, I seen people go over the hill at fourty-seven.

And about the Pikachu.. well, I guess I just prefer traditional starters. It's like, "HEY EVERYONE MY GEODUDE IS GONNA OWN YOU ALL LOL", and I needed an electric-type for the story to make sense. So, Pikachu was (unfortunately) my only choice.

(Spoiler)
The HM was found by Team Rocket's Meowth who thought it was a hat and put it on his head, enabling him to talk. Giovanni took it and threw it away, fearing that Pokémon might rebel against Team Rocket. However, when you're as loony and instinctive as Dr. Oat (Character introduced later), garbage sometimes has good finds. Dr. Oat gave it to Silph Co. And they both agreed to burn it so that humans and Pokémon didn't get into wars, but Dr. Oat had made a device using it's technology before that decision was made.
(End Spoiler)

And if you think that's ridiculous, well, it is. But Ken never uses it unless he thinks Pikachu is saying something important. For instance, "Pi-i-ika?" instead of "Are you the manager of this restaurant? What kind of crazy loon doesn't offer ketchup with a meal?!"

Chapter 2 is on the way, guys. This fanfic is really, really short. After this, I think I'll do my rewriting of Mewtwo Strikes Back: The First Movie, also starring Ken. ( I hope to really bring out what could've made it spectacular) It'll probably be a really long one-shot. Some of the changes will surprise you, like Pokétears actually making sense.

Kutie Pie
17th March 2012, 5:55 PM
Boy/Girl, I seen people go over the hill at fourty-seven.

I thought you knew I'm a girl :|.

And if they went over the hill at that age, then something went wrong along the line.


And about the Pikachu.. well, I guess I just prefer traditional starters. It's like, "HEY EVERYONE MY GEODUDE IS GONNA OWN YOU ALL LOL", and I needed an electric-type for the story to make sense. So, Pikachu was (unfortunately) my only choice.

...you could have used an Elekid, or a Shinx if the Sinnoh Pokémon are involved. And Pikachu's technically not a traditional starter because the anime shows it. It's just a clichéd starter no one wants to see anymore.


(Spoiler)
The HM was found by Team Rocket's Meowth who thought it was a hat and put it on his head, enabling him to talk. Giovanni took it and threw it away, fearing that Pokémon might rebel against Team Rocket. However, when you're as loony and instinctive as Dr. Oat (Character introduced later), garbage sometimes has good finds. Dr. Oat gave it to Silph Co. And they both agreed to burn it so that humans and Pokémon didn't get into wars, but Dr. Oat had made a device using it's technology before that decision was made.
(End Spoiler)

Well, looks like the plot-twist is ruined. You should have just said, "It'll be answered in this many chapters or something along the lines" and I would have been all, "Oh, okay then", and left it be.

But still, giving Team Rocket's Meowth that HM pretty much means that canon is not going to be used at all in this story. It's fine if you don't want to use canon, but at your skill level, you probably should stay with canon until you are confident enough to mess around with canon.

Giovanni's fear is a bit justified, I'll give you that, but Giovanni's not dumb, he would've used it to his advantage. But whatever. So Dr. Oat(s) is a loony person who went ahead to give it to Silph for whatever reason, and because they don't want a war, they went ahead to go burn it. However, because Oat(s) is a loony bin, he already made a device prior to giving it to them, so he's pretty much responsible for everything that's going to happen because he messed around with science. So we can all blame him for everything, and we haven't even met the guy yet.

Yeah, you should have just kept this quiet. While I do find it suspicious he made an HM that enables Pokémon to talk, this twist would have at least made a justification for it all, even if it's still a bit dumb.


And if you think that's ridiculous, well, it is. But Ken never uses it unless he thinks Pikachu is saying something important. For instance, "Pi-i-ika?" instead of "Are you the manager of this restaurant? What kind of crazy loon doesn't offer ketchup with a meal?!"

Um, if I was Ken, I would keep the device on Pikachu until I find it annoying or has to be told to get rid of it. It must be very frustrating to hook it on Pikachu, since it has to be on him at all times to make him talk.


Chapter 2 is on the way, guys. This fanfic is really, really short. After this, I think I'll do my rewriting of Mewtwo Strikes Back: The First Movie, also starring Ken. ( I hope to really bring out what could've made it spectacular) It'll probably be a really long one-shot. Some of the changes will surprise you, like Pokétears actually making sense.

...I think you should leave the movie rewrite alone. That's just going to make Ken look more like an Ash rip-off than he already is.

Interrupt
18th March 2012, 8:28 PM
I thought you knew I'm a girl :|.

And if they went over the hill at that age, then something went wrong along the line.



...you could have used an Elekid, or a Shinx if the Sinnoh Pokémon are involved. And Pikachu's technically not a traditional starter because the anime shows it. It's just a clichéd starter no one wants to see anymore.



Well, looks like the plot-twist is ruined. You should have just said, "It'll be answered in this many chapters or something along the lines" and I would have been all, "Oh, okay then", and left it be.

But still, giving Team Rocket's Meowth that HM pretty much means that canon is not going to be used at all in this story. It's fine if you don't want to use canon, but at your skill level, you probably should stay with canon until you are confident enough to mess around with canon.

Giovanni's fear is a bit justified, I'll give you that, but Giovanni's not dumb, he would've used it to his advantage. But whatever. So Dr. Oat(s) is a loony person who went ahead to give it to Silph for whatever reason, and because they don't want a war, they went ahead to go burn it. However, because Oat(s) is a loony bin, he already made a device prior to giving it to them, so he's pretty much responsible for everything that's going to happen because he messed around with science. So we can all blame him for everything, and we haven't even met the guy yet.

Yeah, you should have just kept this quiet. While I do find it suspicious he made an HM that enables Pokémon to talk, this twist would have at least made a justification for it all, even if it's still a bit dumb.



Um, if I was Ken, I would keep the device on Pikachu until I find it annoying or has to be told to get rid of it. It must be very frustrating to hook it on Pikachu, since it has to be on him at all times to make him talk.



...I think you should leave the movie rewrite alone. That's just going to make Ken look more like an Ash rip-off than he already is.


I wanted to use Pokémon native to Kanto unless Ken battles a foreign trainer. Because Electric-types native to Kanto are so original, you guys. I admit, I could've gone with an Eevee and made it a Jolteon, but I thought you'd ask, "Why did he make it a Jolteon?" (Yes, I actually thought that *palm*) so I just reluctantly made it a Pikachu.

I put spoiler tags. :(

Ken keeps the device in his TrainerPack most of the time. It's only for urgent situations, and has nothing to do with main plot. Dr. Oat did not make the HM. I figured if I was going to spoil the back story to the device then I didn't have to spoil everything.

Oh, and by the way, who says Giovanni isn't dumb? Starting a terrorist organization for no apparent reason with no eventual personal gain, and going after it for.. what, 15 years since the animé started?

Honestly, who thinks that the 4Kids version of Mewtwo Strikes Back was terribly dubbed, butchered the plot and could have been about seventeen times better? If I ever write anything else about Ken, it's not even going to be canon. It's just an effort to reprove what the movie tried to do.

JX Valentine
18th March 2012, 9:24 PM
Iiiif I may step in for a sec:


Oh, and by the way, who says Giovanni isn't dumb? Starting a terrorist organization for no apparent reason with no eventual personal gain, and going after it for.. what, 15 years since the animé started?

Actually, this makes him more brilliant than the other team leaders. Maxie, Archie, Cyrus, and Ghetsis all start up terrorist organizations for what's essentially a bunch of clichés. ("I want to improve the world." "I want to destroy the world and remake it in my image." "I want to disarm everyone so I can take over the world.") Giovanni, meanwhile, carefully crafts an alter-ego to present to the public (implied by the fact that he runs amusement parks and is the Viridian City Gym Leader on the side, never mind the fact that he can construct his organization's headquarters in an office building in a major city without raising suspicions from the police), he manages to recruit some of the most brilliant scientists in the world (as evidenced by the facts that they've perfected cloning and that they're capable of creating everything from mind-control devices to force field generators) to engineer invincible bioweapons without being laughed at by said scientists or getting noticed by any authority who might find his spending suspicious, and on top of everything else, no one knows what the hell he's doing. Yep, the "no apparent reason" part makes him intensely brilliant because it means he's not entirely predictable and because it means he's careful enough to keep his motives a mystery, even when his ship is sinking. (Y'know. Unlike Ghetsis and Cyrus. Maxie and Archie don't count because they don't even remotely bother with the whole "let's keep this under wraps" thing.) Why is that brilliant?

For the same reason why the Joker is a brilliant Batman villain and why Lex Luthor pisses Superman off so much. Think about that for a sec. Giovanni is just a child-friendly Lex Luthor and Joker.

As for the Electric-type brigade, there's always Electabuzz. As Kutie Pie said, Pikachu's technically not a traditional starter anyway, so it's not that difficult to get away with fudging it and just giving the kid an Electabuzz if you wanted to stick with Kanto Pokémon. In fact, honestly, I'd be more excited to see an Electabuzz in a fanfic because that poor guy gets so little attention, despite being intensely awesome.

Anyway, I'll review this properly later on. Sorta backed up with schoolwork, but I just wanted to drop by and stick in a note to help you tackle these kinds of things at a different angle, so to speak.

Kutie Pie
18th March 2012, 10:46 PM
I wanted to use Pokémon native to Kanto unless Ken battles a foreign trainer. Because Electric-types native to Kanto are so original, you guys. I admit, I could've gone with an Eevee and made it a Jolteon, but I thought you'd ask, "Why did he make it a Jolteon?" (Yes, I actually thought that *palm*) so I just reluctantly made it a Pikachu.

I wouldn't really have questioned the Jolteon, especially since he does live in Celadon and can get the Thunderstone, but I would've questioned his smarts if he evolved the Eevee very early on.



I put spoiler tags. :(

You didn't. Spoiler tags are this -> [SPOILER]


Ken keeps the device in his TrainerPack most of the time. It's only for urgent situations, and has nothing to do with main plot. Dr. Oat did not make the HM. I figured if I was going to spoil the back story to the device then I didn't have to spoil everything.

So the fact that Pikachu can now talk has nothing to do with the main plot? Um, I think it should. There is a reason Ken received that device, so that device has to be the plot device (literally) that keeps the story going. You said that it's considered dangerous, so honestly, that should be the main focus. As long as it's done correctly, of course.


Honestly, who thinks that the 4Kids version of Mewtwo Strikes Back was terribly dubbed, butchered the plot and could have been about seventeen times better? If I ever write anything else about Ken, it's not even going to be canon. It's just an effort to reprove what the movie tried to do.

It was butchered, yes, but the original is available for viewing, and tells the story properly. There really is no need to rewrite the dub. Besides, way too many people have actually tried their hand at rewriting the first movie, trust me (and very few of them did it correctly). I suggest leaving it alone.

Jax has listed everything about Giovanni that I admire about him as a villain.


For the same reason why the Joker is a brilliant Batman villain and why Lex Luthor pisses Superman off so much. Think about that for a sec. Giovanni is just a child-friendly Lex Luthor and Joker.

Giovanni is more vicious in the Japanese version than we give him, so it's hardly child-friendly, but yes, he is rather tame compared to them. Not that a lot of our own children's cartoons have not had villains who could care less about killing as long as they can get what they want. Again, it's another reason why I like him as a villain so much, being the brilliant, manipulative bastard he is.

The Great Butler
19th March 2012, 4:21 AM
Jax and Kutie Pie have already covered much of what I would say.


I wanted to use Pokémon native to Kanto unless Ken battles a foreign trainer. Because Electric-types native to Kanto are so original, you guys. I admit, I could've gone with an Eevee and made it a Jolteon, but I thought you'd ask, "Why did he make it a Jolteon?" (Yes, I actually thought that *palm*) so I just reluctantly made it a Pikachu.

On top of Pikachu/Raichu, Jolteon and Electabuzz, there's also Voltorb/Electrode and Magnemite/Magneton. You have plenty of choices.


Ken keeps the device in his TrainerPack most of the time. It's only for urgent situations, and has nothing to do with main plot. Dr. Oat did not make the HM. I figured if I was going to spoil the back story to the device then I didn't have to spoil everything.

If it's not a major plot point and is only for "urgent" situations, either you should do it better or drop it entirely. Right now, it seems like a plot point introduced for no reason that serves little purpose and looks major despite being nothing at all.


Oh, and by the way, who says Giovanni isn't dumb? Starting a terrorist organization for no apparent reason with no eventual personal gain, and going after it for.. what, 15 years since the animé started?

Jax already listed everything wrong with this statement, but there is one other thing - he didn't found Team Rocket in the anime canon, his mother did.


Honestly, who thinks that the 4Kids version of Mewtwo Strikes Back was terribly dubbed, butchered the plot and could have been about seventeen times better? If I ever write anything else about Ken, it's not even going to be canon. It's just an effort to reprove what the movie tried to do.

I was afraid of this. I thought when you said that that all you were going to do was rewrite it as the original Japanese version.

Interrupt
19th March 2012, 11:33 PM
BRRRRRR!!!! I just ran a mile through literally freezing rain in sport clothing against my will. This is my f-f-f-f-f-f-fourth glass of hot cocoa, and I'm out of milk.

Review responding time! By the way, I haven't had time to work on Chapter 2 yet.


I wouldn't really have questioned the Jolteon, especially since he does live in Celadon and can get the Thunderstone, but I would've questioned his smarts if he evolved the Eevee very early on.

ME:
Yeah, I realize that now. (:|)


You didn't. Spoiler tags are this -> [SPOILER]

ME:
Cool! Thanks for showing me that.

So the fact that Pikachu can now talk has nothing to do with the main plot? Um, I think it should. There is a reason Ken received that device, so that device has to be the plot device (literally) that keeps the story going. You said that it's considered dangerous, so honestly, that should be the main focus. As long as it's done correctly, of course.

ME:
Ok, will consider.

It was butchered, yes, but the original is available for viewing, and tells the story properly. There really is no need to rewrite the dub. Besides, way too many people have actually tried their hand at rewriting the first movie, trust me (and very few of them did it correctly). I suggest leaving it alone.

ME:
Really? It's been done before? I thought I was just a looney bin. (:p)

Jax has listed everything about Giovanni that I admire about him as a villain.

ME:
..
Whatever floats your boat, Joe.



Giovanni is more vicious in the Japanese version than we give him, so it's hardly child-friendly, but yes, he is rather tame compared to them. Not that a lot of our own children's cartoons have not had villains who could care less about killing as long as they can get what they want. Again, it's another reason why I like him as a villain so much, being the brilliant, manipulative bastard he is.

Again, flochabot.


Jax and Kutie Pie have already covered much of what I would say.
ME:
Yeah judging from the other sites I've been on, everyone wants to say those things. @_@

On top of Pikachu/Raichu, Jolteon (My name is Dumbo! (No sarcasm there. I'm referring to myself.) and Electabuzz (Not a big fan of that one), there's also Voltorb/Electrode (HEY EVERYONE! MY PRIME POKéMON IS AN EMOTIONLESS ELECTRIC BALL OF.. WHO KNOWS WHAT? MY POKéMON LOVES ME SO LUMPIN' MUCH!! and Magnemite/Magneton ( ^). You have plenty of choices. (Oh, sure.)

If it's not a major plot point and is only for "urgent" situations, either you should do it better or drop it entirely. Right now, it seems like a plot point introduced for no reason that serves little purpose and looks major despite being nothing at all.
ME: Maybe the Dr. Oat visit will make you happy. (=/) Will consider.
Jax already listed everything wrong with this statement, but there is one other thing - he didn't found Team Rocket in the anime canon, his mother did. ME: Thanks for the sound bite. But I don't really think it affects the devices backstory.


Thanks for the reviews and tips, guys. And I'm SUPER sorry about the C2 delay. I'm sure my school isn't, though. I promise to bring it around soon. (Soon as in never.)


Edit: Just real quick-fast, how come this guy doesn't get as much criticism as I do with an equally flawed (sorry pal, apparently that's pretty flawed) fanfic? [URL="http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?519725-The-Journey-of-Xander-%28G%29"] (:| )

The Great Butler
20th March 2012, 5:22 AM
Yeah judging from the other sites I've been on, everyone wants to say those things. @_@

If that's the case, then maybe you should begin to think about what's being said.


HEY EVERYONE! MY PRIME POKéMON IS AN EMOTIONLESS ELECTRIC BALL OF.. WHO KNOWS WHAT? MY POKéMON LOVES ME SO LUMPIN' MUCH!!

...


^ Oh sure.

You wanted "original" Electric-types native to Kanto, so I listed some. Few people even think of Magnemite and even fewer Voltorb, so if you wanted to be different, there was a way to do it.


Edit: Just real quick-fast, how come this guy doesn't get as much criticism as I do with an equally flawed (sorry pal, apparently that's pretty flawed) fanfic? [URL="http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?519725-The-Journey-of-Xander-%28G%29"] (:| )

You are not going to make many friends dredging up ten-month-old material and crying that everyone's being mean to you because other people you've judged unworthy didn't get told what you're being told.

I've been trying to help you - we all have - but I'm going to tell it to you flatly now. It would be a good idea if you did two things: one, read all the sticky rule threads on the top of the board, then spend some time lurking and reading other fics posted here. By doing that you'll get a better idea of how to conduct yourself both in your writing and personally while you're here, which will be to everyone's benefit.

Dragonfree
20th March 2012, 5:35 AM
RetardRaichu, dredging up other fics by name and saying they're totally worse than yours in your defense is really not helping your case. Just accept the criticism you're given, read the rules and be respectful of others, please. If you continue to act childishly, I may have to close this thread.

Interrupt
20th March 2012, 5:41 AM
Hmph. *folds arms* /notseriouslies

But I didn't say it's name and I didn't say it was worse. I just pointed out the reviews on it are more positive.

Dragonfree
20th March 2012, 6:01 AM
You didn't technically say its name, but you identified a particular fic with a link, and using your fic thread to identify particular other fics and talk about how bad they are is not acceptable - how would you feel if you were merrily reading somebody else's fanfic and then suddenly discovered that the author randomly linked to your fic to trash it? It's also not even remotely relevant, because the people reviewing that fic were completely different from the people reviewing your fic - complaining to your more experienced reviewers that some other fic a year ago was reviewed by less discerning reviewers doesn't make any sense. It's not like they can't review your fic without also personally having reviewed every other fic in the forum.

JX Valentine
20th March 2012, 6:18 AM
(HEY EVERYONE! MY PRIME POKéMON IS AN EMOTIONLESS ELECTRIC BALL OF.. WHO KNOWS WHAT? MY POKéMON LOVES ME SO LUMPIN' MUCH!! and Magnemite/Magneton ( ^)

You know, one of my favorite fics of the moment gives the main character a Porygon as a starter, and it's my favorite because the author had the guts to use Porygon as a starter. Just because a Pokémon is inhuman doesn't mean it can't work. It takes a nice dollop of creativity to pull it off. And don't think it's just because of my tastes, either. It's actually well-received because of the starter choice and what the author did with it. That's because it offers readers a pretty nice dose of something new and different, which means it stands out from every other OT fic. That and despite the fact that Porygon have no emotions, the author still managed to create an interesting character, just by figuring out how something that's literally emotionless and extremely logical would act.

See, I'll be frank myself. One of the secrets to becoming a good writer is having the guts to be adventurous. You've got to try something new, work outside your comfort zone, and think outside the box. Instead of blowing off a suggestion, think of it a different way. Most of the time, something that sounds impossible is actually just a challenge, and if you want to be a good writer, you'll need to take on challenges (like figuring out how to develop a character out of a creature that doesn't express emotions like most living things) instead of laugh at them.

Also:


Electabuzz (Not a big fan of that one)

While I don't discourage working with your favorites, I highly encourage working with Pokémon that aren't. Fanfic's a great way to see Pokémon in a whole new light, and sometimes, you might use one that you wouldn't think twice about, only to come out loving it in the end. Keep an open mind and consider working outside of your Pokémon comfort zone. You'll get a lot more positive feedback if you're willing to challenge your limits, if that makes sense without sounding too sappy.


Thanks for the sound bite. But I don't really think it affects the devices backstory.

Actually... it does. Keeping Giovanni in canon (even by knowing who created Team Rocket and why and how Giovanni came to run it) would then call into question whether or not it'd make sense for Giovanni to throw away something as useful as a device that allows Pokémon to speak. *shrug*

Also, while we're at it...


But I didn't say it's name

Actually, it's in the link you put at the end of your post. We can also follow that link to the story to know which one you're talking about.


and I didn't say it was worse.

Point in your favor. b)'')b


I just pointed out the reviews on it are more positive.

But this isn't Xman's fic. This is yours, with a completely different audience. Regardless of how Xman scored his readers or what they said, the thing is, you're not addressing the same audience or the same reviewers. You've got to focus on your own work because the more you try to push your readers into changing their opinion concerning your piece just because of what someone said on another thread, the less likely that's going to happen. There's two reasons why. First, the more you tell someone to do something, the more likely they are to do the complete opposite. Second, it makes you lose focus on your own work, which in turn lowers the quality of your fic. Besides, the readers you're getting probably haven't read the other thread, nor are they likely to care what happened on there. You've got readers who are basically blank slates.

So long story short, comparing yourself to other fics and asking why they got more positive reviews than you will just hurt you in the long run.

Interrupt
23rd March 2012, 6:00 PM
Ok, I won't do it again.

An inhuman Pokémon sounds like a steep hill to climb for a first-timer like me, and I don't even know what an Electabuzz looks like from the back (seriously). And also, perhaps Electabuzz aren't even native to Kanto, considering you can't find Elekids in it. (Or can you? I never played GSC :/) Maybe whoever lived in the mansion on Cinnabar hoarded them. (Ok, or no.)

I found a way to make both Butler (Mind if I call you Buts? Eh, I'm sure you do. :/) and Kutie happy. YOU'RE VERY WELCOME :U

Expect Chapter 2 to come around later today. I'm just proofreading. You guys be happy I write this because it takes away my sleeping time. :U
And when I DO post Chapter 2 it'll be in the first post. I'll also space out Chapter 1. YOU'RE VERY WELCOME AGAIN :U Perhaps you've noticed I like that face. :3

Kutie Pie
23rd March 2012, 6:11 PM
An inhuman Pokémon sounds like a steep hill to climb for a first-timer like me, and I don't even know what an Electabuzz looks like from the back (seriously). And also, perhaps Electabuzz aren't even native to Kanto, considering you can't find Elekids in it. (Or can you? I never played GSC :/) Maybe whoever lived in the mansion on Cinnabar hoarded them. (Ok, or no.)

This is why you need to do your research. There are sprites on Bulbapedia available to look at, go look up an Electabuzz on there. And why do you need to know what it looks like from the back? We could really care less what its back looks like unless it's got some unique patterns there :/.


Expect Chapter 2 to come around later today. I'm just proofreading. You guys be happy I write this because it takes away my sleeping time. :U
And when I DO post Chapter 2 it'll be in the first post. I'll also space out Chapter 1. YOU'RE VERY WELCOME AGAIN :U Perhaps you've noticed I like that face. :3

NO. Do NOT do that, RetardRaichu. You have to post a separate, individual post in here to update a chapter, which we'll look forward to, by the way.

Interrupt
23rd March 2012, 6:55 PM
This is why you need to do your research. There are sprites on Bulbapedia available to look at, go look up an Electabuzz on there. And why do you need to know what it looks like from the back? We could really care less what its back looks like unless it's got some unique patterns there :/.



NO. Do NOT do that, RetardRaichu. You have to post a separate, individual post in here to update a chapter, which we'll look forward to, by the way.

Oops. Too late. :/
I'll just post it in this post as well if you like..

NEW VERSION-TO!!

"Wake up, Mr. Shockington! Rise and shine! It's a brand new day!"

"Pi..ka..chu..."

"C'mon, you silly sleepyhead! Wake up!"

Mr. Shockington rose from the bed and looked at Ken, who was fully dressed. "Piká?"

"It's two o'clock. You've been sleeping this whole time. I went out to do some errands and pick up some stuff. They were having a sale on Pokédex 10 at the Department
Store so I picked one up. They really should just call it the PokédeX. See, because Pokédex and the roman numera- here, lemme scan you."

Mr. Shockington put on his "attractive" pose.

"Pikachu- the Electric Mouse Pokémon. Pikachu are very social and are a common beginner's Pokémon."

"I knew it!" Fist pump.

"They live together in communities and work together to get things done."

"Pika pika pikachu, ka!"

"It is cool! I also made you these Pi-Ketchup blend Pokéblo-"

"PIKA PIKA PIKA!!!" Mr. Shockington leaped for the ketchup Pokéblocks and stuck the entire bag in its mouth.

"... You know, eating paper is bad for you. Besides that, we should start training!"
-------------------------------------------------------

"Pidgey- the Tiny Bird Pokémon. Pidgey are very, very, very common and very easy to provoke."

"Shockster, use Electro Ball!"

Mr. Shockington hurled himself at the enemy Pidgey. "Pika, Pika!"

"Pidgey!!" The Pidgey dramatically fainted.

"Good job! Do you want me to catch it?"

"Pika pika!" (Only if it can bring us ketchup!)

"What is that even supposed to mean?" Ken caught the Pidgey and named it Applebee's.

"Now let's see what else we can find!" Ken did a little victory-jig and ran off to look for more.

"Pi-Pikachu!" Shocking followed.
-------------------------------------------------------
"Meowth- the Scratchcat Pokémon. Meowth adore round, shiny jewelry."

"Meeee-owth!"

"Aww! How adorable! I think I'll catch you. Applebee's, come on out! Give this battle a twist!"

Applebee's used Twister and knocked the Meowth out. Ken caught it.

"Hmm.. how about Nekopan?"

"Pikachu."

"What do you mean, you don't like that name??" Ken looked at Pikachu like he just took of his clothes.

"Pika, pikachu!"

"Whatever, you foreign-language hater. N-e-k-o-p-a-" Shockington leaped at the Pokédex and typed "No".

"HIS NAME IS NOT NO!! BAD, BAD PIKACHU!!"

"Pika pika." Pikachu acted like it was funny, which it was totally not.

"Well.." Ken sighed. "I guess it could work."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Abra- the-" Ken covered the device before it could finish the description.

"HOLY FLUFF'N'STUFF! IT'S AN ABRA! Shockington, Thunder Wave! Quick!"

"Pikachu!" Shockington used Thunder Wave and paralyzed the Abra.

"Let's see now.. Bike coupon.. Trainer ID.. Profile.. Berries.. Dangit, where's the- oh, go figure. I'm out." Ken got up and walked to the Department Store.

"20 Great Balls, please."

"20? that makes 8000 Pokés. You're sure rich!"

"Tell me about it."
------------------------------------------------
"Ok, refilled on balls and- Oh wow! The Abra is still there. Nice shock, Sir Shocking the Gallant."

"Pika, pika, pika!!" Shockington flexed and showed his tiny muscles. Ken threw the ball and captured the Abra.

"H-u-k-a-n-a-g-a. Does that sound magical to you?" Mr. Shockington gave Ken the serious face and then the cold shoulder.

"Shockington..." Ken pulled Mr. Shockington's tail. The mouse turned around and bit him very, very hard.

"YOW! I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET THIS AMPUTATED, YOU FAT RODENT!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Ken walked to the Celadon Gym.
Fire Pokémon banned. Dispense all Fire Pokémon here.

"Seems to me like they don't like losing." Ken entered and saw a bunch of trainers rushing around looking worried. The garden was also noticeably wilted.

"Hello, young trainer. Come closer." Erika was a good friend of Ken's mother.

"Good morning, Erika. Why are Fire-types banned?"

"Oh! A few days ago, a terrible Vulpix came in and used Will o' Wisp. It put our entire garden on fire! We just don't want it
to happen again."

"Ah.. I see. Well then, how about a duel?"

"That sounds good. But I must heal my hurt Venusaur. The fire got on his plant." Venusaur's plant was totally wilted.

"Venusaur.."

"Well then, while you're doing that, I can fight the other guys, right?"

"That sounds good! Promise me you'll come back here."
------------------------END OF CHAPTER 2----------------

Yay! Fixed. More or less.

Kutie Pie
23rd March 2012, 8:18 PM
Oops. Too late. :/
I'll just post it in this post as well if you like..

Now go delete the second chapter from the first post since it's right here.

*puts on hat*


"Wake up, Mr. Shockington! Rise and shine! It's a brand new day!"

"P.i.k.a.c.h.u..."

"C'mon, you silly sleepyhead! Wake up!"

Okay, while there really isn't much issue here (though you should have Pikachu just go "Pi... ka... chu..." instead of making it look like an acronym), I noticed that there is no detail in this chapter. At all. The first chapter had more detail than this chapter does. All it is is pretty much just dialogue, and that's not a full-length chapter. How is it you can go from some detail in the first chapter to literally no detail in the second? That's not improvement. That's being lazy.


Mr. Shockington rose from the bed and looked at Ken, who was fully dressed. "Piká?"

What's with the accented "a"?


"It's two o'clock. You've been sleeping this whole time. I went out to do some errands and pick up some stuff. They were having a sale on Pokédex 10 at the Department
Store so I picked one up. They really should just call it the PokédeX. Here, lemme scan you."

Even with the periods, it's just a paragraph of dialogue with no real breathing moments. This is the issue that's throughout this chapter. You need to put some detail here and there about what's going on. I do know they're at his house, but what is he doing while he's talking? Is he just standing there as a talking head?

Also, with the bolded word, while it is rather distracting that "x" is capitalized, it's also kinda clever since it's a PokéDex version 10, and the Roman Numeral is "X". Still, it could've been portrayed a bit better.


"Pikachu- the Electric Mouse Pokémon. Pikachu are very social and are a common beginner's Pokémon."

"I knew it!"

"They live together in communities and work together to get things done."

"Pika pika pikachu, ka!"


Put some secondary action detail in here, please. Maybe have Ken pump his fist when he yells "I knew it!" to make it look better. And maybe Pikachu shouldn't be talking that much, honestly. You can just say that Pikachu made a cute little noise or something like that. It does get very tiresome to see "Pika Pika Pikachu" all the time.


"PIKA PIKA PIKA!!!" Mr. Shockington leaped for the ketchup Pokéblocks and stuck the entire bag in its mouth.

"... You know, eating paper is bad for you."

That part is actually pretty cute. But see right there? You gave us a brief description of Mr. Shockington leaping up to snatch the bag from him and stick it in his mouth. That's what's needed throughout this story are those kinds of details.


-------------------------------------------------------

"Pidgey- the Tiny Bird Pokémon. Pidgey are very, very, very common and very easy to provoke."

"Shockster, use Electro Ball!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shockington hurled himself at the enemy Pidgey. "Pika, Pika!"

"Pidgey!!" The Pidgey dramatically fainted.

Baaaaaad use of transitions there. What, did a Pidgey fly into his house and he decided to scan it and then catch it after Shockington took some time off to hurl himself at it? And I looked up the move, which suggests that Ken has a Pikachu that's at a higher level than most starter Pokémon starting out. That's another step in the direction of Gary Stu-dom.


"Good job! Do you want me to catch it?"

"Pika pika!" (Only if it can bring us ketchup!)

"What is that even supposed to mean?" Ken caught the Pidgey and named it Applebee's.

Detail, good sir. We demand detail. So the Pidgey dramatically fainted, and we don't even get to see the epicness of capturing his first Pokémon?

Also, while it doesn't hurt to "translate" what Pikachu is saying (and of course, bonus points for him lampshading what he's talking about--unless he can actually understand Pikachu, if that's the case, you lose that point), you need to spread it apart for now and then. You did do this in this chapter, but still, remember what we told you about that machine that enables Pokémon to talk? How about convincing us it's a plot point? You can just keep it on Shockington since we know what it is.

But if you insist on translating Pikachu's dialogue, then you need to do it carefully, and as cleverly as possible. I am reminded of A Series of Unfortunate Events where the youngest character, a baby named Sunny, speaks utter nonsense for a long while, and yet the narrator gives us translations by first going "it probably meant", "it appeared to mean", and other phrases along that line. You can try that, but you need to use it sparingly and at the right moments. Timing is important here.


"Now let's see what else we can find!"

"Pi-Pikachu!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Meowth- the Scratchcat Pokémon. Meowth adore round, shiny jewelry."

"Meeee-owth!"

More bad uses of transitions. Where the heck are they anyway? Can you even find wild Meowth outside of Celadon?

And just have the Meowth make some wild noise or something like that. Or better yet, describe what the heck is going on.


"Aww! How adorable! I think I'll catch you. Applebee's, come on out! Give this battle a twist!"

Applebee's used Twister and knocked the Meowth out. Ken caught it.


Wait, there is an actual apostrophe in the Pidgey's nickname? I highly recommend removing that.


"Hmm.. how about Nekopan?"

"Pikachu."

"Okay."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Abra- the-" Ken covered the device before it could finish the description.

"HOLY FLUFF'N'STUFF! IT'S AN ABRA! Shockington, Thunder Wave! Quick!"

*sigh* You need to time your transitions a lot better. And perhaps make wild Pokémon habitats more realistic. If we're going by the game's logic, that would mean Ken is near Cerulean City, and by the looks of it, it didn't take him long to get there.

And that's some forced humor there. Descriptions and better timing would've made this scene funnier.


"Pikachu!" Shockington used Thunder Wave and paralyzed the Abra.

"Let's see now.. Bike coupon.. Trainer ID.. Profile.. Berries.. Dangit, where's the- oh, go figure. I'm out."

-------------------------------------------------------
"Ok, refilled on balls and- Oh wow! The Abra is still there. Nice shock, Sir Shocking the Gallant." Ken threw the ball and
captured the Abra.

o_o...

...

Um...

That's still bad transitioning. Here's an idea: why not show us Ken going to the nearest mart, buy some PokéBalls, then head back out there to find the still-paralyzed Abra, show some surprised emotion, and then throw the PokéBall at it? We. Need. Descriptions. You cannot do that, this is lazy, lazy writing. You need to take the time to show us Ken doing these things instead of cutting back-and-forth between scenes. If this chapter is all about him capturing Pokémon, then by golly we want to see him catch Pokémon correctly. This just proves you did not plan this all the way through, and that it's just pointless, pointless, half-assed filler. And a really bad half-assed filler at that.


"H-u-k-a-n-a-g-a. Does that sound magical to you?" Mr. Shockington gave Ken the serious face and then the cold shoulder.

"Shockington..." Ken pulled Mr. Shockington's tail. The mouse turned around and bit him very, very hard.

"YOW! I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET THIS AMPUTATED, YOU FAT RODENT!"

At least you tried to show some secondary action here, but it's still done badly. You could've just showed us Ken flailing his arm around or something.


Ken walked to the Grass Gym to see if what he had heard was true, because if it was, he was done catching all the Pokémon
accesible to him at the moment.

Just call it "Celadon Gym".

And don't tell us he's done catching Pokémon at the moment, we already know. SHOW us, don't TELL us.


"Seems to me like they don't like losing." Ken entered and saw a bunch of trainers.

"Hello, young trainer. Come closer."

"Good morning, Erika. Why are Fire-types banned?"

Wait, why is he being so friendly to Erika? And how were we supposed to know the person who addressed him was Erika? You didn't give us a proper description about the room inside and what the people look like.


"Oh! A few days ago, a terrible Vulpix came in and used Will o' Wisp. It put our entire garden on fire! We just don't want it
to happen again."

"Ah.. I see. Well then, how about a duel?"

"That sounds good. But I must heal my hurt Venusaur. The fire got on his plant."

"Venusaur.."

"Well then, while you're doing that, I can fight the other guys, right?"

"That sounds good! Promise me you'll come back here."

See, this is what I mean by too much dialogue. You never showed us any actions the characters could be doing while talking, and everything in between. This is extremely important in a story. Dialogue is important, yes, but you technically don't need dialogue to tell a story. The meat of a good story is description and detail, especially about what's going on around the characters, and what it is they're doing with their surroundings. You can pretty much take out all traces of dialogue, and a story can still be told.

Now I'm not saying you should take out all the dialogue (because then it wouldn't be that much of a chapter and we would've gotten mad at you for it), I'm saying you need to put effort into this. Compare this chapter to your first chapter. Your first chapter is more entertaining than this chapter because you at least took some time out to at least describe parts of this world, about what Ken and Pikachu and Professor Oak did, all that good stuff. You obviously just gave up within the first two sentences and wrote all the dialogue and called it done. Oh, and you put some description here in there when you felt like it.

I suggest re-writing this chapter and putting some actual effort into it, you can do better than this. Don't give us excuses about it cutting away at your sleep or what-not (because all writers tend to go past their bedtime writing, it's normal). Prove to us you can write a story without being lazy about it. And also so this thread doesn't get closed because of lack of improvement. Yes, your thread can get locked because you don't improve, as it shows you never bothered to follow the advice we give you. This is what being a writer is all about. And if you want to convince me to continue reading this and to look forward to your big project you wish to do, then you need to do as we say and stop fighting us over it.

Interrupt
25th March 2012, 7:00 PM
OMG! Totally impossible! How did I submit the rough draft??

*roots through computer*

The final draft is nowhere to be found. I will just finish it manually.

SORRY FOR THE LACK OF QUALITY, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!

Interrupt
9th April 2012, 10:00 PM
Woah, this bump is WAY overdue.

I think I'll do C3. :3

Chapter 3
----------------------------
Ken was in the Celadon Gym looking for competition to stall the time and learning more about the gym system.
"You have no badges," One of the Picnickers told him, "So you'll only fight one of us."

"That sounds cool! I just hope Erika is ready when I'm done. Can I battle you?"

Picnicker Mike pulled out a calculator and tapped away. "I assume your party is about level twenty-five. I'll have to go easy on you."

"Well, what's your party's?"

Mike's eyes turned red and flaming. "Level Ex."

"Not really, right?"
"Nah. It's more like fourty in a party of three."
-------------------------
"Hukynaga, I choose you!"

"Pika-pika kachu!" Mr. Shockington exclaimed excitedly.

"Go! Vileplume!"

Ken began giggling.

"What? What's so funny?"

"A Pokémon without a name always indicates a noobish trainer."

The Vileplume turned around and looked at Mike with a "Yeah.. Punk." face.

"I'm sorry, Vileplume. Tell ya what. When we get home I'll give all of you a name."

"Aaaa-nyways.. Hukynaga! Use Psybeam!" The Abra shook it's head. "What? What's that? Huh? You don't know that? How about Psychic? No? Confusion? No? Then what do you know?" Hukynaga used Teleport and went back inside it's Pokéball. "Well, I guess that reduces my party down to three."

Picnicker Mike looked thoughtful. "What if.. We had a three-on-three battle?"

"Epicals! Does that even exist?"

"Well.. I'm fairly positive? But it'll be fun!" Mike bounced up and down like a toddler. Sadly enough, Ken joined him.

"No! Applebee's! Mr. Shockington! Make my day!"

"Pfft.. Mr. Shockington. What.. creative names." Mike was stifling his laughter.

"You won't be laughing when I'm through with you."

"Ludicolo! Exeggcute! Pound 'em!"

Ken's jaw hit the floor. "Woah! you have a Ludicolo?" Ken was touching his hat, annoying Ludicolo.

"Yeah. A trainer on the S.S. Anne was willing to trade." Mike seperated Ken and Ludicolo.

"Mind if I scan them with my Pokédex?"

"Knock yourself out." Ken removed the Pokédex from his pocket and scanned.

"Ludicolo- The Carefree Pokémon and the final form of Lotad. This Pokémon is best described as a Mexican party cactus. Vileplume- The Flower Pokémon and the final form of Oddish. Vileplume have the largest petals in the world and extremely allergenic pollen. Exeggcute- the Egg Pokémon. It converses with it's partners through telepathy."

"Ludi!" Ludicolo seemed ticked off.

"No! Bite on Exeggcute! Shocks! Thunder Ball on Ludicolo! Applebee's! Wing Attack on Vileplume!" The skillfully selected moves caused carnage on Mike's party.

"Quite a skilled trainer for a No-Badgey."

"DON'T CALL ME NOBADGEY!!" Ken almost literally exploded.

"Uhh.. okay." Mike's eyes zoned out. "Anyways, Vileplume! Use Poisonpowder on that Pikachu! Ludiculo! Bubblebeam on Meowth! Exeggcute! Psybeam on the Pidgey!"

"Why does yours know Psybeam?" Ken muttered.

"Pika pika pika pika pikaaaaaa!!!!" Mr. Shockington acted like it was the end of the world.

"Pika-pikachu!"

(I'm bleeding! It's the end for me!)

"Pidgey pi-pidgey!"

(Wait! Marissa! Hold on! Marissa! Marissa! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!)

"Meowry meowth."

(I feel you, bro.)

"Pidgey pidgey?"

(Why was I calling him Marissa, any way?)

"Calm down, guys. it's just a little poison."

"Pi..i..i..ika.." The rodent curled up at Ken's feet,

"Ok, maybe a lot poison. But it'll be over soon." Ken reached over to pet Mr. Shockington.

"Pikachu.."

"Uh, we have a battle to battle..?"

"Don't worry about that. All of you, encore! Not the move, mind you."

The Wing Attack soared towards the Vileplume. No lunged toward Exeggcute. Mr. Shockington charged electricity and fired.

"Good choice.. Nobadgey." Ken kicked Mike. "Ooh! If you need me after this, I'll be in the ER." Mike fainted! (Gained 397 Exp.) Actually, not really.

"Exeggcute! Use- Exeggcute?"

...

No response.

"Well, that's grand. Curse you dark type moves and your common finding in movepools. That leaves me down to two. "Vileplume! Razor Leaf, and don't screw it up! Ludicolo! Mud Sport!"

"Wait, how does he know Mud Sport?"

"...

I don't know."

"Well, crud."

Mr. Shockington was totally covered in mud, immobile.

"Cow crud. Really, really sticky crud."

"You know, when most people say crud, they don't mean poopie."

"I'm not most people."

"By the way, Electro Ball's attack power is not based off of type advantages, but attacker speed minus defender speed."

"...Oh... I was wondering why he was taking so long to kick the bucket." Ken said weakly. "You two, rinse and repeat. Me and Sir Shocking are gonna clean up." Ken reads niche novels too much and always carries a towel around, fortunately for the static mouse.

After the sparks flew, Vileplume was fainted. "Curse you flying types!"

"Do you always say something along those lines?"

"Curse you inquisitive people! Ludicolo! Surf!"

"That mexican party cactus knows a lot of weird moves."

"I know, right?"

Applebee's flew right over the enormous wave, however, No was caught in the tide mishap and put out of fighting conditions. Applebee's, solo, did a fatal attack on the mexican party cactus. Mike's jaw hit the floor.

"You.. did it. You're the first trainer to beat me since I joined this Gym!"

"How long ago was that?"

"Eh, about three days ago. You're also the first trainer to battle me."

"Do I get my badge now?"

"No, kiddo. You have to beat Erika first. But she just has one Venusaur at the moment and- Woah! What's that?"

Mike pointed at a spectacular flash of blue lights emerging from Applebee's and No.

"I.. don't know. It says here they're.. Ay-val-ving."

"Evolving. I just said 'What's that' to attract your attention."

After the show was over, the party had a group hug, even Hukynaga. "Congrats guys! This is a big step in our career and in the boundaries of awesomeness!"

"Pidgeotto!"

"Meowry meow.."

"Pika pika pi-pikachu!"

A series of squeaks came from the psychic Pokémon.

"Yay!" They all jumped into the air and froze like they do in the movies.
-------------------------------END OF CHAPTER 3---------------------------------------

Uliek, Kutie? Still no? :( Just kidding.

Kutie Pie
10th April 2012, 10:37 PM
*releases a long, long sigh from nose*

I don't think you're even trying anymore, RetardRaichu. This is still awful. Just because you have a longer chapter doesn't automatically make it better. In fact, do you even know what you're writing about anymore? The plot is going nowhere, and the battle scene was so all over the place (and very undescriptive to boot) I couldn't keep track of what was going on.

*sigh* Maybe breaking it apart will help...



Ken was in the Celadon Gym looking for competition to stall the time and learning more about the gym system.
"You have no badges," One of the Picnickers told him, "So you'll only fight one of us."

"That sounds cool! I just hope Erika is ready when I'm done. Can I battle you?"

This is really the only part that looks decent compared to the rest of the chapter, because at least it wasn't so full of badly-timed humor and was rather simple.


Picnicker Mike pulled out a calculator and tapped away. "I assume your party is about level twenty-five. I'll have to go easy on you."

He didn't give Ken his name, why did you tell us? And what do you mean Ken's party is at level twenty-five? Is that in total, or are all his Pokémon on level twenty-five?


"Well, what's your party's?"

Mike's eyes turned red and flaming. "Level Ex."

"Not really, right?"
"Nah. It's more like fourty in a party of three."
-------------------------
"Hukynaga, I choose you!"

"Pika-pika kachu!" Mr. Shockington exclaimed excitedly.

Where. Is. Your. Description. Boy? How many times have I told you to give us details? And that was a terrible, terrible transition, in fact, there shouldn't have been a time transition to begin with. You should have just shown them getting ready to battle, and Ken throwing the PokéBall to reveal it was his Abra instead of having us think you forgot the Pikachu's name.

And I thought his Abra's name was "Hukanaga". The "y" key is nowhere near the "a" key.


The Vileplume turned around and looked at Mike with a "Yeah.. Punk." face.

This is the only line that managed to get me to crack a smirk, but it's not redeemable enough.


"Aaaa-nyways.. Hukynaga! Use Psybeam!" The Abra shook it's head. "What? What's that? Huh? You don't know that? How about Psychic? No? Confusion? No? Then what do you know?" Hukynaga used Teleport and went back inside it's Pokéball. "Well, I guess that reduces my party down to three."

You have no idea how hard I am holding back my anger, RetardRaichu. We need details on what's going on, or else we're going to assume his Abra is just sitting there motionless while Ken is asking him a barrage of questions.


"Epicals! Does that even exist?"

Ken's question right there pretty much says it all. "Does that [word] even exist" indeed. What the heck did you mean by that? What, you trying to use a different meaning of "epic" or "awesome" or something?


"Well.. I'm fairly positive? But it'll be fun!" Mike bounced up and down like a toddler. Sadly enough, Ken joined him.

"No! Applebee's! Mr. Shockington! Make my day!"

Why is it sad that Ken bounced up and down like a toddler? And why did Ken yell out "no" but still let his Pokémon join in?


Ken's jaw hit the floor. "Woah! you have a Ludicolo?" Ken was touching his hat, annoying Ludicolo.

How is touching his hat annoying Ludicolo?


"Yeah. A trainer on the S.S. Anne was willing to trade." Mike seperated Ken and Ludicolo.

Wait, they were sizing each other up? WHAAAAAAAAAA?


"No! Bite on Exeggcute! Shocks! Thunder Ball on Ludicolo! Applebee's! Wing Attack on Vileplume!" The skillfully selected moves caused carnage on Mike's party.

No-no-no, you're writing a battle. You need to show us how the battle commenced, you don't tell us that the moves hit their target and caused a lot of damage.


"Pika pika pika pika pikaaaaaa!!!!" Mr. Shockington acted like it was the end of the world.

"Pika-pikachu!"

(I'm bleeding! It's the end for me!)

"Pidgey pi-pidgey!"

(Wait! Marissa! Hold on! Marissa! Marissa! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!)

"Meowry meowth."

(I feel you, bro.)

"Pidgey pidgey?"

(Why was I calling him Marissa, any way?)

This was what confused me to no end. The Pokémon are screaming their heads off, and yet the translation is below their dialogue? And... why is Applebees screaming out "Marissa" like that? That has nothing to do with anything, and it wasn't funny at all.

And what the heck was going on anyway?! You didn't describe what was happening to these Pokémon, all we got were their random screaming!


The Wing Attack soared towards the Vileplume. No lunged toward Exeggcute. Mr. Shockington charged electricity and fired.

I want you to imagine my face right now, RetardRaichu. Just... imagine what it looks like.

And you are saying no one went after the Exeggcute. Oh gosh dang it to heck...


"Good choice.. Nobadgey." Ken kicked Mike. "Ooh! If you need me after this, I'll be in the ER." Mike fainted! (Gained 397 Exp.) Actually, not really.

"Exeggcute! Use- Exeggcute?"

...

No response.

"Well, that's grand. Curse you dark type moves and your common finding in movepools. That leaves me down to two. "Vileplume! Razor Leaf, and don't screw it up! Ludicolo! Mud Sport!"

"Wait, how does he know Mud Sport?"

"...

I don't know."

"Well, crud."

RAAAAAAAGE!

What is going on here?! Ken kicked Mike and fainted him, and yet he managed to command Vileplume and Ludicolo to attack?! Whaaaaaaa?!

WE! NEED! DETAILS! Do NOT expect us to fill in the blank, this isn't MadLibs!


"By the way, Electro Ball's attack power is not based off of type advantages, but attacker speed minus defender speed."

What are you talking about Electro Ball for?! No one was using Electro Ball at all!


"...Oh... I was wondering why he was taking so long to kick the bucket." Ken said weakly. "You two, rinse and repeat. Me and Sir Shocking are gonna clean up." Ken reads niche novels too much and always carries a towel around, fortunately for the static mouse.

After the sparks flew, Vileplume was fainted. "Curse you flying types!"

Ugh, I'm getting ready to give up here, RetardRaichu, I don't know what to do with you. I don't have to explain anything here, because even I don't think you understand what is happening in this picture. Either you are trying to hard to be funny, you are trying too hard to be funny you're missing out important details, or you're just being lazy. It's either one or the other.


Applebee's flew right over the enormous wave, however, No was caught in the tide mishap and put out of fighting conditions. Applebee's, solo, did a fatal attack on the mexican party cactus. Mike's jaw hit the floor.


There's not even enough description there to make up for the battle. You at least mentioned some movement, but that was it, and even then, it was waaaaaay too vague. And is "No" one of the Pokémon's nicknames? The heck?!


"No, kiddo. You have to beat Erika first. But she just has one Venusaur at the moment and- Woah! What's that?"

Mike pointed at a spectacular flash of blue lights emerging from Applebee's and No.

"I.. don't know. It says here they're.. Ay-val-ving."

"Evolving. I just said 'What's that' to attract your attention."

*facepalm* Is Ken an idiot or what?


After the show was over, the party had a group hug, even Hukynaga. "Congrats guys! This is a big step in our career and in the boundaries of awesomeness!"

"Pidgeotto!"

"Meowry meow.."

"Pika pika pi-pikachu!"

A series of squeaks came from the psychic Pokémon.

"Yay!" They all jumped into the air and froze like they do in the movies.


BAD USE OF TRANSITION.

That was bad, RetardRaichu. I don't know what it is you expect me to do. I'm trying to help you write better by telling you what to do, but you aren't showing signs of that. Your first chapter is still better written than this AND chapter two combined, and that is NOT a good sign. You had a few weeks to write this chapter to the best of your ability, RetardRaichu. Is this really the best you can do? I really, really doubt it. This is telling me you don't care about this story, and you want to write more stories. How can I trust your future stories are not going to end up like this one? You need to prove to us you can write stories. We're trying to help you, but if you keep cranking out chapters looking like this, then I'm afraid you'll be a lost cause, RetardRaichu. Writing takes time and effort. Even if a short story was written in a couple of hours' time, at least the writer makes up for it by proofreading the story before publishing it on the web, for a magazine, or anything public.

If the next chapter isn't any better, then I'm leaving you alone, RetardRaichu, because honestly I'm getting very frustrated with this story and the lack of care it shows. Either get your act together and show some improvement on this story, or just abandon it and move on to something else that you would rather write than this. This is your final warning.

Interrupt
10th April 2012, 10:52 PM
@Attic Dweller

First, No is the name of the Meowth. You obviously didn't see the final draft. Mr. Shockington got mad at Ken and named him that. I honestly think Chapter 3 was the best chapter I've written yet. And please don't stop reading, I haven't even got to the Shadow Pokémon part yet. And if you're trying to help me, I never really got that. Sorry.

Second, "I don't think you're trying any more." Hurtful. :( You could get infracted for that.

Check the views. Check the posts.

Obviously, the only people who post don't like the fanfiction. If you don't like it, you've made your point and you don't have to say it again. Sometimes I worry that you don't have anything else to do.

P.S He was using Electro Ball. I called it Thunder Ball. x(

Kutie Pie
10th April 2012, 11:08 PM
@Attic Dweller

I'm trying to take you seriously here, but if you put down immature things like that, then it makes things worse for you.


First, No is the name of the Meowth. You obviously didn't see the final draft. Mr. Shockington got mad at Ken and named him that. I honestly think Chapter 3 was the best chapter I've written yet. And please don't stop reading, I haven't even got to the Shadow Pokémon part yet. And if you're trying to help me, I never really got that. Sorry.

First off, you didn't clarify very well that was the Meowth's name. I didn't check the final draft of chapter two because it looked the same to me, and I didn't want to rage over it.

Second, if you just now realized I was trying to help, then that proves to me you really don't care, haven't fully read the reviews, or both.


Second, "I don't think you're trying any more." Hurtful. :( You could get infracted for that.

Check the views. Check the posts.

Views and posts don't matter, it's the quality of the work that matters. And I really doubt I can get infracted for pointing out it looks like you're not trying, because the evidence is right there. The only thing you've improved on is inserting the dialogue into their own separate lines, but that also meant you cut back on detail that was there in the first chapter, which isn't a sign of improvement.


Obviously, the only people who post don't like the fanfiction. If you don't like it, you've made your point and you don't have to say it again. Sometimes I worry that you don't have anything else to do.

Then there would be more posts if people didn't like your story, to be frank with you. But obviously, the people who clicked the back button weren't interested, didn't know how to give a proper review, or something else, I don't know.

I keep coming back because I want to see you improve, RetardRaichu. If I stopped coming back, you wouldn't be getting any more reviews. I'll keep on making my point until you get it, that's my duty as a reviewer.


P.S He was using Electro Ball. I called it Thunder Ball. x(

You didn't specify that either, my point still stands.

The Great Butler
10th April 2012, 11:52 PM
You know what? I've stayed quiet this time, partially because Kutie Pie was saying everything I could possibly say, partially because I just couldn't make sense of the story, but this one made me unable to stay silent anymore.

Kutie Pie's reviewing style is a bit harsh for my tastes, but she has always given you good advice. What have you done to thank her? You've repeatedly spit in her face and the collective faces of all of us by 1) making excuses for poorly written chapters, 2) not making any effort to improve said chapters, 3) trolling for responses ('uliek, Kutie? Still no?') and 4) insulting and threatening your only reviewer when she begins getting frustrated with 1, 2 and 3.

No. You do not do that, especially when you have been given an incredibly wide berth and plenty of chances. Did I flip out and threaten Kutie Pie when I got one bad review? No, I put it under my hat and moved on. You've gotten several times that - plenty of chances to improve your writing and behavior - and this is how you repay someone who has given you all that?

I don't care if you really are 11 or 12 or whatever, this behavior is completely unacceptable. It doesn't matter how old you are, when you come to a place like this, you have to know that you will be treated fairly like any of us would be - and that includes being told when you're doing things wrong.

Pokemaniac24
11th April 2012, 1:19 AM
You know, I was just reading a few of the posts on this forum and before I even talk about your story, I think it's important to talk about your attitude on here. First of all, you can't act like a big baby every time you get criticism. The fact that Kutie Pie and The Great Butler are criticizing you and giving you advice shows they want you to do well and know you can do the better. If they didn't care at all and wanted you to fail, they wouldn't write anything. Then you go on to say that you give up and your dreams are ruined just because Kutie Pie didn't like your story. Dude, if your gonna act like that over one failure, you will really be in trouble in life. I'm just warning you. As for the story, it is pretty horrendous. I mean you give us absolutely no background on any of these characters. You seriously are making the Pokemon writers look like extraordinary writers. I mean why does he have to have a Pikachu that likes ketchup. That's way too much of a rip off of Ash. You are clearly not a talented writer like some of the other people I've seen. I have no interest in Ken. You gave us no reason to cheer for him. He is the definition of generic hero. He is not rootable. Ash was rootable and he was likeable and his adventures with Pikachu in the first episode made us care about him. You need more detail, more character development, more background. Ken is absolutely horrendous as a character and when you make us hate the lead character, you're gonna have a LONG way to go.

bobandbill
11th April 2012, 3:39 AM
RetardRaichu, dredging up other fics by name and saying they're totally worse than yours in your defense is really not helping your case. Just accept the criticism you're given, read the rules and be respectful of others, please. If you continue to act childishly, I may have to close this thread.

@Attic DwellerCool, seeing you're haven't listened to repeated mod posts telling you to refrain from things like that I'm go to close this. Start again once you're able to respond to criticism and use it for your fic without petty insults.