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Gelatino95
6th April 2012, 2:40 PM
http://i768.photobucket.com/albums/xx324/Gelatino95/Regius_banner2.png?t=1333676647

Rating: PG-13

Hello, faithful readers. This is my second attempt at a pokemon fic and my third fic in total. I haven't finished any of my previous fics but I'm hoping this one will be different. I've matured considerably since my last fic and I've learned a lot about writing, so I think I can make this better quality than my previous works. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

Keep in mind that while I'll be posting all the chapters as I make them, this is a work in progress until I deem it complete so it's very likely that I'll go back and make minor edits to some of the chapters. If I do anything major, I'll let you know.

Another thing: I'm still not finished with Supernova, and I may continue working on it. If so, then the chapters for this fic may not be updated on a consistent basis. So that you don't get bored waiting for chapters, you might want to follow Supernova as well for maximum entertainment value.

Note: Any similarities to other fics found in this story are purely coincidental unless stated otherwise.

Chapter I: Walter (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?567996-The-Legend-of-Regius&p=14384894#post14384894)
Chapter II: Manectric (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?567996-The-Legend-of-Regius&p=14387389#post14387389)
Chapter III: Manectric (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?567996-The-Legend-of-Regius&p=14392312#post14392312)

cooloolcool; knightfall; Kutie Pie; KickAsh; Sid87
Missingno. Master; TheEliteEmpoleon; charizard88; treeko's awesomeness; irock245
KYOGRE-D


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Chapter I: Walter

Author’s Note: This journal recounts my experiences in my travels. It is written in the form of a novel so as to create the best and most vivid recreation of the events that took place. In writing it, I saw to it that nothing was fabricated. All events are exactly as they were carried out on the days of my journey (at least, to the best of my memory). Once I am dead and gone like so many other unsung heroes, this journal will be all that keeps the story of that journey alive.

~~~

These days, I grow older and wearier by the minute. The life of adventure is no longer suited to me, I’m afraid. Even in my later years, however, I went off on life-changing journeys, and these fond memories are the only things I can cling to now. I oftentimes debate with myself over which of my many adventures of the past was my favorite and most memorable. One of them was the time when the man by the name of Gonzalo sent me on a journey to the remote island of Regius, where I completed a quest hundreds of years in the making.

I remember that day vividly. As it always was during the evening hours, the Atlantic Ocean seemed to glow a radiant orange to nearly match the sky above. The perfectly flat surface of the water off in the distance met seamlessly with the sky at the horizon. The brilliant golden sun masked itself behind a thick cloud, casting glowing light across the sky like a massive lampshade. Shallow waves lapped up against the sand which met with the serene ocean a dizzying height below the cliff face which I bravely hung my legs over. Swinging my feet into the abundantly open space below, I adjusted my hat and mused upon how everything in the world- the ocean, the sky, the beach, the cliff face- are all connected one way or another. Beyond the ocean, everything connects with everything else there, and even all the way back here on the little island I call home.

Of course, nobody else thinks of this island as a small one. Hoenn, as it turns out, spans a relatively far distance despite being an ordinary volcanic island not connected to any major land masses. But to each his own, as I always say.

I could feel my skin tingle underneath my sport coat. To the side, my friend dozed off, curled up into a neat little ball of bristling blue fur. Waiting here on the promenade likely bored him, despite the magnificent view of the evening sunset. He shivered contentedly in his sleep, causing more small sparks to dance from his skin and tickle my side. Manectric was his name, as well as the name of his species. A bright blue coat which mingled with striking yellow details gave him a whimsical appearance in contrast to all the great beauty around me, but I found beauty in him nonetheless. His canine build and feral appearance coupled with his striking coloration made him seem like something new to this world. Paws twitched as he slept peacefully, claws scraping at the air. Sparks flurried down his fur like sprinkles on a birthday cake. His fiery, expressive eyes were shut tight and hidden from sight while he sat there and dreamed of whatever Pokémon dream about.

Some light footsteps sounded behind me, accompanied by the clinking of metal. I didn’t turn around and instead continued to stare at the horizon. The steps grew close and finally stopped behind me.

“Seńor Edington, I presume? Walter Edington?”

Upon hearing the voice, I slowly but deliberately turned around and looked up at the man towering above me. He glared at me, scrutinizing my features carefully. He was slightly dark-skinned, which, along with the clear Spanish accent, implied that he was foreign.

I stood up, careful not to awaken Manectric by my side. I soon realized that this man was a few inches shorter than me and I made an effort to stand up straight. “That is correct,” I replied. “And you are Gonzalo, correct?”

The man smiled thinly. “You got my letter, then.”

I quickly stuck a hand in my coat pocket and pulled out a carefully folded piece of paper. I unfolded it and displayed the handwritten note to him. Gonzalo smiled once again. “So you did.” Gonzalo put a hand up to his face and stroked his thin black mustache. “So you understand why I’m here.”

“I certainly do,” I said with dignity in my voice. This man, named Gonzalo according to his letter, was clearly Spanish. The ornate clothing he wore likely indicated that he was a sailor, too. His long naval jacket would have billowed in the wind behind him, had it not been weighed down by the gold he wore all over parts of his body. The sheath of a sword, plated with gold, hung by his side while gold chains spilled out of some of his pockets.

“The way I understand it,” I continued as I read the note, “you’ve located an island far from the shore of Lilycove that is uncharted on most maps. You want me to go investigate the island for any kind of archeological remains. This is all correct?”

Gonzalo looked pensive for a moment. “Yes, that is basically my request. You see, I recently came across this island on my way from Spain. The curious thing is that this island wasn’t charted on any of my maps of the area. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to explore the island, seeing as my crew and I are currently on a time-sensitive mission for his highness, el Rey. However, a map of the area came into my possession while we were docked here in Lilycove.”

Gonzalo put his hand into one of his deep coat pockets, reached past the collections of gold chains, and procured a weathered old piece of paper, rolled up into a tube. Gonzalo unrolled it and offered it to me, so I grabbed it and analyzed it. The island depicted on the map was relatively nondescript, shaped somewhat like a teardrop. Likely a volcanic island which formed recently in comparison to large islands like Hoenn. Various terrains of the island were drawn on, showing the areas where forests, beaches, and rocky terrain lay.

One notable thing about the map was that it contained no writing on it whatsoever, not even a compass rose. The only text on it was scribbled in messy handwriting at the top, above the island. It read:


"το βασιλικό"

“We can only assume that these characters at the top of the page are the name of the island, in whatever language the cartographer spoke,” explained Gonzalo.

I wasn’t content at that time with the explanation that Gonzalo gave me. So he’s on a mission for the Spanish king. This man is in direct contact with the king and he’s apparently filthy rich, so why in the world is he hiring me instead of some professional archeologist? I asked him this.

“Because, seńor Edington,” he said with a noticeably cool demeanor, “believe it or not, a man even of my status has heard of your adventurous endeavors before. Was it not you who served his highness countless years ago?”

I nodded. The event to which Gonzalo was referring to was the time I rescued the priceless golden cross which previously belonged to Coronado. The cross itself had little value to me, since I was living comfortably as a successful merchant during that time, so the monetary value wasn’t an issue. The reason I gave chase to the foul brigands who stole that piece of history in the first place was because of exactly that: they were thieves and justice had to be served one way or another.

I was far younger and more adventurous during those times, anyway. I never would have been able to catch those thieves at my older age. What’s more, I was no longer a successful merchant when Gonzalo came to visit me. A merchant company had largely monopolized the industry in Lilycove, and parliament certainly wasn’t going to do anything about it as long as the wheels of the economy kept turning. In other words, I was out of a job. Despite my qualms in the offers that Gonzalo gave me, I knew that he was a rich man and would pay handsomely. This man was Spanish pride incarnate, although he was somehow able to remain free of snobbery and only acted sincere to me. Was I really that important to him? Or only an excellent actor?

“The people of my home know about you, Walter,” said Gonzalo, addressing me by my first name only. He was beginning to use informal speech, likely trying to subconsciously gain my trust. I saw through his efforts. “His highness would be greatly appreciative of your services. And I’m certain you already assume that you will be paid for your services, and you would be correct.” Quick as a flash, Gonzalo drew his sword, stuck it into his coat pocket, and pulled out a small velvet sack on the tip of the blade all in one smooth movement. He carried out the display of swordsmanship casually, as if he did it every day. I tried not to flinch as he pushed the blade toward me.

“Consider this a down payment,” whispered Gonzalo with a wink. I cupped my hands, allowing the sack to fall into my grasp. It was unusually heavy for an object of its size and I could feel the dozens upon dozens of gold coins settling in my palms. “Now you are willing to complete my assignment?”

I already knew what I was going to say. There was no way that this deal would hurt me; I’m getting paid, I have nothing else to do, and I have a chance to uncover a piece of human history at this previously uncharted island. However, I looked pensive for a moment to keep Gonzalo interested. “Well, I suppose I have nothing to lose,” I finally said with a shrug. “How am I to get to the island?”

“Excellent!” shouted Gonzalo, nearly ignoring the question. His exclamation caused Manectric to shake itself awake on the ground, but Gonzalo ignored it as well. “I can have you sent to the island tomorrow. I know an aviation expert in the area who will be able to fly you across the ocean.” With that, Gonzalo sheathed his sword. “Your transport will be waiting for you by the docks at high noon, so don’t be late. I wish you luck on your travels.” He turned around quickly on his heel and marched away without saying another word.

I was now there alone on the promenade with Manectric, which shook itself and sent sparks flying all through the air around it. Manectric looked up at me with tired red eyes. I smiled for the first time that day and said, “I think it’s about time we headed home, Manectric. We have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow.” I began to walk away toward the bustling port town of Lilycove close by and Manectric followed me close behind. As I walked, I stuffed Gonzalo’s note into my coat pocket.

To this day, I still keep the note that started this grand adventure. Here is a copy of the note:

To the esteemed Walter Edington:

I, Gonzalo the Great, personal naval captain of his highness, the King of Spain, write to you to inform you of an opportunity we have for you. Recently, on a journey across the Atlantic, my crew and I located an island which was not drawn on any of our sea charts. Due to the circumstances, we were not able to investigate the island. Upon landing in Lilycove, however, I spoke with many men about this island, hoping to gain some insight to this strange phenomenon. None of the men I spoke with knew anything about an uncharted volcanic island except for one man who gave me an unorthodox map of the island written in a foreign language. Now that I have the map and I know its location, I would explore the island myself, had I not already been engaged in a vitally important mission for his majesty, the King. This is why I want to employ your services. We all remember how you have so graciously served us in the past, so we call upon your aid once more. I want you to explore this uncharted island and see if there is anything of importance there, whether it be valuable treasure or archeological remains. We are willing to pay you handsomely for your efforts. Be sure to consider this offer, as I will be coming to meet you in person to discuss it. Meet me at seven o’ clock sharp in the western cliffs of Lilycove on the eleventh of December and don’t be late, for I am a busy man and don’t have excess time on my hands.

Best of wishes,

Gonzalo the Great

TheEliteEmpoleon
6th April 2012, 4:35 PM
I like it! With a first chapter like this, I can't wait to see where the entire story ends up!
But with Spain and the Atlantic Ocean included, are you implying that our world is the same as the Pokemon world?

cooloolcool
6th April 2012, 5:28 PM
PM list Please! I am glad that I asked to be notified of this fic. Much detail. You are clearly skilled at writing.


I like it! With a first chapter like this, I can't wait to see where the entire story ends up!
But with Spain and the Atlantic Ocean included, are you implying that our world is the same as the Pokemon world?

I also wonder this...

Gelatino95
6th April 2012, 6:01 PM
I like it! With a first chapter like this, I can't wait to see where the entire story ends up!
But with Spain and the Atlantic Ocean included, are you implying that our world is the same as the Pokemon world?

It means that the regions in the pokemon world have a place on our world map. Hoenn is in the Caribbean sea.

And if you think this first chapter is good, just wait. We haven't even gotten to any of the action yet. To be completely honest, I was afraid that this chapter would be too boring and wouldn't attract any readers.


PM list Please! I am glad that I asked to be notified of this fic. Much detail. You are clearly skilled at writing.

Added and thanks!

Knightfall
6th April 2012, 6:43 PM
Wow, I'm impressed. It sounds like Walter is kinda like Indiana Jones in a way, at least in my opinion.

This is shaping into an epic adventure: uncharted islands, starnge maps, gold coins, mysterious employers, and this is only the first chapter.

I request to be placed on the PM list, I don't want to miss whatever comes next.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Gelatino95
6th April 2012, 6:47 PM
Wow, I'm impressed. It sounds like Walter is kinda like Indiana Jones in a way, at least in my opinion.

This is shaping into an epic adventure: uncharted islands, starnge maps, gold coins, mysterious employers, and this is only the first chapter.

I request to be placed on the PM list, I don't want to miss whatever comes next.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Once again, I'm shocked that this chapter was so alluring. Added to the list.

Also, the reference to Coronado's cross is from The Last Crusade

Kutie Pie
6th April 2012, 8:17 PM
Why are you so shocked, Gelatino, you met the requirements needed to catch our attention. You introduced us to our main character nicely (with more details to come, I assume), along with the promise of adventurous exploration of an unknown island. While it's not the best introduction in the world, it certainly has grabbed out attentions, especially with how mysterious Gonzalo is acting. I'm getting the feeling we shouldn't be trusting him, but that's just me. (And no, it's not because he's Spanish, it's from the way he acts.)

I too also questioned the use of the real world, but before you answered that question, I was reminded of how the anime and the games pointed out real locations, so I figured that's what you were imitating, which isn't a bad thing, mind you. The idea of Hoenn being in the Caribbean makes sense, actually, it does have that atmosphere after all.

I got interested about a couple of days ago when I saw the banner of promise depicting the three Regis. While they're not a favorite Legendary of mine, I find it interesting to see how other people portray them, since they're so left out a lot of times. So while I am here for them, there is something about these two characters you gave us that tells me they're going to be more interesting. But we shall see. You have a great writing style, so no matter what, I'm going to be entertained.

Please slap me on the PM list, I'd like to see where this is going.

Gelatino95
6th April 2012, 8:23 PM
Why are you so shocked, Gelatino, you met the requirements needed to catch our attention. You introduced us to our main character nicely (with more details to come, I assume), along with the promise of adventurous exploration of an unknown island. While it's not the best introduction in the world, it certainly has grabbed out attentions, especially with how mysterious Gonzalo is acting. I'm getting the feeling we shouldn't be trusting him, but that's just me. (And no, it's not because he's Spanish, it's from the way he acts.)

Glad to see that my methods worked (unintentionally so, but they work nonetheless)


I too also questioned the use of the real world, but before you answered that question, I was reminded of how the anime and the games pointed out real locations, so I figured that's what you were imitating, which isn't a bad thing, mind you. The idea of Hoenn being in the Caribbean makes sense, actually, it does have that atmosphere after all.

I never liked to entertain the notion that the pokemon world is completely separate from the real world, with completely different continents and whatnot. To my logical and calculating mind, it just seemed like too much of a coincidence that two vastly different worlds could be so fundamentally simple. It's also something I picked up off of Cutlerine, so he deserves some credit for the idea.


I got interested about a couple of days ago when I saw the banner of promise depicting the three Regis. While they're not a favorite Legendary of mine, I find it interesting to see how other people portray them, since they're so left out a lot of times. So while I am here for them, there is something about these two characters you gave us that tells me they're going to be more interesting. But we shall see. You have a great writing style, so no matter what, I'm going to be entertained.

The Regis are actually my favorite legendaries and the very concept of golems is interesting to me- bits of inanimate material brought to life. I wanted to delve into what the Regis could have been built for, how they feel about being different from all other forms of life, and how other people view them.


Please slap me on the PM list, I'd like to see where this is going.

Added

Sidewinder
6th April 2012, 8:41 PM
Please bear with me, as I'm doing this from my iPhone and it's hard for me to put things into quotations, etc.

It certainly is an alluring premise. I felt some Indiana jones undertones throughout the read (which is a good thing, as it's one of the most massive cinematic achievements in history). It is a refreshing beginning to a story, and from what I can tell, is assuredly going to be very unique. Got the Coronado reference too, btw.

The description of the sunlight stood out to me quite a bit. Looking at sunlight through clouds is something I like doing a great deal, and believe it or not, I've also compared it to a glowing lampshade lol. One thing that did bother me about the description though, was when it came to Manectric. There was hardly any description of it at all, I believe the only thing that was mentioned was its fur color and build. Granted, 99% of people who read your fic will know what a Manectric looks like, but putting more description into it would be beneficial. Especially when it's going to be a major part of the story (judging from your banner where one is included). I like to visualize pokemon in my head as I read, and here I found that somewhat difficult. You may try more description with coming chapters, especially things that make that pokemon different than other members of it's specie. Height, weight, eye color, claw length, etc, are all things that can enhance the image a reader forms in their mind

As for the plot, it seems appealing. Nothing like an adventure for an old man to liven him back up. It seems odd that not much is known about the island, especially since it seems that the fic is set in somewhat present day (though I may be mistaken). It does add tothe mystery of the place. I noticed the ghastly in the banner, as well as all three regi's in your previous banner, so I'm hoping that they have a major role. I don't see the three of them in Fics very much, so I'm excited to see how you portray them

btw, I really liked walter's backstory and thought you did a really good job explaining how he gotto where he was at in his life. Nicely done

I can't say that the chapter REALLY thrilled me, but it has grabbed my attention. It seems like a very original idea, and one that opens up alot of possibilities. You have a good beginning here, and if you keep with the mysticism that I see in your signature and the first chapter, I'm sure this will turn out to be quite a good read. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter

Gelatino95
6th April 2012, 9:01 PM
The description of the sunlight stood out to me quite a bit. Looking at sunlight through clouds is something I like doing a great deal, and believe it or not, I've also compared it to a glowing lampshade lol. One thing that did bother me about the description though, was when it came to Manectric. There was hardly any description of it at all, I believe the only thing that was mentioned was its fur color and build. Granted, 99% of people who read your fic will know what a Manectric looks like, but putting more description into it would be beneficial. Especially when it's going to be a major part of the story (judging from your banner where one is included). I like to visualize pokemon in my head as I read, and here I found that somewhat difficult. You may try more description with coming chapters, especially things that make that pokemon different than other members of it's specie. Height, weight, eye color, claw length, etc, are all things that can enhance the image a reader forms in their mind

I can see how that description would help. If I get around to it, perhaps I'll add some more details to Manectric's appearance. If anything, showing his lazy state would contribute to the placid mood.


As for the plot, it seems appealing. Nothing like an adventure for an old man to liven him back up. It seems odd that not much is known about the island, especially since it seems that the fic is set in somewhat present day (though I may be mistaken). It does add tothe mystery of the place. I noticed the ghastly in the banner, as well as all three regi's in your previous banner, so I'm hoping that they have a major role. I don't see the three of them in Fics very much, so I'm excited to see how you portray them

Actually, the story is set near the beginning of the nineteenth century, on the cusp of European imperialism. Some of the Caribbean islands are British colonies, and Walter had presumably worked as a merchant, distributing the raw goods produced by the islands throughout the British empire. However, a British company came by and did practically the same job except in greater volume, so that's why Walter was out of a job. He was smart to go to the Caribbean sea, though. Raw materials were important to sustain the British empire and selling them would be a great way to make revenue. I assume he was a British colonist, or descended from one.

Also, there hasn't been a formal king in Spain for a while so that might help you infer the time period


I can't say that the chapter REALLY thrilled me, but it has grabbed my attention. It seems like a very original idea, and one that opens up alot of possibilities. You have a good beginning here, and if you keep with the mysticism that I see in your signature and the first chapter, I'm sure this will turn out to be quite a good read. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter

Glad you like it so far.

KickAsh
6th April 2012, 10:23 PM
Great intro, quite promising and definitely makes me want to come back for more. I'm intrigued and interested in seeing where this is going.
I am curious, though: Does Walter have other Pokemon, besides from Manectric? If so, will we see them?
Anyway, great start, sign me up on the PM list.

Gelatino95
6th April 2012, 11:04 PM
Great intro, quite promising and definitely makes me want to come back for more. I'm intrigued and interested in seeing where this is going.
I am curious, though: Does Walter have other Pokemon, besides from Manectric? If so, will we see them?
Anyway, great start, sign me up on the PM list.

Right now Manectric is his only pokemon. He'll get more eventually. Added.

Missingno. Master
7th April 2012, 12:20 AM
Saw you advertise this fic in the fanfic club, figured I'd give it a look. So far, I must say, I like what I see.

Sid87
7th April 2012, 12:36 AM
I dig this, as well. Can you add me to your PM list?

Gelatino95
7th April 2012, 1:26 AM
Saw you advertise this fic in the fanfic club, figured I'd give it a look. So far, I must say, I like what I see.

That was kind of illegal advertising as I now know, but I'm still glad you like it.


I dig this, as well. Can you add me to your PM list?

Added

Ideally, the next chapter should be out tomorrow

Missingno. Master
7th April 2012, 3:01 AM
Oh yeah, that reminds me, can I be on the PM list too? Can't believe I didn't ask in the first place...

Gelatino95
7th April 2012, 3:45 AM
Oh yeah, that reminds me, can I be on the PM list too? Can't believe I didn't ask in the first place...

Added

Also, it turns out I lied. The next chapter isn't going to be out tomorrow. I just finished it. So, here it is. A quick note: Along with all your other reviews, I want to know specifically if you think the fight scene in this chapter is too long. I'll use your feedback as an example for writing future battles.

Chapter II: Manectric

Today was a really exciting day. Nothing amazing happened, unfortunately, but I was excited nonetheless. I get excited whenever it’s time to go on a journey. I understood perfectly well that being away from home so long and exploring a strange and new land would be quite a chore, but somehow the idea appealed to me. Maybe I wanted to get away from my monotonous life here in Lilycove. Don’t get me wrong; I love relaxing at home, watching my master read and write, doing errands, and challenging rowdy men at the tavern to Pokémon battles. Sometimes, I guess I get tired of this life and want to experience something new. Some people like to stay at home and never change. I’m not one of those people. The very prospect of going on a long journey away from home makes my blood pump faster through my electrically-charged veins. Why wait? Let’s go on our adventure right now!

Of course, my master wasn’t ready to go just yet. As with any good adventure, there were preparations to be made. Had it not been for my master’s guidance, I would jump the gun and leave this city on the spot. My master has lived for many more years than I and he has gone on far more adventures. He is a trustworthy man and an experienced one, and I respect him for that. Therefore, I decide to stay by his side. If anything, living like this makes my life simple and I can confide that my life is in good hands.

The second I woke up, my master was already preparing to go out on the town. Leaving the house was an adventure in and of itself, seeing as most of my waking hours were spent inside with my master. It’s hard to imagine a time in my life when I’m not excited about something. We both left the house and my master locked the door behind us. He rarely told me where we were going when we left the house, which made it even more of an adventure. I could hardly wait to see where we were going.

The first place we stopped at was the Poké ball shop. We rarely came here, so I wasn’t familiar with the area. I smelled the wooden floor when we came in. Countless different people had been here, and very few of them were regulars. I smelled fresh soil stuck to the bottoms of their shoes. Travelers, perhaps?

“Ah, you're back.” The shopkeeper looked over his spectacles at my master. He had a purple Poké ball in his hand and was polishing it meticulously. "It's about time."

“Yes,” my master replied curtly. I loved watching his bushy mustache move as he talked, though he preferred to talk only in terse statements, so I didn’t get that full pleasure. “I take it you’ve completed my order?”

The shopkeeper sighed shallowly. I could already tell there was going to be trouble. “Your order was considerably large, sir. I’m trying to run a business here...”

“Don’t dodge the question.” My master snapped the shopkeeper’s mouth shut with his words. My head lowered upon hearing this exchange. I didn’t really care much for what sort of business my master conducted, but I was more concerned about him. I looked up, curious yet apprehensive as he spoke up again, a bit quieter this time. “I ordered twenty Poké balls. How many did you make for me?”

“Well, that’s just the thing, sir.” The shopkeeper was avoiding my master’s eyes. He was intimidated but didn’t want to show it. I believe I’m perceptive of these sorts of things. “I had some Poké balls made, ready to be picked up... but you must understand, sir, I had other customers waiting to be served as well. I’m afraid I couldn’t hold my merchandise for you and refuse to serve any other paying customers.” He took in a sharp breath and began polishing his lenses. “In short, sir, I’m afraid we don’t have enough in stock to complete your order. My sincerest apologies.”

I wasn’t listening much to this exchange. I was more curious as to what this shop had to offer. I stood up on my hind legs and placed my paws on the counter behind which the shopkeeper stood. Looking across the room, I saw that there were countless shelves lining the walls, adorned with Poké balls of all colors and designs. These were the capsules that humans used to carry especially unwieldy Pokémon around with them. I was relatively easy to transport so I could stay out of my ball most of the time.

Before I could make any further observations, the shopkeeper planted his hand on my chest and pushed me backwards, sending me tumbling to the floor. I whimpered under my breath. I wasn’t concerned for my own welfare at all, but I was much more worried to see how my master would react to such treatment.

“I say, please keep your mutt’s dingy paws off my counter!” The shopkeeper promptly procured a cloth and wiped down the area where I stood with one hand and shook the sparks off his other hand.

My master simply remained silent and kept a disinterested semblance, as he often does. It would seem as if he liked to keep his feelings hidden from others. For what reason, I couldn’t hope to know. I could only assume that under his mask of indifference, my master was deeply irritated at the shopkeeper’s unkind treatment of me.

A brief silence ensued, which felt much longer due to the tense atmosphere between the two men. The shopkeeper let out a cough to break the silence and stated hesitantly, “If it’s any consolation, I just finished carving some Poké balls of my own design. I could give them to you for no extra charge to atone for my mishap.”

As usual, my master appeared indifferent. I could rarely guess what he was thinking based solely on his expressions. “Poké balls of your own design? Let me see.”

He put down the purple Poké ball in his hand, then reached below the counter and brought out three more matching ones. Each was painted purple on the top half and white on the bottom, with two pink spots and a white letter “M” between them.

The shopkeeper smiled thinly as my master scrutinized the four balls laid out before him. “I call them Master Balls. I designed them myself. If my calculations are correct, then they should be able to capture any Pokémon without fail.”

My master raised an eyebrow incredulously at this claim. “Without fail, you say? I’m sure you’re not the only one to attempt designing a perfect Poké ball. What makes yours any different from the others?”

The shopkeeper’s smug grin disappeared instantly. “All I know is that I stayed up countless nights perfecting my design. Whether or not you choose to believe me, I’m giving you these four balls for free as compensation. You would be wise to take them.”

I could almost feel my master seething with rage at the insolence of the shopkeeper. I managed to crack a smile imagining the steam flying out of his ears. But when he spoke, he returned to his steely gaze and peaceful speech.

“Very well.” My master procured a small sack from his jacket pocket and pulled out a small handful of gold coins, dropping them on the counter with a resonating clatter. Without another word, he grasped all of his balls and dropped them in his pocket. He then promptly left for the door.

I lingered behind for a moment to see if the shopkeeper would offer my master his money back, since the balls were free of charge, as he said. Just as I expected, the shopkeeper gathered up all the gold coins and immediately started counting them. He then gave one final sneer to my master as he left the shop. I whimpered and followed him out the door.

~~~

Our next stop was the tavern. This was where we went for lunch every day, and despite our frequent visits, I was excited to go there. I got quite a workout at the tavern; there were always tough men there who were itching for a good Pokémon battle. It seemed that the men were proud to show off their strong Pokémon which they had no doubt spent many tedious hours training. My master was no exception, though he seemed more reserved about it. I, however, was always prepared to do my best in battle and show off my abilities, hoping to please my master.

I followed after my master through the swinging wooden doors of the tavern. Upon entering that room, it was like entering a whole new world. The loud, steady murmur of the crowd resonated into every corner of the tavern. Ambient light provided by lanterns hanging from the ceiling was sufficient to bask the whole area in a warm orange light. But most of all, the smell of musty sailors, mixed with the pleasing aroma of fresh food and alcoholic beverages of all varieties, really characterized the tavern. I came here ever since I was a little Electrike puppy, so these particular sensory details brought a pleasing nostalgic feeling to me.

It seemed that my master wanted to walk up to the bar of the tavern, so I followed. However, before we got there, we were met by the gruff, booming voice of an old sailor.

“Walt!” said the sailor heartily. The low, intimidating rumble of the old man’s voice was mismatched with his appearance. He had sparse white tufts of hair above his wrinkled forehead and two wizened eyes on his face. The rest of his body was obscured by a long naval coat which swished just above the floor when he stood up. I sat down on the ground and watched the coat move intently as he talked with my master.

He continued, somewhat quieter than before, “So, I was told you’re leaving. Is that so?”

My master responded, “That is correct.” Even when speaking with friends, he maintained his cool demeanor, but it was considerably easier to tell his feelings just from the timbre of his voice. Right now he was employing a lightly dejected tone (certain tones were used in varying degrees of intensity). “I’ve been hired by a wealthy Spanish naval officer to travel to an uncharted island and explore on behalf of Spain. Nothing especially exciting.”

“You don’t say?” The old man put a hand to his chin and his wizened eyes turned pensive. “Well, if your employer is as wealthy as you say, then you’ll be sittin’ pretty for a while if you pull of the job!” He extended a hand, which my master shook vigorously. “Good for you!”

“I’m glad you think so,” my master replied. “Perhaps I’ll share some of the money if I’m feeling generous.”

“Oh-ho-ho!” chuckled the man, slapping a hand on my master’s back. “We’ll all be stinking rich! You’re a good man, Walt. What do you say you challenge your old pal Briney to one more battle before you go?”

Briney was an old friend of my master. Apparently they served in the royal British navy together and they both moved to Hoenn when it came under possession of the British empire. Briney lived on the other side of the island, near Petalburg, but he sailed by Lilycove frequently to meet with all his other sailor friends, including my master. Since they were both accomplished Pokémon trainers, this of course meant that battles were inevitable. My master and I had some preparing to do before we left on our journey, but of course he couldn’t turn down the offer of that jolly old man.

“Sure, why not?”

Briney answered with a wide grin, so wide that it seemed like the top of his head would separate itself from the rest of his body. Without another word he turned around and started off in the opposite direction, walking slowly and deliberately, thumping on the floor with each step of his naval boots. The crowds around him hushed and made a wide circle around the two combatants; the customers of the tavern were accustomed to frequent Pokémon battles, so they could recognize the swaggering step that indicated a battle was about to start.

I knew what to do at this point. Without being told, I stepped forward into the circle made by the crowd, all by myself in the makeshift battlefield. It wasn’t so much of a circle as some sort of indeterminate shape, since there were tables and booths for people to eat at lining the sides of the battlefield, only providing a narrow alley to battle in. Still, it was enough room for a good scuffle. I turned my head back and looked at my master. He nodded in approval. That sort of approval was all I needed to motivate myself. I was ready to try my very hardest.

Briney stood at his opposite end of the circle. He drew a plain Poké ball from his jacket pocket and held it out. The room was flooded with a brief flash of light; when the light faded, a tall red crustacean was standing before me. He stood up straight, coming up to Briney’s chest. As if to flaunt his nonexistent status, a massive yellow star and two blue stripes adorned his head. He smiled upon seeing me and snapped his unwieldy claws in the air with pleasure.

“Hey, Manectric!” he shouted in a gravelly voice which mimicked his trainer’s. “Havin’ another go at me, eh?” The Crawdaunt knocked his claw against his chest, making a hollow noise. “Think you can take ol’ Pepper in a good ol’ fashioned tussle? I’m ready when you are, lad!”

Pepper was one of my closest friends. I met him when I was just a little Electrike and he was just a Corphish, way back when I first met my master. While my master and Briney were close friends, I was friends with Briney’s Pokémon. Pepper was a couple years older than me, so he taught me some of the essentials to becoming a skillful battler. We’ve been sparring for years and we’re still not sure which of us was better; I guess you could say we had a rivalry of sorts, but a friendly one.

“I’m always ready to fight you, Pepper,” I replied in good spirits. “Let’s make this a good, clean fight.”

“Aye.”

The air was tense as both battlers concocted their strategies. I wasn’t ready to attack until my master commanded me to; not only would it be rash to attack prematurely, but it would greatly displease him. Pepper, on the other hand, looked like he was ready to burst out of his shell if he didn’t get to attack soon; his eyes were trained on me and his pincers were snapping at the air.

Finally, my master spoke up. “Let’s give them a fighting chance, boy. No electric attacks until we’re out of other options.” I nodded in agreement. Pepper was a water-type, so using electric moves would be far too easy. Pepper doesn’t have that sort of offensive advantage over me. However, that left me with the problem of his indestructible armor.

He finally appended curtly, “Use Bite. Aim for the arms.”

“Don’t let ‘im, Pepper!” shouted Briney in response. His jolly semblance was lost during the battle. “If he gets too close, hit ‘im with a Vicegrip he won’t forget!”

Briney’s command was in vain, however. I could tell even before starting my attack. I darted forward at blinding speed. Less than a second later, I was standing in a different spot. Pepper tried to track my movements with his recessed eyes, but I was too quick. I darted to the side. Then I darted back. Forward some more. He was struggling to keep up with me. I darted straight in front of him. It took a second for his brain to register, and then with speed almost parallel to mine, his claw snapped forward. But not fast enough—I drew back a couple steps, out of his reach. I darted around some more to confuse him. Finally, I disappeared from sight. Pepper looked around frantically for me, and he finally found me—clamping down on his arm with my jaw.

My master and I both knew that a Crawdaunt’s weak point is on its arm, the part that connects its pincer to its body. This was where its armor was very thin, and very easy to reach. I grabbed on with all my might. It almost pained me to hear Pepper’s cries of distress, but I’ve known him long enough to know that he’s a hardy creature. I continued hanging on as long as I could. I was concentrating so hard, I hardly even noticed Pepper’s other claw coming up in front of me.

It was too late; his claw nicked the end of my nose. I yelped, fearing that he would pull my nose clean off. He didn’t, however. That yelp of mine was just enough to dislodge me from his armor. He took the opportunity to reach around and grip my abdomen. I could almost feel my pupils shrink as I realized that he was in control of the battle now. A Crawdaunt’s claw was stronger than the force of a barrel full of bricks pressing down on you. Pepper happened to be an experienced Crawdaunt, stronger than average. He could kill me right this second if he wanted to squeeze hard enough. I knew he wouldn’t, since this wasn’t a fight to the death, but the fear gripped me nonetheless. Call it survival instinct.

Rather than crushing my ribcage on the spot, Pepper raised me above his head, reared back, and tossed me across the room. I sailed through the air for a few seconds and then landed limply at my master’s feet. Weak sparks flew off my skin and fell to the floor. A sign that I still had energy to battle.

My master asked anyway: “Are you feeling okay, boy?” He appeared to be genuinely worried, but no more than usual. I would never displease my master like this, nor let down my own pride. My legs shook a little as I did it, but I promptly stood up and growled fiercely. The small crowd erupted in applause at my display of fighting spirit. I enjoyed the attention of the crowd, of course, but my motivation came only from my master.

Briney was chortling to himself loudly. “Are you sure you don’t jus’ want to quit now? Your Manectric looks like it’s taken quite a beating there!” Pepper let out his own rumbling laugh as well.

“I’m afraid you’re not going to be that lucky today, Briney,” my master replied reassuringly. I smiled at his perseverance. He then gave his order. “Same thing, boy, but watch out for those claws.”

I darted off again at a speed that nearly made me invisible. I flew back and forth to confuse Pepper. However, this time, I noticed he wasn’t looking around. His body was still as a statue, looking straight forward. He was wise to my plans, so I decided to adopt a different strategy in return.

I stopped darting. I stood still and watched Pepper from afar. He still didn’t move. I walked forward slowly, each padded foot hitting the floor silently as I approached the enemy. Pepper watched me curiously. The crowd was hushed, full of anticipation. Nobody could predict my next move. That’s good, because neither could Pepper. Once I was relatively close, I started bounding forward at full speed, fangs bared. Pepper finally moved into position. He raised his claws in a defensive position, ready to take on my attack with his iron-clad armor and get me in his grips once more. I jumped up in the air and was ready to land on him at any second. Pepper snapped a claw in the air as I came down...

...But his claw only grabbed the air. I had disappeared from sight. Pepper didn’t grow frantic at all. He whipped his body around as fast as he could and saw me standing right behind him. Before he could even raise a claw, I pounced forward and knocked him over.

It wasn’t so easy for Pepper to move with his stiff body on the ground. He flailed all his limbs, desperate to regain balance. He couldn’t reach me. I licked my lips and prepared to bite down on his feeble arm.

I felt a claw grip around my neck. A shiver went down my spine. Having a claw around my ribs was bad enough, but having one around my neck felt so much worse. Just as I was about to bite down on him, Pepper gripped down on me instead. He got right back up to his feet—apparently, being on the ground wasn’t as much of a problem as I anticipated—and held me up in the air by my neck.

I had finally lost my cool at that point. My legs flailed in the air, gripping on nothing at all. I whimpered. Pepper squeezed his grip on me slightly. I heard his rumbling laugh again. I knew he wasn’t going to kill me, but at this point I was beginning to doubt myself. The only thing that kept me on the brink of sanity was the commanding voice of my master.

“All right, this has gone too far,” he said in a voice full of concern that he tried to conceal. “Manectric, Discharge, and don’t hold back.”

My mind instantly went back into focus, like cold water had been splashed on my face. Following the command was easier than thinking for myself and I wasn’t about to disobey anyway. Without thinking, I let loose as much pent up electricity as I could. My eyes were shut tight. I didn’t want to see what was going on. Not only were my survival instincts at their peak, but I couldn’t stand to see Pepper’s face in this condition.

After a couple seconds had passed, I stopped the electric flow. I was still being gripped by Pepper’s claw, which I now see had become sufficiently blackened by my attack. Within the next second, however, Pepper’s grip slackened and I fell to the floor with a sizable thud. I scrambled to my feet and ran a short distance, then turned around to see the extent of the damage.

Nearly Pepper’s entire body had turned black. The crimson red of his shell couldn’t be seen any more. His eyelids were thrust open in an eternal scream. His limbs were all in the same position as they were when the electricity touched his body. He was stiff, unmoving. It took a few agonizing seconds before Pepper’s body started to lean to the side and finally fall to the floor with a hollow clatter. Everyone looked on with awe, and within a few moments, the crowd burst into cheer. Ignoring the crowd, I walked back to my master and lay down at his feet. He stroked my fur gently, shook the sparks off his hand, and walked up to Briney.

My master stuck out his hand to his adversary. They shook hands. “You know how I am, Briney,” he said. “Won’t lose a battle if I don’t have to.”

“Always the same with you, Walt,” responded Briney with a toothy grin. He looked back at his fried Pokémon and made a pained expression. “I reckon Pepper’s been frazzled. He’ll be better with some food in ‘im, though. He’s a tough little critter, he is.”

“Allow me,” said my master. He walked up to the bar and slapped a few notes on the counter. “Go ahead and get him healed up. I have an order to pick up anyway.”

“You’re a real friend, Walt,” declared Briney as he ordered a copious amount of fish to feed Pepper.

~~~

My master and Briney chatted away at the bar as my master attempted to fit about a thousand dried biscuits into a small bag. Meanwhile, I sat at a booth with Pepper (nobody who had seen that battle would have a problem with letting the Pokémon take the seats that were intended for humans) with a wet washcloth in my mouth, cleaning the black soot off his carapace. Pepper filled his belly with breaded fish and sighed contentedly.

“Jeez, that shock hurt like Hell,” commented Pepper between bites. “But I’m a tough one. Not down for the count yet.”

I chuckled at Pepper’s fighting spirit. “You’re gonna get yourself killed if you think like that,” I advised. “Don’t overdo it. Even you need to take a rest sometimes.”

“Me? Naw,” he replied succinctly, earning another laugh from me.

I continued my washing in silence. Pepper looked pensive. Finally, he spoke up again. “So, you’re goin’ out with your master on a journey...” He put emphasis on the word “journey”.

“That’s right.”

He looked into my eyes. “You think you’re ready for it, boy? The dangers of being out in the wild are nothin’ like the dangers in this here tavern.”

I didn’t chuckle this time. Pepper always acted like a fatherly figure to me. He was the one who taught me how to fight, so I guess he felt like I was his son, or at least his apprentice. Even when we weren’t sparring, we always had a good laugh together. But my immaturity contrasted with all his worldly experience, so I always felt subordinate to him.

“Yeah, I think I’m ready,” I said. “You’ve taught me a lot about fighting. And I have my master to guide me.”

Pepper sighed deeply, and this time it wasn’t with content. “Walt...” he began slowly, “...is a great trainer, to be sure. He’s got the smarts of a mathematician and the quick wit of Shakespeare.” Pepper shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “But he makes... calculating decisions. I’ve seen it when you battle. He gives you great commands and he almost always comes out on top. But that’s just his problem: his tactics are designed to win battles. Did you see when he told you to attack me again with the same tactics, after he saw what I did to you?” I shivered slightly at the memory. “Of course his plan worked. But I don’t think he’s taking your safety into careful consideration.”

We sat in silence once more. Pepper got himself into a more comfortable sitting position. “Just something to think about. You might not want to trust that man with your life. Think for yourself a bit.”

I was appalled that Pepper would say something like that about my master. I didn’t outwardly show it, but I resented those words. I would gladly trust my master with my life. I trusted him to the end of the world. I never even entertained the thought that Pepper’s words could have some value... and yet, it lingered in the back of my mind.

I shoved the thought aside and finished with my polishing. “There! Good as new,” I exclaimed, admiring my work on Pepper’s shell. “Why, I could almost see myself in it if you weren’t covered in scratches.”

“Those are there to remind me of all my victories!” he chuckled. He raised his eyes a bit and looked across the room. “I think your master’s about ready to go.” Indeed, my master has stood up and shook hands with Briney one more time before he started walking toward the exit. “I guess I’ll see you ‘round, Manectric. Don’t worry 'bout me, I’ll be fine. Have a good time.”

“Thanks, Pepper. I will!” I got up and leapt to the floor. When my master walked by, I followed in step with him out of the tavern.

“Don’t forget what I said!” called out Pepper one more time. I visibly flinched, but kept walking.

Missingno. Master
7th April 2012, 4:30 AM
Very good chapter. FYI, I didn't have any problems with the battle's length.

EDIT: RAAAAAAAAAAAAANK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

Knightfall
7th April 2012, 4:40 AM
New chapter? Already? I like it.

There wasn't much going on this chapter adventure wise, but the battle was well done and we get to see Walter and Manetric's battle skills.
I'm not sure about Walter getting four Master Balls, how could a regular blacksmith make something that powerful. I understand he put a lot of time and effort into them, but I don't trust him. Anyways, if they are real than Walter just got the deal of a lifetime: four Master Balls for twenty Poke Balls.

And I didn't know Mr. Briney could time travel.....or that his family names all their sons "Briney" and has lived on the same plot of land for generations.

Great chapter, can't wait until the next.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Sid87
7th April 2012, 4:49 AM
Absolutely great. I loved some of the description here.


His eyelids were thrust open in an eternal scream.

That, for instance, was the icing on the cake. Such a fantastic visual.

I only have two areas I'd adjust or note. First off, I feel like Manectric pointed out Walter's gruff, unreadable exterior about 500 times. I felt like "Okay, I get it. The guy has a poker face; tell me something else". And two, be careful of contradictions like this: You had the shopkeeper ask Walt "Back so soon?" (and Walt confirm it) just a few sentences before the shopkeeper made it sound like he hadn't seen Walt in ages (he sold the balls he was holding for him). It's minor, and hardly even worth a mention, but it kind of jarred me.

TheEliteEmpoleon
7th April 2012, 5:20 AM
It means that the regions in the pokemon world have a place on our world map. Hoenn is in the Caribbean sea.

And if you think this first chapter is good, just wait. We haven't even gotten to any of the action yet. To be completely honest, I was afraid that this chapter would be too boring and wouldn't attract any readers.

I think it is great! You're an awesome writer. Could you please put me on the PM list? Thanks

KickAsh
7th April 2012, 5:51 AM
I didn't expect to see a chapter from Manectric's perspective! I was wary at first, mostly because I liked reading as Walt so much, but I really liked it.
You're good at describing things from a Manectric's point of view--excited by new things, loves sniffing things, energetic. Since I imagine a Manectric to be very canine, his actions really clicked with me.
I didn't think the battle was too long at all, in fact I think you could even write a more for really important battles, if you wanted to.
I agree with what Sid87 said on the last page. You pointed out Walter's gruffness too much. Try to say something else about him--Manectric has a unique point of view, because he's 1) a Pokemon 2) seemingly very perceptive and 3) very familiar with Walter. You should try to have Manectric say something about Walter that no one else would notice. It would add more versatility to writing from Manectric's perspective.
This chapter also killed your momentum a bit, I think. I mean, obviously Walter can't go off on the adventure right away, and I appreciate the attention to details you have for describing his preparations (biscuits, Pokeballs). But I was really pumped for his adventure, and no my excitement isn't as strong. So, I think you should try to regain that momentum in Chapter 3. Really get the audience excited again.
I know I'm being harsh, but this was really a great chapter. What I'm saying are minor things. I like your writing a lot. Keep up the good work.

cooloolcool
7th April 2012, 7:14 AM
Very detailed. I like it. Good job. Can't wait for those Regis. 1 for each specialty pokeball!

ThisIsPatrick
7th April 2012, 9:54 AM
Wonderful fic, add me to the pm list please :D

Gelatino95
7th April 2012, 1:35 PM
Very good chapter. FYI, I didn't have any problems with the battle's length.

EDIT: RAAAAAAAAAAAAANK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

Thanks and congrats on the rank up. Looks very nice.


I'm not sure about Walter getting four Master Balls, how could a regular blacksmith make something that powerful. I understand he put a lot of time and effort into them, but I don't trust him. Anyways, if they are real than Walter just got the deal of a lifetime: four Master Balls for twenty Poke Balls.

As long as you know how to make a Master Ball, I imagine the process wouldn't be that difficult to duplicate. Like he said, he stayed up countless nights perfecting his design. But between you and me, I wouldn't trust him too much either.


And I didn't know Mr. Briney could time travel.....or that his family names all their sons "Briney" and has lived on the same plot of land for generations.

That's completely possible. I just included him in the story for my writing purposes; it's not meant to parallel the games. Any inconsistencies with the games or the anime are likely intentional.


Great chapter, can't wait until the next.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Yay


I only have two areas I'd adjust or note. First off, I feel like Manectric pointed out Walter's gruff, unreadable exterior about 500 times. I felt like "Okay, I get it. The guy has a poker face; tell me something else". And two, be careful of contradictions like this: You had the shopkeeper ask Walt "Back so soon?" (and Walt confirm it) just a few sentences before the shopkeeper made it sound like he hadn't seen Walt in ages (he sold the balls he was holding for him). It's minor, and hardly even worth a mention, but it kind of jarred me.

Both of those are duly noted. I suppose you could say that the shopkeeper was being sarcastic, but that would just be a terrible excuse for my mistake. In my defense, that was just a transcription error. My draft had something different happen but I changed it when I typed it up.


I think it is great! You're an awesome writer. Could you please put me on the PM list? Thanks

Added and thanks


I didn't expect to see a chapter from Manectric's perspective! I was wary at first, mostly because I liked reading as Walt so much, but I really liked it.

Oh, didn't I tell you? This story is written from the perspective of different main characters. Each chapter switches off to somebody else.


You're good at describing things from a Manectric's point of view--excited by new things, loves sniffing things, energetic. Since I imagine a Manectric to be very canine, his actions really clicked with me.

I've never really had a dog of my own, so I'm glad I nailed that description pretty well.


I didn't think the battle was too long at all, in fact I think you could even write a more for really important battles, if you wanted to.

Duly noted


I agree with what Sid87 said on the last page. You pointed out Walter's gruffness too much. Try to say something else about him--Manectric has a unique point of view, because he's 1) a Pokemon 2) seemingly very perceptive and 3) very familiar with Walter. You should try to have Manectric say something about Walter that no one else would notice. It would add more versatility to writing from Manectric's perspective.

I'll remember that for when I'm revising


This chapter also killed your momentum a bit, I think. I mean, obviously Walter can't go off on the adventure right away, and I appreciate the attention to details you have for describing his preparations (biscuits, Pokeballs). But I was really pumped for his adventure, and no my excitement isn't as strong. So, I think you should try to regain that momentum in Chapter 3. Really get the audience excited again.

The journey starts in the next chapter, so cool your jets. Also there will be a bit of suspense.


I know I'm being harsh, but this was really a great chapter. What I'm saying are minor things. I like your writing a lot. Keep up the good work.

Please, don't worry about being harsh. I need your criticisms. As I said in the OP, this is a work in progress and I regularly go back to revise my chapters. So of course, I need to know what to improve on, and who better to tell me than the people who enjoy the story in the first place?


Very detailed. I like it. Good job. Can't wait for those Regis. 1 for each specialty pokeball!

That was just a bit of foreshadowing on my part


Wonderful fic, add me to the pm list please :D

Added and thanks

I haven't started on the next chapter yet but I know what's going to happen, so it shouldn't take too long to make.

EDIT: I went back and did some of the edits. You can go back and read the chapters if you want, but you won't necessarily miss anything if you don't.

Nightfall_
7th April 2012, 3:50 PM
This is fantastic, Pm List Please. Any let me tell you, that's the first time I ever said "fantastic" on a fic.

Kutie Pie
7th April 2012, 7:41 PM
A chapter through a Pokémon perspective? I thought this was an autobiography of Walter's... or something... hmm... oh well, doesn't matter. The chapter was well-written and captured the humans without fail anyway. I especially liked the little detail of the shopkeeper sneering at Walt. Something tells me that though he's well-known there, no one likes him. Wonder why...

The fight was very entertaining. I can't exactly say what you should avoid or ease up on, since it was so good (and I've never considered myself an expert at fight sequences), so I'm useless otherwise in that department. The relationship between Manectric and Pepper was great, and I wish we would see more of Pepper, he's pretty interesting (and his dialect helps). Also, nice connection with Briney there.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm imagining Walter like Drake minus the Dragon Pokémon. You didn't exactly put him in great description, though we're getting more and more detail of him as time goes on. The mustache was what tipped me off more than him being a merchant and having this love for the sea. So yeah XD.

Overall, it's a nice chapter to get us used to the characters before the big journey. It's gonna be smooth sailing from here on out--perhaps. See what I did there?

Gelatino95
7th April 2012, 10:31 PM
This is fantastic, Pm List Please. Any let me tell you, that's the first time I ever said "fantastic" on a fic.

Glad to know that I'm deserving of such praise. Added.


A chapter through a Pokémon perspective? I thought this was an autobiography of Walter's... or something... hmm... oh well, doesn't matter. The chapter was well-written and captured the humans without fail anyway. I especially liked the little detail of the shopkeeper sneering at Walt. Something tells me that though he's well-known there, no one likes him. Wonder why...

Yeah, the perspective switches around a lot.


The fight was very entertaining. I can't exactly say what you should avoid or ease up on, since it was so good (and I've never considered myself an expert at fight sequences), so I'm useless otherwise in that department. The relationship between Manectric and Pepper was great, and I wish we would see more of Pepper, he's pretty interesting (and his dialect helps). Also, nice connection with Briney there.

Unfortunately Pepper isn't going to be seen a lot more, but the name will likely come up later during Manectric's internal dialogue.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm imagining Walter like Drake minus the Dragon Pokémon. You didn't exactly put him in great description, though we're getting more and more detail of him as time goes on. The mustache was what tipped me off more than him being a merchant and having this love for the sea. So yeah XD.

Well that's to be expected, seeing as Drake is my idol. But yeah, when I see the sprite for Drake and the third gen Gentleman sprite, they both seem to give off an aloof, experienced vibe. That's just me though. The mustache certainly helps.


Overall, it's a nice chapter to get us used to the characters before the big journey. It's gonna be smooth sailing from here on out--perhaps. See what I did there?

Oh yes, I see what you did there

Chapter update: I've got a good part of it written down. I have to type it up later, so there's a chance I'll have it up today. If not today, probably tomorrow.

Rayofquazar
8th April 2012, 2:17 AM
Congratulations for your new fic gelo... it's really intresting and entertaining. Chapter 2 was very new to me as it was the first time I read something from a pokemon's perspective. Keep up the good work and I'll check regularly on tne new chapters. I'm defenitely intrigued by the change of perspective that you talked about but I'm afraid that the plot will get lost by the many characters telling the story. But if you succeed at doing this it will be so epic. Good luck and I'm surely reading some more!!

Gelatino95
8th April 2012, 5:11 AM
Congratulations for your new fic gelo... it's really intresting and entertaining. Chapter 2 was very new to me as it was the first time I read something from a pokemon's perspective. Keep up the good work and I'll check regularly on tne new chapters. I'm defenitely intrigued by the change of perspective that you talked about but I'm afraid that the plot will get lost by the many characters telling the story. But if you succeed at doing this it will be so epic. Good luck and I'm surely reading some more!!

I'll make sure to keep the plot as cohesive as possible.

And here's the next chapter.

Chapter III: Manectric

Today was even more exciting than yesterday, if you could believe it. Today was finally the day that I would go on an adventure with my master! I’ve been on long journeys before, so I knew all the hardships involved, but there was something romantically alluring about an uncharted island... Normally I wasn’t one to be concerned with this sort of superficial thing, but the very notion of being the first intelligent life to tread upon this soil was enough to excite me.

I wasn’t the sort of Pokémon to lose sleep over this. I slept peacefully, dreams of adventure dancing through my head the whole night. I awoke upon feeling the dawn’s first beam of sunlight on my face. I started the day by scrambling to my feet and leaping up to my master’s bed. Though he acted irritable, I could tell that he liked being woken up this way every morning. I was perceptive like that.

My master started his day by getting dressed and cooking some oatmeal for himself. I hadn’t eaten yet, so he shared some with me. Some people wondered if it was entirely healthy for dogs to eat that stuff, but I didn’t have a problem with it. I licked my bowl clean. Without wasting any time, we were both out the door promptly after breakfast.

It was still early in the morning, but the streets of Lilycove were already bustling. Women stalked the markets, doing their shopping for the day; children chased each other down the street, sometimes stopping to pet me until I gave them a good shock, chuckling to myself as they screamed in surprise; sailors lumbered through, some of them accompanying workers carrying heavy crates. By this time I noticed we had made our way down to the docks. The masts of various ships of all sizes bobbed in the water and swayed in the breeze like a great forest of towering trees.

Oddly enough, we continued walking down the docks but didn’t catch a boat. We were going to an island, so I had previously assumed we would go by boat. Evidently, my master had other plans. I wasn’t about to doubt him; my master was a clever man and seemed to always have some trick up his sleeve.

We continued until we passed the harbor completely and walked up a grassy hill, the same promenade where my master spoke with the odd Spaniard a few days prior. The sunrise over the ocean from this high point was very similar in appearance to the sunset we witnessed here before, but it had a different feeling associated with it. Perhaps it had the nature of something coming rather than something leaving, which would actually be ironic considering the circumstances.

At the top of the promenade was a human with a Pokémon. The human was clearly a female of the species—her flowing, jet-black hair and curved figure were enough to indicate this. On top of that, however, she was a very young human. She couldn’t have been more than sixteen years old. She was dressed in a sort of outfit which I couldn’t recognize: long, tight pants, a vest with a long-sleeve shirt underneath, and most notably, goggles around her neck. She tended to her Pokémon, a massive bird of prey with multi-colored plumage, which, if standing up straight, would easily exceed her in height.

She turned around upon hearing us approach and smiled warmly—the kind of smile which indicated not that she was extraordinarily social, but more of a reserved smile that showed that she was shy but polite. (I noticed at this point that the feelings of certain people were easier to read than others—especially easier than my master.)

“Mister Edington?” she asked quietly.

“That is me.” I could see my master carefully scrutinizing this girl from behind his steely gaze, in the same way that I try to interpret people. “Where do you come from?”

The girl hesitated. Evidently, she wasn’t expecting such a question to be thrust upon her so soon. In that case, she had plenty to learn about my master. “Well... uh... I’ve lived in Hoenn my whole life, but my parents came from Korea, I think...”

“You think?” said my master. He had likely asked the initial question when he noticed that she was foreign. Her narrow eyes indicated that she was Asian (but with no discernible foreign accent), and my master wanted to know exactly what sort of Asian she was. My master didn’t like to lack knowledge, even if it was circumstantial. If some question was bothering him he would always seek to have it answered. In contrast, I wasn’t so keen at distinguishing the race of humans. Behavioral traits were of greater interest for me. My master continued, “Are you saying that you don’t know which country your parents came from?”

“Well...” My master’s questions made her uncomfortable. “No... well, yes... you see, I didn’t know my parents very well. They sent me here to Hoenn to go to school when I was very young, so this is the only life I know.” Rather than acting forlorn about such a tragic life story that would bring many to tears, the girl relayed her story almost mechanically, as if she didn’t really care. That only made sense, though. Her past had no immediate influence on her life in the present, so why should she concern herself with it? I was beginning to sympathize with her.

“Hm.” My master took in the story with a look of disinterest, though I knew he felt sorry for the girl too. “What is your name, girl?”

“Melody, sir,” she replied. Names didn’t mean much to me, but I could almost feel the musical quality of her voice when she said it.

“Melody,” parroted my master. I assume he tired of small talk by now, as he got straight to business. “You’re the one whom Gonzalo sent to transport me to the island, correct?”

Melody perked up. “That’s right,” she started. “Gonzalo paid me handsomely for my services, but I’m always happy to help anyway. We’ll be riding on Sky to get there.” Melody smiled and started stroking her bird’s plumage. The bird let out a shrill cry in response.

“A Braviary!” commented my master with some surprise and pleasure. “That’s a rare sight here in Hoenn, and an impressive one at that.” Sky beamed in response to my master’s praise. I could tell already that he was very vain; he cleaned his bright feathers during most of the conversation.

“I got him from a breeder as a little Rufflet,” explained Melody. “He’s been my loyal friend for quite a while.”

A brief silence ensued, as nobody had anything left to say. Most people at this point in the conversation would talk about their own experiences with their Pokémon, but my master evidently didn't want to discuss that right now. My master broke the silence.

“Well,” he began, “it’s been a pleasure to meet you, Melody. I must now return to my house to pick up my suitcase, and then we can leave immediately. Make sure Sky is ready for flight, and I’ll see you soon.” My master walked briskly in the opposite direction. I pondered the notion that my master could have brought his things with him and left on the journey right now, but I didn’t dare question his methods. He knew what he was doing, I was sure of it. Melody gave no vocal farewell, but waved slightly and continued looking after Sky. I followed after my master.

~~~

It was finally time. My master held his suitcase in one hand and had a pack slung over his back filled to the brim with rations. I was about ready to jump out of my skin with anticipation. Before I went completely mad, the two of us set off on the town to meet Melody and fly out into the great unknown.

As we unceremoniously ambled down the street with adventure on our minds, neither of us expected a young boy to come running up to us and jump on my master’s chest, wrapping his hands around him.

“Hi grandpa!” he squealed.

My master had the wind knocked out of him from the unexpected assault. “Damon!” he said cheerily but with a hint of scorn in his voice. “Why aren’t you with your mother?”

“She said I could say goodbye to you.”

Damon was my master’s grandson, so since he had approval from my master, I let him stroke my fur unlike the other children. He was the son of my master’s only daughter, Emily Elliot (Emily Edington before she was married). Emily still lived in Lilycove, so she often visited my master with Damon. Since my master never had a son, he treated Damon like a son when they were together. Needless to say, they were very close.

“Well, Damon, thank you for coming,” replied my master cheerfully. He rarely employed this amicable tone, but always used it when speaking with Damon unless he was being castigated. “This may be the last time I see you for a while. I’m sure your mother already told you that I’m going on a trip out to sea.”

“Yeah! Yeah!” shouted Damon excitedly. I chuckled on the inside, seeing how this boy’s enthusiasm mirrored my own, though more vocally. Damon didn’t wait any longer to put forth the question: “Can I come with you? Please? Please?”

“Heavens, no!” exclaimed my master, his amicable tone lost. “Your mother would never allow that.”

“Grandpa!” whined Damon. He began to pout. “My mom said I could come. Honest!”

“Damon!” spat my master. He struck Damon with a stern gaze. Damon wasn’t intimidated by this, merely irritated. He was used to his grandpa’s verbal punishments by now. “Lying is completely inexcusable! You should know that by now.”

“I’m not lying!” Damon flailed his arms in the air with fury. It was amusing to watch his immaturity at work. “My mom really said so! She said something about not getting the same opportunity to see you as a child.”

My master hesitated. One of Emily’s misgivings was that my master frequently left the house to go on journeys and she didn’t get to see him as much as she should have. “As much as I hate to admit it, that does sound like something she would say.”

My master wrapped his beefy, wrinkled arms around Damon’s body and lifted him off the ground. Rather than laughing with amusement as he usually did, Damon stared straight into my master’s eyes. He tried to communicate as best he could that he was telling the truth. I could tell that he was, of course. I’ve seen him lie before and there were obvious signs that showed it. The irregular hesitations in his speech, the timbre of his voice, the careful eyes darting about... even the minute pupil dilations. This time, he wasn’t lying. I couldn’t communicate his message very well, though. I instead looked at this scene with amusement. The hulking old man was so incongruous with the innocent eight-year-old he held.

My master pushed his grandson’s bright blond hair out of his enraged face before speaking. “Even if I wanted to take you and even if your mother wanted you to,” my master began in a quiet voice, “a trip out to sea is far too dangerous for a boy like you. Where I’m going, there could be countless dangers: starvation, thirst, fatigue, and especially wild Pokémon that eat creatures your size for breakfast.”

My master put down Damon, who glared back at him with a menacing, piercing stare that could strike fear into the heart of even the toughest, meanest man alive (or, at least, that’s what Damon thought. To everyone else in the world, his death stare was rather cute). Without saying another word, Damon fled the scene, sprinting away into an alleyway which presumably lead to his house.

“Well,” said my master, clearing his throat and adjusting his necktie. “On to business.” The two of us set off on the streets of Lilycove.

My master didn’t notice, however, that Damon watched us recede into the distance from behind the corner of a building. I looked back and met his determined gaze, but decided not to do anything about it. Events would take their course. Meanwhile, Damon darted down the street, following us all the way through town.

~~~

At long last, the two of us reached the promenade. Melody and Sky were still waiting for us. Melody was feeding Sky some raw Magikarp when we arrived; Sky caught the fish with his beak as they were tossed in the air and gulped them down in a single bite each.

“Ready to go?” asked Melody, not looking away from her Pokémon.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” assured my master.

“Have you got some extra food?”

“You bet I do.” My master set down his briefcase and pulled off the bag hanging from his back. He opened it up, revealing the ridiculous quantity of dried biscuits inside. Melody peered inside. “If my calculations are correct, these should be able to feed me for months.” He looked pensive for a moment. “I suppose I’m going to have to feed you as well. Well, I guess we’ll both just go anemic if worst comes to worst.”

To everyone’s surprise, Melody began laughing uproariously at my master’s comment. He raised an incredulous eyebrow and looked directly at me, as if asking, “What did I say?” Melody's narrow eyes became even narrower as her whole face contorted into a mirthful expression, her laughs echoing through the dense air. Finally, after winding down a bit, she stopped.

“Sorry, about that,” she said, blushing. “I have this really weird sense of humor and I’m really bad at containing my laughter. Whenever I hear a joke like that, I can’t help laughing.” She let out another unintentional giggle.

My master put on his best poker face. “I wasn’t joking.”

The scene became even more tense, if you could believe it. Melody looked nervously at my master’s stolid face. Sky broke the awkward silence with a loud screech. “Oh! Looks like Sky is ready to go.” Melody patted her hands on Sky’s thighs, causing the bird to bend down far enough for his rider to climb on. Melody’s legs went up one after the other, and soon enough the bottom half of her body was engulfed in dense plumage. She scooted up a little, leaving some space for my master to sit behind her.

“Come on, Walter!” she said with a smile. “Sky is a strong bird. He can carry you!”

My master sighed contentedly. “Well, I guess this is where our journey starts.” He picked up his briefcase. He then looked down at it quizzically and moved it up and down in his hand, as if something were wrong. He quickly dismissed the idea and turned to me. “Manectric, boy, I’m afraid we can’t have you riding with us.” If I had any ears, I would have lowered them. “You’re going to have to stay inside your ball.” My master brought out a plain red Poké ball from his coat pocket, one that was rarely used. “Here we go.”

He pressed the button on the front. Suddenly, a bright white light erupted all over. I had rarely been recalled to my ball, so the experience was somewhat exhilarating for me. The white light faded and was replaced by a red one. All of a sudden, some unseen force gripped my body. It pulled me in, forcing me forward from every point on my body at once. It vaguely felt like my body was being pulled apart at the molecular level.

And then, darkness. I was inside my ball. My body had been converted to some sort of stable energy, so I couldn’t take in any sensory details. Just darkness. I couldn’t feel anything, see anything, hear anything. Yet I knew that somewhere out there, my master and Melody were zooming across the ocean to some unseen destination. When I came out of my ball, I would be in a brand new place, on brand new soil that my feet have never touched. I could hardly wait.

~~~

Author’s note: The following dialogue is translated from Spanish, which the members of Gonzalo’s crew use to speak to each other. Some pieces of the conversations may be left in Spanish just for emphasis.

Gonzalo worked by the light of a flickering oil lamp. His normally flawless features were now ruined by his pained expression as he meticulously drew his fountain pen across the surface of an old map, wary of the current weather conditions and wind direction. A dotted line was plotted off the intricate coast of Hoenn. He glanced over to look at a smaller map depicting a single small island, and then tapped his pen on a blank spot on the larger map where the dotted line led to.

A knock came on the door, interrupting his work. His expression suddenly disappeared with no further prompt and his flawless features returned once more. A modestly-dressed man slowly opened the door to Gonzalo’s cabin.

“Sir?” came the meek voice. “I just wanted to notify you that we’re going to depart from Lilycove harbor any minute now.”

Gonzalo suddenly brightened up for no apparent reason. “Come in, Miguel, no need to be shy.” The man opened the door further and took some hesitant steps inside the cabin. He was met by Gonzalo's toothy grin. “My loyal navigator is always welcome here.”

“Of course, sir,” Miguel said with a forced smile.

“As a matter of fact,” continued Gonzalo, “I was just about to call you in here.”

“Oh?”

Gonzalo motioned for him to come over. Miguel walked up to the desk and observed the maps sprawled out across it. Gonzalo raised a finger and pointed straight down, indicating the dotted line that he had drawn. “I’ve plotted a new course for us to follow,” he explained. “We shall set off for this location as soon as we push off.”

The navigator suddenly took on a grave expression as if he had just witnessed a litter of kittens engulfed by a fire. “What are you saying, sir?” His voice quavered as he spoke. “You said we were returning home to Spain after this last stop.”

“Change of plans.” Gonzalo leaned back in his seat. “You may go inform the crew now.”

“But...” started Miguel, but his mouth was snapped shut when he met the piercing gaze of his captain.

“Is there a problem?”

Miguel, hesitant to continue, gulped down his fears and spoke out. “Even if we wanted to travel to this location, sir... there’s nothing here!” The navigator pointed to the blank space on the map with great fervor. “We’d only be wasting our time! And on top of that... the crew has been terribly homesick, sir! The only thing that keeps them going is the thought of returning home to Spain! Many of them deeply miss their families...”

Miguel trailed off. Gonzalo continued to stare at him with his malicious gaze. Finally, after a great length of agonizing staring, Gonzalo got out of his chair and stood up, which allowed him to tower over Miguel. To intimidate him further, Gonzalo drew the sword from underneath his jacket and held it out towards the insolent ship hand. Miguel finally broke out in a cold sweat. His eyes widened upon feeling the icy-cold touch of the blade on his neck.

Gonzalo spoke up softly but venomously. “Then tell the crew that we shall return to Spain after this next stop. Like I said, change of plans. You’re not going to disobey, are you?” As he hissed the last two words, he pressed the blade harder on Miguel’s exposed neck.

“No! No! Oh, dios mío, no...” Miguel was sobbing over his pleas for mercy.

At long last, Gonzalo sheathed his sword and allowed Miguel to leave. “Run along, mister navigator!” he shouted in a mocking tone. “Tell the entire crew!” The cabin was now deserted.

Missingno. Master
8th April 2012, 2:56 PM
Good chapter. I think I've spotted a mistake, though: Sky shouldn't be female, as Braviary are a male-only species.

Knightfall
8th April 2012, 3:37 PM
Here we are again, already on the third chapter.

Good chapter overall, Menetric's viewpoint is entertaining to say the least.

The adventure finally begins, the scene with Damon was heartwarming. Nothing like a little kid begging to go on a trip to make you say "awwww".

Anyways, we see another side to Gonzalo. Something tells me that he's not going to be a protaganist in the future. I feel bad for his crew, poor Miguel.

Aside from the mistake pointed out by MissingNo Master, I didn't find anything else wrong.

As always, can't wait until the next chapter.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Gelatino95
8th April 2012, 4:02 PM
Good chapter. I think I've spotted a mistake, though: Sky shouldn't be female, as Braviary are a male-only species.

What?

*looks it up*

...Well I'll be darned. That makes no sense at all. I don't see why there shouldn't be any female Braviary... oh well, I'll fix it.

EDIT: Fixed all the pronouns.


Here we are again, already on the third chapter.

I tend to get in a writing frenzy whenever I start a new fic. I think the first ten or so chapters of Supernova were written within a week.


Good chapter overall, Menetric's viewpoint is entertaining to say the least.

Glad you think so.


The adventure finally begins, the scene with Damon was heartwarming. Nothing like a little kid begging to go on a trip to make you say "awwww".

That was the intended effect


Anyways, we see another side to Gonzalo. Something tells me that he's not going to be a protaganist in the future. I feel bad for his crew, poor Miguel.

You ain't seen nothin' yet

Chapter update: I think I'll take a break for a bit so I can work on other stuff, like the new contest. I'm still planning what will happen in the next chapter.

Sidewinder
9th April 2012, 5:09 PM
Well,

I see you got the last two chapters up pretty fast. Usually when that happens, they tend to be of lower quality and not very well written, but that wasn't the case here, so nicely done. They gripped me, and I stayed involved the whole way through. Which can be hard sometimes when you're presenting such an original idea. The Manectric perspective was a nice change of pace. The view from Pokemon are always really nice to explore. There's one fic on the forum called 'Survival Project', where the narration is from the Pokemon's point of view as well, and I feel like it works here as well. I would say that you should keep that up in the course of your writing of this fic. It adds a little fun and keeps me on my toes as I'm reading.

One thing that did bother me, and I'm sure you're sick of hearing it at this point, is the shop keeper's casual handing over of the four master balls. Just didn't really make sense to me. If he spent that much time perfecting his design, and it's a Pokeball that will catch any Pokemon without fail, it just seems too easy that he would hand them over to Walter. The shop keeper mentioned that Walter kept him waiting, and that he didn't want to lose money by not serving other paying customers, but it seems like he lost a huge amount by not even charging for the four master balls, especially when he spent o much time on them. Granted, Walter did pay him something for them, but it just seemed too easy. The fact that the guy shoved Manectric and yelled at him and Walter and Manectric both did nothing about it also struck me as somewhat strange.

Another part that struck me as odd was the battle between Pepper and Manectric. First off, it was of appropriate length, and very well written. I can honestly say I enjoyed it, and could picture it quite clealy in my mind. And my problem was not really with the battle itself, rather the location that it took place in. You said several times that Pokemon Battles went on at the tavern all the time, that people even ate food and watched as these powerful creatures sparred. My problem though, is the fact that it is inside. Electricity, Fire, Water, etc attacks damage the enviroment they are released in. What is in that tavern to stop a stray lightning bolt from Manectric from veering off course and starting fire to the curtains? Or if Pepper threw him at the bar, how do we know the throw wasn't powerful enough to send him crashing through it? Or water attacks that could hit bystanders and further damage the tavern itself. I mean, obviously the attacks keep going even after they miss, so it didn't make sense to me that the owners of this establishment allow something like this to go on, when the bussiness could be destroyed quite easily. And I know that the contest between Manectric and Pepper was mostly physical, but you can see what I'm getting at, right?

Two others have said this already, but one other problem I had was Walter's personality. It feels like you went out of your way to explain several times how cool, calm, gruff, and collected he was. So many times in fact, that it was almost like you were trying to convince yourself of the point you were trying to get across. I mean, obviously characters should be unique, and I like that brooding, mysterious, sophisticated vibe I get from Walter most of the time, but when he is so calm all the time, even when major things like the shop keeper shoving Manectric, the Pokemon battle, etc, are happening, it almost makes him unrelateable. I still like him, and I enjoy reading about him, but Manectric's view of him kind of irked me. In the first chapter, when it was from Walter's POV, is when I started liking him, because I could relate to who he was and his reasons for doing what he was doing.

Gonzalo is by far my favorite so far, so I hope we see more of him.

Other than the points I meantioned, I'm still really liking the story. Obviously an original concept, and a well written one at that. I'm excited to see where you take this, because you really can do anything you want with the foundation that you've laid so far. I can't figure out what genre this is yet, although I have a few theories. You've captured me though, and I can't wait to get to the island. Good job!

Sid87
9th April 2012, 7:33 PM
For some reason I found it odd that Manectric referred to himself as "a dog", but that might just be me. I always imagined Pokemon would be an entirely separate class of animal from mammals, fish, birds, etc. So while Manectric is dog-like, it would be no more accurate to call it a dog than it is to call a dolphin a fish. But again, that's just my interpretation. :)

Nice to see that we have a villain. And the section was once more very enjoyable!

Gelatino95
9th April 2012, 8:48 PM
Well,

I see you got the last two chapters up pretty fast. Usually when that happens, they tend to be of lower quality and not very well written, but that wasn't the case here, so nicely done. They gripped me, and I stayed involved the whole way through. Which can be hard sometimes when you're presenting such an original idea. The Manectric perspective was a nice change of pace. The view from Pokemon are always really nice to explore. There's one fic on the forum called 'Survival Project', where the narration is from the Pokemon's point of view as well, and I feel like it works here as well. I would say that you should keep that up in the course of your writing of this fic. It adds a little fun and keeps me on my toes as I'm reading.

My main purpose in changing viewpoints around was that I dislike how in some novels, especially those told in first person, it's sometimes hard to tell what others think of the main character. I wanted to be able to tell what people think about each other and how certain characters react in certain situations. I know I could manipulate words in order to do this from a first person perspective, but I like the idea of telling the story from different immersive viewpoints like this.


One thing that did bother me, and I'm sure you're sick of hearing it at this point, is the shop keeper's casual handing over of the four master balls. Just didn't really make sense to me. If he spent that much time perfecting his design, and it's a Pokeball that will catch any Pokemon without fail, it just seems too easy that he would hand them over to Walter. The shop keeper mentioned that Walter kept him waiting, and that he didn't want to lose money by not serving other paying customers, but it seems like he lost a huge amount by not even charging for the four master balls, especially when he spent o much time on them. Granted, Walter did pay him something for them, but it just seemed too easy. The fact that the guy shoved Manectric and yelled at him and Walter and Manectric both did nothing about it also struck me as somewhat strange.

I do understand that the part with the master balls was a bit out of character for the unfriendly shopkeeper. It's always possible that the shopkeeper did this so that Walter wouldn't complain and drive away business, but in order to maintain verisimilitude, I may go back and change that part.

As for the part where Walter did nothing about Manectric's maltreatment, that was intentional. It's supposed to show readers his placid nature. He knew that Manectric wasn't terribly hurt or emotionally scarred, and he didn't want to make any trouble, so he made the logical decision of doing nothing. His logical decisions often overrule his emotions. This is basically what Pepper was talking about to Manectric. It will also be touched upon later.


Another part that struck me as odd was the battle between Pepper and Manectric. First off, it was of appropriate length, and very well written. I can honestly say I enjoyed it, and could picture it quite clealy in my mind. And my problem was not really with the battle itself, rather the location that it took place in. You said several times that Pokemon Battles went on at the tavern all the time, that people even ate food and watched as these powerful creatures sparred. My problem though, is the fact that it is inside. Electricity, Fire, Water, etc attacks damage the enviroment they are released in. What is in that tavern to stop a stray lightning bolt from Manectric from veering off course and starting fire to the curtains? Or if Pepper threw him at the bar, how do we know the throw wasn't powerful enough to send him crashing through it? Or water attacks that could hit bystanders and further damage the tavern itself. I mean, obviously the attacks keep going even after they miss, so it didn't make sense to me that the owners of this establishment allow something like this to go on, when the bussiness could be destroyed quite easily. And I know that the contest between Manectric and Pepper was mostly physical, but you can see what I'm getting at, right?

Here are a couple reasons I could think of why the battles in the tavern likely aren't as much of a problem as you think:

- First of all, you have to understand that allowing battles to take place brings great revenue to the tavern. It becomes a popular hangout for sailors and such because of the battles. The amount of money they make by the increased popularity likely outweighs the cost of any repairs they have to make.

- In addition, remember that these are sailors, not real hardcore pokemon trainers. In fact, at this point in history, the pokemon league likely hasn't been invented yet, so there aren't a ton of people who dedicate themselves to training. Battling is only a pastime for the sailors, meaning their pokemon likely aren't powerful enough to cause major damages (though this does depend greatly on the situation)

- As you've seen in the second chapter, the battlers restrain themselves. Walter opts to not use any electric moves until it's absolutely necessary. This is not only due to the unfair advantage but also due to the damages it could cause to the tavern. Like I said, these guys aren't real trainers per se, so their battles aren't super-intense but rather casual in nature.

Those reasons are mostly just me covering my butt, but I don't see it as a significant enough problem to go back and change.


Two others have said this already, but one other problem I had was Walter's personality. It feels like you went out of your way to explain several times how cool, calm, gruff, and collected he was. So many times in fact, that it was almost like you were trying to convince yourself of the point you were trying to get across. I mean, obviously characters should be unique, and I like that brooding, mysterious, sophisticated vibe I get from Walter most of the time, but when he is so calm all the time, even when major things like the shop keeper shoving Manectric, the Pokemon battle, etc, are happening, it almost makes him unrelateable. I still like him, and I enjoy reading about him, but Manectric's view of him kind of irked me. In the first chapter, when it was from Walter's POV, is when I started liking him, because I could relate to who he was and his reasons for doing what he was doing.

That was a problem that I went back and edited a little, but I can definitely see how it's a problem. I'll be wary of that in the future.


Gonzalo is by far my favorite so far, so I hope we see more of him.

Oh, don't worry. The villain always gets plenty of appearances.


Other than the points I meantioned, I'm still really liking the story. Obviously an original concept, and a well written one at that. I'm excited to see where you take this, because you really can do anything you want with the foundation that you've laid so far. I can't figure out what genre this is yet, although I have a few theories. You've captured me though, and I can't wait to get to the island. Good job!

Thanks muchly


For some reason I found it odd that Manectric referred to himself as "a dog", but that might just be me. I always imagined Pokemon would be an entirely separate class of animal from mammals, fish, birds, etc. So while Manectric is dog-like, it would be no more accurate to call it a dog than it is to call a dolphin a fish. But again, that's just my interpretation. :)

I wouldn't exactly call pokemon completely separate from animals. It's too much of a coincidence that they wouldn't be related by ancestry at all; Manectric, for example, has lots of canine characteristics. Even though evolution (not pokemon evolution, real evolution) might cause organisms to develop the same adaptations for the same situations in nature, it's a process that is random at its most fundamental level. Like I said, it would be too much of a coincidence. For the purposes of the story, there will be no real-life animals present, but pokemon may be described using characteristics of animals.


Nice to see that we have a villain. And the section was once more very enjoyable!

Thanks muchly

Sid87
9th April 2012, 8:59 PM
I misspoke...I didn't mean that Pokemon would be separate from all animals, but that they would be as separate from mammals as mammals are from fish or birds are from reptiles. They'd be an entirely separate branch in the animal kingdom (but still a part of it).

But I see what you are saying, and in a world without actual animals, that kind of makes sense. So...carry on. :)

Sidewinder
9th April 2012, 9:00 PM
My main purpose in changing viewpoints around was that I dislike how in some novels, especially those told in first person, it's sometimes hard to tell what others think of the main character. I wanted to be able to tell what people think about each other and how certain characters react in certain situations. I know I could manipulate words in order to do this from a first person perspective, but I like the idea of telling the story from different immersive viewpoints like this.

Exactly, that's why I like it.


He knew that Manectric wasn't terribly hurt or emotionally scarred, and he didn't want to make any trouble, so he made the logical decision of doing nothing. His logical decisions often overrule his emotions.

Ah, well that makes a bit more sense I suppose


Those reasons are mostly just me covering my butt, but I don't see it as a significant enough problem to go back and change.

I don't think you should change it at all. I may not agree with it, but you did a very good job describing it. And the three reasons you put up do make sense. I suppose you have a point there, and especially if the people who are battling exercise restraint and caution, I'm sure it could work.

Gelatino95
9th April 2012, 10:11 PM
And who's to say that the tavern even is really good at handling battles? It could be in terrible disrepair all the time. Maybe the more tasteful crowds avoid it because of terrible maintenance. I just never delved into that part of the description because it wasn't that important.

Treecko's Awesomeness
9th April 2012, 10:33 PM
Well then, that one annoying kid who occasionaly writes and reviews things is here! The story's incredible, and I can't wait to read more. Now onto the review!

One of the things that stuck out to me as impressive was your discription. It's easy to visualize what's going on, and the language you use is great. Imagery makes a scene, and you have no lack of it here. The cloud/lampshade analogy was probably one of my favorites.

Another great aspect is your characterization. Your main character takes the best aspects of Indiana Jones, Professor Layton, and several other great characters who's names I can't be bothered to remember right now, an mixes them with an entirely new personality just as enjoyable to read about. Manectric seems to me to beabout the most awesome dog to have ever lived. Gonzalo is still a mystery, but I love what we already know about him. Ruthless, but to a believable level.

Anyway, now for the very few problems I had to seek out in order to make this review seem constructive! One of the only things I see that needs work is your use of adverbs. You use strong enough verbs and nouns to make most of them unnecisary. A rule my English teacher taught me was that you should never use an adverb that doesn't change the meaning of the scentence. "He smiled nervously" would be fine, while "He smiled joyfully" for instance, would be redundant.

Other than that, I don't really have much to add, but I'd like to be added to the PM list if possible, as I don't want to miss anything. Thanks!

-;201-t;;201-a;

Gelatino95
9th April 2012, 11:42 PM
Well then, that one annoying kid who occasionaly writes and reviews things is here! The story's incredible, and I can't wait to read more. Now onto the review!

Glad to see that you made it onto the scene


One of the things that stuck out to me as impressive was your discription. It's easy to visualize what's going on, and the language you use is great. Imagery makes a scene, and you have no lack of it here. The cloud/lampshade analogy was probably one of my favorites.

I'm glad to see that I've got my imagery mastered. Sometimes I'm at a loss for what to write in order to describe an area, but I guess I felt inspired when writing that section.


Another great aspect is your characterization. Your main character takes the best aspects of Indiana Jones, Professor Layton, and several other great characters who's names I can't be bothered to remember right now, an mixes them with an entirely new personality just as enjoyable to read about. Manectric seems to me to beabout the most awesome dog to have ever lived. Gonzalo is still a mystery, but I love what we already know about him. Ruthless, but to a believable level.

Some people told me that Walter's character was a bit unrelatable, but I hope to expand on that a little bit later. I'm glad you like Manectric and Gonzalo though (you'll notice that I used the same name in Supernova; Gonzalo is actually a fitting name in both contexts, since when I came up with their names, I looked up the meanings of certain Spanish names and looked for one with a negative connotation).


Anyway, now for the very few problems I had to seek out in order to make this review seem constructive! One of the only things I see that needs work is your use of adverbs. You use strong enough verbs and nouns to make most of them unnecisary. A rule my English teacher taught me was that you should never use an adverb that doesn't change the meaning of the scentence. "He smiled nervously" would be fine, while "He smiled joyfully" for instance, would be redundant.

I'll make sure to keep my eye out for that when I'm doing revisions


Other than that, I don't really have much to add, but I'd like to be added to the PM list if possible, as I don't want to miss anything. Thanks!

-;201-t;;201-a;

Added and thanks for reading!

irock245
10th April 2012, 12:43 AM
Ok, I came to this from your sig. I do not regret it. Now for the entire communtiy to see what I think of this fic!

*insert phrase(s) of admiration for this fic that you've probably heard 1 million times already*


Actually I have something else to add. I see you took the protagonist from a character npc you can battle right outside of lilycove. Gentleman Walter. I believe his final team consists of Manetric, Linoone, and Golduck. I don't remember for sure though.

Please add me to the PM list. You always have such good writing and posts in general.

Gelatino95
10th April 2012, 1:37 AM
Ok, I came to this from your sig. I do not regret it. Now for the entire communtiy to see what I think of this fic!

*insert phrase(s) of admiration for this fic that you've probably heard 1 million times already*

I couldn't have put it better myself.


Actually I have something else to add. I see you took the protagonist from a character npc you can battle right outside of lilycove. Gentleman Walter. I believe his final team consists of Manetric, Linoone, and Golduck. I don't remember for sure though.

I'm not going to use his final team, but Manectric just seemed like his signature pokemon to me, so I had to include it.


Please add me to the PM list. You always have such good writing and posts in general.

That's only when my posts aren't hopelessly sardonic in nature, but I suppose my posts are pretty good in general. Adding you to the list.

TheEliteEmpoleon
10th April 2012, 2:19 AM
Nice chapter! It is very descriptive, and we got to see a new side of Gonzalo the Great. I wonder how Magikarps taste... Any way, can't wait for more.

KickAsh
10th April 2012, 5:10 AM
Ooh, Gonzalo is more sinister than he first appeared! I like it.
Damon was a nice addition, it was good to see Walter showing some affection. Damon is also ripe for a spinoff fic
Melody's weird sense of humor was a good touch, made her feel VERY realistic. The way she tended to Sky helped, too. She's a good character. And it was cool to see a Braviary, because I love Braviary.

But, one criticism: I have trouble relating to Walter. His anemic comment and the awkward situation afterward really made me aware of that. Obviously, he's a gruff guy, and I love reading about the strong and silent type, but sometimes I just feel like he has no emotion. However, Manectric's excitement, enthusiasm, and perceptiveness are a really nice foil to Walter's gruff and seemingly emotionless character.
Good chapter, I'm looking forward to the reading the juicy part of the story as the adventure begins!

Rayofquazar
11th April 2012, 12:32 AM
Nice... Adventure begins and new characters!
I enjoyed this chapter too especially the part when manectric was called to it's pokeball. I was wondering what kind of life we have inside the pokeball!!! But are you sure this is true cz if I find out that you re lying I going to stop reading the story!!! ;)
Gonzalo has a red eye.... Never trusted him in the first chapter. I think he was lying the whole time. The king of spain never knew about this quest and I think that there is a hidden treasure on that island that gonzalo is using walter to get it to him surpassing the dangers surrounded by it... If the story tells about a treasure hunt, it will be so excited.

Waiting more from you!!!

KYOGRE-D
15th April 2012, 5:50 PM
Nice story! In the first chapter, teh reading of the script is Ancient Greek, right? The Basilico? That's what it transliterates as, anyway... Well, Great Story, keep up the good work! And can I be added to the PM list? Ty

TheEliteEmpoleon
27th April 2012, 3:46 AM
AAAAAHHHHH When is a new chapter coming out! Sorry if I sound rude but I honestly need to read more!

Gelatino95
17th May 2012, 11:27 PM
Sorry I haven't gotten around to this for a while, but I have other stuff to do and honestly this is boring me at the moment.


AAAAAHHHHH When is a new chapter coming out! Sorry if I sound rude but I honestly need to read more!

The next one is currently in process, but I haven't worked on it in a while. My summer break is coming soon so soon enough I'll have plenty of time on my hands, but until then, hold your horses.


Nice story! In the first chapter, teh reading of the script is Ancient Greek, right? The Basilico? That's what it transliterates as, anyway... Well, Great Story, keep up the good work! And can I be added to the PM list? Ty

I ran it through Google translate in about ten different obscure languages, so the meaning of the words has been lost. But yes, it is Greek. I'll add you to the list.

Sid87
18th May 2012, 12:08 AM
Sorry I haven't gotten around to this for a while, but I have other stuff to do and honestly this is boring me at the moment.

That's a really disheartening thing to read. You may not have meant it the way it comes across, but it really sounds like you don't care about this story. Admittedly, I've been excited about this story for two reasons: first, it's damn good, and second, it's the first story I ever started reading on here. But to hear you say something like that, it makes me think "well, if the author doesn't care about it, why should I?"

Gelatino95
18th May 2012, 1:08 AM
That's a really disheartening thing to read. You may not have meant it the way it comes across, but it really sounds like you don't care about this story. Admittedly, I've been excited about this story for two reasons: first, it's damn good, and second, it's the first story I ever started reading on here. But to hear you say something like that, it makes me think "well, if the author doesn't care about it, why should I?"

It is my right as well as yours to not be passionate about this story. If you want to stop reading then that's cool. It's not like I'm struggling to get more readers. I'm doing this for me, not for you.