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View Full Version : Sinsufficient Glory (PG-13) (Contains Audiobook)



Dilasc
16th April 2012, 2:58 AM
Enter a world anew… well, not quite anew, but far enough different from any you currently know. Behold new creatures the likes of which you haven’t yet seen. Yes, this is the story of the region of Kertonmel.

Life in this dry Mongolian region is not the easiest, though not the hardest either. Weather is dry and adventures are high. Looming in the horizon are harsh days to come… but don’t worry yourself with these trivialities. Focus not on those issues, for they do not take place at the beginning of our story…

An adventure with weird creatures is about to begin! Are you ready?
Also: Audiobook! Warning, I’m a potty mouth! You’ve been warned! F word within first few seconds.

Don’t just comment on the Audio Recording! I will loathe your face off! It's mostly an informal little extra. The writing is premium.

Chapter List

Chapter 1: Envy of Agony (Just look below)
Chapter One Audio Book (http://www.mediafire.com/?6k45o96vtnovn6b)
(Alternative Download Location) (http://www.box.com/s/68557169e475963f310e)
Chapter 2: ??? (Coming Soon)

Watchlist – Get your name upon here, you weirdo!


Empty
Empty
Empty



Replace the empties and thensome!


Revealed Pokemon names:

Corvolden
Fiyrant
Liqwierd
Revulture
Sunfernace
Flamment (Not from Kertonmel)
Crayfig (Not from Kertonmel)




Chapter 1: Envy of Agony


Chapter One Audio Book (http://www.mediafire.com/?6k45o96vtnovn6b)

The dry dirt whipped about lackadaisically, much the way the unloving and nonliving dirt was bound to do. The dust settled lightly as a young girl ran through it, her mind racing alongside her feet, as fast as any short attention spanned teenager could have gone. As the dirt gave way to roads, the girl took a pause. Her shoulder length green hair drooped forward as her head went downwards to catch her second wind.

Lucille Ragemuffin wasn’t sure why she wanted, no, why she needed to go out there into the wild unknown all by herself. As she stood up, she took one last deep breath of the air and shrugged. Her brown eyes drank in the surrounding of her Mongolian hometown.

The small suburban town of Lippi wasn’t the liveliest of places. Its populace may have been in the tens of thousands at best, yet this was an important place for anyone who wanted to make their beginnings. This was the residence of the scientific mind of Susanne Conifer, resident Pokémon expert. As Lucy’s luck would have it, her application for acquisition was finally accepted and tomorrow would be the day of the rest of her life. She would be away from home for a very long time. In the days to come, saying her body would smell unholy would be an insult to the undead themselves, and peril would be unmatched.

As far as fourteen year old girls go, Lucy wasn’t the most in shape of her ilk; a slight stomach was somewhat noticeable. She didn’t care honestly, and if she did, her form fitting blue t-shirt and shorts did little to let this insecurity bleed into the world around her. Perhaps the only thing about her she ever hated was her ridiculous last name: Ragemuffin… the mere sound of it! Ragemuffin! In Lucy’s mind this was something people with names like Dick and Gaylord would laugh at and in fact, as a slightly taller girl encroached upon her solidarity, Lucille was about to taste some mockery once again.

To Lucy, the sight of Tabitha Landon was always an omen of a bad day to come. The only dirt she could ever bring on her was that her cousin Arthur was head of some Orbital Occult or something… but that story was old hat and the supposed cultists have taken themselves a new world or something. As far as Lucy was concern, Tabitha was related to loonies in the Orbital Occult! It was the best mud she could find to sling in return.

As far as Lucy could see, Tabby, as she was nicknamed, was actually attractive if she were to give an honest opinion, but not in the over glorified sense of the term. In truth, Tabby was just… a *****… and a super *****… both at the exact same time… and she had weird blonde streaks in her blue hair. As her green t-shirt and short red skirt implied, she felt comfortable with her body and wasn’t afraid to show either fact.

“Well well! It’s muff diver!” Tabby smiled with excitement. Tabby’s left hand held a metallic sphere that she seemed to proudly wave in her enemy’s face.

Lucy knew what the red and white object was the instant she saw it, “Did your mommy buy you that Pokemon to help hide your badness?”

As her rival snorted apprehensively, she pressed a small protruding button from the middle of the ball, “why would my parents buy me this Ratatta when they’re practically everywhere?”

As her query went unanswered, a beam of red swiftly flew to the ground and took shape. The shape swiftly turned to solid matter, leaving behind a purple rat not much bigger than her shoe. The creature sniffed the air; its tiny whiskers twitched as its nose went up and down, taking in the odors of the air about it. Looking at the humans, it almost seemed confused, but with a quick wag of its curled purple tail, it seemed to react indifferently. Quickly enough, red light enveloped it and in a thin line, said red returned to the ball whence it came from.


Tabby’s next words practically shocked her enemy, “Look… I guess I just don’t have the urge to rag on you much today.” If Lucy gave a crap, she’d probably sense the escalating tension that seemed to be there before their encounter.

Lucy blinked, almost taken aback, “yea…” she trailed, “me either,” and she had to wonder why… she could assume that it had to do with a few years ago when her own mother left. It was simply her time to go, incidentally enough, Lucy almost seemed like she’d follow in her footsteps, leaving in the same manner, but she swore she would not let her younger sister ever forget who she was. With a silent yet uneasy look, she turned back to her so called rival, “which one do you want?” she asked, changing the subject.

Tabitha shrugged, getting a second wind of rivalry, knowing what she meant right away. “I like Liqwierd,” she answered, not sure why she was so honest with the green haired… the words she’d call her, she wasn’t sure all of them would be so hateful, but still, “I guess it’ll suck for you if you take a sorry *** Fiyrant. Heh… I’d rather start in Kyydonastik though if I could live there.”

Lucy raised an eyebrow, “why would you want to live there?” Lucy was just baffled by the prospect of living to the south; the prospect of being in… China!

Tabitha grinned and replied rather bluntly; “Because Flamment is ****ing awesome!” she clenched her fists passionately as she mentioned it. As the rush died down, she flicked a strand of her hair out of her face and continued, “Crayfig is okay I guess, but… uh, not sure why I even wandered in this direction to begin with, other than to remind you I that yes, am better than you… ya know, in case you forgot,” she replied, sounding less smug than usual before setting up a parting blow, “and my favorite part is when I DON’T see your face any longer.”

“Yea…” she replied, why were her cheeks reddening? “I want Corvolden by the way, if you still care.” Assuming that Tabby didn’t, she quickly dashed onwards, she had exercise to resume and one night left before her bedroom would become a foreign place.

She thought back to the last time she saw her mom. It was at around Christmas time, strange that she even remembered to come home that year at all! The adventures she spoke of and the creatures she had. Lucy was no stranger to some of her mother’s Pokemon. As far as she remembered, a creature called Sunfernace was her favorite. This creature was a charred plant, but as sluggish as it seemed to be, the raw powered it possessed carried her mother very far in the league that year. It went awry when it went up against some jerk’s Revulture. It was not surprising to see how: Sunfernace was a creature that bathed in sunlight to empower itself as a blazing sunflower but the poisonous scavenger it was up against had a backup plan: the trainer used Acid Rain to blot out the sun. While being a plant type, it wasn’t injured by the acid, it was fairly prone to the empowered poison attacks! If a foreigner were listening to the thoughts in her mind right now, they’d probably wonder what a Revulture or Sunfernace even were.

She blinked as the memory faded and gazed towards the sky. Hoping for some sort of dramatic effect, she spoke to herself, “not sure why I’m talking to myself so loudly. This would almost sound contrived, but I’ll be just like her… but I’ll NEVER forget those who love me!”

As Lucy told a personal monologue for no really apparent reason, a blonde and blue haired girl watched from a hidden vantage point. On her mind was Lucille Ragemuffin. Dear gods or makers above should they exist! This girl was… unnaturally incredible! As odd as it seemed, she was everything Tabitha wanted to be! She was smart, beautiful and was no doubt going to be an incredible Pokemon trainer.

Tabitha, when she reflected upon this, could only look upon herself with disdain. What could she do? ADMIT she was ready to worship the green haired wonder’s footprints? What would she say? What would she think? There was no time to pretend to hope it could go well. All she could do was admire from afar and hide behind a shroud of false loathing.

As she thought of Lucy again, a pained smiled churned its way onto her lips, secretly content with her fate. At least training Pokemon could be fun. ‘My favorite part is when I DON’T see your face any longer,’ her mind recalled those words as though they were strangling her spirit with envenomed barbwire. Sometimes she wished she could just stop lying! If the pain were physical, Tabitha Landon would already be dead!

Even still, both girls had something very important to realize: a legend! Their legend! It begins… Tomorrow!


Chapter End



Pokedex Corner

What is the Pokedex corner? Well, Kertonmel has 111 new species of Pokemon, and as your host, it is my job to introduce them to you. If you’re following along with the vocal recording, I’m not reading the stats to you directly.

Anyways, it’s best to start a Pokedex where a Pokedex begins: slot one. In this case, it’s the Grass starter Corvolden.

Type: Grass/Electric
Ability: Overgrow
Hidden Ability: Kin Surge (When struck by a move of its own type, takes no damage and increases damage output by 25%. If a single type, the boost will be 50% damage boost.)
Stats: 55 HP/40 ATK/53 DEF/60 SP.A/ 50 SP.D/53 SPE
Breeding Groups: Plant/Amorphous


Appearance... a brown husked ear of corn with a single eye. The stem below it is covered in a Spark Plug. But... I'll let the story itself SHOW you rather than me TELL you. Show don't tell and all that jazz!

Dilasc
17th April 2012, 4:23 PM
Seriously? I provide Serebii's first audiobook Fanfiction and nobody cares one bit?

In any case, I'm going to use this second post as sort of a mini-Pokedex. Not right now, as I'd rather not give everything away, even in spoiler tags!

Still, feedback would be nice... you wouldn't want to be a mean person now, would ya?

3D992
17th April 2012, 6:23 PM
The fanfic section has been kinda slow lately so dont expect fifty replies in one day. As for the audio book, my internet security blocks mediafire. Your story? I dont quite understand it. I see you make up fakemon... I dont like fakemon though I know if you use them right everything should work out.

I agree with everything JX Valentine said. V.V

JX Valentine
17th April 2012, 7:53 PM
Seriously? I provide Serebii's first audiobook Fanfiction and nobody cares one bit?

Actually, my own fic and the fics here (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?528542-Fan-Fiction-Audiobooks&highlight=audio) beat you to it. ;)

That being said, I'll be frank. It was difficult getting into this, in part because I felt the audiobook didn't match up with the tone of the chapter. You made the humor in the chapter blatant (especially with the warning), whereas the tone of the chapter is moderately subtler. (For that reason, I do have to admit I liked the audiobook a bit more than the actual writing. It was fun listening to the way your voice reacted to various points of the chapter.) But before I get into an overview, let me talk about specifics.

First and foremost, at times, it felt like you were going over-the-top when it comes to flowery prose. I mean, if the first sentence of a story talks about how dirt is floating around lackadaisically (which seems rather pointless to say with an adverb because there's really only one way dirt can float unless we're talking about high winds here), especially if it's followed by "much the same way ... dirt was bound to do," I start to get the impression that you're really trying to get your prose to sound poetic and witty. When it comes to description, less is really more. While I'm not saying you should be stripping your narration down until everything is about as dry as Hemingway('s bones), if you can say things simply, do so. That way, you don't make the reader feel as if they're reading the same thing over and over again.

Humor is also something that shouldn't be forced, really, but that's something I'll talk more about once I hit a better example than your description of dirt.


Lucille Ragemuffin

Really?


As Lucy’s luck would have it, her application for acquisition

Acquisition of…? "Acquisition" isn't really a word that stands on its own unless it has a reference point. For example, when you talk about publishing, acquisitions actually means "the acquisition of books." When you talk about antiques, it means "the acquisition of items in a collection." In this case, this could mean either the acquisition of a starter Pokémon, the acquisition of a trainer's license, both, or something else. You'd need to specify what she was obtaining in order to make it make sense.

This is also one of those times when I thought your prose was getting a little too flowery for its own good. It's never a good idea to sacrifice clarity and meaning for sounding more intelligent.


was finally accepted and tomorrow would be the day of the rest of her life.

Comma after "accepted." This is a compound sentence.


fourteen year old girls go,

Hyphenate "fourteen-year-old." The reason why is because it's actually acting like a single adjective, so it's treated like a single word.


her form fitting

Same thing with "form-fitting."


In Lucy’s mind this was something people with names like Dick and Gaylord would laugh at and in fact, as a slightly taller girl encroached upon her solidarity, Lucille was about to taste some mockery once again.

This is also a compound sentence, so you'll need a comma after "at."

As a trick to help you, whenever inserting a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) into a sentence, replace it with a period first. If you get two complete sentences as a result, then you're working with a compound.

Also, "encroached upon her solidarity"? I'm not quite sure what you mean here. "Solidarity" means "unity," and given that she's alone at the moment, she's not really unifying with anyone. Her thoughts are her own, so she can't exactly harmonize those with herself. That would be a lot like agreeing with yourself; of course you would.

So again, flowery is not always better.


To Lucy, the sight of Tabitha Landon was always an omen of a bad day to come. The only dirt she could ever bring on her was that her cousin Arthur was head of some Orbital Occult or something… but that story was old hat and the supposed cultists have taken themselves a new world or something.

This is a run-on sentence. If you replace all of the conjunctions with periods, do you notice that you end up with three complete sentences? You can't really have that, in part because it's not grammatically correct and in part because it makes the sentence seem weaker. Instead, figure out where you'd like to split the sentence to begin a new one. (My suggestion would be to put a period after "old hat" and split the rest into its own sentence, given that the part concerning the cultists taking themselves to a new world can stand on its own as a complete thought.)

Also, like I said earlier, humor is a difficult beast to work with. At this point, I know that you're making an off-handed reference to Heaven's Gate, but the problem is that most people on this forum don't remember that incident. So, it probably wouldn't come off as funny, just because the point of reference is lost on most people. Meanwhile, to those of us who do remember Heaven's Gate, it just seems like a dated reference, like making fun of MC Hammer's parachute pants. To be fair, though, it's really difficult to find a way to crack a joke about history in a way that makes events seem timeless. You'd usually have to focus on the event and really bring out the link between the joke and the past, if that makes sense. In short, you'd need to do it in a way that allows a person to get the joke without knowing the history behind it as opposed to attempting to make the history itself funny. Because a mass suicide really isn't all that funny in hindsight.


As far as Lucy was concern,

Was concerned.


Tabitha was related to loonies in the Orbital Occult!

There's really no need for the exclamation point. In fact, it's really better if you avoid using exclamation marks in narration. It just implies that the prose isn't doing that great of a job conveying the emotion you're looking for.


In truth, Tabby was just… a *****… and a super *****… both at the exact same time… and she had weird blonde streaks in her blue hair.

Likewise with ellipses. While they're great for conveying points in which the narration trails off, if you can find a way to convey the same information without using them, it usually makes your writing stronger and more self-assured (again, if that even makes sense). It's like the difference between using passive and active voice.


As her green t-shirt and short red skirt implied, she felt comfortable with her body and wasn’t afraid to show either fact.

How does her clothing imply that she's comfortable with her body? At least with Lucy, you take the time to describe that all of her clothing is close-fitting. With Tabby, we just get the colors of the garments, and the colors only tell us she's comfortable with her fashion sense (even though I'm right now picturing a lime-green shirt and a stop-sign-red miniskirt… which would basically be sins against fashion).


“Well well! It’s muff diver!”

On the one hand, sure, I remember my peers calling each other muff-divers when I was fourteen. On the other, I'm twenty-four, and I grew up in an area that was ten years out-of-date.

Point is, do people even say muff diver anymore? Seems like with celebrities coming out as bi left and right and with a growing list of female performers making out on stage with each other, no one really cares these days. Then again, it's been over ten years since I was in middle school, so I don't even know.

I do know, though, that it doesn't even really feel necessary. We could get a sense of Tabby's *****-hood without watching her resort to ambiguously modern name-calling.


Lucy knew what the red and white object was the instant she saw it, “Did your mommy buy you that Pokemon to help hide your badness?”

Besides the need to hyphenate "red and white" as one adjective, you'll need a period after "it." The reason why is because the part outside of the quotation marks isn't actually a dialogue tag. It's not describing how the quote is being said. It's instead describing a completely separate action.

Same thing with the next line, actually, but besides that:


“why would my parents buy me this Ratatta when they’re practically everywhere?”

Capitalize "why." The reason why (no pun intended) is because if you remove the quotation marks and everything surrounding this piece, you end up with a complete sentence on its own. Within quotation marks, everything a character says is treated as its own sentence, so it's punctuated and capitalized appropriately (for the most part).


Tabby’s next words practically shocked her enemy,

Also not a dialogue tag.


Lucy blinked, almost taken aback, “yea…” she trailed, “me either,” and she had to wonder why…

Period after "aback." This isn't a dialogue tag.

You'll need to capitalize "yeah" (and yes, it has an H in it) because it's the beginning of a new sentence.

"Trailed" isn't a word that describes how one speaks by itself. You can say "trailed off," but that doesn't really make sense because it comes directly before something else she says. Basically, you only use "trailed (off)" when the speaker's voice fades away at the end of what they're saying.

Period after "either." Follow this up by beginning a new sentence (without and). I would also suggest beginning a new paragraph because you're going into a completely new thought (a discussion about Lucy's wonderings and why Tabby isn't ragging on her).


It was simply her time to go, incidentally enough, Lucy almost seemed like she’d follow in her footsteps, leaving in the same manner, but she swore she would not let her younger sister ever forget who she was.

This is a comma splice. Put a period after "go" (or "enough," if you meant to have "incidentally enough" be part of the first sentence). Notice how you end up with two complete sentences as a result? Basically, a comma splice is a variation of a run-on sentence; you can't have them in your prose for the same reason you can't have a straight-up run-on.


With a silent yet uneasy look, she turned back to her so called rival, “which one do you want?” she asked, changing the subject.

Put a period after "rival." (The last part of this line – the part beginning with "she asked" – is a dialogue tag. Notice how it describes how the quote is being spoken and who's saying it?)

There's also a hyphenation issue with "so-called."

Also, if Lucy is trying to convey her thoughts with a silent look, then why is she speaking?

At this point, there's a number of other dialogue errors, so I figured I'd just provide a guide to help you sort them out yourself. Try this link out (http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm); it explains things clearly and provides examples.


Lucy was just baffled by the prospect of living to the south; the prospect of being in… China!

At this point, I've come to realize that you weren't talking about a region named Mongolia but instead an entire country. Realizing that, I'd like to point out that the word "region" (as Pokémon uses it) means "part of a country." That's why you have places like Kanto, which only take up about as much space as the real-world Kanto Plains. With a country – especially one the size of Mongolia – you're covering a lot of territory. That may be biting off more than you can chew, especially when you factor in the country's geography and culture.

Also, with that conversation, we were introduced to a bunch of different fakemon, but the names really don't mean much to us. I mean, we can't really picture a Corvolden or a Flamment, and unless those Pokémon are going to become huge deals in the future, it's difficult to figure out whether or not we should keep those names in mind. So the entire conversation that happens between Tabby and Lucy at this point feels like it's just there to parade a bunch of fakemon names past the reader, rather than to bring up something important or to help us get a better sense of the world you're creating.


the raw powered

Raw power. Power is a noun in this case, so it shouldn't be conjugated.

I have to say the same thing (as my discussion of starter names) about the battle you described. We can't visualize either Pokémon, and we don't know what Acid Rain actually looks like. As a result, those things don't really mean much to us because we have no concept in or out of canon of these things. So it ends up feeling like it only exists to parade names past us, rather than to give us an in-depth look at your world.


Even still, both girls had something very important to realize: a legend! Their legend! It begins… Tomorrow!

It's really not necessary to end a chapter with the equivalent of "to be continued." That, to be honest, sounds weak, redundant (because we already know that the story is going to continue), and just a little cliché.



Okay, so overall, you must think that I hate your story, and with all the nitpicks, I don't blame you. However, I do see potential in it. You look like you're trying to come up with a light-hearted trainer fic, and while that's more of a safe topic (meaning it very rarely brings anything new to the table, causing you to compete with every other new trainer fic out there), it's also one that a lot of people are going to like, just on the virtue of it being a trainer fic. The main problem is delivery. You start out trying to force your fic to be light-hearted and humorous, but as I've said, redundancy and dated jokes don't make for good humor. I can't tell you what does because, as I've also said, humor is a nasty beast to work with, but I can tell you that the best way to be funny is to avoid trying so hard to be funny. Make a joke about a situation, not for the sake of making a joke.

There's also the issue that you're trying to establish this world as being full of original Pokémon and whatnot, but you don't really go into description where it counts. Just as you don't tell us how someone's clothing reveals that they're self-confident, you also don't allow us to picture your fakemon or fake attacks with any sense of clarity. As a result, it's difficult to imagine exactly what's going on or what the characters are talking about. It's like walking into a conversation about a show you've never heard of and attempting to follow along, even if you have no clue what the show is actually like. It just doesn't work.

Then, there's the proofreading issues, which can be solved by picking up a beta. A lot of your errors were repeated throughout your work, so to be fair, I get the feeling they're not something you can fix just by proofreading a bit more carefully. Don't be afraid to find someone to help you out in that regard.

However, when it comes to the positive things, it looks like you're trying. It's difficult to say for certain if you're actually attempting to write a Mary Sue parody (and with the green hair, the rival angsting over her, and the name Ragemuffin, I'm not sure if I should take her seriously), but it does look like you're trying to get across something new and different.

I definitely give you points for characterization, even though I had that rant about "muff diver" earlier. I can picture these characters as fourteen-year-olds (albeit fourteen-year-olds at the beginning of the last decade), and I do like the idea that the rival is actually an emotionally confused tsundere with a massive crush fan-worship of the female main character. There's not that much les yay in this fandom, so I always appreciate it when it happens.

In short, while I'm being intensely critical, I can see this fic succeeding. The main issues are just being a bit more careful, describing what's most important to describe (as opposed to, say, the dirt), and letting the story come out naturally. In short, it's not bad, but it needs some polish.

3D992
18th April 2012, 6:06 AM
Sorry. I just saw the alternate audio link. The story makes more since when you hear it from a real voice. Your story has real promise.

Dilasc
25th April 2012, 7:18 PM
Hmm, a bunch of good points hath been brought up. Although one that just gets me obsessive is the fact that having R10 B23 G255 hair in a universe where all 256^4 colors of the computer are perfectly viable is a Mary Sue trait.

Suffice to say, changing the vocal reel is and actual story is a lot harder when both need to synchronize at least by ninety or so percent well. I will stop describing dirt.


So that's that for now... what do you mean this was a bump in disguise? That's silly!

JX Valentine
25th April 2012, 7:40 PM
Although one that just gets me obsessive is the fact that having R10 B23 G255 hair in a universe where all 256^4 colors of the computer are perfectly viable is a Mary Sue trait.

While this is true, in conjunction with the other traits, it becomes ambiguous. Many people like to create a Mary Sue parody by essentially going down a checklist filched from a litmus test, including technicolor hair (even though green, pink, purple, blue, and so-on hair is actually perfectly natural in the Pokémon universe), so if it's seen alongside other potential Sue/parody traits, it becomes another possible sign that we're looking at a parody. At this point, I'm just looking for clarification on that matter because I'm not entirely sure if I should be looking at this as a straight-up humor fic or if it's actually a trainer fic with a few hints of humor. Definitely affects how I'll be looking at future chapters.

As for changing the voice reel, I can completely understand that. You could always leave the chapter as-is for now with a note that you intend on revising later or revise the text but not the voice recording at this time if that makes things easier for you. But that part is definitely up to you.