View Full Version : Hate (One Shot, PG15)

17th April 2012, 1:18 AM
Warning! Implied rape. Blood.


That was all she could feel. The Gardevoir could barely move her limbs, broken, bloodied, useless. She could crawl, though. As the rain started to fall, cleansing away the red that soaked the field, she crawled through the mud. Crawled to her master as she bled out, her tattered gown painfully ripping against the dirt. She crawled onto him, shielding him from the rain. It was all she could do.


She stared at his nearly paralyzed face, his gasping, the blood that trickled down his face. She tried to comfort him, she tried, but how could she? They were both broken toys that life had some fun with and then threw away. Nobody was coming to save them. Nobody would find them in the rocky highlands upon which their blood mingled, flowing together in red pools that were swept away by the rain.


Why would nobody save them!? What did they do to deserve this? Was it their insolence to meet on that day? A Ralts and a trainer. That had happened plenty of times before! So why? Was it his ambition to go for the top, despite his poor health? Poor health that wasn't even his fault? Why did he have to be born so damn frail!?


It wasn't her master's fault that he was sickly. It wasn't his fault that he was constantly upstaged by him, always there, always superior. Her master looked up to him, and he thought nothing of her master! He just laughed, took her master's cash, and went on his way, never even bothering to return her master's smile.


It wasn't her master's fault that he was a horrible trainer. He tried, by Arecus, he tried! He endured every defeat, he made them stronger, he was always there for them! He never skimped, he always got the best...he even made it to Victory Road! He should have made it all the way to the top! He had made it so far, he had put in so much effort, he had overcome his frailty!


But HE was there. HE was always better. She tried her best, damn it, why wasn't it enough!? They had put in so much effort, why did they lose!? He didn't even spare her master a second grace as he crushed his dreams, using him as a mere stepping stone. They were weak, they had to get back to the Pokemon Center...but the "Victory" Road was treacherous, and dark...


They had found a exit. They should have been home free. But those bastard humans lunged her master. They beat them all to a pulp, and worse. One by one, their friends, their companions, were sadistically tortured and slaughtered, all for some sick kicks. The bastards then turned their gaze to her and her master after they finished off the rest, and had them do things. Things forced upon them with not a single question of consent or desire...


And now they were lying there, bleeding out, discarded as the bastards made their way on to new conquests. Nobody was coming to save them. It wasn't fair, her master had tried so hard, why did it have to end this way!? They were so close! Too broken to cry, the rain streaming down her face served as tears. But he was still alive. He still tried to comfort her. He struggled a smile as the life started to fade from his body.


He sung her their song. That one that they had started their journey singing. She tried to hum along, as she always did, but couldn't, coughing blood as she struggled to stay conscious. His arms crossed over her back in a final embrace, as he thanked her. For being strong for him. For being his friend...

Why had it all been for naught!?

Why couldn't he win!?

Why did they have to die?

Why couldn't she save him?

Why... Why couldn't she even hum their song one last time?

It wasn't fair.






Well, this is my first oneshot to be posted to serebii! I've been taking a hand at writing stories lately, and this just came to mind one day as I was thinking about the various rivals from the pokemon games. Hopefully you enjoyed! Please leave a review or some words of advice if you can, thanks.

17th April 2012, 3:07 AM
I liked the use of spacing, italics, underlining, and bold because they really created a rhythm and a sense of the feelings of the Ralts. I can't find anything that should be changed or needs to work on, but I my critiquing skills are not wonderful. More stories?

17th April 2012, 3:17 AM
More stories are coming, of course! (/m bison)

Although it's not clear now that I look at it in hindsight, she was a gardevoir at the time of the story. TIIIIINY edit to the second sentence to rectify this.

17th April 2012, 4:08 AM
The second I realized it was Wally, all I could do was breathe an "oh no" and brace myself as best I could.

I thought this was really interesting. I haven't seen many stories about Wally, especially about the protagonist and Wally's sickness and liability to get bullied resulting in his death. I thought this was fairly well-done, and I especially liked seeing the intensity of her hate growing through the text itself, and how it quickly faded the moment Wally smiled at her. I did find the paragraphs a little too uniform in length and would have liked to see some detailed moments of their shared past, such as when they first meet, training and so on. The battle with "him" felt like the only moment we got to see, as we got the detail of not returning Wally's smile, which I really liked. That, I think, could have been a wonderful theme to expand on - Wally faces so much difficulty, so many things for Gardevoir to hate, yet he's always smiling. That was the impression I got, and I think you can definitely play with it.

Otherwise, I also felt a little confused about the setting itself. It was raining, and while it made for a nice affect, Victory Road is often inside a cave, and with the description of being "dark," I assumed it was so. (I haven't played R/S/E so I don't know for certain.) I also found it a little strange that nobody would come for them - it's dramatic to put it that way, but if Victory Road is known for being dangerous, you'd think there would be some sort of security so the Pokemon League wouldn't be held accountable for the deaths of trainers like this.

The bullying was an interesting touch, as I can definitely see Wally getting bullied fairly often. I'm just surprised that, unless he already knew these people and they had bullied him before, for strangers to torture and murder Pokémon and then commit rape seems pretty extreme. Even starting off the encounter with verbal bullying and have it escalate from there could help.

As for what I could only perceive to be rape, that kind of topic should be warned of in advance when possible, as the subject triggers some people emotionally. Either way, I found that you did a weak job trying to convey this aspect of the story because it didn't sound authentic. I think there's a little too much focus on the fact that she would have done it otherwise rather than the actual trauma and horror of what actually happened. That said, it certainly wouldn't have been necessary to detail the situation anyway. I'm just not sure if you can handle this kind of subject - which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it is a complicated and difficult subject to cover. I would be wary of including it in your writing at the moment.

Lastly, some missing words and other small language fixer-uppers.

As the rain started to fall, cleansing away the red that soaked the field, she crawled, through the mud.
You don't need a comma after "crawled."

They were both broken toys that life had fun with and then threw away.
I think you can have it as "had had fun with," but you could also just leave that part out and say "toys that life had thrown away."

Why would nobody save them!?
Go easy on using "?!" as it gets overused in this paragraph and starts looks tacky quickly. In this case, a single question mark would suffice.

He just laughed, took her master's cash, and went on his way, never even bothering to return her master's smile.
I really liked the bit about the smile at the end and found it a really nice detail, but I find a Gardevoir using the word "cash" a little odd. Maybe "earnings"?

It wasn't her master's fault that he was a horrible trainer.
I find it strange that she calls him a horrible trainer, because her following explanations show that he's decent enough. He was able to "overcome his frailty" and also train her to a Gardevoir, at least.

...he even made it to victory road!
Since this is the name of a place, it should be capitalized to "Victory Road."

He didn't even spare her master a second grace as he passed him on,
Not really sure what you mean by "pass him on" - maybe just "passed him" or "surpassed him"? Otherwise I would just say "defeated us."

They were weak, they had to get back to the pokemon center
This is a comma splice, as these are two independent clauses being joined by a comma. You can fix this by making a comma a semicolon or add "and" after the comma. "Pokémon Center" also tends to be capitalized.

But those bastard humans lunged her master. They beat them all to a pulp, and worse.
Should be "lunged at/for her master." It's also unclear who "them" is, but I assume it was his Pokémon. For some reason, I got the impression that they just got at Wally's team and started beating them up, though I'm sure there were battles involved. I imagine that trainers should be able to return their Pokémon to their Pokéballs to prevent this from happening, though.

all in the name of schadenfreude.
this seemed like a very strange detail to add. I'm familliar with the term, but this is mostly already implied.

The bastards turned their gaze to her and her master after they finished the rest,
I would add "the bastards then turned their gaze" to give a sense of time and "finished off the rest."

To conclude, I definitely thought this was interesting and sad. I had no problems realizing you were talking about Wally and that she was a Gardevoir (before you made the edit), and you managed to say a lot just with little things, like Wally's smile. As I pointed out, there are a few small nitpicks you can edit and some things you can tinker with, but I liked the length and style of this piece.

Thanks for the read, looking forward to more. :>


PS: As a note, just be aware that if you post more stories, they can each be in their own thread. :>

17th April 2012, 11:45 AM

While this was intentionally vague, wally was, indeed, the basis for the story as you said. Although his Gardevoir wasn't canonically female, so it adds to the mystery! Whooo!

But wow, indeed, thanks for that review. Definitly taking pointers. Also, tidied up the story.

With one exception: The arbitrary !?s towards the end, while I kind of failed at it, were intended to convey a sense of her fading away, with it gradually dropping to simply question marks, then then ellipsis, then italics, and finally, red.

Why did I add a german word for no reason? D: Slicing it out because it's just redundant.

Also, in hindsight, it really did seem like rape. While I'm definitely going to add a warning for this, I do want to take a moment to touch on it. And yes, it was brutal at how they acted with no provocation, but that's the point. It was just more unnecessary brutality from a world that was already unnecessarily brutal.

Also yeah too much focus changing that.

As for why his pokemon werent in his pokeballs?

Remember how she said he was a horrible trainer?

Yeaaaaaah. Although to be fair, wouldn'tve helped them either way.

18th April 2012, 6:33 AM
I'm not a great writer myself, but I thought the story (with its gloomy setting and plot) was interesting and I liked the flow of it from beginning to end.

I'll definitely be sure to check out any more of the stories you put up in the future.

Aura Of Twilight
22nd April 2012, 4:31 PM
Ugh! There's nothing I can think of to say except....That was great! :) I look forward to reading more of your stories!