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Interrupt
26th April 2012, 3:33 AM
Chapter 1
------------------------------
6:30 AM

"Good morning, Ken! Wake up! Time to pick out your new best friend!"

Belinda continued ironing clothes.

6:35 AM

"Ken, I'm serious! Get up!"

Belinda had always known that her son liked his sleep, averaging fifteen hours a day, but he had been talking about this moment since his thirteenth birthday.
He didn't even care much that a few days ago was his fourteenth birthday. Ken hadn't been allowed to obtain Pokémon at ten years old because of his grandmother's
attempts to create a family tradition and not train Pokémon. For these reasons, many thought she was part of Team Plasma. Others thought not, since that was more of
a Unova thing. When she died, however, many youth in the Badlum family began their adventures.

6:40 AM

"Ugh, I give up."

Belinda Hart said this as she moved out of the room to brush her teeth and hair. She was a beautiful brunette, winning the hearts of many half-witted men.
Most of her lovers had only looks and no personality and thought she was the same. However, when she met John Badlum in the Air Force, it was love at first sight.
The government of Kanto had lost track of John in a "minor disagreement" with another region, but Belinda was confident he was alive.

7:30 AM

"Hey Ken, are you going to get up today or tomorrow?"

Belinda adjusted all of his Pokémon posters and things he had been collecting since he understood the concept of battling. She reflected on his spunky personality,
much like hers. In fact, if the school he attended had cliques, the one he would fit in the most would probably be ghetto, but not quite.

Ken awoke. He removed the bed sheets from on top of him and got up. He looked at his Poké-clock with a shock and realized the time and how late he was.

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Mom, why didn't you wake me up??" Ken crashed around the room like a test dummy.

"Are you deaf, boy? I must've tried about ten times!" But Ken couldn't hear her. He was too busy getting dressed and screaming. As soon as he was done dressing,
he grabbed some yoghurt, some ketchup (to drink) and his Pokémon Trainerpack he got when he was six and dashed off to Saffron.

But not before his mother could stall him three times, of course.

Saffron is only about three miles away from the edge of Celadon, not a far walk for someone as fit as Ken. Trainercon, the event Ken and Belinda had arranged for Ken
to go to, was the bottom three floors of Silph Co. Ken walked around the very noisy building until he found the "Absolute Beginner" booth.


There he found an elderly Professor Oak with a plethora of beginner-optimized Pokémon. Oak handed Ken a personality sheet, which Ken happily filled out.
Ken gave the sheet back to Oak, which led to Oak saying, "Oh! It seems you're the Pikachu type. Unfortunately, I'm all out of them. The catchers couldn't get as many
as planned. Well, that's all you can expect from the lousy contracters. Sorry about that, kiddo. I'm going on break now."

For some reason, Ken wondered if that was what he told everyone.

Ken was about to leave disappointedly when a Pokéball hit Oak in the head and broke.
"Some Pokémon, you geezer!" The ball revealed a Pikachu, who stared at Ken biting his lip.

"Oh! I take that back. I suppose it's yours! Run along now, you little sonny." And with that, he went off to sleep. (or fainted?)
------------------------
Back at home...

"Hey Mr. Shockington! Want some Pokéblocks?" Mr. Shockington was the Pikachu's selected name by default after he refused his bell with a shock,
and therefore the name Mr. Jingles. The Pokéblocks hit Mr. Shockington completely ignored.

"Hm. Oh well."

Ken picked up the Pokéblocks and opened his pack. He took out his ketchup.

"Kachu?"

Ken was about to pour it in his mouth when Shockington leaped at him and swiped the Pi-Ketchup®.

"Pika pika PIKAAA KACHU!!!" The curious Pikachu drank all the ketchup faster than Ken had ever done it. Shocks was very vocal about the ketchup's taste.

"Pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika, pika..."

The advertisers at Pi-Ketchup Co. always said their ketchup had a strange habit of attracting the obese electric rodents, but Ken thought it was all just a myth.

"Hm. Better trust my uncle about the Pikachu Pokéball glitch, too."

Despite the compressing techniques used by Silph Co. having flaws with some Pokémon, they were trusted, even with Pokémon experts like Mr. Oat, Ken's uncle.

Oat gave Ken many years back a Pokémon translator, using technology from the super-secret HM∞ "Talk". Typically, this device was several thousand Pokés,

so it was quite a nice gift. Ken put the device up to Shockington's mouth.

"Say something, bro." The rodent was hesitant at first, but eventually said a string of Pikas that meant, "Hey there, friend! Where do you keep the ketchup around here?"

"In the fridge, why?"

"Hey, how do you understand me?" "This thing that I'm putting close to your mouth helps me understand you." "Cool! I'll be right back."

The Pikachu dashed off to the kitchen. Ken heard screaming and plates shattering. "Hey! How do you expect me to feed myself with four bottles??"
-----------------------------------END OF CHAPTER 1-----------------------------------






Chapter 2
----------------
"Wake up, Mr. Shockington! Rise and shine! It's a brand new day!"

"Pi..ka..chu..."

"C'mon, you silly sleepyhead! Wake up!"

Mr. Shockington rose from the bed and looked at Ken, who was fully dressed. "Pika?"

"It's two o'clock. You've been sleeping this whole time."

Ken sat down on the bed besides the tired Pokémon.

"I went out to do some errands and pick up some stuff. They were having a sale on Pokédex 10 at the Department
Store so I picked one up. They really should just call it the PokédeX. See, because Pokédex and the roman- here, lemme scan you."

Mr. Shockington put on his "attractive" pose.

"Pikachu- the Electric Mouse Pokémon. Pikachu are very social and are a common beginner's Pokémon."

"I knew it!" Fist pump.

"They live together in communities and work together to get things done."

"Pika pika pikachu, ka!"

"It is cool! I also made you these Pi-Ketchup blend Pokéblo-"

"PIKA PIKA PIKA!!!" Mr. Shockington leaped for the ketchup Pokéblocks and stuck the entire bag in its mouth.

"... You know, eating paper is bad for you. Besides that, we should start training!"
-------------------------------------------------------

"Pidgey- the Tiny Bird Pokémon. Pidgey are very, very, very common and very easy to provoke."

"Shockster, use Electro Ball!"

Mr. Shockington hurled himself at the enemy Pidgey. "Pika, Pika!"

"Pidgey!!" The Pidgey dramatically fainted.

"Good job! Do you want me to catch it?"

"Pika pika!" (Only if it can bring us ketchup!)

"What is that even supposed to mean?" Ken caught the Pidgey and named it Applebee's.

"Now let's see what else we can find!" Ken did a little victory-jig and ran off to look for more.

"Pi-Pikachu!" Shocking followed.
-------------------------------------------------------
"Meowth- the Scratchcat Pokémon. Meowth adore round, shiny jewelry."

"Meeee-owth!"

"Aww! How adorable! I think I'll catch you. Applebee's, come on out! Give this battle a twist!"

Applebee's used Twister and knocked the Meowth out. Ken caught it.

"Hmm.. how about Nekopan?"

"Pikachu."

"What do you mean, you don't like that name??" Ken looked at Pikachu like he just took of his clothes.

"Pika, pikachu!"

"Whatever, you foreign-language hater. N-e-k-o-p-a-" Shockington leaped at the Pokédex and typed "No".

"HIS NAME IS NOT NO!! BAD, BAD PIKACHU!!"

"Pika pikaaaaa-chu." Pikachu acted like it was funny, which it was totally not.

"Well.." Ken sighed. "I guess it could work."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Abra- the-" Ken covered the device before it could finish the description.

"HOLY FLUFF'N'STUFF! IT'S AN ABRA! Shockington, Thunder Wave! Quick!"

"Pikachu!" Shockington used Thunder Wave and paralyzed the Abra.

"Let's see now.. Bike coupon.. Trainer ID.. Profile.. Berries.. Dangit, where's the- oh, go figure. I'm out." Ken got up and walked to the Department Store.

"20 Great Balls, please."

"20? that makes 8000 Pokés. You're sure rich!"

"Tell me about it."

"...

Why?"

"You really wanna know?"

Ken extracted his insta-seat and sat on it. "A long time ago, me paps were's a hot dog vend-arr. Sarrm guise came 'n gave hem hundurd billin box, ed sed, keep da change,

saw he dyad."

"...

I didn't get any of that."
------------------------------------------------
"Ok, refilled on balls and- Oh wow! The Abra is still there. Nice shock, Sir Shocking the Gallant."

The Abra was trying to inch away, but was too weak to withstand the Thunder Wave.

"Pika, pika, pika!!" Shockington flexed and showed his tiny muscles. Ken threw the ball and captured the Abra.

"H-u-k-y-n-a-g-a. Does that sound magical to you?" Mr. Shockington gave Ken the serious face and then the cold shoulder.

"Shockington..." Ken pulled Mr. Shockington's tail. The mouse turned around and bit him very, very hard.

"YOW! I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET THIS AMPUTATED, YOU FAT RODENT!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Ken walked to the Celadon Gym.
Fire Pokémon banned. Dispense all Fire Pokémon here.

"Seems to me like they don't like losing." Ken entered and saw a bunch of trainers rushing around looking worried. The garden was also noticeably wilted.

"Hello, young trainer. Come closer." Erika was a good friend of Ken's mother.

"Good morning, Erika. Why are Fire-types banned?"

"Oh! A few days ago, a terrible Vulpix came in and used Will o' Wisp. It put our entire garden on fire! We just don't want it
to happen again."

"Ah.. I see. Well then, how about a duel?"

"That sounds good. But I must heal my hurt Venusaur. The fire got on his plant." Venusaur's plant was totally wilted.

"Venusaur.."

"Well then, while you're doing that, I can fight the other guys, right?"

"That sounds good! Promise me you'll come back here."
------------------------END OF CHAPTER 2----------------







Chapter 3
----------------------------
Ken was in the Celadon Gym looking for competition to stall the time and learning more about the gym system.
"You have no badges," One of the Picnickers told him, "So you'll only fight one of us."

"That sounds cool! I just hope Erika is ready when I'm done. Can I battle you?"

Picnicker Mike pulled out a calculator and tapped away. "I assume your party is about level twenty-five. I'll have to go easy on you."

"Well, what's your party's?"

Mike's eyes turned red and flaming. "Level Ex."
















"Not really, right?"

"Nah. It's more like fourty."

".. Still ouch."
-------------------------
"Hukynaga, I choose you!"

"Pika-pika kachu!" Mr. Shockington exclaimed excitedly.

"Go! Vileplume!"

Ken began giggling.

"What? What's so funny?"

"A Pokémon without a name always indicates a noobish trainer."

The Vileplume turned around and looked at Mike with a "Yeah.. Punk." face.

"I'm sorry, Vileplume. Tell ya what. When we get home I'll give all of you names."

"Aaaa-nyways.. Hukynaga! Use Psybeam!" The Abra shook it's head. "What? What's that? Huh? You don't know that? How about Psychic? No? Confusion? No? Then what do you know?" Hukynaga used Teleport and went back inside it's Pokéball. "Well, I guess that reduces my party down to three."

Picnicker Mike looked thoughtful. "What if.. We had a three-on-three battle?"

"Epicals! Does that even exist?"

"Well.. I'm fairly positive? But it'll be fun!" Mike bounced up and down like a toddler. Sadly enough, Ken joined him.

"No! Applebee's! Mr. Shockington! Make my day!"

"Pfft.. Mr. Shockington. What.. creative names." Mike was stifling his laughter.

"You won't be laughing when I'm through with you."

"Ludicolo! Exeggcute! Pound 'em!"

Ken's jaw hit the floor. "Woah! you have a Ludicolo?" Ken swapping hats with Ludicolo, annoying Ludicolo.

"Yeah. A trainer on the S.S. Anne was willing to trade." Mike seperated Ken and Ludicolo.

"Mind if I scan them with my Pokédex?"

"Knock yourself out." Ken removed the Pokédex from his pocket and scanned.

"Ludicolo- The Carefree Pokémon and the final form of Lotad. This Pokémon is best described as a Mexican party cactus.
Vileplume- The Flower Pokémon and the final form of Oddish. Vileplume have the largest petals in the world and extremely allergenic pollen.
Exeggcute- the Egg Pokémon. It converses with it's partners through telepathy."

"Ludi!" Ludicolo seemed ticked off by the Pokédex description.

"No! Bite on Exeggcute! Shocks! Electro Ball on Ludicolo! Applebee's! Wing Attack on Vileplume!" The skillfully selected moves caused carnage on Mike's party.

"Quite a skilled trainer for a No-Badgey."

"DON'T CALL ME NOBADGEY!!" Ken almost literally exploded.

"Uhh.. okay." Mike's eyes zoned out. "Anyways, Vileplume! Use Poisonpowder on that Pikachu! Ludiculo! Bubblebeam on Meowth! Exeggcute! Psybeam on the Pidgey!"

"Why does yours know Psybeam?" Ken muttered.

"Pika pika pika pika pikaaaaaa!!!!" Mr. Shockington acted like it was the end of the world.

"Pika-pikachu!"

(I'm bleeding! It's the end for me!)

"Pidgey pi-pidgey!"

(Wait! Marissa! Hold on! Marissa! Marissa! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!)

"Meowry meowth."

(I feel you, bro.)

"Pidgey pidgey?"

(Why was I calling him Marissa, any way?)

"Meow meow meow."

(Soap opera parodies are never funny.)

"Calm down, guys. it's just a little poison."

"Pi..i..i..ika.." The rodent curled up at Ken's feet,

"Ok, maybe a lot poison. But it'll be over soon." Ken reached over to pet Mr. Shockington.

"Pikachu.."


"Uh, we have a battle to battle..?" Mike was tapping his feet impatiently.

"Don't worry about that. All of you, encore! Not the move, mind you."

The Wing Attack soared towards the Vileplume. No lunged toward Exeggcute. Mr. Shockington charged electricity and fired.

"Good choice.. Nobadgey." Ken kicked Mike. "Ooh! If you need me after this, I'll be in the ER." Mike fainted! (Gained 397 Exp.) Actually, not really.

"Exeggcute! Use- Exeggcute?"

...

No response.

"Well, that's grand. Curse you dark type moves and your common finding in movepools. That leaves me down to two. "Vileplume! Razor Leaf, and don't screw it up! Ludicolo! Mud Sport!"

"Wait, how does he know Mud Sport?"

"...

I don't know."

"Well, crud."

Mr. Shockington was totally covered in mud, immobile.

"Cow crud. Really, really sticky crud."

"You know, when most people say crud, they don't mean poopie."

"I'm not most people." Ken seemed particularly bothered.

"By the way, Electro Ball's attack power is not based off of type advantages, but attacker speed minus defender speed."

"...Oh... I was wondering why he was taking so long to kick the bucket." Ken said weakly. "You two, rinse and repeat. Me and Sir Shocking are gonna clean up." Ken reads niche novels too much and always carries a towel around, fortunately for the static mouse.

After the sparks flew, Vileplume was fainted. "Curse you flying types!"

"Do you always say something along those lines?"

"Curse you inquisitive people! Ludicolo! Surf!"

"That mexican party cactus knows a lot of weird moves."

"I know, right?"

Applebee's flew right over the enormous wave, however, No was caught in the tide mishap and put out of fighting conditions. Applebee's,
solo, did a fatal attack on the mexican party cactus. Mike's jaw hit the floor.

"You.. did it. You're the first trainer to beat me since I joined this Gym!"

"How long ago was that?"

"Eh, about three days ago. You're also the first trainer to battle me."

"Do I get my badge now?"

"No, kiddo. You have to beat Erika first. But she just has one Venusaur at the moment and- Woah! What's that?"

Mike pointed at a spectacular flash of blue lights emerging from Applebee's and No.

"I.. don't know. It says here they're.. Ay-val-ving."

"Evolving. I just said 'What's that' to attract your attention."

After the show was over, the party had a group hug, even Hukynaga. "Congrats guys! This is a big step in our career and in the boundaries of awesomeness!"

"Pidgeotto!"

"Meowry meow.."

"Pika pika pi-pikachu!"

A series of squeaks came from the psychic Pokémon.

"Yay!" They all jumped into the air and froze like they do in the movies.
-------------------------------END OF CHAPTER 3---------------------------------------

----------------------
In continuation from the last thread..

I'm truly sorry I called you an "Attic Dweller". That was stupid, even for me.

The Great Butler
26th April 2012, 5:16 AM
The problem is, while you've improved the description slightly, it is still far from enough. That, and the plot still really doesn't make any sense, proving to be very hard to follow.



In continuation from the last thread..

I'm truly sorry I called you an "Attic Dweller". That was stupid, even for me.

Continuing this is not going to help either.

Kutie Pie
26th April 2012, 6:24 AM
Okay, for one thing, all of the chapters are in one thread. And even then, you would've gotten in trouble for posting up three chapters in a row like that.

Second, at least you took our advice by editing the first chapter. Though as time went on, you faltered on that and didn't march on with the plot, as I will mention shortly.

Now, do we really need to learn about Belinda like this? How important a character is she going to be that you're describing her backstory like that? She may be Ken's mother, but she's more like a secondary character unless she has some importance in the plot. It's the same with mentioning it's Ken's birthday. Why not just show us it was his birthday days ago, instead of telling us? You can mention a birthday cake in the refrigerator when he gets breakfast, or some deflating balloons laying around or something.


There he found an elderly Professor Oak with a plethora of beginner-optimized Pokémon. Oak handed Ken a personality sheet, which Ken happily filled out.
Ken gave the sheet back to Oak, which led to Oak saying, "Oh! It seems you're the Pikachu type. Unfortunately, I'm all out of them. The catchers couldn't get as many
as planned. Well, that's all you can expect from the lousy contracters. Sorry about that, kiddo. I'm going on break now."

Still too quick and rather vague. Why not spend some time with the quiz? I would've liked to see what was on it.


"Oh! I take that back. I suppose it's yours! Run along now, you little sonny." And with that, he went off to sleep. (or fainted?)

This is rather out-of-place and out-of-character for Professor Oak, and even then, the bolded part didn't need to be there like that. It could've been written like, “And with that, he went off to sleep. Or he might've fainted, Ken couldn't tell.” Or the possible fainting shouldn't be mentioned at all.


"Hey, how do you understand me?" "This thing that I'm putting close to your mouth helps me understand you." "Cool! I'll be right back."

Why isn't the dialogue separated into separate paragraphs? You did the same thing starting at “Say something, bro.”

And upon coming up to chapter two, I can tell that you didn't really add anything that shows signs of improvement except that you do prolong some of the scenes out with dialogue and no description, and the transitions are still as bad as before.

And then there's... this exchange.


"20 Great Balls, please."

"20? that makes 8000 Pokés. You're sure rich!"

"Tell me about it."

"...

Why?"

"You really wanna know?"

Ken extracted his insta-seat and sat on it. "A long time ago, me paps were's a hot dog vend-arr. Sarrm guise came 'n gave hem hundurd billin box, ed sed, keep da change,

saw he dyad."

"...

I didn't get any of that."

That last line took the words out of my mouth. That was bad, RetardRaichu. You just threw that together and didn't bother polishing it up before posting the story up. I have no idea what happened, or who was speaking near the end, all that jazz. Please fix that pronto.



"Hello, young trainer. Come closer." Erika was a good friend of Ken's mother.

If Erika knows Ken's mom, why didn't she call him by his first name?

Then we get to chapter three... and this is where it all takes a sharp turn for the worse.


Ken was in the Celadon Gym looking for competition to stall the time and learning more about the gym system.
"You have no badges," One of the Picnickers told him, "So you'll only fight one of us."

"That sounds cool! I just hope Erika is ready when I'm done. Can I battle you?"

Picnicker Mike pulled out a calculator and tapped away. "I assume your party is about level twenty-five. I'll have to go easy on you."

"Well, what's your party's?"

Mike's eyes turned red and flaming. "Level Ex."
















"Not really, right?"

"Nah. It's more like fourty."

".. Still ouch."

With the exception of that huge blank space and the ending having been slightly changed, it's the same. And my issues from the previous thread about this part still stands.



Ken's jaw hit the floor. "Woah! you have a Ludicolo?" Ken swapping hats with Ludicolo, annoying Ludicolo.

That was badly worded at the end there. And how in the world can he switch hats with Ludicolo when Ludicolo doesn't have a hat?



"Ludicolo- The Carefree Pokémon and the final form of Lotad. This Pokémon is best described as a Mexican party cactus.
Vileplume- The Flower Pokémon and the final form of Oddish. Vileplume have the largest petals in the world and extremely allergenic pollen.
Exeggcute- the Egg Pokémon. It converses with it's partners through telepathy."

Instead of spacing them out like that, why not split them apart with some mention of the PokéDex beeping or something?

And the differences stop there, which goes to show you didn't bother trying to fix up chapter three like you were supposed to, and we're still going nowhere with the plot, and this is a problem, as the plot should be established, or at least hinted at at the beginning of the story. The closest we have is the mentioning of the HM∞ "Talk" and where it came from, but then it seems to have dropped out of existence, and all we get is what looks to be exposition filler.

I don't know if your apology is sincere, honestly, since you were rather bitter with me earlier. You shouldn't have even included that at the end. If you wanted to apologize to me, you should've sent me a private note.

Actually, I don't want an apology. What I want from you instead is improvement like I have wanted in the previous thread. You did what we said in chapter one, but then slowed it down in chapter two before pretty much leaving chapter three in its original form. So something tells me you haven't really taken to heart what we've told you.

So please, RetardRaichu, if you want to make things easier on yourself and don't want to get in trouble again, then stop fighting and do as we ask, and you will go far in due time. By proving to me you are willing to listen and learn, I will forgive and forget what you've said. Okay?

Interrupt
26th April 2012, 3:23 PM
Okay, for one thing, all of the chapters are in one thread. And even then, you would've gotten in trouble for posting up three chapters in a row like that.

Second, at least you took our advice by editing the first chapter. Though as time went on, you faltered on that and didn't march on with the plot, as I will mention shortly.

Now, do we really need to learn about Belinda like this? How important a character is she going to be that you're describing her backstory like that? She may be Ken's mother, but she's more like a secondary character unless she has some importance in the plot. It's the same with mentioning it's Ken's birthday. Why not just show us it was his birthday days ago, instead of telling us? You can mention a birthday cake in the refrigerator when he gets breakfast, or some deflating balloons laying around or something.

ME: I hardly talked about Belinda, I talked about the setting from her point of view. And don't say one thing and then the other.

Still too quick and rather vague. Why not spend some time with the quiz? I would've liked to see what was on it.

ME: Okay.

This is rather out-of-place and out-of-character for Professor Oak, and even then, the bolded part didn't need to be there like that. It could've been written like, “And with that, he went off to sleep. Or he might've fainted, Ken couldn't tell.” Or the possible fainting shouldn't be mentioned at all.

ME: He got hit in the head with a Pokéball. I fixed the rest.

Why isn't the dialogue separated into separate paragraphs? You did the same thing starting at “Say something, bro.”

ME: Just a mistake.

And upon coming up to chapter two, I can tell that you didn't really add anything that shows signs of improvement except that you do prolong some of the scenes out with dialogue and no description, and the transitions are still as bad as before.

ME: Thank you. *bow*

And then there's... this exchange.



That last line took the words out of my mouth. That was bad, RetardRaichu. You just threw that together and didn't bother polishing it up before posting the story up. I have no idea what happened, or who was speaking near the end, all that jazz. Please fix that pronto.

ME: No. It was good. Lemme ask you something. You ever watch Disney? That's the definition of forced humor. Not what I'm doing.

Jessie: Hello Ravi. LOL

Ravi: Hey Jessie. LOLOL

Jessie: How was school?

Ravi: Great! LLOLFORGJIRHLOLOLRJW

If Erika knows Ken's mom, why didn't she call him by his first name?

ME: coz

Then we get to chapter three... and this is where it all takes a sharp turn for the worse.



With the exception of that huge blank space and the ending having been slightly changed, it's the same. And my issues from the previous thread about this part still stands.



That was badly worded at the end there. And how in the world can he switch hats with Ludicolo when Ludicolo doesn't have a hat?

ME: Yes he does.

Instead of spacing them out like that, why not split them apart with some mention of the PokéDex beeping or something?

ME: coz

And the differences stop there, which goes to show you didn't bother trying to fix up chapter three like you were supposed to, and we're still going nowhere with the plot, and this is a problem, as the plot should be established, or at least hinted at at the beginning of the story. The closest we have is the mentioning of the HM∞ "Talk" and where it came from, but then it seems to have dropped out of existence, and all we get is what looks to be exposition filler.

I don't know if your apology is sincere, honestly, since you were rather bitter with me earlier. You shouldn't have even included that at the end. If you wanted to apologize to me, you should've sent me a private note.

ME: I'm honest. I didn't want Buts to be left on an unknown note, but you're right

Actually, I don't want an apology. What I want from you instead is improvement like I have wanted in the previous thread. You did what we said in chapter one, but then slowed it down in chapter two before pretty much leaving chapter three in its original form. So something tells me you haven't really taken to heart what we've told you.

ME: Umm, I take that back then?..

So please, RetardRaichu, if you want to make things easier on yourself and don't want to get in trouble again, then stop fighting and do as we ask, and you will go far in due time. By proving to me you are willing to listen and learn, I will forgive and forget what you've said. Okay?

Chapter 4 is coming soon. About Chapter 6 will be the beginning of Arc 1, which is the one that involves Shadow Pokémon. I thought it would be smarter to just have all of his stories in one thread. If it stays open, that is.

Kutie Pie
26th April 2012, 5:28 PM
I hardly talked about Belinda, I talked about the setting from her point of view. And don't say one thing and then the other.

You really didn't give the setting from her point-of-view. I could care less about Belinda's and even Ken's backstory from her point-of-view unless it holds some significance to the plot. And looking at it, it's rather forced, and feels out-of-place. Either re-write that part, or take it out until later.


He got hit in the head with a Pokéball. I fixed the rest.

All right, then.


Just a mistake.

Then fix it instead of telling me something I've already known.


No. It was good. Lemme ask you something. You ever watch Disney? That's the definition of forced humor. Not what I'm doing.

Jessie: Hello Ravi. LOL

Ravi: Hey Jessie. LOLOL

Jessie: How was school?

Ravi: Great! LLOLFORGJIRHLOLOLRJW

That's not an excuse. At least we can see who's talking in a Disney show, where they are, what they're doing, and all that. And there are those rare moments where the humor does come out naturally. Your humor was still rather forced at that part, but because it made no sense whatsoever, your humor went over my head. So fix that, please.



If Erika knows Ken's mom, why didn't she call him by his first name?

ME: coz

That's not an excuse. Go fix it, please.



That was badly worded at the end there. And how in the world can he switch hats with Ludicolo when Ludicolo doesn't have a hat?

ME: Yes he does.

Oh really? Then why didn't you show us that instead of randomly showing Ken switching hats with a Ludicolo who just let him do it instead of biting him for touching a part of its body?



Instead of spacing them out like that, why not split them apart with some mention of the PokéDex beeping or something?

ME: coz

THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Do NOT give me stupid responses like that, RetardRaichu. If you don't have a good excuse, just keep quiet about it, and go fix it so we wouldn't be egging you on with "stupid" questions like that.


I'm honest. I didn't want Buts to be left on an unknown note, but you're right

What do you mean by "'Buts' to be left on an unknown note"? Your note wouldn't be unknown at all. You have the choice to send me a VM or a PM about it, I would've looked at it either way.


Umm, I take that back then?..

No, don't take it back when I don't accept it. I told you I'll forgive you when you start taking things seriously and show improvement like I wanted. Your silly responses aren't working in your favor in the least, so you're going to have to work especially hard to improve and please me enough to forgive all of this.


Chapter 4 is coming soon. About Chapter 6 will be the beginning of Arc 1, which is the one that involves Shadow Pokémon. I thought it would be smarter to just have all of his stories in one thread. If it stays open, that is.

You're right it is for the best all the chapters are in one thread. Just do not edit them into the same first post anymore. Now if chapter six is the beginning of Arc 1, then what is this current arc, hmm? And if you want to start involving Shadow Pokémon, then you need to lead us up to that by dropping hints here and there so they don't show up out of nowhere.

Interrupt
26th April 2012, 9:38 PM
No comment on most of your post.

This arc is the prologue, which is why it's unmarked. It's what you need to know to understand the other arcs.

The Great Butler
27th April 2012, 5:18 AM
ME: No. It was good. Lemme ask you something. You ever watch Disney? That's the definition of forced humor. Not what I'm doing.

ME: coz



This is what you did last time that caused us to become angry with you. If you want us to take you more seriously, you must change this behavior.

Kutie Pie
27th April 2012, 6:30 AM
No comment on most of your post.

You're pushing it really far there, kid. This attitude of yours needs to change very quickly.


This arc is the prologue, which is why it's unmarked. It's what you need to know to understand the other arcs.

Then you better get working and put a lot of hours into this, because it's going to take a lot to convince me this prologue arc is actually going somewhere.

Interrupt
28th April 2012, 3:00 AM
Chapter 4
--------------------------
Mike. Now, why does that name ring a bell?

Ken's brain reached far back into his memory.

Mike!

"Mike! It's you! It's me! I haven't seen you for half of my life, hermano!"

Mike seemed rather confused.

"Who are you?"

Ken was a bit confused himself that Mike didn't recognize him.

"I'm the kid that looked like a wimp? I beat up the bully and he quit within three weeks?"

"Second.. Grade? You must be Timmy! Why're you calling yourself Ken?"

Ken was extremely dissapointed.

Timmy was the kid everyone remembered. He was amazingly strong, smart and nice. He also took credit for everything, while everyone framed Ken for everything. He was the godmodder, the Gary-Sue of Ken's life. If Ken got the chance, he would utterly destroy Timmy. Timmy made life miserable for Ken for six years before he simply vanished along with his family. "Good riddance," Ken would always say.

"No. The other Ken, remember?"

"Oh yeah.. I remember you. You're a cool kid." Mike shaked hands with Ken.

"What happened to you? How are you here at the gym?"

Mike seemed extremely solemn.

".. I'd rather not talk about it right now."

Ken thought that was very odd. Mike was usually so open!

"Uh, okay then. I gotta go fight Erika!"

"Good luck with that."
-------------------------

Ken advanced to the center of the gym. Wow, my first badge!

"Erika, I'm ready to battle."

"Okay then, Ken." Ken realized he interrupted Erika's meditation session.

"Did I just- I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry, Ken. The point of this art is interruption and coping with it." Erika stood up and withdrew her sole Pokéball. "Go, Venusaur! Well, you don't have to if
you don't want to.. just if you.. you know.. If you do, use Razor Leaf.. please.. I mean, if you feel like it.." Venusaur came out of it's Pokéball.

"Veeenu!" Venusaur's face showed determination and fierceness much opposite to its trainer.

"Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoo, Applebee's, come and show those posas some Wing Attack!"

"Pidgeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!" Applebee's leaped toward Venusaur and made an enormous draft with its wingpower. Venusaur was on it's toes, however, and used Razor Leaf.
The Razor Leaves were caught in the gust and did extra damage to Venusaur.

"I have an honest question, Erika."

"What is that?"

"Are you holding back?"

"Do you want me not to?" Erika blushed. For somebody attempting to get his first badge, he certainly knew his place.

"Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, don't hold back." Erika was wordless.

"Are.. are you sure?"

"Yes."

Erika closed her eyes. "Venusaur, use Solarbeam."

Venusaurs flower glowed brightly. "Veeeeeenuuuuuuuuuuuuuusauuuuuuuur!" An enormous flood of light engulfed Mr. Shockington (who was watching) and Applebee's.

"Pii-kaa, Pii-kaa! Pikapikapikapikapika!!!"

"Pidgeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Both Pokémon were found unconscious after the smoke cleared. Ken was the one wordless now.

"That attack.. it did.. massive damage.."

Erika stooped down to talk to the teenager. "It's okay.. nobody is strong enough to beat me the first time without fire-types."

Ken smiled. "Thanks, Erika. Guess I'm going home."
---------------------------
On the way home, it started hailing. In Celadon? Impossible!

An ear-shattering roar was heard.

"Wait! The hail.. the legend.. the roar.. It's not..?!"

Once again, the roar was heard.

"No! It eats humans!"

It landed on the department store and flapped its wings. The hail increased.

Its face was scarred from many battles and its eyes gave an intimidating glow of neutrality. Zekrom was another terror, but it knew where to draw the line. This
creature had no feelings, no soul, and could do anything it thought was benificial to its wellbeing. For the third time, Kyurem roared.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!! KYUREM IS HERE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! AHHHHH!!!" Ken practiced what he preached and noticed that Mike was right behind him.

--------------------------
Mike panted and seemed tired. Ken wondered if he could run any more.

"Here bro, you want some water?" Ken, thinking that the coast was more or less clear, stopped to extract a bottle of water from his backpack. When he was finished,
he saw Kyurem, in Mike's place. Kyurem's hungry, icy breath chilled Ken to the bone.

"OH GOD! HE ATE MIKE!!" Ken was scared out of his wits. It's the end of the world, and it starts right here in Celadon. Arceus save us!

Mike ran to the top of his apartment building and watched as Kyurem utterly destroyed the southwest end of town. After Ken caught his breath, he cried. He's not really
the kind of person to cry, but he was crying right now. Right after I find him again, gulp! Away he goes! He won't need water in there.

Many people came and went (down Kyurem's gullet) trying to stop Kyurem, including Lorelei, no matter how much people objected.

A small crevice in the sky opened up. From that spot of light came down a Mew. More accurately, The Mew. There were many remnants of the ancient species scattered
around the world, but this one was quite close to Arceus, even perhaps being his "butler" as some people insulted him as.

Mew, boredom in his eyes stood on top of the Game Corner building.

"Kyurem! Over here! Bad, bad dragon! You go right back to where you came from right now!"

Kyurem's terrifying roars turned into pathetic whimpering as he prepared to fly away.

"I almost forgot. Drop it! Drop it now!"

More hilarious whimpering. Kyurem opened his mouth and a Hyper Beam's worth of people fell out, most unconscious. Kyurem and Mew flew away, leaving no time for the
media to interrogate him, probably to his liking.

"Everything's.. okay.." Ken was trying to force a smile, but the shock of the predicament still troubled him.
----------------------------
Ken ran down to where the people were. The ones that never knew what Kyurem's insides looked like were picking up their friends and family. First, Ken looked for Mike.

"Mike! Mike! Mike!"

Mike was in the middle of the pile, but conscious.

"Mike! I'm so glad you're safe!" Ken shed a few more tears.

Mike was probably dizzy from the event. "Stomachs are weird.." He said doozily.

"I gotta take you home, bro!"

Ken noticed Lorelei.

"Oh my God! What if she dies?" Ken ran toward her and half CPR-ed half kissed her. In her sleep she mumbled something about Kyurem being even more icy than her.

When she woke up, she naturally punched Ken in the face.

"That's for kissing me." Then she gave him a big hug.

"And that's for saving me." Ken blushed.
----------------------------------------

Both people Ken picked up were taken to Ken's apartment, drinking chicken soup served and cooked by Ken's Pokémon as Belinda heard the tall tale.

"It was true! Kyurem really attacked town!" Belinda said this for about the fifth time. She was still astonished, as she thought all the songs were just ghost stories.
"I still remember the song. It said something about when times are bad, Kyurem will make them worse, and then.. let's see.. it said something about a shining warrior
emerging from the sky.. it's all true as far as I can remember."

Mike was an always-hungry person, but it was still surprising how fast he gulped down his chicken soup.

"Thanks a diaperload, bro. If you hadn't woken me up back there, I might've not ever gotten up."

"Same here, Ken. I'm very thankful, and you seemed quite skilled as a trainer."

"Pika pika?"

"Ooh! Apple cider! Yes please.

I was wondering if I could travel with you. I have to train my Pokémon. I'm becoming the weakest of the four, and being the first challenge is no excuse to stay
that way."

"Me too! I'd love going with you." Mike gulped down his third bowl of chicken soup.

It was still raining, and the power went out a few times. It became a stay-at-home day. You know, the kind by the fireplace drinking hot cocoa. Mr. Shockington
shared an old Pikachu folk song accompanied by the strumming of Mike's guitar.

It's the days like these that warm our hearts and bring us all together,
It's the days like these that make us cheery in warm or frigid weather.

The song lasted a good ten minutes with the same pattern. It wasn't a bother, however, because Shocking was quite handy at singing.

Hukynaga was pretending to have fun, but was more interested in meditating to try and evolve.

"Maybe tommorow I can go challenge Erika again.. and this time not be so stuck up about myself." Ken leaned back in his extremely comfortable chair.

The Moral of this Chapter: Never trust a scaredy dragon.
--------------------END OF CHAPTER 4--------------------

Pokemaniac24
28th April 2012, 3:32 AM
Chapter 4
--------------------------
Mike. Now, why does that name ring a bell?

Ken's brain reached far back into his memory.

Mike!

"Mike! It's you! It's me! I haven't seen you for half of my life, hermano!"

Mike seemed rather confused.

"Who are you?"

Ken was a bit confused himself that Mike didn't recognize him.

"I'm the kid that looked like a wimp? I beat up the bully and he quit within three weeks?"

"Second.. Grade? You must be Timmy! Why're you calling yourself Ken?"

Ken was extremely dissapointed.

Timmy was the kid everyone remembered. He was amazingly strong, smart and nice. He also took credit for everything, while everyone framed Ken for everything. He was the godmodder, the Gary-Sue of Ken's life. If Ken got the chance, he would utterly destroy Timmy. Timmy made life miserable for Ken for six years before he simply vanished along with his family. "Good riddance," Ken would always say.

"No. The other Ken, remember?"

"Oh yeah.. I remember you. You're a cool kid." Mike shaked hands with Ken.

"What happened to you? How are you here at the gym?"

Mike seemed extremely solemn.

".. I'd rather not talk about it right now."

Ken thought that was very odd. Mike was usually so open!

"Uh, okay then. I gotta go fight Erika!"

"Good luck with that."
-------------------------

Ken advanced to the center of the gym. Wow, my first badge!

"Erika, I'm ready to battle."

"Okay then, Ken." Ken realized he interrupted Erika's meditation session.

"Did I just- I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry, Ken. The point of this art is interruption and coping with it." Erika stood up and withdrew her sole Pokéball. "Go, Venusaur! Well, you don't have to if
you don't want to.. just if you.. you know.. If you do, use Razor Leaf.. please.. I mean, if you feel like it.." Venusaur came out of it's Pokéball.

"Veeenu!" Venusaur's face showed determination and fierceness much opposite to its trainer.

"Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoo, Applebee's, come and show those posas some Wing Attack!"

"Pidgeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!" Applebee's leaped toward Venusaur and made an enormous draft with its wingpower. Venusaur was on it's toes, however, and used Razor Leaf.
The Razor Leaves were caught in the gust and did extra damage to Venusaur.

"I have an honest question, Erika."

"What is that?"

"Are you holding back?"

"Do you want me not to?" Erika blushed. For somebody attempting to get his first badge, he certainly knew his place.

"Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, don't hold back." Erika was wordless.

"Are.. are you sure?"

"Yes."

Erika closed her eyes. "Venusaur, use Solarbeam."

Venusaurs flower glowed brightly. "Veeeeeenuuuuuuuuuuuuuusauuuuuuuur!" An enormous flood of light engulfed Mr. Shockington (who was watching) and Applebee's.

"Pii-kaa, Pii-kaa! Pikapikapikapikapika!!!"

"Pidgeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Both Pokémon were found unconscious after the smoke cleared. Ken was the one wordless now.

"That attack.. it did.. massive damage.."

Erika stooped down to talk to the teenager. "It's okay.. nobody is strong enough to beat me the first time without fire-types."

Ken smiled. "Thanks, Erika. Guess I'm going home."
---------------------------
On the way home, it started hailing. In Celadon? Impossible!

An ear-shattering roar was heard.

"Wait! The hail.. the legend.. the roar.. It's not..?!"

Once again, the roar was heard.

"No! It eats humans!"

It landed on the department store and flapped its wings. The hail increased.

Its face was scarred from many battles and its eyes gave an intimidating glow of neutrality. Zekrom was another terror, but it knew where to draw the line. This
creature had no feelings, no soul, and could do anything it thought was benificial to its wellbeing. For the third time, Kyurem roared.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!! KYUREM IS HERE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! AHHHHH!!!" Ken practiced what he preached and noticed that Mike was right behind him.

--------------------------
Mike panted and seemed tired. Ken wondered if he could run any more.

"Here bro, you want some water?" Ken, thinking that the coast was more or less clear, stopped to extract a bottle of water from his backpack. When he was finished,
he saw Kyurem, in Mike's place. Kyurem's hungry, icy breath chilled Ken to the bone.

"OH GOD! HE ATE MIKE!!" Ken was scared out of his wits. It's the end of the world, and it starts right here in Celadon. Arceus save us!

Mike ran to the top of his apartment building and watched as Kyurem utterly destroyed the southwest end of town. After Ken caught his breath, he cried. He's not really
the kind of person to cry, but he was crying right now. Right after I find him again, gulp! Away he goes! He won't need water in there.

Many people came and went (down Kyurem's gullet) trying to stop Kyurem, including Lorelei, no matter how much people objected.

A small crevice in the sky opened up. From that spot of light came down a Mew. More accurately, The Mew. There were many remnants of the ancient species scattered
around the world, but this one was quite close to Arceus, even perhaps being his "butler" as some people insulted him as.

Mew, boredom in his eyes stood on top of the Game Corner building.

"Kyurem! Over here! Bad, bad dragon! You go right back to where you came from right now!"

Kyurem's terrifying roars turned into pathetic whimpering as he prepared to fly away.

"I almost forgot. Drop it! Drop it now!"

More hilarious whimpering. Kyurem opened his mouth and a Hyper Beam's worth of people fell out, most unconscious. Kyurem and Mew flew away, leaving no time for the
media to interrogate him, probably to his liking.

"Everything's.. okay.." Ken was trying to force a smile, but the shock of the predicament still troubled him.
----------------------------
Ken ran down to where the people were. The ones that never knew what Kyurem's insides looked like were picking up their friends and family. First, Ken looked for Mike.

"Mike! Mike! Mike!"

Mike was in the middle of the pile, but conscious.

"Mike! I'm so glad you're safe!" Ken shed a few more tears.

Mike was probably dizzy from the event. "Stomachs are weird.." He said doozily.

"I gotta take you home, bro!"

Ken noticed Lorelei.

"Oh my God! What if she dies?" Ken ran toward her and half CPR-ed half kissed her. In her sleep she mumbled something about Kyurem being even more icy than her.

When she woke up, she naturally punched Ken in the face.

"That's for kissing me." Then she gave him a big hug.

"And that's for saving me." Ken blushed.
----------------------------------------

Both people Ken picked up were taken to Ken's apartment, drinking chicken soup served and cooked by Ken's Pokémon as Belinda heard the tall tale.

"It was true! Kyurem really attacked town!" Belinda said this for about the fifth time. She was still astonished, as she thought all the songs were just ghost stories.
"I still remember the song. It said something about when times are bad, Kyurem will make them worse, and then.. let's see.. it said something about a shining warrior
emerging from the sky.. it's all true as far as I can remember."

Mike was an always-hungry person, but it was still surprising how fast he gulped down his chicken soup.

"Thanks a diaperload, bro. If you hadn't woken me up back there, I might've not ever gotten up."

"Same here, Ken. I'm very thankful, and you seemed quite skilled as a trainer."

"Pika pika?"

"Ooh! Apple cider! Yes please.

I was wondering if I could travel with you. I have to train my Pokémon. I'm becoming the weakest of the four, and being the first challenge is no excuse to stay
that way."

"Me too! I'd love going with you." Mike gulped down his third bowl of chicken soup.

It was still raining, and the power went out a few times. It became a stay-at-home day. You know, the kind by the fireplace drinking hot cocoa. Mr. Shockington
shared an old Pikachu folk song accompanied by the strumming of Mike's guitar.

It's the days like these that warm our hearts and bring us all together,
It's the days like these that make us cheery in warm or frigid weather.

The song lasted a good ten minutes with the same pattern. It wasn't a bother, however, because Shocking was quite handy at singing.

Hukynaga was pretending to have fun, but was more interested in meditating to try and evolve.

"Maybe tommorow I can go challenge Erika again.. and this time not be so stuck up about myself." Ken leaned back in his extremely comfortable chair.

The Moral of this Chapter: Never trust a scaredy dragon.
--------------------END OF CHAPTER 4--------------------

It's scary dragon, not scaredy dragon and I don't think it's necessary at all to give us the moral of the chapter. Let the audience figure that out.

Kutie Pie
28th April 2012, 5:23 AM
Oh boy, here we go.

I didn't like the chapter, as you will soon discover.



Mike. Now, why does that name ring a bell?

Ken's brain reached far back into his memory.

Mike!

"Mike! It's you! It's me! I haven't seen you for half of my life, hermano!"

Mike seemed rather confused.

"Who are you?"

Ken was a bit confused himself that Mike didn't recognize him.

"I'm the kid that looked like a wimp? I beat up the bully and he quit within three weeks?"

"Second.. Grade? You must be Timmy! Why're you calling yourself Ken?"

Ken was extremely dissapointed.

Timmy was the kid everyone remembered. He was amazingly strong, smart and nice. He also took credit for everything, while everyone framed Ken for everything. He was the godmodder, the Gary-Sue of Ken's life. If Ken got the chance, he would utterly destroy Timmy. Timmy made life miserable for Ken for six years before he simply vanished along with his family. "Good riddance," Ken would always say.

"No. The other Ken, remember?"

"Oh yeah.. I remember you. You're a cool kid." Mike shaked hands with Ken.

Okayyyyyy, why did you address this so suddenly? Couldn't you have mentioned it last chapter when Mike was first introduced? Or at least have Ken question, “Gee, why does the name 'Mike' sound familiar?” This makes it look like you're writing at the seat of your pants, which I'm pretty sure you're doing that half of the time anyway.

It's the same with the mentioning of Ken's “real” name and what he was like. Why couldn't you hint at this earlier? It's almost like you're shoving the plot in our faces quickly after all this random...ness so we can forget it was going nowhere for a bit.

And do not mention the term “Gary-Sue” casually like that. In fact, avoid using the term altogether unless you're going for fourth wall jokes or similar, which at your writing level you shouldn't attempt right now.

Also, it's “disappointed”, and “shaked” needs to be “shook”.


"What happened to you? How are you here at the gym?"

Mike seemed extremely solemn.

".. I'd rather not talk about it right now."

Ken thought that was very odd. Mike was usually so open!

I wouldn't have a problem with this except for the last line. Ken pretty much forgot about Mike, so I really doubt he could remember that fact quickly.


"Uh, okay then. I gotta go fight Erika!"

"Good luck with that."
-------------------------

Ken advanced to the center of the gym. Wow, my first badge!

If Ken is still inside the gym, don't use transitions like that. Just lead us through the gym to the center.


"Erika, I'm ready to battle."

"Okay then, Ken." Ken realized he interrupted Erika's meditation session.

Wait, when did she return?


"Did I just- I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry, Ken. The point of this art is interruption and coping with it." Erika stood up and withdrew her sole Pokéball. "Go, Venusaur! Well, you don't have to if
you don't want to.. just if you.. you know.. If you do, use Razor Leaf.. please.. I mean, if you feel like it.." Venusaur came out of it's Pokéball.

"Veeenu!" Venusaur's face showed determination and fierceness much opposite to its trainer.

It's great you're trying to show Erika's character as a soft-spoken person, but that's really squished together, especially since they're battling, like, immediately after he says, “I'm ready to battle”.

Also, where's your description?


"Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoo, Applebee's, come and show those posas some Wing Attack!"

What the hell is with this o_O? Rephrase this, or at least get rid of all of those “yo”s. Especially the bolded word, I don't know what that word is, or if it even is part of a language. If you're making Ken bilingual, okay, fine, but that's distracting right there. Why not italicize the foreign words so we won't mistake it for a misspelled word.


"Pidgeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!" Applebee's leaped toward Venusaur and made an enormous draft with its wingpower. Venusaur was on it's toes, however, and used Razor Leaf.
The Razor Leaves were caught in the gust and did extra damage to Venusaur.

Ehhh, the description needs some fixing here. It's not too bad, but it can use a bit more.


"I have an honest question, Erika."

"What is that?"

"Are you holding back?"

"Do you want me not to?" Erika blushed. For somebody attempting to get his first badge, he certainly knew his place.

"Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, don't hold back." Erika was wordless.

"Are.. are you sure?"

"Yes."

...why'd you make it look like they were flirting? That was creepy. And even though this is third-person, it's not precisely third-person omnipresent, so Erika's thoughts there aren't exactly needed.


Erika closed her eyes. "Venusaur, use Solarbeam."

Venusaurs flower glowed brightly. "Veeeeeenuuuuuuuuuuuuuusauuuuuuuur!" An enormous flood of light engulfed Mr. Shockington (who was watching) and Applebee's.

"Pii-kaa, Pii-kaa! Pikapikapikapikapika!!!"

"Pidgeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Both Pokémon were found unconscious after the smoke cleared. Ken was the one wordless now.

"That attack.. it did.. massive damage.."

Erika stooped down to talk to the teenager. "It's okay.. nobody is strong enough to beat me the first time without fire-types."

Ken smiled. "Thanks, Erika. Guess I'm going home."

Mmm... could use more description, though I don't get why it is Venasaur's Solarbeam backfired like that. Something had to have happened there. And Ken has two more Pokémon, why did he just give up?


On the way home, it started hailing. In Celadon? Impossible!

An ear-shattering roar was heard.

"Wait! The hail.. the legend.. the roar.. It's not..?!"

...what.


Once again, the roar was heard.

"No! It eats humans!"

It landed on the department store and flapped its wings. The hail increased.

What?


Its face was scarred from many battles and its eyes gave an intimidating glow of neutrality. Zekrom was another terror, but it knew where to draw the line. This
creature had no feelings, no soul, and could do anything it thought was benificial to its wellbeing. For the third time, Kyurem roared.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!! KYUREM IS HERE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! AHHHHH!!!" Ken practiced what he preached and noticed that Mike was right behind him.

Okay, what?!

Why did Kyurem show up all of a sudden without any build up? And why in Kanto of all places? It makes no sense! There has to be a reason Kyurem would show up in Celadon. This just proved to me that it's going to be painfully obvious Ken is a Gary-Stu whether you want him to be or not. And why is its name bolded like that? You don't do that.

And he just noticed Mike's behind him?

And “benificial” is “beneficial”.


--------------------------
Mike panted and seemed tired. Ken wondered if he could run any more.

"Here bro, you want some water?" Ken, thinking that the coast was more or less clear, stopped to extract a bottle of water from his backpack. When he was finished,
he saw Kyurem, in Mike's place. Kyurem's hungry, icy breath chilled Ken to the bone.

Wait, what the hell? That transition mark there confused me, and even after realizing the scene didn't need a transition, the scene still confuses the hell out of me. Why is Ken being so cool when he was just freaking out over Kyurem showing up in the middle of nowhere, just to have Mike be eaten without a sound?

Makes. No. Freaking. Sense.


"OH GOD! HE ATE MIKE!!" Ken was scared out of his wits. It's the end of the world, and it starts right here in Celadon. Arceus save us!

Mike ran to the top of his apartment building and watched as Kyurem utterly destroyed the southwest end of town. After Ken caught his breath, he cried. He's not really
the kind of person to cry, but he was crying right now. Right after I find him again, gulp! Away he goes! He won't need water in there.

I think you got really confused here yourself. Ken's screaming at Kyurem's side about it eating Mike, only to suddenly cut to Mike running to the top of an apartment building to see Kyurem destroy part of the city. And THEN you cut to Ken catching his breath and crying. Make up your mind! Was Mike eaten, or not?!


Many people came and went (down Kyurem's gullet) trying to stop Kyurem, including Lorelei, no matter how much people objected.

That was bad wording there, please fix it. And why in the world is Lorelei in Celadon of all places?


A small crevice in the sky opened up. From that spot of light came down a Mew. More accurately, The Mew. There were many remnants of the ancient species scattered
around the world, but this one was quite close to Arceus, even perhaps being his "butler" as some people insulted him as.

Mew, boredom in his eyes stood on top of the Game Corner building.

"Kyurem! Over here! Bad, bad dragon! You go right back to where you came from right now!"

Kyurem's terrifying roars turned into pathetic whimpering as he prepared to fly away.

"I almost forgot. Drop it! Drop it now!"

More hilarious whimpering. Kyurem opened his mouth and a Hyper Beam's worth of people fell out, most unconscious. Kyurem and Mew flew away, leaving no time for the
media to interrogate him, probably to his liking.

"Everything's.. okay.." Ken was trying to force a smile, but the shock of the predicament still troubled him.

Well that was anti-climatic.

And stupid. I was half-expecting Kyurem to eat Mew, though Mew would've found a way to escape anyway.

You clearly showed us how to incorrectly use a deus ex machina (I'm calling it this until I'm corrected), which rarely ever works. Even if it was done correctly, this is no exception.

I would call this a “Big-Lipped Alligator Moment”, but as it is clearly mentioned later, it's inappropriate here, but honestly, it might as well be a BLAM moment, since it freakin' comes out of nowhere, and it's resolved just as such.


Ken ran down to where the people were. The ones that never knew what Kyurem's insides looked like were picking up their friends and family.

That's a tasteless sentence. Just say “the ones who weren't eaten”.


Ken noticed Lorelei.

"Oh my God! What if she dies?" Ken ran toward her and half CPR-ed half kissed her. In her sleep she mumbled something about Kyurem being even more icy than her.

When she woke up, she naturally punched Ken in the face.

"That's for kissing me." Then she gave him a big hug.

"And that's for saving me." Ken blushed.

http://i908.photobucket.com/albums/ac281/Misao_bucket/NostalgiaCritic_horrific.jpg

It reminds me of that scene from The Sandlot, but that was done more tastefully than this! EWWWW!


Both people Ken picked up were taken to Ken's apartment, drinking chicken soup served and cooked by Ken's Pokémon as Belinda heard the tall tale.

Um, how did all of those people fit in Ken's apartment? (And why are they never addressed to again?)


"I still remember the song. It said something about when times are bad, Kyurem will make them worse, and then.. let's see.. it said something about a shining warrior
emerging from the sky.. it's all true as far as I can remember."

Mike was an always-hungry person, but it was still surprising how fast he gulped down his chicken soup.

"Thanks a diaperload, bro. If you hadn't woken me up back there, I might've not ever gotten up."

"Same here, Ken. I'm very thankful, and you seemed quite skilled as a trainer."

Oh sure, ignore Belinda's mentioning of a legendary, perhaps plot-importance song about a warrior emerging from the sky to stop Kyurem, who really didn't make things as bad as, oh, I don't know, world-wide destruction.


I was wondering if I could travel with you. I have to train my Pokémon. I'm becoming the weakest of the four, and being the first challenge is no excuse to stay
that way."

"Me too! I'd love going with you." Mike gulped down his third bowl of chicken soup.

What exactly do you mean by Ken saying “I'm becoming the weakest of the four?” Unless that was Mr. Shockington's line?


It was still raining, and the power went out a few times. It became a stay-at-home day. You know, the kind by the fireplace drinking hot cocoa.

Don't start going into second-person point-of-view in the middle of a paragraph like that.


Mr. Shockington shared an old Pikachu folk song accompanied by the strumming of Mike's guitar.

Wait, Mike had a guitar on him this whole time?


It's the days like these that warm our hearts and bring us all together,
It's the days like these that make us cheery in warm or frigid weather.

The song lasted a good ten minutes with the same pattern. It wasn't a bother, however, because Shocking was quite handy at singing.

So it was pretty much a couplet on a loop that Mr. Shockington was singing? And what importance is the song that you had to put down the lyrics to it? It's pointless to include them if you ask me. It's not really a Pikachu folk song if you don't have more lyrics to accompany it, but even then, I don't want to know what the song it. I'll imagine a folk song, thank you very much.


"Maybe tommorow I can go challenge Erika again.. and this time not be so stuck up about myself." Ken leaned back in his extremely comfortable chair.

Who is he talking to?


The Moral of this Chapter: Never trust a scaredy dragon.

A-A-A-And all of the readers and myself were slapped across the face.

This is an awful chapter, RetardRaichu, I'm sorry, but it is. You're really trying, I know you are, but you don't throw things together on a whim like that to get a story flowing, because it rarely, rarely works. You cannot have Kyurem show up unexpectedly without foreshadowing his arrival, and there was nothing of the sort in previous chapters. I was expecting some more mentioning on the HM “Talk” in this chapter, but I saw nothing about it.

In fact, Mike should've asked that sane question about why Mr. Shockington can sing in human speech, and then maybe we would've gotten a little bit more information on it. But nope, we instead get an anti-climatic scene of Kyurem drestroying Celadon City, Mew ascending from the heavens to chastise and lead away the dragon, Lorelei shares a squicky moment with a minor, and everyone goes back to their normal happy lives despite half of the city lying in ruin.

I suggest fixing this chapter, and if you're still intent on keeping Kyurem's destruction, foreshadow something in a previous chapter or two. Or if it doesn't work, then it needs to be something completely different, or this mark of a deus ex machina, or at least a BLAM moment, will be extremely difficult to erase. I do not want to see this pulled off again.

The Great Butler
28th April 2012, 5:51 AM
Especially the bolded word, I don't know what that word is, or if it even is part of a language. If you're making Ken bilingual, okay, fine, but that's distracting right there. Why not italicize the foreign words so we won't mistake it for a misspelled word.


It's not a foreign word. He's using street-slang for "posers."

That's just one of several things about this chapter that is beginning to make me wonder if we're all having a fast one pulled on us.

bobandbill
28th April 2012, 6:19 AM
Going to close again because responding to valid points with 'coz' multiple times is not an improvement on your attitude. And then there's this:

One chapter per post.Only one chapter can be in a post, meaning no post should contain multiple. One post = one chapter. The prologue and first chapter should not be in the same post unless the prologue is really short and would stand better with the first chapter. If they can stand alone just fine you may be asked to separate them.

Next time stuff likes this happens in this section or elsewhere (e.g. VMs), I or another mod will just assume you're trolling and that'll be the infraction you'll get. This sort of stuff is not on.