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Pokemaniac24
28th April 2012, 7:53 PM
Prologue

A mysterious man looks out the window. His name was Giovanni. He is a tall man who must have been about 50. He has dark hair and was wearing a large orange coat and orange pants. A wine glass half full rests in his hands. In deep thought, the man notices the sun moving behind the clouds. The man takes another drink out of his wine glass and sits on his bed as anger rushes through his veins. Unintentionally in his anger, the man crushes the glass in his hand as his hand is covered in wine.

"There's not much time." Giovanni said. He looked around his room. The room was majestic. He had all the toys and gadgets one could ask for, but it was never enough for him. He always wanted something more. He wants complete control of the world. The world that did him wrong so many years ago. Giovanni wasn't always like this. He used to be an innocent young man who worked side by side with Pokemon to make a difference in this struggling nation, but no one ever took his ideas. People have told him his ideas would be harmful. He was told he was making a big mistake. Giovanni looked at the sky and thought back as far as he could. The memories that brought him great joy and the memories that brought him great pain.

A tall woman of her twenties was sitting next to a seven year old Giovanni on his bed. She had long dark hair. In her hand, she was holding a lengthy book. She opened it and read the first page. His mother's voice had always calmed Giovanni as a kid.

"One day, the people of the Kanto region lived happily as one. People and Pokemon lived side by side, helping the Pokemon world thrive. But then great terror and shock came across the people of Kanto" Read his mother. The picture book she was reading had a picture of small blue turtle Pokemon called a Squirtle. Giovanni's face lit up with happiness as he saw his favorite Pokemon on the page. His mother turned the page and Giovanni saw something he was quite used to seeing on an every day basis. The Squirtle was evolving.

"But, mother, why is this such a huge surprise to people. Isn't evolution a natural process that every Pokemon had to have gone through. I don't understand why this caused great terror on Kanto?" said the confused young Giovanni.

"This was back in ancient times, son. Tbe people of Kanto had no clue of this process. This was the first time they had ever seen a Pokemon evolve" said his mother turning to the next page. "People didn't know how to control Pokemon when they evolved. This was their first time dealing with this." said his mother. Giovanni looked at the picture on the next page which showed a giant dragon-like Pokemon known as Charizard setting a town in Kanto in flames.

"Mother, what's happening?! Asked a worried Giovanni.


"The newly evolved Pokemon were destroying the city. Unable to control these newly evolved Pokemon, the people of Kanto fled. Many to the Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova regions. They were trying to think of a counterattack and then suddenly. A Dragonite appeared!" said his mother whose voice suddenly turned into one of excitement.

"A Dragonite!" said Giovanni as a huge smile appeared on his face. He saw the picture in the book. A huge powerful Dragon Pokemon appeared and charged straight for the Charizard. Using its hyper beam attack, the Charizard was finally taken down. Giovanni noticed a small figure on the back of the Dragonite. "Mom, who's that?" asked Giovanni pointing to a small man on the Dragonite.

The mother grinned. "Son, that is your ancestor from milleniums ago. Using the Dragonite, he was able to clam the evolved Pokemon and then take control of all of them" said the mother.

"But how!?" said an amazed Giovanni. The mother closed the book and tucked Giovanni under the blankets.

"Good night" she said smiling at him and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Ohhhhhh" said a disappointed Giovanni.

"We'll continue this tomorrow" said the mother.

Giovanni's mother never kept her promise. Days, months and years went by but still nothing. Giovanni, however, was still told many Pokemon legends and stories and his interest in these creatures were growing. Finally, Giovanni turned 10 years old. He knew that it was the day he can finally become a Pokemon trainer and start his journey. He knew exactly what Pokemon he wanted.

"A Squirtle!" Giovanni exclaimed to his mother going into the kitchen while his mom was making him pancakes for his birthday.

"Giovanni, mommy is really busy today. She can't help you" said his mother as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Mom, what happened?" asked a worried Giovanni going up to his mother.

"Your father.... I don't know where he went. He's not answering any of my calls. I called Officer Jenny and she found out that he was one his way home from Viridian Forest where supposedly a wild Beedrill killed him" said his mother as more tears kept flowing down her cheeks.

"Mother.... I" began Giovanni as he began to cry.

"These Pokemon are wild animals! I never want to see you as a Pokemon trainer. They cause too much harm to our region! said his mom.

"Mother, they are not all like this!" said Giovanni. Giovanni didn't realize it but he just like his mother was in the beginning process of hating Pokemon.

Years went by and Giovanni's mother became more and more distant from Giovanni. Coming from a rich family, she hired thieves to do her dirty work. She wanted to capture Pokemon and put them under her control. She eventually became known as the leader of Team Rocket. A secret group of Pokemon criminals and scinetists looking to capture as many Pokemon as possible.

Giovanni became an athlete. On several occasions, he led his team to victory. He also was the leader of many clubs in his school. And Giovanni began to understand Pokemon a lot more. His hatred for the Beedrill that killed his father was slowly decreasing. He was working on a way to help people to understand Pokemon and how they think.


At the age of 25, Giovanni sat by his dying mother who was laying on the hospital bed. His mother, who was still Team Rocket's leader, was at the age of 59. She had found out only a few years ago that she had Breast cancer. She knew what Giovanni had to do. But Giovanni was against the idea. He never wanted to take charge of Team Rocket even though he knew he was a natural leader and the necessary requirements of taking over. Since the age of 10, he always wanted to become the world's top Pokemon trainer but his mother would never allow him to.

"Pokemon are nothing more than tools used to build our empire" his mom would always tell him.


Giovanni loved his mom. Although he hated the fact that anyone could be so harsh towards Pokemon, he respected his mother because she had power. She had authority and people listened to her. Giovanni never saw anything like it. She was able to command an army of Team Rocket members with the snap of her finger.

Sitting next to her hospital bed, Giovanni felt his mother's cold hand inside his own.

"You know what you must do, son" said his mother. "Do it for me as a mother's final wish. Giovanni shook his head which caused his mother great pain and disgust. "The Team Rocket name must live on! If you don't take charge of Team Rocket, who will?! Create the empire that my family wanted to build centuries ago!"

"But, mother, Pokemon aren't toys. We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the Pokemon who helped us out through the tough times. They were always there for us. And the thought of treating Pokemon and humans as slaves!? It's just not right. Finally without you here, this region can live in peace. Mother, I have great sorrow for you leaving this world. But now I can turn Team Rocket into the organization it was supposed to be and the Kanto region shall thrive" said Giovanni proudly and with great determination in his voice. Giovanni's mother coughed and Giovanni went to hug her.

"Get away from me! I don't ever want to see you again! I gave you everything a mother could give you and this is how you repay me!? You singlehandedly destroyed the Team Rocket name! Get out of my life!" Yelled his mother with great rage in her voice.

"But, mother" said Giovanni with great shock on his face. "Mother, I am gonna turn Team Rocket into heroes. What's so wrong with that. People will come to respect our family once I show them the true meaning of Team Rocket" said Giovanni.

His mother laughed. "The true meaning of Team Rocket? You would never know what that is. You shall never know what that is"

"Mother, I do know. You always told me the legends. The legend of the Dragon Pokemon. Before I went to sleep every night. I know that legend" said Giovanni with great joy remembering the story of the Dragonite.

His mother smiled. "So you do know, Giovanni. You know that part of the plan of Team Rocket is to create a Pokemon army....."

"No more of this, mother!" shouted Giovanni hugging his mom as tears went down his cheeks.


His mother died later that day at the age of 59. For Giovanni, it was bittersweet. He was greatly saddened to see his mother go. But finally, Kanto was free of Team Rocket or atleast the Team Rocket that people used to know. Giovanni told people about the legend of the Dragonite and how he wanted to find this Dragonite. He knew his ancestors were able to control Pokemon somehow from his mother's story but he didn't know how. How was his ancestor able to control the Dragonite and other Pokemon. People laughed at his ideas saying that the story was nothing more than a legend and he was called a lunatic by many. This upset Giovanni. He wanted to prove people wrong. He wanted to prove that it was more than just a legend.


About 25 years later, Giovanni was still in his room. Now, the leader of Team Rocket. He had a hige grin on his face.

"Soon Team Rocket will rule the world and the legend of the Dragon will be known to all people of the Pokemon world! He exclaimed.

Pokemaniac24
28th April 2012, 7:58 PM
I really hope you all like the prologue and I apologize if it was too long of a prologue. I just wanted to really let you know Giovanni's backstory. I have a lot of great ideas for this story that you will soon see. So I really hope you all like the prologue and will stick around to see some more. This is also the first Pokemon fanfic I have ever done and the first story I ever posted on the fanfic section so please don't go too hard on me. Maybe you can tell me ideas to improve the story and I will take those ideas to help me grow as a writer. But if you are just gonna come here and write, "that was bad, please don't write anymore. Giovanni would never do that" I would rather you not post. Becuase first of all, this is a fanfic so I can make Giovanni's story whatever I want. And like I said, if you're just gonna tell me I'm a bad writer and I shouldn't write, don't post. I will only take constructive criticism. Hope you all like it so far. Let me know what you think! :)

Princess Raspberyl
28th April 2012, 8:37 PM
I noticed a few spelling errors, but that's the only complaint I really have about this dood. Hard to imagine the leader of Team Rocket having a mother like that =P Sounds interesting, and quite different from what i've read from Pokemon fanfics. Quite a unique idea you came up with dood. But i'm also expecting awesome female characters, so ya better not disappoint me with no awesome ones dood! =P (Just joking dood =P.) Interesting concept, can't wait to see how it's gonna go. ^_^ I'm also curious as to what other characters'll pop up. The joking about awesome females aside, i'm guessing Team Rocket shall be the focus of this story? =P

Kutie Pie
28th April 2012, 9:27 PM
It's here like you said. *cracks knuckles*

Let's do this.


A mysterious man looks out the window. His name was Giovanni. He is a tall man who must have been about 50. He has dark hair and was wearing a large orange coat and orange pants. A wine glass half full rests in his hands. In deep thought, the man notices the sun moving behind the clouds. The man takes another drink out of his wine glass and sits on his bed as anger rushes through his veins. Unintentionally in his anger, the man crushes the glass in his hand as his hand is covered in wine.

Even though it's not exactly beige prose, it feels that way to me. It's rather plain. It could be because there's not enough description, or there is more than needed. It doesn't help that you split into numerous sentences telling us who he is, and what this man looks like when it's really not needed. And you switch tenses quite a bit here. If it takes place in the present, use present-tense. If it's in the past, then stick with past-tense. Otherwise, it looks choppy.

Here's a more correct way to write the first paragraph:


The mysterious, middle-aged man thoughtfully looks out his bedroom window, nursing a wine glass in his hands. Giovanni shifts on his bed as watches the sun move behind the clouds. He takes a quick drink, seething on his angry thoughts. Unintentionally, he crushes the glass, the liquid splashing on his orange suit, though he hardly notices.

It looks a bit better, though (and this is a more personal preference) it feels like some details are also missing. Perhaps the atmosphere of his surroundings, or maybe the depths of his emotions are needed. It's the simple things like this, you have to keep in mind when introducing the character to us.

So with that in mind, let's continue.

Oh, yeah, you forgot a rating for the story. You're going to need that.


"There's not much time." Giovanni said.

The period needs to be a comma. And “said” shouldn't be used. Why not “muttered”, “growled”, or add an adverb like “huskily said”. “Said”, while not entirely incorrect, gets repetitive very quickly.


He looked around his room. The room was majestic. He had all the toys and gadgets one could ask for, but it was never enough for him. He always wanted something more. He wants complete control of the world. The world that did him wrong so many years ago. Giovanni wasn't always like this. He used to be an innocent young man who worked side by side with Pokemon to make a difference in this struggling nation, but no one ever took his ideas. People have told him his ideas would be harmful. He was told he was making a big mistake. Giovanni looked at the sky and thought back as far as he could. The memories that brought him great joy and the memories that brought him great pain.

Here's more choppy, awkward writing. You keep switching between past and present tenses (again, please choose a tense and stick with it), and you try too hard to describe his surroundings, and his backstory. In fact, why not separate into a paragraph right at “Giovanni wasn't”, since it's a different thought—in a way. As for the extra details that aren't to be needed (they are there), either edit them out, or rewrite it differently so it can flow nicer.


A tall woman of her twenties was sitting next to a seven year old Giovanni on his bed. She had long dark hair. In her hand, she was holding a lengthy book. She opened it and read the first page. His mother's voice had always calmed Giovanni as a kid.

Remember my example of the first paragraph? You're having the same issues here that should be corrected. A rephrasing of some words, sentences, or deletion of some details altogether can make this look better. In fact, “She had long dark hair” shouldn't be in its own separate sentence. It can be combined in the first sentence after “tall woman in her twenties”. Same with “she opened it” combining with “in her hand, she was holding”.

The grammar'll look better that way.


"One day, the people of the Kanto region lived happily as one. People and Pokemon lived side by side, helping the Pokemon world thrive. But then great terror and shock came across the people of Kanto" Read his mother. The picture book she was reading had a picture of small blue turtle Pokemon called a Squirtle. Giovanni's face lit up with happiness as he saw his favorite Pokemon on the page. His mother turned the page and Giovanni saw something he was quite used to seeing on an every day basis. The Squirtle was evolving.

I didn't have a lot of issues here like I do later as she continues reading, but you're being a bit repetitive here. We know it's a picture book, so why not mention that the picture of the Squirtle be an illustration instead?


"But, mother, why is this such a huge surprise to people. Isn't evolution a natural process that every Pokemon had to have gone through. I don't understand why this caused great terror on Kanto?" said the confused young Giovanni.

He's asking questions, thus every sentence, except for the last spoken sentence, needs to end in a question mark. And it should be “asked”, not “said”. And perhaps you should move this to the end of the first sentence.


Tbe people of Kanto had no clue of this process.

How did you miss this? You are using a Word document, right? If so, it should've been underlined in red. Are you also proof-reading?

Now this slip-up does make more sense than most slip-ups I've seen, since “b” and “h” are adjacent from each other, but still, it should've still been a bit obvious.


This was the first time they had ever seen a Pokemon evolve" said his mother turning to the next page.

A comma's missing, and “said” should be “explained” or something similar.


"People didn't know how to control Pokemon when they evolved. This was their first time dealing with this." said his mother. Giovanni looked at the picture on the next page which showed a giant dragon-like Pokemon known as Charizard setting a town in Kanto in flames.

With exception of “said his mother” needing to be changed, it looks fine here.


"Mother, what's happening?! Asked a worried Giovanni.

Forgot to close the quote, and since it's a form of exclamation, instead of “asked”, why not the aforementioned “exclaimed”, or something similar? Maybe “a worried Giovanni squeaked” works fine as well.

(Heh... Giovanni squeaked.)


"The newly evolved Pokemon were destroying the city. Unable to control these newly evolved Pokemon, the people of Kanto fled. Many to the Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova regions. They were trying to think of a counterattack and then suddenly. A Dragonite appeared!" said his mother whose voice suddenly turned into one of excitement.

Why not mention at the beginning his mother continued to read, and then point out at the end her tone of voice changed to excitement? It'd make it less confusing on the reader. I actually thought she ignored his question.


"A Dragonite!" said Giovanni as a huge smile appeared on his face.

*impales “said” with a spork* I think you're going to need a thesaurus. In fact, you should've already befriended Thesaurus by now, since you, him and Dictionary are going to be the best of buds for your entire writing career.


He saw the picture in the book. A huge powerful Dragon Pokemon appeared and charged straight for the Charizard. Using its hyper beam attack, the Charizard was finally taken down. Giovanni noticed a small figure on the back of the Dragonite. "Mom, who's that?" asked Giovanni pointing to a small man on the Dragonite.

This paragraph is fine, though maybe the sentences description the illustrations can be rewritten a little bit.


The mother grinned. "Son, that is your ancestor from milleniums ago. Using the Dragonite, he was able to clam the evolved Pokemon and then take control of all of them" said the mother.

“Milleniums” isn't a word (you're missing another “n” for one thing). And even then, it should be “millennia”, and there should be some number before it, though she may not include the number if you wish.


"But how!?" said an amazed Giovanni. The mother closed the book and tucked Giovanni under the blankets.

"Good night" she said smiling at him and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Ohhhhhh" said a disappointed Giovanni.

*rapidly sporks “said”*

Also, I know Giovanni's mother didn't really show a lot of care for her son, but her actions are a bit... out of the blue? Why not add a bit more emotion to it, or something so it doesn't look like a rude action?


Giovanni's mother never kept her promise. Days, months and years went by but still nothing. Giovanni, however, was still told many Pokemon legends and stories and his interest in these creatures were growing. Finally, Giovanni turned 10 years old. He knew that it was the day he can finally become a Pokemon trainer and start his journey. He knew exactly what Pokemon he wanted.

I wouldn't have minded this so much, but I feel like you're missing something here. In fact, more can be added to it, but “finally, Giovanni turned 10 years old” should be the beginning of its own paragraph, in my opinion anyway.

Also, when dealing with numbers, anything “10” and below needs to be written out, though a number that's too long to write out should be in numerical form. So, anything below “100” should be written out, honestly.


"A Squirtle!" Giovanni exclaimed to his mother going into the kitchen while his mom was making him pancakes for his birthday.

“A Squirtle” is not a complete sentence, Giovanni. “I want a Squirtle” is a complete sentence.


"Giovanni, mommy is really busy today. She can't help you" said his mother as tears rolled down her cheeks.

*eats “said”* Okay, “murmured” or “whispered”, fight it out.

Also, I think “mommy” should be capitalized.


"Your father.... I don't know where he went. He's not answering any of my calls. I called Officer Jenny and she found out that he was one his way home from Viridian Forest where supposedly a wild Beedrill killed him" said his mother as more tears kept flowing down her cheeks.

Um... if she didn't know where he went, then why did she mention two sentences later that Jenny told her where he was, and that he was on his way home? That's an awkward, awkward explanation.


"Mother.... I" began Giovanni as he began to cry.

One of the “began”s needs to be changed to “started”, your choice.


"These Pokemon are wild animals! I never want to see you as a Pokemon trainer. They cause too much harm to our region! said his mom.

Forgot to close the quotation and *jumbled angrish over “said”*


"Mother, they are not all like this!" said Giovanni. Giovanni didn't realize it but he just like his mother was in the beginning process of hating Pokemon.

That sentence was awkwardly placed, and really shouldn't be there. It shouldn't be mentioned blatantly like that anyway.


Years went by and Giovanni's mother became more and more distant from Giovanni. Coming from a rich family, she hired thieves to do her dirty work. She wanted to capture Pokemon and put them under her control. She eventually became known as the leader of Team Rocket. A secret group of Pokemon criminals and scinetists looking to capture as many Pokemon as possible.

With exception of “scinetists”, it's not bad-looking. It's not too vague, but not too descriptive either, though the sentence structures can be fixed here-and-there.


Giovanni became an athlete. On several occasions, he led his team to victory. He also was the leader of many clubs in his school. And Giovanni began to understand Pokemon a lot more. His hatred for the Beedrill that killed his father was slowly decreasing. He was working on a way to help people to understand Pokemon and how they think.

Another awkwardly placed detail. I don't mind the extra detail, but it should go into depth a bit, such as when he became an athlete, in what did he lead his team to victory, if his mother ever came to these events, et cetera.


At the age of 25, Giovanni sat by his dying mother who was laying on the hospital bed. His mother, who was still Team Rocket's leader, was at the age of 59.

Okay, not bad.


She had found out only a few years ago that she had Breast cancer.

I don't know if types of cancer are capitalized, but it's a bit jarring to have that capitalized.


She knew what Giovanni had to do. But Giovanni was against the idea.

These two sentences should be added on to, or combined.

Just like what you did here:


He never wanted to take charge of Team Rocket even though he knew he was a natural leader and the necessary requirements of taking over.

It's sentence structures like that that make many-a-teacher happy. Though she would mark you down for not placing commas in the sentence.


"Pokemon are nothing more than tools used to build our empire" his mom would always tell him.

Place the comma at the end of the quote, and it will be fine.


Giovanni loved his mom.

Quoted for truth. d(^_^)b I take it you know of the CD Drama, then.


Although he hated the fact that anyone could be so harsh towards Pokemon, he respected his mother because she had power. She had authority and people listened to her. Giovanni never saw anything like it. She was able to command an army of Team Rocket members with the snap of her finger.

I think “finger” should be plural, but otherwise, this is a nice-looking paragraph. I don't know if you proof-read the chapter or not, but you should do it more often so you can duplicate paragraph and sentence structures to look like this. You may slip here and there, but you have your moments where you get it right.


Sitting next to her hospital bed, Giovanni felt his mother's cold hand inside his own.

The last part should be rewritten. You can just say he clasped his mother's cold hand.


"You know what you must do, son" said his mother. "Do it for me as a mother's final wish. Giovanni shook his head which caused his mother great pain and disgust. "The Team Rocket name must live on! If you don't take charge of Team Rocket, who will?! Create the empire that my family wanted to build centuries ago!"

Forgot a comma, and to close the quote.

And “said” needs to be something else.


"But, mother, Pokemon aren't toys. We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the Pokemon who helped us out through the tough times. They were always there for us. And the thought of treating Pokemon and humans as slaves!? It's just not right. Finally without you here, this region can live in peace. Mother, I have great sorrow for you leaving this world. But now I can turn Team Rocket into the organization it was supposed to be and the Kanto region shall thrive" said Giovanni proudly and with great determination in his voice. Giovanni's mother coughed and Giovanni went to hug her.

You should have “Giovanni proudly talking to this mother” (yes, I rephrased it) after “Pokémon aren't toys” so it looks better.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention this. Mentioning names over and over isn't technically wrong, but pronouns exist for a reason. I personally refrain from using a name more than twice in a paragraph or two, since the looks of a person's name being mentioned multiple times at once make me squirm, but it's a personal preference. Just throwing it out there.


"Get away from me! I don't ever want to see you again! I gave you everything a mother could give you and this is how you repay me!? You singlehandedly destroyed the Team Rocket name! Get out of my life!" Yelled his mother with great rage in her voice.

“Yelled his mother” should've been after the first or second sentence.


"But, mother" said Giovanni with great shock on his face. "Mother, I am gonna turn Team Rocket into heroes. What's so wrong with that. People will come to respect our family once I show them the true meaning of Team Rocket" said Giovanni.

Department of Redundancy Department, at your service. (The last “said Giovanni” needs to be removed.)


His mother laughed. "The true meaning of Team Rocket? You would never know what that is. You shall never know what that is"

Forgot the period at the end.


"Mother, I do know. You always told me the legends. The legend of the Dragon Pokemon. Before I went to sleep every night. I know that legend" said Giovanni with great joy remembering the story of the Dragonite.

Giovanni must've been out of breath there.


His mother died later that day at the age of 59.

We know she's 59, you didn't have to remind us.


Giovanni told people about the legend of the Dragonite and how he wanted to find this Dragonite. He knew his ancestors were able to control Pokemon somehow from his mother's story but he didn't know how. How was his ancestor able to control the Dragonite and other Pokemon.

“I don't know how, but I want to know how! How it works!”

This paragraph is in need of being rewritten, since redundancy isn't needed.


People laughed at his ideas saying that the story was nothing more than a legend and he was called a lunatic by many. This upset Giovanni. He wanted to prove people wrong. He wanted to prove that it was more than just a legend.

I find it odd how Giovanni would announce his plans to people. I figured he would've plotted in secret, and thus wouldn't be seen as a madman. Especially since he's a brilliant and successful businessman, so people would've known his name. Unless he made his success out of town where he wasn't known as a lunatic.


About 25 years later, Giovanni was still in his room. Now, the leader of Team Rocket. He had a hige grin on his face.

We knew this from the very beginning. You could've ended the prologue without this and the following sentence, and we wouldn't have questioned it any differently.

Also, “hige” isn't a word :P.

Well, it's not too bad for your first story, I'll give you that. You may have introduced us to the set-up of what will be the story, but more could've been added to it. Like perhaps, you could've shown us how he became so successful despite being laughed at, and how he is a different leader from his mother. Heck, you can show us how his actions as a mob boss should be justified despite all the horrendous things Team Rocket has done under his watch. This is all just to bring humans and Pokémon together, but it's for selfish purposes, which is hinted at throughout the prologue. Does anyone else know about it, or what? It's the little things like this that need to be examined, because these questions may hold the answers to the story later on. Just something to dwell on.

Oh yeah, your second post should've just remained at the end of the first post so it doesn't look like double posting. And there is no need to apologize for the length of a prologue (unless it was really short, and there was no first chapter), the prologue did its job.


But if you are just gonna come here and write, "that was bad, please don't write anymore. Giovanni would never do that" I would rather you not post. Becuase first of all, this is a fanfic so I can make Giovanni's story whatever I want. And like I said, if you're just gonna tell me I'm a bad writer and I shouldn't write, don't post. I will only take constructive criticism. Hope you all like it so far. Let me know what you think! :)

Mmm, with that remark, you're asking for trouble, actually. You're going to get those people who tell you that, but that's what the report button is for. And technically, you are right in saying you can make Giovanni's story however you want, but people are going to notice if you make him out-of-character, and you can come up with the greatest story idea for Giovanni ever, but if you butcher his character (without good reason), then you'll be in trouble.

Just saying.

With that, I wish you good luck. I'll keep an eye on your story like you want, though it's also because I would like to see where you take this.

Skiyomi
28th April 2012, 10:06 PM
Well, here's the review you asked me for. I'll try to get down all my impressions of the prologue.


A mysterious man looks out the window. His name was Giovanni. He is a tall man who must have been about 50.

First off, what's the point of the "mysterious" business if you're going to tell us in the next sentence that the man is Giovanni? If you want him to be mysterious then his name should've been withheld for longer and kept as a surprise. If you're not intending to surprise us with the fact that it's Giovanni then there doesn't seem to be any reason to be ambiguous about who he is.

Also, there seems to be a lot of tense inconsistencies in this piece. I'm sure you could argue that part of it is because you're dealing with flashbacks through most of the story, but honestly the tense problems begin within these first three sentences, well before the flashbacks start. You've got present tense verbs like "looks" and "is" but then you throw in a past tense "was." You need to keep your tenses consistent.


He has dark hair and was wearing a large orange coat and orange pants.

I know a lot of fanfiction writers like to throw in basic descriptions like this, but I honestly have never gotten the point. We know what Giovanni looks like, so describing him only acts as a space filler--unless the description a. is important to the plot, b. sets the mood of the piece or c. informs us about what kind of person he is. I don't think this description does those things.

I've also noticed that you have a lot of static "to be" verbs in this piece such as "was" and "is" and "has" and "had" (that's not the full list, but you get the idea) which creates choppy sentences like "The room was majestic." and "She had long dark hair." There's no kind of movement in such sentences. In stories, whenever possible, you should do your best to have sentences with concrete verbs that give a sense of movement instead of words like "was" which make the prose stagnant and don't encourage a sensory experience.


He always wanted something more. He wants complete control of the world. The world that did him wrong so many years ago. Giovanni wasn't always like this. He used to be an innocent young man who worked side by side with Pokemon to make a difference in this struggling nation, but no one ever took his ideas. People have told him his ideas would be harmful. He was told he was making a big mistake. Giovanni looked at the sky and thought back as far as he could. The memories that brought him great joy and the memories that brought him great pain.

The old writer's standby is show, don't tell. This paragraph does a lot of telling. Since you're going to flashback anyway, it's much more affecting if you let us see what happened to him and how he changed instead of telling us, the readers I mean, upfront what to think about him.


A tall woman of her twenties

I think "in her twenties" sounds better.


A tall woman of her twenties was sitting next to a seven year old Giovanni on his bed. She had long dark hair. In her hand, she was holding a lengthy book. She opened it and read the first page. His mother's voice had always calmed Giovanni as a kid.

I know you sort of introduce the fact that he’s reminiscing in the last paragraph, but I think it would be better if you made it clearer to your readers that you were going to flashback. After all, we could be told that someone is remembering something without a flashback actually happen. Since he is flashing back, you could make this much clearer by beginning the paragraph with "Giovanni remembered," and then continue with what you have.

Oh, and while I'm at it, dialogue and dialogue tags throughout this fic aren't correct in terms of punctuation and capitalization. I'll quote a few with corrections to give you an idea, but I'm not going to go through the whole fic and point out every time it's off:


"There's not much time." Giovanni said.

Correction: "There's not much time," Giovanni said.


"One day, the people of the Kanto region lived happily as one. People and Pokemon lived side by side, helping the Pokemon world thrive. But then great terror and shock came across the people of Kanto" Read his mother.

Correction: "One day, the people of the Kanto region lived happily as one. People and Pokemon lived side by side, helping the Pokemon world thrive. But then great terror and shock came across the people of Kanto," read his mother.


"Mother, what's happening?! Asked a worried Giovanni.

Correction: “Mother, what’s happening?!” asked a worried Giovanni


They were trying to think of a counterattack and then suddenly. A Dragonite appeared!"

These should not be two different sentences. Either the period should be deleted and the A put in lowercase, or the period should be replaced with a dash and the A put in lowercase.


"Son, that is your ancestor from milleniums ago.

It’s spelled millennium, and though millenniums is an acceptable plural for millennium, the more proper plural is millennia (since it’s a neuter Latin word)

I find the idea of the first Pokemon evolutions causing chaos to be somewhat interesting. In the era before Pokeballs I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense.

My commentary for the death of Giovanni's father and mother comes out to something more or less the same, but in the highest degree for his father. The fact of the matter is, their deaths happen way too abruptly for me to buy them or to care much when they happen. Particuarly with Giovanni's father since we don't even see him. I would've liked to see a greater degree of set-up for this--perhaps a scene with Giovanni's father that mentions his trek through the forest or some kind of mention of dangerous Beedrill attacks happening there. Without that, the deaths come across as out of nowhere. And as a reader and writer, I don't think they were killed by Beedrill attacks or cancer... they were killed by plot convenience.

As for what happens from this point on in the prologue... it's a lot of summary, and summary just isn't as affecting to a reader as being in the moment. I think you have some good ideas here, but you need to give them time and space to develop so the reader can appreciate the process of what's happening and the nuance of emotion, instead of being given a spark notes version of the events.

Added to that, I think this could've used some proof-reading. I didn't point them all out, but there are a lot of spelling and typographical errors here. Part of this is a matter of rules of grammar and punctuation that need to be learned (and you can find grammar and punctuation guides all over the internet) and I think the other part is taking the time to make sure these mistakes don't get through. We all make typos, but it's best to catch them before your readers do.

All in all, I think you've got some interesting ideas for a first fic, but you need to slow down and give them time to breathe. I know you said that the main action of this fic involves a different character, so I can see why you wouldn't want to spend too much time on Giovanni. But the fact that the action here seems so condensed takes away the emotional impact and sells the character you're trying to explain short. Take your time with these concepts--let them unfold instead of pitching them to us.

At least, that's the advice I'd offer. Take it or leave it. And good luck as you continue to write!

chosen_one386
1st May 2012, 9:10 PM
Well, I must say you have a very interesting concept here. I'm interested in seeing if you'll dive further into Giovanni's backstory in the main plotline (to fill in this gap between his mother's death and the present).

As far as how your prologue was presented, I think it may have been best to keep Giovanni's identity shrouded in secrecy up until the end. Keep the readers guessing as to which Pokemon characer you're speaking of, so to say. Since Giovanni is so well known, out-right introducing him in the first paragraph didn't really work, at least in my mind.

Anyway, a good job on your prologue and I can't wait to read more! :)

The Great Butler
8th May 2012, 9:28 AM
Sorry it took me so long to get to this, but after such a delay, here's my review you requested.


Prologue

A mysterious man looks out the window. His name was Giovanni. He is a tall man who must have been about 50. He has dark hair and was wearing a large orange coat and orange pants. A wine glass half full rests in his hands. In deep thought, the man notices the sun moving behind the clouds. The man takes another drink out of his wine glass and sits on his bed as anger rushes through his veins. Unintentionally in his anger, the man crushes the glass in his hand as his hand is covered in wine.

There are positives and negatives here. You're setting up a vivid scene, which is good. However, your sentence structure is a little choppy, which can be fixed by varying the length of the sentences. Also, I would recommend you look over your uses of tenses again, because there are a couple of inconsistencies.


"There's not much time." Giovanni said. He looked around his room. The room was majestic. He had all the toys and gadgets one could ask for, but it was never enough for him. He always wanted something more. He wants complete control of the world. The world that did him wrong so many years ago. Giovanni wasn't always like this. He used to be an innocent young man who worked side by side with Pokemon to make a difference in this struggling nation, but no one ever took his ideas. People have told him his ideas would be harmful. He was told he was making a big mistake. Giovanni looked at the sky and thought back as far as he could. The memories that brought him great joy and the memories that brought him great pain.

Again, the sentence structure is choppy (but there are signs of improvement here) but the biggest problem is the tense usage, which is very inconsistent. On the upside, this is sounding like a rather interesting plot idea so far.


A tall woman of her twenties was sitting next to a seven year old Giovanni on his bed. She had long dark hair. In her hand, she was holding a lengthy book. She opened it and read the first page. His mother's voice had always calmed Giovanni as a kid.

"One day, the people of the Kanto region lived happily as one. People and Pokemon lived side by side, helping the Pokemon world thrive. But then great terror and shock came across the people of Kanto" Read his mother. The picture book she was reading had a picture of small blue turtle Pokemon called a Squirtle. Giovanni's face lit up with happiness as he saw his favorite Pokemon on the page. His mother turned the page and Giovanni saw something he was quite used to seeing on an every day basis. The Squirtle was evolving.

"But, mother, why is this such a huge surprise to people. Isn't evolution a natural process that every Pokemon had to have gone through. I don't understand why this caused great terror on Kanto?" said the confused young Giovanni.

I'm not sure I completely agree with this portrayal of Madame Boss, if it is her. Of course, you are free to depict her how you wish, I just personally prefer a portrayal closer to the canon.

In the last sentence (the one Giovanni speaks) the punctuation is incorrectly used. The first two sentences should end with question marks, while the last sentence should end with a period.


"This was back in ancient times, son. Tbe people of Kanto had no clue of this process. This was the first time they had ever seen a Pokemon evolve" said his mother turning to the next page. "People didn't know how to control Pokemon when they evolved. This was their first time dealing with this." said his mother. Giovanni looked at the picture on the next page which showed a giant dragon-like Pokemon known as Charizard setting a town in Kanto in flames.

Now the plot is really getting interesting. This definitely is keeping my interest, which is a big plus so far.

The last sentence in Giovanni's mother's first quote is missing a comma at the end, then another comma is missing after "mother," and another between "this" and "said."


"Mother, what's happening?! Asked a worried Giovanni.

In this context, "asked" should be lowercase.


"The newly evolved Pokemon were destroying the city. Unable to control these newly evolved Pokemon, the people of Kanto fled. Many to the Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova regions. They were trying to think of a counterattack and then suddenly. A Dragonite appeared!" said his mother whose voice suddenly turned into one of excitement.

Again, this is an interesting development in the plot. You should develop the backstory of these events more and flesh them out.

The last bit should be "and then suddenly, a Dragonite appeared!"


"A Dragonite!" said Giovanni as a huge smile appeared on his face. He saw the picture in the book. A huge powerful Dragon Pokemon appeared and charged straight for the Charizard. Using its hyper beam attack, the Charizard was finally taken down. Giovanni noticed a small figure on the back of the Dragonite. "Mom, who's that?" asked Giovanni pointing to a small man on the Dragonite.

Nothing wrong here in particular, just watch your comma usage.


The mother grinned. "Son, that is your ancestor from milleniums ago. Using the Dragonite, he was able to clam the evolved Pokemon and then take control of all of them" said the mother.

The term is "millenia," not "milleniums." Also, it's "claim," not "clam," and there should be a comma between "them" and "said."


"But how!?" said an amazed Giovanni. The mother closed the book and tucked Giovanni under the blankets.

"Good night" she said smiling at him and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"Ohhhhhh" said a disappointed Giovanni.

"We'll continue this tomorrow" said the mother.

The ends of the second, third and fourth quotes need commas after them.


Giovanni's mother never kept her promise. Days, months and years went by but still nothing. Giovanni, however, was still told many Pokemon legends and stories and his interest in these creatures were growing. Finally, Giovanni turned 10 years old. He knew that it was the day he can finally become a Pokemon trainer and start his journey. He knew exactly what Pokemon he wanted.

This is another plot point that sounds quite promising. If you develop it, it can reach its full potential as an emotional event.


"A Squirtle!" Giovanni exclaimed to his mother going into the kitchen while his mom was making him pancakes for his birthday.

"Giovanni, mommy is really busy today. She can't help you" said his mother as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Mom, what happened?" asked a worried Giovanni going up to his mother.

"Your father.... I don't know where he went. He's not answering any of my calls. I called Officer Jenny and she found out that he was one his way home from Viridian Forest where supposedly a wild Beedrill killed him" said his mother as more tears kept flowing down her cheeks.

Leaving aside the comma issues, there are some continuity problems here. Giovanni's mother has gone from making pancakes for his birthday, to being busy, to crying because she doesn't know where Giovanni's father is, to suddenly knowing he was killed by a Beedrill.

That's not to say that this is a bad story idea, because it is not bad at all. Just slow down and try to have these events flow more naturally; there's no need to rush.


"Mother.... I" began Giovanni as he began to cry.

"These Pokemon are wild animals! I never want to see you as a Pokemon trainer. They cause too much harm to our region! said his mom.

Now we're beginning to see some interesting conflict, but once again, try to slow down a little. You missed a quote at the end of an otherwise great line.


"Mother, they are not all like this!" said Giovanni. Giovanni didn't realize it but he just like his mother was in the beginning process of hating Pokemon.

Years went by and Giovanni's mother became more and more distant from Giovanni. Coming from a rich family, she hired thieves to do her dirty work. She wanted to capture Pokemon and put them under her control. She eventually became known as the leader of Team Rocket. A secret group of Pokemon criminals and scinetists looking to capture as many Pokemon as possible.

"She eventually became known as the leader of Team Rocket, a secret group of Pokemon criminals and scientists looking to capture as many Pokemon as possible." That's what it should say.

So it is Madame Boss. This is an interesting and unique take on the origin story of Team Rocket.


Giovanni became an athlete. On several occasions, he led his team to victory. He also was the leader of many clubs in his school. And Giovanni began to understand Pokemon a lot more. His hatred for the Beedrill that killed his father was slowly decreasing. He was working on a way to help people to understand Pokemon and how they think.

This paragraph has too many different pieces of information being delivered at once. Slow down, break it up and develop each piece more. For example, what sport did Giovanni play? What clubs did he lead? What led him to understand Pokemon better and how? What caused him to begin hating Beedrill less?


At the age of 25, Giovanni sat by his dying mother who was laying on the hospital bed. His mother, who was still Team Rocket's leader, was at the age of 59. She had found out only a few years ago that she had Breast cancer. She knew what Giovanni had to do. But Giovanni was against the idea. He never wanted to take charge of Team Rocket even though he knew he was a natural leader and the necessary requirements of taking over. Since the age of 10, he always wanted to become the world's top Pokemon trainer but his mother would never allow him to.

"Pokemon are nothing more than tools used to build our empire" his mom would always tell him.

You're continuing to put together good ideas, just remember your grammar ("breast cancer" doesn't need to have "breast" capitalized, it's not a formal name or title) as well as your commas.


Giovanni loved his mom. Although he hated the fact that anyone could be so harsh towards Pokemon, he respected his mother because she had power. She had authority and people listened to her. Giovanni never saw anything like it. She was able to command an army of Team Rocket members with the snap of her finger.

Sitting next to her hospital bed, Giovanni felt his mother's cold hand inside his own.

"You know what you must do, son" said his mother. "Do it for me as a mother's final wish. Giovanni shook his head which caused his mother great pain and disgust. "The Team Rocket name must live on! If you don't take charge of Team Rocket, who will?! Create the empire that my family wanted to build centuries ago!"

"But, mother, Pokemon aren't toys. We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the Pokemon who helped us out through the tough times. They were always there for us. And the thought of treating Pokemon and humans as slaves!? It's just not right. Finally without you here, this region can live in peace. Mother, I have great sorrow for you leaving this world. But now I can turn Team Rocket into the organization it was supposed to be and the Kanto region shall thrive" said Giovanni proudly and with great determination in his voice. Giovanni's mother coughed and Giovanni went to hug her.

I wonder what happens to turn Giovanni into the criminal leader we know today, because this really is a pretty unusual take on him. I'm very intrigued to see how his character evolves.


"Get away from me! I don't ever want to see you again! I gave you everything a mother could give you and this is how you repay me!? You singlehandedly destroyed the Team Rocket name! Get out of my life!" Yelled his mother with great rage in her voice.

"But, mother" said Giovanni with great shock on his face. "Mother, I am gonna turn Team Rocket into heroes. What's so wrong with that. People will come to respect our family once I show them the true meaning of Team Rocket" said Giovanni.

His mother laughed. "The true meaning of Team Rocket? You would never know what that is. You shall never know what that is"

In the first line, "yelled" does not get capitalized. In the second, "What's so wrong with that?" is a question and thus ends with a question mark. Finally, quotes and sentences need to end with punctuation of some kind. You left every quote except the first with no punctuation at the end.


"Mother, I do know. You always told me the legends. The legend of the Dragon Pokemon. Before I went to sleep every night. I know that legend" said Giovanni with great joy remembering the story of the Dragonite.

His mother smiled. "So you do know, Giovanni. You know that part of the plan of Team Rocket is to create a Pokemon army....."

"No more of this, mother!" shouted Giovanni hugging his mom as tears went down his cheeks.

An interesting way of folding the storybook into the main plot...


His mother died later that day at the age of 59. For Giovanni, it was bittersweet. He was greatly saddened to see his mother go. But finally, Kanto was free of Team Rocket or atleast the Team Rocket that people used to know. Giovanni told people about the legend of the Dragonite and how he wanted to find this Dragonite. He knew his ancestors were able to control Pokemon somehow from his mother's story but he didn't know how. How was his ancestor able to control the Dragonite and other Pokemon. People laughed at his ideas saying that the story was nothing more than a legend and he was called a lunatic by many. This upset Giovanni. He wanted to prove people wrong. He wanted to prove that it was more than just a legend.

This serves the purpose of setting up the main plot very well, but again, you need to diversify your sentence structure.



About 25 years later, Giovanni was still in his room. Now, the leader of Team Rocket. He had a hige grin on his face.

"Soon Team Rocket will rule the world and the legend of the Dragon will be known to all people of the Pokemon world! He exclaimed.

"Huge," not "hige." That last sentence is missing its closing quote and would read better as "Soon Team Rocket will rule the world, and the legend of the dragon will be known to all!" After that, "he" should be lowercase.

Well, this is an interesting idea. It's certainly different, especially in terms of how it approaches the origin of Giovanni and Team Rocket. However, the grammar and structure issues are rather drastic, and I would strongly recommend you go over and revise things heavily based on what I've pointed out. That will help you immensely.