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Rotomknight
11th May 2012, 11:18 PM
Pokemon eXtra Dna
Chapter 1: Black-outs, berries and Dna

“Player, come here and test the purification chamber.”
Player, was a 12 year old boy with spiky red hair and round ears. He wore a black skintight top with red stripes on the long-sleeves and a yellow vest atop it. He also wore a hippie pack that matched his top. He also had blue, pocket-less jeans with a red stripe on the sides. He also had black-topped shoes with a horizontal red stripe on the sides with a blue bottom.
As Player rode down the elevator and took a left in this clichéd sci-fi-lab he called home he saw the room that was off-limits was unlocked. He walked in and got a big sho-
“Hello Player.” Said the lab tech “We need your help to test the purification chamber. It uses a massive wireless hookup to store a few bytes of data in every computer in the world to download you into the program and let you purify shadow pokemon. You do know what a shadow pokemon is right, Player?”
“Of course! It’s all you have been talking about for the last 7 years! We never even discussed that F I made on the kindergarten EOGs!” Player exclaimed.
“Well shadow pokemon are …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… And that’s what a shadow pokemon is.”
To player what happened was he couldn’t move while the man rambled about shadow pokemon.
During this free moment he walked forward onto a pedestal.
“Oh, I see you are ready to get started” Lily.
Lily was player’s mother. She was in her early 30s and wore a pink lab coat. She wore her brown hair in a bun on the back of her head.
Player saw the tech press a button and everything was black!
……………………………………………………………………………………………….......... Player awoke in his bed on his side. He felt a tickling sensation on his head and chest.
A voice in his head that wasn’t his said “Why is my tail itching…”
Player thought “What the heck! Why is there a voice in my head!”
The voice replied “Who is in MY head!”
Player responded with “Tell you what, I’ll tell you my name, then you tell me yours. Agreed?”
The voice thought “Yes”
“My name is Player-“
“Player! It’s me Eevee!”
“Eevee what the heck in hades is going on!”
Just then Lily walked in the room with a bowl full of some sort of soup. “Oh are you awake, Player?”
“Yes. And what the tauros poop is going on here!?” Player replied.
Lily replied with “Here, I’ll tell you. But first the obligatory FLASHBACK ALERT!”
Lily saw the tech push the button. The lights shut off though you could still see the room.
The tech yelled “It’s a black-out!”
The power soon came back on.
“Where’s Player!” Lily yelled!
“I am retrieving him now from the chamber!” The tech yelled.
Player slowly rematerialized but without his pinkie toe.
Suddenly a girl with rosy cheeks, blue pigtails, a happy-go-lucky personality and a white dress with blue legs came in and yelled “Mommy, I’m scared!”
Lily said “Not now Jovi, Player is stuck.”
Jovi ran lightning fast at Player, coming up to his waist and pulled with all her might, but to no avail! She yelled “Maia, I need your help!”
A cream colored rabbit with blue floppy ears a ball tipped with a minus sign for a tail and blue hands ran up and began pulling with Jovi. Player broke free and a small energy wave was released!
Lily saw Player lying on the ground with a white fuzzy collar. He also had long pointed brown ears, and a brown tail with a pointy white tip.
Jovi had blue floppy ears; a tail like Maia the minun’s, and blue cheeks with a cream line across each.
End flashback
Lily continued with “You were out for a few days. We took a hair off your collar. We then saw that your DNA merged with Eevee’s because he was the demo pokemon we choose. Jovi has the same condition as you but with Maia.”
Player said “Well Eevee’s mind s in my head with my mind.”
Lily’s face made an O.
Then Jovi walked in the room just as Lily described.
“Mommy I’m hungry.” Jovi said wearily.
“Jovi had already woke up.” Lily explained.
Lily continued with “Your nutritional needs have changed, The only difference is you need crushed berries in your diet.”
Tell me what you think guys.
__________________________________________________ _________
I will make a PM list.
I will try to update semi frequently.
Please review and talk.

Kutie Pie
12th May 2012, 2:47 AM
All right, I don't know if this is your first story, but if your signature's anything to go by, you have tried your hand at writing before.

Now the idea... it sounds interesting, but you handled the story-telling rather poorly so it makes it uninteresting, and not very entertaining. In fact, most of it deals with laziness, and wrong usages of story-telling that needs to be studied, you can say. I'll (hopefully) go into more detail when I get to these parts.

First, let's look at the title.


Pokemon eXtra Dna
Chapter 1: Black-outs, berries and Dna

Already we have problems with it and the chapter title.

I understand you wanted to be creative with the title by capitalizing the “x”. But honestly, if you wish to keep it, it should be “X-tra”, or just “Extra”. Though we could make it an exception for the creativity...

Well anyway, “Dna” is incorrect, because “DNA” is an anagram of “Deoxyribonucleic Acid”. Thus, it has to be all-caps.

For the chapter title, it has to be “Blackouts, Berries, and DNA”.

Now, for the story format itself.


“Player, come here and test the purification chamber.”
Player, was a 12 year old boy with spiky red hair and round ears. He wore a black skintight top with red stripes on the long-sleeves and a yellow vest atop it. He also wore a hippie pack that matched his top. He also had blue, pocket-less jeans with a red stripe on the sides. He also had black-topped shoes with a horizontal red stripe on the sides with a blue bottom.
As Player rode down the elevator and took a left in this clichéd sci-fi-lab he called home he saw the room that was off-limits was unlocked. He walked in and got a big sho-

I can tell you're using paragraphs. However, the forums can't use regular paragraph formats (actually, I think that's the case on many forums), so there has to be a space between paragraphs. This'll make it easier to read.


“Player, come here and test the purification chamber.”
Player, was a 12 year old boy with spiky red hair and round ears. He wore a black skintight top with red stripes on the long-sleeves and a yellow vest atop it. He also wore a hippie pack that matched his top. He also had blue, pocket-less jeans with a red stripe on the sides. He also had black-topped shoes with a horizontal red stripe on the sides with a blue bottom.

So... the character's actual name is “Player”? Hmm... I guess your intention is to draw connections with the character and the reader. As much as this is an interest concept, you didn't draw it out very well.

For one thing, if we're to associate ourselves with Player, wouldn't it have been easier to keep his description (or even gender) vague? It'd make it easier for us to become Player as intended. But if Player is the character's name... then his parents must hate him.

What is the purpose of naming a character “Player” if we're not going to be Player? This would've been much easier if it was in first-person, or (even better) second-person. There has to be a reason you gave a character that name. If you don't have a reason, then it's a pointless name, and needs to be changed.


As Player rode down the elevator and took a left in this clichéd sci-fi-lab he called home he saw the room that was off-limits was unlocked. He walked in and got a big sho-

Okay, first off, just call it the appropriately-named “laboratory”. You can call it “sci-fi lab” if we were getting the narrative from Player, but this is third-person, not first-person.

Second, how were we supposed to know there was a room that was off-limits? You didn't show us this laboratory. You're just walking us over to the plot and expect us to fill in gaps. No, you need to establish the world you're setting these characters in. Let us watch Player interact with this world he calls home.

Now the last sentence. You ended it abruptly. You made me think the narrator telling this story suddenly got knocked out or something.

No.

Just say, “He walked in and got a big shock,” end of paragraph. You don't end sentences like that when we're not even in the thoughts of a character. And even then, you should finish the word before adding the hyphen if you want to suddenly switch to another thought or interruption.

I meant to bring this up previously until I got side-tracked. I can see now this is supposed to be a parody of sorts. Okay then, I get that, but you can't make parodies all willy-nilly. The purpose of parodies is to poke fun of (usually flawed) aspects of the source you're parodying and and twist it. You mentioned the laboratory being “clichéd”. How is it clichéd, exactly? What makes a Pokémon laboratory clichéd? You need to show this. You can't expect everyone to understand what makes the lab cliché when some of us have no idea how it can be cliché in Pokémon.

In fact... who the heck was talking at the beginning? Was that an intercom? Was there someone there, and you just jump-cut to Player riding in an elevator? That's really awful transitioning right there. We're on the third paragraph, and already I'm lost.

Moving on.


“Hello Player.” Said the lab tech “We need your help to test the purification chamber. It uses a massive wireless hookup to store a few bytes of data in every computer in the world to download you into the program and let you purify shadow pokemon. You do know what a shadow pokemon is right, Player?”

WHOA THERE.

You're not letting this character breathe already? Put some commas or a pause in between sentences. And where the heck are we? Why is the technician suddenly explaining everything? Is the world in danger? Why are they using a kid in an experiment? Why is there Shadow Pokémon involved? Doesn't the kid talk?


“Of course! It’s all you have been talking about for the last 7 years! We never even discussed that F I made on the kindergarten EOGs!” Player exclaimed.

Oh, Player can talk.

Okay then. Now to pick apart his dialogue.

Write out the number “seven”. Unless it's a huge number, always write out a number in words. I forgot to mention that on the second paragraph.

What does he mean by a “Kindergarten EOG”? He has an “F” where, exactly? If he's twelve, then why is he bringing up kindergarten? I never brought up kindergarten when I was twelve, probably because there wasn't a lot that went on in kindergarten that was so important to me.


“Well shadow pokemon are …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… And that’s what a shadow pokemon is.”

Uh-uh, you don't do this. If you are too lazy to research Shadow Pokémon, or don't know how to describe them without getting redundant, then have him trail off (without filling up two lines with ellipses), and perhaps have Player space off while the technician buzzed on in the background or something. And then he comes back in time to catch “and that's what a Shadow Pokémon is” and act like he was listening the entire time.

Though why was the guy explaining Shadow Pokémon if Player already knew about it?


To player what happened was he couldn’t move while the man rambled about shadow pokemon.
During this free moment he walked forward onto a pedestal.

T_T

Why didn't you insert that in between the dialogue? And if he couldn't move, then how did he walk onto a pedestal? Or was this the technician who walked onto it? This is why description is important. Just because Ernest Hemingway could write in minimalism doesn't mean that everyone can.

(And even then, I had issues with Ernest Hemingway's minimalism.)


“Oh, I see you are ready to get started” Lily.

Who the hell is Lily?


Lily was player’s mother. She was in her early 30s and wore a pink lab coat. She wore her brown hair in a bun on the back of her head.

Okay then. Don't slap her name at the end of the piece of dialogue like that without us knowing who she is. And where did she come from? Was she in this non-existent room from the very beginning, or is she a ninja? You get what I'm saying here? You. Need. Description.


Player saw the tech press a button and everything was black!

Don't tell us it went black. Show us.


……………………………………………………………………………………………….......... Player awoke in his bed on his side. He felt a tickling sensation on his head and chest.

Oh God, another line full of ellipses. It's Tara Gilesbie all over again. I wouldn't have an issue with this had it not been for that, and just the lack of description and atmosphere.


A voice in his head that wasn’t his said “Why is my tail itching…”

Don't tell us it's not his voice like that. If we had a better understanding of the character by now, we would've caught something out of the ordinary ourselves. Or actually, you didn't have to tell us. We could've figured it out at “my tail” because humans don't have tails.


Player thought “What the heck! Why is there a voice in my head!”
The voice replied “Who is in MY head!”
Player responded with “Tell you what, I’ll tell you my name, then you tell me yours. Agreed?”
The voice thought “Yes”
“My name is Player-“
“Player! It’s me Eevee!”
“Eevee what the heck in hades is going on!”

You know, normally thoughts aren't put in quotations and are italicized. But as far as I know, that's a style. Still, you should be showing us that he's having a mental discussion with a voice in his head. We can't have a long list of pointless dialogue that doesn't really go anywhere except reveal that his Eevee is in his head... somehow.

Why isn't Player just as confused as I am? It'd make more sense that way.


Just then Lily walked in the room with a bowl full of some sort of soup. “Oh are you awake, Player?”
“Yes. And what the tauros poop is going on here!?” Player replied.

Just say it's a bowl of soup.

And capitalize “Tauros”.


Lily replied with “Here, I’ll tell you. But first the obligatory FLASHBACK ALERT!”

This is where the humor and parody falls flat on its butt. She screamed “FLASHBACK ALERT” like a banshee for no reason other than to break the fourth wall poorly. The story was hard enough to read. But when we reached this part, started to hurt, and was pretty much beginning to eviscerate me at the end.

Don't believe me? Let's take a look.

It is here that the critique took its toll. So while the calm, suave side is recovering elsewhere, the sarcastic, easily angered side will take over.


Lily saw the tech push the button. The lights shut off though you could still see the room.
The tech yelled “It’s a black-out!”
The power soon came back on.
“Where’s Player!” Lily yelled!
“I am retrieving him now from the chamber!” The tech yelled.

Too much yelling in the dark even though we can still see the room in the dark!

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/3c/Nostalgia_Critic.jpg/250px-Nostalgia_Critic.jpg

Description please. It prevents folks from stumbling around in the dark.


Player slowly rematerialized but without his pinkie toe.

Do we really need that information?


Suddenly a girl with rosy cheeks, blue pigtails, a happy-go-lucky personality and a white dress with blue legs came in and yelled “Mommy, I’m scared!”

Uhh... she has blue legs o_O?

And don't tell us she has a happy-go-lucky personality if she's scared. If you wanted us to know this, then you should've introduced her at the beginning of the story. It's pointless right now.


Lily said “Not now Jovi, Player is stuck.”

And the award for “Best Mom” goes to...


Jovi ran lightning fast at Player, coming up to his waist and pulled with all her might, but to no avail!

Oh noes, an exclamation mark to emphasize that something went wrong!


She yelled “Maia, I need your help!”
A cream colored rabbit with blue floppy ears a ball tipped with a minus sign for a tail and blue hands ran up and began pulling with Jovi. Player broke free and a small energy wave was released!

Where did the Minun come from? And more emphasis!


Lily saw Player lying on the ground with a white fuzzy collar. He also had long pointed brown ears, and a brown tail with a pointy white tip.
Jovi had blue floppy ears; a tail like Maia the minun’s, and blue cheeks with a cream line across each.

And what does our hero's mother has to say about this as she stared at her children lying unconscious on the cold tiled floor?

“Oh, I see.”


End flashback

We didn't need this. If you wanted to show the end of a flashback, then just italicize-or-whatever the parts that are flashbacks, and let it be.


Lily continued with “You were out for a few days. We took a hair off your collar. We then saw that your DNA merged with Eevee’s because he was the demo pokemon we choose. Jovi has the same condition as you but with Maia.”

So Lily allowed her children to be experiments to make Pokémon-human hybrids without batting an eyelash.

Wow. Just... wow. I don't like her anymore than I did from the very beginning. Which wasn't much.

And where the heck did they get the Eevee? Judging by Player's and Eevee's short discussion, the two knew each other, suggesting Player merged with his own Eevee.

Thanks for the nightmare fuel, I appreciate it.


Player said “Well Eevee’s mind s in my head with my mind.”

You don't say.


Lily’s face made an O.

More nightmare fuel. I think you meant to say her mouth formed an "O" like she hadn't a clue what was going on with her own children whom she personally watched be experimented on.


Then Jovi walked in the room just as Lily described.

And how did Lily describe her walking into the room, exactly?


“Mommy I’m hungry.” Jovi said wearily.
“Jovi had already woke up.” Lily explained.

We can see that.


Lily continued with “Your nutritional needs have changed, The only difference is you need crushed berries in your diet.”

And there are the berries as mentioned in the title. And what are these berries, I may ask? Well...

FADE TO BLACK

*The X-Files theme*

What a way to end a chapter. Something tells me we won't be seeing the children eating these berries any time soon. The title was a third misleading, while another third was rather pointless. "DNA" is more fitting than blackouts and berries, oh my.

So yes, as you can see, a lot of work needs to be done here. We need as follows:


Description to fill in gaps.
Atmosphere for depth and emotion.
Filling of holes for safer reading and flow.
Proper character introduction and development outside of their physical description and names for better likability and realism.
Proof that Lily won't become the antagonist when she really isn't by being a better mother so the audience won't be misled.
A better grasp on parody and the fourth wall so the jokes won't be forced and painful.

This will help your story, because I'm sure you have an interesting concept. But if you can't tell a story well enough, then it's going to hurt you. How? Well, besides the lack of interested readers (which should be the least of your worries), it'll be the lack of understanding how a story works without a reader pointing the mistakes and how to fix them. No story is without their flaws, but the flaws can be corrected.

So I'm asking you to please fix them in this chapter, and for future chapters.