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Star✰Destroyer
13th May 2012, 4:27 AM
Star&Coco

Chapter 1

Star and his best friend Coco are having a sleepover at Star's house to celebrate Star Coco's 10th birthday the upcoming day. The one thing they are looking forward to more than anything are... POKEMON
Star and Coco quickly ran down the stairs and out the door to check their mailboxes, where their mothers said that their presents would be. And sure enough there they were, two packages. One Saying:
To Star
From Dad
and the other saying:
To Coco
From Dad
Their fathers had been out controling the Nimbassa City Subway Station, for they were none other than Ingo and Emmet!
Star and Coco quickly shredded open their packages and right there in front of their eyes was a real live pokeball! "Oh my Arceus I'm going to pass out" Whispered Coco rather loudly. Star just stood there with an undescribable look on his face. After Star was out of his trance he proposed a deal. "Hey Coco wouldn't it be fun to have a pokemon catching competition" said Star.
Coco remained silent as Star went on.
"I'll go to the North end of the forest and you can go to the south end!" said Star. Coco immediatly ran out the door for the southern end of the forest. The contest had started.

As Star approached the forest he could smell the scent of a pokemon's sweet scent . Star thought the best plan was to climb a tree and search from above, but unfortunately the leaves were very soft and almost in an instant Star drifted asleep. Meanwhile below a small baby Zangoose was running from a large pack of Seviper. The Zangoose was tired and bruised and was sure to collapse any second so he took a sharp turn and climbed a tree quickly before they could see him. It just so happened to be that the Zangoose had climbed in the same tree Star was in. Zangoose's sharp claws in Star's arms awoke him. The second he officially awoke all he thought about was "Oh, yes I can catch a pokemon!", but as he focused more on the pokemon he saw how bruised and hurt it was, he could see in the fear in it's eyes, it was trembling as well. He gave it a potion from his bag and by 5 minutes the Zangoose was at full health.
The Zangoose had grown very fond of Star, and Star had grown fond of the Zangoose as well. So Star decided to catch the Zangoose. He named him Ingo after his father. Star started to run back to the town, but not the way he came in, he had a real live pokemon partner!!!

As Coco entered the forest he saw bug pokemon everywhere. He saw Wormadam swinging to the rythm of the krikitune's chirps, beautiflys, and dustoxes dancing it was such a happpy scenario. In the middle of everything was a small unattended egg, and the egg was... Shaking!!, as a matter of fact it was about to hatch! Coco approached as it hatched right in front of him. It was none other than a PINSIR! The Pinsir kept on following Coco, for it thought Coco was his mother! When Coco looked back the pinsir immediatly embraced him. Coco thought that he couldn't abandon him because then he'd be lonely..., but then Coco came up with a brilliant idea! I can keep this pokemon for my own after all he is very powerful, he could nearly lift up Coco! Coco through his pokeball at the Pinsir, whom he decided to name Emmet after his father, with a very spastic motion. Coco then started skipping merrily away with his new PINSIR!!!!

Current Teams:
Star: ;335;
Coco: ;127;


I'm sorry if the quality isn't that great I'm only 11

Chapter 2 coming Soon...

Star✰Destroyer
13th May 2012, 4:47 AM
Nevermind I fixed it!!! ^^

Chibi Pika
13th May 2012, 4:57 AM
Why hello there. For starters, there's no real need to post more than one chapter at a time. Since both of these chapters are really short, you'd be much better off combining them, especially since not very much happens in the first two chapters. I'm not sure if you used a word processing program for this (like Word, Wordpad, or Notepad) but that helps you save your work so you can get longer chapters (since there is a two-page minimum requirement.)

Now then, with you first starting out, probably the best advice I can give you is don't be afraid to go into more detail with your scenes. For instance, there are only really two sentences in the prologue (which, again, ought to be combined with the two chapters, since it doesn't really take place in a different time or place from the main story), and you could do so much more than what's there. You could have a conversation between the two main characters where they excitedly discuss what they plan to do when they get a Pokemon. Having them talk would also tell us a bit about them--right now we don't know anything about them than that they're two average boys excited about their first Pokemon (understandably so.) Is one of them more energetic than the other? More talkative? Is one of them more interested in becoming strong, while the other just wants to meet lots of different kinds of Pokemon? Any time you can have conversations or events that tell us about your characters is a good thing.

This is also the case with the next bit. You could describe how overexcited they are as they race down the stairs. Also, you tell us that their fathers are the subway's heads, but it'd be much more interesting to have that come up in a conversation between the two (like having one of the boys drop a mention at that one day they hope they can challenge their dad at the subway, or something.) And then we're told that they make this plan to go catch a Pokemon separately--why not actually write the conversation? One of the boys could ask how they should use their first Poke Balls, and the other could come up with the plan, then maybe one of them could be worried that they can't catch anything without weakening it first, but the other could reassure them that they'll be fine. Stuff like that helps flesh out a story more than just telling us everything that's going on.

The same goes for the next part. You could describe the trembling and the fear in the baby Zangoose's eyes when it first encounters Star, and his attempts to calm it down and reassure it that he's trying to help it.

Keep these things in mind and you should be able to make your story more in-depth and generally more entertaining for readers. Good luck.

~Chibi~;249;;448;

Edit: Ninja'd by the author, heh. Well, I kinda figured the thread would be closed, but hopefully your next try goes better.

Star✰Destroyer
13th May 2012, 5:32 AM
Chapter 2
As Star headed back home he was greeted by Coco spastically dancing up and down with a pokeball in his hands. He could tell that Coco had successfully caught a pokemon.
"Hey Star. Hurry up slowpoke so I can show you my awesome pokemon!!" said Coco as Star approached.
"Shut up and show me your pokemon." said Star.
"Fine, but you have to show me yours too." said Coco.
On a count of three they both released their pokemon in unison.
"WOW!" exclaimed both of them in unison looking at the others pokemon.
Ingo and Emmet seemed to be getting a long very nicely. They were practically best friends!
All was well and Coco and Star nearly forgot about their mothers, until they smelled the smell of Star's Mom's special pancakes. They both sprinted for Star's house. Their mothers must be worried sick! But instead of seeing their mothers worried and panicked they were discussing who's son would catch a cooler pokemon. When the mother's saw their sons with pokeballs they rushed towards them and asked them about their newly caught pokemon. Star and Coco showed their mother's their pokemon, although they were not the cutest pokemon in the world their mom's still loved them. Their moms reccomended to ask the fisherman that lived next store about where to travel on their journey, for the fisherman (known as Bob) had traveled the world fishing all his life.
The two young boys politely knocked on his door. "Come in" yelled the fisherman.
Coco quickly asked "Ummmm... Me and my friend Star were wondering where we should go for our pokemon journey?"
"Aww... Ingo and Emmet's kids hmmm… I remember you guys from when you were just born"
"Yeah we get it gramps your old, now answer my question!" snapped Coco.
"Not very polite, but sure I'll tell you." replied the grandpa "Just head through the South end of the forest and you should find a large lake cross it and you'll be on your way."
"Hmmmm... Doesn't seem to hard, but how are we supposed to get across?" questioned Star.
All Bob did was give each of them a pokeball and an old rod. Then he drifted asleep leaving the two boys alone in his house.
"Ok Star, let’s go catch some water types and get across that river!" exclaimed Coco.
Star nodded hopefully and the boys were off to the lake known as Serpent Lake, for the strange serpent sightings that were saw there.
Two boys now becoming men on their soon-to-be pokemon adventure!

Star✰Destroyer
14th May 2012, 3:33 AM
Chapter 3
It had been a long day heading through the forest. Ingo and Emmet just used cut on any pokemon that got in their way. The two had grown quite strong, so had Star and Coco. They had found many pokemon, they were: Sewaddle, wurmple, Kakuna, burmy, and a very upset scolipede. Star and Coco decided to set camp. “Hey Star do you think we are almost at Serpent lake,” said Coco
“I’m sure the first thing we find tomorrow is that lake,” exclaimed Star
“That’s the spirit” Coco muttered drifting asleep
“Good night” muttered Star
“Good night” replied Coco
They had to get as much sleep as possible because they knew that tomorrow they would be catching their newest pokemon!
“Good Morning. Come on get up I can see the lake from here” Exclaimed Coco
With that being said Star immediately got up and ate some berries for breakfast. Within seconds of waking up they were off to the lake. Coco decided to bathe Ingo and Emmet. I was getting the fishing pole ready. All was peaceful until Ingo and Emmet smelled something, we could smell it too. The smell was indescribable. It was like a combo stench of all pokemon with some seasalt to top it off. Without having any more time to process the odor a wild Sharpedo jumped up and nearly ate Coco, it was insane!
“Quick,” yelled Coco, “have Ingo use Fury Cutter, it’s super effective, I’ll do the same with Emmet.”
Instantly Ingo and Emmet striked for both of its sides. Ingo missed and received a fierce crunch, but Emmet got a clean hit and nearly knocked it out! Coco reacted quickly and threw a pokeball at. 1 shake. 2 shakes. 3 shakes and… “YES!!” exclaimed Coco as he caught the sharpedo.
He decided to name him Jawz after his large Jaws. Star was somewhat jealous of Coco’s very strong pokemon, but Star new the only way to get over is jealousy was to catch an awesome pokemon equal to Coco’s Sharpedo. Star immediately casted out his line and got a bite. He started to pull it in. As he pulled it in he noticed something. “Hey Coco do you see anything strange about that magikarp?” asked Star
“Yeah. It looks almost… GOLD!” exclaimed Coco.
Star used the pokeball he hooked onto the line to catch the golden magikarp. As he reeled it in he realized it wasn’t a magikarp it was a feebass!!!!!! A real live Feebass!!!! They are so rare and their evolution is so elegant and powerful. Now Coco was jealous! Star decided to name her Shine, because he thought it was a shiny magikarp.
With Star being dragged through the water by Shine, and Coco being dragged by Jawz the two friends were off and heading to Kokolina City where they would find the first gymleader, Sasha.

Current Teams:
Star:
Ingo Lvl 12
Shine lvl 6
Coco:
Emmet Lvl 9
Jawz lvl 14

Azurne
14th May 2012, 8:33 PM
I'm sorry if the quality isn't that great I'm only 11
We were all young once; some get into writing earlier than others. Age is no excuse for poor quality though. Yes, you're young and haven't quite picked up the skill set of writing, but your story doesn't have to be poor because you're eleven. If you keep telling yourself your story is bad because you're 'only x years old' you won't learn to find your mistakes and try overcome them. So, as a general rule, don't even mention to people how old you are, just concentrate on what can be improved in your story. :>

As for the story:

- Try and fix your formatting. Sometimes when you work in a separate writing program and copy/paste your story, it gets squished and you have to go back and hit the enter button again after paragraphs. Use the preview function and make sure this:


Star and his best friend Coco are having a sleepover at Star's house to celebrate Star Coco's 10th birthday the upcoming day. The one thing they are looking forward to more than anything are... POKEMON
Star and Coco quickly ran down the stairs and out the door to check their mailboxes, where their mothers said that their presents would be. And sure enough there they were, two packages. One Saying:
To Star
From Dad
and the other saying:
To Coco
From Dad
Their fathers had been out controling the Nimbassa City Subway Station, for they were none other than Ingo and Emmet!
Star and Coco quickly shredded open their packages and right there in front of their eyes was a real live pokeball! "Oh my Arceus I'm going to pass out" Whispered Coco rather loudly. Star just stood there with an undescribable look on his face. After Star was out of his trance he proposed a deal. "Hey Coco wouldn't it be fun to have a pokemon catching competition" said Star.
Coco remained silent as Star went on.
"I'll go to the North end of the forest and you can go to the south end!" said Star. Coco immediatly ran out the door for the southern end of the forest. The contest had started.

Turns into something like this:


Star and his best friend Coco are having a sleepover at Star's house to celebrate Star Coco's 10th birthday the upcoming day. The one thing they are looking forward to more than anything are...

POKEMON

Star and Coco quickly ran down the stairs and out the door to check their mailboxes, where their mothers said that their presents would be. And sure enough there they were, two packages. One Saying:

To Star
From Dad

and the other saying:

To Coco
From Dad

Their fathers had been out controling the Nimbassa City Subway Station, for they were none other than Ingo and Emmet!

Star and Coco quickly shredded open their packages and right there in front of their eyes was a real live pokeball! "Oh my Arceus I'm going to pass out" Whispered Coco rather loudly. Star just stood there with an undescribable look on his face. After Star was out of his trance he proposed a deal. "Hey Coco wouldn't it be fun to have a pokemon catching competition" said Star.

Coco remained silent as Star went on.

"I'll go to the North end of the forest and you can go to the south end!" said Star. Coco immediatly ran out the door for the southern end of the forest. The contest had started.

It makes your story a lot easier to read.

- Grammar-wise, you've a lot of mistakes which can be fixed by simply reading a lot more. Pick up your favorite book and look at how the author punctuates their dialogue. Pay attention to their use of commas, especially. I can't really go much farther in-depth than that though, because grammar isn't my forte and you're better off learning from someone who knows it much better than I. :p

- Your story itself is a little chaotic. You start off by saying, "Star and his best friend Coco are having a sleepover at Star's house to celebrate Star Coco's 10th birthday the upcoming day."

Uh, okay. That's nice. Who is Star and Coco, and why should we (the readers) care? Part of the appeal for a good story is the characters that are in it. Your audience must find the main character(s) interesting on some level, or they won't want to read to find out what happens to them. Would you want to read a book about a dull, bland character who does nothing?

Having said that, the best way to get someone interested in your characters is to "introduce" them. Don't tell your readers that Star and Coco are having a sleepover, show them. In other words, instead of just saying "Star and Coco are having a sleepover," show something along the lines of Coco getting hit in the face with a pillow, or Star making fun of Coco's pajamas. Your first impressions of characters really count in the beginning chapters. You can't just say 'here is Star and Coco, they're best friends,' and expect us to immediately know who you are talking about and accept that they're best friends.

The same applies to any background characters, such as their fathers'. You say that 'they were none other than Ingo and Emmet,' but your readers have absolutely no idea who Ingo and Emmet are beyond the fact they are vaguely important people.

- Your chapters are short and very rushed, so slow down! Take your time to edit and proof read. You aren't working under any sort of deadline, and you won't lose anything by taking a little extra time to check it.

Lastly, but most certainly not least, you need to work on an overall plot and direction. Your first three chapters have been nothing but Star and Coco getting their pokémon and starting their journey. There is nothing here that really sets your story apart from any other journey fic or even makes it interesting, really. Are you just going to follow through with a generic gym battling plot or is there some twist? To be honest, journey fics are pretty common in this fandom, and in order to stand out, you really need to focus on how you could make this different.

I encourage you to keep writing, but try and practice properly with good grammar. Read a lot of higher quality stories and books and find out what about them make them fun to read. Practice, practice, practice. Read, read, read. Then more practice. If you make mistakes, it's okay, that's a normal part of learning. Keep trying though - you'll get better with time and effort. :3