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Feenie
26th May 2012, 9:41 PM
This is a fanfic about the events that precede the storyline of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky, so it will end up containing spoilers to the game. Just warning you in advance.

I decided a while a go that I was going to try and do this. After reading through many different fanfics myself, I felt inspired to write my own, and so here is Chapter 1. I am working on Chapter 2 even as I post this, so it should be up within a few days, maybe longer.

Note that this will probably end up having some swearing, and a bit of violence, but nothing to serious. Do not fret, I shall not be dropping the F-Bomb every five seconds.

Anyway, please let me know what you think. I welcome any and all feedback.

Chapter 1 - Prologue

They ran through the trees with great speed, crashing through brambles and branches alike as if they simply did not exist. The pain was nothing. They had experienced worse in their travels. It felt as if they were merely being tickled by small blades of grass, despite the damage they could see clearly forming on their arms, and on one’s case, its clothes.

It was an odd duo, really. A human and a Pokémon. Not usually unheard of, but given the current predicament of the world, it was a rare sight indeed. One might think it was impossible. Humans were very uncommon in this area of the world, and this was before things had gone completely haywire, more than 100 years ago. Nowadays the idea of their existence in this land was utterly baffling. It was a mystery, to be sure, as to how this particular human had found its way here. The human itself was unsure of how it happened.

But here he was, running for his life along with his trusted Pokémon friend. His best friend.

The human turned to his partner, fatigue plastered all over his face. They had been running for a good 30 minutes now, with a pathetic excuse for a rest somewhere in-between. Lungs on fire, he panted, “Almost there, right?”

The Pokémon turned, giving the human is usual, unfathomable look, and nodded solemnly. Speech was unnecessary for him at this moment. He found that running and talking simultaneously proved to be more trouble than it was worth, and so remained silent.

A small smile crept over the human’s face. Whether it was from triumph or relief, the Pokémon couldn’t say, however he found himself returning the smile, as he always did. That was one thing about the human; he could always bring a smile to your face, regardless of how serious the situation was. And he could say with great confidence that this situation was as serious as they came.

Malicious laughter from behind them snapped the pair back to the matter at hand. They had to hurry. Time – or lack thereof – was of the essence, and it was crucial that they used every passing second of it to reach their goal. The stakes, they knew, were far too high. They couldn’t afford to lose focus.

“Let’s pick up the pace.”

________

Finally, after another 10 minutes of non-stop running, their goal came into sight.

They had broken out into a rather large clearing. It was mostly empty, save a few leaves scattered around the perimeter, and of course…one other thing.

In the centre, sat a small blue ball, crackling lightly with a mystical energy, which was unlike anything the pair had ever seen. The ball itself gave off a quaint glow, illuminating the surrounding area with an equally as mystical, pale blue light.

The duo’s eyes were transfixed to the sight, mouths hanging open in wonder and awe at its sheer beauty. Light like this wasn’t normally viewable in this dark, dismal land. This in itself strengthened the pair’s resolve further. They had to do this.

“It’s…beautiful…” the human breathed softly after regaining some air in his lungs. He could feel his raging heart rate slowing, calming at the tranquil light that surrounded him.

“Indeed it is,” the Pokémon nodded in agreement with his friend, tearing his gaze away from the light to meet his partner’s eyes. “We can’t afford to fail here. We must succeed.”

The human nodded, a smile once again forming on his lips, “Right. We have to…for the future. We have to…share this beautiful-“

“My my! Beautiful? Your words flatter me so, boy,” a deep voice interrupted the human from the shadows, followed up by a bone chilling laugh. “Trying to butter me up before the inevitable, I see?”

The pair tensed. They knew that voice. They knew it very well.

The same laughter boomed around them once more. “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?”

The boy glared into the darkness around them, clearly irritated by the interruption. He growled, “Show yourself, you coward!”

This remark was answered by another one of those laughs, along with many others soon after. It was clear their enemies had caught up to them, despite the boost of speed the pair had pushed on themselves. Would these guys ever give up?

“I’m afraid you’re going to regret ever saying that,” the voice spoke again, with a lack of its previous joviality. It was as cold as ice now.

And then, before the boy could reply, half a dozen orbs of sizzling dark energy burst out from the shadows with great speed, aimed directly at him.

“Figures...” the boy muttered under his breath as the Shadow Balls flew towards him. They would aim for him, the more vulnerable of the two. He sighed nonchalantly as his partner leapt into action, the leafy blades on his arms glowing and extending as he swiped them through the oncoming attacks, three at a time.

In an instant, the Shadow Balls had dissipated into thin air, having been sliced in half by the Leaf Blade, leaving the duo utterly unscathed. “You never did fight fairly, Dusknoir.” the boy’s partner scoffed, the leaves on his arms retracting to their original size.

“Well, at least I fight as a warrior should. Focused and unwavering. Unlike you, who seems to only care about trivial matters.” the Pokémon named Dusknoir shot back, motioning to the boy with one of his large, grey arms as he came into full view.

The boy raised an eyebrow at the ghost Pokémon, surveying him up and down as always as if he were expecting him to trail out of some kind of genie lamp. One look at his ‘tail’, which hovered just a bit off of the ground, would’ve made anyone do it, and the same held true for the boy, regardless of how many times he had encountered him.

His eyes then moved up towards Dusknoir’s body, observing the odd, yellow markings on his stomach which appeared to bear resemblance to a mouth and two eyes. Something about that shape on his stomach unnerved him, as if it were holding back a great deal of power. He certainly hoped he wouldn’t be discovering whatever lay hidden there any time soon.

And finally, he ascended his gaze once more to the ghost’s head, shivering at the sight of it. Where most creatures would have had two separate eye sockets, with their own individual eye balls, Dusknoir had but one socket, in which an ominous red pupil glared out from beneath. The mere appearance of this made the boy’s skin crawl all over, and not in a good way.

The boy’s partner straightened, turning to face the ghost Pokémon in an offensive stance. His eyes alive with passion, “Maybe if you had some friends, you wouldn’t think of it that way.”

The ghost chuckled darkly, the stomach on his mouth twisting into a slight grin. “I’m sure you already realise that I have many ‘friends’. Perhaps you just need a little reminder as to who they are.”

The boy narrowed his eyes as Dusknoir finished speaking, tensing his muscles in preparation for what was about to come. He had been in enough skirmishes with this particular Pokémon to figure out how he played things. It was never pretty.

As if on cue, six blurs of purple materialized out of the darkness around them, their wickedly sharp claws narrowly missing the pair by centimetres as they dodged the oncoming assault.

“Damn Sableye!” the boy growled, jumping out of the way of another attack before retaliating with a heavy roundhouse kick to the face, sending one of the midnight purple Pokémon sprawling to the floor, the surrounding glow from the mysterious orb reflecting off of its diamond shaped eyes.

Being mere underlings, they posed a minimal threat to the duo, who worked together like clockwork. In a heartbeat, they would be at the other’s side if necessary, protecting them from whatever dangers stood in their way, never thinking for a second about the risks. This had almost become their code of conduct. The trust between the two of them was an unbreakable, unwavering force.

However, what the Sableye lacked in strength, they made up for in speed, and this showed greatly as one moved in on the boy’s leg, which was still left suspended in air from the kick, digging its claws deep into the it before he could pull it back, causing him to cry out in pain. Blood seeped through the wound onto the Sableye’s claws, but it merely laughed, enjoying the look of pain on the human’s face.

And then, as fast as it had arrived, it was gone, already clambering its way up to the boy’s face to land a direct hit, its claws glowing an ominous purple as it prepared to attack. Unfortunately for it, it never saw the ball of green energy fly straight towards it, and was promptly thrown to the ground, knocked out on impact.

They boy turned to his Pokémon partner, his features softening into a mix of gratitude and slight guilt, already his friend had saved his life twice in the span of three minutes, he would have to make sure to repay the favour somehow.

A menacing chuckle sounded to his left, and instantly his features had hardened once more as he turned to face his remaining two adversaries, the adrenaline coursing through his veins nulling out the pain he felt moments ago.

Two Sableye were down already, which left the pair four enemies to fight, two on either side, not including Dusknoir. Glaring their opponents down would get them nowhere; they had to end this quickly. Time was running out.

The duo took their chance and lashed out, striking as one. Their blows landing direct hits on their enemies in perfect sync with each other, as if they had rehearsed this routine a thousand times beforehand. The boy putting his superior size and weight to good use as he pummelled into the Sableye with various kicks and punches, whilst his partner using his array of powerful grass type moves. They were most certainly a force to be reckoned with.

The Sableye hit the ground almost instantly, clearly unable to withstand the combined strength of the pair, murmuring painfully as they tried to get back on their feet. “Stubborn as always,” The boy sighed, rolling his eyes. He had to commend them for their unwillingness to go down, whether it was from fear or sheer stupidity was beyond him, but he could tell that they had no intention of giving in.


________

Dusknoir tapped his fingers impatiently, scowling as he watched the boy and his partner dispatch of his Sableye with ease. It didn’t come as much of a surprise to him; he had seen it happen countless times before, scarred by each and every failure the inadequacy of his subordinates had brought upon him.

However, these particular Sableye were among the best of the best. The Elite. Yet they were still disposed of faster than a horrible Christmas present. Clearly he had underestimated the partners. He would have to deal with them himself.

With a heavy sigh, he began to float towards the battlefield, paying no heed to his fallen ‘comrades’. His attention was fixed solely on his enemies.

“I sincerely hope you two have been enjoying yourselves with your little playmates here,” he stated simply, feigning amusement. “But I’m afraid playtime’s over for now, children. Time for ‘bed’, hope you don’t mind it if you find yourselves not waking up.”

The boy turned to face him, an almost amused grin appearing on his face. “You wouldn’t consider sending us off without story time, now would you?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” The ghost replied, moving to cross his arms in a relaxed sort of manner.

This movement on Dusknoir’s part caused the pair to tense up once more, preparing themselves for an attack. Their many encounters with him had forced them to expect something like this, but what came after was something they were completely unprepared for.

Dusknoir, seeing his enemies’ reactions, grinned playfully.

“So, who wishes to share first?”

EonMaster One
27th May 2012, 1:04 AM
Well...this was quite enthralling. Your description and grammar were just about pitch-perfect. There are only a couple of things that I would watch out for:

1.) When using numbers less than a hundred, you should write them out. "10" and "30" should be "ten" and "thirty", respectively...and so on and so forth.

2.) You seem to change perspective in the middle of the chapter, from the boy to Dusknoir. If you're going to do that, you should insert a scene break - maybe three lines of space, or something like that. It can get confusing when you're going along reading, following the boy's point of view...and then we're suddenly seeing the story from Dusknoir's eyes. Then it sort of switches back and forth, and since everyone's "he", it's even hard to know who's talking.

3.) I'm not sure about Dusknoir's characterization. Maybe it's characterized this way in PMD. I haven't played the games, so I wouldn't really know. But he seems talkative, prim, and almost flamboyant at times, which is not only strange, but doesn't quite fit well with the fact that Dusknoir has a 'deep' voice and his creepiness is played up in your description.

4.) Maybe this is just a preference thing, but it feels like there's a paragraph break every other sentence. I think you could compress it a bit.

5.) Usually, when you end a quote and follow it up with "X said" or "X 'whatever word you want to put here that describes verbal communication", the first word after the quote (unless it's a proper noun like a name) shouldn't be capitalized, and the quote - unless it ends with an exclamation point or a question mark, should end with a comma as opposed to a period.


That's all I've got for you for now. I'll be really interested to see where you go with this, and I hope you stay with it. Good work!

- ;196; EM1

Feenie
27th May 2012, 4:29 PM
Well...this was quite enthralling. Your description and grammar were just about pitch-perfect. There are only a couple of things that I would watch out for:

1.) When using numbers less than a hundred, you should write them out. "10" and "30" should be "ten" and "thirty", respectively...and so on and so forth.

2.) You seem to change perspective in the middle of the chapter, from the boy to Dusknoir. If you're going to do that, you should insert a scene break - maybe three lines of space, or something like that. It can get confusing when you're going along reading, following the boy's point of view...and then we're suddenly seeing the story from Dusknoir's eyes. Then it sort of switches back and forth, and since everyone's "he", it's even hard to know who's talking.

3.) I'm not sure about Dusknoir's characterization. Maybe it's characterized this way in PMD. I haven't played the games, so I wouldn't really know. But he seems talkative, prim, and almost flamboyant at times, which is not only strange, but doesn't quite fit well with the fact that Dusknoir has a 'deep' voice and his creepiness is played up in your description.

4.) Maybe this is just a preference thing, but it feels like there's a paragraph break every other sentence. I think you could compress it a bit.

5.) Usually, when you end a quote and follow it up with "X said" or "X 'whatever word you want to put here that describes verbal communication", the first word after the quote (unless it's a proper noun like a name) shouldn't be capitalized, and the quote - unless it ends with an exclamation point or a question mark, should end with a comma as opposed to a period.


That's all I've got for you for now. I'll be really interested to see where you go with this, and I hope you stay with it. Good work!

- ;196; EM1

Thank you for responding!

1) Okay, I'll make sure to keep that in mind. Thanks.

2) I see what you mean. I'll go back and edit that. Thanks for pointing it out.

3) In the games, Dusknoir does act in a fairly refined manner, from the way he speaks and such, so yes I suppose you could say he is prim. I didn't really intend for him to sound flamboyant though. I'm honestly not that good at characterisation, or writing in general. So yeah, I'll probably end up making a few hiccups here and there when portraying characters.

4) I know, I'm really bad for that. I really love paragraphs, and you might see that I love full stops and commas just as much.

5) That's something I always have trouble with. I can never seem to get it right. Oh well, I'll make sure to amend it and take your advice on-board for future reference.

Again, thank you for responding. I will try my best to stay with this fic. As I said earlier, Chapter 2 is under way. Shouldn't be too much longer until it's up (assuming school doesn't kill me)