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View Full Version : Dawn's Quilava -Poisoned?! [Rated U/Everyone]



Dawn and Piplup
4th June 2012, 2:56 PM
Hi, I was reading a fan fic and I was inspired to make my own. This is my first ever fan fic and I'm not an adult so I am not very good at writing so don't expect too much but please comment on how I can improve! I might make a few spelling mistakes so feel more than welcome to correct me. Please do not write mean stuff though.
It's rated everyone because it has no gore or swear words and no one dies -its focusing on how Dawn and Piplup try to make the ill Quilava better.



Chapter 1

Dawn stepped outside of the pokecentre and smiled. Today she was going to do some special training to help prepare for her first Hoenn contest in Slateport City. She laid down the pokemon food which she had bought from a strange guy in a black outfit yesterday. The pokemon food was apparently very tasty and helped improve a pokemon's perfomance in contests.
Dawn put her new fireseal on Quilava's pokeball and then threw it in the air. Quilava jumped happily out of its pokeball.

"Use flamethrower and then use swift!" Dawn commanded and laughed as the stars circled around the fire in the air.
Dawn stroked Quilava. "That was great," she said happily and fed him some of the pokemon food. She then turned to Piplup. "What did you think?" she asked him.

Piplup puffed his chest up and turned away. "Pi piplup, he said stubbornly. Quilava flashed Piplup an angry look and Piplup stuck his tongue out causing the two pokemon to break out into a fight.
Dawn seperated the pokemon by pushing them away with her hands.
"Won't you two ever get along?" she said with a sigh.

Piplup walked over to Dawn with watery eyes. Dawn smiled and sighed. Piplup had always been a drama queen but that didn't stop him from being cute. "It would be a great help if you could be a bit nicer to Quilava," she said kindly.
"Pi Piplup!" he replied, tapping his chest. Piplup walked over to Quilava and held out his hand but Quilava simply frowned and then walked over to Dawn. "Piplupp!" Piplup said crying and ran over to Dawn.
"Well what am I going to do with you two?" she said with a sigh. "Why don't we have a bit of a rest?"

Dawn walked over to a bench and sat down staring at Slateport City.
"Isn't it pretty?" she asked her two pokemon which nodded. Dawn put her hand on Piplup but when she placed it on Quilava, he collapsed.
"Quilava?!" Dawn screamed. She got off the bench an crouched down to Quilava. "Are you alright?" she asked him.

Quilava got up and looked Dawn in the eye. Dawn breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm glad your okay," she said to him. She beckoned Piplup to come to her by gesuring with her hands. Piplup obediantely came to Dawn and then stared at Quilava. Dawn faced Piplup.
"No need to worry," She told him. "I'm sure Quilava is okay."
Quilava continued staring at Dawn with a slightly threatening look on his face.
"Pi Piplup!" Piplup shouted, pointing hastingly at Quilava.
"What's wrong?" Dawn asked Piplup.
But Piplup had warned her too late.

Quilava charged into Dawn knocking her over and then fired a flame thrower at her. Dawn screamed before she was knocked out with the firey blow of his attack. However Quilava continued blinly attacking Dawn, as if he was tormented. Piplup jumped infront of his trainer and protected her from another flamethrower attack by countering it with bubblebeam. He then knocked Quilava out with hydro pump.

He ran over to the unconscious Dawn, shaking her in order to wake her up.





Something had controlled Quilava causing him to lash out at Dawn. To find out what happens next, please read the next chapter.
Thank you for reading! :)

Chibi_Muffin
4th June 2012, 6:26 PM
I think it's a bit short - chapters need to be at least a couple of pages in Word.

I noticed that there's not a lot of description going on as well. Describe the environment around them - is it a sunny day? Rainy? Is the town centre really busy? Is there a market going on? Etc. It will really enhance the atmosphere. For the attacks, you could actually describe what they look like, and in the case of the contest, how they are using it. For example, instead of the stars and flames surrounding Quilava, you could describe the colour of the flames, the stars sparkling, maybe comparing it to something. The battle scene at the end goes pretty quickly, you could tense it out by adding things like dodging and also how Dawn and Piplup feel. Also, instead of just saying the attack names e.g. Flamethrower and Hydro Pump, you could describe them e.g. a stream of fire or a sudden blast of icy water. That kind of thing.

Doing that should make your story longer and more interesting. Quilava and Dawn should also have a bit more personality. How are they feeling? Is there something going on? What are they doing for the contest? Met any new friends (Pokemon or human)?

A couple of minor things to finish off with. Firstly, the actual practice at the beginning is too short, perhaps a couple more techniques should be performed then - if there's a contest, they'll need to do lots of different things to impress the judges, right? Also, it's kind of REALLY obvious why Quilava is poisoned. If it's meant to be like that, fine, but if it isn't, try to tone down the obviousness. Like maybe use a flashback to the scene where she meets the guy.

Overall, an interesting story, but it needs to be fleshed out a bit more.

Dawn and Piplup
4th June 2012, 6:31 PM
I think it's a bit short - chapters need to be at least a couple of pages in Word.

I noticed that there's not a lot of description going on as well. Describe the environment around them - is it a sunny day? Rainy? Is the town centre really busy? Is there a market going on? Etc. It will really enhance the atmosphere. For the attacks, you could actually describe what they look like, and in the case of the contest, how they are using it. For example, instead of the stars and flames surrounding Quilava, you could describe the colour of the flames, the stars sparkling, maybe comparing it to something. The battle scene at the end goes pretty quickly, you could tense it out by adding things like dodging and also how Dawn and Piplup feel. Also, instead of just saying the attack names e.g. Flamethrower and Hydro Pump, you could describe them e.g. a stream of fire or a sudden blast of icy water. That kind of thing.

Doing that should make your story longer and more interesting. Quilava and Dawn should also have a bit more personality. How are they feeling? Is there something going on? What are they doing for the contest? Met any new friends (Pokemon or human)?

A couple of minor things to finish off with. Firstly, the actual practice at the beginning is too short, perhaps a couple more techniques should be performed then - if there's a contest, they'll need to do lots of different things to impress the judges, right? Also, it's kind of REALLY obvious why Quilava is poisoned. If it's meant to be like that, fine, but if it isn't, try to tone down the obviousness. Like maybe use a flashback to the scene where she meets the guy.

Overall, an interesting story, but it needs to be fleshed out a bit more.
Thank you very much for the advice, I will try to improve it according to your advice as well as add more description.
Thanks for reading by the way :)


Chapter 2
Dawn slowly got up from the cold floor. She looked at Piplup who breathed a sigh of releif. "Thanks for waking me up," she said to Piplup, even though she was looking at Quilava. Piplup sadly walked over to Dawn and she told him Quilava needed to go to the pokemon centre. Dawn got out her standard red and white pokeball and returned Quilava to it before running to the pokemon centre.

However, the building was crowded because many people had come to heal their pokemon after training for the upcoming pokemon contest. Dawn knew she should have waited in the queue but she didn't know what was going on with Quilava and how serious it could have been. She ran to the front of the queue, apologising to a few people who complained and dropped Quilava's pokeball on the table. She was about to speak when Nurse Joy turned to look at her.
"Dawn, you can't just push in like this," she said.
"Please Nurse Joy, something's really wrong with my Quilava!" Dawn said desperately.
Nurse Joy was used to pokemon emergances and unerstood the trainers normally got freaked out. She told Dawn to come with her a bit further into the pokecentre so they could get a bit more privacy. After they had reached the more empty room, she told Dawn to sit down. Nurse Joy then kindly asked Dawn to explain what had happened to Quilava and told her to call it out of its pokeball. Dawn very quietly sent Quilava out of his pokeball, without the same enthusiasm she normally had when she called out a pokemon. Her precious pokemon was coughing a lot with his eyes tightly closed and was clearly in a lot of pain. Piplup looked at Quilava and then at his depressed trainer and jumped on her lap in an attempt to try and cheer her up.

Dawn put her hand on Piplup and whispered him a thank you before finally speaking to Nurse Joy.
"I don't really know where to start, I was training with Quilava," she began before hastily adding "I didn't over train him!" Nurse Joy nodded to show she was listening.
"And then I fed Quilava some new pokemon food I bought from a..." Dawn's voice trailed off and she had an expression of pure horror on her face. "Oh gosh," she whispered.
"What is it?" Nurse Joy asked in a soft and gentle voice.
"I gave Quilava food I bought from a dodgy man -I bought poison for my own pokemon," Dawn said sadly. "How could I have been so silly?"
Piplup looked sadly at Dawn and cuddled her. He squeaked and tried to tell Dawn she was not silly and that she was a good trainer but Dawn burst into tears.

"Please don't cry, Dawn," Nurse Joy said, trying to reassure her. "Crying won't help -please try and keep calm."
Dawn nodded and wiped away a tear.
Nurse Joy sudenly turned more serious. "The same case had happened with two other trainers the other day and their pokemon had the same symptoms as Quilava," she said. Nurse Joy closed her eyes in thought. "I'd say your best bet is to get Quilava to the pokemon hospital, as I feel this case reaches beyond my knowledge. That's what I did with the other two trainers too."
Dawn nodded. "Where would I find this pokemon hospital?" she asked as she struggle to keep eye contact, catching glimpses at Quilava. It had always been hard to keep eye contact when a pokemon is ill.
Nurse Joy handed Dawn a map. "It's a two and a half hour walk, just go to the north part of the city and continue walking in that direction," Nurse Joy explained.
"You can't miss it," she then added.
Dawn thanked Nurse Joy before returning her Quilava to his pokeball. She put her pokeball in her bag, picked up Piplup, got up from the confortable blue chair on which she had been sitting on and left the pokemon centre with her hang low down.

She looked outside at Slateport City -it no longer seemed that special. Piplup once again looked up at her. Dawn felt panic rising in her and began to freak out.
"What if we don't get there in time or we lose our way?" she squealed. "What would happen if we don't find a cure or-"
Piplup looked at her angrily and gently used bubblebeam on her face. Dawn looked shocked and then for the first time since Quilava had been poisoned she almost smiled.
She remembered the last time Piplup had done that -when she was freaking out in the Wallace Cup. She remembered telling Piplup that she needed it and getting her confidence back. Dawn looked down at Piplup, who was still in her arms. "I needed that," she told him which caused him to smile. She took a deep breath and stood up high. She had to have confidence. She had to hope and beleive in herself, her pokemon and the hospital which she was heading for. After all, it was all she had that could heal Quilava.

Dawn put Piplup down. "Seriously, thanks a lot," she told him and petted his head. The small blue penguin puffed himself up with pride and gave Dawn a confident smile. Dawn paused. Suddenly, a brilliant idea popped in her head. "We don't need to go on a two and a half hour walk to the hospital," she told Piplup confidently. "Infact, we don't even need to walk there at all!" Piplup stared at her and turned his head, not understanding what she meant.

"Well come on, you're the one telling me to be confident!" Dawn said running into an open space before digging her hand into her bag.