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View Full Version : The Tale of Celebi [Short Story-PG]



aggiegwyn
7th June 2012, 4:15 PM
Author's Note: This is just a short story I wrote to help me get back into writing and for a contest on another forum. I'm not a huge fan of it to be honest, and I was wondering if you fellow writers out there to give me some pointers on what to do to improve, since I'm not so sure what to do beyond practice.


Left Behind


Do you ever wish you could go back? Do you ever think that if you could take just one moment, and do it over, everything would be better? Of course you do. Everyone does. Who wouldn’t want a second chance? Who wouldn’t want to have a second try at their lives? However coincidental, this was just what Lei was thinking when everything crashed.

You see, whenever she says everything crashed, she means it. On a highway, there isn’t much competition between a mini-van and a semi. It was winter and they were only traveling to visit relatives for the holidays. Lei was having an argument with her brother about the better starter. She liked Tepig, but he liked Snivy. It was pointless to argue with him, but she needed something to entertain her for the next few hours. She couldn’t really look out the window and daydream like she usually did, since the blizzard had covered the car window in snow. Her parents were having the same problem, except the windshield wipers were working on full steam, and the window was still getting covered in snow. They were driving slowly since the bridge was covered in ice. Her mother commented on the beauty as they were looking at the view of the famous Ilex Forest. Lei sighed, because again, she couldn’t see anything, and wiping her dark brown bangs out of her face didn’t help.

Suddenly though, Lei wasn’t so worried about the scenery. She heard a loud screeching sound, and suddenly she was falling, she could tell from the sick feeling in her stomach. She realized what was happening, and she knew that they were falling off the bridge into the frozen lake. They were in the middle of nowhere. With the temperature and isolation, they would never be found alive. This was it; her last moment. She expected to feel a giant thud, most likely causing her original wounds to deepen, but nothing happened.

She opened her eyes. She didn’t realize they were squinted shut. They say that before you die your entire life flashes before you, and time seems to stop. But Lei wasn’t so sure this was it. It literally seemed as though time had stopped, like from the stories about legendary Pokemon. She saw that no one else in the car shared the feeling, since it looked like they were frozen along with everything else.

Lei was shocked, and didn’t know what else to do than to get out of the car and inspect the situation. Maybe this was the afterlife. She didn’t really know. It was awkward getting out of the car, since it was upside down, she was able to unbuckle herself and use the handle without incredible difficulty. She was slightly relieved to see that there was ground beneath her feet, but was a little nervous, since it took the saying “on thin ice” to a literal standard. She stepped down carefully in her tennis shoes and stepped back to look at things.

She saw that the car was a few inches before hitting the ground. Her family looked terrified, as Lei imagined she did whenever falling. She couldn’t really make heads or tails of it. She had been so terrified of death, yet was ready to face it. Before everything just…stopped. She wiped the tears on her face since she had only just she noticed them from the cold feeling. She looked at the ground, not knowing what to think, when she noticed the ground was very dark. Like a shadow. Something was above her. She turned around, only to respond to the sight with a scream. Above her, the semi was only inches from her face. Half of it was off the bridge, half was on, but wouldn’t be for long as soon as the time was released. If it was released. It was right above the minivan. If the freezing temperatures and injuries from falling off a bridge didn’t kill her family, being crushed by a semi would.

Lei felt the tears rush down her face as the shock left, and the grief set in. She was left with a miracle and a curse at the same time. She could leave now, and whenever time was released again she would be safe from harm. However, no matter what she did, her family had their fate. She opened the door frantically, trying to drag out her mother first, then her father and brother. But they wouldn’t budge. It was as if they were stone statues, glued to the seats of the van.

“Don’t bother.” Lei jumped at the voice, since without time there was no sound, and she had been shocked by the interruption of the silence. She looked all around her, and only saw a figure in the sky. She couldn’t make it out, since the thing’s back was to the sun, leaving its face in shadow. It wasn’t human, it was too small. It might be a Pokemon, but it wasn’t like anything she had ever seen before.

“Who are you?” She asked, shielding her eyes from the sun as she looked at the figure. It flew down, and Lei recognized the face. Had she seen it from somewhere before? Maybe a story book? It was a green fairy like creature, and it floated so that it was only a few inches above her height. Lei looked up at the creature, wondering what it was doing here and why. Cold from the snow, she tightened the scarf around her neck.

“I’m the protector of the forest, Celebi. It’s my job to make sure this forest remains alive and healthy.” The Pokemon began. She recognized the name, it was from a storybook. She didn’t think they were real, just myths like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. However this moment made her swallow her previous opinion.

“I’ve been to the timeline where your family crashes before I can save you. The forest ends up completely tarnished by humans attempting to find your bodies. I’m trying to prevent that.”

Lei lifted up with joy. “So you’re going to save my family?”

The Pokemon’s face fell. “No. I cannot, because if I save them all, then your family ends up in trouble later.”

Lei stared at Celebi, not entirely sure what to believe.

“What?” she said, in a simple way of explaining her confusion.

“They end up getting accused for fraud. It’s hard to explain.” Celebi shook his head then sighed. Then he looked towards the girl and said, “Take my hand.”

Lei did so, hoping for some sort of magical explanation. Instead, the Pokemon lifted her up to the top of the bridge.

“I’m going to release time now, so when I do I need you-“ the Pokemon was interrupted.

“What?! No! You can’t just leave my family down there, I need them to be with me…” she paused, considering her decision, but not taking too much time. “Or I’ll go down with them.”

Celebi simply shook his head. “It can’t work either way, I’m afraid. If I rescue all of you it’s fraud and if I rescue none of you it’s destructive. I need to just rescue one, to be a worthy witness and proof of the accident, with no real need for an investigation. It’s perfect.” The Pokemon summed it up as though he were simply repeating the items off of a grocery list, with only a little sadness in his tone.

“No…” she said in a shaky tone as tears filled her eyes once more. “How can you not care about us? We’re just like you, what if it was your family?”

There was a pause, and Lei saw a major change in the expression of the pokemon. Suddenly, it's compassion and protective aura was gone. She saw his face twist into a cruel smile. The Celebi chuckled darkly. “I don’t have a family. My job is to protect the forest, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Goodbye, Leila Dennis.” She felt the rush of time come back as fresh snow hit her face and she felt something warm and wet dripping down her chest. Noise filled the hair as the minivan broke through the ice, with the semi soon following it. She watched as the two vehicles slowly drowned in the water, with salty tears creating a coating over her eyes. She looked at her shoulder and saw what was producing the warm wet stuff on her chest. A piece of glass was in her shoulder, causing it to bleed, leaving her previously white coat stained with blood. Her pale hands were already sticking from the blood that had dried already.

Exhausted, she lay on the ground, not knowing what to do. There wasn’t really a point in living anyways. She was an orphan, and the “protector” Pokemon had planned it all out. She wasn’t sure how long she lay on the side of the highway, waiting for something to happen, before she heard the sound of an engine. She saw the tires of a car screech and stop within a few feet of her. She didn’t have enough energy to speak, nor to point to the water. She listened to their worried tones while calling the authorities as she drifted into unconsciousness.

GalladeofSpades
7th June 2012, 5:20 PM
Here from the review game, and I'm actually glad I am.

This probably one of the saddest things I've ever read. The desperate scene of Lei trying to fish out the rest of her family before time restarts is just a massive TearJerker. It's also a bit dark. Who WOULDN'T want to see their entire family drowing in an lake while getting crushed by a semi. *sarcasm*

About the characters, I just like Lei for some reason. She reacted just accordingly to the situation. Celebi however, was a bit on the... how do I explain this... I felt like his personality was a bit rushed if you know what I mean.

I kind of felt there was little description on Lei. From what I just read, she has brown bangs and is wearing something for thw winter... I hope. You did a great job on scenery describing though.

The Tale of Celebi isn't really a good title for this, in my opinion. You're the author though, so whatever floats your boat, I'm okay with it.

All in all, this was pretty amazing, and you should feel ashamed for not being a fan of this. FOR SHAME AGGIEGWYN, FOR SHAME.

Pointers... Eh, try describing the characters a bit more next time. Everything else was fine by my standards.

aggiegwyn
7th June 2012, 6:31 PM
At first it wasn't going to be sad, but then it ended up being the ever-so repetitive story of the hero saving the people and leaving without a word. I felt like doing something more unusual, which ended up being twisted, I suppose.

Thank you, I enjoyed creating her. And you're right, thank you for pointing that out. When editing it again I noticed that he switched personalities very quickly, and I spent no time explaining what triggered it and how.

When writing I noticed that, but I couldn't seem to find the right points to describe her, until I finally shoved it away and decided to leave the bangs at that. But you're right, looking again I was able to put in some more description.

I'm thinking of current titles myself, to be honest, since whenever I was finished I was pretty disappointed with myself and just slapped the title on there. But I later realized it might cause some confusion since the story isn't really about Celebi, it's about Lei. So I'm currently juggling other ideas for titles.

Heheh, it sounds nice when you say it like that and when I used your suggestions to improve the story, but to be honest I really didn't like the original version and thought I could do better. So thank you for helping me with that. (and NOOOO SHAME! GO AWAY! I'M TRYING TO WRITE)


Thank you, and I'll certainly take all of these points into mind with my next tale.


EDIT: Changed the title to "Left Behind" because I think it describes the ending of the story the best.