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AndyBananny
9th June 2012, 8:18 PM
On Monday, September 5th, 2005, The Journey (http://www.marriland.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=10458) was created. It was a simple role play about a simple Pokemon adventure. Along the way I made some friends and a lot of memories. We lasted about five years and had a good run. Now it is my humble attempt to reenact those events in a much more simple way. This is for Sam, Luke, Ben, Chels, and Ross. I thank you all for taking me on this journey.


Chapter One
The Journey Begins

In the world of pokemon children travel the world without parental supervision to collect pokemon and fight people for no apparent reason.

New Bark Town is a place of new beginnings.

"Hi Professor Elm! I'm Andy Hodges from Azalea Town and I'm here to get my first Pokemon. I wanna be a trainer, but I will most likely get bored and become a coordinator. It doesn't matter though because my parents are losing the ranch due to an important plot point, involving the legendary pokemon Celebi, that will never be mentioned again. So as long as I'm gone they don't care what I do."

"What?" Professor Elm checked his Facebook. "Yow! This tea is hot." The professor set his tea down.

"I'm here for my pokemon." Andy tugged on his blue scarf. His blue scarf was an important part of character development.

"Wait for the others." Said the professor.

"The others?" Andy inquired.

"Hi. I'm Bryan." Bryan was a dork.

"And I'm Adria." Adria was the most beautiful girl Andy had ever seen, but he'd only seen one girl so far.

"Okay!" Professor Elm yelled. "Mr. Pokemon just tweeted on Twitter about a mysterious egg. You three have to go check it out since I'm giving away pokemon."

"I pick Cyndaquil." Bryan said. Only dorks choose fire types.

"I choose Totodile for no apparent reason." Adria yawned.

"Then I get Chikorita!" Andy exclaimed.

Chikortia was melodramatic and popped out of her pokeball. She bumped into the table and got the professor's tea all over her. It burned pretty bad so she jumped out the window.

"Oh no!" Andy cried. "Looks like my journey begins."

But it didn't. When Andy got outside a Fearow almost killed him. Luckily, Bryan found Chikorita and took her to Cherrygrove's pokemon center. That's where Andy was hospitalized.

That Adria girl eventually showed up too.

"I think it would be best to travel in numbers to prevent certain death." Adria reasoned.

"I like that idea." Agreed Bryan. What a dork.

"I don't think Chikorita likes me." Andy woke up out of a drug induced coma.

"Maybe you should enter in a volley ball contest just to be sure." Bryan suggested.

"That doesn't make any sense." Adria was talking like a girl. "Andy, what you need to do is express your feelings toward Chikorita so she'll understand." That was some pretty boring girl advice.

"Volley ball it is!"

Just then an old man poked his head into the infirmary.

"Hi! I'm Mr. Pokemon! I just visited Professor Elm so you three don't have to! Okay! Bye now!"

So they played in a volley ball tournament and Chikorita almost died. Andy had to admit he wasn't that good of a pokemon trainer. He'd only been at it for a few paragraphs.

Later that night on a spooky road...

"Andy it hasn't even been a full day and you almost got killed! Then your Chikorita nearly died twice! Do you still wonder why Chikorita doesn't like you?"

"Yeah. Beats me." Andy sighed.

A Zubat flew into his face.

"Ah! Get it off me!"

"No. Catch it." Bryan was such a dork.

So Andy caught it.

Adria, being a girl, was pretty upset so she caught a Noctowl.

"Hey you sounded pretty upset." A sixteen year old boy stepped out of some nearby bushes. He wore a varsity jacket. That made him and Adria instant rivals. He had a pet dog at his side. "Hi my name is Ben. My parents were murdered by an evil organization called Team Rocket when I was a kid. Then my big sister left to go on a journey, which left me forced to take care of myself and my growlithe. I nicknamed my growlithe Growly because I thought it was pretty innovative. Anyways can I join your gang?"

"I didn't know we were part of a gang." Bryan pushed up his glasses. All dorks wear glasses.

"No. Go away. I hate you." Adria insisted.

"Okay that's cool." Ben reasoned. "Listen, I know you all are only thirteen years old and I am sixteen years old. Also you just started your journey and I have years of experience with Growly. However your Totodile does have type advantage even if you've never battled. So I challenge you. If I win I get to come. If you win I will go away."

"You're on!" Adria was supposed to be the smart one.

"And I win because I'm Ben." Ben won the fight. It was a pretty logical reason.

Just then an Oddish walked by.

"Hey Oddish you wanna join my team?" Ben asked.

"Oddish?" Oddish said because pokemon can only say their names.

"Because I'm Ben." Ben caught Oddish. Then a Gastly floated by. "Hey yo Gastly? Wanna be on my team so I can read people's minds. I'll be like Chris Angel Mind Freak."

"Gastly?" Gastly was aghast.

"Because I'm Ben." Ben caught Gastly. "So let's go chill out at my uncle's house now. All this catching pokemon can wear a guy out. By the way my uncle is Mr. Pokemon." It made since after all because this was Ben.

Once they made it to Mr. Pokemon's house, Mr. Pokemon knew Chikorita still hated Andy.

"My name is Mr. Pokemon because I am a pokemon expert. I am also an expert of talk shows and nothing brings a girl closer to her man than a good staged fight."

"But I don't want to be her lover just her friend." Andy explained.

"Shut up and do as I say!"

So they all staged a fight like Mr. Pokemon said. Chikorita became infatuated with Andy because all girls were pretty insecure.

The next morning Mr. Pokemon waved good bye. "Okay you kids have fun on your adventure now."

"Okay! Thanks Uncle! I'm gonna go to Voilet City now and get a gym badge. Bye."

"I really hate that guy." Adria muttered.

"Oh well." Andy smiled. "At least he's got a nice jacket."


Chapter Two
Roses are Red, Violet City is Not
In the world of Pokemon one must always be ready to accept a challenge.

"Hi! My name is Timmy and this is my twin brother, Tommy. We saw you four walking around aimlessly, and were wondering if you needed help finding Voilet City?"

"Of course! Yes! We will battle you!"

"But I wasn't asking---"

"Shut up and fight!"

Even when you're Ben you can never be too careful.

"And I win because I'm Ben."

"Is he really going to use that as his catchphrase throughout the entire series?" Adria used Headbutt on a tree.

"I sure hope so." Andy delighted. "It's starting to catch on."

"Cyndaquil find the Voilet City Pokemon Center because I'm Bryan!" Yelled the dork. He definitely wasn't Ben, but it was good enough for a scene transition.

At the Voilet City Pokemon Center Andy found a Pokemon Contest flier. It talked about ribbons and fashion and all kinds of girly stuff.

"Dude! I've got to enter this!" He told everyone.

Adria thought contests were for girls. "Andy, contests are for girls."

"Whatever! I'm going to prove to you all that men can be just as good at something as girls! Come on Bryan, let's go."

"But I don't want to degrade my manhood any further." He was already the dork of the group.

"Bryan you lost that privilege when you chose Cyndaquil as your starter." That was a solid argument. One Bryan could not contend with.

The two boys left and walked into the Pokemon School by mistake. It was because Andy was too lazy to read road signs. Bryan would've stopped him, but dorks really enjoy school.

"Welcome to the Pokemon School!" Said the lady teacher. "Where you go to school to learn about Pokemon!"

"Wait a minute! This isn't a contest!" Andy realized.

"Too late! You're already here. You can't leave until class is over." The teacher lectured. Andy didn't know if this was true or not, but he wasn't enough of a man to question authority. Seriously, what guy wants to enter contests?

Bryan loved learning! "A Paralyze Heal cures a Pokemon that is paralyzed, but what cures a Pokemon that is asleep?"

Meanwhile Ben and Adria were walking around the city.

"So do you think we should go cheer Andy on at the contest?" Adria was struggling with acceptance.

"Of course not." Ben wasn't.

"It's just that--- Ouch!" Adria fell flat on her face. "Who puts basketball sized rocks in the middle of the road?!"

"That's not just any basketball sized rock! That's a! That's a!"

"Geodude." Geodude beautifully sang.

"Okay. I'm gonna catch it." Adria back flipped. "Hiya! Totodile use Water Gun!"

Totodile produced a toy gun that squirted water. Geodude didn't stand a chance.

"Sweet! Now I have three Pokemon!" It dawned on her. "You have three Pokemon too! Let's battle again Ben!"

But Adria forgot that fainted Pokemon aren't that good at battling. So she lost again.

"Well I thought you were smart, but it's obvious you need some schooling. Let's go check out the Pokemon School." Ben inspired Adria to get a better education.

However the education was terrible. Turns out the teacher was really a member of Team Rocket and she put everyone to sleep, including Bryan and Andy!

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Being an evil member of the evil organization Team Rocket is so much fun. We like to steal Pokemon from sleeping children."

"Shut up Ron. You are so stupid. You're going to blow our cover." Said the lady teacher.

"Okay Roxie! I will try to maniacally laugh a little softer next time." Apologized her counterpart.

"Maniacally laugh somewhere else!" Ben roared like a Luxray. Luxray aren't native to Johto, but they are good roarers. "You two are members of the evil organization Team Rocket that killed my parents. You need to leave now!"

"You're not supposed to be here." Adria warned.

"I don't even play Skyrim, but it sounds like they mean business." Ron said nervously. "Let's get out of here Roxie!"

And the two Team Rocket members blasted off for the very first time.

"Wow. That was a good roar." Andy complemented Ben.

"It was Antidote wasn't it?!" Bryan questioned.

"Look, I don't know what that dork is talking about, but I need to get a Zephyr Badge." Adria was being indignant.

"Me too!" Ben agreed. "Let's go fight Falkner."

"No," Andy sobbed. "It was Awakening you fool! Awakening!"


Chapter 3
Badges, Towers, and Nothing Else! Oh My!
Another tip for traveling in the Pokemon World; always carry breath mints. You never know when you'll be able to brush your teeth again.

"Falkner! I challenge you to a Gym Battle!" Adria hopscotched into the building. She had almost mastered double dutch, but this was not a jump rope competition.

"Yeah! What she said!" Ben popped his varsity letterman's jacket's collar. It was pretty impressive.

"Very well." Falkner brushed a hand through his emo hair. He was almost as cool as Sasuke Uchiha off of Naruto Shippuden, but not as gay. Both trainers could tell he was an elite ninja.

"Hey where's Andy?" Bryan giggled, which was inappropriate. Dorks tend to snort rather than giggle.

Halfway across town, in a tower shaped like a Bellsprout, was Andy.

"Aha! I see! So this must be Bellsprout Tower. It all makes sense because its a tower and its shaped like a Bellsprout." Andy wasn't used to using deductive reasoning. "I'm so glad I'm not watching Adria or Ben's battle, and being a supportive friend offering encouragement and advice, but more importantly being able to listen. That's all anybody really wants in life is to be listened to and feel understood. But I am not doing that because they did not do that for me! So I am enjoying being indifferent! Lalala! Yippee!"

"Hey you kid! Stop being so indifferent!" An old monk guy shouted.

"But Old Monk Guy, my friends think it's wrong to want to enter Pokemon Contests just because I'm a boy."

"It is wrong, and that dainty blue scarf ain't helping any! Now go back and apologize to your friends, Fruitcake!"

"But my name's not Fruitcake, its Andy Hodges." Andy had an epiphany. "That's it! I understand everything now! Nobody likes fruitcakes, but they're still given away as Christmas presents to close friends. So like an unwanted gift, I too must give myself to my friends and reconcile our differences. Thank you so much for all you're help Old Monk Guy! I love you!"

"Man!" Old Munk Guy sighed with relief when the boy left. "What a fruitcake."

Back at the gym.

"Ah snap! I forgot to heal my Pokemon at the Pokemon Center." Adria thought out loud. "Geodude is still useless."

"Yeah. My dad's bird Pokemon are pretty cool." Falkner complimented Pidgey. Pidgey blushed and updated it's Facebook status.

"Well my dad is Lance the Dragon Champion so ha! Take that!" Adria sent out her Noctowl.

"O RLY?" Noctowl used an internet meme. Even though Pidgey was already on the internet, an internet meme was too much for it. Facebook updates are one thing, but trolling was just super effective.

"Wow. I must admit I did not know you're father was Lance, or that you're Noctowl was powerful enough to use a meme." Falkner wiped some splattered blood from his lips. "I have underestimated you because you're a girl, but now I see where I erred. Pidgeotto, let's show her how fly we really are!"

Pidgeotto flew onto the scene with a chain gold necklace and shades. You can't get much more fly than that.

Adria hesitated. She wasn't used to making difficult decisions. "Noctowl do you know any other internet memes?" But Noctowl was still recovering from using O RLY? It had drained a lot of stamina.

"Dang it!" Ben grimaced. "She can't take much more---"

"Pidgeotto," Falkner was smooth and calm. Fan girls get hot over that stuff. "Falcon Punch."

Noctowl crumpled to the ground in a heap. It was done. Adria released Totodile because it all she had left.

"Hey! Hey Totodile!" Bryan taunted on the sidelines. Dorks are annoying. "You know why alligators are so ornery? Because they have all them teeth and no toothbrushes!"

Totodile went into a complete rage and Adria won the Zephyr Gym Badge.

"Now it's my turn." Ben declared. "Because I'm Ben!"

Just then Oddish evolved into Gloom and used High Jump Kick on Falkner's face.

"How is that even legitimate?" Falkner gathered his remaining teeth off the ground.

Then the doors exploded off the hinges.

"I'm here to challenge you to a Gym Battle, Falkner! Oh--- and reconcile differences between my friends." Andy waved at his friends.

"Wait. You all know each other?" Falkner processed. "Okay! Everybody take a badge and get before I call the cops! Gah! Father is going to kill me!" The emo ninja squawked as he applied caulking to the doors.

Nobody wanted to spend the night in jail. So the gang fled town and continued their journey.

Kutie Pie
9th June 2012, 10:07 PM
Um... okay...

Before I say anything, even though I don't know you, I have to say welcome back to Serebii. I know nothing of this role-play you've done with some friends, but I imagine you did have a ton of fun. So I see no harm in writing out the role-play as a fanfic.

Now, let me say that the size and color fonts you chose probably weren't the best choices, mainly the color font. For one thing, I was reading it on the default skin, and it hurt my eyes to look at. It didn't help the text is pretty dang small. Normally, this can be hand-waved as a stylistic choice, but please refrain from changing the color in the future, especially since many people here have different skin formats and some of them may not be able to see it without highlighting.

Second, you have multiple chapters in one post. No, you don't do that. If a chapter is too short, then it won't hurt to add more to it until it reaches the requirement. And this is if you leave the size font alone. And either way, your chapters are long enough to be in their own post, so there shouldn't have been a reason why these three chapters are together as such.

Now I'll be honest with you: this was hard to read. Not because of what I've pointed out, but because of how you're telling the story. Take this for instance:


In the world of pokemon children travel the world without parental supervision to collect pokemon and fight people for no apparent reason.

New Bark Town is a place of new beginnings.

Um... okay?

Is this supposed to be a parody of sorts? I can see you're abridging the journey, but I don't think you should abridge it like this. We need written sentences of descriptions and not being told something we already know about New Bark Town. Why not add on to why it's a place of new beginnings? Or better yet, show us what the town looks like, and how it feels to live there?

Now these two paragraphs...


"Hi Professor Elm! I'm Andy Hodges from Azalea Town and I'm here to get my first Pokemon. I wanna be a trainer, but I will most likely get bored and become a coordinator. It doesn't matter though because my parents are losing the ranch due to an important plot point, involving the legendary pokemon Celebi, that will never be mentioned again. So as long as I'm gone they don't care what I do."


"I'm here for my pokemon." Andy tugged on his blue scarf. His blue scarf was an important part of character development.

A-A-And here's where my issue comes in with these two paragraphs.

Do not tell us about plot points and important elements.

If you want to do a parody, fine, but please don't explicitly tell us its importance. We don't need to be told it's an important part of character development. If you come back to it in (usually exaggerated in parodies) descriptions of actions and all that, then we can come to our own conclusions that this scarf is important to this character. Don't treat the audience like morons, please.

There is a phrase called “show, don't tell”. Basically, you let description take its toll instead of having a character blatantly telling us what's going on. You tend to "tell" us a lot instead of "showing", which is more preferable.

Moving on.


"Wait for the others." Said the professor.

"The others?" Andy inquired.

"Hi. I'm Bryan." Bryan was a dork.

"And I'm Adria." Adria was the most beautiful girl Andy had ever seen, but he'd only seen one girl so far.

Where the heck did they come from? Instead of having them pop in all of a sudden, why not lampshade it? Call attention to the oddness of them popping into a laboratory improperly.

And don't tell us Bryan is a dork. You keep telling us this over and over again, and it got old and annoying VERY fast.




"Oh no!" Andy cried. "Looks like my journey begins."

But it didn't. When Andy got outside a Fearow almost killed him. Luckily, Bryan found Chikorita and took her to Cherrygrove's pokemon center. That's where Andy was hospitalized.

That Adria girl eventually showed up too.

Oh good Lord, the absence of transitions is killing my braincells. This is not how proper parodies work. You can call attention to how odd it was it took them a short time to get from New Bark Town to Cherrygrove while you are showing Andy getting mauled by a Fearow while they're looking for Chikorita.


"I think it would be best to travel in numbers to prevent certain death." Adria reasoned.

"I like that idea." Agreed Bryan. What a dork.

And it's going to get worse from here...


"I don't think Chikorita likes me." Andy woke up out of a drug induced coma.

"Maybe you should enter in a volley ball contest just to be sure." Bryan suggested.

"That doesn't make any sense." Adria was talking like a girl.

Okay, see there? You had a character bring attention to it by saying it doesn't make sense. However, you spoiled a good joke, so it falls flat. It's not enough to have a character tell us, you have to show us this as well.


Just then an old man poked his head into the infirmary.

"Hi! I'm Mr. Pokemon! I just visited Professor Elm so you three don't have to! Okay! Bye now!"

Remember when I pointed out how Bryan and Adria showed up out of nowhere? Well, you at least had Mr. Pokémon poke his head in, but that doesn't help the scene any. You could've lampshaded this again by having the characters stare at the man questionably or something.


So they played in a volley ball tournament and Chikorita almost died. Andy had to admit he wasn't that good of a pokemon trainer. He'd only been at it for a few paragraphs.

That was pointless. At least they went ahead with volley ball, but why did Chikorita almost die? Did they use it as the ball or what? You need description for this very reason, because I'm lost.


A Zubat flew into his face.

"Ah! Get it off me!"

"No. Catch it." Bryan was such a dork.

So Andy caught it.

Okay, that would've been funny had you knocked it off with reminding us Bryan is a dork, and you showed us how Andy caught it. Perhaps he caught it with his backpack?


"Hey you sounded pretty upset." A sixteen year old boy stepped out of some nearby bushes. He wore a varsity jacket. That made him and Adria instant rivals. He had a pet dog at his side. "Hi my name is Ben. My parents were murdered by an evil organization called Team Rocket when I was a kid. Then my big sister left to go on a journey, which left me forced to take care of myself and my growlithe. I nicknamed my growlithe Growly because I thought it was pretty innovative. Anyways can I join your gang?"

...

...is this a Gary Stu?

And why give us exposition for no freakin' reason? You. Don't. Do. This.


"I didn't know we were part of a gang." Bryan pushed up his glasses. All dorks wear glasses.

*strangles the dork joke* There, it's dead. Now it's sorta funny.


"Okay that's cool." Ben reasoned. "Listen, I know you all are only thirteen years old and I am sixteen years old. Also you just started your journey and I have years of experience with Growly. However your Totodile does have type advantage even if you've never battled. So I challenge you. If I win I get to come. If you win I will go away."

"You're on!" Adria was supposed to be the smart one.

"And I win because I'm Ben." Ben won the fight. It was a pretty logical reason.

Uh, no. Ben doesn't win because he said so. You need to show us how this was pretty logical instead of telling us it is and expecting us to hand-wave it.


Just then an Oddish walked by.

"Hey Oddish you wanna join my team?" Ben asked.

"Oddish?" Oddish said because pokemon can only say their names.

"Because I'm Ben." Ben caught Oddish. Then a Gastly floated by. "Hey yo Gastly? Wanna be on my team so I can read people's minds. I'll be like Chris Angel Mind Freak."

"Gastly?" Gastly was aghast.

"Because I'm Ben." Ben caught Gastly. "So let's go chill out at my uncle's house now. All this catching pokemon can wear a guy out. By the way my uncle is Mr. Pokemon." It made since after all because this was Ben.

OH GOD MORE BAD JOKES!

I don't want to be told he's Ben, I get it! He's Ben! He's a Gary Stu! Everything he says is the law! Stop! Telling! Us!


"My name is Mr. Pokemon because I am a pokemon expert. I am also an expert of talk shows and nothing brings a girl closer to her man than a good staged fight."

"But I don't want to be her lover just her friend." Andy explained.

"Shut up and do as I say!"

So they all staged a fight like Mr. Pokemon said. Chikorita became infatuated with Andy because all girls were pretty insecure.

This could've been funny had you taken the time to show us this staged fight and whether-or-not it was staged like a talk show. Stop expecting us to piece everything together with the little pieces we have.



"Okay! Thanks Uncle! I'm gonna go to Voilet City now and get a gym badge. Bye."

"I really hate that guy." Adria muttered.

"Oh well." Andy smiled. "At least he's got a nice jacket."

AH HA HA HA HA--that's not funny.

And why'd you misspell "Violet"? I'm saying this right now: you misspelled it like "Voilet" for no apparent reason. And yet there's this:



Chapter Two
Roses are Red, Violet City is Not

Hypocritical much?

And you know the best part? No one corrects them.


"Hi! My name is Timmy and this is my twin brother, Tommy. We saw you four walking around aimlessly, and were wondering if you needed help finding Voilet City?"

"Of course! Yes! We will battle you!"

"But I wasn't asking---"

"Shut up and fight!"

Even when you're Ben you can never be too careful.

"And I win because I'm Ben."

"Is he really going to use that as his catchphrase throughout the entire series?" Adria used Headbutt on a tree.

"I sure hope so." Andy delighted. "It's starting to catch on."

If Ben was speaking to the twins (whom we're never gonna see again, mind you), why didn't you say so? And while I am Headbutting on a tree myself, THANK YOU for lampshading it. But you only did this once, and that's not satiable enough.


"Cyndaquil find the Voilet City Pokemon Center because I'm Bryan!" Yelled the dork. He definitely wasn't Ben, but it was good enough for a scene transition.

Okay, I'll give you that. That kinda worked. Doesn't mean it wasn't good, though.


At the Voilet City Pokemon Center Andy found a Pokemon Contest flier. It talked about ribbons and fashion and all kinds of girly stuff.

"Dude! I've got to enter this!" He told everyone.

Adria thought contests were for girls. "Andy, contests are for girls."

"Whatever! I'm going to prove to you all that men can be just as good at something as girls! Come on Bryan, let's go."

"But I don't want to degrade my manhood any further." He was already the dork of the group.

"Bryan you lost that privilege when you chose Cyndaquil as your starter." That was a solid argument. One Bryan could not contend with.

Okay, the joke is better here, but I wish you had more description in here. I don't just want their dialogue, I want some action in there.


The two boys left and walked into the Pokemon School by mistake. It was because Andy was too lazy to read road signs. Bryan would've stopped him, but dorks really enjoy school.

*murders the dork joke again*

Please stop reminding us! Visual puns are enough!


"Welcome to the Pokemon School!" Said the lady teacher.

"Lady teacher" is not an acceptable description. Just say "said the teacher, whom was a woman" and leave it be.


Bryan loved learning! "A Paralyze Heal cures a Pokemon that is paralyzed, but what cures a Pokemon that is asleep?"

At least you didn't mention he's a dork, but don't tell us he loves learning. Just show him being excited and raising his hand a lot or something.



"That's not just any basketball sized rock! That's a! That's a!"

Write it as "That's a... that's a..." and leave it at that. It make it look like you forgot the noun both times.


"Okay. I'm gonna catch it." Adria back flipped. "Hiya! Totodile use Water Gun!"

Totodile produced a toy gun that squirted water. Geodude didn't stand a chance.

*insert happy image here*

YES! Visual puns! That's what we need! See how much it works?


However the education was terrible. Turns out the teacher was really a member of Team Rocket and she put everyone to sleep, including Bryan and Andy!

Bad transitioning there. And the reveal would've been so much better had you shown us what was going on in class and how it came to this.


"Ha! Ha! Ha! Being an evil member of the evil organization Team Rocket is so much fun. We like to steal Pokemon from sleeping children."

"Shut up Ron. You are so stupid. You're going to blow our cover." Said the lady teacher.

"Okay Roxie! I will try to maniacally laugh a little softer next time." Apologized her counterpart.

Um... where'd the other guy come from?


"I don't even play Skyrim, but it sounds like they mean business." Ron said nervously. "Let's get out of here Roxie!"

What does Skyrim have anything to do with this? Granted, I haven't played it, but I don't know exactly what the joke was supposed to be about.


And the two Team Rocket members blasted off for the very first time.

How, exactly? And are you suggesting they got away with something?


"Wow. That was a good roar." Andy complemented Ben.

"It was Antidote wasn't it?!" Bryan questioned.

"Look, I don't know what that dork is talking about, but I need to get a Zephyr Badge." Adria was being indignant.

"Me too!" Ben agreed. "Let's go fight Falkner."

"No," Andy sobbed. "It was Awakening you fool! Awakening!"

...what's the joke, here? Was the roar supposed to be Awakening, or what? You must've missed a few lines, or, I dunno, description.


Another tip for traveling in the Pokemon World; always carry breath mints. You never know when you'll be able to brush your teeth again.

A-A-And this is never exactly brought up again that makes me care about the tip.


"Falkner! I challenge you to a Gym Battle!" Adria hopscotched into the building. She had almost mastered double dutch, but this was not a jump rope competition.

That... doesn't flow very well...


"Very well." Falkner brushed a hand through his emo hair. He was almost as cool as Sasuke Uchiha off of Naruto Shippuden, but not as gay.

I would've laughed, but the joke fell flat. And I don't know why you're having random anime and social media references in this story, but it doesn't exactly help the flow of the story.


"Hey where's Andy?" Bryan giggled, which was inappropriate. Dorks tend to snort rather than giggle.

*murders the dork joke again*

*eye twitches* Almost done, KP...


"Aha! I see! So this must be Bellsprout Tower. It all makes sense because its a tower and its shaped like a Bellsprout." Andy wasn't used to using deductive reasoning. "I'm so glad I'm not watching Adria or Ben's battle, and being a supportive friend offering encouragement and advice, but more importantly being able to listen. That's all anybody really wants in life is to be listened to and feel understood. But I am not doing that because they did not do that for me! So I am enjoying being indifferent! Lalala! Yippee!"

Ehh... maybe if I continue reading the scenario...


"Hey you kid! Stop being so indifferent!" An old monk guy shouted.

"But Old Monk Guy, my friends think it's wrong to want to enter Pokemon Contests just because I'm a boy."

"It is wrong, and that dainty blue scarf ain't helping any! Now go back and apologize to your friends, Fruitcake!"

"But my name's not Fruitcake, its Andy Hodges." Andy had an epiphany. "That's it! I understand everything now! Nobody likes fruitcakes, but they're still given away as Christmas presents to close friends. So like an unwanted gift, I too must give myself to my friends and reconcile our differences. Thank you so much for all you're help Old Monk Guy! I love you!"

"Man!" Old Munk Guy sighed with relief when the boy left. "What a fruitcake."

Mmm... it's... okay. Wish it had a better flow to it, and perhaps more breathing time.


"Ah snap! I forgot to heal my Pokemon at the Pokemon Center." Adria thought out loud. "Geodude is still useless."

Okay, I have to admit, pointing out they hadn't visited the Pokémon Center and thus her Pokémon are still weak is kinda clever.


"Well my dad is Lance the Dragon Champion so ha! Take that!" Adria sent out her Noctowl.

And my credibility for Adria went out the window. Just bringing this up out of nowhere without any build-up ruined the character for me. You could've given her some draconic name to help if you weren't going to hint that she has a famous father. (Unless Adria is a draconic name, but it sounds like she has a sky-related name.)


Falkner wiped some splattered blood from his lips. "I have underestimated you because you're a girl, but now I see where I erred. Pidgeotto, let's show her how fly we really are!"

Pidgeotto flew onto the scene with a chain gold necklace and shades. You can't get much more fly than that.

Perhaps if you got rid of the last sentence, it would've hit home more...


"Pidgeotto," Falkner was smooth and calm. Fan girls get hot over that stuff. "Falcon Punch."

Noctowl crumpled to the ground in a heap. It was done. Adria released Totodile because it all she had left.

You should've showed us the Falcon Punch.


"Hey! Hey Totodile!" Bryan taunted on the sidelines. Dorks are annoying. "You know why alligators are so ornery? Because they have all them teeth and no toothbrushes!"

Totodile went into a complete rage and Adria won the Zephyr Gym Badge.

Again, this could've worked had you shown us the action and the events leading up to said-action. I don't want to be told Totodile went into a rage, I want to see him rage.


"Now it's my turn." Ben declared. "Because I'm Ben!"

*le sigh* You know, I wouldn't have minded this so much if it was done sparingly and more cleverly.


Just then Oddish evolved into Gloom and used High Jump Kick on Falkner's face.

"How is that even legitimate?" Falkner gathered his remaining teeth off the ground.

Thanks for pointing it out, Falkner, but it still falls flat.


"Wait. You all know each other?" Falkner processed. "Okay! Everybody take a badge and get before I call the cops! Gah! Father is going to kill me!" The emo ninja squawked as he applied caulking to the doors.

Nobody wanted to spend the night in jail. So the gang fled town and continued their journey.

Um... okay...

So... yeah. Now that I look back at this, it's kinda decent. You got slightly better as you went on, but the beginning's really weak, which isn't the best thing in the world if you want to attract readers.

I know it's hard to write at least decent parody, but when it comes to parodies in this medium, visuals are the most important. The dialogue helps, but we must always have a visual pun to accompany the dialogue, or at least without the dialogue. You've had some good visual puns here and there, but they're so scarce, it's hard to point them out without going through the story over again at a closer look, and with the way it looks, very few people are going to bother doing that. So I suggest you spend more thought on showing us the scenes instead of pointing them out in one or two short sentences, or even having a character telling us.

And also, please do not combine multiple chapters into one post again. The chapters are long enough to have their own individual posts, though you can't post them all at once. You have to give it at least twenty-four hours before updating.

And also, no more small white text in the future (actually, just get rid of the white text in editing anyway). Just leave it at the default, you'll save more eyeballs that way.

Psychic
9th June 2012, 10:32 PM
As KP said, please just use the standard font colour and style, and split your post up so there is only one chapter per post. And yes, try actually describing what people are doing instead of just saying "So Andy caught it" - describe what he did to catch it, how he was acting, and how the Zubat was acting.

Please also be sure to read the Fan Fiction Rules.

~Psychic