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View Full Version : Aquatic Freedom (One shot)



ChloboShoka
11th June 2012, 6:52 PM
Title: Aquatic Freedom
Rating: PG
Genre: Pokemon POV
Notes: This was my entry for Ysavvryl's one-shot contest (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?563850-Tall-Tales-Fish-Stories-and-Whoppers-a-One-Shot-Contest!), which I got 4th place for.


“A clamperl slams its shell closed on prey to prevent escape. The pearl it creates upon evolution is said to be infused with a mysterious energy. .” - Data Entry in Emerald

This story is based on my experience in playing Emerald when I encountered by first 3rd gen shiny. I had defeated a level 20 clamperl and then it followed by a level 35 shiny clamperl. I've never really used or thought of Clamperl that much before. My shiny Clamperl has been nicknamed Hollow. I was listening to a lot of songs by Björk when I was playing so that's why Hollow and her siblings have been nicknamed after songs by Björk. The previous clamperl as played by Oceania, was killed off by Perish song and got hit by a body slam. My Lapras was only level 25 and it was bred, and it took me 2 dive balls to catch Hollow. I made no effort to catch Oceania. In the game it would have been impossible for Crystalline to evolve into a huntail and Hollow's parents should still be clamperls. Hallow was sent to the PC after I caught it. Oceania has fainted. Hollow will probably never know what else will happen to her as Hollow is in my PC.

Moonlight sparkled on the top of the ocean floor. It was time for everyone to swim home. My sister, Crystalline had evolved into a huntail. She had been floating around the seaweed, flashing her teeth. She looked down on me, biting away the seaweed that covered me. It was one of her bad habits. The rest of the fish didn't seem to mind about Crystalline's obsession to seaweed, but I wish she wouldn't eat it all.

I found harmony in the seaweed. I can hide in here were they can't catch me. My ancestors told me that I must choose between the scale or the tooth. They want me to choose before I am caught by the strange nets.

“Choose before a human chooses for you.”

They spoke of these humans as if they were planned to cause harm on us.

I've heard they look just like the mermaids, but only without the fins. How does that work? How do they move and swim above the ocean top. Father was once in their hands. He said that he was thrown back into the sea after losing a fight with a wailord. The bottom of this ocean floor was where he met Mother. She was a gorebyss, unlike Father. She supported Father, even after he recovered from being caught and abandoned.

I've never seen a human before. From what Father has told about them, I would not like to meet one; they seem to be mischievous folks. My parents explained that the humans would be looking for relicanths, and there were not any here. So they never come again. What I don't understand is that if the humans don't come any more, why do they still try to wrap me around their fins? I have other brothers and sisters, but my parents are lenient on them. Is this because they are normal? Or is it because I am the eldest of the family and expect more than me?

My shell was a dark shade of purple, My face was gold. Mermaids would stop and stare which made my parents growl. My parents told me I was special because I was a shiny. Being a shiny meant that I was of course different to all the other clamperl. They said is that I would be a more desired fish. Maybe my colours are why my parents were overprotective and eager for my to evolve. I'm sure they would want me to evolve into a strong gorebyss or huntail, but I don't want to evolve.

I am happy in my shell and with my pearl. Father does not like the idea of me staying as I am and Mother says nothing about it. I know in time my parents will understand. I slammed my shell shut. I assumed since my shell was dark compared to other clamperl's blue shells I thought I would be safe from being caught by creatures passing by.

“Hollow,” Crystalline hissed. “Look at me!”

“I can see,” I said. “You've evolved.”

“Just wait until I show this to Mother and Father.” Crystalline smiled and did somersaults across the water. She waved her fins across the sand and cried, “they will be so proud of me.”

“Especially Father,” I added.

“Cosmogony wants to evolve into a gorebyss,” Crystalline told me. “Jóga, Moon, Virus and Solstice want to be a gorebyss too. I know they want to be a gorebyss because they want to be beautiful and attract other fish. I didn't choose to be a huntail because Father we had to be. I chose to be one because I wanted to. Which one do you want to be?”

“I want to remain as I am.”

Crystalline gave me a strange look and spat bubbles at me. “Father won't be happy about that. Has he been trying to make you evolve into a huntail? He's been doing it to Oceania, but she does not feel ready to make that decision yet.”

“Does evolving really matter?” I asked. “I've seen other fish families and most of them are not fully evolved yet. Why does our Father pressure us all to evolve.”

“I think Father wants us to prepare ourselves in case the humans come again.”

“I don't understand.”

“Has Father told you about the time he was captured?”

“Yes he has,” I replied. “He's told me the story many times.”

“Not all humans are like the one that captured Father,” Crystalline told me. “There are some lovely humans out there who wish nothing but peace for us. Father was unlucky that he got caught by a bad human.”

“So you've seen humans?”

“I've seen many humans swimming on my swims with my friends,” Crystalline explained with a smile on her face. “We've even given humans a wave, and they waved...”

Crystalline was interrupted by a distorted cry followed by muffled whimpers. It seemed to be coming from a cave. A figure was coming out of the cave. The person appeared to be a mermaid with fins floating behind her and long hair flowing freely. How could a mermaid cry like that?

“I'm going home,” Crystalline said. “Are you coming with me?”

“No,” I replied. “I'm going to check who's in the cave.”

“Suit yourself.” Crystalline surfed off without another word.

I jumped out of the patch of seaweed and followed the trail of bubbles to the cave. I could still hear the cries of a clamperl asking for help. The waves of the ocean pushed me faster towards the end of the cave until I was halted by a rock.

My youngest sister, Oceania had a tiny part of her shell chipped off by whatever just attacked her. Her eyes were tightly shut and her face was covered in bruises. She was trying to close her shell, but had trouble doing so. Being the baby of the family she was not as strong as the likes of Crystalline.

I think I had just Father wanted us all to evolve, so we could be powerful enough to support ourselves.

“Oceania,” I whispered. “It's me Hollow. Who did this to you?”

“A human...” Oceania cried. Every time she took a breath, a burst of bubbles would follow. “It had a lapras that attacked me.”

The mermaid who I saw earlier had returned with her hands wrapped around the blue neck of a lapras. Her legs rested on it's shell. Only this time, I knew that she wasn't a mermaid: it was a human. I shuffled around my shell. They looked just how Father and Crystalline had described. She looked like a mermaid, but without scales or fins.

I wondered, how did I think those feet were fins?

The human looked please. Was it because she had seen a shiny? I had no seaweed to protect me from me from her sight. Just white sand, and I don't want to get my pearl dirty from the sand. I closed myself in my shell, but it was loose enough for me to peep through and see what the human was doing.

She had two aqua balls in her hand. She threw the first one at Oceania, but it missed her by just an inch. I faced Oceania to see how she was and she was no better than before. Her tears floated above her. Before I could say anything I could feel something bang against my shell. I knew it was the second of those balls.

The ball that missed Oceania got tangled in a strand of seaweed.

After the hit, I was surrounded by red aura as the ball swallowed me whole. The ball tumbled side to side for a few seconds and then the aura faded as the ball seized to move.

“HOLLOW!”

I could hear Oceania cry out my name through these walls. What will happen to Oceania? Will she come in one of these balls too? Or will the human leave her where she is? She needs to get help. She was only a baby clamperl. Her shell could crack and she might die. I wanted to go out and call for help, but I don't know how to get out of this ball. I felt frozen, even though my shell appeared to be working fine, the dry air intimidated me.

Oceania's crying ceased.

Dragonfree
12th June 2012, 3:58 AM
Your tenses are very inconsistent, and there are several other mistakes, many of which could have been fixed simply with better proofreading:


My sister, Crystalline had evolved into a huntail.
There should either be no commas or two commas around "Crystalline".


The rest of the fish didn't seem to mind about Crystalline's obsession to seaweed, but I wish she wouldn't eat it all.
That should probably be "obsession with".


They spoke of these humans as if they were planned to cause harm on us.
"As if they planned to cause us harm".


How do they move and swim above the ocean top.
That's a question, so it should end in a question mark.


She waved her fins across the sand and cried, “they will be so proud of me.”
"They" should have an initial capital letter, since she's starting a new sentence of speech even though the speech is part of the same sentence as the previous dialogue tag. (The comma should still be a comma.)


I didn't choose to be a huntail because Father we had to be.
You seem to be missing a word there.


Why does our Father pressure us all to evolve.
Another question that needs a question mark.


“Yes he has,” I replied.
Words like "yes" that are injected at the start of an otherwise complete sentence have a comma after them.


“We've even given humans a wave, and they waved...”
Not a grammatical mistake, but I am pretty puzzled by how on earth a Huntail can wave.


My youngest sister, Oceania had a tiny part of her shell chipped off by whatever just attacked her.
Again with the commas either going on neither or both sides of the name, not just one.


I think I had just Father wanted us all to evolve, so we could be powerful enough to support ourselves.
Again, you seem to be missing a word. (Also, that comma doesn't belong.)


“It's me Hollow. Who did this to you?”
Comma before "Hollow".


Every time she took a breath, a burst of bubbles would follow.
That doesn't make any sense; Clamperl don't breathe air.


Her legs rested on it's shell.
"It's" always stands for "it is"; when you mean something belonging to it, such as here, you'll want "its".


The human looked please.
Pleased, presumably.


Her tears floated above her.
I'm not buying that Hollow can visually tell the difference between tears and the surrounding ocean.


The ball tumbled side to side for a few seconds and then the aura faded as the ball seized to move.
I think that ought to be "from side to side", and it's definitely "ceased to move", not "seized".

You seem to be describing the ball wobbling from the outside here, though, which doesn't make sense in Hollow's first person POV.


I felt frozen, even though my shell appeared to be working fine, the dry air intimidated me.
This is a comma splice, i.e. two complete sentences separated by only a comma. Both "I felt frozen" and "the dry air intimidated me" could stand on their own as separate sentences; "even though my shell appeared to be working fine" is a dependent clause that should be attached to one of the other two by a comma, but not both.


This story feels kind of incomplete. You start off introducing this whole business about Hollow not wanting to evolve, but it turns out irrelevant because she's caught before that has any repercussions and then the story is over. It's also a bit generic; there are a lot of stories about young wild Pokémon who are warned against humans by their parents but possibly also encouraged to interact with them by others and are then caught against their will. There isn't much to set this fic apart among them, because even though you show us a little bit of how Clamperl think, it isn't really interesting or substantial enough to support the story.

I've got to admit to having been kind of thrown off by the seemingly random decision to make mermaids exist; so far as I know, no Pokémon canon has mermaids, so it seems pretty bizarre to add them to the world, especially since they aren't exactly important. It's not seriously hurting you or anything, but it does feel kind of out of place.

The writing is rather simplistic, but it kind of fits a naïve character like Hollow seems to be, so it comes out decently. It is also just fun to see someone writing about Pokémon like Clamperl. They don't get written about much as far as I've seen, and you go to the trouble of giving us a glimpse of their general worldview, even if it isn't that refined.