PDA

View Full Version : Control: The Story of Ghetsis (T 15+)



Wyrm
12th June 2012, 1:07 AM
Hudsonn98
Azurus
Rotomknight
Knightfall
Eeveeon8
jeffdavid102

Rated T (15+) for violence, language, and dark themes. Any language as harsh/harsher than the SH-word will be censored.


Chapter 1

A Predator

Amongst a crowd of children in the halls of Opelucid Public School was eleven-year-old Georgie Gropius, swapping out school books at his jet-black locker.

Georgie was, like many others, one who didn’t stand out very much. For starters, he looked rather normal. He had a regular build, blue eyes, and dressed normally. The only thing that stood out about him was his strange hair discoloration, making it green. Even then, it was a shade so subtle that it was difficult to notice right away. You usually would’ve had to look much closer than usual to realize that the mysterious hue wasn’t your imagination.

He was a rather simple kid. His motives in life at the time were simple and much too common: he would graduate, earn a training license, go on a journey, and become the champion of Unova. That was it. His mind had told him that taking on any other profession would equal dying in a hole. In the meantime, he did what he had to do in order to get by, even if it was somewhat out of his way. The boy had no hobbies besides battling. It was the general mentality of kids his age. He might’ve been a bigger thinker than normal, but it only applied to situations he was actually in; he never actually thought about what the future held. It was surprising, considering the higher intelligence that would result from him being a thinker.

Nobody knew that he would one day become Ghetsis Harmonia Gropius, leader of Team Plasma. Even he didn’t know what sort of potential for insanity was inside himself. So you know that whole “general mentality” thing? Well, for this particular kid, that was about to change before his journey even began.


--------------------------------------------------

“Hey, green-hair!”

With a sigh, Georgie looked up. Standing over him was the second to largest bully in the school, Rick. Rick was a good few inches above nearly everybody else, and boasted a decent amount of muscle. His intimidating dark brown eyes and messy, brownish-blonde hair seemed to further the point. Georgie learned to not take as much offense at the insult by pretending it was a statement of fact and a statement of fact only. Besides, this was nothing new. The bully always targeted whoever was the closest to him, and the smaller boy had a tendency to be that particular person.

“My name is Georgie,” the smaller boy calmly said. He knew that comebacks could wait for a safer time; namely the end of the school year.

“That’s a whole lot dumber-sounding than ‘George.’ I think calling you ‘green-hair’ would be much more suitable,” the bully replied.

“Look, just tell me what you want.” It was better to get to the point than have Rick realize Georgie was stalling, which would make him feel like an idiot. Somebody tried that on Rick before, and it wasn’t pretty.

“Well...” Rick pretended to be deep in thought. “You see, I’m running low on lunch money again, and my parents get seriously pissed when they waste their precious money in order to have me fed by people other than themselves. This is where you come in. It would be awfully nice of you to give me some of yours. Wouldn’t it?” He leaned on the locker next to Georgie’s. Things were probably about to get messy very soon.

“You might have my sympathy,” Georgie said, “but my parents would be all the more pissed if I gave their spent money to a person that could easily be lying. Besides, I don’t have any.”

Rick came within an inch of his face. “Are you sure you’re not the one lying here? Because I’m pretty sure that there’s something bulging in your pocket.”

“Believe what you want. One way or another, you are going to be walking into your next class with the same amount of money as you have now.”

“I wouldn’t say that if I were you. I really, really wouldn’t. Now listen. If you just hand over your money while I’m still in a good mood, then your face won’t need a paper bag over it. If not, then you know what follows.”

“How about you get it yourself, then? Just to prove my point.”

Reluctantly, Rick searched Georgie’s pants pockets. He pulled out some unused tissues.

“See? What did I tell you?”

“Are you calling me a *******, greenie?!” Rick suddenly yelled, grabbing Georgie by the arms and lifting him up level to the bully’s head. The green-haired boy cursed himself for what a stupid move he made. Now Rick was going to pound him down into the floor, which also happened to be in need of cleaning. And then he’ll-

Out of nowhere, Georgie’s battle tactics teacher, Mrs. Roberts, appeared.

Mina Roberts was probably the most intimidating person in the school. One look at her and you’d already know not to ever be on the receiving end of her rage. Her motto was “Scare the living **** out of troublemakers by means of chilling looks and hardcore discipline.” She had short, black hair, blood-red eyes (which was achieved via red contact lens), and was shockingly tall.

“Rick Jackson! Get away from him this instant!” she bellowed. With a huff, Rick put the green-haired boy down and fled around the corner before he could be humiliated in front of others. Georgie thought he could hear the bully muttering something about strangling him. The teacher calmly walked over to him, deciding not to give chase to Rick.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, although I was about two seconds from being mashed into my locker. Thanks, Mrs. Roberts.”

“Here, let me walk you to class.”

Normally, Georgie would worry about looking like a teacher’s pet in front of his peers. However, Mrs. Roberts was an exception to the rule. Not only was she generally intimidating, but battle tactics was a rather popular class, and therefore most kids respected her. Because of this, everybody could be her pet without actually being conceived as one. That is, unless one was to use her as a bodyguard like Georgie was. However, it wasn’t the first thing on his mind at the time.

“Why?” Georgie suddenly asked. “Why does he still do that? Ever since a few weeks into the school year, Rick’s been picking on people left and right. No offense, but wasn’t the school supposed to take care of this a long time ago?”

“There’s only so much we can do,” she said. The look on the teacher’s face showed a sign of secrecy. “All I can say is that some kids just don’t care...”

“But surely the school can do something?”

“I don’t exactly know. All I can say is to try to avoid any trouble until we can figure this out.”

They reached the classroom. As Mrs. Roberts walked away, he could spy Rick peeking out from behind a nearby wall. Hastily, Georgie went into the classroom and took his seat before he could get beaten to a pulp.


--------------------------------------------------

Hours later, Georgie laid in his bed, pondering. How could this be? This was the first time he ever experienced such an injustice. Rick was a bad guy, and that was that. Right? But somehow he wasn’t expelled, in spite of bullying any weaker person he could attack. To whoever would find themselves in such a situation, the solution was painfully obvious.

However, it was always a matter of proof. Some idiot invented lying, and nowadays everybody was innocent until proven guilty. In a bad way. Therefore, according to Georgie’s calculations, there was no way for Rick to be legally touched. The boy wasn’t very familiar with all aspects of the law, but his gut told him that the bully’s targets were in a tough spot.

This left dealing with him directly. Brawn wouldn’t work, as the only kids strong enough to possibly take him on were bullies. After mulling it over, Georgie narrowed it down to using a contest of some sort. Eventually, it dawned on him. If there was anything that he was good enough at that was legitimate for bringing Rick down, it was a Pokémon battle.

Then he remembered.

“For a brute, he isn’t half bad.”

“What?! How did you possibly cheat? This...must be a mirage. Heh...”

“Hey, Georgie. Nice job in that battle with the new student. Me? Oh, nothing much. I just got my *** handed to me by Rick, though.”

According to what he heard, Rick was tough as nails, even in battling. Honestly, the green-haired boy hadn’t seen the bully ever battle before, let alone know what Pokémon he used. As far as he knew, he didn’t stand a chance. But he still had to try.

Now, how would he make it an honorable bet? Even if Rick were to lose, he would still continue on his merry way picking on innocent kids. He needed to be convinced somehow. Thankfully, Georgie knew of somebody that just could be of assistance.

With a now clear mind, Georgie focused on going to sleep.


***
Little Georgie’s plot to overthrow Rick was, in fact, the start of his descent into becoming a control freak with the world.

One thing leads to another, after all.

Sometimes we do the right thing and try to stop the bad guys. What do you suppose they might be thinking in their reign? Or feel?

You know, maybe they were once good guys, too. Perhaps they were merely triggered by an event to become such petty crooks; they were misled to do what they did rather than on their own accord.

They found the power of being in control. It’s an addictive feeling.

The good guys come in and stop the bad ones. They stereotypically become famous, are rewarded, etcetera. Happy ending, correct?

Maybe.

There is one factor that may change that.

The good guys are hypothetically given a practically royal position in some sort of operation. The army, for example. Suddenly, they realize what a good life it is. And just how much power they have. They now understand the villains’ motives.

As they deepen their understanding of how much fate is at their mercy, so does their instability.

In the end, they snap like a stretched rubber band. They abuse their power to get what they want. Their attitudes become more and more unlike their original selves. At last, they have a final stand against the higher government and eventually crumble. The once heroes don’t go out fighting. They are so beyond what they were that it’s no longer THE option.

THE option is to go commit suicide, taking their beliefs, insanity, and self-righteousness with them. However, there is one bag of luggage that’s too heavy to drag along that they leave behind.

This luggage is known as the impact.

It is the destruction. It is the paranoia. It is the knowledge that such holy souls could be capable of selling themselves to the devil.

Such an event is overwhelmingly sad. It is unforgettable.

Reality constantly adds to its collection of these incidents, no longer showing emotion to the old news.

Georgie is the next being to bear this curse.

--------------------------------------------------

Constructive criticism welcome. Expect chapters longer than this from now on. Hopefully.

Knightfall
12th June 2012, 2:39 AM
I got the message and I'm glad I did.
Wow, this is definately interesting, and it hasn't been done for Ghetsis before (at least on this site).

Georgie, aside from his hair, really seems like the average kid. Smart, picked on, and always looking to get some retaliation on the bully, yep normal kid. Except the fact that something goes wrong and it all goes down hill until we are faced with the Ghetsis we know and hate today.
I want to know what sort of situations Georgie is faced with that affect his psyche in such a way that alters him so badly.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Psychic
12th June 2012, 6:30 AM
Wow, he's just a teenager and you're already calling him a demon? What the heck? He is innocent right now by all appearances, so making him out like he's already a horrible when he really isn't is misleading. Also, how is it that there is already "insanity inside himself" at this point?

Eh, I'm not sure I'm really buying this as the start of Ghetsis' decline into insanity and hunger for power. All we see is that he smart-talks the most polite bully I've ever seen and then has a chummy chat with a teacher who has no qualms about telling a little kid everything she knows about another student. We don't see him really suffering, and though the school is supposedly ineffectual and though most kids would be seen as teacher's pet hanging around her like that, Georgie is really perfectly fine as long as he sticks around Mrs. Roberts, and he won't even get teased for it. The real solution isn't battling, it's just being Mrs. Roberts' shadow.

So I'm sorry to say I found this to be a pretty weak opening. We don't get any description of Georgie - all we know is that his hair is green, but we don't know if he has it cropped in a buzzcut or if it hangs down to his knees. While his attire and build aren't vital to know, it would paint a nice picture to know how Georgie carries himself; does he walk down the wall with wide, confident steps, or huddle hunched over in the corner, too afraid to meet anyone's eyes? How does he interact with the other students? How do they react to him? Knowing how he acts in this environment would give a lot of insight into his character.

Then I might recommend Rick only show up a bit later, and you may want to reconsider how Georgie reacts to him if you want him to be sympathetic. It depends on if you want him to come off as weak, or cold, or a joker, or whatever. He seems to stand his ground fine in this scene, which is what makes me doubt that the bullying is that bad. :P

While I don't have a problem with Mrs. Roberts stepping in, the fact that her class is popular shouldn't automatically make him invincible to teasing. Whether or not kids respect her, they would likely still tease the kid who she has to escort around, or at least give him funny looks. Also, no matter how hard a student is to deal with, a staff member should never disclose so much information to anyone else, even if they're a victim. Most teachers would just say "we're trying as hard as we can" and maybe add "but there's only so much we can do" to hint that they're in a bind. Mind you, the whole situation seems way too convenient to force Georgie into this specific situation. There's no reason he can't just decide on his own accord to challenge Rick because he feels like the school isn't going to help him (without having to be told the school isn't going to help him). Anyhow, the whole thing literally does boil down to "there is nothing I can do," so the entire explanation is simply not necessary. It still works fine that way, without coming across as if he's SUCH a huge teacher's pet that Mrs. Roberts will tell him anything, even in the busy school halls.

Lastly, during the last scene it might help to say Georgie is in his room earlier, because the sitting up in bed bit was very sudden. This was also a good place to get in some emotional reactions from Georgie, like indignation and hopelessness that the school can't help him, or determination to fix it. Again, having insight into his emotions would make him a much more sympathetic character.

And some nitpicks:

With average height, weight, looks, strength, intelligence, and overall ethics
Saying "average height and weight" sounds kind of awkward, especially because we don't know what that looks like. Actually, we don't even know how old he is. :P Anyway, I would just say "average build, looks" and so on. Though I get the impression he is physically weaker than average and smarter than average.


Even then, it wasn’t a real attention grabber unless if somebody were to talk to him.
"Unless" and "if" mean the same thing, so remove "if." But the whole "unless if someone" bit just seems weird and unnecessary. Wouldn't he stand out more in a crowd than one-on-one because he has green hair? I mean I don't have an "average" hair colour either, so my blond hair really stands out in a crowd.


“Hey, green-haired!”
Should just be "green-hair." Or "greenie" or something that rolls off the tongue better as a nickname. :P


“Yes. Everybody around us is so iffy about child abuse that they can’t distinguish it from punishment.” She angrily sighed.
Er, well it's really not a modern-day school's job to do that, and she shouldn't even be saying these things. Anyway, it should be "sighed angrily."



Anyhow, I think there's a lot of potential to make this better, because it's not doing much for me right now. I don't sympathize for Georgie because Mrs. Roberts is on his side, and he just doesn't seem like he's really bullies all that badly from what we've seen. I would definitely recommend thinking about some of my suggestions to help strengthen the story.

Good luck,
~Psychic

Rotomknight
12th June 2012, 10:57 AM
This is extremely good.
I have always like gehtsis as a character.
Innocence of a demon probably means even hitler was innocent at first.
They probably just devloped into a demon or had it being buried.

Azurus
12th June 2012, 6:24 PM
Well, until you notice some of the flaws that psychic noticed it is a pretty good story so far, tho having a little more information of pretty much everything would be a good idea. If you don't want to do that, that is fine, I can enjoy a good story and fill in the blanks myself in my head canon.

Keep it up, you will better for sure as you go on.

Wyrm
12th June 2012, 8:16 PM
Wow, he's just a teenager and you're already calling him a demon? What the heck? He is innocent right now by all appearances, so making him out like he's already a horrible when he really isn't is misleading. Also, how is it that there is already "insanity inside himself" at this point?

Hm. I probably should've called the chapter something different, because it's actually referring to Rick. Sorry about that mix up.

As for the insanity part, I had meant that he actually does have a problem, but it'll only be discovered in a certain upcoming situation. Perhaps I should've been more subtle...


Eh, I'm not sure I'm really buying this as the start of Ghetsis' decline into insanity and hunger for power. All we see is that he smart-talks the most polite bully I've ever seen and then has a chummy chat with a teacher who has no qualms about telling a little kid everything she knows about another student. We don't see him really suffering, and though the school is supposedly ineffectual and though most kids would be seen as teacher's pet hanging around her like that, Georgie is really perfectly fine as long as he sticks around Mrs. Roberts, and he won't even get teased for it. The real solution isn't battling, it's just being Mrs. Roberts' shadow.

1. Yeah... I was aiming for the whole fiasco with Ghetsis to start out with a very small event coming up, but I probably should've elaborated.

2. I seem to have gotten my logic mixed up. See, what I saw was that Ms. Roberts was so respectfully regarded that everybody could be a teacher's pet without being made fun of as one. From there, I thought of Georgie as one of the more trusted students, despite knowing that no teacher would realistically disclose that kind of information. It seems I often forget about most things in real life also partially applying to the Pokémon world. ^^;

3. Again, I should've elaborated. While Ms. Roberts can be used as a defense, not everybody can avoid being bullied at one time; never mind the possibility of her not being in the halls at all. So Georgie thought he should end the bullying once and for all for the sake of the unfortunate.


So I'm sorry to say I found this to be a pretty weak opening. We don't get any description of Georgie - all we know is that his hair is green, but we don't know if he has it cropped in a buzzcut or if it hangs down to his knees. While his attire and build aren't vital to know, it would paint a nice picture to know how Georgie carries himself; does he walk down the wall with wide, confident steps, or huddle hunched over in the corner, too afraid to meet anyone's eyes? How does he interact with the other students? How do they react to him? Knowing how he acts in this environment would give a lot of insight into his character.

I'll be completely honest: I totally spaced it on that one. Even though there isn't a universal profile for the young Ghetsis, I assumed (courtesy of the trope "All writers are fans") that people would be able to figure it out via context clues (if they were technically there).


Then I might recommend Rick only show up a bit later, and you may want to reconsider how Georgie reacts to him if you want him to be sympathetic. It depends on if you want him to come off as weak, or cold, or a joker, or whatever. He seems to stand his ground fine in this scene, which is what makes me doubt that the bullying is that bad. :P

Eurgh, I had more description and assumption issues there. Considering this is the beginning, it was totally dumb to have the conversation come off as something much more bland than I thought.

Again with the context clues. I thought readers would see that Georgie was better at taking the bullying than others, and therefore it probably hurt others much more. XP


While I don't have a problem with Mrs. Roberts stepping in, the fact that her class is popular shouldn't automatically make him invincible to teasing. Whether or not kids respect her, they would likely still tease the kid who she has to escort around, or at least give him funny looks. Also, no matter how hard a student is to deal with, a staff member should never disclose so much information to anyone else, even if they're a victim. Most teachers would just say "we're trying as hard as we can" and maybe add "but there's only so much we can do" to hint that they're in a bind. Mind you, the whole situation seems way too convenient to force Georgie into this specific situation. There's no reason he can't just decide on his own accord to challenge Rick because he feels like the school isn't going to help him (without having to be told the school isn't going to help him). Anyhow, the whole thing literally does boil down to "there is nothing I can do," so the entire explanation is simply not necessary. It still works fine that way, without coming across as if he's SUCH a huge teacher's pet that Mrs. Roberts will tell him anything, even in the busy school halls.

Quite frankly, I appear to be having a hard time remembering that there isn't as thick a line between fantasy and reality as I might think. I'll try my hardest in the future to stay as realistic as possible.


Lastly, during the last scene it might help to say Georgie is in his room earlier, because the sitting up in bed bit was very sudden. This was also a good place to get in some emotional reactions from Georgie, like indignation and hopelessness that the school can't help him, or determination to fix it. Again, having insight into his emotions would make him a much more sympathetic character.

Again, elaboration issues. I will attempt to improve on this.


And some nitpicks:

Saying "average height and weight" sounds kind of awkward, especially because we don't know what that looks like. Actually, we don't even know how old he is. :P Anyway, I would just say "average build, looks" and so on. Though I get the impression he is physically weaker than average and smarter than average.

Gotcha. Elaboration and proper/non-awkward word choice.

It seems the characterization of Georgie does give that impression. Hm. :P



"Unless" and "if" mean the same thing, so remove "if." But the whole "unless if someone" bit just seems weird and unnecessary. Wouldn't he stand out more in a crowd than one-on-one because he has green hair? I mean I don't have an "average" hair colour either, so my blond hair really stands out in a crowd.

Should just be "green-hair." Or "greenie" or something that rolls off the tongue better as a nickname. :P

Er, well it's really not a modern-day school's job to do that, and she shouldn't even be saying these things. Anyway, it should be "sighed angrily."

I'll get to fixing these.


Anyhow, I think there's a lot of potential to make this better, because it's not doing much for me right now. I don't sympathize for Georgie because Mrs. Roberts is on his side, and he just doesn't seem like he's really bullies all that badly from what we've seen. I would definitely recommend thinking about some of my suggestions to help strengthen the story.

Good luck,
~Psychic

Thank you for that review. It helps me so much. I shall make the next chapter considering all those points. ;)

@Knightfall: You'll see; although it might not be as traumatic as you may think...

@Rotomknight: The chapter title was referring to Rick, but I suppose you could say the same about Georgie. Also, I'm glad you like this.

@Azurus:Thanks for the encouragement. For the sake of others, though, I'll be attempting to elaborate.

Thank you all for your comments on this story. As for the next chapter, I'm currently in the dark about when it will be done. I haven't exactly started on it yet.

Hudsonn98
14th June 2012, 1:29 AM
All I can say is to elaborate upon what you've written. At the moment everything seems rushed, as if you were just hastily throwing it together. Don't get me wrong. You're a great writer but don't rush yourself to finish. Trust me, we all have waited before and we can wait for your next chapter. Just a few more things.
1: I just have to ask...Why is the teacher swearing. Even if Ghestis is about 16 or 17, teachers still would not swear in school. Just tone the vulgarity down a bit with that character.

2: Maybe try to show some of Ghestis's inner feelings. In B/W he shows that he is a great thinker and his mind is always churning. Make sure you always offer insights into his mind.

Otherwise, I like it so far. If there is a PM list, put me on it, please!!! Can't wait to see what you'll do with this story next!

~Hudsonn98

Wyrm
14th June 2012, 5:21 AM
All I can say is to elaborate upon what you've written. At the moment everything seems rushed, as if you were just hastily throwing it together. Don't get me wrong. You're a great writer but don't rush yourself to finish. Trust me, we all have waited before and we can wait for your next chapter. Just a few more things.
1: I just have to ask...Why is the teacher swearing. Even if Ghestis is about 16 or 17, teachers still would not swear in school. Just tone the vulgarity down a bit with that character.

2: Maybe try to show some of Ghestis's inner feelings. In B/W he shows that he is a great thinker and his mind is always churning. Make sure you always offer insights into his mind.

Otherwise, I like it so far. If there is a PM list, put me on it, please!!! Can't wait to see what you'll do with this story next!

~Hudsonn98

1. Gotcha. I'll make sure to stay a little more clear from now on.

2. I kind of got carried away with her "this is just stupid" attitude. Sorry about that. ^.^;

3. Keep in mind that Ghetsis is much, much younger at this stage. Yes, he'll probably be doing some deeper thinking later on, but so far he's only capable of doing that in more serious situations.

Consider the list and yourself added! Now, if I can remember to actually look at the list after posting a new chapter instead of watching for reviews like a vulture...

Azurus
14th June 2012, 8:34 AM
You know, I didn't mention this before but I subbed to this fic, I really do see potential here like I said before. I would also like to be added to the PM list, because my subscribed threads is not always reliable.

Also, since it's only the first chapter, you can fix some mistakes or edit some descriptions, it might help draw more people in with a revised intro, with you knowing what is lacking now.

Rotomknight
14th June 2012, 6:00 PM
Please add me to pm list.
Listen, I just graduated from middle school. I feel like I can help you lots when it comes to school stuff.
Is the teacher semi-nce but intimidating with little workload.
If so that would boost georgie's popularity by being with her.

Wyrm
14th June 2012, 7:17 PM
@Azurus: Consider yourself added. Also, I'd like to say that this is an experimental fic in which I pinpoint the weaknesses in my writing and try to patch them up. Ergo, if I decide to get more serious with this, then I'll probably do some revisions. But again, this is all an experiment. (Note that I am not ignoring your advice and agree with it 100%.) For now, I'm just focusing on grammatical errors.

@Rotomknight: Also added. Well, you can say that she's pretty nice when not angered, but otherwise hell will emerge. And it's not that she can be a popularity magnet for Georgie, but rather a last resort if he's cornered by Rick and such.

Eeveeon8
15th June 2012, 2:44 AM
Please add me to the PM list. I enjoy this story, and it seems like a mistake not asking. I hope you can write equally great and/or better chapters.
I hope you have a nice day!

Wyrm
15th June 2012, 9:15 PM
Please add me to the PM list. I enjoy this story, and it seems like a mistake not asking. I hope you can write equally great and/or better chapters.
I hope you have a nice day!

You're added. And thank you!

Psychic
15th June 2012, 10:46 PM
Hm. I probably should've called the chapter something different, because it's actually referring to Rick. Sorry about that mix up.

As for the insanity part, I had meant that he actually does have a problem, but it'll only be discovered in a certain upcoming situation. Perhaps I should've been more subtle...
Ohhh, I just assumed it was referencing the main character. :x But to be fair, most kids aren't demons/evil - bullies often come from difficult homes, and bully due to personal insecurities and such. That doesn't make bullying okay, but demonizing them is a bit unnecessary, you know?

And oh, I never would have guessed that from what we've seen so far. If it's an underlying problem, you may want to find ways to hint at it even when it doesn't surface entirely.



1. Yeah... I was aiming for the whole fiasco with Ghetsis to start out with a very small event coming up, but I probably should've elaborated.

2. I seem to have gotten my logic mixed up. See, what I saw was that Ms. Roberts was so respectfully regarded that everybody could be a teacher's pet without being made fun of as one. From there, I thought of Georgie as one of the more trusted students, despite knowing that no teacher would realistically disclose that kind of information. It seems I often forget about most things in real life also partially applying to the Pokémon world. ^^;

3. Again, I should've elaborated. While Ms. Roberts can be used as a defense, not everybody can avoid being bullied at one time; never mind the possibility of her not being in the halls at all. So Georgie thought he should end the bullying once and for all for the sake of the unfortunate.
That anyone could still be a teacher's pet without getting made fun of still seems a little iffy for me, but I can see that as being plausible if you can show other people doing the same as Georgie.

This also applies for Georgie supposedly standing up to Rick to help other kids. You're not showing Rick tormenting any other kids, so the reader has no idea it does happen to others, and then it seems that Rick is just doing it for himself and not to protect the weaker kids. The problem overall is that you're only focusing on Georgie, so we don't know what the school is like beyond him and what happens to him.

Again, this stuff is easy to fix: just show other students interacting with Mrs. Roberts and Rick so we can see the similarities and contrasts. Even though it's a story about Georgie, showing this helps get to know the situation he's in. Your chapter could use some padding anyway.



I'll be completely honest: I totally spaced it on that one. Even though there isn't a universal profile for the young Ghetsis, I assumed (courtesy of the trope "All writers are fans") that people would be able to figure it out via context clues (if they were technically there).
Of course we know who Ghetsis is and what he looks like as an adult, but that doesn't mean we know how he looks/acts as a teenager. Since you're the writer, it's your job to fill this in, because there are no canonical clues as to what Ghetsis was like at this age. And if you don't get to all that in the first chapter, when will you? You need to make sure readers have the right impression of Georgie immediately, or they could go the entire fic with the wrong idea, like I did.



Eurgh, I had more description and assumption issues there. Considering this is the beginning, it was totally dumb to have the conversation come off as something much more bland than I thought.

Again with the context clues. I thought readers would see that Georgie was better at taking the bullying than others, and therefore it probably hurt others much more. XP
Don't beat yourself up over it, but you should use the opportunity to edit what you have.

As I said, because we don't see Rick interacting with any other kids, we don't really know how Georgie's reaction compares. This can be easily fixed by Georgie seeing Rick bully another kid before/after and see Georgie react to it, and maybe even reference it when Rick approaches him (like "that was sure brave of you to pick on the kid in the wheelchair" or something). I really didn't get the imrpession Georgie got off better than other kids.



Quite frankly, I appear to be having a hard time remembering that there isn't as thick a line between fantasy and reality as I might think. I'll try my hardest in the future to stay as realistic as possible.
Even fantasy needs to be realistic in some ways. Suspension of disbelief only works when the story makes sense.


I'm glad I was able to help with some of the mistakes, but you still haven't fixed some of them.
You also forgot to change it to "green-hair" here

I think calling you ‘green-haired’ would be more suitable.”



Thank you for that review. It helps me so much. I shall make the next chapter considering all those points. ;)
As Azurus said, actually taking my advice and using it to edit the first chapter can do a world of good. Just because this is an experiment doesn't mean you can't put effort into it. I did not point out any structural flaws you're going to have to spend hours patching up: this is literally a matter of going through the story and adding what I recommended you add. It doesn't have to take more than twenty minutes.

The first chapter of a story is the most important. Your potential readers are going to take a look at it, read some of the comments, and decide from there if it's worth getting involved. If your beginning isn't strong or the best it can be, a lot of readers will pass. If you're given advice on how to improve it and then don't use that advice despite saying "Constructive criticism welcome," you're going to also turn a lot of helpful reviewers away.

I know you're claiming that it helped, but if you're not going to make any changes then don't say criticism is welcome, because it makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered.

~Psychic

Wyrm
25th June 2012, 4:36 AM
As Azurus said, actually taking my advice and using it to edit the first chapter can do a world of good. Just because this is an experiment doesn't mean you can't put effort into it. I did not point out any structural flaws you're going to have to spend hours patching up: this is literally a matter of going through the story and adding what I recommended you add. It doesn't have to take more than twenty minutes.

The first chapter of a story is the most important. Your potential readers are going to take a look at it, read some of the comments, and decide from there if it's worth getting involved. If your beginning isn't strong or the best it can be, a lot of readers will pass. If you're given advice on how to improve it and then don't use that advice despite saying "Constructive criticism welcome," you're going to also turn a lot of helpful reviewers away.

I know you're claiming that it helped, but if you're not going to make any changes then don't say criticism is welcome, because it makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered.

~Psychic

I see your point now, and am sorry I didn't realize it earlier. Chapter 1 is now revised, addressing as much of what you said as I felt I was able to. Again, thanks.

Chapter 2 is in progress. Hopefully I can remember to revise it this time around before randomly posting it. :P

Azurus
25th June 2012, 9:33 AM
Well that is certainly a way better start to the story, if I didn't already read the prerevised version, I wouldn't have noticed where you made the changes, it flows pretty well.

Nice touch at the end there, only problem with it (technical only) is that it makes me have to scroll to the right to read and it doesn't wrap to fit onscreen like the previous text.

Looking forward to a much improved story and keep it coming.

Wyrm
26th June 2012, 6:17 AM
Well that is certainly a way better start to the story, if I didn't already read the prerevised version, I wouldn't have noticed where you made the changes, it flows pretty well.

Nice touch at the end there, only problem with it (technical only) is that it makes me have to scroll to the right to read and it doesn't wrap to fit onscreen like the previous text.

Looking forward to a much improved story and keep it coming.

Glad you liked it. And darn those technical errors! My computer didn't have a problem, so I'd wonder why yours did. X/

I'll do my best to improve. My main issue at the moment is actually how slow of a writer I am. The chapters are somewhat short in comparison to other fics, but things just don't come as fluently onto the computer screen as I hope for them to. Then there's the procrastination... Ugh. But you can say I'll keep on trying to churn it out; hopefully faster as I get better.

Azurus
26th June 2012, 8:16 AM
So long as post more often than once every 6 months then it's fine.

The technical issue is with my 3DS, it's fine on the computer like yours. I would have mentioned that but I seem to post alot of comments saying I use my 3DS and I can't do this or can't see image due to this, etcetera etcetera.

Wyrm
9th July 2012, 5:03 AM
Chapter 2 is finally up! Hopefully it's an improvement from chapter 1 when it wasn't revised. Again, your feedback is welcome.


Chapter 2

Attempt to Demote

The plan was simple. During recess, Georgie would make a deal with Rick in front of a crowd containing as many kids as possible. The deal in question was this: Georgie and Rick would have a freestyle single battle between their Pokémon. Should the bully win, then he will be free to go about as he pleases. If Georgie wins, then the activities will cease to occur. The green-haired boy planned to have choice phrases in store to ensure Rick would keep his word if he lost.

For this occasion, Georgie hired a friend of his to act as an attention grabber and announcer. His name was Benjamin.

Benjamin was born a public speaker, in terms of both looks and mentality. He often wore unusual clothes (provided they matched the dress code), whether they depicted profound messages or acted as a simple eyesore. He also was somewhat of a class clown, but it came so naturally to him that people paid all the more attention to him. Combined with blonde hair, green eyes, and a rather thin build, he was a memorable and influential icon.

The next day, Georgie and Rick were standing in a grassy field while Benjamin was atop a nearby hill, calling attention to himself. A large group of children had already formed below him, chatting amongst themselves.

“You know,” Rick suddenly said with a tone of malice, “this idea isn’t half bad. Why didn’t anybody think of this before? It’ll be a great opportunity to humiliate you.”

“Unless I break you in this match,” Georgie countered. He was surprised Rick had been keeping up his attitude, even at this stage.

“Oh, will you shut up? Just because I’m physically superior to you doesn’t mean I’m retarded at battling. I know my ****. I might still be on the offensive side, but that won’t matter in the short term. Speaking of which, did you see me pound that graduate in battle tactics today? Yeah. How about that.” Rick sounded absolutely serious, even when it was likely that he rehearsed those lines several times before the occasion. He never even tried to sound smart before, let alone his stereotyped self. That’s how Rick rolled from Georgie’s point of view, anyways.

Long story short, Georgie thought that perhaps he slightly overdid his stereotyping, even with last night’s thoughts.

“Ladies and germs! May I have your attention, please?” Benjamin called out to the crowd, which was silenced over the course of several seconds. The two quarreling kids quickly ran over to stand beside the announcer.

“Ahem. My friends, a day like none other has arrived. It is a day where a certain youth will be judged. Put your hands together for Rick Jackson!”

Silence. Rick grinded his teeth absent-mindedly. He was going to kill that guy after this.

“Anyways, today he will be tested in the form of a battle against Georgie Gropius, a bold warrior who dares to stand up to his reign on the defenseless!”

A couple of people snickered at the term “bold warrior.” Georgie smiled awkwardly. He was going to kill that guy after this.

“Here’s where it stands, folks: if Rick emerges triumphant, then he may resume his normal activities. However, should Georgie win, then he will be forced to quit ruling with an iron fist!”

He paused with a strange look on his face that left many staring.

“One more thing. For those of you concerned, we have a little solution to the possibility of Rick continuing his behavior even if he loses. Should he do this, then I’ll hereby dub him a cowardly, self-centered pain in the rear that deserves to go rot in a hole for all of eternity. I also hereby give all of you permission to think of him as that for the rest of your lives if he fails to uphold his promise. Feel free to contribute a portion of your school time to giving him a hard time as well. Thank you all, and here’s to no bullies being sore losers! This will be a freestyle single battle. No switching at all is allowed unless a Pokémon is knocked out. Enjoy!”

As the two battlers took their positions, an interested Mrs. Roberts was looking curiously at this spectacle from the sidewalk. At first, she had been preparing to step into what looked like a fight and (according to her violent side, which had a tendency to not always have things go its way) break out the metal pipe. But upon a closer look, she saw that there weren’t fists involved. To her shock, they were setting up a Pokémon battle. Not only that, but it appeared to be a certain somebody’s view of resolving a certain situation. For the first time in her career as a teacher, a student actually decided to grab the bull by the horns in a somewhat mature and direct way. It was better than that kid who grabbed his Weedle and started stabbing bullies with its head spike, anyways.

Technically, one could still consider this a bad fight. But the guidelines weren’t specific about it. Mrs. Roberts wasn’t about to miss the circus act that was about to ensue, either.

Somebody who cared less about this sacred art would have to deal with it.

On his side of the battlefield, Georgie took notice of the fact that Rick seemed to only have one Pokéball on his belt. At first, he felt relief welling up in his chest. Then he remembered all those times kids walked through the halls with their heads down in shame from their quick defeat. If only he had gathered information about his Pokémon... Oh, how could he have been so stupid?

Meanwhile, Rick was still fuming at Benjamin for that performance. How dare that sissy call him such names! He was not a coward, self-centered person, pain in the rear (well, he actually was), or somebody who deserved to go die in a hole. No, he was just trying to...

“Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Zero! Contestants, are you ready to rumble?! I hope so! Send out your Pokémon of choice...now!”

Georgie and Rick detached and threw their capsules onto the battlefield. In two explosions of light, a creature appeared next to each trainer, unleashing various sounds of aggression.

On Georgie’s side was a tiny electric eel floating in the air with his tailfin flapping in the wind. He had beady, black eyes, a small mouth, and a yellow line running down his sides. The eel ceased his growls and let out a squeak when he saw his opponent.

Beside Rick was probably one of the biggest Pokémon Georgie had ever seen on campus so far, being bigger than himself. The creature had a mostly blue body with a crimson head and set of spikes covering its arms, legs, and tail. It also boasted a light brown column of scales running down its abdomen, spiky wings, sharp teeth and claws, and stunning, electric yellow eyes. All of these aspects labeled the Druddigon as evil incarnate, according to the fact that the dragon was owned by somebody who matched that title rather accurately. The beast let out a mighty roar that chilled Georgie to the bone and stood up on its hind legs.

He had definitely underestimated Rick. No more stereotyping for him.

Despite the surprise, Georgie quickly regained his composure. So this was the beast that brought down all the others? Nothing a handicap can’t fix.

“Send a Thunder Wave at it!”

Tynamo responded immediately and let loose a blue ball of electricity at Druddigon. The dragon waited for the projectile to get near it before smacking the ball to the ground, releasing hundreds of tiny sparks into the air.

“Now,” said Rick, “watch this. Druddigon, use Outrage!”

Georgie could only utter a “what” in confusion. There was absolutely no way Druddigon was that strong to know Outrage. But it was no bluff. The dragon’s eyes turned a violent shade of red before the entire behemoth spun into what seemed to be an uncontrollable frenzy. However, there was a strange pattern to it that allowed it to approach his Tynamo at a surprising speed. Before Georgie knew it, Druddigon slammed its tail into the eel, sending him flying at least ten feet before landing in a section of dirt and spitting out a few drops of blood. In an instant, the boy recalled him.

That was unexpected.

Rick sneered.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I hurt your damn tadpole? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure next time that I’ll give you ten seconds to actually do something instead of staring blankly like the idiot you are.”

Instead of responding, Georgie pulled out another Pokéball and threw it onto the battlefield. An actual tadpole with an odd smile and bulging cheeks emerged.

“Wow. Are you tackling me with some sort of tadpole army? Seriously, Tadpole Boy?”

“Tynamo was an eel!” Georgie finally yelled.

“Whatever.”

Druddigon advanced upon Tympole, preparing for a second thrashing.

It seemed like brute force was the way to go.

“Tympole, use your combination song like we practiced!”

The combination song was essentially a double attack consisting of Round and Supersonic. Tympole would use Supersonic, but move his mouth in such a way that it also formed the song that comes out of a Round attack. Georgie had come up with it himself, but from then on others copied the tactic.

The tadpole opened his mouth and started chanting a mysterious song. At first, it was barely audible. Then the amount of decibels increased rapidly until both trainers had to cover their ears. At this point, the scratchiness of Supersonic was clearly present. Tympole then bounced over to Druddigon and sang right in its ear. The noise made its way to Druddigon’s eardrum, blasting so hard that the behemoth’s actions would be scrambled. It gave off a great shriek before finally swatting its assailant down. In a rage, the dragon resumed the Outrage attack and body slammed the tadpole into the ground. He couldn’t get back up afterwards, considering that the single swat had already knocked him out beforehand.

That is to say, they would be scrambled. In this case, the dragon was able to focus in time before the sound truly overwhelmed it.

So much for all that practice, Georgie thought.

Again, he recalled his Pokemon without a word. Before he grabbed the next ball, he realized Benjamin had been talking the whole time and the crowd’s comments and murmurs were steadily growing louder.

“Well, folks, it looks like Rick’s previous opponents weren’t kidding about his so-called abomination. After all, he did just beat two birds over the head with a spiked boulder. Perhaps Georgie will meet the same fate...”

Georgie stopped for a couple of seconds. Within that period, he had somewhat of a mental breakdown. Two of his Pokémon had been taken down within what seemed to be a minute. In a minute. With one blow each. The freaking thing knew Outrage for reasons Georgie couldn’t comprehend. The boy was about to be stomped by the jock everybody loathed.

Holy crap.

For the first time (as far as he remembered), he was truly panicking. He went into this with a grain of salt, but now he was shoveling those white crystals for the sake of not crumpling to the ground. He couldn’t lose to this guy! Not now, not ever. Perhaps he was cheating, after all.

No. Calm down, Georgie. You’re overreacting. This is just a cheap fight during recess. There will be nothing to be ashamed about.


***

In even a fraction of his right mind, Georgie wouldn’t be feeling such strong emotions.

It was the subtle first stage of the upcoming disaster: obsession. Subtle, but most definitely in the boy’s mind...

...slowly creeping its way into the philosophical section of his brain.

***

With a feeling of nervousness and seriousness, Georgie threw his third ball. No more clowning around. It was time to do some whittling.

The oddest Pokémon on his team emerged from the light. He was a coal-colored figure levitating in the air. At the end of each of his slender, long arms were three curled fingers. The ghost had eyes that seemingly conveyed sadness. A curved rod hung on his underside, holding a mysterious mask resembling a human of some sort. The creature started randomly murmuring to itself.

Druddigon began to spin again.

“Quick, throw up a Protect!” Georgie called, now regaining his confidence. Thankfully, he took the time to think of more combos during the year.

Yamask waved his arms in circles, and a sphere covered in hexagons enveloped him. When Druddigon came crashing down on the barrier, the blow completely bounced off. The shield rippled violently before fading away. The dragon now spun in an entirely different fashion, now dazed from the three rounds of raging about. Rick stared in frustration at the clever move, but decided to wait out Druddigon’s dizziness before giving another command.

“Now focus your Disable on that attack before it’s used again!”

The ghost was now as still as a statue, but continued to hover. Ever so slightly, he narrowed his eyes and gazed into the dragon’s eyes. Shortly after, a gray light covered Druddigon before vanishing. The victim now wore a confused look on its face.

“Now try and use Astonish as many times as possible!” It wouldn’t be long before Druddigon became focused enough, so Georgie took the opportunity to pile on as much damage as possible.

Yamask lowered himself down from the air and literally sunk into the ground. Druddigon was as confused as ever. Suddenly, he appeared from behind the dragon, yelped, and smacked the base of its wing before sinking into the soil again. Druddigon swung its fists around wildly before being punched in the nose. The process repeated several times until Druddigon quickly regained focus in between blows and performed a wide Night Slash, catching Yamask as he popped up in front of it. The ghost screeched and doubled back in pain before the dragon swung its tail straight into him, hurling him into a grass patch. He had a gigantic bruise on one side of his face, and a small, slightly bloody scratch mark on the other.

Druddigon didn’t seem too fazed, aside from a couple of minor bruises scattered throughout its exterior and specks of blood near its earhole.

Still uncomfortable with the situation, Georgie recalled Yamask. The good news was that Druddigon was now mildly weakened and defied of its most powerful attack. (The boy thought it was blasphemy that a Druddigon who was supposed to be inexperienced could learn such a move as Draco Meteor.) The bad news was that, at this rate, the dragon would finish off his two remaining Pokémon faster than they could inflict damage.

Then again, he was familiar with the strategy of not putting his best soldiers at the front lines. Now that he had a clear idea of what he was up against, bringing out the big guns would lead to a victory.

The next monster the green-haired boy sent out was a small, robotic-looking creature. He wore a red and dark gray helmet with an axe for a horn attached. Golden yellow eyes lay underneath, glaring at Druddigon. The round torso had two crescent-shaped blades embedded in it with their points sticking out. He had thin, red arms and legs, the former with a knife on each end.

“Dragon Tail that sucker,” Rick shouted. Druddigon approached and swung its tail slightly to the left, preparing to send its next victim crashing through the air.

“Dodge and try to deliver as many slashes as possible,” Georgie commanded.

The dragon swung its tail the other way around with considerable force. Pawniard jumped speedily, evading the attack by a long shot. He then started toward where Druddigon’s tail would be in a split second. The brute saw this and brought down one fist after another onto the ground where Pawniard was. The robot once again dodged, this time with difficulty. Because of these actions, the tail was now uncomfortably out of reach. Without a second thought, Pawniard darted in between Druddigon’s legs and latched onto its tail. With a roar, Druddigon spun around, clawing randomly. Before the beast could fully comprehend what was happening, the sharp blade Pokémon crawled up its backside and onto the area just below its neck. At that moment, Druddigon had the lovely idea of rolling over. Pawniard frantically dug its claws into each of the dragon’s shoulder spikes. Druddigon yelped twice: once when it felt sharp blades grind against bone, and the other time when Pawniard’s torso blades poked at its back as it tumbled across the ground.

When the dragon stood upright again, Pawniard still clung to its back. The robot then aimed the axe on his head at the various bruised areas within reach. He swiftly sliced through them with the tip of it. Druddigon’s cries of pain were followed by groans as it struggled to shake its assailant off. At one point Pawniard faltered, letting go of the right shoulder spike. It wouldn’t be long before he fell off.

“Fury Cutter!” Georgie yelled. Pawniard took his free claw and made a tiny cut at the base of Druddigon’s neck. Then he delivered a slightly larger one across the right wing. His pupils were now expanding and contracting rapidly. The dragon desperately swung to and fro while slamming Pawniard against the ground. He slashed yet again at the left wing, tearing up a few scales in the process. Druddigon’s movements continued to quicken until Pawniard’s other claw worked its way loose. In a final effort to inflict damage, he delivered a Fury Cutter as he fell down, leaving a winding cut down Druddigon’s back and tail.

The beast bellowed and swung its tail, hurling Pawniard to an area at least fifteen feet away. Slowly, he started to get back up to his feet. However, Rick had enough of it.

“Superpower,” he snarled. Druddigon’s entire body glowed red, and it dashed toward the robot before tossing him into the air. The dragon then brought its fist crashing into Pawniard, causing him to unleash an earsplitting scream and be slammed with catastrophic force into the dirt. Georgie gasped in horror as he saw an enormous crack in Pawniard’s armor with blood practically gushing out of it. The robot continued to make shrill cries, each one slightly weaker than the last.

The crowd was now roaring in excitement. Frankly, they wanted Rick to lose. But all the action seemed to make up for their assumptions about his inevitable success.

“It seems that Georgie is truly cornered,” Benjamin said. “Then again, who knows what he saved for last? Let’s see if he whips out a Cobalion or something.”

It was suddenly all clear to Georgie now.

Over the course of the school year, there were various field trips to different places around Unova. During the trips, kids had the chance to catch weak Pokémon from assigned areas. One of these occasions was at Dragonspiral Tower. According to Rick’s behavior, it was clear that the bully wouldn’t settle for a Pokémon that was supplied. No, he wanted a truly wild one. It was his belief that such creatures were stronger. So he smuggled several Pokéballs to the tower, slithered stealthily away from the crowd, and caught a young Druddigon inhabiting a famous nest known for the dragons that made it.

The famous pair in question consisted of the most powerful Pokémon living in the tower (aside from the legends thought to inhabit it). When their egg hatched, what emerged from it was a fighting machine that had inherited certain powers from the two; hence its knowledge surrounding moves like Outrage and Superpower.

Not only was it born wild and considerably dangerous, but now it was in the hands of a bully whom was also an inexperienced trainer at such an early age. Whatever happened at that stage would influence Druddigon to act corrupted for the rest of its life. Rick was handling and training a monster that was becoming harder to handle every day.

In other news, Georgie was officially screwed over.

The green-haired boy looked over to see that Mrs. Roberts was watching from afar. Couldn’t she see the moves Druddigon was using? And the violence put into every knockout it dealt?

She was too far away to tell. Figures. With a sigh, he sent out his final Pokémon.

What emerged was essentially Georgie’s trump card. He was a brown bull with an afro that had a darker hue than his body. Two horns stuck out from the afro, each one holding two yellow rings. He had two yellow eyes as well. The bull snorted loudly.

“Superpower,” Rick said.

“Bouffalant, charge at Druddigon!” Georgie shouted.

The two large monsters dashed forward. Bouffalant lowered his head while Druddigon wrapped its fingers into a fist and glowed red. When they collided, the unexpected happened. The dragon was aware of the afro’s ability as a shield and tried to punch from the side. It then got caught on Bouffalant’s horn and was shoved with tremendous force through the air and into the side of the hill on which Benjamin stood. The beast let out a cry and sat upright. It just sat there. Motionless, silent, unblinking, not even breathing. Had Georgie won?

Something told him otherwise before it was self-evident.

Druddigon now got to its feet and trembled. It breathed in deeply before roaring the greatest roar its kind could ever muster. The dragon now glared daggers at the bull, making him shift uncomfortably. It charged forward with all its might, no longer paying heed to the furry barrier that separated them. Bouffalant rushed at the beast again. This time, Druddigon crashed its head straight into the mass of fur, and the other monster was stopped dead in his tracks. Shocked, the bull couldn’t move fast enough to stop Druddigon, who was now lifting him up into the air. The dragon swung the bull around a few times before slamming him to the ground, causing a shockwave to be felt all around. Bouffalant was definitely defeated.

Georgie sadly recalled his best soldier. He had a chance, and then Druddigon just had to have a fit of rage to strengthen itself, despite previous injuries. The bad guy just had to be ridiculously lucky and get a special Druddigon.

The crowd’s noise subsided after seeing the results of the battle.

“Well, it looks like nothing’s changed here, folks,” Benjamin said with a twinge of disappointment. “Rick is the winner of this match. He is free to resume his brutal activities. Thank you, Unova! Good night!” He then dashed off, convinced that Rick was out to murder him now after his humiliation.

Within a minute, the area was cleared out of spectators. Some had called out to Georgie. He didn’t respond. He just stood there, calm yet dumbfounded. Later, Mrs. Roberts walked over to him.

“That was some battle, sport.”

“...”

“It’s okay. We all lose sometimes. Even when we think we absolutely must.”

“I was unable to stop him.”

The teacher stared at her student briefly before trudging off.

Georgie remained in the same position for the rest of recess. Right as the bell rang, he knew deep inside that he would never let this go.


***

... And he was right.

In such a short period of time, the first stage developed greatly.

It went from a state of panic to a grudge.

The process subsided for a while.

But it was always there.

It would emerge again.

Soon.

***

Azurus
9th July 2012, 8:39 AM
A couple of errors.
1st is where you say "Drudigon didn't too fazed" should be "Drudigon didn't seem too fazed"

2nd is in the paragraph right after, you mention draco meteor but shouldn't it be outrage?

All in all fairly good, too bad georgie didn't win but if he did then we wouldn't have a story.

Also... YUNO PM? jk of course but I failed to recieve a pm for the update.

Rotomknight
9th July 2012, 3:39 PM
I did not get a pm either.
But otherwie great and how will georgie trump the bully.
Is this te story against a bully.

Wyrm
9th July 2012, 8:25 PM
Aack. I completely forgot about the PMs. *bangs head against wall* Whoops. Time to PM the others, then.

@Azurus: Will get to fixing on number 1. Number 2, now that I think about it, is actually what's going to be a common misconception. In these stories, there isn't usually much of a difference in attack stats. Therefore, Draco Meteor is stronger than Outrage in this case. Sorry if it was confusing.

@Rotomknight: You'll see how things will turn out. Or not. This is merely an experiment of mine, and there's a good chance that I won't finish it. Or not. Should this happen after the next chapter...

Georgie wins the second time around. Not much of a surprise, but it's a matter of HOW.

Did you notice that somebody was missing from his team?

This whole bully episode is only a part of the fic. It explains how Ghetsis's insanity started. But again with the experiment thing. I doubt I'll go past chapter 3 or 4 (the latter of which is when the Georgie vs. Rick plot ends). So maybe you're actually right. Frankly, I absolutely hate what I'm writing with every fiber of my being, anyways...

Thanks for the input, guys. And reminding me how forgettable PM lists are when you update in the middle of the night. :P

jeffdavid102
9th July 2012, 10:55 PM
Can I be added to the PM list? And i noticed that he didn't have

Deino/Zweilous/Hydreigon
Does he catch it during a field trip to Victory Road?

Rotomknight
9th July 2012, 11:00 PM
It is nice to expirement.
However readers will become less attached to a author's characters if they fail to finish a story. And then they will respect your fic less.
When I was in preschool I was bullied so I am kind of like georgie in the sense that I needed to subtl overthrow the bully. Only without the bully knowing it was me. (Or the insanity)

Wyrm
10th July 2012, 12:24 AM
@jeffdavid102: Added. And you just read my mind.

Yes, he will catch one in Victory Road. However... Well, you'll see.

@Rotomknight: Hm. I see your point there. However, an experiment's exactly that, and I can afford to risk it.

It IS rather nice when you can connect with characters on a personal level, isn't it?

jeffdavid102
11th July 2012, 1:48 AM
One more thing that I forgot to mention:Is Deino how he is going to beat Rick the second time?

Wyrm
11th July 2012, 3:20 AM
@jeffdavid102:

Right again. I guess it isn't a surprise, considering the predictability. Again, though, something's going to be different from what you expect.

Knightfall
12th July 2012, 4:52 AM
Sorry, I've been occupied with many, many things, I haven't had time to comment.

Well, since my time is still short, I'll keep it simple.

I kinda felt that Georgie wouldn't win this battle, and I can't wait to see how he wins the rematch.
I must say I really enjoyed reading the battle. I like the way Georgie uses stragity to try and beat Rick, whom I also hate.

I can't say I noticed too many errors that you haven't already corrected. Just keep up with the description and developing Georgie's character, and maybe more of Ben wouldn't hurt. He seems like a fun character to write.

So, all in all, a good chapter to begin Georgie's descent into insanity.

Knightfall signing off...;005;

Rotomknight
19th October 2012, 10:34 PM
Man this is good,
I oddly sympathize with georgie, being bullied myself.
If this fic is abandoned please say so.
Please continue.
What's with the hiatus?
(If you don't respond I will pm you, whether or not you read this)
PLease don't abandon this, if you did adopt it.
8' (