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Stereotypical Nerd
14th June 2012, 10:07 PM
Chapter 1
It was years since Hunter had battled. He's become the Kanto League Champion. The other puny Elite Four members always managed to rip the other trainers to shreds. Hunter has had no glory since 6 years! Hunter couldn't believe he makes money off just sitting here, on his throne! He's caught the strongest Pokemon in Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova. So Hunter sat there, aging by every second. The past 6 years have taken a toll on him. He has no friends, drinks until no tomorrow, and has even gained some gray hair. Hunter sighed. Hunter sat on his golden throne, bored. Just one battler, he thought. The doors to his room suddenly opened. Karen, the last Elite Four member walked in. Behind her was a young man, around 16 years old. The young man stood on one side of the golden battlefield. He yelled, "I'm Brent! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" Hunter stood up in awe. A challenger? Are his eyes playing tricks on him? No. The kid was certainly there. Hunter looked at Karen. She smiled and left the room, closing the huge golden door behind her. Hunter walked to the other side of the battlefield. Hunter grinned. "You prepared to get beaten?" Hunter asked. Brent replied, "I should say the same thing to you." A referee walked in from the side of the room. The battle was on. The referee stated the rules. A 6 v 6 battle. Both trainers may switch out. Once a Pokemon is knocked out it can't be used anymore. The referee also stated the challenger gets the first move. Brent glared at Hunter. Hunter did the same. Brent brought out a Pokeball. "Go..."

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Hey guys. I dont know if this'll be a good series. I'd like your feedback. I don't know if Chapter two will come out soon. Sorry it's such small chapters. I tend to do that.

Psychic
14th June 2012, 11:43 PM
Please read the Fan Fiction Rules before posting. Each chapter must be at least two pages long written on Microsoft Word, so this is nowhere near long enough.

There are multiple ways you can add length to this. One way is to remember to start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks or you change topics (and skip a line between paragraphs). Another is to add description: describe Hunter, describe Karen, describe Brent, describe Hunter's throne-room, and even his throne if you like. Describe Hunter's emotions, and how he reacts to seeing Karen with Brent - what does he think of Brent? Does he think Brent looks short, shy, weak, confident, energetic? You can also take the time to describe how he passed the time for six years. And why does he drink? Is he an alcoholic? That's kind of serious.

As for fixing up your story, you have to remember to write in the same verb tense, because you switch from present tense to past tense a lot, such as "Hunter couldn't (past tense) believe he makes (present tense) money off just sitting here." Either switch it to "couldn't believe he was making" or "can never believe he makes." Make sure to be consistent! Also, numbers under 10 need to spelled out, so it's "six" instead of "6." Your grammar was pretty good otherwise!

This has potential, but you do need to rewrite it to make it long enough for the forum. Good luck, I'm sure you'll do great. :>

~Psychic